Ok hear me out- Orpheus!Dick and Eurydice!Jason:

Dick who sees the best in everyone and everything even in a cruel and fucked up world.

Jason who is so distrustful because the world is cruel and unforgiving which made him that way.

Dick who meets Jason and instantly falls in love with him, trying his fucking best to make Jason see the good in the world. And Jason finally believing the world could be good.

Only for nothing to change. Dick can't save him, and Jason calls for Dick to save him as he dies.

Dick who moves heaven and hell and everything inbetween with his light and love for Jason. Fighting death and putting his life on the line to get his love back because of his mistakes.

Dick who manages to convince Hades to give them a chance, to let them go.

Jason who finally trusts. Who follows Dick without question and promises to follow him out to their life together. Who believes so strongly that their love will win. Something he didn't think before.

Dick who's broken from the death of his lover. Who no longer believes in the world or other people's promises. Who can't accept that Hades was telling the truth.

Dick who ruins what could have been their paradise.

Jason who is cruely reminded how harsh and unforgiving the world is as he returns to the Underworld.

yo! you just read the queen's thief series? :0 i am a long-time fan and would LOVE to hear any of your feelings about it (also, have you seen the discord server bc its pretty active and fans always love more fans if discord servers are your thing :)

So, you'll have to forgive how LATE this reply is, it's been a mixture of busy-school-semester-quarantine-social-burnout and tumblr deleting my replies when I tried to save them to continue writing later!! But it's now 3am and my brain won't stop thinking about Queen's Thief, so it's the best time to reply, really! (But I really do appreciate you sending in this ask to let me rant about TQT!!!!! AHFKSISJ replying is just hard sometimes lol)

So because I'm terribly long winded and because spoilers!!! For a few people who follow me who haven't read it/or haven't finished reading it, the rest is under the readmore!

Where to begin. So my blog says I just read it but I realized that's a little bit of a lie now? I read the first five books for the first time at the end of Dec 2019, and the beginning of January 2020! I had seen the name of the series around before, around Tumblr bc of a few people I'm following, in regards to a Batfam fic by lurkinglurkerwholurks, ( this one: Breathing )who is ALSO a longtime TQT fan! I reread her Batfam fic after reading the Queen's Thief series and it hit SOOOOOOOOO much harder. Really brilliant. But that last straw was getting an email saying that one of my other all time fav fic writers was writing a fic for TQT. I saw that email and basically immediately downloaded The Thief on my library app 😂 (i needed to be able to read the fic!!! And I'm soooooo glad I: a) read the series before reading the fic, therefore not spoiling anything and b) was able to read the fic because holy cow does it live rent free in my brain. It's Ere by audreycritter btw)

Anyhow, I absolutely DEVOURED the books. I read one after another and then ended up rereading the first three again more slowly over the course of that spring semester. I started drawing again, listened to a good amount the Attolian Archives podcast, reblogged and MADE!! ART!! and m e m es, died when MWT REBLOGGED ONE OF MY MEMES AND SAID IT MADE HER LAUGH, recommended the series to a bunch of people and got several to at least *start* reading the series! I haven't gotten seratonin from books like this since early high school ten years ago! 🤣

Plus the fandom is SO SWEET!!!! And MWT is so engaging!!!! I love that she lets us play in her sandbox! It's like she made a fully furnished dollhouse complete with dolls but she lets us continue to decorate it and build on it and move the dolls around, and then she comes up and gives us compliments on the little things we've done!!! 🥺😭💞

Oh but the books themselves!!! They dig their spots in my heart deeper everytime I read them!!! I don't think Ive ever read a series that I enjoy more every time I reread it. I'm looking forward to rereading this last book, bc I know that the only one that I was obsessed with the first read through was QoA. All the others I liked the first time I read it, but I wasn't in LOVE with them, you know? But when I went back to read them a second time I LOVED THEM. Its like a riptide that you kick around in the shallows the first time around, and then the next time suddenly you're sucked out to sea???

It feels like the pages hold secrets that need to be teased out. The dialogue is SO FUN. It has suspense but not so much that you're stressed. It's so balanced. It has lines that make you put the book down and have to just, do a lap.around the block because they really said that. THEY REALLY SAID THAT. "Diplomacy, in my own name." SHE REALLY SAID THAT. The symbolism, the foreshadowing, I'm OBSESSED! THE CHARACTERS!!!! THE LOYALTY!!!!! What i wouldn't do to have that sort of loyalty written into some of the other fandoms that I'm in. And the TEnderNESS. The way Gen interacts with others??? The way he loves so.wholly? With his entire self??? The way that it's sorta slowburn found family before tumbling into found family all at once in a way that isn't slowburn at all?? I'm pulled in by Gens tricks every time. The storytwists surprised me but made sense. The writing was enjoyable to get lost in. I think of the way that Gen sits at Irene's feet and looks up at her with eyes full of love, how he sits like a printers apprentice in a chair but sits like a king while sick/hurt in his bed, I think about the way he pushed Relius's hair back and kissed him on the forehead, how Relius said he would still crawl back to his Queen and Gen said me too, the difference between my Queen and my King and your Majesty 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 the way Helen says that Sophos basically has Gens heart in his hands, the way that all four of them are entwined together. I think about these books and I'm filled with YEARNING

Uh, No thoughts, head empty except for squeeing about TQT. This isn't even like,,,,,, idk a quarter of it??? There's so much more but it's all so hard to put into words, a lot of it is just me yelling incoherently because I'm overwhelmed! And when I string words together it's, well. All over the place! 😂

As for the discord thing, I've seen the link around! I'm uh, Not Great(tm) at being social, and so the discord is a leeeeetle daunting, haha. But I have considered it, especially because I have an... Interesting fic idea that I wanted to drop into the pool of other TQT fans to see their reactions. It's... a little bit evil...

Thanks again for the ask!

1, 3, 7, 16, 22

1. give short descriptions of all your current WIPs.

you really just like to make things hard for me don’t you?? i hate summaries

anyway i’ve got a) a fluffy fic where Chris sends Buck a “just keep swimming” gif whenever he finds out he’s feeling down (with eddie’s phone lol), b) the hunters au, which begins with eddie stuck in a time loop, c) a christmas fic where buck spends christmas with maddie and the diaz boys, d) a bingo fic that i spent too much time researching smoke inhalation for ;) and e) literally way too many others that aren’t even 911 so i won’t explain them, plus a few og stories as well

3. what makes you love writing?

everything?? it’s been my thing since i was 9 or smthn idk. i’ve always loved it. it’s just fun and i love the feeling when i really get going of like, actually accomplishing smthn!! it feels good!! i’m creating and i’m loving it!! being good at it is just a bonus lmao 

7. what books have shaped the way you think about writing the most? why?

ooh boy that’s a big question bc there’s SO many. a big one for sure is trc tho, bc imo my writing style is similar (not the same, but similar) to maggie stiefvater’s, and the things i choose to write abt (at least in my original work) are also similar :) they’re also just some of my fav books so they’ve influenced me a lot ngl...

also i hate to say it bc it’s kinda rude but uh. king of scars for sure. not bc it’s good but bc it was so phenomenally bad that it made me think “if this can get published, literally anything i shit out can get published” so that was a confidence boost

16. to what extent do you research for your writing?

depends on how much i care abt accuracy!! for short fic, i tend to research a little and then gloss over the bits i don’t know much abt, bc it’s for fun and it’s free and i don’t care much abt accuracy when i’m just posting my incoherent 3am ramblings lmao

for my longer fics or the ones i’m more invested in/attached to, i research more than usual but that’s honestly just bc i get lost down a wikipedia hole and end up barely using any of it anyway bc i simply Do Not Vibe With It (that being said, my next fic did get researched bc i had very specific evil ideas)

my original writing is like. mostly fantasy. so i just make shit up and go

22. how much of your own self/experiences do you believe pours into your projects? if this differs per project, which projects have the most and least of you?

lmao so much. i write fics like “you’re bi and you’re bi and you’re bi and you—” bc i’m bi and i feel like it!!!!! and sometimes they get some of my unnecessarily dramatic sad thoughts :) as a treat :) but only the stuff that fits w the character tbh i don’t go over the top w it 

my og stuff tho?? that’s just Me But Sexier baby

writer asks

Hiiii! What are you thoughts about RNM finale! How do you feel about it? I'm glad Alex was happy and I kind of understand why Micha walked out in the middle of the song even though I know some people didn't like it... Anyways! Hope you have a great day! 😁

Hi nonnie!

Am I having a great day, running on roughly 2 hours of sleep and sheer force of will? Debatable. :P

I’ve been listening to Tyler’s song all day tho, that has definitely improved my mood significantly. I’ll never be over the beauty that is this Malex song. WE GOT A MALEX SONG, Y’ALL!!!! And Tyler’s voice... yeah, the absolute best thing ever. I’m at peace just listening to him. 🥰

WOULD YOU COME HOME is without a doubt the best thing of this episode, the best thing of the season tbh. With that being said, I wrote down some more things.

Putting this incoherent mess behind a cut tho (I’m LJ years old, it’s a cut, not a Read More :P), fingers cross Tumblr doesn’t botch the damn thing.

Hmmmm, I’ll admit that last night (I watched live at 3am, which probably was NOT the best idea, but then I’m an adult, what else am I supposed to do other than make TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES...), I really hated it.

Nothing made sense, too many questions were left unanswered, Malex were robbed of saying “I love you” to each other first, they were also robbed of an opportunity to talk (dear god, when will they finally TALK, it’s literally all I want), Michael was made to leave IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LOVE LETTER ALEX WAS SINGING TO HIM IN PUBLIC (omfg, I’m still so fucking PISSED about that, I’m FUMING) by the writers just to keep the ~drama going, Malex were robbed of a first public kiss, in one moment at the bar it looks like Michael took the handkerchief off, but there’s no way of telling whether they simply forgot to put it on him, or if it was deliberate and he actually took it off and we were robbed of that very significant moment.

Also ngl, Jesse’s death? Underwhelming. I mean, I’m glad he’s finally gone, but his whole storyline this season was underwhelming and so was his death. Oh well, underwhelming is my rating of S2 overall, guess it makes sense for this super villain to go out with a meh instead of a bang.

Blah, I'm still not super happy about the finale, and I especially wanted Michael to hear the WHOLE song, mainly the final two lines

You were the best of me You are the best of me

but since we can’t have nice things it’s not surprising that I’m not a huge fan. At least it wasn’t as devastating as 1x13, or as gross and triggering in 2x06, small mercies, I guess :P

Ngl, the Forlex kiss didn’t spark joy for me personally. I’m a mono shipper, and just like I hated seeing Michael kiss someone else, I hated seeing Alex do the same. But I understand why he did it. Michael left halfway through the song, and Alex was so relieved and proud of himself that he sang it, and Forrest was right there (wearing his Deep Sky ring 👀).

And hey, Alex asked and Forrest gave enthusiastic consent, I appreciate that very much!

I also really liked that Alex and Michael got to destroy the damn shed. I absolutely ADORE that Gregory was there when Alex sang,  alive and looking like the proudest big brother ever (like you don’t even know HOW MUCH I love him!!! ). Tanner’s such an amazing addition to the cast and I hope we’ll get to see him more often next season!

I’m glad that neither Alex or Michael were burdened with Jesse’s death, I hate that Gregory is carrying that burden now, but he seems to be better equipped for it, and I think he’ll be okay living with it.

Also a glimmer of hope for my baby Flint and a possible redemption arc? I like it (mainly bc I adore Kiowa, I just want him back).

The Echo breakup was long overdue, IDK, I haven’t cared that much about them as a couple for a long time, they’ve been lying to each other throughout most of the season, insofar it makes perfect sense that they go their separate ways now.

Rrrrosaaaaaa!!! My girl, I’m so damn PROUD of her!!!! She’s doing absolutely amazing, and I hope they’ll bring Iris back for her in S3 as a real friend. She deserves to spend time with people other than the “alien circle” at large.

M/M breakup... let’s just say I’m glad that particular nightmare is finally OVER. Time for Michael to work on himself. He didn’t get much opportunity to do that all season.

I’m a bit worried that due to the larger time jump between S2 and 3 we’ll either not get to see much of his development, or - even worse - he hasn’t worked on himself when we meet him again. That’s why I really rather hate S2 for him as a character. Oh well, that’s something to worry about in a year, I guess.

KYLE. I was happy about the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it Kylex moment, but overall S2′s done him dirty. Constantly sidelined, stuck in a relationship I still don’t care about even a little bit. And now Liz even played “god” and saved Steph (which in itself is a good thing, but Liz has been doing this all season, and no one’s stopped her, and I find that worrisome.) I guess with Steph being saved she’s also going to be in S3? Meh, I couldn’t care less, but also something to worry about next year.

Isobel didn’t get to do all that much this episode, but I love her, she’s had an amazing journey this season, and I feel she’s in a really good place right now. GOOD FOR HER!

SANDERS! Not in this episode, but damn, I love him, and I’m SO glad that MICHAEL’S DAD HAS BEEN INTRODUCED TO US THIS SEASON!

Jenna & Charlie AAAAAAHHHHHHHH, I’m so happy for them! And I’m excited to hopefully see both of them again next season! They are amazing, and as a duo a force to be reckoned with! Excited for Riley’s show Hightown to be renewed, still hope she’ll find time to travel to Santa Fe to be in several episodes of RNM.

Max... Ngl, I’m not a fan of the character. Never have been. And while Max 2.0 was nicer than Max 1.0, I never really warmed up to him. Let’s see how things with “Mr. Jones” and Max will go next season.

Maria... Let’s see how things with her go next season. Maybe she’ll finally be allowed to have a storyline that doesn’t revolve around other people.

Circling back to Alex. I love him, I love him the most. He’s on par with my other favorite character of all time (Derek Hale, in case that wasn’t clear). He’s so important to me, and Tyler did the most exquisite job playing him. S2′s been a difficult season for him and I hated that for him.

The writers held him back at almost every turn, he wasn’t allowed to move on, instead Michael got to “dump” Alex every second episode. Man, it got old real fast. But Alex’s resilience finally hammered it home to Michael, that Alex is not leaving again. He’s right there, and he’ll even show up when Michael calls him. New experience for him, I’m sure.

IDK, this whole season was such a mess, so many things that weren’t resolved in the end, the lack of a main plot kept bothering me, and I hated that some of my favorite S1 friendships were completely sidelined.

I hate that an entire season was wasted on Malex being apart, especially wasted for Michael who had a lot of shit on his plate I hoped he’d get a chance at working through (at least in part) in S2, but that didn’t happen. He had some lightbulb moments, but overall he’s still pretty much in the same spot he was at the beginning of the season.

And while I agree that he’s not ready to be with Alex atm, I hate that he did not communicate that to Alex properly, and instead left halfway through Alex’s song.

IDK, I just feel like pretty much every fanfic writer in our fandom would’ve done a better job at writing them this season, they would’ve been allowed to move forward separately, but still towards a common goal.

I know, they are endgame, there’s no doubt about that, but I’m TIRED of them not talking. And especially after Alex’s performance.

Either way, I don’t think any of this makes much sense, coherent thoughts, I don’t have them atm. I’ll need more time to think things through, and maybe my overall negative opinion of this season won’t be quite so negative anymore. Who knows.

I’ve always wondered whether I’d feel like finally watching S2 once I know how it ends, and right now I can answer that question with a firm NO. Canon exhausts me. I’m looking forward to fandom getting time to take a deep breath and process this season. 

I’m excited that we get to take care of the characters for the next year. It’s time for some good development, for tons of fics where Malex actually talk to each other, where Gregory is an awesome brother, Sanders adopts Michael and a million other things.

If there’s one thing I’m grateful for is, that the finale didn’t ruin Malex entirely. I’d been really worried about that.

THEY ARE OURS AGAIN, FOLKS! \0/

Long rant-

I really hate how I'm "functional" and "so amazing" bc I can "be successful in school and life" bc I'm Not. Like, sure I'm actually well accomplished (specifically bc of my age but also in general as well), but I also Can't Do Things like uhhh idk focus? And I don't mean ADHD not focusing, good I WISH that was what I'm talking about! I'm talking about literally brain cannot function unable to focus. And I've been trying to explain this to my mom and my therapist but they Don't Get It. They think "oh yeah you're a little tired and you're ADHD" but that's not it. Have you ever been so fucking tired that your brain feels like it's pulling itself apart? But not pulling more like, you're trying to pull it apart to focus on anything just anything at all and it doesn't want to? That's how I feel 80% of the time. It's literally not comprehending anything. When I say focusing I don't mean,,,, like,,,, oh I'm distracted I can't 'focus'. No. That's focusing on a bunch of things at once and I can't focus on the particular one thing I needed to focus on; that's ADHD. I experience that sometimes, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about how my brain cannot even form a Single Fucking Thought. That's how tired and overwhelmed I am.

I tried explaining this to my therapist saying how I can't just write an important, but super short email to my teacher bc I'm so overwhelmed that I can't focus on doing anything and she said "ok, so what are you worried about?" And the answer is NOTHING. I am not worried about anything. We spend like 20 min talking about my worries and scripting an email, which is helpful, but not the point. The point is that I couldn't even think of words to even put on the page incoherently. Like I sat there, I couldn't even read the one sentence I wrote or if I could get through half of it if forget it as soon as I comprehended it.

As an ADHD person, I need to be constantly doing shit. Like. All the time. As in, I watch TV/Netflix and I am knitting, on my phone, eating, doing hw, on Tumblr reading, reading a short fanfic, doing some other craft. From Thurs-sat I couldn't even eat and watch Netflix at the same time. Like, yeah I could, I "did" that, but I couldn't even continue listening to the show when I looked away or moved to eat. There was no absentmindedly doing a whole other activity while doing another activity like I normally do. That's bad.

So I guess my point is that I am so severely overwhelmed and just fucking tired that I literally can't do anything and people are treating it like I'm just a little stressed and I need to focus and just get a good night's sleep. Ok I fucking slept all weekend, 12 hours today and that's why I'm up at 3am still trying to do the same email, and just still, I have so much to do and my brain just can't do it and idk what to do aside from ignoring Everything to recharge bc I cannot do that. I have important deadlines that I just cannot miss. Like I can't just email someone and ask for an extension on fricken UROP funding for $5,000 due in 3 weeks and I need a 3 page super compact summary and outline of my thesis proposal and I have nothing bc I can't even think about that without almost crying. I have 2 meetings tomorrow I have to come prepared to that actually do determine my life (if I can graduate next year when my scholarship ends too or not and with my mentor who could just straight up say nah you aren't prepared or serious enough I won't work with you). So yeah, I'm hyperfocusing on writing all this bc it's at least something I don't have to think about and doesn't have any consequences.

its like 3am and im packing things but after going through sketchbooks from 2012-14 i suddenly had an epiphany or some shit so now im just jotting down incoherent thoughts really

1.) my old art is kind of better than my current art in a sense? idk even though there’s more anatomical errors and kinda weird looking things in general it’s all so much more fluid and lively looking and expressive

2.) i used to draw WAY more like 24/7 always doing it and it was because I ENJOYED it. i loved filling my notebooks with homestuck (70% of my eighth grade sketches consisted of that lmfao) and random character design that i would never use but fuck i wanted to draw it anyways. if i had an idea i would actually kinda roll with it instead of give up immediately because it looks like shit

also i may be trying too hard to keep my characters “attractive” but not too attractive because I wanna avoid sameface (i know nothing is hot in my art style but you know what i mean)

i dont mean to say that i dont enjoy drawing still but i think im already trying to turn it into a a job before i really have to (specifically this blog of OCs)

i think i kinda feel like ive been forcing myself to try and draw just these ocs because i desperately want to show them to the world despite the fact that i have no story planned or any actual information about them outside of my brain

so then i refuse to draw anything but something of substance that i can force onto the internet which 9 times out of 10 ends up with my giving up 1/5 of the way through the sketch because it looks awful and not how i want it to look

so at the same time im drawing for myself while focusing on impressing other people which is stupid because there’s no reason for anyone but me to care about my characters because im the only one who knows jack shit about them.

im not bored drawing these ocs by any means but trying to force myself to draw only them and focus on only them may have fucked up my art growth in a sense and my reasons for making art in the first place

Snk Positivity Day 6: Love Your Series

Im gonna put this under a read more because I cant think of express my feelings on something without turning it into a full length incoherent ass essay so!!

I’ve been in the snk fandom since I was like 12 lol - Im 16 now so that’s like, five years?? I can still remember like I’d see a lot of gifs n stuff of it going around tumblr and for some reason I just really felt I wouldn’t like it like I had smthing lowkey against it?? But then I decided to watch it one day, n i still remember, I was just chilling on my laptop watching it in the sitting room, my family around me and stuff and goddd it was soo good... but it made me tear up... n bITCH I was NOT! about to cry in the sitting room around my family. I was not! prepared for that. That night I stayed up till possibly 1 or 3am just watching it, I must’ve gotten to like around episode 6 I think? I loved it so much I rlly fell in love, I finished it all in just three days.... three days of which I also went to school and stuff and had to go to my friends party.... bitch i was pissed i didnt even like that person....i just wanted to finish snk lmaooo 😭

Im pretty sure Id spend sm of my time invested in snk and looking through snk tumblrs and stuff and other fandom stuff of it, I loved it so much!!! like!! thats all I did and even then I was still forcing my friends to read/watch it. I was really cringey in 6th class wow lmaoo I would literally go around during break with the snk manga like xD!!! eren is my baby!!! saying shit like that yikes.... bitch first of all hes 4 years older than you...your literally 12.....

Especially then, when I was younger it brought me sm happiness like when little me was going through shit then little insecure young me, you know how people say u use entertainment to escape or whatever, a distraction, idk.... like that was rlly it man idk ho to describe it without sounding weird i swear it was like my main source of happiness omg lol

Almost always, its very rare like I’ll be watching a movie, listening to music, anything like that just consuming some piece of media or literally just like. living my life and I see something and im like. omg snk au in which.... or I just somehow relate it back to snk or some of its characters lol. Like even when I was on holiday in Venice last year I was literally like thinking of a fanfic of like, the 104th on holidays in Venice like how wholesome...

Like I really do love snk I think about it every day without fail, and I honestly think I’ll always always always love it, and even if I don’t, it’s always gonna have a special place in my heart. Like, I liked it since i was literally 12 years old and it helped my through shit and I just have so much good memories associated with it. I honestly rlly do picture myself being like a 40 year old woman and still loving snk but like the fandom is dead or something... 😭 I rlly hope that never happens.....bc that will happen my 40 year old ass will b like boiis whens season 10 coming out ? Like I really hope snk is one of those series that kind of just lives on forever, or atleast for a very long time - Like Harry Potter for example

Okay, all that was really personal and I’d be surprised if anyone is reading this anyway, but I love looking back on it and talking about snk like this, I love it :) Butttt, getting to one of the reasons why I think I might love snk so much, and I mean, I can’t really pin it down why I love it so much, I dont think anyone can pin down EXACTLY why they love something, especially a series, but I think one thing I really like, and it becomes really apparent when I look at other series is like, they have a good balance between male and female characters if that makes sense. Like theres not way more men in the show than there is women, like how it is in some series or like, theres not way more men in the show than there is women, and the female characters in the show aren’t just like background characters pretty much, and they’re all good fleshed out and developed characters n shit. I think people have talked about this before but yeah.. And the female characters aren’t sexualised or anything like that and like, theres basically little to no fanservice at all which is nice. Supereyepatchwolf said something about it in his video about snk, how it can appeal to everyone because anyone of any age and gender and such can be in the survey corps n stuff... :P

And the characters just in general of course :) I honestly think the characters is one of snks strongest points, like... im not about to do a full on character analysis on anyone here lol but they’re just so amazing. Like I think on first glance it can probably be easy for people to sort most of them into like a trope or something or just write them off as cliche - mostly eren is victim to this bc people are like typical shounen boy !!! but like. you know anyway. I wish I was better at expressing my feelings and thoughts lol. Like god idk i feel like its so easy for someone who idk might just be a casual fan or smthing to just kinda see the characters on their more surface level without seeing how much depth they actually have - and I feel like that could also easily happen with anime only ppl. Like snk really does have so much great n complex n developed characters, especiallyyy now with the timeskip, more so now than ever. Like you know when you love something so much that you cant just pin point one thing about it... because its like.... everything about it i love n everything within it works to like compliment everything in it if that makes sense u get me?? like i cant just pinpoint ONE THING its the whole thing.... why i love snk? *directs u to link of readsnkmanga.com* or something lol

as for the characters themselves, obviously u can tell, with my url, u can take a guess at who my favourite is :) since the timeskip, i dont like him as much - not that i dislike him, i could literally never - but timeskip eren is basically a whole new person - and im not saying that in a bitter tone or anything, if anything its cool and i appreciate it and i understand why eren is like this now, all the shit hes been through- stuff so singular that barely anyone else would be able to understand, no one, if anything. So i understand why hes like this, and as i said earlier, this’ one of snks strong points its complex and rlly developed characters... The things I admired about Eren is just like... his good and bad, everything. How passionate he is, how he wears his heart on his sleeve - that of which being his most notable quality imo, and he expresses himself in an unapologetic manner like.... the courtroom scene... he rlly shouted that in front of all those people... how headstrong, stubborn and impulsive he is. I relate to Eren alot, thats part of the reason why I love him so much because I think I can kinda see myself in him.. but on the same hand, I think it’s also because he possesses a lot of traits I admire. Eren never backs down even when the whole world seems to be against him. He holds on firmly to what he believes in and never gives in, even when literal guns or canons are being pointed towards him. He’s full of determination and will power and he knows what he wants, and he’s also not afraid to express his opinion, even if he knows that he’ll be laughed at or be largely disagreed with.. And I admire his impulsiveness too. Those are all things I admire and other things I didn’t mention.. like me, I’m a very non confrontational person, I always feel things out before getting to it, and even then a lot of the time I just don’t at all. I might second guess my emotions and feelings when it comes to relationships with people especially, and I can a lot of the time stifle or keep quiet about my own beliefs, not completely keeping quiet, but not speaking them out as firmly as I believe them in my own mind, yielding? more I guess, if people disagree with me, I might step down a little - Which isn’t a completely bad thing, it’s good to be openminded and to see other sides, but when it’s coming from a place of embarassment or insecurity, not so much. So I really admire those traits in Eren :) I relate to him a lot, but I also know that in a lot of ways too, we are veryy different. I’ve even thought before, if I knew someone like Eren irl would I even like them lol?? Who knows lol. But as a character, I love him :) My other two favourtie characters after Eren, Levi and Jean, I won’t go into them as much as I did Eren but with them, and not just that, all of the other reasons they’re my faves.. I have like more of a ‘crush’ on them lmaooo like with them i could read so much /reader fanfic lol... but even though Eren is my #1 I could nEVER...god NO lol. And I think thats also down to the fact, as I’ve been saying I seen myself in Eren... rather than the other way around :))))))))

Like god there have been so many times I’ve laughed, cried at stuff in this fandom, made good memories as a result of it irl too... bullied my friends into watching it.... Like I have nothing but good memories. I really can’t express enough how positively snk has impacted my life like I genuinely can’t, it’d be impossible.. I seriously love it :) I’ve made friends bc of it, gotten closer to friends bc of our mutual interest in it, stuff like that...:) And even if those things didn’t happen, I’d still love the series and its fandom itself. :) I seriously can’t thank enough, the ppl that contribute to this fandom, I really can’t. Everything, and everyone to small and big creators, thank you so much. Well known and lesser known creators, like just everything and everyone, seriously. Everyone is just why this fandom is so great and!! Like I just think how lucky am I to have smthing like snk have such a big fandom and stuff and so many great people in it. Like y’know when you see your favourite fanfic update, you see your favourite artist has put out smthing new, even just see a funny snk text post or something, it all can really brighten and even make your day, and its so good :) There are so many amazing creators in this fandom, fanfics that are honestly better than published books I’ve read - like seriously, some of this stuff seriously deserves to e published or something!! And the fact that so much of these creators are putting their work out there and sharing with us for free, is just so great, and I’ll never not be grateful for it :)

Like seriously, returning back to when I was like 12-14, some days back then when I was younger it really felt like y’know the only things I could take comfort in was this series and its characters and stuff yknow.... and maybe im just being and emo teen but im getting kinda emotional thinking about it just now :’) Like seriously... I feel like im maybe being too much in this post lol but seriously this series means a lot to me.. as I said, I can honestly really picture myself being like 40 and still rlly loving snk like no matter what, whatever happens, wherever the series goes, whatever the hell, it’ll always hold a special place in my heart, because its helped me through a lot, a lot of bad days, I have nothing but good memories associated with it, made friends, seen some of the most beautiful art and read rlly great writing!! Just like yeah. Thank u Isayama and this entire fandom.....

and I was gonna peace out but I also want to appreciate and throw some love @ Isayamas art and art style. Obviously, Isayama was a bit infamous in the earlier days for his art not looking so great (Which also is amazing bc like a manga with not so great art like his in the beginning... grew to become so BIG!! like who would’ve thought) - even so the character design and stuff was all really good?? Like I also think thats a strong point he has too!! And all those years of practicing really shows, because damn!! look at his art now!! It’s really damn nice and im not just saying that lol :P

Anyway!! :) Thats all lol

tnhrbfvcwec

Rainbow: check how long it’s been since we last did this

Ethan: About 1.5 months, but about 3 months(?) since we were doing it kinda consistently. To be fair, you do both have twitter, so there’s that.

Rainbow: yeah, I guess, but 1 of us talking into the void is different from 2 or all of us talking together. oh yeah, since we mentioned this in the last conversation post: lol @. the psychiatrist being like “oh, you’re incapable of feeling happy or enjoying anything and you’re constantly anxious? oh well, you stopped taking codeine so you’re basically fine”.

Ethan: It’s like a paradox: If I am getting high, people are like “well, you need to stop getting high first before we can try to solve anything”, but now that I’m not, they’re like, “well, you’re not getting high anymore, so nothing else matters”. Dx

Rainbow: the self medicating with st john’s wort thing seems to be working, though. so at least there’s that.

Ethan: *shrugs*

Rainbow: to me it’s a good thing. I mean 1. it’s actually helping, and 2. you’re taking 1/3 of the recommended dose of a herbal supplement. like nobody can call that dangerous or anything, lol.

Jamie: Theoretically they could criticise mixing it with the mood stabiliser thing, since that’s clearly amplifying it. And obviously also be careful mixing it with anything else.

Ethan: Yeah, I know.

Rainbow: is it a thing that you can’t mix weed with ssris, or is that just you, or does weed just fuck you up horribly in general?

Ethan: I don’t know. The last one is definitely true anyway, but yeah, I’m not sure. Either way, it’s not like it was a bad experience. It would’ve been better if I’d been with people I knew better, but it was still fine.

Rainbow: I don’t think anything can really improve the experience of losing like all sensory processing ability.

Ethan: It was mostly auditory, and I don’t have the best auditory processing to begin with, and there were definitely multiple people all talking at the same time with music in the background.

Rainbow: yeah but it hadn’t been quite as much of a completely incoherent mess. like either way I’m starting to think it’s weed that fucks up your memory more than anything else (well, when you mix it with other things).

Jamie: To be fair, it could be like, a combination of x number of things and weed tends to be the one pushing it over the edge. idk though.

Rainbow: yeah, I’m not sure. I mean it’s hard to know what different times all had in common if you can’t really remember them. XD though actually you don’t remember last Thursday night super well either, do you?

Ethan: Just from like 3am to 5am ish. Which I think kinda points to the “x number of things” theory, since I think that was around the time I took more codeine or caffeine pills or something.

Rainbow: lol. honestly though everything about that night is like. ridiculous. as I think I said, it’s the kind of thing you could tell stories about, like “one night I went out...”

Jamie: I agree and I wanna laugh but like omg.

Rainbow: lolol. “do you want glitter?” “no, but do you want ecstasy?” actually I forget, why were you talking to that person? or what did you say?

Ethan: I have no idea. I would be willing to bet that I was offering them something, but it might’ve been a cereal bar or something. Because I don’t think I got out the rainbow face paint and glitter until after 3am. Actually, they offered me gum, but I don’t remember if there was some exchange before that.

Rainbow: “by “friend” I mean this person I only met an hour ago”

Ethan: It’s not like I could’ve said that. “I’m staying the night with this person I just met, so I guess I’ll be home tomorrow sometime”

Rainbow: lol. and yeah when someone puts a sock on their door handle doesn’t that indicate they’re having sex in the room specifically, as opposed to general “do not disturb”?

Ethan: I have no idea. I don’t know if this person meant it like that. Either they didn’t, or they just changed their mind or something, I guess.

Rainbow: hmm. and yeah I know we found that funny at the time (I still do) but it makes you uncomfortable now, so sorry, I guess.

Ethan: I’m just suspicious and confused. Though I didn’t feel suspicious or unsafe at all at the time. And I also know that in general I’d probably feel unsafe around anyone in that situation (if I was sober), as in, it’s a reflection on me as opposed to on them.

Rainbow: yes you do tend to feel unsafe or threatened when you don’t necessarily need to, but also I think it’s kinda reasonable not to feel super safe or comfortable in the house of some person you don’t even know?

Jamie: Isn’t that a thing normal people do, though? Like go to bars and/or nightclubs and find a person and either take them to their house or go over to theirs, and presumably have sex? Or is that just like on tv etc?

Rainbow: well, I wouldn’t know, lol. I guess it is a thing? but like do they really feel safe doing that?? oh yeah also and last Tuesday, “I’m just gonna walk the ENTIRE BUS ROUTE at fucking 2am!!”

Ethan: It was fine, it was fun, and it didn’t take as long as I’d thought it might. :P

Rainbow: you managed to injure both ankles doing it, somehow. also it only didn’t take too long because you were walking at a fucking ridiculous speed, like 2x as fast as you usually walk I think. well, not twice as in “usually 3mph now 6mph” but like “usually 3mph now 4.5mph”

Jamie: That’s not “twice”.

Rainbow: it is if you use a different scale.

Jamie: ???

Rainbow: you get what I mean

Jamie: Yeah, I know, sorry.

Rainbow: oh yeah!! the therapist person!! firstly like two weeks ago or whatever, “well I’m not really qualified to deal with split personality or schizophrenia or whatever this is” lolol.

Ethan: Yeah, like clearly not, if you think that 1. dissociative disorders are called “split personality” (I guess that isn’t technically wrong? But that’s not what it gets called) and 2. they’re even remotely similar to schizophrenia. Though (no offence or anything) I feel like he shouldn’t even act as though he takes me/us seriously.

Rainbow: I mean I agree in the sense that we all know pretty well that we don’t meet the criteria for DID or fit the presentation or whatever anything like that, and likely not OSDD(whichever number) either. but I mean that isn’t really a reason to be like that you’re lying and we don’t exist and all our+your experiences are fake or anything. so I’m glad he takes us seriously in that regard. though I’m not in favour of him telling the psychiatrist that I’m a horrible person and/or insinuating that somehow you’re suicidal just because I sometimes am. he really doesn’t seem to get that we consider ourselves separate people and so of course I wouldn’t kill you just because I wanted to die. in the same way as pretty much nobody would kill someone else if they wanted to die.

Ethan: *shrugs*

Rainbow: lol. anyway so, it’s not super clear what he meant when he said “why don’t you try and integrate the emotions they hold” or something. like if he just meant for you to feel your own emotions instead of pushing them onto us, then 10/10 I’m in favour of that. but if he meant the kind of “integrate” where me and Jamie wouldn’t exist, then no, 0/10.

Ethan: I don’t want that, either, though I also don’t think it would work, since the whole “integration” thing is only for DID, isn’t it? And it also seems to assume that both of you only consist of specific emotions, like that you don’t have any existence or personality apart from that.

Rainbow: yeah. I also don’t entirely get it, like, if you were to start being more resentful of your mom or something, why would I suddenly not be? or alternatively, if you take some thing where I have a distinct presence of it and Jamie has a distinct absence of it, how would you “integrate” those two opposite things? would it cancel out into the kinda indifference that you already have right now anyway? or would you actively both like and dislike x thing at the same time, or what? and I’m assuming you couldn’t “integrate” genders, right? because what would that even end up as? 100% male and simultaneously 95% female and also simultaneously genderfluid? like you’d have three genders where two were stable and one switched around?? that’s just unnecessary and excessive, lol. or what about where you have a certain trait and me or Jamie has the opposite? would your trait disappear in favour of ours? anyway yeah obviously my real point is I don’t like the idea and don’t want it. just unless certain things were gonna cancel out, you’d just end up being three different people under one identity. in terms of traits etc.

Ethan: It’s not like I’m the most stable in that regard already, anyway.

Rainbow: yeah but you’re never multiple conflicting traits at the same time, you just switch between them. arguably that would average out to you containing conflicting things all at the same time, but they aren’t all present simultaneously.

Ethan: Yeah, and the switching between “I want to look really masculine!” and “I want to look really feminine!” etc is all as me. I don’t think it’s from “being” either of you, or anything like that. That is, my personal switching of traits etc is a different experience to there being three of us existing.

Rainbow: well yeah. oh yeah also: well done for going through the whole week (college week like) without getting high!! that’s like a record for you, isn’t it? XD like seriously, you haven’t been in college without taking codeine ever, and you haven’t been in any academic setting without being high since like 5th year. and I’m almost tempted not to count that since you were a complete mess, missed most of the year, and were high for a few months there, too. so seriously, well done, 10/10, proud of you.

Ethan: Thanks. :/ (I do appreciate it, and I’m glad/impressed too, but *shrugs*)

Jamie: *throws confetti* :P

Ethan: xD

Jamie: Seriously though, I’m super glad and proud of you. (heart) (does doing hearts break the post, or is that just on mobile? I’ll just be safe and not do one)

Ethan: It’s just weird to me. It reminds me of like 1st-3rd year. I know I was high during 2nd and 3rd year, but DXM and St John’s wort feel vaguely similar (obviously since they’re both SSRIs).

Rainbow: hmm yeah. st johns wort spaces you the fuck out, but seemingly only like 10% as much as DXM did (due to the massively different doses you’re taking, obviously). honestly st johns wort seems like magic so far.

Ethan: Yeah! It’s amazing, it’s so much easier to do things that would normally be terrifying, like talk to people, send emails, use bathrooms, etc. I feel like at some point I’ll probably get used to this dose and it won’t do anything anymore, though.

Rainbow: is that even meant to happen with ssris? it never happened with dxm.

Ethan: I think it happens with most SSRIs. DXM is just weird, I think.

Rainbow: anyway, your strategy of lowering the dose and/or not taking it, on the weekend might help. idk though. it stays in your system longer than like caffeine, doesn’t it? so your tolerance probably wouldn’t swing up and down as drastically.

Cześć kochanie! Fairy lights, moodboard, sunrise, bands, grunge, lightning, love proszę! (Mira)

Dzięki Mira, kochanie!!

Fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

if i’ll ever find love, and with who

Moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I grew up like an old timey kid, I didn’t watch much tv, I played outside all the time, when the whole family was together the kids roamed free and nobody knew what we were doing, and all that was great, so in that sense, yes, i had a happy childhood. But i also struggled a lot with my parents divorce, and i remember experiencing depression first when i was 12, so in those senses, it wasn’t entirely happy. but isn’t everyone’s childhood (and life really) a combination?

Sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

Differences of language and habit are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open. - JK Rowling, Goblet of Fire

I love this quote because I feel like its something we could all do with remembering these days. We get so caught up in who’s from what country, and who’s what religion, but the thing is that none of it matters. It doesn’t matter if we’re different ethnicities or different religions as long as we’re all open to each other and we all want the same things, if we all want peace.

Bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

Two years ago, I had a particularly difficult few months, in which I lost four family members in the span of three months, some very unexpectedly. about a month and a half later, patd released doab, and impossible year in particular was somewhat of a respite, and i listened to it constantly for a while. 

Grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

sillier answer - it’d be great to get a letter from my crush saying he’s madly in love with me.

more serious answer - from someone dead, idk my aunt or one of my grandparents, just idk telling me things are going to be okay, that they’re proud of me, giving me advice? just anything really, just to hear from them. if it has to be someone living, then i guess from my ex, saying that everything that happened is okay, that he forgives me. i was young and still having a lot of trouble dealing with some of my issues, and it affected our relationship in negative ways, and being older and wiser now, i know that a lot of it wasnt healthy or fair, and it would be nice to know that its okay, no hard feelings. 

Lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELTS, ITS STORY TIME. I’ve got two different stories and one is more funny embarrassing kind of worst and the other is like shit show kind of worst.

Story #1. It’s sophomore year of college, Halloween, and I have a 9am flight back home in the morning, but my friend convinces me to go to the frats with her anyway, and we proceed to get shitfaced, and it should be known that I’m banned from using my phone when drunk because I have an embarrassing tendency to text anyone I can manage to open a conversation with “omg you’re so hot”. Except on this particular night, my friend decided to hook up with one of the frat guys, and me, not wanting to abandon her in a frat house, decided to park my ass in the hallway at like, the opposite end of the hall. But of course, then I’m bored as well as plastered, so I whip out my phone because aha there’s no one to stop me anymore, and I start talking to this guy in my class that I sort of had a thing for. And it’s going pretty well, we’re chatting, and I’m rapidly becoming more incoherent as the alcohol kicks in, and he asks me “how is it possible that you’ve become completely incoherent in such a short time span” to which my answer, i shit you not, was “idkkkk but you’re hottttt” perfectly executed, not a single letter out of place. i dont remember what his answer was because what really stands out is that apparently i also decided to try to send this message to my mother at 3:00 in the morning. which of course prompted her to try to call me at 4am because she got a completely unintelligible text message and obviously she thought i was being kidnapped.

Story #2. when i was in morocco, a bunch of university kids decided to throw a fourth of july party for the american students, and so they rented a house and got lots of beer and liquor and assorted drugs and really whatever they could get their hands on. so we’re partying and having fun, and i decide i want a little bit of a buzz, so my friend and i decide to go try to find some weed to smoke, except what they dont teach you in language classes is how to ask for weed, so we’re trying to mime this to some guys and idk eventually we think we’re all on the same page, so she and i start smoking with them, and we smoke a lot, like seriously, large quantities of weed, and naturally i make out with one of the guys in return for the weed, and this guy that i sort of liked walked in on us, which was kind of awk, and so then i went after him and told him that it should’ve been him i was making out with, could still be him if he wanted (why i thought that was a good idea i’ll never know), anyway, at some point i went upstairs, talked to this other guy who is super awesome, but he’s drinking out of a bowl which is very confusing to my mind so i ask about it and he says its magic soup, and im like holy shit magic soup thats fucking awesome, and he gives it to me to try and im like wtf dude that is not magic soup thats fucking beer, i spend some time talking to people, the whole time i cant seem to decide which language i want to speak like im switching back and forth every other sentence. i go back downstairs and am hanging out (i may have smoked some more, i dont remember?) and then i decide to go upstairs, and someone else also goes upstairs, but at this point the paranoia starts to set in and i decide that the other person is following me, so i fucking run upstairs, crying, and find my sober friend, and cant manage to explain whats wrong so my friend is just kind of like okay how bout some sleep and helps me get settled, except the poor guy has to also take care of our other friend who’s vomiting, but i start sobbing every time im left alone, so its a fucking mess, and then somebody says the police are coming, so we all fucking run for it, except its like 2-3am and our university is closed campus, and the gates are locked until 6am, so we cant go back, so we find a park and decide to sleep there, and which point i’m a royal pain in the ass, and magic soup guy has to give me is button down and backpack so i can sleep comfortably on my bench, and then at 6am we went back to campus, got out stuff, and met the bus for an 8 hour drive to the fucking desert and let me tell you ive never wanted someone to kill me more than i did on that fucking bus ride. and that’s when i found out that it wasn’t weed we’d been smoking at all it was hasish, and long story short don’t ever smoke hashish like its weed because it will fuck you up

Love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Once, a long time ago. He used to say there was a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I don’t know when I realized I was in love with him though, to be honest. It was such a long dance for us - first I hated him, then we were friends, then we were trading off liking each other while seeing other people. I guess… I guess there were two moments when I knew, kind of related. The first was shortly before we started dating. I wore a claddagh ring, one that I’d gotten in a flea market for like $10, but I never took it off, except when I was swimming. One day, I’d been at his house and we’d gone swimming, and I accidentally left my ring there, and I was freaking out when I realized, He wore it for a few days until he could get it back to me, and we had an in depth conversation about why it was so important to me, and I told him that it was symbolic but the actual physical ring meant nothing, and he told me that when he went to ireland a month later he wanted to get me a new one, so that i’d have one that meant something to me, not just symbolically. it was really touching, the fact that he paid attention to how important it was to me, and he wanted to do something to make it even more special. and to not even expect anything in return, i just remember feeling so special, like i was precious to someone else, irreplaceable, and it was an amazing feeling. the second time was i guess a little less than two months after we started dating, he was playing with the ring and made a comment about one day getting married, and he wouldn’t get me a diamond ring, he’d get me sapphire. it’s such a small thing, but it was… he knew me so well. i dont like diamonds, never really have, they’re too glittery and fancy for my taste, but anyway, idk just being with someone who knew me well enough to know that about me without me ever saying it, or ever really thinking about it, it just, idk, i felt like i was whole, complete. i felt like he was my other half, and it was just a very warm and fuzzy feeling, idk.