something about going to a space where you're not allowed to cry makes you really want to cry

ppl here are stressed or worried about mike's sexuality meanwhile I am more worried about other things. at the end of the day, mike's sexuality could just stay as 'unlabelled', he'd just be portrayed as 'queer' overall and it'd be fine in itself.

but there's other topics that i am worried about;

1- max's coma situation, she's now portrayed as brain dead. and i worry abt how its gonna handled. maybe an unpopular opinion, but i wouldn't like it if max is brought back and then is completely healed without having permanent damage on her body. it's a hard topic to be addressed and I'm worried how it's gonna appear.

2- lucas and erica's storylines, some scenes in S4 were too much triggering, but i have little to no hope that they will be addressed. and i am not sure if the writers learned or realized the writing in that and how it came off as... so idk.

3- dustin's whole eddie grief situation. i get that the duffers intended to give dustin a more personal loss and depression/grief, but i wouldn't want it to be dustin's whole story arc or a major story focus for him.

4- will's whole character, he has too much under addressed issues from s1 due to his upside down experiences, or his possession (which was f-ed up), his internalized homophobia, overall i am not sure how they're gonna deal with all of that esp his supernatural plot.

5- i wouldnt want jncy to be underwhelming, but i am not sure if the duffers are gonna continue teasing stncy or not. i think it is very reductive to jon and nancy's characters and relationship, as well as unnecessary to steve's own character.

I don't care too tbh I am just saying what I think is happening when I talk about Mike being bi, I'm not saying it because I like it more, it's just how I interpreted stuff in the show but he could be gay too and I would be happy if he ends up with Will and is happy at the end of the show and I'm repeating this same thing since day one... the only annoying thing to me is constantly having people tell me that I'm making drama just because I'm sharing an opinion or a theory about bi Mike... the tag is for ALL of us not only gay mike believers 😅

For the rest of the stuff

1) I think maybe Max is not going to be able to walk anymore or she could be blind to one eye, I don't think she will be completely healed but I think she will come back to Lucas!

2) sadly I agree with you on this, I'm not sure they will handle Lucas and Erica as well as they should... I can only hope they have listened to the feedback online, they are usually open to criticism and they are open to listen to the input of others so I hope they will do the same for this matter

3) I think Dustin is going to want revenge for Eddie, maybe? I'm not sure but I think they have to focus on that because what Dustin lived through marked him forever sadly :(

4) I have faith they will deal with that in a good way because they are building Will's character arc since before season 1 even started!

5) I personally right now think Jonathan is probably dying in s5 so Idk what to think about Nancy's finale... I think jancy is going to end in tragedy but I really hope not and I hope that even if jancy doesn't happen she just focuses on her career after and not Steve...

@cluelessbees told me a nice idea about Steve's arc for s5, basically the ides is that he's going to focus on his platonic relationships next season and be a support for Dustin's arc and Robin's and maybe he's going to feel guilty because if he went with Max instead of going with Nancy (because he likes her) maybe things would be different now, if he had accepted being the babysitter maybe Max wouldn't be in a coma?

okay i am loath to admit this to any medical or psychological professional in my life but i do feel i need to say

my therapist asked me how i’m doing w having received an Official Diagnosis for hEDS, and now having MCAS too (which hasn’t been Officially Diagnosed but like honestly, we’re fully on the right track here, and it takes like a skin sample to test to prove it)

and my answer to her was kind of funny but true

i’m VERY happy--honestly normal for anyone trying to get a difficult diagnosis who’s known they might have it, etc. 

but i’m also feeling like the 12 year olds all of us are looking at like “....i am. so happy for you. [quietly seething but not in the 12 year old’s direction]”

y’know what i mean? i KNOW ppl have taken YEARSSSSSS to get an EDS diagnosis even though it was BLATANTLY OBVIOUS bc they had an even more serious type of it! drs who wouldn’t get them a genetic test even though other family members had it--or worse, other family members definitely had it but had never been diagnosed, so they were like “well no one in your family had it so i won’t test you” like dO YOU NOT SEE THE PROBLEM YOU’RE PERPETUATING HERE?!

anyway.

so point being i feel like the 12 year old going around talking abt how their parents have tried out 3 pronoun sets for them, how they’ve changed their name four times, how all their friends are queer, etc., and wearing like badges and pins on their bags in MIDDLE SCHOOL. 

with all of the adults looking at the 12 year old like--heartwarmingly happy that it’s possible &that this child isn’t suffering, but also so so so bitter that it couldn’t happen for them. 

so that was the answer i gave her

and it is TRUE. i do feel that way. i sometimes feel that way re: queer and trans stuff, too. i was never beaten up or anything and i just avoid coming out to ppl who won’t take it well, or i keep them out of my life--and i have the privilege of doing that, y’know? and for the most part ppl have been chill abt my pronouns. mostly.

so anyway that’s the Big part of it.

the other part of it that i haven’t voice aloud is....

this diagnosis is satiating a very weird childhood thought/feeling/urge/desire of mine that i haven’t thought abt in a long time. 

i think it also kind of happened when i realized i was autistic.

basically--

i feel vindication and joy and a thrill at there being something...idk any better way to say it. something “kind of wrong with me”. just a little bit. 

y’know what maybe i should talk abt this in therapy bc this could probably be related to uhhhhh--....well a lot of things. succinctly: thinking i don’t deserve positive love attn and support most of the time. 

so having something diagnosed about it is like HA-HA! I HAVE A LEGITIMATE REASON TO ASK FOR SUPPORT AND ATTENTION!

there’s also this weird thing of like

oh i do get to complain abt my body hurting! and that matters! and it’s not an embarrassing thing of me just ~being out of shape~ or ~doing something wrong~ or whatever! like 

something is just WRONG with my body’s collagen! like it don’t work right!

and so both autism and hEDS (and also MCAS) are like--

no, no. you ARE miserable ALL THE FUCKING TIME. and you ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. and that’s fine. and like we [diagnoses] can point at all of this stuff for you and be like “no yeah, it’s actually legit, i promise”

i’m sure this will wear off bc it has for autism. or at least i’ve hit a different wall w being autistic.

but idk i just have this THRILL of being like. no something is wrong w me but not in a scary way, so i can just. have attn and support abt it. 

i feel weird and guilty for feeling this way but as i’ve recently discovered, i have MANY unresolved and unexamined issues around this sort of thing. and i imagine it’s not all that uncommon.

also though i’m fully aware that even with diagnoses most people don’t get the respect or support or concern or empathy and compassion that they would deserve even without diagnoses. 

it’s just an internal thing for me. it’s a weird--okay i feel like i’ve read abt other ppl having this fantasy as a kid.

like breaking an arm and getting all the attention in the classroom. some kids lowkey fantasize abt that, right? i was one of them.

and this kind of. scratches that itch in a way. 

so this is where i’m currently at with Processing It All. 

and mostly what i’ve done is just recommend my dr to ANYONE in the area who needs help w any type of EDS or MCAS or even POTS (which i don’t have) bc i want to just make sure everyone can get a diagnosis and speak with a dr who is as proactive, respectful, helpful, kind, generous, and knowledgeable as this woman i’m seeing now. 

like i truly cannot overstate how amazing and helpful she’s been, and i’ve only had 3 appt with her. 

ANYWAY so that’s it. i just wanted to. put these feelings somewhere and think abt them out loud. i haven’t been able to talk abt it with my mom & the fear abt sharing this w anyone in certain positions in my life is like--i don’t want them to think i’ve somehow faked this, y’know?

although it’s p fucking hard to fake a 7/9 on the beighton scale with several other points in favor of hEDS as well as a “variant of uncertain significance” on a gene that codes for collagen so like lololol

ANYWAY

me, hunched over my laptop bc my stomach’s upset so i got to sit up straight and my shoulder pops and my upper back sounds like bubble wrap lolololol

ANYWAY

friendship vent (agane LMAO)

i didnt say this before because i was too embarrassed LMAO but a little over 2 weeks ago i ruined my best friend of 5 year's 21st birthday by getting way too drunk, breaking up the whole event, and having a ambulance called on me LMAO. i am ok (obvi) but I've always been the one who's leeched off her for emotional support shit (because i have no friends except her lol) and we've had these similar arguments in the past but because it was supposed to be her big day, and it was in front of all her friends from uni and shit, and her family (which had to deal with me and house me for that night) none have ever been this bad.

because my mental health is so shit, she often worries if I've like kms-ed even tho i wouldn't do that. but i gave her space for 2 weeks and finally messaged her today being like yo hope you're well all that shit. she messaged back (a good sign) and we talked for a tiny but but she was like I'm still mad at u abt the party thing but I'm also worried about your mental health.'

and like, sure, i could have just said 'dw I'm all good' and moved on, but in the past 3 years where I've lost all my other friends and family (no one died dw, just stopped talking to friends and family moved far away) I've always kinda leaned on her the most. and over the past few months when my mental health was at its lowest, i could tell she was starting to get anxious just by my mere existence (thinking i was dead or smth) and its been weighing on my mind that she doesn't really need that shit in her life, because her life comparatively is a fuck ton more stressful atm.

so basically i info dumped (not a slay) and was like look i was giving u space, but I've been thinking about our friendship which i am the one who always messes up, and ik we've had a few conversations abt it before but i just wanted to state my piece. already from my side this has been a slightly unhealthy relationship because i know i am far too dependant on you, and i don't want this turning into a more unhealthy friendship because before that was a v internal me thing whereas now its actually impacting your life. so i love our friendships and its happy moments but i want you to really evaluate your life and make the final decision as to if you want me in it or not. maybe not for a few weeks, or moths, or ever, but i feel guilty that YOU feel guilty about it.

and ik it isn't my place to dictate her feelings or whatever but now i fear if i just kept my mouth shut we'd be on the path to getting back to normal. but at the same time, if i didn't say this then i feel like I'm mental-health-trapping her because she thinks if she leaves me ill kms??? like baby trapping but not really. anyway idk. she said 'this is a lot, i need time' which is totally fair and i will give it to her, but honestly now i feel I've been TOO real and she'll be like 'yeah i actually don't need talic in my life' and that may send me spiralling because i have zero support systems (apart from ao3 LMAO) without her.

oh well. if it works out it will, if it doesn't then its better for both of us in the long-run ig. just sad I've ruined another 5 year long friendship because of my alcoholic clingy stupid mental-health-issue-ridden ass.

lol

im ok dw. i truly want what's best for her and if its a life without me then i accept it. i will not be selfish and take more from her like i have. besides having zero friends will legit make me go out and make more because i die without social interaction (i say not showing up to uni for the third day week in a row because I'm lowkey agoraphobic and high-key depressed)

slay. perhaps i will write the most gut-churning sad angst to cope

cyl year 7! deets under cut

heres hoping that the winners are at least one person i like. rob (either) would be ideal, esp if they arent possessed lol. i would say corn but recently the corns have just been enforcing the gender route split which i think is really bland bc the whole point of the game is to choose your own route/ect. but yea. out of all the most popular ones theyre the only one id be really interested in

and for the actual cyl pics! elm: goodest boy needs his base version pls! like ok his new years art like i predicted is way better but i just want him. he actually didnt get screwed over writingwise (he didnt get. anything. writingwise but still. thats a step up) so even more reason to want him

renault: the last member of the treble trouble five! please add him soon! i think hes really fascinating in the story of 7, being a man on a redemption arc from like. a really bad path, which you like never see in the fe series (but hey. maybe mauvier or whatever? tbh he gives me hendrik vibes a little). hes fascinating in the story and his supports are a wide range of emotions, from being comical like in bartre’s to being depressing in most of the others. i dont fucking give a darn abt the main villain of 7 but if they add him theyd better add renault too (or alternatively id also take fallen renault when he was still on life essence juice)

amalda: the unofficial sixth ranger of tt5! i also want her to be added soon but idk if ever soon (since shes a route split tho maybe she could be a ghb! please gosh). like renault i think shes really interesting for a character standpoint, shes one of the people who opposed fucking kidnapping children and actually rescued children (and not after helping to kidnap and kill them shaking my head at last years 4 banner specifically), but harbors a guilty conscience bc of the blood she’s spilled as a soldier, and is torn emotionally of whether to stay loyal to friege or not. tbh she and renault have a lot of same energy and i love them both.

jeritza: pre timeskip i am begging. hes just really cool before it, and would make a great ghb (tho thats probably unlikely). just let him keep the mask i am foaming at the mouth. i didnt really care for how he was treated after the timeskip and tbh in general, but i still like his character even tho i have issues w the canon writing. he deserves better tldr

ilios: this year was rally 5 bc i love them and want them added! ilios is fun, and like amalda i feel like he has a good chance to be ghb material (like. if they add fred or whatever his name is? olwen’s friend? they could have ghb of him), he even has a support/conversation/thingy with karin itd be great. (honestly their banter was funny! tho i want that sword guy from 5 too bc i liked the dynamic between him and her lol. and i want halvan too, and dagdar) but yea ilios! hes a fun character, i have noticed i have a soft spot for guys with sticks up their butts lol. i agree w karin tho his obsession w his name and stiff personality is fun to tease

shannam: the funniest boy! the only person in the world who it is ok to call a sussy baka lol. his entire concept of a character is so funny, hes essentially a con man impersonating the prince but hes kind of an idiot and a little flaky. and gosh do i love me a good con man. his friendship w homeros is fun, and oh gosh when mareeta referenced him in her crit line i was like -pointing guy meme- please come home.

homer: chaotic music boy hours! gosh i think he did well last year i would love for him to be added. hes canonically a tome but they could make him a musician dancer like nils that would be fun! (unlikely but fun). hes just the hornyman(tm) but has a laser focus for horny, except the person he tries to be horny with i think punches him and cries bc hes so pathetic so he joins your party. hes a cool grey morality character and i dig that so much. plus his friendship w shannam is very good too. i swear if we got the boys(tm) id cry happy tears (w ghb ilios! that would be the dream lol. amalda ig would have to be gacha cries)

other characters id want to give ones to would be idunn (santa or new years pls), ursula (rearmed please!), touma and yashiro (tms part 2 please!!), iuchar, iuchabra, and arion from 4 (and maybe ishtore and liza too if theyre included. gosh they make me so emo not gonna lie. both bc what happens to them and how they get treated in canon). i dont remember if flech was included but gosh she deserved better too id give her one if i could. not to even get started on characters id just like to see included, like linoan, murdock, elrean, dozla, ect.

okay i am normal now and i will try to Speak!!!

for one thing: corruption!sasha is almost never done and i love it so so much.

2. i guess i’m numbering these now idk but i kind of resonated with tim in this chapter?? idk something about needing to break something and to get all the feeling out and being practically unable to not do so? feels familiar.

3. i liked how gerry’s DID wasn’t even hidden throughout the fic (i reread the fic yesterday haha), and it just needed a little push (the tape) to be pretty obvious. that’s just me saying ur super good at writing!! i do not have DID so i cannot speak on rep i am literally saying that you are great at writing and hinting at things!! and

4. last one i’m super excited for where u take this and getting to know more characters better (and the secret martin ship. i think abt it so much.) okay i lied

5. this is just general but the way u wrote jon w pots in the whole series is just *chefs kiss*. i adore jon and i have pots so i am just ‼️‼️ the whole time he has similar experiences to me okay bye i hope u have a good day!!

I'M normal now so i can REPLY to this YEEEEAH! under the cut for rambling!

01. thank you!!!! i wanted to do some fun Entity Swap type stuff with this and challenge myself, sort of? to make it make sense. corruption!sasha was partly done because of how the two entities that played a massive role in her canon death were that and the stranger, and i wanted to avoid the stranger for her. and with the corruption, i want to focus on the more existential/thematic sides of it rather than... JUST the gross stuff, i actually don’t plan to literally have Bugs Inhabiting Her, it’s more they flock to her and she has no idea where they come from or where they go when they leave, at the moment. 

her themes are grief, guilt, family, and wilfully ignoring/hiding things? which goes along with the backstory we gave her and tim (so building from THAT was easier) and also how she just. DOES THINGS in canon and doesn’t TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT KFJNDKJ. there are things happening in the archives that ARE a little because of the effect she’s having on them as her mark worsens! this part in her statement lays it out:

“No one wants to smack a butterfly, but moths are easy. The comparison is fairly simple. You don’t want to step on a rosebud, but once it’s a dandelion? No one cares. [...] How do we decide what deserves to live? Where do we draw the line between a house moth and a rosy maple? I think a lot of it is the fuzz. I think the bigger they are, the harder it is to reconcile. The harder it is to pretend it’s insignificant, and justify it.”

you don’t want to smack a butterfly, but you also feel worse about smacking the Bigger, Prettier moths that aren’t as visually insignificant - you feel GUILTY if you hurt something like that, so you freeze or try to hope they’ll go away before you have to. no one wants to hurt sasha, and - maladaptively - they also don’t want to criticize her or even consider that something might be wrong, because they’re scared to confront it; like gerard said.

it’s going to come to a head very soon :’-) she’s got a pretty full arc in the works and i’m SO excited to explore her and get her the recovery she deserves, too.

02. i really love writing tim expressing anger, honestly? like. i have such a huge problem with how he sometimes gets reduced to nothing BUT his anger, but the thing is... anger is an ordinary, healthy human emotion, not a failing or a weakness inherently. Poor Behavior is a choice. tim didn’t WANT to just grab something and break it, what the hell would that say about him? but he needed an outlet for the horrible things that keep happening to him, and the support of the people around him means the World when it comes to being able to express that frustration in a way that helps take the edge off so he can calm down. tim is honestly a really considerate and caring person, i like finding the balance between when his emotions get away from him and how hard he TRIES to make sure he’s still able to watch out for other people when it starts to look like he’s going to reach his limit.

03. gerry’s DID has never been a secret, yeah! i’m really touched that you would go back to reread and see where i left those Super glaring clues it means a lot to me fhdkjfh. i don’t want people thinking i’m sensationalizing my own condition by making it be an active part of the story i’m telling, like... we deserve to tell our stories and see ourselves in things, too! incorporating it as naturally as i could without using it for Shock Value was really important to me and i’m so glad it’s been received well so far. 

it’s not a plot twist! just “ohhhh, now i get it!” which is exactly how it feels, sometimes, to realize you’re a part of a system in general. for me, it wasn’t Shocking as much as it made everything make sense!

gerry has always struck as one who not only Very Likely has it (people acting like this shit is rare make me laugh. It Seems Rare Because It’s COVERT And You’re Not Supposed To Be Able To See It, Dipshit!) due to how he was raised, but i also took the notable discrepancy between how people describe him in statements and how he is when we hear him speak. sure, that’s just normal “persona for the situation” type shit that everyone does! but his entire story is nothing but trauma. i think it makes sense, and it opens up opportunities to give him some catharsis, support, and recovery.

04. i’m excited for the next steps, too! changing face is going to be focused on sasha and martin predominantly, so it’s funny you should bring up the secret ship :-) but i will say, there’s still a while before that comes into play. he’s gotta get integrated into the story more fully first! THEN i have to bring in [redacted] in one of the most fucked up arcs i have planned jhbkn.

05. POTS JON! he faints so much in canon, it only makes sense he’d have that complication along with his EDS. honestly, i’ve written more about GERRY’S POTS than jon’s so far, but i’m going to amp it up a little bit! i’m :’-) happy you see yourself in him. (sidenote, he’s going to have so much wild development here that canon and come what may jon would look at him and go ;A; why does HE get to be so cool... wtf... :-( and i’m so excited jhdfbkdjn)

THIS GOT SO LONG SORRY JHVBKN thank you for this ask, i am so glad you like the story so far! <3

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

ask dump! Separated loosely by topic 

Questions and Comments

1. is this a homestuck thing. this is a homestuck thing isnt it  2. lol i love doing both!!! i love world building but i also like trying my hand at redesigning the mess that is canon fashion. @theoretical-artist​ 3. thank you!!! oritel and marion are in this post! 4. ayyyyy inginio hit me up (thank you lol) 5. Thank you! 6. maybe? i’ll see if i get around to it, i still have a few characters to get to so the school fairies and the last two selkies might show up with them 7. probably not.... it would be super fun but unless it was a commission i don’t feel like i have time haha 8. I’ve seen their blog around!! i can’t remember if i follow or not but i know who ur talking about and they cool @winxy-writing @winxys-written-world

Character and Worlbuilding

1. My brilliant nerd daughter!!! She sometimes gets so into coding or a video game she forgets to eat or drink so the girls watch out for her. She’s prone to dissociating, especially if the situation is emotional. Her hair is really soft. she actually loves sappy romantic things but has trouble accepting them or vocalizing that she wants them because they’re impractical/illogical. she discovered romcoms when she got to alfea and they are her ultimate guilty pleasure(only flora knows abt this and is always slipping recs to her) 2. They’re weirdly one of my fav couples??? like maybe its because i relate to and have projected onto both of them lmao. but any ways. Daphne and Thoren actually met when they were kids, but didn’t spend much time together because it was at a formal event. Daphne is technically 20 years older than Thoren(only a few years older than Sky), but they’re the same physical age because Daphne spent so long as a spirit. They probably wouldn’t get married as quickly in my version, especially with Daphne’s trauma. Daphne will have nightmares sometimes and Thoren has a whole routine for comforting her and helping her feel safe and grounded. Thoren gets anxious easily, and Daphne will use her magic to subtly change the environment so he feels more comfortable. they like to watch reality tv together and yell at dramatic people. 3. omg yes. this was the most frustrating thing i was watching through winx with my dad like a month ago and every time bloom called her adoptive parents by their first names i yelled at her lol. she would call Vanessa mama and Mike daddy(if you make a kink joke i will eat your liver). She would call Marion and Oritel mom and dad.  4. Yeah kind of! part of her exhaustion in Dowlland was the fact that she had been in fairy mode for so long, hiking underground, and tossed around in a river like??? anybody would need a pick me up after that. She (and all solarians) do have to live where there’s a lot of natural light as they require a high amount of vitamin d(or the equivalent of it for solarians). short trips usually aren’t a problem, Stella is just hella unlucky in the second season lmao. @moonpeachblossom 5. the short answer as to why she’s a blond (scottish??? in one of the dubs???) in an asian inspired culture/planet is because racism (or not so short bcus its a lot to unpack honestly). the answer in my version however is a pretty simple fix. She bleaches her hair. she’s paler than musa but she aint white.  6. I haven’t really yet!! Helia is struggling with his two fairly opposed cultural influences, trying to figure what he wants and whats right for him. He was raised on Lynphea but had frequent trips to Vaonaa. Lynphea is very grounded, they’re slow and steady and stubborn. Vaonaa is much more flexible, they’re flighty and spontaneous and easily adaptable. Helia’s dads love eachother and helia very much but they are VERY different people and both want different things from Helia(they try not to pressure too much but the expectations are still there). Helia’s Vaonaaj dad wants him to pursue magic, specifically wind or air magic. Helia’s Lynphean dad wants him to become a warrior. Helia feels like he’s kind of a misfit in both Vaonaaj and Lynphean culture. It took a while, but he did finally confide his feelings in Flora and she encouraged him to talk with his dads about finding his niche.  7. oooooooh fun fun relationshipsssss Bloom and Sky: so bloom and sky aren’t the most stable couple, and in my version it would take bloom a little longer to be ok with dating a prince. Bloom is fairly insecure in her relationships because of self worth issues, and tend to run away from problems instead of dealing with them. Sky on the other hand is confident but doesn’t really know how to handle people’s feelings and tends to push confrontation. I do believe that with better writing Sky and bloom could be a dope couple but as is in canon they’re VERY problematic.  Stella and Brandon: babies. they love each other so much its the best omg. Stella finds her worth in her appearance but she always seems to take brandon’s complements in a less.... arrogant way? if that makes sense? like she truly appreciates them and wants his support. i wish we knew more about Brandon but he’s legit such a good boyfriend. I think they fight mostly when Stella is being a little selfish, or when Brandon is too busy to meet her emotional needs. Flora and Helia: MORE BABIES. so Helia is more of a drama queen in the comics but we’ll ignore that for right now lol. Flora and Helia are probably the least problematic couple in the entire show. They met. Flirted a little. Confessed. and started dating with out any major problems. if i can remember correctly they don’t even really fight??? unless icy has frozen helia’s heart or something lol. I think both Helia and Flora’s love language is quality time so they’re fairly low key and just like to be in the same space and each other.   Musa and Riven: boy oh boy. Ok so, ignoring the several times Riven was LITERALLY MIND CONTROLLED his character is still difficult to deal with. I think Musa and Riven are both very intense people, and while that can be super fun and develop into a good relationship, it can also lead to LOTS of problems. I think my major problem with how they broke up was that Musa didn’t support Riven’s training? like i understand being upset you can’t see ur person often, or if they’re really busy, but Riven supported Musa’s music several times in the previous seasons it just seemed weird Musa was so unfairly demanding of him? Tecna and Timmy: nerd babies. They’re super cute honestly. I think Timmy was probably the one to instigate the relationship and bonded with Tecna over technology since she wasn’t super emotionally available at first. They have issues when Tecna is unable to voice her emotions and timmy needs to know what she’s feeling mostly, but after the first few times they’ve both learned to give the other space to figure their stuff out. Aisha and Nabu: ugh perfect couple. minus the kind of sketchy beginning lol. Aisha and Nabu generally don’t fight once they get used to each other. Nabu is a focal point that aisha is kind of bungee corded to if that makes sense? like obvi not in a restricting way. its just Aisha is hella active and needs her own space to explore and grow, but Nabu is her solid ground that she relies on.  Aisha and Nex: i actually don’t hate nex as much as the rest of the fandom lol. so like i said Aisha is an active, independent woman, and if Nabu was a separate, stationary, focal point for her, I think Nex is related, moving, counter point. So like Nex can actually keep up with Aisha, and push her and challenge her. Which isn’t a bad thing in relationships so long as a mutual respect is there.   8. well. canon is a little..... messy. My version of the girls definitely retain their individualism. for other differences... they’re just a little more fleshed out? i guess? like Bloom’s moody behavior in the show i think is because of her insecurity issues, so that plays a part in how i draw her and think of her.  9. ok wow this is gonna be tough well here we go Sky: I think sky is an ESTJ he’s not super emotional(inf Fe) but can lean toward controlling(dom Te). he seems to like tradition and think social promises are important(Si). Brandon: ESFJ. Brandon is the mom friend of the boys ok. He goes along with sky’s crazy plans, tries to subtly set Riven up with musa(season 1 i think?), some how managed to land a social butterfly like Stella and seems to just navigate social situations REALLY easily(dom Fe). he also seems to hate being disrespected or taken for granted(Si) stella does this occasionally.  Timmy: ISFJ???? thats the vibe i get hear me out ok so in season 2 Timmy gets tecna the exact computer part she needs because 1. He knows they both like things to be practical(Si) 2. He knows and remembered the part she was talking about and filed it away in his brain(Ti) and 3. He and Tecna bonded over tech (Fe) Riven: honestly he’s a tough one.... Maybe a really stunted and angry ISFJ? (speaking from personal experience i am an ISFJ) i don’t have a real reason why but riven’s behavior is really confusing in the show so it makes typing tough..... possibly INTJ as well....... Helia: ISFP. Lmao I might be basing this entirely off of stereotypes but helia has a strong pacifist belief and can be moody(Fi, and more in the comics lol) is attuned to his surroundings(Se) seems pretty focused??(Ni) and i can’t think of his Te showing up be it is an inferior  Nabu: ISTJ weirdly a good fit with Aisha(ESTP) tho?? even though he’s an Si dom, he doesn’t go along with the arranged marriage because its not what he believes(Fi) and he’s stubborn about it(Te). Roy: ENFJ honestly just a cutie. He’s personable(Fe), focused for the most part(Ni), and is comfortable in his environment(Se).  Nex: ENTP? maybe?? He’s pretty impulsive and has that “work around” mentality I associate with ENTPs.... idk this one doesn’t seem to fit super well...  Thoren: Maybe INFJ?? i mean thoren honestly doesn’t have a lot of screen time but he’s attentive(Ni), and tries to take care of people(Fe). most of the infj’s i know are fun but weird lol, but i think thoren has anxiety so that could play into him being less “out there” in his behavior.  if any of yall have input on this feel free to let me know. 10. ooooooh good question. So I’m basing these on their parent’s name and the names of people from their planet. Bloom: Hestia or Enya, i also think she got sent to earth with an article of clothing or a blanket that had her name on it, which is why her name is the same lmao Stella: Stella is actually named pretty appropriately considering the other names we have are Luna, Radius, Nova, Chimera, and Casandra, all of those are fairly latin/roman based names.  but she could also be called Clara, Aura, Venus etc. Musa: Her mom and dad have very asian sounding names but the princess of melody is named Galatea, so honestly anything is on the table. Aulos, Hee-Young, Jia Li, Kaida, etc. Tecna: lol everybody on Zenith has ridiculous names so im just loosely basing them off of sciencey stuff. Nobelia, Xenon, Titania. Aisha: I actually really like Aisha’s name! Ayize, Sizani, Mehrbano would work tho. Flora: what even is the naming system of Lynphea i don’t understand it. Im gonna make them vaguely naturey and European-ish?? Calla, Terra, Rowan, Willow, I could go on and on there are so many plant names. 11. Hmmm yeah, so basically in my world a person with TOO MUCH magic gets overwhelmed and kinda goes a little crazy(the ancestral witches) the same thing happens with tritannus when he gets the emperor's throne power. He’s loyal to icy and she to him until he looses his ability to think clearly and turns on icy, icy gets freaked out and leaves with her sisters when they swoop in to rescue her. they don’t so much “break up” as they are “broken up” by the circumstances. In general Tritannus does really like Icy, hes attracted to her ambition and powerful personality. Icy started out just manipulating Tritannus but caught feelings oops 12. Yeah so, humans in general can withstand a lot of wild magic as their body “metabolizes” it quickly. Kalshara(the cat lady you don’t know the name of) used extremely concentrated samples, combined with other spells to keep the wild magic in her body permanently. If a human with out a properly developed magic biome (a lot of earthians only have a low functioning one) get exposed to a wild magic source they would probably gain some aspects of fairy animals, probably not like, fur, or anything but eye and hair color changes, maybe some patterns on the skin. but there’s also the chance that they would just.... die..... cus that happens with animals too lmao sry. @weirdghostly

i was just....wondering....do u think this is ok abt gender as well? like i...feel fucking guilty for not letting a few friends of mine know abt being nb and this leads to some uh...dysphoria inducing comments on their end *its not their fault!!! ofc. they don't know* but.....i- idk man. i'm pretty conflicted. any advice?

disclaimer: i’m not an expert or a scholar i am just a 20 year old with a lot of opinions 😭

for your specific situation i think this also applies. from what you describe it sounds like the guilt stems from feeling obligated to come out. two options: come out or do the internal work u need to come to terms with the fact that no one is owed your identity (and that’s not a big deal either! they’re also not owed information on your bowel movements but you don’t feel guilty about that bc it’s fine and they don’t need to know!). for the comments, if theyre general comments u can still correct and educate even if they don’t necessarily know youre non-binary. as simple as “oh actually guys i heard you shouldn’t say that bc xyz” or “wait that reminds me of something i read the other day! did you know that’s actually offensive/incorrect/a myth?“ etc. if the dysphoria stems from their actions towards you specifically you can set boundaries without a full blown explanation. for example, i have a friend who tends to be rowdy when she laughs. when i told her i wasn’t comfortable w being hit playfully, she made an effort to remember that and apply it to her actions, no questions asked. in terms of sharing ur gender identity i started rambling so i’m putting it under the cut and i’m sorry if it’s scatter brained i’m rly just thinking out loud and still in the process of crystallizing my own opinion

tl;dr of the cut: keep in mind you can be as vague and broad as u want and there are very few people you owe full blown explanations to.

ok to preface another issue i have w coming out is ppl feel pressured to do it ASAP and trap themselves in a label and are less willing to fully explore and understand their identities bc they’ve already gone around and told everyone and no one wants to come out a second time, especially w less supportive ppl making comments like “i knew you’d change your mind/it’s a phase/etc”

someone who has come to full terms with their gender identity and in a position to “come out” should they want to. in my opinion, if they dont care to announce it and officially come out to friends and family w a full explanation, they can at that point figure out the absolute minimum information they’d need to share and go from there. for example, if i am non-binary, fine with going by she/her pronouns, and fine going by my given name, I don’t have to share anything at all. if i’m not comfortable with my name, i ask to be called by another. if i want to go by other pronouns, i can ask to be referred to by those pronouns and provide as much or little explanation as i want and think is appropriate in the situation (ex: if i ask a coworker to refer to me with they/them, that’s literally all i’m asking. they don’t need to know my business.) and so on depending on your comfort level

for those who choose to change their appearance and present themselves differently, it all depends on their environment. for most people you can literally just not tell them and if they ask you can say “personal reasons” and leave it at that unless you want to say more. same thing here with defining the bare minimum of information you want to share and tailoring it to fit your comfort level and your relationship to the person you’re talking to (like if u get top surgery and grow a beard and have a relationship w ur mom. the bare minimum thing doesn’t really apply and ur probably gonna have to sit down w her for a talk and a decent explanation)

so even if you show up to school one day in makeup and heels after 16 years of being perceived as a boy and tell people to call you samantha and refer to u with she/her pronouns they STILL aren’t owed a private explanation and you’re allowed to not answer their questions bc regardless of whether or not you share your full life story they’re still obligated to treat you with respect and respect your privacy (socially but also in most cases. legally.) for the ppl who choose not to respect you, i doubt overstepping your comfort levels to share the nitty gritty details of your story would’ve changed anything other than leaving you feeling exposed.

i forgot where i was going with this but. yeah. i’m thinking about it since it can vary so widely on such an individual basis so im trying to make my answer something malleable and theory based that you can use to form your own answer for your specific situation rather than me telling u what i think you should do

death tw. just got the news that my mom passed away from an aneurysm i think, and everyone around me is all emotional and saying "if you need anyone to talk to we're here" but the thing is she was. kind of hella abusive to me?and i dont.. feel anything? idk im not HAPPY abt it but im not particularly upset more than i would if it was a stranger. and i GET that i dont have to suddenly forgive her because shes dead but i feel guilty over it and uhh. not. having a fun time rn. advice welcome.

Hi Anon,

I am so sorry.  Death of a direct family member is always a struggle, for all kinds of reasons.

You don’t have to feel any kind of way about this.  Whatever comes to you naturally is a valid response.  She hurt you.  You don’t owe her any grief or guilt.  

Not feeling anything might actually be a sign that you’re having a lot of competing thoughts and feelings, so your brain just kind of numbs it all down until you can deal with it later.  Being happy about it might even be one of those many feelings, because now she can’t abuse you anymore.  If, by chance, you feel some positive emotions because she’s gone, that’s okay too.  Your feelings might even change over time, several times.

And if you don’t ever feel much at all, you’re not alone.  This thread has posts from several people who have experienced an abusive parent’s death.

Here’s another thread where people talk about feeling relief after the parent dies.  One of the comments I found really interesting was this:

“I don't miss her even a little bit. I didnt even think about calling her for 10 weeks. However, there is something you might find it helpful/healthy to do and that is to grieve the loss of the relationship you always wanted with her, that one you did all you could as a child, teen, adult to earn and you never did. It's hard to let that fantasy go and harder to understand and accept the time and energy you lost trying to be worthy of someone not worthy of you.”

If any of those people trying to be supportive to you is someone you can trust, maybe take them up on the offer.  You could tell them what she was really like.  Or what you’re really feeling, because it’s not the “expected” response and saying it out loud could really help you.  If they’re truly offering support, consider taking it.  

And read about how people deal with grief.  Everyone experiences it differently, but everyone does experience at some time in their lives.  There are a lot of tips out there.  Find the ones that suit you.

-Miss Fay