.

Personal rant

I started my final year of schooling last week and I’ve already missed 9 out of 11 classes so far. I’m burning up all my unexcused absences and I can’t even bring myself to care at all because I don’t want to be in this program getting this degree and I feel incredibly trapped and overwhelmed. I can’t make myself do the readings. I can’t make myself go to class. I can’t make myself care. I can’t seem to do anything at all but lay in bed. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this for another year. Fuck, I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this even just next week when I no longer can miss class without an excusal. And I can’t drop out anymore cause the deadline for full reimbursement passed, but also that was never a real option for me anyway cause dropping out would also likely mean moving home and that’s just as bad for my brain. Even right now I should be doing my readings for my class that’s at 3:30, but instead I’m typing this. Because I’m sad and I don’t care. But because I didn’t do the readings? I feel like I can’t go to class, so I WON’T which in turn is a problem cause I am using all my skips and I’m missing the first two weeks of class so I’m going to go in SO fucking confused next week probably. Shit shit shit shit fuck.

TW: weight discussion, emetophobia, eating disorder mention (just by name nothing specific), ARFID, depression, anxiety, apathy, mention of American politics

Heavier discussion below

I recently realized (i don’t have a scale in my apt) that I lost about 40 pounds in the span of about 5 months all from a combination of stress/my ADHD medication suppressing my appetite (vyvanse bitch ass doesn’t even work) and stress induced vomited and also vomiting because I treat my body like shit (don’t drink water, cope with unhealthy substances a lil too often, don’t eat anything remotely healthy, barely eat at all anymore if I’m being honest). I knew I’d lost some cause clothes were looser. I thought it was like 10. But no I know how much I weighed in March and it was a full difference of 40 and I know part of this stress and the stress induced vomiting are being caused by school and it’s like… I have another year. Am I just gonna keep wasting away? Something’s gotta give here and I know shit has to change but I have absolutely no drive to actually climb out of the hole I’ve buried myself in. I feel like there’s no point and that even if I crawl out, the world is the same and my family is the same and I’m still in this program and so nothing is actually different anyway. I just wanna let the dirt consume me. I wanna lay in my bed with a sitcom playing mindlessly in the background while I work on my silly little fanfictions until everything just stops except I lay in bed and don’t even do those things but am paralyzed by all the things I should be doing instead that I neglected because I didn’t care and I still don’t care enough to do it, but I feel bad enough to not do anything else either in that time. And I know that’s BAD and that having no motivation for anything is obviously super a ‘ur depression is worse girl’ (hi yea i fucking live inside this stupid head so I already fucking know that. @/my psych and parents). but I keep getting cancelled on or stood up by therapists and my psych has told me three appointments now shit like ‘Well what do you want me to do about?’ (Without even fucking considering something like uhhhhh… idk changing the meds I’m on? Since I’m at the max dose for my anti depressant and I’ve been on it for about half a year and I feel it stagnated because while it seemed to help when I started, now I’m worse? Like, I tell you I feel the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life and you answer ‘And what do you want me to do?’ YOUR FUCKING JOB? Provide me with my options???? Not be a dick?) And she keeps saying I have to find a therapist because the meds only do so much (I had one but she went on maternity leave in January and then when she came back from it I was too broke to pay every week (which is what my bitch ass brain needs) and then when I wasn’t broke any longer she had ghosted me and she also was my provider for two years and never actually gave me any coping mechanisms so I kinda wanted a new one anyway). The psych did not like when I laughed at her and said “And will you fucking pay for it?” in response the first time she said it even though obviously I know she’s right.

My roommate told me the other day also that I need to get a therapist and that I have to focus my energy into that because she can’t listen to me say the same complaints anymore (she said it nicely, but like I’m crying rn thinking about it and will likely never feel safe to share with her anymore for worry of annoying her.) She also said she doesn’t think I want to help myself. That she wants me to get better and obviously it’s shit what’s happening but that I’m not doing the (what are to her obvious and to me impossible to actually do because of familial enmeshment and financial dependence) things that could maybe make things better. Even though… I AM trying to help myself. Yea it’s not the best I can be doing, but it’s as much as I can fucking manage given my surety that none of this matters and isn’t that worth something? I’ve been looking for a therapist since MAY. They keep standing me up or cancelling or they’re booked or they don’t take my insurance. I had five (5) telehealths where I got stood up. Starting therapy anew is already terrifying but when the person doesn’t show up it just feels like shit. It made me feel like they looked at my paperwork and decided I wasn’t fucked up enough when the reality is yea I held back slightly but that’s because I needed to know the vibes of the place first. That’s not what happened (for at least three appts anyway. The other two ghosted me also after so I never got explanation so maybe it did) but I still felt that way and for someone who already has a lot of problems with imposter syndrome and deep insecurities around being forgotten it really sucked and was incredibly unprofessional of any worker but especially mental health care professionals to do. I have one on Friday. Let’s hope this one doesn’t stand me up 🤞 Also, back to my ungodly amount of rapid weight loss, I did have 40 pounds that could’ve been shed and I am still not what would be consider ‘skinny’ but an average weight, so the worst part of this whole thing is that people are telling me i look GOOD now. Literally it was my MOM. She always implied I’m overweight and need to lose it and pretends like it’s ‘in your best interest honey’ meanwhile I can’t even do the fucking obligations I’m tied to? You think I can fucking do EXTRA? And yea I should use that kickboxing class that I bought, but not to lose weight mother, but because I’m not physically fit in that I cannot go up stairs without getting winded and because I have all the rage in the world (a portion of which goes to her!) and hitting things makes me feel better and it expires soon and was $40 I won’t get back. None of those reasons have to do with my weight, but if I mention I went to that class to her? She’s going to be SO excited on the phone, for all the wrong reasons thinking it’s me trying to get thin, when it’s me trying to get healthy. That is not equivalent to weight loss necessarily, as clearly evidenced here since I lost a shit ton unhealthily. This weekend I got a ‘Do you lose weight? Cause you look great!’ from her. 🫠🙄And i know that people would even more so do that if I do continue on this path of wasting away even though I’m actually unhealthier than I’ve ever been with my eating habits and the weight loss is a result of my depression and anxiety spiraling worse. How about we as a society stop fucking commenting on other peoples weight period full stop. Also it’s SAYING something that I’m the worst ever rn because food and I have always had a weird vibe. I recently learned what ARFID is and I’m fairly confident I’ve had that my entire life and just never had the name for it so that’s certainly something. Anyway idek what the point of this was other than for me to shout into the void because I was sad. If the void wants to shout back and tell me how I’m supposed to function in this life that’d be great cause I didn’t even HIT the state of the world and how that causes half my lack of motivation for anything in this post, but god the American political and legal landscape fill me dread and anxiety and anger and I can never escape them.

TLDR: I’m sad, I can’t bring myself to go to class at all in these first two weeks of classes. I need a therapist but they keep cancelling when I finally get an appointment and find one that accepts my insurance. My psych is kinda bad and my roommate was trying to help but did it in a way that hurt me more. I wanna drop out but can’t and also school is impacting my mental health so severely that I lost an extreme amount of weight in a short amount of time. Got complimented by mom even though I’m literally unhealthy. Separate from that but intertwined, I might have ARFID, possibly for my whole life and I am genuinely SHOCKED it never once was suggested by a medical professional to my parents when I was a child.

How do i say no to people

You know that analogy about people with adhd having spoons for energy management or whatever? My spoons are on backorder from like 2 months ago and more got on that list now

The problem is that all of the things I'm being asked to do are Very Important Things

I have to feed my diabetic cat. This in itself is not a problem, however she's needs to eat at a specific time (12 hour spacing) and my current sleeping situation along with work do not allow this to happen consistently. Currently trying for 7:30, we'll see how it goes

My apartment has bedbugs, and there's no way in fucking hell I'm sleeping on my living room floor until my scumlord landlord actually gets the guy to come back to spray because he did spray but I'm still seeing adults and i "need to give the spray time to work" it's been fucking 2 weeks i don't know how is supposed to work but i feel like after 2 weeks whatever spray you did isn't going to get any stronger i just want to sleep in my own bed it's been like this since fucking March

With that part explained, I'm sleeping at my mom's house on the other side of town. This in itself isn't much of a problem, however as "payment" i have to take care of her dog in the morning, to practice because she's going on a week long vacation in October and none of her dogs can just be taken care of like normal dogs. He needs to wear a diaper to leave the room while i pick up his shit and soiled weewee pad and mop the floor, give him some time to be out of his room, and then feed him his special food mix. The other dog has allergies and probably will get into something he shouldn't, then not use the bathroom outside even though he literally has a doggy door that has constant access to the backyard. Neither dog get along with each other, which is why they are separated. Thank fuck the cat is just normal, this is why i prefer them

Now with THAT explained, it's difficult to take care of my own cat on time in the morning. But as the legendary Billy Mays says: But wait, there's more!

I just got rehired at my job working in a local understaffed pizzeria. My friend, ego also works there, is on vacation (good for her, she deserves it, absolutely no negativity towards her) so i have acquired her hours. So i now work 6 days a week, kinda sorta clopen but i guess it's more of opelose. Or a combination of both? Idk. The point here is, I'm then dealing with essentially running half a restaurant alone 6 days a week, with it not being 7 purely because the owner himself ALSO has the same work schedule as far as I'm aware, and wanted to give himself a day off, and since we are so understaffed it would be impossible unless we literally closed. My tasks include answering the phone, washing dishes, making sandwiches, making dinners, folding pizza boxes, and cleaning the tables/equipment on that side of the restaurant. So essentially everything except making pizzas, cleaning the pizza area, mopping in general, and driving. We generally close at 9, 10 on Friday and Saturday. Guess who was explicitly rehired to close those days? Guess how that's going to work with me having to be home around 7:30 to take care of my own cat? I have no idea either. It's only for about 3 weeks, but my mom, whom i have not asked for any additional help with anything, won't feed the cat while i have work, even though there isn't a guarantee that i can leave on time to THEN RETURN to close, because again I'm the only one on that side of the building. I understand the fear of the bedbugs, so that's probably it, but it still fucking sucks because the kitchen is on the other side of the apartment from the bedroom and there is literally no reason to go there to feed her. But i get it

Did we get to where i can do my own ADLs? Of course not. My neighbor is in the hospital, and her husband is blind. This is a new development that was only discovered an hour before starting this post (about 3:30 am for me). She's ok, it's for mental health reasons, and that's her own business about that. Her husband being blind is not a new development however. And he needs help taking care of the pets, specifically the birds. Which is fine, they just also need to eat on their own schedule. 8am, around lunchtime, and 8pm. Guess who's still at work? One of the birds is special needs because her beak got injured and needs to be essentially spoon fed. Which the blind husband can't do at all. Fairly simple task, but just adding to my obligations that are Very Important because they involve making sure things don't starve to death while my neighbor is in Crisis

Ok let's see, that's 4 Very Important Tasks/Obligations, and only one was originally my own voluntary one. Still not at taking care of myself yet, but i have my shelter, i have my job ("part time" minimum wage, hurray. Part time because even with me being there 6 fucking days a week open to close it still isn't technically enough hours for the state to recognize it as full time), and I'm taking care of *counting* about 8 pets for the next week. Will unemployment give me my money that I've been claiming since March? No? Will they let me claim with my new working hours that makes that while process even harder? Technically but it'll take over an hour for it to process and it doesn't even do that in the end? Well fuck, guess i have to wait to get paid on the books in cash and beg for a hand written paystub and have my hours worked written down. Glad i earned $100 this week, i hope now that my hours have increased i get some more

Next on the list, appointments. Because I'm a dumbass who can't remember shit if it isn't consistently recurring, i overbooked myself for next week. My much needed therapy appointment with my therapist that I've only met once and is the replacement for my much better therapist that i actually had a relationship with is supposed to have a session with me on Tuesday. Will i remember to do it this time? Possibly since i actually remembered it's on Tuesday. Will she send me the reminder text with the zoom link? Probably not. Wednesday, my one day off, thank fuck for that, is the main problem with the scheduling. My med appointment is for 11:30. Cool, can do. Driving lesson at 12. Oh, that's a little close, but i can manage that probably. I only average 1 lesson per year and a half, so it's fine, it's "healthy" to be nervous about operating a death machine powered by explosions. Have to go to social services to pick up, or attempt to, a new food stamps card. They probably close at 5, and add a Non Driver, i need to rely on someone to take me. The sooner the better, but it can't be during the lesson. Don't forget to take care of the creatures before and during all of this.

Ok. Great. There's an hour before work. Time to shower, because it's so fucking hot I'll be sweating like crazy by the time i get around the corner to the pizzeria, with me literally getting out and dressed and then walking out the door. Glad i finally did still to take care of myself. Eating? I might have something i can heat up quickly while the cat eats and so i can take my own meds. Dishes? Those are going to have to wait, i hope the heat wave doesn't get too bad, but it's been like this for a while, still slowly chipping away at them. Sleep? Severe insomnia. I partially blame the bed, my mattress is so comfortable, i hope the bedbugs like it because i can't fucking use it right now. I'd be sleeping so fucking soundly if i were in my own bed, and yet here i am. Maybe i should take the Trazodone now. I just hope I'll wake up on time. Oh look I'm exhausted, can't afford to buy comparatively better prepared coffee from Dunkin, so i guess my shitty at home coffee is going to have to do. Black because i don't have any creamer or milk or lactose free milk in my house. Just the way i hate it. Gonna have to deal with that i guess, maybe I'll learn to like it

The coffee pot lives in my fridge now. I'm worried to put it with the other dishes because if it sits there, not being washed like everything else, then i won't even have the option of coffee. It's just water and ground up beans, I'm sure it's fine

Maybe i can find some kind of coping skill/hobby to help me through my limited me time. Let's see.... I like to crochet, and that helps me get through the dishes by letting me alternate between them and a row/round on one of my many started projects. What? It's in a giant garbage bag with a bedbug treatment stick because of the damn ass bedbugs? Can't open it for at least another week and even then there isn't a place to put the yarn safely? Well fuck. I found that really helpful with keeping me grounded. Umm, well looking online, i should *checks notes* buy new yarn in the meantime and keep it somewhere safe. Uh, well, i can't afford more yarn now and i have nowhere to put it. Videogames it is maybe? Oh fuck now I've hyper focused too long on pokemon, rhythm heaven, and whatever daily games i do, i think i have 5 of those of varying lengths of time spent on them

Did i remember to brush my teeth? No. Do i remember that i should and then when i get out of the shower so i forget to actually execute? Yes. Have i gone insane? Probably

How many spoons is a person supposed to have per day? It takes more for me just to get through the day in general. Why does everyone need me to do their Very Important Tasks? Why is there never anyone else? Can my neighbor just not buy more birds when she gets home from Crisis?

I just want to have good mental health, why is this so hard

916

What Rhymes With “AIR”?

1. Are the walls of your room bare or do you have things hanging up there? I have some things on the wall, yes. A few paintings, Audrey Hepburn wall decors, and a poster of Nam Joo Hyuk. I used to have wrestling posters but my mom, ever the control freak, removed them because she didn’t like them. Sigh.

2. When’s the last time you went outside to enjoy the fresh air? I went out this morning to take Cooper to the vet for his anti-rabies shot. I didn’t necessarily do it to enjoy the fresh air, but that came along with the experience as well anyway.

3. Do you watch the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? I started watching it this month actually! It’s super fun and Will Smith’s physical comedy is hilarious, but it isn’t really the type of show I’d binge-watch given how old the jokes and some of the tropes already are. I definitely don’t dislike it, but I just take longer to watch the episodes.

4. When’s the last time it felt like you were walking on air? Sunday, when I had my virtual grad and found out my parents and aunt and uncle got all my favorite food delivered to the house :) We had baked sushi, baked samgyeopsal, Pancit Malabon, and pichi-pichi that day, aaaaahhhhhh.

5. Have you ever been on air, on a radio station? Very briefly. One of our field trips in high school was a visit to a major broadcasting network, and we we were brought to their AM radio studio. The broadcaster on air at the time – one of my favorites of all time – welcomed us and gave us a chance to say hi on air.

6. Have you ever felt like all of the air was coming out of your lungs? Sure, but I guess it’s more accurate to say that I’ve occasionally felt the sensation of my chest increasingly tightening.

7. Has it seemed as though anything has ever disappeared into thin air? Have you ever pulled an idea out of thin air? The first one, yes. I have this stupid ability to drop a certain thing and have it disappear forever; I hate that it happens to me all the time lol. 

I can relate with the second situation as well; when I was still in school and had to write essays, reaction papers, anything of the sort, I’d wait till the last possible minute to start working on it since it’s by then that the good ideas start pouring in.

8. Have you ever wanted to be on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”? Sure. I’ve enjoyed trivia for as long as I can remember, so the show has always been right up my alley.

9. Do you know a billionaire in real life? No. I know a loooot of CEO kids, kids of MNC owners/executives, and kids of political dynasties though...comes with the environment I grew up in and the schools I went to.

10. Would you like to be an heir or heiress to a fortune? I wouldn’t say no to that.

11. Would you be able to successfully get away if you ever came across a bear? The one thing I keep hearing is to stay very still, so I’d be doing my best to do just that. I got no other survival skills though and if there’s apparently anything more that needs to be done during a bear encounter, then I don’t know of them.

12. Where’s your favorite place to go? How long does it take to get there? Hmm I’ve loved going to many places. My favorite vacation spots so far have been Sagada - that’s a 15, 16-hour road trip from Manila; Vigan - 8-hour road trip; and Palawan - an hour or so plane ride from Manila. If we’re taking nearby places, I like going to coffee shops to unwind and have a pastry or two. I don’t have a favorite one; I just go to whichever one’s the nearest to me at the moment.

13. How often do you err on the side of caution? I keep it at a healthy 50/50. There are times I’m okay with taking a big leap, but if I’m not super invested in something anyway and/or if there’s not a lot in it for me, I play it safe.

14. How often do people say they’re angry with you? My life revolves around being a (very cautious) people pleaser and making sure I don’t piss off people. The only people who have told me they’re angry with me are my mom and girlfriend.

15. Do you own any long underwear? I have never heard of these until today. I’d love to live somewhere so cold I need to wear clothes specifically meant to be worn underneath my actual outfit lol

16. How much Tupperware do you own? I’m Filipino, man. Filipino moms practically make it their life’s mission to collect as many Tupperware containers as they can. I’m pretty sure we have a bunch that we didn’t even own to begin with - just magically ended up in our cupboard after all the parties and gatherings we’ve had hahaha.

17. What color is your underwear right now? Green.

18. Do you still sleep with a teddy bear? I never slept with stuffed animals; I preferred pillows.

19. What pair of your shoes has the most wear and tear? In my first year of college the only shoes I owned was a pair of Keds. Used it for everything and it unsurprisingly ended up being super worn out - soles got detached from the shoe and all that. I think we still have it here at home – still destroyed – but it’s been untouched for a while.

20. Do you like to play Solitaire? It was a great boredom buster game for me for a time, especially when phone apps weren’t all that expansive yet. I haven’t played it in many months though.

21. Do you or your family own a full set of silverware? We do.

22. What do you have to take everywhere with you? Phone, wallet, car and house keys. Because of school I’ve also developed a habit of accidentally bringing my laptop nearly everywhere I go – I brought it to the vet once, lol

23. Would you like to visit Delaware? Yes. Delaware actually stands out in my memory because I remember reading in a kids’ almanac many years ago that it was the first to become a US state. Ever since then I’ve kinda bookmarked the place in my head.

24. Last time you received dental care? December. My tooth had been hurting for a couple of months but it became absolutely unbearable by that month so I had to book an emergency appointment days before Christmas. I felt super bad for the hassled dentist (who doubles as a family friend, which made it more embarrassing)... but at that point I was crying myself to sleep every night and would wake up at 3 AM crying in pain, and I would’ve done anything for the toothache to go away. 

25. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? Somewhere brutally cold.

26. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? I’ve never been able to relate to this question, lol soz.

27. Are you satisfied sitting here, taking this survey, or would you rather be elsewhere? I’m satisfied for now. I found more potential leads when it came to job-hunting and I’m not feeling too anxious anymore. I’ve been so focused on looking for corporate communications/PR jobs in the private sector that I forgot about the possibility of applying my skills in something I’m even more passionate about - museums! We have a few government agencies focused on museums, culture, and the arts and I definitely see myself performing in the jobs they offer. It’s even better because it’ll help me get my foot in the door in government positions, and as someone who’s indecisive about law it’ll be a great bridge to start with. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

28. Last time you sat in a barber’s chair? Early March.

29. Do you own any cans of compressed air? I’m not sure...had to look that up. Maybe we do? Idk. Dad will sometimes hoard random grownup stuff from the hardware store so I’m not ruling this one out.

30. Do you have a swivel chair at your desk? Nope.

31. Do you prefer an armchair or a rocking chair? Rocking chair.

32. Would you rather have a beanbag chair or a hanging swing chair in your room? Hanging swing chair sounds so hipster and awesome lol. I’ve had my time with a beanbag chair anyway.

33. What’s the last non-survey related questionnaire that you had to fill out? SSS form.

34. Are there any crimes that you feel make someone deserving of the electric chair? Not really a death penalty kinda gal, but if anyone had to sit in the electronic chair it’ll be people torturing and abusing animals for fun.

35. Do you know anyone who uses a wheelchair? Yes.

36. Do you know anyone who is on welfare? I probably do.

37. Do you play Modern Warfare? Nopes.

38.   Do you ever feel like life is unfair? It is, objectively. I’m a little pessimistic when it comes to this.

39.   Have you ever visited Times Square? No. I dunno if I wanna go there...it seems so crowded and claustrophobic, not to mention super tourist-y haha. I’d love to visit once just to see the bright lights and the giant ads, but I’d much rather be at museums and historical sites.

40.   Do you tell people to “take care” at the end of a conversation with them? Sometimes. I’ve been saying it a lot more often these days, for obvious reasons.

41.   Where is somewhere that you would like to move to? Canada. But I also feel like if I moved there immediately it would be such a culture shock in terms of the weather, culture, how far away I am from family, etc. and I doubt I would cope well. I suppose I can move to either Vietnam or Singapore first, as kind of like a baby step.

42.   What is something in your home that needs to be repaired? One of the stovetop burners stopped working last night and my dad’s determined to fix that.

43.   What kind of sleepwear do you own? I go to bed in just my normal home clothes; I don’t change to anything else.

44.   What skin care products do you use? Water. ;) I’m one of the lucky ones lol.

45.   Do you have any spyware on your computer? Nope.

46.   Do you own any sportswear? What sports? I have athletic shorts from when I played table tennis.

47.   Do you like Fred Astaire? Sure. I’ve only seen one movie of his (Funny Face) and he was a delight in that.

48.   How long does it take you to prepare a meal? I only ever make instant meals, oops.

49.   Do you know anyone named Pierre? Yes, Eva’s youngest sister is a Pierre. I’m just not sure if it’s also the same spelling.

50.   Are you going nowhere fast? I hope not. I’m giving myself a quick break for now after studying for 18 years straight but like I’m not out of ambition or anything like that at all.

51.   How often do you have a nightmare? Not very. They only show up when I’m going through a depression. My last nightmare was two or so years ago.

52.   How often are you able to catch something in mid-air? It’s unpredictable with me. Some days my reflexes are great but sometimes I’ll just be so clumsy.

53.   What do your lawn chairs look like? Brown and wooden.

54.   How many chairs are at your dining/kitchen table? Six; just right for our family of five.

55.   Favorite type of footwear? Sneakersssssss.

56.   When’s the last time one of your senses were impaired? From what? My left eye still gets irritated from time to time. We never really found out what’s wrong with it; my first checkup happened on the day before lockdown, so we never got to go back. When it starts to act up, I usually have no choice but to wait for it to go away.

57.   Have you ever been in a hot air balloon before? No. I’ve been to hot air balloon festivals though. That’s enough for me haha; I’m not desiring to be in one and be up in the sky.

58.   Do you have a good health care plan? My parents do for us kids.

59.   Last time you went to the hardware store? Months ago.

60.   Have you ever played foursquare before? No. I thought that was just a website. Oops.

61.   Do you own any types of eyewear? I’ve worn a pair of glasses since I was 11. I had needed them much earlier but my mom always thought I was being a sissy and just ‘wanted’ glasses to fit in with other kids. It was such a stupid mindset, and it was so stupid of her to not believe her kid WHO WAS STARTING TO NOT SEE. It was only when I took an eye exam at the school clinic and the school wrote her a letter that she finally believed me, but I had been suffering for a while and could barely read the chalkboard for like two years, which definitely affected my grades. 

62.   What brand of cookware do you have a lot of? Not sure about brands.

63.   Nothing can compare to: Having a complete, loving, and supportive family.

64.   Have you ever worked in a childcare center? I haven’t.

65.   Do you have a “beware of dog” sign on your gate? Nah. I usually say it myself. Kimi never got used to strangers.

66.   Have you ever attended daycare as a child? I guess you can say that? It wasn’t daycare per se but some malls used to have play areas/centers and my mom used to drop me off in those while she ran errands for a few hours. Those aren’t too common nowadays because I guess it’s more dangerous to leave your kids now, even with attendants, but they were a fun part of my childhood.

67.   Are you very aware of your surroundings? I’m honestly a little ditzy so no. I always need a more responsible, more street smart friend by my side especially when I’m going somewhere unfamiliar.

68. Have you ever had an au pair or a nanny before? We used to have househelp, but we never saw them as nannies. A vast majority of them never met my mom’s (extremely high) expectations and quit in a few weeks or months, sometimes even days; the few ones who did eventually wanted better lives for themselves and resigned after a few years, which we didn’t stop them from doing. At some point my mom gave up having help around and realized that ultimately, she’d rather clean up and do chores her way.

69. Do you know anyone who has had an affair? Yes.

70. How much are you willing to spend on airfare? I’ve never bought my own ticket so I don’t know how much they’re supposed to be on average...but I imagine I’m willing to pay a lot of money if it means going to the destinations of my dreams.

71. Who do you care about the most? The friends that I count as family.

72. Are you more likely to choose truth or dare? Truth. I’m too shy to do dares and I’ve never had a problem telling the truth anyway.

73. Have you ever seen the Blair Witch Project before? Yes, a few times.

74. Do you like the name Claire? Would you spell it with or without the I? I love it, it sounds elegant and graceful and it’s one of my favorite names. I prefer it with an I – I don’t know any Clares, actually.

75. Last time you went to a fair? Last week of January.

76. What can be done to make life more fair? Ending world hunger and poverty and making education accessible for all. 

77. How much are you willing to spend on cab fare? Not much. Cab fares should be fair after all.

78. Do you have a lot of flair? To some extent, I guess. I’m certainly not dragging myself down haha.

79. Do you own flare jeans? Nopes.

80. Is there a glare on your computer screen right now? There isn’t.

81. When’s the last time someone glared at you? Sometime in the last week would be a safe guess. My mom will sometimes communicate through glares and I’ve picked up the habit from her as well.

82. What type of hair do you have? (color, length, texture, etc) How often do you wash it? It’s black, quite thick, a bit on the wavy side, and has a tendency to get frizzy when it’s humid. Length-wise, it currently reaches just my collarbones. After a rebonding disaster around a decade ago my hair got a bit dry and it never really recovered from that, so I need to wash my hair with a giant blob of conditioner every time I take a shower otherwise it would get dry and hard.

83. Do you know the difference between a rabbit and a hare? I know hares are larger, but that’s about it.

84. Do you like to eat eclairs? LOVE them.

85. What do you consider to be your lair? My car has served as my safety bubble for so many depressing days in college. That’s why I got a little heartbroken when my dad told me he might have plans to sell it to my aunt (his sister).

86. A female horse is called a mare. What is a male horse called? A baby horse? Stallion; foal. Thank you, kid’s almanacs haha.

87. Have you ever used Nair before? Did it work? I used Veet in middle school when razors still scared me. It worked, but it took a whiiiiile and sometimes it wouldn’t even take all the hair off, so eventually I just started shaving. 

88. Has anyone ever told you to “grow a pair”? No, and no thanks.

89. What is something that you own a pair of? Dogs. 

90. What is a rare quality that you have? Other people will have to answer that. They’re the ones who see me and get to decide what’s rare about me.

91. Last food you pared? I don’t think I’ve done that.

92. Do you know someone who is a debonair? Sure.

93. Do you like to scare others for fun? No.

94. What is something that scares you? The idea of being in a plane crash, for one.

95. Do you like Sonny and Cher? Can’t say I’m a fan or that I’ve listened to anything of theirs.

96. Do you know how to share? Do you like to share? Sure. The only thing I’m a little selfish about is my food lol.

97. Have you ever played a snare drum before? A few times before, yes.

98. What do you do with your spare change? I give them to the tambays who help me get out of parking spots. That or I use it to buy food in school, since everything in UP’s cheap enough to pay with coins.

99. Do you know how to put on a spare tire? No. I’m interested to learn though.

100. Have you ever gotten a spare while bowling before? Yep, it’s happened a few times.

101. When’s the last time you wished someone would spare you the details? A week ago.

102. Do you win games fair and square? Sure. I’ve only cheated once and that was on an exam.

103. Do you know how to find the square root of something? Not anymore. I do have a bunch of perfect squares still memorized, though.

104. What are the characteristics of a square shape? Four equal sides that are also right angles.

105. Have you ever been called a square before? No. I don’t know what that means either, so if I got called that I wouldn’t know how to react.

106. Do you prefer the elevator or the stairs? Elevator.

107. Do you ever stare at other people? Only if it’s a bizarre situation. Once when this drunk guy got arrested in BGC and was being physical with the police, I stared and watched the whole thing. I do try to look away for most scenarios though.

108. How often do you swear? A few times a day.

109. Do you ever “swear on your life”? It’s not a saying that I commonly use, no.

110. What do you like to “tear up”? Eh, I don’t really like tearing up things.

111. What type of wares would you sell? Not interested in sales or business, so that’s a pass for me haha.

112. What kinds of clothing do you like to wear? I like wearing whatever’s trendy, as long as I genuinely like the look.

113. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare before? Never. [a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

Shitty things that happened when I last went inpatient

At the CSU, I was denied access to my fidget toys (I am autistic AND ADHD) even though I specifically picked out ones that couldn't possibly be harmful - a stuffed animal, a Tangle, a glitter tube, etc.

Every time I tried to inform the nurses at the nurse's station that I was feeling extremely anxious, IF I got their attention at all they would just tell me that "there's colouring pages and puzzles in the dayroom" like. No?? I actually wanted some kind of medication mayhaps a sedative because I was going fucking NUTS

I was denied my ADHD pill, Vyvanse, because and I quote directly, I wasn't "working or studying or anything." No. That's not how it works. I needed that pill in order to think in a coherent manner for more than 2 seconds.

Actually the denial of my Vyvanse might be why I was so goddamn anxious? YOU try not getting anxious when your thoughts are all over the place and just keep getting faster and faster.

The other patients kept playing horribly bloody, violent, and graphic movies. Like WHY do you even HAVE a DVD that has a scene where a pirate has to do abdominal surgery on himself with no anaesthetic?? That's just. That's just pure Trigger(TM) on a shiny DVD.

There was this ONE FUCKING PATIENT. Cheri. I will hate Cheri until the day I die. She managed to always get ahead of me in her wheelchair and she would sit and simper with her watery eyes and her wobbling lip and her wringing hands and this horrible look in her eyes... The nurses always paid more attention to Cheri than me even though I was fucking articulating that HEY I NEED HELP FOR (X) THING and Cheri refused to speak.

Sweater Guy turned my room's light off in the middle of the night. I was insomniac and reading. And also the only patient in my room. Sure it's not a crime or anything but it's really fucking annoying. I wasn't bothering anyone, why not just let me read my book in peace?

For a while the only time I saw the therapist was as she was speedwalking down the hallway to leave for the day every evening. She wouldn't even make eye contact with me.

It wasn't until I finally snapped and told them that I had figured out at least 3 ways to attempt aliven't on that ward that they finally realised that yes, I DID NEED SOME ACTUAL FUCKING HELP.

The CSU led me to believe that the next place I was going to was going to be a long term facility. I took that to mean at least a month if not more. I was ready to finally get some serious help that I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET SINCE THE END OF 2016.

The CSU had a max stay of about 3 days, btw.

Well I got to Peninsula and it turns out that "long term facility" means 5 to 7 day stay. So... Not what I was led to believe.

I was strip searched, I believe is the term. Yes, I was forced to strip pretty much naked to confirm that I wasn't bringing any contraband on my person (despite me checking in voluntarily).

Like I've related before, I was "relieved of" my comfort items - my hardcover journal, some books, and my drawings. The journal and drawings in particular had content I wanted to share with the therapist(s) at Pinensula and I never got to.

When I got anxious about not having my journal/comfort item back, the staff were very apathetic to my literal BEGGING and just basically told me to suck it up and deal with it.

For some reason hardcover books were contraband?? Like what was I gon do, give someone a whack on the head? Anyway they offered me a composition book BUT IT WASN'T MYYYY JOURNAL and as any autistic knows one cannot simply replace a comfort item with a lower quality replacement.

When I, AUK, got too anxious and overwhelmed to deal anymore - Lizzie took over and threw a massive fit. We don't think we got chemically sedated, but we did get hoodwinked into going to a more "secure" ward and then when Lizzie was still pissed off, they manhandled us into a "blank room."

In the new ward, I was relieved of my clothes, my slippers, and pretty much what was left of my dignity. I was made to wear paper scrubs instead of proper clothes.

If I wanted to use the toilet or shower, a nurse would sit at the door with it propped open watching every move I made. No privacy. I eventually only used the bathroom once every morning and only showered once while I was at that ward.

The medication lady (unsure of her status - nurse? Doctor? Idk) refused to keep weaning me off my Lexapro and instead yanked me off it entirely. I'd been on Lexapro for a good while and uh. Ever hear of SSRI withdrawal? It is HORRIBLE. I still think she was totally unprofessional about that and should have fucking known better.

I am overly sensitive to sound and nobody would turn the fucking radio off. (All it played was Christmas music, too. *shudder*)

When I asked for more food, I never got it. I was so freaking hungry by the time I was released.

I'm pretty sure that the coffee was decaf because I got out into the world again and suddenly couldn't handle even half-caf. That means that the nurses were openly lying about the caffeine content - they repeatedly said it was full caffeine coffee.

There were supposed to be groups on that unit but like ...none ever happened? It was like the staff were so busy doing stuff that I couldn't see, that they didn't have time to do their jobs with the patients.

Did I mention that the manhandling left bruises? On my upper arms and also my right buttock from where the men forced me to sit down with all 200 lbs of me onto a concrete floor. Ouchies.

On my discharge notes, somebody wrote a note telling me to stop taking my birth control (which I take to regulate horribly heavy and long periods, not because I am sexually active). The discontinuation of the birth control was never verbalised to me. Never. Not once. There wasn't even an explanation in the note either.

Pinensula put me on what they said was an anti anxiety script but I looked it up and it's actually an antipsychotic. So if you go tell someone that you're anxious, you're psychotic? Like. What? (I understand medications can be used for more than one purpose. But I've been consistently prescribed meds that don't match with my self reported symptoms, and even meds that aren't MEANT to be used for the purpose they were prescribed to me for.)

I got so overstimulated while on the unit that I begged for earplugs. They didn't help at all, even when I combined them with a pillow over my head too. And then they went and turned the radio LOUDER.

(Although not relevant to me, there was this one patient who went ballistic over a hair being on her unpeeled orange ... She had been fiddling with her hair right before eating and she was the only one with that hair texture and colour on the unit... Yeah she threw a fit because she got one of her hairs on her unpeeled orange. Sigh.)

Did I mention that both the CSU and Peninsula are mostly for detoxing people? They just throw detoxing addicts and people who are having purely mental health problems in together. It is a bad system, because people like me who just need mental health support are often triggered by the detoxing addicts, and we get ignored by staff because the detoxing addicts are a higher priority I guess? They're certainly more dramatic.

My mum later told me that she was told that I was likely to be released early because I was "cooperative." Of fucking course I'm cooperative you absolute nitwits, I checked in voluntarily because I've been suicidal for like 16 years and I want some fuckin HELP

My mum tried to bring me a small stuffed dragon as a birthday present (yes, I was inpatient on my birthday). The stuffed toy was not allowed through because it was contraband. FUCKING HOW IS A LITTLE PLUSH DRAGON CONTRABAND? Mum articulated her distress as somethinf like "I just wanted to bring my autistic spawn something stimmy on their birthday" like fucking hell man, don't ever go inpatient if you are neurodivergent because they sure as hell won't allow you to have any coping mechanisms that aren't staying quiet, staring at nothing, and using dried up markers on a badly designed colouring page.

Anyway sorry this got so long. There's probably even more stuff that I forgot about.

Storal of the mory is don't go inpatient in Southeastern Tennessee, kids. You might be fucked up now but they will definitely fuck you up worse.

If you’re feeling disconnected, if you are having a hard time engaging in the world and it feels like no one sees you, if you are having a hard time finding joy or finding the will to strive towards goals you have wanted, here’s a little refocusing pep talk.

First of all, it is no great mystery right now why you are having a hard time connecting. I don’t know who you are and I don’t know your life, but I know if you have a soul and are aware of what’s going on in the world as a compassionate person, you are probably stressed, worried and afraid, even if you are leading a sheltered and/or privileged existence.

And if you aren’t leading a sheltered existence, if you’re struggling with pain, illness, financial stress, housing stress or discrimination, the past year has made all those things a lot worse.

It is this way for pretty much every compassionate soul I know.

There are things you love to do, things you are very good at, things that usually provide you joy, and if you were NOT under a huge amount of stress, they’d probably still be working right now.

Because I’m a giant nerd, I’m going to put this in computer terms.

When your system is new, and hasn’t gotten bogged down, you may have plenty of emotional resources on top of what you need to get out of bed in the morning. That 8 gigs of RAM is great when you haven’t loaded all your worries.bin and intrusivethoughts.dll and Politics.exe.

When shit gets real, your entire processor, RAM and disk drive get completely sidetracked by dealing with the cognitive and emotional demands of dealingwithcrap.html.

EVERYTHING slows down. Nonessential processes get ignored. Essential processes don’t work very well.

I’m not going to tell you there’s a magic solution, but I can tell you where the problem ISN’T and give you some strategies for freeing up resources in the short term.

The problem is not you. This shit is genuinely, objectively hard. Literally everyone is struggling with it. Rich celebrities are struggling with it, and they can literally buy all the stress relief that money can buy… but they can’t just fix the problem.

Just because it’s hard for everyone doesn’t mean that your struggle is small or irrelevant. Survivor’s guilt or “Privilege guilt” from not having to struggle with EVERY issue will not help the people who are dealing with worse, and it will not help you. It is understandable to have thoughts about “But other people have it worse!” But please do not use that as a reason not to give yourself a break for struggling with what is, objectively, hard, even if it isn’t objectively the “hardest”. (Literally everyone thinks there’s someone worse off than them. And they’re right. It doesn’t MATTER in the triage of “Do you get to feel bad.” Yes. You can feel bad.

“Other people are coping better! If someone who is disabled can cope so well, why can’t I?” First of all, that idea can fuck off. I can tell you that for me, a disabled person, one of the reasons I can do some of the things I do is that my inability to do all the things that people normally do means that that stuff has been picked up by a support system I am lucky to have, If you see someone on a prosthetic leg running marathons, it’s because they had the support system to get that prosthetic leg, the physical training to learn how to use it, medical care, etc… they did not just magically wake up in the morning as an amputee with no resources and run a marathon. I’m not out running marathons because my disability precludes that kind of exercise and it’s not a reasonable goal for me to have.

There are a fair number of accomplishments which can bend to sheer force of will, but even force of will (read: sustained focused effort) is a RESOURCE that not everyone is good at, and some people who sometimes have a strong force of will, do not ALWAYS have a strong force of will in every situation.

So, how to free up resources?

Forgive yourself up front. It’s hard enough dealing with all the shit without having to deal with your own self-flagellation. It’s a hard habit to get out of. Use self talk. “This is legitimately hard. Anyone would have a hard time with this. I’m not a bad person for having difficulty with a difficult thing.”

Break things into manageable chunks.

If your phone has a calendar function, put everything into it. Operate under the assumption that you’re having a hard time and let yourself lean on the tools available to keep track, even when your brain is not registering everything. You do not need to store your entire calendar in your brain. Set up reminders.

Look for ways to streamline. I fill a pill-minder with my meds every two weeks, and the ones that don’t go in the pill-minder are literally the first thing I see when I sit up in bed in the morning. This saves a lot. If you have an elaborate hair and makeup routine, if it is too much, look for ways to simplify. When purchasing clothes, look for ways to minimize your decision-making. Don’t waste cognitive function on trivial shit that can be managed structurally.

Block out specific time to check on current events and pay attention to the national shitshow… and ONLY that time. Don’t wallow for 8 hours at a stretch on the national news, it is NOT good for your mental health. It is possible to take in the full horror in under an hour per day. You can’t fix it all, but you can pick which issues you devote time to and what kind of time you spend.  Aggregators like WTF and even Late Night hosts can help streamline the process of checking in with less stress than watching national news.

Allow yourself down time. It’s hard to be social when everyone is so stressed.

If you need connection, sometimes structured activities, volunteering, church if you go (there are very progressive churches available) are easier than casual social events.

Reach out online. You are not alone.

Now, there are going to be times when you really just have to get shit done. When you need your brain to shut the fuck up for a bit and let you DO.

Here are the SHORT TERM tricks to get your brain in gear.

Compartmentalize. Need to go have a job interview? Need to take a test? Time for some visualization. Picture all the shit that is weighing you down, every intrusive thought, as things that you can pack into an envelope or a picnic basket or hell, a U-haul if they’re big enough. Put ‘em all in. Every one of them. Close up the basket and set it down inside your front door. When you walk out that door, all that stuff stays at home. It will be there when you get back, we’re not throwing it out. Just don’t take it with you to school, to your job interview. DO pick it back up when you get home. We’re not burying it, we’re just giving it a time and place.

Some of the intrusive worries may be livelier than others. If they try to follow you out the door, or show up when you don’t want them, give them the name and voice of someone you don’t like or trust and would dismiss out of hand. “You’re terrible at this.” “Shut up, Kellyanne, no one trusts you.” “Just hit the snoozebutton, it doesn’t matter.” “Fuck off Chad, I’m getting up.” It just needs to be someone you would roll your eyes at. (h/t to the Check please fandom for this one, IDK who posted it first, but it stuck with me as one of the most useful things I’ve ever learned online.)

Be nice to your future self by taking care of literally everything you possibly can the night before. Pick out clothes. Decide what you will eat. Have a checklist if you need to. Find everything that needs finding while you’re awake. I know this sounds overly organized but it’s something I’ve had to do because if I didn’t, mornings were hell and involved me driving people places when I wanted to be asleep because we missed a bus. It is ten times easier to find clothes when you’re not supposed to be out the door in ten minutes. This is all done cognitively. Some people do these things instinctively? I guess? I don’t. I have to think about every single step every time. But it’s worth it to not have a panic attack when I’m trying to get someplace important and am ending up late. When I was still responsible for getting my kids to school, I could get my middle child from sound asleep to the bus in about 7 minutes because everything was completely set up ahead of time.

Anyway. I hope some of this helps. If nothing else, remembering that this is a reasonable response to unreasonably stimulus has helped me immeasurably.

Hey today was one fuck of a day!!!

Idk if I should bitch about it first or talk about yesterday, cuz yesterday was pretty good. But damn. Today just fucking sucks. I think I will do that first cuz ending with happy thoughts sounds like a better idea. And I gotta get this off my chest.

So we went to biolife yesterday and couldn't donate, so we both loaded up on iron and tried again today. Nothing. Both of us got turned away for one point below safe iron levels. Idk how?? I usually have good luck with donating, only if I haven't eaten enough I get turned away, but I had plenty of food in the prior 24 hours, ate a bowl of toasty-o's (80% daily iron value???) Which usually does the trick but nah. A wasted trip up to point, planned on coming home with $50 in gas money but NOPE. Now I'm down to 13 (?) on my biolife card and $75 to my name otherwise. That's it. That's all I got. So much for getting my shit sorted out in 2k18 cuz I am waaaaaaaaaaay behind on that plan. I have money coming from uncle Tim and Kathy, plus 2 art commissions I need to kick my ass into gear for, so I'll be ok but FUCK man. It's fucking July in a week and I'm STILL fucking scraping by

And I am PISSED at Sharon but I don't know how to tell her cuz I've been trained out of being confrontational my entire life and I don't wanna lose my damn job cuz she's been an absolute bitch lately. But I'm STILL getting half fucking paychecks cuz I guess I'm still paying off the forwarded money from this winter, I wasn't aware this would be going halfway the fuck into summer, I've drained my savings paying bills and fixing my fucking car I have next to nothing left. I can't buy food. I can't buy alcohol to cope, I can't do literally anything cuz I'm motherfucking broke. I was supposed to have money saved up to take the cats to the vet, get my motorcycle liscence and start looking for a bike, save money for a road trip this fall, but fuck ALL of that cuz I'm cruzing through the year by skin of my teeth.

And the big kicker, the motherfucking cherry on top, I haven't been getting my full 40 each week. Sharon has some kind of crisis going on that she's watching her money, so I missed 5 hours last week cuz she didn't have anything for me to do??? Bull fucking SHIT there is SO MUCH that needs to be done around that fucking place but she sent me home. ON TOP OF cutting my summer hours from 10/day to 9.5 to 9.75. Which isn't a huge change but really???? Just. WHY.

And I also mentioned she's been damn near unbearable all year so far, everything I thought she wanted from me is flipped now. I started clocking in right from the start 5 mins early. Cuz she specifically sat me down and told me last year she hated me being there on the dot, that I could punch in 5 mins early. Well now I guess I clock out early too, "just in case you go over time". Which is easy enough to fucking fix, just clock out sooner next day BUT WHATEVER. IDFK SHARON.

And I didn't say anything when she first told me this shit cuz I can't process information that fast and what it means on my end so I just agree on the spot and fuck myself over.

SO. I went into work today an hour later by her request, after a whole morning of low key panicking about money and doing the nasty ass dishes. She left almost immediately after showing me what to clean up by the big garage, and after I washed the rtv I fucked off and sat in the office with Holly for an hour. Cuz I needed someone to talk to, just bs with and not anything important. And it was pretty good. I had developed a migraine on the way home from point and chilling out in the office helped it. I spent the next 7 hours weed whacking the shit outta the mess around the big garage, pulling water line tubing from the matted grass, and organizing the trash into a burn pile and pick up pile. It sped time along really fast actually, and I was actually pretty ok for most of the day, aside from itchy, sweaty and frustrated. I cleaned the bathrooms at 10 and sat around wasting time for a bit to push my time to midnight to make the most out of my night, and on the walk back to put my shit away 2 things happened.

1st Sharon texted me at 11:40 asking if I was still cleaning bathrooms. Fucking yes, I have til midnight and I came in late, I'm not going over time in anyway ffs.

2nd one of Rome's buddies caught me on my way past and asked me over for a shot of his long island iced tea, which ofc I accepted. It was good, I haven't had hard liquor in so long it was actually really good. He asked what I was up to and told me about how Sharon busted them last night at 1am having fun in the camper. Cuz it was past "quiet time". On a Friday night, really Sharon? God, no fun allowed. He offered me a ride back to put my cleaning shit away, and I mentioned that I had to clock out and head home. Immediately after getting in my car I thought wtf, I should've made better conversation?? Like, at least act like I would hang around if they invited me, cuz I totally would, I've been so socially deprived lately it's not even funny. But I didnt??? I just was like....ya...I'm headed home. And he didn't push, but like. Idk. It all boils down to I have a paranoia about my image at the campground. As stupid as that sounds. But I'm literally always doing manual labor, usually focused on a job or have headphones as earplugs in so I can't talk (not that Sharon would let me anyway) and I leave right after I clock out cuz no one invites me over cuz I don't talk to anyone. Like I feel like my presence there isn't impacting literally anyone, I'm just the Employee That Does Work and that's it. And this paranoia was cemented recently when I finally followed the Facebook page, saw how often she updates and all the pics and videos she uses have like, Bill and Holly and other campers in them, she was showing off the jump pad and stuff and like...that wouldn't be there without me. I spent days digging the fucking trench for the electric line by hand, AFTER clearing the field and leveling the plot. AND I helped roll it out and set it up. Like idk I feel like I do all the hard work but don't get to join in any of the fun? And it just feels really shitty when none of your work is acknowledged. And going back to my intial(?) point, I'm so socially deprived and downright //lonely//. And I feel bad saying it cuz Hope and I live together, we're literally always sharing space together but I feel like I have no one else. Kenzie's barely existing being dragged down by work and money stress, I try to stay in close touch but it's hard. And out of this circle? Nothing. Kenzie has Dan and her coworkers to talk to, Hope is constantly on discord talking to the chat there, she tells me all about that. And I have...no one else. I message my sisters frequently but they're both insanely busy. I'm seeing Nikki and Cassy on Wednesday to help them move, but despite Nikki and I really hitting it off we don't actually talk regularly and that kinda makes me sad. But I'm conflicted there too, I'll rant in another post about that.

And idk. I'm just so. Genuinely. Lonely. I have no one to go see (not that I'd have the fucking time lmao) no one to talk to, starting new aquaintenceships is exhausting as all hell, and when I'm not around Hope I'm alone with my own thoughts. I've always been a loner, I'm comfortable in my own company and I can have fun by myself...but it's really taking a toll on me. Especially since Hope and kenzie seem like they can't keep up with me. I'm ready to do almost anything, anytime, but Hope needs several days' warning to do anything big and kenzies always tired. We managed a friend day out a couple weeks ago, we went out to Rabbit rock and I could've explored and climbed for another 2 hours, but their legs hurt and it was hot out, and they headed back to the car while I was still on the rock. There was plenty of daylight left and I would've loved to visit the woods or go hang at the lake, but we ended up heading back home and chilling at the apartment. Which was fine. I wasn't mad or anything, I just wanted more outside time. I miss the excitement, the sense of adventure. Kenzie and I made it out to the woods once this spring, and we didn't even wander. We just drove out to scope out the trails and left. And it's getting so hard to hang out in general, our work schedules never align and we're all broke af. I'm so exausted. I'm sick and tired of working our asses off but not getting ahead. We're all fucking behind yet despite all our efforts, it's just not good enough.

I came home tonight with all these thoughts knocking around in my head and doing all I could to hold back tears. Immediately grabbed my 2 beers from the fridge and got in the shower, tried to relax myself and drown out some of the panic, but it's not feeling like it's working. I'm just mildly dizzy Andy headaches coming back from crying. Idk what to do anymore. I have plans for once in my life but even the simplest goals are continuously just out of reach. I tell myself to just keep rolling with it, try to build momentum and you'll get there eventually. But I'm so far from making any headway. I'm keeping my head up but it's getting so, so hard....

Week 6

- This last week in Hanoi was a blur... on Sunday night (after we came back from Ha Long Bay), it’s after dinner and our host family tells us that we’re doing gifts at 9:30, which got me all sentimental a full week before we were actually leaving.. The gifts were customized pillows with our freaking pictures on them - mine said “so cute Celine”, and Heather and I were in shock for a good 5 minutes before we commenced a photo shoot in their room.. I’d never forget this family and this homestay experience anyway but this pillow guarantees that.. complicated my luggage situation a bit, but probably one of the most thoughtful gift i’ve ever received, and i’m gonna get all nostalgic every time I see this back home - Had a bunch of assignments due (every one of which I decided to start past 1am on the day of deadline).. One of these was an ethnographic paper where we basically were supposed to walk around the city and make sense of the space by documenting little details and assigning meaning.. I fell in love with the city all over again doing this, it’s kind of beautiful how people become their own authors of public space and start owning it as they see fit - i ended up near a lake and people were sitting on step stools (that they use at restaurants as well) drinking beer and had their own makeshift restaurants on the grass area and i feel like you don’t ever see this in urban American cities but i love it so much.. interesting how “unregulated” this business-scape is, in a sense because Vietnam is technically still under a "communist” gov - Also had a group case study presentation which we logged some coffee shop hours putting together.. (cong caphe has this coconut blended iced coffee which we were all obsessed with.. and a really nice bookcase aesthetic.. so literally all of us were in there working on case study on Thursday afternoon) Our case study topic is “psychosocial and emotional well-being” which everyone has been calling mental health because that’s essentially what it is.. so we started out with questions about whether people feel depressed/anxious and why and how they deal with it, but quickly realized that depression and anxiety aren’t concepts in vietnam, and tried to replace it with words like sadness/stress (which also didn’t really work because it just isn’t “normal” to think about these things). I was familiar with this frame because it’s where i come from - which was the beginning of a set of epiphanies about my background and cultural roots.. our western notion of “mental health” is quite medicalized, but i don’t think this means that the non-western views should be seen as “backwards”, as much as i’ve experienced it negatively in the past. It took some processing, but we found that people, students specifically, view stress as normal (which it is) rather not pathological, and therapy/counseling isn’t considered until it’s a serious mental disorder where the person clearly cannot function and go about everyday life - which is also subjective, i realize. Our in-country faculty were actually working on a research project trying to test the effectiveness of a workbook in helping people deal and cope with their depression, moving toward the set of beliefs about mental health that we’re familiar with at spaces like my school and many other American areas (not so much my hometown, i don’t think).. For our case study project’s sake, we pretty much abandoned the focus on mental illness which really wasn’t transferrable, and started thinking about mental well-being - how do people find meaning and happiness in their life? - a more universal concept than “depression”.. the people we interviewed were very diverse, and we interviewed them for different reasons - students at Hanoi Medical University (to learn about their thoughts/knowledge about psychiatry? which wasn’t very productive lol), a bunch of people in the Thai and H’mong villages (to learn about their lives!! see last post), the director of a psychiatric hospital (to learn about what care for mental illnesses looks like and how people in general approach it)… so our preliminary “conclusions” were very broad, but i think the most valuable takeaway was that we really need to step outside our own frames and put on a new set of goggles to understand people from their own frames of reality on what everything in their life means (or doesn’t mean) to them - Another one of our pretty obvious conclusions was that stability (in terms of external conditions) is necessary for positive mental health - like stable family life, stable job, stable home, etc… which is so unfair how many people don’t have this. But I also thought about lots of cases of depression i’ve encountered that could be attributed to over-stability? stagnancy? idk what the right word is but i’m thinking of people who have a “stable” life but want more in life and feel stuck and become depressed because they need change? i realize it requires a lot more privilege to fall into this state, but I also don’t think it should be downplayed due to its context. probably not something we’ll dig into in our case studies (well who knows) but this is of personal interest, as well as the biology behind it - On Saturday I had planned to go on a day trip (to Ninh Binh) for boats and caves and sightseeing, but I decided against it and stayed in Hanoi because I wanted a final day to be in the city and finish crossing things off my list. So I went to this cafe in Old Quarter called Note Coffee where sticky notes covered every wall, every table, every square inch of ceiling.. i wish i could’ve stayed here for a full day and read as many notes as possible.. loved reading cliche quotes and love letters and random weird bits from people all over the WORLD like what a concept... I sat here and felt like I was in 20 places of the world at once.. it was like an organically created museum of traveling humans :’) - I’d planned to spend the day exploring Hanoi alone but that morning, Gwen - our lovely program volunteer / case study translator messages me asking if I’m free and asks to hang out!! So we met up and she took me around on her motorbike to her favorite food spots so I could try things i haven’t tried yet (had the most amazing fruit desserts), and we went to the Temple of Literature. We had such good conversations that I’ll probably never forget -- we talked about literally everything, and it was actually incredible how much we had in common. She’s perfectly fluent in English, which she mostly learned through watching American movies / reading books, and because of this she understands and actually identifies with American culture a lot? which I thought was really interesting. Didn’t know this before, but she’s also fluent in French, (even more so than English), she started working for a (pretty big) travel agency this year, but before than she was a language teacher while she was going to school. She wants to get her Master’s next year either in France, Canada, or Switzerland - this gives me hope that maybe we’ll meet again soon, but until then I promised myself that we’ll keep in touch and be pen pals :’) - Saying goodbye to Hanoi was so hard, I didn’t realize how attached I got to the environment and to the people. When I was asked which country I was most excited for, I said either South Africa or Argentina because I honestly knew nothing about Vietnam and didn’t know what to expect/be excited for. But these were some of the most beautiful, epiphany-filled four weeks of my life, and frankly I don’t think SA or Argentina could beat it. People on the program have asked me why I loved Hanoi so much, and I haven’t been able to give a straightforward answer, because as much as I fell in love with the food and the motorbike rides on the crazy streets and the alleys lined with cheap clothing and gift stores, it’s the intangible things - what I learned about myself and where I come from, and what I learned about people and the world - that give this experience so much beauty, and I am grateful beyond words for the moments I felt on top of the world, for the lessons I’m taking away. Hope we’ll meet again one day :)

Tricks for dealing with feeling disconnected

New Post has been published on http://jenrose.com/tricks-for-dealing-with-feeling-disconnected/

Tricks for dealing with feeling disconnected

If you’re feeling disconnected, if you are having a hard time engaging in the world and it feels like no one sees you, if you are having a hard time finding joy or finding the will to strive towards goals you have wanted, here’s a little refocusing pep talk.

First of all, it is no great mystery right now why you are having a hard time connecting. I don’t know who you are and I don’t know your life, but I know if you have a soul and are aware of what’s going on in the world as a compassionate person, you are probably stressed, worried and afraid, even if you are leading a sheltered and/or privileged existence.

And if you aren’t leading a sheltered existence, if you’re struggling with pain, illness, financial stress, housing stress or discrimination, the past year has made all those things a lot worse.

It is this way for pretty much every compassionate soul I know.

There are things you love to do, things you are very good at, things that usually provide you joy, and if you were NOT under a huge amount of stress, they’d probably still be working right now.

Because I’m a giant nerd, I’m going to put this in computer terms.

When your system is new, and hasn’t gotten bogged down, you may have plenty of emotional resources on top of what you need to get out of bed in the morning. That 8 gigs of RAM is great when you haven’t loaded all your worries.bin and intrusivethoughts.dll and Politics.exe.

When shit gets real, your entire processor, RAM and disk drive get completely sidetracked by dealing with the cognitive and emotional demands of dealingwithcrap.html.

EVERYTHING slows down. Nonessential processes get ignored. Essential processes don’t work very well.

I’m not going to tell you there’s a magic solution, but I can tell you where the problem ISN’T and give you some strategies for freeing up resources in the short term.

The problem is not you. This shit is genuinely, objectively hard. Literally everyone is struggling with it. Rich celebrities are struggling with it, and they can literally buy all the stress relief that money can buy… but they can’t just fix the problem.

Just because it’s hard for everyone doesn’t mean that your struggle is small or irrelevant. Survivor’s guilt or “Privilege guilt” from not having to struggle with EVERY issue will not help the people who are dealing with worse, and it will not help you. It is understandable to have thoughts about “But other people have it worse!” But please do not use that as a reason not to give yourself a break for struggling with what is, objectively, hard, even if it isn’t objectively the “hardest”. (Literally everyone thinks there’s someone worse off than them. And they’re right. It doesn’t MATTER in the triage of “Do you get to feel bad.” Yes. You can feel bad.

“Other people are coping better! If someone who is disabled can cope so well, why can’t I?” First of all, that idea can fuck off. I can tell you that for me, a disabled person, one of the reasons I can do some of the things I do is that my inability to do all the things that people normally do means that that stuff has been picked up by a support system I am lucky to have, If you see someone on a prosthetic leg running marathons, it’s because they had the support system to get that prosthetic leg, the physical training to learn how to use it, medical care, etc… they did not just magically wake up in the morning as an amputee with no resources and run a marathon. I’m not out running marathons because my disability precludes that kind of exercise and it’s not a reasonable goal for me to have.

There are a fair number of accomplishments which can bend to sheer force of will, but even force of will (read: sustained focused effort) is a RESOURCE that not everyone is good at, and some people who sometimes have a strong force of will, do not ALWAYS have a strong force of will in every situation.

So, how to free up resources?

Forgive yourself up front. It’s hard enough dealing with all the shit without having to deal with your own self-flagellation. It’s a hard habit to get out of. Use self talk. “This is legitimately hard. Anyone would have a hard time with this. I’m not a bad person for having difficulty with a difficult thing.”

Break things into manageable chunks.

If your phone has a calendar function, put everything into it. Operate under the assumption that you’re having a hard time and let yourself lean on the tools available to keep track, even when your brain is not registering everything. You do not need to store your entire calendar in your brain. Set up reminders.

Look for ways to streamline. I fill a pill-minder with my meds every two weeks, and the ones that don’t go in the pill-minder are literally the first thing I see when I sit up in bed in the morning. This saves a lot. If you have an elaborate hair and makeup routine, if it is too much, look for ways to simplify. When purchasing clothes, look for ways to minimize your decision-making. Don’t waste cognitive function on trivial shit that can be managed structurally.

Block out specific time to check on current events and pay attention to the national shitshow… and ONLY that time. Don’t wallow for 8 hours at a stretch on the national news, it is NOT good for your mental health. It is possible to take in the full horror in under an hour per day. You can’t fix it all, but you can pick which issues you devote time to and what kind of time you spend.  Aggregators like WTF and even Late Night hosts can help streamline the process of checking in with less stress than watching national news.

Allow yourself down time. It’s hard to be social when everyone is so stressed.

If you need connection, sometimes structured activities, volunteering, church if you go (there are very progressive churches available) are easier than casual social events.

Reach out online. You are not alone.

Now, there are going to be times when you really just have to get shit done. When you need your brain to shut the fuck up for a bit and let you DO.

Here are the SHORT TERM tricks to get your brain in gear.

Compartmentalize. Need to go have a job interview? Need to take a test? Time for some visualization. Picture all the shit that is weighing you down, every intrusive thought, as things that you can pack into an envelope or a picnic basket or hell, a U-haul if they’re big enough. Put ‘em all in. Every one of them. Close up the basket and set it down inside your front door. When you walk out that door, all that stuff stays at home. It will be there when you get back, we’re not throwing it out. Just don’t take it with you to school, to your job interview. DO pick it back up when you get home. We’re not burying it, we’re just giving it a time and place.

Some of the intrusive worries may be livelier than others. If they try to follow you out the door, or show up when you don’t want them, give them the name and voice of someone you don’t like or trust and would dismiss out of hand. “You’re terrible at this.” “Shut up, Kellyanne, no one trusts you.” “Just hit the snoozebutton, it doesn’t matter.” “Fuck off Chad, I’m getting up.” It just needs to be someone you would roll your eyes at. (h/t to the Check please fandom for this one, IDK who posted it first, but it stuck with me as one of the most useful things I’ve ever learned online.)

Be nice to your future self by taking care of literally everything you possibly can the night before. Pick out clothes. Decide what you will eat. Have a checklist if you need to. Find everything that needs finding while you’re awake. I know this sounds overly organized but it’s something I’ve had to do because if I didn’t, mornings were hell and involved me driving people places when I wanted to be asleep because we missed a bus. It is ten times easier to find clothes when you’re not supposed to be out the door in ten minutes. This is all done cognitively. Some people do these things instinctively? I guess? I don’t. I have to think about every single step every time. But it’s worth it to not have a panic attack when I’m trying to get someplace important and am ending up late. When I was still responsible for getting my kids to school, I could get my middle child from sound asleep to the bus in about 7 minutes because everything was completely set up ahead of time.

Anyway. I hope some of this helps. If nothing else, remembering that this is a reasonable response to unreasonably stimulus has helped me immeasurably.