gee i wonder if the issue could be at all related to the fact that the current treatment plan for his chronic pain consists solely of FUCKING IBUPROFEN

Hello! I have a OC with dwarfism and I‘ve been thinking about ways to make this a bigger part of their character/story and wondering if you maybe have some ideas?

For context: they are about 1.10 meters big and have a BFF that‘s about 2.5 meters (this is a setting where characters this tall aren‘t super uncommon). They also are from a culture where having a ton of cyborg-parts is very common, so they have too. They are very comfortable with their size, even finding it practical for their job a archeologist/explorer as they can fit into smaller spaces, and other characters treat them with a lot of respect due to their knowledge and high rank. They also travel the galaxy in search of ancient technology and are quite old.

I hope you all have a wonderfull day!

Hello lovely asker!

I really like this it's sounds so fun! One thing I'm curious about is in this setting you said someone whose 8'3 isn't uncommon so I wonder if that extends to your other OC too? If so, how does the world change around them? What I mean is in a world where something is deemed "Normal" then the world would be built around them and accustomed to them for easy use.

Other than that, I think one of the first steps is deciding what type of dwarfism your OC has, that is if you haven't already decided. There are hundreds and hundreds of different types of dwarfism, all that come with their own unique characteristics.

You already have a height set for the character so I would do research around that and see what type of dwarfism would fit and you want your character to have. It doesn't have to be stated what type they have, especially if this is in a sorta sci-fi setting, but you knowing what type will give you a better idea of their body build and more characteristics to include in this character. For instance, starting with do you want them to have a Proportionate or Disproportionate type of dwarfism might be a good starting point of research too.

Depending on what type of dwarfism you choose, like I said, there's going to be other characteristics and what I mean by that is there is often health complications that come along with almost every type of dwarfism I can think of. Bone structures change, hormone deficiencies and such, breathing/respiratory issues, chronic pain, research will very much be your friend here.

Mobility aids along with other aids are also something to consider. Someone with OI (Osteogenesis Imperfecta) might use crutches, walkers, wheelchairs/power wheelchairs, all depending on what type of OI they have. Crutches, forearm crutches, wheelchair, power wheelchair, walker, canes, rollators, you name it. Magic aids are also an option if it applies for the universe this is set in, or even making up your own aids. I think the only thing to watch out with these is making sure the created aids/magic aids don't erase their disabilities. (You also mentioned that this character is older too so mobility aids would be an option their too.)

I also want to say this should all extend to the other character who is very tall as well. Do they have Gigantism? Marfans syndrome? Sotos syndrome? Again, it doesn't need to be stated what condition these characters have (in our terms) but doing research so you know the characteristics helps builds the characters better.

Also interactions depending how comfortable they are around each other should be fluid. By this is mean the taller probably wouldn't pick up the shorter one (especially if one or both of them are using a mobility aid). If there are things out of view/out of reach but rather bring it down to their height, and vice versa also. If it's a situation where they can't bring things to each others height, they might assist each other in other ways. The taller finding a path or stacking stable items that shorter can navigate/climb up on to see what the other is seeing, the shorter oc clearing a path so that the taller can lean down comfortably to see something or perhaps finding something/somewhere they can sit down on.

That's all I can think of for now but I hope this helps some. Have a lovely day and good luck writing!

~ Mod Virus 🌸

would you be willing to do a little drabble about an asexual bg3 tav(male preferably) who’s hesitant to start a relationship with Gale cause they dont know how to be in a relationship without sex involved. for a game with almost unlimited options i wish there was more nonsexual intimacy and asexual characters. hope this sounds interesting enough to write, have a good day :)

This one gave me pause cause I'm assuming you mean your Tav is Asexual AND sex-negative or sex repulsed. But you're also mentioning that they don't know how to navigate a relationship without sex,

So I'm taking that to mean you have an Asexual Tav (does not experience sexual attraction, does not want sex to be part of their romance) who is either coming from a history of relationships where they had sex anyway, or felt they had to, and would like to enter into a relationship where this is off the table, so that they can fully enjoy the relationship on their terms and within their comfort zone. However, this would be the first time? That they are pursuing this?

So a few things!

Gale is of course, not asexual. He experiences sexual attraction. However, on the topic of would he be keen on a romantic relationship that didn't involve sex? I'm gonna say... ABSOLUTELY 💯

His relationship development with the PC is already a slow burn, wherein until his Orb is stabilized he cannot participate in physical shenanigans. This leaves a nice long window for him and Tav to develop a romantic connection and to bond and get to know each other, and talk about these things.

Tav would have to be straightforward, I think. Gale is extremely receptive to knowledge and information and likely either already knows all about this or would be a very eager student. He would want to know Tavs boundaries and I do not believe he would have ANY issue respecting them.

If Tav isn't sure where their boundaries are, that would be a personal exploration experience. Do they want non sexual intimacy? Are they physical in other ways? Do they wanna cuddle, wash each other's hair, share massages?

Intimacy and sex don't have to go together at all, and many a beautiful, fulfilling, wonderful life long love has been built without sex. Without making this too long, I'll add my thoughts for Gale and Tav

Once the boundary of no sex is set, I don't believe it would be difficult to navigate in the least. Gale is so much more than what he can give in the bedroom, and Tav is too. The two could spend a hundred years exploring each other and the world in so many ways.

Non sexual intimacy during their travels:

- Sharing food, maybe eating off the same plate, feeding each other, sharing wine or drinks

- spending the nights together cuddling, massages, hair scratches, bathing each other if nudity is okay 👍 . These things are what build real intimacy, and they never have to lead to sex

- kisses on the forehead, cheek, hands, shoulder.

- reading the same book together, reading out loud to each other

- acts of service, cooking for each other or making each other's bed, packing your partners things while they sleep in for them

- Sharing fears, insecurity, likes, dislikes, wishes, hopes, dreams,

Look I'm gonna level with ya. Sex is the least interesting part of true love and lifelong relationships. I've been with my partner for 18 years and you know what lights up my heart? When they get up before me and bring me a coffee to wake me up. You know what I do for them? They have chronic pain, and even when I'm tired, I will take an extra 30 minutes sometimes to help work the knots out of their back as best I can.

That is the foundation of love. Gale would be very receptive. Your Tav would be incredibly cherished. No sex required.

The help and constructive criticism of this by older and better writers is badly needed please. (and thank you <3)

If anyone sees this who knows more than me on the topics related, responses are so welcome, even if you think it may be hurtful, as long as it has a goal that is to get a logical thought across, it's welcome guys.

I am writing lore for a story I'm writing with a few friends (@elli4nna and a friend who doesn't have tumblr, rainatacos on Wattpad)

The situation is very similar to the annexation and removal of Hawaiian royalty by the United States.

This land is known for being cold, had a unique culture, and has blended with the nation that colonized it, the native people, almost none remaining with completely indigenous heritage, feel as though they have lost something, and try to recover it through the passing on of traditions, and know no other way of their culture.

After my main character finishes a journey of the main story, they defeat the larger enemy, and are granted the crown (Return with the Elixir, if you know about the hero's journey) of the lost monarchy of their kingdom, which they are the second heir to, but the other is too old, and fears she would not have the energy for this, and turns it down.

She does not want to completely disconnect from the larger government, (maybe in the future, but she respects that the current king of the colonizers is not his predecessors, and would absolutely allow them to govern themselves, they simply aren't ready.) She would lead a movement to bring back old customs, and use the ancestors knowledge to help those who are mixed with the race of the colonizers, (used to extremely hot climates and have susceptibility to illness caused by the environment) to better thrive with accurate medical care to make sure they can be happy and healthy in their homes. (The constant cold induced pain and other features including horns and skin prone to frostbite from any cold, as well as thinly insulated wings that create almost certain disability in adulthood, and pain in childhood could be treated with elder's more ecosystem-knowladgeable medical abilities.)

She (the new queen) also wishes to bring back traditional games, events, and sports (like winter sports, only available in this area because there is no snow anywhere else habitable in the realm) to raise morale and show that the environment is not something to hate, and that the local deities are not evil for producing snow and ice, because these too can be beneficial, useful, and fun.

She hopes to research into older forms of clothing to reduce cold and be created and worn easier, such as wing covers, (used to get rid of that pesky chronic pain and disability for those with non feathered wings, also, just stylish and beautiful)

The monarchy will function like a non-profit, may be slightly funded by the state and other fundraising methods.

The queen will work and has the option to live in the old palace, repaired and currently used as a governing facility for the colonizer nation. She may choose to live in her old cabin nearby, in the woods, because her partner has dreams of living in a cute and cozy cabin after having been used as a soldier and experiencing a lack of attention from birth, being used as a slave essentially by Heaven's army since early childhood.

She (the Queen's partner) fell from "grace" to live in Hell (I actually started making this area as a play on "when Hell freezes over" then decided to give it some more after approval from rainatacos) with the queen. She hopes to raise a child better than she was raised by the commanders, and I plan to have them save a young child from trafficking so that they can fulfill this dream.

The child will be a witch, therefore the reason they are being used by adult sorcerers as a source of energy to help with the draining components of huge spells. (Called magic trafficking) This develops her magic stronger than others, but she needs the help of a local witch to drain some of it daily before she learns spells to do it herself. That will work like ADHD medication.

The queen had a healthy childhood with one loving guardian (Her auntie, also a witch [who will help with her magic ADHD], knows some of the old ways) The Queen knows how healthy parenting works because of this, and calms the angel's fears of passing on her generational trauma.

If you survived infodump valley just then, I promise that's only in end-of-the-book lore chapters. (Tolkien style)

Again, any and all genuine writing advice from anyone at all (please specify if you have no experience or if you're talking about the ethics and implications of the political movement) ideas are also welcome, although I'm generally more strict on vetoing those.

If you really want to read it, know that I'm pretty young and it is still titled something like "The AU" so it is absolutely a WIP and a first piece of writing. It's on Wattpad at @PseudonymKay. (kind of)

please disregard this if it's invasive or unwelcome in any way, but do you have crohn's disease? i ask because i'm newly diagnosed and very scared, both for my future and of the treatments that are common for it. are you afraid it's going to progress, without western treatment? or have the treatments you've used helped more than any of those? my doctors have told me that it will get worse without treatment but treatment also seems to leave me very open to even worse things down the road :/

I don't have a crohn's disease diagnosis nor has any medical professional suggested I be evaluated for it but I have definitely looked into it given the symptoms I have that align with it.

I personally am a believer of "third options" or the idea that if you're between a rock and a hard place that instead of feeling forced to choose we can be open to something we haven't thought of or seen yet. I know when you're scared stuff like that feels impractical or even insensitive to the severity of your situation, but for myself I think I end up there no matter if I struggle against it or not.

When I got my endometriosis diagnosis they told me my genuine only options for getting better were hormone therapy or continuous surgeries even though I had already just had one and wasn't sure if it was going to make a difference to my daily pain yet (it didn't).

I don't think any medical professional should be telling you you're out of options if you don't feel good about anything being suggested and I'd advise seeking help elsewhere if you don't feel supported and your doctors are not committing to the process with you and finding a solution that works for you.

I knew I wasn't interested in having my uterus taken out, birth control, hormones, or surgery even though I was told those were my options and although I am not 100% better now going the "holistic" approach, neither are the people I know who have followed their doctors orders so I think it's an uphill battle no matter what and what's important is you fighting that fight in the way that makes sense to you.

Many cultures outside of the American medical system have found all sorts of remedies in the natural world for illness that have since been dismissed or not even given the funding or attention to be seen through and I think that's a direct result of racism and the idea that "modern medicine" is based in science while anything that came before it or exists outside of it is NOT science, when it ultimately still is even if it doesn't follow the exact same procedures. I think it's important to look into alternative medicines even if you decide to go with what is prescribed by your current healthcare providers and keep an open mind that our society destroys and dismisses a lot of valuable history and knowledge based on a hatred for cultures and societies outside of our own which was so largely founded on the idea that not all people and bodies deserve the same autonomy or rights.

I suggest looking into how the research is conducted for the options being given to you if you feel uncomfortable with your current knowledge of them: is it on a wide array of people from different sexes, racial backgrounds, ages? Or just one type (usually white cisgendered middle aged men) and consider that in your decisions making! The world has more to offer than what is on Webmd and at hospitals that wouldn't treat you without health insurance and if you're getting a chronic illness diagnosis it's especially important for you to be in that conversation.

I will say for my own benefit, despite me not smoking due to my tonsillectomy my chronic mucus-y cough is still very much present I just have to do my utmost to utterly suppress it so I don't reopen the wounds and in a lot of cases have to cough MORE to fix the issue because I have to cough so gently while doing so, so I would still continue to say that smoking isn't causing/worsening my chronic cough (which I had already said before after previous breaks for various medical reasons but it is nice to update that knowledge so I have an even more recent example for doctors when asked)

Like literally weed is so helpful that even if it was causing the cough I'd still keep smoking but since I know it isn't the weed it makes the cough more concerning to me, but because of the weed doctors don't seem to listen to me very well about it, BUT I'm also not often in a very good position to stop since it is my pain management and nausea management option but between edibles, liquid pain killers (that I wouldn't regularly be able to take and wouldn't want to anyway, but do knock me out for most of the day), and the soft food diet I'm on meaning that most of my calorie intake is at least easier on my nausea until the edibles can kick in I'm at least not worse off than when without weed like I normally am

PLEASE REBLOG. PLEASE READ. PLEASE CONSIDER TO HELP.

I've been desperate before but phew, I sure hope you can help me through reblogging and more.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (apparently the worst type of depression) and Anxiety disorder alongside ADHD. I went to my local public hospital for a cheaper price. I went secretly without my parents' knowledge because of a very offensive and ableist response the first time I reached out to them about it. I was a minor then but this year I turned 18 and could authorize for myself with the hospital's authorization.

The secret sessions were getting dangerous for fear my parents might find out. And being 18 in a conservative country where Adult ADHD is a myth, the treatments I was getting was borderline neglecting my needs because of how strong the stereotype about hyperactivity is despite ADHD being predominantly inattentive. So I stopped going.

I enrolled into the cheapest pre-university program a few months ago so I am not struggling with school money. Exam fee is quite expensive but my parents are covering that.

However the real problem is obviously my mental health. Here's the thing. My ADHD is severe. I need medication and proper treatments, I've reached out to a few other government hospitals and clinics but the results have been disappointing and some treatments were ableist and very troublesome. I also decided to tell my father about my diagnosis, he was the safer option than my mom. It was bad. He spoke to me as if I'm delusional. He said no genetic of his has ever had a mental illness. Told me to forget about it, but promised not to tell my mom, who 2 years ago reacted to me reaching out to see a therapist for anxiety by telling me I'm just distant from God. It's bad.

I'm only 18, and I can't get a part-time job, because 1) I've tried but my mom didn't allow me to 2) my pre-uni is a 1 ½ duration program with 5-6 special assignment that takes up all one entire semester, I have 3 semesters and 2 of it will be fitted with those assignments 3) my father wants me to help him full time with cabinets making, the thing is I can't do it often cuz of my chronic back pain so I can't get a job cuz of that too.

So. Phew. I'm fighting everyone to go to a private hospital instead to get treatments. However, my allowance can't cover even half the payment. I receive my allowance for about 50MYR a month, supposedly, although it's very indecisively given nowadays, maybe once every 2-3 months. I avoid eating in school to save up as much money as I could. I don't generally spend much for myself, mostly for my digital arts (new tablet, pencils, case, and keypad, simultaneously for school assignments too) because I'm investing to earn money through my arts.

To conclude, I am openly accepting as many commissions as I can get for the next three months until my 1st-semester finish before focusing on the special assignments and national exams.

I need around 400$-600$ (USD) to be able to get proper treatments, at least until I can self-organize my own medicine intake. And around 100$ to pay for a separate Language Exam that I'd rather my parents don't cover for reasons. I have severe parental trauma, it's gotten worse with how my parents have been lately, I'd rather be able to afford to be half financially capable for a while.

If you are able and willingly want to commission me, do message me, I will send my Term of Services and we can discuss your order.

My pieces ranges from 15$-55$ ONLY. I am begging you to help reblog this and help me in other ways you can. 🙏

Here are my recent, improved arts for reference!

You can also tip me on Ko-fi! Thank you for helping in anyway, thank you for reblogging.

hello! I saw one of your previous asks and I was wondering if I could ask you for some writing help too! I have an autistic character that i love, but I'm not sure how to convey that this character is autistic in a way that feel aunthentic and organic instead of stereotyped, specially since she's a girl and I haven't seen many (accurate) representations of autistic girls in the media. I've seen videos about autistic people and they've been very helpful on what not to do, but + I would still love

to get some of the 'do's' what i have so far is that she has a Fixation on the sea, she has a hard time reading sarcasm and/or emotions in others, and she has an overall seemingly 'detached' personality (even if I wouldn't call her that, since she cares about the people she loves, she's just bad at putting it into words). I jsut want to make sure i'm on the right path! thank you so much for listening and I hope this is not a bother!

Hi Anon! I’m not bothered at all and I’m happy to answer this kind of ask. As always, I can only speak for myself, but I’ll try to give you a few pointers. (The previous ask mentioned is this one.)

First, it’s lovely to hear about an autistic girl! I’m not sure if you’re speaking about an adult or a child/teenager, but either way, it can be interesting to read about how autism can look a bit different in women. The gender distinction that has often been made is something I don’t agree with because I feel that it’s an unnecessary shortcut, but a number of autistic people, in majority women and people socially perceived as female, learn to “adapt” more to neurotypical standards by masking their autistic traits a lot, and might not be detected as autistic until adulthood. Masking takes a lot of energy, which can translate as feeling “socially exhausted” all the time and lead to burnout. This article list traits that can be found that are less common and obvious. It is far from perfect imo, but it can give you new ideas!

You didn’t really say if your character is a main or a side character (which changes the amount of detail you’ll want to go into) but so far to me you seem to be on the right track! Having a hard time reading people is something a lot of us struggle with. It might not just be sarcasm, btw, understanding metaphors and jokes can also be hard. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have a sense of humor: it’s entirely possible to be able to use sarcasm and struggle with noticing it when it comes from other people, and a lot of autistic people have a very developed and specific sense of humor that can be seen as odd.

The “detached” personality is something you may have to handle with care because lack of empathy is a harmful stereotype. Maybe look up the difference between cognitive and affective empathy. Some of us do struggle with empathy, many of us struggle with expressing it in a way that’s comprehensible to neurotypicals, but it doesn’t mean that we lack it. It’s fine for your character to struggle with it, but be careful that she doesn’t end up seeming cold/robotic if she’s not the POV character.

Now for some “do’s”: I’m only going to talk about autistic traits here and assume that you’ve fleshed her out with an actual personality outside of her autism, just like you would any other character.

- I agree that it has to come up organically, but it would be a lot better in terms of representation to make her explicitly autistic, ie use the word autistic. It doesn’t have to be at the beginning of the story. If you’re in a fantasy setting or for some other reason you can’t use the actual word, then describing something like neurodiversity would be a good way to make it explicit. In fanfic, I personally think that tagging “autistic [character]” is enough if the fic is short(ish) and the word isn’t used in the story but the character’s autism is fairly clear, but in an original story, you don’t really have that possibility.

- Something I like to do when coming up with original autistic characters is to choose a few specific stims from them, that regularly come back in my descriptions. It falls under the same umbrella as choosing mannerisms, it gives characters their own specific flavor. You can choose a happy stim, a nervous stim and a bored stim, for example. Autistics stim a lot and in a lot of ways, but I think most of us have a few stims that come back often. It can be things like chewing on a toy/finger, flapping in a specific way, rocking on their heels, twirling hair, fidgeting with a toy or jewelry.

- Sensory differences. It’s also something that you can choose for your character: maybe she likes to listen to music very loudly, and often speak a little too loudly, or on the contrary she’s hyperacusic. She might wear sunglasses outside, or need lights on all the time. She might need subtitles to understand a movie, or be super distracted by sparkly things. She might not make eye contact, or make it too much, or seem to make it by looking somewhere close to the person’s eyes. She might find touch painful or difficult, or seek it constantly, or both (can depend on the moment, how tired she is, or if she trusts the person).

- Like I’ve said before, meltdowns/shutdowns are a delicate thing to portray if you’re not autistic yourself, but overloading can and does happen without going all the way to either of them. It’s actually fairly frequent, and happens when there is too much sensory (or emotional) stimuli at the same time or a too long day or something. From the inside, it can look like struggling to think, feeling like your skin is crawling, feeling like everything is too much, and struggling to initiate actions/figure out the steps to do something. From the outside, it can look like the person is rejecting touch, needs to isolate themself, is irritated, might struggle to speak/be very quiet. As long as the character isn’t mocked for their behavior, I think it’s something you can portray without too much risk.

- A specific interest about the sea is a nice idea! The sea is a very large subject, though, so she’ll probably have a predilection for some things. Is it water currents? Fish species? Underwater plants? Beaches? There’s a lot of options to choose from here.

- Maybe think about co-occuring conditions, because most of us have at least one. Some are very hard to distinguish from autism itself, like dyspraxia or ADHD, because they’re linked or similar to autistic traits. A lot of us are also disabled in some other way:  for example there’s a clear (though unexplained) link between autism and hyperflexibility, which can lead to joint pain, gut issues and chronic illnesses like EDS. Many of us have mental illnesses, growing up autistic in this world is honestly traumatizing and it’s hard to find autistics without some kind of C-PTSD or anxiety (on that subject, this post points out that the current diagnostic criteria can probably only diagnose traumatized autistic people anyway).

- A pretty good portrayal of an autistic girl (and to my knowledge the only one where the actor is also autistic) is Matilda in Everything’s Gonna be Okay. I didn’t actually watch until the end and I’ve been told the last episode isn’t great, but the start was pretty good. She’s a teenager, and at one point gets a girlfriend who is also autistic and has a service dog. In Elementary, while Sherlock is only autistic-coded, there is at one point (season 4 I believe) a recurring character named Fiona who I thought was a pretty good portrayal as well. She’s an adult, and she’s stereotypical in some ways but it’s better than most portrayals I’ve seen or read.

I would advise you to have a look through the blog @cripplecharacters. They answer asks about disabled characters, and I know they have answered a number of questions about autism and have at least one autistic mod. Their answers are usually very interesting!

Spoons and Energy and Chores

there's a feral cat colony just two doors down which is relevant because this the second year that I've ended up fostering kittens which is relevant because those are the specific chores I'm going to be using to talk about how difficult it is for other people to understand some one else's spoon/energy issues.

My mum has undifferentiated autoimmune disease which means that she has all kinds of chronic pain and everything that goes with it. Her father had, to the best of anyone's knowledge, rheumatoid arthritis from age two so she was raised by someone with chronic pain as well. In that way, she understands chronic conditions and what goes with them pretty well.

Of course, I'm autistic and in fairly good physical health most of the time so my chronic problems are less physical, usually less about physical pain and the things that cause me stress and damage are different both in what they are and what they do. My mum understands that in general that while our experiences are different in the specifics, I too get fatigue and some things that seem easy to other people have a high cost for me. She's very accepting of that. It doesn't mean the specifics make sense to her though.

So on to the cats! (everything turns out ok)

This year we only found one kitten. Last year there were two and we tried to get them placed in a foster situation because there was no good way for us to do it. We have two indoor cats and they can't be exposed to random outside cats. The house doesn't have a good way to have a quarantine cat room. But there's always more kittens than fostering spots so no one could take them for two months and we ended up having to make do because there were no other options. Same basic thing this year, except we had learned a few things...and the kitten tested weak positive for the feline leukemia virus. Last year the kittens had to be quarantined a long time because we were working with a shelter and they took forever to get the kittens to the vet but they came back negative on everything. This one we just paid to take right away but the weak positive meant that he was in limbo. With that virus, if the cat can fight it off, then it's fine. But 70% of the time they can't and they develop a persistent infection that damages their dna and causes them to develop cancers, like the leukemia it's named for. It's very, very nasty and usually kills the cat in 4-5 years. They shouldn't have contact even with cats who are vaccinated because vaccines aren't always 100% effective, and this is very fatal. The kitten didn't have the full blown persistent infection, but he had been exposed and had the virus inside him. If he could fight it off (which he did!) then he'd test negative eventually and be safe to live with other cats and also have a chance at a nice life. But untill then, and it wasn't the likely outcome, he had to be treated like he was positive.

So not only did I have an extra cat to take care of, I had to be vigilant in my precautions lest I expose my own cats to a fatal disease. It's not super contagious, usually it requires a fair amount of contact between cats to spread, but it's so fatal and so sad it's not something you wanna play the odds on with your pets.

I was solely responsible for the kitten. I took complete care of him for three months til he tested negative and now we're deciding if we're keeping him or finding him a home but it's completely changed my energy demands. I'm still actually the one taking care of him though now it will be easier for others to help.

I'm now getting up two hours earlier. I'm doing other chores I've neglected. I have so many more spoons now.

I still have to do basically the same things as before. But the small changes that come from not having to do them in ways that were harder for me to be on the safe side, matter.

Take laundry. I was wearing a set of scrubs over my clothes to interact with the kitten while he was quarantined. He had towels as bedding that I washed everyday too. These were washed with hot water and had to be handled carefully so they didn't touch anything. I had to schedule when I'd do that laundry around the kitten, and everyone else's laundry and hot water needs. Now, I don't have to do the scrubs at all and I can wash the towels normally and whenever I want, more or less. Maybe even not be responsible for washing them at all, come to think of it...

And all the kitten chores were like that. They all had scheduling issues, specific contamination concerns, extra steps, etc etc. None of it was difficult to do! But it was all extra.

And now it's not!

Mum is completely baffled.

To her, I'm doing the same things I was before. No chores are actually gone. I don't think she even really sees most of them as changing at all. But there are fewer steps, I don't have to do any chores outside expect the litter box, and of course I don't have to be on guard all the time about the virus. For me, this is a massive shift in spoons.

Also, it's emotionally taxing to care for a seemingly healthy animal that may have to be put down. We tried to find a home that would take him, but there aren't many people who want a kitten who may develop a horrible sad disease and die young. And we couldn't find any. Now it will be much easier to find him a home if our cats can't accept him.

So for me everything is better! I have more spoons!

But to mum, if taking care of a kitten takes all my spoons, it takes all my spoons. For me, the details were the issues. The extra steps, even if they were mental, not physical, were very costly. The location a chore is done is sometimes more important than the chore. The fact that it's cooler and the days are shorter help. Not having to remember to wash my hands between cats is such a relief. I was living in overdrive mode for three months in many ways and now I'm not. Mum can understand that, but not why. To her, the only change is now the kitten can visit the rest of the house. To me, the world is 50% better (inside my house anyway...the rest...well.)

I have similar issues understanding what is spoon heavier for her. I don't usually think about what parts of my body physical tasks even use. I know her issues are more physical! I can remember specific things she shouldn't do or that hurt her in the past. But I have to be told. I have to be told "standing in the kitchen too long to make dinner ruins my evening" or "if I pick up the sticks in the yard I can't do anything else for hours". I can't go "hmmm, this chore really uses my back and legs, maybe it hurts mum". Unless it's hurting me, I don't notice what physical things take what physical body parts. And even with specific examples and fully knowing her issues are entirely different, I'm likely to casually assume that something like the stick example is about how overwhelming it is to be outside, rather than about how it hurts to do it or makes it so everything hurts to do later. If I actually think, or if she specifically mentions something hurting, I get it! But my brain naturally assumes stuff based on my experience. And I would guess hers does too, usually. Which is why she can't naturally understand why a chore is different if the only thing that changed was that I'm inside or don't have to focus so hard on making sure I don't skip a step that might make my pets get a fatal disease.

Bear with me here I'm a Tumblr noob

The most difficult part of beginning this is trying to remember where it began, because chronic pain has been deeply ingrained in my life since I can remember.  Another thing I hesitate over is the eye rolls it might already have received – when you’ve lived your life not always in the best health emotionally and physically, you become hyper aware (and anxious) of peoples impressions of you. I have tried to carefully manage these impressions all my life. But I am tired. This is in no way intended to be a sob story.  I am a hugely privileged and happy person with a life full of wonderful supportive people who astound me with their patience and love every day. What this is, is brutal honesty on a subject I have never felt able to be truly honest about. And that is living with constant pain from conditions that cannot be cured. It is a specific set of problems with no real answers and as far as I can see, something that is not addressed in the truthful way that it should be. It makes sense to me to start now, today, as I’m sitting here feeling some sort of manic no-fucks-left-to-give urge to put it all out there. I have always told myself I should write about it because reading about other people’s experiences has always given me new strength and insight made me feel less isolated. Physically, I feel the usual: aching in my back, legs, shoulder, fatigue and slight nausea but today is a good day. I have just returned from the doctor after at least an hour of reviewing medication, discussing the next invasive investigations (that have become so routine) as well as blood tests. This is because of a sudden a new symptom: a rash that looks like bleeding under the skin coupled with intense itching and dermatographism (he suggests I write my name on my skin to ‘impress my friends’ and of course I immediately try it out – I appreciate a doctor with a sense of humour). He suggests weakened capillaries, possible problems with liver function and stresses the importance of no more anti-inflammatory tablets and no more alcohol if I want to limit the already sky high risk of bleeding in my gut. In front of him are my medical history and list of medications and he almost laughs as he tells me that it has got to a very complicated point. Several of them interact, one that keeps my moods up and another that keeps my pain down (as much as it is ever down) and then there’s the fact that this new rashy itching ridiculousness could actually be a side effect of the SSRI’s and be worsened by the anti inflammatories that I have been taking for 18 years without so much as a days break. More medication leads to more complication, everything has a side effect and going cold turkey means days in bed wondering what the point is of ever getting out of it. At this point in the post, I’m already apprehensive of sounding overly dramatic as well as feeling guilty because I know that people suffer much worse than I do. But over the years I’ve become expert at dismissing my own pain as well as not giving myself any credit for coping with it, and that has revealed to be a very unhealthy and damaging attitude for me. Anyone with chronic pain will understand the intensity of the situation and how it becomes a part of you whether you resist it or not. Anyone who hasn’t experienced it can try their best to understand or dismiss it as an exaggeration, which is their prerogative. I grew up in a typically British culture of ‘get on with it’, ‘don’t be a malingerer’ and ‘get it sorted’.  These are all very helpful attitudes until you reach a point where emotionally and physically there is no getting it sorted. When the three main problems (endometriosis, sclerosing osteitis and anxiety/depression) are incurable, you have to adopt a significantly different approach. On a daily basis, I look fine, so I am expected to act fine and as soon as that mask starts to slip I see the people around me getting frustrated. I know they do. I can sense the irritation when I call in sick to work, again, and bail on a night out and wince in pain as soon as I get out of bed and attempt to explain to the person I’ve just been on a date with that it’s more complicated than us having a stress free, casual situationship, whether I want to or not. These feelings are not exclusive to me or my conditions, they are something that people with all kinds of mental and physical difficulties will feel but that people generally don’t want to talk about or even listen to.  The feeling that your body and mind is inherently broken means you run the risk of being involved with the wrong people, in my experience.  At my lowest point I searched for some kind of sustainable romantic connection (that I often don’t feel capable of having) in all the wrong places and at the expense of my own wellbeing. It’s all fun and #romance until the point at which I seem to shut down because I don’t feel comfortable with the burden that I am on a partner.  My last long term relationship was with someone truly kind and understanding and patient and even though it broke down for a number of reasons, the pain was a big factor. Unless you experience it, which I would never wish on anyone, it is the most difficult thing to get your head around. Long term pain, fatigue and depression affects every single aspect of life: work, leisure, socialising, friendships, relationships, sex, your personality, the way you feel about your body, your finances (people generally don’t want to employ someone who can’t get out of bed for a week every month).   There’s also the fact that long term physical problems often come with mental health problems. The two are intrinsically linked and, without fail, ignored by every medical professional I have ever seen. Endometriosis in particular is everything to do with your hormones – how to manage them, control them, stop them, start them - and so you pump your body full of medications, contraceptives, coils, herbal remedies, even alcohol just to forget it’s there for a while until that just causes more discomfort than it’s worth. I don’t have a particular point to make here other than needing understanding, and more than anything the support to tell the truth and be listened to. Chronic pain might give you the reputation of being lazy, a whinger, a hypochondriac, a party pooper and quite frankly it is boring as fuck to defend yourself against that but I am truly done. This time last year I applied for universities but felt pessimistic about what the future would be like living like this. Today I am studying a subject that gives me purpose in a city that I love. The list of things that I appreciate about my life and where I’m at is endless, and thankfully I’ve reached a point where I can truly appreciate how lucky I am. But every day is difficult, a balancing act that I often feel I’m losing. If it’s not my body it’s my mind, or both, or people around me not understanding, or explaining for the thousandth time what endometriosis and chronic pain sufferers have to deal with. Through here I will continue to write openly and honestly about handling a difficult set of circumstances. It is for anyone who might take any amount of comfort in it or just wants to be able to have a rant without judgement. I will not be telling you that cutting out wheat, dairy, caffeine, sugar and alcohol is the only option or that you should do yoga a thousand times a week or take sole responsibility for your health and wellbeing because for so long trying to perfect my lifestyle drove me insane. It is hard, an uphill battle where all you need is good people, empathy and a never ending supply of shitty tv and chocolate on those bed bound days and the knowledge that there will be better days even when it doesn’t feel like it.