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wcvensouls · 6 months

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uenominako i let my intrusive thoughts win and didn't regret it for once! it was time for a much needed personal growth 💖 lately i've been thinking about how much i've changed over the years and how many things i've gone through. the person i saw in the mirror was familiar, yet she didn't feel like me anymore. she was still that excited little girl who moved to the big city on her own to see the world and realized things weren't that simple. the little girl that had to learn to fall down and pick herself back up again over and over, but that always refused to give up. i have every love in the world for her, but it was time to let her go. the road to healing and self-love is long and never-ending, but i'm proud of how far i've come. now, i wanted the outside to also reflect this new version of me, forever a beautiful work in progress, as it should be.

comments : hayashi.emi woman, you look stunning! why didn't you tell me you were going, i'd have gone with you. i can believe i missed this life changing moment 😭 i would have taken so many pictures! you are the most stunning person i've ever meat, both inside and out. i love you with all my heart, baby girl. s.ayaka this is a good look on you. you know i don't do well with these things, but being by your side through this journey has been a privilege. universe.sehyun 😍😍 that's my favorite girl, i'm literally barking and on my knees for you. you are perfect in every way possible adelineeee you look prettier and prettier every day, i think i'm in love starishnacchan i can't believe my baby cousin is all grown up and beautiful like this 🥺 i'm so proud of you, mina-chan~ i love you so so much ottokun always do what makes you happy 💕 you're one of the brightest stars i have ever met, don't let others dim your light fujioka.rina never thought i'd see you not blonde, but you are glowing more than ever before 🥰 you look happy jijihye SLAAAAAAAAAY QUEEN you deserve the world! kotochan oh my god i'm obssessed with this jiyoon.sugar my beautiful little sunflower💗 joodances did you know that you are my girl crush and i would do literally anything for you? because i would

#ueno minako : visage .#handcrafted flower crowns : edits .#this is a very important moment for her ( and me ) okay #i'm emotional rn dont touch me #im also crying at how many muses wanted to comment on this #LIKE YES ITS WHAT MY GIRL DESERVES #idk ok shes just. still my favorite muse ever #she means the world to me #i'm tearing up a little thinking about it bc i'm a little bitch #it's been like almost 2 decades of looking n being the same #and it just feels so freeing for her to just... let go of that signature look and embrace something new #idk am i being overly dramatic about this? maybe but idc

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hajihiko · 11 months

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One of my VERY favourite ideas is when like. Family is supposed to look out for you, in theory, but they don't. And you just get used to that, you look out for yourself, etc. But then you meet the people who have no obligation to look out for you, but consistently choose to, and they pick up the slack you didn't realize was there. And it's just obvious to them. Of course I'd do that, in what world would I not?

#I'm projecting so hard onto the survivors rn #All their families SUCK but they belatedly get so much love from their peers and it's so overwhelming!#'I dont care that people touch me when I dont want them to' 'I care.'#'My personhood has always been second place' 'not to me!!'#'I never live up to what people expect' 'I like you as you are'#'I assume people will turn on me or hurt me' 'if they do I'll kick their ass'#And FINALLY: 'I'm nothing as myself.' 'You're everything to us'#ITS EMOTIONAL HOURS AND ITS ACTUALLY VERY HEALTHY FOR ME TO ENGAGE IN THAT SO EXCUSE ME #Not an art #I am so consistently lucky with the people in my life its drives me insane

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lazybutsmexy · 1 year

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I don't really have an idea in my mind rn. But i do want to request ( if you dont mind ) protective König or jealousy König either of them are interesting for me

And just wanted to say that all of ur works are amazing !! *chef kiss*

( ignore my grammar, I'm quite bad at english TT )

Hello love!! I'm so happy you liked my writings hehe and don't worry about your English, it's completely fine 🫶♥️

Jealous König drabble

•~•~•~•

Jealous König is a rarity. In fact, it's a "blink and you miss it" sort of reaction. That is because he doesn't show off how it bothers him when you laugh at other men's jokes or don't immediately shrug someone off when they lay a hand on your shoulder. Unless he notices that you're uncomfortable - which he never misses, by the way - he won't act on it.

In his mind, he has no control over who you think is funny or who you let touch your body. He trusts you, with his whole body, mind and heart, and respects your integrity as a person, a strong individual, a partner. It doesn't mean he can't feel jealous, but it slowly simmers in his body as he tries not to let it show.

He knows that jealousy comes from a place of insecurity, of seeing himself as not enough to fill your needs. Another source of insecurity is that nasty bug in the back of his head telling him how you would replace him at the drop of a hat for someone more capable of filling those needs.

Jealousy to König means insecurity, anger, greed. He always wants to be a better man for you, and that means getting ahold of his emotions and keep them down, lest he does something that - God forbids - hurts you.

He is quiet in general, as a default setting, especially in large gatherings. And his eyes always search for and find your figure no matter the situation. So you don't instantly notice that his blood is slowly boiling in the inside at the mere thought of another man shooting his shot with you. For the past ten minutes, König has been looking for any clue in your body language that indicated that this private was making you uncomfortable, just so he could stomp over to you and scare the shit out of him away.

You feel his stare, so you turn to him and smile sweetly before you notice that his eyes don't crinkle at the edges like he usually does as a response. The man next to you - you already forgot his name, that's how unimportant he is to you - continues talking about some of his accomplishments back in highschool, but you tune out his voice in order to study König a little more.

His posture is rigid, his arms crossed over his chest and his breathing slow. Even from across the bar where the party is happening, you can feel a threatening aura emanating from him, as if you're watching a hungry tiger ready to pounce.

Usually, your blood fills with endorphins when you notice König staring at you, as that tends to be an indicator that he wants you. But this is a different stare, and fills your blood with ice. König emanates anger.

After being so intimate with König for a few months, you have learned to pick apart the clues in his behaviour. And right now, you want to kick yourself in the face for not noticing sooner. The man next to you - who you considered no more than background noise at this point - could end up bedridden for who knows how long if you didn't do something quick.

You look again at him and interrupt him with a smile, making sure that König could read your lips from where he was: "nice to meet you, uh," you quickly glance at his tag, "private Lang, but I'm going to join my boyfriend now." The private just stared owlishly at you as you got up and left some bills on the counter, before turning and walking towards König of all people.

Konig himself felt a mixture of different emotions: pride that you called him your boyfriend, relief because you preferred him over that dude, annoyance that it took you so long to leave that guy behind, and utter giddiness over being called your boyfriend in such a public setting. (He would swallow the last one down and leave it for a talk later).

He also got up and opened the door for you, indicating that he was more than ready to finally have you all to himself, and you took a deep breath, mentally preparing yourself for the long night of atonement you had in front of you.

#nonnie ask #könig x reader #könig modern warfare #könig mw2 #könig fanfiction #könig headcanons #könig cod #cod mw2 #cod mw2 fanfic #cod mw2 könig #cod x reader

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1eoness · 11 months

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hi! could i request something fluffy? maybe leon spoiling reader with some meal, or cuddles? thanks! ❤️

mentioning meals I AM THE REMINDER TO GO GET A SNACK AND REJUVENATE

and yes ofc i love writing fluffy fluffy hehehehe (im kind of uncreative rn so sorry). btw i'm writing this in the same format as the other one but if you want it to be more structured and narrative just uh tell me LOL

content : fluffy leon kennedy x gender neutral!reader (it's written in second person though). pet names lol

synopsis : leon wants to spoil you so he's feeding you and providing you with an army's ware of cuddles >:)

-food is fuel and leon is a fucking engine

-tbh i hc that leon has a big appetite for sweet stuff,,,, i'm sure a big collective of ppl agree bc he's so squishy squishy [what the fuck am i saying idk]

-anyway enough about me gushing on leon.

-YOU. when will you ever take the time to let him spoil you? are you trying to avoid him?:((

-leon is part kidding. he's not mad ofc but sometimes he can't help but get a tiny bit worried about you sometimes.

-see, leon is a firm believer that a person cannot come to their best senses unless their basic/psychological needs are fulfilled. that includes things like eating, or affection—because when your body senses that you're lacking in something, it will use your brain power to signal you that you need to eat or be smothered with affection! hence you can end up feeling burnt out if u dont pay attention to ur love vitals!! >:(

-leon's mindset will always be applied on you because you're his second heart, you're his tough rock and you need to be taken care of!!

-HE KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE THINKING "affection? that's absurd people can still learn attentively and work efficiently without having to be coddled >:(" while yes in a sense its true—but sometimes you just don't realize that what you need is some time to be vulnerable and intimate, which can explain why your emotions feel a lot more heightened recently than usual (which he notices by the way). you've been tense for a while, and leon reasons that you can't just 'move on' from being overwhelmed with work stress and whatnot—you have to relieve it! but enough about theory.

-your hunger for food or affection is like a 7th sense to leon to be honest. while it's not an accurate intuition everytime, he's bound to think of you once every like two minutes.

-leon actually has very clear and high critical thinking skills. this means he is able to remember a lot of things about you even if he only notices them or you mention it once: this includes your comfort drink, where you like to be touched, hell maybe even the MBTI of your favorite character. and he ESPECIALLY knows what food you like. pad thai, sushi, oxtail, jerk chicken, cake, boba, YOU NAME IT HE KNOWS IF YOU LOVE IT OR NOT

-so when it actually came to asking you what you wanted, he'd send a text saying he's downtown and asking you 'what would you like, baby?'. he's careful with his words and doesn't say "do you want me to get you something on the way?" because it means he's giving you a choice >:( when the whole point is to spoil you because you deserve it.

-and if you answer with something vague like 'anything' HE DOESN'T MAKE YOU SPEAK FURTHER he'll just buy what he knows u like and keep the rest in the fridge if you dont wanna eat it :3 well that's what they're for, right?

"oh, my sweet.." his voice was quaint at the sight of you. leon tried his best to be silent when he entered the room, not wanting to sound like he was pitying you, but seeing you half-covered with comforters, mildly upset and your mind in a frazzle has his heart dropping a bit. you were probably thinking about so many things: meeting some deadlines, picking up this and that from the store, computing this... but you just couldn't organize your thoughts. but that's why leon was here.

your head moved to swivel his direction. "leon.." you smile at him weakly.

it was cold in the city tonight. leon places a hefty white plastic bag of your favorite on the nearby surface before he sits down in front of you from the edge of your bed. he takes the brief second of studying his lover's face before he pulls you into a comforting and warm hug. he can't help but pat the back of his sweet baby's head down, and you feel his lips barely nuzzle onto your ear as he mutters. "y're so good to me, baby. you know that?" leon reminds you before kissing the side of your head shortly. you tried to reciprocate it by giving him a nimble kiss on his cheek, which he gratefully accepts with an eager beam on his lips.

his hands slide down your arms in a soft stroke as he lets go of you gently. the rustling of the bed's layers being heard as leon moves a bit to reach for the hefty boxes of food, which he opens for you once he gives you take your utensil/s. leon's happy seeing you eat. it's a form of reassurance to him personally witnessing you getting the fill you deserve after a whole few days of being so busy and rushing everywhere. it's a calming sense to him as you both soak in comfortable silence while he watches you eat. he was caring less that it's 2 in the morning and caring more about the way the color on your face slowly vibrates back onto your features. you seem less tired, just by a tad percentage. it makes him smile to himself knowing he was able to take care of you. " 'm finished." you mumbled with a hum, feeling a little full and having to lie down. fullness makes you sleepy (and leon knows that!) so he has a subtle, cheeky little grin as he leans over and collects your legs with one arm, pulling you to make you lie on your back. he crawls over to lie down next to you, once again pulling you close to him while he wraps his arms around you— one patting and planted gently on your back while the other cradles your head close to his heart. just where you belong... "you tired, baby?" leon asked shortly and your little nod sufficed. his cheek gently rests against the side of the crown of your head. his touch is soft, it's sweet as he rubs and scratches down your back gently. he gently scruffles at your scalp with his other hand's fingertips, and the motions will send you to a hopefully revitalizing sleep ♡. he places a kiss on the top of your head, like a ribbon keeping its gift from falling apart :( he knows at this moment maybe you're thinking you don't deserve him. but that's so far from the truth.

#leon kennedy #leon s kennedy #re2remake leon #re4remake leon #leon x reader #leon x reader fluff #this is also super bad n rash im sorry ill try to edit it later on

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mrs-monaghan · 10 months

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Hi! I'm new around here (but not new to jikook) and I saw your recent posts where you linked to, among other things, a post where you talked about the 2016 jinmin vlive where they were watching jk on celebrity romance. And I just wanted to say thank you for bringing that up! I think that vlive is wildly underrated. It tells us so much about jikook's relationship at the time. It really showcases how jikook weren't at same place emotionally in the beginning (and how insecure that made jimin) and how their relationship was possibly mostly physical back then. Jk definitely had a lot to work through. I'm sure he was already in love with jm, but had a hard time expressing it. But all's well what ends well, right? :) Very highly recommend that every jikooker watch that vlive if you haven't already!

Okay. First of all, if I have to link this post one more time I'm gonna start side eyeing y'all. I thought I was a pervert till I met y'all. I'm watching you 🧐🧐

He he hee! The video anon is talking about.

youtube

Its like 11 minutes guys. Watch it. You've been in the toilet for longer than that. Don't even 🙄 just watch it.

Anon I think you have put it perfectly. Actually. The last part where I reference on my post about JK not showing Jimin any emotions, I think that caused alot of fighting. Like alot. I joked about JK hitting and quitting but really that's how it comes off. The xes part was good. Probably really good. But after that JK would go back to treating Jimin like he did everyone else. Jimin knew he wasn't just anyone else. They had something going on and he wanted JK to act like it.

I saw something on twitter a long, long time ago so I cannot find it. And its now a blur in my head. But OP was alluding to JK playing video games and ignoring Jimin after xes. I don't recall how OP drew to this conclusion, but it was from something Jimin said. Something about JK and video games. Not sure. Like, we all know when it comes to Jikook its all about reading between the lines.

I remember seeing that and seeing where OP was coming from but I dont remember the context which is a tad frustrating rn. Anygays, it obviously took a while for JK to start acting like Jimin needed him to. Feelings wise anyway.

I am happy Jimin did not give up because look where they are now. (I'm sure the Jungkonda had something to do with it 😂😂) JK basically worships the group Mimi walks on.

We heard it from the man himself so we know it's true, right? He's stubborn, he's hard to handle, and I bet Jimin knows all of it first hand. 🤭🤭

Okay so for some strange reason, your ask made me think about this tweet; (Don't ask me why. My mind is a weird place)

Before anybody freaks out, I would like to advice that u take this with a grain of salt. My friends and I tried to find where/when this could have possibly happened but we couldn't. And we really tried guys, because.... WHAT!?!?!?! Why would Jin say something like this that basically outs Jikook? Right?

But then I think about how BTS used to word vomit alot in the early days so I haven't completely disregarded it. So hopefully one of u have heard of this because I would love to see it. Honestly. It's fucking wild. Like.... it's insane 🤯

That being said, 😁😁😁 the correct members are involved when u really think about it. Right? Like these are the right members for this strange scenario 🤭

We know this is how Jin used to wake JK up. Jin even demonstrated that one time exactly how he used to do it by touching JK's nipples. (I can't with the Tannies sometimes. Honestly 🤦🏽‍♀️) From the huge amount of Jikook nipple play (inside this post is another post about this) we can safely deduce that JK's nipples are sensitive. So to me, yeah? To me it makes sense that a sleepy JK thought it was Jimin touching him. IF this is true and it did happen, the maths adds up. Just saying....

Lord have mercy 🤣😂😂

#if jikook isn't real then neither am i #jikook is real #ask shaz #bts ask #jikook #jimin and jungkook #kookmin #minkook #jimin #park jimin #jeon jungkook #jungkook #bts #jikook theories #jikook theory

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valyrou · 1 year

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Hi!! Could I request dazai with a weird person? (Ik it's not the term, maybe artistic, maybe something else, weird is the only global term which isn't that wrong). Basically they're extremely drawn by art, notice the most niche and least noticeable things and 'it makes sense in my head sorry' is their daily sentence which leads them to feel alone and not understood. Like this with dazai would be interesting I think (like the dynamic, i cant go on bc its starting to get so long but the whole 'dont feel like a proper human being too' ahhh i cant put the right words). There again- I'm sorry it makes sense for me-

Anyway have a good day and sorry <33

A/n: Hello Anon!! Of course I can do that!! I am working on multiple requests at once, kinda overworking myself with studies and work and on top of that I have finals soon and I should study a bit more.. ANYWAYS I related to this a little too much so I think I know what you mean by „weird person that can’t really describe what they think“ kinda stuff. But this isn’t about me so I HOPE YOU ENJOYYY

Warnings: to lazy to read over this rn so not proof read at all.. ALSO INSPIRED BY „no longer human“ by osamu Dazai lol?? Don’t know why but here we are :) reader doesn’t have a gender aswell, so GN reader

Dazai x Misunderstood! Reader

You couldn’t quite remember how you got to the art gallery with Dazai, but here you stood Infront of an magnificent piece of art. You could see how old it was by the cracks and discoloration, yet the way it was drawn, with such delicacy was as if it was drawn only a few minutes ago to you. The emotions and thought behind it, still visible to your eye. The way the eyes of that women were slightly casted down, the dark colored theme, the way the posture was drawn, everything seemed so right.

That was something everyone could see, yet even the way the clothes hung from her body made an important difference to the picture „Can you see her naked shoulder and the robe that almost seems to be put on lazily?“ you had begun your sentence, „it resembles her innocence and purity, no men could ever touch her..“ your voice got a little dreamier on the end. It took you some seconds to notice that’s Dazai didn’t respond. You immediately got embarrassed „it made sense in my head.. sorry“

You looked to your feet, cursing yourself out for saying such stupid things to him as if he could understand what you were thinking… if he could ever understand how you felt when the art practically screamed for you to tell its story, because you knew no one else could quite think like you. No one could. You were alone in this world that seemed to abandon you. Reject you from society as if you weren’t a human being. As if, the moment you shared a piece of your mind, you were no longer human..

You snapped out of your thoughts as you felt a soft hand on your shoulder „Yea, but also look at her hips, the way her robe curves there.“ he pointed subtly to were he meant, „she also seems tense, as if to say that she knew what the men around think of her.“ impressed you looked up to the tall brunette „You saw that?“ in response, Dazai only chuckled „Of course, you are not the only one that has a unique way to see and think.“ his hand gently squeezing your shoulder

„You are not alone. Not everyone might understand what you are trying to say, but I promise you there are always a hand full of people that do. Don’t push yourself down, see the ups of having a unique way to think, even if you can’t voice it.“ he shot you a cheerful smile and for the first time, you felt accepted. Accepted in this so shallow society you always had claimed not to be a part of.

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half-truths-and-hyperbole-louk · 3 months

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Louk's Bad Batch rewatch part 9 batchersss

Let's do it 🤟

The Bad Batch 1x05

"I get my own comm device?" she's so excited and it's so big on her lil arm 🥺🤲

Wrecker working out with Gonky

Echo: "the jedi trusted him" Tech: "the jedi who are all dead" bro 💀 I mean he has a point but still

dad batch telling Omega her comm isn't a toy...

*2 seconds later* Omega sneaking off to use her comm as a toy 😂

Echo and Hunter mom and dad going through the rules with Omega

(fun fact my mum knows their rules because I say them to her lmao)

Tech's reaction to seeing Cid's place is literally "charming 👀" oml he's roasting her before he even meets her I love him sm

the two guys Ahsoka set free !!! on Oba diah !!!

Hunter: 'who is Cid?' Echo: 'I literally have no idea' 💀

Tech: "that would've been information to share earlier" brooo his sass level as at an all time high this ep 👑

TURN AROUND RN BOYS ITS NOT WORTH IT

Omega is so smart fr 💕

Echo mom grabbing Omega's hand before she touches the sharp thingy

CID WHY TF DO YOU HAVE CLONE HELMETS IN YOUR STUPID LITTLE OFFICE LIKE THEYRE DECORATIONS

I don't hate a lot of star wars characters, but Cid is definitely one of them now ngl

DONT DO IT BOYS IT'S A TRAP

Wrecker and Omega high five 💕💕💕💕

Cid called Wrecker "it" I'm- 😡

Wreckers headaches are getting worse 🥲🙃

I know someone has spoken about this before but I just cannot get over the way Omega hugs her little clone doll when she finds out some people are sold and treated like property 😭�� it's like poetry but not the nice kind

Omega: "poor Muchi she looks scared" 🤲

another fun fact my dad says this all the time hehe oops (no my parents have not seen tbb)

oop Hunter dad told Omega to stay on the ship

shhh they're sneaking 🤫

I MISS THEM SO BAD THEYRE DOING MISSION THINGS LIKE "Echo, sitrep" idk it just feels so tcw I'm emotional 🥲

Wrecker hits his head count: 5

Hunter and Tech got the zappy net oop

Omega: "now she's a bad batcher" screaming, crying, kicking my feet, throwing myself across the room

Omega always calls for Hunter first 🥺

STOP ZAPPING OUR BOYS 😡

Wrecker trying to comfort the lil green baby 🥲

Tech's dramatic sigh count: 583

Omega has the brain cell this ep fr

THE TALKING WITHOUT WORDS GETS ME EVERY FREAKING TIME I SWEAR

ew get ur crusty feral slaver ass outta here, skug

lmao Echo shouting to Omega like 'we are unarmed pls arm us' 😂

WAIT I saw someone posting about this, if anyone knows what I'm talking about pls tag the op or something please !! but they were talking about how Echo seems so willing to work with Omega in the field, like he trusts her despite her being a child, possibly because he'd worked alongside Ahsoka as a child, like for him it's normal to work with a child soldier. so while the rest of the batch are like ??? how to talk to babies ??? Echo is giving her battlefield instructions and gives her a bit more 'freedom' (for lack of a better word) in the field

lmao Wrecker's way of distracting the guards is to take out some guy's ankles 💀

"I wasn't sneaking... I was unlocking" YESSSS OMEGAAAA 🥰💕👑🙌

screwdriver hand go brrr

Echo: "the rancor is Muchi???" 🤨🙃 poor baby just needs a nap fr

okay but Hunter just throws Echo's pack at him from like 10ft away 💀 then Wrecker immediately throws him his helmet 👀 yes I watched it multiple times 🤫

Echo again !! he straight up volunteers to take Omega with him 💕

Tech is an ipad kid

OMEGA GRABBING THE LITTLE GREEN BABY'S HAND 🥺

get them Muchi !! tear those slavers apart !!! (insert evil Nimona face)

Wrecker's big nod to slide his helmet over his face properly teehee

Wrecker hits his head count: 6

Hunter grabbing the whip. Hunter grabbing the whip. Hunter grabbing the whip. Hunter grabbing the-

do not ask me how many times I've watched this scene... just don't

but the answer is yes

anyway back to being normal lmao

Omega finding her laser bow 🙌 !!! + Echo mom calling aftet her lololol

Muchi thrashed that slaver pet fr

Wrecker: 'challenge accepted' *fights rancor*

Bib Fortuna and the guards for the ot vibes 🥰

Omega riding Muchi !!! very Fett of her hehe

"I'm good with secrets" yeah and I'm good at going to bed before 3am 🙄 pfft good with secrets my ass Ciddarin 😠

tysm for joining again friends 💕 I actually meant to post this yesterday but I fell asleep oopsie

but I'm running out of time lolol so I'm gonna have to watch a few eps a day now !!

who else is terrified for s3 👀

It's almost 3am and these are the only 2 pics I can find from this ep 🥲 feel free to reblog and add more 💕

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fanmoose12 · 1 year

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These months I've been studying for the MCAT and what can I tell you... I'm really stressed out. You'll probably know how it feels, you have to study day and night I haven't got a nice sleep yet and I'm having headaches and I cant stop crying. This is the worst part of my life rn. I know is gonna be worth it but is difficult to stay positive.

I want to feel better and levihan is my favorite ship, it always brings me happiness and I was wondering if you could write a small drabble about Hange in a Modern AU being really stressed out and almost giving up like me because they are studying for a really hard uni exam (whatever field you choose if you want to) and Levi is there to comfort his lover because they are going through a really rough time.

I would love seeing Levi comforting Hange because I know during this days you need someone you love by your side to give you support. I sadly dont have that person I love by my side to support me but maybe reading this drabble would help me to feel that love and support, because I really like how you write Fanmoose and you always make me feel the emotions of the characters by text and is truly amazing. Keep up the good work and stay safe! ❤

Levi has seen all of this before - the mess of discarded papers, all littered with broad, chaotic strokes of Hange's handwriting, the circle of dirty coffee cups, the towers build from boxes of cheap takeout food, Hange themself on the floor, sitting amidst this clutter, agitated and with vigor pouring out of them.

The tears brimming at the end of their lashes, glistening in the light of the desk lamp, however, that's... that's a new development. An extremely concerning one.

"Hey..." his hand that grazes the side of a doorway is just as hesitant, as is his voice. "Four-eyes, are you-"

"I'm fine!" Hange exclaims - way too quickly and with too much energy for their answer not to sound forced. "Fine, fine, I'm fine..." with every 'fine' they mutter Levi realizes just how not fine they're. "Just a little busy with work. This new research the university has entrusted to me is a bit more nuanced than I thought... Definitely much more nuanced than they thought, but, hey, it's nothing that some digging cannot solve."

"It doesn't seem like it."

"Huh?" back to their papers already, Hange looks back at him with eyes wide open. They blink rapidly, appear confused, the circles under their eyes - way too dark. "What did you say?"

"Hange," Levi's voice grows sterner, his concern - deeper. "When was the last time you've slept? Or took a break longer than needed for you to go and take a shit?"

"Hm..." they bite at the end of their pen. "Today is Tuesday, right?"

It was the evening of a Thursday. And if Hange failed to take note of that... Levi sighs and strides decidedly inside their room.

"Hange," he crouches next to them on the floor, tries not to wince at the stench that's emanating from them. "You need to sleep."

"I know, I know, I will, I just need to figure this equation out first. Then..."

"No." Levi hisses lowly, snatching the notebook out of Hange's palm. Hange tries to fight him, but even on their best days - Levi remains the stronger one. And today, it's no challenge to him at all. "You're going to take a break. Now."

"No, Levi, you don't understand, I-" and there they are, the tears, they return. In full force. Hange tries to wipe them with their sleeve, but tears don't stop, and soon - their face turns into a mess.

Levi exhales, swipes their hand away and wipes their face himself. His touch is gentle, careful, his eyes worried and sad. When the snoot is gone from Hange's cheeks, he pulls them closer, wraps an arm around them and lets them continue sobbing into his t-shirt.

"I don't know how to solve it, Levi," Hange murmurs, clutching at his back. "I try and try and try, but..."

"Shh," he rocks them gently, presses his lips against the crown or their head, greasy hair be damned. "You just need a break, Hange, then you'll feel better. That big brain of yours will feel better too. And in the morning, you'll solve whatever shit you couldn't."

"And if I still won't be able to?" Hange asks in a voice so weak that Levi's arms subconsciously tighten around them. "What if I fail, what if I-"

"Are you working on how to solve the world hunger? Or cure cancer?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Then the world won't end if you fail. The world will still be there, waiting for you to try again. And again, if needed to. But you won't be able to continue trying, if you don't take a break and rest."

"B-but-"

"All people fail, Hange, cut yourself some slack. Now, come on," Levi raises, helps Hange get to their feet as well. They waver as they stand upright, Levi's hold on them is unwavering, however.

"Uh..." Hange says, sheepishly, with some of light returning to their eyes. "I think I'm hungry..."

Levi nods. "You also are exhausted. And reek like shit."

Hange's hand goes to their head, they weave fingers through their hair, grimacing as they do so. "Mm, perhaps, you're right. I do need a shower."

"But first," Levi starts pushing them forward. "Let's get some food inside you. Real food," he adds, glaring at the discarded boxes of takeout.

"You'll cook for me, I hope?"

Levi looks up at them, his expression deadpan. "Do I have a choice not to?"

Hange giggles, leaning more into his side. "What I'd have done without you..."

"Die from exhaustion or asphyxiation after falling asleep with your nose still in your notebook."

"Rude," Hange says. "But probably true." They pause then, features turning more serious. "Thank you, Levi, for... always taking care of me. I know I'm not the easiest partner to deal with but..."

"Taking care of your giant brain is my duty to the universe. And taking care of you, you weirdo," he says, voice that much softer, "is my personal pleasure."

#levihan #anon!!!! i totally feel you bc when i was going through med school i struggled with my classes constantly #but.... it does get better and studies do become that much more interesting and less frustrating #hope you find your strength and inspiration soon!!!

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mushtoons · 11 months

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Do you guys have any tips for a questioning potential system? I feel like I'm going insane trying to figure it out, if I just leave it doubt starts yanking me around, but I get lost so easily when I start trying to look into it and other people's experiences with it and things start feeling foggy. I don't think major amnesia is a big factor here, if that changes anything at all

(Also I feel like its a given but I just wanna be sure, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, answering system stuff isn't your job! Thank you for listening, either way)

gonna start off saying as usual we arent professional so our advice might be shit lol

but honestly we felt the same when we first started, anytime we tried to research on our own we began to disassociate or our head would get super foggy and all in all it didnt feel good, we learned that that could mean a gatekeeper is trying to keep your system hidden from you, or other members are trying to front suddenly (that is if you're even a system we cant tell you if you sre or you arent!)

and you dont have to have major amnesia, any amnesia counts, emotional amnesia as well

our best advice is to keep journals, try and talk to potential headmates and start up communication (thats easier said than done WE still struggle with that) and try and do as much research as u can before the fog gets too much to learn what u can (that's how we started)

and we arent sure if you experience this but if you begin to feel "different" write that down as well and write how you feel in the moment (ex: "i like the color pink rn" "im having trouble touching this texture i usually like" ect ect

#sorry if that isn't helpful molly and m usually give advice #bit rn its just me (rj) and emmet and we dont really know how to explain stuff #but hope that helps even just a little!#also sorry it took so long to respond #wood wide web

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the-falling-star · 2 years

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Hello love! Hru doin'?

Belated Congratulations on your bachelor degree. I'm so happy for you. Make sure to take breaks from time to time okay. Indeed spiritual stuffs are happening rn. Saturn is in ret, jup will be too after 2 days till 2 Nov, tmr is a new moon in leo... Heavy intense energy ugh-

My present situation is dunno very lazy n stuff. I should be studying for my national entrance exam but I'm jst not studing. Maybe phn addiction is a reason too but I mean where's the real motivation? I jst don't feel like touching my books. I don't even bother to open my bag after coming back from my centre!? My emotions are all over the place n lately I hv been really stress abt I myself dont know what?. I suddenly started feeling sad, depressed and anxious. My rel with my family are like getting better n then messing up then getting better then again messing up n it goes on n on. I feel stagnant n I'm actually forgetting everything or anything within seconds. My main focus is my STUDIES so I need guidance over that pls if u can😭 also I noticed that people around me are also feeling the shift in their life. Like they know what they want to write/do but ends up writing/doing smtg else for instance, you wanna write chromosomal material condenses to form compact mitotic chromosomes but you ended up writing chromosomal material attached to form compact mitotic chromosomes even tho you knew you wanted to write condenses not attached!? This happened with a girl who was sitting with me yesterday like three or more than three times with the same sub over n over again n same happened with me few days ago. Dunno but I'm actually tryna make improvements in me so that I can study better for my exam but jst can't help it 😭 there's nthg happening.

Thankyou sm angel, take care💜

Hi 😊

Oh god i just realized I have a full moon in my 7th house + Saturn retro transiting my 12th house 😭

I actually was going through the same situation when I was preparing for my bachelor exams But I eventually remembered what will happe if I don't succeed and What will happen If I do succeed ,what will happen if my friend did it but I didn't how I'm i going to feel and then I got scared and started revising everything This is a really serious period of time in your life it may change a lot but may be the cause of you losing a chance or an opportunity that's coming in your way do you want to lose that chance ? of course not so what are you going to do is to shut down your social media not telling you o not use your phone anymore but you need to control yourself in order for you to make a progress. The message I got for you is that something really big is slipping away from your hand if you keep acting like this.

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figs-and-cigs · 1 year

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you can ignore this ask if you want but do you have any good resources for being in a polyamorous relationship with someone with bpd? im also disabled with fibromyalgia and sometimes it hurts too much to even cuddle and they give me that space but it makes them miserable and i just have no clue what to do and your one post from months ago about relationships says reading is important but i dont know what to read or where to start and i dont want to run into misinformation that will make my relationships worse (also to clarify i dont have bpd, im pretty sure i have aspd so its still cluster b but i dont think i understand much about bpd other than the symptoms, idk how to help them heal) (also we cant afford therapists rn rip)

Unfortunately when it comes to books about BPD (or any cluster B pd) and relationships I've yet to find any that are worth recommending. The closest I've come is watching Crazy Ex Girlfriend on Netflix with my partner and regularly pausing it to talk about how my symptoms relate or differ. (And even then the show is dramatized but at least it's funny!)

For myself I had to learn that I am 100% responsible for my mental and physical health issues. I'm the only one who can truly understand myself and my needs - and with that I'm the only one who can clearly express to others how they can help. The best thing my partner(s) can do it make it clear that they are a safe place to communicate - and when.

Today my primary and I had a kid free day and I had expected we would spend it doing things together. Instead, I woke up midday and he spent all of his time tending to his garden - even long after I woke up. I felt immense rejection! While my initial impulse was to pout and behave negatively - I had enough coping skills to recognize that my partner was not ignoring me (he was doing things he likes to do in his free time like a normal person!), and to busy myself with things I enjoy. When he finally took some time to sit I communicated I was feeling a little ignored because I expected the day to go differently (how could he know this? He can't read my mind.) I then asked to watch a movie (solution to connect for a bit today). His response was empathetic and without judgement. Hug, kiss, movie time.

I have to remember that as partners we can't read each other's minds nor solve each other's problems. There has to be a good balance between recognizing our own autonomy/responsibility and collaboration. Which only works through communication.

In short, your partner is the only one who can help you understand them.

Things that have helped in lieu of therapy. Polysecure is a book high on my recommendation list. I've personally found a lot of help and support in groups like Codependents Anonymous and Emotions Anonymous. Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills can be learned online and there are some fantastic workbooks (DBT was created for BPD). I also really like the Emotional Freedom Technique and Somatic Therapy skills.

I think those of us with Fibro and Chronic Pain issues end up in a lot of similar situations where our partner(s) feel rejected when we can't be physical. No matter how much validation or words of affirmation we might give. I like putting my legs on someone's lap or hand holding when full cuddling is too much. When touching at all is too much sharing a weighted blanket (or giving them one) or a big stuffed animal has been a decent workaround.

Hope something in all of that helps. I appreciate you reaching out!

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internetgremlin-writes · 2 years

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FLAT SPIN CHAP 5 SPOILERS!!

OH MY GOD IGGY THAT CHAPTER WAS ABSOLYTELY PERFECT!!!!

The way he asked her to come to Barcelona… SO carlos of him I wanted to cry… AND THE WAY HE METICULOUSLY PLANNED EVERYTHING? I am sorry if you dont like / dont care about zodiacs BUT THE VIRGO ENERGY IN HIM JUMPED OUT, and I respect it soooo much. Everything he planned was so /him/, but also so so perfect for MC — the little gestures? Ordering for her? Translating everything for her? POSTING HER ON HIS STORY? God i literally melted

AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON HIM COOKING FOR HER… because god damn you Know how Weak I am and it was so beautiful, also the British breakfast once again just shows how much he cares for her and understands her🥹 i am just about to combust actually

AND THEN RACE WEEKEND? And everything with the green tractor and also MC and Sebs relationship? Once again nailed it sm god i love these teammates… and how she didnt want to fight Seb / come across like that because he just means so much to her????? Girl you got me on the floor rn…

What I cannot stop thinking about is how shes in for the championship, and as of rn so is Carlos… Will they be fighting each other further down the line or… 👀 Make up sex as an apology for aggressive overtaking again? Or podium celebration sex because BOTH of them ended up on the podium (Silverstone? 👀) So many possibilities omfg dont mind me

AND THEN LAST BUT NOT LEAST (thiugh i still have so much to say but my slow ass brain needs a bit of time i guess) the ending was just perfect… like am I the only one thinking Carlos didnt want to sleep with her pre race weekend bc he wanted to fully focus on her but couldnt with all the GO expectations around him? But now that it was done he could let himself fully focus on her and give her all the attention he thinks she deserves? God I love them sm… And the way you let all those emotions show through during the smut was just CHEFS KISS, the way they understand each other is just so 🥹🥹🥹 i have no words lol other than i’m SO obsessed..,

God i hope this all is legible its 4:14am now and i am prone to word vomit already when my brain is working so this may just sound like incoherent crap but i hope you know this chapter was SO GOOD, also the way you captured Barcelona imo was spot on like I wouldnt have noticed that it was all based on research and not personal experiences (though i guess i must confess i havent been to barcelona since i was 4 either… JSJDKFKF BUT YOU MANAGED TO CAPTURE THE SPANISH VIBES PERFECTLY THAT I CAN TELL YOU BC I JUST VACATIONED IN SPAIN LAST MONTH)

okay oh my god i am back from festival and i am finally going to reply to this without crying halfway through...

firstly OH MY GOD. you... you wrote all this... about my work?? I'm touched, I'm shook, I'm honoured, this is honestly the best feeling and probably as close to a "real" author with people analysing my work as I'll ever get and I am ABSOLUTELY here for it (especially as a literature nerd who loves to pick apart all of my books for fun)

haha I don't *dislike* zodiacs, I don't really follow them to that much detail but I vaguely have an idea of them. To be honest, the way I write Carlos is purely based on the guy we see as a Formula One driver and personality (but now you say that I totally see the virgo energy). ALSO I'M SO GLAD YOU NOTICED THOSE I am entirely convinced Carlos is a very detail-oriented person and especially when he is first seeing someone he would be really careful to go out of the way to do really subtle but meaningful things yanno?

As for the championship fight... well I don't want to give anything away but oh I *definitely* have a plan for MC and Carlos and the WDC ;)

Haha don't worry it all made sense! And thank you so much for the comment about Barcelona... it's a little embarrassing how long I spent on google for things to do in and around the city because I've never been to mainland Spain, so even if it's not 100% accurate I'm just happy the vibes were right!!

honestly just thank you so much for this, it means the absolute world <3 <3 <3

#iggytalks #im actually unwell #this was so so kind #and im so touched #carlos sainz #formula one #flat spin

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rhaaclaws · 2 years

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HI rhaast ^_^ throws these numbers at you 9, 25, 30, AND 56 :]

9. Fave fight?

KC AND METALLICA MY BEST FRIENDDDDDD listen its gross but thats one of the things I love about it. like the bullshittery and the thought process from each fighter AND MY FRIEND KCCC WOOOOO its so good I rewatch it so fucking often [and then cry at ep28 to humble myself] Another one of my fav fights is Bites The Dusts and Made In Heaven because these two terrify me sooo much like THE HORRORS. BTD with how I was constantly worried shaking and crying over who was gonna die [and listen. you didn't hear it from me but when I thought rohan was gonna die I was CRYINGGGGG like tears down my face it was kind of gross] and MIH is just auauhghghghgh the HORRRORSSSSSSSS like what the fuck.... it did everything it had to do RIGHT but it hurt so fucking much and that damn ending. makes me want to explode anyways teehe "you daughter is your weakness" Dies

25. Stand ability you think wasn’t used well enough in the series?

Sorry for focusing so much on diu and va I'm just silly BUT. Love Deluxe, Purpy haze and Spice girl. first off ik this is more of just the character instead of stand but shhhhh Yukako could've bodied fucking everyone in that damn cast she'd get kira in one hit as she should! PURPY HAZEEE this is obvious but Please pelsepolease I need to see him again I'm so devastated WITH THAT COOL ASS THEME TOO..... BRUH... anwyays Spice Girl my best friend he could've also done it all but noooo. Whatevers.

30. Rank your order: Jojo main villains

ok im exceptionally bad at ranking things BUT I have two lists, villains I Like and how much they scare me. In terms of who I like

Diavolo [toxic slutch privileges]

Dio [sorry hes just such a bad bitch]

Kars [she's my best friend, not really a villain but deserves to be on here]

Pucci [Many thoughts but I trust my friends like Quintus to do him justice, pucci is funny though but please go to therapy instead of projecting]

The bitch who shall not be named

I JUSTS RELAIZESXD IO FORGOT KIRA. I PROMISE ITS NOT ON PURPOSE I WAS JUST LIKE HMMM WHO AM I MISSING FROM HERE BUT PKFSDFKJHGSDFLKGJSFGJKHSFG IM SORRY I DONT SEE HIM AS A CHARCATER HES LIKE. AN ENTITY BUT NOT IN A FUNNY KARS WAY HE ONLY SCARES ME I DONT CARE ABT HIS CHARACTER anyways these r the ones that scare me [With Kira]

Kira [i think hes the best jojo villain in terms of playing his role and bringing that awful unsettling feeling that shit is WRONG]

I'm gonna be honest everyone else is under here in near the same level because I'm only really scared by kira. pucci isn't scary for me bc i was raised around Catholics, whats he gonna do? preach to me? kars is my friend and everyone else id have no way of meeting bc I'm in Mexico yall stay safe though 🙏

56. Any headcanons?

LITERALLY SOOOOOO MANYYYYYYY im only gonna mention some that im obsessed with rn bc its so much dude I have a google docs just for the main p5 cast and its like. 4 pages long

anywaysssss

Akira and Yukako are siblings its true to me it happened and its real like they're SOOO SIBLINGS. they are going to the powerlines and throwing bricks at it and causing electrical damages I could talk about them for hours

I RLLY LIKE THE ONE where the reason Jolyne can turn her midriff into a Mobius strip for the strings is that Jotaro was so traumatized from seeing Kakyoin having a hole in his stomach he passed that trauma onto her and it was a form of protection so she'd never have to go through that again. there's this one post from a couple years ago that says this beautifully but i don't think i can find it

anyways. funny one next: Tiziano almost exclusively uses toxic paints because "theyre the best quality" best friend that's mercury you're snorting

Fugo cut those holes as a way to 'stay clean' from self harm and as a reminder that he's not touched. victim to victim communication

ALSO i rlly like that idea that stands will manifest if the user is experiencing strong emotions [ex Giorno gets super excited and starts growing flowers around]

another stand based one is that when you get your stand they change something physical abt you [like Yukako's hair got wayyy long and thicker bc of Love Deluxe, Diavolo's eyes turned into that shattered green bc of King Crimson, shit like that]

Abbacchio had one hell of a gender adventure. the 'well I'm fascinated by femininity but I'm not a girl' to 'well i like being called a girl but by strangers by presumption' to 'Wait.'

I was talking abt this to Raph earlier but Reimi likes to scare ppl in the alley like that scene in Beetlejuice with the fucked up faces

She tried it on Yukako and she was like. Holy shit can you do that again?

This is bc Yukako is a horror fan through and through. her gay awakening and first movie crush was the girl from the ring SOBS

Also I see Yukako as a lesbian because her arc literally reminds me so much of comphet and the fucking lengths I've gone to be like 'wellll i Have to like men'

This is stolen from a rlly good fic but Akira was struck by lightning as a kid

Fugo is a fucking HATER. this is just canon but whatevs

I think its be fun for Mista to experiment with the Genderisms through drag

Trish and her punk album can be something so personal

Ok tahts rlly long but im always willing to give hcs on fucking. Anything bc my brain is so fat and juicy with intelligence 24/7 its so hard ANYWAYS THIS WAS FUN

#long post #fav #ask game #rhaa talks

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wooahaes · 2 years

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Ahh we all have that one professor who makes u go ??? The fuck ??? At least 5 times in 20 mins lol I get you

Also the nct thing was purely by accident lol aksnsksms I initially listened to boom by nct dream, thought I’d listen to a couple more songs, fell down the rabbit hole and now I actively Stan 20+ men 💀 yeah I did that to myself lol but fr nct has some weird shit but a LOT of bops like if you like slow ballad type of stuff I recommend from home and my everything but nct u or if u like smth cute Touch by NCT 127 is p well liked by most people I introduce that song to! And most of nct dreams older songs are p cute too! I feel like you’ve made a grave mistake letting me talk ab NCT because I could go on FOREVER aksnsksms also I totally get the mark + Haechan duo lol I have a particular fondness for mark because we share the same birthday lol plus he’s so cute I just wanna fucking SQUISH

I would LOVE to hear you talk about Shinee!! All of their music fuckin SLAPS I’ve been obsessed with Body Rhythm every since it came out and like I got into the fandom p late so I don’t know much but I think taemin is fucking hilarious like he is very much my pathetic lil meow meow

-Baby Teume

literally i love her but the way she runs her classes... headache inducing. im probably going to scrape past with a C unless she decides to drop our lowest grade (highly unlikely but very welcome)

... my confession is that i actually enjoy sticker lmao like ik its not great ig? but i can still vibe with it

i have made NO mistake asking u to talk abt nct!!! pls talk to me about nct whenever u feel like it lmao i love hearing abt other ppls groups and the stuff they get passionate about!! literally i love when ppl give me song recs even if i dont end up getting into them bc its a lil 'hey i thought u might enjoy this' and i think thats sweet <3

i learned that marks emojis are a tiger and a lion and im like omg... tiger... another tiger boy to add to my collection. AND lions too??? mark nct ill give u a kiss omg /j

omg... u will regret asking me abt shinee i love them SO much. im ignoring the fact taemin just showed up on my playlist (highly recommend all of the shinee members solo stuff!!! i can absolutely give recs for my fave from each member even tho minho has like two songs to him rn but theyre both good fdkhdshf)

i always say taemin is my bias (hes adorable AND funny like... king stop my expectations are too high-) but i think im truly ot5 because all of them are so important to me. they were the first kpop group i ever listened to forever ago (sherlock (clue + note) is a legend and i love her so much), and i think dropping off shortly after getting into them (which would have been around 2015 because it was the time view came out) and then picking them a little over a year ago was genuinely like... something that really helped me out of a shitty place + hurt because i had missed the news about jonghyun entirely. but even then, i think its made me appreciate him and everything he's done so, so much. i won't get sappy but i truly love jonghyun so much and i'm glad he's no longer hurting. it'll always piss me off when people reduce him down to his death and nothing else because he was such a good person.

moving on from that before i get too emotional... i genuinely just love shinee a lot. i watched one of the shinee world concerts (IV i think?) earlier this year and its amazing how talented they were and still are. shinee truly helped pave the way and inspired so many idols and i adore them. its also fun to just watch them interact, tbh. i don't genuinely ship anyone because i find that weird, but minkey as a (platonic) pair are my faves lmao they always bicker like an old married couple but you can tell that they do love each other and are genuinely close friends.

and jinki!!! onew my beloved!!! i love him so much. he has such a warm presence and GOD his vocals... i die every time... coincidentally love phobia just came up on my playlist lmao but still!! highly recommend listening to DICE if u haven't!! the entire album itself is good but the title track is soo good <3 i always feel like i forget he's the leader of shinee because they're all so close-knit, it feels like they're all on completely equal footing even if jinki is the one leading them.

i didnt rly get into my love for taemin but genuinely i adore him. he's so, so talented both vocally and dance-wise, i love to see the difference between his stage persona (typically his solo persona lmao taemin and his slutty slutty music... <3) when he's really just this very sweet catholic man who apparently only really interacts with his group mates and a few others outside of that. he's so funny and i honestly admire every live he did where he spoke english and messed up and accepted his mistakes? like. learning a language is hard enough, especially one as fucking weird as english, but he just seems to eager to try speaking english and accepts his mistakes. i think he definitely has a very good support network both in the people helping him learn english (job-wise) and in having someone like key there to correct him (and maybe rib him a little bit--but it's all out of love). also i still think its really funny he broke into keys place to leave him a birthday cake and then proceeded to steal one of his jackets. stole my heart at the same time smh

i will stop here bc i still have two questions left on my final but !!! i will absolutely give u shinee recs if you want!! shinee has SUCH a good discography with only a few songs that are... not good at all lmao. but every group puts out some bad songs sometimes, especially when they've been around for a long time! nothing wrong w that! + i'll probs throw in recs from each member's solo career because i genuinely love a lot of their solo stuff as well <3

#wooahaes.ask #asks.anon #baby teume anon #the shinee song recs goes for literally anyone who wants it btw like i love my guys SO much!!!#i rarely get a chance to talk about them as much as i can talk abt svt/trsr

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torieisawesome99 · 4 days

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Ok I have no irl friends available rn so I'm just gonna rant to strangers on internet.

Bro WHY after going on a date and sleeping with said date 1 fucking time I am having actual feelings for this dude!? Like it was a great date we went to a music festival and stayed at a hotel drinking and talking for hours before we even slept together but like wtf. I used to be a grade A man eating menace to society I have never once in all my years of sluttiness caught any kind of actual feelings for anybody I've slept with one fucking time and I DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT. I'm sitting here fucking psychoanalyzing myself like ok was it the fact that he has a gorgeous accent? Him easily switching from me upside down to standing up with my thighs on his shoulders and my goddamn head practically touching the ceiling!? The fact that for once I was the more experienced one teaching him some new tricks? The way he was so cuddly and cute and needy the morning after? Him pulling me close and saying he just wants to lay with his head on my chest for just a little while longer? The cute good morning/night texts he's been sending for the last week since our date even tho he has to get up at 4am and is probably barely coherent?! Somebody fucking send help cuz I'm experiencing feelings for a man for the first time in 2 years and I don't like it dammit! I just wanted to get railed by him not railed by my emotions ffs

#what the actual fuck #i am emotional and i dont like it

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cydie · 9 days

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I disconnect from my emotions as a protective measure when I feel unsafe

I sit in disbelief when I can't understand the hurtful actions that have happened

I wonder to myself if it was only good for a little bit and it was short lived

I feel the creeping dread of knowing it was a false safety all along, and how stupid of me to let myself trust it

I feel surprise every time there's a different outcome

I feel the guard gates give

I feel sections of my emotions that hit me unanticipated, ones I wasn't able to prepare for

I feel relief to know I was wrong, that he knows it was wrong

> 11am-12:30 21/04/24

1:48pm continuing on//

i woke up at 10, knowing he said 11

wen to the toilet thought aboutast night

lacking coherent feelings for it but wondering if I should currently have some

11 alarm I was back in bed I went back to slep bc i tired

woke up a minute b4 11?? why idk am I feeling too wired from last night to feel safe enough to sleep ???? or is my body so accustomed to a slep schedule that it's not letting me or is my inner guilt of sleeping the day away stopping me from sleeping in and has that been exacerbated by the fact that I know if I let it happen it will steamroll and spiral and he won't have the willingness to fix it??

anyway wow derailed

11am alarm go off he up at 11:06 he roll over to touch me smilex

im glad he's not mad but he keeps going back to sleep but then he said I have 15min timer if I fall back

which also wowee new thing he wouldn't have done that b4 so tangible effort is visible

anyway he gets up and goes to kitchen and half hour later I see he on floor sleeping

Oh ok I was misled

I go wake him and remind him he said 11

he told me to stop and that he didn't expect an alarm to go off at 8am and 10am

i don't focus on this bc I know he's sleepy and defensive so I need to chill before I lash out but I still bank it bc it hurt

I clean out the coffee machine bc I know I need the caffeine

I think about how he would be able to force himself to get up if it was work and how I don't seem to hold the same importance which speaks to how I'm constantly being made to feel inferior to everyone bc he sees me as lower and treats me with less respect bc he respects me less bc he thinks less of me

he eventually sits up

and I finish cleaning and go over and sit with him

he nicely says hi and apologises for being grumpy earlier

i say are you still mad

he says I wasn't mad

I say you were bc u said something defensive u said I'm not the one that had an 8am and 10am alarm

he says no I said j didn't anticipate that I would be woken up at 8am and 10am bc I figured you would have turned them off --- making the reason why I'm hurt rn my fault ---- deflecting, but maybe he knows he fucked up and is already trying to justify it

I said I didn't think to turn them off you didn't explicitly tell me to -- so we both forgot but it's my fault why --- you didn't anticipate being woken up at 8 and 10 but I didn't anticipate being emotionally chewed up and spit out last night we are not the same

I shut down my emotions because I'm protecting myself and you think that's manipulation. i shut off my emotions and replace them with narrowed eyes, suspicion, and scrutiny as I try to understand what I'm seeing in front of me because ((putting someone through these levels of extreme emotion and high ups and low downs is insanely emotionally manipulative and these extremes would derail any person's grasp of sanity making them feel crazy and question their reality)) because very faintly i wonder at 2% what if he's is actually manipulating me?? and i dont see it??))

and for some reason if i don't show a very clear and vulnerable response and i put my guard up instead, you think im malicious BECAUSE you have an overactive risk sense. you look for reasons to confirm your fears and you don't challenge them nearly enough which makes you more dangerous than you think i am bc you are more likely to give in to the feeling of the moment rather than the facts of the matter

so I have to consistently be vulnerable so that you can trust me enough to not be a heartless cold being who thinks he needs to use an umbrella when it's not raining

when i have the same level of fear of being vulnerable yet i am constantly having to push down and dismiss my own feelings, and trust you without reason to

when do you take the same risks as me? or do you feel so inferior and defective to me that you need to push me down to feel level?

----++ continuing from I said "you knew about my alarms and they've been happening for the last 2 years "

you said "figured you would've turned them off when we agreed 11"

i said "i didn't think of it, nor did you" if you knew interrupted sleep bothered you so much you should have anticipated this risk and said this

if I wanted to be overly considerate and "read your mind" which I am often doing and anticipating your needs for you, I would know to turn off my alarms because I would know that my alarms may bother you. and prior to this relationship, this is a consideration and care that I would have taken. in this relationship I have learnt that I must undo my next level hyper vigilance and need anticipation because you won't do the same and the more I do this and not get it in return is damaging my image of you

so i didn't do it either, both of us having the knowledge that I have 2 alarms

taking into even 30% account the aggressively unsafe past conversation it's reasonable for me not to be my normal level of overly considerate a standard to which i held myself to that I M in the process of undoing bc I have little to give and must manage my resources more efficiently

you paused and said 'i think I said that because of feelings I have underneath" or something to that effect

I did not understand the sentence specifically because the sentence used "feeling" instead of "other feelings" and this is the loudest thing I remember as to why I said "what" and you had to repeat what you said

you repeated "I think I said that because of other feelings inside of me"

and I said "what feelings"

you said "resentment"

and yesterday you gave me a wound where you accused me of something outrageously baseless and heartless

and I automatically also thought resentment bc I predicted that you would have been annoyed that you had to be awake and blamed me for it and then found something else to blame for your difficulties in waking up by pointing out that my alarms interrupted your sleep so your difficulties is my fault

I said "I also thought that" and something else I can't remember

and you said "I don't want to get into anything right now"

I said "I didn't ask you to" bc I didn't open the conversation up for it

you got defensive and said "yes you did" because literally i did but as a response

you started the fire but because i added to it thinking that you wanted the fire because you started it, you said that i started the fire because you only suggested a fire and i lit it

you opened the conversation(fire) by saying something that naturally prompts more questions

i asked these questions and instead of making it clear then that you weren't asking for a conversation, you responded and said something that would be hurtful (and you probably weren't even considering it because you went "I'm just innocently saying how I feel" even though deep down I'm well aware if my partner told me she resented me I would also be hurt)

so from my POV you've opened a conversation, I asked, you attacked me by telling me you resent me , and then when i tried to understand it you put up a wall and pushed me away

and when i pointed out that you were creating distance, you deflected that back on me and said that you had to create distance because i was pushing so that was my fault

and if I examine this and think about it deeply, you probably 1. realised what you said about the alarms was defensive, and said that you said that in response to an inner feeling realising it was wrong 2. voiced your negatively biased thoughts out loud without any consideration for how the words would be received 3. reactively got annoyed because you were asked to think about it and you didn't want to think about something negative about yourself bc that confirms your defectiveness wound so you lashed out at me instead, saying it's my fault you're feeling uncomfortable things

at the end of the day it's 2:58pm and you said 11am but you've done nothing to make that possible and blamed me for you not being able to 👍

#personal #;m

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