so that popularity poll huh

tiny.

VIGIL | 2.06

Catch them.

h-how do you ever finish any of your work? genuine question because you seem to be productive despite your agreste syndrome and I need to learn your ways. but also how do you ever finish any of your work

unclear. last night i stayed up and finished a report worth 25% of my grade at about 5am, arrived on time for my 9am lecture, and spent about half of it zoned out while thinking about seventeen year old emilie agreste. and i was one of the most active participants in the class discussion

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Okay so honestly I have been very very inconsistent over the years with just disappearing for periods of time due to various things 😂 So it probably seemed pretty normal to most people.

But it felt different on my side, so I'm excited to be back in business. I took a month long hiatus! 31 days of not drawing digital art. Its not something I talk about on here? But I've been suffering from some serious long term Art Burnout for.... a really really long time. Long enough that I should've taken a break probably years ago. It finally got so bad that I could barely draw. I was scared to do it (cause it always looked "bad" in my eyes [i'll come back to that]) and doing it was exhausting and disheartening.

I talked it over with somebody and realized that the fear and anger and frustration I felt towards my own artwork was uh. Not Normal or Healthy. And I finally committed to taking a real break for once.

I still drew a little bit by hand? Traditional art has always felt like it has lower stakes for me (i don't often share it online, and sometimes I don't even share it with friends) so I did some of that when I felt like it. But Digital art was completely off the table.

I had put such an immense pressure on myself to make my digital art perfect, to make as much of it as quickly as possible to satisfy something. It wasn't fun anymore. I'm proud of what i've made over the years! But for a long time now the stuff I've been making was made while hating every second of making it. With some rare exceptions.

I hated my art! It was a combination of Perfectionism, taking in too many external expectations, and the burnout. If you hate doing something its kinda hard to love it even when you want too lol. It wasn't "Bad" in the sense that the quality was low and it was ugly! It was "Bad" in the sense that it was unhealthy for me to keep doing it at that point in time.

I'm glad to report though, that with my hiatus officially over as of Wednesday last week: I am once again. In Love. With doing art, and being an artist :)

I put off taking a break for years cause I was scared that taking a break would mean that I would never achieve all the things I wanted to do with art. I was scared it was a stupid and lazy thing to do that would mean I'd never achieve my dreams. And Also even though I kinda hated drawing, I also loved making art. Its a weird duality that I can't even really explain??? I hated it but I also loved it. I wanted it but I also wanted to run from it. It wasn't until I was more mature and had more clarity and insight (and unfortunately also until the problems got worse) that I was finally able to let go of those fears and just do it.

And I'm really really glad I did. It was everything I needed. And I hope to strike a better balance in the future with art. Taking more breaks when I need them, or just when other things have my attention like reading or Video games (Some star rail got played during this time xD)

From the outside things probably aren't going to be that different?? At this point I don't really have any sure plans to post anything I've been drawing since my Hiatus ended. I might or I might not xD I'm still a hobbyist artist taking things at her own pace, but I hope that it shows how much happier I am :)

Whumptober 2023 is being officially put to rest by this post btw! I was in major burnout when that event started, and I'm ready to just, move on from all the past expectations I'd shoved on my shoulders. If I feel like filling any of the prompts or going back to any of the ideas I'd come up for it I will! But I'm not going to worry about doing it unless the desire sets in. Thanks to everybody who's been so kind to me throughout my time on here as an artist! Ya'lls tags and screaming and kind words, the fanfic, the asks and the responses? Its been fantastic :) You guys have made me laugh, smile, and cry tears of joy. I hope from here that things only get better and sweeter! And if I have bad days again, that's okay too.

Here's to 2024 and whatever it may bring ya'll :D 🎉🎉✨✨🧡💜

me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game

why did my teachers think it was okay to give us like one single weekend to finish all of our midterm projects and study for our tests.

The neurodivergent urge to be a little silly.. A little cringefail perhaps.. I will say "yippee" and "bestie" and "okiedokie" unironically!! I will allow myself to enjoy things that are considered weird and/or childish!!! I will instill fear within my coworkers and make them hyperaware of their own mortality for funsies!!! I will do as many hand flappy stims as I want in public and no one can stop me!!!! No more masking I am breaking my chains here and now!!!!!!

eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh

...

also i think i am having a bad allergic reaction to the mold in my office. there’s mold in my office btw

🧸🧃⛈️

Thinking about using the journal I got for writing my dad's eulogy for trying to process my grief with it. The letter from me I found in his lockbox is still in that front sleeve, along with one of the memorial folders they had at the funeral.

I think I don't want to write it all on here. I think I've talked about my emotions too much as of late.

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

Learning Judgement Cutting is making me see just How Freaking Much DMC5 camera is broken. In Intricate Detail. It also makes me constantly trying to stare at Vergil's ass, even tho his coat covers it but my eyes automatically train to see where the Yamato scabbard goes to try to line up the JC timing, and I get a)secondhand embarrassment at constantly doing this, b) freakin annoyed.

I love DMC5 I do, but how do you screw your camera so bad.

I understand this is me kind of whining, as I've seen what capable players can do in this game, and they aren't complaining. But you know what, I can and will, cause I'm a newbie to these games. The only way to make your newbie into a combomad is to give them tools and make them have fun while practising. I am having tons of fun practising, watch me do nothing in the Void for 40 mins, that's fine and honestly really fun, my problem is that the tool which I rely on for proper controls, aka camera, freakin sucks bad at its job. And the input controls for combos explicitly depend on this stupid camera to work.