i'm not blaming anyone because there's literally no way you could know but whenever people say "i'm shocked you aren't already a fan of/aware of this pop culture thing" it always makes me a bit sad because. yeah i guess i probably would have been if i'd been allowed to have interests and casual hobbies that weren't constantly scrutinized and only deemed acceptable if they contributed towards my future academic development as a kid. maybe if i'd been allowed to use a computer or phone without my parents constantly breathing down my neck about what i was using them for and punishing me and further restricting my access to the internet if they caught me seeking out any kind of social or recreational interaction there that wasn't pre-approved and regularly checked to ensure i wasn't saying or doing anything that didn't suit their traditional conservative nuclear family sensibilities (or just, like, having fun in a way they couldn't understand tbh). maybe i would have been able to just like. enjoy things. maybe i would have had friends.

dream smp high school au and what they'd teach:

i had to get it out of my system but i'm so happy with how these turned out

mr notfound: engineering (the engineering teacher never really teaches and kinda sits in his office but the entire school simps for him so there's always a teacher hanging with him. his curriculum is free form and an easy A but genuinely pretty damn fun)

mr. nap: gym (hes the nice gym teacher who says screw the pacer test and rope climbing and you guys just play basketball after running like 2 laps. he's super gullible and will let anyone sit out for any semblance of pain. that is until the film teacher comes into the gym, then he's a tryhard beating freshman up to make layups on lowered hoops)

mr. wastaken: physics (the coolest class that always does crazy expiriments with large falling objects and questionable usage of dry ice, people always think his experiments are fake but he'll be the first to give a class long lecture on why every single piece of his work is 100% accurate. there was this one incident when he used the engineering teacher to explain torque and it ended with mr. notfound being caught in his arms. there's pictures but he still denys it.)

mr. blade: advanced english lit (mr. blade has no time for freshmen and if he does like a frosh into his class they've gotta he the damn best. his class is based on old literature analysis and storytelling. his favorite unit being greek mythology. most of his assignments aren't just boring essays or stressful discussion. no one truly knows what mr. blades class is like until you've taken it, they're often heard chanting "blood for the blood god" before exams but the principal is yet to do anything about it.)

mr. awsamdude: comp sci/coding (sam is the teacher everyone adores, there's usually at least two people crying in his office before and after school but he always knows what will cheer them up! he tries to work closely with mr. notfound but he's busy with the physics prof so sam has gotten really close with his TA tubbo. they do all kinds of coding competitions and his class is known to be a safe haven for students of all kinds- "coding is for everyone!" he always chants)

ms. nihachu: art (known for the classroom with the best vibes niki insists on dropping the ms. and formalitys. she's the teacher with lofi playing and bean bags and couches in her beautifully decorated classroom. she has an open classroom meaning anyone can come in anytime and she is dedicated to making sure no one eats lunch alone. a couple times a year she goes on a huge rant about loving oneself and the value of not judging others, needless to say everyone adores her - especially the theatre kids as her class is constantly helping them with set design)

mr. soot: music/theatre (does he have a degree? unknown. does he teach anything besides music? couldnt tell ya. mr soot roams the halls during class hours that aren't his one choir period; popping into various classes to pretend to be a student or just all around goof off. his theatre program however, one of the best. he makes the most extravagant plays and musicals with barely any budget. after his show goes on he goes dark for like 2 weeks straight "recuperating" but no one questions because that kind of genius needs resting)

mr. frost: math (ant and red would TOTALLY teach math together and it would be so cute everyone would see them walk in and out of school together and ship them and their classroom would be a safe space for people to come out or even just hangout. ant would be a crazy good teacher who is understanding and not one of those asshole math teachers. he's the one everyone always wants to have haha)

mr. jacobs: film/freshman history (mr jacobs is the freshman heartthrob and senior best friend. he teaches film as history, film as lit, and frosh history - basically the easiest classes, but he makes them the most fun. in his lit classes they watch cartoons and search for literature similarities or historical evidence. in his history classes he goes on grand lectures often standing on tables to reenact his favorite history moments. occasionally he brings in his friends to re create a massive fight in front of all the history classes, it's scuffed but everyone always looks forward to them)

ms. puffy: head counselor (ms puffy is the sweetest soul and often is helping students with everything from their personal lives to college. she assigns the TA's and classrooms and works closely with mr minecraft to make the school as conducive of a learning environment as possible.)

mr. minecraft: the principal, the big man himself, mr fuckin minecraft. (he constantly looks sleep deprived and exhausted but he loves the students and teachers with his whole heart. he takes no shit from annoying parents or asshole students and is known to ban the entitled cruel students from all his favorite teachers classes, leaving them with the worst teachers. usually he can be found telling dream he can't have more money for explosives, begging wilbur to sleep and rest, and telling techno he's gonna have to teach a english 9 class eventually. that and dealing with his new TA's.)

our lovely teacher assistants:

ranboo: english TA (thought he was gonna get art with niki but puffy out him with the blade. originally he was terrified but he's growing on mr. blade with his deep analytical thoughts and similar dry humor. granted- he does have the most work of all the TA's because mr. blade makes him grade all the multiple choice tests, but he's really starting to love the english classroom.)

tubbo: comp sci TA (tubbo had been begging to be sam's TA since freshman year where he took almost all the coding classes in one year. plus, the computer science room is right next to the physics room in the science wing so he can pop over and see tommy all the time. tubbo and sam stay in the computer lab way later than philza should allow but they've made magnificent codes for the school. everytime tubbo points out he's graduating soon sam starts to tear up, but he knows tubbos gonna do big things, he's just gonna miss his goofy TA.)

tommy: physics TA (the pounding philza got on his office door when tommy didn't get wilbur was ground shaking. puffy and philza calmly explained that tommy has a knack for physics if he would just focus and genuinely learn from dream. "big D" as tommy calls him, wasnt jazzed either. their year as TA and teacher started rocky but dream would come to realize that tommy is more talented than he lets on and after speaking to wilbur and puffy he realized there was a damn good reason he was given tommy. he took it upon himself to turn tommy into the best student he could be. and tommy isn't one to back down from a fight. little did he know this year would be the best year yet.)

i'm so happy with this and i actually think i might expand it idkkkk :)))

Amy`s Halloween Surprise

Halloween was always Amy`s favorite holiday. Her and her brother always loved to dress up as their favorite cartoon and story book characters. When Amy was six she came up with an idea for  Halloween costumes that she knew her parents would love. The costume was carefully planned and thought out since that September. She had to make sure her parents didnt have a clue, while also enlisting some help from other adults.

The week before Halloween, the Rogers family sat in the kitchen for breakfast. Steve sat across from the high chair as he feed Amy`s little brother, Phillip. Phillip liked to play with his food more than to eat it. He laughed and babbled, while also throwing the food off of the high chair.

Steve groaned in exgustion as he picked up the toddler`s bowl from the ground and cleaned up the spilled food. This had been the fifth time this morning that the child had spilled his food. Steve got a new bowl and poured in some cherrios.

"Come on, phillip, please eat!" Steve plead with the baby, as he held a spoon full of cherrios to the baby.

The baby swung his arm and knocked the spoon out of his dad`s hand, Phillip then began to laugh.

“Peg!” Steve shouted. “Your turn!”

Peggy stood at the doorway with Amy.

“You have everything for school, love?” Peggy asked.

“Yeah, mom. I`m all set.”

Peggy kissed her daugther`s head and then hugged her softly.

Amy turned away from her mother and began to walk out the door and down the porch steps.

“Amy!” Peggy called out.

Amy turned and looked back at her mother.

“ Halloween is in a few days and you havent told me what costume I should make you.” Peggy complained. “You said you wanted to do a special costume with your brother, but If you dont pick something soon I might not be able to make it for you in time.”

“We already got the costumes done. Dont worry about it.” She told her.

Peggy laughed.

“How is that-?”

“Dont worry about it,” Amy repeated. “Its a surprise! You and dad are gonna love it!”

Peggy smiled and rolled her eyes.

The day before Halloween, Amy raced off the bus. Instead of going straight home, as usual, she made a stop at the neighbors house. The home of an old woman name Edna, who was a friend of the family. Edna lived alone. Her children and grandchildren lived in another state and often didnt find the time to visit. Steve and Peggy welcomed the old woman into their family. They helped her when she needed chores done or a ride somewhere. They also ended up welcoming her to family functions and holidays.

Amy knocked on the door excitedly. When Edna answered and saw the child, a big smile grew upon the old woman`s face. Amy hugged the old woman`s waist. Then looked up at her with a huge grin.

“Hi Aunt Edna, Are the costumes ready?”

the woman chuckled.

“Of course they are, just like i promised.” Edna spoke as she patted the child`s head.

Edna ushered the child into the house. Then Edna began to make herself and Amy some hot chocolate, knowing they both shared a sweet tooth. Amy sat across from Edna, Amy kicked her feet back and forth excitedly under the table. 

 "Nobody is going to have the same costumes as me and Phillip, so we will win the school costume contest for sure!” Amy boasted. “Our costumes will be the most creative and the coolest ever! You always make the best clothes aunt Edna. Remember the dress you made me for Christmas? I wore it to the school dance and everyone said it was the most beautiful dress they ever seen."

“Your mother had mentioned that when she was over last week.” Edna replied.

Edna smiled, it felt good to be a appreciated, to feel needed. Her family was all grown up and they didnt see a use for her anymore.Since she was no longer helpful, her family saw no use in spending time with her. Never call, never visit...they were always too busy. The rogers family was never too busy for her, they always came running anytime she asked for help. It went both ways though, if they needed someone to watch the kids or help with recipe or advice Edna was there for them. 

"Then one year you made me a sweater with a Dalmatian on it and that got a lot of compliments too." Amy rambled on. “Oh and the doll you made me with the red hair? My friend said it looked just like the ones in the store only nicer.”

Edna sat down with two hot chocolates.

"Where does your mother think you are?" Edna questioned.

"Dont worry she knows im here” Amy shrugged.  “I told mom that we should make peanut butter cookies. I made sure that we made too many, then as expected she told me to bring the extra over for you. She knows peanut butter is your favorite." Amy goes into her back pack, at her side, then pulled out a box of homemade cookies.

Edna chuckled.

Amy pulled off the lid of the cookie box and took a cookie.

"Before I forget," Edna spoke as reached into her pocket. " I wanted to give you the pictures you gave me back. Now that i finished the costumes, I figured you would want them back."

Edna placed the photos on the table. One was a photo of Peggy, dressed in a blue long sleeve dress. She wore red high heeled shoes and a bright red hat. The other photo was of Steve dressed in his captain America uniform, from back in the war.

"So why dress up as them for Halloween? And why these outfits?" Edna asked.

"Mamma and daddy are my heros. I wanna be just like them someday!” Amy announced. “As tough and smart like mom, but also kind and creative like dad." Amy picked up the picture of her mother. "This one is on her first day of work. She fights bad guys and solves crimes! Mom says she was the only girl on the team, but she was smarter and a better fighter than them all!"

Edna smiled. That didn't surprise her she knew Peggy used to be a solider and she was told that Peggy was a cop now. She could only imagine the kind of hardships and discrimination she must of through in her field just for being a woman. Edna once saw Peggy fight off a burglar who tried to broke into Edna home, Edna couldn't believe the type of fighting skills she had.

"Dad was chosen to be apart of a special program in the war were he was....i mean got to work with Captain America."

"Steve was Captain America?" Edna shouted in shock, as she took the picture and looked more closely at it.

"No no no I said he worked with him!! That's what I meant! Don't tell dad, I wasnt supposed to tell anyone!"

Edna chuckled. "Your secret is safe with me, Amelia." She stood up and walked over to the child to hug her. She then kissed her head.

"Your parents are extraordinary people. Not just because of the things they have done in their careers. They are so kind to everyone they meet and they always do the right thing. They even showed kindness to a lonely hag like me. I had no one before your family moved here, my family forgot me. Your parents welcomed me into your family. They pick up groceries for me and help me with the chores i cant do myself around the house. I know it doesn't seem like much but it means the world to me, to have friends... To have a family again." Amy hugged Edna's waist.

"You will always be family, aunt Edna." Amy told her. "You mean a lot to us too. Mom doesn't trust most people, but she trust you. I trust you too, there's a lot of moms on the block who know how to sew and stuff well. I asked you cause I knew you would keep my secret. Plus this gave me an excess to spend time with you."

"Darling, you don't need an excuse to visit, you can come over whenever you like."

After spending dome time with Edna she took the costumes home for the next day. Halloween came and Amy woke up early and got in her costume. She tried to wake up her brother and quietly put him in his costume but that didnt work out to well. She stood on a chair and tried to lift the baby out of his cradle. The baby cried loudly waking up Steve and Peggy. The two rushed into the room and ran to the cradle. Peggy grabbed the child from her daughter.

"Amelia Sarah Rogers what on earth are you doing!?" Peggy yelled. .

"You know your not allowed to hold Philip unless you are with an adult." Steve reprimanded. "You could have dropped him!"

"I just wanted to get him in his Halloween costume, before you guys woke up." Amy told them. "I wanted it to be a surprise."

Steve noticed the Captain America costume in the cradle and then took notice of Amy outfit, of which she was dressed like her mother.

"That doesn't mean you get to break the rules!" Peggy told her daughter. "Babies are very fragile and whatever surprise you have could have waited! We have rules for a reason, Amy!”

"Im sorry, i just wanted to do something special for you guys!" Amy answered as she pouted with sad expression on her face. "The school decided this year, us kids, were supposed to dress up as there favorite heroes for the school costume parade and I choose you guys. No one else can even compare to how awesome you guys are! I heard all the stories you guys were like unstoppable and so cool! You guys always defeated the bad guy and mom still saves world and keeps it safe everyday. What makes it even better is that I to be your kid and spend everyday together and we can create our own adventures.”

Peggy looked over to Steve, her heart touched by her Daugherty words.They both shared a proud grin and Steve picked up his daughter. He kissed her cheek and she hugged his neck.

"Your dad and I are your favorite heroes?" Peggy asked in shock.

Amy nodded. Peggy kissed Amy`s head.

“You are the sweetest child.” Peggy told her. “You never stop amazing me!”

Forgiveness Doesnt Live Here Anymore Part 1

I think I'm incapable of forgiveness. As I go thru talk therapy, I'm sounding like I will never move past my childhood. I have growing anger for both my parents that seemed to get worse until i made the decision to cut them both from my life. In reality I should have been done with my father first because my earliest childhood memories involve so much abuse that I never can remember any good times with my family. My dad loved to beat up people. Quite often. As far back as I can remember, he hit us on a regular basis. I was 4, sitting in the back seat of the car. A song was playing on the radio that I heard all the time and knew every word. Only problem was a cuss word. "Hell" I loved that song right up until I felt a burning sensation across my cheek and left thigh. He had reached back and smacked me twice. By the time we reached our home, the blood had dried under my nose and my leg was bruised. I dont remember my mother even moving in the passenger seat. In the 80's there wasn't alot for me to do. We lived in a trailer house in the country so I remember regular parties and fights. I watched my dad drag a man's face across our metal grated porch steps repeatedly. It left behind blood and pieces of flesh on the steps and my mother hosed it off the next morning. A majority of his violent bursts were aimed at my mother. I would be sitting on the living room floor eating my lunch and watching cartoons and realized they were fighting in the kitchen. His hands were around her throat, choking her over the kitchen sink. At that point finally realized why the tv always remained at high volumes. He was attempting to drown out all the screaming and slapping. At night I was so scared of my bed. It shook and kept me awake. He would burst in my room and spank me with random objects for not going to sleep. I was so young and unable to tell him that the fan they kept in my room blew so hard that it shook my bed and I thought there was a monster trying to get me. When I got older, it only got worse. He became extremely controlling. I wasnt allowed to stay the night with friends, or go anywhere with anyone. He always wanted to be sure he could see me at all times. When he was gone, my mother would let me go outside but I had to be sure I was back before he returned. The closer i got to high school the harder it was for him but it never stopped him from screaming at me, calling me stupid on a regular basis and throwing things. I consistently hid my friendships out of fear because the only ones I was allowed to associate with were the ones who's parents he was friends with. By the time I was old enough to drive my parents were finally calling it quits in their marriage. My mother moved out and leaves me with him. Why??!?!! After that I just started learning how to lie. Anything to keep from having to go home after school every day. Detention, afterschool help with homework. ANYTHING! Just please dont make me go home. During the split, my dad got a girlfriend. A stripper with 2 kids. With his focus on the new girlfriend, I took those kids with me everywhere. Now I had a little more freedom and to date, those kids are the best thing to come from it all. I consider them my siblings. We spent many nights huddled on my bed reading books while they fought in the next room after being out all night drinking. I feel bad for feeling relieved that the focus was no longer on me and was shocked later to find out that my mom had joined the party. Now the 3 of them had this thing going on and my friends were weirded out by it. When I finally graduated high school it didnt take long and I was pregnant. I moved out and tried to keep the kids with me as much as possible. All the fighting between them caused many break ups and the girlfriend was bouncing back and forth between my dad and my mom. The kids called me one night scared so I rushed over to get them. When I showed up at the house, it was in shambles. Objects had been thrown all over the house, shattered into pieces and some broken windows. Everyone was gone.