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anxietycalling · 3 years

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how i spent my summer vacation

Or, where the fuck have I been these literal years? (I can’t believe it’s been years.)

I feel like I need to, at some point, talk about everything that happened between now and the point where I dropped off the face of the earth. And, like, actually talk, not that thing I do where I make a joke out of everything. So... I’m doing this up front, so if anyone actually still follows my shitshow of a life, you know what you’re getting yourself into before it’s too late.

Okay. Where to start.

Um, obviously, after the 2016 election I gtfo’d the US. Because I couldn’t legally work in the US at that point, I had pretty much no savings and no money because every dollar I did get went to supporting me and Dash because of the absolute nightmare that happened there. I’m not... mad at her anymore, not quite - I recognize that a lot of actions on both sides were the result of severe, untreated trauma and mental illness, so it’s hard to look at either of us and say that someone was the villain there. It’s hard to recognize when you’re in survival mode that your actions are self-destructive. But, anyway, because of that, I had no choice other than to move in with my parents. Which many of you are aware is not the healthiest choice for me mentally or physically.

And, again, it’s not that my parents are bad people. They’re good people who are trying their best, but there are two factors that lead to me living with them being a terrible idea. 1) My mother has a lot of unprocessed intergenerational trauma due to mental illness that she is still dealing with, and 2) Neither of my parents have ever lived in an urban center, which lends itself to a specific mindset when it comes to dealing with mental illness and LGBTQ+ issues. Which is to say, it’s hard to have a regular dating or sex life when everyone knows your business while your parents are simultaneously trying to pretend you don’t have genitals that they’re uncomfortable with. Also, I didn’t have my license at the time because I let it expire before getting my permanent one, so I was pretty much at the mercy of whoever could drive me places. (I lived in cities before that, so not driving was never much of an issue. I am highly proficient in public transit.)

So living with my parents was this precarious balancing act of trying to do everything they wanted me to do, because they were letting me live there for free, and meeting the demands of my bosses (who immediately demoted me once they found out I wasn’t planning on living there forever), and trying to have a social life outside of my family. And, like, I had just come out of the closet, so I was also trying to date without my parents finding out, because, like? It gets exhausting trying to explain why you have a right to exist and love who you want to love and I tend to get defensive when I feel like I have to justify myself. But all that secrecy really wears on you. I think in the worst of it I was probably sleeping 3-5 hours a night between the anxiety, having to walk or wait for rides everywhere, and staying up late enough after my parents went to sleep to try to meet guys on dating apps.

Dating apps when you live in a rural area are the worst. Not only is there a limited dating pool to begin with, it sucks when someone ghosts you and then re-signs up for the same dating app using a fake name and you catch them at it. I get it to some extent; people are afraid of being outed, even if on paper we’re one of the premier retirement destination for gay couples near Toronto. (Read: affluent, white, cis gay men.) It’s gotten better in the last couple of years, but... Yeah, there just was nothing for me there.

Obviously I had to widen my perimeter for who I was willing to date, and that’s how I met Husband. Completely by accident. My phone provider was out one day, so I didn’t get any messages from anyone for almost 24 hours while I was figuring that out. His message to me was one of the ones that got pushed through when my phone service restored itself. (I still, to this day, don’t know why or how this happened.) And there was nothing there that was inherently like, “Hey, you’re going to date and then marry this guy,” other than the fact that he actually put effort into his message instead of sending “hey” over and over again to get a response. But he was funny, and he was charming, and we fell for each other really quickly. Pretty soon all my money (which, again, limited, because the awful ladies I worked for decided I wasn’t leadership material even though they gave me no training or direction, ever) was going to taking the train here pretty much every time I had a day off from work. And I was lying to my parents about it, because they decidedly do not like or approve of dating apps or internet friendships in general.

Something happens in relationships where one or both of you are chronically ill. There comes a sink-or-swim moment in the relationship where you either step up and deal with the shit that happens, or you realize you can’t handle the intensity or uncertainty of it, and you gtfo. And... obviously, I chose the first option. Pretty much immediately after my first visit (as in, I was still on the train) Husband calls me, because his doctors are afraid that he has cancer. I go home, work exactly one day and turn the fuck around and go back so we can meet with the hematologist and find out whether he has bone cancer, Jesus fuck. Thankfully, it turned out that he didn’t; it’s something that comes up a lot because he doesn’t have a spleen and that, apparently, makes it look like you’re dying a whole lot. We ended up moving in together a month later because living at my parents was making me suicidal, which isn’t the greatest love story of all time, I know, but I had wanted to move out anyway and living with him was a much better option than random roommates.

I didn’t talk to my mother for... a month and a half, after I moved out. She kept trying to contact my friends on Facebook one day and I was ready to freak out on her for being controlling or something. Turns out, my biological father died. At the time, I was calm. Like, I wasn’t surprised - he had nearly died of alcohol-induced cardiac failure before I moved to the US, and it’s not like he had done anything to make his situation better - but it turns out I was actually in shock, I guess. The whole situation was fucking terrible; not because he died but because it kind of cemented that my only value to his side of the family was being “the only granddaughter” and not that they gave a shit about me as a person. They misgendered me in his obituary; they spelled my brother’s girlfriend’s name wrong.

I think the worst part is that they tried to make his celebration of life thing about how great he was as a person, though. And, like, I’m sorry, but great people don’t molest their children, or their children’s girlfriend. They don’t have sex in front of their children with their children’s physical abuser. They don’t make their teenage child in charge of being the sober adult when they want to go drinking. They don’t let their partner physically abuse their child when that child tries to get them both help for their drinking. They don’t trap their kid on a boat for a week with a creepy adult male stranger and freak the fuck out when that child has their first anaphylactic reaction to a novel food 20 kilometers from land or the nearest hospital. They don’t call that child on their birthday every year to remind them what a woman they are and always will be when they were the first fucking parent I came out to.

Actually, no - the worst part of him dying was that I had to deal with his hellbeast girlfriend afterward, because apparently there was money for me in an RESP that he had never cashed, but all that got me was a shady financial representative who repeatedly wanted my mother and me to break the law over it. Like, my mom got her lawyer involved and everything, and once the legal letterhead came out the financial dude dropped off the face of the earth, stopped answering my calls and I never got my thousand pity dollars.

And, like, things were okay for a little while after that because Husband and I were close with our roommates up until the point where it became clear that one of them had severe, untreated borderline personality disorder. I’ve lived with someone with BPD before; I’ve lived with a hoarder before. I was not prepared for the level of hoarding that this woman could produce. Or just, like, generally weird and shitty behavior and refusal to seek treatment for her condition. We tried everything we could think of, but ultimately we had to have secret meetings outside our house with our other roommate (who was dating her at the time) to figure out what to do with her. The things we found out... I’ve never wanted to genuinely harm a person before. Because she had been r*ping our roommate for months, and convincing them we didn’t want to be their friend, and using all their money because she wouldn’t go to work or apply for welfare or do the bare minimum required to be a human being. We had to get her removed by the police (who I do not advise contacting unless there is genuinely no other options) and the police acted like it was a typical roommate squabble even though we had fucking proof. So, anyway, we had to contact hell roommate’s parents and sister, and do all the packing to get her shit out of our house.

I will add that there were a few golden months right after hell roommate moved out. We got very close with remaining roommate, and it was nice, but then they started dating their current boyfriend and it just got... uncomfy for everyone somehow? They never outright said they were dating him, it was weird, one day they were like “Hey, I have a friend coming over!” and then he was just... there all the time? And they never told us they were dating? And, like, I’m happy for them, they’re great together and genuinely like each other, but it was weird. It was uncomfortable when we had to have the “We want to move out” conversation, too, because originally we had wanted to move to a bigger place with all of us, but ultimately we ended up keeping the apartment.

So that should have been fine, right? Especially since they moved in with one of Husband’s friends. Except that that friend turned out to be secretly awful and took advantage of everyone around them, and accused good roommate of being secretly racist and a bunch of other stuff that wasn’t true. (Trust me, good roommate would rather sever their left leg than do something that would hurt someone’s feelings.) And, like, I’m sorry, but you can’t use your master’s degree in social work to push around people who you know freeze during confrontations and have memory issues due to trauma, and then turn around and lead healing from trauma workshops. No. You’re a garbage human being who deserves to step on a thousand Lego. (Legos? Anyway.)

OH. Right. Before that, I had surgery. I had surgery and then pretty much the day we got home from that, the pandemic happened. At the beginning of it, good roommate and a woman who would later become one of our best friends came to stay with us because, again, horrific garbage pile of a human being in their house. Recovering from surgery took forever - I still don’t have feeling back 100% in my chest - but thankfully I was better enough by the time they moved to be somewhat helpful there. (They were incredibly smart and hired movers. We were pretty much there because we had just bought a car and could move breakable stuff.)

Ugh. God. Sorry, I have to jump back to 2018 for a second, which is when I was diagnosed with OCD. Like, officially, I mean. It was probably pretty obvious to everyone who wasn’t me, but I always kind of thought that since I wasn’t on My Mom-level germophobic, there was no way I could have it. Uh! Turns out! Normal people don’t cry when a garbage bag that is clearly about to be taken outside touches the floor while they are putting their shoes on to take said garbage bag outside. So... I take pills now. And go to therapy. Which is very expensive. But, yeah, my symptoms were pretty fuckin’ bad then. And continued to be bad - like, bad enough that I had to quit my job in 2019 because my bosses weren’t taking it seriously enough or even listening to me. (It’s Mcdonald’s, it’s chill, they ruin or fire all their best employees.)

Okay. Back to now. Pandemic! School! Suffering through all my pre-requisites so I can take actual interesting classes! Somewhere in there we started watching Twitch streams - I think it was because Husband found out Felicia Day streamed, and he loves her, and it kind of spiraled from there? But anyway, I somehow ended up part of this weird, delightful community that’s genuinely nice and non-trollish, and now I stream sometimes. Or attempt to stream. Or attempt to keep a regular schedule. It’s nice, though, to feel like there’s someone to hang out with when you pretty much can’t leave your house. There’s a sense of normality to being in a place at a specific time and seeing specific people. And Twitch has given me a lot of ideas on research topics I’d like to pursue in grad school.

Like I said, it’s been a pretty mixed bag. There have been some really bad parts, but there’s a lot of good stuff that happened too. I just. I miss Old Me a lot, lately. I miss who I was before all the trauma. (I mean, obviously not all the trauma, because I don’t miss being a literal child, but like... 18-23 or so.)

I think this might be the most I’ve written outside of a school context in actual years. Part of me keeps thinking about adding in APA formatting, but uh. You can’t really cite something when it’s just memories inside your own head. Anyway. I need to work on liking myself more, and working through some of the baggage that goes with trauma, and... I don’t know. It’s nice to have an outlet that’s not my husband or my cats. (Again, Husband is awesome, Husband is amazing, but we’re around each other 24/7 right now. I think he deserves a break sometimes.)

So... Yep. Thanks, if you made it this far. I promise not all my posts are going to be like this. I just figured, if you were going to stick around, you probably deserved to know what happened while I was gone.

#personal

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1157

survey by hxcsingingsk8r

Phone Scavenger Hunt

First off, what phone do you have? I have an iPhone 8.

And what provider do you use? It’s a local one you wouldn’t know about, called Globe.

How long have you had your current phone? I can’t remember if it would be 3 or 4 years this 2021. Either way, it’s definitely been a while and I’ve been itching to upgrade. It’s too early to make such a big purchase, though.

Do you have any cases for it? Describe them. I have a clear case that I bought last year. Before that, I had a pink Otterbox case that I managed to destroy even though Otterbox is normally known for its durability. I just have a very unique ability to wreck everything I’ve ever owned lol.

How old were you when you got your first cellphone? I was technically 6, but it was meant to be a present for my 7th birthday. We threw a birthday party a month in advance because my dad had to fly back abroad for work before my actual birthday, but we wanted him to be present at the celebration so we decided throwing a party early was the best route.

What about your first smartphone? [If the answer is different] It was an iPhone 5S.

How old are you now? Dunno what this has to do with the theme of the survey but I am now 22.

Okay, move onto the scavenger hunt part

What is your lock screen picture of? It’s of Kim Seon Ho at a restaurant, lmao.

Home screen? It’s one of the shots from a recent promotional photoshoot Hayley did for Good Dye Young.

How many pictures are thre currently on your phone? This question just made me so anxious hahaha. I have way too many photos; and upon checking, it turns out I currently have 6,266. My god do I need to clean up my camera roll this weekend.

How many videos? I have 227. I have no idea it’s gotten to be this many; I barely use my phone to take videos. I’ll go ahead and delete some of them right now, just to give my phone (and its storage) space to breathe.

What is your most recent picture of? It’s a work thing...I guess I’ll explain it so it can make more sense. So one of our clients has got this Lent campaign going on, and to spread word about it we’ve tapped a handful of food bloggers to try out the offers themselves and post about their experience on social media. Now that we’re in the middle of Holy Week they’ve gone ahead and uploaded their own posts, and I’m in charge of taking screenshots so I can show to the client that the execution had been successful.

And the most recent video? It’s a private vlog. Every Sunday, or at least every other Sunday I take a few minutes to sit down and do a weekly video thing where I talk about my ~mental~ and ~emotional~ status, and it’s basically a way to be in touch with myself and keep track of my progress. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually get to uploading them one day.

Do you have any albums? If so, of what? Yeah. I have one for Cooper, one for Kimi, and a bunch of tiny albums I’ve made where I compiled 4–5 photos of friends to post on their birthdays.

What pictures have you favorited? I have a lot of favorited photos. There’s no required category for me to label them as such.

Do you have any shared albums with friends or family or work? No. I’m not sure if I can do that, or how to do it if it is allowed.

Do you have any alarms set? For what time and for what occasions? I have a bunch of alarms but only because they’re archived into the Clock app and I just haven’t gotten around to deleting them. When I was still new at my work, I used to have alarms set for certain work tasks I have to take note of every week – but now that I’ve gotten into the groove of things, I don’t need the alarms to be reminded about them anymore.

Check your weather app, what is the weather and temperature where you live? It says ‘Mostly Clear’ and shows a temperature of 26ºC.

Do you have the YouTube app? Do you have your own channel? I do have the app and my own account, but I never use it to post videos. It’s nice to have my own channel so that my homepage can be tailored to my interests.

Do you have an email app? Which one do you use? I just have the default Email app that comes with iOS, but I never use it because it’s so wonky. It doesn’t refresh new emails and it takes forever when it does, and it doesn’t always show the full thread of email conversations. If I absolutely need to check my email for something I usually have to pull out my laptop.

Does it say that there is an update available on your phone or any apps? Yes, it reminds me everyday hahaha. I don’t update unless Apple has been planning a big revamp with new features, though; and if the updates are just to address bugs, I disregard the reminders.

Go into your contacts, how many contacts do you have total? It says I have 178.

Name all of your contacts under the letter M: Feels a tad bit invasive, so I’ll just name five people I have under M: Lui, Kim, Patrice, Danika, and Andi.

Name all of your contacts under the letter U: I don’t have anyone under U.

Do you have any contacts that are businesses rather than people? Which ones? No, I don’t really use text to contact businesses. If I wanted to inquire or order from one, I usually head to their social media page.

Go into your notes, how many notes do you have saved? This is another one I have a hoarding problem with lol. My phone says I currently have 561 notes, though I’m fairly certain the biggest chunk of it comes from minutes I’ve taken down from work meetings. It was a whole lot less when I was still in school.

What kinds of things do you save in your notes? Like I said, I use Notes for taking down minutes from meetings. There are also a few surveys on there, from times I didn’t have internet and couldn’t post them on here.

Do you have any voice memos saved? What of? Yep. Some of them were recordings I had to do for journalism classes I was assigned to do voiceovers; some are interviews, also from my journ class; and the rest are of me rambling.

Do you ever use the calculator app? Pretty frequently for work.

Do you ever use the Maps app? Not really. If I needed directions, I would check out Waze for that.

Do you have any health/fitness apps? Which ones? I still have the Nike Training app from the very brief time I wanted to start working out earlier this year.

Do you have the Instacart app? The what now? I’ve never even heard of that.

What about a delivery service like Postmates, Uber Eats, Grubhub, Doordash? I have the McDelivery app for McDonald’s, but I also have other general delivery apps like Grab, Lalamove, and Transportify.

Do you have something like Venmo, Cashapp, or Paypal? I have the Paypal app but I never use it. I also have a couple of e-wallet apps just in case I’d have to use them as a payment method, since some businesses I purchase from prefer certain ones. Ultimately, though, I use Grab’s mobile wallet the most often.

Do you use Bitmoji? I think I did before? I never used it all that regularly though. Didn’t see the point.

What other keyboards do you use besides English? Any? Filipino, Korean, and Emoji.

Which social media network apps do you have? Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr, TikTok, and Snapchat. So I guess I have all the main ones?

If you have Instagram, what is your handle and how many followers? I have a very private one I only use for work. I didn’t want it to have any followers but at present there’s Angela (because she asked to follow it this week) and Bea (idk why).

What do you typically post on the various social media platforms? The only ones I regularly post on are Twitter and Facebook, and on either I share life updates (if there are any) and memes; though on Facebook I have to watch out what kind of memes I share and make sure they aren’t too offensive because I’m friends with relatives, workmates, and media on there lmao. But on Twitter, I basically have no filter.

Do you make TikTok videos? I don’t make any myself, but I do enjoy going through the app.

Do you only add people you know on Facebook? Yes, for the most part. I’ve taken to adding people as long as they’re from UP or my high school even though I’ve never met them as well, but if I sense that they only added me to try and sell me insurance OR try to get me into MLM, then it’s an instant unfriend for me.

Do you have an app that tracks Instagram followers? No, because I don’t need to track my Instagram followers. I’m off the radar as off the radar gets.

Do you have a Snapchat? Yeah, it’s still on my phone just because but I literally never touch it anymore.

Do you ever take selfies with filters? What app's filters do you use? Eh, just before. I don’t really take selfies anymore, period.

Do you use any apps like Depop or Poshmark or Etsy? No. Out of these three I’ve only ever heard of Etsy, too.

What messengers do you use to talk to people? Any besides just texting? I have Messenger to stay in touch with family and friends; Whatsapp and Viber for work; and Telegram just in case my friends want to play games.

Do you have any photo editing apps? Which ones? I have this app called Foodie that has some pretty filters. Otherwise, since I’m not on Instagram anyway I’m never on the lookout for photo editing apps; no one ever filters their photos on Facebook and Twitter lol.

Do you have any games? Which ones? I do have a ton of games on my phone. I never play any of them, but I keep them just in case I get bored enough to start revisiting them. I have word games, drinking games, games similar to Heads Up! where one person will have to guess the word on the screen while the phone is on their forehead, and gimmicky games like 1010! and Candy Crush haha.

Do you have any rideshare apps like Lyft or Uber? I have Grab, which is a rideshare, parcel delivery, food delivery, and online grocery app all in one.

Now go to the actual phone app, whose phone numbers are saved as favorites? I don’t tag any of my contacts as favorites.

Who was your most recent outgoing call to? I can’t recognize the number, so it was probably a Transportify driver that I called to give him directions to my house.

Who was your most recent incoming call from? I also can’t recognize the number, but this time he was most likely a Grab driver.

Who was your most recent missed call from? Again, can’t recognize the number HAHAA

Why did you miss that call? On purpose? Were you sleeping? Busy? My phone is on silent 24/7, so I must have missed it while I was working.

Who is your most recent voicemail from and what's it regarding? We don’t have voicemail in the Philippines.

What was the last thing you Googled or searched on your phone? Candle tunneling and how to fix it.

What music app do you use? Apple Music? Spotify? Something else? I use Spotify, but I also availed of a 3-month trial on Apple Music earlier this year just because. I think it’s supposed to end soon but I have no plans to shift.

What playlists have you made on there? I have playlists called, “robyn discovers kpop,” “winding down,” “angst,” “not my loss,” and my personal favorite, “paramore but fuck you.”

Lastly, what is the most recent song/album you've added to your collection? What Type of X - Jessi.

#survey #surveys

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jessgartner · 3 years

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2020 Life Olympics

The real Olympics may have been canceled in 2020 but the Life Olympics persevered like the postal service of Olympics.

First, I’d like to apologize for my role in the chaos of 2020 because I think I had a slight miscommunication with the powers that be and I feel partly responsible. Here was my plan for 2020:

My theme for 2020 is Intention because I want to take the energy I feel right now and deploy it with more intentionality next year - bringing increased mindfulness to how I spend my time, money, physical and mental energy. And because I love wordplay, I also literally want to spend more time camping “in-tent” to enjoy more peace and quiet and beauty in nature.

The universe was like, “Oh, she wants to spend less money and more time outside? Well, shut it down. Shut the whole planet down.”

I mean, mission accomplished, I guess? I did spend less money and more time outside and had to be VERY intentional with my mental energy to survive the day-to-day morass of 2020. Next time, I will be more specific with my annual manifestations. Sorry to all.

2020 was brutal for pretty much everything and everyone. I don’t know anyone who isn’t in some state of grief right now, including myself. I debated doing a Life Olympics at all this year, feeling like-- what is the point? Hundreds of thousands of people died, our democracy is hanging on by a thread, and millions of people lost jobs, businesses, and homes.

Like many people, I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression this year which intensified as it got darker and colder outside. At a low point, I talked with my therapist about the struggle of just not wanting to do any of the things that usually bring me joy-- and how periods of relief were so fleeting. “But you have to keep doing those things,” she said, “even if they’re not working right now, you have to keep doing those things and trust the process; the joy will return.”

So even though I don’t really feel like it and kind of feel like it’s dumb, I’m writing the 2020 Life Olympics. I’m trusting the process.

2020 Life Olympics Recap

Work - Participation Trophy

Starting a company is hard, operating a company is harder, but running a company during a global pandemic and economic crisis is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. 2020 was not a fun year to lead a business; it was hell. On March 15, the plan for the year pretty much went out the window and everything went into survival mode. I never take the company or my team for granted, but I’m particularly grateful to be able to usher this work into 2021.

Despite the craziness, we still had some big wins this year. We launched new product partnerships with PowerSchool and Amazon Business. We rebuilt our tool for equitably calculating district funding formulas. And I got to flex my creative muscles with EdFinToks! Throughout it all, I was lucky enough to be surrounded by a team of people who are as compassionate as they are talented.

I’m worried about public education more than ever after this year, but I’m going to keep fighting every day to make it work better for kids.

This is Work-Lite but I also spent a good chunk of time this year leading the modernization workgroup for Bill Henry’s transition committee after his spring primary election to become the new Baltimore City Comptroller, ousting a 25-year incumbent, Joan Pratt. This was an enlightening (and infuriating) experience for me that gave me a glimpse into the operations of a segment of the City government. This process also really helped crystallize how much I enjoy making public agencies function more efficiently; I’m excited to see what Bill does with the recommendations (some are already being put in action!)

Health - Gold

This is the second year in a row (and ever) that I’m giving myself a Gold medal for Health. This was easily a year that I could have regressed on all of my healthy habits and no one would have blamed me. Instead, I leaned into protecting and improving my physical and mental health in 2020. It’s not an exaggeration to say that walking probably saved my life this year. I spent a lot of time walking around my neighborhood and various state and city parks-- walking is maybe not the best word; I stomp and charge around like I have a score to settle with the ground beneath me. My walking increased 370% in 2020. This is a habit of 2020 that I’d like to keep. My brain and body are happier if I can spend a little time walking-- stomping-- around outside each day.

I also did a lot of biking this summer. My cycling increased 200% this year-- with much more time spent cycling outdoors. My crowning achievement this year was biking to and from Annapolis:

I spent a LOT more time outside this year which was critical for my mental health. On the downside, I only did 90% as much yoga and 60% as much strength training, so I want to try to be a little more balanced next year.

I also invested a lot in my mental health this year. I kept up with therapy every 2-4 weeks and in October I decided to pursue a formal diagnosis for ADHD which I definitely have! Needless to say, staying in one place this year has been a special kind of hell for me.

Home - Silver

Well, I definitely spent less money this year. And the way I did spend money made me (mostly) sad:

Travel down 70%

Auto & Transportation up 200% (boo cars)

Shopping down 60%

Personal Care down 35%

Gifts and donations up 200%

Food and Dining down 40%

Entertainment down 35% (I kept up my singing lessons virtually which accounts for a lot of this category)

2020 was quite the palate cleanser from my 2019 year of hedonism but maybe we can go for a happy medium in 2021? Just kidding-- I will resume my hedonist ways the minute the world opens.

I also redid my home office like every other work-from-homer on the planet and replaced my crumbling kitchen floor so the house got some TLC.

But nobody enjoyed having me home all year as much as Darwin:

Relationships - Bronze

What a weird year for relationships of all kinds. I’m giving this a Bronze because while I invested a lot into a few relationships this year, there are also a lot of people in my life to whom I haven’t been able to give my time and love.

One of the most important relationships in my life this year was with one of my former students. After bouncing around in the foster system for many years, we reconnected around the holidays in 2019 and he started crashing with me while we tried to figure out stable housing and employment. He was arrested in January and was incarcerated for the next several months awaiting trial. Finally, we were able to negotiate a plea agreement with the State’s Attorney and he came home around Independence Day. We spent the next several months getting him set up with a phone and various identification documents-- a nightmare in normal times and a total abyss during the pandemic. I got him registered to vote when we got his ID card and I took him to vote for the first time (a supreme treat for this former social studies teacher):

He’s now got a full-time job and stable living situation. Calling this THE success of 2020. Thank you to everyone who helped me with resources all year for housing, legal processes, and documents. It takes a village.

It was a bizarre year for family. We lost my grandmother in September, so not being able to spend the holidays together felt like an especially cruel loss. Other big losses this year include a trip to France to celebrate a milestone birthday for my mother and my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding (Mosby seemed pretty ok with the alternative plan, though):

But in many ways, my family has been more together than ever this year thanks to prolific group chats and photo-sharing. Mostly, I’m just glad everyone else is safe and healthy. As my father often reminds me, “Our problems are small.”

And dating? What to do with this weird Jane-Austen-esque dating scene-- as if modern dating weren’t fraught enough. Is this the universe punishing me for ending my 2019 dating hiatus early? I, for one, have given up. You win this one, pandemic. I’m just going to have my little Twitter crush and call it a year. Next year, though...

Horizons - Silver Gold

You know what? It’s hard to expand your horizons without people or places.

I did the best I could. I finally got back on track with my Goodreads challenge and actually had a really good year of reading, including finally embracing audiobooks through my Libro.fm subscriptions. I especially enjoyed Michelle Obama’s book Becoming and Mike Birbiglia’s The New One on audio-- both narrated by their authors.

I camped in Pocomoke (MD), Western MD, Lake Michigan, and Ohiopyle (PA):

I explored over 30 new hiking/biking trails-- some favorites including the Youghiegheny River trail in PA, the NCR trail, Catoctin Mountain, the C&O Canal Towpath, Annapolis Rock, and of course, Stoney Run in my backyard.

I left Facebook and started the Life Olympics newsletter. I’ll be honest, I don’t miss Facebook but I also don’t understand where that energy, time, and brain space went. I was spending cumulatively hours a day mindlessly scrolling Facebook and I quit cold turkey and barely noticed-- what black hole of our brains does social media occupy? I kind of thought that with all that extra time I would write the next great American novel or something. I’m probably spending a little more time on Twitter, which I could stand to cut back on. Other than that, I think I was just trying to process the shitstorm of this year. Maybe I’ll write the next great American novel post-pandemic.

For the first time in my life, I feel somewhat ‘caught up’ on pop-culture. I finally watched Parks and Recreation (twice); I watched The Mandalorian and finally actually watched Star Wars (episodes IV-IX); I watched the final seasons of The Good Place and Schitt’s Creek; I’m caught up on Insecure; I watched The Prom and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom and Jingle Jangle; I even started Bridgerton. I know what everyone is talking about and I’m catching so many more pop-culture references these days. (I guess instead of writing the next great American novel I watched Netflix?)

2020 Lessons

I’ve spent plenty of time mourning the missed opportunities of 2020 and will probably always wonder what this year could have been in an alternate universe with a functioning government. But we only have this reality for now, and we made the best of it.

I wanted to slow down in 2020, try to be more intentional, more mindful, and...

No thank you! I liked the pace of my life; it makes my brain and heart happy. I’m happiest when I wake up in a different city three days in a row. I like darting around every borough of Manhattan for nine meetings and three cocktails and then taking a red-eye to Europe. I want to run around to eight conferences for 18-hours a day for three weeks and then sleep for 22 hours. I miss overloading my brain so much that I need a deprivation chamber to sleep. This is who I am. This is how I like to live. And when I was locked down alone in the house for a year, slowing down, being mindful, I never once thought, “I should have... when I had the chance.” Because I always did. And I always will.

2021

We shake with joy, we shake with grief.

What a time they have, these two housed as they are in the same body.

Mary Oliver

We’ve had enough grief. 2021 is going to be all about joy.

Universe, let me be clear: this is not a euphemism or code or secret signal.

I want pure, unadulterated, abundant, joy. I want multi-course dinners in restaurants with lots of close friends and good wine. I want the virus so far gone that I can make-out with handsome strangers. I want a rollicking good time in France and/or Brazil and/or Prague and/or New Zealand and/or Bali. I want to spend the day after Christmas in NYC with my father. I want to be a glutton for theatre and art and music. I want celebrations and parties and sequins.

I want to shake with joy.

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#lifeolympics

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n1ghtt1me-stars · 4 years

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Part 10 (1)

Warlock saunters vaguely through life (Warlock saunters vaguely into their lives part 10) - this work is around 20,000 words so will be uploaded in eight parts every week

work on ao3, part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven, part eight, part nine

The five years after the non-apocalypse passed quickly and peacefully.

And Warlock really didn't want anything to change.

In school, he had very few friends - really they were more acquaintances than friends - other quiet people he sat with in the library and the computer suite because everyone knew that they wouldn't disturb each other. Warlock wasn't even a hundred per cent certain on all their names.

After his last GCSE exam, he went straight home. It was physics and Warlock was pretty sure he lost all the marks except on the parts about Space, as Crowley had helped him revise that topic. There was talk about a party that all his year was invited to, but it felt presumptive to assume he was a part of that group.

The tube had become part of his everyday routine: headphones in, head down and praying that it wasn't crammed (though it usually was).

There was a well-done-on-your-exams cake waiting when he arrived home. Crowley and Aziraphale stood proudly behind the table with the cake on it. Smiling, Warlock walked over and gave them a hug. Neither of them really understood human school though they celebrated each achievement and somehow cake became a part of it.

Aziraphale began to plate some slices of cake while Crowley turned to him and asked, "How was school, dear?"

"S'alright," Warlock replied. "Hated the test but my physics teacher gave us sweets afterwards. I think she pitied us."

Crowley laughed and Warlock continued with descriptions of his classmates' looks of despair. Aziraphale chimed in with "Oh those poor dears. Were exams one of mine or yours?"

Leaning back in his chair as he thought, Crowley eventually said, "I can't remember. I think I did it but it could have been a favour."

"I swear," Warlock said, "if you didn't give me cake, I would be really annoyed right now."

Later that evening, Warlock laid on his bed on his phone. Somehow, he had become friends with Adam and his lot. Not so much Wensleydale and Brian (Warlock did get Wensleydale's help with physics as well though it didn't pay off). He spoke a bit with Adam who really liked plants, and Warlock had grown up in Crowley's garden so they had some common ground.

Mostly, Warlock messaged Pepper. They both did ICT as a hobby and as a GCSE (Brian also did the exam but only because he thought it would be easy). Pepper was also into social justice and Warlock knew the best way to be heard in both Britain and America through his father’s complaints.

(They also both liked romantic comedies and were too ashamed to admit it to anyone else)

Is Adam still prepping for the party? Warlock sent Pepper after their rants about exams died off.

Of course. Been planning this since his fifteenth. Warlock can feel Pepper rolling her eyes. He's even made a truce with Johnson because he can get drinks for the after-party.

That's dedication. How's he hiding it from his parents?

Convinced Anathema it’s a rite of passage. She's going to distract all the adults including your parents after the barbecue so we can go to the treehouse.

Sounds fun. And it really did. Since his eleventh birthday, it had become a tradition to throw a joint party with Adam. His parents were usually abroad so they travelled to Tadfield for roughly a week.

To you maybe. Adam’s been setting up rubbish bags and threatening to fight anyone who litters in his woods.

Haha so glad I don't help plan these things

Wish you did, Pepper quickly replied before sending another message, it's annoying that you can't come during Christmas or Easter

I know. Two more years and then I don't have to go back to my parents’ house.

Only two years. Can't believe we're all growing up. Pepper sent.

Yeah, neither could he. Growing up was a surreal thing. Changes happened without you noticing; he doesn't know when the last time he called Crowley Nanny was. He remembered being teased for having servants and stopped referring to Nanny in school. And then, it bled into his home life. Warlock wasn't sure if Crowley noticed because he never said anything, but it made Warlock a little sad thinking about it.

I know. Think Adam will mature once we turn 16?

Nope. Still be thinking he's the centre of the universe till someone knocks him down a couple of pegs

Warlock laughed aloud at that. Adam was regularly self-centred, but he meant well most of the time. Once, when they were thirteen, he didn't talk to Warlock for weeks after he couldn't come over for Christmas despite him explaining why. It took Pepper hitting him for Adam to apologise.

The year after, Adam posted a book about coding to the Dowling house. Warlock still wasn't sure how he got that address.

Before he could reply to Pepper, she messaged again that her mum needed her so she'd talk tomorrow. It was only ten so Warlock doodled in his notebook a bit; he could do rough sketches of a variety of plants and flowers without thinking. For his art GCSE, most of his coursework had been based around plants because he could use Crowley's garden as a source. A few years ago, Crowley had expanded to a greenhouse on the roof (which Warlock was pretty sure was closed off to tenants) and it was so beautiful and full of lush plants in there.

It was definitely one of Warlock's favourite places.

A couple of weeks later (most of it was spent catching up on sleep), Warlock packed for their trip to Tadfield. Technically, he wasn't a military kid like the others he grew up with who moved every few years. But, on the other hand, as a diplomat's son, he went on more short-haul trips so packing was a breeze.

Going through his mental list, he packed his clothes effectively so he could take his tablet and laptop. He knew Aziraphale would be taking enough books for the week so he didn't have to worry about that.

Suitcase ready and his phone on charge for the car journey, he went up to the roof. He passed Aziraphale prepping packed lunches in the kitchen: most likely simple sandwiches if he was trying to make something without magic.

It was a rare clear day and Warlock could see miles of the city all around from the rooftop however he couldn't hear the busy streets. Apparently, plants needed a calm, clean atmosphere (even though they were already in a greenhouse) so the roof was quiet and smelled of clean air and not the usual scent of exhaust fumes.

Pushing open the door to the greenhouse, Warlock was met with a warm wall of humidity. Crowley stood over some vibrant green ferns with his water sprayer, inspecting for any damage and threatening them.

"You all better grow well when I'm away," he said as the leaves trembled. "or you'll know what'll happen. I don't think any of you can survive a fall from a roof."

Warlock gently stroked a shaking leaf and it stopped trembling. As if communicating with the others, all the plants went still and Crowley turned to glare at him. "You and Aziraphale are way too nice to them."

"Yeah," Warlock said, "We're the ones who are too nice."

Crowley waved the spray bottle at him before giving the plants one last glare. Walking out of the greenhouse, Crowley asked, "Are you ready to go?"

To be honest, his stomach was turning. Each year, it was terrifying to be celebrating his birthday with people he only saw once a year and only knew because he was standing in the background when the world nearly ended.

"Yep, can't wait," Warlock said. He must have sounded convincing because Crowley told him to put his stuff in the car before going to find Aziraphale.

They stayed in the same rented cottage every year that was always empty despite it being the height of summer. Like the flat, it was a lot smaller than the house he grew up in, but Warlock preferred it. Every floorboard creaked and the chairs felt like they would collapse whenever someone sat on them but it was never empty.

Unsurprisingly, they arrived before lunchtime because of Crowley's driving, so they had the sandwiches at the cottage. Warlock had several messages from Pepper demanding he come into the woods as soon as possible because Adam is getting stressy about the party and someone needs to distract him.

Leaving Aziraphale and Crowley to sort out the cottage, Warlock jumped the fence in the garden as it was the quickest route into the woods. He only came once a year, but he could walk this path with his eyes closed. It was cool beneath the shade of the trees, yet the light that filtered through made the whole area a nice golden hue. The air had a similar feel to the greenhouse: clean, fresh and the furthest thing from the city air.

The first thing he heard was Adam's voice. "Hang the paper chains evenly in the branches," he shouted. Warlock walked into the slight clearing in time to see Pepper glare at Adam. "Please," he added reluctantly at her look.

No one was really sure if Adam still had his powers, but Adam swung round to lock eyes with Warlock as if he just knew he was there.

"Warlock!" He shouted and smiled widely. However, Warlock's response was cut off when a weight slammed into the back of his knees. Stumbling forwards, Warlock stopped himself from falling as Dog continued to jump and bark at him. For some reason, Dog was always overly enthusiastic around him and no one else.

"Hey," Warlock said as Dog ran over and sat down at Adam's ankles. "How are you?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Adam said. "It's good you're here actually, you can help Wensleydale with the paper chains. He has no idea how to spread the colours evenly."

Looking over at the tree, Warlock could see what Adam meant. There was a large patch of red on one side of the tree, a couple of stands if blue next to it (where Wensleydale was precariously sitting) and other colours in a pile on the floor. If left to his own devices, all the colours would end up in distinct blocks which would just look weird. "Sure," Warlock said, "I'll save the tree."

"Thank you," Adam said earnestly. Suddenly, he shouted "Brian, no!" before running off to deal with another impending disaster.

On his way over, Warlock said hi to Pepper who was setting up some solar-powered garden lights. "We'll have to take some of that red down," he said to Wensleydale who was clambering down from the tree.

"Yeah," Wensleydale said sadly. He cleaned his glasses on his shirt and put them back on to stare at the paper chains. "I guess it would look better if they were mixed together."

"Yeah..." Warlock said as he studied the colours. "If you get back up in the tree, I'll pass them up and we can spread them out?"

"Sounds good," Wensleydale replied and he climbed the tree again. As they worked, they chatted mostly about the recent exams because that was the only common ground they had.

"How did your RE go?" Wensleydale asked. Warlock was grateful that they had quickly moved on from the physics paper.

"Alright I think," he said as he passed up a green chain. "But it didn't help that Aziraphale kept telling me about misprinted bible quotes. They were all I could remember in the exam."

"Oh, I read about some of those. I think my favourite was 'Thou shalt commit Adultery'."

Laughing, Warlock said, "Nah, 'the unrighteous shall inherit the Kingdom of God' is definitely the best one. It's amazing how these were so wrong with just little mistakes."

Finally finished with the tree (which now looked like an explosion of colour instead of a paint-by-number), Warlock realised that his stomach was growling. Brian and Pepper disappeared a while ago once they had finished their jobs and Wensleydale quickly left as well, claiming he was tired from scrambling around the tree. That just left him and Adam, who was trying to get Dog to stop playing with a scrap piece of paper that he was intent on tearing to bits.

"Dog, drop it!" Adam said. Warlock laughed as Dog ignored him. "Drop it," Adam continued sternly, "or no treats for dinner."

Dog dropped it and Adam looked at Warlock smugly. "I'm pretty sure he only stopped because you mentioned treats," Warlock said and Adam's expression faltered slightly.

No," he said stubbornly. "Dog understood the threat."

"Sure he did," Warlock said, filling his voice with sarcasm. "Well," he added, "I'm hungry so I'm going to ..."

"Come to mine," Adam interrupted. "My mum will be preparing dinner soon."

"Uh..." Warlock couldn't see a valid reason to refuse, except that being around the adult Youngs was weird, but he couldn't admit that to their son. "Sure," he said, "let me just message Crowley."

"Awesome," Adam said, and, as soon as Warlock put his phone back in his pocket, grabbed his arm and started dragging Warlock to his house.

Excluding all the supernatural elements, Warlock wondered if there was anyone else in a similar situation where the child was the one to know that they were adopted and not the adult.

He couldn't help thinking about it as Mrs Young pulled him into a hug and Mr Young gave him a firm handshake. Really, he looked nothing like Mrs Young who shared the same light hair and soft face with Adam, and the only similarity he had with Mr Young was the dark hair colour that his mum also had. Adam, though, did actually look like their son despite not being related.

The situation was strange and Warlock usually tried to ignore it, especially around his family because his father could not find out he wasn't biologically his.

It would be the straw that broke the camel's back; it would be all the excuse his father needed to disown him.

"Sit down," Mrs Young said, ushering Warlock and Adam to the dining table. "I'm making bangers and mash so I hope you're hungry."

"They're vegetarian by the way," Adam said to him.

"Yeah, that's fine," Warlock said. He knew that Adam went vegetarian a while back and that his parents followed his example. Anyway, you could never go wrong with sausages and potatoes.

Warlock could hear the sound of ceramic plates being set out and the kettle whistling in the kitchen. Despite his reservations, Warlock did love being in Adam's house. It was loud and full of life and reminded him of the times when he, Aziraphale and Crowley tried to make a new dish together (with varying degrees of success). It was also the furthest thing from the empty estate that he used to live in.

Once everyone was sat down and eating, Mr Young turned to him and asked, "So, what exams did you do Warlock?"

"Uh, ICT, RE and art," Warlock said, "plus English, maths and combined science of course."

"A good range," Mr Young said, meeting Warlock’s eyes as if he was genuinely interested, "Your parents must be proud."

"Yep," Warlock said, quickly shoving a forkful of mash into his mouth so he didn't have to say anymore. He was pretty sure his father's lecture on why he should do more useful subjects like politics or business lasted an hour when Warlock told him his chosen options.

Thankfully, Adam started talking about the party. He omitted the part about the truce and Johnson bringing alcohol but he waved his cutlery around as he spoke about all the decorations and the games they' were going to play in the woods.

"I'm thinking that we play games that we used to play as kids," Adam said, as though he never stopped playing those games. "Forty forty in is good in the dark..."

"How do you play?" Warlock asked.

Adam turned to look at him with wide eyes, "You've never played?" Adam said. Warlock looked away slightly from his shocked look. As a child, the only game he could remember playing was soccer (well football here, that was probably the only American thing about Warlock) when some of his mother's friends brought their children round. Names of games like 'bulldog' and '123 home' were suggested if he remembered correctly but soccer was the only thing they all knew so they didn't have to waste time explaining it. He never had regular friends to develop these kinds of games with.

"No..." Warlock eventually said, focused on the food in front of him as he cut the sausages into tiny, regular pieces. "I've never heard of it."

"That's fine," Adam said, his cheerful mood not at all affected. "You can be on my team and we’ll destroy the others."

"We never played in teams," Mrs Young added. "If you was IT, you had to do it alone."

"Well, in my version there’s teams and it's more fun when you have someone to work with."

"Okay dear, finish your food," Mrs Young said, gesturing to Adam's half full plate which he had been ignoring whenever he spoke.

They finished in relative silence and Warlock helped Mrs Young carry the plates into the kitchen as Adam took Dog out into the garden. "You're such a polite boy," she said, "not like the chaotic demon I raised." Warlock laughed though it was more at the fact that she didn't know how right she was. "Are you excited for the barbeque tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yeah," Warlock said. "Thank you for hosting it again. They're always brilliant. This will be the fifth one-- won't it?"

"Oh its no trouble," Mrs Young said, dismissing his praise with a wave of her hand. "I can't believe you're all growing up so fast. Soon, you'll be at university and then adults. First, it was Adam's sister and now Adam. Oh God," she paused and wiped her eyes, "I better stop before I start weeping."

Warlock scuffed his feet against the floor. "It's alright," he said, feeling like an intruder. Adam had told him late one night in a rare honest conversation that his older sister visited less and less and that it made his mother upset. In return, Warlock told him how his parents had been distant growing up and he disliked people like his sister, who selfishly took their parents' love for granted.

Adam didn't argue with him. He only said that he was glad Warlock was with Aziraphale and Crowley now.

"Go hang out with Adam," Mrs Young said as she shooed him out of the kitchen. "I'll get Arthur to help me."

Leaving her shouting for her husband, Warlock went into the garden where he found Adam laying on the recently-mowed grass with Dog. The sun was just setting, turning the sky red (Warlock hoped that meant the weather would be good tomorrow for their birthday). Sitting down next to him, Warlock saw that Adam's eyes were closed but he knew that Adam was aware that he was there. He waited in silence until Adam opened his eyes.

From his position sitting up, Warlock had to lean over slightly so he could make eye contact with Adam. "Are you going to stay there all night?" he asked.

"Maybe," Adam said with a smirk. Honestly, Warlock wouldn't be surprised if Adam actually did as he always seemed to belong more outside.

"In that case," Warlock said as he stood up, "I'll be heading back to sleep in a proper bed."

Adam groaned but scrambled quickly to his feet. "I'll walk you back," he said. There were grass stains all down his back and loose stands in his hair. Warlock tried to help by picking some of the pieces out but stopped quickly when he felt Adam still beneath his hand.

"You don't have to," Warlock said, feeling slightly guilty for disturbing him.

Adam waved him off. "I want to," he said, smiling brightly.

Adam took them along the main road instead of the through the woods even though it was longer. Surprisingly, Adam kept quiet (only interrupting occasionally to ask questions) when Warlock spent most of the walk talking about some new plants Crowley had gotten recently and how they were so pretty Warlock had already drawn them many times trying to capture them right.

Finally, they reached the cottage. Pausing at the gate to say goodbye, Warlock was shocked when Adam pulled him into a quick hug. Adam pulled away too soon for Warlock to hug him back and said, "You're so going to love your present tomorrow."

"I bet my present for you is better," Warlock said almost automatically as his brain was still processing the hug.

Adam laughed and said, "Doubt it," before running off.

When Warlock woke up the next morning, his memory of his conversation with Adam was crystal clear while the rest of the evening after that was a complete blur in his mind.

Next part

#warlock tags along #warlock grows up #warlock saunters vaguely into their lives #good omens #good omens fanfiction

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jjpmoans · 5 years

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50 Questions Tag

Tagged by @prettywordsyouleft and @itsallabigmess bcs these two unnies really love me

1. What takes too much of your time?

Social media (yes that includes tumblr)

2. What makes your day better?

These days, Jinyoung. Lol okay so I am a very talkative one. So yeah, talking to someone will immediately makes me feel less stressful.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

Just now @itsallabigmess made an exception for me to write a GOT7 fic asdfghjkl I FEEL A LITTLE TOO OVER HAPPY

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

I think almost all my friend would have guess this. Hogwarts. Because the food there seems to be endless and really, I’d love to try eating both drumsticks in my hand and I want to put an incantation to whoever tries to hold me from eating.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

Well, I think I am. Judging from how my whole family turned to me when they wanted to share their problems. Also when I gave advises, I always stresses this one thing “Listen to understand, don’t listen to reply” and that implies to me too. And honestly, I listen too much and sometimes when people just don’t want to change, I feel really annoyed BECAUSE WHAT IS THE POINT YOU WANTED MY ADVISE???? Okay I think I’m good. hahahhahhaha

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Horny 24/7 is that a mental illness? lmao no I’m not that bad but I think I need to get married. NOW.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Not yet. In my country, people describe sleep paralysis as you got crushed by some spirit (ghost to be exact) and yes it is scary and I hope I would never experience it.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

I’ve been thinking a lot and though I really want to say GOT7, I’d say EXO. Partly because I was there since early times, but also, the amount of success and loyalties they have received are really unbelievable. The secret of EXO’s and BTS’s popularity which leads them to win daesang in every award is their fans. And I really hope ahgase can be like them. I’d be lying if I say our fandom is really hardworking when it comes to award season. I’ve seen my friend bullshitting EXO and BTS bcs whenever any of them is nominated in the same award of GOT7, automatically, GOT7 will lose. And no joke, army and exol are really monsters during award season. And I hope us ahgase can be like that too. I know got7 said they didn’t mind but Jinyoung once said that he want to know how those groups can win daesang easily and he thought got7 need to work harder. smh I’m emo. sorry this got longer than it should.

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

I do. Hahahahhahaha yes I do.

10. What’s your dream date?

Well for me, just talking with each other is a date. I love to know small details because when I love someone, I just want to know everything about him. But okay a dream date? Amusement park. Yes you need to know which ride makes me scream like a girl and which makes me scream like a mad woman.

11. What do others notice about you?

I’m very talkative (that really shows lol). And I don’t know how to refuse when someone ask for a help or anything. I always tell myself to treat people the way I want to be treated.

And they said I’m too nice. Yeah I figured that too hahahahhaa

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

Refuse to listen when I’m angry. I feel annoyed because I know I’m wrong but I’m angry but I don’t want to hurt people. So I’ll say “Sorry, I’m very angry now but I know I’m wrong. Just, I’ll be okay later so we’ll talk later”

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Yes and no. Our last conversation was he wanted to meet me. But ever since then, no other conversation.

14. How many ex’s do you have?

Can’t relate lol

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

Here’s the thing. I have a lot of playlists. Phone playlist, laptop playlist, joox playlist and youtube playlist. So I don’t know how many of them.

16. What instruments can you play?

Non existent.

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

My phone? Now? Jinyoung smh this is all Tumblr’s fault lol.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Mecca. I’d like to die there if I can.

19. What is your zodiac?

Virgo. And please, someone, please help me calculate whatever thing it was (sun sign, moon sign and all) I never knew those things and it irks me when I don’t know it hahahahhaaa

20. Do you relate to it?

Well I did some research here, Virgo firstly is a virgin and yes I am. It says that virgo is very supportive of people in their lives and even strangers, that is me. I’m a critical thinker bcs I personally hate when something goes wrong. but lol hardworking, artists and remembers everything? Not even close. I’m a lazy ass, I draw a cow but it turned into a pig and I am hopeless with my memory.

But one Virgo thing about me, yes I am an overthinker hahahahhaa

21. What is happiness to you?

When my family reunited.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

Family problem. Mom just got heart attack, dad married another woman, brother on crisis with mom, sister just stabbed my back, aunt made everything worse. It’s been three months into 2019, every week, another family problem popped up. But we are trying, I tried to fix everything, another role which the smallest child has to take upon responsibility but I’m fine. Just, tiring.

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

applied for the wrong scholarship and wasted an opportunity to fly to New Zealand for study.

24. What’s your favourite store?

Food stores. Any of them. ARE MY FAVOURITE ahhahahhaha

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

Because I’m a muslim, I am against abortion. Here, in my country, abortion is done because it was done out of wedlock and they feel embarrassed. So, it irks me bcs if you can think to have sex, you can’t think that there is possibilities that you can get pregnant? And to kill your child bcs you wanted to cover it, is unacceptable. But again, it is personal choice.

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

I have a few but not enough to be a bucket.

27. Do you have a favourite album?

Honestly, if favourite means I have listened to all songs in that album, it’s EXO The War album.

28. What do you want for your birthday?

A freaking big plushie. I love to hug big plushies. But no one ever wanted to give me that for my birthday. And now, I’ve been searching for a big squirtle plushie or snorlax plushie (yes jackson and jaebum)

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

okay this one lol they said I look scary and they thought I’d be the grumpy one. Well, if you meet me when I’m hungry, I have the tendency to be one.

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

I don’t know anymore. An aunt asked me “Are you the one who got married?” when it was my sister smh

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

next to my pillow bcs I need to charge it.

32. what word do you say the most?

me? I say “shit” a lot lol

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

well I would say I definitely date anyone as long as they are not the same age with my dad.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

idk I never thought on dating a younger one. But if I do, maybe 4 years younger bcs damn, if I make it 10 years, my date would be 12 when me here is 22.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

something which requires me to talk a lot.

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

K-Pop.

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

South Korea. New Zealand. Anywhere but Malaysia lol.

38. What is your current favourite song?

Say you won’t let go - James Arthur

39. How long have you had this blog for?

I had this blog for a few years. But just becoming active just recently hmm I don’t know the exact date. But I know it started after I interacted with @prettywordsyouleft

40. What are you excited for?

Food. and sponsored vacation

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

A better talker. but also a pretty good listener

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Last sunday, i climbed a 200m hill to get to the view point. It got me panting like a dying cow.

43. What do you want for Christmas?

While I don’t celebrate Christmas, I welcome gifts. Any gifts would be fine lol (make sure its food)

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

High school? Chemistry. College? Mathematic. Now? Nothing hahahahaha

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

5 and exhausted but tomorrow? 10 BECAUSE A JINYOUNG IS COMING

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

10 years I just hope that I am already working and saving money to go on vacations and can sponsor my family on vacations too.

47. When did you first get your heartbreak?

2009 when I discovered that dad has another wife. I was 12 and just got my exam result but dad wasn’t there. He was never present for any of my achievements in school. Turns out he has another child the same age as me and he puts her before me. Since I was born, I was always put second.

2011 when I liked a guy but he hated me awh teenagers. He said I’m too fat and how dare a fat girl like me tries to like him? He was my first love.

48. At what age do you want to get married?

When I am ready. I have a dream wedding, so I would work hard for it to happen.

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

Idk I always change it lol today i’ll say teacher and next day I’ll say ballerina. Yes I spent my whole school life giving different careers when teachers asked me.

50. What do you crave right now?

Food bcs I’m on diet and hell those food porns are getting on my nerves.

Phew it was a good time answering all these questions and it drains my energy lol. So for this, hmm I don’t know who to tag. But i’ll go with this one @sevenpeaches @riceeater22 @tuanyiems @kpopchangedme @kpopstories @starhibiki @ongsung @sehunsmybae (yes I always saw you) and everyone who want to do this! of course, you are not forced to do this

#jinyoungmoans join tagging game

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prettywordsyouleft · 5 years

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50 Questions Tag

Tagged by @g-exo Thank you sweetie! <3

1. What takes too much of your time?

Working and writing.

2. What makes your day better?

Writing, k-dramas, crafting, bullet journalling, chocolate lol.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

This is going to sound odd, but we have 3 little kittens (and their mama) who we rescued from our horses’ hay shed a few weeks ago. The kittens started on solids like two days ago and one of them hadn’t pooped and was pretty full. After some assistance from me, she went and pooped. I could have cried with pure happiness. Poor thing was so uncomfortable.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

The world of Howl’s Moving Castle. To be able to use the door in Howl’s Castle to go to different realms and places would be truly magical.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

I believe so. Not so good at taking the same said advice though >_<

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Generalised Anxiety.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Nope and I’m grateful that I haven’t :/ << same.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

SHINee as a group. I was in a hard place when I got into kpop with being unable to walk. I was entirely depressed from my accident and thought I would never get anywhere again. Their music gave me an escapism that I needed at first, and then I found the confidence in myself to get back up and try again.

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

I don’t think I truly know what love is aside from familial love. I’ve not had the opportunity to fall in love.

10. What’s your dream date?

I don’t think I have one. Something simple yet fulfilling with a person who is actually engaged in the date happenings and wanting to be in my company would be enough for me!

11. What do others notice about you?

I like to give. Everyone who has come across me - whether in passing or actually get to know me, all say that I have this ability to share with others and make their lives brighter by doing so.

The ones who know me well complain that I don’t know when to stop and rest because I’m so focused on completing my tasks/ giving to others lol.

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

I guess the above - being too stubborn to know when I need to rest. I’m pretty bad about it. I overload myself and then get too stressed out. It’s something I’m working on!

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Not applicable to me.

14. How many ex’s do you have?

Zero.

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

6456 is the amount I have on itunes. I have various playlists that I listen to despite my mood though.

16. What instruments can you play?

None.

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

Uhhhh on my phone it’s Mark Tuan. Followed by Kyungsoo and both Jung/Park Jinyoung’s.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Italian Peninsula is my top pick. Other places would be Greece, Japan, Korea and England.

19. What is your zodiac?

Gemini technically.

20. Do you relate to it?

I fall on the Gemini-Cancer cusp and relate to articles I’ve read of Gemini-Cancer cusp people than pure Gemini traits. I’m definitely not an outgoing, carefree person as Gem’s are describe to be lol.

21. What is happiness to you?

My family, friends and even our pets succeeding in life. Seeing their happiness makes me feel good.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

This whole year has been a “going through” kind of year. Every time I think things are settling, another thing is thrown my way. But I’m optimistic it means I’m getting stronger with this testing period.

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

Not buying VIP tickets when B.A.P came here for their L.O.E tour. I chose Gold tickets because they had seats and as a partially disabled person through my right leg, I didn’t think I could stand for the duration of the concert. It’s something I’ve regretted for years - they were so amazing to everyone, but those in VIP were so darn lucky with all the interactions they had!

24. What’s your favourite store?

I guess Gordon Harris, the local art store, because I am always there picking up new stationery supplies for bullet journalling.

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

It’s a very personal choice. As a person who wants to be a mother one day, it’s an option I could never ever bring myself to do. However, it’s not my place to judge, condemn or preach at those who feel it’s their only choice at the time.

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

Kind of? In my bullet journal for the past 2 years I’ve done the whole “19/20 things to do before 2019/2020″ but I don’t have an official bucket list or anything.

27. Do you have a favourite album?

Probably Verse 2 - JJ Project because I listen to it all the time. Otherwise, Good Timing - B1A4 is probably another long time favourite.

28. What do you want for your birthday?

Not really sure... my birthday is hard because it’s ten days before my Dad’s death anniversary. So I just try to do something to smile each year. Maybe go out for dinner to celebrate mine and Mum’s birthday (she’s a week exactly after my birthday)

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

I’ve been told most people think I’m shy and awkward but once I talk, they are surprised with how engaging I can be in conversation. Which makes me laugh because generally on the inside I’m panicking as I have social anxiety issues.

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m 32 but people never seem to think it. When I was at university, I was older than everyone else as an adult student but they all thought I was around 20-21 when I was 24+ hahah.

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

On top of Octavia’s crate which is next to my bed. Or if I need to charge it, I leave it on my desk. I’m a very light sleeper so when my alarm goes off, it doesn’t need to be next to me to wake me up.

32. what word do you say the most?

When I’m talking - “like” (which really annoys me). When I’m writing - “but”.

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

I try to believe I would date anyone regardless of age. But I’ve been known to have put an age limit of no more than 8 years older when I was feebly using dating websites. I don’t actively search for someone anymore, so if they came into my world and matched me well in a natural way, then I don’t think age would deter me.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

I’m a bit more carefree on this one... I think it comes from being an older kpop fan and liking on younger idols because there’s hardly any idols left that are my age/older lol. Again as above, I wouldn’t let a younger age deter me in the right setting.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Author. I’ve even done those career quizzes on multiple occasions and the first choice is always Author/Writer.

The second choice people say is teacher. Which I was training to be until my injury.

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

K-Pop.

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

I’m happy where I live. I’ve never thought of being able to live elsewhere.

38. What is your current favourite song?

White or Feeling - both by Jeong Sewoon.

39. How long have you had this blog for?

I started it on July 2nd, 2018.

40. What are you excited for?

Uh, I’m not really excited for anything?

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

A bit of both.

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Yesterday I made a new paddock up for our horses, cleaned out my guinea pig’s house, cleaned out the entire bathroom where Byul and her kittens are staying. And then last night I did Chelle Chats which was pretty busy!

Today I’ve been pretty chill compared so far.

43. What do you want for Christmas?

I’m not sure. I’m never good at knowing what I want. Better at knowing what to buy others.

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

In high school, it was English and Biology. In university, it was Classics/Ancient History.

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

Not sure. I had an image of how I hoped to be a mother, and continuing on with my art business, but with puberty rocking our house with my sister and my finances taking a nose dive, fertility treatment is long gone sadly. I’ll just think I’ll focus on the now and improve/appreciate what I have!

47. When did you first get your heartbreak?

I’m sure this question is related to dating but for me, when I was 14 my heart broke when my Nana died. And in 2012, when my Dad was killed was when I gained another ball in my box of grief. Last year was tough losing my dog of 15.5 years too. Got three balls in that box now :(

As for dating, sure, I’ve hurt from limited attempts to confess and being rejected... but I’ve never had real opportunity for heartbreak like that.

48. At what age do you want to get married?

Lmfao. I’ll probably be single for my whole life. Marriage is so far from the cards for me, I can’t imagine it.

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be a Veterinarian or Teacher.

50. What do you crave right now?

Food cos it’s 1.34pm and I’ve not eaten yet oops.

Tagging: @this-song-thats-only-for-you @mark-tuan-and-namjoon-lover @katdefbeom @listlessmaenads @tuanyiems @peachyparkjinyoung @jinyoungmoans @ahgase55g7 @itsallabigmess and anyone else who wants to do this!

#get to know the blogger #pwyl; tagged

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runthejoint-blog · 5 years

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The Perfect Storm  

Treatment begins  

Sitting in the Consultant’s office on July 1st, 2 and a half weeks before my 30th birthday I was told that my anti-CCP antibodies were strongly positive at 189. A normal reading of 0-17 is considered normal, if it had been 25 there might have been some doubt, a test here or there may have been done. But 189 was definitive. My diagnosis is seropositive rheumatoid arthritis.

What follows is a blur of medical jargon, various definitions of ‘normal’, numerous explanations of how for now I am ‘abnormal’ or have a ‘new normal’. Very little is known about what causes rheumatoid arthritis. It can be genetic (there is no history in our family), it can be the result of stressful events (hi there, last 12 months of my life), putting your body under too much high intensity physical exertion (guilty as charged) or a plethora of other factors. I will never know how or why I became classified as seropositive rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve decided there is little point dwelling on it or speculating, it makes an already stressful and frustrating situation even more so. As my dear friend Debra who herself has suffered a life-changing physical event over the past few months (and far more catastrophic than my own) says: This is our new normal. As my Consultant summarised it; everything has come together in a perfect storm for you and right now, as you sit here, you are in the eye of that storm, but it’s my job to help you weather it.

  And then he said something that I appreciated more than anything else he could have said at that moment. He told me it was ok to feel angry and frustrated. For someone who doesn’t sit around for long (unless I have a good book in hand), who feels that I haven’t lived the day without getting my heart rate up to threshold and who is more comfortable in cycling kit/running shoes/a swimsuit (not in the glamour photoshoot sense, more submerged in water) being on enforced rest partly through medical advice, but also because my body just can’t do it right now it is the most frustrating, dare I say, depressing prospect. He told me he knew it was deeply unfair. That someone who was referred to a cardiologist earlier in the year for having a heart rate so low it scared my own GP was now confined to a largely sedentary period.

  Signs of a great doctor, in my opinion, are if they take the time to explain a condition and its treatment, but most of all, that they leave the decision-making for treatment with you. After all, it is your body after all. So I could start a course of steroids (they work well short term, but we all know steroids long-term is a really terrible idea), I could start on the most common form of treatment - Methotrexate (it is the magic pill for many, but has some horrific-sounding side effects and takes quite a while to build up into your system), I could take on a combination of daily steroids for a short term period of a month or two with a weekly dose of Methotrexate with a chaser of folic acid (to help reduce the risk of toxicity to the liver - told you the side effects didn’t sound a barrel of laughs) or I could do nothing (he didn’t advise this, if I thought I felt bad now, come back and see him in a few months, crippled and begging). So unsurprisingly we settled on the combination therapy of steroids in the short term whilst I get Methotrexate into my system. So now I have a drug diary (I am yet to take the plunge and buy a natty plastic pill organiser with the days of the week on - the OAP version of pants with the days of the week on from when you were a small child?!) and have a fortnightly visit to the GP surgery for blood tests to keep an eye on liver and kidney function and blood toxicity. In a couple of weeks I will have my follow up appointment with a base chest X-ray - partly to monitor whether the RA starts to affect my lungs, but also to spot whether the drugs damage them too (win-win, or lose-lose) and have had to enter territory hitherto unknown to me: being kind to my body and listening to it. 

A new normal

For too long my training strategy for cycling or more recently running was to push through the pain. Don’t worry if your lungs/knees/hamstrings/shoulders/feet hurt, the pain will be temporary. Just finish this effort. Get that PB. Shave all of a second off your previous time. No one else is probably at all interested, but to me (and someone whose own addiction to similar behaviour had too much of an influence on me at the time) that was what mattered. I may agonise for hours, days, weeks afterwards that I hadn’t done well enough in my (or their) eyes. When I finished running a 5k, 10k, 10 mile or half marathon distance I found it impossible to say to myself: well done for getting out there, that head wind made it tough, still further than you’ve run before. Instead it was, why didn’t I run as fast or easily as before, why can’t I run as well as so and so, why do I feel so tired? I actually probably felt so tired because I was overtraining, not eating enough and not getting enough rest. Unlike cycling where you can tuck in with a pack or sit on someone’s wheel, it’s very hard to fake it with running. It has to be your own effort and only your mind and body can really be in control of what happens.

I have no training strategy right now. I have some ideas. I have hopes (many) and dreams (a few). I turned 30 a couple of weeks ago and rather than celebrating with an epic bike ride as I would have done any other year I had a quick dip in the sea before focusing my celebrations on cake consumption. I’m trying to swim as much as I can, initially I would swim in the sea before or during my work day as a relaxation for both body and mind. Some recent storms and a busy period at work have meant that I’ve started swimming in the local lido instead. It’s taking some adjusting going from an empty, endless ocean to swimming in a busy and chaotic pool. It’s not just the number of people that are different though. I have to force myself to relax when swimming in the pool, to not focus on what others are doing, not panic that I’m not swimming fast enough. I am trying to only look at my watch to see what time I get in and then make sure I’m out in time to shower and get to work. My addiction to pace is never far away though. I try and force it from my mind. Breathe deeply and say it doesn’t matter, but it lurks in the shadows, wanting to overtake my thoughts. This worry about not doing well enough and not putting in as much effort as others or getting as good a result as in the past (when I was at peak fitness) at times can be all-consuming and soul destroying.

A couple of months ago a very close friend said they had quit Strava (the cycling, running and swimming recording app) as they were fed up with the negative feeling that had when they couldn’t cycle following an operation and seeing others out and about made them feel worse; not to mention feeling like they had to agree to cycle with people for fear they would see their ride and would feel cut out. I said I had toyed with the idea for a while, and the closest I had got at that point was to stop following a huge number of people and focus instead on those who I was really interested in seeing out and about and who I didn’t feel I had to ‘compete with’; both in terms of cycling and running performance, but increasingly with sport:life balance. Then another friend on hearing my diagnosis and my frustration said to throw away the Garmin, stop looking at Strava and cycle based on feel and not by numbers. And so I did. I logged out on my phone and have filed the app away. I don’t miss it in the slightest. My only regret is that there are some people who aren’t on other social media platforms that I actually used Strava to keep in touch with. I know a number of you reading this probably use Strava and for a long time it kept me motivated, particularly when I moved to the States and didn’t know anyone or have the confidence to join the local bike club. Waking up and seeing that friends at home had gone out for a ride got me moving. But then the pleasure went. I would spend too long looking at it, comparing my times and in the end not being able to see why I might not be improving at something. Getting frustrated seeing that other people (who were at a completely different stage of life to me) could spend so much more time cycling and running than I could. Now I see Strava very negatively as a platform for people to log their rides and get boosted by those around them. It’s not real interaction. For many it’s not a healthy tool; it’s something that makes them feel inadequate, for others it’s a way to show off their results - yes you got a PR at your ParkRun, but do you really need to tell the whole world. When did running or cycling have to be dictated by your watch or a little screen on your handlebars? Why not just get out there and enjoy being with those you are with, or focus on the no doubt beautiful surroundings? There are t-shirts that say ‘If it’s not on Strava did it even happen?’ and ‘If I crash, someone pause my Strava’… I get that these are tongue in cheek, but for some people this really is their concern. This little orange app on their iPhone increasingly rules their life, their training routine is dictated by it. Not only is it concerning to me from a mental health point of view, but from a physical standpoint too. I will never know whether my RA was caused by too much physical exertion, it’s certainly a possibility. The number of people I know who have chesty coughs they can’t shift because they feel they need to keep cycling even though they are ill (to hit their Strava weekly mileage target), who end up with aches and pains by trying to keep up with their friends’ annual mileage and work beyond their physical limits or in the most extreme cases take unnecessary risks on the bike to get a KOM or QOM on a ‘segment’ increasingly astounds me. I know that these thoughts may not be popular, and it’s just my personal opinion of Strava from experience. If you use it and enjoy it, keep at it. But take a few minutes and think, do you enjoy it for the right reason? Do you ever do stuff you shouldn’t in hope of seeing a little gold circle, cup or crown? Is it really worth it?

What a difference a year makes…

This time a year ago I was completing day one of 14 days and 1,000 miles of back-to-back cycling to complete Land’s End-John o’Groats. I was probably at one of the fittest points of my life, certainly in terms of cycling. Little phased me. The lumpier the ride, the better. The longer the distance, the bigger the challenge, the more it would push me physically, the more appeal it had. And then my body said enough.

Looking back there may have been signs as far back as a year ago that I was beginning to have some issues with my body, but on the whole the 14 days whilst a challenge were totally achievable. Today I feel exhausted if I work a full day in the office and try and do some form of gentle exercise whether swimming or Pilates (two sessions in and I’m disappointed to report there is no sign of a six pack yet). The sofa is my territory on weekend afternoons. Not out of choice, but out of necessity when I run out of steam.

I don’t know what lies ahead in terms of physical challenge, whether I can expect to be able to sign up for some multi-day challenges next year or some one day classics. I am trying to focus on the here and now, getting out there if I feel good, but also not chastising myself if I feel whacked. At the beginning of July I ran a 10k trail run with a very good friend. We had planned it pre-diagnosis and I thought of it as a kind of last hurrah (I still don’t know if I’ll ever be allowed to get back to running), and how hard could 10k be? Well to say I ran it would actually be a complete lie. I managed two miles before my lungs, heart rate and feet started to wail and the heat of the hottest day of the year got too much. And so began a highly frustrating walk-run routine. I would walk and recover and think I could run, only for a few minutes later to feel completely wiped out once more. As we eventually neared the finish line (a 10k course which was actually over 7 miles) I was told there was a small climb to the finish and I spurred the man next to me on to run to the line and in the last moment managed to get my foot over the line in front of him (the finish strong mentality is still very much there, thanks Kevin!). As we crossed the line and I hugged my friend, something completely unexpected happened. My face and clothes that were soaked through with sweat and from being hosed down by spectators, were now being moistened by salty tears, uncontrollable tears flooding down my cheeks. I was frustrated. I was angry. I was mourning my former self. I mourn the fact that a few months ago a 10k was effortless, that a few months ago I had planned to run the 50km ultra marathon of the same event, that I will go home and be wiped out for days by it.

I constantly have to tell myself that it’s good I can still exercise at all, that I still have a fairly normally functioning body that means in time I will be able to cycle again, that I can swim, do yoga, Pilates and walk. And I should be grateful for that. I feel bad that I moan so much when a couple of close friends have become stricken by incredibly unfair events in recent months and currently are not able to use their bodies much at all. I feel guilty and selfish that I get so angry at feeling so restricted. I laugh when friends tell me they admire my positivity (I feel so lacking in positivity). Nothing stops the emptiness and inadequacy I feel at not being able to get out and live the life that until a few months ago I thought was unlimited.

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havekiddoswilltravel · 5 years

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Mother’s Day Reflections – A Guide to Finding Joy on Mother’s Day

Dearest imperfect mom: I see you and you Matter!

If sadness creeps into your heart on Mother’s Day, you’re not alone. I often say that my life has not turned out how I imagined. As a young child, I recall sitting at church at a very young age and offering to hold other people’s children. I’m the youngest of three and a natural nurturer. I would daydream about what my adult life would look like and it always included a house full of children. Then I got older and excelled in academics and all of a sudden, my identity was linked more and more to accomplishments and success. I graduated from high school at the age of 16 and started my career by the age of 20. By the time I met my now husband my family goals had been put on the back burner to my career aspirations. The week that we met, I had spent time looking at job openings abroad and was ready to give in to my travel bug tendencies by exploring a position out of the country. God had other plans. Plans that in retrospect, I’ve stubbornly fought. I can be hard headed.

As I reflect on these events of almost 19 years ago, I can clearly see how I’ve come full circle to my natural tendencies as a nurturer. My career dreams have shifted in order to do right by my marriage and family. Even though I’m on social media daily for the purpose of my blog, I have a love - hate relationship with everything it represents. Social media’s polished snap shots of life can cause one to feel inadequate and lonely, all while being surrounded the thousands of “friends.” It can at times amplify our feelings of inadequacy in parenting and marriage and make us feel not good enough or a failure due to the mistakes that we’ve made. The positives of social media are that is has allowed me to meet, establish and maintain relationships with amazing women, that have kept me connected and grounded throughout this parenting journey. These women (some are mothers and others are not) have encouraged me to be transparent and vulnerable in order to continue to mentor and inspire others. Is life perfect? Heck no and that’s the truth that I want to focus on this Mother’s Day.

Parenting is hard work and I hope that this atypical Mother’s Day blog post will help you realize that no mother – child relationship is perfect. We all make mistakes. We all fall short. There are no perfect mothers, so if you have a difficult relationship with your mother or feel like you’re messing up your own kids; be encouraged. You’re not alone!

As Mother’s Day approaches, I’ve asked my readers to share their hearts and answer the question: “Do you dread or look forward to Mother’s Day?” The answers have confirmed that I’m not alone in my reflections on this day. That it’s possible to love and mourn something simultaneously. Mother’s Day is a day of celebration for many, but also a day of pain, loss, regret, sadness and hurt for some. I’m incredibly grateful for the vulnerability shown by my readers and their willingness to share their stories. I loved the ones of mothers who plan their own Mother’s Day down to every detail (me included) and enjoy every minute of being charge.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s no secret that I’m married to a psychiatrist and other than travel blogging and homeschooling my kids, I also manage his private practice. Our lives are incredibly hectic, causing us to be intentional in our boundaries, expectations, self-care and communication. I’m a big proponent of therapy and mental health priorities. My husband and I actually went to marital therapy prior to getting married and it was one of the best things that we’ve done for our relationship. He often tells me that I’m an extremely complicated woman; that there are so many layers to me, sort of like an onion. I’m not sure that any woman wishes to be compared to an onion, but I’m inclined to agree with him. I’m driven, dedicated, hardworking, tough and independent on the outside, but extremely sensitive and a bleeding heart on the inside. I struggle with saying no and tend to over extend myself. As a result, I often find myself drained. I’m trying to do better. It’s why I take a break at noon twice per week and take a taekwondo class, why I play music and dance around the house often in order to reduce stress and why I’m expressive of my need for help or a moment of silent.

If you’re a mother or an adult son or daughter struggling this Mother’s Day, I urge you to get help. You cannot be all things to all people, nor can you give from an empty vessel. Don’t believe the lie that counseling and therapy are not for you, or that being weak or hurt is not an option. Don’t continue to hide behind the façade and smile through the pain. Toxic relationships, the hurt that they cause and years of pent up pain, will leak into other areas of your life. I hate to be a joy kill this Mother’s Day, but I’m honestly tired of the pretenses and falsehood that surrounds us, not only on social media, but also in church pews, sports fields and gatherings with friends. Keep Mother’s Day simple this year. Take the first step on the road of breaking the cycle that keeps you stuck. Break the chains of pain, hurt, trauma, denial, failure, lies and shame and set yourself on the path to be the best daughter and mother that you were created to be. Shame and isolation will keep you thinking that you’re the only one struggling this Mother’s Day. That’s not true. My reader’s feedback and my husband’s clinical experience proves otherwise. You are not alone. Now, what are you going to do about it?

Your stories and feedback confirm that mothering is complicated.

That being a mother, can be lonely.

That toxic mother – child relationships exist and cause a deep void for many on a holiday meant to celebrate something good.

That motherhood can leave us feeling like we can never measure up.

I’ve carefully read your words and reflected on your private joy, triumphs, failures, hurt and pain, and I see you; you matter, your story has a purpose. I pray that all children and mothers who read these words, are inspired to love someone well. Even if it’s not your own mother, wife, daughter or friend, please pause and consider how you can bring a smile to someone’s day on Mother’s Day.

If you’re overjoyed on Mother’s Day – I celebrate with the readers who shared that they look forward to Mother’s Day each year. Several shared pictures of their children taken throughout the years on Mother’s Day, as they reflect on the passing of time and the beautiful memories made. I’m there with you. Mother’s Day is probably the one day when I’m actually in the pictures with my family. My husband makes a point to have me get in the pictures on this day, rather than always being behind the camera. I’m a paparazzi mami, I love documenting the chaos of raising four young children without a village. I’ve lived the last 14 years in a perpetual state of exhaustion, yet I treasure each picture from Mother’s Days gone by. If you’re a tired, overworked, bags under your eyes mother who’s holding back tears at how quickly time flies when you’re in the midst of hands-on parenting, I see you and you matter. You are good enough.

If you dread Mother’s Day – Several readers responded that they dreaded Mother’s Day or at least have at certain stages in their life. The reasons behind this dread varied and I will expand further on them later, but a common thread was family hurt, dreams lost and a history of trauma. I urge you to read this blog post by Negra Bohemian on the importance of giving yourself permission to be weak. There is such power in weakness and vulnerability.

We live in a society that places value in perceived perfection and strength, to the point where people are faking just about everything. I’m so grateful for your willingness to be transparent and vulnerable. You’re not alone. I urge you to keep reading and be encouraged.

If you’re mourning on Mother’s Day – Mourning shows up in many different ways on Mother’s Day. It causes us to pause, take a deep breath and acknowledge that pain in our gut, as the memories surface. It shows up in the form of the husband unable to celebrate motherhood fully with his wife, due to the void left by the loss of his own mother. It’s in the pain felt by the mother unable to fully smile, as she clenches her teeth while reading her Mother’s Day cards and feeling the pain of missing her own mother or also the pain of remembering a lost child. If you’re mourning on Mother’s Day, give yourself permission to weep and cry. Mother’s Day doesn’t have to equal a “Stepford Wives” fake joy. It’s okay to not be okay. Mourning shows up in the form of the woman struggling with infertility who tries to avoid public spaces on Mother’s Day. I see you and you matter. It shows up in the one who’s dealing with the loss of a child on Mother’s Day. I see you and you matter. It’s in the young widow helping her own children attempt to make her breakfast while being reminded of all the lost dreams. I see you and you matter.

If you’re struggling and wish that you could skip Mother’s Day – When my husband was a resident, I dreaded going to church on Mother’s Day. I consider myself an independent woman, yet I experienced a sense of dread when I entered a public space alone on Mother’s Day. I’ve had to do it on many occasions due to my husband’s work schedule and living in a town without family. I’ve celebrated Mother’s Day alone while pregnant, with a baby and with several kids and it doesn’t get easier. What does that say about our culture, that women would rather stay home in their yoga pants alone on Mother’s Day rather then enter a place of worship?

Last Fall, I wrote a blog post: Life Lessons on my 40th Birthday. One of the lessons that I wrote about was: Don’t left fear be the emotion that takes precedence in your life. As I reflected on my emotional response to other’s perceived judgement of me, I recognized that it came from a place of fear. I no longer care what other people think and that’s the biggest gift that I can give myself on Mother’s Day and beyond.

If you’re struggling with fear and anxiety this Mother’s Day – I see you and you matter.

If you’re a single mother who’s tired on Mother’s Day – I see you and you matter.

If you’re a mother who hasn’t slept through the night in years – I see you and you matter.

If you’re an adult child struggling with how to honor your mother while balancing appropriate boundaries – I see you and you matter.

If you’re a mother who feels likes you’re not good enough or that you’re failing your kids – I see you and you matter.

If you’re the mother of an ill child who’s not meeting milestones with their peers – you’re the real-life superheroes and I see you. You Matter. In fact, I celebrate each milestone with you, regardless of when they come.

If you’re the mother of a wayward teen, who’s a joy kill and sucking the life out of you – I see you and you matter.

If you’re the mother of adult children who don’t call nor visit – I see you and you matter. I urge you to use that love to bless one of the aforementioned mothers who are also struggling this Mother’s Day.

Guess what? Mother’s Day is just another day. There I said it. It’s time for us to learn to manage expectations and stop seeking affirmation and validation exclusively from external sources. Don’t allow the tendency of turning your kids into an idol, rob you of joy this Mother’s Day. Your worth is not determined by how well dressed, well behaved or perfect your kids are. I urge you to choose to see the good and seek out the moments that bring you joy. For me, it’s going back to my dreams deferred and getting away from the grind of daily life. We started off doing day trips on Mother’s Day because my husband was a resident and often on call and thus attached to a pager. I hated that thing! I was tired of Mother’s Days spent at the hospital cafeteria and going to church alone with young children. My own mother lives in another state and holidays in general were always kind of lonely for me, in those early days of our marriage. I decided one Mother’s Day when my husband wasn’t on call, that all I wanted was a day with no cell phones, pagers nor distractions and the only way to get that was to travel somewhere with limited cell phone service. We ended up on a picnic on a beach in Newport, RI and that has become our family tradition. I have no expectations of gifts, perfectly cooked meals, nor the ability to sit through a brunch and actually eat my food while it’s still hot. It’s so freeing to choose to simplify this day and rather than focusing on failures, focus on my blessings. I call this intentional living. Every day I make a choice to choose joy. It’s not easy, but I urge you to look in the mirror and hold yourself accountable for your own actions. Extend yourself grace and get up every day with the intent to live your best life, today.

Click here to read an additional blog post on Intentional Parenting that I wrote last Mother’s Day!

Excerpt:

Finding joy in this process of raising little humans, while simultaneously balancing marriage, work, travel and homeschooling can feel daunting at times. As a work from home and homeschooling mother of four active children, I constantly hear “you’ve got your hands full” while attempting to go about our daily existence. Recognizing that our life choices are outside the norm of adult life in the United States, I tend to smile, nod and keep it moving. Making a conscious decision to live intentionally requires not engaging in frivolous conversations, nor validating our family’s choices with complete strangers.

No, I’m not more patient than you, I’m not super woman and I actually wear makeup to hide the bags under my eyes from the 13 years of sleep deprivation. I’m simply a woman getting up daily “grateful for a new day with no mistakes in it, yet.” This Mother’s Day, let me challenge you to live an intentional, grace filled life and provide you some suggestions on how to go about doing so. Click here for more...

About Ruth: I’m a wife and mami of 4 active and globe-trotting kiddos. I’ve always loved a good adventure and truly believe that it’s possible to travel with kids. Join me, as I share our adventures and inspire you to get out of the house with your kiddos. Whether you’re planning a family vacation, a road trip or a trip of a lifetime to an exotic destination, I’ll share insights, trip reports and information that will inspire you. Check back often to stay up to date on things to do with kids at your next travel destination.

#mothersday #intentionalliving #intentionalparenting #findingjoy #familylife #family #adventure #dreams #mothersdayhurt #mentalhealth #therapy #breakthecycl #dealingwithhurt #loss #pain #hope #love #bloggervibes #parenting

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minah-delacroix · 5 years

Text

Cherries and confessions

Minah Delacroix - Paris, France

Summer of 2015

The world of Minah Delacroix had been nothing but glamour and fancy soirées for as long as her memory allowed her to remember. For the young girl, watching men in tailored suits and women in couture dresses flock her family’s residence to swoon over her grandmother’s latest fashion event or to discuss politics with her grandfather, was a daily life occurrence. Aged fifteen, Minah was regarded -not without a certain degree of envy- as the perfect heiress for the Delacroix family. Among the exclusive circle of French ruling class, many wished their children had grown up to become such perfect prospects. And just as many couldn’t wait to be spectators of yet another high-society tragedy, when -and if- Minah happened to fall from grace after becoming one of those horrible teenagers who stumbled drunk at parties or liked to get experimental with forbidden potions.

That’s why la crème de la crème of French wizarding society had gathered that evening so willingly at the Delacroix Manor for ‘Le Bal Rosé’, an old-fashioned tradition the Delacroix family had kept for centuries to introduce the young women of the household to society. Minah had described the event, to her friends, as a celebration as equal parts wedding feast, prom, and cotillon where she would officially be presented to the French haut societé, just so her family could reaffirm their social superiority and prove that despite it all, the Delacroix attracted substantial public attention and its rituals continued to command near-universal respect. However, not everybody was there to show their respect to the family, some only wanted to criticize the lavishness of the event, the choice of flowers decorating the ballroom, or the dress pick of the young heiress.

It was not a shocker that the only grandchild of Duc Louis Pierre Philippe Delacroix, one of the richest men in Europe, excited as much admiration as it provoked resentment. Everything about Minah was graceful and delicate. Her every movement was elegant, her words rolled off her tongue with effortless eloquence and her beauty was unique and -as her aunts’ friends put it- ‘exotique’. Elizabeth Delacroix’s delicate fairness and Junho Kwon’s striking facial features had combined to create a peculiar beauty in Minah. She was slender, with long legs and beautiful eyes; her face was finely chiseled, her skin pale and her hair a unique shade of chestnut. Minah was by any means, the perfect heiress for a household as honorable and prestigious as the Delacroix and so, everybody expected to see her reputation tarnished with one of those shameful scandals that made it to the headlines of heinous tabloids. People like the Oliviers, a wizarding family with delusions of grandeur and an openly recognized dislike for the Delacroix were sure it was only a matter of time before Minah’s image (along with her family’s prestige) crumbled, bringing shame and dishonor to her household.

However, in the modern world that most “mythological mummies” (like Johannes Casablancas called anyone older than thirty) didn’t understand just yet, falling victim of a real scandal took more than just a casual hook-up or a crazy party night. Kids those days were far ahead of their clumsy parents and above those ridiculous life-shattering scandals that seemed to have been pretty common in the past.

“Teen pregnancies are for dummies and uneducated Americans” Jane Durand scoffed as she put away the latest issue of “Witch Cosmo” with a disgusted face. The girl had been lying on the carpeted floor of Minah’s study room for solid twenty minutes, kicking her legs up in the air as she chewed a strawberry flavored bubble gum whose scent now lingered in the air mixed with the fragrance of the freshly cropped lilies Julien had gifted Minah and the seawater smell of his perfume. “What can’t adults understand about protection and contraceptives?” She inquired, glaring at the magazine open to an article titled ‘Why abstinence is the right choice for young witches?’

Her comment made Antoine de Lapin, her best “guy friend” blush like the inexperienced teenager he could’ve been if it wasn’t for Jane’s willingness to teach him one or two -or dozens- things about women. Sitting on the desk, he fidgeted nervously with the silver wristband Minah had gotten him for his birthday a few weeks ago and avoided looking at Jane or Julien, who was clicking his tongue at the blonde’s rambling.

“Don’t tell Minah her aunt gave us that magazine or she’ll avoid us for the rest of the summer out of pure embarrassment” Julien warned, although he didn’t really believe his friend could keep her mouth shut about Minah’s grandaunt, Adelaine, trying to give them ‘the talk’.

“You aren’t worried she might feel strongly inclined to follow that advice, right?” Jane retorted, eyeing the open magazine once again, this time with a huge smirk crossing her lips.

Before Julien managed to scold Jane for even suggesting his words held anything other than sincere preoccupation for their friend, there was a loud thud. The three friends immediately turned their heads to find Johannes Casablancas lying on the floor, eyes narrowing in pain after failing to properly climb the last step into the room, through the open window, and landing on his bum.

“Ugh. I did not need that mental image” The guy skipped any greeting and frowned, turning to give Jane a severe-looking glare. Johannes Casablancas was the eldest of the bunch and by far the most judgmental, although Jane liked to point out, whenever the opportunity arose, that he was also the most experienced and a hypocrite.

“Why? Does the image of Julien wanting to-” Jane made a popping sound with the gum in her mouth “-Minah’s cherry disgusts you?”

In unison, the three boys turned to look at Jane. A mixture of reproach and disgust replacing their usually undisturbed demeanors. Johannes scrunched up his nose and Antoine looked frankly scandalized, but Julien’s face twisted into a grimace that made him look as though he had just been forced to swallow a lemon whole. If anything, Jane had always believed Julien’s problem was how much of a prude he was. Otherwise, he would’ve probably been dating Minah for months and her best friend wouldn’t have to make all those questions she had been asking lately about her virginity-loss experience.

“Ugh. How charming, Jane!” Johannes snorted “Where did you pick those euphemisms fr-?”

“How can you even say that, Jane? It’s our best friend you’re talking about, not some fictional character from those books you read!” Jane chuckled at that, frankly unbothered by the way Julien’s voice went up “Don’t ever repeat that again, especially not in front of Minah.” As complacent and forgiving he usually was with the blonde’s slips of the tongue, Julien looked truly offended this time. The way his jaw locked and his eyebrows furrowed only proved Jane she had really crossed the limit of what he could bear.

An odd feeling of pride filled up Jane’s chest as she rolled eyes at the boy. Then, a brief, but uncomfortable silence settled over the room.

It was brief because a few seconds later the door flung open and Minah Delacroix materialized into the room, cheeks flushed pink and panting as though she had just crossed the finish line of a marathon.

“What happened?” She inquired, looking perturbed by the obviously charged atmosphere. Julien made an attempt to smile at her, but he was interrupted by Jane.

“Nothing, just Julien being a pru-“

“What’s that?” Thankfully for everybody, Antoine de Lapin was tactful enough to stop Jane from splurging her nonsensical comments. Instead, he pointed at the package Minah was holding with force against her chest.

“Oh, this…” There was a moment’s worth of hesitation from her part. “Uhh… This… Nothing!” Minah stuttered, hiding the package behind her back. “Just one of those gifts from my grandparent’s business partners”, she said once she managed to pull herself together.

“Wrapped in a paper from the Owl Post Office?” Johannes asked from behind her, forcing the young heiress to turn on her heel, slightly startled at his unannounced presence and even more unwanted question.

“No-“ Minah shook her head. She didn’t look very amused about Johannes almost causing her a cardiac arrest. “When did you even get here? In fact, why did you come this late, the party is almost over.“ She complained, anger progressively replacing her shock.

“I think that’s exactly why he came” Antoine enlightened, a soft laugh accompanying his words as Johannes gave a confirmation in the form of an energetic nod.

Minah turned to look at the oldest of her friends and her gaze traveled meticulously up and down as if to take in the full scale of Johannes’ appearance. Bulky leather jacket, dark jeans and scuffed leather boots, everything about his outfit seemed out of place in that room and the whole Delacroix Manor. Minah was almost relieved he hadn’t shown up earlier, otherwise, Aunt Adelaine would’ve gone through a second near-death experience in less than a day. The first one being Minah’s choice of dress. A long, but almost transparent Dior gown with a daring low cut that revealed the creamy milk of her skin nearly down to her navel and allowed her to show off her long and toned legs.

“Well, at least you didn’t ditch us for the next girl in your list” Minah let her guard down and sighed resigned, plopping onto the sofa Louis XV, a family relic.

“So while you were gone, we were planning our next night adventure-“ before Minah could react, Jane snatched the mail package resting on her lap “Aha!” She looked triumphant as she read the name written on the box. “Lee Sungjae!” She said out loud, ecstatic as if catching one of Minah’s lies merited her a Medal of Honor.

“Who’s that?” Julien wished his words had not come out as reproachful as they did, but he had already jumped to his feet and strode toward Jane to see the name with his own eyes.

“He’s just a friend,” Minah said wearily.

“I had no idea you had friends outside us four” Johannes also joined Jane and Julien on the task of inspecting Minah’s mail. “Oh… nice handwriting, it seems like he put a lot of effort-“

“Oh, come on, give it back!” Minah protested, jumping to her feet.

“How come we’ve never heard of this Sungjae?” Julien asked trying to sound as casual as ever. It made Jane chuckle, but Minah was too flustered to notice.

“He’s a friend from England. Goes to Hogwarts.” She explained, snatching the package from Johannes’ hands.

“Oh… a Brit…” Julien wrinkled his nose in disapproval.

“So why is this Sungjae owling you? Good news? Is he probably coming to visit this summer?” Jane asked question after question, earning herself a glare. “Oh, mon Dieu! Minah, is that why you’ve been asking me about how I lost-“

“Jane!” Minah gasped scandalized, raising her voice a bit too high for what it was considered appropriate and ladylike in the Delacroix Manor. Everybody flinched, half out of surprise and half out of the sheer volume at which she had screamed. It was almost a miracle Aunt Adelaine had not appeared in the room to scold Minah for her inobservance of social protocols.

“But-“

“No.” Minah cut her off “Sungjae is just a good friend, I asked him to send me a book I couldn’t find here and he was kind enough to do it. That’s it. That’s the story!” She picked the package and shoved into the first drawer of her desk. “Now, let’s get going before I regret it”

There was an evident contrast between the old-world elegance and luxury of the Delacroix Manor, its museum-worthy objects and the impassible facade of its residents, and the rawness, avant-garde atmosphere of Piscine Molitor, its concrete walls and the group of loud teenagers breaking In at night. Minah decided that after a long day of forced smiles and rehearsed greetings, she liked the latter best. Especially when Julien was included in the whole package; especially when times like those seemed to be about to slip through her fingers.

Despite the stress, the heartbreak and the uncertainty of the past days, Minah suddenly felt submerged in a perfect state of peace and relaxation. The soft nocturnal breeze had stilled and the moon hung bright over her head as the latest track Antoine had composed for the guys’ band played in the background. Minah had slipped into a modest jumpsuit that didn’t show as nearly much skin as her ball dress and was lounging on the chairs with a plastic cup of something that tasted like ten percent spirited water and ninety percent ethanol. At her right, Julien dressed in a pair of shorts and a simple sleeveless tee smoked a cigarette as though it was a heavenly experience, his lips sexily parted in a silent gasp as he released the smoke from his mouth. At her left, Johannes —still sporting his leather jacket—, chanted the lyrics of their unreleased song, high on his drug choice of the week. Jane was off somewhere, probably corrupting the morals of the only decent teenage boy she knew and Antoine… well, everybody knew Antoine was that boy.

“Were you talking to him the other day?” Julien’s voice suddenly interrupted Minah’s silent musings. There was evident confusion in her face, so he quickly clarified “The Brit… At my house, when you were whispering on the phone… were you talking to him?”

The young girl didn’t understand whatever Julien meant by that, but once she processed his words, her heart seemed to stop violently for a second.

“No, I was talking to someone else” The memory was still fresh in Minah’s head. It was her mother, but Julien didn’t need to know that because her mother worrying about her was a rare happenstance and it only led to more questions. Questions Minah didn’t want to answer at that moment. “No, it was someone else,” she said.

“I thought you said it was a friend”

Minah took a sip of whatever Johannes had brewed in the plastic cup. “Do we really need to talk about that?” She said dismissively, “You’ve never really been interested in my social life outside you four”

“That’s because we had no idea you had a social life outside us four” Johannes chimed in, before jumping to his feet and claiming he would look for Antoine, who had confiscated whatever muggle substance he had been getting high on.

Minah rolled eyes at her friend’s blatant lie.

“A someone, no gender, just someone?” Julien wasn’t usually so insistent, so Minah let out a frustrated sigh involuntarily.

“Yes, just someone I don’t see often and was delivering some news. Nothing important”

“A friend who lives abroad? Someone from our childhood? Do I know them?”

Minah had never thought a conversation with Julien Toubeau could ever become so unnerving, so she took yet another sip of Johannes’ cheap alcohol and rolled eyes. “Merlin, you’re not going to stop, are you? Seriously Julien, you four know everything you need to know.” ‘At least for now’ a voice spoke inside Minah’s mind. “So stop stressing and let’s better plan our trip to Montenegro. I’m seriously dying to see the Venetian Forts and-“

“I feel you’re hiding something from us” Julien almost sounded angry. “And you’ve never hidden anything from me” He added solemnly. Then he stood up, stripped his shirt off, tossed it on the chair and jumped into the water as if to avoid dwelling on the same topic (which he would have done, had not been for his dignified sense of pride).

Standing by the pool, Minah gulped down the content of the plastic cup as she concluded that Julien Toubeau wasn’t angry. He was disappointed. And somehow that was even worse.

It was past midnight when Jane and Antoine reappeared trying a bit too hard to look casual. Minah and Johannes, who had been sitting by the edge of the pool, drinking the remaining of the unlabeled bottle he had stolen from his father’s bar, only exchanged knowing glances and quietly went back to munch from the platter of red fruits and macarons that Minah had summoned from the Delacroix Manor —leftovers from ‘Le Bal Rosé’, probably—.

“What’s with this mood?” Jane complained with a frown. The set of French muggle music playing in the background could barely be heard over the water splashing sound of Julien swimming his nth lap of the night. “And why is Julien acting as though he’s training for the Olympics?” She inquired with a darting accusatory glance at Minah’s direction.

“He’s just working out” Johannes shrugged nonchalantly. “You know Julien and his quirks”

No one bought that lame explanation, but Jane was particularly convinced that Julien didn’t really enjoy the nocturnal workout. The girl had the strong feeling that her friend was just avoiding Minah for some reason she was yet to know. And she wasn’t mistaken.

In fact, Julien Toubeau didn’t have any intention to talk to Minah for the rest of the night, so he thought it was more convenient to stay in the pool and save himself some pain and humiliation. However, the second he spotted Jane, Julien climbed out of the pool and joined his friends on the uncomfortable task of sitting in silence, which somehow resulted ironic if you considered the animated music playing from Minah’s phone. Antoine knew that Julien was just worried about Jane having another slip of the tongue, so he was closely keeping an eye on her, but he still laughed at the way Julien’s eyes widened when Jane opened her mouth to say something.

“I’m getting bored here, let’s play truth or dare!” Jane proposed, ignoring the way Johannes’ nose crinkled in disgust.

“Hell no!” Minah jumped on her place, almost surprised her eardrum had not exploited at Johannes’ strident refusal. “Oh, no, no, no” He yelled again right into her ear. “I’m not gonna sit here for an hour while you make out with Antoine and Jules and Minah play coy. I’m out of it” The guy stood up and sat at the nearest chair. Jane pointed out the hypocrisy of his actions because he didn’t want to play, but he refused to leave and apparently he wasn’t against the idea of watching his friends make out.

“Voyeurism” Jane concluded, shaking her head reprovingly.

If she hadn’t been so high in alcohol, Minah would’ve probably recognized Jane’s proposal as the horrible idea it was, but she stayed on the same spot and picked one of the cherries from the platter of fruit, popping it into her mouth in a way that made Julien blush when he recalled his conversation with Jane earlier that day.

“I guess I’m in,” Julien said with pretended nonchalance, which seemed unnecessary since Jane had already caught him gulping nervously.

Ten minutes into the game and Antoine had already ended up confessing he sneaked out with Jane every night of full moon to stargaze, but everybody understood that was a euphemism for fucking under the stars; Julien admitted to using a little bit too much of his perfume when he wanted to make an impression which, Johannes pointed out, had definitely been the case earlier at ‘Le Bal Rosé’; and Minah was challenged to feed Antoine strawberries mouth-to-mouth. Naturally that last part had been an idea from Jane to get on Julien’s nerves and to continue working on Antoine’s confidence, but Minah had shrugged nonchalantly, lifting a strawberry from the bowl and putting it on the tip of her lips before leaning in so Antoine would bite down on it. The juice of the fruit dribbled over their mouths and before Antoine could realize the magnitude of the act, they had delved into a hungry kiss. The kiss could’ve as well lasted a minute or an hour, but when Antoine pulled away Minah noticed with fainting sensation that Julien was on his feet and before she could register he was moving, he had already turned on his heel and left fuming.

Minah found Julien hiding in the dimly illuminated comfort of the locker rooms. He already had a half-hearted insult cresting on the tip of his tongue by the time the young heiress slid on the spot beside him. Of course, he had been expecting to see Antoine or Jane, so his mouth went dry at the sight of Minah.

“Jules” The girl called softly, pronouncing that endearment name she had given him when they were nothing but kids. “What happened out there?” Minah inquired, watching him intently as Julien apparently collected his thoughts. He had known Minah for as long as he could remember and he had never succeeded at staying mad at her for too long, especially when she pronounced THE question he knew she was about to ask. “Are you mad at me?”

Julien felt an icy chill run down his spine as Minah’s gaze fixed on his face. She was looking at him expectantly with those beautiful eyes of her, blinking at his every slight move until he mutedly said “no” and buried his face in his hands.

“Jules…” Minah softly pulled at the sleeve of his t-shirt, forcing the boy to look at her “Why did you run away? You still believe I’m lying to you?”

Julien shook his head

“Then…” If Minah had been better at picking signs, she would’ve stopped asking questions right then, but growing up with Jane Durand had not been a particularly good lesson on subtlety. Minah tilted her head and placed her hands on each side of Julien’s face.

“I am jealous, Minah. That’s it!” Julien pulled her hands away from his face and before she could muster a complaint, he blurted “It was me who you should have been kissing. Not Antoine” Minah evidently wanted to chime in, but Julien took a finger to her lips, asking her to stay quiet. “I know we grew up together as family and I know you don’t see me as a boy, but I do like you Minah and today when you received that owl from whoever this guy is, I just felt like I’ve been wasting time and I was angry-“ He immediately caught the way Minah’s eyes widened and he hurried to add “but not at you, I can never be mad at you, I was angry with myself because I never seem to gather enough courage to tell you the truth, to tell you that I like you and-“

Minah gave Julien no time to complete his confession. She fitted her lips to his and kissed him with a soft sound of satisfaction that resembled a lot to a moan. The kiss started off gently, but thoroughly and Minah didn’t dare to move until she felt her whole body tingling. Julien kissed her back, simultaneously feeling a sense of floating and falling. He had waited for it for so long that now he could barely restrain himself.

“I- I- also- I - like- you- too,” Minah said, panting for air, once they finally pulled away. “I like you too, Jules. I thought you knew. I like you too”

Out of pure instinct, Julien got his arms around Minah, pulling her closer to him. His mind had gone blank and he could barely hide a blissful smile making its way onto his face, but Minah’s next words took him out of that trance.

“I know I will sound crazy, but that’s exactly why I want you to be the first one” Minah grabbed one of his hands and looked up to him with her round eyes, and long lashes batting. “I want to have sex, Jules-“ She shook her head “I mean, I want to lose my virginity with you”.

Minah was already overwhelmed with emotions and shivering beneath Julien’s touch when he pulled her up on top of him and kissed her forehead. He tightly clung to her naked body, wrapping his arms around her tiny waist and watching her with adoration. “Be my girlfriend?” His words came out in the form of a low whisper, causing Minah to tense up almost automatically. An older Julien would’ve never dared to ask a similar question, especially not after ‘deflowering’ the girl of his dreams in a soggy pool locker room. But the fifteen-year-old Julien was still too young and too whipped to understand why his question was so inconvenient. He was also too hopeful to anticipate what happened next.

Minah broke down in tears.

For a second, panic whirled through Julien’s mind. He felt disgusting and guilty at the mere thought of having caused Minah physical or emotional pain. He thought that he should’ve known better than to give in so easily to Minah’s suggestion. He should have told her to think through, he should’ve probably waited and planned a special night for her.

Was she probably regretting what they had just done? Was she revolted after loosening her strict moral values? Maybe it was normal for a girl to bewail the loss of her virginity…

“I can’t, Jules” She said in between sobs. It wounded his ego.

“But-“ The boy let his arms fall to the sides, disappointed and humiliated. It was becoming a recurrent feeling whenever Minah was involved.

“It’s not you…” She interrupted, looking up to him with her rounded eyes glistening.

“No, of course not. It’s probably you, non? He couldn't stop the sarcasm dripping from his words, but Minah didn’t take the offense. Instead, she forced herself to smile at him as she reached to caress his hair.

“I’m moving, Jules” She looked into his eyes, so he would know she wasn’t bluffing or making up an excuse. “To London, at the end of the summer. They are transferring me to Hogwarts”

“Your parents?” There was a turmoil inside Julien’s head. He didn’t know what to say or how to begin, but words seemed unnecessary once he noted Minah’s eyes filling up with tears. “I don’t care. I will wait for you to come back”

“Jules, please” Minah let out a derisive scoff “You’re going on a tour with the guys. Chances are you meet someone and you want to date.”

“I won’t,” Julien said firmly, he ran his hands up and down her back and planted a sloppy kiss on Minah’s neck. “Not after this,” he said, pulling her closer to him, so he could feel the way her whole body responded to him.

“Jules, don’t be ridiculous. You know-“ Minah’s words died in her throat when Julien captured her lips in a heated kiss that made her groan.

“Why? Do you plan to meet someone else there?

“In Hogwarts?” Minah rolled eyes in pretended offense.

“Then, there’s no reason to worry” Julien skimmed his hand along her shoulder and up to cradle her head in the crook of his neck. “Whatever spell you’ve put on me will surely keep working until next summer, at least…” He chuckled lightly, making Minah hide her face in embarrassment.

“Jules…” Minah called his name and hesitated for few seconds before daring to ask a question that Julien had also been meaning to ask —not as openly, of course— for some minutes now. “Can we make it again?”

Julien wasn't sure how they'd ended up there, but he was feeling like the luckiest bastard on the planet.

“Is that even a question?” Minah’s body softened into his while the fingers of his right hand slid into her hair and his free hand pulled her hips toward him.

They say that first times are always painful and messy. There is awkwardness and regrets and even disappointment afterward, but Minah Delacroix was actually glad and satisfied with every step along the way. For one thing, she was glad she wore that lacy set from La Perla that aunt Aurelie had bought her as a birthday gift; she was also glad she bathed in floral essences before sneaking with her friends that night; but first and foremost, she was glad she had picked Julien to be the first man in her life, as cliched as it sounded. Although it had happened in the abandoned headquarters of what once upon a time had been the most stylish Art Deco building of Paris; although Julien improvised a bed on a sports mat. Although there were no candles or lilies or champagne for that matter.

#julien #jane #antoine #johannes #minah #story #oc

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artofdistressgames · 3 years

Photo

Ali Horn’s Early Origins

I did comics about being depressed as part of my master’s thesis. It starred my OC from the My Little Pony Fandom. My thesis was in fiction, but I turned in nonfiction memoir comics, fiction, and poetry because I’m a smart ass and my program encouraged cross genre study. This is a one off chapter of the depressed unicorn I named “Iambic Hexameter.”

The depressed unicorn image was something that I came to by writing a story in response to a classmate’s work. I gave him a critique that his abstract work needed some more to ground it. When aesthetic debate failed, I tried to write a story that mimicked his silliness while still being uniquely mine and more importantly as a proof of concept for my aesthetic theory. That brought me to “Unicorn Hunting” which would be published in Specs: Journal of the Arts. That classmate kind of wrote the story off and gave me condescending encouragement to “keep trying” or something like that. But it set in motion my aesthetic as it really was the first time I broke down what I believed artistically and then attempted to do it. This started my obsession with the sad, suicidal unicorn which ultimately was a stand in for my own mental illness.

It was this work in the realm of unicorns that had my roommate show me the reboot to My Little Pony. Fun fact: Art of Distress is a reference to the My Little Pony song “Art of the Dress” and our original project was a horror game for Chromecast we made for a game jam, not a mental health game.

The game “Unicorn Crossing” came up when Katie, Jeremy, and I were celebrating Jeremy’s birthday. Jeremy and Katie were talking about a game design concept that I think is now lost to time, but it gave me the idea for a depression simulator where you manage your mood, willpower, and social energies. We spent the rest of the day brainstorming on this...Okay, so we also went to Build-A-Bear.

Weeks later Katie, having had read my master’s thesis, kind of saw the unicorn as my depression comics pony. Here was Katie’s placeholder programmer art. (Katie and I have very much the same workflow in that we both like to start on paper and end in the computer.)

She even gave it my OC’s cutie mark and curly hair. There’s something really cute about this look. I was really tempted to ask Katie to just make the art. There’s something like a first love every time you meet your character for the first time. You’re tempted to think that this is the one, and Romeo and Juliet die for your teenage crush. You have to keep designing though. The next iteration was my putting slightly different proportions on Katie’s basic idea. I tried to remove some of the My Little Pony elements. Also the parts that were just my OC.

About a year after the initial idea we did a game jam where I started to work with a redesign. I was a writer trying to write cartoons. As a way of taking charge of my own destiny I started studying drawing and animation to expand my prospects. We scrapped this design when Jeremy said he didn’t like the beady eyes. I put kawaii eyes on and something didn’t work. Somehow Unicorn Crossing was lacking its soul. We were having trouble finding it from the points of view of visual design, gameplay, and story.

For a lot of reasons Unicorn Crossing kind of just went into a box. Seemed like Katie and I both needed to grow professionally, artistically, and mentally before we could guide this game back on track.

Everything seen here is not final game art. In fact, none of this early art will be used in final gameplay. To see the final game art (at least for now), you can see it here.

#indie game dev #dev log #Sharifs #character concept #character art #video games #art of distress #unicorn crossing

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chrismalcolmhnd2c · 4 years

Text

Doorstep Portrait

©Annie Dresner

“In time of test, family is best.” – Burmese Proverb.

Research the Narrative

In your workbook or blog, research Social Portraiture. There will be further tasks and support through the Contextual Studies class.

Tell the Story

Organise a group shot that will involve a minimum of three people.

Following restrictions imposed by lock down, photographers have been finding neW and inivitave ways to continue their practice of social photograhy, and in turn documenting the current situation.

You may interpret this brief in a variety of ways however the end product should display a group of sitters photographed safely on location.

The location will be the sitter’s residence or work place however consider the best place at the location to photograph the sitters. Windows, doorstep, garden shed? Have fun with the posing.

Good location, controlled lighting, co-ordinated styling, effective communication, and effective posing/composition will all add to the ‘experience’ for your sitters.

A parental consent form should also be created when any members of your group are under 16.

Edit and refine: Complete worksheet

These images should be of a quality suitable for a private client to purchase and print, retouching flaws, great composition, sharp and properly exposed.

Submission: One Final A3 folio print ready canvas with 2 significantly different images of the same group.

Initial research for Social Portraiture for “White Shirt”

https://chrismalcolmhnd2c.tumblr.com/tagged/white

Further research on Doorstep Portraiture

Coronavirus: Doorstep photo diaries capture life in lockdown

Published 21 May 2020

Magnus and Jenny have enjoyed spending more time together during the coronavirus lockdown.

Over the last eight weeks doorstep photos have provided some of the enduring images of Scotland's lockdown.

Families, couples and housemates are having socially-distant photographs taken at their front doors in an effort to record these unusual times.

Among those following the trend to create snapshots of modern life is Glasgow photographer Caro Weiss.

"I now have more than 100 shoots booked over the next four weeks," she said.

"I've done a great mix of people, artists, makers, couples, people with dogs, kids. I have been booked for an anniversary shoot, a 'should have been our wedding day' shoot, birthdays, and ones that friends have booked for their friends to cheer them up if they are finding it really tough.

"I can't wait to meet everyone. It's the highlight of my days now."

We asked some of her subjects to tell us about their lockdown experience.

Alison and Willie McBride

Alison and Willie McBride, both in their 60s, can't do their regular jobs at the moment.

"We've recently moved to this flat which fortunately has its own private garden which we are thankful for during lockdown and we spend time there reading and playing Scrabble. We sent our doorstep photos to our daughter and family living in America and our son, daughter-in-law and another daughter living in Manchester. We are trying to face this crisis with quiet resilience and the photos show a sense of being in it together and looking after each other."

Susanne Bell and Stephen Gallagher

Musicians Susanne Bell and Stephen Gallagher wanted to document lockdown with a growing bump.

"I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant and we wanted some photographs to document our lockdown with our growing bump! We've not been able to visit friends and family for three months now so we're really missing seeing them and showing off the baby bump. We are both musicians who play in bands and teach music so we are working from home with Stephen's son Johannes who is 12. We've been really lucky to have lots of musical instruments and projects to keep us busy. Stephen is in a band called Scaramanga and has been writing, recording (remotely) and releasing new music."

Jenny McLean and son Magnus

Jenny, 38, wanted to record Magnus' sixth birthday during the lockdown.

"We're coping well - we face Queen's Park, so we never feel too isolated with all the people coming and going for their daily exercise. We've kept busy through a combination of juggling work, craft projects, schoolwork and a worsening online shopping habit (I bought a 1960s swimsuit the other day… when I'm next going swimming, I have no idea!). We've been lucky to stay healthy throughout. It was Magnus's sixth birthday at the weekend so it seemed the perfect way to remember his day, and a time where - amidst the pandemic - I've felt really lucky to have more time with him, away from our usual busy lives."

Barbara Smith, Chris Macfarlane, Innes and Ishbel

Barbara, 37, Chris, 38, and their children Innes, 6, and Ishbel, 4, loved their "daft" photos.

"We are so pleased with our photos, they're so informal and more than a wee bit daft. Kids get big so quickly, it's a real treat to have a record of this time, even if it has been quite intense in parts! We are all healthy and enjoying having more family time, although I'm not sure I'm quite cut out for home schooling. I'm a wedding florist, so my business has been affected drastically, everything is either cancelled or postponed. Which at least means that I am able to take on childcare now that Chris has to work from home. He is a college tutor and is having to adapt to teaching his students online."

Cecilia Stamp, Greg Paterson and Leo

Cecilia Stamp is looking after her mum in nearby sheltered housing and has lost a family member to the virus.

"I'm a jeweller and I don't have full access to my workshop at the moment so I have been working as best I can but I really miss my workspace - especially as there's equipment I don't have at home. One of my main priorities has been looking after my mum who lives nearby in sheltered housing, doing food shops for her etc, as she can't go out. We've had a family member die from the virus down south, which was a huge shock as he was in good health, so it's been especially difficult for her too. We couldn't go to the funeral and trying to sort things remotely was a challenge."

Kenji Kitahama and Till Stowasser

Till, 42 and Kenji, 44, are both working from home.

"We're hanging in there and trying to make the best of the situation. We're very lucky in that both Till and I are able to work from home. Till is a professor and has been holding all of his lectures online since the beginning of March. I'm a bookbinder who makes bespoke photo albums and books. I run my small business from my home studio, so the lockdown hasn't affected my daily work routine a great deal. However, this is a time when I'm usually busy making wedding albums but since all of these celebrations have been cancelled or rescheduled, it's been a bit quieter. We're so grateful for all the frontline workers and of course, the postal service—who are making it possible to keep my little business afloat."

The McGarrigles

Eamon, 40 Claire, 40, Nancy, 5, and one-year-old Nena are getting used to sharing their space a lot more.

"We are currently adapting to the new way of life with Eamon now working from home. I'm no longer able to work as my place of work is temporarily closed due to Covid-19, so I am now attempting to be a home school teacher to Nancy who was in P1. We are missing our families and friends so much as we are both from Northern Ireland originally and have no family here in Glasgow. Our kids keep us sane and drive us mad in equal measures. I hope they will remember this time in their lives as the time we all got to hang out more, baked cakes, clapped with all our wonderful neighbours on a Thursday night and painted rainbows."

Terri Hawkins and Ernst

Terri Hawkins, 31 and Ernst Wolf, 2, have a flat full of flowers.

"I am a florist and rely mainly on weddings and events, so my business has been hugely affected. Me and my partner Angus fell through the cracks for government funding so we had major money panics. My business was the only way we could earn money, so we turned our living room into a dried flower workshop and came up with these flower arranging kits that people can make at home using dried flowers. They are great and keeping the whole family just afloat right now! Angus has started working for me, he's in charge of the logistics, computer stuff, ordering and I do all the making.

"Our house is a mess filled with flowers, our poor two-year-old has to watch TV every morning whilst we frantically work, we try and get it all done for lunch time then spend the day playing with our son Ernst! The online flower shop has been our families saviour, we are extremely grateful."

The Evans family - Mhairi, Maeve and Joe

Mhairi, 35, Joe, 36 and Maeve (who will be six next week) have made the best of a bad situation.

"Joe and I are working from home and juggling home schooling. We've all been lucky to be quite well but did have some mild symptoms near the beginning so went through isolation. It's pretty full on. Some days are fun, some days are really hard and we've all been up and down. Maeve is beginning to really miss her friends and her school. We're just trying to make the best of it but we miss our families and friends a lot. I have so much respect for all key workers and I'm happy to stay at home for as long as we have to if that keeps them safe."

Hazel Jane and George Windsor

Hazel Jane, 23 and Dr George Windsor, 29, had only moved in together in February and say their lockdown was a "cohabitation of fire".

"We're both lucky enough to continue working full-time from home throughout lockdown and we do this by rotating spaces between the kitchen table and the sofa. Neither of us have shown any symptoms so it's been a smooth ride in that sense, but we have certainly suffered the mental health dips that come with quarantine and won't be unhappy to see the end of it. We moved in together in February so this has been a cohabitation baptism of fire. Also, these are not the haircuts we went into quarantine with. Mine is now considerably longer, while George's DIY cut leaves lots to be desired."

Claire Jonston-Dawson, John and Eddy

Claire, 33, John, 30 and Eddy, 2 have enjoyed more time together in their "flat bubble".

"We co-own a tiny pizza restaurant with a friend, so life is completely different for us in lockdown as we are closed right now, and have been since mid-March. It has had its ups and downs, as we, like so many others, still wait to find out what financial help we're getting for our business, but restaurant aside we've adjusted to slower, much simpler days and getting to hang out together. And we know we are some of the lucky ones in this situation, so really just spend our days swinging from guilt to gratitude for our small but cosy flat bubble, to being overwhelmed and angry at the UK government."

Source: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-52706375

Further Research

Photographers taking 'doorstep portraits' capture candid picture of life in lockdown from Kent's towns and villages

By Sean Delaney

Published: 27 May 2020

Photographers across Kent are taking candid shots of households on their doorsteps in a bid to document precious family memories and drum up funds for the NHS.

The industry was among those hardest hit by the lockdown restrictions as studios, weddings and other public places were all deemed out of bounds.

Couple Charlie and Lauren Moore in Snodland Photo: Strawberry Photography

But now so-called "doorstep photoshoots" are providing families with the chance to capture some priceless memories during these difficult times.

It has also afforded snappers a safe space in which to engage with clients and neighbours while also bringing in some much needed cash for their businesses and the health service.

New mum Sarah Hunt is currently running her business Strawberry Photography from her home in Snodland.

The 32-year-old usually focusses on weddings but as these have all now been rescheduled until next year the doorstep project has been providing a new outlet in-between caring for her three month old daughter Margot.

Each session is conducted outside and in line with government guidelines on the two metre distance, although in reality Sarah says it’s closer to four or five metres because of the quality of her camera lens.

Tony Legg and Jane Pullinger-Legg who is a nurse assessor in the NHS Photo: Strawberry Photography

"It was a little bit slow at first. I think people couldn't quite grasp the idea of how it worked," she said.

Work soon began to pick up and Sarah has been booked in for various sessions around Snodland which she times around her baby's feeds.

"These have been a lot of fun and gone down really well," she said. "My approach is very relaxed and informal which enables me to create real and candid photos."

"I was doing virtual shoots and these were okay but they are just not the same as getting out and taking photos".

Sarah has snapped everyone from a funeral director to a nurse assessor and her pet pooches.

But a group she has taken shots of regularly is mums-to-be and includes one expecting mum who found out she was pregnant just days before going into lockdown.

Funeral director Gray Reigate, pictured with wife Zoe, daughter Molly and Boris the boxer Photo: Strawberry Photography

She said: "As well as family photoshoots, I have also photographed mums to be which has been so great as many of them have been in lockdown since the start of their pregnancies, so this has been a lovely way for them to show off their bumps.

"Otherwise there is going to be people being like 'oh my god' you're pregnant.

"Adapting my business to be able to create these images for people in these unprecedented times has been extremely rewarding – It's also great to just get back out there with my camera."

Payment is collected through contactless means and £5 from every shoot is donated to the NHS.

Sarah is also part of a team of Kent wedding suppliers who are putting on a wedding worth £35,000 for one lucky NHS worker.

The competition is the brainchild of Lou Finn, owner of Ashford-based Bake To The Future who has brought together 52 suppliers to donate their services for free.

The Champion family photo: Estelle Thompson Photography

Another photographer who has been doing her part for the NHS is Sevenoaks-based Estelle Thompson.

The 46-year-old has been capturing a frank snapshot of what lockdown life has been like in the small village of Fawkham in Longfield.

Estelle's calendar would usually be booked up with weddings and baby shoots at this time.

But when the Coronavirus struck her business Estelle Photography ground to a halt and as a self-employed worker says she did not qualify for government relief.

She wrote on her blog: "My heart broke every time a bride contacted me to discuss new dates for a wedding that was long awaited and now would be pushed back further."

Scarlett and Harry used the photos to wish their nanny a happy birthday, as they couldn't be with her. Photo: Estelle Thompson Photography

The snapper filled her time taking shots of her dogs and birds on the garden feeder but said nothing could match up to the joy of "capturing the personalities and cheeky smiles" of people.

"We are never photographers because it pays the bills, we are photographers because we love it," she said.

Estelle noticed people talking about a project in America called "Doorstep portraits" and decided to emulate it in her own tiny village by posting on the Fawkham community Facebook page.

The response was simply overwhelming, she says, with so many people wanting to be photographed – mostly to document what the current time is like for their children.

It was this which was to serve as her main motivator throughout the period, she adds "for those kids to be able to turn around to their own kids and show them this is what it was like".

In return Estelle asked villagers for a £10 pledge to the NHS and has now amassed more than £500 thanks to various generous donations.

Adele Barker is the new priest-in-charge at Saint Marys Photo: Estelle Thompson Photography

She said: "So, I had photographed the village, the people that live here, the rocks and the rainbows.

"It is kind of my gift, to the village that I love, where both my home and my business is."

She recalls how even her husband became a hero in the village after dressing up as a Tyrannosaurus Rex and surprising a three-year-old boy from afar while having his birthday party in lockdown.

The photographer says the idea has since "spiralled" into a time capsule, with her being asked to bury a USB containing some of the doorstep portraits.

She even snapped the new priest Adele Barker who arrived at the local church St Marys in Longfield not long before lockdown.

"So much has changed," she said. "If you look back now the first photo had daffodils, now there is blue bells."

Estelle's husband dressed up as a dinosaur to celebrate neighbour Josh who was celebrating his third birthday in lockdown Photo: Estelle Thompson Photography

But even though she misses her family and friends Estelle says she is incredibly grateful for her village neighbours.

She added: "The community during this time has just been incredible –to have their experience to document."

David and Jemma Rannard of Click:Create Rannard's Photography and Design have been offering to take family portraits outside homes but also to record important events during lockdown.

David said: "The family photos have really taken off. It is a way for people to keep in touch during these terrible times.

"When we realised people were making the effort to stage VE Day parties at home we thought it could be a natural extension of what we do."

David and Jemma Rannard and daughter Eva of Click:Create at Iwade offering VE Day photos on your doorstep

Wife Jemma, a graphic designer, is usually on hand and the couple now have an apprentice in the shape of their nine-year-old daughter Eva.

The couple charge £20 for a 10-minute photo shoot and donate £5 to the NHS.

It’s an emotional pledge for the family who sadly lost a friend to Covid-19.

And while offers of work are now coming in from different parts of the county the couple say they are having to decline them.

He explained: "It really only started as a bit of a service to villagers in Iwade where we live. We have done a few in Sittingbourne but I didn't think it was right for us to travel too far.

"It really angers me when people don't take this situation seriously and ignore the advice we are being given. The more we all sacrifice now, the quicker it will be over."

Source: https://www.kentonline.co.uk/authors/sean-delaney/

#doorstep

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alenightshade · 4 years

Text

2019, what a year

So many things happened, I don’t even know how to start.

January

At the start of the year, I promised myself I would open up, meaning I would try and make new friends, open my heart to people, stop pitying myself, enjoy my life and simply live...

We had our last rehearsals before the tour, in a country I had not been in for over ten years, it was exciting. It was the promise of new memories, of starting off the year with the right foot

February

It was finally time, we arrived to Panama. Firstly, I spent the most time apart from my mother despite being ‘together’, nevertheless it made me realise how much I needed to breath and just how much I’ve been living for her sake

We danced and danced, though not as successfully as we have been other times. I got exasperated many times with the girl who was in “charge” of us, though I grew closer to Zoe which I appreciate, she’s nice and had we not lived together for over a week I doubt I would’ve befriended her. Also when I went back to school I saw the original signature of Hernán Cortés of 1521, what a welcome back!

Panama also meant something to my heart. For the first time someone looked at me in a way I didn’t despise. He was a musician, the singer from the group who accompanied us as we danced. We had great chemistry, he was interested and his easygoingness made me like him. He flirted and I flirted back, we exchanged numbers so when I returned home we continued texting; well, I did, he voice-messaged me and thank goodness he did because he had terrible grammar and spelling.

He was really charming and got me hooked, he knew what to say and I fell for it. The effect of his words didn’t last long though

March

We continued our conversations but they were few and far between, they got less exciting as time went by, honestly as I realised how uncultivated he actually was and how he kept on flirting with no substance underneath, it was starting to get old real fast. He sent me pictures of himself and asked me to send him some, I never openly refused just avoided it or changed the topic, but he was set on it.

When he kept on nagging me and I was at work, I left his message on seen and he had the guts to throw it back at me, I had had enough and apparently he got the memo I was not interested for he texted me to have a good day and so did I, never spoke to him again. Months later I would discover he had been married all along

April

A not very exciting month, time to focus (another word for worry) on school. I suppose the most relevant thing I did was seeing a ballet narrated by Mario Iván, it was a play for children but it was charming.

May

A month that meant much for my heart. I went back to San Joaquin after five years of absence, I started having so many negative thoughts the last time I was there, it was the start of my anxiety I just had not realised. I went back much mentally healthier, it was great to go and enjoy the contest despite me not participating. I danced and I was inspired to dance again and again.

“Mi Querétaro lindo, te llevo en el corazón. Le voy cantando a mi cielo, mi cielo querido, rayito de Sol”

June & July

They come together cause I cannot remember anything particularly special. We danced at Tultitlán, visited some archives but other than that I only worked

August

Oh the start of my downfall, August. Omar was designated as my mentor and we started working together. I had always like him, when I first met him I thought he was handsome but even better than that he was just... nice. So, when I was assigned I found myself quite happy about that.

We started sharing memes and texting and diverging from work, I found myself liking him more and more. I will never forget the smile he gave me when I told him he might not believe how socially awkward I actually was and he asked why, it was the kind of smile that reached his eyes, the smile that made my heart stop when I met his eyes. His smiles, his eyes, his laugh, I was growing painfully aware of how much of an effect he had on me, to the point of stupidly smiling in my classroom when I left his, of looking at the glass door hoping to see him when he left. When he came into my classroom because he had “forgotten” to give me the list to sign... I couldn’t help but smile every time.

September

Oh my lovely September, what else could I have asked? It was probably the happiest month of my life, unapologetically so.

He was the first to congratulate me on my birthday, the day after he asked me out under the excuse to celebrate (I’m still waiting to get that coffee) I was so excited, that meant he was interested, right? He was. I went to his classroom and our students saw right through us. Every time I saw him since those last days of August my heart raced. Days later he confessed he had a crush on me and it was as if my heart did a backflip, my smile so big but faltered a little when he said he had a son and an ex wife. We spoke about it the next time we met, I felt guilty for second guessing but I had made up my mind even before meeting face to face, I wanted him. He told me his story and asked if I wanted to give it a shot, if I was willing to jump, to which I replied with a “yes, I want to try”. And so, our lips met for the first time.

The next day we met before classes started and he gave me a real kiss, I can still recall his smile when he left my classroom.

We texted everyday, our mentoring sessions also became make out sessions. He was exciting. He was smart and funny, handsome and charming, caring and sharp. He was the kind of man I had waited for all my life, the kind of man I wanted to keep for as long as I could.

October

The up and down month. We had started to call each other love, to speak about more delicate topics, to tease each other sexually.

We went to the cinema but he ended up fingering me and us kissing and feeling each other up for most of the movie. He walked me home a couple times and one of those times I blurted out no one was home, I lost my virginity that day. I was not afraid, not with him, he made me feel desired and I had no more second thoughts, I just felt. I started wondering how his hot seed would feel inside me. We had sex again some days later, he had brought his bike and I asked for one last kiss before he left so he took off his helmet to kiss me once more, I’m glad I did.

Our plans didn’t work out most of the time, at the end of the months his wife sent me a message, telling me they were still married. I was so pissed, I shook in anger. The next day I saw him and he smiled at me anyway and it broke my heart, I couldn’t help but cry as he held me close to him by the waist as he came clean. He said “te quiero” and I wished he had said so before, for I did too.

November

I was so conflicted. My feelings for him still there, but my pride and morality on the line as well. I came to the conclusion I wanted to sleep with him twice more, that I would give him and myself the month to say farewell, it didn’t go as planned. We kept kissing, shorter ones, our conversations reduced but we still felt the attraction and more than that how comfortable we felt with each other. We slept together again when I got my period.

I realised how I made good friends with Caro at Uni, I trust her, I enjoy her company, so unexpectedly we became close during the year

December

I lowered my grades, I couldn’t focus. I need to work on that for my next semester. I also got assigned higher level groups at work which makes me nervous and makes me feel like I need to up my game

Omar and I continued talking and flirting and just spending time together while apart. We slept together again and that day I felt so loved, everything was so easy, he held me in his arms after, we laughed and played with each other, it felt so right, it still does.

I drew his portrait and his hand, we sexted, we joked and had heavy conversations that probably would have been better left for when we were face to face.

He makes me so happy, I cannot deny it. But I can’t deny how many questions I have either, and how guilty I feel some times. I want him to choose me but I refuse to ask him.

2019

All in all, it was a great year. I allowed myself to feel and it brought me pain but also love and much happiness. I feel I smiled so much more than in the past few years.

I’m just gonna end up saying that I feel proud of myself, of how far I’ve come, of letting myself be happy, of being happy, of smiling, of making mistakes, of trying. I’m in a better place, I know who I am.

#me #my year #my thoughts #Omar #happy new year

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vipcryptosignalscom-blog · 6 years

Text

Remembering Satoshi’s Vision — Because It Used To Be Written

New Post has been published on https://vipcryptosignals.com/bitcoin-news/remembering-satoshis-vision-because-it-used-to-be-written-2/

Remembering Satoshi’s Vision — Because It Used To Be Written

On October 31, 2008, Satoshi Nakamoto had a imaginative and prescient to proportion with the arena — a protocol he called “bitcoin, a new digital cash machine that’s totally peer-to-peer, with no depended on third birthday celebration.” When You Consider That that time a whole lot has changed, and there is an unlimited Cryptocurrency panorama with over 1,500 virtual currencies indexed on data feed web pages. It’s been a very very long time given that Satoshi left the group and his vision, the white paper, and even the protocol’s proof-of-paintings has been wondered more than one occasions over the years.

Additionally read: Privacy-Centric Coin XMR Splits Into 4 Other Monero Protocols

BCH Proponents Imagine That Many Key Attributes Had Been Slowly Replaced With A Whole New Concept

Satoshi Nakamoto left the neighborhood in 2010, and no one has heard from the nameless writer of bitcoin ever considering the fact that. at the second the bitcoin group has split into two factions due to the scaling debate, that coincidently started the same year Satoshi left. Many bitcoin money supporters consider the BTC side of the neighborhood hasn’t ever had a legitimate excuse towards raising the 1 MB block size by using a refuse to offer in at-any-value mentality. The bitcoin cash neighborhood believes this workforce has been so cussed that Core supporters basically enabled blowback to happen this earlier August, allowing a large majority of customers to go their separate techniques by way of forking the protocol, sooner than the introduction of the contentious Segregated Witness (Segwit). The protocol Segwit had been and nonetheless is debatable and hasn’t gained a lot traction even to at the moment. All of those people who as soon as shared similar visions with their peers, formed any other group and rallied around the bitcoin money (BCH) network believing that BCH is the nearest chain to Satoshi’s authentic imaginative and prescient.

A slide from Dr. Peter Rizun’s speech on the way forward for Bitcoin convention displays just one the reason for this is that people find Segregated Witness damaging.

Revisionism

Along all of this vitriolic power tethered to the scaling debate, BCH supporters say there were moderately a couple of individuals who consider “Satoshi’s imaginative and prescient doesn’t topic,” and actually have the audacity to suggest making adjustments to the creator’s white paper. many people will tell you the explanation for this is because supporters of the Segwit chain have discovered that the report does not apply to the BTC community. Sadly, BTC hardly ever resembles what’s described in Satoshi’s white paper. as an example, the co-house owners of Bitcoin.org, ‘Theymos,’ and ‘Cobra Bitcoin’ among others have mentioned converting certain words in Satoshi’s paper. Another example is how the web portal Bitcoin.org, that’s heralded by means of Middle supporters as ‘truth,’ got rid of the cheap and fast transactions description for bitcoin off the front page — the reason for that is since the description doesn’t follow to Center community.

The house owners of Bitcoin.org have mentioned modifying and revising the white paper on more than one occasions.

after all, bitcoin money supporters were livid approximately this technique of revisionism used by the opposite aspect of this debate. it’s steadily said that “Satoshi’s vision” or the writer himself doesn’t matter, but BCH supporters consider so much free-thinking folks needless to say history is vital. Satoshi’s phrases and his authentic white paper is extremely essential in opposition to holding the community from being perverted. Someone who denies history doesn’t know the way issues got here to be, they usually may have a major issue coping with the long run. The prior is the long run’s direct causation. The very name of the white paper explains that bitcoin is a “peer-to-peer electronic money machine” which displays absolutely no references to keeping the coin as a speculative asset, or any comparability that represents a ‘digital retailer of worth.’

Bitcoin.org removes positive descriptions from front web page.

Can’t Afford to Send Bitcoin? — Maintain It — It’s ‘Censorship Resistant’ for a certain Crew Of People

After close to a decade, one by way of one, BCH supporters state that particular options that used to be promoted extensively some of the bitcoin neighborhood have been slowly forgotten. within the early days, bitcoin used to be regarded as pseudonymous and wanted equipment like mixers and tumblers that could assist provide anonymity. Alternatively, as a result of the upward thrust in transaction prices so much bitcoin mixers and tumblers found the network unsustainable, and many were not able to combine coins because network charges have been both too dear and unreliable. Further, during the occasions when BTC suffered from excessive community congestion, and unconfirmed transactions spiked to neatly over 200,000, darknet mixers and tumblers had been referred to as out for ‘spamming the community.’

There’s nobody that may in point of fact argue that this meme is inappropriate.

Remember That while transactions were once defined as cheaper than so much centralized processors like Western Union? in the early days, other folks expected billions of micropayments helping other people in need and third world international locations. As An Alternative all through 2015- 2017, Middle advocates and developers said they didn’t mind if fees aggregated to $100 according to transaction. Center developer Gregory Maxwell stated through the worst period of BTC’s transaction backlog and $60 fees that he used to be popping bottles of champagne.

“In My View, I Am pulling out the champagne that market behaviour is certainly producing process ranges that can pay for safety with out inflation, and likewise producing charge paying backlogs had to stabilize consensus development as the subsidy declines.” ~ Greg Maxwell Dec. 21, 2017

It didn’t subject that economically unfortunate nations couldn’t have enough money to make use of the bitcoin blockchain as long because the chain persisted to stay ‘censorship resistant’ — Sarcastically this concept procedure results in the censorship of greater than 2/3rds of this world who have a difficult time making an allowance for paying $0.25 cents in keeping with transaction (tx) let alone $30-60 USD according to tx. It’s safe to say that taking part in the rising rate marketplace procedure is immediately out of a Ponzi scheme guide the place only the early adopters are folks that can have the funds for to make use of the network advantages.

The Resurrection of Killer Apps

Middle supporters will let you know that bitcoin cash proponents are deceptive by utilizing the open emblem name ‘bitcoin,’ while in truth all BCH proponents imagine they are doing is “adhering to Satoshi’s original imaginative and prescient.” in fact, the chain and the BCH community are direct derivatives of cussed blowback. Revisionists and actors with confirmation bias have clung to arguments that make no experience and act like the world is set to undertake an entire new infrastructure called the ‘Lightning Community.’ That Is after knowing on-chain BTC transactions are not very fast, and on-chain BTC transaction charges are unreliable particularly during periods of demand. Unfortunately, mainstream attention that took place right through THIS AUTUMN of 2017, was considered one of the worst periods of time for congestion, as BTC fees aggregated to upwards of $60 according to transaction and affirmation instances of up to per week for low fees. Then the mainstream used to be directed to a device that is now not even close to common adoption, although this mainstream target market used to be mainly at a tipping element in opposition to mass adoption.

On April 4, a document was once published that distinct prime flaws and topology considerations with the Lightning Network. the writer of this take a look at used to be neither a bitcoin money or bitcoin middle holder.

Fortunately for mainstream adopters, BCH supporters imagine bitcoin money will be there to offer the very things that were promised within the early days that made the theory of cryptocurrencies so cool — precise rapid, affordable, and reliable transactions that cannot be censored.

That Is as a result of BCH supporters state that mainstream audiences and users from third global nations received’t be hindered from using the Cryptocurrency as a result of unreliable transfer times and tumultuous network charges. in addition they gained’t have to learn to adopt a brand new community on best of the blockchain or know about the failings of routing, watchtowers, centralized hubs, opening channels, or keeping coins online in limbo. No, all they will have to be told is how to make use of bitcoin as it used to be taught for the prior 9 years. Mainstream audiences also are getting a glimpse of an ‘software resurrection’ of tools that were once heralded by way of the BTC neighborhood. The bitcoin cash ecosystem has resurrected mixers and tumblers, micro-tipping packages, a Bittorrent platform, social media apps like Memo and Blockpress, even the power to send very small fractions of BCH with out a web based connection.

Protective Propaganda and Censorship Over Judgment Of Right And Wrong and Concepts

Bitcoin money proponents suppose that revisionists will proceed to take a look at and say that Satoshi and the white paper “doesn’t subject” and can attempt to revise historical past to make bitcoin one thing that it isn’t. Why do BCH enthusiasts imagine this? Most Likely it is as a result of supporters of bitcoin revisionism have defended propaganda and censorship, so much that it has develop into a routine job on some of bitcoin’s most frequented boards. All of this for a cussed win-at-any-price mentality that wouldn’t even permit the dialogue or open debate of including one measly megabyte to the block measurement. No, BCH proponents imagine the confusion Center supporters whinge approximately, rests on their conscience, because they obfuscated the protocol’s original intentions, nameless minions sniffed out dissenting critiques, and cried once they were given the blowback (the delivery of BCH) they deserved.

It’s secure to mention that Satoshi’s vision can be remembered, and his white paper will stay protected from adjustments. However, BCH supporters keep in mind that the revisionists may also be known for being intellectually dishonest and as sophists attempting to stay bitcoin hostage. Bitcoin money fans believe that when August 1, 2017 bitcoin’s adverse takeover has ended, and there’s now an avenue available to continue following Satoshi’s vision.

What do you think that approximately the idea that almost all BCH supporters consider that Center proponents have revised history and have tried to lessen Satoshi’s imaginative and prescient or even adjust the white paper? How do you take into account that this historical past? let us recognise within the feedback below.

That Is an Op-ed article. The evaluations expressed on this article are the author’s personal. Bitcoin.com does not recommend nor fortify perspectives, reviews or conclusions drawn in this post. Bitcoin.com is not answerable for or accountable for any content material, accuracy or high quality within the Op-ed article. Readers should do their own due diligence prior to taking any movements associated with the content material. Bitcoin.com isn’t accountable, directly or indirectly, for any injury or loss caused or speculated to be caused by or in connection with the use of or reliance on any information on this Op-ed article.

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