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sirfrogsworth · 5 months

Note

Hi Froggy,

I hope you've been well! I wanted to reach out and first say that you inspired me many years ago to rescue a corgi! She was a grump, I think she may have taken her name (Elphaba) too literally. She recently crossed the rainbow bridge, but she was such fun and a joy. I hope our pups are playing together, somewhere peaceful.

I have a question unrelated to stumpy Corgis. I'm a veteran birth doula and an aspiring birth photographer! I've been trying to research cameras, lenses, and all sorts of technical stuff. I'm leaving towards purchasing the new Nikon ZF, because of the purported low-light capabilities.

Lenses are throwing me completely.

Do you have any guidance or resources to help a newbie like myself? Not really looking for an in-depth answer (I know how complicated things can get), but maybe a general push in the right direction?

If you don't want or can't answer, no hard feelings! I enjoy just seeing your posts on my dash and I hope the rest of your year is amazing and calm!-Steph

(continued...)

My budget is pretty flexible, since I am an independent contractor the expense would be tallied towards my taxes. But that being said, maybe $1-3k? I know it's important to invest more into lenses!

Usually, I am in a hospital, and lighting is extremely variable. I would be shooting mostly in low-light before baby is born. During delivery and after there is usually a spotlight or fluorescent lighting. The low lighting is exactly why I was looking at the new ZF, but if you have suggestions on that too I'm happy to hear them!

It's very cramped when the baby is born, most medical and support staff are clustered around the laboring person.

Warning! A lot of birth photos will have baby crowning or blood. It's a messy business, so I don't want to trigger you if you're sensitive to those sorts of images.

I will not be able to be directly next to the laboring parent, more than likely I'll be a few feet away, possibly behind the parents or standing on a stool.

After the baby is born, I'll be able to get closer to both parents and baby!

Here's a portfolio that is close to what I would like to provide (once again TW for blood and crowning):

https://www.sarahginderphotography.com/birth-photography-north-new-jersey

I cannot thank you enough for any help or advice, this whole endeavor is like learning a new language!

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Note from Future Froggie...

I went way overboard on this response, as usual. I have decided I'm going to break it up into 3 parts.

First, an encyclopedia of lens terminology.

Second, a camera and lens buying guide.

Third, practical advice for shooting in cramped rooms with tricky lighting conditions.

While this will be geared towards the original ask, I think this could be helpful to a lot of people. So, let's learn about lenses!

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Lenses throw everybody, just because there are so many options. It can be overwhelming to look at a picture like this and wonder what will suit you best.

It's a lot of pressure too, because lenses are more important than the camera in a lot of ways. Interchangeable lenses are probably the biggest advantage big cameras have over smartphones these days.

But I think I can help get you up to speed.

The following terms are photospeak you might hear in camera and lens reviews and if you aren't familiar with them, it can make it difficult to figure out what camera and lens to purchase.

I tried to put these in an order that makes sense, but some terms relate to other terms and you may have to read the list twice to make sure you understand how everything mushes together.

Froggie's Encyclopedia of Lens Terms

Lens Mount

Every camera has a specific lens mount. Sony calls theirs the E Mount. Nikon has the F Mount (older) and the Z Mount (mirrorless). So you need to make sure the lens you are looking at is compatible with the mount on your camera.

Mirrorless cameras all upgraded to a mount with a "short flange distance." Going without a mirror allows the lenses to be closer to the sensor.

Long story short... Short flange distance = easier lens design = sharper/lighter lenses.

However, if you want to use older DSLR lenses, there are adapters for Nikon and Canon that allow you to do that.

Aperture

"Aperture" is an opening at the front of the lens. It gets bigger to let in more light or smaller to restrict light.

Wider apertures have a shallower depth of field, causing blurry foregrounds and backgrounds outside the plane of focus. Smaller apertures expand the focus area to keep more stuff from being blurry, but they let in much less light and are difficult to use in dark environments.

Aperture can be a creative decision or it can be a technical decision or it can be a mix of both. If you need a blurry background, use a wider aperture. If you need everything in focus, use a smaller aperture. If you need more light in a dark scene, open it up.

F-stop

"F-stop" is a number representing how big the aperture is. A lower number is a bigger hole. Higher number is a smaller hole. It is helpful to memorize f-stops as they are not easily divisible. Cameras generally allow third stops, half stops, and full stops.

These are all a "full stop" apart.

Stop Down/Open Up

When someone says to "stop down" a lens, they are telling you to make the aperture smaller or use a higher f-stop number.

If they say to "open up" they are saying to make the hole bigger or lower the f-stop number.

Depth of Field (DoF)

Depth of field refers to how much of the photo is in focus. Things in front of the plane of focus will get blurrier and blurrier and things behind the plane of focus will get blurrier and blurrier. A shallow depth of field means only a tiny sliver of your image will be in focus. A deep depth of field means almost everything will be in focus.

The wider the aperture, the shallower the depth of field.

The smaller the aperture, the deeper the depth of field.

Focal Plane or Plane of Focus

The focal plane is the sharpest point within the depth of field. You can imagine an imaginary section of 3D space where things within the depth of field are sharp and things outside are blurry. The farther away from the focal plane, the blurrier they will get. But the focal plane is not always dead center of the depth of field.

Typically, at close distances, things will be sharp half in front of where you focused and half behind where you focused. As things get farther away, that changes to more 1/3 in front and 2/3 behind. The ratio changes even more at greater distances, but the 50-50 and 1/3-2/3 ratios are typically what photographers try to remember.

Shallow Depth of Field

The focal plane is something you need to be very aware of at close distances with a wide aperture—as the depth of field can end up as a tiny sliver.

Let's say you are only a few feet away from a baby and you have the aperture set at f/1.2. You focus on the nearest baby eye, and then you notice its ears and nose are out of focus.

The plane of focus and shallow depth of field are causing this issue. This might be a worthy compromise if you are in a dark room and your ISO is very high and you are worried about too much noise.

However, if you can use a flash or some kind of lighting, you can stop down your lens and increase that depth of field around the focal plane.

Bokeh

Bokeh is the quality of the blurriness. Some people are more obsessed with how good the blurry parts of the photo are more so than the in focus parts. Bokeh is typically judged by "bokeh balls" which are just out-of-focus lights in the background. While I like attractive bokeh balls as much as the next photographer, I will admit this is one of the sillier aspects of photography.

Field of View (FoV)/Angle of View

This is how much stuff you can fit in frame at a given distance. Wide angle lenses can fit more stuff in at a shorter distance and telephoto lenses can fill the frame with stuff that is farther away. The focal length of the lens determines the field of view. The focal length is designated by millimeters and the field of view by degrees.

Focal Length

Technically, this is "the distance between the lens's optical center and the camera's sensor."

In simpler terms, this is how you determine the field of view of a given lens.

A short focal length, like 10mm, will have a wider field of view. You have to be very close to your subject to fill the frame with them.

And a longer focal length, like 500mm, will allow you to fill the frame with your subject from farther distances.

Typically all lenses are designated by their focal length. If someone says, "Hand me the 50" they mean a 50mm lens.

35mm Equivalent

Not every camera has the same sized sensor. So when we talk about lenses, we need a reference to help us understand how a given lens will behave. A 50mm f/2.8 lens does not have the same field of view or depth of field when placed on different sensors. So, we need a standard for comparison.

The standard that is used is the "full frame" sensor which is roughly the same size as a 35mm piece of film.

Anything smaller is considered a "cropped sensor."

Those cropped sensor cameras have a "crop factor"—a simple multiplier that helps you understand how lenses compare. And when you use this multiplier it tells you the "35mm equivalent."

Confused yet? Yeah, sorry, it would be easier if camera manufacturers chose metrics that didn't change depending on the sensor, but this allows them to make their cameras and lenses seem more impressive in the marketing.

There are two main cropped sensors for ILCs. (Interchangeable lens cameras.) APS-C and Micro Four Thirds. They have a "crop factor" of 1.5x and 2x respectively. The Micro 4/3 sensor is half the size of Full Frame, therefore it has a 2x crop factor. And when you apply this crop factor to the aperture and focal length you can determine how a lens will behave.

For example, a 50mm f/2.8 lens on a micro 4/3 sensor would behave the same as a 100mm f/5.6 lens on a full frame—as 100mm is 2x 50mm and f/5.6 is 2 stops above f/2.8.

As you can see, the Micro 4/3 lens is not going to do as well in low light. The iPhone boasts an aperture of f/1.8 on its main lens, but when you figure out the 35mm equivalent, it's more like an f/8 lens.

I went to all the effort to explain this because it demonstrates that larger sensors allow you to work in cramped spaces with less light. If you want to use a 50mm in a hospital room, you probably can on a full frame. But on a Micro 4/3 you might need to be out in the hall because your lens is acting like it is 100mm. So the Zf would be a good choice in this regard.

Camera Shake

This is the bad kind of blurry. Humans are not tripods, so when you are handholding a lens, you need to make sure your shutter speed is fast enough to freeze the action of your image. Camera shake is very easy to control on wide angle lenses and very difficult to manage with telephoto lenses.

Reciprocal Rule

The reciprocal rule states that in order to get sharp photos without blurry camera shake, you must set your shutter speed to 1 over twice the focal length of your lens. So if you have a 100mm lens, you need to set your shutter speed at 1/200 to be safe.

This rule breaks down at a shutter speed of 1/50 if there is anything moving in your image. So if a dog is running or a car is driving by, it will have a motion trail, but at least it won't be due to your shaky hands.

Image Stabilization

This is a feature some lenses have that helps reduce camera shake. Image stabilization can counteract shaky hands and let you get sharp photos with a much slower shutter speed. Newer cameras have sensor stabilization which does the same thing. And if you pair up a stabilized sensor with a stabilized lens, it is almost as effective as using a tripod.

Stabilization is measured in stops. You might hear a lens has 4 stops of stabilization. That means you can handhold the lens and not get camera shake with a shutter speed 4 stops below the reciprocal rule. So for that 100mm lens, that 1/200 becomes roughly 1/12. And if your sensor has 4 stops, you could handhold a shot for nearly a second without any shake.

However, at shutter speeds that slow, if anything in the frame is moving, they will probably have motion blur. But for still life scenes, or maybe a sleeping baby, this can be very handy if you don't have a tripod with you.

If being able to handhold at lower shutter speeds seems important, then you might want to seek out a lens with stabilization and pair it to a camera with sensor stabilization for maximum stable-osity.

Lens Compression

Lens compression is kind of a myth, but I think we still call it compression because it is easier to explain to beginners than optical physics. The lens doesn't really compress anything, it's actually a matter of distance and the aforementioned physics. But I'm going to go with the easy explanation for now.

Lens compression is a phenomenon seen with different focal lengths. If you take a photo with a 500mm lens, the background will seem to compress with the foreground. Thus objects in the background will seem much larger in size.

This also happens with faces.

Wider lenses exaggerate distance. At 10mm, the lens would only be a few inches away from someone's face.

From the lens's point of view, the ears are several times farther away from the lens than the tip of the nose. So the lens is like, "Your ears are really far away! And far away things are really small, right?" So the lens gives us a big nose and small ears and makes us look a bit alien.

But at 100mm, the lens will be several yards away.

From this perspective, the lens feels like your ears and your nose are nearly the same distance away. And the lens is now like, "Things that are the same distance away do not get bigger or smaller." The lens seems to compress or flatten the face, causing a more flattering appearance in the image.

Minimum focus distance

This is sometimes called the working distance. This is how close you can get to your subject while maintaining focus. If you get too close, your camera will just hunt and freak out perpetually until you back up and it can lock on again. This isn't always advertised prominently for lenses, so you need to make sure the lens will be able to focus in the space you plan to use it.

Extension Tubes

Sometimes called "macro extension tubes." These are spacers you put between your camera and lens to decrease the minimum focus distance. In some cases you can even turn a normal lens into a macro lens. These tubes are able to stack and the more you put on, the more into the macro realm you can go. They come in smart and dumb versions. The dumb ones require you to manual focus whereas the smart ones can still use the autofocus system. I highly recommend the smart ones, as they are not too much more expensive.

Lens Imperfections

There are a few imperfections that can plague all lenses and their quality is sometimes judged by how well they mitigate those imperfections. Here are some of those attributes.

Lens Distortion

As lenses get wider, they allow a larger field of view by accepting light rays that are coming from the side of your lens. Let's look at this image again.

Your lens then has to correct those rays and send them to a square, flat sensor. If you look at the 180 degree fisheye, that entire arc has to be flattened and made square. And as good as optical engineering has become, the wider the lens, the harder it is to keep the image from distorting.

This is typically called "barrel distortion." Minor distortion can actually be corrected in editing software. Every lens has correction algorithms. Though sometimes it is best to embrace the distortion, like on a fisheye lens. Make the distortion a feature and not a bug.

Chromatic Aberration

This is the fancy name for color fringing. This is a defect in the lens that cause false colors to contaminate certain objects in a photo. Typically this happens around dark skinny things against a bright background, such as tree branches.

Modern lenses have nearly eliminated this, except for the super cheap models, but if you do end up with fringing, this can be easily corrected in Lightroom or Photoshop. And many lenses even have that correction built in and all you have to do is check a box.

Sharpness

You might not think of sharpness as an optical flaw, but no lens is perfectly sharp. And the quest to make a perfectly sharp lens involves engineering those optical flaws to a minimum.

A "sharp lens" is one with incredible fidelity. Even zoomed in beyond 100%, sharp lenses will show great detail. If you can't get close to the subject and need to crop your photo later, having a sharp lens can make up for the loss in resolution—as you can upscale without much loss in quality. If you plan to make large high quality prints, a sharp lens will help more than tons of megapixels.

That said, if you truly want to get the most out of a high megapixel camera, a sharp lens comes in handy here too. A smartphone may boast in the marketing as having 200 megapixels, but it has a tiny plastic lens. So even though it technically has 200 megapixels on the sensor, the lens will give it the equivalent of maybe 8-10 megapixels worth of detail. People forget, the lens has a resolution as well, and if the lens cannot resolve 200 megapixels, you aren't going to get a 200 megapixel image.

A sharp lens will allow for more detail than higher megapixels. In some cases you need to double or triple the number of pixels to see an increase in detail. Whereas you can put a super sharp lens on a 12 megapixel camera and blow any smartphone out of the water.

And if you put a sharp lens on a 50 megapixel camera, you can almost see into skin pores.

So... sharp = more detail. And more detail gives you greater cropping power for when you can't get close to babies.

Now, I am obligated to say that some photo nerds chase sharpness as if it is some holy grail. They need the sharpest lens so all of their pixels are perfect at 100% zoom even though no one ever looks at an image that close. There are amazing photos that have been blurry. There are amazing photos taken with 50 year old vintage glass. Sharpness is just another tool. If you need to crop. If you need to upscale. If you need to print large... it is a great help. But nearly every lens made for a modern mirrorless camera is "sharp" to some degree.

So, if you need extra sharpness for certain situations, do your research and find a lens that is sharp as can be. But sharpness should be like 8th on the list of priorities.

Soft Lens

A "soft" lens is how a non-sharp lens is referred to. Most modern optics for mirrorless cameras have some degree of sharposity.

Sharpitude.

Sharp...ness.

So you don't need to worry too much about getting a detrimentally soft lens unless you go super duper budget. This is why I usually recommend people skip the "kit lens" unless they absolutely can't afford anything better.

Though sometimes people purposely get vintage lenses because they don't like sharpness and prefer the "character" of older lenses. The imperfections can achieve a different artistic goal. Though this can also be achieved through lens filters... or Vaseline.

I'm looking at you, Barbara Walters.

Sharpness at the Corners

When I read that in my head just now I said it the same way I do "Panic! at the Disco."

Engineers will prioritize sharpness at the center of the lens since that is where most of the interesting stuff tends to be. But also, the light rays at the center tend to be the most parallel as they head to the sensor, so they don't need as much correction. The rays coming from the sides have to be bent and manipulated to correct for distortion, so keeping things sharp at the corners can be a challenge.

Now, knowing that, and knowing how the aperture works, you can infer that when you stop down your lens and make the hole smaller, all of the light rays are constricted to a smaller area. This makes them easier for your lens to deal with, so if a lens has problems with corner sharpness, you can usually stop down to improve this. So if a lens is soft at the corners at f/1.8, you might be able to go to f/2 or f/4 to get better results.

Vignetting

Vignetting is a circular area of darkness at the perimeter of your photo. This is another side effect caused by the same things as soft corners. When correcting those non-parallel light rays, it causes them to travel an ever so slightly farther distance getting to your sensor. And the inverse square law tells us that light becomes dimmer as it travels longer distances.

This is very easy to correct. Usually your camera has a setting to correct vignetting if you are outputting JPEG files. And if you are shooting RAW photos, your editing software should have a check box to fix the vignetting—usually the same one that fixes chromatic aberration. This is usually called "lens correction" in most menus.

Also, same as with corner sharpness, stopping down your lens will usually fix this optically rather than with software algorithms.

Contrast

Contrast is probably the most important attribute to determine lens quality. Good contrast can make a soft lens look good. But lens contrast is not always consistent. It can get better or worse depending on the lighting in your scene.

The best way to test the contrast of a lens is to take a picture of something that is backlit. A person with the sun behind them is a great indicator. If they have no light on them, the person should fall into inky darkness. But if a lens has poor contrast, they will seem like a faded gray.

Focus Breathing

Focus breathing is a phenomenon where your focal length changes depending on how far away your subject is. It's usually not a big deal and most people don't even notice it, but if you ever do video, it can cause a few headaches. Some people can get annoyed because they feel they aren't getting the advertised focal length on the lens they bought. Like, if you get a 300mm lens and it only goes to 250mm for things super far away, that can be annoying.

This video explains it in detail.

youtube

Lens Types

Prime Lens

A "prime lens" has a fixed focal length and cannot be zoomed. Typically prime lenses are "faster" (wider max aperture) and sharper. Weirdly they can be very inexpensive or the most expensive. They can be extremely lightweight or weigh a ton. And if you want the sharpest lens possible or the fastest lens possible or both, it will be expensive and heavy.

Having at least one fast prime is usually recommended for any professional photographer.

Zoom Lens

A "zoom lens" allows you to zoom. Obviously. But there are few that go below an aperture of f/2.8, so less light gathering and you sacrifice a bit of sharpness. However, if you don't know how much space you will have to work with, the flexibility of a zoom can be invaluable.

Be warned, while a cheap prime lens can still take fairly good photos, cheap zooms are usually pretty terrible. There are plenty of reasonably priced zoom lenses to choose from, but if the price seems too good to be true, I would trust that intinct.

Wide Angle Lens

A "wide angle lens" is any focal length below 35mm. Wider focal lengths allow you to get more stuff in the photo at shorter distances. A theme you might notice with photography is that every benefit has a compromise or consequence to go with it. Wide angle lenses are wonderful if you are in a cramped space. They also make it easy to keep everything in focus. But as you go wider, distances become exaggerated and barrel distortion becomes more pronounced and harder to correct.

Things that are close to the lens seem huge and things farther away seem tiny. One trick to remember is things in the center of the frame will be less affected by distortion. Something to take into account when taking those smartphone selfies.

If you look, the ball looks huge in frame because it was only a few inches from the lens. Otis was literally smaller in frame than the ball despite only being about 2 feet away. However, he doesn't look all stretchy like the ball because he is centered.

Standard Lens

A "standard" or "normal lens" represents about the same field of view as the human eye. Generally around 40mm to 55mm on a full frame camera (there is some debate on this, but close enough). This is right about where you can take pictures of faces without the unflattering side effects of wide angle.

Telephoto Lens

A "telephoto lens" allows you to stand farther away and still fill the frame with your subject. Usually lenses 200mm and above are considered telephoto. These are often heavy and expensive.

Specialty Lenses

Ultrawide

This is just an extremely wide angle lens. At this point, you just except the massive amounts of distortion and embrace it. These lenses are extremely fun.

Medium Telephoto

These are sometimes called "portrait" lenses as well. They are a little more tele than standard and not quite tele enough for long distance photography. Usually in the 70-200mm range. This is the focal range that allows you to still be close to your subject but you are far enough away to get extra flattering lens compression on faces.

Superzoom Lens

A "superzoom" has an extremely large focal range. It can go from very wide to very telephoto. These are usually not wonderful lenses, although they have improved on mirrorless cameras in recent years. There are a few that could even be used professionally now. But most are just a huge mediocre compromise for vacation pix.

The cheap ones aren't fast, they aren't sharp, and every time you zoom people think your camera is having an erection.

If you are traveling and you have no idea what you might be photographing and carrying around a bunch of lenses is impractical, these have utility. But the larger the focal range, the more mediocre they get. Typically if the zoom range exceeds ~150mm you will start noticing that mediocrity. So a 70-200mm can be fantastic. But an 18-300mm will be very mid.

Macro

A macro lens is any lens that has 1x or more magnification. 1x magnification is a designation that relates the sensor size to how much of the subject fills the frame of your image. For 1x, that ratio should be 1:1.

So if you imagine a quarter lying on top of an image sensor, that's how big the quarter should be in your photo. 2x magnification would be like if a quarter doubled in size and you laid it on top of the image sensor. And so on.

Beware of lenses claiming to be macro and really only having a short working distance. 0.5x is not macro, but is sometimes advertised as so.

Tilt Shift Lens

This is a very niche lens. Most people know of it from the photos that make everyone look like they are in a miniature land.

For every other lens, the focal plane is perpendicular. If you move the camera at an angle, the focal plane will match that movement. So what the tilt shift lens allows you to do is angle the focal plane so your depth of field goes in bonkers directions.

Product photographers love this because you can take a photo of an array of products from a 45 degree angle and keep everything in focus.

This image would be impossible to maintain complete focus of all the objects without a tilt shift lens.

In this example, without tilting the lens, the tip of the multitool is out of focus.

And now you can see the camera hasn't moved, but the lens is at a steeper angle. And you'll also notice the entire tool is in focus.

But wait, there's more! Did you forget about the shifting? Architectual photographers can use the shift function of the lens to correct perspective distortion and keep buildings looking straight.

Will this lens help in the photographing of infants?

Probably not.

But I bet you thought it was cool and are glad I included it.

Recommended Essential Lenses

I didn't know what to call this section. These are just the collection of lenses most photographers will try to acquire as they build out their kit.

Nifty Fifty

This is probably the first lens everyone should buy. Almost every brand has their own version. It is an inexpensive 50mm lens with a sub f/2 aperture. Canon's Nifty Fifty or "Plastic Fantastic" is probably the most famous example. It is only $125 and has an f/1.8 aperture.

This lens may not be the sharpest and it might have a lot of plastic-y, cheap feeling parts, but it is a wonderful way to get started with photography. You can use the wide aperture to experiment with bokeh and shallow depth of field. And the 50mm focal length is probably one of the most versatile. Not too wide, so people look normal, and not too tele, so you aren't a mile away from your subjects.

The Holy Trinity

The "Holy Trinity" is meant to describe the 3 lenses that can handle nearly every photographic task while maintaining professional quality results. Typically these lenses are all f/2.8 and are high quality zoom lenses. The 16-35mm, the 24-70mm, and the 70-200mm.

Most photographers can accomplish just about any task with these lenses in their bag.

Froggie's Holy Hexagon

That said, if I had an unlimited budget I would actually have 6 lenses to cover everything. Beyond the Holy Trinity, I would get a fast prime, an ultrawide, and a macro lens.

A fast prime can see in the dark and has more background blur. The nifty fifty would work great for this.

An ultrawide is one of the most fun lenses you will ever use, even if it distorts everything to a crazy degree and isn't useful very often. It is great for breaking you out of photographic ruts and can really get the creative juices flowing.

And a macro lens is not just useful for making tiny things big. It also allows you to focus at any distance. Sometimes you just need to get a tad bit closer than your other lenses will allow. Macro lenses are also pretty great portrait lenses and can serve multiple functions.

And if anyone is interested in sports or wildlife photos, a nice telephoto lens might be a seventh lens to consider.

I think that is the end of part 1.

I hope this was helpful. And I look forward to posting part 2 soon.

#photography #lenses

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elliegoose · 6 months

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Big mental health/life post, because i really wanna put this stuff down on the page and could use the feeling of being heard right about now.

in the summer because of some unfortunate stuff i moved halfway across the country to live with my parents. then some other stuff happened that ended up incidentally triggering some really extreme bipolar episodes--that's why i was in the psych ward a couple months ago and also why i took an unannounced hiatus from this blog for most of october--and ever since then i've been just... struggling kind of a lot.

i feel disconnected from my art, my sexuality, cooking, music, and most things that have been important to me. i don't feel the sense of home that i used to have out in texas. i'm anxious and down most of the time. i feel especially disconnected from the kink communities that used to be kind of the center of my online social life. this has been a particularly difficult emotional blow to endure and a particularly large reason why i've felt so awful.

in the past month, i've developed an inexplicable social anxiety that's horrible to deal with as someone who's normally very outgoing and who used to find socializing very easy. now, though, i'm often just filled with self-doubt and panic while trying to socialize with people, which is making it incredibly difficult to keep building the new friendships i've started to foster out here in my new city.

i'm just doing the best i can every day, attending my IOP program, applying the skills i've been learning there as diligently as possible, keeping up with my hobbies (for as disconnected as i feel from art i'm still doing quite a bit of it, and picking up the banjo has done so much to sustain what little of my mental health i still have), getting out into nature, going to a lot of fun events (drag shows, happy hours, full moon rituals, ttrpg/boardgame nights, furry meetups, folk musician meetups, etc.) and hanging out with the folks i meet there as often as i'm able even despite all my newfound social anxiety, but even with all that i'm just... persistently in emotional pain that i don't know how to effectively alleviate.

i know part of it is that i'm out of work, and i know having a job will give my life more structure, but i also know that's not the whole of what's happening here. i've been out of work before and it's not affected me this badly. it's also that i'm lonely, deeply unsure of myself after making some unwise decisions and having to face so many of my flaws, grappling with my disproportionate senses of shame, anxiety, and responsibility, yearning for more purpose and autonomy than i currently have, wanting to feel like i'm contributing to something larger than myself, and anxious after going through so much chaos and repeated disruption and loss.

i'm glad my IOP demands sobriety because it's been a struggle to not use alcohol as a crutch.

fucking... life. it's been a goddamn year for sure.

#elise.rtf

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doraambrose · 2 months

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I normally don't really feel comfortable discussing NSFW topics, but I've seen an increase in a very specific type of jason todd content, mostly from one user in particular, that, to me personally, is kind of weird and inaccurate.

Disclaimer: I am in no way trying to kink shame anyone or attack anyone. As long as it's consensual, legal, and not hurting anyone, do what makes you happy. This particular subject is just not for me and this post is going to be more about my headcannons that I've based on canon events as well as my own opinion of jason todd.

🚨Warning: NSFW topics such as:

choking, rough play, foreplay, controlling and dominant behaviors during sex, crying during sex, talking during sex, talking down to someone during sex, making fun of someone during sex, vaginal sex, oral sex (female and male), daddy and mommy kinks kinks. Submissive behaviors during sex.

I've never done a trigger warning so please let me know if I did this right.

So, I've seen an increase in a particular kind of jason content, mostly fueled by like 1 or 2 specific users, portraying jason as this real rough, dominant dude who likes to degrade and choke during sex. I don't really like blocking people, but I might have to block these users. Don't get me wrong, they're not doing anything wrong, it just makes me uncomfortable, personally, as someone who's not into choking or stuff like that. and they don't put the read more line so you kind of have to see it when you're scrolling. I also find it completely inaccurate. Like the people requesting these and writing these looked at one or two images of jason but don't really know anything about the character themselves. So, I'm gonna put some of my own headcannons as someone who has studied this dude for a few years now:

First, Judd Winnick has confirmed over Twitter that jason cries during sex. Now obviously, judd winnick doesn't own Jason and many writers have their own interpretation, but winnick is basically the father and creator of post resurrection Jason and kind of set the blueprint for his behaviors, beliefs, etc. So for that reason, when he posts his own headcannons about jason, I feel more obligated (if that's the right word) to kind of accept it as canon, even when it's really not.

It also just makes sense. It's not as widely talked about, but it's very normal and natural to cry after an orgasm. Sex for a lot of people is considered a very intimate act and an orgasm is like an explosion of pleasure. It can be a little much for people, especially those who haven't experienced it alot, and some people (like myself) don't always know how to handle that much stimulus and feeling all at once and crying is a normal reaction to that. And jason is someone who's not the most intimate person.

Second, I feel like Jason is inexperienced. A lot of these blurbs have him knowing exactly what to do, what spots to hit, totally experienced and "professional". We're talking about a guy who spent 12 years in poverty, 3 years as robin while also being in school, dead, and then training with the league while battling mental illness, ptsd, brain damage, etc. And then in under the red hood, he's very focused on his plan. Even after that in general, he's with the outlaws, on a case, you name it. Dude is always busy with something work wise. I don't see him having a lot of time and energy to be fucking enough to not be awkward.

Speaking of awkward, I've always headcannoned that dude has ZERO rizz. All the reasons I mentioned above, he's probably super socially awkward. That dude is definitely terrible at dirty talk like the stuff I see in those blurbs. I mean, even Isabel has canonically said jason is not a very good kisser.

Third, I DOUBT he's into choking or being rough. All the abuse and shit he's been through, i headcannon that he is more like the opposite. It's intimate, relaxed, soft, etc. He can get a little intense, but not rough or anything.

He's probably actually what some would consider "boring". Pretty standard missionary stuff, maybe sometimes he's getting ridden , probably has oral and stuff, but he does not strike me as a kinky guy

Dude also probably has a normal average dick. I've seen some "8 inches" type shit. Really? 8 inches? I don't remember exactly what the average is in the us, but I'm pretty sure it's like 5 or 6inches.

I can't explain this one, but it's a pretty common headcannon for no real reason, but the vibes, jason is an ass and thighs man. Enough said.

As much as I'd love to think he's the kind of guy who loves spooning and all that, I feel like he's actually the opposite. Bare minimum aftercare kind of stuff and then he's back in his own head again.

I apologize for the explicit subject matter. There's probably more that I'm not thinking of off the top of my head, but those are the big ones for me. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

#jason todd #red hood #batman #batfam #dc comics #dc universe #dcu #headcanon

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gentlebeardsbarngrill · 3 months

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I’m probably in the minority here but I’m so easily satisfied by this show. Whenever I see critical posts of the show (that offer valid takes, not talking about straight up hate posts) I’m just sort of like “huh ok I didn’t think of that. moving on.”

generally I’m pretty positive about whatever I watch unless it’s total trash and no care put into it. maybe a flaw of mine but idc. I had a great time with season 2 and maybe there are a few things I might have liked if they were different but I can’t bring myself to dwell on those things for more than like 30 seconds because I had so much fun with everything else.

I will say that the worst part of the season is definitely Izzy but I care so little about him that it did not affect my enjoyment of the story whatsoever.

I see stede and ed kiss and I’m like hmm yes absolutely genius writing right here

Hey, there is absolutely nothing wrong with just pure satisfaction from the show (and any show really). I love analysing stuff, but I'm the same way, I see Stede and Ed kiss and the part of my brain that triggers dopamine is just like "NOICE". I literally have spent the last several months doing my best to do ANYTHING ELSE (you know like.. job, family, whatever) but think about them kissing, or generally them just being them. I would say I'm very easily satisfied with this show too just by the vast majority of stuff I can get out of it depending on my mood-- and I think that's what so great about it. You can have fun with it whether you wanna dig deep or just bask in the awesomeness of it all.

Gay pirates? Check.

Hot leads? Check.

Diverse Cast and Characters? Check

Always something new and exciting to be analysed down to the second? Check.

Ability to turn it on and smile at every fucking scene just because it's gorgeous or mah boys are kissing? Check

Inspires people to create awesome art and smutty fics? Check

Real fucking relationship problems between queer people that end up happy? Check.

Sometimes I turn it on and just watch the Ed and Stede kissing scenes because it makes me smile. I don't need to think about anything, I can just look at their little goofy ass grins, and their pure love and just fucking live in it for a while.

I have to say too-- I LOVE that you generally have positive experiences with what you watch. I tend to find the good things in just about anything (unless its like crazy offensive somehow) and it's nice to just enjoy stuff, ya know?

ALSO SIDE NOTE: I appreciate you reaching out and chatting! I love reading your recommended fics and posts just fyi <3 DM me sometime if you ever wanna chat!

Speaking of the two babygirls kissing... I'll just be sitting here staring at them for a bit.

#ofmd #our flag means death #asks #asks love #edward teach and stede bonnet snogging because fuck yes I need it

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dervampireprince · 2 months

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youtube

ASMR | Elisabeth das Musical - Der Tod x Listener SFW Death Becomes Entranced And Seduces A Lonely Prince

[M4M/GF4M] [Prince! Listener] [Seduction] [Manipulation] [Kissing - no character death, lore here is Death's kisses can kill if it's 'your time' but if it's not they don't but they're still cold and cause temporary frostbite-like symptoms] [TW implies the listener is depressed and has been experiencing suicidal ideation, Death at points advises the listener to kiss him which would kill them, please skip this audio if you think these issues could affect or trigger you and if you are affected by these issues please seek help and contact hotlines in your country. This audio is fictional, Death's attempts to be a voice of suicidal ideation should not be taken seriously nor applied to real life.]

I've been wanting to make this audio for so long. While I've left it ambiguous enough to be enjoyed as an original audio, this character is actually from my favourite musical 'Elisabeth das Musical'. It's a German-language dark queer historical romance where Death (Der Tod) is drawn to those who think about him, in particular it follows the life of Elisabeth, Empress of Austria, and her son Rudolf. The musical does deal with serious mental health topics and some historical events from that time including the rise of fascism so please know that going in, but if you think you can handle such topics then I couldn't recommend the musical enough.

The original 1992 Vienna production is on Youtube with English subtitles, that is my favourite production and means a lot to me as Uwe Kroger as Death is just... perfection to me, very much gender envy and has been a big influence on me and helped me with accepting myself and my gender expression, and his characterisation of Death as this genderfluid, pansexual otherworldly being is just beautiful. And if you enjoy then I'd also recommend the 2005 Vienna production which is also on Youtube with English subtitles mostly for the few extra added song and Serkan Kaya's performance as Lucheni.

For those of you in my Patreon Discord server, I streamed this musical last Sunday in there for you guys and it finally felt like the perfect time to bring this audio to life. And if Kronprinz is still around, I know you were requesting a Der Tod audio for a long time and I hope you're happy with this one. The listener in this audio series takes the place of Rudolf, but you don't need to know anything about the musical to understand these audios. I chose to present them more like my original royalty series audios as Elisabeth das Musical is not very well known outside of mainland Europe and Japan, so I hoped by framing it this way with a photograph of myself cosplaying Death from a couple years ago would entice more people who aren't familiar with the musical.

I love this musical so much, European musicals in general are my biggest interest and if you go searching for them it wont be long until you find my sfw account @emptymasks posting too much about them. If you're interested in learning more I have some masterlists and info posts pinned on my emptymasks Tumblr, but also as part of my subathon rewards I am doing a stream on my Twitch explaining about infodumping about European musicals and I've been working on some video essays for years that I hope to get finished this year that will be up on my emptymasks Youtube channel. I also run @europeanmusicals . If any mutuals or followers from my main or side blogs finds this... well hello there, I find myself nervous to drop this in the euro musical tags, as if people are going to find this format of fanwork weird but well... I had fun, I hope you guys are nice about this (nice doesn't mean you have to like it, but please don't be mean about it if you just don't enjoy asmr or audio content).

Something something if I had a nickel for every time Prince voiced a personification of Death from different fandoms I'd have three nickels.

Old public spicy audios on sound gasm (link in pinned post). 2 Exclusive spicy audios on Patreon every month. I also stream on Twitch every week @ dervampireprince . [minors + ageless blogs dni. this blog is for 18+ only.] [do not repost/reupload/edit any of my content]

#elisabeth das musical #todolf #der tod #european musicals #der tod x rudolf #death x rudolf #der tod x reader #der tod x listener #the vampire whispers #royalty kink #Youtube

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tmntkiseki · 3 months

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I'd say it's been probably... almost two months since I became an active participant in the TMNT 2003 fandom? And while there have been some ups and downs, overall I have been enjoying myself.

The biggest adjustment is the size. Most of my previous fandoms have been relatively niche JRPGs and while TMNT 2003 isn't the most popular animated TMNT iteration, the fanbase is still much, much larger than what I'm used to. More people talking, more fanart and fanfic being posted, and definitely a lot more, ah, discourse. Not that discourse wasn't a thing in my smaller fandoms, but I stumble across it quite a bit when browsing tags, and there's also a lot more variety to it as well. It really is weird what kind of stuff people will get their underwear up in a bunch about.

As far as interacting with other fans goes, I try to keep a relatively open mind when discussing the show and characters. I know some people can be very trigger happy with their block buttons, but I try not to block people simply because they disagree with me/I disagree with them. If I were to block someone on the grounds of their opinion being different from mine, it would be because they were being aggressive of how right they are while I'm completely wrong to the point of literal harassment over whatever is being discussed. Which, you know, fortunately I haven't had to do something like that yet. Most people have been very kind to me thus far, even when there were disagreements.

I am pretty happy with how things are turning out, even though it was a bit rough in the beginning when I didn't know anyone and felt like an outsider. A lot of people have expressed thanks for the fact I've been posting the official model sheets and concept art from the show, and as long as people still want them, I'll keep uploading them until I've run out because hey, I can personally confirm that the turtles are fucking hard to draw, and even the lowest quality reference can do wonders. This is also the fandom that inspired me to dabble in video editing and gif making; still not the best at either of them, but much like art, it's a learning process and the most important thing is that I'm having fun. My brain hasn't been this entertained learning new techniques for making things in a while, even if it can be frustrating at times. (Those damn shells are the worst to draw, man.)

So.... Yeah. All I can really say at this point is thank you to everyone for making this fanbase experience enjoyable so far. I'll probably be around for a while yet!

#teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt #tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2k3

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heyitschartic · 9 months

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Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💗

Ughhhhhhh, I took so long to reply to this, but thank you for the ask!!! I'm always happy to get the chance to talk about my stories. God, I've written so much shit that it's hard to pick, but like a kid with a scab, pick I shall.

5. Memoirs

Memoirs is just a silly little thing my girlfriend and I have been working on for the past few months about post-gm Taylor in Kennet. This story gets the number five spot not because I think it's bad, but because my beautiful girlfriend does a lot of the heavy lifting with plotting and characterization because I haven't read Pale. I'm simply there to add where I can. Lovely story, though, and I can't wait for it to reach its ending. I love stories exploring how Taylor deals with everything after it all ends, and K8 really is the queen of that genre.

4. High School Abusical

Alright, this was one of the first stories I wrote on my own that I was really proud of. This whole story spawned from a conversation with the absolute genius user Foxtail about how clusters are always so boring because people usually gen random characters that have no relation to each other when those existing relationships being twisted up into a trigger can lead to so much more fun. The main premise is that Taylor is in a cluster with the Trio. I really would like to get back to this fic someday. I had a lot of fun ideas I wanted to implement, and the way all these girls play off each other is so delightful. I was informed after the fact I got the way clusters work wrong when making the powers, which has really been the only thing holding me from continuing. I can't convince myself to write when such an integral part of the story is off. Maybe I'll redo those someday...

3. Self Implant

Self Implant, my beloved. Fun fact, this was a gift to K8 for her birthday. Bonesaw gets a person in her head, trying to take a crack at playing her conscience. Now, this might surprise some of you, but I really like Bonesaw. I love playing around with her, and this story is just an excuse to do that for one million words. Like a little bug in a jar that I'm feeding enrichment to. This story really just gets me excited. I really, really need to put some more out there, for my own sake if no one else's

2. Severed

Severed!!!!!!! A story about Taylor joining the nine and the consequences there of. Also, the only story I wrote that has the dubious honor of actually driving someone crazy in real life. This story means a lot to me. Severed was the reason that I first started talking to my girlfriend (she wrote the amazing AU of it, Soliloquy), and for that alone, it will always be near the top for me. I think this story is where I really kind of took off as a writer, started getting past a lot of the mistakes that plagued my earlier stuff. It still has tons of grammatical errors, hard to get those right when youre inebriated most of the time, but this story has a lot of my feelings wrapped up in it, a lot of myself wrapped up into it, which will always boost it towards the top.

1. Felix Fortuna

Felix Fortuna is the best story I think I've ever written, and it's not even close. A story about Contessa going to Hogwarts that was originally written because of how much I disliked what Ward decided to do with her character. I feel like you can actually see me get better in real time as the story goes on. This was a collaborative effort with three other amazing authors (Pericardium, Maroon_Sweater, and Poe), and I think it really shows with all the care put into it. It lands at number one for a lot of reasons. It's got some of the best prose of anything I've written, it's the most well constructed of my stories, I love every character from Fortuna to Flavia to Jessica and Angelique. But mostly I like it best because I, at my heart, am a massive softy. When it comes to it, more than anything, I want a story where a character I really love finally gets a happy ending.

#parahumans #wormblr #worm fanfic

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saintqueer · 6 months

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I'm sorry you got harassed again just from a simple post with a (imo pretty valid) opinion. If that person is the same that answered your post by reblogging and repplying on their blog with unnecessary hate (apparently queer but a solo louie) then it's the one I just blocked. I love to currate my experience in this fandom. Anyway I just wanted to say, I used to love your posts in this fandom! I lost track of your blog and thought you'd disappeard. I'm glad to see you're still on Tumblr and enjoying other fandoms. I'm well aware of how toxic this fandom can get (between the hets, the solos often queer themselves but hating on queer larries and more, to many groups to count tbh, louis' attitude on social media ect), especially when you dare to voice an opinion, which I'm mostly don't lol. I'm staying for the art, the fics, the great memes and ofc the music and the people. You're "y'all" made me think 'I Hope she still got good times and friends out if it. I made some great friends in the larries bunch myself. Anyway sorry for the rant, I lost track of what was my point here. Just was happy to see you pop on my dash through a mutual and wanted to say so I guess?? So once again thank you for the fun times I had reading your posts back in the days; have a great time out here, enjoying your favs fandoms, you do you! Sending love xx

so i was trying to avoid posting any anons regarding prev fandom discourse but i opened this one and read it through and it was just so amazing i had to respond, not just in tags 🥹🥹

of course, it's lovely to hear that you liked my posts on fandom back in the day etc but what really got me was when you wanted to make sure i still got good times and friends out of it, that nearly made me cry

because YEAH I FUCKING DID 🥺😩🥺🥹🥲

blue ( @wastelandbabyblue ) is literally one of the coolest people i've ever known while also being one of the kindest and funniest. id literally kill to meet her one day in person. i still keep up with brenda and several others i met in her og discord, some of which are the only remaining 1d fandom blogs i still follow here - they are so kind and funny and i still talk to them occasionally in a fandom discord i stayed in because i didn't want to lose touch with them.

and 🥹🥹🥹

i met 8 of who i would consider my closest friends in the whole world through fandom. through the most insane wild and unruly fandom discord drama, i literally located my found family: wedo, nino, iza, katja, olia, hanis, chloe, and su

we talk everyday still even though we live all over the world and we talk about nearly everything except fandom nowadays and they've helped me survive living day to day through some of the worst moments of my life. i don't know what i'd do if i didn't have them in my life

last night, i had a bit of a shame spiral thinking about all the time energy money i devoted to the 1d fandom. i felt embarrassed for being so loud about something that ended in so much disappointment. it wasn't fun and i know it was probably triggered by being involved in some discussions i hadn't been in so long

so when i opened this ask, anon, it reminded me so much that whatever was lost from that time, so much more was gained. the embarrassment of remembering dancing around like a fool with a rainbow flag for someone who couldn't even say something as simple as "look at all those colors" pales in comparison to the lifelong friendship i gained with these 8 beautiful women all across the globe

nothing will ever compare to the people i met and the way they feel closer to family than any of my blood ever felt

i'm glad that you found so much goodness as well and thank you for reminding me that it was all worth it for what i got

#anon

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pikatrainer99 · 3 months

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So...I figured I should probably elaborate on Kieran after my last reblog so you all get where I'm coming from with my stance on him...

(Basically the TLDR of this post is this: I like Kieran much better when he's like this, look how happy he is, it's adorable 🥺)

(He legit terrifies me when he's like this though...😖)

My thoughts on him changed drastically throughout my playthrough of the DLC multiple times...and I'm gonna explain why.

First, when I first met him in the Teal Mask, I thought he was an adorkable socially awkward shy bean and I loved him because I'm very much the same way. Being (what seemed to me like) his first friend reminded me of how much of my childhood I spent friendless and the joy I felt at finally having one friend back in my last year of elementary school. As the Teal Mask story went on though, Kieran started to change...and I didn't know how to feel about the direction his character was headed...because it triggered traumatic memories in me...memories of that friend I had finally made...well...one day suddenly revealing that the friendship was never genuine and that they hated me the whole time, and they betrayed me...in a HARD-HITTING WAY...completely out of the blue, too...I had no idea what was happening with them or what I had done to deserve that awful treatment, but it didn't matter because I still got that treatment. I'm not going to go into the details because it's still terrifying to think about...but it was BAD...bad enough that I have severe PTSD because of this person. So, as you might expect from what I just told you, the way Kieran just suddenly turned on me in the Teal Mask story really made me have to make sure to use my coping skills and calming strategies in order to not have a PANIC ATTACK over a VIDEO GAME. And the ending of the Teal Mask where Kieran seemed to HATE me made me feel really scared for the Indigo Disk story and I tried my best to not think about it too much until it came out because I always felt nauseous if I thought about it. And even when it came out it took me a long time to be able to bring myself to finally play it... Kieran's new look reminded me even more of my real life friend turned bully I mentioned above, who also changed their look and even dyed their hair to a similar purple-ish color after the whole incident (yes I know Kieran didn't dye his hair, it's naturally purple-ish underneath, but my point still stands, it was similar enough to trigger me further), and I had a panic attack over it when I saw it in the trailer before the Indigo Disk came out. My thoughts were basically 'This is middle school all over again...' and I was not looking forward to facing the memories again, it was making me feel more and more anxious and sick as each day passed and it got closer to the release of the Indigo Disk. I also had more and more nightmares about that real life person which made me more and more tired and irritable, so that was not fun either. But...I knew I had to play it eventually, so to prepare myself for my own playthrough, I decided to prepare myself both physically and mentally by watching other people's playthroughs of the story first...multiple times. You have no idea how relieved I was when I found out that the story had a happy ending and Kieran was able to snap out of it, feel serious remorse, and resolve to change his ways and make everything right again. As you can probably guess from how visceral my reactions to this entire thing were, that did NOT happen with my real life friend turned bully...I'm pretty sure that individual still hates my guts to this day and I still to this day have absolutely NO CLUE what I did to make them turn on me so viciously like that. Anyway, I watched probably ten or twelve playthroughs on YouTube before I finally worked up the courage to play it myself. I finally finished it yesterday and I am glad that everything ended all well and good. I am so relieved and I am back to being a Kieran fan again now that he is back to his normal adorkable self. Now I only have the epilogue left to do in Violet and then I have to go through the entire DLC again in Scarlet...but I think I'll be fine for the DLC playthrough in Scarlet now that I've experienced everything in Violet.

So yeah, lots of complicated emotions and visceral reactions and stuff with my view of this fictional video game character...but I couldn't help it since he was a legit PTSD trigger for me during the last bit of the Teal Mask and the majority of the Indigo Disk...at least he's back to normal now though.

Anyway, what are you guys' thoughts on Kieran? How did you react throughout his arc? Which look do you like better on him, hair up or down? Feel free to let me know your thoughts on Kieran in the comments below!

#pokemon #pokemon sv #the teal mask #the indigo disk #kieran #this character is complex and i like that pokemon is making more complex characters...#...but kieran legit TERRIFIED me for a while #and i wanted to explain my thoughts and feelings on this subject and character #kinda long post #pika talks

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modern-day-bard · 3 months

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Worth The Feeling

A/n: Hi! This is my first time writing fanfiction and I will admit that the first few chapters are a little rocky, but hang in there and I promise it’s a fun little read. I tried to structure this story as a cutesy, lighthearted romance novel, and I think I found that pace later on. With some of the chapters containing adult content, I would ask that minors do not read or interact with my posts. There is explicit smut and fluff, and some intimidation in a couple of chapters. Other than that and the age gap (MC is 26, Javi is in his 40s), there are no other major trigger warnings. I also purposefully did not give the main character any physical descriptors, other than her being shorter than Javi, because I wanted whoever is reading it to be able to picture themselves. I found it too difficult to write the story from the perspective of “y/n.” I tried to choose a name that was hopefully racially ambiguous enough so anyone could connect with the character. Finally, if you do choose to read my story, thank you and happy reading! Summary: Ava Cohen is a 26-year-old production assistant working tirelessly to achieve her dream of one day becoming a film director. As hiatus from her last project comes to a close, she returns to set with Norwick Productions, whom she has worked with for the past four years. After a major fo paux on the first day of work, Ava is worried she has offended the star of this next production: Javi Gutierrez. She will soon come to realize, this couldn’t be further from the truth. When the cast and crew travel to Italy to film on location, the seriousness of what Ava is feeling becomes all too real, just as a new career opportunity lands in her lap. As tensions run high, watchful eyes set in, and her career is put at stake, can all of this be worth it in the end?

Content Warning: 18+

Chapter 1

I wonder if it's possible to drive with your eyes partially sealed shut. It should be illegal to be awake this early. 4:30am call time on the first day? I've been on more productions than I can count, though I fear this one will finally be the one to take me down. At least this morning we're on the sound stage as opposed to on sight in Italy. Maybe most 26-year-olds would be jumping at the opportunity to fly abroad with all expenses paid. But to me, the thought of being stuck on a steel tin in the sky for any amount of time is enough to make me consider throwing in the towel on this job all together. But I'm not going to think about that right now. I take a deep breath as I pull onto the lot. The first day on set is always the most chaotic. The amount of people who seem to forget how to do their jobs during hiatus grows every time we return. I can't judge of course, because I may soon be one of them. I've been with Norwick Productions since I was 22, and I'm already feeling burnt out after only four years. Granted, the burn out could be due to completing grad school homework until one in the morning, and arriving here before the sun came up. Regardless, my first stop is craft services for coffee. After I'm caffeinated and signed in, my duties pile high. As a Production Assistant, I'm given any and all tasks other employees didn't have time to complete. Sometimes the lack of time to complete the task was due to a lack of desire to complete it, which could lead to some pretty unfortunate chores for me. Picking up dry cleaning, faking tears over the phone to convince the fire department to give us a permit, walking talent's dogs, cleaning up said dog's poop, you name it. I even had to shave our leading lady's armpits. Twice. They take the "other duties as assigned" line on the job application to the extremes.

Talent is arriving in two hours and we still don't have everyone's trailer set up, so that is my first stop. The one thing I pride myself on is that despite being a major movie buff, I had an uncanny ability not to get starstruck. No matter how often their name was trending or how many awards these people have won, I always saw them as part of the crew. Was I a little rattled on my first set? Sure. But when you realize how helpless a lot of these rich actors are, the sparkle sort of wears off.

I typically never got a chance to read the script beforehand. It isn't a requirement of PAs, and in fact, we're not even allowed to see them every time. So until I have the call sheet in hand, I'm not sure who I am setting up these trailers for. And in my dazed need for coffee, I forgot to grab a call sheet (a huge no-no for PAs, but I'll blame it on last night's homework bender). From what I saw inside a few minutes ago, it looks like the first scene has something to do with the CIA. There were giant print-outs of the lettering all over the wall. For now, all I have to go off of is the CIA and the impending doom of travel to Italy in a few weeks. I finish prepping the two lead's trailers with a welcome letter, various snacks, and a copy of today's filming schedule. I check my watch: 6:00am. Still a half hour until they arrive. I tip my head back, taking in as much of my coffee as I can as I head toward the door of the trailer.

I swing the door open, and crash right into something hard. The movement sends my coffee splashing down the front of my shirt and dripping onto my shoes. "Shit." I hiss, looking down at my soaked t-shirt. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry." A sincere male voice causes my head to snap back up. In my sleep-deprivarty, I didn't connect the fact that I had crashed into a person and not a wall. The man in front of me is taking off a pair of sunglasses, a mortified expression on his face. A face that I don't recognize. He's certainly attractive, and possibly in his forties? His dark brows are pulling together in concern, his brown eyes deep with sympathy. A rush of embarrassment creeps up my cheeks as I realize that I had walked directly into his chest when I was trying to leave the trailer. I take a step back so I don't have to crane my head to look up at him. "I'm sorry, I wasn't looking." I say quietly, warmth still coating my cheeks. "You're sorry? Don't be. I wasn't looking either." He steps inside, ducking his tall frame under the door to enter. "And your poor shirt..." He gestures to my now semi-sheer t-shirt. I put my coffee down on the small table and cross my arms over my chest. "You don't have to worry about this trailer," I say, changing the subject. "I already prepped it." "Oh, uh, thank you." He looks confused now, and he starts shrugging off a backpack I didn't realize he was carrying. He tosses the bag on one of the chairs at the table. I notice he doesn't have a walkie either. He must be new, and sure to get a talking to by Lloyd if he's dumping his stuff in a talent trailer and strolling around without a walkie. "When were you hired?" I keep my tone casual, conversational. I find that I can deal with embarrassment better if I keep the other person talking. "About five months ago, I think." He starts to run his hand across the table between us, watching his own movements carefully. I get the sense that he's trying not to look at me. "Well, welcome aboard. I should warn you that the director is pretty strict about PAs walking around without walkies. Trust me, I got my ass handed to me during my first week. Super embarrassing." I roll my eyes for emphasis. He looks up at me then, his smile warm, and his tone carries a humor that I don't quite understand when he says, "Thank you. I'll keep it in mind." "No problem. Oh, and I'm Ava." I extend my hand and he takes it. His hand envelopes mine, and I realize in that moment that he is quite a bit larger than me. This realization, combined with the warmth on his palm makes me feel funny. "I'm Javi." He smiles again. "Good to meet you," I say, taking my hand back to check my watch once more. "Talent should be arriving soon so wherever you need to be, I would head over there now." I walk toward the door as I say it, taking extra care when opening the door this time. "I'm sorry again, Ava." He calls after me, his voice still just as sincere as the first time he apologized. "Don't worry about it!" I call back, closing the door behind me. I take the few steps down from the trailer, breathing a sigh of relief to be out of that moment. However, that sigh gets sucked back down my throat when I see the two words in bold on the front of the trailer I just left. Javi Gutierrez

And if my cheeks were red before, now they are maroon.

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Series Masterlist

#pedro pascal characters #javier peña #the mandalorian #joel miller #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal fandom #javi gutierrez #javi gutierrez x reader #javi gutierrez fanfiction #javi gutierrez smut #javi gutierrez x you #javi gutierrez fluff

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words-like-water · 1 year

Text

False Infidelity

or the one where you think Gar is cheating on you.

Gar Logan x gn!reader

warnings: curse words courtesy of Jason Todd

word count: 1,096

request: @danversxwasabi "can you write about the reader dating Gar but, because of a misunderstanding, believing he cheats on her with Rachel? just some angst and fluff at the end."

a/n: My first request! I will always remember you, my love. I love requests. They are so much fun. Please keep sending lots of requests. Also, I know that the last post was in lowercase, but I'm trying different stuff out to see what I like. Also, there's no posting schedule right now, but I promise I'll have one eventually. This will all be a lot more orderly down the road.

Being a Titan is mentally and emotionally taxing.

Because of my powers —the ability to phase through anything and everything— I feel like I have to keep myself in check more often as my powers fluctuate with my feelings.

Which is kind of difficult considering I'm a fairly emotional person.

Thankfully, I have my loving boyfriend here to help me whenever I feel out of sorts.

In fact, the first time I met Gar, I was so nervous that I started sinking through the floor.

Gar Logan is the sweetest person I've ever met. He's always bringing me little things that he thinks will make me happy, and they do.

He lets me cuddle him while he plays video games; we bake together; and he lets me steal his clothes without complaining, and when they don't smell like him anymore, he just switches them out for ones that do.

And he's so helpful all the time. Reassuring me whenever I get anxious, cheering me up whenever I get really sad, and helping me stay calm whenever I get mad and extremely annoyed.

Like right now.

Dick had insisted that I practice fighting without triggering my powers.

So here I am, sparring with the most annoying person on Earth, trying to stay calm.

"Come on, is that all you got?"

Jason Todd dances around me on the mat.

I've been so busy trying not to get angry at his stupid comments that I've mostly been making defensive moves.

I know I'm reaching my limit. He makes some snarky comment and kicks at my torso. It never connects; his leg passes right through me.

The weight that he put into the kick was more than he anticipated. It throws his balance off, and he curses as he hits the mat.

With the look in his eyes, I can feel the venom ready to leave his mouth.

He stands up and resumes his fighting stance across the mat, and I can feel myself moving before he finishes shit-talking.

"Do you ever notice how much time Gar and Rachel spend together?" "You think they're fucking?"

My fist is flying faster than I can think and faster than he can move.

And he's lucky that I'm irritated because the power in this punch might have knocked a few of his teeth loose.

But it doesn't. Instead, I phase, and it sends me hurtling into the wall behind him.

Through the wall, actually.

And right into the hallway.

Where Gar and Rachel are standing really close. His hand touching the side of her face.

They both go silent, eyes wide like they hadn't expected me to be here. I mean, I did come out of the wall. No excuse though.

They look at each other and take a step back.

They both start with my name on the tip of their tongues, but I'm back through the wall before either of them can finish their lie.

Jason's coming at me with a smirk on his face, but I shove him out of the way before he can say anything either.

I yank my door open, stomp inside, and slam it shut all in one fluid motion.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that Gar would cheat on me as I press my back against the door.

Rachel of all people

I slide to the floor.

Tears prick my eyes as I think about all of the signs I probably missed.

I'm thinking about how at dinner he always sits next to me, but directly in front of her.

All the looks they've probably shared during what Kory calls "family movie night." Looks that I've missed.

Before I know it, I can feel the wood behind me dissipating.

I shuffle away from the door, opting to pace back and forth in front of my bed as I try to calm down.

I think about how much easier this would be if Gar were here, and hot tears roll down my face.

Gar would be here if he weren't the one making me upset.

He would be here if he weren't with her.

Bile rises from my stomach at that thought, but I swallow it back down.

A knock on the door turns my heart into lead, but my body turns lighter than air, and I sink into the floor a little.

"Love, I know what you think you saw, but I promised nothing happened."

As Gar speaks, I can't decide if that's real remorse in his voice or regret for the fact that he got caught.

Still, I can't help the way that my body gravitates toward him in my state of distress. "Then why were you guys so close? Why were you touching her face? Hm?"

I hope he can hear the hurt in my voice.

"She had an eyelash in her eye." "I was just trying to help." I rip the door open.

"Did you have to touch her like that? Like you don't have a girlfriend?" I watch his face closely, searching for a tell that he's lying. Tears are still wetting my face.

He looks to the ground before his eyes meet mine again. "No, I didn't, but I wasn't thinking about it."

"You didn't think about the fact that you have a girlfriend!?" I'm hysterical at this point.

Gar hesitantly steps into the room, closer to me. "I didn't think about her like that when I was touching her face."

Once I'm within his arm's reach, he pulls me close by my waist. "It was completely platonic, baby, I swear." "I was just tryna help."

The way he's looking at me with so much love begins to make me question if I've been a little irrational. I just can't help it when I ask him anyway.

"So you still love me?"

"Yes, I promise I still love you with all my heart." His hands slip under my shirt to rub my lower back.

"And you're not cheating on me with Rachel?" I sniffled a little bit.

"No, baby, I'd never ever cheat on you, not with anyone." He pulls me into a hug, my face tucked into his chest.

"Can we cuddle, please?" My words muffle against his shirt, and he laughs, already pulling me towards the bed.

"Of course, we can, my love." He flops down onto my bed and pulls me on top of him.

I can already feel myself returning to normal as I fall into the comforting embrace of my lover.

Like always, being with Gar makes everything better.

#gar logan x reader #garfield logan #gar logan x fem!reader #titans x reader #gar logan angst #gar logan fluff

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