suffered from suicidal ideation again this morning and then thought about my childhood friend snd my cousin that committed suicide. having a very emotionally complicated day. im gonna try to take my mind off of things.

What I enjoyed in More Than Meets the Eye/Lost Light:

The illustration if Swerve's loneliness (it's quite visceral for me, to watch him be sociable, for Ultra Magnus to assume he has all these friends, only to be all alone)

The Scavengers (they hit that sweet spot of "loveable jerks" whose hearts aren't quite gold but work things out their own way)

The arc between Cyclonus and Tailgate* (The development is well paced, with good emotional beats*, I want to see them together by the end)

The arc between Cyclonus and Whirl (Another relationship that's paced well and the conclusion feels earned)

The moon vacation (It's nice to see these characters who've been hurt so much get a chance to be away from people who make them worse and a story involving Prowl that acknowledges how traumatized and damaged he's been and he gets to hear an apology from someone who manipulated his body without consent)

Cerebros (such a wonderful and wholesome boy that just tries to help people and it's a crime he's largely ignored by this fandom)

The rivalry between Overlord and Tarn (I could have a whole comic book full of nothing but Overlord roasting Tarn and I would love every page)

Misfire and Swerve's insta-friendship (being audibly goofy on main provides echolocation for the like-minded, I love it)

Skids and Nautica's friendship** (the dancing and everything really made such a good connection)

What I actively do not enjoy:

The pacing of the full story (jumps way too much, overuses starting in media res and then backtracking to explain, spends a lot of time forming problems but little or sometimes no time for resolution. I think this may be in part JRo's history in prose and fanfic where he gets all the time in the world to set up problems and make characters go through all sorts of bad times and take his time with resolution. This is not the case when writing comics for a franchise)

Chromedome (I know he's really popular and some folks put CDRW on a pedestal as the first canon queer ship, but he's a legitimately awful person and partner. The way he treated the alternate Rewind is right out of yandere fanfic, his use of mnemosurgery played a huge part in the original Rewind's death, and he was Trepan's apprentice, willingly becoming a mnemosurgeon even after learning what they do. An offscreen discussion with Rewind suddenly having a change of heart and being lovey-dovey doesn't make me feel better. Rewind wasn't a perfect partner either, but Yikes™️. I hate him)

Megatron's redemption arc (really, he's just running away from the consequences of his actions to have a second chance at leading a rebellion and being happy. Why don't we ask the millions of people the blue flowers represented what they think about that--oh wait, they're dead. Because of him)

Related, how everyone who doesn't like Megatron is villainized (I'll say it: the mutiny was justified. It really was. Optimus was stupid to put Megatron in a leadership position on that ship when no one there had any reason to not hate him. Tarn was right when chastising him, as much as I hate to say it)

The general handling of mental health (Trailcutter is forced into sobriety by body modification and then immediately killed off, Chromedome's mass of issues and "we talked about it", Red Alert and Fort Max are "fixed" offscreen and then written off the ship, and both Rewind's traumas are largely ignored in favor for being Chromedome's cute little boyfriend, for examples)

How often the audience is informed of details instead of shown or how things are solved offscreen (a good example being Skids and Swerve being best friends--how often do we actually see them hang out? Almost never. This is largely because of the vast number of major characters, so there's poor balancing)

How character death rarely has any impact (Mirage's death is a "blink and miss it", Ten's death isn't brought up again, Nightbeat is only brought up by Rung--this is also one of the dumbest deaths I've ever read, Swerve doesn't mourn Skids and Nautica gets her grief erased**, Trailcutter's death only matters when Rodimus is faced with past Trailcutter, and so on--they were largely there to up the stakes rather than to have actual consequence to the story)

Mederi (it was... Just a mess. The whole of the narrative was to bring us here?)

The double endings (the narrative flow got confusing here and, honestly, I didn't find either satisfactory)

*The multiple times characters are brought back from the dead, especially Tailgate (a quantum leap, remaking them with science-magic, and "a wizard did it"! The Tailgate one was especially frustrating as a reader because it felt super cheap to be taken back by his death and go through Cyclonus's grief, getting a touching yet bittersweet reunion, and then a weirdly omnipotent 8 ball just.... Brought a new Tailgate from a different reality. Is the Magnificence actually a Dragon Ball?)

**The way Nautica's grief is handled (very "have your cake and eat it too". You can't have it be a problem that she wants to have her grief manually erased, have that erased, do the whole "friendship matters!", and then brush off the friendship between her and Skids as if it meant nothing)

Ultimately, there are things I liked, but it's so hyped up that, in the end, I felt misled by the fandom. I was frustrated by many of the events. Perhaps JRo is really good at prose (you can't make me read Eugenesis. From what I've heard of it, it is not the kind of story I would enjoy), but I don't think writing comics is really his wheelhouse. He set things up and resolved them poorly. At least some of it is due to the nature of the American comics industry. I also felt like he could have spent more time researching how to write therapy effectively.

all i have to say about the miraculous special aside from incoherent happy noises is that it's exactly like every fanfic i hold dear in that it felt so self-indulgent when it came to fun "what-if" scenarios and also really hit on like. actual fun character beats (okay turns out i have things to say, so here's a spoilery read more)

starting immediately with the alt theme song with gabriel was so inspired i had to immediately pause and lose my mind.

gabriel as a significantly better dude who is just failing to connect with his son during their very different grieving periods is legit so much more interesting than i expected from a "character morality flip" moment

alya and nino being still on the resistance team fills me with a lot of delight for so many reasons - character related, but also for the alt-universe actually not being a 'everyone is a different alignment' universe. the overall universe and characters perceptions of themselves or how they dealt with their grief is clearly completely altered for the ones we see changed. like... gabriel seems to have started off in a similar spot but the specifics of the universe meant he changed teams for the better. emilie seemingly dying much more suddenly and the general turmoil of the universe (and presumably not going to school with the other kids?) leading adrien to not process his grief in the same way. marinette never meeting alya and not finding the courage to stand up for herself without threats and power. damn...

betterfly is a stupid name and i love that. just remember that his name is just "butterfly" and not "hawkmoth" in french okay.

shadybug is also very silly but it's a pretty perfect alternative for 'toxinelle' and also so funny

the only knock i will give the episode is she changed her hairstyle at the end. shadybug's whole look was 10/10, she could have just shifted the colour scheme for the friendly vibe. i also think chat should have kept the green hair and maybe just gone with green eyes.

on cool outfits: the butterfly + ladybug combo looked gorgeous imo i will not argue on this

i was not expecting the episode to make me feel things but it was genuinely very sweet how both AU-duos got a mutual pep-talk. like this was a perfect time in s5 for it to be set - marinette's still struggling to find belief in herself and adrien is freaked out about what his power could do to someone, and his own self-control about that. and their chats with their alternate selves help them settle something (at least for now) in addition to helping the other!! their AU selves definitely have more to deal with given.. everything, but that's for another time im sure >:) i really do like that despite their Attitude they are just treated like kids with problems y'know? honestly i wish adrien had longer to talk about his grief cos i think that's a really valuable bit of telly for young'uns who've lost a parent y'know?

there's some #Logic you could do about identity reveals but honestly i do not care, because an actual fanfic where they're like "hey butterfly man if you told us who you were we could stop monarch way faster" and that resulting in some good!gabriel and chat/adrien chatting with him knowing who hawkmoth is like... ARGH. imagine. i feel like there's so many reasons he wouldn't want to expose his identity even to allies and we didn't need a scene where that was explained and i'll fight anyone who insists it's a ~cinema sins plothole ding~ that it didn't happen. if it's not in the show you get to fanfic it in many flavours. this is a WIN actually.

generally ive been so happy with season 5 and this just. ah. idk i was just very happy the entire time. im sure there'll be a lotta folks bemoaning this that and the other and that's fine! please have fun doing that cos i know people do but man mlb is to me my fun baby show for babies but season 5 feels like it went "what if this show was everything you already loved AND it gave you catharsis on like 30 different things on a show you've been watching since episode 4"

Summer Time Rendering

"Summer Time Rendering" is an anime that sounds like it'd be totally up my alley on paper. Like: unusual supernatural antagonists, time-looping heroes, quirky oddball characters, sudden and tragic deaths, etc.? I'm so down!

And the fact is, it WAS totally up my alley! For like... 88% of its run, I was ALL IN. I have very little to say about the first 22 episodes that isn't just GUSHING with love.

But there are 25 episodes, so you can probably predict where that's going. :P Even so... that's just me! And the wrap-up didn't retroactively kill my love of everything that came before, either! So please don't let it deter you from watching this, because it's a hell of a ride.

For now, let me braindump a pile of thoughts:

First off? Yes, the title sucks. It does a terrible job of conveying what this show is gonna be like, but I suppose that probably helps for anyone going in blind.

Our protagonist, Shinpei, left home to study to become a chef about a year ago. Now he's coming back to his island home because a close friend/adoptive sister of his has recently passed away. He returns to find people who've missed him as well as people who kind of resent his leaving in the first place. There's an immediate undercurrent of tension as well as tragedy to the proceedings, and that quickly escalates into a mystery when the facts of his friend's death are called into question. It doesn't take long before the mystery escalates to deadly levels.

The nefarious forces at work on the island are far more powerful than anyone anticipates. I'm trying not to spoil what they are and how they work, because it's just so cool IMO, but.... Shinpei and his network of friends find themselves rapidly dealing with enemies far beyond their understanding — and honestly, learning how they work and how they can fight them is part of the fun. It's fascinating stuff that I'm kind of surprised to have not seen before. The nature of the enemy force leads to a lot of really tense, exciting showdowns where — partly thanks to the "time loop" gimmick — death is a very real possibility for damn near any character.

....but at the same time, those deaths aren't just throwaway. Because this story's time-loop gimmick is also its ticking clock. Our hero can only loop successfully if certain conditions are met, and even then his number of loops is limited. It helps raise the stakes in a manner you don't usually see in these kind of stories.

I think it's safe to say that four characters get the primary focus in the series: Protagonist Shinpei, sisters Mio and Ushio, and novelist Hizuru. These four get the most layers to them — I'd argue that Shinpei, Mio, and Hizuru even get more development than Ushio, who is more of a trope-y character that can be quickly understood. But all of them are likable and distinct, and none of this is to say that side characters such as Sou and Ginjirou don't get moments to shine and display that there's more to them than first meets the eye. Even so, there are definitely some characters who are part of Shinpei's circle of friends who don't receive much development. Testu? Tokiko? Yeah, I'm looking at YOU.

But y'know, I sometimes see people say that they an ending/climax of an anime lost them at the last lap, and I never truly understood that feeling until now. Episode 23 suddenly throws ALL the rules out and takes us into an alternate dimension that was never even hinted at before, which is reached via means ALSO never even hinted at before, and.... this becomes the core element of how the series is resolved in the next two eps. Which feels like a cheat of the HIGHEST ORDER. But I guess they at least explain the new dimension of reality and its rules reasonably well, so there's still some stakes on the line. It's just... hard to commit to caring that much when suddenly all the established logic and rules are out the window with no buildup, y'know?

But you know what? I'll take a semi-nonsensical ass-pull ending over one that betrays the established characters for shock value and bullshit. Ultimately, I still loved this series so much that I went online and IMMEDIATELY read the spinoff/sequel short-story manga because I couldn't get enough of these characters. My heart wasn't stomped upon by this ending! I can still love them and love the series! That's the important message here.

Oh, one more thing: It is SUPER weird how the true nature/origin of the "Haine" character is revealed very casually and just... nobody discusses how this completely upends their understanding of her. It's basically just shrugged off. That was WEIRD.

just some thoughts that I've been having as of late; or, reflections on this year and the year to come.

I vividly remember one of the first appointments I had with my therapist at the beginning of this year. We did a lot of talking about how I would attempt to grow this year. After unpacking years of trauma, frustration, and sadness, I was ready to make my life into something more. See, ever since I turned eighteen, I felt stuck. Stuck with people who I didn't fit in with. Stuck in a life that I hated. Stuck being a person that I wasn't happy being. And that was a feeling that no matter how much I verbalized it, almost no one understood.

I was always told that that's just how life is. You find a place that doesn't make you completely content but you wedge yourself there because, hey, it could always be worse! And you might as well take the crumbs that you can. Because...it's not like you could ever really get more than that...right?

This year was the year I decided to reject that idea. I decided I wasn't going to be the person that was the most convenient to people who didn't actually care. And, god, that has been a difficult choice to make consistently.

Because there is a strange, melancholic sort of comfort to sticking to what you know. Even if what you know will ultimately smother you completely. You cling to the ease in which misery flows through the ridges of your brain. You know the twists and bends of these treacherous waters well.

And sometimes I have no clue how I willed myself to not submit to that fate. I think I was just tired. I was sick of everything slipping through my hands. I was sick of not having anything or anyone that I could hold onto. I was sick of being stuck in myself.

I made a lot of strides this year. Ones that I never thought I'd be alive long enough to see. I made new friends, said hello to old ones that I thought I'd lost, got closer to the parts of my family that truly matter, started going to school again, and I finally started writing again. And as a creative, that last one is the one that flabbergasts me the most.

For two solid years, I didn't write. And then suddenly I did. And now I have this. I never thought I'd be saying this in the year of our lord, 2022, but this place...it did indescribable things for me. I would've made it through this year fine regardless, but this platform truly showed me little glimmers of magic that I never thought I'd see. Whether it be the friends I've made here or the fics I've shared or the people who've supported that work in whatever capacity they can...I appreciate all of it more than I think I'll ever be able to express. Truth told, I have never been able to fathom a world where people actually gave a bit of a fuck about what I have to say. When you minimize yourself as much as I have in the past, you have a hard time seeing yourself as having any value at all. But being here with all of you on this silly hellsite is one of the many things this year that has shown me that I do have worth.

Now, don't get me wrong. Things are still tough. But such is life. I will learn these new twists and bends as I always have. I will always be changing and growing and adapting to whatever the universe has to throw at me. But, for some reason, I don't have it in me to worry about it anymore. I don't have that all consuming dread for the future. And maybe that's naive of me.

But I think it's because I am beginning to know myself more than I ever have. I know my experiences. I know my heart. I know who I am. I don't know who I'll be a year from now. But there's something exciting in that now. There's no more fear and worry that I'll be stuck. Because regardless of who I am a year from now, I have myself exactly as I am right now. And for once, I am happy with that.

Thank you, everyone for caring about anything I have to say. Truly, my work is an extension of myself. And to know that the art that I hold so close to my heart can be loved and enjoyed means the absolute world. I hope that in the year to come, I can keep that fire burning. I hope that I can continue to explore and share more of myself. And I hope that wherever you all are at, you're being kind to yourself. I hope that you can find solace in existence. I hope that whatever challenges life gives you, you can manage them. Because I promise you, even if you don't think it does, your presence matters. In it's own way, your existence means something. We all just have to find it.

Happy New Years, folks.

Love, Meda <3

So I don't know if this happened for anyone else, but Guillermo pulls focus, like he (and Harvey as an actor) pulls focus so hard I spent the first two seasons of the series trying to solve the Guillermo de la Cruz puzzle box. How much of him broke, under this life, or did any of it? Is he 'broken' at all? He could betray and get revenge on these people who've abused him, but he doesn't want to escape, we don't want him to escape, and why don't we? Should he get what he wants, and what does he really want anyway?

You understand him the most because you understand wanting to get ahead in a dead-end career, you understand wanting to be included at the big kids' table. You understand toxic relationships, or having youthful fantastic dreams and wondering if they have to become settling for something ordinary, or turn into a whole different path you never expected. He's our window, he's a warped coming of age story delayed ten years, that's why he basically became the protagonist.

And in the meantime, you're just enjoying the silly, out of touch, proud, sometimes-cruel vampires who never change. Because they mostly seem fine! Like Nandor has a sad moment or two, y'know, he had some low points hundreds of years ago and has never really surpassed his human glories. Colin feels left out sometimes, to the point that he scares and alienates the others. Laszlo mainly acts on id or impulse, but he's sometimes more perceptive than he seems. Nadja feels stifled in a house of men, literally befriends herself to get her groove back and find some purpose.

Things happen to them, but they're static characters by design. They're powerful, they've seen a lot. When one of them is having trouble, they'll bounce back.

Then Guillermo reclaims his heritage on his own terms. He gets some power, gets some confidence. He decides what he wants to do, and we're not worried about him anymore. He's powerful, in some ways he's the most powerful one in the house. He's seen a lot. He'll bounce back. (He's resilient, he's relentless.)

And that's when you see the vampires, really see them. You see how Colin really is the biggest outsider, to the point that he has to die and be reborn to have a chance at actual connection to anyone else. You see Nadja's reawakened ambition and how she's had to fight all her life for respect, how terrifying that could make her without her doll and Laszlo there to be her heart. You see just how capable of empathy and true, sincere love Laszlo is, his sense of honor, just how much he'll do or give up when something matters.

Most obviously you see Nandor, who loses his power over Guillermo and is suddenly so aware of this giant hole in him that he covered up in life and never filled in death. That he lost his home and family and best friend and his own language, and he's never truly grieved that. That he's remembered as a warrior, but he often tries to be anything but. That he had wives and a harem and servants, and he's maybe never been truly loved.

And you were given all this information before, none of it's new, but it creeps up on you and you really know it for the first time. We're not caught in Guillermo's point of view of being on the outside looking in, so we see the vampires in fuller dimensions.

We see it as an audience, and Guillermo almost doesn't. Guillermo is so caught up in navigating his new role and desire to protect, his new understanding of how to grab leverage of his own, that he knows some of what's happening but he doesn't really understand yet. Their relationship isn't even in a place for him to ask and be honestly told, until it's almost too late. All he knows is he's being told he's not enough, so he has to fight for Nandor to leave his own head and look at what he still has in front of him.

And I think that's the next step, for the two of them and for the whole family. That when the imbalance and the bickering and the impending danger is over, there can be moments where the whole family is able to actually sit and look at each other for the first time. Not thinking about who's weak, or on the outside looking in, or dependent. Just who they are and who they actually want to be.

A Piece of Your Mind | 1 ~ 12

Okay! I honestly missed doing these! For a while I was in a drama slump and couldn't watch or finish anything but, fortunately, this drama brought me back. As usual I'll go over the characters then the plot. So, hm, spoilers I guess (?)

• Ha Won - at this point I'm a Hae In fan. Have I watched everything he was on? No, but I enjoyed very much I did see. From the dramas and movie I watched, this is my favorite character he has ever played (though Hyun Woo from tune in for love is a very close second). Ha Won was a quiet guy, yes, but he was given layers. There was so much to him, he had the good, the bad, the angry, the loving, all of it. It seemed like a very real character, at least to me. People who've gone through difficult moments tend to close off and he lost a lot really early in life so who can blame him?

• Seo Woo - my precious baby who I want to protect for the rest of my life. She was soft and caring and took so much hits that one would think that she would never stand again but there she was, on her feet ready to fight. I loved her. You know how you can usually point something in a character that you don't like? I really can't with her, same with Han Won

• Ji Soo - she was the starting point of this drama and I also liked her. She was fighting through life for a long time and she always tried to hold her head up high, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, and that's fine really. I think that her sadness, the way she would sometimes perk up but it eventually fell apart was a good portrait of someone with depression.

• Kang In Wook - he was an ass, most of the time, but I can also understand that (?). People tend to function in different ways. For example, Ha Won closed himself off and kept quiet while In Wook also closed himself off but he got drunk and told everyone around him to fuck off, both drunk and sober (a dick move but one that happens often)

• Soon Ho - I don't have a lot to say about her to be honest. She was a good character, good for the story, made things happen, stood up when she felt the need to when into hiding when she felt the need to.

And the plot!

Let's start with the good stuff: the relationship. I loved how it built up. It was that good kind of slow burn, one that doesn't make you want to skip the parts so you know how it ends. It made me want to watch every single detail more than once, it made my heart ache and feel warm all over, at the same time. Honestly it was one of the best romances I've seen in a while, anywhere.

And now, onto the bad: There were some wholes in it but I'll blame all of it on the fours episodes that were taken away from us.

To be honest, I don't get the whole AI thing and I don't understand where it came from and how applicable it is. There was the whole plot about Min Ju that I don't feel like we actually got a close? She left and that was it. Did Min Ju ever find out that Ha Won was the one who held her hand? When did Seo Woo recorded to get a device with her own voice in it and how did it end up with that lady? Why did Seo Woo suddenly changed her mind about not wanting Ha Won to know that Ji Soo's husband had anything to do with the death of his mother? What actually happened no In Wook? I feel like the only one who didn't get a proper ending.

If they really had to cut the show short I wish they only cut two episodes out, so at least there would be a chance to further explain things and it wouldn't feel rushed. Because it was. The cuts where odd and it happened much faster than it usually would. I would have liked to see how Ha Won and Seo Woo did while they were apart. They showed Ha Won going to Oslo, something that we can all agree that he needed to do, but there was no Seo Woo while they were apart. She just got cut from the show the was the main character at lol.

But, even with all the bad stuff I would still rate this show a 10/10. Also, I love Jung Hae In playing a soft character but can we give this man a drama where he will be the evil dude? I mean, he's got the angst right there.

Wolfstar | Drabble

Smoke and Chocolate

By Lacey Black

[Inspired by this beautiful picture/post]

Also you can find this on my Ao3

Owls swoop through the room, packages and rolled up bundles of papers falling in front of students of all ages. There is the usual murmuring of the professors, there's the groaning from the oldest students hungover from a night of underage drinking and the excited chattering of the younger innocent ones who've no idea of the coming darkness. Nothing that is unusual for a Monday morning.

Sirius lay his head on the table shielding his eyes from the sunlight and cringing at the smell of food. He was pretty sure he was dying, no, he was certain he was dying.

“I’m dying,” he whined.

He heard Remus snort beside him, and peaked through his fingers to glance at the tall lanky boy. Remus Lupin was, in every way, beautiful. He had sandy blonde curly hair that would fall in his eyes in a way that made Sirius twitch with the desire to push it out of the way. So he could get lost in his green-yellow eyes that reminded him of a tree in early fall. He had long arms and legs, lean muscles and the cutest round arse he’s ever seen on a person. Especially cute, exceptionally cute, fabulously cute. He might be obsessed with that arse.

“I’m certain you’ll survive, Pads,” Remus responded and Sirius could hear the smirk in his voice.

“You’re just weak. What you need is to get some bacon in you, Sirius! You’ll feel lots better!” James laughed and tossed some bacon on the empty plate by Sirius’ nose.

Sirius scrunched up his nose in disgust and pushed the plate as far from him as possible. How James could be so peppy after a night of two bottles of fire whiskey between four people is absolutely horrible. He should be arrested and sent to Azkaban for that peppiness.

“I’m definitely dying, I’m going back to the dorm, tell Sluggie I’m sick, or dead. I don’t really care which one,” Sirius pushed away from the table and headed out of the Great Hall to the Common Room.

Inside the common room he debated laying on the couch, but knowing that students coming and going would make his already pounding headache worse he decided against it. He dragged himself up the stairs to the dorm room he shared with James, Peter and Remus. He paused at the door. A flash like a memory but more like a dream flitted through his mind, overwhelming his senses.

Something about the door, the feeling of the handle in his back. The sensation of someone pressed against him, vibrations through his neck from a mouth chuckling into his skin. It feels so real, but Sirius has no recollection of any such thing happening last night. He must have had quite the dirty dream.

He flopped down on the bed, curled up under the covers, flicked his wand and the curtains pulled around the bed casting him into pleasant darkness. It’s not long till he’s fast asleep.

~*~

When Sirius wakes, it's to the sound of laughter and scuffling around the dorm, instead of the pounding that was crowding his head hours earlier. He pulls the curtains away and watches his friends all attempting to lean out the one window at the same time to smoke and look at the stars. He smiles watching James nudge Peter and his wide shoulders over, trying to free some space for him and Remus.

“Oi! Someone gunna toss me a fav too, or you love birds too busy cuddling over there?” Sirius says and laughs.

He stood up and stretched his tight arm muscles over his head, leaning back in the process and popped his back pleasantly. He looks again at his friends, just barely catching Remus looking away quickly to watch the night sky once again. James grinned and tossed the pack over so Sirius sat just under the window beside Remus, and lit his smoke with his wand.

“Feeling better, Pads?” Remus asked softly.

“Mmm,” is the reply, and Sirius pressed his shoulder briefly against Remus’ thigh before pulling away again.

“You still want to play exploding snap, lads?” James says brightly. “We can play in the common room, probably get a few more in. Maybe we can even turn it into a drinking game!”

“No more alcohol for me,” Sirius said determined. “I’ll never drink again.”

“Sure, sure. You say that every time you get a hangover,” James laughed. “Come on, Wormy, Moons? Let’s go!”

“I think I’ll head to bed actually,” Remus said thoughtfully, and walked to his bed after tossing the finished but out the window and casting an incendio on it. It turned to ash before it hit the ground.

After a few objections, James huffed and left the room, dragging Pete along too. The room became very quiet suddenly, and Sirius shifted uncomfortably under the window finishing his smoke.

“Do you regret it or something?” Remus said quietly.

Sirius looked at Remus with a puzzled expression. The boy across the room looked nervous, sad and small for being a 6 foot giant. He sat on the edge of his bed, staring at his feet speaking into the room, and waiting as if his life was on the line for a responce.

“Regret...regret what exactly?” Sirius asked blowing out the last puff of the cigarette. He flicked it out the window and did the same with the but as Remus had.

“What...what happened last night that’s ‘what’!” Remus glared at Sirius.

Sirius went stony quiet, he had no idea what Remus was talking about. But Remus looked mad and hurt and at Sirius. Had he said something to hurt Remus? Had he done something terrible again, because he really had meant it when he promised never to do such a horrible prank at Remus’ expense every again.

“Moony, what did I do? Whatever I did I take it back, I’m sorry, Moons,” Sirius sent a pleading look at Remus.

The other boys reaction was a flash of hurt in his eyes, pink ears and clenched hands.

“I...I understand..I get it. It was a mistake..to think...we were both drunk...” Remus stood up then and still avoiding Sirius’ eyes went to the door.

“Remus, wait!” Sirius steppes towards him.

“Don’t!” Remus bit out in a rough voice before he left and slammed the door behind himself.

Sirius stood stunned in the muddle of the room. What could he have done, it must have been horrible. He was always saying stupid things, doing stupid things. Though, he had been so determined to never hurt Remus again. Even drunk he should have been careful enough not to hurt him. So what did he do? What mistake...

At that moment, Sirius remembered. He remembered the wink at Remus across the table in the common room last night. He remembered the brush of their knees and the flush that heightened across his own cheeks. He remembered saying he was going to get all the blankets and pillows from the dorm to create a muggle fort. And he remembered Remus. Remus saying he’d help. Remus pushing his up against the door, his back pressing painfully into the handle. Remus’ hair falling into his eyes, and Sirius brushing it away and then rubbing Remus’ scars on his cheek with his own thumb.

He remembered the kiss, not just the first kiss but the second and the third after that. Spaced around smiles and laughed and bites on the neck. Sirius touched his neck, remembering the vibrations coursing through his body right down to his toes. How had he forgotten that? And then Remus ran away thinking...

Sirius burst out of the room and found Remus sitting at the bottom of the stairs watching over the group of Gryffindors playing some odd alcohol variation of Explosing Snap. Sirius sank into the step beside him, their knees touching slightly.

“I was really drunk last night,” Sirius began.

“You really don’t have to,” Remus’ voice broke.

“Shh...look I didn’t remember, not till you left the room. Moony,” Sirius grabbed the collar of Remus’ jumper forcing Remus to look at him. “I don’t regret that, I couldn’t regret it. I’ve wanted that for so long.”

Remus blinked. He blinked again. “Oh.” Was all he said, obvious shock all over his beautiful face.

“Don’t act so surprised, I mean you are the only one I want when I have a nightmare. You are the one who I stare at, like, all the fucking time. It’s always been you Moons.”

Sirius leaned closer, pressing his forehead against Remus’. Then their lips met, melting together and Sirius nibbled slightly at his bottom lip. Remus tasted of smoke and chocolate, and he’d have him no other way.

And if there was cheering, hollering and whistling across the common room, just then, neither of them noticed.

Connection Realization

Having moments alone made me think and realize various things, it also made me more aware of my connections (platonically & romantically) and the emotions I felt during the past years.

When I entered High School there's nothing in me that wants to be popular, I didn't even imagine being attracted to 1 person, having male friends, and/or having suitor/s because it was programmed to me that I'm not attractive enough and definitely not cool just like other girls till I had a group of friends (which my mom doesn't like btw). I never expected to have such bond with those girls because I'm not like them but eventually I've learned to adapt, if I will look back and describe myself I can say that I'm nothing but a Chameleon. I change colors to fit in, it was fun at first since I got to experience many things, It was a typical High School where you become visible from being invisible and I must admit I loved the attention I'm getting. Grade 7 and half of my Grade 8 were great, I didn't escape from dramas with friends and relationships but for me it was a hoot and a half. I used to know almost half of my batch and had friends from different sections, I also started experiencing boys adding and chatting me online, and being more close to male than female in my school which by that time I find flattering and that gave me an ego boost. As a teenager I thought having fun and having lots of friends and acquaintances is all that matters until I put my one leg to the grave and almost got burried. For someone who is just 14-15yrs old I was selfish and lost and super confused, I couldn't understand why do I have to go through those it's not like I'm a criminal. During those times I experienced people turning their back at me, judging me, throwing me under the bus, and even discriminated for something I never wanted to happened but it did, only very few people stayed and believed me. It was indeed messy but that didn't stop me from still looking for the good in people. I was so naive and innocent because for someone like me who've gone through shit in an early age because of people, I still didn't have the guts to judge or discriminate them for their looks or even weirdness, and that's when I met Dom. He's a very talented guy at that moment, very nice, and sweet but the only flaw that he has is his cleft lip but that didn't stop me from befriending him. He used to tell me how bullied he was and on how he got to be misunderstood most of the times so I vowed to myself to be his friend no matter what because I know how it feels to be discriminated. Our friendship was a bit messy since he wants something more than friendship but I couldn't give it to him, it was also messy because admittedly I took advantage of him which I didn't really meant to happen. Looking from my present viewpoint all I can see was, I was young, naïve, and technically somewhat insensitive at that time. But even so, our friendship lasted for almost 2yrs till he suddenly ditched me when he transferred in Senior High School. At some point I got mad, frustrated, and definitely lost when he cut me off. Nevertheless, as years passed by I realized that if it wasn't for him I wouldn't know Erth, Gian, Kenji, Akeem, Antonio, Ken, etc. They were not the kind of people who will stick around all the time, some of them I even lost contact but they are the people who either made my life better, sweeter, memorable, and even gave me a lesson learned.

For the past 7yrs I met many people and honestly most of them were wrong. Pete, Nhab, Wacky, Gian M.S, Reign, Jan, Dom, Martin, etc. and most recently, Angeline. There's a lot on my list but they are the once who completely took a big toll on me. Some of them made me lose my self-respect, made me question my self-worth, some made me feel like a disposable toy, some dumped me like I was nothing, some ruined my reputation, and above all gave me the toughest trust issues. There are moments where I have forgotten all happy memories that I have/had inside those 7yrs because of the guilt and regret I have/had which I hate. I want to keep every happy memory I had but it becomes harder and harder every single day. At some point I used to be good at expressing myself to others but now I shut down, sometimes I find myself wanting to talk about how am I honestly but there are no words comming out because I realized that usually every strong connection I have turns into flames and burns me alive. For every honesty I share it backfires to me (even to my own family actually), I realized that I was born alone so I don't have the right to seek for connection because I'm supposed to be alone and I should get used to it.

On a different note, I also realized that I never stopped loving Erth I just stopped chasing after the thought of having him as a partner, I stopped entertaining the thought of "Maybe we could work" and create various scenarios through my interpretation of his actions. I know I said before that possibly maybe I'm just inlove with the thought of having him because everything seems to fall into place but clearly I was wrong, I do love the person but in a very different way. I love him in a way that is constant but usually dormant. After Erth, everyone that followed are merely just a patch. I love them that's for sure but it's the kind of love that usually fades overtime, it will hurt for a while but it's more bearable as time passes. The years have passed but I still find myself going back to Erth till eventually I stopped. Having said this, when I finally gave up, that's when Yuan came in. That is when I started to fall deeply inlove again. Our relationship wasn't as pleasant but he's the only man I loved dearly after Erth, the only man I fought for and dreamed my life with a clear vision, and he's also the one made me forget the strong feelings I had for Erth. It was that kind of relationship where it was difficult to handle but I still don't want it to end because it was almost perfect. It was painful to accept that deep down I know there's no chance for us to be together again and have that kind of relationship that we always hoped for.

How I wish I have alcohol right now, I miss the feeling of being drunk and just being carefree to be honest.