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weixuldo · 10 months

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Enigma// ch 18

anakin x reader

a/n: shit man, stuff is getting tough! i really didn’t think this fic was gonna b as long as it’s becoming hahaha/ ngl even if ppl r losing interest, im still gonna continue it for me heheh- i really like this story :)

The night gets worse and worse

warnings: cursing, cannon disabled character, insecurity, alcohol abuse, emtephobia (barf and stuff…), DONT DO WHAT ANAKIN DOES PLS LORD, ableist comments

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As it does, time went by and you tried to move on.

When school ended you moved in with Ahsoka and split rent; it was nice having your best friend around whenever you needed it, plus the two of you shared groceries so the cost of living was much more affordable than if you had gotten your own place.

As much as you tried to remove Anakin from your mind, he just wouldn’t seem to leave so you enlisted the help of a professional.

You would go to therapy sessions twice a week; not solely because of Anakin but he definitely was part of it.

Mainly you went to try and deal with the reality of being such a young mother and work on letting your stress out in positive ways: though on occasion you would try to gain insight on your relationship with the older man.

When the therapist asked about him, you explained all he had been through and let her know you knew some of the reasons he acted the way he did; but your therapist assured you no matter the reasons, that didn’t negate the validity of your feelings.

The first few times you went you were skeptical; how was talking to some random person supposed to help you feel relieved and emotionally stable?

But after a few sessions, you started to see a difference in your moods and outlook on things.

It was a few days after Anakin’s results came in that Ash told you about the visit she paid Anakin; she recapped her argument with him, his relapse, and that she made him go to the clinic, she told you that she would relay his results to you as soon as she could.

You worried that she would be upset that you didn’t tell her that he was the father or that the two of you were together, but she brushed it off, “I kinda had a feeling, ya know?”.

You felt bad that he relapsed and was all alone, but then you remembered he was alone on his own merit, his behavior pushed those who cared most away… it wasn’t your fault.

You didn’t know how long fertility tests usually took, but you awaited the results anxiously.

Every day you woke up hoping that maybe he would reach out or that maybe he would show up at your door, but each time you only set yourself up for disappointment.

It had been around a week after Ahsoka told you he got the test; sure these things took some time, but he should have the results by now.

You weighed the option of just asking him flat out because you were frankly over his asshole hermit bit.

The weather was nice and you didn’t have any responsibilities today… ok, maybe you would pay him a visit. You rested a palm on your stomach as you bent over to grab your shoes from the shoe rack; you were definitely showing much more than you were during the first trimester.

You were about to head out when your phone began to ring; it was Ahsoka.

“Hey Ash, what's up?” you asked as you searched for your keys.

I finally got it

“Got what?”

It took a lot of coaxing, but I finally got the results

You stopped at the door and placed your keys back onto the counter top; maybe you wouldn’t have to see him.

y/n…he’s viable.

A weight felt like it had been lifted from your chest, now he had undeniable proof you were telling the truth the whole time- everything he said was for nothing and you were vindicated.

“That’s amazing news'' you exclaimed into the phone; surely your friend could hear the huge smile on your face just from your voice.

Yea, but what are you going to do now? He’s the father and now he knows it… you aren’t just going to let him back in after all he did, right?

“No Ash, He knows the truth now and if he wants this or is mature enough, he will come to me and apologize. The ball is in his court” you explained.

Atta girl

You smiled at your friend’s support, “Thanks Ahsoka”

Anytime

The phone call ended and you went back to your room- hopefully you would be hearing an apology soon or at least hearing from him in general.

_______________________________________

Across town Anakin sat on his couch and absentmindedly flipped through the channels on his tv; he told Ahsoka the news this morning and it drained him to make the call.

Ahsoka thanked him for getting the test and asked how he felt about the news. He answered quickly and hung up. He knew she was going to tell you and that he should tell you himself and apologize. But what would that do?

It would just solidify that he was a complete asshole- you deserved so much better. Surely you would do the same that he did to you…shut you down completely and demand you leave.

Maker, why was he such an arrogant shit?

His half drunk mind wasn’t operating at full capacity and he was making a lot of dumb rationalizations to his problems;

You already thought he was an asshole, so why even bother telling you the news himself?

You deserved better so he should just disappear from your life and not weigh you down.

He really nothing going for him, so fuck it- he was gonna get shitfaced.

Soon he had made his way back to the couch with a six pack of bud lite and he cracked the first one. Cheers to the pathetic joke that was his life. He gulped them down one by one and sooner than he thought, the pack was already gone.

He had a good buzz going and went to fetch more but when he scanned his messy fridge for the tinted glass bottles he couldn’t find any.

“Fuck” he muttered, that was his last case.

He groaned and slammed the fridge door shut. There was nothing here to cure his itch for alcohol, so he decided tonight would be a great night to go out and get shitfaced in public, cause why the fuck not?

He got his phone out and grabbed one of the many styluses he had scattered through the house for his convenience. He called for an uber to pick him up.

As he waited he changed into pants, a long sleeve, and his gloves- it had been awhile since he had gone out and he forgot what a hassle it was to put all of that shit on.

By the time he was dressed and collected his wallet, the uber was there. Anakin was an experienced drinker, so even though he already had six beers packed away, he could sober up if he needed to be able to get into the bar.

The car he rode in was a nice sedan, it was silver and looked like a new model; the problem for Anakin was getting in. All of the cars he usually rode in (yours, Ahsoka’s, Ben’s, and his own) were bigger and sat higher up, so he wasn’t used to having to crouch down to get in.

He sighed and placed a stiff hand on the roof of the car to steady himself as he lowered himself into the car; he sat with a thud and grunted.

The driver was probably only a few years his junior- he wore big circle glasses, a patterned button down and had a clean shaven face. He looked like a pushover.

Anakin winced at the overwhelming smell of eucalyptus that entered his senses; he wondered how this guy was driving for a job like this- how would he defend himself against a potential threat? By throwing his eucalyptus at them?

Ahh, what was he doing? He was being judgmental for no reason.

“Are you alright sir?” the man asked.

“Yea, i’m fine,” Anakin said, crossing his arms.

The man nodded and began to drive to the bar Anakin had entered into the app.

The bar he wanted to go to was one in the heart of the city, he didn’t want to talk to anyone tonight, but he also didn’t want to be alone; this bar was perfect for that because there were always people doing some random shit that he could eavesdrop on.

They pulled up to the curb and the driver parked the car. Anakin thanked the man and opened the door to exit. Maker, he was getting nauseous from that fucking air freshener.

He swung one leg out of the car and pushed himself up with his opposite hand. He stood and grabbed onto the hood of the car with his hand; that was harder than it had to be… damn these prosthetics.

Once he was standing he shut the door just as the driver was asking if he needed any assistance.

Groups of people crowded around the entrance of the establishment. Some were old regulars whose teeth looked like they were gonna fall out from all of the substances they abused and on the other side there were a group of younger kids who were trying to figure out who was going to try out their fake ID first.

He scoffed as he pushed through both groups to get inside. The bar was warm and smelled of weed, smoke, and liquor- relief washed over the melancholic man, this is where he would be able to forget.

An open barstool was soon occupied by him and a bartender quickly made her way down to his seat.

“I’ll have some of that honey bourbon I've been hearing people rave about” he said, a $10 bill folded between his fingers.

“Alright, hun, that’s commin’ right up” the busty lady on the other side of the counter said as she grabbed the 10 from his hand, her hand lingering longer than he liked.

Anakin could tell she was trying to flirt to get a better tip; back before you, he would have gladly indulged her game and revel in every motion she would do to purposefully push up her breasts and flirt back 5 times harder than she was… but now, he had no desire.

All he could think of when she tried to flirt was how he’d much rather be having a quiet night with you, not some bartender who didn’t give a rat’s ass about his life.

His drink was placed in front of him and the woman smiled, “here you are handsome”.

Normally that wouldn’t bother him- she was just doing her job… But tonight he just couldn’t.

Once he thanked her, she sauntered away; Anakin raised a judgey brow as she intentionally swayed her hips back and forth. When she was finally busy with another customer he called over one of the other bartenders.

“Hey man, you think you could serve me tonight, I don’t really appreciate all of her flirting” he said as blankly as he could.

The man cleaning glasses on the other side of the mahogany surface chuckled and nodded, “haha, yes man, no problem. She does lay it on pretty hard sometimes, I get it”.

Anakin thanked the man and continued to down drinks.

As it got later, more and more people began showing up and it became uncomfortably hot. The music started to give him a headache and the smoke was getting thicker; he knew it was time to go when he could hardly suppress his coughing (no thanks to his fucked up lungs).

The cool evening air felt cleaner than it ever had before as Anakin stood a few yards down from the bar. He had gotten far enough out of the way that he could still hear and see the lights from inside but no line was around him.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked up at the sky; the city’s light pollution hid the stars; he still liked to imagine how they’d look.

He had no idea how much he had in that bar, but he felt like it wasn’t enough- he needed to do something crazy- he needed to interact with people. He wasn’t completely gone yet, but he was pretty drunk (even if he wouldn’t admit it).

He stumbled down the sidewalk as he made his way to another bar, not far from where he was, that was a “no-smoking” establishment; he wouldn’t have to worry about choking on air there.

The sidewalk seemed to move as he steadied himself by placing a hand on the wall of the buildings on the way to his destination.

He was feeling pretty good; his problems were far from his mind, instead he was focusing on getting to the bar. He finally made it and attempted to sit on the barstool that just couldn’t seem to sit still. Eventually he caught a bartender’s attention and got set up there with a 20 oz draft beer.

This bar was crowded too, but less head-pounding music and young adults. He sipped his drink peacefully as he watched the others in the bar; there were a few couples on dates, a group of guys playing pool, and another group throwing darts.

He downed his beer and placed the glass on the bar as he waited for more- this was definitely one way to spend his army money.

As he waited a brown haired woman came up behind him and placed a lingering hand on his shoulder.

“Hello, you look lonely tonight, anything I could help with?”.

The lady wore a dress that was way too short and it did not flatter her body at all. She smelled of overwhelming cheap perfume and beer. He was already over it.

“Nah, I’m just fine,” he said, attempting to wave her off.

She caught one of his gloved hands and began taking off his covering as she asked, “ooh, you have very stiff hands, must be strong-lets see..”.

She managed to get the glove halfway up his palm before he snatched his hand to his chest; “what the fuck you think you’re doing?!” he hissed.

She laughed, “You’re like a robot or somethin’ haha, I’m sure I could please you better than that plastic could, and I only require a pack of cigs after, no monetary charge” she promoted proudly.

“Not in a million years lady” Anakin mumbled as his cup was replaced with a full one.

She scoffed and put her hands on her hips, “well that’s alright, I didn’t really want to fuck a cripple anyways”.

At that moment Anakin had the urge to grab her by that pathetic excuse of a dress and throw her against the nearest wall, but he knew he shouldn’t.

“Fuck off”

“No wonder you look lonely, with a personality like that you must be impossible to be around” she huffed before finding the next guy to latch on to.

He was getting drunker and her words hit a little too close to home- he needed to be more wasted. He began to find random people who would do shots with him. Soon he was blacked out and drinking with everyone.

“ and i-its its sooo fucked, ‘cause I… I really do love her, but she… I don’t think s-she… I don’t know, WHO WANTS TO DO MORE SHOTS?!” Anakin was everywhere.

He sat at the bar and did two hurricane shots right after another (where you drink it then get water thrown in your face then the bartender slaps you across the face). He was at the point that he couldn’t even feel that-he was gone.

Though soon after, the shots began catching up with him and he started feeling nauseous. He laid his forehead down on the bar and puked in between his legs and the counter. Some people around offered to help and the bartender got him some water; he insisted he didn’t need it but the alcohol was definitely making him dehydrated.

Through the middle of sounds he heard a staff member say, “someone needs to get him outta here, we can’t have him in the bar like this”.

The fuck were they saying? He was completely fine.

Before he could tell what was happening he was being carried out of the bar and was sitting on the curb outside. Fuck, what was going on?

Everything was blurry, he felt nauseous and all he could focus on was this sharp pain in his side and the pounding headache that was plaguing him.

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Anakin had no idea where he was, but he knew he didn’t feel good. He sat up and puked.

He felt a hand on his back and was about to protest when another wave of nausea hit- when would it end?

More shit happened in a blur and he eventually made it into an Uber and headed home.

————-about two hours earlier—————

After he was thrown out of the bar downtown he was picked up by a group of frat boys who thought it would be cool to challenge a random drunk guy to a drinking contest.

In his inebriated state, Anakin went with the men (even though they basically had to carry him to the club they were going to).

No one in their right mind would still allow Anakin to consume drinks, he was visibly not well and clearly needed to be cut off; but that wouldn’t be any fun for the frat.

They took him to a club where they frequented so the staff allowed them to do whatever the fuck they wanted.

Anakin continued to drink and drink… and drink.

Once he started puking again, one of the relatively kinder boys took time to ask his address and got him an uber home.

And that's where Anakin was now.

He rested his forehead against the back window of the sedan and the driver drove quickly; he was probably worried that Anakin was going to yak in the back of his car. They arrived at Anakin’s apartment in decent time and the driver asked Anakin to leave.

Anakin nodded and tried to get up but he couldn’t quite get his footing; the driver huffed and helped him out of the car.

The driver helped Anakin into the house and saw some cash lying on the end table; sure, he helped Anakin inside but that didn’t mean this guy was a saint.

Anakin leaned against the wall for support the driver swiped the cash and dashed out of the door. He had no clue what happened or what was going on, all he knew was that he felt awful and he needed to get to bed.

He headed that way but he tripped over himself and landed on the floor with a thud.

A groan escaped him and his vision went black.

***

a/n: more self destructive behavior… what’s new? lolll, srry the updates have been spaced out a bit, i’ve been doing a lot at work haha

taglist : @dnamht @sxoulohvn @angeelcoree @wtf-andys @httpeachesblog @katsukiswrld @jetiikote @poisonedsultana @imarimone12 @fallinlovewithevil

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beorning · 7 months

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hey guys i dont ever really post personal stuff on here at all but we could really use anything we could get

details are explained in the description on the site but if anyone could contribute literally anything or even just spread this around more, it would be a massive help.

https://gofund.me/47fb5e2d

we're a t4t autistic couple with a cat and physical disaabilities thar impair us at work, though we're both still looking for second jobs. it was honestly fine enough when it was gas money and groceries and being unable to start saving again but now i'm not even confident we could make our 4 most crucial bills--rent $975, car payment $244, auto insurance $150, electric $50, and life insurance $44. it would be nice to have renters insurance and pet insurance and wifi and phone service but beggers cant be choosers lol

this month were only short about $100 but its next month i'm really really worried about, since at least this month i had my last check from my original job to use

anyway thanks for reading and it would mean a lot if people could spread this 👍👍 thanks

#dono #donations #actuallyautistic

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blacktinnedpeaches · 11 months

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had a weird wig sale day yesterday. i did make £400 so i truly cant complain but i felt like the ugliest wig was the most beloved + i was very confused bc my favourite ones got literally zero love... ill post the wigs at the end of the post + you can all tell me which wig is the ugliest one. and i'll tell you if you're right

i emailed a UK doll convention too to see if they have any vendor spacecs bc i think a cash injection a few times a year would be really good (altho i have never done cons before so fuck knows how this is gonna go). ben offered to come along + help out as well and he's actually done that for ana too so i'll allow it

benno fucked me like a champ this weekend - he's so good! im so lucky!!!! in related news though the huge pink vibrator (long term followers may remember when i bought it + did not check the specs beforehand) i think may be broken lol hmm (it only vibrates if you hold it at specific angles... lol)... hmmm

site is late paying me again. fucking !!!!!!!

i am feeling quite worried about work (see point no.1) but im in contact with a nice alpaca woman who is willing to sell me her champion alpaca fleece for £240 for 4kg. (reminder that i bought 3kg for £70 last week) honestly i probably will buy it even tho that's a lot of fucking money - £60 per kilo is more than ive ever spoent on alpaca - the prev most expensive was 50 - bc it's 15/16 inches lon which is a very very rare length, and i can charge more accordingly. the profit margin is still staggering to be honest so i shouldn't really fuss too much

honestly i wouldnt be so worried about money if we weren't getting married in 3 months bc we still have a shit ton to pay for. HOWEVER my parents have been consistent about saying they will pay for whatever is asked, so i think possibly my worrying is unnecessary, but ana is suspicious that they're gonna pull out of this offer @ the last minute. i actually dont think this is likely (ben doesnt either) bc they've always actually been hugely financially generous (if emotionally devastating) like they paid for everything (rent/food/literally everything) when i was in uni, never asked me for rent when i moved back home, my dad pretended not to notice me buying groceries on his debit card for years - like i really dont think ana is right on this one. but until i actually have the money in my hands i will be nervous. they have a fair reason for not sending me money also - my granddad's will money hasn't cleared yet + they're just waiting for that these are the wigs anyway

the only colourway anyone gave a shit about was the red/black omg i was so shaken bc i think it's hideous + really unsubtle and i only made it bc i thought it would be popular. which to be fair it was but i think it's vile. that blonde ombre is basically perfect, a really really pretty blend with no colour where it shouldnt be, and NO ONE CARED!!! ETA: shortly a fter publishing this post someone did enquire about the blonde one. thank you that's better

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my-ass-as-cold-as-mars · 11 months

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IN NEED OF FUNDS

Hi, this feels so shitty to do, but I'm out of options. I'm a queer, disabled person who is completely out of money. I have no groceries left, cant pay my bills, and am worried about not making July rent.

I recently took emergency mental health leave from my 1 job because my manager and coworker were bullying me so badly that I seriously thought about suicide. I wanted 1 week off, the doctor I consulted gave me 2 weeks off, and my manager would not let me return for a whopping 4 weeks. Now she has refused to schedule me, although I am not fired. She is not returning my calls or messages.

I got a second job but it's only 10-12 hours a week so pay cheques are less than $200 every two weeks. I keep applying everywhere but either I dont get contacted or, and this really bites, the people contacting me only want me to work weekends, which I already work. I am available monday-thursday but I cannot find work.

I also cannot borrow money from friends, since I already have.

I am estranged from my abusive parents and only sibling.

I cannot apply for disability since I made just a bit over the cut off by working last year.

I cannot apply for E.I. because I am still working weekends.

I have no savings because I've been so sick this past winter, mostly from a coworker coming in sick all the time.

I am looking into my local food banks but they require applications and only give 15 meals/month.

I am running out of my medications that keep me mentally stable.

I have nothing of value to sell. Everything I own is second hand.

I am even trying sex work again but I cannot find clients where I am.

I don't know what to do, I'm hungry and confused and feel so broken.

If you can, please donate. Sharing would be a huge help, too. I'm at a loss for what to do.

Thank you for reading

#funding #paypal #money #donations #donate #queer #disabled #help #charity #fundraising

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disco-cola · 1 year

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dudes i need to rant cause yall know this is my online diary so i honestly feel so lost my life has no direction and hasnt had any for the past years and the years just seem to fly by in the blink of an eye and with every year i get more anxious about my birthday and getting older and my lack of achievements well at least if you define achievements by university degrees and work experience which is sadly still the standard instilled in this society and if you struggle with anxiety and or depression and cant function you are worth less (or even worthless) and you constantly need to justify and excuse yourself and the future seems so dull not only bc of my era-struggling™ but because i literally have such a hard time with the vicious cycle of getting a job and being sucked even more into this exploitative capitalistic system (idk what its like where you live but where i live rents have risen beyond any realistic affordability, grocery prices too but work wages and unemployment "benefits" from the state have not and even people working full time living with a partner who is also working full time are struggling to pay their rent and pay for groceries and electricity and make ends meet and for what you would have to work even more than forty hours a week to be able to afford a decent lifestyle as of right now but people are already working and worrying themselves sick to not fall down behind into poverty and get a pension plan which again is the vicious cycle im talking about retirement age will probably get even higher but how are you supposed to even work until at least 67 years old when you already destroy your body and soul decades before that? people are burned out several decades before that and still so many old folks now have worked so hard all their lives to only get such little pension they still need to work despite being sick, or go collect bottles (in countries where you get a few cents for returning plastic bottles at least) or even beg. honestly its sick this cant be the essence of life. it keeps me up at night. i dont wanna do this. i dont want life to be like this. i used to wanna go into the music business so bad when i was like 18 and be a manager or in a band but ever since my era-struggle™ despite the fact i dont like whats mainstream today but i also dont think i could last a day in the fast pace of todays business with social media and cancel culture. i just couldnt. i barely can now from my current position and deleting all social media and getting a nokia or motorola flip phone like i had as a child or a landline phone seems more and more appealing. my old friends are moving into the big city and we are drifting apart. they work so much they dont have time. but i also realize that i am starting to exclude and seclude myself and dont crave much human contact anymore. it honestly drains me. even grocery shopping or walking my dog during daytime drains me at this point. i dont wanna move and live in a big city anymore like other people my age. my suburb is too much for me already. i have fantasies of escaping from here daily. i literally just wanna go move to a small beach or mountain village and open a dog daycare. this is literally the only thing i can see myself doing in the future that does not give me anxiety and makes me wanna run into oncoming traffic.

#rant

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inkstainedwanderer · 2 years

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Okay, my cousin indirectly inspired my new gameplan for fixing my current depressive slump.

When I get overwhelmed I get paralized. Unless I can fix the problem on a large scale, I sit there agonizing over what to do. Then I slowy stop doing other things until those become massive problems and on and on until I am as I am now. It's like when you mess up in a video game so bad you have to consider restarting because the effort to fix it feels way too much.

My biggest issue since I had my surgery has been money. I've pretty much been living off of handouts when I actually ask for help and dont try to live without. This includes rent. This last month I decided I didnt want to ask for help and would rather be homeless because I genuinely cant bring myself to ask for it anymore. I want to repay all the money given to me but it's getting to be so much I'm now freaking out over that too. My friends got me a ticket to go to Chicago with them and I couldnt decide if I was upset or happy because I now feel like I need to pay them back as well. I told my cousin this and she ended up giving me her credit card temporarily to pay rent, telling me to make sure I have a place to live in first and then worry about paying off the card second. Because I dont have to ask the card for help, I'm not as stressed about that aspect or whether or not I'll be homeless. My new job starts next week and it pays pretty well so I just have to focus on paying off the card, food, and electric rather than figuring out if my $200 paycheck should be saved to try and pay off some of my rent or used for food (between the three electricity seemed like less of a need).

But now I have all the issues that came about while I was contemplating homelessness... like how I dont have the energy to cook and how my apartment is TRASHED. For the past couple days I was stressing over food. I dont have a car to grocery shop and I didnt have the energy to cook or clean. So I was going into "sleep mode" ordering out once a day and then going back into sleep mode to essentially try and not waste energy. Which was neither healthy or monetarily responsible.

Today I paid rent and was thinking about how the credit card let me gain enough energy in the short term to actually work on my problem in the long term. So I applied that to my food.

I walked to the store and bought enough food I could carry that I dont need to prep or cook along with plasticware. It still isnt healthy, but at least now I'm not stressing about what to eat and how I'm throwing my money down the drain ordering out. So now I'll hopefully have the energy to motivate myself to start working on the next problem which is cleaning again. Cleaning means I'll stop avoiding the rest of the apartment, so I dont have to lay in bed all day and I can feel good about cooking again.

If I can get to a point where I can take care of myself again I might have the energy to socialize and be productive in ither areas besides survival.

Why did nobody tell me that small, temporary steps are okay towards solving massive problems?

#Inkstained rants #Depression

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gaygraviturgist · 2 years

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awk just rambling away here

ive just been feeling kind of.... i dont even know recently

im not like in a bad place but i dont know if im necessarily in a good place?? if that makes sense??

im just very tired like all the time, i constantly lack energy and motivation for things i used to enjoy

having a dog is at least helping me get out of the house nearly every day but i feel like im just struggling a lot to keep up with life atm

work is just a lot recently, i do like the shifts but the constant switching from nights to days is still throwing me for a loop and working for 12 hours straight is exhausting

stuff with my family it stressful right now too, my dad is still recovering from surgery and taking it out on everyone around him really. im lucky cause i dont live with my parents but i feel bad for my mum and brother cause i know they wont being doing anything to annoy him really

my great uncle is dying and is in end of life care, every time i go to see him he's just getting worse and it's upsetting to see

im constantly hearing from my mum how well my brother is doing, with his masters and his high paying job and his recent engagement and his savings and plans and just everything. i dont begrudge my brother for any of his achievements, he's worked hard and deserves his rewards but it's like everytime i speak to her it comes back to him. it's just draining now.

my driving lessons are going okayish? but i just feel panic every lesson and it feels like my instructor is just getting fed up that im still struggling with basics

im really struggling to keep up with people as well, ive been awful at answering people and im just constantly apologising. i feel like im maybe just pushing people away but i dont mean to, im just so tired and have like constant stress in the back of my head

im just tired, i just want to play games and dnd and not have to worry or think about real things. i dont want to have to stress about rent and energy prices and groceries and sick relatives and work and driving and just fucking everything

im just really tired, you know?

#personal #this ended up being more than i thought it would be

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kurgy · 1 year

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it actually really kills me that I don't make enough on a paycheck to actually survive the month anymore like rent and bills take ALL OF IT and then I just fucking. don't have money to buy basic groceries or my (very important) meds. medical bills? I'm just fucked. emergency? I lost my dog to cancer months ago and the 1200 bill has still completely destroyed my finances. the general response from ppl who don't got shit to worry about is "just get a job" as if I do not put in multiple applications anywhere I can every day and am still seriously limited because of disability. I dont think any business anywhere is actually hiring I'm certain it's a bit. like man im just tired of skipping meals and foregoing life saving medication but I don't have a choice not to

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pisces448 · 1 year

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omg I just transferred over a few more dollars into savings and im at x finally. like ive always had the money but I started putting it into an actual savings account. what's stupid is I didn't realize its the kind of account that charges a small fee unless there's a certain amounting there and its kinda of a high amount. but now im only x000 away from that amount and it shouldn't take me more than like 3 months to get there. like its gonna slow down because I won't be getting paid as much and likely be getting less hours. but its still so close and can just be more careful with money until. well until whenever I have enough to not be careful anymore. but yeah this makes me really happy and I feel like I dont have anything to be worried about for a while *remembers I haven't paid bills or my portion of rent or groceries since mid February* ouuugggghhhhh

#I just pay it off in big sums #but I always tend to forget each month hat I haeve like slightly les than it looks like I have #seeing that big number in my savings acc tho makes me feel like it is ok!

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falcqns · 2 years

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Not the same anon who asked about it but wow your house and future plans sound so awesome! I’m trying not to feel inadequate lol, you’re younger than me (I’m in my late twenties) and you’re married with a kid and getting a house and everything! (i’m still with my parents for $$ and mental health reasons, also I’m american and the housing market is a hot mess anyway) anyway, congrats on all the big life happenings, you’re awesome!

thank you bby <3. and don't feel inadequate!! i definitely don't have my life together lol. i am still living with my parents for the same reasons, although i am preparing to move into a one bedroom apartment with my husband and child. and i definitely relate on the housing market. we got super super lucky with our house, honestly. it used to be a rental, but the landlord is a friend of my grandparents, and felt like they were getting too old to run an apartment and decided to retire and to sell it. my grandparents had been helping us look for a place because we were getting evicted (not our fault, the building was being sold and was bought within a week of being on the market and we had to find a place really quick) so they sold it to us at a discounted price. we definitely werent in a place to buy a home just off the market, believe me. i was working 2.5 hours a day for $16.39 and relied on my parents for almost everything other than Bubba's stuff.

and don't feel bad for living with your parents for mental health reasons! more children are living with their parents longer to save money and convenience! i could have totally gotten another job and got an apartment, but my job and living at home allowed me to do school, parent my daughter, and walk to work, which saved on bills a ton (no gas money, no babysitter/daycare, no rent, ty mom and dad <3) as my only bills were my phone and groceries which i easily paid for with my budget of around $700 a month.

i'm not sure where you live, but i know where i live, there are resources and funding for those in need. when bubba and i were living on our own without andrew, we struggled. i had such bad money anxiety, and switched to cloth diapers because i couldn't afford $30 for diapers every month when i was paying rent, utilities, wifi, life insurance, food, etc. while being in school, parenting, and struggling mentally (depression, anxiety, undiagnosed adhd, and age regressing when i didn't know what it was was not a good mix) and i could have absolutely benefitted from living with my parents, something my parents offered multiple times. they always offered me rent help, to drop off groceries, to babysit, to let me move back in and said theyd pay for me to break my lease. and i didn't accept it because of an off hand comment my dad made when i was 17 and got mad at my brother for throwing my makeup out of my bedroom window and said that he hopes i never got pregnant because he didnt want to be raising my child (he apologized, dont worry) but i definitely let that one offhand comment effect my life, relationships and mental health.

living with your parents isnt something to be ashamed of, and neither is not being married/in a relationship. we're all different, and we all develop at different rates. almost 50% of the people i went to school with are married w children or a baby on the way already, and i am aware that i got lucky with andrew. its not everyday that you can find a man who can do a complete 180 from the man they used to be. a small amount of what i have achieved is just pure luck, but the majority of it has been from help.

my grandparents and great aunt and uncle have been a part of my life since i was born, in more than just a grandparent/aunt/uncle way, and more like parents because i have a deadbeat father. the house my parents have used to be my grandparents house. my babysitter was found because she went to church with my great aunt and uncle, and thats how i ended up committing to being a christian. i was able to get to all my appointments as a young child (i have a lot of medical issues which i can talk about if you're curious) because of my aunt and uncle. my mom and i always had housing when i was younger because of my grandparents and their connections. my college has been pretty much paid for my by parents, grandparents, and step grandparents on my dads side.

i have struggled, but i have also been extremely lucky to have the support systems that i do. not every one is as lucky as i have been, but there is no shame in needing help and support, and there is certainly no shame in living at home with your parents. they're your parents, and their job is to provide for you, support you and love you no matter the situation. that includes financially, and from what i can tell, your parents are very understanding and supportive and that is great.

so please, anon, don't feel ashamed or inadequate because what you need at the moment is different from what i need. as an educator, something i remind myself often is every child is different. here are some quotes that i love and stand by that help explain a little more:

every child has a different learning style and pace. every child is unique, not only capable of learning, but capable of succeeding. - robert john meehan

every child is a different flower, and all together make this world a beautiful garden. - anonymous

and my personal favourite:

each child is like a butterfly in the wind. some can fly higher than others, but each one flies as best it can. why compare one against another? each one is different. each one is special. each one is beautiful. - unknown (to me)

while these quotes relate to children and early childhood, this also relates to adults because we were children at one point.

anon, you are just as adequate. everyones needs are different, but that still means you are a wonderful, hard working person, who is doing whats right for themselves, and thats all that matter. ily anon <3 im always here if you want to talk!

#ava's anons #ava's sweet anons #sorry for rambling lol #its a bad habit #and the keyboard clacks that my keyboard is making is really stimulating atm for me after i was severely unstimulated last night and #this morning

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alasmydearatlas · 2 years

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sometimes i think my mom was maybe not a good mom

i feel like shit saying that

bc now when i say it i mean it

ive always joked about it and how she was so weird and strict and controlling but like i didn't relaize the like..... scale of it

and how just not normal it was

or maybe it was

but lowkey i be thinking it was maybe not supposed to be like that

i am afraid to exist in common areas bc i feel like im going to get yelled out

i pay rent to be here

but i still feel like i should not be here in a space i partially own

i know in the hoes its not my house

but like i must have had some rights, right???

eating chocalte chips is not that big of a crime, right??!?!?!

i feel like she was never proud of me

i had to ask her to tell me she was proud of me

that was good and big of me

but i didnt like that i had to

i feel like too maybe she didn't like my hobbies or i was just too scared to have them

maybe if i was busy enough with things she couldnt control bc they were good things she couldnt get mad at me for

it wasnt bad

there were good times

but the unshakable feeling of unease i dont think was suppsoed to be there

and i think she showed me how to be independant

and also showed me i was under her care which meant i was under her control

i want to be able to shut my door

i still feel like im doing something wrong when my door is shut

guilt

i feel so steeped in guilt and apologizes that didn't fit quite right in my mouth bc i just wanted someone to talk to me again

i think she made me very responsible for her emotional state and i dont like that

i should be allowed to come home late from work and not feel guilty about her staying up

thats not on me if she is worried

she has my fucking location all the time

she can chill

her silence hurts, and her dismisal hurts and i feel worthless and guilty and like dirt when she treats me like that

and then im groveling and taking blame

i feel like a pushover

maybe i am

i am getting better

i am learning to say no and that is a good thing

today i told them that i would not like them to be here for my sisters b day bc that is too close to finals

and i didn't just let my mom drag my whole family up here for a "vacay" no one would enjoy

and she did it tonight! perfect example

made us all feel guilty about our work schedules and how we might just have a single night in santa barbra in a little beach house and she sounded so put upon and taxed and dissapointed in something we really cant control

its so subtle and guilt trippy

ugh its making me angry

im so angry for yonger me

im so angry for current me

i deserved a grownup, and i deserved to be a kid

the social development i missed out on and i feel so behind and im catching up but i feel like im so behind and im on the wrong foot always

and i will never be cool enouhg or have grown up in a way that i want to tell other people about

i am still finacially dependant on her and i hate it

bc i feel like if i make her mad she will cut my tuition and grocery money and i could handle that but like it would be so hard

i also think i reminder her of my dad

she has told me that often actually

in like a bad way though

like i think she thinks she can parent me out of becoming like my dad but all that does is make it more likley lmao

also, she moved out when she was 17

there is no way she did that so easily if she had that good of a relationship with her parents

she wanted to be involved but she was too involved and so so so judgey

bc mandy is super judgemental too

and i think that is learned behavior

also the way she handled me coming out

i get it

but that shit hurt lowkey

made me feel like i was wrong and bad and like it was another blemish on my character

man i dont know

here are my thoughts

i will add more later maybe

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