#i slept at 6 am and i've been in and out of sleep ever since
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gonna get some coffee before i answer asks cause shit have i had a night 🥲
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Levi Ackerman x Reader - Almost
Chapter 3: Taste
Modern AU Levi Ackerman x Reader fanfic I've been dying to write! Levi is my latest hyper fixation so this was bound to happen. There will be other AOT characters in the mix, but remember this is a modern AU!
Chapter Summary: Levi stops in the coffee shop again to ask reader out on another date. We get a bit of Levi's POV and some backstory!
WARNING: SOME SMUT AHEAD
ao3 link
The next day you wake up with butterflies in your stomach and an intense feeling of anxiety in your body.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Your alarm read 6 AM. You have to be at work by 7, and you'll probably walk in to the 9-5 crowd.
To be honest, you barely slept. You kept replaying last night over and over in your head until you eventually nodded off to sleep. Seeing Levi's name on your phone screen made your heart soar, so you knew you needed to push your feelings down. Levi is not the type of man to show PDA, or even tell you he likes you.
From what you can tell, he definitely at least tolerates you.
As you got out of the shower, you saw your phone screen light up.
Levi: Good morning. I hope you slept well.
Levi Ackerman texts like an old man. But its cute.
You: Good morning, I slept like a baby. How did you sleep?
You lied. Obviously. You didn't sleep because you were too busy thinking about the very man you were texting.
Levi: I didn't.
You: ??? You didn't sleep?
Levi: No. I rarely do. I'll see you soon, brat.
It's not very surprising that Levi doesn't sleep much if at all, but that still worried you. Sleep is very important when it comes to basic life functioning, and you know Levi's life is filled with stress.
You put on your uniform and put your hair in a half up, half down style. One day when you own your own coffee shop, there won't be any uniforms.
☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕
"I can help who's next." You look up from the register, only to see your favorite pair of eyes.
"Medium black tea please." Levi peered through his jet black locks. His undercut looks freshly done, he must've done it after our date last night.
Date? Hang out?
"Will you ever try a new drink?" You smile at him, tapping the numbers in on the iPad.
"No. I like what I like and it hasn't done me wrong yet." Levi handed you his card in between his pointer and middle finger. "Are you busy this weekend?"
"I'm not actually. I have the weekend off." You slide his card and hand it back to him. "Any exciting plans for you?"
"Maybe." Levi shrugged, putting his card in his sleek wallet. "If you say yes."
This caught you off guard. Levi wanted to hang out again? So soon?
☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕ LEVI ☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕
I'm not good with communicating my emotions. That is unbearably obvious. I have never been the type to step out of my comfort zone and confess my true feelings to anyone.
This all started with my mother. Of course.
After witnessing her die, I did not want to speak ever again. She was everything to me. Not only was I a child, but I was an only child. A child is not supposed to lose their mom so early on in life.
I honestly rarely have feelings for anyone. I have... 2 friends. Erwin and Hange. So 1 and a half.
I currently see a therapist because I'm 30 years old and I'm getting the feeling that I want to be settled down soon. You know, kids and all that. I'm already a CEO, I have the house of my dreams, but I'm missing someone to share it with.
I've tried dating. No woman ever sticks. Either they just want sex, my money, or attention. They never want me.
When I met her, I felt a tingle in my chest. Seeing her face every morning and getting my tea for me gives me the same feeling every day.
So, my therapist told me to step up and ask her out.
It took me 6 months - but I did it.
Our date, if we want to call it that, since I'm not sure what she thought of it, went perfectly. Her personality meshes with mine in a way that it's written in novels. I can be rather dry with my sense of humor, but she gets it. She gets me.
I didn't kiss her last night, or even hug her, but God do I want to. I'm not sure if I get a taste of her if I'll ever be able to let go.
An image of her was playing over and over in my head as I was showering last night, her black dress clinging to her curves. Her thighs peeking out of her stockings drove me crazy. But I kept my composure.
Obviously, I had to relieve myself. In the shower. Thinking of her.
I haven't even touched her yet and she has me like this.
My therapist said that it's okay for me to feel this intensely, that it's 'normal'. Who even decides what's normal anyways?
I haven't told Hange or Erwin about her yet, and I don't plan too until if and when we decide to actually be together. I don't need their opinions or Hange's excitement rumbling in my ear.
"If you say yes." I sip my tea, looking at her. Her eyes were doe-like, which made the pit of my stomach feel hot.
"Let me know what you wanna do, I'm yours this weekend." She smiled, helping the next customer in line.
Does she know that my dick is hard right now because of what she just said? How little she just said?
I lifted my cup and left the cafe, heading towards my car to go to the office.
Bzzzzzz.
"Ackerman, can you come in earlier? A few people want to meet with you about a project they want you to fund." Hange almost screamed into the phone.
"4 eyes, I can hear you perfectly fine if you talk at a normal tone. Yeah, I'm on my way."
"Well I can't control the volume!"
"You actually can. Goodbye." I hung up, starting the car. I glanced at the window of the coffee shop, watching her smile at customers and hand them their drinks. Her smile warmed my cold heart, slowly defrosting the ice that encases it.
Does she know she's all I can think about?
☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕ BRATTY BARISTA ☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕
You cannot believe you just told Levi Ackerman you were his this weekend. Did he think you were a slut? Did he think you were gonna put out?
That thought left your brain when you remembered who you were talking about. Levi Ackerman is a gentleman before anything, which he's shown you.
You heard your coworker Nina call your name, who also happens to be one of your good friends.
"Did that fine ass man ask you out this weekend?!" She leaned against the counter, smiling. "I knew he wanted to get with you!"
"Yes, we went out last night too actually." A blush blessed your cheeks as you washed your hands.
"How was the short king? How were his lips?!"
"We didn't kiss." You looked at her, hoping she wouldn't drag the conversation further.
"What?! So was it even a date? I usually go way farther than a kiss on a first date-"
"Did you date Levi Ackerman?" You tilted your head, emphasizing Levi's name. "I'm not rushing anything. I enjoy his company."
"I'm just saying, he looks rather kissable."
"Obviously, Nina." Your eyes rolled so far they could've gotten stuck in the back of your head. "Trust me, I want to kiss him. I would love to jump his bones. I want to every time he walks in here."
☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕
After your shift, you were relieved you were off for the weekend. You worked the regular 8 hours today and needed to decompress from all of the customer service.
Bzzzzz.
Levi: I was thinking we could grab a coffee tomorrow morning and head to the flea market. Not a coffee from your job though. Thoughts?
Was this man in your head?
You: That sounds amazing, actually. What time is my chariot arriving?
Levi: 8 AM. Not like you're not used to seeing me early in the morning anyways.
You: Ay-ay captain.
You've never dealt with a man that made plans for you. The fact that Levi suggested quite literally your favorite morning activities for a date made you swoon.
You spent the rest of your afternoon/night cleaning your apartment and finishing the lastest novel you picked up. Nina sent you outfit inspo for tomorrow but you were not in the mood to show off your tits at 8AM.
☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕
Wakeup call was 6 AM so you could make sure you were ready for your Range Rover chariot to wisk you away. Your shower helped wake you up, even though your anxiety has kept you up most of the night.
You opted for a pair of straight leg barely ripped jeans, an oversized crewneck, and platform white converse. You accessorized with various layered necklaces and small gold hoop earrings.
Makeup with your usual small winged liner with glowy skin and glossy lips. By the time you were done with everything, it was 7:45. You sprayed your favorite marshmallow vanilla perfume before grabbing your purse and checking your phone.
Nina: Good luck today! Kiss those perfect lips!!
You: I'm about to send you a video of me rolling my eyes.
Bzzzzz.
Levi: I'm early again. Your chariot awaits.
You smiled at your phone, grabbing your coat. You saw Levi's car through your window, his eyes glued onto your door. Once you walked out, Levi got out of the car and opened the passenger door.
Levi was wearing a casual outfit himself, black jeans with a grey (cashmere?) sweater, and loafers. God, he smelled good too.
"Good morning." Levi closed your door, getting back in his seat. "You look cozy."
"Thank you, so do you." You smile at him, memorizing every inch of his face. You wanted to lean in and kiss him right then and there, but you did not want to make the first move.
You weren't going to.
☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕
Once you parked, you walked to a coffee shop that's in the midst of the flea market. Part of you wondered why one of the richest men in the city would shop at a flea market.
Levi pressed his hand to the small of your back, ushering you out of the coffee shop. His touch sent sparks up your body.
You and Levi strolled through the different vendors, sipping your drinks and talking. You caught Levi looking at your hand a little too much, especially when you threw out your cup.
More people started to show up to the flea market, causing the crowd to get larger. Levi looked more tense, darting his eyes at every exit.
"I didn't know it would get so crowded." You try to break his thoughts, looking up at him.
Levi took your hand in his, slowly intertwining his fingers with yours. "I don't wanna lose you." Levi said so casually. You know he meant he didn't want to lose you in the crowd, but you also felt that he meant that in another way.
"Do you want to get out of here and head to my apartment? It's getting too crowded to walk." You suggest, pressing your hand against his.
"Yes please."
You've learned that Levi Ackerman does not like crowds, partially because it forces him to do PDA.
☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕
You are thankful you cleaned your apartment yesterday. Everything was in it's place, and it smelled good. Not that it didn't usually, but you live alone so if you don't clean it, no one else will.
Levi took his shoes off at the door with you, taking in his surroundings.
"You have nice taste." Levi helped you take off your coat, hanging it in your closet.
"Thank you. I try." You smile, turning to face Levi. "Thank you for this morning." You inch closer to him, watching his eyes search your face.
"Thank you for every morning." Levi leaned in, bringing his hand to your cheek gently.
For what felt like years, you and Levi looked in each other's eyes. You had a full conversation with just your eyes.
Levi eliminated the space between you and pressed his lips to yours. His lips are pillow soft and taste like mint. You slowly wrap your arms around his neck, dragging your fingers along his undercut.
His lips moved in rhythm with yours, sliding his hands down your curves to your ass. You smile against his lips, pressing your chest to his.
"If you want to stop, I-" Levi pulled away, looking in your eyes.
"Levi, please." You almost whimper, bringing his lips back to yours. You lead your bodies to the couch, straddling Levi's waist. You open your mouth as he's kissing you, letting his tongue in. His fingertips softly dragged down your back, making sure to squeeze your ass every now and then.
His tongue slipped in your mouth, exploring every inch of it. You sucked on it gently as you felt your core start to pulsate, begging for attention.
Levi moaned quietly against your lips - you could barely hear it but it happened. Your hips started moving in rhythm, his erection pressing against his jeans.
Bzzzzzz. Bzzzzz. Bzzzz.
You pulled away from Levi, staring down at his pocket.
"I'm gonna kill whoever is calling me." Levi pulled his phone out of his pocket, rolling his eyes at the screen. "I'm sorry, it's Erwin. The President of Ackerman Inc. I have to take this, he doesn't usually call."
You nod and roll off of him, your core needy as fuck and your lips missing his.
#levi#levi fanfic#levi attack on titan#levi ackerman#levi ackerman x reader#attack on titan fanfic#levi x reader#levi smut#levi ackerman smut#captain levi
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"This is a beautiful letter from Fiona Apple explaining to her fans why she must postpone a concert date. I am impressed at the way she was instantly able to make the decision to choose love over her career. Indeed, the world needs more of this.
It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I'm writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.
Here's the thing.
I have a dog, Janet, and she's been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.
She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.
She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.
She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight, or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.
Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We've lived in numerous houses, and joined a few makeshift families, but it's always really been just the two of us.
She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.
She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.
The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.
She has Addison's Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel, since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.
Despite all this, she's effortlessly joyful & playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, and my mother, and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.
I can't come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.
She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.
I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.
But I know she is coming close to the time where she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.
I just can't leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.
Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.
But this decision is instant.
These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.
I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable & comforted & safe & important.
Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life that keeps us feeling terrified & alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time. I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.
I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.
Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.
When she dies.
So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am revelling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I'm asking for your blessing.
I'll be seeing you.
Love,
Fiona"
Credit goes to the respective owners.
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So, @underacalicosky and @wibzenadarksiderwithasoftheart tagged me in the WIP Tag Game, AND THANK YOU FOR THAT, but I don't have any new WIPs since the last time 🤷🏻♀️and you all know about all of those. . . BUT I have been working on option 3 from that poll quite a lot - I have about 75k words, but I am nowhere near ready to post a first chapter. But you know what? I think part of my slump right now is that I haven't shared any of my writing in almost 6 months since I finished Streets. So, though I am nervous to do this - because knowing me, I'll probably end up changing this or scrapping it - here is a small sample of that fic I've been working on:
Ferus awakes to the smell of brewing tea, and he’s not even sure how Obi-Wan has achieved such a feat when he doesn’t even have a kitchen, but the aroma is unmistakable. He glances at the parallel palette a few feet away – Anakin is still sound asleep, and the first sun is not yet peeking into the interior of the cave.
When Ferus stirs, he sees Obi-Wan perched on the plateau in the entryway of the cavern. He sits beside him and the Jedi Master slides him a cup.
“I had another ready,” Obi-Wan comments evenly, but cheerfully. “I thought you might be up soon. . . Your Master used to talk of how you’d wake with the suns.”
Ferus’ lips curl at the mention of his former, deceased Master, Siri Tachi. “She was like Anakin, and could sleep all day if you’d let her.”
Obi-Wan smiles softly. “And he needs extra rest these days, it seems.”
“He does. He gets worn out so quickly. . . It’s strange to think it’s Anakin – always so competitive, pushing himself to the limit. Needing to be the best. To win.”
“That need for victory,” Obi-Wan somberly tsks. “I do believe that’s where I lost him.” He sighs. “His fear of losing. . . It impacted him in more ways than one, but now that he’s lost so much, I don’t think it frightens him anymore.”
“Well, he hasn’t lost you – and it’s clear you’re what matters most to him.”
“You mean a great deal to him as well,” Obi-Wan reminds intently.
Ferus marginally shifts the subject, “Obi-Wan? You don’t have to answer this, but. . . I saw the two of you last night, the way you. . . I know I only implied it before, but did the two of you have a relationship?”
“Not a romantic one, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“That is what I’m getting at – the way you held him, and the way he was curled up against you – I can’t say it’s a position I’ve ever been in with my Master, but I’ve surely slept beside my husband in the same manner.”
“I never touched him,” Obi-Wan defends sharply. “Especially not when he was seventeen. But when he got older, when the war started. . . Well, we became less like Master and apprentice and more like. . . something else entirely. But nothing ever came of it. There was tension there, and to be honest, I think it caused problems between us. This chirpy Anakin is one I’ve not seen in a long time, and I’ve missed him terribly. I honestly don’t know what possessed us to curl up together last night, because it’s not something he’d remember us doing; it’s not something we did until he was older. We’d seek comfort during the war, but it was never really romantic so much as just comfortable – natural. . . and I suppose that’s why we ended up that way: it just felt natural. I’m sorry. I’m rambling, and I know that’s not much of an explanation, but when it comes to Anakin. . . in light of this situation. . . I’ve just never before been so confused and so sure of myself all at once.”
Ferus laughs ironically. “That’s exactly what I was trying to explain to you about taking him under my wing. It felt both wrong and right. I’m still conflicted at times. . . and I. . . I can’t stay, Obi-Wan.”
Obi-Wan’s head turns sharp. “You can’t go,” he protests.
“I can’t stay,” Ferus reiterates. “I need to get back to the base – check on things there. Try to get back home and make sure Roan’s family is safe.”
“But you don’t intend to return.”
“I. . .”
“Anakin will be crushed. Please don’t do this. Not right now. Let him get settled.”
“He doesn’t need me, Obi-Wan; he has you.”
“Do you not hear how he refers to the two of you as one unit? Do you not see the way he lights up when you enter the room? Do you not see how he hangs on your every word? ‘Well, Ferus says. . . Ferus thinks. . . Ferus wants. . .’ ”
“That’s just because we’ve spent so much time together. I’m all he’s had for the last few weeks. He’ll be fine. I know you’ll take care of him.”
“You aren’t so sure. I can sense it – your worry for him, but you’re running away because it scares you –because of what he used to be, and I’m. . . I’m scared, too, and maybe I need you just as much as he does right now. You’re the only one that— Don’t go. I want you to stay.”
Obi-Wan and Ferus go quiet when they sense Anakin awake and approaching.
“Good morning, dear one,” Obi-Wan beams when a sleepy looking Anakin appears. His eyes are tired. His face is blank. His arms are folded, buried in his Master’s robe, head covered to hide his scarred face.
Anakin’s gaze is on the horizon, where the second sun is just starting to rise, the shadows of the cave now absorbing soft morning light. Both men have turned to watch him. Now, he watches them back and smirks. He wedges himself between the pair, then puts his head on Obi-Wan’s shoulder.
Ferus is just about to stand when an arm comes around his waist and pulls him closer. A cybernetic hand snakes up his back and rubs it gently. Ferus slowly turns to look at Anakin just as he lifts his head from Obi-Wan’s shoulder, and Ferus finds he can’t look away from the intense and engaging stare.
Anakin lets his forehead tenderly bump against Ferus.’ When he feels Obi-Wan’s arm stretch around him, he boldly decides to now use Ferus as his personal pillow instead, supremely content with having contact from each side.
Obi-Wan’s knuckles brush back and forth against Ferus’ ribs, an indirect way to communicate, a way to say he understands. He knows Ferus is wrestling with the very same qualm he himself had struggled with for many years: craving Anakin’s touch, while simultaneously fighting a guilt-ridden urge to push it away. He sees Ferus’ dark eyes peer at him from over the hood of the robe Anakin is still snuggled in – tethering between satisfaction and indecision.
Ferus is rigid, neck straight and chin high. But at Obi-Wan’s faint, but soothing smile, and with Anakin burrowing further into his side, he can’t help but rest his cheek to the top of Anakin’s head, shamefully giving in to the warmth and solace they both provide.
The three remain huddled together as they watch the sky change colors in a comfortable silence.
*
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*
*
Thoughts?? Any interests? I feel like this will be a fic about 4 people will read lol, but I've been wanting to write it for almost 2 years now. I feel rusty! Idk if I can pull it off, but I'm going to try.
Thanks again for the tags, friends! It looks like all of your WIPs have been inquired about (or I already have knowledge of them! 🤩) These all look DELISH!!!
#wip game#not exactly the same game but#you can always send asks if you want to know more!#obikin#and ferus#obikinfer#or i also like skylinobi for this trio#sigh#beautiful boys
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this is us ~ jjk | 9
jungkook feels guilty about what he did.
✨ title: this is us | (sequel to all grown up)
✨ pairing: jungkook x f!reader | ✨ rating: m/18+ | minors dni
✨ genre/au: drama, romance, angst, fluff, smut | est!relationship, age gap, bff's younger brother
✨ playlist
✨ a/n: if you haven’t read the prequel to this, please do so here! :) you can read them here on AO3 & Wattpad
[ SERIES MASTERLIST ] | next ✨ 10 ~ a blast from the past: part three
chapter nine ~ a blast from the past: part two | wc: 8.4k
warnings: flashback to 18-year-old-jungkook, he's young, naïve and wants get his dick wet, alex is a menace to society and jungkook, language, kissing, touching, groping, oral (m,f receiving), spitting, throat fucking, cum swallowing, dirty talk, unprotected sex, creampie, jungkook gets the clap, jungkook denies a hand job, allusions to sex
Jungkook woke up in a cold sweat. He could barely sleep the night before, tossing and turning, dreaming about a girl that wasn't you, as you were lying next to him. He didn't mean to and didn't want to, but he did.
The first thing on his mind was Alex. He couldn't stop thinking about why she was here. The meeting at work didn't reveal anything. It was mostly just an introduction to who she was and her role in the company.
The events from the day before replayed like a horror movie in his head. He shook the image and turned to face you, sleeping peacefully, not knowing what a shitty boyfriend he was.
His mind ran rampant, thinking about how you would handle the news - news of him practically feeling up his ex and kissing her back. God --he felt so lousy and lame and pathetic. He'd completely understand if you'd never want to see him again. You'd already gone through so much with U-jin cheating on you, and now...he was no different, was he?
He kept telling himself it was a moment of weakness and poor choices. It was like he was transported back into the mind and body of his 18-year-old self, remembering what it felt like to be with Alex, what it felt like to be wanted and needed.
Jungkook's stomach twisted and turned, his face grimacing as Alex was still at the forefront of his mind. He couldn't tell now if the growing erection in his sweats was because of you or her.
Closing his eyes in hopes of getting rid of his thoughts, he fluttered them open, moving a strand of hair from your face and gently stroking your cheek with his thumb. You looked like a plump baby cherub when you slept, so he thought, chuckling to himself, finding you endearing in the early hours of the morning. Your mouth was slightly agape, with small puffs of air escaping. He could see your eyes slightly moving while still closed. You were probably going to be awake soon.
He wanted to talk to you and explain everything that happened, and he didn't want to keep that from you. He didn't ever want to lie, that wasn't him, but he needed time to figure out what to say.
His phone was tucked underneath the pillow, and he reached for it, checking to see the time. It was early, 6:30 AM. This was a good time to hurry and get up before you did. He needed to get his mind off of everything. He'd leave a note telling you where he was in case you became worried. He couldn't bear to be next to you with keeping what he did with Alex a secret.
The boxing gym was quiet for a Saturday morning. He set his gym bag down on the bench as he opened his locker, which was filled with dust. Jungkook sifted through a few things, searching for the roll of hand wraps. His trainer, Johnny, walked into the locker room, surprised to find Jungkook.
Johnny snickered. "Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up finally. Thought I'd have to come to hunt you down myself."
Jungkook scoffed. "Yeah, yeah, yeah... I've been busy, and I have a life, you know," he said, beginning to wrap his hands. It's been a minute since Jungkook's stepped into the boxing gym - you and work were keeping him busy. But today was different. He needed another outlet to let out all of his pent-up stress.
"I bet your form is shit now," Johnny teased, stepping closer to Jungkook, pretending to spar with him.
"Oh yeah ?" Jungkook raised his brows. He was always confident in everything he pursued. He gave it his all, not just a hundred percent, more like a hundred and ten percent.
"We'll see once you step in the ring," Johnny taunted again.
Jungkook chuckled, shaking his head. Being back at the boxing gym was good, and maybe this would keep him distracted from you and Alex - mostly Alex.
"Yah--you have something you need to get off your chest?"
Jungkook was breathing heavily, practically panting, "What? No, I'm good. Come on." He got back into his stance, waiting for Johnny to continue.
"As I said, your form is shit right now," Johnny said, holding up his mitts for Jungkook to strike again.
"Shut up, Johnny," Jungkook retorted. He was taking his anger out on Johnny, which probably wasn't the smartest thing. He knew Johnny could knock him out if he wanted to. As much as he tried to keep Alex out of his mind, she did what she did best - leeching on and sucking the life out of him.
Johnny tested his jabs and blocks, could tell he wasn't in the right headspace, and stopped. "I've been doing this for a long time Jungkook-ah. I know when something is bothering you."
Jungkook punched the mitt harshly, making Johnny stumble back. He held himself up, preventing himself from falling over. Jungkook wiped the sweat from his forehead and took off toward the locker room. He removed his gloves and started to unwrap the tape binding his hands, throwing it on the ground out of frustration. Looking up, he saw himself in the mirror. Turning around, he punched the locker next to his, leaving a dent. He groaned loudly as he pulled his hand away, looking at the damage he had impaled upon himself.
"Fuck!" Boxing wasn't helping. Nothing was helping. He wished he could go back to yesterday and undo everything - no, he wished he could go back in time and never meet Alex.
" Whoa, man...you okay?" Jin asked as he walked into whatever this crisis was.
Jungkook grimaced, looking at his hand, which was now covered with cuts and scrapes. It was a stupid thing to do because now he'd have to explain what happened. He was in agony over this whole thing. He hated himself so much. He couldn't bear to see the look on your face once he told you what he did.
"Is this about Alex? What the hell happened with you two anyway?" Jin asked, waiting for an answer. "I go out for some fresh air during karaoke, and then you're gone when I come back."
Obviously, Jin knew Jungkook and Alex had something going on. Why else would Jungkook be so distraught and act out of character? It wasn't like him. Jungkook completely ignored him and continued on his way to open up his locker and grab his things.
"I'll see you later, hyung," Jungkook mumbled on his way out.
But Jin wouldn't let him go so easily. "Yah--yah!" Jin yelled, catching up to Jungkook while walking to his car. Jin pushed the door shut just as Jungkook was opening it. "Come on, man, talk to me. What's going on? This isn't like you."
Jungkook's jaw tensed up before letting out an exhale. "I fucked up."
"'Kay...and?"
"You hungry?"
The drive to the brunch spot was pure silence. Jin wanted to interrupt the awkwardness with new jokes he learned, but he could sense it wasn't the right place and time - the distress from Jungkook was enough for him to bite his tongue.
After receiving their food, Jungkook kept indulging in it and avoiding the conversation he alluded to earlier with Jin. Finally, he was fed up.
"Bro--you gonna tell me what's going on, or should I start making assumptions?" Jin asked.
Jungkook was midway chewing through his potatoes, swallowing the biggest gulp Jin had seen - it almost looked like it hurt. But Jungkook continued eating instead of answering Jin's question.
Jin nodded. "Okay fine. Lemme take a stab at what this could be about. Let's start when I brought Alex in, hmm? You started acting super strange - pretty nervous, I might say. I leave the two of you alone for a mere five minutes in the office, and I come back in, and she's practically feeling you up. And then, she can't keep her eyes off of you the whole time while we're at karaoke, and stupid of me to leave you two alone again, because I come back and you're gone. So, if you're not telling me what happened, I will assume the worst. Did you kiss her?"
He glared at his friend and colleague, waiting for him to answer, but his silence warranted what Jin suspected. "Did you tell your girlfriend?"
No, Jungkook thought, 'cause he fucked you instead of telling you the truth.
"I'm guessing that's a no," Jin sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He felt as though he was caught between a rock and a hard place. Jin loved his friend, and he'd grown fond of you too, but it wasn't his place to say anything.
"I'm going to tell her," Jungkook stressed as he pushed around the rest of his food with his fork. "I'm...just mustering up the courage."
"It's just a kiss, right? What's so hard about telling her about that, unless..." Jin stared blankly at his friend.
Jungkook licked his lips, his other hand nervously picking at the non-existent hair on his chin.
"Please don't tell me there's something else." Another nod of silence from Jungkook confirmed Jin's suspicions. "What did you do, Jungkook-ah?" Jin asked, rubbing his hand over his mouth in exasperation.
He was clearly avoiding Jin's burning glare, about to tell him what he did, but Jin interrupted.
"You know what," Jin held his hands up to stop him. "I don't want to know for fear that I'll have to resist the temptation to strangle you."
"Hyung...I already feel like shit, so please, don't say anything to anyone. I'm going to talk to her, I promise."
After brunch, Jungkook dropped Jin off at home. Peering up, he remembered your first "official" date when he brought you here. He chuckled, being reminded of Jin's note not to fuck at his place, and the two of you didn't, but that didn't mean you didn't have your hands all over each other, not watching the movie he chose that night.
Before Jin walked to his front door, he paused, turning back to the car, gesturing for Jungkook to roll his windows down.
"Yeah?"
"You gonna be okay, Jungkook-ah?"
He shrugged because he really didn't know how everything would turn out. He could only assume the worst, and he was prepared for it. Did he want to work this out in whatever way he could? Of course - he didn't want to lose you. You're everything he's wanted. At this point, he was willing to do whatever it took to be with you.
Jin grabbed Jungkook's shoulder, rubbing it to reassure him. "Let me know if you need anything, 'kay?"
Jungkook nodded, rolling his windows back up, his face in his hands, agonizing about what to do next. He knew he should go home and talk to you.
He checked his phone. Nearly two in the afternoon, and a few missed texts from you.
Baby 💫 8:30 AM
Hiiiiiii. You fuck me like a crazy person, and then I wake up alone. You're such a tease! When will you be home? Thought we could hang out WITH our clothes on lol
Baby 💫 9:27 AM
Gonna meet up with Yuna and Hyunie. See you tonight.
Baby 💫 12:34 PM
Omg babyyy! This aglio e olio is to die for! Wish you could taste
it. We have to come here.
Jungkook 1:56 PM
Hi baby. I was at the boxing gym and had brunch with Jin. Might go on a drive but I'll try not to take too long, 'kay? Love you.
- 2015 -
There were many instances where Jungkook had hoped he was born first instead of his sister. He often observed the funny and clumsy girl with framed glasses from afar, wondering if he would even have a slim chance of her being his. She was over every day after school because her parents constantly argued about something. She often found solace with Jungkook and Yuna. And, of course, he didn't mind having her there, spending almost every waking moment with her.
The final month before 18-year-old Jungkook finished high school, he applied to several schools in the States and was waiting to hear back to see if he was accepted.
He sat nervously at the dinner table with two envelopes in front of him, afraid to open them to discover his fate. He worked hard these last few years to catch up with his schoolwork and to graduate on time with his friends. He only found something he was passionate about once he discovered a love for drawing and gaming.
His 28-year-old crush entered the kitchen and opened the fridge, looking for something sweet to drink. You scanned the fridge and glanced at the young boy staring at the envelopes in front of him, nervously tapping his fingers on the table.
"You have to use your hands to open the envelopes. They won't open themselves," you teased, finding a bottle of banana milk on the middle shelf.
He didn't answer but continued to stare at the envelopes. You came over to the table and pulled up a chair next to him, puncturing a hole through the foil of the banana milk. As soon as the straw went through the top, Jungkook grabbed the bottle from you and started chugging down the bottle.
"Yah!" You shouted at him, annoyed at this bratty boy.
He stopped to take a breath. "Noona, you need to open these for me, please. I can't do this." He pushed the envelopes towards the beautiful girl with her hair in a messy top knot bun. His favorite look on you was a plus when you also had on your big nerdy glasses.
You opened the one from Otis College of Art and Design. You scanned the letter without giving away any indication of acceptance or rejection. You turned the letter over, grabbed the next one from Woodbury University, and did the same thing.
He sat there waiting patiently for you to tell him, but you went ahead and grabbed the banana milk he had basically finished. You tried slurping, but there was nothing left. With his wide eyes glaring, you finally broke the silence and chuckled.
"Well...? Noona, tell me, please. I can't breathe," his eyes darting from the envelopes to you to get any kind of reaction.
"Sorry, Kook...you didn't get in," you answered, trying to hold in your laugh. You cleared your throat and attempted to compose yourself again.
He frowned and looked devastated when you told him, but you couldn't lie to your little bunny.
"I'm kidding, Kook. Pack your bags. It looks like you're headed to California," you beamed, reaching across to ruffle his bowl haircut and pinch his cheeks. "My whittle googie is a big wabbit now."
He held your hands, and you continued pinching his cheeks, treating him like a little baby. Then Yuna walked in.
"What's going on?" Yuna asked.
"Jungkookie got into both of the schools in California!" you exclaimed, clapping your hands.
Yuna walked over and hugged him from behind. "Good job Kookie! I knew you could do it. That means we have to start packing, huh?"
"My whittle bunny," you teased him in a baby voice. "Who am I going to bother now that you'll be gone," continuing in your normal voice.
A part of him wished he didn't get in. A part of him wanted to stay. "I'll come back and visit, or you guys could make a trip out and visit me," he suggested.
"Oh, I would love to visit California! I hear it's beautiful. We should do it." Yuna exclaimed.
"Both schools are in Los Angeles, right? I definitely want to go to the beach there! Ooh --okay, now I'm excited," you squealed at the possibility of visiting.
Jungkook was already thinking about everything he'd take you to do and see. He'd love to be your tour guide once he is all settled in.
When Jungkook arrived at his dorm, the door was ajar, and he opened it further. "Hello?... Is anyone here?" He announced as he now fully stood in the room. No one was in sight, but he noticed a set of suitcases in front of the closet.
He heard two voices coming behind him, laughing and chatting as they entered the room. Two boys entered the room, one with a brown bowl haircut and the other with dyed orange hair. They stopped their chatter once they saw their new roommate.
"Oh-hey, what's up, man?" The orange-haired boy held his hand out to Jungkook. "I'm Jimin," Jungkook reciprocated, giving him a nod, "and this is Taehyung."
"'Sup, man?"
"I'm Jungkook," he said sheepishly, nervous, unsure what to do or say. It seemed they already knew each other, and Jungkook was the odd man.
Jimin brushed past Taehyung, plopping himself on the bottom bunk, splayed on top of the navy duvet, and Taehyung did the same but on the top bunk.
Jungkook decided the best thing to do was unpack. Even though he had just got off an eleven-hour flight, he knew he needed to stay up for the jet lag to wear off. Unzipping his large suitcase on top of his bed, he began stashing his undergarments and socks into a drawer while separating his shirts and bottoms.
"What's your major?" Taehyung propped himself on his elbows, peering at Jungkook.
Holding a few folded shirts between his hands, he turned to answer Taehyung's question. "Game Art and Design. What about you?"
"Cool. I'm doing filmmaking, Jimin's boring, and he's doing marketing."
Jimin took a fist and punched the bottom of Taehyung's bunk. "Yah--You'll need my help marketing all the porn you want to make."
"It's not porn! They're erotic films."
Jimin scoffed. "Same thing."
The two continued to bicker, and Jungkook couldn't help but smile. They were all going to get along just fine.
It's been four months since Jungkook called home. He figured he should video call his big sister so she wouldn't worry about him. His mom was already leaving multiple voicemails and text messages asking him to call her back, and he might as well video call to get it over with.
"Well, well, well, look who decides to call," Yuna teased him.
"Ha-ha, very funny, Noona. I've been busy."
"Too busy to call your own family? "
"Sorry," he mumbled, knowing the real reason why he was always tied up. Literally.
But his heart skipped a beat when he heard the familiar voice he was always so fond of. He missed hearing the sweet sound of you.
Moving into the frame, you peeked your head in. "Yah--cool guy...We let you leave, and you never call anymore? Rude," your arms were crossed, pretending to be mad at him.
He blushed, thinking you were cute. " Noona ..." he whined, "You have to let me live life a little. You know...get some life experience." Whatever that meant - but he definitely got a lot of life experience these past few months.
"Just don't do anything stupid, okay? I don't wanna have to fly all the way over there and kick your ass."
He chuckled. You were always saying things like that. He knew you had his best interest at heart and would forever look out for him. To be honest, he low-key wanted to do something stupid just so you'd come to rescue him.
"Here, talk to him for a second. I think Namjoon's gonna burn down the kitchen if I don't help him."
Jungkook nodded slowly, unsure of what to say next. He wasn't expecting to talk to you. He was expecting to talk to Yuna. "So...what are you guys doing?"
"We're just hanging out at Yuna's, having dinner. Well, more like burning dinner."
"Who's we?"
"Me, Yuna, Namjoon, and U-jin."
He threw a little in his mouth at mentioning that name. Guess you were still with that douche. He thought you would have dumped him by now, and he thought you deserved better.
"What about you? What are you up to?"
"I'm just in my dorm, studying. I decided to take a break and call."
"Are you enjoying your time there? Making friends?"
"Yeah, I am...it's been fun. I miss home, though." He really wanted to say that he missed you and probably thought about you too often at night when his roommates were gone. He missed the warmth of your voice, the kindness from your eyes, the softness of your hair...he could go on and on. He should stop before he got a hard-on while talking to you.
"Aw, Jungkookie. I'm so happy to hear that!"
Jungkook adjusted himself in the chair, and you saw something that caught your eye.
"...are you in your underwear while talking to us?!" You cringed and hid your eyes behind your hand.
"What? No." He moved, revealing he was in shorts.
You peeked through your hand and laughed. "Is that what the cool kids are wearing these days? Leather jackets and bright blue shorts?"
He smirked. "Yup. I'm a cool kid now... Nah, I'm heading out with my roommates and a friend after this."
"Ah, okay. Well, I won't keep you then. It was good seeing you, Jungkookie. Don't be a stranger and call your mom and Yuna more, but I'll let you go."
He heard Yuna yelling in the background. "Tell him we love him."
"We love you, Jungkookie. We're so proud of you." You flashed a big smile and waved before hanging up on him.
"I love you too..." he trailed off as the screen went dark. It's been a while since he's seen you, and he soaked up every second he could. Your hair had grown out just a smidge, and there was a hint of blonde peeking from your hair, and he also noticed the new glasses adorning your pretty face.
He'd thought about texting you many times, wanting to see how you were doing, to catch up on life, wanted to know all the new shows you were working on, wanted to know all the gossip happening with the actors on set. But it would be weird for him to message you out of the blue, wouldn't it? He'd much rather talk to you than his sister. Yuna would just scold him for this and that, but you...well, you'd do the same, but you'd do it because you genuinely cared - and not out of obligation like his sister.
A knock at Jungkook's door interrupted his thoughts of you. He quickly stood to open it, and rushing in was Alex, immediately pushing him against the door, connecting her mouth to his. "God, I missed you so much," she whispered, kicking the door closed behind her, beginning to mark Jungkook's neck with purple bruises.
"Ale --aren't we meeting Tae and Jimin at the club?" Jungkook groaned when Alex palmed him through his blue shorts, stroking his growing erection.
She pulled away to look at him, shaking her head. "Told them we're gonna have a quiet night in and that they should go without us."
If Jungkook could describe Alex, she was a menace to society and more so to him. He had met her in his Public Speaking class, as she was the TA, then she began popping up everywhere, like in his Figure Drawing class, where she was the live model. She became interested in him when she realized his talent, especially drawing. She said she could help him excel by being his personal model. Of course, Jungkook being young and naïve, he fell for her tactics, and now here he was, probably about to fuck her senseless, just like how she liked it.
To be honest, it wasn't love. It was infatuation. Lust. Purely sex, nothing else. He never thought his first encounter with sex would be like this. He thought he'd be in love long before thinking about having sex. But it was a stupid, innocent dream.
"You want me to do what?" His doe eyes widened at her.
"I want you to fuck my throat," Alex explained again. Such an innocent mind that she was going to fuck up, she thought.
"But...why?"
Alex laughed. "Oh god, Jungkook. You don't want me to suck off that fat cock of yours?"
"No...I just...don't want to hurt you, that's all."
She smirked. "You're cute."
"Don't call me that," he pouted. He didn't want to be cute. He wanted to be taken seriously, and it seemed she still thought of him as a baby sometimes.
"But you are, and you won't hurt me."
"Are you sure?"
"Oh, come on..." She urged, starting to palm him again through his shorts. "You're already rock hard after just talking about you fucking my throat? You're so fucking adorable. I can't stand it." Alex grunted before pulling down his shorts, letting his cock spring out, and stroking it. Jungkook moaned in response. He wasn't sure if he could actually do what she wanted, but he was willing to try anything.
"Come on, big boy. Show me what you got," she stated, kneeling, facing the massive cock in front of her, then peering up at him through her lashes. "God, I love having you in my mouth so much," she said, gathering her saliva and spitting on his swollen cock. Her hand spread the saliva up and down his shaft, causing Jungkook's eyes to flutter shut and his cock to twitch in her hand. She loved seeing him writhe and squirm before her. Her favorite thing in this world was her sweet, innocent, naïve doe-eyed boy.
Alex swirled her tongue around his reddened tip, then laid her tongue flat underneath his length, slowly taking him in, inch by inch, along the prominent vein, causing him to hiss and curse under his breath. She tugged him closer, pushing him even further inside her mouth. Jungkook's head lolled against the wooden armoire, breathing heavily as Alex bobbed up and down.
Suddenly, Alex pulled away. "Come on, baby. I said fuck my throat," she smirked, resting from her previous position on her knees to tucking her feet underneath her ass. Her eyes gazed at the sweet boy in front of her.
All of this was still new to Jungkook. Again, he had been seeing Alex for the last four months, not dating. It was more just crazy, insane sex when they were together. He had an idea of what she liked, considering what she was asking him to do. So, he thought he should surprise her.
"You want me to fuck your throat?"
She nodded.
"Then beg," he deadpanned.
Alex cocked an eyebrow, thinking that she'd taught him so well. "Please, Kookie. I need that big fat cock to fucking ruin me ."
He grabbed the base of his erection, stroking and tugging while the tip leaked pre-cum. "You're such a slut for this cock, huh?" he had heard that line from watching porn.
Alex hummed, almost giggling at how confident he was becoming.
Jungkook gently stroked her rosy cheek, then tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear before his hand gripped the back of her head, pushing Alex toward his hardened length. "Open your mouth," he stated boldly.
She grinned as he asked, opening as wide as she could before Jungkook's hips rolled forward, bucking himself into her mouth. He pushed as far as he could a few times, making her gag, eyes glistening from the tears forming and slowly falling from the corner of her eyes. Her saliva began to run down her chin as Jungkook continued thrusting into her mouth, pushing against the back of her throat. He groaned loudly, chasing the climax building within, his knees starting to buckle, almost losing his composure.
Jungkook wouldn't be able to last any longer. It was too much for him to handle. "Wai...wait...where can I cum?" he asked, breathing heavily, trying to keep his composure.
Alex pulled off, amplifying a loud pop along with saliva when she did. "In my mouth, bunny. Where else?"
"Are...are you sure?" He was afraid that he wouldn't want to come anywhere else but her mouth if he did that.
She answered by putting his cock back in her mouth, rapidly bobbing up and down, digging her acrylics into the back of his thighs. She took his hands, making him grab her hair. He saw it as a sign that she wanted him to thrust harder into her, and he did so willingly. The pent-up tension brewing in the pit of his stomach finally found its sweet release. A few slips of curses and moans left his mouth as she milked everything he had in him.
"Fucking hell--"
Alex swallowed his cum, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "So...did you like that?" she asked, the corners of her lips curving into a smile.
Jungkook down at her, nodding shamefully. "I did...it felt dirty," he stated, helping her stand.
Alex laughed, finding him absolutely adorable. So young, so innocent. "Oh, bunny, you have no idea what I'm capable of."
The next couple of months continued like this, with Alex in control and Jungkook doing as she asked. He never once questioned her wants and needs, mostly because he liked having sex with her, and he didn't know if he'd ever get to have anyone like this ever again.
One thing that struck Jungkook was that he'd never been to Alex's place. They often had sex in his dorm or the most random places - his heart raced when they were in semi-public spots.
During the week of finals, Jungkook could be found in the library like many other students, but Alex had something else in mind. She discovered Jungkook diligently studying at a table with Jimin and Taehyung. She crept up behind him, snaking her arms around his neck, whispering something indistinct in his ear, causing him to turn his head. He excused himself from his friends, but Jimin and Taehyung weren't stupid - they knew their sex tells. So fucking obvious.
Alex dragged Jungkook past the history book section, opening the door to the broom closet and locking it as she shoved Jungkook in. She turned around with darkened eyes, watching him like he was her next meal. Walking over, her hands splayed against his toned chest, Alex shuddered, thinking about how far along Jungkook had come. From the innocent boy she started playing with for fun to the sexy young man she was teaching him to be.
Jungkook strayed towards her, his hands tangled in her hair, pulling her to him, connecting his mouth to hers. His kisses were usually slow and gentle, but not this time. They were hungry, impatient - tongue fiery and frantic. He hooked his arms under her thighs, lifting her up and causing a small yelp.
Alex loved when he was dominant, it took him a while to get to where they were, but it was all worth it, she thought. He laid her down on a table filled with cleaning supplies, but he didn't care. He pushed them aside. She propped herself up, waiting to see his next move.
Jungkook lifted one of her legs, pressing kisses along her ankle, shin and thigh, putting it down to do the same to the other. She grinned at him, teasing her. The wetness was already apparent when he pulled her lace panties aside, pussy aching for his touch. He inserted two fingers into her slit, then withdrew to spread her arousal on her folds, circling a few times before rubbing her clit, causing her to bite back a moan, which was a first. She wasn't one to be quiet during sex.
He dropped to his knees, adjusting the erection in his grey sweats. Alex slid off her panties, throwing them off to the side, ready and waiting for Jungkook. He hooked her thighs, pulling her closer to the edge, so he could have better access. Kissing her clit, then flicking his tongue short and quick. Her legs began to shake as he lapped between her folds for a few minutes, then lowered himself, darting his tongue into her entrance.
Alex writhed and squirmed underneath his touch. "Fuck, that mouth of yours is gonna kill me. I taught you so well," she moaned, looking down at the boy with darkened eyes who was huddled in between her legs.
Jungkook continued relishing in the pussy he grew to love so much within these last few months, one he would never get tired of. He stood on his feet, hovering over Alex, pushing up the sweater in between what he wanted. His mouth enveloped her nipple, gently biting as he pulled away, then kissing the top of her breasts while letting two fingers slip inside her pussy, causing lewd sounds to fill the small closet.
"I need you in me, bunny. Please," Alex whined before connecting her mouth to his, reaching to palm his hardened length, stroking him through his sweats. "God, I love your cock so much. Please, baby, fill me up like a good boy?"
He withdrew his fingers and stood, pulling down his sweats and boxers just enough to let his cock spring out. He grabbed the base of his shaft, slowly stroking himself. With darkened eyes, he told Alex to get down and turn around for him, which she willingly did. Jungkook lifted her skirt, plump ass on full display, his hand massaging one cheek while the other continued to jerk himself off, getting ready to stuff her.
Being with Alex was exciting because he never knew what she'd have up her sleeve, like today - fucking inside the library's broom closet. The thrill of being caught got Jungkook's blood pumping, primarily to his dick, but regardless, he loved it.
Jungkook placed himself at her entrance, spreading her slick with his tip. Alex mewled, pushing her ass towards him, urging him to hurry.
"I don't have a condom."
"I'm on the pill. Don't worry so much, bunny. Come on, cock in pussy. Now ."
He hesitated for a mere second before saying fuck it and pushing himself into her. "Shit --" Forgetting how much he loved going raw, even though he knew it was stupid to do so. He took a moment to calm himself, hands grasping tightly onto her hips, beginning to rut rapidly into her cunt, pounding repeatedly. "Fuck --you're so tight," he hissed. "Always so fucking tight for me."
Alex peered over her shoulder with a grin as she watched Jungkook's cock disappear into her. "You fuck like a cute little bunny. So eager," eliciting a moan while Jungkook thrusts harder and deeper into her.
Jungkook's eyes suddenly widened, quickly pausing. "Sorry..." Thinking he was too impatient with her.
She chuckled. "No, I like it. Keep going. You're doing so well," she praised the young man with big doe eyes.
He rolled his hips, fucking her as hard as he could, sweat beginning to form on his hairline and temples. Jungkook watched Alex's ass bounce vigorously as he continued pounding as hard as possible, making the table squeak beneath them.
"Bunny--just like that. Fuck--fuck--ah!" Alex cried, holding her hand out against the shelf in front of her to keep herself steady. "Shit -I'm gonna come."
Jungkook bit down on his lower lip, grasping tighter, imprinting his hands on her hips. Alex finally let a cry of pleasure, clenching and creaming around Jungkook's cock. He fucked her through her orgasm, and now in hopes of chasing his. It had been building for quite some time. He was nearly at the cusp. The muscles in his abdomen tightened, pooling with fire, ready to burst into flames.
Alex reached back to play with his balls, and that's what pushed Jungkook over the edge. The tension in his abdomen snapped, painting her walls with his cum. He grunted through the last few thrusts, emptying himself into her pussy. Jungkook panted, breathing heavily as he slumped over on top of Alex, kissing her back.
"You're gonna be the death of me."
As the school year ended, Jungkook barely made it through his final exams and projects. The one thing bothering him wasn't stressing over them, but it was something else.
" Bro --what the fuck are you doing?" Taehyung's eyes widened at the sight of Jungkook with his pants down. He and Jimin had just returned from dinner and found Jungkook in a compromising position in the bathroom.
"Dude-- get the fuck out! " Jungkook cried, trying to close the door but considering it was two versus one, his chances weren't looking good.
The two of them held the door open. "Are you checking out your balls?" Jimin laughed, falling over to Taehyung, trying to hold himself up. But they couldn't help but laugh at their young friend.
Jungkook groaned, slumping over while his pants were still down. "Ah--shit! It fucking hurts."
"Your balls hurt? Here, lemme see," Taehyung stated.
"Get the fuck away from my balls," Jungkook threatened his friend.
"Bro--just lemme see them."
Ten minutes later, Jungkook, Jimin, and Taehyung were sitting on Jungkook's bed, staring blankly outside their dorm room window. With the amount of sex, all three were having with different girls, minus Jungkook, only having sex with Alex, one of them was bound to get something. Stupid boys.
"Can't believe you got the fucking clap, bro," Taehyung said, shaking his head. "I knew she was gonna give you something."
"Shut up," Jungkook turned to Taehyung, shoving him on the bed. "Fuck, man," he groaned, throwing himself back.
"What are you gonna do?" Jimin asked. He was concerned for his friend, mainly because this was Jungkook's first sexual partner, and then to end up with an STD too. Poor kid, he thought.
"Gotta talk to Alex, I guess. What else am I supposed to do?"
"She's definitely fucking someone else besides you, Jungkookie. How else do you get an STD?" Taehyung's comment wasn't reassuring Jungkook at all. It was worrying him even more. "Unless..." Taehyung's head sprung up, glaring at Jungkook.
Jungkook sighed. "I'm not having sex with anyone else, only Alex." But fuck, Taehyung was right. How else could he have gotten it? Then he remembered something. "SHIT!"
"What?" Jimin and Taehyung asked.
"I went down on her too."
Jimin and Taehyung scooted away from him for fear of getting the clap.
"You guys are so stupid. You can't get the clap from me unless you're sucking my dick."
The two jokingly gagged. "Get away from us, Jungkookie!" Taehyung teased the young man.
Alex was a hard person to get a hold of when Jungkook needed something, and he clearly needed to get to the bottom of this. He asked everyone he could and finally got an answer from one of his classmates, saying they saw her head into one of his professor's offices.
When Jungkook arrived, he lightly knocked on the door, not hearing a response even though he could hear movement and sounds from the other side. With the door ajar, he peered in, discovering a scene he thought he'd never find in a million years.
"What in the actual fuck ?" Jungkook's jaw tensed, fist clenched as he caught Alex half-naked, straddling his professor.
Alex didn't look fazed at all. Instead, she grinned, "Wanna join?" She continued to rut against the man.
But Jungkook's professor looked mortified at the sight of him.
"You're fucking disgusting. Don't ever talk to me again."
"Bunny ..." she pouted, standing up, pulling down her dress, and chasing after him. "I'm sorry."
Jungkook scoffed. Her apology didn't sound genuine one bit. Did she have any guilt or remorse? Their professor was fucking married, for Christ's sake. He shook his head, thinking about how many months he's wasted on her.
She held onto his arm, but Jungkook quickly ripped it from under her. He was disgusted, didn't know what to do with himself, and needed to scrub every inch of his body to rid himself of her. Jungkook gave her the once-over with such loathing in his expression. "Bye, Alex." Then he glanced over at his professor, who was trying to hide his embarrassment in his hands, which was in no way going to help. "By the way, she's got the clap, and now, so do you."
Jungkook huffed, beating himself up along the way back to his dorm. He was so stupid. Stupid to think that Alex actually liked him, thought that maybe if he were good enough, she would want more with him, perhaps even be his girlfriend. But Jungkook was nothing more than a plaything to her. At this moment, he contemplated calling you, asking you for advice on what to do because you always knew what to say. But he also didn't want to tell you what he had been up to, how stupid he's been to have let his dick get the best of him.
He cried out when he arrived at his room, thinking his roommates were out. Jimin immediately popped up from his deep sleep. "What's going on? What happened?" Jimin asked with rest still heavy on his eyes.
"Fuck-man. Fucking Alex-I can't believe her."
"What? What did she do?" Jimin now sitting up, rubbing his eyes, trying to pay attention to his friend.
"She was fucking Professor X." They referred to him because he looked like James McAvoy from X-men.
Jimin gasped, mouth agape. "No way. How did you find out?"
"How else? She does what she does best. Fucking people in the most public places - in his office."
"Holy shit- -" Jimin said, standing to comfort his friend. "I'm sorry, man."
Jungkook shrugged. "It's no one's fault but my own."
Present Day
And he was right. It was no one's fault but his own.
He could've said no to Alex. He could've stepped away when she caged him against the wall. He could've made up an excuse to get out of karaoke. But once he saw her and was close to her again, it was like he was transported back into the body of the 18-year-old who was infatuated with her, longed for her, and ached for her touch. That was the kind of effect she had on him.
Jungkook didn't realize he had been driving for so long. He snapped out of it after hearing a few pings from his car, indicating new text messages. He tapped on the screen for the robotic voice to read it aloud:
Baby 💫 7:32 PM
Hey...haven't heard from you since this afternoon. Are you okay? Just wanna make sure your car didn't fall into a ditch.
Do you want to reply?
"Sorry, baby. I lost track of time, but I'm alive. I have a long drive back. Don't wait up. I'll sneak in a kiss when I get home. Love you."
Do you want to send it?
"Yes."
Baby 💫 7:35 PM
I don't mind waiting. See you soon.
It was nearly midnight when you decided to shut off your laptop finally. Your eyes were droopy and heavy-lidded from writing for the last few hours and waiting for your boyfriend, and you didn't anticipate him to be gone all day.
Setting your laptop on the side table, you shifted into a comfier position, pulling the fluffy duvet underneath your chin, asking Google Home to turn off the bedroom lamp. You suppose you'll just see Jungkook whenever he comes back.
A few hours had passed, and you were feeling restless. You were in the in-between stage of waking and falling asleep for the umpteenth time when you heard Jungkook shuffling in. "Hi," you mumbled, turning to face him and reaching to find his lips. "What time is it?"
"Almost two."
You groaned, shifting into a better position. "It's so late. I thought it would've been nice to spend some time together."
"I'm sorry, baby. I went to the gym, had brunch with Jin, and then went for a drive. I didn't realize how far I had driven before turning back around," Jungkook muttered against the shell of your ear, arm draped over your waist, pulling you flush against his chest.
Your eyes fluttered open, finding him shirtless, hair damp from a shower. This look was one of your favorites - him freshly out of the shower. You couldn't resist coaxing another kiss from him, which he freely gave, then you snaked your arm around his shoulders, pulling in and kissing him deeply. You could feel him trying to tear away from your kisses, and you pouted when he got his way.
He softly giggled at how affectionate you had suddenly become. Jungkook lay on his back, head buried into the soft pillow, letting out a soft yawn.
It wasn't long since Jungkook fucked you like a madman, but you always yearned for his touch. You inched closer to him, letting your hand wander to the bulge hidden underneath his boxer briefs, softly palming his length a few times, eliciting a moan from him.
Don't get him wrong. He really wanted you to touch him, but he felt ashamed. Guilty. He didn't feel worthy of you. Didn't deserve the pleasure you wanted to give him.
Jungkook gently gripped your wrist, pulling it away from his building erection. "I'm sorry, baby. You don't have to do that. I'm pretty wiped from today."
You cleared your throat. Is Jungkook denying a hand job? That was a first. "Is everything okay?" You noticed he was acting out of character. You knew something was bothering him, but you didn't want to push him to say anything until he was ready.
He pressed his lips on your forehead, pulling you in for a hug. "Yeah, I'm just tired. I had a long day, and I just want to cuddle, if that's okay."
"Yeah...of course. I missed you."
"Missed you too."
"I love you."
Jungkook bit into his bottom lip, which was quivering. "I love you so much," he whispered shakily, trying his best to hold back tears.
Once again, when you awoke the following day, Jungkook had already disappeared. The warmth from your bed is gone. Absent. Non-existent. Whatever was on Jungkook's mind must've been eating him from the inside out because you'd never seen him like this. Quiet. Unresponsive. Typically, it was the other way around. It was always more challenging for you to share your feelings, but Jungkook... always wore his heart on his sleeve.
But the soft clinking and sizzling from the kitchen gave you some reassurance, along with the aroma of espresso filling the air. Jungkook wasn't gone - just cooking. You were grateful to know he was still here and not dodging you like you were speculating - but again, it was just speculation. You were drawing your own conclusions without actually talking to him like grown adults should be doing.
Regardless, you pushed those thoughts aside because you were happy to have Jungkook around today. The two of you could have a lazy Sunday, and life had been too busy for the both of you, and it would be nice just to laze around and do nothing.
"Morning," you announced, entering the kitchen.
Jungkook had already had a full spread of breakfast goods when you approached the counter. He turned in your direction with a soft smile. "Morning, baby," he whispered, leaning down to kiss you, which you reciprocated willingly. His denial of a hand job from last night caused some bitterness because you'd been missing his touch, so this kiss would be enough for now. He returned to his position of flipping over the bacon once more to finish cooking them off.
To say that you were horny was an understatement. Jungkook fucking you like a madman the other night sparked something very primal in you. Snaking your arms around his waist, you made it a point to press your breasts against his back.
His nose scrunched, giggling at your obvious tell, peering over his shoulder at you. He asked, "Horny?"
"Very," you shamelessly admitted while kissing his back, one hand reaching towards the elastic on his grey sweats.
"You're going to make me burn the bacon," he smirked, turning off the stove to ensure he wouldn't burn all of his hard work.
"Then you could have me for breakfast instead."
Jungkook lightly chuckled. "Sounds very tempting."
You ran your hand past the elastic underneath his boxers towards his bulge, gently palming him. "I think I want sausage this morning," you hummed. Your joke was cheesy, but you couldn't help it. You'd been aching for him all day yesterday.
He set his chopsticks down, turning to face you. "Yeah?" he grinned. "Well, I won't stop you."
The lazy Sunday was perfect. The two of you cuddled and lazed around. Jungkook played games, and you scrolled through Netflix. Also, you were very satisfied with breakfast, especially the sausage. You made it a point to fuck him like a mad woman. It was only fair.
Towards the end of the night, while settling into bed, you noticed that Jungkook was still pretty quiet throughout the day, and whatever was on his mind was still gnawing at him.
You snuggled up to him when he climbed into bed, drawing imaginary shapes onto his chest. "Jungkook..."
"Yeah?"
"Did I do something wrong?"
Immediately, he looked at you, pulling your chin towards him. "Why would you think that?"
"I don't know. You just seem distant these past couple of days."
Was he that obvious, he thought. Shit. He was awful at hiding his feelings. Not that he should, because you deserved to know the truth. He knew that the more he put it off, the more it destroyed him.
"There's a lot on my mind, and I'll tell you soon. I promise," he stated, softly caressing your cheek.
Could you have been the annoying girlfriend and tried to get it out of him? Probably yes - but you weren't one to talk because you also had things you needed to tell him - about your miscarriage and your mother.
Peering up at him, you could see his eyes glisten, so whatever was on his mind, you figured it was serious. You croaked out a ‘kay’ before kissing his chest, your hand laying across his stomach, clutching him closely. You just hoped that whatever it was, you'd be able to weather through it together.
✨ next ~ a blast from the past: part three
#jungkook fanfic#jungkook fic#jungkook smut#jungkook drama#jungkook romance#jungkook angst#jungkook noona#jungkook x reader#jungkook x you#jungkook x y/n#bts fanfic#bts fic#bts smut#fic: this is us
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Thank you for posting so authentically and tbh poetically about your transition. I was wondering if you have any gems of wisdom to share about your total hysto.. I was born with a malformed uterus (it is bicornuate) I've always had problems from it and I just want it gone. How was the process? And healing? How has the removal affected you in the years after? I appreciate you bro.
Heya, first off, sorry for taking so long to reply, and thank you! It’s been really rewarding to get to share my experience with others, answer questions, and hopefully dispel some myths. Bottom surgeries for trans men & trans mascs are too often maligned or erased and I’m grateful for the opportunity to fight against that with facts and experience.
The process was kind of funny. The admission and all such were your typical surgery stuff. They kept me overnight in the hospital pumping me full of saline with two jolly nurses watching over me. More or less every hour I woke up needing to piss like a racehorse, and the nurses would gently make fun of my woozy attempts to get up in these marvelous Georgia accents while helping me do so and disconnecting me from the drip, and I’d shuffle off to pee like half a liter (like…literally). This pattern continued until I was able to pass a certain threshold of how much I peed at one time. The purpose of this was to make sure my bladder was working correctly. After that, they let me sleep a bit and then I was released.
Before the surgery I had asked my surgeon if I could see the parts she was taking out, so she took photos for me of my insides during surgery and the whole kit & caboodle after it was removed, and printed them out on nice glossy paper for me. I was frankly astounded by how tiny the uterus actually is. Diagrams make it look like it’s the size of both hands put together or something but it would have easily fit in the palm of one! Also my liver is kinda cute. I still want to frame those photos.
I went home and mostly slept in a recliner a lot for the first couple of weeks. I wore sweatpants and kept an ice buddy (a penguin full of rice my friends got me) on my belly much of the time. I am pretty good at staying ahead of the pain with my meds without taking it more frequently than is safe, so I was only really a little sore and very, very sleepy. Bathing was a matter of wet wipes and dry shampoo for a while. I think I was off work for somewhere between four and eight weeks, and once I was past the first two or so, I spent a lot of time still in the recliner with the ice buddy, but this time binge-watching Critical Role and playing Stardew Valley. My cats stayed as close to me as they could the whole time. I think 4 weeks after the fact I was more or less fine.
Shortly after my spay, I started having hot flashes: since mine was a total hysterectomy (they removed the uterus, both ovaries—which, sure enough, turned out to be absolutely riddled with cysts—and the cervix), my estrogen level went from low to fuck-all, so I basically went through Menopause Lite. The hot flashes weren’t miserable. They were just stretches of time when I looked around and went “Is it just me or is it hot in here all of a sudden? Is the A/C on?” and it was, in fact, just me. Those came and went for maybe 3 months.
(A note for cis women and for trans/nb guys who aren’t on T: I attribute the mildness of my menopause symptoms to the fact that PCOS and HRT were already suppressing my estrogen production. If you have “normal” estrogen levels, there is a non-zero chance that yours will be worse. Ask your doctor for more info about this. If you don’t have your ovaries removed, you won’t go through this in the first place.)
Obviously I am now forever free of the misery of menstruation and the unacceptable risk of becoming pregnant. Both of those things are extremely awesome and I love them forever. Being sterile fucking rules! I’ve wanted this since I was 6 years old and no one can ever take it away from me! \:D/
This last section is about peeing so it goes under a cut!
The one and only downside is that I need to pee, like, all the time. Granted, the fact that I drink about a gallon of water every day does have a lot to do with that. But I’ve found that the sensation of needing to piss urgently comes a lot sooner than it used to. On a normal day, with me sitting here guzzling sweet, unchlorinated, high-quality well water all the time, I have to hit the head every 1-2 hours. If I stop drinking liquids about an hour or two before a road trip I can make a 3-hour drive without needing a pit stop. I asked my mom and a friend, both of whom have also had hysterectomies, if they go through this too, and they confirmed that yeah they do need to pee a lot more frequently than before the surgery. Just, y’know, not as often as I do because they’re not drinking 3-5 L of water daily.
The upside to THAT, actually, is if I need to wake up early, I can just drink a glass of water before going to sleep and I am guaranteed an early wake-up. I am an extremely deep sleeper, much to my own detriment—except where my bladder is concerned.
An odd little thing I’ve found, since my uterus is no longer helping to control where my bladder sits in my torso, is that how I urinate is a little different. Before, it was just the normal muscle movements I’d been doing all my life. Now, I find that urine comes in “waves”: it starts out normal, but then—it’s hard to explain, but I use a slightly different sort of muscle movement, a Kegel type thing, to…it feels like repositioning my bladder a little(???), and then I can feel the rest of the urine pouring down to my ureter, and then it’s normal pissing again. I mean…I’m just guessing at what’s actually going on in there based on what I can feel happening, so I could be off, who knows. It’s a little strange, but it’s not at all painful or anything, it’s just a neutral thing.
I very strongly recommend starting Kegel exercises as soon as you can if you plan on getting a hysterectomy, if you’re not doing them already. These can go a long way to making sure you don’t have problems with incontinence afterward. They were a standard part of my daily life for quite a few years leading up to my spay and so far so good.
#ftm#hysterectomy#bottom surgery#transgender#though tbh most of this is perfectly valid for cis women too!#queerdom#trans matters#replies to things
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[Treebark week] Day 7 - Past
[Martyn] Statement of Ren Diggity Dog and Martyn InTheLittleWood, regarding their shared domain. Statement taken directly from subjects erm- it was July 22nd, 2022 before the world went to hell. Audio recording by former Archivist, Martyn.
(Takes place after day 5 but before day 6)
Word count: 2022
[Click]
(Barking from a small dog)
[Ren] What is it, Obi?
(Pause)
Uhh... Martyn! Martyn, there's a problem!
[Martyn] (Distant) What? What's wrong?
(Footsteps)
[Ren] Would you rather I tell you or drop it in your hands?
[Martyn] If it's anything like the last thing you put in my hands, no thanks. Not a huge fan of fangs in my cookies Ren Dog.
[Ren] (Laughter) Dude, I couldn't see them! Sunglasses, remember?
[Martyn] Don't lie to me, Ren. You knew exactly what you were doing.
[Ren] No matter, you're getting distracted! Here, just- just listen.
(Silence filled by the gentle sound of a tape recorder turning)
(There's static for only a moment)
[Martyn] Is that...
[Ren] Yeah...
[Martyn] I hate these things...
[Ren] Should we give it a statement?
[Martyn] Oh man, it's been a while since I've done that. I don't know Ren...
[Ren] Maybe it'll help. Especially since you can't give me nightmares about it anymore. The recorder wouldn't be here if it wasn't important, right?
[Martyn] I guess so... I don't think my connection to The Eye is strong enough to compel so if you start to ramble like you always do, it's not my fault.
[Ren] (Laughter) That's fine, dude. Now say your archivist words.
[Martyn] Oh geez, you're really putting me on the spot- alright.
Statement of Ren Diggity Dog and Martyn InTheLittleWood, regarding their shared domain. Statement taken directly from subjects erm- it was July 22nd, 2022 before the world went to hell. Audio recording by former Archivist, Martyn.
[Ren] Shall I start?
[Martyn] If you want.
[Ren(Statement)]
When I woke up the day everything changed, I couldn't see anything.
At first, I thought you were just doing something in the other room so I wasn't scared. I never am. Whatever you do with The Dark is not really my business. So I just ignored it, and tried to go back to sleep. I heard creeks in the floor and distant screaming in the hall but that was pretty normal for your rituals. Nothing I hadn't slept through before.
I did find it strange that it was happening in what would have been early morning. You would think for an entity called "The Dark" I expected to only see you do that stuff in the dead of midnight. But I wasn't going to question it. Not when your circumstance was so... unique.
I hadn't realized something was wrong until I started to get this strange sense crawling up the back of my neck. A familiar shiver. It was the same feeling I used to get when you were head archivist. When you would listen to every detail, observing.
It shocked me to my very core, pulling me out of my bed to look for answers. Something was very wrong and I wasn't just going to sit there and let it happen. On the way through the hall, I tripped on pretty much everything in our apartment. It's really annoying how much junk you leave on the floor, y'know? Despite the mess, I found your room eventually.
I don't know how to explain it, but your room felt darker somehow. The entire place was engulfed in a pitch black but your room... it wasn't just blocking out the light. Your room was absorbing and extinguishing it.
I called your name into the empty room but you weren't there.
In that moment, I was hoping that if I couldn't find you, I could at least find whatever was making me feel like your ghost was haunting me. Because I knew it was you. Or at least related to you? The bizarre mix of darkness and watching was just too similar to be anything else. So I started looking through your things.
And for the record, Martyn has the messiest room I've ever had the displeasure of searching through. Even if there was something I could have found in there, I don't think I could have in the void we like to call Martyn's room. I tripped on discarded laundry, ritual junk he just refuses to put away, and a ton of anime books he can't even read anymore!
[Martyn] First of all, it's called manga.
[Ren] Whatever it is, you need to clean it off your floor!
[Martyn] And for the record, I bought them before I lost my eyesight so I don't see the issue. Pun intended.
[Ren] For the record, I'm rolling my eyes.
[Martyn] For the record, you're getting off-topic. You can complain about my organizational skills once The Eye- or whoever is sending these tapes- is satisfied with our statement.
[Ren] Well, if I must continue I'll do it... for the record.
[Martyn] (Laugh) Get on with it.
[Ren] (Laugh) Alright, Someone’s impatient.
I didn't find anything. But the longer I searched, the terror itching under my skin started to grow stronger. At some point, I stopped looking for whatever was causing the darkness and instead started looking for you. Or well, any sign to tell me where you went. Or that you were still alive. It took a while, but I found a single piece of long fabric I immediately recognized as your bandana.
Now, I know you hate it when I use my abilities to track you down. Something about really hating feeling like prey. But in my defence, I hate being left in the dark and I was really starting to panic. You never go out without your bandana. So I thought it might have been a cry for help. Something you left behind for me to find and use to hunt you down.
In some cases, I'm glad you left it. Though, in the moment, I was pretty peeved I had to find my way out of our apartment completely blind.
[Martyn] Oh no, how tragic for you.
[Ren] I’m choosing to Ignore Martyn's sarcasm.
The darkness stretched out into the complex hallways and stairways. I swear if I closed my eyes, nothing would change. It was all black anyway. Keeping a hand on the wall and walking slowly helped keep me on a steady and calm path. Yet, I felt something sink into the pit of my stomach when I reached the stairs. The anxiety of falling down with no one around to hear was creeping into my mind. But it was nothing compared to the ever-growing terror of losing someone special to me. So I pressed on.
[Martyn] Aww, Ren, that's really sweet of you to say to me.
[Ren] I was talking about Obi, dude.
[Martyn] I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
[Ren] Your thing is literally listening!
[Martyn] Do you hear that Obi? I think it's the sound of a huge liar.
[Ren] Said the biggest liar on the planet.
[Martyn] How dare you-
[Ren] How dare you interrupt my statement, again.
[Martyn] For your information, it's actually our statement. Not just yours.
[Ren] Then why don't you tell the friendly tape where you'd been when the freaking apocalypse started, hm? I'm sure you'd love that.
[Martyn] Actually- it's okay, please continue.
[Ren] Thank you.
Climbing down the stairs was rather stressful but otherwise simple and easy. I was worried for a moment that they might go forever. That I had been the unlucky guy to get stuck with at least 3 entities messing with him at once.
But I could feel The Hunt dragging me closer to the mark. The target's scent danced in the air and I felt their fear along with it. At that point, I had forgotten who the target was and just found myself getting lost in the adrenaline of another hunt. Something more familiar to drag me out of the dark.
A foolish part of me expected it to be brighter once I stepped outside. I wanted to feel the sun on my face and in my fur. But when I desperately busted out of the apartment complex, all I felt was the taste of something rotten in the air slowly getting closer and choking itself in my lungs. The sound of a howling wind without an actual breeze to accompany it.
When I stared up into the sky, it stared back.
But I found you. In the middle of the street, staring straight into the pupil of it. You were trapped in some sort of trance, speaking into the sky as if the eye was listening to you. You just kept talking. Words about misery and destruction spilling out of your mouth, unending.
When you stopped, you silently slipped a pair of sunglasses onto my face and everything returned to normal. At least, it looked normal. I had trouble adjusting to the light of the sun at first. But our street looked the same as it always had. The sky was actually quite beautiful.
You said something about everything being okay before taking me back to our apartment.
I still don't... I still don't understand what happened. Or what is happening. I still feel like I'm being watched. A shiver constantly on the back of my neck. I've just been... trying to ignore it.
(Static)
[Martyn(Statement)]
The Archivist calls it The Age of the Beholding. I call it The End of All.
An entire change to reality itself along with all who inhabit it and brings nothing but inevitable destruction. A playground and slaughterhouse for those we can not comprehend. Listen close to the howls of agony on the breeze and helplessly behold as people crawl and scrape and dig for an ounce of freedom.
But of course, you can't see it, can you?
There's no need to survive here as whatever watches over our suffering ensures we don't die. Not really. Some may find themselves lucky, placed within a domain where it comes to an end, as all things do. But not us. We, among most others, will be kept alive to be feasted on within our domains. Our fear fuelling their ever-expanding hunger.
But what's there to be afraid of? I have you and you have me. There's laughter and joy within our walls so there's no need to look beyond the curtains. It's safe here, of course.
I moved hell and Earth to protect my partner. A pair of sunglasses keeping him blissfully ignorant of the world outside. Unaware our gardens are made of blood and bone. Our home is shrouded in the black of night today but I keep it at bay. He'll never know what crawls under our floorboards and in our walls.
But he knows I'm hiding something from him.
"It's better this way," I say.
Neither of us can see the amalgamation of our abilities stalking the halls. A monster of our own creation, our predator. The shadowy hulk hunting the both of us but in turn can't see us either. But I know you hear it too. It snarls and growls deep in what we pretend is night. Feel it breathing heavily down on the back of your head.
Yet we ignore it. Keep your eyes closed and discard them. I couldn't stop the apocalypse so pay it no mind. I can't fix the world so let me keep the one we made.
This is what comfort feels like, right? Or perhaps it's just been long since either of us has felt a sense of true Solace. The fear of losing what we've made, of losing each other, is ever-present. Preventing us from ever feeling truly at ease. It's only a matter of time.
After all, this is our domain. We are both the creators and it's only prisoners.
(Static fades)
[Ren] Martyn? You there my dude?
[Martyn] I'm... I'm sorry, what happened?
[Ren] What happened is you scared the living heck out of me!
[Martyn] Oh geez, did I space out again?
[Ren] Yes! Started talking non-stop and I couldn't pull you out of it.
[Martyn] I'm sorry man, if I could stop it, I would.
(pause)
You still can't hear a word I'm saying when I do that, right?
[Ren] Not a word. It's incredibly creepy, dude.
[Martyn] That's good. It's better this way.
[Click]
#treebark#treebarkweek#adventreebark#adventreebark2022#the au is meant to be /p but could be /r if you wanted#cherri.writes#decided I wanted to do one more TMA AU piece for this event :)#I've never posted a fic before so I hope you guys like this one
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Enjoy this beautiful letter from Fiona Apple explaining to her fans why she must postpone a concert date.
It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I'm writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.
Here's the thing.
I have a dog, Janet, and she's been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.
She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.
She was the one the dogfighters used to puff up the confidence of the contenders.
She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight, bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.
Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We've lived in numerous houses and joined a few makeshift families, but it's always really been just the two of us.
She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.
She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.
The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.
She has Addison's Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools that keep most of us from literally panicking to death.
Despite all this, she's effortlessly joyful & playful and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, my mother, my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.
I can't come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.
She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.
I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.
But I know she is coming close to the time when she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.
I just can't leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.
Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.
But this decision is instant.
These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.
I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable & comforted & safe & important.
Many of us these days, dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life that keeps us feeling terrified & alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time. I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, of her life, and of my love for her, in the last moments.
I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.
Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.
When she dies.
So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I'm asking for your blessing.
I'll be seeing you.
Love,
Fiona
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anyway hai everyone I have rly been struggling lately with just..everything. I am hoping 2024 will be kinder to me..... Like 2023 wasn't bad but my health has been slowly getting worse and I have no idea why, so I'm hoping to start finding some answers next year
I wanted to start doing some of that this year but money was always extremely tight, but i just got a slight raise and am getting another 50¢ in January (+ I think the custodial union where I work is gonna try to fight for an additional $3+/hour for the contract in June?) so I'm hoping my finances stabilize so I can focus on doctor's appts n the like ... My insurance is pretty good but doesn't cover everything which is why I want to do it when the year rolls over so it'll all count toward my out of pocket max n all that shit
but yeah I'm tired of spending my weekend sleeping 12 hours a day, I'm tired of the brain fog and unstable moods I've been having. My sensory issues are worse than ever, I've developed migraines (tho knock on wood I haven't had one in a couple months) and I genuinely don't know if it's a long COVID thing or a weird sleep debt thing (unlikely since I slept less when I worked at the post office and it was never even close to this bad)
anyway sry for venting I'm just like. Exhausted and lost and this stuff has gotten worse in the past 6 or so months esp and has impacted my work, school work, commissions, social life, and hobbies and it's upsetting & not having a diagnosis means I dunno what to fix nor do I have any way to protect my job/grades... :-(
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1 Week of THCA with Huntington's Disease
So I've been a stoner for a long time, but primarily was smoking marijuana which is illegal here, luckily with more recent advancements with cannabis and legislature we have options here that are now just as effective. I was curious what would happen if I switched to pure THCA bud because the reason I smoke and have been smoking marijuana on and off since I was 8 was because at the time my dad said it would help with my ADHD (it did as well as my depression although I REALLY don't recommend giving it to an 8 year old lol, my dad was not exactly a "think things through" type of person though).
Over the years the constant fear that I'd get busted and sent to the pen for a completely non-violent "crime" really was hard on my mental health, and even though cannabis provided me with tremendous benefits, it was hard for me to enjoy the benefits with all the fear and anxiety from the possibility of getting locked up like a lot of my friends.
When CBD and Delta 8 got so big, I did experiment with Delta 8 but I felt like even though there was a benefit it wasn't quite "hitting the spot" where I needed to be to stop my tremors which have been getting worse from my neurodegenerative disease, I used it quite a bit at night to put me to sleep (especially edibles), and it did help more than not taking any form of THC but, I definitely needed something else.
I didn't want to take the reeeeeally synthetic forms of THC that they came out with just because I had experiences with K2 with my dad and was weary about anything blatantly synthetic (mainly because I can't know if there's going to be side-effects eventually), so I just stuck with Delta 8 even though it's a concentrate / isolate and you really have to check that the companies test them to make sure the solvents are gone.
I stumbled across THCA bud in the local headshop before it closed down recently, but it was 35$ for 7 grams so I figured I could find a better selection for cheaper online like I do with my kratom. I came across a distributor called JKDistro, and they have 1oz smalls for 50$ sometimes, best investment I ever made. Now I'm smoking in the morning and then some at night to wind down and within 1 week I've seen drastic improvements in basically every aspect of my life.
I'm not joking, it's as good as OG cannabis but now the fact I'm not always fearing the cops makes it so much easier to enjoy it. I like that I can go out on my porch and spark up a joint too since JK sends me a card to carry each time I get some bud from them so if I got stopped cops would know it's legal. Cops don't really care here anymore so much because of progress in legislation but it really helps me feel better.
Some of the biggest benefits I noticed from dosing in the morning and at night:
Sleep Quality
For people with Early Onset Dementia from diseases like mine, our brains can't shut down and typically we have a hard time going to sleep and staying asleep. I got to where I was only getting about 1-3 hours of sleep a night if at all before I started dosing like I am now. The first few days I literally slept (3 days nearly straight) and it was really nice because I know my body desperately needed the rest to heal. Now I'm sleeping 6-8 hours a night and that's literally amazing because I'm waking up feeling way better. A bit groggy sometimes if I smoke a bit too much or take too much cannabutter but, overall much better than I was feeling before.
Anxiety
Crazy enough I have an interview on Wednesday for a job in sales, funny thing is I HATE talking to people, especially on the phone. Once I started the THCA regimen I've gotten so much more talkative, relaxed, and social than I was. I am diagnosed with ASD, and the main way mine significantly limits me is communication and being anxious around strangers. It's amazing that I was able to get an interview and now I'm about to go back into the workforce for the first time in 12 years.
Depression
I have a big issue with getting really depressed (which apparently is very common among Alzheimer's and HD patients). Since I've been on the regimen, I've been a lot happier, more relaxed, less irritable. It's been really nice and I've felt myself smile a lot more. I know I'm a lot more pleasant to be around and I've not been near as emotional as usual.
Anger / Emotional Regulation
Once again, I have a real issue with emotional regulation. I think a lot of that goes back to ASD but then the HD doesn't help at all. I've been a lot more chill and more pleasant to be around. Not as irritable / fussy, and able to interact with people more patiently. I get frustrated usually pretty easily but I've been able to be more chill than usual which is nice. I'm also not "all over the place" as much, my mood swings are a lot better.
Pain / Inflammation / Soreness
I have a lot of issues with inflammation. On every test I get (blood test) it always shows my inflammation levels to be very high due to my body being full of a toxic protein called Huntingtin. This also causes pain in my joints sometimes and because my muscles are slowly deteriorating some they are sore a lot and I have to constantly work them out a lot to not lose muscle. I'm not in near as much pain as I was before I started up the THCA, which is huge because it's been freezing here and usually I can't get out of bed when it's this cold. My muscles aren't near as sore and I'm not near as stiff either.
Overall I feel like the THCA is doing me a lot of good, I'm excited to see where I am in a month or even a year. I have found it very useful for me. If y'all want to check out JKDistro and see if you can find something you like that would help you, you can use my link and get 20% off your purchase. They have great deals, and VERY good quality stuff. I literally swear by them, and I've been smoking for a VERY long time. You can click here and it'll take you with the link for a discount!
I hope it helps you like it helped me!
#cannabis#cannacommunity#weed community#weedlife#weed culture#medical cannabis#cannalife#cannablr#cannabis community#ganja#thca#thca flower#medical conditions#huntingtonsdisease
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A/N: Here’s my first smut from Wattpad. It might not be the best but it’s the first one I’ve ever written. Without further ado.
Damn Wings.//Bakugo x Fem! Pro hero! Reader
Warnings: smut, unprotected sex, feminine pet names, slight angst(like very, very light.), cream pie, fem receiving oral
New to this so let me know if I missed something.
Requested: No. but requests are open if you wanna see this with a different character or something completely different.
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My quirk is called werewolf. Basically I can have any ability or physical feature of an animal. When I don't have my quirk activated I have wolf like features and my strength and speed are amplified. That's just my main quirk. I have others, but I don't feel like explaining them.
I'm a new hero, I climbed the ranks like it's nothing. Last week I surpassed both of my adoptive dads. But due to a accident back in UA I could no longer deactivate my wings. Ever since the accident I've just gotten used to them.
Not even Katsuki, Izuku, or even Shoto are climbing the ranks as fast as I am. It might be because I remind people of hawks. But that is an inaccurate comparison because we are pretty much complete opposites, and my wings are about 5 times as big.
One day as I was on patrol with pro heroes Red Riot and Ground Zero, Kirishima and Katsuki, we saw that the governments of the world were implementing a soulmate system into our world. Apparently everyone was supposed to get a pair of wings that only them and their soulmate could see, and the bigger the wings, the more trauma the person has. This theory was originally tested on people with wings and proven right. The more trauma the quirk wielder has, the bigger their wings are. But according to the soulmate thing, how big your wings are is how much trauma you actually have. Although it is proven that trauma makes wings bigger, they don't let on to exactly how much. The news ended with them saying that tomorrow morning everyone in Japan will wake up with wings.
We spent the rest of our patrol talking about the changes. The pros and cons, what we think our wings would look like, who we hope our soulmates are. I said I honestly don't care who my soulmate is, as long as they're my soulmate I'm fine with it. Which is true, but I really hope it is one person. Katsuki Bakugo.
I realized I had fallen for him back in our first year of high school. Ever since then I've been hiding my feelings, hoping and praying, to any god out there, that he'd end up with me eventually. Ever since we've graduated he's been in and out of relationships, gone through girls like toilet paper, and one night stands were very common to catch him coming from. I hate it when he gloats about a new girlfriend, or breaking another girl's heart, or the last girl he slept with. I hated it so much I always excused myself to go to the bathroom, work out in the gym Fat Gum had in his agency, or go on a different route than them just to go and find a poor villain to take my anger out on. It hurt so much he chose those girls over me. But I faked not being hurt like a pro. It came naturally at this point due to how much I held in and hid.
After we clocked out for the night we waved goodbye and went home. That night I was extremely tired so I went to bed early and as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out.
I woke up in my king-sized bed. I groaned and stretched, I felt every part of my body tensed up and stretched out against the large fluffy mattress. My alarm is blaring in my ears. I relaxed completely and then sat up. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and skooched over to the side of the bed and turned off my alarm. I look at it, 6:00 A.M. I have the day off. I get up, my wings feel heavier than normal, I walk over to my closet and pick out an outfit for the day. I take out a Ground Zero shirt, ripped black jeans, ankle socks, Deku high tops, and a Red Riot hoodie. I then grabbed a regular black chocker, a necklace with a handmade explosion charm, some rings, fishnet gloves, and some belt chains.
I went into the master bathroom and set my clothes on the toilet seat and turned to the shower. I reached for the the knobs and turned the water to what I thought was a good temperature. I used my quirk to turn my wings into armadillo plates so I could get my Ground Zero hoodie off with ease. Once I got my hoodie off I deactivated my quirk and the unusual weight in my shoulders was back. I looked in the mirror and my wings were three times the size they were yesterday. They also had f/c patterns all over them.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?" I screamed. I put my Ground zero hoodie back on and turned the shower off. I ran out of my room right when Izuku and Shoto came inside. "Do my wings look different?" I yelled from the landing of the lavish staircase.
"No, why?" Izuku said, confused as to what was happening.
"Am I going crazy then?" I asked, knowing full well that I looked like a lunatic right now.
"No, it's the whole soulmate wing thing they announced yesterday." Shoto shot down the idea that I was crazy.
I remembered then, about the main topic of conversation yesterday on patrol. "Oh. I'm an idiot. I'm gonna go take a shower."
"Ok, have a nice shower! We'll be on the living room couch!" Izuku informed me.
I took a shower and got dressed. When I walked into the living room Izuku and Shoto were cuddling on the couch watching the news.
"So y'all gonna break up when you find your soulmates or what? I asked them.
"No need. We already found our soulmates, long before the soulmate thing happened. We're each other's soulmate." Izuku replied.
"Oh, okay. That's actually really lucky." I remark. "Let's watch the news." My heart leaped with excitement when there was breaking news about a villain attack and Ground Zero and Red Riot were the ones taking care of it. When the screen showed footage of the ongoing battle my heart skipped a beat. There they were. Black and orange wings that mimicked the back of their owners mask. They were a normal size of wings. I hadn't even begun to process the fact that I could see them, I just took in what they looked like. Once I had memorized every little detail about them, it sunk in, I COULD SEE THEM! I jumped up in joy and squealed like a little kid.
"What?" Izuku asked.
"I can see Katsuki's wings!" I'm pretty sure I squealed right after saying it.
"The odds." Izuku watched me dance around in victory at getting who I had hoped I would as a soulmate. Maybe there is a god.
"Should I go see him on lunch break? Or wait to tell him tomorrow?" I was trying to think about what I would do to tell him.
"I vote the lunch break option." Izuku chimed in.
"Me too." Shoto helped.
"Okay. Lunch break it is." I decided finally.
We went into the kitchen and grabbed some breakfast. After I ate I decided to make some katsudon for Katsuki. After I finished making the katsudon I just waited for the time to leave for the agency. I am not taking any chances of him seeing me before I get to the agency. The minutes tick by and when it's time I get up and heat up the katsudon. I wrapped the katsudon up in a Ground Zero themed cloth.
I walked out the front door and took flight. I held the food close to my chest as I flew towards the Fat Gum agency. My goggles kept the wind from bothering my eyes as I flew. I landed right when Katsuki goes on lunch break. I took off my goggles and walked through the door, shoving them in my pocket.
There he was. Standing in the middle of the agency talking to his redheaded best friend. I felt the confidence I had start to drain and I had second thoughts. My heart began to race, my whole body tensed up. 'What if he wants one of those girls more than me? What if he just got a new quirk? What if he doesn't like me?' My mind was going a mile a minute thinking every terrible thing would happen. I shook the thoughts away, took a few deep breaths, and continued on. With every step my heart beat faster, my body shook more violently and uncontrollable the closer I got to him. Eijiro spotted me and waved me over. Katsuki looked over and his eyes widened. He walked towards me and I slowly but surely lost my nerve. He came close enough for me to hand him the food I made and I held it out to him and bowed my head, I felt tears sting my eyes. Katsuki took the food from me and I lowered my arms and stuffed my hands in my pockets. Then something unexpected happened, he pulled me into his chest. My eyes widened and my hands moved from my pockets to around his abdomen. My grip around him tightened and my wings enclosed around him. He kissed the top of my head and lead me over to a table where he had me sit down and he sat down right next me. He took the katsudon and unwrapped it. He smiled a soft, gentle smile and looked at me.
"Katsudon, my favorite. Thank you." He took out the chop sticks I packed and tore into the meal. "You gonna grab something to eat or just watch me eat my food?"
I really didn't want to be away from him right now, but I was hungry so I got up and grabbed from the buffet of food then sat back down next to Katsuki, but out of habit and not knowing what his stance was I sat as far as I could from him without sitting on the other side of the table.
"Oh please. I don't bite, too hard." He said rolling his eyes and giving me a smirk, I blushed at his words. "And plus sweetheart, you don't have to pretend there isn't anything more than friendship anymore. Sit as close as you want, on my lap for all I care. I just don't want to be far from you anymore. We don't have the be constantly hanging on each other, I just want you close." He looks longingly at me, putting his arm on the back of my chair, right under the arch of my wings over the top of the chair. I scooched closer to him and feel comfort in the closeness. I eat my food and Katsuki eats his. When we finish eating Katsuki said he was actually covering for another hero until he got in and the hero walked in right when we finished eating. We wave goodbye to Fat Gum and went home.
About half an hour after I got home my doorbell was rung. Confused, I walked over to the door figuring it was just Izuku or Shoto that had forgotten something and came back to get it.
"What'd you forget this time-" I started but stopped realizing that the person standing there was none other than Katsuki Bakugo. I was speechless. HE was at MY house, not some other girl's house, MY house. His wings were puffed up and his hands were stuffed in his pockets. "Oh hey Katsu, what's up?" I asked the ash blonde.
"Can I come in? We need to talk about our relationship. Please." He looked at me with hungry eyes.
"Sure, come on in." I opened the door more to let him in. After he was inside I shut the door. "What would you like to say?" I turned to him.
"Y/N, I want you, only you. Those other girls were just placeholders, things I tried to fill the hole in my heart with. But every time I saw you, they didn't matter. When I gloated sometimes your smile would falter for an instant, just one, and then it'd be back. It hurt knowing that I was the reason it faltered. I don't ever wanna be the reason it falters again. I wanna be the reason it appears. I don't want them, I want you. I want to wake up to you every morning. I want to kiss your lips. I want to hold you at night, do everything with you. I want to get married, start a family, retire, with YOU. They are nothing compared to you." He holds my face in his calloused hands. "You are my EVERYTHING Y/N, my whole WORLD. I was so happy when I saw your wings because I was hoping you were my soulmate. You are the only person I think about constantly. I wake up every morning and go to work to see YOU, protect YOU, impress YOU. I don't want anyone but you." He looked at me with sincerity and regret.
"Katsuki. You don't know how much I've longed to hear you say those words." I put my hands on his chest. I hadn't even realized that tears were spilling from my eyes until Katsuki wiped them from my cheeks.
"Don't cry sweetheart. I didn't mean to upset you." He speaks softly, rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs. His eyes search mine for any sign that I want him to stop as he leans in. But I just lean in in response. When our lips meet I'm surprised at how soft his lips are. My lids flutter shut and I sigh into the kiss. He nips at my bottom lip asking for entrance. I give in to his request, letting his tongue slip past my lips and explore my mouth. He fought for dominance and immediately got it. I slipped my arms around his neck and pushed myself closer to him. His hands slid down my neck and back and rested on my waist. He pulled me into him as the kiss started to get less wholesome and more heated. He gripped my hips, I tangled my fingers in his hair and gripped his black tank top. He started growling and the sensation and sound made me moan into his mouth. When we finally pulled away for air a string of saliva connected our mouths still. My eyes fluttered open and Katsuki's where lidded, hungry for more.
"Maybe we should continue this where we'll be more comfortable. Or, more precisely, I will be more comfortable. It's been a long time since my first, and there hasn't been anytime in between it and now." I suggested.
Katsuki smiled, no, smirked. "Sure thing princess. Been dying to know what your room looked like on the inside." He picked me up by my thighs and I wrapped them around his waist, and fuck was he hard. He trapped me in another heated kiss before gripping my ass and walking up the large staircase. I grind my hips against his the whole way to my bedroom door. When we got to my bedroom door his firm grasp on my ass only stops on one cheek to open the door. Once we step inside he shuts the door behind us and walks over to the side of the bed. He lays me down and feels all over my body.
"I wanna know all your secrets baby. How you moan, how much you can take, your kinks, what you can do, how flexible you are, where every scar that litters your body is, baby I wanna fucking know it all." He growled in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. I let out a shaky breath and shiver due to the dirty words that poured out of his mouth. His hands found their way from my hips to my wings and he gently stroked the feathers. I let out whine after whine due to how good it felt. My fingers grabbed a fistful of his hair and that just boosted his ego. He leaned into my ear again still stroking my soft feathers.
"That feel good princess?" He said lowly in my ear. "You look warm. Let's get this disgusting hoodie off you." He pulled his hands away from my wings and I wined. He placed his hands on the sides of my ribs and pulled me up. I turned my wings into armadillo plates so that he could pull off my Red Riot hoodie and discard it. Once the hoodie was off he noticed my Deku high tops. He quickly untied them and chucked them across the room. I deactivated my quirk to let my wings lay out on the bed.
"You look so good wearing my merch babe. Especially when you hand make it." He reached for the charm softly brushing my skin to grab it. The touch sent tingles down my spine. He reached behind my neck and took my neck jewelry off. His fingers brushed my skin again and again, sending shivers down my spine each time. He set the jewelry on the nightstand and looked back at me.
"Take those rings off baby girl. Don't want you to get hurt." He commanded in a deep, sexy tone. I obeyed, taking my rings off and giving them to him so he could put them with the other jewelry.
"Gloves too." He commanded, I obeyed. Once both of my gloves were in his hands he put them on the nightstand. He then pulled off his tank top that barely hid anything to the eyes but it was still mesmerizing to see his rippling abs and the scars that littered his body. It was now my turn to explore his body and feel it. But I felt his abdomen in its raw, uncovered form. His rock hard, scarred abs were hard to pull my hands away from. But I still wanted to know what the rest felt like so I glided my hands gently against his toned body. His skin was so soft. Eventually I looked at him and took my shirt off. I ended up accidentally ripping the shirt in the back because of my haste to show him more of me.
"Damn babe. Want me that bad?" He teased as I threw the shirt on the ground.
He has seen me with this much skin showing many times due to my hero outfit. But this is different. ALL of his attention is on me. His hands trace my scars and his hands run up and down my sides. When his hands leave my sides and reach behind me my face heats up.
"I need you to say you are okay with this before I continue. The last thing I wanna do is hurt you Y/N." His hands stayed on the zipper of my bra.
"Katsuki it's okay. I want this." I confirm.
His hands make quick work of my bra, discarding it and pushing me back down on the bed. His eyes are glued to my chest as he fondles my left mound, twirling my nipple around with his thumb until it was a stiff bud. He then grabs both boobs. The motion making me let out a quiet moan.
"Damn babe, your tits fit perfectly in my hands." His calloused hands fondled my breasts causing me to whine and move my hips. His smile widened and he leaned down, removing one of his and setting on my hips. He latches unto my bud and twirls it around with his tongue and sucks on it as he continues to fondle my other breast. The amount of pleasure he sent all throughout my body caused moan after moan to spill out of my mouth. My arms moved to around his neck once again and my fingers found their way back into his spiky, soft, ash blonde hair. His free hand pulled my hands from his body and pinned them to the mattress above me. He released my mounds causing a very deeply disappointed whine.
"Don't worry baby. There is way more where that came from." He said as his hand dipped into the waistband of my pants. He undid what was hold my pants up and slid them down my legs. Once my pants were off he placed two fingers against my heat that was still clothed.
"Damn baby, you're already soaking wet. All this is for me? And I get it for the rest of my life? Fuck, you're spoiling me." His hand moved up to the waistband of my panties. "Let's get these off you shall we?" He painfully slowly pulled them off my body. He smiled at my bare, throbbing cunt. "Fuck, I need a taste baby." He got on his knees and put my thighs over his shoulders. "The last time I was in between your thighs we were sparring and you used your signature move. Fuck, I jerked off to how soft your thighs were for weeks." His breath on my heat and dirty words made me get even wetter and squirmed around. "You like it when I breath on this wet cunt baby? When I'm between your thighs about to service you? Spewing filth from my mouth? Well guess what, I'm growing impatient. So you're gonna let me tongue fuck you until you cum. Understood brat?"
I vigorously nodded my head and said, "Y-yes sir." With that he dived into my soaking wet cunt. He licked one long stripe in between my folds and then went feral. His hands gripped my thighs tightly and he growled like an animal. The vibration of his voice caused me to moan even more than I was. Both of my hands found their way into his hair, holding his face closer to my needy cunt. I grind on his face for more pleasure and he pulls me closer to his face, going even more feral. My head was getting fuzzy as I neared my climax. I was constantly moaning and once I was on the edge I moaned out his name.
"Katsuki, I'm—I'm gonna—fucking—cum!" I said in between moans. His response was tongue fucking me harder and faster, pushing me off the edge and into the pit of pleasure. My body convulsed and tensed as I released in Katsuki's mouth. He kept lapping up my juices until I came down from my high.
"You're such a good girl for daddy. And your body is so soft. I think I know why you were called the teddybear of class 1-A." He kicked off his shoes and took off his pants, then pressed his still sheathed cock up against my heat. "Fuck." He groaned lowly. "Tell me what you want baby."
"I want you inside me. I need you inside me. Please don't keep me waiting, please. I need you to stretch me out with your cock and pound into me. I need you to fuck me stupid, and claim me over and over. Please just stuff my pussy with your cum until you're done using my body. I don't care just fuck me." He was pleased with my response as he took off his boxers to reveal his long, thick erection.
"You want this?" He teased slapping it against my entrance. I nodded vigorously. "Words princess."
"Y-yes. I want it." I stutter out.
"Such a good girl, how could I refuse when you look like that. Deep breath baby. Daddy's home." He pushed the tip past my folds and made grabby hands for him to stoop down. He did and I wrapped my arms around him, my claws digging into his back causing him to push more of himself in me. It was painful due to his size and length but once he was fully in me he let me take a few moments to adjust, peppering my face with kisses until I gave him the okay to start moving. He started moving in and out slowly until I told him to go faster. The process continued until all the pain was gone and I had him barreling into me. I soon reached another climax and came all over his cock. I climaxed three more times before he finally climaxed.
I was spent and tired by that time and he was still raring to go. "Katsuki, I'm tired, and we have work in the morning. I'm not used to going all night and still having energy in the morning." I explained.
His smile and eyes softened and he once again peppered my face with light kisses. "Sure thing teddybear. We can go to sleep." He pulled out of me and moved us both to the head of my bed. He laid my head on his chest and held me close, stroking my hair and telling me how good I was. And for the first time ever, I fell asleep feeling safe, and protected, happy even.
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4/27/24
10:59 p.m Edited/Added to
So I had heart palpitations when I closed my eyes again last night... luckily they passed and fell asleep on just the half MG of xanax. I didn't need any other drugs, thankfully.
I woke up around 12, that's the longest I've slept straight through the night since psychosis minus after microsleep, while I was smoking weed. The nights I didn't microsleep during October I could sleep through like 7-10 hours. That was only like 4 or 5 nights between October 10th and November 3rd... and then when I started sleeping regularly again I was able to sleep like 6-10 hours straight when I was smoking pot. Then I quit pot and insomnia got terrible...
And before Xanax when I finally fell asleep after, "black heading," for hours I could stay asleep longer like 6-10 hours but it took so long just to fall asleep and some nights I never did...
Then I started Xanax and I've been able to fall asleep but usually i wake up ever 2-3 hours...
Anyways I took benadryl at 12 and then passed back out. Woke up at 2 p.m and then fell back to sleep without benadryl and slept until about 3:30 or 4 p.m idk bc microsleep fucked with my ability to know if I slept or not... all I know is that's why I keep a sleep tracker...
I decided not to do my laundry... I need to do my bedding and I've been putting it off bc my hoodies pile up so fast from Contamination.. and I need to have them to use the sleeves to grab stuff, so i have to plan to do my bedding the day after I do my clothing and towels bc otherwise I have a huge pile and can't do it all in one day.
However I needed a day with limited to no bathroom time. My laundry machine is in the bathroom, and even if it wasn't, doing laundry triggers major OCD. So I just decided to have a red bull day aka two 12oz red Bulls in a day and play video games.
I'm glad I made that decision. I'm playing bully and working on chapter 5. I am cooking dinner and taking a break. I should have that finished and uploaded prob around 3 or 4 a.m depending on how slow my MacBook is bc I've had to piece together the video bc of breaks... I'm taking pictures so I can submit them to apple so I can get my computer looked at and have a case at the apple store but I have to do it over the phone first and submit pictures. To combine a 1 hour video I have to wait 20 minutes it's ridiculous.
Anyways, I got my sneakers, I love them but the right shoe squeezes my baby toe strangely I've been fucking with the laces but I can't seem to get it right. Idk if this is one of those beauty is pain things or what but I might return them bc it's uncomfortable and if I get lines in them, they won't take them back but we see. It's actually both toes when I walk... I might do a return.
I'm hoping I can get some good gameplay today. Unfortunately I'm stuck on my old Xbox one s bc my stupid cloud saves won't transfer over to my series x which is fucking obnoxious...
Idc about most of my saves but I care about some-
1) Silent Hill 2 bc of my 10 star thank God that transferred over.
2) far cry 2 bc I have a over 20 hour save file and I'm half way through the game but it won't transfer to my new system......
3) Bully bc I have almost a 100% completion save file and one achievement left for 100% but it won't transfer.....
4) Minecraft bc of my castle which I've invested over 36 days working on thankfully that transferred over.
5) Silent Hill Homecoming bc I unlocked all the endings but whatever I can live without it even though it's obnoxious.... it won't transfer..
Anyways I won't play fc2 on my old system bc I'll easily play over 20 hours on the second half so I have to troubleshoot it..... I already tried for hours last night.
I'm sucking up bully for now to finish my playlist and I may accept losing the 100% completion save file which is fucked.
It's nice trying to relax but technology is a bitch and yea... I only picked Bully bc it doesn't trigger my OCD.
Also I've noticed at least in one way my hallucination has improved. When I played bully months ago the entire experience was intruded upon by the hallucination... however I think the last time I played it was like November when it was much worse.
There is a lot of dialogue so it helps drown it out. I've noticed with games with dialogue I can enjoy them mostly.
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“It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I'm writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.
Here's the thing.
I have a dog, Janet, and she's been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.
She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.
She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.
She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight, or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.
Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We've lived in numerous houses, and joined a few makeshift families, but it's always really been just the two of us.
She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.
She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.
The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.
She has Addison's Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel, since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.
Despite all this, she's effortlessly joyful & playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, and my mother, and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.
I can't come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.
She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.
I know that she's not sad about aging or dying.
Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.
But I know she is coming close to the time where she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.
I just can't leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.
Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.
But this decision is instant.
These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.
I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable and comforted and safe and important.
I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.
Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.
When she dies.
So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am revelling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I'm asking for your blessing.
I'll be seeing you.
Love,
Fiona
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Thursday,August,31,2023
I had slept a little bit but not a lot and for some reason I'm still tired but I can't go back to sleep. On top of that, I feel really numb and my body hurts a lot and I feel hungry as well. Right now I'm currently at my boyfriend's house. He is asleep of course because he has work today. He usually gets up at 6 so like in an hour or so. I had a bad dream last night. But it doesn't matter because it was just a dream. Not going to lie I really feel like listening to music rn but I don't know if I even should. I need water, food, icy hot, and a heating pad... which are all at my house. Well I'll be there like at 7 something so. Not going to lie I might be asleep the entire Day even when my boyfriend is supposed to pick me up to bring me back here. I really don't feel well at all to even be going back and forth. It sucks that I am feeling like this. It's more physical than anything to be honest. Right now I am cold. And I am really tired and hungry and in pain. I have spina bifida and I was born with it of course and since I'm getting older it's affecting me a lot. The doctors always don't do anything though. All they suggest is plastic surgery but that it might make the pain worse. Which I'm not willing to risk that to be honest. And I have a fear of going into surgery and not making it out. Which with the way my health has been i really don't think I would. I want to be comfortable right now but I'm not. And that sucks really bad. Whatever I am going to have to suck it up anyways because my bf wants me to come back here to his place and he wants me to stay until Sunday but Saturday he wants me to go camping with him and his friends. Which I feel like shit. All I really wanted was to stay home and for him to be around me and comfort me there....but sometimes i feel like it's always what he wants and needs and how he feels. It's been that way for awhile. Like yesterday he was supposed to come to my house eat dinner and be there for me and comfort me but he took me to his place instead. I understand he likes to be home and like he's very introverted but still... I go put of my way to travel 20 min just do to the smallest things that go a long way just so that he is okay or whatever. When im around him he's always playing his computer games or watching videos instead of like asking me if I wanna join or doing something with me. Like im here to spend time with him not be left to the side and just be there and not do or say anything. Sometimes I feel like he's doing shit on purpose to make me feel bad for him. Everyone knows how he is with me and how he is in general and everyone and I mean everyone keeps telling me to break up with him. But i don't know what's stopping me. Like something is stopping me and I've been trying to figure that out. Anyways, I'm sorry for always having the negative shiz but I really need to let shit out and this is the only way I feel like I can. Anyways, I hope things get better soon.... I want to be okay and feel okay as well. And I hope you all have a great day. Make sure to stay hydrated and rested and safe. If you ever need anything just text me. I got u.
Love always, D xoxo♡
#sad thoughts#journal#toxic relationship#depressing shit#journaling#relationship#toxic#toxic love#vent post#vent#love#boyfriend#loneliest#lonelly
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Sugar Punch - Chapter 6
*Warning Adult Content*
- Maddox -
'Fuck... Why won't it just stay down?'
I tighten my grip around my cock and lean my head against the shower was as I kept up the pace around my length, stoking myself harder and faster to drive out the frustration that just wouldn't leave.
I wasn't sexually frustrated as I slept with someone not two nights ago, so what the fuck was wrong with my dick every time I saw that puny little shit's face pop into my head.
It was becoming a fucking issue that whenever I saw him enter the gym my dick would twitch in my shorts, which to me was just something I didn't understand because I wasn't gay.
I wasn't attracted to him, I didn't get that butterfly shit, I felt nothing looking at him so then why was I jerking off to him in the showers?
The whole thing was driving me crazy.
I've never wanted to fuck a guy before but now I'm starting to think that's what I need to do to stop all these thoughts of him, invading my fucking sleep of all things, ever since last night when I dropped him off, he's all I thought of.
It wasn't sexual either, for the first time in years I was genuinely curious about him, even going as far as to google the fucking guy, only to get nothing out of it other than feeling like a damn creep for stalking him online.
He's fucking 18 and I'm almost 31, this just doesn't happen in your thirties, I had never questioned my sexuality before because I didn't need to, I loved having sex with girls, fuck it didn't matter if they were big or small, small tits or big, I loved them all.
Not once had I thought about being with a guy but Theo could be someone I wouldn't mind ramming my monster into.
Look at me, getting ahead of myself, he's not even into me like that.
I must be losing my damn mind.
Finishing up, not feeling any better with myself I decide to just head on home, unsatisfied with what I just did in the shower room, not feeling fulfilled from just my hand.
The week was passing quick and the days started to blur together, I didn't have anyone to train other than John who's competing today, Friday and Theo, who I had at four for an hour, apart from that I worked with my trainer to get into shape for my upcoming fight next month.
I'd be watching John fight, hoping that he picked up anything I taught him and used it for a fucking change, that and I didn't feel like staying home with my hand wrapped around my cock, thinking of a certain someone.
I disgusted myself how little I gave a shit about what I was doing, if anything I had never felt more turned on, and horny, then I was when I thought about the things I could do to him, fuck, it made the days go faster.
I had gotten lots of offers this week, heck, I could've populated a small country with the women who were coming onto me in just one day at the gym but I just wasn't in the mood for it.
It was nearing four and Theo would be walking through those doors any minute now, I should feel bad about how I used him to get off, but no guilty emotion came, if anything I was looking forward to our training sessions together.
I wasn't going to think too much into why I felt this way, it'd only make my head spin going around in circles to why I felt like this.
My phone started buzzing in my pocket, as I most likely got a text, so I grab my phone from my pocket and see who it was texting me.
It was a number I had saved under Theo Banks.
Theo: Hi Maddox, it's Theo, I won't be able to make it today... I'm sorry for taking this long to tell you, I haven't been feeling well and I only just woke up, sorry again, I will be back next week.
He's sick?
I saw him Thursday and he looked fine, a little beat up but fine, I didn't get any feeling that he wasn't feeling right, if anything he was into throwing me on the mat and putting me into a headlock.
So, he's not coming, now what the fuck am I going to do?
I had an hour free.
I should be pissed off, I hated when clients did this just minutes before a session but I was more curious why he was sick and wonder if he ate something, if it's true that he just woke up.
Maybe I could just leave and drop by, it's not like I had anything else to do beside this lesson with him, that was now cancelled.
No, that's fucking creepy Maddox, he'd obvious be burdened having my ass show up out the blue with food, plus it wasn't like we were friends, our relationship was professional.
I shot him a text back, sitting on the edge of the ring.
Maddox: Focus on getting better, I'll see you next week if you're up for it, just keep me posted.
This guy, he might look like a weak guy, short and skinny but he was determined alright, I liked that about him, it was refreshing even though he was new to the scene, I really felt like I could make him into a decent fighter.
Theo: I can't wait 😊
"Pft." I snort out, sighing and closing my eyes shut as a familiar feeling comes over me.
I look down at my shorts and groan out and lay down on the ring mat, holding my head in my hands as I start laughing, thinking I might be losing my damn mind right now.
I couldn't train this guy if I could barely control my dick and if that happens this is going to become a big problem for me in the long run.
I wonder what it was about him that just did it for me?
Sure, he was alright looking, plain face with nice eyes, not a bad jawline, he was skin and bones and pale, he was the opposite of me.
Not to mention he was short, almost like a girl, he didn't have any hair on his face, he was practically a kid at this point, so what the fuck was I doing getting hard over him for.
He did look cute when he blushed though, I always thought men blushing was just creepy but it didn't look bad on him, I thought it was even funny until I saw him on the machine Tuesday, talking to the new girl who joined the self defense lesson along with him.
Just watching him talk to girls was painful, it was obvious the guy had never been with one the way he lit up like a Christmas tree and then ran away, even though it looked like she was into him.
He was an awkward guy, kept to himself and there was no presence of him online, which made me wonder if he even had any friends looking after him right now.
When I dropped him off Saturday his house was dark and it was already half five, doesn't he have parents live with him?
More importantly, do they not give a shit that he shows up with fresh bruises?
It annoyed me the more I thought about this guy.
He was being bullied, I wasn't a fucking idiot, I knew the signs, as did Rick, the people that came to Rick for self-defence lessons were people going through shit, whether it be a stalker or just wanting to feel safe but I didn't get that from Theo.
He wanted to get strong and I admired that, I wasn't going to pity a guy who was fighting to survive, which is why I still stick to my word in not getting involved unless he asked for help, he had his pride and I had mine.
Still, what was he doing right now?
His parents wouldn't be home, so I bet he's playing those nerdy fucking games he mentioned.
Screw it, I grabbed my phone from beside me on and clicked on his name and decided to just fucking text him, it wasn't that weird, even so, the guys a fan and I was going to use that to know more about him.
Maddox: You owe me an hour.
I waited patiently for his reply and two minutes later it came, making me grin as I clicked on his name.
Theo: What do you mean? 😥
My dick started to twitch as I typed in my reply, whilst thinking of all the things I could do in an hour with Theo in arms reach, all the sick things my mind shouldn't shut up about whenever his face popped up in my mind.
Maddox: What are you doing right now?
I sat up and adjusted myself in my boxers, waiting for him to reply to me I got down and walked to my office and grabbed my bag, keys and wallet.
My phone buzzed and I looked at what he typed.
Theo: Uh… nothing, I just got out of bed 😓
I took a moment to think about what I was doing, going over the pros and cons of my actions of phoning him instead of texting, yet despite how something like this could potentially fuck me in the future, I chose to just fucking do it.
I pressed the call button on his name and put the phone to my ear and waited.
One ring, two, three, until finally on the fifth ring he picked up, making me sigh out, as I was sure he wouldn't pick up because of how fucking random it was.
"Hello?" his quiet voice came out, making me grin.
"It's me," I say, before rolling my eyes as he probably saved my number.
Turning my light off in my office, I grabbed my stuff and locked up the gym, keeping the phone to my ear.
"Since you owe me an hour, you need to keep me company until your time is up," I said, not ashamed of how messed up and manipulative that sounded.
The line goes quiet just as I turn the basement lights off and head for the second exit leading to the underground car park, where I parked my car.
"Oh, I guess I could but right now?" he stutters out nervously as I get into my car and turn it on.
I put my earphones in and connected them to my phone so I could talk to him without being caught with my phone in my hand whilst driving.
"You said you were free."
"I am, it's just I..."
There was a pause. "
I was going to shower," he says shyly as I picture his cheeks going red.
I drove out of the carpark and went into the direction of my apartment.
"So? My time is precious and you owe me, Theo."
I was being a bastard but I was having fun teasing him as the line went quiet again, as I could just picture him getting all worried for no reason, the guy was a walking puppy, always looking at me like he did something wrong.
"Have you been trying out your diet?" I asked curiosity.
"Ugh..." he mumbles out. "Yeah well... kind of, I haven't really moved that much but I tried one of the recipes you suggested," he adds, louder this time.
"Oh yeah, which one?"
"T-The chicken salad... with carrots." he said, making me laugh at how his voice cringed out the word 'carrots'.
Fuck, I was way over my head phoning this guy, now there was no going back, I had just screwed myself getting tangled with this kid and pushing myself in his life like this, for reasons beyond my control.
Might as well have a bit of fun with him, I've already jacked off to him several times, what more could I possibly do to make this situation any worse.
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I am like mentally doing horribly honestly, I can't get out of my own head, and shit is just repeating back and forth in my mind, like sentences, parts of books. I haven't been eating, and yet so far everytime someone asks me like how I am or something I'm just like oh I'm good I'm fine I'm doing great.
Literally like Thursday I ended my fwb's relationship because it was exclusive just so that I could hook up with a guy Saturday (and also because there was no pleasure in it at all for me, like the guy is simply awful in bed) and even then like Saturday we (hookup guy and I) fucked twice and the first time a much as I find him so fucking attractive like it was so fucking short and it just wasn't all that spectacular but you know he got off at least but he seemed so upset because he could just tell I didn't actually enjoy it all that much so a few hours pass by and we're sort of just chilling, discussing like politics and shit, and we go for another round and that time it was better at least but I legit had to fake climaxing and all and anyways he's so fucking proud of himself after because he thinks I came and shit and got off but I didn't I just didn't want to make him feel bad for not so I lied and he just after asks me these questions like about how he's bigger than I imagined (actually smaller) and how the first time he just came quickly because it had been awhile for him but how he really proved to me how great he was the second time
Anyways so it's like 6 am, he decides it's time to sleep, anyone who knows me knows it's like fucking impossible for me to sleep ever, so he falls asleep (btw he moves around a fuck ton in his sleep and must have a lot of wet dreams or something cuz he's like moaning and shit, and like 4 hours into him sleeping he like lays his arms on my head, and it just pins it there but the way they are it also completely cuts off my ability to see even though it's nearly complete darkness my eyes had already adjusted at this point) and so I'm just like trying to find a way to get his arms to move without waking him and then he finally moves his arms, anyways around noon he wakes up, I'm laying there with my head curled on his chest pretending to be asleep, and after he wakes up enough he asks how I slept and I'm like pretty decent actually bite I do bring up the hold like pinning my head down thing and he looks at me like it's completely normal and goes yeah I do that, I didn't like punch you or anything though didn't and I start laughing cuz I think he's joking and then I ask like three different times and he's like no I have a tendency to be violent in my sleep I have beaten girls up while sleeping and I'm just like the fuck?
Anyways the entire time I was there I was basically in my own head as usual, thinking the same thoughts, also judging his horrible music taste, and he seemed to think I was upset or something which like I actually wasn't I genuinely had a decent time and the second round he was actually decent in bed even if I didn't get off (I did slcome pretty close though but he just didn't last long enough) and most of the time I was trying to like focus on him and the stuff he was into and wanted to do but I'm not really good at like talking to people I'm more of an observer and appreciate people quietly but he seemed to think I was upset or just generally not okay but I just felt completely comfy in the silence just watching him be into things you know but since that day I've just been like back to being stuck in my head again and just really wanting to like pop pills and drink and cut and I haven't been eating at all (even before I went there though I hadn't been) and so I haven't been eating and I've started pill popping again, managed to avoid cutting so far. I guess the main thing is that I spend so much time in my head with my own thoughts and they are just endless and when I'm around other people it's generally not something I have to worry about because I'm focusing on them instead unless they are like asleep and then I'm like focusing on not waking them up and trying to pretend I'm asleep so that they don't worry or anything but like when someone asks me if I'm okay and I honestly am and they don't believe me I guess I just go back into my head again and all
Well, this is a long ass post so feel free to ignore it lol I'm just rambling without even talking about what's actually wrong like usual
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