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twdmusicboxmystery · 4 years

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10x09: Squeeze - First Thoughts

Hey Everyone! How did you all like 10x09? I loved it! Thought it was fabulous. As per usual, today I’ll just give you some broad, first thoughts. Tomorrow I’ll do details and TTD. After that, I have some predictions. My peeps and I have been discussing what the spoilers told us all week and I have lots of connections to make. So, stay tuned.

***As always, spoilers abound for 10x09 below. Don’t click the ‘Read More’ until you’ve watched! You’ve been warned!***

The first thing that caught my eye was a weird thing Daryl did with a walker hand. A walker grabs Kelly’s leg and is trying to pull her down off the rock and Jerry steps in and cuts the walker’s arm off. Then Daryl asks if he can have the arm.

Then…it just disappears. I actually re-wound that scene because I thought I missed something. It’s a right hand, btw. (Beth’s cast was on her right hand.) But from what I could tell, Daryl was carrying the walker arm/hand and a flashlight. The next shot (like 2 seconds later) both are gone and he’s carrying a torch. I’m thinking maybe he used the hand to prop up the flashlight so others behind him had light to see by or something. But again, we don’t see what he does with it. Or where/when the torches get lit. So, it’s weird. But there’s a tie to Beth and the fact that it just disappeared. And perhaps the light has something to do with it as well. There are lots of bathroom references in this episode. Some are gross. Can I just say…the whole Alpha/Negan thing is extremely cringe-worthy. *shudders* But even before that, he goes to talk to her when she’s at the latrine. He even makes a butt joke. Then she threatens to cut off his balls and kicks him into the latrine. Ewww.

I didn’t think much about it during that scene, but then Jerry makes a bathroom reference as well (but much less gross). He’s having a hard time crawling through the tiny passages in the cave and Aaron asks if he’s okay. He says something like, “I’m just a 6’2” dude who used to have a hard time fitting in airplane bathrooms. Why wouldn’t everything be alright?” When he said that, it occurred to me how many bathroom references they have in this episode. And we don’t actually see any toilet paper or anything, but the verbal references are there.

For those who don’t remember, we’ve seen a subtle bathroom motif around these kinds of scenes. Weird, I know, but it’s there. Back in S4, when Rick escapes the Claimer house, he does so through a window in the bathroom. Before that, when Carl is exploring the pudding house and loses his shoe, we have a walker that comes out of the bathroom and tries to get him. Carl shoots it in the head—same place Beth is shot—and the walker jumps back up again. So once again, this motif is there and very entangled with Beth symbolism. I definitely felt there were callbacks to Coda in Daryl and Carol’s conversation. Carol says she doesn’t want to just kill Alpha. She wants to torture her and make her beg for forgiveness and THEN kill her.

It reminded me of Daryl killing Dawn after Beth was shot. And the way Daryl just kind of stares at his hands and nods, I think he must have been thinking of that. And I remember Norman talking about that moment in an interview. He said Daryl might have gone into full murder-mode, killing everyone in the hallway, if Carol hadn’t put her hand on his arm right then and stopped them. Only after she does that does he drop his gun and look down at Beth and cry. So during the scene in this episode, after Carol says that about Alpha, Daryl replies, “If I’d been through what you’ve been through, I’d probably feel the same way. Unless you stopped me.” That simply has to be a reference to Coda. Um…there are long stretches of this episode where the group is literally crawling through dark tunnels. Daryl is always out ahead with a light, so they are crawling through the darkness and toward the light. There’s even a part where Carol starts to have a claustrophobic fit and Daryl says, “come toward my light.” Carol says, “I can’t.” Which is very telling about her state of mind. Though eventually, she does get through.

I’ll talk more about this Daryl-is-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel theme later in the week. I think it’s very important. At one point, Jerry gets stuck and some walkers are behind him, gnawing on his feet. They don’t actually bite him because they don’t get through his boots, but the camera focused on his shoes several times. So foot/shoe reference. Again, more on that in my details post tomorrow.

Let’s talk about the spoilers themselves. I’m feeling very suspicious about the bird cage spoilers. It’s one of those things that was weirdly specific and not really emphasized in the episode.

We definitely get a clear shot of the bird cage, but the camera just pans over it. There’s no actual mention of canaries or even that this is a mine. Maybe we’re supposed to glean that from the cage and the dynamite, but honestly, it might have all just been put there by the Whisperers. So I feel like this is one of those times it’s kind of apparent these spoilers might have been reported by AMC itself, and they want us to understand certain details that aren’t actually referenced in the episode.

There were other things that visually reminded me of Beth stuff. The episode did feel a lot like Consumed to me. When Carol fell and Daryl came to get her, it reminded me of Beth falling down the elevator shaft. And given the explosion when the mine caved in, it’s obvious why they would think Connie and Magna are dead. I mean, it was a pretty big explosion. If they’d been at the mouth of the exit when it happened, I’m sure they’d have both died. Only because they ran back in a little ways to fight Whisperers did they survive. There’s probably something symbolic in that. And this may sound really morbid, but even the way the debris and dust exploded kind of reminded me of the way the blood exploded from Beth’s head. So, I’m definitely feeling the parallels here.

We do see Connie and Magna very briefly. For me, it’s obvious that they’re showing us that they survived the blast. After it happens, we get a half-second shot of them turning around inside and then rocks sort of fall over the camera. So it’s like they’re watching their escape route disappear, but we don’t actually see any debris falling on them. So it’s obvious to me that they’re alive, but just trapped. And of course they could technically still die via walker, Whisperer, or just no food/water. It was emphasized several times that the group is very low on food and water, so that was a real concern for them. But the short of it is that we do see that they are okay inside.

I loved it when Daryl and Carol talked about not always telling each other everything. It came from the fact that Daryl told everyone Carol was claustrophobic and she was genuinely surprised he knew that about her. I think this is them acknowledging that they don’t talk about everything to one another, but also that, even though they don’t, the other one still knows.

So, I think it’s a way of pointing out that Daryl has never talked to anyone about Beth. Carol has also never talked to anyone about Lizzie and Mica (that we know of) or about Henry. Or about Sam. And it occurs to me that we know, via Henry, that she talked to Zeke about Ed and how abusive he was, but we’ve never been told that she talked to him about her lost children. To be fair, Daryl never talked to anyone about Denise, either, or anyone else he’s lost. But I think the emphasis here is also that the two of them (Daryl and Carol), because they’re so similar, can look at one another and know what the other one isn’t saying.

Maybe it seems fairly obvious on the surface. I mean, for anyone who looked at Daryl digging Denise’s grave, and stopping mid-shovelful to drink hard liquor, it’s obvious that this man is in an immense deal of pain. But the point is, even when he doesn’t tell her stuff, Carol still knows him well enough to understand what he’s going through, and vice versa.

It’s why she gave him Beth’s knife and wouldn’t let him go off on his own much during Them. And now the tables are turned. Just because Carol doesn’t talk to him about stuff, Daryl still looks at her and knows she’s not right in the head. Once again, the problem is that they don’t know how to heal each other. Carol isn’t responding to Daryl any more than he responded to her in Them or Twice as Far. At one point in this episode, he even says (and I paraphrase) “I want to be there for you, but I don’t know what else to do.”

I also think this may be a tongue-in-cheek way of the writers telling us to read between the lines. It’s almost kind of the “what cannot be seen” theme, except it’s “what is not being spoken.”

The last thing I’ll say is that the final scene with Daryl and Carol is very sad. I don’t think spoilers mentioned this but Daryl actually breaks down and starts crying. Like, a lot. I’m sure there will be drama in the fandom over this scene. The Carylers will, of course, say it’s because he’s in love with Carol and she’s being destructive. Others will say it’s because he’s in love with Connie.

Honestly, I think it was a little of both. (I mean both because of Carol and Connie, not because he’s in love with either of them.) My first impression was that he was just crying because Carol was crying. He points an accusatory finger at her first, so he’s obviously angry and blaming her. But when someone you know well breaks down, it always kind of makes you break down too, and I think there’s an element of that in it. Like, it’s just a sad situation and he’s sort of sympathizing with her.

But I also think it’s because Carol’s break down him to face the idea that Connie might be dead. Before she started crying and telling him to say it was her fault, he was sort of in his determined, I’m-gonna-figure-this-out Daryl mode. I think it made him stop and realize that Carol thinks Connie is dead and she might well be (from his point of view) so he cried because of that too. Again, just a very sad, poignant scene. I’ll stop there for now. Details coming tomorrow. Overall, I really thought this was a great episode. What did you think?

#beth greene #beth greene lives #beth is alive #beth is coming #td theory #td theories #team delusional #team defiance #beth is almost here #bethyl

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incarnateirony · 4 years

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I went off on a rant to a friend about things like Gamble Era, and miscellaneous idolized past authors, and you know what, fuck it. I'm going to say it out loud. And listen, listen this is NOT going to be my normal "Whatever you like :)" post like, this is literally an accumulation of horse shit I've seen talked about in any and all lanes for years that have been driving me fucking bananas for years. Don't just read this going HAHA I HATE GAMBLE TOO and then be shocked when I slap at inexplicably favorited authors in this fandom beyond that.

------

God how can anyone genuinely like Gamble, like, literally, legitimately and 1000%, not even about her killing Cas or whatever, what kind of pure trash TV do these people intake in mass that they think Gamble was good at her job I can not emphasize enough how cripplingly disappointing the shift from S4-5 to 6-7 was I know art is in the eye of the beholder or whatever but JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST.

Fuck constructivist theory there's a point when things are just clearly trash Benefits S7 had: Just da bros uhhhh *flips through pages* Anything else? Are dick jokes art?

Her era was overrun by plot holes you could fly boeing jets through -- and I don’t mean shit like when fandom goddamn made up in their own damn head about an angelreaper retcon even though the reaper in the same episode they said was a retcon said the deadass opposite of what everybody fucking wound themselves up about, just deadass yawning voids -- it had unstable mechanics on previously established species shit, the villain plot was one giant monster of the week that tried desperately to go back to how they handled shit like Azazel as a threat but miserably failed, the monster had the dumbest weakness possible, the characters themselves were unstable in their characterizations and not even in that general "I don't like what the show is doing with them" but episode to episode Sam flipping from ripping Dean with laughter over gay jokes to woke-sounding sentiments

The cinematic style was gone and just vacant, it was neither the overexposed horror desaturated film nor the vivid fantasy of Carver, it just sat there like an unpolished lump

While later seasons also lost the classic rock vibe for budget reasons, that too disappeared in her era so we had no film energy, no story energy, no character energy, no villain energy, no structure energy, and we didn't even have the fucking cool tunez but we had dicks allergic to windex

It even lacked the elements that gave Kripke era value

Dusty americana died, all we had left was teenage girl fuckin emo sad boi drama And even that was miserably piss poor

I have never seen such a visionless fucking disaster successfully air an entire season on my fucking TV

I will never, EVER be able to outline what a fucking disappointment it was to go from S4-5 level show maturation into this negative embarrassment by season 7.

S6 Kripke was still around to some extent and that's the only reason I can deduce, S7 minded, there was any substance to it, even if her writing and editing crew at the time were a goddamn tire fire. And then people turn around and yell feminism if you criticise the giant fucking blazing slag heap that was her era and blame anyone and everyone but her and here you FUCKING go and she does half the shit all over again in the Magicians

(The friend replied: "The season only works in reverse, which is a crime on serialised TV (and just bad screenwriting)." )

That's just it though, it's like S7 we were suddenly back to fucking episodical TV like S1-2 because enough fuckbats yelled about Good Old Days. Only instead of ʷĤε𝕣є'𝓼 đα𝒹 or 𝐓Ħⓔ DεᗰＯᶰ 卄𝓐ｓ Ƥl𝓐𝓝Ş ℱⓞｒ Ⓜ𝔢 it was ħ𝔞ⓗａ 𝓓ＩＣ𝐤ᔕ 🍆

I mean fucking sure this show started targeting late teenage women but Kripke had started maturing it forward and then Gamble fucking rolls along and it's like she's writing for 13 year old boys suddenly

Well I say that's what she seemed to be writing for but at the time the marketing was gross objectification going LOOK PRETTY BOYS WITH GUNS and that was it, that was the substance of what they gave a shit about and apparently the kind of demographic they thought constituted the sum of the SPN audience which, go get fucked guys, seriously. No fucking wonder the ratings got gouged in half over the course of a year. And fandom yells BUT FRIDAY DEATH SLOT but go sit and spin, S6 was friday deathslot too but before Kripke disappeared as the last thread holding SOME kind of cohesive value in the piece together in S6, that went to shitfuckhell in a handbag at light speed. People migrated to SPN Fridays S6 just fine. They LEFT season 7 and then people plug their ears if they don’t like that. And Carver had to fight all S8 to get it back, /but succeeded, and then-some./

oh and lemme head off fandom dumbfuck argument #72 about “well Dabb’s ratings are lower than Gamble’s were so he sucks and ruined it worse” go take your fucking ass and google “national primetime ratings decline” and enjoy exploring the last fucking 70 years of TV history. Pointing out a show crashes within a year because of massive failure is not the same as people being intentionally fucking daft sods to the TV universe’s decline over the last decade so like, don’t. Don’t be that person. Because you’re still embarrassingly wrong.

(The friend replied: "That's why I don't get why people care about what the vocal minority have to say. They *already* got what they wanted. It crashed and burned. Nobody in their right mind in corporate world is gonna be like, let's try that again, let's throw more money into that burning pit That's just not happening. Gay angels or no, it just ain't." )

I mean that should have been obvious when 1. Carver brought back Cas and pretty much immediately promoted him to Regular 2. Misha then got promoted to lead credits in S12, no matter what circles of intentional, willful ignorance fandom argues about what the credits mean for petty piss fights

"LOL & MEANS HE'S LESS IMPORTANT" Shut the fuck up and sit down you basement dwelling shitlord, go watch the A-Team, tell me how Mr T is the least important character

Also unpopular fuckin opinion Robbie Thompson and Ben Edlund are not That Great. Compared to what they were SURROUNDED with they were exceptional but Berens and Yockey could run circles around them both. They just happened to give fandom shit they liked during dark times so it made them fun. Robbie Thompson and Ben Edlund are basically the baseline value of our current writing team on random names. Give me Robbie Thompson and give me Davy Perez and I see no fucking difference. People compare Edlund to Yockey because of certain shit he pulled off but like, no? If there WAS a comparison it’d be like, Meredith, and even then I can’t see any way Edlund is substantially better than Meredith but could list the other in reverse?

But if we're talking about being able to write pieces with more than 1 or 2 layers of impact I'm sorry, it's rose colored glasses that makes people idolize them

Like if people seriously objectively fucking sat and reviewed the methodology and substance of their past idol authors to the demonstratable level of the current crew where I am DEAD ASS HAVING DISCOURSE WITH THE EXEC PRODUCER ABOUT BAUDRILLARDIAN CONCEPTS AND DELILLO in the middle of a hypercomplex postmodern two-directional commentary piece on some scaffolding of sociopolitical representation commentary that SAILS past the level the ‘activists’ in this fandom think about, literally, what people like is Gay Shit They Got lobbed at them or shiny visuals. And you know what, whatever, sure, like what you like IDGAF but don't sit here like Thompson was some fucking Shakespeare. No, your fucking "meta" you -- you, in any lane, anyone, any ship, anywhere, ever -- wrote by COMPLETELY randomly associating whatever storyline you could staple on to try to pretend the text was doing what you want at the time -- is not the same as author intent and actual weight and merit to the cohesive structure of what they build.

YES YES I KNOW, Death of the Author, someone just popped that up in their head, like the ten thousand posts I've made over the last 209349 years addressing how people abusive the fuck out of the term and that's fine, interpret shit however you wanna make it do jumping jacks but don't sit here entering the time you attached Little Bo Peep as some sort of intrinsic value to Dean trying to find Sam in 1492 and act like that's some deep critical shit the authors thoughtfully laced into the piece, these are not the same fucking conversation.

Big hollow voids of statements doesn’t make a better author, it makes you bust your ass harder to actually give any sort of consequential meaning to the piece, and that has nothing to do with the quality of the author or text themselves, that has to do with your interpretation in a piece devoid of genuine thematic subtext so people desperately try to bobby pin some bullshit together. Which also is probably why this fandom can’t tell the difference between coding, interpretation, subtext, and text for their fucking life anymore.

Protip the entire goddamn writing room is pouring that gay shit in your cup that's been triple brewed above Robbie or Edlund’s pots and people are still complaining it isn't enough

Another point that drives me up a wall, "LAZARUS RISING IS THE BEST EPISODE EVER" okay like lmaooooo what the fuck are you smoking Was it impressive as fuck at the time yes it was. But again, fucking perspective. I literally went back and watched it like a month ago and I realized it was a fucking void of content compared to our modern writing, it just had one of the most impressive entrances, it DID have good directing (YES MANNERS WAS GOOD, NO DISRESPECT), and it introduced a character everybody loved. Dean was still a halfass caricature

You wanna know why everybody made that shit gay right away Because there was no fucking substance around it it was a wallpaper of a cool looking episode that was otherwise blank space to run around in on dialogue they should have thought to construct better if they didn't want it to be gay

And sure since then the author room has picked up the big gay ball and started actually turning it into some shit which, great, but this is yet again a matter of structure and intent versus throwing rotten pasta at the wall and seeing if the mold makes it stick. I don't care if you have a vegan recipe that converts the fucking mold on the pasta into a healthy sauce base that isn't what it was thrown at the wall like, and no amount of complimenting the original chef's moldy pasta means it was some tasty shit before you added 10,000 ingredients they never fucking thought about or at least a second chef came along and figure out what to do with the pile of goo.

Fandom would stop being this miserable fucking putrid stinkhole if people would collectively apply some goddamn perspective to the content they argue about before even bothering to engage with uwustiel/cest dot tumblr dot com in irrelevant argument #9238428934 they use to fence off whether they should enjoy the content or try to explore it for its value or not because there is NO. MORE. PERSPECTIVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT’S FINE TO EVEN ADMIT YOU LIKED THINKY-FREE TV, THAT’S FINE, THAT’S YOUR RIGHT.

But don’t SIT here acting like a lot of these former train wrecks were “better authors” or somehow objectively “better content.” No like, you like not thinking about shit that much and staring at pretty boys or whatever, good on you, but you literally like, objectively, some of the shit I’ve seen go down is like genuinely trying to compare a toddler’s fridge art to a Vasarely and hold them both up in front of people who do art for a living. They ain’t gonna shit on the kid’s fridge art, but they’re gonna go “awwwww she’s gonna grow up to be a great artist!” before breaking down on Vasarely’s vector illusion shit, sorry, that’s just how it be. I’m sure the kid had some sort of vision to drawing the triangle over the square that kinda looks like a house but the hypercomplex thought processes simply aren’t there.

Just people STUCK in weird idolization of shit that is so far past irrelevant to the current piece in play and fighting to win arguments while trying to convince themselves they're right and secretly dreading how titanically failboat wrong they are ignoring the sound of the glacier having ripped through their hulls SEASONS ago. The ice water has already leaked onto the fucking DECK and people are still arguing about completely ridiculous shit or fancying things that were 1/10th of the value of the current content they're claiming isn't good or enough or valid compared to the shallow specters that birthed them out of old aeons.

Dead-ASS Kripke picked shit because it “sounded cool.” I’m sorry if there weren’t some model guys fandom wanted to hump everybody would be making fun of the fedora-tipping mindset that probably is where the fucking trenchcoat came from and may have debated giving Cas -- sorry, “CASS” because “COOL” -- katanas. But sure. Way, way deeper and more intricate than the Jungian intertextual post modern piece that’s so tightly knit it’s making fandom unwittingly comment on themselves.

I thought people grew out of that shit when they were like 16 unless they were incels

(My spidey senses detected someone unironically preparing to inform me about stealing borrowing the imagery from Constantine on reflex, because you know, that’s some peak intertext right there.)

Dead ASS that writing logic is that motherfucker that wanders into your freeform RP server with Spawn knockoff miasma chainsaw arms under his leather trenchcoat shooting twin Deagles with a vague story of wanting to face his demon overlord father that’s written like a looney tunes villain, in the middle of you cowriting with your lit-savvy friends trying to make a fun fantasy adaptation rendering fascism and corporate america and then he gets upset when nobody wants him to shit lightning -- /fight me/.

SERIOUSLY FOLKS. WANNA ENJOY THE SHOW AGAIN? GET SOME PERSPECTIVE. LET GO OF FETISHIZING WEIRD WARPED MEMORIES AND LINES OF ARGUMENT INSIDE YOUR OWN HEADS ISTG IT'LL HELP.

The day I find an argument that makes season 7 legit good TV rather than, at very best, “fun junk TV I had a cool ride on”, that does NOT involve evoking arguments distinctly born out of petty shipping culture arguments and/or (generally the same) attaching their own shit with a stapler to MAKE it have some sort of meaning at the time it was airing (rather than later showrunners making it add up to something), I’ll eat my fucking arm.

𝓯𝓾𝓬𝓴. Carver era had already gone through dramatic changes that deepend the scope of the show and even then, 15.09 Bobo’s The Trap held more ACTUAL commentary on this fandom than Thompson’s Fanfiction episode did as a supposed fandom-commentary episode much LESS 15.04 as an actual meta framed episode. Fanfiction was like 4 years behind and completely fucking unplugged, whereas the base of the show itself is more integrated now in these dynamics than any attempt at meta episodes back then were.

old days it took one goddamn episode of dreaming for people to 1. start talking about Freud and 2. pretend the whole everything after that was some Freudian masterpiece even when, if it were, it would have been an entire avalanche of dropped balls. But two seasons of direct citations and literal manifest avatar-bodies of Jungian psychology elements and it’s hard to pull more than a peep out of the fandom about it because they’re too busy yelling about tulpas or sirens from before most of the people around here hit puberty.

𝓕 𝓤 𝓒 𝓚

furthermore why does anyone that idolize season 7 for what they think fits their bill think season 15 is gonna end how they want when they’ve been taking the piss out of season 7 over and over and over and over again IN THE TEXT as being dumb as SHIT

𝕀ℕ 𝕋ℍ𝔼 𝔽𝕌ℂ𝕂𝕀ℕ𝔾 𝕋𝔼𝕏𝕋

WHY SET YOURSELF UP FOR DISAPPOINTMENT

TO WIN TEMPORARY ARGUMENTS? THAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY LOSING FROM START TO FINISH?

actually you know what

rolling back to the whole “empty/subtextless stuff making people bust their ass” seems to be what you miss. Saying, “I miss empty, shallow, shitty writing” doesn’t really sound as good though so we change “what I like” into “this is talentless trash” it postures better, but it seems to be the people who have objectively fucking refused core tenets the show has evolved over the last 7 years, most explicitly the last 3-4, and absolutely refused to soak them in the form they deliver in. And they’re mad. Because it isn’t hollow. They can’t run around in fucking blank space and plug absolute horse shit into the voids and then posture like they’re supreme in this noncommital wasteland. Because everything’s built out and structured in and loud as fuck and people are debating the actual installed and even dogmatically cited work of philosophers driving the ideology of the show now and they can’t get away from it, and/or actually have to pay attention to the whole show and think about it all as a picture instead of the parts they want, so it’s “bad.”

I just sensed like 50 readers shoving their foot into that shoe. Good.

Jesus christ I’m pretty sure that’s what it is in hindsight after yelling all of this. These characters can’t be used as sock puppets anymore that people can win bullshit arguments unless they literally delete the entire principle of the modern show -- and this goes for MULTIPLE lanes really, each in their own way -- so now it’s “bad.” And that’s just not how this works.

#supernatural #spn #rant #vent #mildew

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writing-in-the-impala · 5 years

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You Always Hurt The Ones You Love (Part 8)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

AU: Professor!Bucky Barnes/ Teacher!Bucky Barnes

Series Summary: You fall for your smoking hot literature professor Bucky Barnes (quite literally) what follows you never predicted would happen.

Warnings: Swearing, Drinking, teacher-student relationship (but like it’s all legal chill) and mentions of PTSD because it’s Bucky, SLOWburn we’re in for a long ride

Word Count: 1953

A/N: I’ve got the next few posts on automated posting so for the next three weeks expect updates every Thursday after that no promises

MASTERLIST | SERIES MASTERLIST | Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

You wanted to talk to Bucky during your next lesson but he wasn't in. So you decided to get an excuse to go over to his, you went to a deli bought him home made soup, bought cold medicine and pain killers and went to his with the pretext that you're doing what he did for you. You knocked on the door and waited, nothing, you knocked again and you heard footsteps as if someone walks up to the door looked through the peep hole and walked away, you knocked again and nothing. "Barnes I can hear you walking around in there!" You shouted and then the door opened. Bucky looked rough maybe he was ill, it looked like he didn't shave all week his usual clean shaven or slightly stumble look was replaced with the beginnings of a beard, he was wearing trashy clothes and his hair was a mess. "Hi, look I know you don't want to see me and I'm 90% sure you're not actually ill but if you are I bought you some stuff because you did it for me it's only fair-" You ranted.

"Do you want to come in?" Bucky cut you off in a deeper voice than usual he sounded broken.

"Are you sure?" You asked and he lightly nodded stepping aside to let you in, you walked in expecting the flat to be a complete mess like Bucky but surprisingly it was spotless. You sat down on the couch and Bucky took a seat opposite you neither of you knowing what to say. "Is everything okay Bucky? I'm worried." You said receiving a deep sigh from Bucky before he hid his face in his palms.

"I think I'm gonna quit work and move somewhere else like a new state." Bucky simply said in his broken voice.

"What? Why?" You asked confused and also with worry. Would this mean that Bucky was going to be out of your life?

"I don't know." Bucky said aggravated standing up and starting to pace the room.

"Well you obviously do, considering that you've made this decision." You stood up angry with how Bucky has been acting these past few days. Bucky ignored you so you continued. "You're acting so selfish." You said and Bucky kept pacing. "Steve will be devestated and heart broken, your students will be loosing their teacher half way through the year they will be confused and hurt, your friends will all be upset and miss you, need I go on." You continued and Bucky kept pacing and not saying anything. "Fucking hell Bucky stop pacing." You said putting your hands on each of his arms in order to make him stand still and he stopped. "Thank you." You said with a sigh.

"I don't want to leave..." Bucky said his voice filled with sadness.

"Then don't." You simply said looking up at him to look him in the eyes.

"But I have to." He replied you could see the pain in his eyes.

"Look whatever you think if forcing you out of here you can fight it." You said hugging Bucky to comfort him. "You grew up here, New York is your home don't leave. You have people who will help you, you just need to let us help you." You said and you felt Bucky nod and you let go of him ending the hug.

"Steve's already tried to help me, it didn't work I don't know how to get out of this situation." Bucky said sounding frustrated again and sitting down.

"What situation?" You asked calmly sitting down opposite him.

"Me kissing you!" Bucky raised his voice making you slightly flinch, you knew he wouldn't hurt you but when he raised his voice he was terrifying.

"I'm sorry Bucky I really wanted to help you but if you're childish enough to fucking leave town because of one accidental kiss then I think you should grow up." You said feeling annoyed with his pettiness.

"It wasn't accidental, I mean it was, but I wanted to kiss you, of course if I ever was going to actually kiss you on purpose I would've asked for your consent but I'm a fucking idiot, my head just forgot who you were, it felt like we've been dating for years and that's so fucked up because you're my student and the only way out of this situation is to leave." Bucky ranted.

"Bucky the last thing I want is for you to leave town." You said honestly. "And I don't want you to quit your job for a few reasons, you like what you do, you're good at it and without you I'd fail but the last one is a bit selfish." You said and Bucky final smiled a bit.

"I don't know if we can be friends..." Bucky said sadly.

"Why?" You asked trying not to sound hurt.

"I'm your teacher." Bucky said harshly.

"Wasn't our excuse: we were friends before I became your student?" You said trying not to get tears in your eyes, you knew you'd never date him but you hoped you could stay friends, and now he didn't even want to be your friend?

"But I'm into you, I want to kiss you again, and I shouldn't want to, but if I met you any other way, if you weren't my student, I would've used every line I know, I would be the best smooth talker in the world, I'd do anything just for you to go on one date with me so do you understand why I can't be your teacher why I can't be your friend?" Bucky said in a rant his voice filled with desperation and pain. You didn't say anything you reacted on impulse and leaned on and kissed him. The kiss started off slow and when Bucky realised you wanted him as much as he wanted you it began to get hot and messy, it was just as you imagined except with the addition of his scruffy beard. Somehow the two of you were making out on the couch now with Bucky on top of you his arms on either side of you and your arms around him with one of your hands in his hair. Your make out session got abruptly cut short when there was a loud knock on the door. "If I ignore it they'll go away." Bucky said inches away from your mouth before continuing to make out with you but another knock followed. Bucky sighed standing up and you laughed at the situation. "Should I like hide or stay here? Or what do I do?" You whispered as Bucky checked who it is and you saw his eyes widen. "Hide. It's Steve. Go in the bedroom." Bucky whispered pointing to the bedroom and you went to hide. It looked exactly the same as the last time you were in there you decided to just sit down on the bed and wait for Steve to leave, however Steve was seeming to take his time or Bucky forgot about you, to make sure you decided to actually pay attention to their conversation. "You sound like you're trying to get rid of me bud." You heard Steve say.

"I'm not I promise Steve I'm fine." Bucky replied.

"You've been in this apartment since you kissed Y/N feeling sorry for yourself because you have a crush on a student news flash she probably is into you! So just talk to her like I told you to do before this whole kiss fiasco!" You heard Steve say in a very leader like voice, there was a few seconds of silence before Bucky spoke again.

"Why would you think she likes me?" Bucky asked as if he's genuinely asking. That dick.

"Well I don't know, she deals with your shit I mean the million times you acted like a dick and she never held a grudge, remember Dot would ignore you till you apologised and it would always be a fight, the two of you at Bruce's party was the cutest thing ever and she came to me asking if you are okay, asking why you aren't coming to work, knowing that you're faking it." Steve explained and you cursed him for outing you like that to Bucky. "Look she doesn't take any of your shit. I can't believe I just said that but it's the only way you'll understand. She doesn't, but she still cares for you so much, when you were walking away from her at the cinema she bought you M&Ms not to make you walk her home but to make you happier. And if you don't speak up and tell her how you feel I will." Steve finished his rant and you couldn't help but to laugh slightly to yourself over this whole situation. You couldn't hear anything for a bit and then you heard footsteps approach the door so you panicked and hid on the floor next to the bed pulling a blanket over yourself. "Wow you're great at hiding." Bucky said laughing and pulling the blanket off you.

"I panicked." You said and Bucky laughed. "So what did Steve want?" You asked.

"He wanted me to tell you that I like you." Bucky said stretching out his hand to you to help you up.

"So how do we do this?" You asked honestly.

"That's what I'm trying to figure out." Bucky said honestly the two of you going to sit down at the kitchen island to talk.

"Okay let's break it down. So we're dead if the school finds out we're dating..." You began.

"And we're dead if we don't tell our friends, Steve will kill me just for me hiding you today." Bucky said honestly. "Want anything to drink?" Bucky said opening the fridge.

"Water please." You replied. "Boring." Bucky remarked and you scoffed. "Anyway," you said making a big deal of changing back the subject. "Maybe we only tell the people we can definitely trust, like our closest friends and tell them not to tell anyone." You said and Bucky agreed.

"I think we should cut down how much time we spend with each other around town, because before if anyone said anything we genuinely were just friends and we can't play that card anymore." Bucky said and you agreed but feeling a bit sad because you loved spending time with Bucky and doing things and it will suck to be stuck indoors together all the time.

"No PDA, but that's a given, and maybe it may be a good idea to change the contact names for each other in our phones because one text message seen by the wrong person can cause this to all come crashing down." You said and Bucky agreed.

"What's your middle name?" Bucky asked pulling out his phone.

"(Middle/ Name), why?" You asked.

"Okay I have you saved as M/N." Bucky said changing the contact.

"Well I already have you saved as your middle name so that doesn't work, and I can't use your first name because that's also obvious." You said.

"Yeah, oh use Grant." Bucky said and you have him a confused look. "Steve's middle name." Bucky explained. "Oh okay." You said changing the name.

"So do you have anywhere to be right now?" Bucky asked.

"Nope my professor didn't come in all week so I have no work to do." You said making him chuckle.

"Wow good on him so that means you can stay here a bit longer and watch a movie or something?" Bucky asked.

" I would love that." You said with a smile sitting down next to him to watch a film and cuddling up into his side.

Part 9 | More stuff I wrote

Tags (send me an ask or message and I’ll add you):@iconictaurus@whosmarisaaarw@grayxswan@sideeffectsofyou @alt-er-love-er-alt

#james buchanan barnes #bucky x reader #teacher!bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #tony stark #dad!tony #Steve Rogers #natasha romanov #peter parker #student x teacher

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imcynfinite · 6 years

Text

Mask On. Fuck it, Mask Off.

Two things have been circling my head over the past two weeks since I decided to take a “leave” from Twitter.

One is the character we play: The Mask. The other is the person we refuse to take care of: The Inner Child. Both showed up during two different settings of therapy that I attend twice every week. And the way they both changed my perspectives this week and going forward is something I really want to not only live and embody, but also document here. I think my findings are worth the record, if not for me, then for anyone else who may need it.

For now, we’ll talk about The Mask. In my next post, we’ll talk about The Inner Child. They both go hand in hand, but... let’s take it bit by bit.

I grew this need to be...silent within the last week of March. Aside from a few of my favorite tarot readers advising that April is a great month for Virgos to take a step back, be still and quiet, and passive in a way where I don’t place myself in atmospheres that literally don’t call for my presence, I just grew tired. I don��t enjoy social media very much anymore. There are gains, for sure, but not the gains that I realized I need in my life right now. Perhaps before, yes. But I’m growing at a speed I sometimes can’t keep up with at times but am excited to chase and understand. And over the past few weeks, social media seems like the last place I need to place myself in to enjoy this growth.

There’s this performative blandness blanketing the social apps. We converse in circles, we scrutinize and judge, we point fingers and regulate growth, and we turn natural parts of growing up into trends. We perform, consistently, and when you peep game at a moment in your life where you see how engulfing yourself in such theatrics makes you question your identity... the one you've been working so hard to develop after remaining stagnant during crucial years of building said development because of a 6 year relationship you thought was more important than you? You can’t take it.

Please note, this isn’t me judging anyone for being a part of this social movement. I am no better than you; I have and will take part in parts of it. What I’m speaking of is me being able to see it for what it is and realize that at THIS VERY MOMENT, I don’t feel like performing. I want to take off my costume and give attention to the person behind it. And this is where The Mask comes in.

Jim Carrey has changed in a way that many people don’t recognize. A comedian who has done the greatest job making us laugh for years because he’s always in character has stopped playing. And what we now see is someone who knows very well that playing a character didn’t assist in aiding the Inner Child in him that wanted to be accepted, contrary to his belief. Taking off the Mask did.

In November 2017, I watched this documentary on Netflix based on Jim’s time playing legendary comedian Andy Kaufman in the film, “Man on the Moon.” We got to witness Jim transform into Andy by playing him 24/7. Sunrise to sunset. Playing the person that Andy was.

I loved this doc for capturing this phenomenal and almost scary illustration of soul possession (because Jim believes Andy’s soul possessed him; that during this movie, he was not himself. It was Andy the whole time) and doing whatever it takes to run from yourself.

This was one of my favorite quotes:

“Every time you open your mouth, you learn something about yourself. Especially when you play characters because when you improvise, the choices you make are very revealing of who you are. Because there really is nothing in there but the truth.

Where did this character come from? What is the dirt that the pearl is built around? And the pearl is the personality you build around yourself as a protection against that thought, ‘If they ever find out that I’m worthless... If they ever find out that I’m not enough... I’ll be destroyed.’”

– Jim Carrey, “Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond”

What Jim is talking about is The Mask.

The Mask is what you build to do the jig that brings you the thing The Inner Child in you desires and needed but doesn’t know how to ask for. The Mask is the costume you put on for the performance that gives you the energy you need to perform that gives you another day to survive in a world where being yourself isn’t good enough. The Mask is the face that people like and that you wish you could be so that The Inner Child could just leave you alone.

The Mask is a lie we wish we didn’t have to pretend. And every time we wake up and put it on, we secretly dread ourselves and the world for making us do it. That throws us down a rabbit hole of anxiety and depression, because the more we hide, the more afraid we are of people finding out what’s behind it. Because we HATE what’s behind it. We’re AFRAID of it. We think it’s the problem because it’s stopping us from BEING The Mask. Because we have The Mask to put on; it’s something that isn’t absorbed into our every fiber.

Last week, I was talking to my therapist about my issues with men and dating. That I’m reluctant to date because I’m afraid to attract “my type” that I’ve come to terms with aren’t good for me: men that need nurturing. I told her I’m good at nurturing. I know how to do it well, and I know that’s a part of the problem.

My therapist tilted her head to the left and squinted her eyes a bit. Her two fingers drummed the bottom of her lip and she stared at me with a slight concern, or perhaps curiosity. And then she said something that really took me out:

“How do you know you’re truly nurturing?”

I was a bit confused, but I’ve learned to process what she tells me before letting my ego, Ruby, defend herself. I thought about it for a bit, and replied, “Well... people have always told me that I’m very affectionate and affirming and kind. And that they always know that they can come to me for that. And, I know that that’s what I like to be for others. Especially men. I like being that person for men.”

“...but, why?”

I was confused again. But this time, I didn’t reply. After a small pause in the air, she continued.

“See... I think that’s the problem. That story you’re telling yourself, that you’re good at nurturing. How do you know that? Because in all of our sessions... in the three years we’ve gotten to know each other, it sounds like you WANT to be nurtured and cared for. You want to be with someone tender. So you...give it. Unfortunately, to men who don’t know how to be. But how can you give what you don’t receive, thus never truly knowing what it really is?”

That conversation really shook me. I considered her words, of course. I don’t have to take every single thing my therapist says as fact. But she hasn’t steered me wrong in all of our three years together, and this made sense to me. How, exactly, was I nurturing? And if I was, was it genuine?

I began looking at the ways I communicate with people, the ways in which I feel deep down this small wheel being turned to find the best way to affirm, compliment, or brighten someone. I paid attention to what that feeling feels like, and that it’s come up MANY times before, but because I turn the wheel so often and as a way to seek approval from the person I’m affirming, I’ve learned to ignore the feeling of it churning as something to pay attention to as unnatural to how I really and truly may want to react.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy the act of telling someone they look cute, or they’re doing a great job, and etc. I really do. I don’t think that’s something I’d ever lose within me. But I do understand that there are moments when I use this gift as a tool of manipulation to appear as the exception. To appear as the person worthy of being needed. To appear as different than the world, especially if this person predominately knows being turned away from the person they needed the most.

It’s a little sick when I think about it. And it makes sense why I attracted the men I did. Men who liked the performance of nurturing I gave so they could keep performing victimhood. And, it’s not just men, of course. With friends and people I don’t really know, as well. I’ve comforted others that love to be victims and don’t want to learn how to hold themselves accountable in so many ways. And The Mask I wear to move in this world because I think I’m not good enough has been a crutch. I’ve questioned myself in so many ways as to why this and that happened to me even WITH The Mask on, confused when it doesn’t work the way I want. I question who I am with The Mask off, and then I sink into a wallow fest.

There have been times where I was hurt by people (men especially) when I saw past their mask and they couldn’t handle it. They would hurt me for even having the audacity to do that, especially because they were trying so hard to be that mask. And I think that’s the sad part.

If we were more aware of The Mask... if we understood what it looked like, when and why we wear it, and that it exists... I think we’d be better. I think we’d, eventually, realize that The Mask is too much work to put and keep on, that wearing it in the hopes of it merging with our soul and flesh is pointless. Because, honestly.

What if The Mask isn’t you? What if you’re not meant to BE The Mask? What if what’s under it is so much better, because it’s real? Sure, it may be messy.

It may be judgmental.

It may be selfish.

It may be defensive.

It may be bad at this.

It may be ugly to some.

But, it may be so much more. And though you can’t change every single thing about you, there are some things you can when you realize this way of reacting doesn’t serve you. You won’t need to put The Mask on to overcome it. That pain inside? The person you are that you hate without The Mask, is someone extraordinary as themselves but who wasn’t told that. Who was told, in many ways, they have to be this and that to be accepted?

Some of The Masks we wear were created by others. Sometimes, by the people we love the most. By the people who should have been helping us enjoy being in the buff instead of aiding in creating the mask. And that’s where The Inner Child comes in. That child was not told that they didn’t need a mask to move in the world. They were told that who they are is something people didn’t need to see, and the person that told them brought the supplies to create the farce.

And though we know it to a certain degree, The Mask is too good. The rewards, most times temporary, are better than learning how to love The Inner Child the way they needed to be loved before the development of The Mask started. Some people have clung to The Mask so hard because of so much trauma and so much time alone to build themselves without guidance and love, that building a hard exterior for The Mask was the next necessary step.

I’m currently in a place where I'm learning what The Mask I created looks like, and most importantly, who am I without it. In a world like this, I believe you may need one from time to time. Not everything is catered for you to function in. But, I think if you create The Mask in a way that is utilized for very specific and non-threatening reasons, and if you’re very aware that that’s what this is, then there isn’t much of a problem with it. If you can spend time with The Inner Child, gradually giving them what they need, you won’t DEPEND on The Mask to live as you please.

The dependency is where we fault.

And on social media, there are way too many instances where The Mask is utilized. Where the option of curation is too good. I don’t believe this will be good for this growth I’m going through. I’m still in the beginning phases, where at a certain point, I can and will master both sides, or simply adjust to my growth where I can control it all...

But one thing is for sure. The Mask isn’t me. And if I have to get down to the parts of me I’m ashamed or afraid of to enjoy walking in the buff, I will do it.

I’m committed to free myself. Are you?

#blog

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