In Which I Cry Some More About Tragic Siblings

Heads up that this post WILL contain spoilers up through FP 248 so do NOT read this if you don't want to be spoiled!!!!! But in light of 248, I have some strong convictions about Nol and Kousuke's future (like, way future lol) relationship and where we might see them head.

We've been talking a lot on the ILY discord server about family - especially in light of the confirmation that the long-fabled theory that Rand isn't Kousuke's father is coming to light, in terms of what does this mean for their relationship and how do we define family. There feels like, amongst all the other running themes lol, to be a running theme about family and how it isn't necessarily defined by blood.

We see this in how it's clear that Rand seems to have had suspicions about Kousuke's parentage for a while and that it feels like he's only acting on them now in need of a bargaining chip, but that he's always treated Kousuke as his son regardless of whether or not he fathered Kousuke. We've seen how despite believing that Kousuke and Nol share blood they could not force a brotherly bond to form between them, even though Rand had so hoped one would. And though it's not a territory we've had a chance to explore yet, I think we'll get to explore it with Shinae and her own estranged sister, and may see that blood cannot define family, especially when you have been estranged and are virtually strangers.

The conversation leading to this thought was essentially that while Shinae and Shinhye may be (potentially half) sisters, quimchee has given some vague hints that they may not be able to forge a relationship in the future, whether it's because Shinhye is dishonest or is involved with shady dealings or other circumstances, it feels like there may be a narrative that despite sharing blood, you can't force family. Shinhye is not a person that Shinae grew up with and though a part of her longed for her family to be reunited and whole once more, they grew up apart and into separate people, and who Shinhye has grown into may be incompatible with her, may not be someone who can mesh with her.

This feels like it parallels - and especially as a foil - heavily with Nol and Kousuke who everyone has believed are related and have been forced to act as siblings but absolutely cannot, due to the paranoia and fear that is so deeply ingrained in Kousuke. And it feels even more inverted - Shinae and Shinhye who share blood but grew up apart, compared to Nol and Kousuke who share no blood and were pushed to be a family. It feels like there's a theme here about how family is what you make of it - that family can certainly be the people to whom you're related by blood, but sometimes they are found family. Sometimes they are the people you call your family, regardless of your shared blood.

Rand may not have fathered Kousuke, and we don't know for how long he's had his suspicions about his parentage, but we do know that he has always treated him as his son. I know that people will jump on the weird take about how "That's why Rand was always so distant from Kousuke" as if not being the blood relative to Kousuke could ever justify being an absent father - as if Yui wasn't busy orchestrating Rand's absence. Not that I say the blame is solely on Yui, but we also know that Rand has shown the inclination to wanting to play his role as Kousuke's parent and we've seen plenty enough to know that Yui has meddled.

The point is: Rand loves Kousuke, and his distance in Kousuke's life has never been that he doesn't feel that Kousuke is his and therefore he can't love him. Plenty of people are step-parents to children they love as their own, because that's what family is. Plenty of people adopt children they love as much as if they'd birthed them themselves. This narrative of "he can't connect with someone he didn't father" is gross and disgusting and more over, the narrative has shown that was never the case.

And with this thinking, even though we are at a point where Nol is casting people from his life and appears to be heading into his revenge arc, my conviction feels stronger than ever that we will see some kind of reconciliation between Nol and Kousuke, because the theme of "family is what you make of it" just feels so strong, and the potential foil to Shinae and her own sister. That's not to say that Nol would ever entirely forgive Kousuke and they would suddenly be the partners in crime they could have been as much as I feel like part of Nol's narrative is that he is going to find himself in Kousuke's shoes. He already is well on his way, with his interaction with Alyssa, thinking of her hickeys as the result of cheating. Years from now he, too, will have his Kousuke moment of horror when he finds out what was happening to Alyssa, how she got those marks, what she meant when she told him it was "just business" and he will realize how he cast her away when she came to him in her desperate time of need, as Kousuke did to him before. Something else I'd like to talk about when I'm in the headspace to write about it is how Nol's revenge arc will very likely parallel what may be Yui's origins (stream episode 7 of ILY Tea with Trashellie if you don't want to wait for me to write it lmao) which may bring him to a point of understanding how Kousuke ended up where he did - how fear and anger drive and consume you.

What this is getting at really is just to say: I think we might see a future where Nol will be able to face Kousuke and say that he understands. It doesn't undo their past, it doesn't make up for what was lost, or what was done. But I think there is something so important in Nol being able to get that distance and understand, to see how Kousuke, too, was a victim, how his innocent needs were preyed upon and how his hunger for his father's love turned starvation coupled with the deep-seated paranoia and fear lead him to the desperate lengths it did. I think there's going to come a time where Nol will be pulled back from crossing a line and understand.

We already see that Kousuke shows so much shame and, I think remorse, for the things he has done. So much guilt. He knows there was no justification - what he thought justified his actions was all lies, was all manipulation. The mentality that they are different, the paranoia his mother cultivated in him that he used to distance himself from others, that isolated him from others because who could he trust but her - and she, it turned out, was the worst of them all. And while Nol is not ready to hear Kousuke's regrets or apologies, because it's too little too late right now, I think in the future, when he's been consumed, or maybe when he's healed, when he's had enough distance, when he's been able to step back far enough to see that in the end, they both were victims, they were both children who had SO MUCH stolen from them, that even if they couldn't then, maybe now they can start over.

I don't think it's going to be a fairytale ending. I don't think they can be the brothers I want them to be. Kousuke's wounds cut too deep and Nol is too raw from them but I think that's why I see it as starting over. They are different people, have had so much stolen from each other, have lost so much (and will continue to).

But I believe more than ever that they will reconcile. The bridge imagery has always been there and has made me feel this so strongly, but I feel like the family themes make me feel it even more strongly - this sense that they may not share blood after all, but that isn't what makes you family. Sometimes family is a choice. It's choosing to be there for each other. It's choosing to care. It's choosing to love. It doesn't depend on blood - it just depends on depending, doesn't it?

Stop im rewatching why dan is leaving me bc of ur post theyre so disgustingly domestic i adore them

sometimes i watch that video just to feel something

"I only thought you might want to leave your comrades with a heroic, selfless image..." / "I did spare you the pain of damning them openly." (Endgame: Grima, depending on whether you choose no/yes to "Submit to Grima?") and "You know, the man/woman who used to control this body loved your father. He/She would have died to protect Chrom. And in sending Chrom away just now, his/her spirit has finally perished." (The Future Past 3) hit so much harder when you look at them together. When you realize that Grima is just repeating the same trick. When you remember that everyone in the original timeline believed Robin betrayed Chrom.

Once you see it, you really can't unsee it. Despite imposing their will on the past to force fate to stay the same, there was clearly ONE thing Grima very much wanted to change.

Don't mind me, I'm just sobbing about Grima again 😭😭😭😭

When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

New stills from Q26 of iQIYI and YYDS’s My Stand-In (2024), dir. Pepzi Banchorn Vorasataree & Khom Kongkiat Khomsiri

re-watching the bear with mom bc it's finally out legally and we got to ep 6 today and oh my god honestly the way mikey and richie talk about claire is somehow worse than i remembered. the chubby girl who you likedd when she was ugly is now acceptably fuckable (to our standards) so you should really go fuck her and be a normal guy, carmen!! say 2 adults who are definitely not in healthy relationships and who only want carmen to get with claire so they can......what....... stop being uncomfortable with him not being like them? not have to worry about a possibility of carm being gay?

Hi my love, yes I need to talk to someone about that first kiss in the van and I see you're awake before 7am and losing it over that scene, so here I am. Listen. Mickey decided to be brave. Because he wanted to keep that dorky rotc boy all to himself. So he kissed him. For the first time! His first time kissing him! His first time kissing a boy! Maybe his first time kissing anyone?? Omg. Do you think he planned it, or do you think it was spontaneous? Do you think maybe he was like "I'll feel it out when we get there" or did he have a game plan and know exactly how he was going to have the others distracted so he could do it? Holy shit imagine the butterflies in his stomach? How weak in the knees he must've felt? But he did it! It must have felt so good! And so scary! And then Ian makes the softest, happiest face! Because he caught him by surprise! I need to lie down!

the way i literally had your blog pulled up about to message you something along the lines of "thanks for the OG van kiss brain rot at 7am" BUT HERE YOU ARE comin' at me with EVEN MORE FEELS this fine saturday morning!!

mickey is the bravest boy in the world. he's so courageous in so many ways but in this moment? their first kiss? HIS first kiss?? BEYOND brave 🥺 that's my personal headcanon, that this was his first kiss with anyone. and it makes me fucking sob bc what better first kiss to have than one with someone you're head over fucking heels for?? even if it ends in chaos?? i don't think he ever trusted anyone the way he trusts ian, the way he feels so safe with him in a way that's new and unfamiliar and terrifying and invigorating. it's unlikely, in my mind, that he would ever trust anyone else with anything so intimate and personal. maybe not as he aged, but definitely in this moment.

i think he planned it in the same way someone "plans" for a fight. you know you'll be there, you know they'll be there, and you know what's about to go down but you have no way of knowing exactly what's going to happen. because maybe they'll surprise you. or even better, maybe you'll surprise yourself. and i think that's what he did! surprised himself! because i know he woke up that morning realizing he may have a chance to prove ian wrong - that he isn't afraid to kiss him - and decided to take it if the opportunity presented itself. i don't think he knew the logistics of it. i think he just knew that it was something he needed to do, something he wanted to do, and the next time he saw a chance, he'd take it. and he saw his chance!! and he took it!! and it was beautiful and wonderful and life-changing and earth-tilting and reality-shifting and all the incredible things 😭

and ian's little face? his soft little smile? the way his brain is fully offline in that moment just sparking back to life and realizing that yeah, YEAH, that just fucking happened?!? can you IMAGINE the butterflies both of them felt? i'm imagining it and getting butterflies myself in that nostalgic puppy love kind of way 🥹

thank you. thank you for the brain rot. give me 32 hours and i'll be by your side, on the floor, face in the carpet, wailing. because that's exactly how bonkers these two little fools make me. make US. good lord. i am simply overcome 😭

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if one more well meaning relative asks me if i have done any drawing recently i will start screaming and flip a table 🤪🙃

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i'm annoyed by one (1) irritating noise coming from my neighbors' apartment. i'm going to relocate to a coffeeshop full of people and sit right next to a noisy machine.

I have made my peace with being forgotten

and yet you think of me.

I have made my peace with being unloved

and yet you continue to try.

I have made my peace with this silence

and yet your knuckles rap at my door.

I have made my peace with letting go

but you continue to hold on.

what do you think of me?

what do you love?

who do you speak to?

what are you holding onto?

is it me you perceive?

or a shape of something you thought was real

created from dreams and wishes and the promise of a thousand people before you.

If I have another breakdown at work tomorrow like I did the last time I worked a Saturday I'm going to kill myself because last time I screamed in the hallway and cried so hard I was shaking because of how stressed I was.

i hope all my friends who i don't talk to as much as i wish i did know they're constantly in my thoughts

Not to Dracula post on main again but Mina and Jonathan Harker are breaking my heart. They are in love. They are also in a horror story. Every new moment is sweet but tragic and I am here for it.

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