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hvilested · 3 years

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Are You a Maladaptive Daydreamer? Here’s How to Quit

Tess in the City

Are you a maladaptive daydreamer? Keep reading. / Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

What Is Maladaptive Daydreaming?

Maladaptive daydreaming is a psychiatric response, often due to trauma. The trend seems to be that it’s a survival technique/coping mechanism that is essentially extreme escapism. Identified by Professor Eliezer Somer, maladaptive daydreaming creates a space where people can escape into their minds while sometimes simultaneously becoming trapped by the coping mechanism which has become maladaptive meaning “not providing adequate or appropriate adjustment to the environment or situation.”

Some of the signifiers that you might be a maladaptive daydreamer; you:

Daydream for many minutes or hours in a way that interrupts your everyday tasks and intrudes upon you actually living.

Find daydreaming a compulsive habit that’s automatic and addictive.

Make facial expressions, pace, mutter, whisper, voice imaginary conversations aloud, cry, or laugh reacting to what you’ve imagined.

Create storybook worlds where you’ve devised all the characters and play them out in your head.

Recycle characters from books, TV shows, or real people from your real life to populate your fantasies.

Are kept awake at night by your daydreams.

Note: Not all of these are necessary to be a maladaptive daydreamer. Frequently, maladaptive daydreamers have a combination of many of the above. What makes maladaptive daydreaming harmful is if it’s intruding upon your day-to-day life and if it’s addictive.

Professor Somer developed the Maladaptive Daydreaming Scale (MDS) which allows daydreamers to rate the severity of their symptoms and gauge the intensity of their daydreams, their ability to control their daydreaming as well as the compulsivity of it as a behavior, the amount of distress they feel by intrusive daydreaming, their perceived benefits of daydreaming, and how much daydreaming impacts their ability to carry out every day activities.

How Do You Interrupt or Quit Maladaptive Daydreaming?

Get to the roots. Treat the trauma. Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

Start Treating the Underlying Trauma

This might not be the quickest method to stop maladaptive daydreaming, but it might be the most effective longterm method. If unhappy daydreamers are more content in their fantasy realms than their everyday life, then it’s important to reflect on why that is. Since maladaptive daydreaming does seem to be linked to trauma in many cases, it makes sense to get to the root of its origins, and treat the trauma. Maladaptive daydreamers can turn to therapy, trauma release exercises you can find on YouTube (the best trauma experts of our time know that trauma needs to be released from the physical body, and it’s best to do this in conjunction with talk therapy and other methods), EMDR, trauma release yoga, other somatic exercises, medication as needed, dance, laughter, community, cognitive behavior therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, healthy dietary changes, abstinence from alcohol and drugs, positive affirmations, positive psychology, spiritualism, and joyous and healthy behaviors. Many trauma survivors who learn to live beyond what’s happened to them use multiple techniques to re-align with their wellbeing.

Identify and Reduce Triggers

It’s important to identify your triggers. When do you start maladaptive daydreaming? Is there a specific time period you usually do it? Do specific tasks like brushing your teeth, listening to music, or taking walks seem to initiate daydreams? Do you find the daydreams are more encompassing when you’re isolated, scared, sad, tired, happy, hungry, energetic? Limit any triggers, and if you do have specific triggers that are unavoidable, use some of the techniques below to interrupt the flow into daydreaming. Remember: just because something has historically triggered you doesn’t mean it has to forever.

Have Direct Open Dialogues with Yourself

Instead of talking to an imagined person in your head, be direct with yourself. You can do this aloud, or in your head, or on paper. Recently as I started getting into a loop, I paused and asked aloud “Do you want to live in your head or in the present?” and then I laughed. I closed the drawer I had left open from some other task, stood up, and returned to this article. Remember to be kind to yourself. Be silly as you correct course. It doesn’t have to be the end of the world that this is one of your challenges. We all develop tools and techniques that allow us to survive, and if they become maladaptive, hopefully, we replace them with healthier coping mechanisms. The fact that you’re reading this article means you’re on course to do just that!

Just because something has historically triggered you doesn’t mean it has to forever. / Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

Switch Gears Into Analytic Action

If you can successfully switch gears into an analytic action, then you may be able to keep yourself there or at least cut the daydreaming short for awhile. According to National Geographic, daydreaming requires the empathetic part of your brain, and engaging with that part of your brain actually disconnects you from the analytical part of your brain (which helps you make reasoned decisions and focus on cognitive tasks, like getting work done). When executive functioning turns on, your empathetic part of your brain turns off and vice versa, so if you can interrupt the empathetic part even by convincing yourself to do five minutes of some task your procrastinating on, that may be enough to lodge you into that task for longer.

Count in a Foreign Language or Recite a poem

Some tasks are so repetitive that they become easy daydreaming vehicles, like teeth brushing. I don’t know if counting in another language works because it interrupts the empathetic part of the brain but when I deviate a daydream while I’m brushing my teeth into specific, focused language then I short circuit the daydream. It might have to do with it also not being possible to maintain two thoughts at once. Maybe this is also why the narrating aloud technique below also works well.

Remember to be kind to yourself. Be silly as you correct course. Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

Narrate Your Actions

One of my techniques to disarming the maladaptive daydream reflex is when I feel myself drifting into another daydream, I start narrating aloud what I’m doing (first person narrative). If I’m putting things away, and I begin experiencing another place, then I might say “I’m picking up this stool. I’m moving this stool across the room. I’m folding this shirt. I’m picking up these socks.” I usually don’t have to do it for too many sentences before I begin to get more grounded in the room I’m actually in. I think it’s also important to bring yourself back to the “I.”

Track Your Time

This may sound extreme, but it works extremely well for me when I remember to do it. Tracking tasks as I’m doing them by the minute grounds me in the present. If I write 8:04AM and that I’ve begun writing next to it, and I begin writing, I might feel myself drifting off if I start playing a song or receive a text that makes me think about something else, but because I’ve already conscientiously thought about time, I’m more likely to return to my time tracking list to keep pursuing my day. So, I will try to do this as specifically as possible while writing minute details to remind myself: oh, this little task I’m doing isn’t actually what I want to be doing, or if I get lost in tasks for too long, time tracking also helps me curb that.

Example:

6:30–6:59: Woke. Brushed teeth. Read some poetry

6:59–7:27: Edited

7:27–7:39: Showered, dressed

7:39–8:44: Journaled, walked for 18 minutes with Nisaa’s book, started eating breakfast

8:44–8:52: Organized files

8:52: Coffee time!

9:00–9:20: Habit Spreadsheet

9:36–944: Ordered Paper and ink for printer :)

9:44-10:32: Work

10:32–11:15: Read

11:15–11:49: Scheduled upcoming events

11:49–1:09: Worked on literary magazine

1:09–1:28: Reviewed goals

1:29: Read

2:00–2:47: Catch up call with a friend

2:47–3:34: Updated some files

3:40–4:12: Organized papers

4:12 — 6:OO: Work

6:00— 6:40ish: Call

6:40ish-7:09: Showered

7:08–7:29: Work

7:29–8:31: Relaxation; read, listened to music.

It may seem an unreasonable way to spend your day writing tasks while you do them but so is imagining yourself in places you’re not and imagining yourself with people you’re not with. I would rather ground myself by taking some extra time to actively stay in tune with how I spend my time than not complete the tasks I really want to get that are important for my work, my writing, my existence! Some other things you might think about if you try this one: write your daily goals at the top of the page that you’re keeping track of your time on (I recommend three big daily goals like Michael Hyatt suggests). That way you’ll remember where it is you want your day to go. I don’t time track every day (I should), but I do find that even doing it for half the day helps me stay on track.

Talk to Your Doctor

Jayne Bigelson and Tina Kelley wrote an extensive piece for the Atlantic “When Daydreaming Replaces Real Life.” Within that piece, they detailed that one of the most effective medicinal treatments for maladaptive daydreaming is an OCD medication/antidepressant called Fluvoxamine. I’m not a doctor, and my first suggestion isn’t typically medication (here it’s the last), but if you’ve tried all other methods, this might be a fair road to take.

We all deserve to be present in our own lives. Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

Conclusion

Maladaptive daydreaming may feel an embarrassing thing to admit you do. I felt a little embarrassed writing this initially, but then I thought about the consequences of hiding. If what helps me can help others, how can I morally be silent? There’s no shame in identifying the methods by which you survived. Learning to be grateful and accepting of what helped you get to where you are creates more ease as you navigate your way out of these mechanisms into healthier states of being.

We live in a traumatized world, and as my therapist once said: “It’s normal to react abnormally to abnormal circumstances.”

That doesn’t mean you have to stay on that course. You can start where you are and learn a new of way of living. And, I will continue writing articles that support your wellbeing. Follow me here on Medium to stay updated on future posts around trauma, wellbeing, and writing. And please, take care of yourself.

#addiction #maladaptive daydreaming #md #mental health #trauma #ocd #intrusive thoughts #depression #stress #anxiety #imagination #be present

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allie1804-fan · 3 years

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Please Assist Me (Chapter 20)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10 , Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15 , Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19

She Said

The spectacle of an entirely speechless Keanu was one to behold when he unwrapped the test. I’d been bursting with the news since the morning before when I got the result so it had been an endurance test for me not to have anyone to share it with for over 24 hours. I knew there were long months ahead to get through but it was lovely to share the joy of this moment with him and go to sleep secure in his arms after almost a month apart.

My mind since finding out had been racing, projecting forwards to how far along I’d be by key dates like the summer holidays, Keanu finishing John Wick 4 filming, the Matrix 4 Premiere …… and I was worried about the immediate future too. I hadn’t been especially sick with either of my previous pregnancies but I had been incredibly tired. With Eva, I was doing modelling contracts but not every day so, on days off, I remember just sleeping for ages. Obviously with Miguel, I had a toddler to care for so I couldn’t nap unless she did but I sure took advantage of that time whenever I could. I was also worried about the home schooling which was really full on. How was I going to soldier on through that? And by the time Keanu would be home again, I reckoned I’d already be nearly 20 weeks along. I suppose he would at least be there as the strain on my body got greater.

I also told myself not to get ahead of myself. It was such early days and whilst I’d not suffered a miscarriage myself, I had plenty of friends who had in these early stages. And the spectre of stillbirth was also there because of Keanu’s own experience. Until this baby was here, I was sure neither of us would rest easy. I didn’t really want to share the news with the kids until the pregnancy was better established. I was pretty sure they’d be pleased but they might worry about the new baby somehow taking priority and if the worst happened, I didn’t want to have to explain about how not all babies make it to full term to an 9 and 7 year old. But I also knew friends who had kept their pregnancies secret, suffered a miscarriage and then felt they couldn’t share the pain of the loss afterwards so maybe openness was the best option with our close friends and family and maybe even the kids. I’d have to add this decision to my list of things to talk about with Keanu.

He Said

When I woke up the next morning, my first reaction was to pull the human hot water bottle in front of me into my chest, relishing being together again. And then I remembered. She wasn’t just my partner anymore but also the mother to be of my child.

A big smile spread over my face at this thought. Then worry creased my brow.

Sophia had said she reckoned she was around 8 weeks along - that left 32 roughly for anxiety and things to go wrong!

She’d managed to book a scan for before my return to New York so we’d hopefully get to see the baby, tiny dot that it would be, and get the dates confirmed.

She actually reckoned it was that amazing day in NY that we’d conceived. The dates were right and she remembered someone telling her years ago that your chances were better if the woman also climaxed when the man did as this had the effect of sucking up the sperm further with the contractions in the vagina. Who knows if there’s any truth in that but I certainly remembered the powerful sensation of being sucked into her very well!

32 weeks. Man that seemed like forever. And the dates were a little freaky too. If you calculated by her dates, then the baby was due on New Year’s Day 2021. Ava had been due in early January and was born sleeping on Christmas Eve 1999. Jen and I had conceived after being careless after a Matrix Premiere party. At least this time, there was nothing accidental about this baby and no nagging doubts about the relationship.

We’d have to tell Cheryl in case anything got leaked and then there were the kids and our families to consider. I was cautious but also remembered my therapist’s advice - the one I’d seen in my 40s after years of suppressing the processing of my trauma after Ava & Jen’s deaths. She had tried to get me to accept that worrying about things on your own was never healthy and that being hopeful that good things will come doesn’t jinx things and nor does preparing for bad things to happen stave them off magically. I rationalised that all we could do was take care, have regular check ups and try to enjoy the journey.

I know Sophia was probably more anxious than her first pregnancies, in part due to her age but also due to what had happened to me and Jen. I decided to suggest we hire some help with the home-schooling to ease the daily stresses of her life in the coming months.

And all these thoughts had gone through my mind before Sophia even woke up!

Eventually I felt her stir and she turned in my arms to give me a sleepy morning kiss

“Morning handsome”

“Morning beautiful mama”

She smiled

“Oh you’re not gonna be one of those men who reduces their partner to a mere vessel for their child are you?”

That made me chuckle.

“Naaah, but you’ll let me be a little bit excited right?” I placed my hand on her belly again.

“ Right” she said and leaned in to given me a gentle kiss which quickly deepened into something more heated. Then she pulled away and looked over at the clock.

“We don’t have time lover boy”

I groaned, but knew she was right, - it was already 5 to 7

“Hey get used to it! And Don’t worry we have tomorrow to ourselves”

I gave her a quick squeeze and just then Eva and Miguel burst into the room.

“Keanuuu” was their first cry and so the day began!

She Said

On Keanu’s first day back, it was a school day so he got to witness the transformation of my dining room into a mini classroom with each kid stationed in front of a laptop with headphones in on an off for a morning with exercises to do in-between. Luckily, although there were 5 kids, they were only spread across 2 year groups so 3 (9 year olds) had one set of exercises and 2 (the 7 year olds) had another. He helped out by listening in to the 7 year old’s lesson while I supported Eva’s year group with theirs. Miguel delighted in bragging that Duke Caboom was helping him with his addition, making Keanu give the teacher a little wave on the zoom screen.

After lunch together, Keanu sent me off for a nap and sat down to read them all some chapters of the Roald Dhal story we had started and then and got them all playing quiet games like hangman and battleships for a while. When I came in, they had just started watching “Up”. I tried to suggest an alternative but it was too late and they were all set on it. I mean, I love that movie but I had a feeling Keanu wouldn’t have seen it before and he wouldn’t be expecting one of the early moments. I was proved right when he made a rapid exit to the kitchen when that scene played out and I followed him to make sure he was alright.

He was leaning over the sink, trying to pull himself together and I slipped my arms around him, whispering.

“It will be OK darling, we’ll take all the care in the world to keep this baby safe and well, I promise! We just have to take it one day at a time”

He turned then and held me close and didn’t speak for a few more minutes, stifling a couple of sobs against my shoulder. When he’d got himself a bit more together, he pulled back and looked at me, eyes a little red from crying. He let about a shaky breath before speaking.

“Sorry - that just took me by surprise and, it was, it was like all my worries in the few hours since finding out were playing out on the screen and it was “ he shook his head. “It’s just a bit overwhelming how much I want this baby with you and how horrifying the prospect of losing them is”

“I know sweetheart, me too, me too and I tried to get them to pick another movie but they were already set on it!”

“Yeah, I’d heard good things but I didn’t know the detail.”

“It’s wonderful, you should see it through for the pay off!”

He Said

That evening as we were both slumped on the sofa, exhausted from the 5 kid day, I told Sophia my thought about getting her some support with the home-schooling. I thought she might be all “superwoman” about it but she admitted to finding it gruelling even today with my support and a little nap.

“I just can’t describe how energy sapping it is being pregnant. It’s not like I’m doing anything out of the ordinary but “

“Hold it hold it, you’re growing a human being, don’t call it nothing out of the ordinary!”

“You know what I mean! And women have been doing this for thousands of years at the same time as tilling the land or working in a factory. Getting help does seem a bit ridiculous but at the same time, I so want it! What do you think the others will think?”

“What Julie and Miranda?”

“Yeah. I mean are they going to feel I’m cheating or something!”

“Not if you explain why ......”

“Yeah, about that. How do you feel about telling people?”

“Weeeell” I rubbed my chin thinking it over. “There are pros and cons right? I’m probably pro on balance because I think being open is probably better mental health wise. I don’t know about the kids. I mean it would be hard if you told them and ....

“And something went wrong ..... like in ‘Up’?”

“Yeah like in ‘Up’.” I squeezed her hand remembering earlier.

“I mean, actually maybe ‘Up’ is the answer. They’ve watched it before and I think we had a little chat about that scene the first time around so ....”

“Ok, so let’s go for it”

“Ok, Tomorrow if the scan is ok, deal?”

The next day, we drove together to the hospital but I dropped Sophia off first just so we wouldn’t be making an entrance together. We were also both masked up and I wore a beanie so hopefully we’d escaped any opportunist paps.

The wait was brief in the obgyn waiting area thankfully and we went in having a brief chat first to confirm when Sophia’s last period was etc before she was asked to lie down for the scan.

I gripped her hand - I don’t know which of us was more nervous!

The screen showed a cone shape black area which was the uterus as revealed by the ultrasound waves and then there was a tiny circle which flashed in and out of view - the doctor explained that was the heartbeat.

We each had tears of joy rolling down our faces.

The doctor left for a few minutes while Sophia wiped away the jelly and got dressed again. I pulled her up for a kiss, still choked up.

“Thank you”

“No Thank you!” was her reply.

She Said

After the relief of the scan, we made the next appointment for the end of the first trimester which Keanu was aiming to fly back for. Then we headed home, with me meeting Keanu in the car park rather than walking out together, again hoping to avoid any stalking paps. We picked up some lunch from a deli and headed back home. After our meal, Keanu sent me to take a nap – he had some e mails to catch up on regarding the upcoming shoot schedule and he could see that the visit had taken it out of me. I snoozed for a couple of hours, waking to find Keanu had joined me and was spooning me with his arm slung around me, hand on my belly again. I didn’t mind him being possessive of it!

I stretched and slowly turned round to see if he was sleeping too but he quickly opened his eyes.

“Hey, is that better?”

“uh huh – I needed that thanks”

“How long do we have before we have to fetch the kids?”

“What time is it?”

“Nearly 3”

“OK, well we have an hour and a half”

“time to show you how much I’ve missed you he said in a low voice, while softly stroking my breasts through my t-shirt, that OK?”

“mmmm more than OK”

We had slow, gentle sex and I delighted in the fact that we could vary from the intense, the jokey, gentle or wild when it came to sex, whatever felt right and this soft focus version was just what I needed right then, being in the unenergetic pregnant state that I was with tender breasts and erratic emotions.

Over at Julie’s we left the kids to play in the garden for a while and we embarked on telling her our news and the plan to get a tutor to help me with home-schooling on my days. Luckily she was both delighted at our news and happy with the tutor plan. I promised to keep her and Miranda involved with the process and then we headed home with the kids being the next ones to receive the news once we’d eaten dinner.

He Said

As dinner plates were cleared away, we told the kids to stay put as we had some news. Sophia was the one to tell them that she was going to have a baby so they would hopefully have a baby brother or sister in the New Year.

Eva was attuned to the language and quickly asked

“Why only hopefully?”

“Well, right now I’m pregnant, you know that word right? And the baby is very, very small, just developing and growing. And sometimes babies don’t develop right and so there isn’t a baby in the end. Do you remember that happened to Ellie and Carl in “Up”? Hopefully everything will be just fine and the doctors and Keanu will be looking after me really well but I can’t promise you, OK?

“But I don’t want you to be sad like Carl and Ellie” Eva’s eyes had already filled with tears.

“Me either” Miguel whined.

I could see Sophia’s lip quavering too and swung into action, standing up and lifting first Miguel and then Eva to stand on their chairs which I pulled near to me.

“Come on Sophia, over here for a group hug.”

So we all stood together and hugged them close while I repeated what Sophia had said.

“We all want this little baby to come, I know and like Mom said, I am going to look after her and the doctors and you two too and everything should be absolutely fine, OK so try not to worry and just be super helpers to your Mom while she has all this work to do, looking after you two OK?”

They both solemnly nodded.

“Can we have a brother?” Miguel asked excitedly?

“Now that I definitely can’t guarantee!” I said laughing. You don’t get to choose if it’s a boy or a girl”

“What do you want?”

“It doesn’t matter to me one little bit – just a healthy brother or sister for you two.

The mood had lifted at last though I could tell it had been hard on Sophia.

She Said

After the kids had gone to bed, the tears I’d had to hold in when we were telling them about the baby flooded out.

“Tough huh?” Keanu said after I’d stopped crying and dried my eyes.

“You know it was less about the baby and more just their loss of innocence. It reminded me of how I felt when my parents told me they were getting a divorce. I guess it’s the moment when you realise life isn’t all candy bars and unicorns!”

“Yeah I know but look how strong and resilient you are now - it was tough but it will help them in the long run. A dose of reality isn’t necessarily a bad thing”

“Yeah but the look on Eva’s face broke my heart a little bit!”

“I know, but what a lovely, loving little girl - what she said about not wanting you to be sad like Carl and Ellie …..”

“Stop it, you’ll make me cry again!”

“Well that’s not hard!”

“Shudup you, you!”

“What?”

“You gorgeous lovely man, I guess!”

@fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithk’eanu @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @fics-not-tragedies @ficsnroses @keanureevesisbae @penwieldingdreamer @witty-wallflower @paperplanesandwallflowers @bitchyslut99 @ladyreapermc @toomanystoriessolittletime @fanficsrusz @keanuficfiles @bitchyslut99

#keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves fanfiction #keanu #keanu reeves #romance with boss

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manumigoya · 3 years

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A regular guy’s experience with a military graded phone and why you might want one

The Ulefone Armor 7 Pro is a smartphone designed for adventurers, construction workers and people who are routinely exposed to conditions that would endanger most modern devices. I’m not any of those things, but I still think it was the right choice for me, and it might just suit you too.

What use has a normal guy like me for a phone built to withstand such extreme conditions? I’m no couch potato, I regularly ride my bike to work and back, enjoy the occasional trekking and camping trip and walk around my city a fair bit. Even so, that is a far cry from the kind of person this phone was designed for.

After all, the Ulefone Armor X7 Pro has a IP-68 and a MIL-STD-810G rating, which means it can literally survive for a day buried under a meter of concrete, withstand half an hour under 1.5 meters of water, its completely sealed to dust or sand, and a bunch of other characteristics you can read about here. Essentially, it’s build to last.

About this review

This article is not intended to be a thorough technical review of the phone, but rather a list of reasons why I think it might suit you even if you are not the intended target for it. Therefore I will only go through some of the most important specs, highlighting what I personally consider relevant.

If you wish to know the full technical details you can visit the official Ulefone site or search for a traditional review. If you wish to skip to my conclusion, where I explain why this is also a great phone for normal users, scroll to the end.

Ulefone Armor 7 Pro specs

CPU: Mediatek Helio A20 1.8GHz

RAM: 4Gb

Storage: 32Gb (expandable)

OS: Android 10

Screen: 5’’

Back Camera: 13Mbx

Front Camera: 5Mpx

Battery: 4000 mAh

Size: 150 x 78,9 x 14,6 mm

Has NFC

Micro-usb charging

Okay, now that we listed the technical details, let’s consider what each of them brings to the table and how the final product behaves.

Slow and steady

If you are looking for a fast snappy phone with which you can simultaneously scroll through Instagram, watch a video with picture in picture mode, and have a graphic intensive game waiting for you in the background, this isn’t it. Nor is this the price range you should be aiming at.

The Armor Mediatek Helio A20 processor, with a frequency of 1.8GHz, isn’t anything to write home about. And the 4GB of RAM, though an improvement on previous models, pales in comparison to what even mid-range phones pack these days.

And you know what? That’s actually perfectly fine. The purpose of this phone isn’t to win any race, but rather to get the job done. And that it does.

I need my phone to perform what has become over the years a pretty basic list of tasks: social media, document editing, internet browsing, music and video streaming, taking some pics, and basic photo and video editing.

The Ulefone Armor 7 Pro is able to do any of those tasks without issues, even when I need to open two or three apps in the background. Yes, it does get a bit slow or even freezes for a couple of seconds from time to time, but not enough for it to interrupt my experience.

Battery life

Back when smartphones were a new thing, we used to complain about their battery life bitterly. Habituated to our old not so bright devices whose batteries lasted for days, we felt that the tradeoff wasn’t always worth it. Yes, we were now the proud owners of mind-boggling phones that could perform amazing tasks for us. But use them for a couple of hours and you better find somewhere to charge them (and have the time to wait for that to be done).

Luckily, smartphones are getting better at this by the iteration. With its 4000mAh battery, the Ulefone Armor 7 Pro is just another contender in the race for autonomy.

According to my digital wellbeing app, I’ve been using it an average of four and a half hours per day. That’s a lot. It actually puts me in the top 20% of screen time, but being excited for my new gadget and having to do this review I feel a bit justified.

Even so, I usually have at least 30% of the battery left when I finish my day, if not more. And, on the occasions I don’t use it as much, I can go two days without having to think about charging.

At a time when we are seeing affordable phones with 5000mAh of battery that can last up to three days without charge and that have better performance, the Armor X7 Pro’s battery life certainly won’t make any headlines, but it’s still a great perk for the price.

The Ulefone X7 Pro camera

As I said, one of the tasks I need my phone to perform on a daily basis is taking pictures. With a 13 megapixels main camera, a 5 megapixel front camera, and pro, night and underwater modes, the Armor X7 Pro it’s barely able to keep up with today’s standards.

I know, I know, nobody is buying it to start a photography career. But still, I was expecting a bit more, even from those low specs. Truth be told, the night mode usually just ruins the colors in most pictures and the pro mode feels terribly lacking. I still haven’t tried the underwater mode.

The first picture is taken on normal mode, the second with night mode. This kind of open dimly light landscape is the only instance where I found the night mode actually improved the result.

Pro tip: make sure to disable the Ulefone watermark, as I clearly didn’t.

Normal mode:

With night mode:

If your only purpose is to take casual photos for your personal social media, then the Armor X7 Pro will do the trick, but anything more than that and you will need to look somewhere else.

Other details and utilities

There’s a lot to say about this phone. From its unique set of apps to its thick rubber encasing. But, for the sake of brevity, I’ll just go through some of the features that I have noticed more in its daily usage.

Custom button

After using Motorola -and it’s amazing gestures- for years, I was afraid I would have too much of a hard time getting used to another brand. Luckily the Ulefone Armor X7 Pro comes with a custom key on its left side that can be programmed to do up to three different tasks. I have it set just to two: opening the camera and the flashlight. Simple, but incredibly useful.

NFC

A surprising number of middle-range phones lack this feature. But not the Armor X7 Pro, and I’m incredibly grateful for it.

Headphone Jack lids

In order to withstand an hour under 1.2 meters of water, the phone is completely sealed off. That includes the headphone jack, the charger plug, and the sim tray, which are all protected by thick rubber lids. Unfortunately, said lids are difficult to open without the dedicated tool Ulefone includes in the package.

This tool, while useful, is rather small and prone to getting lost. I have resorted to knives, forks, screwdrivers, and other such tools to open them, including my own nails (which I do not recommend).

Sadly, on a couple of occasions where my nails were trimmed and I had nothing pointy with me, I could open the headphone jack at all and resigned myself to just listening to the surroundings.

Though I understand the importance of this protection, I wish Ulefone had thought about some way of opening these lids without that tool. Or maybe even a way to carry it in the phone itself without fear of losing it.

Speakers

Oh my god are they loud! I really haven’t used my wireless speakers since I have this phone. Of course, it doesn’t have the same quality or sound level, but it’s more than enough for most situations.

Why I recommend the Ulefone Armor X7 Pro

Simply put, this is a phone for people that don’t want to worry at all about their phones. Which isn’t a new concept at all. The market for minimalist phones is growing as people realize that some device’s specs are so good they end up getting into the way of life.

And, while the Armor X7 Pro probably wasn’t designed with this in mind, it achieves it in an awesome and unique way.

First of all, its specs are good enough for the vast majority of tasks people normally need their phones to perform, while at the same time not being so appealing that they demand your constant attention.

Use it normally and you’ll have no problems, use it intensely and its shortcomings will start to annoy you. It might not be ideal, but it’s a great way to reduce your screen time (at least when you don’t have to write a review about it).

On the other hand, its ridiculous resistance to water, falls, pressure, and temperature, makes it so I don’t have to worry about breaking the thing. I’m not a particularly clumsy person, but I have been known to break a phone or two, so this is important to me.

Now, with the Armor X7 Pro, I just leave my phone anywhere, with almost no worries about its safety. If it can go through the 29 tests needed to get the MIL-STD-810G certification, It can withstand a fall while I’m riding my bike, the playful (and sticky) hands of my nephews, or having a pint of beer accidentally poured over it on a Friday night.

As long as it doesn’t get stolen, it will probably be with me for however long I want it to.

And I got all of this for just over a 100 euros on eBay -you can get it cheaper in Banggood, if you are willing to wait a bit longer. Really, I don’t think theres another phone that can deliver all of this by that price.

#phone reviews #ulefone #mobile phones #review

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courtneytarynofficial · 4 years

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Hello!! This is my first post for the week, and I’m going to list a few of my favorite writers within the fandom! In this post I’ll name the specific story of theirs that sparked enough interest in my soul to help me discover them, kept me coming back and always looking forward to reading more of their works!

1: LiviJoyann - Neon Groves

I have so many writers I am absolutely head over heels in love with their writing on AO3, but I feel that I owe it to Liv to mention them first on this list, and specifically mention their absolutely stunningly beautiful story Neon Groves. I feel like I need to include a teensy tiny bit of backstory with this one, so here we go: I used to write nearly 10 years ago but stopped suddenly and never returned to it. I discovered TUA and it was instantly love at first viewing, and when I finished watching I knew I had to expand my interest and see if there were any stories written by the absolutely wonderful fans within the fandom. This story was the first one that I discovered and it absolutely BLEW MY MIND it was so phenomenally executed! Her writing, and the story that she builds, and every single detail is so beautifully well done!! While you’re reading along with these characters, it’s like you’re standing beside them within each chapter, creating these friendships, and playing out the “scenes”! The picture she paints is just - WOW!! I truly wish that we caught a glimpse even slightly similar to this in the show! Seriously, if you want to imagine how Klaus and Dave came to be from their first meeting, navigating their time together in a war zone, and eventually get the most detailed insight into how those two dolls fell in love, well, then this is the story for you!!! ADDED BONUS: This is the story that reignited the fire within my own heart and inspired me to pick up writing again after so many years as well! So, thanks Liv! I appreciate you! Thank you for introducing me to the wonderful world of AO3, but especially - thank you for inspiring me to get back into something I’d almost forgotten just how much I love to do!! ❤️❤️

2: Siriuspiggyback - Counting Down The Days To Go

Upon further exploration within AO3, I quickly stumbled upon this story and all I can say is this - It is so beautifully written!!! Every single emotion really struck a chord deep within my heart, and I felt every single emotion so vividly! Every ounce of joy as the family grew to recognize just how deeply they truly loved Klaus, to every heartbreaking ounce of utter despair and sadness as you realized just how quickly they were losing him! (Little warning: this is a terminal illness fic where Klaus has cancer) that being said, I can honestly and truly say that this is the first story that has ever reduced me to a sniveling wreck, a weeping mass of tears, and left me that way for quite some time! This is definitely one of those stories that you will never forget, and whenever you’re in the mood for a good cry, you’ll remember this one and come back to read it again, and absolutely destroy yourself over, and over, and over again! (Or maybe that’s just me?!) Seriously though, this is soooo well done, so emotionally gripping, and just a fantastic story from beginning to end! Could not recommend it any more! But hey, if something that’s definitely on the more sad side of the spectrum isn’t what you’re looking for, I still highly recommend you check this writer out!! Kay has a ton of other amazing stories within this fandom, there’s definitely going to be something that matches your TUA needs, I promise!

3: VeteranKlaus - Soldier Boy AND The Ghost Of Us

Allow me to just say that this creator is absolutely an endless pit of creativity and is constantly adding more absolutely fantastic works into this fandom! Literally, Daniel has over 40 stories and is coming up with new, amazing ideas on the daily (at least it sure seems that way!) I am blown away by the works that he cranks out, EVERY.SINGLE.ONE is so unique, so different than so many other stories I’ve ever read before, and just so sensationally gripping! I am blown away!! Soldier Boy was their first work that I read from him and I’ll be honest, it is a WIP, but I look forward to the day he updates it CONSTANTLY!! I am so in love!! Everything about this story is unique; When I first read this I had never, ever read a story that even slightly mirrored anything similar to this one (SPOILER ALERT: Klaus returning home from the war differently after sustaining a dramatic injury) every single bit of detail, every single insight into Klaus’s emotional state of mind, his physical state of being and his new struggles as he’s still very freshly coping with this injury, as well as losing his love and returning home and just—good lord, I could rave about it for days! It’s so well executed and just—wow! So freaking good! Now, as I said it is a WIP so it is not complete, but I was instantly hooked on this writer and so I explored more of his works (this channel is definitely angst centric as a fair warning, but if you’re anything like me and live for that kind of content then literally, every single one of his are absolutely amazing, again, you’re definitely going to find something you like here!) NEXT I read The Ghost of us and HOLY COW!!! I have never, ever seen a spin on Klaus’s time travel as I have with this story! I would say spoiler alert, but as soon as you read the description you’ll know exactly what the story is about and MAN it does not disappoint!!! Instead of traveling to 1968 Vietnam, Klaus lands in 1940’s Berlin. Let me just say that this story is absolutely mind blowing, it’s amazing, it’s heartbreaking and I cannot even form into words all of the wonderful things I can say about it! Just take my advice and go read it! (And yes, Dave is still in it!!!) haha

4: ObliqueOptimism - Those Days Are Gone, And My Heart Is Full

I’ll just say this; just like the writer’s I’ve listed above, Sara is also PROLIFIC and has over SIXTY WORKS for TUA, what?! And I swear, I think I’ve read every single one of them! Each story is so absolutely amazing in their own way! These stories also range from absolutely full of emotions, to the fluffy sweet tender side of the spectrum, so they definitely have a story somewhere within this vast, beautiful collection for you! I can’t remember which story was the first one I read from them, so I’ve included my absolute favorite!! This story, this story right here is the first Parent!Klaus fic I have ever read! They did such a gorgeous job at detailing Klaus’s journey as a daddy and raising his beautiful baby Jackson! This story has joy, sad moments, beautifully tender moments between a father and son and just so many wonderful story points that I really think you should take a moment to read this! It’s absolutely wonderful! Sara is incredibly talented, I definitely think you should peruse through their stories and try one on for size!

There are so many wonderfully talented writers for this fandom you guys! I have SO MANY MORE that I’d recommend over and over again for this fandom but I’m probably going to split these REC’s up and have a post each day! Again, I cannot stress to you enough how fantastic the writers and stories I’ve listed above are, I highly recommend you check them out if you haven’t already!

Keep sharing all of your REC’s guys!! This is a week about celebrating TUA and our support and appreciation for this fandom and each other! Keep that creativity flowing! I’ll look forward to seeing what everyone else has to share!! ❤️❤️

You can find their tumblrs here:

LiviJoyann (doesn’t have one that I’m aware of—sorry!)

Siriuspiggyback

VeteranKlaus

ObliqueOptimism

#tuafeedbackfest #tua fanfiction reccomendations #tua fandom #the umbrella academy #writing #tua netflix #tua #obliqueoptimism #veteranklaus #siriuspiggyback #livijoyann #neon groves #ao3 fanfic #ao3 #tua fanfic #the umbrella academy fanfic #tuafanfiction #trigger warning #tw major character death

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charissekenion · 4 years

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What systemic racism in the British beauty industry looks like

Remember when Black Lives Matter content filled up the feeds of your preferred social platform? While the message still burdens many within the black community — as well as some allies — on a daily basis, for many it is business as usual; even one of my regular online beauty go-to’s has that in their homepage banner. I’m sure it’s more about things being back to ‘some kind’ of normal post-Covid, but who knows? To me, it seems like everyone is tired and weary of the triggering message of BLM and I believe that’s a sign that, if systems are not changed, things are likely to return to what they used to be, the word diversitybecoming one of those words people say out loud while using air quotes. I’ve already written about my own personal experience as a mixed/black woman in the beauty world, but I wanted to try and tackle the systems within the beauty industry. If I’ve missed anything, let me know!

Brands/Agencies Throughout the early days of BLM, brands and agencies around the globe paid close attention to where their ads were appearing. It wasn’t a moral stance however; brands had learned that ads placed near George Floyd or protest-related content, monetized at 57%* lower than other news content. The investment simply wasn’t worth it and words/phrases such as Black Lives Matter, George Floyd, Minneapolis and Black people were put on industry blocklists. While blocklists surely began as a way for the industry to ensure it wasn’t placing insensitive ads, in 2020 brands are using them purely because of the bottom line; revenue.

For me, the brands that have stood out during BLM are the ones that are more thoughtful in how they can help, long-term. Praise was given to Emily Weiss of Glossier for starting a grant for black-owned beauty businesses. Another stand-out show of support came from Caroline Hirons, a brand in her own right.

Hirons is known as the queen of skincare amongst the UK press — and she knows that is a very white press. She took a few days to get her ‘ducks in a row’, early on when BLM was being heavily supported, ensuring her donations were able to have Gift Aid applied (more of the cash actually going to the organisation), before announcing that she would be giving 100 percent of the 2020 proceeds from her best-selling Double Cleanse with Pixi to Black Lives Matter. Pixi duly matched her donation.

But for every positive there were several embarrassing examples of how notto do it. I don’t have the time or energy to give a comprehensive list of just how many brands got it so wrong during the days that followed #blackouttuesday for instance.

I’m not about forcing anyone to do anything, because if you don’t care, why would I want your help? For me the blame lays with brands who have the means to send out the right messages on the daily via social and in the media. It wasn’t just about calling out RMS Beauty on their Instagram for hiring such an insensitive social media manager. It was more about checking out the feeds of Maybelline, Chanel Beauty, etc, etc, and seeing if they had ever shown diversity in their campaigns. The results were lacklustre to say the least, but, if there was one truly classic example of what not to do, the medal would go to Marcia Kilgore (founder of Beauty Pie, Fit Flop, Bliss). I’ve been a diehard fan of Kilgore and her work ethic for years and I’ve lost count of how many interviews I’ve listened to of Kilgore sharing her business journey.

But throughout BLM I’ve seen some shockers coming from (seemingly) Kilgore’s own hand. I’ve been sent screenshots of comments on Instagram (later deleted) including one that shows Kilgore using the shrugs emoji. One of Beauty Pie’s diehard (white) fans just didn’t get why Beauty Pie was receiving negative feedback after not standing up soon enough or strongly enough for BLM. Kilgore replied to her fan with the shrug — she might as well have said: ‘gee, we just can’t seem to please these people.’

The Influencer Whether you love influencer culture or not, it’s clear that, for now, it’s here to stay. Mostly dominated by (white) women, with some being worth over £4million here in the UK, whatever their chosen area of specialisation, there seems to be a very cookie-cutter approach as to what and who’s adored and accepted. Look at wellness, look at fashion, and of course, beauty, and you’ll find that the popular accounts are usually owned by very blonde, very slim women. Life is just one long Instagram Story compiled of working out in Lululemon, wearing makeup from an expensive brand that’s never looked past 10 shades, sipping an iced green tea and getting your wedding paid for by your clever agency rep who’s reached out to countless companies that are guaranteed to find you so palatable and on-brand.

Now, I am not coming for these women; these women can exist alongside the women that I choose to follow — the women that can and do in fact influence me and how I purchase, whether they get paid or not. And there’s the rub. Brands have been making tons of excess profits from women of colour who just love that brand — essentially unpaid micro influencers.

As a self-confessed beauty addict, I know the allure of the ‘next big thing’. I know how it is when you feel, or felt, that that brand actually understood you. When that new shiny purchase arrives from the likes of Glossier, you’re like, ‘hey friend’, and off you go, sharing your unboxing for your fellow beauty enthusiasts to swoon over in the comments.

Like I said, many true beauty influencers are micro influencers, doing their thing purely for the love, and not a pay check, but that’s in sharp contrast to those who are actually paid to do so. These paid influencers put in the work, styling their stories to appeal to their audience and also the audience of the brand that’s paying them.

One such influencer, someone I’ve been following a while as I enjoyed her fresh aesthetic, is also a PR. To be fair to her, I’d become so used to seeing her bounce across fields of tulips and daisies, that I wasn’t expecting anything from her when it came to ‘real life’. However, I did happen to see her Instagram Stories late one night, where she ‘appeared’ to be crying about BLM. I say appeared because honestly, I’ve seen better performances at my nephew’s nativity play. I even recorded the crying just to check I wasn’t being too dismissive.

The next day I saw that she’d finally posted an image she’d found elsewhere (i.e. not spent time creating) and given information on how to donate and research. It all seemed very rushed and frankly, I imagine that zero attention was given to the words. I wondered if she’d been pressured to post, and apparently she had been, after being tagged in a post that prompted people to call out influencers and brands who weren’t stepping up.

She dutifully posted a black square when it was ‘expected’ of her on #blackouttuesday — which she has since deleted.

On top of that, behind the scenes she was contacting various bloggers — I can’t confirm race ratios. She sent DMs that did not address the individual, did not ask the person how they were doing at this truly tiring and stressful time. Instead she asked if they were supporting black-owned brands (she asked this of a mixed-race woman who identified as black and had been posting tons of information on her Stories…) Clueless, lazy — or worse?

She mentions in the DM that one of her clients is a black-owned business and asks if the blogger might be interested in talking about it. The following day I kept wondering, ‘okay, if you’re so supportive, why not post about this black-owned brand on your own feed?’ Or, how about you offer your services to black-owned businesses at a reduced rate? Not because you should, but because, after all, you are performing as if you care.

**Dominique, a black, London-based PR shared her thoughts on how her frequent social media support of a beauty brand (self-created and not paid for, purely because she wanted to), soon started to feel as if she was being treated as a token when she was shown as the only black face in the company’s newsletter. She also tells me of a black influencer in the UK who had been promised payment for several pieces of promo work and yet had gone unpaid and ignored. It wasn’t until her loyal followers bombarded the brand’s social media platforms that the brand paid her, in full, with no argument, or apology.

“It’s so intrinsic, and so embedded,” says Dominique. “Whether it’s content creation or Instagram — which is the first port of call for every business — it’s also the tech, it’s the algorithms used. It’s the influencers, it’s the appropriation, it’s the fact that black influencers aren’t on PR lists, and aren’t being paid the same rates.”

Dominique also talks of the pressure of ‘black guilt’ that black influencers and creators can feel: “You kind of hope and root for the brands that you spend your money on, that you will see a change. And then also, you kind of assimilate in your feed to try and see if that’s gonna help you build a following. I’ve done it. Black people have learned to compartmentalise to survive and it comes down to assimilating and trying not to broadcast your blackness.”

The PR I think, in some ways, the power of the beauty industry PRs often goes unnoticed. These are people who are in the business of carving out a niche for a brand, making it the ‘next big thing’; they advise clients on everything, from tone of voice to the right faces to use in an ad campaign to which influencers to send product to, and which influencers to offer lucrative ambassadorships to.

As most UK PR firms are owned by white men and women, it’s easy to see why inclusivity might not even enter their heads. Why would it? Let’s not forget, for decades the ideal beauty has been that of a very Eurocentric look. PR firms, alongside the rest of the industry, play their part in affirming this beauty standard — it isn’t their job to actually change it. But with more and more voices calling for change, and in the era of cancel culture, PRs are likely to be forced into taking a more active role.

For example, the labeling of BLM being a political rather than human issue by the head of CrossFit was clearly a PR nightmare of huge proportions, and no-one in the multi-billion dollar beauty industry wants that to happen to them. As a recent article on the Business of Fashion stated; too often public relations execs go along with what their client wants, and if ever they do try to steer the client in another direction they are often left unsupported or removed from the account completely.

The Magazines As someone who’s been a hair and beauty editor and writer for 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of trends come and go. But one trend that remains the same is that of the ‘spot the black journo in the room’. While things may be slightly more progressive in the US, here in the UK I can say that I have never seen more than three black or non-white journalists at a press event at the same time. And don’t get me started on the staff within the publications themselves.

I remember when former British Vogue editor-in-chief Alexandra Shulman shared an image of her team in celebration of her last issue in 2017 — with not one black or brown face. I had long stopped my subscription to British Vogue, but when her replacement, Edward Enninful arrived, the man who had inspired me for years during his time at i-D magazine, I bought each issue with renewed excitement; oh how things would change!

But Enninful is one black man. And when Enninful himself is racially profiled while entering the doors of Conde Nast, you know that the problem goes way deeper. Add to that the fact that Vogue is still going to have to bow to its advertisers — the brands that keep it in print. It’s not us with our £2 ‘special price’ purchases that are keeping Vogue and others like it alive.

Elsewhere on Instagram, former Glamour editor Jo Elvin was bemoaning the fact that it wasn’t always the editor’s fault that there were no black models on the cover. Elvin said that black models often declined being on the cover (am guessing maybe it was because it was a pretty crap magazine back then?) because they ‘thought it would hurt their chances of getting covers with the high-end mags’.

And what is wrong with that? It’s far tougher for a black woman to get a Vogue cover, so if that’s that model’s goal, what’s it to Elvin and her crew? Perhaps they could seek out an unknown, rather than relying on the top three black faces over and over? Thankfully, Elvin was prompted to elaborate on her flippant comments, by none other than the aforementioned Caroline Hirons. Hirons ended by telling Elvin that the numbers don’t add up, and that bias is ‘systemic in Conde.’

I remember once going for a meeting with an online brand I avidly read. Naturally I was excited and flattered to be told: ‘you look so [insert brand name here]!’ as if I had just earned a special badge. Aside from the flattery, it really meant a lot to me and I was genuinely excited at the opportunity to write and shoot for them. I left the building buzzing, but over the coming weeks, my numerous pitches seemed to fall on deaf ears. ‘Hmm, she’s probably really, really, busy,’ I told myself.

Weeks later I noticed a new name on their writer roster and wondered if the fact that she was also mixed race was something to do with it; perhaps two was one too many? I think this is something we see and fear in many industries, but especially within fashion and beauty. While a non-black editor might enjoy being seen as the progressive one, he or she might also be nervous of ‘opening the gates’ and only employing non-white people! I’ve heard this from several black and brown people in the industry also. Once you get that role, you want to keep it both for career and financial reasons.

It’s clear that, across the board, work needs to be done, and we also need the work that is supposedly being done, to continue. It makes me nervous to see brands jumping on the Diversity Officer job role, while only offering six-month contracts. Does this mean that they hope BLM will just go away and people will just stop expecting their voices to be heard and their rights acknowledged? Are we all just so nostalgic over what normal used to be that we’d rather enter another year with blinders on?

It’s okay to admit that you’re completely unprepared for this fight. If you’ve never had to care about this fight, I get that. But whether you chose to use #blackouttuesday to gain some new fans, or you actually wanted to begin making lasting change, it’s clear, it’s going to take a lot more than a black square followed by vague epithets. Show the work; talk to your audience. Literally no-one can claim to be perfect right now, but if you want to build an anti-racist brand, take the steps, because we are all watching.

*Statistic taken from this NPR article: https://www.npr.org/2020/06/27/884213471/why-advertisers-wont-run-ads-on-black-lives-matter-content?t=1597134345822

** Name has been changed

Image: Photo by Hazel Olayres on Unsplash

This article also appears on Medium

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itonlyhappenstome · 4 years

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Coronavirus Lockdown UK Homeschooling Day 3.

Just FYI…. It would be in order of weight — Flash, Captain America, Roadman and then Janet (who is a boy but identifies with a girl and looks a bit like Boris Johnson).

Alex did cry a bit when he thought we were serious as Flash is his Guinea pig, but we explained and made him feel better — so I think actually we can add life skills and bereavement counselling to the list of todays lessons!

Well we are now on Day 3, and am I the only person who wakes up every morning and hears the Big Brother Geordie voice over “Its Day 3 in the Hindle Lockdown household!”. Further lockdowns imposed so we are only allowed to leave the house for shopping and pharmacy and for our daily walk. It is getting slightly more familiar, so the initial anxiety is changing to a standard brand of predictable panic. It would be better I think if we knew how long it will go on. The stretching uncertainty is draining in itself, I do not whether to use reserves now or not.

What is not changing though is my discomfort with being completely accessible to all members of the family 100% of the time. Whatever I am doing, want to do, need to do, in the middle of doing…. is secondary to the needs, wants, desires, requirements and demands of any member of the family at any given moment on demand. And if I act annoyed and frustrated because I am in the middle of doing my own work and do not want to watch a trick on the trampoline, or have a chat about the latest news update, or peel a fucking apple/get a glass of water or anything else that my family members are capable of doing themselves or can wait until I am free to do— or even politely enquiring if it is a convenient time rather than EXPECTING it, then I am the grumpy arsehole.

Every day seems to bring different emotions, and it is a roller coaster, not always bad, not always good, not always familiar, but it is fascinating how it is evolving and changing, and seeing how we are coping. I have reduced my expectations and accepted I am not super mum, or a teacher, and that no-one is finding this easy — and that has helped a lot. Also continuing to be selective with whats app groups and reading has helped. And Gin continues to be a constant support….

So last night, as we have more time on our hands we started finally watching Black Mirror….. No idea what series we started on, but it was the episode where the Prime Minister was made to shag an actual Pig live on air in order to save the equivalent of Kate Middleton.

My husband and I had a very highbrow debate as to whether we would be ok with this depending on the person (Boris and Trump would get no sympathy from Team Hindle — but we would organise something nice for the Pig afterwards as compensation…), and we felt really sorry for the pig in Black Mirror — why did no-one care about the pig?!? And then realised we had no idea if 10 Downing Street had a back garden and had a moment of awe and appreciation for Google maps and technology, as how had our minds never been expanded before to ponder these subjects and then to have the ability to see the garden online! Amazing! We didn’t look though as we were pissed and forgot.

Obviously feeling like we had connected on a new spiritual level (and I am fairly sure the cosmic mood enhancers Brew Dog, Red Wine and Gin helped open my husbands 3rd eye also…) when we went to bed, my husband laid his head on mine, and after a moments silence and bewilderment I asked what the actual F he was doing and could he move as it was hurting. And he answered that he was trying to connect us in our dreams, and that maybe as we were more in tune emotionally now we could do that (?), and he was trying to transfer an Eagle through his brain channels to mine.

You know sometimes you are a bit “Are you joking and I am going to look a twat taking this seriously…? Or “are you being serious and I am going to be making you feel like an arse if I think you are joking?” well I went for the latter and my husband rolled over in a huff muttering that my dream tribe were not going to be safely guided by the imaginary dream Eagle and the disjointed feeling of this tribe was on my conscience, he had at least tried and could sleep soundly.

He didn’t remember the Eagle last night. I am surprised actually I did, as was clearly a bit drunk by the way I tried to brush my teeth with Germolene this morning…

So, homeschool Day 3, we are lowering expectations and trying to find creative ways to pass the time, as we are all just a bit bored and “meh” with it all. Just living to Easter Holidays on Friday — which will mean no change to captivity for us, but at least we can drop the pretence of trying to fill the day with meaningful and educational shit and go be demotivated alone in our electronic device worlds without judgment or guilt.

Started well at the crack of 10.30am with locking the kids outside in the trampoline, even put the older one in her school sports kit (weirdly felt I should get extra parenting credit for that!). Parenting win before lunchtime I feel!

The younger ones needed to expend some energy and frustration so I had them stabbing bits of concrete with child friendly IKEA knives (ok vaguely child friendly, I am sure any metal object when used as a stabby thing is not that child friendly actually in hindsight) to free up “stuff” inside. And one of them looks like a bell end with infected foreskin — so that was amusement for the kids and also adults alike!

DIE METAPHORICAL COVID 19 CONCRETE!

Laughing childishly at what looks like a Bell End with infected foreskin (actually a pirates face…) We then combined Biology, Politics, Science, Maths and potentially Home economics with time with the Guinea pigs! Firstly we had a life lesson/Biology by explaining why Janet was dancing on the face of Captain America and that it was not dancing, or bullying (ok well it is probably classed as bullying unless you are in Prison and then it is “love”).The Guinea Pigs helped us with Politics as we showed the children the information about the lockdown, what it meant, and there may be a food shortage so we must not waste food. So they weighed the Guinea Pigs to see in which order we should eat them in the event of a food shortage — which enabled them to have Maths, Science and potentially Home Economics! Epic!

Just FYI…. It would be in order of weight — Flash, Captain America, Roadman and then Janet (who is a boy but identifies with a girl and looks a bit like Boris Johnson).

I did send my husband out with the children on a walk with a picnic, and stated that for everyones sanity, health and well being I was imposing myself on an hours complete self isolation. The. Walls. Are. Closing. In. I actually shrieked earlier when my husband shut the door of the room I was in — the walls started moving in on me!

He has gone out for essential shopping now, Tonic Water. Maybe I should have asked him to look for fruit and vegetables, but my brain has started to turn to mush.

Stay safe everyone….!

#lockdown #parenting #covidschooling #homeschooling #survivinglife #sanity #coronavirus #bad parenting #trying #new to this #gettingthroughtheday

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shipmistress9 · 5 years

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FTLOAP: Chapter 34: And There’s Tears We Cry, But Those Tears Will Fade

Fandom: HTTYD

Theme: Hiccstrid - Medieval-style AU - Romance - Angst/Hurt/Comfort

Summary: Reduced to little more than a stable boy, Hiccup, despite his noble birth, has few prospects for more in life. But when he meets a girl who came to look at the horses, being a stable boy might not be enough anymore. Together, they have tough choices to make and great risks to navigate if they want to survive and be together.

Rating: Explicit

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Part 1: Prologue; Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3; Chapter 4; Chapter 5; Chapter 6; Chapter 7; Chapter 8; Chapter 9; Chapter 10; Chapter 11;

Part 2: Chapter 12; Chapter 13; Chapter 14; Interlude 1; Chapter 15; Chapter 16; Chapter 17; Chapter 18; Chapter 19; Chapter 20; Chapter 21; Chapter 22; Chapter 23; Chapter 24; Chapter 25; Chapter 26; Interlude 2; Chapter 27: Chapter 28 ; Chapter 29 ; Chapter 30; Chapter 31; Chapter 32; Interlude 3; Bonus 1; Chapter 33

Alpha/Co-author: @athingofvikings

. – * – _ . o O o . _ – * – .

AN: WHOOOHOOW! We're getting started again! I'm so excited! :D It feels like it's been ages, even though I probably needed the break. But on a sidenote: It's been almost exactly a yeah now since this story started! That's CRAZY!

This week's title comes once again from Walking The Wire by Imagine Dragons.

I feel like I should warn you though... Remember how I said I'd use the time to write a buffer for the summer? Yeah... well, that didn't happen. I fell into a bit of a motivation hole and barely wrote anything during these two months. In the end, I managed to write one and a half chapters for this story, which means that after posting this, I'm back to the usual slightly stressful pressure of writing one chapter per week... In addition to that, my life outside of fandom became more complicated too, which in the end means that I can't promise to keep up the weekly schedule. I'll do my best! But if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work.

. o O o .

“I don’t want to go…”Hiccup murmured against her neck, and a light shudder ran through Astrid’s body.

It wasn’t the first time these words passed between them lately, not at all. In the two months since Daniel had left for Westhill, they had been a near-daily occurrence. Sometimes, like now, they came muttered against her skin or her hair, sometimes they were filled with desperation when they clutched each other close, or sometimes it was her who said them, a pained, pleading ‘I don’t want you to go…’.

And yet, there was nothing either of them could do about it. With every happy day they shared, the impending separation came closer and closer. It was only two days until her birthday now, and the day after that House Jag’r would return to Eastervale. Their time was almost up.

“I know,” she murmured back, awkwardly turning in Hiccup’s embrace to seek his lips with her own. Their kiss was harder than she’d intended, but then even that wasn’t uncommon lately. What had been intended as relatively harmless cuddling turned into heated kissing in the blink of an eye, her hands clutching his hair just as fiercely as his clutched at her waist.

Only with great effort did Astrid manage to pull back again, to give them both at least the tiniest bit of space to catch their breath and to calm down. This wasn’t the time to get carried away, even though Astrid wouldn’t deny that she’d enjoyed it. She threw Hiccup a soft but sad smile over her shoulder before she leaned back against his chest, basking in his warmth, and tried to push away all heavy thoughts.

It was an early spring day and the sun shone brightly through the stable's windows. It was possible that the chill would return before summer truly broke through, but for now, the weather was nice enough. And, as so often during these last two months, her father had allowed her to spend the sunny day with Dagur and Eret outside instead of with her governess in a stuffy room. Maybe he’d seen how gloomy she’d become after Daniel had left, had seen that spending time with her brothers was the only thing that was able to cheer her up, and had decided that, as long as they were here at the castle, she should spend as much time with them as was possible. Astrid hadn’t contradicted him; he wasn’t wrong, after all. Spending time with Eret and Dagur was always good, even though that was only part of why she always was in a better mood after those days.

With her and Hiccup not being the only ones dreading the upcoming separation, it had been easy to convince Eret and Dagur to leave her with Hiccup at the stables so that they could… spend some time alone. It only had needed her to assure them that she wasn't uncomfortable with Hiccup keeping watch over her in their stead, which Eret was far quicker to accept than Daniel had been. Sometimes the thought about what bad chaperones they were to each other made her laugh, but she surely wouldn't complain. On the contrary, being able to spend nearly every second day with Hiccup at the stables, more or less unobserved and in addition to being here every night anyway, had been a far better way to spend those two months then she'd expected.

During the days, they never retreated to Hiccup's sleeping stall; the temptation to fall asleep during lazy cuddles and the accompanying risk of missing Eret's and Dagur's return was simply too great. But she didn't feel as if they were missing out. While she greatly enjoyed their nights of solitude, of being free to explore each other in every way imaginable, the days of connecting in other ways were wonderful too. At first, it had worried her that they never knew when the others would return. But with Dagur never being quiet and always laughing or joking and them just having to shuffle a bit away from each other instead of putting clothes back on, it was easily manageable.

With a contented sigh, Astrid shuffled out of Hiccup's embrace and reached for the book she'd dropped next to the straw bale they sat on. She'd taken over Daniel's habit of bringing interesting books for Hiccup from their library, and more often than not, she and Hiccup ended up looking through some of them together. And she loved it. It didn't matter whether she'd picked a theoretical book about metallurgy which Hiccup was more than happy to explain to her, or whether she'd chosen a storybook for them to read to each other and enjoy together. Every second she spent with Hiccup was precious, and with every day she got to know him better, she felt as if her soul was getting more and more complete.

Even though every day brought them closer and closer to their separation.

“So, what did you bring today?” he asked, the effort of forcing his attention away from the topic of leaving audible in his tone. He peered over her shoulder, hands lightly resting around her waist.

Humming, Astrid shuffled a little closer again, enjoying his warmth against her back, before she directed their attention to the book in her lap. “‘The Exotics Of The South,” she replied, indicating the translated subtitle, glad that Hiccup couldn't see her half-hidden mischievous smirk as she turned over the first few pages. “It sounded interesting, to say the least. I've never been to the Southlands, but the stories Dagur occasionally tells from the Southshore traders and sailors are intriguing. Have you ever been there?” She paused at a page that showed a foreign landscape that seemed to consist of nothing but sand. Like an endless beach, except there seemed to be no lake or ocean anywhere. There was a description, written in a foreign tongue, with a scribe’s translation written in small letters under it But between the size of the letters and the scribe’s dialect, it was difficult to make out what the scribe had written in the subtext.

Chuckling lightly, Hiccup shook his head. “No, I haven't. I’ve never left Volantis, always hoped…” he trailed off as she turned the next page.

The picture there was stunning; a forest, but not like anything she’d ever seen before. The trees seemed to reach up endlessly into the sky, and every bit of space between them was filled with other plants, with huge leaves and colourful flowers everywhere. They gazed at the picture for a minute in awed silence before Hiccup reached around her to flip to the next page. It showed a market, but again everything seemed to be bigger and more colourful, fuller as if every tiny bit of space was stuffed with goods and wares and people. There were weapons, rolls of cloth, and an endless variety of objects Astrid couldn't even guess what they were supposed to be. And the scribe’s subtext translation was useless, as Astrid opined, but that just made it more fun, as they could try to make up their own explanations.

“I agree, it’s an interesting book,” Hiccup commented cheerfully after Astrid had suggested that the giant wavy sword was clearly for slicing bread. But then he sobered up again and stroked the page almost reverently, looking at an image of an exotic banquet. His eyes were darting back and forth, trying to take in every detail. “I'd like to see more of the world one day, visit these places, see them with my own eyes. Maybe we can see them together one day.”

Astrid hummed in agreement, her fingers caressing the back of his hand where it rested on the page. “I’d like that.”

The book was full of more pictures, every single one just as wondrous as the others.

The chapter about foreign animals was entertaining, and the scribe’s subtext was at least marginally useful as in they at least could read the headlines. They’d both heard of lions before, but the gigantic beast with a ridiculously long nose and ears called an elephant just baffled them both. However, trying to explain the different kinds of food in the following chapter was nigh on impossible. Astrid spotted something that looked somewhat like Heather’s pastries, but that was about it.

There were more chapters, about clothing, buildings, and strange objects that apparently were part of daily life, and Hiccup and Astrid worked their way through them with much laughter and interest, always trying to come up with an explanation that was either sensible or as ridiculous as possible. It was fun even though Astrid was eager to get to the last chapter. She had, after all, flipped through the book before, and no matter how interesting the other chapters had been, this last one was the one that had really piqued her interest and prompted her to bring the book. Why she’d been allowed to have access to the book by her governess, she had no idea; probably the woman hadn’t spotted those last few pages...

Innocently, she turned the page, and behind her, Hiccup sucked in a breath at the first picture of that last chapter. Astrid felt him shift slightly behind her, his fingers on her waist twitching.

“Well, I’d say that looks interesting,” she commented merrily, intently eyeing the picture. It showed two people, a man lying behind a woman, both naked. In fact, it didn’t look that different from how she and Hiccup often slept, with him curled around her back and their knees bent for comfort. But judging by the expressions on their faces, the people on this picture weren’t sleeping. No, not at all.

“Yeah,” Hiccup breathed. “Interesting…” He swallowed audibly, then turned the page with shaking fingers.

Astrid wondered idly what he’d hoped to see, but the low groan he made told her that it probably wasn’t this. Another picture of two people, with the man somehow kneeling over one of the woman’s legs while her other was lifted up and resting on his shoulder. Feeling a by now familiar tingle in her belly, Astrid tried to appear unperturbed as she flipped to the next page. “Oh, wow,” she commented, disbelievingly. “This looks… is that even possible?”

“It is,” Hiccup muttered, voice low and hoarse.

Astrid mused that, without her heavy dress cushioning his grip, there certainly would be finger-shaped bruises on her hips tomorrow with how tightly he gripped her now. But she honestly didn’t care. Their explorations of each other had continued during the last two months, up to the point where he now at least allowed her to feel and touch him with her hand. However, he was still adamant about his rule, about not going too far. And although Astrid agreed, it was still fun to tease him, to try and get to him. And judging by something hard pressing against her rear right now, she’d been successful by bringing this of all books.

She was about to turn to the next picture, wondering what else they would show and how Hiccup would react, when Dagur’s booming laughter sounded through the wooden wall toward them.

With a muttered curse, Hiccup hastily jumped off the bale. “You’re horrible!” he groaned, even as he bent to place a quick kiss on her cheek. He obviously had no illusions about Astrid having brought this book by accident, but the twinkle in his eyes told her that he didn’t mind. Not really at least.

Chuckling, Astrid closed it and put it at the bottom of the small stack of books she’d brought today, while Hiccup apparently decided that his state of enthusiasm demanded for him to hide in one of the stalls for now.

It was good that they had some semblance of routine by now, Astrid thought as she brushed off straw and dust from her skirt and shuffled back on the straw bale as if she’d been sitting there all on her own. The first few times, she and Hiccup had been nervous, sure that Eret and Dagur would notice something. But they didn’t, and with that nervousness gone by now, it was easy to act as if nothing had happened. As if they hadn’t spent the last couple of hours as close as they dared during the day, exchanging caresses, kisses, and soft words.

Just to look as if she was actually doing something, Astrid reached for an apple from their picnic basket, right before the door opened and Eret and Dagur came back in.

“Stop whatever you’re doing and act normal. We’re back,” Dagur called jokingly, which drew a chorus of groans and practically audible eye-rolling from everyone else.

“You know, Dagur. The first time, this was a little bit funny, but by now, it’s only boring,” Astrid deadpanned. She didn’t even need to act to sound accordingly bored. Sure, the first time hadn’t been funny either, but at least the boring part was true by now.

Dagur, however, snickered nonetheless. “Well, you never know,” he said as he led Squish back into his stall. “But even with nothing interesting happening here; Hiccup, you still better not tell your girlfriend that you once again spend the whole day alone with the Princess. We wouldn’t want her to get jealous now, would we?” He laughed at his own childish joke again, but this time, Astrid couldn’t help an amused smile from playing around her lips.

“I can assure you,” she replied, trying to sound as unperturbed as she could, “there is no reason for his girlfriend to be jealous.”

Dagur nodded. “I didn’t think so anyway,” he said, winking. “I vividly remember him swooning about her in that tavern. I have no doubts; he wouldn’t risk anything that might have him lose her.”

From the background, Hiccup called over, “And it wasn’t even ‘the entire day’ this time anyway. It’s barely past noon.”

But Dagur didn’t react to Hiccup’s attempt at changing the subject. Instead, he turned more serious all of a sudden. “I was just thinking that she’d certainly like to spend these last days with you too. It can’t be easy for you to be separated for so long.”

“Woah, Dagur, way to kill the mood,” Eret mumbled, saying exactly what Astrid was thinking.

She ducked her head, glad that nobody was paying her any mind anyway with them all being busy with their horses. The last hour of teasing and laughing with Hiccup had effectively wiped away those gloomy thoughts, but now, it all came crashing down on her again. Only three days, and then Hiccup wouldn’t be here anymore. Three days before the months of separation where they wouldn't even be able to exchange small letters or notes. Once more, she feverishly tried to think of any way that would allow Eret and therefore Hiccup to stay just a little bit longer. But, as always, she came up empty-handed.

“I guess we better get going,” Eret said as soon as Crusher and Squish were cared for. “There's still a little time, but I promised Ruff you'd be back in time, and I really don't need for them to play some last prank on me just for letting them wait. Besides, there's a party waiting for us.”

With a sigh, Astrid nodded. Snot's accolade was a good-enough reason to leave the stables, a happy occasion, all in all. Yes, she’d rather stay here with Hiccup, spend as much time with him as possible while they could, but she was also looking forward to meeting up with yet another of her adoptive brothers and to celebrate his big day with him. And the knowledge that she’d be here with Hiccup in only a couple of hours again made parting easier.

“I wonder what stories the Snotman will try to sell us this time,” Dagur wondered as they made their way back to the castle. “It’s always too funny to compare his exaggerations with what really happened when Daniel tells us about it later.”

“Or watch him flirt excessively,” Eret added, chuckling. “He’s hopeless.”

They all burst out into laughter, and Astrid felt the tension in her body lessen. It wasn’t all bad, she reminded herself. Her eyes wandered to the little pond as they passed it, to her beloved swans. But the surface was empty except for a handful of ducks, and, a little disappointed, her mind drifted back to the conversation.

“Ah, I think you’re a little mean,” she gently chided her brothers. “He’s allowed to flirt, remember? Just because you don’t feel like it doesn’t mean he can’t. And he’s polite enough about it anyway; I have yet to meet someone who complained about him.”

Laughing with good humour, Eret and Dagur agreed.

“Yes! The Snotman never gets complaints!” Dagur said.

“He’s too suave and debonair,” Eret commented, and with that, they continued on up to the path to the castle.

. o O o .

Dressing for the accolade took a while; her outfit for the night featured a gown of black satin with silver detailing, and was accessorized with a silver version of her swan coronet and a delicate silver brooch of a bear. But eventually she was deemed sufficient to outshine any of the other noblewomen in attendance and Tuff escorted her to the throne room. On her way, she mused about how different she felt compared to the other times she’d been about to reunite with one of her brothers lately.

For Eret’s accolade, her head had been filled with wayward thoughts about that stable boy she’d met, mourning about how she would never see him again. And later, she’d feared Hiccup might do something stupid, exposing himself during Eret’s accolade. And with Dagur at their reception, she’d been so afraid what could happen to Hiccup if Eret had seen them touching, and then there’d been Harold–

With force, Astrid pushed that thought out of her mind. She didn’t want to think about Harold, not ever again. He didn’t matter.

Taking a deep breath, she instead focused on what lay ahead of her. Snot’s accolade, the last big social occasion for a good while. Knowing that Hiccup wouldn’t be there tonight saddened her a little, but she knew that he was still avoiding bigger gatherings of noblemen if he could in order to not get recognised. She still hadn’t gotten around to actually ask him who he’d been before. But there had never been the right moment, and somehow, it didn’t really matter anyway. She knew who he was right now, knew that he was her future, and that was all she needed. Especially now with their separation looming over them.

A little while later, she sat in her usual smaller throne, next to her father and surrounded by the Fyrirs, and watched as the relatively short procession from Westhill entered the throne room. Off to the side were Sir Eret, Sir Dagur, and the Grand Duke of Eastervale – with Grand Duke Oswald currently convalescing from a debilitating but thankfully not life-threatening illness. While they were not part of the official witnesses, they were certainly more important than the other visitors of lower rank. When Snotlout came into view, wearing a black satin tabard with House Jorgenson’s bear embroidered in silver threads over a silken black shirt and silver chainmail, Astrid couldn’t help but grin. Both Eret and Dagur had looked rather funny in their exaggerated outfits, but for Snot, it somehow worked. He’d always been focused on how he looked, after all, and today he looked splendid.

Reaching the foot of the thrones, he went to one knee and bowed his head.

Try as she might, Astrid found herself losing focus as Snot recited the formulaic oaths. She’d heard them so many times before, after all. Instead, she found herself wondering how Hiccup would sound when he knelt where Snotlout was right now. Would she be able to keep a straight face when Hiccup swore before the gods to always defend a lady’s honour? The rest of the oaths, though, yes, she could see him managing those parts with panache. Always telling the truth... well, he could bend it like a pretzel, but he didn’t lie. Devoted to the gods, his lord, and the Temple? Definitely. Act with honour and charity and kindness? She managed to keep from scoffing and disrupting Snotlout’s accolade only because her princess mask was on. But the thought of Hiccup acting unkindly or with dishonour... no, it was rightly absurd. And the rest of it – oaths detailing preparedness for war and courage on the battlefield, and more? There was no doubt in her mind that he would excel.

Her father tapped Snotlout on the shoulders with Astrid’s grandfather’s sword – still sharp enough to shave with, according to Eret – and the newly minted Sir Snotlout of House Jorgenson rose back to his feet. He had a proud grin on his face, which grew even wider as he received similar gifts as Eret and Dagur had gotten before him, the traditional helmet and the additional sword and scabbard ornate with a bear and a swan in black and silver.

“Congratulations, man,” Eret greeted him with a slap to the shoulder after the stiff formation was loosing up.

"Yes, yes, thank you," Snot grumbled. "Just don't break my shoulder right away, all right? I still need it, you know?" His words held no venom though, and a moment later, another grin spread across his face. "Oh man, it's really good to see you again. I didn’t think it possible, but I actually missed you guys. It's good to see a couple of familiar faces in-between the thousands of nameless ones passing through Westhill these days."

"Aww, we missed you too," Dagur crooned and took Snot into an exaggerated hug. It made Snot protest, though not for long, and they all ended up laughing freely.

"It really is good to see you, Snot," Eret eventually agreed after they'd calmed again. "It's been too long. Two years now?"

Snotlout nodded. "Aye. I wish we could have come last year, but it's all chaos. The number of bandit and raider groups is growing, outposts are falling apart, and everybody, soldiers and residents alike, are losing their will to live. This war is going on for far too long now."

"Well, then it's up to us to change that, I guess," Dagur threw in, grinning. "But what about Daniel? I assume you met with him? How are his repairs of the outposts going? And what was the name of that other place? Redpeak?"

Snot nodded. "Aye, I've seen him, but only briefly; we barely got the chance to talk for longer than an hour. The repairs though..." he paused, frowning, then went on, "Well, it was quite a surprise to learn that he wouldn't see to the repairs of the outposts this year after all. Father was furious. Although, there seemed to be have been a good reason for the change of plans, because once Daniel and Father talked about it, my old man was far more agreeable. Do you guys know anything about it?"

"Not much," Eret said, shrugging. "Only that he wanted to alter Redpeak instead of the repairs, because something important came up, leaving him with less time than originally planned for. But I assume that is a good enough alternative, from the little I understood?"

Snot nodded again, even though he was still frowning. "It is. If he manages to make Redpeak usable, that would truly be an invaluable asset. Father's change of mind still surprised me though. Didn't think he'd take another delay so lightly. Ah, well, his actions rarely make sense to me anyway, so whatever." He shrugged the topic off, then turned with a grin and a twinkle in his eyes toward Astrid. "But I'm sorry, I forgot my manners. Fair Lady, please excuse me for not properly greeting you directly. May I say that you became even more beautiful since the last time we met? Seriously, your beauty is dazzling. If only we could bottle it and release it onto our enemies; they would stop fighting immediately and freeze in awe."

From nearly anyone else, words like these would have annoyed Astrid to no end. But this was Snot, and she knew well enough how to handle him. "Oh, stop that, you idiot," she snorted, and gave him a light punch to the shoulder. Certainly not suitable behaviour for the Princess, but they all knew how to take it, and Astrid didn't care much what others thought.

Snot burst out laughing, then took her into a friendly hug. "It's good to see you again, little sis. But I mean it, you did become more beautiful."

He winked at her as they parted, and, with a fond smile, Astrid rolled her eyes at him. Snot was and always had been a gigantic flirt. That was just who he was, but Astrid knew just how to take it. His compliments came freely, but they were honest, and even with his braggy and sometimes over-confident behaviour, he never crossed the line toward being obtrusive. He just loved the ladies, and more often than not, the ladies were quite fond of him too.

Still shaking her head with amusement over how Snot would probably never change, it surprised her when suddenly an unfamiliar voice spoke up, more closely than she'd expected for any stranger to come.

"Um, sir? How long am I supposed to wait here?"

Frowning, Astrid turned toward the source of that voice, just like Dagur and Eret did, while Snot let out a low groan. Behind him stood a boy, which he then led forward with a hand on the boy’s shoulder.

"Right," Snotlout muttered. "May I introduce Her Royal Highness, Princess Astrid of House Hofferson, and the ducal heirs Sir Eret of House Jag'r and Sir Dagur of House Berserker. And this is Gustav of House Larsson, my squire."

Snot waved his hand from one to the other, and Astrid inspected the boy with a guarded expression. Even though the boy didn’t look anything like Dagur’s former squire had looked, meeting him still brought back memories of Harold. But just like before, she fought them down immediately, and once again wished that Hiccup was here. Even as she knew that he wouldn't be able to do much – certainly not hold her, claim her, and keep other men from approaching her – him just being here, near to her, would have been good.

"How did you manage that?" cut Dagur's amused snicker into her thoughts, and Astrid focused on him instead of her dark mood. She threw Dagur a questioning look who was looking at the boy with clear amusement. "Where did you find a younger and even shorter copy of yourself?" Both he and Eret were visibly fighting laughter, and Astrid threw another look at the boy Gustav. And had to bite back a giggle too.

Even though he was much younger and, indeed, shorter than Snot, Gustav looked eerily similar to his master. Not as if they were related though, but more as if the boy actively tried to look as much like his master as was possible. Which was confirmed as the boy began to speak again.

"I’ve been looking up to Lo– Sir Snotlout for all my life,” he declared, beaming. “I always wanted to be just like him, a great warrior, beloved and admired wherever he goes, and I’m so grateful that he agreed to take me as his squire."

"’Beloved and admired wherever he goes’... Is that what you told him?" Dagur was barely able to keep himself together anymore.

"Hey, it's the truth," Snot shrugged, grinning. "I'm a hero, and everybody loves me."

Astrid felt as if a good smack on the head would do her brothers good, all of them, but before she could say or do anything else, Gustav turned his attention toward her.

"And I agree with my master. Highness, you really are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen," he said, grinning, bowed, and reached for her hand to place a kiss on its back.

There was a moment of tense silence, Dagur and Eret momentarily sobering up again. But before either of them could say anything, Snot beat them to it. "Woah, Gustav, back off. I know you don't know better so I'll leave it at that. But for the future, no hitting on the Princess. She's like a sister to me, so that's just creepy."

Gustav looked clearly puzzled. "But you–"

"I know her since she was born," Snot interrupted him sternly. "And she knows it was just for fun. But I don't want to see anything like this ever again. Understood?"

"Yes, master," the boy said, obediently and clearly remorseful. "Please, excuse my bluntness, Your Highness. I-I didn't mean to be disrespectful. I’ll retreat now, if I may?"

"Yes, you are dismissed," Snot waved him off, not without a reassuring hand on the boy's shoulder, and then Gustav disappeared into the crowd.

"I'm sorry for that," Snot said with a light shrug. "He tries to be just like me, but doesn't know yet when to say something and when to hold his tongue. Something like that won't happen again."

Astrid nodded, arms wrapped around herself. She felt as if she ought to say something, but didn't know what, couldn't find her voice.

"You better make sure it doesn't," Dagur muttered, voice more serious than it had been all evening. From the corner of her eye, Astrid noticed him and Eret exchanging a quick glance, then Dagur pulled Snot to the side, talking in quiet voices. She could imagine all too well what Dagur was telling him, but she didn't want to think about Harold again. Instead, she focused on Eret's hand on her back as he led her to one of the high tables and gladly accepted the glass of wine after he'd waved over a servant.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

Astrid took a moment, but then nodded. "Yes, I am," she murmured. "I'm over what happened with... with Harold. I'm fine." She glanced up at Eret and gave him a weak if true smile. And she meant it. Sure, Gustav had woken unpleasant memories, but she wouldn't let them rule her.

And to her relief, Eret believed her. He nodded, a faint smile on his lips. "Okay. But promise me to tell me if something's bothering you after all, okay? You only need to say it, and we'll take care of it, whatever it is."

His words made her laugh, warming her from the inside even though she knew he wouldn't be able to keep that promise. "Thank you. Really. But Gustav is not a problem."

Eret nodded again, but his expression became serious nonetheless. "Then what is? Because I can see that you're not happy."

Astrid's smile turned a little sad, and she averted her eyes. Eret knew her too well. She contemplated shrugging his concerns off, but she didn't feel like lying again, especially not to him.

"I'm not," she admitted. She hesitated, then nodded toward an empty sitting corner near a big window. They walked there, and once they'd sat down, Astrid continued. "You're right, I'm not happy. But even though I appreciate your promise to 'take care of it', I fear you won't be able to." Eret frowned, so, after biting her lip, she went on, at least telling him all she could tell him. "I wish you wouldn't have to leave," she said with shaky laughter. "I-I got quite used to... all your presence during the last few months, and I fear how it will be once you're all gone again." It wasn't a lie. It wasn't just that the thought of being separated from Hiccup was tearing her apart; she would also miss Eret and Dagur, and Snot as well, and feared falling into a hole of loneliness once they were gone.

Eret grimaced, and soothingly rubbed his hand up and down her back. “Yeah… You’re right, there’s not much we can do about that. I don’t think we can put off returning much longer. The weather is warm enough by now, and the herd needs to return to our pasturage lands.” He sighed, but then perked his head up with a wide grin. “But how about you visited us? You could come as guest of honour to Ester’s wedding? I’m sure your father would support such a show of allegiance, and my sister would be honoured to have you there. Maybe you could stay a couple of weeks, keep Mirja company so she doesn’t feel too lonely at first. And we could go on rides through the countryside; I could show you the lands and the people.” He gave a little shrug. “What do you say?”

“That would be wonderful!” Astrid agreed, a hopeful smile on her face. “And yes, I’m sure Father would allow that. That’s just the kind of representative duty I’m supposed to undertake as Princess, isn’t it?” She could literally feel her mood rising higher and higher the longer she thought about Eret’s suggestion. Getting out, getting to see more of their Kingdom, their people, spending time with Eret and his family, with the horses – and with Hiccup! If her father agreed, then they wouldn’t be separated for months on end after all. Sure, they would need to find new ways to meet in Eastervale, but that certainly would be manageable. A part of her wanted to jump up and ask her father right away, but she knew tonight was not the time. However, she would ask him as soon as possible.

“I’m glad I was able to lighten your mood,” Eret mused, smiling. “This is supposed to be a party, after all. Come on, let’s find Dag and Snot, and celebrate.”

Astrid spent the rest of the party in a surprisingly good mood, surprising to her at least. Despite the happy occasion and finally seeing Snot again, she hadn’t expected to really feel happy until she met up with Hiccup again later. But with the prospect of Eret’s suggestion and the cheerful company of her brothers, the night was filled with laughter and joy.

They spent hours reminiscing on fond memories and catching up on what had happened to all of them lately, and eventually – on Eret’s suggestion – crashed the party by turning it into a ball once more. At first, Snot had been reluctant, worried about how his father would certainly scold him for acting improperly. But with Dagur’s encouraging teasing and Eret’s reasoning about how this was Snot’s day and not his father’s, he was eventually convinced. They took turns dancing with Astrid, and before long more and more couples were joining them, the good mood quickly becoming contagious.

All in all, the day ended much better than Astrid had originally anticipated.

. o O o .

“Oh, Freya…” Hiccup moaned, a shiver running through his entire body. Astrid could tell that he was fighting to keep his eyes open, to keep looking at her, but every so often they fluttered shut despite his best efforts.

Astrid loved watching Hiccup like this. Because she was doing this! Everything, his pressed noises, his dazed eyes being unable to focus, his accelerated breathing, his flushed face, and his hands helplessly clenching at the straw beneath – all that were reactions to what she did, and it never ceased to fill her with amazement.

With measured motions, she kept stroking him, thrilling in the moment. It was only recently that Hiccup had loosened his strict rule, had allowed this to happen. He had been reluctant at first, but her curiosity and her reasoning that, even with her hand inside his trousers, he was still wearing them, had finally won him over. And by now, he certainly didn’t mind anymore anyway.

With a low groan, he gave in to her touch and let his head drop back into the straw, eyes closed. Freya, she loved doing this, all of it. Feeling him in her hand, hot and pulsing, was an incredible sensation, but seeing just how much Hiccup enjoyed her touch was something else altogether. She could have done this all night, but as so often, he eventually stopped her.

Without saying a word, Hiccup reached for her hand, and gently pushed her down into the straw. His kisses were surprisingly soft and sweet, despite the intense fire burning in his eyes. Astrid would have liked to go on, to make him come with her own hand, but she also didn’t mind as he blanketed her with his body, his hand wandering beneath her skirts. With maddening slowness, he stroked the pleasant warmth inside her into a raging fire, grinding into her until it consumed them both.

“And good evening to you too, milady,” Hiccup murmured into her hair as they both floated down back to reality. His voice was soft, thick with longing and love. “I’m glad to see you in a more cheerful mood. I reckon the party was to your liking then?”

Sighing contentedly, Astrid snuggled deeper into Hiccup’s warm embrace, amused by how, once again, they hadn’t gotten around to talk before. “Yeah, it was okay,” she hummed. “Better than expected. It was great to see Snot again after so long. He really hasn’t changed a bit. And Eret once again turned the occasion into some kind of ball. Uncle Spite wasn’t happy about the breach of decorum, I think. But Father didn’t seem to mind, even smiled when he saw how much fun we had, so Uncle Spite couldn’t really say anything.”

“Yeah, that does sound like fun,” Hiccup chuckled, then sighed. “I just wish…”

“...that you could’ve been there as well?” she continued when he didn’t, and Hiccup nodded. “Yeah, me too.”

Hiccup shifted and, leaning over her, placed a soft kiss to her cheek. “One day, we will dance together,” he promised, murmuring against her skin. “I’ll come to you, open and for everyone to see, and ask you for a dance. Maybe they would stare and wonder, but it won’t matter. There will be only you and me. Forever.”

Astrid chuckled at his mellow words, even as the picture they painted was a beautiful one. “What makes you think you’ll be the on to ask?” she replied, and turned her head to seek his skin with her lips. “Maybe it’ll be ladies’ choice. I’d walk along the line of waiting men, not seeing any of them, only you…” she trailed off, humming against Hiccup’s lips as he kissed her.

“One day,” he murmured again.

Astrid pressed herself closer to his warmth, and nodded. One day they would be able to dance like that. She could hardly wait. But until then, they would still have to wait two long years, maybe even longer. And most of the time would stretch out endlessly.

“Oh, right,” she exclaimed when that thought stirred another one. “Eret suggested I should come and visit you.”

Hiccup seemed to need a moment before the words fully sank in. Then he pushed himself up in a halfway-sitting position. “What?” he exclaimed. “Did… did you tell him after all?” There was disbelieve on his face, but Astrid directly shook her head.

“No, of course not. I just… well, he asked what was upsetting me, and I told him that I'm sad you're all leaving so soon.”

Hiccup nodded, frowning, and Astrid suppressed a sigh. She knew that Hiccup thought letting at least Eret in on their secret would be beneficial. And maybe he was right, maybe Eret wouldn't tell on them. But even if he didn't – what good would it do them? She remembered Eret’s promise from earlier that night; how he would take care of whatever bothered her and how she’d instantly thought that he would never be able to keep that promise. As important as he might be, he still held no real power, just like herself. He couldn’t change his House’s plans so that he and Hiccup would stay here longer, nor could he gift Hiccup land and title. All telling him about her and Hiccup would do would be forcing him to lie for them.

“So, what did he mean about you visiting?” Hiccup eventually asked.

Astrid turned in his embrace so that she was able to look at him. “He suggested I should come for his sister’s wedding. Stay a couple of weeks.” She chuckled lightly. “It would still be a while until then, but it would at least be something?”

Hiccup nodded, hope gleaming in his eyes. “It would. Certainly better than not seeing you at all until next fall. I mean, sure, Eret and I are going to stop here before we head for Westhill and on our way back as well. But those would only be a couple of days at best.”

The prospect of those weeks in Eastervale helped soothe both their minds. The separation was still looming over them like a sword, but at least the burden was lighter now.

For a while, they settled for comfortable cuddles and soft caresses, both basking in each other’s presence. The day had been a long one with the hours here at the stables in the morning, getting ready for the accolade, and the festivities themselves. But even though she was tired, Astrid didn’t want to sleep. Not yet. Too precious were these last nights she could spend with Hiccup to waste them. Instead, she stirred as her mind threatened to drift off after all, and sat up.

“So, where did you store that book we were looking at earlier?”

Hiccup looked up at her, with only one eye open but his lips were stretched into a tiny smirk. “Really? That’s what you want to do now? Look some more at those pictures?”

She shrugged, managing something like an innocent but curious smile, and Hiccup laughed. They settled much like they had this morning, Astrid’s back against Hiccup’s chest and him looking down at the book in her lap over her shoulder. And despite Hiccup being far more relaxed than he had been earlier, she could still feel him stir again behind her after a while.

“Dear, Freya… I never thought you’d be that interested in looking at such pictures,” Hiccup muttered against her shoulder at some point, his fingers around her hips flexing.

Astrid giggled. “You don’t seem to mind them either. Although, I’m mostly curious. I never knew there were so many… options. I mean, I already knew about this–” she pointed at a drawing of a woman riding a man, ”–but this one looks a bit odd,” she commented the next, showing the woman on her hands and knees with the man kneeling behind her. “I can’t imagine that to be very comfortable.”

“It’s not supposed to be comfortable, exactly,” Hiccup murmured. “But it’s certainly not bad either. It’s actually a good position, you– the woman is supposed to feel more that way.”

Leaning back against him, she hummed. “Mmh, can’t wait until we can try all these.”

Hiccup chuckled, breathlessly. “Yeah, me neither.”

They flipped on through the pages, commenting on every single one. Astrid enjoyed winding Hiccup up a little. She understood his caution, she really did. But, Freya, she didn’t want to wait two more years. She wanted it all, now. She might be sensible enough not to push for it, but she could still dream.

“Huh… what’s this?” she asked when they reached a drawing where the man’s head was hardly visible, hidden between the woman’s legs.

Behind her, Hiccup whimpered, his face pressed into the crook between her neck and her shoulder.

“Hiccup?”

“I’m okay,” he mumbled. “It’s just… Gods, I’m dying to do this with you.”

Astrid glanced back at the page, giving it a closer look. But no matter how hard she tried, it didn’t make much sense to her. “What… is it?”

Hiccup, noticeably pulling himself together, swallowed. “It… it’s going down on you with my mouth. Making you come with my lips and tongue, licking and sucking and… and tasting you…” He broke off, his fingers on her waist almost bruising.

Astrid felt heat rise to her cheeks. She loved how his mouth felt on her skin, her neck and her breasts especially. But the idea of feeling him there…

“Why don’t you?” she asked, voice trembling slightly. “It wouldn’t… break any rules, would it?”

Slowly, he shook his head. “No, it wouldn’t,” he affirmed, slowly. “It’s just that… I don’t know. It’s something different, special in a way. Or it feels that way to me, at least. And, well... I wanted to keep that for our wedding night.” He chuckled, sounding a little embarrassed.

Another kind of fire rose inside her at his words, not the heat of desire like before but more the comfortable warmth of love. Their wedding… Gods, if only they’d reached that day already.

The next page showed a reverse of the previous, the woman with her head between the man’s legs. But upon her question whether she could try this in return, Hiccup merely chuckled. She probably could… but he’d rather she be more experienced all over before she tried this. They moved on through more intriguing-looking pictures, one even seeming to be a combination of those other two, until they reach one that made Astrid laugh.

“Oh, look. They got it wrong there,” she snickered. Sure, she hardly knew anything about sex herself, but even she knew that that wasn’t supposed to go in there.

Hiccup choked on a suppressed laughter. “Actually, no, that’s exactly how they mean it,” he commented rather cheerfully. Astrid turned to give him an incredulous look, but Hiccup just shrugged. “Hey, it’s possible, obviously.”

“But…” she sputtered. “But that’s…” She glanced back at the page, checking whether she’d gotten it right.

“It’s actually not that much different,” Hiccup explained in a calmer tone, his smile still audible though. “I mean, of course, it doesn’t feel the same. But it can still feel really good too; mostly for men but for women too. It’s actually what Eret and Dagur do all the time, or how did you imagine they do it?”

“I…” Astrid began, frowning, but didn’t continue. She actually hadn’t thought about that technicality so far. But of course, it made sense. She leaned down to study the picture closer, thinking.

“We could do this… couldn’t we?”

Behind her, Hiccup instantly sobered up, stiffening. “Astrid,” he began, but she interrupted him directly.

“No, listen. From how I understand, this wouldn’t break my maidenhead, right?”

Hiccup nodded, reluctantly. “Right, but–”

“And it also couldn’t get me pregnant, right?”

“Yes, but–”

“No but,” Astrid interrupted him again, excited now. “We could do this, couldn’t we? Before you have to leave? Just once?” She’d turned around to fully look at Hiccup now, a strange hope flaring up inside her. She couldn’t even say why this was so important to her all of a sudden. But from one moment to the other, the longing to just be that close to him before they had to part, just once, became overwhelming.

But Hiccup was unyielding. “Astrid, this is madness,” he tried to dissuade her. “Anal sex… that’s not the best thing to start with. Besides, I don’t know nearly enough about it, only did it a couple of times. I-I wouldn’t know what I need to do in order to not hurt your, or–”

“Then you can ask Cami when you go see her tomorrow,” Astrid suggested, brushing all his concerns aside. She was hooked now. “And I trust you. You won’t hurt me,” she added, then paused when something else occurred to her. “Unless… unless you don’t want to do it?”

Hiccup had seemed more and more troubled, but at her last words, his frown broke into a soft smile. “Of course I want to,” he assured her. “I just want to do it right, you know? I don’t want to rush anything, and this,” he paused, gulping. “This feels like… cheating, you know? And...”

For a moment, his eyes glazed over a little, his tongue flicking out to wet his lips. It was just for the blink of an eye, but it told Astrid enough. Yes, he was more than interested, only his sense of responsibility holding him back. She shifted closer, idly entangling her fingers with his. “Look, I understand. But can we at least consider it? Not for right now. But can we at least give it a try? Can you ask Cami about it tomorrow; what she thinks about it, what you’d need to know. And then we decide?”

At first, Hiccup still hesitated. But then he gave in, to his own curiosity and her eagerness alike. “Okay. I’ll talk to Cami about it tomorrow. But no promises, okay? If she says that it’s not a good idea for whatever reason, then that’s it, all right?”

Astrid pouted, but agreed. From the few times they’d met by now on various occasions, she knew that Cami was anything but prudish. She certainly wouldn’t be all that reluctant… or if she was then probably for a good reason.

. o O o .

Ah, yes... Astrid really is quite thirsty, isn't she? But let's be honest, who can blame her?

So, the last months have been easier for Hiccup and Astrid than they'd thought. But will that be true for the coming months as well? What will the future bring?

As always, I'm looking forward to hearing what you think :)

Next chapter

#FTLOAP #for the love of a princess #Hiccstrid #fanfiction #Hiccup and Astrid #fluff #lemon #medieval au #Royalty AU #httyd

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pbandjesse · 5 years

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Today was a much better day. Emotionally I waa much happier. And that lead to a much better day.

I still wasnt thrilled to wake up. But I felt cute. And James made me a sandwich and packed me a muffin. Made me feel loved. But I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to be home. But Marcus messaged me that he was staying home. So I could not. I needed to go. It would be good for me to be there with the kids.

I got the bus after a nice bike ride. And got to work on time. I spent the morning doing a little painting for our mural. And then down to see the kids.

Emotionally I could feel myself being better today. So when i had the kids sitting down for yoga, both little kids and big kids, I explained to them my feelings, and how I may have been harsh yesterday. And so i apologized. Because they should hear that adults can own up to mistakes and ackowlege bad days. And we had a good yoga time. The big kids enjoyed ballet. At least most of them. It was still nice.

Art time was fun. I walked around with Bob the lizard on my shoulder. Which freaked all the adults out and made the kids laugh. And we painted and me and Tiffany worked on cleaning the room. The kids who were done helped organize. We sorted paper by color for next weeks project. The youth workers washed containers and fixed up our water color pallets. It was a productive morning.

We had some good times in reading. Lunch was good. At recess poor Bre'Asia rolled over her foot on the skateboard and there were a lot of tears. But I talked her down. I felt bad that she got hurt but I felt proud that she calmed down and we got some ice and worked on some breathing. She was limping a little but she'll be okay.

First time with the big kids I decide we were finally actually going to do some math. Mostly because one of the boys had have jokingly complained that we had only done science Technology and Engineering. Fair. I'm not very good at math. But what I am good at is budgeting. So that's what we did.

I reduce the concept of Economics to the kids. What is an economy. And then we figure it out how someone survives everyday. I asked the kids if any of them ever had a job. I had someone who said that they had mowed lawns or shovel snow. So they were landscapers. We had people who were babysitters. We had someone who had sold something at a bake sale so they were Baker now. We also had trash collectors. Because that's something that I have discovered is a thing in Baltimore. People who pay kids in the neighborhood to clean up. And that's really nice. So I made up prices. Or salaries. We went by the hour first. But before they found out what the pay was they all had to pick a job. They got an index card and they had to write down one of those for jobs on their next car. I didn't want them to pick the job that pay the most. So my landscapers made the most. And my babysitter's made the least. Trash collectors were up there as well and Bakers had two different pay scales. You were either an owner or you work at the bakery. It was only a $5 difference.

Once they had all chosen that we had to figure out what our daily pay was. They took their hourly rate and they times 2 by 8. And then once they have that we had a big r weekly. So they times that by 5. And then we got to figure it out monthly. So we did it by 4. Lot of math.

Then we talked about once and needs. What is a want and what doesn't eat. I basically gave my speech that I give at The Company Store at the BMI. And then I signed prices two things. You spend $200 a month on food. You can spend $50 to $100 a month on clothing. And then you got to choose if you live in a house or apartment or mansion. You chose if you rented or owned. And then I told you how much you paid.

At the end are trash collectors had a good amount of money left over if they own to their house and only spent $50 a month on clothing. No one who had a mansion have any left over money. Most of them were negative $2,000. Whatever babysitters have $50 left over and one had five. It was really interesting to see how they would choose to spend to their needs budget and what they would have left over for a want. I think it kind of opened up their eyes a little bit and that was cool. But we didn't talk about taxes in our math. So we talked about what is attacks why do they take 35 to 45% of our paychecks. Talked about how it pays for public school and the roads and the fire department and homeless shelters and services. How taxes are not a bad thing even though they can feel annoying. Let me talk about minimum wage. I had all of the people that we're getting paid on our board at base level Maryland minimum wage and then it only went up from there. But then we talked about what federal minimum wages. How it hasn't changed since I had my first job in 2009. How even though they're talkin about raising it to $15 an hour it's going to have the same spending power as $7.25. And why that sucks.

People always complain that I never learned how to do a budget or pay taxes in school. Never really learned all taxes were. And I think that's fair. So it was good to be able to talk to my kids today even though they're only between the ages of 10 and 13. I think it was good for them to start thinking about it.

I went took my break after that. Mackenzie was very upset about something so she came inside with me. We both just laid on the couch has listen to her headphones. The day was over. I finished up with little kids. Handed out snacks. Cleaned the room. And then I took everyone downstairs to go home.

James texted me that the landlady for the apartment that we want finally got back to her. The holdup has been that his apartment is not answering her phone calls. She's trying to get some background information and get some contacts on him and they're just not answering. I'm not shocked because they don't seem to answer for anything. The hole-in-the-wall, leaking shower. Annoying but I think she is going to try one more time and if she doesn't hear anything back she's probably just going to go off of my stuff and jobs and things like that. And it's not definite but I think we have the apartment. I told James I'm not going to believe we have it until the keys are in my hand. And if we don't get it I'll be sad but that just means somewhere better is out there.

I took the bus home. I stopped for Chipotle. I got it without sour cream so that I could more easily packet for tomorrow on our field trip. I got back here and I ate my tacos. And packed away the food. I did some sewing. The quilt is almost finished. There's a couple places I'm going to have to hand sew because of where the beads are. But most of it's complete. I only cut myself on sewing needles four times today. I worked until my back hurt. And then I hung out for a bit.

James is at a dinner with all of his boyfriends. I hope he's having a good time. I had a panic because sweet peas mouth is still very swollen so I tried to give him a Benadryl and he started foaming at the mouth and crying and I thought he was choking it was really upsetting. But he's okay. I gave him some milk to get the taste out of his mouth. And I took a bath and tried to calm down. And now I'm going to work on my backpack for the field trip tomorrow. We are going to a ropes course. We're driving almost all the way to Virginia. I think. I'm not entirely sure where we're going. But I'm very excited. And it seems like only about half of our kids are actually coming so it maybe it'll just be like a nice chill day. Love a chill day.

So wish me luck. I am terribly afraid of heights so a Ropes Course in the trees is terrifying. But it'll be a good time. I love being in nature. But I love being with my kids. So it should be good. I hope you all have a great night. Sleep well. Be safe. Send Good Vibes.

#ootd #work #babe #selfie #art #in progress #kids art #camp #thursday

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polyputthekettleon · 3 years

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Month 1 on HRT Round Up Post

It's been one month since D started HRT! There have been some really cool things happening, along with the occasional big and little bumps (lots more on those in other posts). Based on what I've read, her body has responded VERY quickly in comparison to many other people's experiences. For what it's worth, she's in her mid-thirties and had a pre-HRT testosterone level of around 300, and has only been taking estradiol, not an anti-androgen. Additionally, in case it helps clarify things, she and I are polyamorous, I am very sexually and physically expressive with my partners and having a lot of sex and touch in my life is important to me, and I'm about a 2.5 on the Kinsey scale (I can feel sexual attraction to people across the gender spectrum, though I lean a bit more androphilic than gynephilic). Also, my emotional experience of this past month was incredibly heightened, thanks to my anxiety running out of control (so much so that I'm now taking pills for it, phew!), and the stuff that felt like HUUUGE problems for me may be far less of a huge deal for other people.

Month 1 On Estrogen

Week 1

The night she got her prescription was pure joy. The clinic she went to practices informed consent for hormone therapy, and in my partner's case that resulted in her only having to go to two appointments -- one initial consultation so her provider could order lab work to make sure she was healthy (she made sure to fast the morning prior to her appointment, so she could get her blood work done right away!), and then a few days later, an appointment to make a treatment plan and get her prescription. She declined an anti-androgen to start and made a plan with her provider for her to take 2mg of estradiol daily. We walked out of that appointment with her *bouncing* all the way to the car because she was so excited, picked her prescription from the pharmacy the moment it was available, and she took the pill while we were still in the drug store's parking lot. I have never seen her so happy and at peace than after she took that first pill. Seriously -- in the face of such beautiful, sublime JOY, any lingering anxiety I had been feeling over the changes that these pills might cause and what those changes could mean for my relationship with her dissolved faster than that blue tablet under her tongue (at least for the next few days). She was euphoric, and I rose right with her.

After 3-4 days, she would feel warm and tingly and extra cuddly starting about half an hour after she took her pill every morning, and her nipples were feeling more sensitive. She also described feeling like she had more emotional energy and generally just feeling very happy, and characterized it as her brain going "NOM NOM NOM NOM ESTROGEN," as it finally received the hormone that had been missing. It was so exciting and fulfilling for me to get to witness her joy, and we shared some *really* enjoyable touch and sex during this phase. In one I will say, in one encounter, she described her skin as feeling "on fire," and pretty much everywhere I touched or kissed made her gasp and moan. It did not suck, AT ALL. Something else that had started to shift prior to HRT became really significant and noticeable to me at this point (I'm including it because aspects of it may have been impacted by her hormones changing): she became less interested in penis-in-vagina penetrative sex (she uses different terms for her genitals, but I'm using penis here for clarity), and started preferring to orgasm under her own stimulation, or just skip the orgasm entirely (there were lots of "mini orgasms," though, and those were super fun). As someone who gains a lot of pleasure and satisfaction from being an active participant in my partners' orgasms, and who has felt a LOT of anxiety over how HRT was going to impact my sexual connection with my partner, this change was hard for me to sit with, and I struggled to feel sexually connected with her as this became more commonplace over the course of the week (pre-HRT and during this first week, we tended to have sex at least every other day, sometimes a couple of times a day). Additionally, in the back of my mind, I was worried about what things would look like if/when she lost her sex drive, whether it would come back, and how I would feel if penis-in-vagina sex entirely stopped being an option for her and me. It had always been something she and I enjoyed immensely with each other, and I felt SCARED that without that particular flavor of interaction, our connection would suffer. This was quite different from what I observed in her response to the possibility of no longer getting erections -- she stated that while she would prefer to still be able to become and stay erect, she was "along for the ride" wherever the hormones would take her.

Within 7 days, her energy really started to dip, and I noticed that she was no longer waking up with erections the way she had prior to taking HRT. She started splitting her pills in half so she got some estrogen in the morning and some in the middle of the day, which helped with her energy levels somewhat, but she still slumped HARD whenever the estradiol had been fully processed by her body, and she looked and acted absolutely exhausted and out of fuel at night.

Week 2

By 10 days, her sex drive was nil and her energy was super low between estradiol doses. This coincided (unsurprisingly) with her not experiencing any erections and also having zero desire to receive touch in a sexual context. The lack of energy and sexual desire also reduced her interest in giving touch, sexual or otherwise. This hit me hard: between her exhaustion and the inaccessibility of one of our favorite ways to connect, I was hurting and missing my person, a lot. I also really struggling to feel desired in my relationship with her, since she literally wasn't feeling desire, even when she very considerately provided occasional sexual stimulation to me (and expressed her enjoyment at seeing me enjoy that stimulation). It was very challenging for me to attempt to receive from a partner who didn't want anything given back when previously in our relationship sex had always been very much about an exchange of pleasure, and the experience brought up a lot of feelings of shame on my end. This week was HARD to get through, and I credit therapy, friends (including folks on here), and my very lovely other partners as the support that helped me get through without directing all my anxiety her way and/or remaining in a near-constant state of crying (though there was a fair amount of that, too). For her sex drive vanish so soon after starting hormones, and for it to feel so completely gone felt VERY disorienting to me, and it kicked off a fresh wave of fear and feeling like I was losing my partner*. I found out later that she was missing our sexual connection too, and honestly, it felt really, really good to hear that I wasn't alone in feeling frustrated about the absence of her sex drive - I wish I had asked her sooner and hadn't tried to bury my feelings. [* For the record, before someone goes off in the comments about it: I know that I have not lost the person who is my partner, and that she is living more as herself than ever before, and that this is a beautiful, happy thing that is happening in her life. I know, and I am ecstatic for her. HOWEVER, grieving the loss of the male persona I thought was my partner for two years is a feeling that I have been working with, and if there's anything that years of going to lots and lots and LOTS of therapy have taught me (heh, I must be in my 30s!), it's that it's important for me to feel and acknowledge ALL of my emotions without judging myself for having them or attempting to censor them, so that I can actually process stuff and not get stuck. Thanks for coming to my TED talk!]

Somewhere between the 2- and 3-week mark, she reached out to her doctor and asked if she could increase her estradiol dose because her energy was so incredibly low and was impacting her work and her ability to show up for her kids. The doctor agreed and increased her prescription to 4mg a day. She tried just taking two whole pills, one in the morning and one in the middle of the day, instead of continuing to split them, but she found that breaking the estradiol up into 4 doses of 1mg apiece and spreading her doses 3-4 hours apart helped her energy and mood feel the most stable (note: there are 1mg estradiol tablets out there, for those who don't want to mess with splitting their pills). The increase in estrogen did indeed improve her energy levels -- it also made her INCREDIBLY emotionally volatile for a few days after increasing her dose. She described the feeling as wanting to cry and kill everyone at the same time. It reminded me of the hormone drop I experienced in the days after I gave birth, and her other partner compared it to her own cis experience of PMS mood swings. Once my partner's body adjusted to the new level of estrogen, the random crying spells stopped, BUT she has expressed that it's now just generally easier for her to cry, and I've observed that she gets teary more often these days than before she started HRT. Another thing she noticed at this point is her muscle strength starting to lessen, which I understand felt bittersweet for her. Since deciding to start HRT, she's been working to reframe muscle loss as not being something that's going to keep her from doing the stuff that she enjoys (woodworking and blacksmithing, in her case), but instead being something that may ask her to learn a different approach to some of her work. That reframe has seemed to be empowering and reduced the feeling of HRT's effects meaning a choice between transitioning in the way that feels best to her and her being able to pursue her passions. One more thing: somewhere around this point, I noticed a shift in her body's smell. She started to smell sweeter on her skin. Just a subtle note, but definitely a change.

Week 3

Around the beginning of Week 3, her sex drive started to make an appearance again, along with occasional erections. She had been taking Cialis prior to starting HRT, but has since stopped, so it isn't clear how much of the change in the behavior of her erections is due to her antidepressant's side-effects no longer being countered by ED medication, and how much is due to lower testosterone levels. That said, her penis is now less likely to become fully erect, and her erections seem more easily impacted by her emotional state than before; if she's feeling really, really good they tend to happen, but a shift in mood can make her penis flaccid very quickly. Her feeling aroused also doesn't always equate to her getting or sustaining an erection anymore, which is more similar to my experience of how cis clitorises tend to behave. I felt a HUGE sense of relief when her sex drive returned, and my perception is that she was quite happy about it as well. That said, while she has a sex drive again, it's different than it was before - her libido seems to be lower (though of course, this could also be for non-hormonal reasons), and instead of having sex 3-6 times a week, we're having sex 1-2 times a week (if a two-week sample size is enough to judge by, and it might be higher if we saw each other every day, but alas, the perils of polyamory 🤷🏻). While she and I have continued to enjoy penetrative sex sometimes, that way of interacting is making up a smaller portion of our sex life than before. I'm enjoying, and she says she is also enjoying, me approaching her body more like how I approach sexual interactions with cis female partners --- lots more touch and kisses and nibbles all over her body, making sure to emphasize her breasts and nipples with both my hands and mouth, and lots of oral and manual stimulation on her entire pelvic/genital/upper thigh region, anywhere that seems to feel good. Her stomach and neck/back areas started to become more sensitive during this time as well. It's been really exciting to explore and find new spots to touch and play with on her body.

Also by Week 3, it became undeniable: her breasts started to grow!! Just teeny ones, but it became clear that there is more fat there than there was before, and they hang like breasts do when she lays on her side (in their gorgeous teeny tiny way). They also started hurting more; prior to this week her breast tissue been sensitive and a little sore, by this point they felt sore to brush up against or tap on them. Righty started out bigger than Lefty, but Lefty started to hurt too (and spoiler alert: by Week 4 Lefty showed more growth). I've been avoiding putting too much pressure on them, and I'm being extra careful when I handle her breasts and nipples. Another change: one day, I noticed that her skin on her back had become softer to the touch, as well, which was kind of the coolest, most magical thing for me. For whatever reason, I hadn't believed the thing about estrogen making skin softer, but sure as hell, there the proof was right under my fingertips, super soft skin. It was WILD. One more thing that happened this week: her ejaculate tasted sweet. Especially her pre-cum, which was sweet like sugar. Her cum was less tangy than usual, but not really to the point of the candy-sweet that I've heard some people talk about. Still a definite different flavor -- and when she came back into the bedroom after cleaning up post-sex, she said it smelled different as well.

Week 4

This past week (Week 4), she shared that me running my hand over the bottom of her ribs on her stomach was feeling particularly erotic to her, which is something that previously didn't do anything pleasurable for her, and that the physical sensations of touch in her genital area and when she orgasms have changed, becoming more spread out. Orgasms are definitely seeming to be rarer than they were pre-HRT, but she also seems to be feeling more readily sated with sensation without orgasm. I am also adjusting -- honestly, it's so nice to have ANY sex back in our relationship, I am just happy that it's happening when it happens!! She also noted that when she ejaculates, the little globules in her cum that she's used to seeing aren't there. Her breasts have also progressed all the way to SORE now, and she can fill out the cups of a AA bra she bought. I can feel the difference on her chest; there is a distinct dip between her breasts that used to be much smaller, and I love running my hands (LIGHTLY) all over her chest. Finally, at the very end of this week, I realized with absolute delight and surprise (as well as some passing disorientation weirdness, because her face looked different than the face I'm used to seeing) that I could actually see something different about her cheeks. They really are looking fuller and softer, just ever so slightly. And she says it seems like the circles under her eyes have lessened a bit. Maybe it's the increase in nutrient-rich food she eating and the improved sleep she's been getting -- or maybe it's the subcutaneous fat shifting around courtesy of estrogen. Or both! Either way, it felt really cool that when I saw a FaceApp feminized picture of her that she made way back at the beginning of her gender exploration journey last year, I had to do a double-take before I concluded it wasn't just her with a particular make-up look on or something. It's not so much that she looks exactly like that image (though they do have a lot in common); it's more that I see the HER in her face, instead of the HIM I used to see, and judging from HRT's effects so far, I am certain that more and more people will be able to see her too. And I am so very excited to be there for it.

#transitioning relationship

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sweetcatastrophex · 4 years

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okay it’s time to record my thoughts. lately i’ve been feeling, not myself? idk i’ve been irritable and short with jake, giving him attitude, and he’s rightly upset and i think i’m projecting my worries onto him. it wouldn’t be the first time i’ve projected my anxiety. this monday was the deadline for the biggest issue of the year and i was in production until 1:50 a.m. (my work day began at around 8:30 a.m.) i’m so relieved to be done with it, as well as the annual guide. between that and election coverage i’ve been feeling stressed (as i do around this time every year bc of election coverage. remember a couple years ago when i had to see a few doctors and have tests done bc i was feeling lightheaded all the time and having panic attacks? lol yeah). and a few nights ago i had a work-related stress dream. maybe i’m feeling burnt out? what else is new. but maybe i’m feeling burnt out bc i’ve taken zero days off this year bc of the pandemic and bc my company restricted our PTO days and i couldn’t attend my annual festival/camping trip bc it was canceled. i always looked forward to that trip not only bc it’s fun and exciting, but bc it was an opportunity for me to unplug / take a break from work and regular life and be immersed in nature and creativity and fun activities, all without worrying about work or my social life bc i have no phone service out there. i loved going off the grid for a few days, experiencing new things and meeting new, interesting people. but that’s just it — i’ve been feeling like my creativity has been quashed. it’s funny, or ironic, bc you’d think now that we’re stuck home all the time i’d have time to pursue certain creative projects i’ve pushed to the side for so long, but no. by the time i’m finished with work i’m drained and exhausted and end up eating dinner and falling asleep with jake. i haven’t even had a sex drive...these past couple of months i’ve experienced the longest period of time i’ve ever gone without sex lol. wtf. i hate how my anxiety and worries manifest in my body physically. with that being said, i’m extremely grateful for my yoga practice and meditation (s/o calm app for being my meditation coach) bc it makes it manageable. without it i think i’d be lost, hopeless; a mess. i’ve been writing down things that i’d like to do or try in an effort, somewhat, to manifest them. things like cutting my hair even shorter and dying the ends blue, getting a tattoo on my arm, moving to florida, enrolling in yoga teacher training, trying hip hop dance classes, trying pole dancing, trying aerial yoga and lyra hooping... sometimes i feel like i’m gonna explode and spontaneously move and restart my life. i almost feel caught, trapped. i’m also experiencing discomfort each time i think about changing jobs. i’m concerned about the transition from journalism to PR — am i selling out? am i giving up my integrity? what if i don’t like the position and my duties? what if it doesn’t pay enough? it’s so expensive to live around here. i genuinely don’t understand how people afford it. not to mention all that is going on in the world. the injustices i see every day are sickening and disturbing. this country has grown unrecognizable to me. when my generation was growing up we were told relentlessly how great america is and now we are watching all the dirty lies unfold before our eyes. i often wonder about Netflix’s role in the media, the way it has been exposing certain people and organizations. but that’s for another post. it’s all become so much. i get overwhelmed easily. and as an empath, i feel deeply for all of the people harmed and can’t help but cry a lot of the time. and lately jake has been putting on a docu-series about a man who manipulated women into joining a sex cult and who’s blackmailing them and it keeps reminding me of my abusive ex and triggering me. and he puts it on right before we fall asleep... which leads me to: i’ve been experiencing these weird jerks/twitches as i’m falling asleep which 1. isn’t new and 2. is normal. but still. i believe (and studies suggest) it stems from anxiety. it helps when i meditate before going to sleep but i usually meditate in the mornings. i often watch youtube videos to learn tips about how to become more productive. i feel like i have this obsession with productivity — i tend to feel useless if i’m not productive. maybe that’s what brought me to work in public service / why i’m in the field of journalism. idk but i do practice self-compassion if i’m not productive. at least i think i do. i want to make some changes in my life. i want to bc i feel like i’m living the same day over and over again, always resulting in failure — i wake up somewhat late, slowly get into work, procrastinate, stop working, get high and play video games or go out for drinks, then go to sleep late bc i’m feeling like i could still tick some items off the to-do list or bc i’m self-sabotaging bc i didn’t get enough done. then i have trouble waking up early (i’m coming to terms with the fact that you gotta go to sleep early to wake up early). i’ve tried reducing the number of tasks on my lists... i think what i need to do is start waking up earlier. but for me that’s a big undertaking. i’ve always been a night owl — growing up i’d keep notebooks under my pillow for my late-night thoughts and poems — it’s when i’m most creative. but i just feel a shift. i’ve been reading and learning so much about people who are “morning people” and how they’re so productive, having accomplished so much before the clock even marked 10 a.m. so i want that. if i wake up earlier i’ll have more alone time (so! important!) to get things done. at least that’s what i’m telling myself. which brings me to another point and then i think i’m done venting lol this was a much-needed journaling sesh (still got my ~physical paper~ daily journal and to-do list journal, in addition to my work notebook😂 and my new planner/organizer from youtuber muchelleb just came in! lol). alone time is so important to me. and i have had none of that lately lol bc i’ve been living with jake. and don’t get me wrong, i absolutely love living with jake and his dad and my fur babies morty and bailey (a long-haired chihuahua and a maltese, respectively). morty is the light of my life, my prince, my love. but i almost sense a loss of identity bc i haven’t been spending time in my room — my own space with my own belongings and decorations, etc. i also kind of miss seeing my family but don’t at the same time (i enjoy my mental health being stable). and also don’t miss my cluttered house that my parents refuse to clean and declutter. i can’t possibly think straight in a cluttered environment like that so i’ve been extra grateful for being able to stay with jake these past few months. idk how i would’ve been able to work and eat (somewhat) clean otherwise. so in conclusion, with the good comes the bad. it’s a balance. don’t they say you can’t have sunshine without a little rain? or something like that. there’s things i’m grateful for but there’s also things i recognize need changing. it’s time for action. i’m hoping i’ll feel back on track once i purchase and install a new bed frame with storage in my room. one positive that this “quarantine” time has brought is that jake and i have been overhauling my room — removing things, cleaning, rearranging. the energy is different. it’s time to finish the project, then maybe i’ll feel more apt to stay at my own house more often, once my own private space is ready for dwelling. i think some time apart would do me and jake some good. they also say distance makes the heart grow fonder. ;-)

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landonho1993 · 4 years

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How To Prevent Divorce After An Affair Easy And Cheap Cool Tips

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Can Couples Therapy Save A Marriage

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Save Sexless Relationship

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#How To Prevent Divorce After An Affair Easy And Cheap Cool Tips #How To Save A Relationship After Lyi

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