#i know that wouldn't happen and it doesn't matter at all thats just my anxiety telling me i'll go to hell | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vesora · 10 months

Text

is it a real problem or are you trapped in your mind?

this one goes to my anxious girlies

the past few weeks I've been extremely trapped in my mind, ruminating whether someone would backstab me or whether a friend would leave me and of course there is no evidence of that in real life, it's all in mind. that being said, deep down i know that nothing would happen and im sure deep down you all know as well that nothing would happen. but the what ifs are so strong that you can't handle yourself practising the law.

this doesn't mean you can't manifest during this time, we always manifest, just now you can consciously manifest things you want. e.g. I wanted a psychic message from someone and I received it; I got money when I needed it; I never wait for public transport even if the app shows that it is coming in like 30 minutes (because we don't pay attention to 3d). I've noticed my anxious and extremely intrusive thoughts never manifest, especially after learning the law so I don't want you to be scared of your own mind. You, as the supreme being and consciousness ARE your mind but your mind is not you. In the grand scheme of things, the mind is unreal so what would the "3d" listen to? Some jumble of anxious fearful thoughts that do not exist except from when you aware of it or the command of God themselves?

all in your (unreal) mind:

don't punish yourself, stop harming yourself by trapping yourselves in your mind. simply drop the thought. if you find that hard, you can work on it by eliminating the possibilities but from experience, that still never makes the fear go away. the fear is so primal, so noticeable that the only way it feels it can go away for me is if I end everything and thats not good right? why would God be a victim to her character's thoughts? Why wouldn't God just change the garment?

The hardest thing is to just ACCEPT. "Just accept you have it" was the hardest thing for me to apply because soras entire life was just finding every possible solution for the worst case scenario in case people hurt her or I am seen in a way that doesn't represent her (aka being misunderstood). See how i am using her and sora to describe things I experienced? It's because I have the POWER to completely eradicate any trauma or any pain by just choosing to adorn myself in another state. I am not sora but sora is me, therefore I have control over soras experiences. You are not a victim to your circumstance, when you find the law you have the power to create your own life, you create new circumstances by adopting a new version of yourself. You are in control no matter what the unreal mind says.

breathe in, breathe out:

Excuse my language but honestly fuck the mind???? It only knows what it has learned from its surroundings and you are above the surroundings so why would you listen to such a limited thing?

Do you think if you dismiss the thoughts you won't be prepared for what you think is about to come? Do you feel you constantly have to be on defense mode protecting yourself either from physical or emotional harm?

I understand, I was the same way and sometimes I still revert back to it. However the thing is, who is creating whats about to come? YOU ARE! Don't you get it? Nothing can happen without your consent (once you accept your power of course). You are not a victim to circumstances. You are never the receiver, you are always the creator. Bask yourself in lovely states with lovely thoughts. It is okay if you do not believe it or if your body is resisting it, just please persevere. We can't let anxiety win. What is anxiety to a God?

our negative beliefs falling after we disown them:

Read this by Edward Art

358 notes · View notes

femmesandhoney · 1 month

Note

If it's not too intrusive can I ask how you deal w your pmdd ?

I dont have it but my PMS is fucking brutal I was depressed fucking felt like paralyzed in bed due to anxiety, didnt go to classes,then like a few days later i got my period and then everything made sense.

But i just cant like lose a week of my life like this every month. How do you deal with it?

i went on birth control for it but got off of it after a year bc i decided i disliked the effects of birth control, but that did help my symptoms tons and i wouldn't lie to anyone who wanted to go on it bc it did help me, i made a choice to get off of it unrelated to my pmdd.

managing symptoms can be difficult, often my first "response" is to recognize when my emotions are being affected by my pmdd. usually i can tell pretty quickly bc one day i'll walk up and everything makes me rage at the drop of a hat and then get very sad or agitated just as quick, my emotional regulation just being absolutely dogshit to concern anyone around me if they happen to be on the receiving end of my aggression or if they could jump inside my head and see how it was playing out. after so many years knowing i have pmdd, im able to recognize how a lot of that emotional instability isn't "me" and that im being affected by an "outside" force (oncoming period and hormones dropping). i usually do my best to stay mindful of my reactions then and try and do stuff that calms me down and gets my mind away from what had ruptured my emotional state. usually this occurs right in the morning when i get up, so its a fairly quick light bulb moment for me.

and im definitely used to like a shit ton of negative self talk that over the years ive gotten a better hand on, so when those real lows come around, im much better at talking myself out of those low states, but my pmdd doesn't manifest as strongly or too long with huge depressive states. usually, i just try to find other things to distract me when i feel that low, like chatting with friends, family, watching a movie, going on a walk, eating good food, no matter how small can help shift my mood to a more positive direction. when we're down, our brains are really good at thinking about other sad shit, bc our brain sucks like that, so getting ahead of that curve and trying to intentionally distract yourself with better things can generally help. but again, do not feel bad if that doesn't work for you, bc long depressive states aren't what i normally deal with and my advice is general here.

in terms of anxiety and similar emotions, i feel you deeply there. i manage that similar to how i manage any form of anxiety, which is just to do whatever it is that my anxiety thinks i cannot do, as thats the quickest way to rewrite that pathway in ur brain. it can seem very daunting, but it really does help and you can take baby steps all the while. and usually i end up feeling better after i go to whatever it was i was terrified to go to, which when we're feeling terrible af can sometimes make our day a bit better.

i would also say, sometimes i don't do anything during my pmdd time either bc it really does feel like shit even when ive tried combating it and being mindful of myself, some days really do just suck and i wanna lay in bed and hermit away. i don't think you should beat yourself up about that if some months that happens. its gonna happen again even after we have some successes, pmdd can be very unpredictable and sometimes our environment and our day to day lives just affect it even more and cause some months to be worse than others, and that doesn't mean you're lazy or not trying hard enough or anything like that.

#pmdd #i hope this somewhat can be helpful to you #my main things are pretty much mindfulness and distraction tbh #but exercise can be helpful (i never mean intense workout unless thats ur jam) bc going outside can be meditative for us when we really nee #to try and shift our mood to a more neutral place #I've also been managing my pmdd like this for a few yrs now so ive had a lot of practice at finding ways to deal w it that work for me #so don't feel bad if my methods don't help you either im positive you'll find ways even if that includes meds!

6 notes · View notes

summerlycoris · 7 months

Text

Okay so I'm putting this here because Dad really fucking pissed me off today and If I don't write something I'll just-

So I was helping him to put in a veranda and ramp on the front of my house today. Work projects with Dad would be difficult, but not misery, if he could just. Fucking. Not be a dick for 5 seconds.

Unfortunately my dad has "must be a dick every 5 seconds " disease so that's never fucking happening lmao lol roflmao.

Anyway. He was ragging out my brothers girlfriend Rochelle. And yeah. She's got problems. Neither of us can see the relationship lasting. (Rochelle's nice, but not to brodie. She let's her anxiety get the best of her, and constantly embarrasses him in front of their friends making out of line jokes, and emotionally abusing him.)

Dad thinks the reason they're not going to last is that Rochelle is on disability and is "a leech" "She's going nowhere." He used himself (hes not fucking diagnosed. And normally im all for self diagnosis. But not for this cuntwad. I WILL gatekeep from my damn dad because fuck him thats why.) me and my brother as examples of disabled people who don't need help.

And that ticked me off. Because I do need help. I just don't get help. Brodie needs help too. He just can't get it. Hell, maybe if dad had help as a kid he wouldn't have been such a bastard when we were kids. (He's fucked up 2/3 kids. Bad odds when your a parent. And he's still got plenty of time to fuck up the 3rd kid! SHES ONLY 4 YEARS OLD.)

I can't remember exactly, but I try to tell him that my life wasn't great and that I could've used some help. He asks how my life sucked so bad.

And I'm just fucking gobsmacked. Mum did this too recently- despite literally being the one to say that she thought I was gonna off myself at 11 years old years ago. Do these two not have any fucking memories?

I told him I'd been bullied all through school. (Couldn't exactly tell him he'd treated me like dirt whenever he was home) and he was like "well you're living a better life than your bullies. I bet they don't own a house."

I got so fucking angry. And I couldn't explain it at the time. But I can now- it doesn't matter what YOU think. Or what Mum thinks. Or what the fucking goldfish think. You don't live my life! And my opinions the one that matters, because im the one living that life. And I think my life's kinda shit!

I can't make friends. Not because I'm necessarily bad at talking to people (I can mask better now than I ever could as a kid) but because I just can't feel the same way about talking to people as I could as a kid. Like this may not make any sense- but when I was a kid before everything? I liked talking to people. It wasn't a chore. I didn't have to overanalise everything. But now it is. I quickly finish up talking to people thinking something like "Thank god that's over" or "Thank god that didn't go badly" and it's so. Fucking. Tiring.

So I'm gonna be alone forever. Not because of some incel bullshit. But just because I literally can't do it. I just can't fucking do it right. I can't go back to being 8 and being excited to meet someone new. I can't even go back to being 19 and bring willing to try making friends.

I'm 28. And I've spent most of my life being lonely.

And he's like- you've got the autism support group- but we meet once a month and I sometimes can't even MAKE it due to work and there's acquaintances. I don't even know most of their NAMES.

And it all just sent me into a tailspin honestly. Like the day was okay until he decided to be himself and trod over some exposed nerves. Then run his fucking jeep over them for good measure.

He's like "your like van goth" and I'm like "he killed himself" and he says "but you won't do rhat" and honestly dad? There's still fucking time. Better 17 years late than never huh????

Fuck, I needed to get that off my chest. I can't stand him. I really can't. But I kinda have to because I want to still know mum and nikara.

It's just amazing how he can just. Always find a way to ruin my day. Today was supposed to be good. It's autism group meet up night. I'm supposed to take Rochelle and one of brodies friends there. But I think if I go tonight I'll just be a miseryguts and cry everywhere. And I've got a surprise work shift tomorrow from 7-3pm. And then my fucking On Week at work. Despite not really having much time off from it and work doing a number on me even during my fucking off week this week. It's just not worth going oh my fucking God I hate this.

#summerly talks

3 notes · View notes

transenbyconfessions · 1 year

Note

this is my first time submitting something here, i've been reading them for a while though.

i am an afab nonbinary (?? maybe transmasc ??) teen. i bound for about a year, I used gc2b because at that point the quality info wasn't well known. but now, im pretty sure i've injured myself from binding. and i didn't do anything wrong too. that's honestly the most annoying thing out of all of this: i followed all the rules, i was careful, i listened to my body, and still, i got hurt. on-and-off I have had some pain for the past few months (i stopped binding in about december/january) for a while, i thought the pain only happened when i ran (which i don't like and also gives me panic attacks). so for the most part i avoided running and would stop when i could because of pain. anyways, the pain had mostly gone away until a few days ago. i am still pretty confused about why its randomly getting worse, but its definitely injured somehow. this all ends up mattering because of what happened yesterday. so i'm a climber, which at my school has just started to be recognized as a varsity sport. my "coach" got all mad at me yesterday for asking to not run because i was in pain already, and running makes it worse, also i wasn't mentally there and capable to run. i tried explaining and it just made it worse. when you tell him something he doesn't want to hear, he gets really mad and defensive. i normally wouldn't have too much of an issue with this except for this is one of my closest friends dads. and he was so different last year, when my friend was here. anyways, thats just relevant for the story in my brain. i am just so mad that this happened and that people aren't listening to me and believing what i'm saying because it isn't as visible of an injury (like with mental illness too).

TLDR, i know i need to go to the doctor about this, but i have a new doctor who I've never met and and i don't want the first conversation with her to be super vulnerable and shit because i have really bad anxiety. if anyone has any suggestions about how to explain binding injuries to medical professionals, that would be great. obviously there isn't much research about trans healthcare (especially because i'm in the USA). also, if anyone knows anything about other good binder companies that are sensory friendly, i would appreciate suggestions.

thanks for letting me talk about this <3

Submitted March 28, 2023

17 notes · View notes

golbrocklovely · 2 years

Note

As someone who’s boyfriend has some form of ability where he can see actual figures and feel energies, i genuinely don’t think Kat has a gift but more so is reacting due to fear. Before they even arrived to the place she wanted to throw up and appeared on edge, that to me is the biggest factor. Another common trait that occurs due to fear is chills or numbness. They were in Canada in the middle of a snow storm and she tried to claim her hands being cold was due to a entity holding her hand AFTER someone said that might be it.

You can not just shut off emotions on and off, and i believe the more she thought about it and heard a radiator going off, the more she freaked herself out. If you really want to test your abilities, go at places like a skeptic and just allow things to happen. If you go in already expecting a place to have activity then you are going to feel activity no matter what because your brain will play tricks on you. I feel this is the reason we saw little to no reaction from Sam because he has said in prior videos she has a tendency to overreact and thinks everything is paranormal now. Even little thumps in his house scare her now.

My boyfriend has had instances where we will walk into some random old or empty place and he will zone out and back away. Or he’ll just stare and then after a long while will have a reaction. This is something he’s had since he was a kid and his sister has the same gift and reactions. You have to think logically and not just assume. Colby… thats different he doesn’t react right away or freak out, his reactions are almost random, whatever he feels in the Estes method i wouldn’t call it paranormal communication but more so sensitivity to sound or chronic anxiety.

i wouldn't be so quick to say neither one of them are intuitive to spirits. there is more than one way to communicate with spirits. while your bf might be clairvoyant, kat and colby could be a different clair, like clairsentient or claircognizant or maybe even clairaudient.

i personally believe that everyone has the ability to talk to spirits, it's just whether or not you want to talk to them. if you have no need or want to, it's not gonna happen. which i kinda believe is why sam doesn't get as much "interaction" as the rest do. while he definitely wants evidence, i don't think he fully believes in all the paranormal stuff he has experienced himself. and especially if you're one of his friends, he's more likely to not believe you at all unless he saw it/experienced it too.

that being said, kat and colby definitely get scared, and that can cause them to feel freaked out by any tiny little bump or immediately feel sick just bc they were anxious, but i think we have to look at the bigger picture.

there have been other investigations in the past where kat wasn't freaking out as much as she was in the last one, and she still felt something. something that the rest of them didn't. and the thing is, spirits (at least what i believe) communicate in a multitude of different ways. one of those ways is to make a person sick. that's why in paranormal places, ppl tend to get headaches, back pain, nausea when ghost are trying to communicate with them. they usually aim for your weaker spots on your body. yes, part of that could be fear making you feel ill, but i think it is also the spirit trying to communicate.

but i do think in this past video she was getting freaked out just bc of everything going on, both paranormal and not.

and then with colby... he's definitely an enigma. i think he's definitely intune to picking up other's feelings, both in a paranormal sense and irl. and he also gets that sick feeling kat gets. i do think his experiences with anxiety can make him feel nauseous (he's talked about how his anxiety in the past made him feel like throwing up), but again, i think it's also a paranormal thing bc that spot would be weaker aka easier for spirits to communicate with him thru.

obviously, i don't know any of this for certain. but just basing it off of what i can tell and the basic info i do know about communicating with the paranormal and the group itself, i could see colby and kat being intuitive to spirits more so than sam. i mean, even stas has had some experiences, so she's definitely intuitive in some regard. and i think with what might happen in this series, sam's intuition might open up finally.

#ask #personal #sam and colby #sam golbach #colby brock

14 notes · View notes

lilyclawthorne · 3 years

Text

Keeping Up A-fear-ance's Thoughts

I finished writing this shortly after 3 am after watching the new episode like three times because I simply had too much energy about it and I have so many thoughts because I simply live for clawthornes and also I tried to break it up with more photos this time sorry not sorry if it's a lot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

YOUNG EDA!! let me just say I am quite a fan of opening with a flashback like we've done here and the last episode

"we have never seen a curse like this before" Lilith you had shit luck picking out curses huh

"cut it out if we have to" goddamn Gwen let'a calm the fuck down a bit.

anyways we've only really seen young Eda as a wild and confident and happy little child so I appreciate seeing this side of her with the anxiety and fear she's feeling here. I love seeing what the curse stuff was like for her as a kid

Gwen: I raised a perfectly fine kid

Me: no you didn't look at her she's got anxiety

I'm guessing this is their backyard or just some woods behind their house?? wonder if the portal was placed there by another elder family member.

lmao I can't even begin to imagine what small Eda experiencing the human realm was like for the first time

Gwens giving me "I can't accept that my child is disabled/chronically ill/etc." here. y’know the kinda parent that'll put their kid through hell over something they probably will find a way to learn to live with (which Eda did do)

ok that's it I humbly request to know the story behind the fang now (also the noise she made when she put it in was freaking cute)

new dress! new boots! new dress! new boots!

..yikes that fridge is empty

"calm down the curse acts stronger when you're stressed" Eda do you know who you're talking to here

confirmation losing limbs is in fact a side effect of the curse!! (y'know since Eda originally said it just happens when you get older)

please I love these sisters they're so sweet and make me wanna go 🥺

"suddenly curious about my past" "always. always curious" Luz says exactly what we all think

witchlet?? sweet flea?? she's got pet names for them 🥺 (although idk how much I'd like to be referred to as any kind of flea sorry Lilith)

ok Gwen is very much not close to what I expected and I'm kinda grateful for that

she's more like super caring but still managed to royally fuck up which was my original head canon for clawthorne parents so uh that's cool. but literally, look at their body language, Eda's pissed, Lilith's sad and making herself small. she's clearly messed up with her parenting on both of them along the way.

"who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" mama clawthorne would be a fucking anti-vaxxer wouldn't she

ok I side with Eda here more than Luz and Lilith. just because Luz misses her mother, or Lilith hasn’t seen their mom in so long doesn’t mean Eda has to feel all grateful for the presence of Gwen, especially if the woman has caused her a lot of trouble over the years

I feel like the fact that its actually both Lilith and Gwendolyn have spent their whole lives dedicated to trying to find a cure could probably have held some kind of weight on Eda at some point. Even though she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that, I still feel like it's gotta suck knowing these people have spent so much time on something you know is likely never gonna happen, all for you.

Lilith 😞 her mother really just didn't pay attention to her all these years

hey if this guy does some next level healing magic then why isn't he more well-known, huh? why’d it take so long to come across him?? Gwen do you know what the fuck you're doing cause I think you don't

Lilith just because you're depressed about your mom doesn't mean you have to bring king down too 😠

SUPER irrelevant but is anyone else just bothered by the way Lilith is holding her spoon?? that doesn't seem like a comfortable way to hold a spoon. also is she left handed??

"knife season came early" EDA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. is this a boiling isles things or is this a it’s common for people to throw knives at you thing

also I want to be surprised Eda fell for the apple blood signs but I am not 😔

Luz please trust you're gut on this one and not mama clawthorne

ok now I need to know why the fridge was empty but they had 18 cartons of ice cream this is why you guys don't have food you're wasting it all on ice cream.

wow never thought I'd see the day hooty became the voice of reason

also, night market ice cream?? are they implying this ice cream is like, edibles of some sort?? Lilith does seem kinda high here ngl. idk man but at least she wants to stand up for herself so good for her.

PLEASE kings just offering her ice cream while she transforms

"first in a series" Gwen honey oh no. you've been duped. I think we can see where Lilith got her naïveté from huh.

Also, nice snatch Luz 😊

anyways love how this show is basically making fun of moms who refuse to give their kids proper medical treatment or listen to medical professionals here

EXCUSE ME why do we know Gwen's palisman's name before we know Lilith's?????

"I am a mother who'll do anything for her daughter" you're mom who's suffocating obsession with one daughter has left the other neglected and is currently causing her to turn into a full on beast ya dummy

Eda DOES have a right to be upset. it sucks that her own valid emotions that she should get to feel will cause her while body to betray her.

PLEASE I’M SO GLAD LILITH’S BEAST DESIGN LOOKS LIKE HER AND IS NOT THE THING FROM THE TRAILER THAT IS ACTUALLY IN EDA"S HEAD WHEN SHE’S TRANSFORMED

but also why is she SO massive?? also anyone concerned that this is her first transformation and the light glyph trick wouldn't even work??

Gwen look at what you've done, you've fostered feelings of inferiority in one daughter causing her to feel the need for sibling rivalry that the pure instincts of the raven beast cannot suppress no matter how much their sisterly relationship had improved.

HOW COULD YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER ALSO BEING CURSED BE A PART OF THE PROCESS GWEN??

"after Eda was cursed, I joined the beast keeping coven" woah woah WOAH. you're telling me you only joined because of trying to help Eda. that covens existed, before Eda got cursed, and you very much weren't a part of one. combine that with "some words for belos" she has and do I smell wild witch theory still plausible???

anyways at least mama clawthorne is getting some sense into her head here

Morton c'mon help a girl out, that's some dang good art too what the heck dude

ok fine mama clawthorne to the rescue

no pls not raven beast Lilith crying im crying now

Gwen: I raised a fine and self-sufficient child

Me: no you didn't look at her. she's got, SO MUCH.

GODDAMN THATS SOME POWER. ngl this only adds fuel to the fire in my head that there was some kinda reasoning these sisters were torn apart, that someone felt they'd be too powerful together (and they were probably right)

"I heard you but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't do anything" may be just because she's not used to the curse but again part of me is concerned that because she couldn't pull herself out of it even a little bit like Eda did that there's something wrong there. but she also could've been stressed beyond reasonably calming herself down too.

ok but this is sweet

NOOO im so sad Lilith's leaving :( I literally cried ok

"you lived here?" fine OKAY king that was hilarious even if im sad about this

"reconnect with dad" excuse me where the fuck has this man been in the middle of all of this. curse shit is going DOWN and he's just chilling at home.

I am curious about people's thoughts regarding the whole Lilith regression thing and the fact that she's literally going to be living with her parents again. I feel like it could help nurture that inner child she's been reverting back to and help her out a LOT. but I could also be concerned about it feeding into the regression and making it worse?? idk and this show probably ain't getting that actually deep into psych anyways

"some day my hair is gonna be big enough to do that too" Luz I cannot wait for the day. also mood, I wish I could do that too.

alright who's holding the fucking pen for hooty we need a volunteer RIGHT NOW so we can remain in contact with Lulu

NOT THE ONLY HUMAN? my bets on the real azura rip never mind she said he

Titan’s Blood?? interesting. If the blood of the titan is around I wonder what that means regarding the titans existence, and how long its been since the titan fell.

AHH BABY LUZ PHOTO

ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? They're really gonna spring that on us like this??? Camila's gotta notice somethings wrong right??? Unless any differences she just chalks up to the camp?? oh god :(

well, anyways lumity shippers come get yo juice next weekend

anyways im gonna need to add a NOT canon compliant tag on that one Gwendolyn fic I wrote because it definitely do not comply anymore

#toh #the owl house #owl house #keeping up afearances #keeping up a-fear-ances

29 notes · View notes

obielil · 3 years

Text

Everything To Me.....

Reader x Ex Steve Rogers

Reader x Friend Bucky Barnes

Summary : You get the call to report to the compound after a mission goes wrong.

Words : Sorry but I'm bad at this. Let's hope one day soon I will have a count.

Warnings : Angst (maybe), language

A/N : Feeling anxiety coming and writing keeps it at bay. So if this is absolute crap, i apologize......

Rushing to the compound after the call from Bruce. He didn't explain only said I should get there immediately. I didn't argue, grabbed my bag, yelling at the receptionist that there is a family emergency and getting in the first taxi available. My mind was racing. Someone got badly hurt, maybe someone died. My hands are shaking as all the horrible scenarios run through my head.

What if Bucky is gone? What will I do? What if it's Steve? Even though we aren't anything anymore I don't want to see him hurt.

At the drop off i pay the driver and half run half stumble to the door of the compound, reminding myself to take deep breaths. Deep in and slow out. Bruce is holding the elevator door for me.

"They are about 20 minutes out." I don't respond. My ability to speak has evaporated. "The situation is not good Y/n....." I continue to stare at him. Breathe. Just breathe. If someone was dead they wouldn't be coming here.

"How bad?" I whisper. Stop being an idiot. You saw a lot of shitty things. This can't be that bad.

"Steve is hurt.... Bucky got compromised......"

"WHAT?! Shuri fixed him... He can't be triggered any more..... How?....." Bruce leads me to the medic bay. There is some familiar faces and a lot I didn't recognize.

"Y/n... Let's go to the lab until they get here. I am sure Steve will be okay....."

"I need to know about Soldat..."

"Tony sedated him. He will be out for a while." he gives me a sympathetic look. He knows our history. "Steve was wounded. Thats why the team was brought in. They need to operate immediately......." I don't listen to Bruce. Will it be my Soldat that wakes up? Or will I need to remind him? How will Bucky take this?

"Are you listening?" Bruce looks at me and I shake my head in acknowledgement. "Tony will come get you here as soon as we know what is what." He dissappear through the door and I just slide to the floor. Sliding my knees to my chest, closing my eyes. Again breathing slow and deliberately.

After what felt like hours I see Tony entering the lab. He looks tired.

"What the fuck happened Anthony?" I stand up and start walking towards him.

"Calm down, Y/n. Steve is okay. You will be able to see him soon....."

"Where is Bucky?" He raises a eyebrow in suprise and I keep glaring at him.

"You want the Soldat?" He keeps looking at me.

"I want to see my friend now......"

"He is still sedated. You need to talk to Steve first. He has to okay the visit. " he says it as a matter of fact and previous experience taught me that nothing I will say or do will change his mind.

"Fine. Take me to see Steve." I follow as he leads me to the room in which Steve is recuperating. He doesn't enter and just close the door behind me. I walk to the bed and look at Steve. Fuck, he is so pale. His hair is all messy and it looks like he haven't seen a razor in months. I sit down on the bed beside him, checking his vitals. Steve will be fine. But what about Buck. Why do I have to waste my time sitting here. I need to see Bucky.

"Y/n....." barely a whisper.

"Captain...." I give him a brave smile. "Seen better days?" He winch when he tries to laugh. "Have you seen him?"

"Not until i get your approval...."

"He was back to full Winter Soldier..... He almost kill me...." I grind on my teeth.

"Let me see him and talk to him....... Please Steve....." Begging has never been my strong suit, but for Buck I would try it.

"Y/n......" he tries to take my hand, but I pull away.

"No.... Let me see him now.... " He looks at me as I walk towards the door. "Now, Steve.....".

"Fine." As the door open he nods at Tony waiting outside.

"I'm glad your okay Cap." I don't look back as I leave the room. Staring into Tony's back as he leads me to the cells. Fuck. They locked him up like a criminal.

Tony doesn't say anything when he unlocks a door for me. As I enter I see Bucky chained to the bed. He is still not conscious. I know protocol is to stay away from the bed. Dont get close. But to hell with protocol. I walk over to him. Feeling his forehead, wiping the stray strand of hair from his face. I lean down close to his cheek and kiss the stuble.

"Time to wake up Soldat....." softly I whisper in his ear. "Open your eyes James....." I listen to his breathing, noticing the slight chance. "Soldat......."

"Milochka....." he doesn't open his eyes. Takes a deep breath, like he wants to be sure it's me.

"It's me James. Open those blue eyes......." I smile as he takes a look at me. "I'm here." I lay down on his chest, listening to his heart beat. So similar to Buck's.

"You should not be here." stating it like its fact.

"I have permission from the top dog. Just like old times, right?"

"Leave....."

"I'm not going anywhere...."

"I hurt Steve. I almost killed him. You could be next...." I stare at him. And he stares right back. Good this man can be so damn arrogant.

"No!! You will never hurt me..." i sit up straighter, hoping that i look as confident as i feel. "How did you get triggered?"

"I don't know. I was James and then i was Soldat......"

"And now?"

"I think both... " i watch his face. Could he be both? Stone cold assassin and gentleman Barnes.

"I will call Shuri. We will need to visit Wakanda. To fix whatever triggered you....." I watch as his face falls. "If that is what you want?"

"They wont let me out otherwise....."

"Holiday in Wakanda...." I will go with him. Like the previoue time. Where i met and fell in love with Rogers. That feels like a lifetime ago.

"Are you sure Sugar?"

"James, you, no matter in what form, mean everything to me........" I kiss his cheek again. Getting my phone out to make arrangements for our unplanned visit.

"You are the best friend a guy could ask for......." he close his eyes and I the feeling of relief washes over me. Everyone will be okay.

#buckybarnes x reader #steve rogers #marvel fanfics

4 notes · View notes

faeriesuns · 3 years

Text

So earlier this week my sister called our mom and told her she was taking her dads name, that he likes all of his kids to have his name (he definitely didn't think that when he abandoned her for our mom to raise for 25 years), and that the name she has now she doesn't want it anymore. I mean she's an adult, if she wants to change her last name then thats up to her...

It just broke my heart having my mom cry because my sister didn't want my moms maiden name anymore

Also like when I talk to my sister she always complains that our mom is being stubborn and childish about not wanting to have a relationship with her dad, when he was the one who abused her and cheated on her multiple times and caused her to have a miscarriage

I just...I'm so tired of having my mom crying because of my sister.

My mom and I decided we were gonna try to be involved in my sisters life and we told her we would welcome like going out to the trampoline place or the museum or the zoo with her and her kids but she just said cool and then continues to ignore us and just not try to be in our lives, and then complains when we don't show up to stuff she didn't even tell us about

Like I had to bug her for weeks just to come out to dinner with us. I've told her multiple times I have a present for her and she ignores me, I told her I'd be happy to come down to her house on weekend and just hang out and she ignored me again

The only thing that is a bright spot is my mom decided not to give my sister anymore money. Our mom gave her most of my mom's savings when she needed money and then she came back a month later and asked for more

I asked my sister if she would be interested in spending one day in the weekend with me and we could go do shopping or craft stuff and she said yeah and then when I texted her to see if she still wanted to do it she ignored me

The funny thing is that she hangs out with our cousin all the time, they got a job at the same place together and my cousin always hangs out with my sister and like they have inside jokes and everything

I keep trying not to feel like I've been replaced, and I've tried really hard for years to get a better relationship with her

I've always been the one reaching out and making plans and basically trying to worm my way into her life

I think I'm done with it

I love my sister, she's funny and really outgoing and fun, but she's also selfish and ignores stuff if its not what she likes, she bashes on my mom and I and then continues to act like her fathers family had always had her back and that they matter more than us

She blames anything she doesn't like from her childhood on our mom, and acts like she's a perfect angel and that our mom is some kind if mega-racist who purposefully gave her a bad childhood when it wasn't even like that

She used to sneak drugs in the house and disappear at nighttime, causing our mom to take off work and try to find my sister

Shes repeatedly made fun of my symptoms from schizophrenia and depression, anxiety, etc

Also her dad keeps trying to talk to my mom and be friends, even when she asks him to stop. Like I dont blame her for it, even if it was years ago I wouldn't suddenly become friends with my abuser

And she eggs her dad on and acts like our mom is being the unreasonable one, when she just wants him to leave her alone

Also her dad has a lot of money so I guess thats where she can ask for some now

(And its not like our mom wouldn't drop everything or give her money if there was something serious happening)

I dont know...I love her but I dont like her, especially right now. I've tried and tried and tried to connect with her and tried to fix her and our moms relationship and...im tired

Im so tired of this and being treated this way

Sorry I needed to rant

#gracie talks #tw family drama #family drama #im just so tired

1 note · View note

anonil88 · 2 years

Text

This is a diary entry just for my brain.

I'm sad but so is everyone else. I should've understood that I wasn't special before I got 25. Nothing in this life is afforded to you and you have to make things happen. Life doesn't happen to you, not the random stuff. I dont know why I lived in a fantasy for so long and I don't even know how to get out of it. Will doing everything you're supposed to do as an adult make me happy, no, and im already sad so it doesn't matter. This is just what life is when you havent been given anything in life like rich privilege kids. We get spam messages from people just also trying to make one more dollar because we are all just struggling in this together. The system can't even collapse because it wouldn't work for those who have no way out.

I guess my mom raised me with a God complex where I felt better than, like why should I have to do this when this has always worked. But its not working anymore so now I just gotta do what works best and thats just what everyone else does. Everyone says think of it as this is just where you are now. But where I am now has been how its been since I was 17ish. Yes, there have been changes but a lot has stayed the same.

I buy some things because they make me happy not because I see a vision or need them. So any money I get just goes to the very small portion I do help my grandparents out. They say they don't want my help and to do my own thing with my money but its gotten to the point where they are getting older so that won't work. They've both been really sick as of late. So I gotta do something else to make more to help them out and try to just get completely independent. My future partner shouldn't be looking at me like im a child they have to take care of.

I got coddled a lot because my mom died so young and I don't have my dad. Even though I'd just turned 17 so its not like I was an infant so I should have handled that better. My aunt tells me that a diagnosis won't change anything. She's not wrong because I'm still gonna have to do everything I put off in despite. A diagnosis will give me something to pinpoint but I still have to overcome it. Its just another challenge and pills won't fix that there is a challenge. Id continue therapy but i don't like talking when my family could possibly hear me even though they aren't listening the anxiety would remain. It won't make me grow up any faster or slow down time. I still think people should get diagnosed but maybe I don't need it right now. I just need to figure out how to do better without it. God gave me 2+ years of a pandemic and I really sat on my ass got malnourished depressed and just made art. There's a lot of shitty places hiring but shitty and overworked is better than broke and stressed.

I can't complain though I'm extremely privileged and I know all of my thoughts deserves an eyeroll because I'm dramatic compared to people with far worse. Everyone's got depression and anxiety so it means I can do these things too, I'm just lazy. Like maybe I shouldn't use lazy and Its nothing to do with mental illness im just unmotivated. I've been unmotivated since I was little, things made me happy but I just didn't want to do anything. My mom tried to raise me out of it with hobbys but I still prefer staying in my head than in real life. She used to get on me for half assing task because id get distracted and hurry quickly in order to do what's on my mind. When I wouldn't...I forgot what I was typing oh my anxiety would just skyrocket. It's nice there in my head when I'm not depressed its a place with even little responsibilities than I have now. Can't get paid and can't live in this world by staying in that place.

All this motivation sounds nice but will it go anywhere?

My aunt tells me that sounds nice but what are you actually going to do. My grandma used to say when I was young you talk a lot but don't do anything. I talk a lot and maybe its an attempt to make myself feel better or garner pity. If I'm really honest its the pity because pity feels better than being chastised or when the first thing that is brought up as the reason everyone is getting sick is you. I just sit in my room but my presence of things takes up too much space as its starting to well really since I came back from college entered into the rest of the house.

I can do better though for myself and this isn't or shouldn't be as good as it gets. I saw a tiktok and someone said if you've never worked customer service or minimum wage and only gone to college then you don't know as much about the world as you think. At first ill be honest it stung, my longer minimum wage job was 3rd graders not adults. So in reality to most people my world view is small. I don't really do well with adults cause they start sensing my awkwardness and I try to hide it as best as I can. I can't just exist in this world as my full self because the full potential my family wants to see from me includes me being seen as the weird person not just in looks. Which is frowned upon by my grandma. My outer expression is the best I get at not performing my personality. That's probably one of the reasons I love clothes so much. Anyways adults I get uncomfortable around because they stare too long, kids are cool but it depresses me to know all their creativity will be thwarted. I also get uncomfortable around them because they pick up on my lack of understanding or my gender weirdness and they have 0 filter. Why do you wear that? What's this? What's that? And my social battery is damn near empty after.

I've been writing this for a half hour I should stop now. I haven't had stomach spasms from anxiety since 2019, just had a huge one.

#my thoughts

0 notes

pokefanbri · 3 years

Text

Distraction is my biggest problem I think...sometimes, probably shouldn't have my eyes glued to my phone either but hey at least i got a shiny pokemon on my stroll. Focusing on 1 thing at a time doesn't work if it makes me not notice things infront of me 🙄 I might miss something important like puke on the ground at the bus station I almost stepped on. If I walk around town idk if someone stalking my ass either, anything can happen & idk half the shit thats happening infront of me 😂 not good...and maybe not realizing if im attracting the wrong attention for being being myself & in what ever mood,if I look happy it is the greatest time to approach or smile at me. But chances are very soon ill feel weird about it like im being judged...ill get over it but it hits u what people may think & when what if any weirdo outta the bunch would target my ass any moment to ruin it but best believe i won't try to cut a fool for f**ing with me 😠 I'm scared to think how vulnerable I might be. I need a protector. I need somebody I need a rock & best friend behind me that stops me from making stupid decisions & holding my hand pulling me away from the danger basically lol. I dont have that anymore, he was the best at it 🥰 The reality is the world is a scary place alone & I need to start paying attention to my surroundings when theres danger around every corner, theres things that can hurt me this is why I like staying inside lol. I dont like the feeling of being watched but literally everyone is anyway so is that normal lol...if u could see the world through my eyes, its strange...maybe im being paranoid? I was in a good mood today but why do I feel bad about it now like I was doing something wrong...remember why I dont feel comfortable being in public...my anxiety kicks in. Being infront of traffic give me the heebeejeebees, reality sets in. If u know me say hi if u feel compelled, most likely we chill & I wouldn't mind at all id rather that than feel weirded out 😊 My safe places help me feel better if I detect something off 😌 In a parking lot I saw a guy with his head down but hands on the wheel like he be hiding 😂 unless that was totally innocent that was weird ok come on dont be chicken say hi buddy. I wanna crawl in a hole away from everything most days but I cant really so I have to suck it up too 😕 i feel alot better lately though happier moods, I can relax.. not as sad but still taking day to day best I can. Day off was a godsend i needed this, I only get Tuesdays off...day 4 & I haven't even thought about a cigarette all day matter of fact. Things feel like they're looking up but why do I feel like it'll all come crashing down all of a sudden like it always does, im just worried. My equilibrium is off i turn into walls and walk into poles all the time 😂 I cant do this on my own. Have an option for a roommate as well but they're not exactly my 1st pick if I decide to go that route.

0 notes