#i know im the weird one here and im trying to take a healthier approach to birthdays but april 1st will forever be such a special day to me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cinnamonest · 3 years

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last ask got me thinking... which yans would try to change someone with an addiction, which would use it as a reward system, which would join you, which would leave you to your devices, and which would shame you??? Maybe you'll come up with more subtypes, but im really curious of your placement of the yans... also ♡ to you lena, big fan here! been following you since the OG childe profile + have been creeping round your blog ever since hehe! all of your works yes even the thought/horni blurbs make me go *awooga* ty for the food (ノ・∀・ )ノ

UWAHHHH ty!!! I'm so glad you enjoy it here :33 Man it has been a while since then hasn't it? It feels so weird that I've had this blog for like 8 months now... wild

I reeeeeally like this concept though... Ok so basically it depends on what thing, habit, substance etc you're addicted to, their understanding of the addiction, the nature of it/degree of harm it may cause you, etc etc. Addictions that could potential be harmful, pretty much any yan is going to at least try to get you off of.

Some will be more immediately forceful, as in throwing out the object/substance in question, or if it's more of a habit, just physically preventing you from doing it. Any begging or pleading is more or less just met with firm and flat-out rejection, they don't care how much you like/want the thing, the answer is no. Ones that fall out under this category would be Xiao, Diluc, Scaramouche, Razor, and Albedo. Notably, Albedo would probably try to find some sort of way to get you onto some other habit that's healthier, but similar, basically trying to trick your brain into latching onto something that's new and provides a similar feeling, but is harmless. Razor would have difficulty knowing something is unhealthy, so you could probably get away with a lot or lie to him, but if he knows it's something bad he'll just destroy it because he can't have anything hurting his sweet mate of course!!

Some will be sweeter -- try to get you to see things their way, but when push comes to shove they're getting their way and getting rid of the thing you love so much whether you like it or not -- they'll just be sweeter about it, or will talk down to you like you're some naive dumb little thing that can't understand why it was necessary to get rid of it. This would be Kaeya, Childe, Zhongli, Xingqiu, and Kazuha.

And finally, some will basically take the same approach as above, but in an effort to avoid you being mad at them they'd pretend it was some sort of accident that your stuff went "missing," provided you refused to listen. This would be Venti, Bennett, and Chongyun most likely.

Now, provided it's not actually something that poses any immediate risk to your health, but it's just overall not healthy in the long run... Zhongli and Diluc are still both pretty stuck-up even when it comes to nearly harmless things and still force you to get rid of it, but the others would be easier. If it's harmless a lot probably wouldn't care, might think it's cute if you're addicted to something relatively harmless and yeah would 1000000% use it as kind of a reward, or make themselves the source from which you can get it. Like if it's to something consumable like a drink or food, they'll keep it from you unless you do favors for them, except for the 3 sweet boys(tm) as aforementioned might feel bad doing that (except Venti, he can kinda be a little bastard if he feels like it, but is usually sweet).

Notably with alcohol, Kaeya would not care even though it's technically harmful long term because, well, he doesn't have much room to talk, and you can bond that way! Plus you won't be able to remember witnessing his own embarrassing drunk moments, or you'll have some yourself, and it provides good potential drugging or blackout drunk fucking opportunities :) Diluc would hate it though. Absolutely not, no you can't have any. Which is a kinda difficult rule to enforce when there's so much easily accessible in his house, so he ends up having to lock it away from you.

Also the aforementioned sweet trio would probably try to get into something to enjoy with you in hopes it'll make you like them more.

#lena's asks #q

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jamestrmtx · 3 years

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Fairytale Complex - [Undertale | Sans x Reader]

[Gender Neutral, Frisk's Parent Reader | Slow Burn]

Chapter Twelve | Danger Mystery (Part 1 of 2)

[First] | [Previous] | [Next]

Today's the day, and though there's no going back now, one look at the last message your ex sent you makes you wish you could.

I'll 🐝 there in 30 ⌚, babe. 😘😘😘

💋💖🥺 Miss you. 🥺💖💋

The overuse of emojis topped off with him calling you ‘babe’ makes you regret so much as the thought of meeting him already.

It's hard to imagine a normal conversation with Jerry given how awfully long it's been since you last talked and how blatant you were being through texts, ignoring all the ones about the info he dug up on monsterkind and only answering his most recent message with a 'K'. You didn't want to hear his reasons behind his absence after how bad things were left between you, and even less did you want him to call you 'babe' in real life. Grateful as you are to have Toriel offer her home as the place for your meeting with him, you look forward to this as much as you do having to wake up at five in the morning every weekday. Her home is busy as a result of the upcoming visitor, with Papyrus trying to make himself look like the most sophisticated gentleman possible, Toriel fixing Frisk's hair into two short braids, Undyne freshening up after exercising all her own nervousness away, Alphys practicing her introductory speech, and Sans revising Frisk's homework.

Considering how much of a handful the last person has been, you decide to take that as an opportunity for you to bother him yourself -- not only as payback, but as a way to prepare yourself to confront Jerry soon.

You approach the couch he sits on and stand behind him, his sitting height and your standing one allowing you to grab a look at what he's doing with more detail. He's around halfway through correcting Frisk's Math homework, and their English speech is already set aside with a few marks and commentary on what they had left to work with. His revision stops when you hover a little closer, making him acknowledge your presence and set the notebook aside to turn around and meet with your eyes.

"How do I look?

That's the first question you ask him, a bit of confidence shining through with how your health's managed to improve a bit since your hospitalization. While you still have to use foundation to cover up your stress blemishes and you're far from being as fit as Jerry was, it's a huge difference from how you were at the start of it all. As a result, you smile, ready to hear someone else's view of you besides Frisk, Brenda, or yourself.

"'Fraid you're asking the wrong person, pal," he replies, gaze averting from yours.

"C'mon," you insist, sitting next to him on the couch. You then shift a bit closer to the skeleton and nudge his shoulder, pouting at him after that. "Please?," you add, facing him again. "You're… You're the only one I trust who won't sugarcoat how I look if you pointed out those 'love handles' I've got a while back."

He manages to keep his gaze and attention on the conversation, though you can see he tries to look elsewhere every so often, as if unable to stare at you for too long.

"So? I was just makin' a comparison between us, not callin' you out or anything."

"But you were still bold enough to say I had them."

You pull your hand back, noticing it's been kept on his shoulder for far too long. Then, you scoot away, growing aware of how close you are. "I don't want him to think I'm still hung up over him." You huff. "It's been almost six years now!"

"Are you still thinkin' about 'im, though?"

"Oh, hell no. He can go date whoever he wants."

Sans grabs the area where you'd touched him; the sight of that makes you worry if you'd involuntarily crossed a line with him. You're not sure how to ask if you've made him uncomfortable, so you back off and shift further away in your seat, setting your hands on your lap and staring down afterwards. "He was… nice enough to wait until I finished my second year of college for us to call our relationship off and for him to leave the picture, so I can't really blame him too much for what happened." You take in some air and look up again, maintaining your pride. "But that still doesn't mean I don't want to look my best. I've moved on, and I... I really want all that to show today."

Appearing convinced, Sans nods once and sits up straighter on the couch. Whatever made him wary of eye contact vanishes and allows him to judge you without any bias, irises scanning your face for a moment. He carries on to your attire, though it's a quicker observation in comparison and a hint of embarrassment can be seen in his body language, from how stiff his shoulders get to how his grin feels forced and bashful. "You look good. Not much different from your regular self, I'd say."

"Please, be honest with me here, Serif. I know I didn't exactly... look my best when we first met, y'know? It's fine."

"But I am being honest." Again, he averts his gaze from yours, posture staying rigid as he faces the table and stares at the open notebook. "You don't need to try and look like you've moved on, 'cause it already shows -- And even more now that you look healthier, too."

Unsure how to approach his comment, you grab your knees and clench your hands around them, sighing after. "If you really think so, then I..." You breathe in, chest feeling tighter than the belt around your waist. "Thank you."

You stand up and fix your clothes for what has to be the twentieth time today. Your heart's racing just as much as your thoughts. Honest to goodness, you were nervous over meeting Jerry again, and not because of butterflies or lingering feelings, but for how much had happened since he last visited. At the thought of him meeting the monsters and learning all about the near two months Frisk was absent from your side, your worries heighten and anxiety eats right through your confidence.

Nervous, you gulp and look back to the couch again, offering the one still sitting there a smile. "Could you... follow me outside, please?" You wring your hands, clasping them as a subtle plead shows on your face. "I could really use your company right now."

Sans laughs at that, nodding again as he stands up, dusts off, and joins your side, winking when he looks up at you. "Thought you'd never ask, (Y/N)."

You still can't help feeling strange at the sound of him saying your name.

While you're fully aware it was nothing out of the ordinary and that he was now in closer enough terms with you to call you that instead of 'pal' or (L/N), there remains a sudden flip in your stomach whenever he says it. Whether it was due to how wary you've become around him or how incessant he was with his flirting, it's still impossible for you to acknowledge that and get over those feelings. No way were you wasting any of your time and energy thinking about that stuff, anyway.

• • •

The temperature changes as you both step outside.

In contrast to the warmth and coziness of Toriel's home, you're greeted by cold and unrelenting winds, along with the colder, occasional water droplets falling on your face. The hint of a downpour coming soon makes you dwell on your past visit here and how you were obliged to stay the night back then. You wonder if the same ending will apply for today, or if you would have to cut your reunion short as a consequence.

"Guessin' those months without the kid around were pretty draining, huh? You look way happier compared to when we first met." Sans breaks the ice, though his hands are kept in his pockets to shield himself from both the cold and any awkward body language. "When I think about it, it's… It's kinda hard to believe it's already been just as long since we left the Underground -- And that it's gonna be Frisk's birthday soon, too."

You face down at him, smiling when you meet with his gaze. "Has it felt like less or longer to you?"

"A weird mix between the two, actually."

You look away from each other at the sound of an engine rumbling from nearby. A familiar, red colour flashes before your eyes; the Ferrawrxd that parks at the sidewalk brings back memories, ones you try to push down. "Tori was already plannin' out somethin' for 'em by that time," the skeleton says, distracting you from the view. "Has she talked about it with you?"

"Not yet," you reply, facing your shoes. "But I wanted to ask her if she'd like to help out -- It's the least I can do with how much she cares for Frisk."

Despite your best efforts not to, you tense up at the sound of a person stepping down and a car door being shut and locked.

Now that you're actually about to confront your ex, it's hard for you to keep your confidence and face up at that sight. "You should do it, then." Again, Sans's voice helps melt your worries down. "I'm sure she'll be more than happy to join you in that -- And pretty much the rest of Frisk's friends, too." You can feel his gaze on you, though you don't look at him, still too anxious to move your eyes away from the floor. "And I'd be more than happy to help also, so just say the word if you need me."

The earthy scent of roses catches you off guard and makes you look up to see a large, white-and-red bouquet being offered out to you, ex-husband standing behind them. "How's it going, babe?" he asks, a smile present on his face. "I missed you."

You back up against the door to Toriel's home and face the man in front of you with careful eyes. Your breathing hitches with how different a greeting that is from your expectations; the sight of him having no companion around and the use of 'babe' makes it obvious as to what the bouquet means. It's even more than evident with the lull in his tone and the soft look in his eyes, though you don't want to acknowledge that. To counter, you step closer to the skeleton's side and look at your ex right in the eye, a firm look remaining in yours.

"I'm doing alright," you reply, stoic. You then take the flowers from him, paying little attention to them and ignoring his other comment. "This is Sans. Though I'm sure you've heard about him already," you add, gesturing with a hand over to him. Pretending you hadn't seen Jerry at the restaurant back at the very beginning of it all is the best you can do for now with how hard it is to lie about it. "He's one of Frisk's friends from the Underground."

The pair exchange a look, one you can only remain curious over when you remind yourself over the purpose for Jerry's visit. You glare sharply at him, wanting to stand your ground. "Why return after a whole year of not coming around to see your child?" Finally, you cross your arms tight and let your displeasure known through a grimace. "Frisk was gone for almost two whole months, and yet you never worried to ask if I needed help with that or not!"

You take a step forward, anger bubbling the more you let those words dawn upon you. "You came to visit us only after the hardest stage was over. The one where I needed you the most!" You hold yourself back, against letting your voice turn any louder or making a scene of any sort.

"Well, I..." he counters, gaze narrowing and frown showing. "I waited two whole years for you to start out college before ending our relationship, and I'm still paying child support to this day."

"And I had to divide time between taking care of a two year-old with work and college!" You huff out, trying to contain yourself. "This isn't a competition, Jerry. It never was." A sharp bite to the inside of your lip is what's necessary for you to keep yourself from exploding any further than you have already, against showing any more weakness in front of him. "I don't care if you decided to leave, I only wanted you to at least pretend you cared for Frisk. Not just show up and visit once a year like freakin' Santa Claus!"

He glares back at you, keeping it that way when he looks down at Sans, his height not only towering over the monster, but you, as well. "At least I'm not dating a Halloween decoration seven years after my divorce!"

Wham!

You shove the bouquet right at his chest.

Your nostrils flare and your hands ball up tight as you stare him down, frown changing for a deep and unwavering scowl. "Don't talk to him like that!" You pause and take another step forward, enough for him to do the opposite. "Don't call me babe, and don't give me flowers if you're just gonna assume I'm dating someone else! I'm through with you, Jerry, and it's been that way since six damn years ago."

Jerry's eyes lower back to the skeleton, who takes his hands out of his pockets and straightens up. He faces your ex, looking amused. "So this is the one you told me you liked, man?" he asks, brushing you aside to make way towards Sans. "Is this really the (chick/dude) you told me you were into? I thought we were bros!"

"Wait, what?"

Those are the only words you can say out loud as you watch the two confront each other, tension thick in the air. Jerry takes in all of it, while the monster keeps his cool, shrugging at his bro. "Sorry to lay it down like this, but yeah," he says, snickering. "They're who I'm into." He spares a quick glance at you, winking to further fuel your ex's anger. "I gotta admit, it's a bit awkward. Though I really dunno why you're so worked up over this if you had your time all those years ago. Ain't my fault you two broke up."

"They're my ex-spouse, bro!"

"Yeah -- I'm well-aware of that, pal."

You back away from the door when it opens, revealing a frowning Toriel behind it.

"Is everything alright out there, you two? Someone sounds angry." When she catches sight of Jerry, her eyes brighten and a smile overcomes her. "I see our new guest is here! Come along now. I cannot wait to meet Frisk's other parent!"

"Inna second, Tori," Sans says, grinning up at your ex. "Just havin' a talk with 'im first."

The goat lady nods, and a knowing look's exchanged between them two; she then closes the door after that, leaving you be.

Overwhelmed and in need of some painkillers for a future headache, you take a step back meanwhile, not quite in favour of getting caught up between your ex and a monster with a seemingly one-sided crush on you.

"What more could there be to talk about?" Jerry asks, scowling. "If I'd known it was (Y/N) you'd been talking about this whole time, I would've never told you to try giving it a shot!"

He storms off inside the house and closes the door shut, leaving you alone with the skeleton, who soon beckons you over with his irises, a look of caution visible in them.

"You okay, pal?" he asks, hands going back in his pockets. "Sorry I got ya mixed up in all this. I know you don't want any drama, but I really didn't think he'd figure me out like this."

You stand by the door and lean against the wall while you consider his words.

It doesn't take too long for a smile to show up on your face. You sigh, choosing to believe him for now. "It's alright," you say, dismissing his words. "The look you gave each other before this kind of... showed that." You pause, curiosity intervening. "How did you guys become friends, anyway? Didn't he pretty much hate your guts a while back?"

"Met 'im again while workin' at a hot dog stand, so we've been able to talk some more since then." Sans joins your side, similar to the day at Waterfall, but with an easier atmosphere present between you. "He came over to grab a bite, we found some stuff in common, and then we kinda just became friends from there on -- Surprisingly." He hums, a faint chuckle interrupting it. "We started talkin' about our love lives two weeks into gettin' to know each other. And about a month after you confronted me over at that restaurant." His hands leave his pockets, these placing themselves behind his skull as he further reclines against the wall. "I told 'im I'd met someone I was interested in, but when he asked for specifics, I said they weren't really into me. Told 'im they were a single parent, and that maybe that had somethin' to do with them not fallin' easily enough for my flirtin'."

He stops, though you still want to hear more. You nod at him, hope over him carrying on remaining. "Is... Is that all?"

"You'll get mad at me if I keep tellin' you what I told 'im about you."

"I can't promise I won't, but I'll try not to."

The monster takes in a breath, and his relaxed state is then replaced by a subtle mousiness he tries to cover up, mainly by remaining calm and casual.

"I told him your stubbornness and integrity were kinda just... hot, and that I had a thing for not only your looks, but just you, in general -- As a person, I mean."

"Do you still feel that way about me?"

You don't know what makes you blurt that question out, but it's far too late for you to dwell over it now of all times.

"Of course I do," Sans says, rubbing the back of his neck. "I told Jerry 'bout that last part just a few days ago." He stops again, breathing in deep once more. "I was, well, only doing it for fun back when it started. But now... Now I really mean it when I flirt with you, (Y/N)."

[First] | [Previous] | [Next]

• • •

Updates will be Mondays and Fridays starting after Part 2 of this chapter!

Not only will I continue working with my Mario (one-shots from my old account, featuring Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, Rosalina, and Pauline) and She-Ra (some drabbles I’ll be posting here later on) fanfics soon, but I've reached a personal milestone in terms of my studies, so I'll be celebrating that soon!!

• • •

Tag List (Comment or message me if you want to be added to [or removed from] it!)

@the-simp-express

@nektotersh

@disastrous-l0vebug

@therealchickenjoe

@mintyflakes025

@pandaquick

@timelock97

#sans x reader #undertale x reader #lgbt #lgbt themes #gender neutral reader #male reader #female reader #mother reader #father reader #parent reader #chubby reader #long fic #romcom #adventure #mystery #platonic relationships #slow burn

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rainbowsky · 3 years

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Final round-up of fan fic asks

I've gotten a few more interesting responses to the fan fic discussion so I'm going to round them all up here. This will be my final post on the topic until/unless there's a dramatic new development, or a particularly notable response I want to highlight. Thanks to everyone who brought their thoughts and experiences to the topic. I hope everyone at least feels heard.

The biggest piece of advice that I would like to offer is for everyone to focus on what they love rather than what they hate. If we all did that, the world would be a better place. Alongside that, I'd like to remind everyone to please support authors whose work you like. It's so important. Give them a kudos, give them a nice comment, recommend their work to others. You never know what kind of grief and harassment they are dealing with to bring you these great stories, and our support means a lot.

This is in reference to previous posts here and here.

Anonymous asked:

With regard to fandom and fan fic issue, my years of experience being part of very large fandoms has led me to believe that big accounts are v important in facilitating and enforcing the general consensus of the whole fandom. Unless there will be big accs who'll remind everyone of being respectful & just not being a dick over other's preferences, nothing will change.

This is also the reason why I think certain solo fandoms have adapted weird and twisted narratives as their general fandom story because no big acc has tried to police them & and say hey pls be rational. Whether we like it or not, in a place where how far voices, ideas, tweets, posts get heard is based on the number of followers you have, big accs will have the power and influence in creating/curating/shifting the narratives.

So, if you want to know why your/our fandom thinks like this in general, look at what big accs are tweeting/posting, look at what ideas & values they follow, look at their preferences or how strongly they react to certain situations. it's taxing and toxic for big accs given the nature of social media these days, but it's also the reality of system, the more followers/audience you have, the more influence you will have.

So to anyone reading this I hope we all practice more restraint and reflection before we post anything. Remember that words, no matter what medium you write it in, will always carry weight.

So true. It is easy - even for myself who spends a fair chunk of time answering people's asks - to forget that people can sometimes be impressionable and what we say can influence people whether that's our intent or not. I get used to thinking of myself as a regular guy just doing my own thing when sometimes my thoughts and words go well beyond where I initially posted them.

I think it's important for us to be careful what we say, and it's equally important to be careful what we take from what other people say. Especially when it comes to big claims. Always get a second, third, fourth opinion and don't be afraid to ask for clarification if something doesn't sit right or sounds confusing.

It's also important to reflect on how our words and actions might affect other people's experience of fandom, and err on the side of 'live and let live' wherever possible. It's great to have our own preferences and to champion them, but we should try to do so in a way that leaves space for other people and perspectives.

The more unique perspectives and the more friendly, open dialog there is, the healthier the community will be as a whole.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging and guiding growth in the particular areas we are interested in, as long as it doesn't step on, oppress or attack those who are peacefully enjoying something different.

Anonymous 2 asked: bjyx fans attacking gdgdbaby for including zsww/lsfy dynamics in an event named bjyx then turning right around and attacking the zsww/lsfy event organizer for excluding bjyx? god, can you hear my facepalm and sigh of resignation and incredulity from over there? im genuinely not surprised that they're trying to drive an entire part of the fandom out by disgusting them (and me) with these immature tactics. i believe what im about to say next will sound quite bait-y and i respect your decision 1/?

should you choose not to post this. but i do know that it is not only me, in fact there are many out there, that is of this opinion. we just dont talk about it on twitter to avoid the potential mess it will bring lol. okay, here goes nothing. (do note that im talking about the majority here, not every single person is like this) so bjyx fans tend to be cishet females whereas zsww/lsfy fans are more diverse in terms of age and gender, and most of them are part of the queer community too 2/?

i would like to clarify that most of these zsww/lsfy fans are not dynamic exclusive (in the sense that they are friendly and interact with all ggdd fans) they just prefer to "identify" themselves as zsww/lsfy fans (on twitter specifically) just to form a distinction from bjyx fans who mostly are dynamic exclusive (as in; they do not consume non-bjyx content, and straightup refuse to interact with non-bjyx fans, often blocking them). as a result, id say that the zsww/lsfy communiy is way more 3/?

mature and respectful (after all, they're mostly queer people talking about a queer ship) whereas many problems in this fandom, such as the homophobia, adamantly insisting on "drawing lines" between dynamics, stem from the bjyx exclusive fans, comprised of cishet females who "may not know better". so, it is of no surprise to me that they're resorting to these immature tactics of calling gg unsavory names, and organizing retaliatory events with controversial topics in an attempt to "purify". 4/4

I trust that you have arrived at that theory through your own experience and observation. I haven't personally spent much time immersed in this stuff so I can't claim to have any real insight or expertise. If you say that's your experience of it, then at the very least that's how you've seen things up to this point.

I just want to say that I think we should always be careful about making assumptions about people's age, gender/gender identity, etc.

There are plenty of good reasons to avoid doing that; because those assumptions could be very wrong, because those assumptions are often laced with ageism, sexism, etc., because those assumptions - even when correct - might not be an accurate basis for the conclusions we draw.

But the primary reason I recommend avoiding those type of assumptions is because anything that enables us to clump a group of people together in our minds like that will tend to make them easier to demonize and dehumanize. They are no longer individuals who are each responsible for their own unique perspectives, they are now 'the X group' who is known for 'A B C series of easily attackable ideas or behaviors'.

If we attribute undesirable traits and behaviors to a group of people we feel opposed to in some way, that makes us feel more righteous and justified in behaving unfairly toward them, dismissing their humanity and warring with them. It's just risky behavior to engage in, even when it's well-intentioned.

There might actually be some truth to what you're saying. It could very well be that most of these people are young, inexperienced, heteronormative, etc. but if that's the case then we should try to use those traits to better understand and empathize rather than to better dismiss and discredit.

Just my two cents on that.

It can be really frustrating dealing with what feels like other people attacking us, trying to oppress us, etc. - especially when there are more of them than there are of us. In my experience the best solutions to that sort of problem are generally the ones that focus on what we are doing and want to do rather than what they are doing that we don't want them to do.

As I am always preaching, we can't control what other people say, do or think. The only thing we have any control over is what we say, do and think (and how we respond to what they say, do and think).

I have found in my experience that the moment I step out of a conflict mindset and instead step into a problem-solving mindset, everything starts to come together. I feel better, my outlook is more positive, I can begin to see solutions and allies rather than problems and enemies, and most of all, I become more focused on what I am doing than what others are doing.

So I would recommend everyone who is invested in resolving these conflicts focus on that. "How can we best showcase and encourage the types of stories we enjoy?" instead of "How can we stop these other people from doing things we dislike?"

Anonymous 3 asked:

Hello again! It’s anon #3 from the fanfic post. I really do appreciate reading your thoughts on various issues like this, so thank you for always taking time to write in depth. As for supporting without going to war, the simplest way has always been to just show appreciation for the creators, hype them up. Kudos are the easiest way on ao3 but comments in addition are great. This goes for all content—art, fics, vids..etc. Creators love to see and read how people react to their content. Sharing is also great, fic recs are very helpful, just be cautious with art and reposting though. Hope this helps a bit!

Thanks so much, Anon. I think this is excellent advice. And it's true that appreciation is great, but helping to expand the audience is also great. Recommending stories, pointing people to the pages/websites of artists we like (as opposed to reposting), sharing our own ideas and approaches, encouraging people to try new things... all of this helps build healthier communities.

And here's another one: WRITE! DRAW! CREATE!

I urge anyone with creative interests or talents to bring their voices to the community because we all can benefit from hearing from you.

Thanks again everyone for sharing your thoughts on this issue. I hope that over time we can all work in positive ways to improve the situation.

I think this subject has been well-covered now so I'm going to retire it for the time being. If anyone still feels they want to discuss it further please feel free to message me privately. Thanks.

#fan fiction #fandom reflections #ask

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purelafemme · 4 years

Text

Mid 2020 reflections

The older I grow, the more important I realize it is to extend myself grace, and to practice patience. All the pieces of my life will come together. This pandemic has taught me to be still.

A few days ago I woke up in a grumpy mood. Over the last few months, some days will go by and I will feel fine. Others, not too hot. Recently, I decided to practice a tip from one of the former therapists. I took the time to “check in” with myself and pinpoint all the reasons I was feeling so out of tune.

A big reason for this “out-of-tuneness” is coming from my job. I don’t feel as connected and engaged to my work, as I would imagine it would be if we were in the office. Its difficult for me to focus and relax in my room. All my life I have struggled with performance anxiety, which has become heightened due to my experience in the AEA program. Teleworking has blurred the lines between my home life and my work life, making it difficult for my brain to separate the two. Also, I feel cramped and restricted due to the lack of independence and freedom I am experiencing living in my parents house. I miss my freedom and independence of living in my own apartment. I’m going to stay here until January to try and save more money (at least $8,000). Just like I felt with Morgan back in fall of 2017, I can feel that I have outgrown living in my parents house and living in Baltimore. It’s time for a new beginning and a fresh start. I don’t want the pandemic to prevent me from pushing back my plans further, or allow it to cause time to get away from me. It’s important that I take this step towards moving out for me.

A second reason propelling my dismay comes from a realization that I had realized over the past weekend. I have a strong tendency to over give in a lot of the relationships I have. I went out of my way to plan something to do with my estranged friendship group from middle school, and I am not too pleased with how it went. In Boston, I didn’t have many friends nor did I engage in many social activities. One of the reasons I wanted to return back to this area is so I could hang out with my friends and resume social activities again. Earlier this summer, I started putting a lot of energy into hanging out and doing things with and for my friends. But after these two-three years of me being away, I’ve realized that some of my friend groups/dynamics are not the same. Honestly, I feel like a big part of the reason why I started hanging out a lot with my friends is because since my love life is not going the way that I want it to, I want to keep people around me a lot to avoid feeling lonely, to mask the loneliness. But I want to shed those feelings and really take the time to get into myself. One of the reasons I delayed grad school was because I really wanted to take space for myself to develop myself (Develop myself spiritually, mentally--develop my fashion, my interests, my personality, knowledge). This has made me realize that I want and need to feel more comfortable being alone, which is another reason why I think living alone would be good for my personal growth. Additionally, even though things didn't work out the way I intended them to with my partner earlier this Spring, that situation has finally taught me, after 24 years of age (8 years of dating), how I deserve to be treated and what qualities I want in a partner. Given this, I think I need to now branch out and truly get comfortable with being alone. Over the last couple of years, I have struggled with being alone and I realized that I will go run to go hang out with people to avoid that feeling, or I will spend my time being alone and wishing I laid up with a nigga. I want to truly embrace the idea of just truly being alone, and being happy and content.

Sometimes I experience a weird sadness about me not following through with my previous academic plans, which causes me to feel like im a funk. I went to research conference today where my peers who have continued with their academic plans were present, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge bit of sad that I didn't continue mine. This month would have been the month I would be starting my PhD program if everything had went as planned. Although I realized this was not right for me, I am still kind of bummed in a weird way about it. I worked exceedingly hard and invested a lot of time and energy into this goal, and now that things haven't gone as planned and I have seemingly abandoned my PhD dreams, I feel a weird sense of sadness about it. I may be still interested in research, but honestly, I am not sure. From doing the AEA program twice, witnessing the AEA Climate Survey, surviving the Harvard program, and reading Claudia’s blog post, I feel kind an overwhelming sense of jadedness by this whole thing-- and now I cannot seem to make up my mind about an exact alternative career path or graduate degree. All I know is that I would really like to have a concrete plan once this job is over, because I am not getting any younger and I want to have security when it comes to my career goals by the time I approach my mid thirties.

Now that I have just written a list of reasons why I am in a funk because I am not where I wanna be, I want to take just as much time to reflect on all the reasons why I am proud of myself. I am very proud of myself for landing my current job opportunity. It took me over six months of applying to land my current position, and there was several times over the course of those months where I was bogged down with anxiety and self-doubt crept it! Literally the day I got the offer, I was laying in bed CRYING because it was April and my program was going to end in May and I hadn't secured a reasonable opportunity yet. My God is good, and he for sure came right on time. Of course, there are some days where my performance anxiety at work is on high, but really in those moments need to take a step back and praise him for granting me the opportunity to get a job in my field, with a nice salary, with nice people and meaningful, clear growth opportunities. I am so grateful, and I need to acknowledge this more as well as congratulate myself for this. Even though things didn’t go as planned with the whole PhD thing, I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be in my life, and that is a beautiful thing. I am proud of where I am, and I know this opportunity will give me the tools to make the best career decision for me moving forward. I am claiming it now. Honestly, this is my first time since I graduated undergrad where I feel like I can breathe.

I am also proud of myself for giving myself the space to develop ME for ME. There is so much other parts of life and myself that I want to explore, and now that I am no longer suffocated by the pressures of academia, I am excited to dive in ! I recently hired a trainer, and started my own business! Being in grad school is a huge educational investment that comes at a cost. The stress of that program didn't leave time for me to dedicate to other parts of my life, which I realized I did not like. My twenties are my formative years. So yeah, it does suck to have invested so much time in doing all those things to be a perfect PhD applicant and then to not even apply to PhD programs lol, but I am soo proud of myself for listening to my gut, taking a step out on faith and choosing a different direction! It wasn't an easy decision at first, but I am excited about where this side business will take me, and I am happy that this will be a chance for me to explore my artistic side more! I have always had this side to myself, but never fully dived into it because of the lack of time and resources. So I am proud of using this space and time to unlock a new side of myself. I also think there will be a lot of personal growth opportunities that will come from being a small business owner, which I have confidence I can tackle and that it will make me more mature, and help develop sounder financial practices ! :)

I am super proud of myself for taking charge of my health!!! My weight is something I have always struggled with since elementary school. I was never particularly fat, but I was never as skinny as people like my sister and my cousins. From a young age, I internalized a sense of being uncomfortable with my body, which has followed me into adulthood. However it wasn't until the later half of high school when I started to develop some health problems as a result of my poor diet and lifestyle habits. My period has been irregular since 2012-2013, which I am sure was triggered by the anxiety I faced from switching schools, eating predominantly restaurant food from working at Charlestown, and having a poor sleeping schedule. After four years or random, scattered periods, I got diagnosed with PCOS in 2016. In 2017 I turned 21. I started drinking alcohol a lot more, causing me that fall to weigh in at my biggest size ever--over 180 pounds. Since the middle of high school, my weight had always been in the 160-170s range. That spring, I was able to get serious about diet and exercise and shed some pounds due to my leave from school. However, over the past two years in the Harvard program, I have not been able to manage my weight properly, causing me to explode to the biggest size I have ever been--195.. And im not sure what’s going on with my hormone production now, but I know my gut is a hot mess. (This spring I just got diagnosed with IBS.) Since the pandemic started, I have tried to work out consistently and eat a balanced diet. However over the last five months I have not seen many changes in my body which has been disappointing. This week on impulse, I made the decision to hire a trainer-- this is going to be the first step towards making some serious lifestyle changes for me and I am excited to get into the best physical shape I have ever been in! Regardless of the number on the scale, I really want to do this for the improvement of my overall health. I want to develop a healthier relationship with food (stop binge eating/seeking food as comfort) and I also want to train myself to not only eat out of boredom, or because food is available. I know developing this habits will help me develop more discipline! Also, I think our bodies as humans are capable of so much, and I really want to treat my body good so I can get the best use out of it ! I want to learn how to swim, I want to build endurance and start running, I want to be able to sustain my own body weight, and become proficient at aerial yoga! Also, sometime in the future I want to have kids and before this happens I want to already be in shape and be in the position to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Being a mother is one of my biggest aspirations in my life ! I am hoping that this change to my lifestyle will support better hormonal health and regulate my menstrual cycle, which would actually help me get pregnant easier in the future. I am also tired of having all these stomach problems (indigestion, acid reflux, constipation, etc)--clearly something inside of me is inflamed and thats why I am having these issues. Overall, I am very proud of myself in taking these actions and I am excited to see how my body will look, how I will feel, and in what ways I can grow mentally and financially with my business !

One last reason why I am proud of myself is because I have been making small strides to become more money conscious. However, I know I can definitely improve in this area over the next couple of months, and it is important that I tackle this since I have my first real job, (plus a side business) and I want to live on my own. I have always struggled with managing my personal finances, so I am excited to learn tips and develop practices that will help me be smarter with my money. This is also very important to me because one day I would like to have a family, and I want to be able to provide for them. So it is important that I take the steps now to ensure that I am living below my means, and that I can set myself up to be financially comfortable and not cash strapped.

I was inspired to write this post because I woke up one day in a sour mood about my current circumstances and the fact that I am seemingly not where I want to be and I felt down about it. But then I woke up the next day and realized how much I really had to be grateful for, and how proud I am of myself for all that I have accomplished throughout my life even with various obstacles I have encountered. God truly has favored me. Even through this crisis, God has found ways to bless me and I have taken actions to better myself. For that I am super thankful for. There are people that have lost their life and their livelihoods in 2020, but for some reason God still choose me to protect, and to take me to the next level. So I want to take this time to publicly thank him for all that he has done on the inside! Instead of focusing on the all the areas of my life that I am not too satisfied with, I vow to constantly cultivate a heart, mind and spirit full of gratitude and praise.

Other short term goals I want to accomplish

- Join a church home/integrate other practices into my life to develop my relationship with him in addition to keeping the prayer journal (reading the bible, starting a gratitude book)

- Take better care of my hair: be more consistent with protective styles, trims, and deep conditioning!

- Read more books (I have watched too much TV this year lol) I especially want to read more books written by Black women and the experience of Black women!

-Try new hobbies (in addition to swimming, I want to go horseback riding, etc)

#2020reflections personalgrowth blessings

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omigodimonfire · 5 years

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Fitness Resources a.k.a. How to Get Jacked 2 tha Max

I pick things up and then I put them back down. I do a mix of strength training, weight lifting, and HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) cardio, interspersed with whatever I feel like doing on any given day, so these are all resources that I have found helpful.

Follow-along workout videos

Fitness Blender, and their youtube channel, is one of my faves for workout videos. They have a crapload of videos of all different levels, and they’re really good about talking you through each movement and modifying movements so that you can do things safely at a level you’re comfortable with. Their website has a fantastic search tool, so that you can sort their 563(!!!) videos by duration, difficulty, training style, body area of focus, equipment, etc. It’s so handy.

Velvet Hammer Fitness tends to post longer and more intense workout videos. They also have beginner-friendly videos, and will give you beginner modifications on the intense videos. It feels like I’ve climbed a mountain when I finish some of these.

Kat Musni Fitness has fun 30-45 min videos. She’s weird and she keeps things interesting.

Scola Dondo has a series of dance workout videos. They are super fun to follow, and she always explains that she doesn’t teach the moves because she wants you to watch the video a few times and dance until you get it, which is a clever way to keep yourself moving.

The Fitness Marshall has even more dance workout videos! He choreographs cardio dance moves to hit pop songs, and he talks you through all of the steps. He has a curated playlist for a weekly-ish workout, called The Sweat Set, so it starts with a slower song to get you warmed up, and then a bunch of higher paced songs, followed by another slow song for a cool-down. It’s great fun, and he always makes me laugh.

HASfit is relatively new to me, but it seems to be similar to the Fitness Blender channel. They look like they know what they’re doing.

Yoga, Pilates, etc.

Blogilates, aka Cassey Ho, has a ton of 5-15 min follow-along pilates videos that focus on specific areas of the body. These pilates moves look easy-peasy, but damn do they burn.

Fightmaster Yoga has, by far, the coolest name. She has all kinds of yoga videos, from the short ones that explain certain poses in-depth, to the 1.5 hour long yoga “classes”. I did most of her 90-day yoga challenge* and loved it. I could feel myself getting stronger as the days went on. She’s really good about explaining what each movement is and how it should feel.

Yoga with Adriene has a similar style to Fightmaster Yoga, but with mostly 25-30 min videos. She also has a bunch of themed yoga videos, for example: yoga for hangovers. Realistic.

Flow With Adee has great flexibility videos, as well as a series of videos on stretching and recovering the day after a hard workout. Very useful! [Beware, the comments section on her videos gets real sexual and gross. Don’t look at the comments. :( ]

Sean Vigue Fitness has videos that mostly focus on strength-building yoga and pilates. He’s also kinda weird and makes random jokes. I like his vibe.

* “__ Day Beginner Challenge” things are great for motivation. It’s convenient and a great way to instill a daily habit. They’re a very popular thing, so pretty much any youtube yoga channel will have at least one “30 day beginner challenge” for you to try out.

Information, Tutorials, Articles, etc.

Gold Medal Bodies, or GMB, has lots of articles and tutorials. They’re a great place to go if you want to know more of the science behind a movement, healthy ways to move, or if you have a specific spot that you want to work on (for ex: stiff neck, sore elbows, etc.). They focus mainly on bodyweight movement with no equipment, and they have a few youtube videos to accompany the tutorials.

Bodybuilding.com is another website with articles and tutorials. It’s definitely leaning more towards aesthetic results, but they have useful information and about a million ways to get strong AF.

Athlean-X is a very bro-y youtube channel, but the guy makes great videos on the best ways to work out for strength. He covers form, number of sets and reps, the order you should perform things in, and more. If you don’t know what any of that means, this is a great place to learn.

Meg Squats is a fun channel to check out. She’s funny and has a realistic approach to strength training and life, and she’s strong as shit. DAMN inspirational.

Superhero Jacked has themed workouts for nerds. If there’s a comic book, movie, tv show, or game character that you admire, they’ve probably got a workout for them. They break down a weekly routine for each character that, in theory, will make you jacked like a superhero/ villain. It’s fun to read, at the very least.

Muscle for Life has some really useful tutorials and articles, if you can ignore the heteronormative bs way they’re advertising their books. Honestly, there’s a whole lot of bs going on in the fitness industry and I’m exhausted just thinking about it, but some of these primitive idiots really know their shit when it comes to getting stronger and healthier.

That’s all I can think of right now, but I may add to this later…

As a follow-up, here’s this: you’ve probably heard this a hundred times, but in order for you to really stick with a fitness regimen and reach your goals, whatever those may be, your choices have to be sustainable. If you pick something super difficult and challenging and make yourself do it every day, you will quickly lose motivation and burn out. So try a bunch of things and see what you like, and find something (or multiple things) that you can do every week. Find something that you like. Maybe you won’t be excited to do it every week, but at least you won’t absolutely despise it.

I try to remind myself that my workouts are not meant to be punishments. I’m not working extra hard because of that piece of cake I ate, or because I missed a workout yesterday. I’m working hard because I want to, because I love the way it makes me feel strong and capable. I also have to remind myself that some days I may feel weaker or shittier than other days, and that’s ok. Maybe I’m sore from a previous workout, maybe I didn’t sleep well, maybe I’m just in a terrible mood. It’s ok to take breaks when you need them, and to cut workouts short or skip them entirely. Remember, whatever you’re doing has to sustain you. Push your limits, work hard, be smart, don’t hurt yourself. Someone, probably a yogi, said, “thank your body for everything it does for you.”

#Workout Tips #i forgot i had that tag

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thejollyroger-writer · 6 years

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Met by Moonlight, Chapter Four: Killian

Read on AO3!

It's only day one and he is already exhausted. He spent most of his day in the office in the English building, trying to get everything back into working order. Even starting a few days ahead of classes was not enough to get them caught up enough to hide the chaos that took place over the break, and he spent most of his day hauling boxes to and from the storage room--when he was given enough time to himself to get there and back without being stopped by someone.

He has always known about the curse the world laid upon him: the curse of being devastatingly handsome, and the curse of always being approached by this damned mysterious other sex, especially at times when he just wants to be left to his ways.

During yet another trip down the bland neutral hallway, he wonders if she knows. If she knows that he never stopped loving her (apparently), no matter how hard he has tried. If she knows the pain that he feels every time he lays his eyes on her, having her here with him again but not being able to have her.

If she knows about the piercing icicle that went through his heart when she saw them at the table in the apartment, sitting right up against each other. He could sense the electricity in the room - and sense that he was not welcome - so he locked himself in his room with his worn-down copy of Midsummer Night's Dream and a bottle of rum.

If she knows how much it hurt to hear her giggling like a schoolgirl at him at that very same table the very next night, or when he got home the following night and they were curled on the couch together, his arm over her shoulders and her hand resting gently on his thigh.

Damn that August Booth to the depths.

As he collapses into one of the new chairs on the first floor of the library, he is cursing himself and not August. He should have told her. He should have rushed into her arms the moment she saw him in that damned airport and told her that he never stopped loving her, not for a moment of the years that have passed between them since she left him alone and broken.

He had every opportunity to tell her, yet he hadn't taken any of them. He has no one to blame but himself - but that doesn't mean he can't be at least a little spiteful towards August. His head in his hands, he runs his fingers through his hair, then lets out a deep breath. He may have spent much of the last two weeks in this very building, but he takes a good look around for the first time. With all the work he knew they were doing, not much looks different. Sure, many of the bookshelves were replaced, along with some of the windows, but the main difference is the furniture. The tables that take up much of the middle of the room seem to be the same, but the rest of it all: the chairs around the tables, the couches spread out by the windows, and the armchairs like the one in which he currently sitting scattered around the room, are all much more modern than the bulky, uncomfortable ones that he remembers from the years prior. The one he found himself in is set into the corner by the windows, with a good view of most of the first floor, plus some of the second. With his eyes scanning the library, he is surprised by just how few people are here, even for the first day of classes. Usually, even on the slowest days, there is at least a general hustle and bustle going on in the building, but there does not even seem to be that. Much of what he can see is empty: no books and papers scattered on the tables, no students with headphones in crowding the computers, and not even people wandering through the shelves of books, searching for something (or nothing) in particular.

And then, he sees it--sees her. From where he is sitting on the first floor, he can see through the newly-installed glass wall that separates her and Elsa's office from the rest of the library, see right to where she is sitting at her desk. She seems so comfortable, her headphone cord running down in front of her as she oscillates between the computer and whatever sits in front of her, tapping her pen against her teeth, a habit he sometimes still hears in his sleep.

He can't take his eyes off of her, and it is now that he chooses to curse him again, that damned fairy tale boy that took her from his reach.

(Sure, he knows that's no fair: August is a great guy, and he's never done anything else to anger Killian except leave his toiletries all over the counter and his dishes in the sink, but hey, he has to express his anger somehow, and pushing it to August instead of holding it to himself is healthier, right? He reminds himself to ask Robin when he sees him.)

And then he gets an idea. Pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, he scrolls through his messages to find their group message from last semester, that damned bloody curse of a modern technology marvel that Will made them all set up one night at the bar.

And then he finds it. Aptly (and drunkenly) named “The Boys’ Club,” it has, much to the spite of everyone in the group, become the easiest way to plan get-togethers, and Mulan never seemed to be bothered by it's sexist title. They have been friends since his first semester here; except Will, who he went to boarding school with in England before his parents moved them. Robin and Jefferson were roommates for a year before Killian arrived, and somehow Will added Mulan into their mix. So they became the Boys’ Club.

I don't know about everyone else, but I could use a drink tonight, Killian sends, and it is only a few moments before those three little dots pop up and the next message comes through.

Robin: Rough first day, Jones?

Killian: You don't know the half of it. 😑😑

Jefferson: its that american girl, right?

Mulan: oooooh so there's a girl now?! 😍😍

Will: come on k, share it with us.

Robin: About bloody time! 🤣😂🤣

Killian: You're all gits. See you at the Rabbit Hole in an hour?

Will: funny im already there 🍻🍻🥃🍾

Jefferson: No surprise there. See you soon

Robin: Im still in class but I'll be there after 😂

Mulan: 👍👍👍

Rolling his eyes, Killian slides his phone back in his pocket and takes one last look at her, only to find her looking down at him. He smiles, and she returns it before he takes off, needing to get out into the fresh air before he suffocates on her smile.

Will has already plopped himself down in their regular booth in the corner, and by the time they open the doors to the loud, musty room, they can hear him singing in the corner, the sign that he is already too far off for any help.

Killian and Jeff rode together from the apartment, and Mulan and Elsa are coming around the corner from another parking lot, laughing softly at each other, as Killian opens the door for them.

“Rough day, then, Killian?” Mulan asks, the only one out of the crew that still calls him by his first name, and he sighs at the ground, running his fingers through his hair.

“It’s been a rough few weeks, but today was the epitome of terrible.”

“He called it ‘the day of tragedy’ on the way here,” Jefferson snips, mocking his accent in repeating his words.

“That does sound rough,” Elsa says softly, her bright eyes much less full of spite than the rest of their companions. Jeff and Mulan head right for the table, leaving Elsa and Killian to order their drinks at the bar--much easier than trying to crowd all of them between the patrons already at the counter. “Is it about Emma? She’s told me a little bit about your past, and I--”

“She told you?” He hopes that Elsa can’t see the shock that passes over his face in the dull lights of the bar. While he hasn’t yet figured out why, he has tried his best to keep his history with Emma from his friends, and though they never discussed it openly, he was under the impression that she was doing the same. The fact that she spilled everything to her new office-mate is both surprising and unequivocally un-Emma.

“Yes, she told me that you were good friends and that you dated for a while before you had to go separate ways.”

“Separate ways,” he repeats under his breath, turning to the bartender, a tall, dark-haired girl that he’s pretty sure must be newer, since she does not look familiar at all, and when she says, “What can I get you two?” he replies with “Two pints of whatever’s best and a shot of rum, on the rocks.”

She nods, then turns her eyes to Elsa. “A vodka club with a lime and a glass of water, please.” Once the bartender turns away from them to start to make their drinks, Elsa turns back to him. “I really like her, you know. Her and I get along well, better than I ever did with that weird Isaac guy from last year. And she seems to get along well with August.”

As if the bartender knows their order as well as any of the others that have served them regularly for the past few years, she hands Killian his glass of rum first, which he quickly finishes in one mouthful, despite the burning rush he feels immediately - though it is the first step in numbing the pain Elsa’s last comment made him feel.

“She’s the one, isn’t she? The one you try not to talk about, that broke your heart back in America?”

Flustered, he sets his glasses down on the bar a little harder than he may have meant to. “Excuse me?”

“Come on, Killian. You don't have to be a psychiatrist to see something’s up with you. You’ve obviously had your heart broken in the past, and you’ve said that after college, you moved to New York and then a few other places, but never anywhere of great importance. So, whoever hurt you, it must have been before you started moving around the country.”

With a curt smile, the bartender hands him the two large pints, one for Jeff and one for Will, and Elsa’s glass of water.

“Another?” she asks shyly, pointing to the empty rocks glass in Killian’s hand, which he hands to her.

“Aye.” Then he turns back to Elsa's, smiling across the room besides him, and when he follows her gaze, he finds her eyes looked with Mulan, sitting across the table from Will and Jeff.

“How are you and your girl then?”

When she finally turns back to him, her smile hasn't wavered. “I went home with her for most of the break, like we talked about, and met her family. And it was…” Her smile grows, something that Killian would not have believed could happen if he had not seen it himself. “It could not have gone better, actually. I just wish we wouldn’t have to wait so long for the summer for her to come to Norway and meet my family before we can make it official, like we discussed.”

“Why wait until summer? Spring break is in March, and that’s at least a little closer.”

“We discussed that, but what are the odds that we can both get off of work long enough to spend a week in Norway?”

“It’s always at least worth a shot, love. You never know how life might suddenly be on your side.” Without meaning to, his thumb moves to his wrist, moving over the dark star tattoo.

“That’s the other way I figured it out, you know,” Elsa comments after a moment. “I know you tell people the star is just a part of your celestial sleeve, but it’s no coincidence she has the same tattoo, is it?”

His eyes move to his wrist, where he is still thumbing the large star.

“No, it’s definitely no coincidence.”

“Does she even know you have it?”

As he shakes his head, the bartender hands them the last two drinks: Mulan’s vodka club and Killian’s second glass of rum, and with everything in tow, they head for the table.

“So, are you going to tell us about your heartbreak, Jones, or are you going to make us wait for Robin?” Jeff is a little too smug asking this question, and Killian rolls his eyes at him.

“We’re not here to talk about my heartbreak, mate. We’re here to drink and have a good time and forget about every other damned thing going on in the world.”

“So there is a girl?” Will asks from the corner, his head back against the wall with his eyes closed, but still gripping the new pint Killian brought him.

“Who said anything about a bloody girl, huh?”

“Leave the poor guy alone,” Mulan says strictly, staring daggers across the table at Will, even though his eyes are still closed and doesn’t see her.

“How’s everyone’s first week of classes?” Elsa changes the subject in her bubbly teacher voice. “I know I’m going to have my hands full, especially with the undergrad class I start teaching in a few weeks.”

Thankful for the change of subject, Killian jumps in. “I’ve only had one class so far, and I have two more tomorrow. But this damned research study position might just bring about my own death.”

“How very Shakespearean of you, Mr. Bard,” Jefferson jokes, but his smile is quickly erased from his face by an icy glare from Elsa. “But, uh,” he continues, obviously affected by Elsa’s response to his joke, “Everything is brutal for me, but it sure as hell better be, giving the death track I put myself on.”

“You only have yourself to blame for that one, Jeff,” Mulan comments with a smile. “I don’t even feel like this is my last semester of college, though. Classes at the gym are finally starting to pick up, though, so that’s good, at least.”

“And me, I’m just going through the motions,” Will quips, still cock-eyed in the booth with his back against the wall.

“Aye, and what are your plans again, exactly?”

“Hell if I know, mate. I’m just trying to live every day. I am thinking of joining a band, though. Always was a fan of the bass guitar, and the women that seem to follow bands around.”

“You know, Will, you could always just come back to school,” Elsa adds with a smile, and this, finally, makes him turn towards the table.

“Sod off it, eh? I took a semester off to figure everything out, and I’m still working on it.”

“Even if that semester was two years ago,” Jeff comments, then finishes the rest of his beer, clapping Killian on the shoulder. “How about we get another round here, huh?”

One round turns to two as Robin finally shows up, his best friend and roommate Graham in tow. Three comes, and is gone; and by the time Killian is on his fourth (this one mixed with some cola, reminiscing of the days he and Emma would walk to the bar down the street from their apartment) - and this is the one that opens him up.

Without meaning to, and without realizing it was actually happening, Killian opens the floodgates of his past, his glass in his left hand as he, once again, ran his thumb over the star tattoo on his wrist.

“Fate is a bloody fickle thing, innit she? The way she can bring two people together after pulling them apart for a few years.”

“What the hell are you going on about now, mate?” Will asks, but no one responds to him; everyone’s eyes are on Killian.

“You know, I was sixteen when I met her. She was the most beautiful damned thing I had ever seen, with her golden hair and those emerald eyes. And she never understood why I felt so strongly about her so quickly, but it’s like somehow, I just knew. Knew that we were supposed to be together. I told her that, once. Well, more than once. But the first time was after we had been together for a few months, and I thought I had ruined everything. I thought she was going to up and leave right then, just walk right out of that tiny restaurant.

“But she stayed. She stayed when Liam left, she stayed when her parents got pregnant, when we graduated, through college. I was damned well sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with that girl. I was going to propose once we got to New York, somewhere spectacular. I was going to marry her.

“And then, just like that, it was all over. She was moving everything back into her parents’ house, and I was packing everything I owned into that bloody Chevelle, but had to leave the one thing I loved most in Storybrooke. She ruined me, and for a while I didn’t think I would ever be able to be happy again. And I wasn’t happy in New York, living the life that my father laid before me.

“Then I heard from Liam, that he was going to be stationed somewhere permanently and he wanted me to join him, to re-open my dream and come back home, go back to school. It took three damned years, but I was happy again. And she just - she just walks right back in to my life like it was nothing, got off the plane and breathed the same air as me once more. I should have been angry, livid, upset, should have needed an explanation or an apology for leaving me in the dirt like that, for breaking my heart and making me unable to feel for so long.

“But I didn’t. I didn’t need any of that. All that I felt when I saw her again was… was happiness. Was love, for some godforsaken reason. And that hurt, too, knowing that, after everything she caused me, I still bloody loved her. All the while, she seems to be completely unfazed, completely unaffected by this whole situation, enough so to flirt with bloody August Booth--my own damned housemate, to make matters worse! Not only do I have to see her, but I have to see the one that she has apparently chosen over me, even though all I have done since the first day I saw her was love her. That’s the bloody thanks I get.”

Finally, he takes a breath, turns his eyes down to where he is subconsciously feeling the heart tattoo with the pad of his thumb, the one piece of her that he has cursed himself with not being able to rid himself of. With a huff, he downs the rest of his drink, sets it back down on the table, and pushes himself up, needing to step outside in order to breathe again.

#this chapter hurts me emotionally #cs ff #met by moonlight #my writing #wordsbymeganmichael #captain swan #captain swan ff #college au #grad school au

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