#i just don’t know idek if i should even explain situation it’s probably not worth it lol i just feel bad ;-; | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anxietysroomsupport · 3 years

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Hypermobile anon here. First, thank you so much. It's just nice to know there's someone here for me. And to give a little more info, I have a serious problem where if I'm not currently in pain. I don't remember how bad it was. I know everybody does this, but my brain literally checked out as I was going to bed recently and I fell on the floor. I nearly forgot to tell my physical therapist.about it because it didn't really hurt. So, I can't do the pain scale very well, and I never remember (1/2)

(2/2) It just makes it sort of hard for pain relief when I don't know I'm going to need it and don't have the energy when I do. Also, on the vitamin subject, I know that I've had vitamin d issues before (bad heat exhaustion and allergy scares = going outside less), bad enough that I was close to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about the others, but I do know I'm not amazing healthy, so? I take calcium pills for the vitamin d, though. Again, thank you guys for all your help.

We just got a bill from my PT place that says we owe money that we can't pay. They told us up front how much it would be with our insurance, and my mom's been paying each time, but it says we owe 177 dollars. Sure, it's not a lot, but we're not rich and trying to send a sibling to college. If we can't get this sorted out. I can't just not go. 10 exercises I can do at home and 5 appointments is not enough to help a chronic disorder. I cant focus and I have practice in 30 mins. -Hypermobility anon

Same day but later when I'm feeling a little better (my director was very supportive though so that's nice), I'd seen the letter and heard my parents talking a bit, but my mom told be as we got to school for rehearsal about PT. I got upset, and I felt bad because I could tell she felt bad because she didn't expect me to be upset, and in the heat of the moment I said "chronic illness" in front of my mom for the first time. She loudly (not quite yelling) (1/?) - Hypermobility anon

said to me "That is the most self-pitying thing I've ever heard. Chronic illnesses are like cancer". Sure, I probably should've said disorder and not illness, but I'm scientifically right. Then I said "It is, it's chronic pain, I am always in pain" and she said "Well then clearly PT isn't helping anyway" - I??? When I went in after 15 minutes after another girl, since we were both there for an hour and a half, I decided to stop trying too much to hide my crying (useful masks) (2/?) -HSD anon

since the other girl was in the hall to eat, and when I managed to explain to the director, she was understanding and nice, and when I said chronic, she said that I should never have to live with that, especially at my age. And when I mentioned not being able to sing at that moment from my crying, she pointed out how I was singing an empowering song that was about standing against the bad stuff in life, and I was perfect for it. I know my mom was just mad, but it just drained me.

Sorry I keep sending asks so often, I just feel like telling someone this. I decided to put 'zebra' in my bio. It's a thing that people with EDS and HSD sometimes like to call themselves. I like it, so even though I just have my name and pronouns, plus a random joke, in my bio, I added it. It just feels like a step in the right direction to remembering that I don't need google to tell me I'm dealing with this every 5 minutes. Accepting it, I guess. :) -HSD anon

My sleep schedule just keeps getting worse and I think it's my ADHD combined busy days and pain but I just never want to sleep anymore. I can't, I don't want to, and it hurts physically and mentally to just lie there and see if I can fall asleep. 80% sure my circadian rhythm changed to sleep at about 2 am but I get up at 7 and have a chronic disorder that's getting worse because of this I *need sleep*. And I'm so scared I'll mess up, want to make a side blog for it but want to make one (1/2)

for something happy first because I always figured that if I had side blogs they would be ask blogs or for fandoms or whatever. But I got a little better at not caring what other people think, so I haven't really needed one for fandom. But I looked through the tag and felt so comforted by some of the stuff that I just think it would help me. Maybe I'm just extra bad tonight because I went outside but also talked about it a fair amount with a friend I hadn't seen recently who didn't know. -HSD

I wanna talk to my physical therapist about hip braces because I tried a knee one we have and it honestly helps, but my hips are worst so I wanna see if it would help, but they're pretty expensive. It's hard to find dual hip braces, from what I've seen in my research, and even though one more than the other, both cause me issues. Idk, I'm conflicted, because it could help but is it worth all the effort? Also, even if it's under clothing it's still physical evidence (1/2) -HSD anon

(2/2) of my "invisible" disorder. Also, stopping exercises for a few days because of not feeling well from my covid shot reminded me of just how much time I spend on them, so it's another thing to deal with this. . . Idk, sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to just deal with it. I still have pain anyway, though it might be a little better. Less often, maybe? I don't really remember. It's not stressing at the front of my mind all the time, but the back of it. I'm just conflicted. -HSD

HSD anon here, idk if I mentioned it in an ask already, but recently I had a small breakdown because I was watching something where a character was in a car accident, as was trying to push through having trouble walking even with a hip brace. After a minute, I registered it and just thought "That could be my future". My joints had already been acting up and then they got worse, so I don't know if it was cause and effect? But I don't exactly know what to call it other than a trigger. (1/2)

Physical and emotional effect, at least I'm assuming on physical because I've had a bad reaction to something similar before, but like, I don't have trauma, I think it's more fear of the future. And I don't want to use trigger incorrectly, it's insensitive to those who actually have triggers. I'm just so confused.

Forgot to sign the last ask with 2/2 and HSD, whoops.

Hfnsiwk I'm not ready to walk into PT tomorrow and say that I don't think months of PT have been helping but I have no way to be completely sure because for all I know it's the weather since this is the first year I've known/it's been noticeable. Maybe it's just change, I don't know, but it just feels like such a waste of time if it really didn't help. Plus, I'd stop, and while that'd be great, I do enjoy being stronger, even if it didn't help pain. I have 12 hours and a bad pain day idek. -HSD

Hi Hypermobility Anon,

I think I found all your asks and got them in the correct order. And found your last ask!

I’m so glad you kept writing in. I think you should go ahead and make your side blog - you definitely have enough material for it. Wanting to make a happy side blog also is a great goal to have, but if you don’t know what it will be yet, don’t let that prevent you from doing something you know you want to do and that will probably help you.

You are dealing with So. Much. Your mom especially sounds like she just is not ready to accept the situation. It’s not self-pity to state your actual conditions. It’s just reality.

Forgetting about pain is normal, and really all you can do is try to write it down or make some kind of note about it in the moment or immediately after, so you can refer to it later. Maybe you can track your pain events in your phone notes.

I think your idea to add “zebra” to your bio is a good one, this is part of your life and just something you have to deal with. It sounds like you’re finding a community for this.

Sleep schedules are tricky, and feeling like you desperately need to sleep can make it so stressful that it starts a vicious little cycle. Some strategies to get around this are First, remember that just resting is okay and helpful too, even if you don’t fall asleep. Letting your body lay there to rest is good for you.

Second, if you’ve spent several minutes laying down without falling asleep, its okay to get up and walk around, or any small light exercise that’s comfortable for you. The goal with this one is to get out of the bed for a bit. It will help your brain to re-learn that the bed is for sleeping only, not for laying awake. That association can help signal to your brain to start its sleep-process when you get into bed at night.

Third, it’s really common to have a changing circadian rhythm during your teens and twenties. That’s just a thing that happens and you can’t do much about it, so just try not to worry too much. Sleep when it feels right and when you can, instead of trying to force yourself to sleep when you’re “supposed” to.

If hip braces would help you, you should definitely at least mention it to your physical therapist. You might research online for any used ones as well. A physical sign that you have pain can have good and bad consequences, but I think the good consequence of being in less pain far outweighs any others.

The triggering event you described is not so much a trigger as it is just a genuinely really upsetting situation. You related really strongly to the character you were watching, because they’re dealing with similar problems to you, and to problems you could have in the future. It’s a lot to process. But while you could potentially be in a car accident, remember that television is made to dramatize events and probably made it seem a lot more difficult and scary than it really would be.

Since we know you sometimes forget your pain, it’s safe to say that the exercises are helping you manage it, and you say that they’ve made you stronger in general. Those are good things, and I would recommend you continue the exercises you can do on your own even if you end of ending your physical therapy sessions. We don’t know yet if your pain might have gotten even worse without therapy. You’ll have to find that out on your own if you stop exercising, and then decide whether it’s more worth it to you to continue exercising or to live with the pain. Whichever you choose, it’s Your choice, Your body. Take care of yourself. <3

-bun

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loveerinn · 5 years

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What Did I Expect 11:23pm

what did i expect?

i tried to stay off tumblr for this protest...

i tried.

but i felt like ripping my hair off being off tumblr that long.

my skin felt off cause i wasn’t able to talk the way i needed... i can’t seem to express myself out loud. even when my friend was asking me what was wrong. nothing. it was nothing.

today before anything i felt nervous

i felt nervous and jittery

and i didn’t know if they were bad or good

but i just-

i couldn’t feel comfortable in my own skin

because i knew i was going to...

i knew at some point i was gonna

she makes my insides feel weird

to be around her

just makes me...

being in her presence makes me feel like emotional teen angst is overtaking me

and i don’t know what to do

cause i’m around her

and i feel hurt

i wanna get away

rant

scream

and i’m not around her

and i feel lost

i wanna be closer

cry

yell

i don’t even know what to do with myself and it needs to stop.

cause we don’t have a relationship

we aren’t friends

we’re ...

we’re idk

i don’t know but nothing about the situation should be making me feel so off balance anymore

i shouldn’t want to knock my head when i’m not around her

and i shouldn’t want to knock hers when i am

god i wanted to fucking punch her

kiss her too

but then she’d probably punch me in face

and then

that wouldn’t have been fun for anyone

i had fun.. i was okay

but i was great...

i wasn’t able to just...

idk. i’m sick of this feeling.

if someone has a manual on how to handle this. it’d be taken which such graciousness. believe me.

i feel stupid

i always feel stupid

sometimes i feel so transparent

but then i remember literally no one has any idea how i feel in the moment

no one realizes

the moment someone realized when i got home and just had to watch...

had to see him step out my door..

god

what did i expect?

it should be nothing.

nothing is what i should’ve expected

i’m soooo aggravated i just wanna rant and cry and scream.

but it’s literally like nothing happened to me

i wasn’t upset

no one hurt me.. not physically anyways

and i know i seemed calm ..

but i wasn’t happy. i’m never happy unless i’m on here expressing myself

and .. that’s why i had to break the protest...

cause to do this

to do this is coping

to do this is sanctuary

to do this is sanity.

my sanity.

what keeps me going.

what allows me to act like nothing phases me.

cause i know it shouldn’t

so i act like like it does. m

i’m so good at making myself just.... smile.

i thought it would come easier .. and it did but at the same time it didn’t. cause idk. maybe i’m wrong. maybe you can enjoy yourself while also being worried. can a person enjoy themself with an incredible doubt and insecure banging in the back of their mind???

with what makes you doubt & insecure looking you in the face?

what did i expect?

i expected nothing cause i knew i shouldn’t

and yet... it still feels like i am. why??? what the hell am i waiting for ??? nothing. i’m waiting for nothing. i’m feeling hurt over nothing. i’m expecting nothing. why can’t my mind...no... not that-why can’t my HEART agree with me for once in it’s stupid little life.

you don’t need to feel like this. why why why why whyyyyy do you feel like this

you admitted to yourself how you felt, Uterika. you’ve accepted how you felt, Uterika. you’re not denying it anymore, Uterika. you just... you just... idk Uterika. fuck. fuckFUCK DIDJSJFUXKFUXK FUCKKKKKkkkksksksksksjsjs. that’s it. that’s all i wannna do. sigh.

i know it sounds bad. i don’t want to use anyone. i want to be so distracted. i want to fall so in love with someone else. i want... i want anything...anything. fuck anything. why. why can’t it just be easy.

if someone willing to love and take care of me already existed? maybe this wouldn’t have happened... but it did...i

i don’t know how many times i have to say this and drill this in my head.

my head hurts so much. and i just...what did i expect...

what tears me up inside so much about something so minor? something so irrelevant??????? cause this is irrelevant. it wouldn’t matter to anyone this much. it doesn’t matter to her that much.

why did ....why.

the final wreck to my entire self esteem and how i was holding myself together. it’s like... i’m not depressed. i’m not sad. i’m not even mad. i can’t explain my feelings. all i can think is torn. crushed. but nothing is pressing me. nothing is stepping on me to crush me. so what’s happening. why is my self esteem like....... weird rn???? idk.

i was calm i was holding it together till i got home. and that’s when one of friend finally saw. cause the mask cracked for a second when he stepped out the door... when he left to talk to her and she knew. she looked at my face. my once smiling and laughing face. my now expressionless face. and she just knew.

she just shrugged at me like “what can you do?” because she knew

knew how i was feeling.

do you think pretending to not pay anyone attention hurts them Uterika? no it just hurts you. cause you know the reason they didn’t notice was cause they weren’t paying you any attention to begin with.... do you think ignoring something and not talking to someone.. makes a difference... no. cause it doesn’t bother them to not speak to you.

why do i look at you and look at how you don’t even look at me.. want to be next to me... move when i’m near you.. why does that still hurt me. why can’t i just.. why can’t i just accept that? why do i want to grab her face, look into her eyes and beg her to look at me... scream at her to pay attention to me. That’s not fucking me. I don’t do that. I don’t react like that. I’m stronger than that in every way. i don’t beg people to pay attention to me. and she does what she does cause ...cause that’s her. that’s how she handles things that make her uncomfortable...

i make her uncomfortable

i need to be okay with that.. it’s not changing... at all. i knew. i fucking knew i should’ve deleted that poem. i shouldn’t have even wrote it.... what is bravery when it’s led by the utmost levels of stupidity. she couldn’t even fucking look at me. i couldn’t even stop looking her. wtf is wrong w me. i make myself angry. cause once you’ve accepted what is happening you’re suppose to be able to to understand it enough to move on. why am i not doing that. what am i doing wrong.

why do i tell myself not to expect anything but still somehow feel ...something. i can’t even identify.

Note to Self... learn... learn how to ... idk... learn how to... shut my feelings off? Can a human being do that? Is there a cost factor? What do i lose by letting go of all my emotions? what do i gain? how worth it is it to stop being so obsessed with this???? i don’t. i don’t know. idk anything anymore. today was a good day. i saw friends and had fun. yet my stupid anxious mind just.. sigh. idk.

Move on..... that’s it. idk how. idk when. but Fuck that’s all i gotta to do. What I need to do. Idek know if i can tho...But honestly Uterika? What did you expect?

Love, Erin

#jumbled thought #idk #emotions are gross #love erin #talking with erin #personal #talks w eri #letters for me #quirks #sigh #im a mess

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aziraphaleandcrowley · 3 years

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Sometimes I really wish I could just finish something. I have a 4000 word start of essay + 30000 word document of research about asexuality on screen which I wanna base my masters degree on - but I’ll probably never actually do a masters so what’s the point - but I don’t wanna write it unless it’s for my masters cos I want it to actually be good and mean something.

But I also have an 11000 words worth of writing and research for an essay I was gonna write about destiel - and now I just don’t care about it at all. Like, congrats they got married, but I just don’t care about them anymore, nor the C*W hell so that’s not going anywhere either

I’ve also got like 4000 words in writing and research about Schitt’s Creek but I just don’t have the effort.

And I know that Current Events TM don’t help with being motivated to do anything but ugh. I love wrtiting essays and I really wish I could get some inspiration back pls.

(I ramble about life after this so ignore if you wanna)

I could actually do my masters this year if I could find enough motivation and inspiration to actually want to, but I know that even if I could find the effort to go through the application process and actually get in, that I wouldn’t have the effort or time management skills to actually get what I want out of it.

Does not help that I’m aro?ace and not out to my family -cos why should I have to announce that I’m not sexually or romantically attracted to people really? If I find someone I actually like enough to have a relationship then great, but considering I can barely maintain friendships I’m not hopeful - but anyway I’m not out to my family and I wanna do a gender and sexuality masters degree writing about representations of asexuality on screen and do not want to have to announce that to my family cos I don’t see how I’d be able to do that without outing myself or lying and I don’t wanna do that either. I don’t even want to announce it to people other than my closest friends cos as soon as you mention gender studies, let alone sexuality studies, no one takes you seriously - speaking from experience after mentioning it to one of my colleagues :/

Like as soon as I mention sexuality studies I feel like people are gonna see me as queer - which I am - but I don’t want them to and Idek. Living at home with my parents makes it difficult to work out who I actually am and want to be cos I’m always hiding parts of who I am - and I probably don’t need to, I mean my mums at least a little homophobic but I think that’s more uneducated than anything but my dad is chill. But I don’t wanna come out in actual terms and not just ‘I’m not interested in anyone’ which I say now, cos I don’t wanna say, oh yeah I’m not attracted to anyone, but I still wanna date and have sex and that could be with a guy or a gal or a non-binary person, let’s see what the future holds.

I don’t know how to own/be proud/be confident in my sexuality/queerness and it making it difficult to be proud/confident/open about queerness in general. I still avoid watching queer things around my parents, listening to tv with headphones cos I don’t want to come off as too interested in queer things. My Netflix list is full of queer stuff which I try and avoid my parents seeing cos it’s like 99% queer which feels very telling. I’ve embroidered little pride flags that I have not allowed my parents to see. I’m current crocheting an ace flag coloured jumper which I’m not explaining in the slightest and I’m gonna do a David rose inspired pride love heart jumper next which I’m hoping doesn’t get questioned. I’ve been reading queer fanfic for like 10 years and to this day I haven’t let on to what I’m reading about. I’ll say I’m reading about Merlin, or supernatural etc, but never any extra details cos that’s too gay. I get asked what I want to watch on tv and I’ll rarely say anything cos all I watch is queer stuff I don’t want to be be judged by. Or more like I don’t want do anything that could lead to questions about my sexuality cos I don’t wanna lie but I don’t wanna be out either. I don’t want to say no I’m not gay cos I might end up in a relationship with a girl one day and that would be great. But I’m not straight either and my parents wouldn’t even know aceness is a thing. I hate that I’m like this but I am. It feels safe even though I know there’s no actual danger in revealing myself

Ugh I’m not even gay but I have so much internalised homophobia about being judged as being queer idk.

I think I’d benefit from speaking to someone about this - like professionally, cos this just cycles around my brain and has done for months on end. Plus changes in situations now means my parents will see very little - if any - inheritance so they won’t be able to afford to live once my dad retires and I feel like it falls on my shoulders as an only child to try and deal with that even tho it’s not really. Ugh. But with restrictions meaning you can’t see anyone, the only way I’d be able to speak to someone is from my own home, where my parents are and who I don’t want to overhear me speaking about my many issues. Plus accessing mental health help in the uk at the best of times is terrible, speaking from my mums experience and, being a cheap ass, I don’t wanna have to pay for the privilege even knowing it’s be beneficial.

Idk. Ever since last year when I realised I wanted to study gender and sexuality studies after doing an online course looking at representations of women in the media run by a uni in Glasgow, then realising studying in Glasgow seemed amazing not just because I could leave home and study something I wanted in a beautiful place but also in a place which has a queer bookstore and therefore a queer community and queer events and being able to picture myself living a better life in a better place, then realising that that uni course wouldn’t actually be best suited to my interests, and that I couldn’t actually afford to study in Glasgow anyway, and that I’d have to use all savings I didn’t even have at that point to afford to even go to uni, then COVID happening I just don’t know what I wanna do. There was a solid week or two when it all sounded amazing and possible and I could see the future opening up with so much potential for actually getting to live the life I might actually be happy with and now I just don’t know. I don’t.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this. This wasn’t my intention when I started writing, I just wanted to moan about my stack of word documents gathering cyber dust on OneDrive...

I’m gonna nap now I think, or try to at least. But at least this is written and going into the tumblr void and therefore out of my head, even for a little while.

#Rebecca speaks #ignore my ramblings #gonna actually try and kick my ass into gear later and see it that helps.#sorry to the peeps who have recently followed me for Schitt’s creek content who haven’t experienced one of my rambling sessions yet

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