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astrobydalia · 3 years

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🌸OBSERVATIONS!! (finally lmao)🌱

Credit: Tumblr blog @astrobydalia

It's been a long time coming! So happy for spring being finally here! Here's the long ass observation post you guys asked for. Since it's quite a big amount of observations, I've decided it'd be a good idea to number them so that it's easier to reference them. As always, enjoy them!

🌸 1. Lilith in the 2nd house can indicate something fishy going on with the relationship between the native’s parents.

🌱 2. Malefic placements such as pluto, chiron, Saturn or Lilith in the 12th indicates a lot of skeletons in the closet when it comes to family and family history

🌸 3. Chiron in Aries/1st house or Leo/5th house is kind of bitch placement. The person basically feels like they can’t be themselves and there’s a lot of self-denial and/or not accepting themselves, how they really are, what they really want, etc. Lots of self-esteem issues

🌱 4. People with sexual placements in the 2nd house (Mars, Venus, Lilith, Eros, ruler of the 8th house) base their self-worth on how sexually attractive they are. If they don't feel sexually desirable to everyone, they feel like they're shit

🌸 5. Lilith is what people think Pluto/Scorpio is!!!! All that stuff about magnetic, sexual and intoxicating but dangerous? Lilith.

🌱 6. Scorpio/Pluto in 4th could mean that the person had to work hard to survive something growing up. It could be poverty, their parents’ expectations, an early trauma, etc. Whatever the situation is, the native felt like they grew up in a high-stress environment where they had to endure and survive

🌸 7. When it comes to degrees, the higher the degree, the bigger or stronger the effect. For example Leo degrees (5º, 17º, 29º) are fame degrees. 5th degree would give small fame, 17th degree would be normal and significant fame or recognition inside the person’s field and 29th degree is moreso widespread or permanent fame

🌱 8. Saturn in the 5th house is a huge indicator of turning your hobby into your job. Also these people can be very awkward in their personality

🌸 9. I’ve noticed people with Neptune in the 6th (maybe 2nd) house may have been hospitalized and if Uranus or Pluto are placed here also indicates getting surgery or operations for health reasons

🌱 10. People with Uranus or Pluto in the 1st, 2nd or conjunct the ASC could get surgery due to aesthetic reason

🌸 11. Mercury dominant people (or strong Gemini energy in the chart) like to have or get things quick and easy. For example they prefer a straight forward summary over an in-depth and elaborated explanation with too many details

🌱 12. Your moon sign shows how you see your past. Your 4th house represent how you see your childhood. But your moon represents under which light you always view your past and everything that has happened in your life in general. It also shows the type of stuff from your past you tend to focus on. Since Cancer and Pisces represent past and remenaicence, that's why Cancer and Pisces moons have trouble getting over the past.

🌸 13. Your 10th house on the other hand is how you see your future. Whenever someone asks you “where you see yourself in 5 years?” your 10th house is the one that’ll be answering that question

🌱 14. Gemini moon/mars are the LEAST likely to hold grudges (unless chart says otherwise)

🌸 15. The house where you have your Neptune indicates the themes you tend to lie about, don’t give much info, say stuff about it that are misleading etc. and in consequence people might not have a clear/correct idea of this part of your life

🌱 16. Virgo risings rarely or basically never pose for pictures. They just look straight forward to the camera, sometimes smile and maybe make a small gesture like putting one hand in their pocket or tilt their head but that’s it. (Virgo = minimalism)

🌸 17. Scorpios really don’t give a single fuck they just DON’T 😭💀 Remember this sign is all or nothing, they either care too or don't care AT ALL

🌱 18. I said it once and I’ll say to a hundred times more: Geminis are not two-faced, it’s LIBRA!! Seriously Libras are the FAKEST people I’ve ever met. Why? Because it's ruled by the planet of love (Venus), which means Libra has a knack for being liked by everyone and making everyone feel liked. HOWEVER Libra is an AIR sign and air represents mind, NOT feelings. In conclusion, Libra can make you feel "loved" (venus) and still not give a damn about you bc its air nature makes them prone to emotional detachment. That's why they are able to roast you and make it look like they're complimenting you, specially when they have Scorpio mercury.

🌸 19. Just like you look at where’s the ruler of your rising sign to get more info on your rising, check the ruler of your Sun sign for more info on your personal identity (check sign and house). For ex. I have Virgo Sun in the 9th. Ruler of Virgo=Mercury. I have mercury in Libra in the 10th house which makes me more serious (10th house) and diplomatic/people pleaser (Libra)

🌱 20. If you found that you “couldn’t” do what’s previously described because you’re a Leo sun, check the degree and decan of your Sun

🌸 21. I’ve noticed mercury retrograde people are the type of individuals who always know exactly the right things to say. You’ll always see them take a couple of seconds before answering but they tend to give very good responses

🌱 22. I’ve noticed many women with Virgo Venus/Sun/MC/Lilith have been slut-shamed at some point of their life or they’ve been seen as promiscuous/sexual/etc.

🌸 23. Capricorn moons are not emotionless machines. The thing with these natives is that their mothers treated them like an adult the second they came out of the womb, so basically they skipped the “love and affection” stage and went straight to the “grow up” stage, but they can love really hard and real deep (Capricorn is deep down a very sentimental sign). They are very ride or die people tbh, they are very patient, accepting and understanding

🌱 24. I've noticed that people at first deny their rising sign in Vedic astrology, but eventually they end up accepting it and they actually end up relating to it a lot. I feel like this is because our rising sign in Vedic astrology is usually the sign of our 12th house in Western astrology, which leads me to believe that our 12th house sign is not our shadow side but more like our deep subcontious personality and that's why we have a hard time accepting it when we see it as our rising sign in Vedic astrology. It's like your rising sign (in western) is the director of the play but your 12th house is the energy that previously wrote the script

🌸 25. So many celebrities have moon in the 11th house. Also this placement indicates that you had a mother that put you out there constantly like posting everything about you on social media, bringing you to big events or your mom was “famous” in some capacity

🌱26. Gemini risings tend to believe everything they are told. More specifically, once they find someone that knows a little bit more than them they’ll believe everything they teach them and will most likely rely on them intellectually, for advice, guidance, etc. This is bc they have DSC in Sagittarius which makes them see the people they associate with as masters and mentors while, as a Gemini rising, they identify as an apprentice.

🌸27. Both 8th house and 12th house have been associated with secrets. The different is that the 8th house represents what you CONTIOUSLY and deliberately hide from others and most likely deny to yourself (or not, depends on the person). 12th house on the other hand represents subconscious, things that are hidden even from you and you didn’t even know were hidden. 4th house is not necessarily secrets, it represents privacy, like when people have a sanctuary to just relax, unwind and feel secure, that’s the 4th house.

🌱28. Sun or Moon in the 4th house will make you a sociable but private person.

🌸29. Sun or moon in the 8th house will make you an intriguing and mysterious person.

🌱30. Sun or moon the 12th house makes you a very elusive or wishy-washy person

🌸31. I’ve seen many Scorpio sun/moon/mars/rising individuals obsessed with the idea of being prepared for a catastrophe. They could be the type to, for example, have some saved cash just in case something bad happens with their bank money, have a backup account just in case their main one gets deleted, could have a “leave before you get left” philosophy, etc.

🌱32. Is it just me or the astro community talks a lot about Aries moons???

🌸33. I’ve noticed people with 4th house in Virgo could have been raised in a very judgemental household where there was lots of taboos and prejudice as to what’s right and what’s not and the family was too preoccupied with a perfect and immaculate reputation. For example could have been raised with values such as “only criminals wear tattoos” or “you should stay celibate till marriage or else you’re a whore”, etc. and if the native broke those rules they could have been very criticized and almost loathed by the family. They native could have been highly criticized in general by their family

🌱34. I’ve noticed women that have their moon harshly aspecting Pluto, Uranus and Mars or overall have a very afflicted moon tend to have very painful period cramps

🌸35. Something I have noticed with Venus or Moon conjunct Saturn people is that the concept of unconditional love sounds like alien language to them. That of course doesn’t mean they can’t love but they have this deep belief that they have to achieve something in order to deserve love and stuff like that

🌱36. Also, I just noticed that people with Saturn conjunct sun/moon/Venus/ASC, Capricorn big 3 or Capricorn degrees in personal placements have gone through IT man, specially on an internal level. I've noticed going through depression is a common theme for people with this Capricorn/Saturn influence

🌸37. Virgo Suns could often struggle to find balance between having healthy ego and being humble.

🌱38. Also people with Virgo+Leo energy are the MOOOOST judgmental people out there. Imagine ego mixed with a sense of knowing what’s correct. They tend to believe they’re morally superior and easily liable people as inferior

🌸39. The underdeveloped energy of a sign asimilates negative traits of its sister sign. For example underdeveloped Virgo is overly perfectionist and judgmental to the point where they have unrealistic expectations (Pisces)

🌱40. On the other hand the developed version of a sign is balanced out by understanding its sister sign. For example Leo knows they are unique and special and deserves recognition but understands everyone is also unique in their own way (Aquarius)

🌸41. I’ve noticed a person can very easily manifest the stereotypical characteristics of the sign that naturally rules the house where their chart ruler is. For example if someone’s chart ruler (ruler of the ASC) is in the 7th house the person can easily manifest stereotypical characteristics of Libra like being a people pleaser

🌱42. Sagittarius ASC/Mars people are all fun, amicable and outgoing.... until they don’t get their way. They will get away from people and situations that won’t give them what they want and they can genuinely dislike people solely because those people don’t let them have their way. They tend to go around life like they have a free pass to get away with everything they want.

🌸43. People with ASC-Neptune aspects don’t have a very reliable vision of reality or themselves to be honest. I don’t know how people with this aspect haven’t lost their mind already. They are prone to subconsciously manipulating or easily getting manipulated. With hard aspects this is a lot more obvious but I’ve noticed with easy aspects this energy tends to go almost unnoticed and they easily get away with stuff

🌱44. Have seen many famous people with North node in the 2nd, 5th, 11th and 12th houses specially

🌸45. Air risings or air dominance with Sagittarius placements/degrees are people who love cartoons/animations/videogames regardless of their age.

🌱46. When I got into astrology I didn’t understand why Sun is in detriment in Libra, but oh man... All Libras I’ve met had HUGE issues with trusting themselves. They doubt themselves 24/7 and that’s not even an exaggeration and I’ve noticed they actually may have grown up doubting themselves for some reason or they had a family (their dad) that caused this feeling in them. Also I’ve seen that those Libras with Scorpio placements feel like they have to hide something about themselves otherwise they’ll be rejected. Yes they are endlessly charming, but that's because they have essentially created their personality around the desire of being liked/accepted. They always need to feel they have SOMEONE. Their sense of self, INDIVIDUALITY, independence and assertiveness is lost in the process. Unless they have fire and specially Aries placements to balance this out they can feel like they have no personality and that’s why they are often perceived as fake or shallow.

🌸47. Literally ALL Virgo placements one way or another will always suggest a way to solve your problems when giving emotional support

🌱48. I have a theory that, since 4th house is how you were raised, your home and your parents, your 10th house is how you’d be as a parent yourself and the type of home you’ll create yourself

🌸49. Contrary to my expectations, I’ve seen priests having a much more prominent 4th house (many times combined with 8th house/Scorpio energy) than 12th house. People with 12th house placements or stellium seem to prefer artistic fields rather than classic spirituality

🌱50. The house where you have your Pluto is a house you just can NOT take lightly EVER. This area of your life feels like a heavy topic to you in some way (you are either obsessed with it, find It traumatic, get extremely defensive over it, find it spiteful, you feel everything goes wrong, etc, etc.) Can also apply to the house where you have the sign of scorpio

🌸51. In synastry, Venus falling in the 12th house creates a healing dynamic in the relationship, the connection can feel cathartic specially for the house person. The house person might tend to always be comforted by the venus person’s support, always feel better (or even energetically “cleansed”) after being with them. The venus person never judges the house person and accepts them and is always willing to be there.

🌱52. I’ve noticed this pattern in people with mutable moons where they have absent mothers in some shape or form. Their mother is very inconsistent, she always comes and goes. Very often the native may have felt like their mother always “left them be” (virgo moon moms put restrictions but eventually are rather flexible)

🌸53. People with cardinal moons have bossy mothers. In many cases they can have the type of mother that is constantly making decisions for them, like their mother decides what/where they’re going to study for example (the house tells what type of things the mother tends to make decisions on).

🌱54. People with fixed moons have possesive and protective moms. While mutable moons have absent mothers, natives with fixed moons have mothers that are ALWAYS there in some shape or form. At the very least the influence of the mother is always there and they always have this sense of “loyalty” towards their mom.

Credit: Tumblr blog @astrobydalia

That's it for now, next observation post is just as long but much better, stay tuned and safe loves 💕

#astrology #astro #astro notes #astro observations #zodiac

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silcoseye · 2 years

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P8: It's Just a Burning Memory

info: "It's been years since Silco, Vander and (Y/N) split up. When Silco searches for his old friend again, asking them to help him teach a child he had recently taken in their 'explosive' craft, their feelings for him are reignited. The question remains if he burns for them just as bright as they do."

info: THE FINAL PART KAJNSHHIJDILADKFJKDSNM THIS IS THE LONGEST FANFIC I HAVE EVER WRITTEN AND FINISHED SO THIS IS VERY BIG FOR ME!! Writing this was delightful, seeing so many people across platforms enjoy this work so much and validate my writing was so beautiful <3 you are all amazing people. Thank you thank you thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed my writing! Happy reading!!

WARNINGS: smoking, suggested PTSD, trauma, depression, mental health struggles

5689 words

The next few weeks were dedicated to your healing, and for a pleasant amount of that time, Silco joined your side. Considering all the time he dedicated to changing your bandages, checking in with you as well as keeping you company, you had a sneaking suspicion he truly did care for you. Perhaps more than you had let yourself believe. People change, after all. Time changes them. Perhaps the water had changed him too? On one hand it had transformed him into a man seeking revenge on the world that wronged him, in the other perhaps it made him realize the worth of those who cared for him?

Jinx visits were occasional- with all the free time she suddenly had, and considering you weren't 'fit' for teaching her, it needed to be filled. You'd hear plenty of tales from Silco of finding his office (pleasantly, though he wouldn't admit it) vandalized with bright neon drawings and 'Jinx was Here' scribbled in the most obvious places. What followed would be the stories of him having to explain to his buissness associates and the Chem Barons the reason they were there- which all caused you to laugh At your laughter, he'd smile, lean back in his chair, and mention he needed to get new wallpaper in his office anyway.

When Silco had a job to do- after all, his newfound duty as the Eye of Zaun kept him busy- he would drop Jinx off for you to look after, as he had promised. Your lessons resumed, much to his distaste and protests. Her skills had to be perfected, and you couldn't exactly do anything but lay in your bed and let your body heal itself. Though, by his request, not all her time was spent learning. Those same blue swirls began flooding the pages of her sketchbooks and arms in the forms of blue paint, pencils, or whatever she could get her hands on. She appeared fixated upon them. In fact, sometimes you'd let her use your own arms as her canvases, eager to see her chaotic designs on your body. It made for a more interesting time

Finally when your body had healed, and you were declared fine by the doctor, you were allowed to leave the room. Silco insisted you do not work just yet, but the longer you stayed in his home with nothing to occupy your time with, the more bored and useless you felt. Luckily, Jinx's company proved delightful once again, and now that you were out of bed, the activities you could both get up to were endless. Baking at anytime to surprise Silco, helping her put up her drawings, entertaining her with small chemical reactions and experiments in his kitchen- and maybe accidentally destroying parts of it in the process.

Perhaps in a small, selfish part of your head, this is what you always longed for. Perhaps the adventures you shared in your childhood and teenage years where enough- they brought their excitement, but as you grew up, you privatly dreamed of a more relaxed life. A more... domestic, if you will.

Every morning, you'd wake at relatively the same time and brew some coffee for both you and Silco- yours to your liking, and his strong and black- while fixing Jinx whatever breakfast she desired that day, along with a hot or cold chocolate. You'd chat together in the kitchen: sometimes about your day; sometimes about a dream you had' sometimes you'd speek with Jinx as well... And sometimes, you would stand together in a comfortable, yet tired, silence. Then Silco would leave for work and return home for lunch or dinner, which had either been brought or made by you and your d-

His daughter.

But you could dream...

"I decided to spend my evening with you, (Y/N)," Silco announced, barely glancing up over his newspaper. This was one of your more silent mornings- Jinx was sleeping in instead of pounding on either one of your doors and whining that she was hungry. This was his fourth sip of coffee, and the second thing he said to you today. Usually, he only spoke after his fifth sip,

"Oh?" He hummed, nodding his head and continuing to drink the coffee, engrossed in the paper before him. You hummed back, moving from where you finished drying the dishes from last night and placing them on the drying rack, "Is there any special occasion I'm unaware of?" You mused, folding your arms over your chest as you turned to face him. He glanced up at you, quirking a brow,

"When was the last time you left the house?"

"A while ago- but only because you'd forbid me from leaving," You smiled, walking towards the table he was sitting at and placing your hands on it. You watched him neatly fold up the newspaper, placing it back on the table with a sigh,

"You were healing," He said, watching you calmly,

"Yeah, and I think I'm healed enough already,"

"Hmm... That's why I decided you deserved something nice after being stuck here for so long," He said, finishing the rest of his coffee and standing to clean his mug. Your smile brightened at his words, and you felt a happy warmth settle in your stomach at the idea of him thinking of you. You turned to face him,

"May I ask what this 'nice' thing is?" You asked. Once he finished washing the mug, he placed it on the drying rack and turned to look at you, lips curved slightly into a smile,

"I think you'll have a good time," He assured, "It won't be like the last time we were together," He followed up fairly quickly, "I'll make sure something like that will never happen again," He said seriously to which you nodded,

"Of course," You nodded, "I'll make sure to be armed too and-"

"That won't be nessessary. I'll be with you the whole time," He said, holding up a hand, "I just need you to be ready by seven,"

"You'll be staying out that late?" You asked, and he sighed,

"I would have liked to take some more time off, especially for this, but I have too much work at the moment" He said. He sounded disappointed, "Considering Zaun and-"

"I understand," You smiled, nodding, "I look forward to our evening together," You told him,

"Good. I'm glad..." He trailed off, "Sevika agreed to take care of Jinx for the evening,"

"Did she agree or did you force her?" You teased, to which he exhaled a small amount of air in a laugh, "I knew she wouldn't willingly agree," You mused,

"You are in fact right," He sighed, "I did pay her a... Rather obnoxious babysitting fee," You laughed at that,

"Stars, guess you were pretty desperate, huh Silco?" You teased again, to which he rolled his eyes,

"You could say that," He sighed, "I'll see you later tonight?" He asked again,

"Mhm," You agreed with a nod, "Do I need to wear anything particular?"

"That coat I got you," As he saw the complaints already building in your head, he quickly hushed you, "Wear it, you haven't gotten the chance to yet," Since you spent your birthday bedridden, he had graciously bought you a new, incredibly expensive coat for the colder months. Although you loved it, you don't think you'd ever be used to owning such expensive articles of clothing- let alone wearing them in fear you'd damage them,

"It's way too expensive! What if I ruin it?" you protested,

"I'll buy you a new one," He retorted, "I'm heading off to work," He stated before you could continue arguing with him, "See you at seven,"

"See you at seven," You repeated, watching as he left. You sighed, putting a hand on a chair and getting lost in thought once the door shut behind him. All you knew was that it was just the two of you tonight, somewhere away from here- judging by the fact that he asked you to bring your coat. Maybe this was the perfect oppertunity for you to finally tell him how you feel? Oh, Stars. You'd have to confess your true feelings. Through these last few months you spent inside his home, in his presence, you felt a multiple opportunities to say something. Unfortunatly, your anxiety always had you coming up short and stuttering out some stupid thing that made him laugh or look at you worriedly. Some small part of you believed he maybe loved you as you did him; a larger part of you figured he was only doing it out of friendship. You hoped the latter to be true but you had no way of telling unless you asked. Mentally, you decided that this was it. Regardless of the outcome, you had totell him tonight. If he rejected you, you'd simply acknowledge and move on... How long that'd take or if that was even possible, you only dreaded to find out.

With a small sigh, you dropped your head. Tonight. Tonight. You'd tell him tonight. Tonight, tonight, tonight. Glancing at the clock told you seven was still hours from now. What would you do between then and now to occupy the time? As you stood there pondering, your eyes widened. Silence was never a good thing in this house- knowing Jinx, it meant she was up to something,

"Stars not the walls again," You hissed to yourself as you practically sprinted to the young girl's room. You recalled a few incidents in the past- once you had found her carefully painting and drawing on her face in a mirror she had taken from your room and was covered in bright pinks and blues for days afterward. Once she had decided to do the same with her hair- it stayed pink for a few weeks. Once, you found she was quietly talking to herself. It intrigued you, and you decided to listen in through the crack of the door. This one-sided conversation she was seemingly having was normal- well... As normal as talking to one self when they were alone was- until there was a prolonged silence. She stared ahead at a drawing she had made to commemorate her brother. His jagged features stood out to you, from his sharp chin and hair to his exaggerated sharp teeth and fangs. He looked sharp, ready to strike... Evil, maybe. It greatly surprising to you when Jinx, with a small gasp and whip of her twin braids, sprung up, yelling for the picture to shut up and ripping it to shreds with her small hands.

You had ran into the room, gently snapping her out of this rage, slowing the tears flowing down her face and watching her face relax from its angry expression. She broke out into sobs, holding you tightly until you removed the shreds of paper from the room. You had taken her from the room and spent the day comforting her as best you could- painting together and baking. Though you could tell that morning's events had caused her mood to be off the entire day. She had asked you if she could go to sleep earlier that day, to which you agreed. You checked in on her occasionally, but ultimatly left her alone and let her have her space. Once Silco returned, you told him about these events, and learned that boy had been her sibling. He mentioned soon after the explosion they had returned to the location, trying to salvage any rememnants of the Shimmer Lab that had been destroyed and paying off the Piltover Guards to not alarm the city above. Considering he had no one he could trust to look after her, he brought her along to the location that had caused her so much pain. He had mentioned it was the explosion that killed them, but when she returned she was silent and stoic, finding cracked goggles that had belonged to another sibling of hers and allowing her to take them. It broke your heart to find her still so wounded by the events of that day, and you quickly found that snapping her out of this state and distracting her worked well in bringing her back to you as more incidents like this popped up. Ideally, you would want to speak with her about this, but you weren't sure how best to help her through this.

You breathed heavily as you knocked on her door and entered quickly before anymore of... Whatever she got up to was happening. To your relief, she was only sat on the floor, doodling in blue marker on a sheet of paper,

"Good morning," She said, her usually chipper tone replaced by a monotone one, clearly focused on her innocent task. You sighed in relief, smiling at her,

"Morning, Jinx," You said, looking at the blue squiggles on the page, "What're you working on?" You asked curiously, trying to decipher her drawing. She stood, studying the page for a moment, before walking to a wall in her room so full of paper you could hardly see the wallpaper behind it. You watched her as she taped the drawing to the center, stood back and looked over it, judging her work,

"Just connecting everything," She said. You moved to stand near her, and similarly studied the drawing. The blue squiggles connected across the pages, sometimes disappearing behind drawings of animals like monkeys and bunnies- drawings you had grown accustomed to and associated with the child- as well as others. Faces of you, and Silco, cakes cupcakes, her various bomb designs and explosions, along with the word 'boom!' thrown in a few times,

"Hmm," You looked at the wall, "It's certainly more exciting than the dust bunny grey Silco's got," You smiled at her, and watched as she giggled at your comment,

"I think so too," She said happily. You just had to accept that not every day would be happy like this for Jinx. You just had to show her you were there for her in any way she needed, and that with you and Silco, she would be alright.

By six-fifty, you were dressed and ready. Perhaps you were a little bit overexcited for tonight and got ready way too early- eager to spend time with Silco in a setting where he wasn't worrying over you, stuck in that boring room. Sevika had come about two hours ago and picked up Jinx, giving you a slight nod and glaring down at the girl. Jinx was hugging her art supplies close to her as she waved goodbye to you and dissapeared with the woman. Sevika particularly hated Jinx's doodles, so you made sure the young girl was armed to the teeth with her markers, crayons, colouring pencils, sharpeners, and her notebooks- in case one ran out of empty pages. You spent that time getting ready, showering, styling your hair and picking out an outfit. He hadn't exactly given you a dresscode and now that he had some say in it, your wardrobe was full of fancy and nice clothing. There's too much choice, you argued with him, only for a package full of more clothes to arrive at your door the next day. You glanced up from where you sat on the couch as Silco entered his home, and slid the coat he asked you to wear from the side of the couch where it rested. You stood and walked to greet him,

"I hope you don't mind I'm ready a little earlier than we agreed," You said, almost timidly,

"No, no. It's rather alright," He said, his gaze flicking over you as you stood there for a moment, watching each other. Your cheeks flushed as you watched him take you in,

"Right," You broke the silence, "Should we go?"

"Yes... Yes, let's," He said, turning to the door again. What surprised you was when he cleared his throat, causing you to turn and glance down at his outstretched arm. With a small 'oh' of understanding, you linked your arms together and exit the home, approaching a carriage waiting for you. He helped you in, before entering himself. Soon you were moving, "You've got the coat," He pointed out, smiling at you. You sat across from him and observed his tired features as he reached down into his inner pockets, pulling a small compact out and opening it. He gazed into the small mirror with his corrupted eye, and gently dabbed the puff with foundation over the rotting skin of his face where it had rubbed off during the day,

"How was work?" You deflected, leaning your head against the side of the carriage, enjoying the way it moved along the roads. With a heavy sigh, he spoke,

"Tiring. As usual," He said, "Believe me, I am more than happy to be relaxing here with you now, (Y/N)," Your smile widened at his comment,

"That true, old man?" You teased. He looked towards you over the mirror with a stare, at which you simply laughed. With a small smile, he shook his head and went back to dabbing at his face,

"Yes, it is," He said, placing the puff back face down into the foundation and shutting the compact, storing it away in his pockets. He produced a cigar from his pocket, lighting it with a match. Your eyes followed him as he leaned back into the blush seat, blowing a ring of smoke into the roof of the carriage. His shoes touched your own but you didn't dare move,

"Better now?" You spoke, a hint of playfulness in your tone,

"Certainly," He smiled,

"Care to tell me where we're headed now?" You asked, moving the curtain covering your window slightly to try see where you were. Deffinatly still in the lanes,

"You'll see," He said cryptically, "Have some patience, my dear,"

The carriage ride was calming, easy conversation flowing between you two until it came to a halt. By then, Silco had finished the cigar, and as he exited first, he dropped the butt to the floor and reached a hand out to you to help you get down. Softly, you thanked him and stepped out onto the murky street. The carriage pulled away, and you were alone. Alone. Just the two of you. No drunks or shimmer infested people wandering the streets. Just you and Silco in a small street of Zaun,

"Do you remember it?" He asked, eyes focused on the large building towering before you both. The shades of grey and brown faded between each other in the bricks, weaving uneven ugly patterns. There were large cracks spreading through the weakened building, and many of the bottom windows had cracked glass or where simply boarded up. It was old, crumbling, and dilapidated. It looked like something you lived in once... A long time ago. You searched your brain for any remembrance in the building's bricks, struck by a chord of unknown nostalgia,

"No?" You say uncertainly, looking to him for any guidance. His lips simply turned up at the corners, and he glanced down at you amused, "Should I? I've got a terrible memory you know," You mentioned, watching his smile falter momentarily,

"Considering we lived here for a substantial amount of our youth I'd think so, yes," He said, looking back to the building. Your eyes widened and you turned your gaze forward in surprise. Of course. Although you never really stopped to stare at the place you once lived in, you began to feel the familiarity, eyes flicking up to the broken balcony and corregated roofs above, mouth falling open slightly. Your gaze fell, focusing on the door. The familiar shade of deep forest green broken by rivets of brown wood beneath the chipping paint held your attention. You remembered all the time's you and Silco would burst through it, either running in, or out and up to your floor. You also remembered how Vander would almsot always hit his head on the top of the door, being too large, and how hard you and Silco would laugh. You remembered how Vander took the door off the hinges after a particular game of cards where Silco and you had cheated him out of all his money. Without realising, you were slowly approaching the door with Silco,

"Right," You breathed slowly, gaze fixed on the door as you stood infront of it, "37," You pointed at the bronze letters on the door with a small smile, "I remember now," You assured him, glancing up, "But why are we here exactly?" You asked quizzically,

"Sometimes, we need to visit those places from the past that once haunted us in order to move forward from them," He said, looking forward,

"Profound," You commented, making him look down at you, "I mean- it's very wise," You restated, smiling at him,

"Hmm," He hummed, before leading you inside. As you wove your way through the familiar thin corridors, your thoughts raced. This was the place where he had left you behind following Vander's betrayal and honestly, you had no clue how to feel. You still loved him just the same- he found you eventually, he care for you so much now. You felt as though your relationship was rekindled. You felt no malice or ill will towards him. So why were you so nervous? You considered his words: you were visiting a 'place from the past that once haunted' you and him. He said 'us'. There were a few unpleasant memories of cleaning eachother's wounds as aftermath's of won or lost fights, but that was about it. You'd already discussed Vander's betrayal, so what else could he possibly be referencing?

Your brain slowed and went blank as you entered your old bedroom. It was completely bare and empty, the multiple matresses and posters stripped from the walls. Void of any life and covered in a thin blanket of dust, all you could do is stare. It was fairly dark within the room, the only light coming from the dim one in the hall behind you, casting soft shadows into the ground. The only other light source was the open doorway to the balcony, casting warm shades of orange and pink. Mentally, you could still picture the large bed Silco and you shared each night, Sevika's corner, Vander's large bed... You felt yourself gravitating towards the balcony doorwar, walking slowly and trailing a hand against the thin walls, fingers catching on the multitude of cracks within the plaster. Once outside, you looked down over the street from where you had entered, noticing the same emptiness. It looked much more familliar from birds eye of view. Looking further upon Zaun, most of the lanes were obscured by various plumes of grey and yellow fog. The air was much cleaner up here. It always was,

"Shall we?" You heard Silco's smooth voice break the silence behind you. Turning, you found he had followed you, and stood near the wall, looking up with a longing to the roof, then back at you,

"You're like a cat, you know?" You teased, smiling as you approached him, careful of the broken fence beside you. He looked at you confused, "You like being up in tall places overlooking everything," At that he smiled, humming, and you watched him climb onto the corrugated roof like all those years before, with surprisingly similar agility. He helped you up with a firm grip on your hand and smoothed down his outfit once you were both up on your feet on the landing. You reminiced on all the times he had pulled you up to his level in the past. How many moments you both shared together. How many of those moments you held so close to your heart.

As you walked forward slightly to admire the setting sun and the various splotches of pink, orange, and white covering the darkening blue of the sky behind them, Silco moved behind you. He removed the long black jacket he had been wearing and fixed his sleeves, rolling them up slightly. You turned to look at him, "I remember this now," You told him,

"That's a relief," He smiled to himself, pinning the sleeves back so they wouldn't move. You glanced back to the view with a smile. You moved forward, careful of the edge, and sat down. The landing here was smooth and concrete- safe as long as you stayed away from the edge,

"It's quiet here," You mentioned, looking down at your hands. Gently, you traced your burn scar with your fingers, and glanced over as his hand reached to yours, the scars touching. He had joined you, sitting besides you. The scars crossed over your hands, "Together forever," You hummed,

"It is," He confirmed. You glanced over to him to see a plume of smoke exit his thin lips, and his other hand passing you a cigarette. You smiled, taking it from him,

"Back to these?" You asked, to which he laughed dryly,

"No, no. Not really," He said, "I brought them just for you, actually," he admitted, causing your eyes to widen in surprise,

"Huh..." You exhaled, smoke rising into the air from between your own lips. Your head turned to the sky again, "Right. Because you're used to your fancy cigars," You said playfully, to which he nodded, "Smoke is smoke, Silco. Kills you no matter what the source is," You reminded,

"Look who's being profound and wise now," He said, letting go of your hand. You laughed to yourself, looking at the cigarette between your fingers. Although still just a cigarette, you recognized it to be a more fancy one. Likely from Piltover? Must have been imported by him. Just for you. That explained the change in taste. It didn't make you want to cough as badly as the Zaun cigs. Just for you. You hummed, cheeks reddening as you glanced back to him to speak, hoping to enact your plan, but finding yourself alone. Looking behind you confusedly you noticed a withered gramophone and Silco beside it with his back turned to you. Quickly stubbing out the cigarette on the floor you stood, quietly approaching him.

He looked so relaxed and at ease, shoulders dropped as his long slender fingers slid over large vinyl covers in his hands, reading the titles. He pulled one from its sleeve, placing the black disc onto the board and turning the machine on. To your surprise, it began to smoothly spin, and when he placed the needle onto one of the rings, loud brassy jazz filled the air with a slight crackle. You recognised a melody from long before, both delightfully happy and unimaginably sad in its own way. Tinged with the nostalgia of older times. He then turned to look at you, standing beside the flower-like horn from where the music was coming from,

"May we...?" He trailed off. Your wide, glassy eyes snapped to him, mouth agape as the music continued to softly play beside you. He held a hand out for you to take, and with minimal hesitation, you did.

For a moment, it was only you, Silco, and the music. The world faded away, your ears filled with the brass, your eyes only saw him. His hand went to your waist, gently holding on, and his hand was firmly holding yours. Your hand gently arched around his shoulder, and you both begun to slowly move to the melodies. Not even the gentle crackles interrupted your moment of peace. Dancing among the fading day's hues with a man you had loved for years. To you, there was no better way to spend your first, healthy day,

"If you'd told me this morning we'd be dancing on the roof of our old home together, I would have asked you if you had fallen ill," You admitted, unable to hide the bright smile on your lips beginning to make your cheeks ache. He laughed gently at your comment, tilting his head so he'd be closer to you,

"I knew you'd enjoy this, (Y/N)," He said with a smile, suddenly letting go of your waist and holding your joint hands above you, encouraging you to spin. With a surprised laugh, you did so, laughing as you unglamorously fell into him. Luckily, Silco's hands caught you, smiling as he sett you on your feet and continuing to dance. You moved together in a circle until you were out of breath. You slowed to a stop with the song, holding his hands in yours tightly,

"Give me a moment," You said to him breathily. With a glance at the sky again, you sighed as you felt a gentle breeze swirling around you, cooling off the radiant heat on your skin. You realized he was watching you, awfully intensely, yet with a kind expression on his features, "What?" You asked,

"I didn't bring you here just to dance," He admitted in a low voice, "Though it has been something I wanted to do with you for a while," He admitted, eyes not meeting yours momentarily, "(Y/N), I've been... Meaning to talk to you for a long time about this," Your heart dropped at his words, and you watched him expectantly now. The record stopped momentarily, only to start again. The same jazzy melody filled the air as Silco took a deep breath to ready himself,

"(Y/N)," He began, eyes meeting yours and holding your gaze "I care for you... Deeply. You may not believe me, but I always have," His declaration honestly surprised you, "For the years I was gone, I always cared for you. I always hoped that miraculously you'd cross my path one day. I always hoped I would find you again- and then, I'd make sure I never left you again... I hated the way things ended between us so suddenly," His voice was full of remorce,

"I always thought you didn't have time," You breathed, to which he smiled,

"I was a stupid man," He said softly, moving a hand to rest gently on your cheek, "I was focused on too many things at once. I should have made space for you..." He said. For a moment he was quiet, and his eyes left your, downcast, "When you... Were attacked. And I found you in that alleyway... A part of me felt that that was it. That I had been foolish enough to get you killed," He said, the sadness clear in his tone, "That I had not gotten the chance to rebuild what we once had properly," Gently, you covered his hand on your face with your own,

"But you didn't, Silco," You assured him, "You saved me. You kept me safe and you nurtured me back to health. I wouldn't be... Here without you," You reminded him. With a defeated sigh, he comes to rest his forehead against yours, closing his eyes. You reveled in the closeness, a small smile coming to your lips once more as your own eyes shut. For a moment you remaind in eachother's presence, happily, until he pulled away to continue. He didn't move far, staying close and gazing at you with eyes full of emotion,

"When you were unconscious," He continued, his voice soft and velvety, "I truely felt like I had lost everything," He admitted, shocking you with his words, "In those moments that Sevika and I found you... It was as if the very future of Zaun didn't matter to me anymore. All the work I had built up to, and spent years of my life planning- it all didn't matter to me... Because you were close to death and it was my fault. All I could hope for was that you would make it out alive,"

"Silco..." You breathed emotionally, feeling tears welling in your eyes. Stars, you had no idea you meant that much to him,

"And when I found out you were alive... And you would stay alive..." He continued, "I don't think I have ever felt a greater joy and relief," He spoke. Gently, he traced your cheekbone with his finger, "I vowed I would protect you... And I intend to keep that vow until the day I die," He spoke,

"Silco..." You whispered softly, eyes wide and watching his bio-coloured ones intensly. You hardly felt the tears slipping down your cheeks until he caught one with the pad of his thumb, whiping it off of your face,

"I am close to you in a way I haven't been with anyone in my life, (Y/N)" He spoke softly again, face moving closer, "The truth is, I have been in love with you since I was young. Since all we did was run the streets and survive together. At one point, I realised that... Survival to me wasn't all that mattered. Surviving with you was a greater pleasure than life itself," He smiled softly, "You've always been there for me from the start, for Jinx as well. Only now have I been... Courageous enough to tell you how deeply you have affected me," He spoke. The music ended, and started once more. There it was. The confession you longed for since the beginnning. Since he had shown up, and reignited those volatile feelings you had let fizzle out into embers. There he was, reciprocating your love for him, "I shouldn't have waited until you were almost gone... For that, (Y/N), I am eternally sorry,"

"I love you too, Silco," Was all you could say, smiling brightly up at him and moving your hands to wrap around his neck, "I have for a long time too... I was just... Never sure you'd feel the same for me," You felt your cheeks flush with warmth, more tears spilling down your face, "Stars, it feels really good to finally tell you..." You admitted, laughing happily

"Well, my love," He said with a smile, making your thundering heart flutter with joy, "I'm certain you know where I stand now," Those were the last words he said to you before you felt his lips press against yours. Carefully moving a hand to the short ends of his hair, you held him there as you reciprocated the kiss- a staple of your shared love for one another.

And there you stayed together, until the stars lit up the sky and the music faded away into the air. Holding one another in a never-ending embrace, twin smiles covering your faces, and happiness fluttering between your aching hearts. A warm glow; a warm love, cemented within just a burning memory.

AN: AND WITH THAT VOLATILE IS FINISHED!! Thank you, eternally, for reading this silly fanfic! Your kind messages helped me finish this and reassured me my work was good. As of completion (9/5/22) i have no plans in writing extra parts BUT check back in the future! You never know ;)

I'm hoping this ending was good and not a dissapointment- I know it took me a while i'm very sorry ;-; but it's here now.I love you all, thank you so much for reading, and I hope you have a lovely day <3

-Musique

#volatilearcane #arcane netflix #silco fanfic #silco x y/n #silco arcane #silco x reader #silco #arcane league of legends

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thedeviljudges · 3 years

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yohan + physical tough + trauma response

disclaimer: this is based off of eps 1-7, and preview of ep 8; i wholeheartedly recognize that this post may become the worst meta ever depending on how the rest of the show goes. however, i do think there are still some interesting things to note about yohan. a lot of this is also me just talking shit out as i was sifting through all the eps again. i’m more than willing to change my mind or hear other thoughts.

also i kinda, sorta, unnecessarily included all of the moments of yohan and any physicality. a lot of them are not super important, but i do think they help draw a distinction in how he reactions when surprised, alone and around other people.

so, here’s a long ass post that is literally 99% me bullshitting, lmao.

so i wanted to delve more into yohan’s response to physical touch by way of trauma. while i know a lot of us have pieced it together, i think it’s pretty cool to lay it all out visually because i think there’s much more justification for his reactions; not to say it makes it right, but it does really flesh out a fundamental part of his characterization that i think is highly, highly important to understand.

yohan lives on the cusp for reckless behavior, almost as if he doesn’t care whether he lives or dies. the car chase, running through industrial buildings where safety isn’t a concern, etc.

episode one

the first time we see an instance of his disinterest in physical touch is when he first meets gaon. he actually offers him his hand, but the way he goes about it isn’t a handshake. he almost looks hesitant, and then he squeezes and does not shake. it’s truly a split second gesture out of formalities. granted, he’s just met someone he thinks looks like isaac, and might be in a little bit of… not shock, but certainly distracted.

later in the episode, yohan is in an abandoned building with homeless people. he’s checking people’s wrist, but he’s quick about leaving them alone. until, a homeless man comes up behind him and grabs him. in response, yohan swings his arm to knock him off. then, he punches him, steps on him and decides whether he’s worth the effort. again, granted, no one likes to be surprised in a creepy situation like this, so his response? kinda understandable at this point.

next is the scene where yohan catches gaon in his office, where he pushes him against the bookshelf and kinda, more or less, comes off as a bit luring. we know yohan knows gaon’s lying, but a couple of things here. yohan initiated the physical contact, and he did it because of the suspicious nature of gaon. yohan also knows how to use his power and charms to catch people off guard, and i think really, he was messing with gaon when he brushed his shirt and asked him if he lived alone. gay as fuck, lmao, but i also see it as an intimidation tactic, in a way.

i could also pose a couple of theories aside from intimidation if we wanted to squint:

yohan is still in a state of awe of gaon’s resemblance to isaac. he’s not heard his voice or been around the other man for at least 10 years, and now there’s tangibility at his fingertips.

if we want to look at it from the gay perspective, gaon is clearly intriguing to yohan, and as i’ll note further down in this post about yohan in relation to physical touch, i’m sure it could be assumed that this is one of the first people in a long time that yohan has an interest in making a connection with. however, because of his upbringing, it’s clear he does’t necessarily know how to connect with people (ie. ep 7 trying to connect with elijah, eps 1-6 with him trying to non-verbally tell gaon that he has bigger plans than what’s in front of his face. his admission in ep 5 about being monster). more or less, he knows his charms can be used, but when it comes to actually flirting and/or liking someone? it’s left to be addressed, but could be assumed he’s just as awkward about it as when we see him at home.

we also see a small instance of him letting someone dress him. there’s still touch involved, but it’s very clear what the intention is. he has control over the situation, and it’s not a surprise.

the next time he engages in physical touche, again, he initiates it because he’s in control, and it’s meant to be comforting, to an extent.

and then to round everything off, we actually see him reaching for isaac, who is actually gaon in the court scene, but you know storytelling and all that. he reaches for him both in the courtroom and within a flashback.

him reaching out for isaac seems to be a motif within the show as it happens later on, of which i’ll point out.

episode two

we see him initiate a handshake again. at first, to gaon, and then with jinjoo. controlled situation.

later on in the episode is when we see our first glimpses of batshit crazy yohan, an absolute delight and fav, lmao. he actually reaches out to the spoiled kid, and it’s clearly to legitimize intimidation and a position of power.

okay look, i’m not even gonna front, this was a cute scene. when jinjoo gets out of the car, he checks to make sure she’s okay, and they have this moment before they go onto the red carpet where they smile at each other. yohan is confirming she’s okay, and she agrees. again, controlled, and i don’t know for certain if yohan is more comfortable around women, or it’s just mere fact that he doesn’t always have a problem with touch when the situation is safe. he actually lets her take his arm further on in the scene, and yes, it is a public display of niceties, and he knows that.

so in the midst of this happening, we get the ‘devil child’ story. and i want to make note of the bird scene because i do think it’s important to note that people yohan cares for, he’s willing to go to the ends of the earth to protect them. yes, they’re children in school, but the girl next to him is the only one who showed him an ounce of kindness, and yohan is proven to remain loyal to those he loves or trusts in some capacity.

of course, he ends up pitting the rich and the poor kids against one another for their betrayal and making him an outcast. in yohan’s mind, what he did wasn’t necessarily wrong because his sense of justice is based on protection and when people wrong him or those he loves, it’s seeking justice on their behalf or making the situation better - not in the technically right way, but right to him. yohan comes across as a fixer and problem solver.

yohan has a very, very strong sense of trust and loyalty, and we can assume that stems from isaac, who clearly tried to protect yohan from his father, who went out of his way to do so as best as he could as a young kid. yohan values loyalty not because he necessarily wants lap dogs and people to do his bidding. it comes from a place of love and security he’s never really had.

anyway, back to the gala with jinjoo, he does shake the minister’s hand. again, controlled. there are cameras. he also puts his arm around her, and that’s mainly because it’s a battle of the wills, and she’s trying to reprimand him, lol, as if she could. he hugs her a little hard and a little enthusiastically, and you can clearly tell it’s for show.

and then he dances with both jinjoo and sunah. and there is a stark difference between these two scenes. yohan actually teaches jinjoo the proper placement for where she should rest her hands and how to move. he’s actually having a good time with her, and again, it’s actually really cute.

with sunah, he’s reluctant and definitely on guard. he can tell from her demeanor that her intent is with purpose trying to get close to him. at this point in the story, he probably sees it as sunah coming onto him and not because she’s actually the maid from when they were children. when sunah reaches up to whisper in his ear, you can really tell he doesn’t like her being that close to him at all especially because her words may not be overly threatening, but there is purpose behind them, which means yohan’s guards are up. he physically removes her hand and than blatantly turns her down: she tells him that enjoying things alone isn’t fun, and he counters it by saying he’s having a lot of fun.

so at this point to reduce on some screen caps, he meets the minister’s family, has handshakes with her husband and the kid he went after to essentially beat up his car with a mallet, lmao. the handshake is quite funny because they both know what happened. yohan is in control, and that kid is shaking in his boots.

then the explosion happens, and of course, it makes sense that yohan helps gaon after he’s hurt. gaon has never been a threat to yohan, and it’s clear yohan’s not heartless whatsoever, but it’s also poignant to note that gaon helped saved yohan’s life, thus starting yohan’s journey of loyalty to gaon. i think he’s always had his sight set on gaon to begin with, possibly long before he even became an associate judge, but if this was a test, gaon passed it with flying colors because if gaon can rescue a little girl, and he can help an old man who fell off his bike, would he really go the lengths to save yohan who has shown him time and time again his sense of justice is different?

episode three

yohan reacts negatively to soohyun and within good reason when she questions where gaon is. he turns away because for him, the conversation is over, but for her, it’s not. to get his attention, she grabs him when he’s not paying attention, and of course he has a very adverse reaction. at this point, it can be chalked up to disrespect given the fact that he’s a head judge and she’s just a mere cop, but hindsight is 20/20. he does throw her arm off by flicking out his arm. but instead of berating her, he just tells her to catch the culprits who harmed gaon and leaves it at that.

and then of course, everyone’s favorite scene and rightfully so. yohan caring for gaon? very sexy of him. gaon is injured, poses no threat, and as i said above about yohan finding some amount of loyalty in gaon means his physical boundaries aren’t jeopardized. and for that, we get these wonderful scenes of yohan helping gaon as he heals.

and then scenes of him messing around with gaon by hitting him. truth be told, i wonder if this was something him and isaac did as young kids. anyone with siblings know how that goes. fake picking on each other? fake bickering? yeah.

and then it slowly, but surely, it’s revealed that yohan didn’t have the same upbringing as isaac did. our first instance that something at home wasn’t right wasn’t just the conversation with ms. ji and gaon. it’s the flashback with yohan reading in his room when the door opens. he hastily pretends he’s asleep, and you can see he’s visibly shaking and breathing roughly until he realizes it’s isaac who’s there to give him books.

and that’s also when we get our first glance of what kind of abuse yohan suffered from at the hands of his father. it’s clear this isn’t the only incident, and there’s been many times that isaac wasn’t around to help defend him.

it’s also very clear in how yohan acts when he’s terrified and that his abuse has gone on long enough to be a routine pattern in the house. any time he hears heavy footsteps or thinks his father is around, he visibly shakes and gets panicky.

episode four

i include this scene because it’s been noted that a lot of books yohan reads are about humans, human nature, animals, animalistic tendencies, and he says random shit like this that directly points to what he thinks about humanity and humans themselves. we notice this most prominently at the dinner with gaon and jinjoo earlier on when he describes that he likes the feel of the chew and that he cannot taste. he always mentions hunting and prey, and i think this is one of those very clear instances where he actually reveals to gaon what he truly, truly thinks; no gimmicks. this also comes into play later on in ep 6 when elijah is worried about him being out all night. yohan clearly doesn’t trust people at all. he understands their intentions, their motives and how much pain they can cause other people for their own profit and their own gain. it makes sense that he wouldn’t leave his house, especially if he has a strong sense of loyalty to isaac (even after all these years) and caring for elijah.

this is also one of the very direct moments that yohan doesn’t understand family dynamics. when it comes to people, it’s a giant chess game. not only that, later on in the episode when they’re in the car and yohan talks about how people, no matter what, are always the same in front of greed, yohan is cynical, and he expects the bad every single time.

what he reads and the way he words things (here and the discussion of him being a monster, for example) is clearly an indication that he doesn’t trust; that he cannot trust, nor does he want to at this point. yohan doesn’t understand the concept of kindness being given freely (ep 7 when he berates elijah for being used by gaon, telling her she falls for kindness every time). and yet, later on in eps, it’s clear when he’s around the right people and the right mindset (uh, gaon?? lol), he’s constantly putting up a front.

after all in ep 7 when he tells gaon that confidence is key, it literally gives him away not just in the courtroom but in his personal life. there’s a reason he looks softer at home than when he’s not there (the hairstyle changes and clothing).

basically what i’m getting at is this behavior can be seen as a defense mechanism because of his abuse.

then it’s another gala event with gaon and yohan this time. another lovely favorite where yohan helps him get dressed and then proceeds to drag him around and safe him from the lion’s den.

tbh i dont even need to include these, but i’m doing it for the indulgence.

yohan does sorta physically throw gaon as well during the rich people party, but that’s mainly to get him to shut up because he’s trying to show gaon the truth at hand and how all of it’s pretty much a farce.

later on in the episode is when we first have gaon truly attacking yohan verbally, and that’s when yohan snaps. it’s clear that isaac is a trigger for yohan, especially from someone who speaks out of line on something they know nothing about. gaon, truth be told, had a stupid moment confronting yohan the way he did. i don’t know who waltzes up to a proposed murderer and just asks them, lmao.

but here’s the thing, thus far, gaon has not entirely posed a threat to yohan. whether that’s from yohan planting gaon and guiding him exactly where he wants him or gaon just not being as thorough as yohan would like, and he’s trying to tap into that talent, is anyone’s guess. but as i said above, the one thing yohan protects is the things he does care about the most, and he tries to talk himself out of his own feelings. he constantly compares himself to an animal (again, dinner scene with gaon and jinjoo) to justify his actions, and to possibly not feel anything; because that’s easier, isn’t it? not feeling. so on top of gaon calling him a monster and a killer, confronted with the possibility about being a villain in his own brother’s story, obviously sets him off. he beats down his emotions until he’s confronted with it - and this is what gaon also meant in ep 6 about how it’s ridiculous that yohan calls himself a monster over a victim because yohan can’t even see himself in that light. not because he truly believes victims are weak necessarily, but i wonder how much he realizes that what happened to him wasn’t his fault.

to me, and as i just said, yohan convinces himself he’s a monster to make it easier for himself to belief his actions (ep 5 telling gaon some humans are born monsters in relation to himself). it’s not that he inherently thinks he’s wrong, but i think his guidance for what’s right and wrong was misconstrued without a parent figure in his life, especially if he’d read crime and law books as the focus. yohan’s actions, at least quite a bit of them are, are based on a gut feeling of right and wrong. when you think about it and your own sense of justice, how would that differ without the checks and balances in place? what punishment do you think fits the crime if we weren’t bound by written law? yohan thinks any action to protect those he loves is, more or less, justifiable because it’s a means to an end. it’s making a worng right again.

i don’t think yohan is a monster. i think his feelings, and what he knows is love, is misconstrued in terms of how to express it. we see this in episode 7 with his and elijah’s conversation where she’s just trying to be a teen, but his version of love is protecting her without, once again, understanding family dynamics and the pain points of growing up, the learning she has to do on her own. yohan might technically be right; similar to being book-smart but not necessarily street smart. his theory of telling Elijah that she’s soft for kindness and being used was true, but his delivery and the idea that that’s how humans develop doesn’t work. he’s telling her text-book rules, but people don’t live through books. they live through real life. yohan reads to get a sense of fulfillment and to learn. he’s learned his way into adulthood, but that’s not normal.

so uh anyway, back to this familiar scene:

because we don’t know the actual story of isaac’s death, it’s hard to say what role yohan played in his death, but i don’t know that i believe he was the one who did it. the entirety of the devil judge is relying on unreliable narration, so it’s difficult to gauge (for now since we’re on ep 7) how this will turn out and what happened, but to me, it really comes across as yohan upset over the insinuation that he could be the one to cause the death of the one person he loved the most. plus, i think it says a lot that he cares/loves elijah, and she was part of isaac. gaon crossed a thine line. yohan essentially welcomed him in, and this is gaon toeing it. we can also look at this is not gaon being an outsider to their family, but now has become part of the family, and so it’s easier for yohan to be ‘abusive,’ if you will, rather than the perspective of gaon still on the sidelines and pushing too far. by this i mean, the accusations made by gaon threatens their formulating family dynamics.

and once again, the only person he ever actually reaches out for is isaac.

and then we have the aftermath of yohan’s nightmare, where he’s still caught in the dream as gaon comes in, and refuses to be touched after, even if gaon’s intention is to see if he’s okay. yohan makes it very clear to gaon not to touch him, and that’s when elijah comes in with a very accusatory ‘what are you two doing?’ in this moment, yohan is not just vulnerable, but he’s emotionally sensitive. i’ve no doubt he’s still dealing with a form of sensory overload from his dream.

and then, i don’t know that this was necessary? was it necessary?

the following set of scenes are the ones where gaon tells him he’s a victim and he hasn’t confronted his own emotions about his abuse. i think yohan realizes gaon is right to some degree, but it is convoluted, and it’s not so simple to face your own traumas. however, he does for a moment after gaon leaves, remember another instance of abuse he couldn’t stop but wishes he could, wishing a parental figure of sorts would’ve come in to save him like his older self is trying to save the kid version if only he could turn back time, if only he had the power to do what he wish someone else had done for him.

and then the kidnapping scene is just. fucked up in and of itself. it actually makes my skin crawl. not because sunah is scary necessarily, but the lack of autonomy yohan has - especially when we find out later more of sunah’s story. to do something like this after what she’s suffered through makes this scene even more disturbing.

you can see the moment yohan hears heels when sunah (not knowing it’s her yet) comes in. literally the minute he knows someone’s headed his way, he checks the fuck out. his whole face goes slack, especially when sunah reveals herself. and when she’s kissing him? blank as fuck, too. it’s the most dead-eyed stare i think we’ve seen from him.

episode six

so, we get this gem from elijah that i’d like to touch on later. it’s more speculation and just me running through ideas more than it is canon fact. but what it does let us know is that yohan doesn’t seek people out. he prefers to be at home and staying there.

after we get the maid story, and we do get yohan touching sunah’s cheek, and in some fucked up twisted way, this is his way of protecting one of the things isaac cherishes the most. the point of the gesture isn’t just intimidation but serves as an act of intent, of protection in the only way yohan knows how. he’s safeguarding isaac. you can tell he doesn’t actually like sunah at all as a kid, but uses that to his advantage. imagine yohan learning violence for ‘good’ things when his father used violence for ‘bad’ things. what a twisted way of looking at it? and the irony at hand.

additionally, the main reason i’ve included so many varying scenes of yohan touching people isn’t to establish that he’s okay with being touched given how many scenes there are of him randomly shaking people’s hand or touching them. it’s all about context and what the intent is for. most often than not, really way more often than not, yohan only reaches out for people when it’s socially acceptable to do so and because it’s manners. and yet, even in some of those cases, there is still intent behind the gesture.

the moments he acts out the most are when he’s not in front of an audience, when he’s more likely to be alone with his thoughts and is exceptionally more vulnerable to his own triggers.

and i think the scene after he’s back at his house from the kidnapping is noteworthy because it doesn’t just feel like he’s shaking off the effects of the drugs he was given. he seems to visibly trying to compose himself of the mental and physical play he just had to deal with.

the next scene is yohan angry with gaon for taking elijah out. which really, he does have every right to be angry, and one thing i didn’t note above during the ‘you killed your brother’ choke out scene before is that when yohan is backed into any kind of corner, he reacts like a caged animal.

because we’ve already established the scenes with his abuse, his father took his anger physically out on yohan. so how else was yohan supposed have developed the tools to express it? it’s easy to hurt the things you love the most; it’s easy to abuse the ones you know, and between gaon and himself, they both have an unhealthy dynamic because gaon is old enough, strong enough to take whatever yohan gives him. gaon is not family and so there’s still that clear divide and a distinction as to why he lays a hand on gaon but not elijah, for example. gaon can still pose a threat. elijah is family. then again, it can also be said that maybe yohan considers gaon family, and gaon betrayed elijah and therefore yohan, and you don’t do that. not with yohan’s understanding of family dynamics.

but with that said, it begs the question why yohan keeps gaon around, and i think some of that has to do with the fact that gaon surprises yohan. he might’ve set his sights on him long before he became an associate judge or maybe he took interest after gaon was chosen for the role (this is still up in the air), but deep down, yohan sees something in gaon despite his snooping, despite his righteousness. it could be the potential; it could be the fact that gaon could be better than yohan if he just allowed himself to loosen the ropes he’s tied himself with when it comes to the court of law and the justice system.

but here’s the thing that idk a lot of people have really picked up on. gaon is one side of the same coin underneath it all. he’s also provoked yohan with physicality when yohan brought up details about soohyun.

to be fair, we can say that yohan evokes a different type of anger in gaon, one that he hasn’t tapped into for years that allows him to open up to that more physical side of himself he learned to put behind him. gaon doesn’t really come across as the physically threatening type, but yohan does push his buttons and vice versa.

but then, of course, we have the big fight scene where gaon goes in on the attack, and that’s when yohan makes his threat not to attack him ever again. it’d be easy to say he says it based on the merit of him not actually attacking soohyun, but seriously speaking, the intent feels much more than that. more along the lines of asking gaon not to provoke him without warning again because next time might be bad. most of their other fights, especially the one above,have been in the midst of conversation. this time, it’s from a place of complete surprise, and you can tell yohan goes on the defensive when his first instinct is to not just throw gaon back but raise his fist to strike.

episode seven

the only physical contact yohan has with anyone is the president, and that’s when he turns on the live video of the two of them, and it’s clearly intended to be a lowkey threat. he keeps pulling the president back into his side to be on the live camera after the dude tried to come after yohan. i do think it’s hilarious that yohan manipulated the situation with a live component just as the president and the rest of the rich people thought they could turn a live court show into manipulating the public.

and then, of course, the jail scene. the part where he makes gaon stay. he also touches gaon’s shoulder later just before they leave.

episode eight

the most prominent scene in this ep is certainly the scene where sunah comes onto yohan, and you can tell she did it to get under his skin in some way. of course, he’s smart and knows she’s up to something, but i think it’s so interesting how he wraps his fists around hers, almost as if to tame her and prevent her from trying to further put her hands on him.

we also know yohan has no issue with using physical force regardless of who it is (obviously, his dialogue in this scene, too) when he feels caged or trapped. his intention is also to retrieve isaac’s necklace, and i like how he uses literally anything to his advantage. meaning, he’ll use physical touch, his mentality, etc to get what he wants or needs, even if it is marginally uncomfortable to some degree.

and i think that also says alot about him is that he’s able to displace what makes him uncomfortable in moments like this to achieve an end goal.

additional thoughts

i know this isn’t really common with a lot of the characters in general, and could be chalked up to a cultural component, but yohan’s definitely not a hugger.

the other thing i wanted to note is yohan’s seemingly adherence to touch unless it’s for good reason in relation to sex. the main reason i bring it up is because i’ve seen it discussed a bit, especially in regard to elijah’s comment about him not staying out overnight since the fire. there are a few plausible scenarios, maybe more, but for the sake of this, we’ll go for these.

yohan has had past relationships/experience or will in future episodes

day flings

he’s never had an interest in anyone before given his upbringing and abuse and therefore never sought out sex

inexperience could be from lack of interest in other people and sex itself

he’s never found anyone to really connect with and trust in such a way and has avoided it for that reason

and i bring this up mainly because i think it could be something to explore in fanon, but also because i’m kind of annoyed with how people have been talking about yohan being a virgin. i’m not quite sure what the joke is, but lack of sexual experience does not mean naive or that he doesn’t have a sense of humor when that’s clearly far from the truth:

i don’t know that people find it unbelievable because of his age, because of characterization of yohan being more dominant, but none of these things negate this being an option. i think it’s perfectly plausible of a situation (from what we know right now), and truthfully, it would make a whole lot of sense. i just don’t get the jokes about it that i’ve been seeing online (twitter) when there isn’t a mutual exclusiveness to any of it whatsoever.

yohan already has a hard time connecting with people, and i can imagine that level of physicality could be difficult. clearly he knows how to use a version of it to get what he wants. i’ve no doubt he’s used his charms in situations where he’s needed to. yohan knows he has that going for him, at the very least. but sexual appeal and jokes doesn’t mean having a body count any more than it could indicate there being one.

lastly, i also want to pull these paragraphs from @b612sunsets‘s post because i think they do a much better job than i ever could of explaining, short and sweet, a fundamental part of yohan’s characterization, and mainly what i was trying to get at with this long ass post.

“There's two things we already know about Yohan from the last 6 episodes: he hates being touched when he doesn't see it coming and doesn't have control over it because of the abuse he suffered (I assume). To name a few: Soohyun grabbing his elbow to stop him from leaving and get answers about Gaon, the beggar that touched him while he searched for the fireman, Gaon after punching him and Yohan clearly telling him to NEVER do it again. The impression it gave to us is that if there's a next time he might not be able to stop his instinctive reaction of defending himself and using violence back (something worse than choking or pushing Gaon and he doesn't want to do that with him).

“Unless it's a friendly/small/slow touch like in the breakfast scene when Gaon touches his arm when he gets up to offer them some fruits. When he had the nightmare with Isaac, his walls were up high so even if he could see Gaon's touch coming and it was friendly, he decided to stop it because he was too defensive and sensible to accept the gesture (it would be the first time Gaon started physical contact with him too, he wouldn't be ready for that in such a state).

“The second thing is that Yohan hates when people take what is his or mess with what is important to him. Again, to name a few: Sunah with the necklace when she was a maid, the fireman with Isaac's watch (Yohan made them fall from high places, not caring if they died or not), the guy that fabricated the small bombs that hurt Gaon (Yohan would have burnt his face if "K" hadn't stopped him) and Gaon taking Elijah out of the house to Soohyun without previous notice (a cop and someone he doesn't trust).”

yohan has a very, very large sense of self-preservation for himself and for those he cares about. it’s in his intention, actions, facial expressions, movements, the way he interacts with people. i find it fascinating how calculating he can be, but at home, he’s at his most vulnerable and almost socially unaware and awkward.

yohan is a bit of an irony. he understands people from an action-oriented, instinctual level, but he doesn’t necessarily understand their thoughts and emotions in the waves of nuances that people live through on the daily. like, he gets it to an extent and on a practical level, but he himself is a square trying to fit into a circle - he doesn’t always understand it for himself and has to actively work on social cues so as not to come across as the devil child he was once painted to be.

and let it not be unsaid, yohan really will go to the ends of the earth for family, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone.

and so anyway, i doubt this offered any real insight, but i think this is my way of breaking all of this down for myself. so, tada!!! lmao

#x #the devil judge #the devil judge meta #*#*the devil judge

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aforrestofstuff · 3 years

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Everyone is saying “Forrest we need ur thoughts on blast uwu we know he gives you the bulgy wulgy owo” and while you’re totally right, nobody is mentioning how ZOMBIEMAN HAS SHOWN PEAK SURROGATE DAD IN THIS CHAPTER.

It begins with Child Emperor doing the thing we’re all guilty of as children: thinking adults are better at doing things than they actually are. He feels bad that he misjudged Silverfang and Genos’ character before the assault and therefore excluded them from the team, but nobody is really assuring him that his concerns were completely valid? It’s not far off to assume that Silverfang would be a liability when fighting Garou due to their past relationship and we all know Genos’ backstory is a mystery to every other character in the story, so what else is the kid supposed to think when he receives news about a mole in the hero association? Of course he’s going to take preemptive measures and immediately exclude the one with the most ambiguous past/motivations: Genos. Was he right? No. But did he have a bunch of good reasons to do what he did? Yes.

If he hadn’t excluded Genos or Silverfang, the operation would’ve been botched anyway. I just don’t like how people are telling this kid “improve, improve, improve” when he didn’t even do anything wrong in the first place. Zombieman still gives sound advice, but it’s not reassuring. As much as I love him he fucking sucks at this shit.

Basically, Zombieman says “it’s okay to make mistakes, we’re all human” which is true, but it’s not all that needs to be said. Child Emperor didn’t make any mistakes, he calculated his decisions in a way he thought would benefit the team overall because he is a good leader. He’s not perfect, but he’s damn well the closest thing in that shithole.

Then the juicy part happens: Homeless Emperor rises from the dead(?)

A lot to say about these two pages:

I was fucking wondering what happened to Homeless Emperor. Zombieman got saved by Pig God and brought to the surface, which is great, but there’s still a dragon-threat fucking cadre on the loose??? We never got confirmation that Homeless Emperor was defeated??? I was scared that Murata was gonna let his death be up to the reader’s interpretation, or just straight up forget Homeless Emperor exists as a whole, but this route is way better. Instead of Zombieman finishing off Homeless Emperor all alone, he’ll be doing it on the surface in an effort to protect Child Emperor. How sweet. This fight was definitely worth the tension. Can’t wait to see Zombieman fuck that dipshit up with his bare hands.

I’m aware my experiences aren’t universal, but have y’all ever been pressured into watching gore/shock videos online in the Wild West of the internet pre-2010s and developed some degree of trauma afterwards? If seeing people get ripped apart and burnt alive on the internet during your formative years is enough to fuck someone up, imagine being there as it happens. Child Emperor watched Zombieman get ripped apart right before his eyes. He got his surrogate dad’s blood all over his clothes. Kid needs therapy. That’s fucked UP, yo.

ZOMBIEMAN PUSHED CHILD EMPEROR OUT OF THE WAY GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

can someone please give this shithead a towel or something he still has his dick hanging out like 8 chapters later. His penis has gotten more character development than Tanktop Master, and that’s not even CONSIDERING Kevin the sentient nutsack.

#one punch man #opm #zombieman #meta #Saitama #flashy flash #Amai mask #child emperor #tanktop master #manga spoilers #webcomic spoliers #garou #Silverfang #Genos

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johannas-motivational-insults · 3 years

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Jo’s Top 10 of 2020

I see lots of artists doing that thing where they post a piece from each month of the year... unfortunately my content creation isn’t necessarily consistent and it’s hard to track what month individual fic chapters were posted in, but I figured I’d do something similar and post my Top 10 pieces of content I created in 2020, what they’re about and why I love them. I actually did get a fair amount done this year thanks to the lockdown, but I’ve narrowed it down to these ten that I’d like to reflect on. (To be fair, I’m probably forgetting something huge. Feel free to leave comments if you think I passed over something important lol.)

10. Friendship in the Horde (meta): This is something I’d wanted to write for a while but finally got around to finishing in February. It’s basically a sociology paper lmao, an analysis of the social hierarchies and systems of the Horde. It was also a convenient excuse for me to gush about Catralonnie, an underrated (friend)ship. But honestly this was an important piece for me because I have always identified with the Horde characters way more than any of the rebels (other than Adora, who grew up in the Horde) and part of why is how they are in an unsafe environment and end up forming relationships that are helpful for survival but hinder them psychologically. And I think to understand the Horde characters and really evaluate their motives and choices you need to understand this first.

9. The Sting in My Eyes: On the surface this is just a run of the mill hurt/comfort oneshot, but it was a really important post-canon processing fic for me. I had a lot of feelings about Catra’s relationships with Shadow Weaver and Melog in season 5, particularly about how Catra must have felt really conflicted after Shadow Weaver told her what she wanted to hear all those years but in a way that felt unearned and out of the blue. It was really cathartic for me to write a scene where she struggles with those mixed feelings but has Adora and Melog to help her process them. And I had long associated the song the title is from with Catra and Shadow Weaver’s relationship, and the way she died trying to redeem herself really solidified that connection.

8. Hail Mary, chapter 6: This was supposed to be a short chapter mostly about the backstory between Catra and Scorpia in this au, with some Catradora yearning thrown in. It evolved into a massive, sprawling thing that is very atmospheric in terms of how the setting and vibes are described and how in the moment it feels. Hail Mary is like that sometimes but that type of narration is usually about football games rather than parties, so this chapter was a fun change of pace in many ways. It was really nostaglic for me to write too, the nerves of being a teenager at a party with your crush and how intense everything feels. And the Scorptra stuff really is delicious, it was nice seeing them have that conversation they never got to have in canon and truly make up, and the tiny sliver I added of Catra’s earlier history was heartbreaking in the best way. So this was not what I intended to write, but it turned out way better for it.

7. A Better Son or Daughter (AMV): I’ve done other Adora AMVs, but this one is really my iconic piece. The song is perfect for Adora, so perfect it’s on Noelle’s Adora playlist. The vid itself is a character study about Adora’s mental health struggles and the way she represses them, as well as a tribute to her resiliency and her eventual triumph of getting to a better place in her life. This is a song that gives me a lot of feelings and once I was making it about Adora it gave me even more, so this was a very satisfying piece to complete. I wish Noelle had gotten a chance to see it but oh well, maybe down the line.

6. Hail Mary, chapter 12: This is the chapter that much of the fic had been building to, Catra and Adora in conflict because Catra finally got the chance to be Adora’s hero and Adora shot her down. It’s painfully analogous to canon, both in terms of how (I suspect) Catra felt in Thaymor and Adora’s tendency to victim blame because she’s so pragmatic. There’s definitely some tones of Taking Control in there but Lonnie does a much better job of examining Catra’s psychology and needs than Glimmer did in canon (a writing error imo, Glimmer should have had more insight). Adora just wants to help but sometimes in her quest to do so she disenfranchises others, and this was a much needed look at that aspect of her character. It’s also an excellent illustration of what it’s like to play a peacekeeping role in an abusive household and how stressful it is trying to protect others while also protecting yourself.

5. Unstoppable (AMV): This is not my favorite Catra AMV I’ve ever done, but it might be the cleverest. The soundtrack is a song about mental illness masquerading as a song about being a bad bitch, which is basically Catra in a nutshell. The lyrics are incredibly fitting for her and her arc as it develops over seasons 1-4. The vid itself takes a hard turn in the interpretation of the lyrics, going from talking about how no one can stop Catra to how she can’t stop herself because she’s in such a terrible sunk cost fallacy spiral, and I think I got several death threats over that twist lmao. As someone who primarily deals in angst, there’s hardly a better compliment to be paid.

4. Demons, chapter 31: This one got real dark on me. The concept of this chapter was originally an examination of how comparing abuse can get really dicey but you also have to respect that other people have had different experiences from you and you have to be careful not to equate things or make it sound like you’re talking over someone else. I guess it’s also a bit of a look at how autistic people (like myself) will often explain why they can empathize so others know they understand rather than saying empty platitudes, but that can come off as insensitive or like they’re making things about them. I mean, in this case Adora kinda was making things about her, but she was provoked into it by a parade of comments insinuating she didn’t suffer at all, which was also unfair. Anyway it’s one of the more important Catradora fights in Demons and something I’d written bits of over a year prior, it was that important to the plot, but it also took a turn I was not originally planning. I finished the chapter when I was in a really bad depressive and self-loathing spiral and that bled onto the page, but it worked perfectly for Catra in this scenario... that push and pull of feeling like the world has hurt and victimized you mixed with knowing you’ve done some bad things yourself and feeling like you don’t have a leg to stand on when mourning the ways you’ve been hurt. It’s intense as all fuck but it’s excellent.

3. Hail Mary, chapter 11: Speaking of dark Catra content, this chapter... whew. It was really something else, to read and to write. I have written flashbacks in Demons that are more detailed and even include explicit violence but because those scenes are always in flashback form I never really got the chance to sit in the head of an abuse victim waiting for the other shoe to drop for an entire chapter like I did here. It’s quite different from the rest of Hail Mary stylistically and is both highly sensory and extremely internalized. It took me back to some terrifying moments in my own life so it was difficult but also extremely cathartic to write. It’s important too because it really sets up where Catra was at mentally heading into her big fight with Adora, and that chapter is in Adora POV. This chapter is ranked so high simply because it’s... polished, as @malachi-walker put it. It almost is its own story within the story and really noteworthy as a piece all its own.

2. Demons, chapter 26: This chapter is very similar thematically to Hail Mary 12, just based in the canonverse. It deals with one of the core (but highly neglected by fandom) conflicts between Catra and Adora, where they both need to feel like they can take care of and protect the other but also detest feeling weak or vulnerable themselves. It leads to Adora’s ego making Catra feel disrespected and Catra’s behavior confusing Adora and making her think she’s an ungrateful brat rather than someone who needs so badly to be needed, just like her. There’s definitely some power struggles in this chapter but finally they’re able to get to the heart of it and seeing them talk it out is so satisfying. Getting this chapter published was also important to me on a personal level because, like I said, this aspect of their conflict and relationship is rarely acknowleged for how important it is when really it’s one of the deepest conflicts between them in the series. It’s a scene I started writing pretty much as soon I knew I was extending the fic into something longer because I just needed them to have this conversation, so finishing it was so satisfying.

1. Satisfaction, chapter 3: This chapter took me a really long time to write, both in terms of time to get it published and time I actually spent working on it. It’s the crown jewel of a fic that’s really important to me and I had to get it just right, so I spent more time agonizing over every detail and rewriting things to get them absolutely perfect than I usually do (I’m a perfectionist anyway, but this took it to a whole other level). But in the end it was worth it, because this chapter is damn fine. It’s really hot, as you’d expect from a smut fic, but it’s also an excellent character study of how both Catra and Adora were affected by their abuse and trauma and the issues it raises for them in terms of sex and intimacy. Also, come on, we need more BDSM fics out there that focus on the actual point of it all (the trust involved) and promote communication and do the character work to explain why they might be into it in the first place.

BONUS (from December 31, 2019): One of my favorite pieces of 2020 technically came out in 2019, but I posted it on New Years Eve so most people first saw it in 2020. It’s an absolute banger of an AMV called I’m Not Jesus that’s all about Catra and Adora’s anger towards Shadow Weaver and their refusal to forgive their abuser. Funny enough this came out before Adora’s iconic “I will never forgive you” line, and Shadow Weaver definitely made things more complicated with how she went out, but I think the sentiment still applies.

#2020 recap #happy new year #writing #vidding #fanfic #spop #catradora #demons #hail mary #satisfaction #the sting in my eyes #a better son/daughter #unstoppable #i’m not jesus

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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 3 years

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Religious Trauma Syndrome: How Some Organized Religion Leads to Mental Health Problems

By Valerie Tarico

Marlene Winell interviewed March 25, 2013

At age sixteen I began what would be a four year struggle with bulimia. When the symptoms started, I turned in desperation to adults who knew more than I did about how to stop shameful behavior—my Bible study leader and a visiting youth minister. “If you ask anything in faith, believing,” they said. “It will be done.” I knew they were quoting [3] the Word of God. We prayed together, and I went home confident that God had heard my prayers. But my horrible compulsions didn’t go away. By the fall of my sophomore year in college, I was desperate and depressed enough that I made a suicide attempt. The problem wasn’t just the bulimia. I was convinced by then that I was a complete spiritual failure. My college counseling department had offered to get me real help (which they later did). But to my mind, at that point, such help couldn’t fix the core problem: I was a failure in the eyes of God. It would be years before I understood that my inability to heal bulimia through the mechanisms offered by biblical Christianity was not a function of my own spiritual deficiency but deficiencies in Evangelical religion itself.

Dr. Marlene Winell is a human development consultant in the San Francisco Area. She is also the daughter of Pentecostal missionaries. This combination has given her work an unusual focus. For the past twenty years she has counseled men and women in recovery from various forms of fundamentalist religion including the Assemblies of God denomination in which she was raised. Winell is the author of Leaving the Fold – A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving their Religion [4], written during her years of private practice in psychology. Over the years, Winell has provided assistance to clients whose religious experiences were even more damaging than mine. Some of them are people whose psychological symptoms weren’t just exacerbated by their religion, but actually caused by it.

Two years ago, Winell made waves by formally labeling what she calls “Religious Trauma Syndrome” (RTS) and beginning to write and speak on the subject for professional audiences. When the British Association of Behavioral and Cognitive Psychologists published a series of articles on the topic, members of a Christian counseling association protested what they called excessive attention to a “relatively niche topic.” One commenter said, “A religion, faith or book cannot be abuse but the people interpreting can make anything abusive.”

Is toxic religion simply misinterpretation? What is religious trauma? Why does Winell believe religious trauma merits its own diagnostic label?

Let’s start this interview with the basics. What exactly is religious trauma syndrome?

Winell: Religious trauma syndrome (RTS) is a set of symptoms and characteristics that tend to go together and which are related to harmful experiences with religion. They are the result of two things: immersion in a controlling religion and the secondary impact of leaving a religious group. The RTS label provides a name and description that affected people often recognize immediately. Many other people are surprised by the idea of RTS, because in our culture it is generally assumed that religion is benign or good for you. Just like telling kids about Santa Claus and letting them work out their beliefs later, people see no harm in teaching religion to children.

But in reality, religious teachings and practices sometimes cause serious mental health damage. The public is somewhat familiar with sexual and physical abuse in a religious context. As Journalist Janet Heimlich has documented in, Breaking Their Will, Bible-based religious groups that emphasize patriarchal authority in family structure and use harsh parenting methods can be destructive.

But the problem isn’t just physical and sexual abuse. Emotional and mental treatment in authoritarian religious groups also can be damaging because of 1) toxic teachings like eternal damnation or original sin 2) religious practices or mindset, such as punishment, black and white thinking, or sexual guilt, and 3) neglect that prevents a person from having the information or opportunities to develop normally.

Can you give me an example of RTS from your consulting practice?

Winell: I can give you many. One of the symptom clusters is around fear and anxiety. People indoctrinated into fundamentalist Christianity as small children sometimes have memories of being terrified by images of hell and apocalypse before their brains could begin to make sense of such ideas. Some survivors, who I prefer to call “reclaimers,” [8] have flashbacks, panic attacks, or nightmares in adulthood even when they intellectually no longer believe the theology. One client of mine, who during the day functioned well as a professional, struggled with intense fear many nights. She said,

“I was afraid I was going to hell. I was afraid I was doing something really wrong. I was completely out of control. I sometimes would wake up in the night and start screaming, thrashing my arms, trying to rid myself of what I was feeling. I’d walk around the house trying to think and calm myself down, in the middle of the night, trying to do some self-talk, but I felt like it was just something that – the fear and anxiety was taking over my life.” Or consider this comment, which refers to a film [9] used by evangelicals to warn about the horrors of the “end times” for nonbelievers.

“I was taken to see the film “A Thief In The Night”. WOW. I am in shock to learn that many other people suffered the same traumas I lived with because of this film. A few days or weeks after the film viewing, I came into the house and mom wasn’t there. I stood there screaming in terror. When I stopped screaming, I began making my plan: Who my Christian neighbors were, who’s house to break into to get money and food. I was 12 years old and was preparing for Armageddon alone.”

In addition to anxiety, RTS can include depression, cognitive difficulties, and problems with social functioning. In fundamentalist Christianity, the individual is considered depraved and in need of salvation. A core message is “You are bad and wrong and deserve to die.” (The wages of sin is death [10].) This gets taught to millions of children through organizations like Child Evangelism Fellowship [11] and there is a group organized [12] to oppose their incursion into public schools. I’ve had clients who remember being distraught when given a vivid bloody image of Jesus paying the ultimate price for their sins. Decades later they sit telling me that they can’t manage to find any self-worth.

“After twenty-seven years of trying to live a perfect life, I failed. . . I was ashamed of myself all day long. My mind battling with itself with no relief. . . I always believed everything that I was taught but I thought that I was not approved by God. I thought that basically I, too, would die at Armageddon.

“I’ve spent literally years injuring myself, cutting and burning my arms, taking overdoses and starving myself, to punish myself so that God doesn’t have to punish me. It’s taken me years to feel deserving of anything good.”

Born-again Christianity and devout Catholicism [13] tell people they are weak and dependent, calling on phrases like “lean not unto your own understanding [14]” or “trust and obey [11].” People who internalize these messages can suffer from learned helplessness. I’ll give you an example from a client who had little decision-making ability after living his entire life devoted to following the “will of God.” The words here don’t convey the depth of his despair.

“I have an awful time making decisions in general. Like I can’t, you know, wake up in the morning, “What am I going to do today?” Like I don’t even know where to start. You know all the things I thought I might be doing are gone and I’m not sure I should even try to have a career; essentially I babysit my four-year-old all day.”

Authoritarian religious groups are subcultures where conformity is required in order to belong. Thus if you dare to leave the religion, you risk losing your entire support system as well.

“I lost all my friends. I lost my close ties to family. Now I’m losing my country. I’ve lost so much because of this malignant religion and I am angry and sad to my very core. . . I have tried hard to make new friends, but I have failed miserably. . . I am very lonely.”

Leaving a religion, after total immersion, can cause a complete upheaval of a person’s construction of reality, including the self, other people, life, and the future. People unfamiliar with this situation, including therapists, have trouble appreciating the sheer terror it can create.

“My form of religion was very strongly entrenched and anchored deeply in my heart. It is hard to describe how fully my religion informed, infused, and influenced my entire worldview. My first steps out of fundamentalism were profoundly frightening and I had frequent thoughts of suicide. Now I’m way past that but I still haven’t quite found “my place in the universe.”

Even for a person who was not so entrenched, leaving one’s religion can be a stressful and significant transition.

Many people seem to walk away from their religion easily, without really looking back. What is different about the clientele you work with?

Winell: Religious groups that are highly controlling, teach fear about the world, and keep members sheltered and ill-equipped to function in society are harder to leave easily. The difficulty seems to be greater if the person was born and raised in the religion rather than joining as an adult convert. This is because they have no frame of reference – no other “self” or way of “being in the world.” A common personality type is a person who is deeply emotional and thoughtful and who tends to throw themselves wholeheartedly into their endeavors. “True believers” who then lose their faith feel more anger and depression and grief than those who simply went to church on Sunday.

Aren’t these just people who would be depressed, anxious, or obsessive anyways?

Winell: Not at all. If my observation is correct, these are people who are intense and involved and caring. They hang on to the religion longer than those who simply “walk away” because they try to make it work even when they have doubts. Sometimes this is out of fear, but often it is out of devotion. These are people for whom ethics, integrity and compassion matter a great deal. I find that when they get better and rebuild their lives, they are wonderfully creative and energetic about new things.

In your mind, how is RTS different from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Winell: RTS is a specific set of symptoms and characteristics that are connected with harmful religious experience, not just any trauma. This is crucial to understanding the condition and any kind of self-help or treatment. (More details about this can be found on my Journey Free [15] website and discussed in my talk [16] at the Texas Freethought Convention.)

Another difference is the social context, which is extremely different from other traumas or forms of abuse. When someone is recovering from domestic abuse, for example, other people understand and support the need to leave and recover. They don’t question it as a matter of interpretation, and they don’t send the person back for more. But this is exactly what happens to many former believers who seek counseling. If a provider doesn’t understand the source of the symptoms, he or she may send a client for pastoral counseling, or to AA, or even to another church. One reclaimer expressed her frustration this way:

“Include physically-abusive parents who quote “Spare the rod and spoil the child” as literally as you can imagine and you have one fucked-up soul: an unloved, rejected, traumatized toddler in the body of an adult. I’m simply a broken spirit in an empty shell. But wait...That’s not enough!? There’s also the expectation by everyone in society that we victims should celebrate this with our perpetrators every Christmas and Easter!!”

Just like disorders such as autism or bulimia, giving RTS a real name has important advantages. People who are suffering find that having a label for their experience helps them feel less alone and guilty. Some have written to me to express their relief:

“There’s actually a name for it! I was brainwashed from birth and wasted 25 years of my life serving Him! I’ve since been out of my religion for several years now, but I cannot shake the haunting fear of hell and feel absolutely doomed. I’m now socially inept, unemployable, and the only way I can have sex is to pay for it.”

Labeling RTS encourages professionals to study it more carefully, develop treatments, and offer training. Hopefully, we can even work on prevention.

What do you see as the difference between religion that causes trauma and religion that doesn’t?

Winell: Religion causes trauma when it is highly controlling and prevents people from thinking for themselves and trusting their own feelings. Groups that demand obedience and conformity produce fear, not love and growth. With constant judgment of self and others, people become alienated from themselves, each other, and the world. Religion in its worst forms causes separation.

Conversely, groups that connect people and promote self-knowledge and personal growth can be said to be healthy. The book, Healthy Religion [17], describes these traits. Such groups put high value on respecting differences, and members feel empowered as individuals. They provide social support, a place for events and rites of passage, exchange of ideas, inspiration, opportunities for service, and connection to social causes. They encourage spiritual practices that promote health like meditation or principles for living like the golden rule. More and more, non-theists are asking [18] how they can create similar spiritual communities without the supernaturalism. An atheist congregation [19] in London launched this year and has received over 200 inquiries from people wanting to replicate their model.

Some people say that terms like “recovery from religion” and “religious trauma syndrome” are just atheist attempts to pathologize religious belief.

Winell: Mental health professionals have enough to do without going out looking for new pathology. I never set out looking for a “niche topic,” and certainly not religious trauma syndrome. I originally wrote a paper for a conference of the American Psychological Association and thought that would be the end of it. Since then, I have tried to move on to other things several times, but this work has simply grown.

In my opinion, we are simply, as a culture, becoming aware of religious trauma. More and more people are leaving religion, as seen by polls [20] showing that the “religiously unaffiliated” have increased in the last five years from just over 15% to just under 20% of all U.S. adults. It’s no wonder the internet is exploding with websites for former believers from all religions, providing forums [21] for people to support each other. The huge population of people “leaving the fold” includes a subset at risk for RTS, and more people are talking about it and seeking help. For example, there are thousands of former Mormons [22], and I was asked to speak about RTS at an Exmormon Foundation conference. I facilitate an international support group online called Release and Reclaim [23] which has monthly conference calls. An organization called Recovery from Religion, [24] helps people start self-help meet-up groups

Saying that someone is trying to pathologize authoritarian religion is like saying someone pathologized eating disorders by naming them. Before that, they were healthy? No, before that we weren’t noticing. People were suffering, thought they were alone, and blamed themselves. Professionals had no awareness or training. This is the situation of RTS today. Authoritarian religion is already pathological, and leaving a high-control group can be traumatic. People are already suffering. They need to be recognized and helped. _______________________________

Statistics update:

Numbers of American ‘nones’ continues to rise

October 18, 2019

By David Crary – Associated Press

The portion of Americans with no religious affiliation is rising significantly, in tandem with a sharp drop in the percentage that identifies as Christians, according to new data from the Pew Research Center. …

Pew says all categories of the religiously unaffiliated population – often referred to as the “nones” grew in magnitude. Self-described atheists now account for 4% of U.S. adults, up from 2% in 2009; agnostics account for 5%, up from 3% a decade ago; and 17% of Americans now describe their religion as “nothing in particular,” up from 12% in 2009.

https://www.csmonitor.com/USA/Society/2019/1018/Numbers-of-American-nones-continues-to-rise

_______________________________

Marlene Winell interviewed by Valerie Tarico on recovering from religious trauma Uploaded on January 31, 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIfABmbqSMA

24:12

On Moral Politics, a TV program with host Dr. Valerie Tarico, Marlene Winell describes the trauma that can result from harmful experiences with religious indoctrination. Dr. Winell explains that mental health issues are widespread and need to be understood just as we understand PTSD. There are steps to recovery, treatment modalities, and resources available as well. She now refers to this as RTS or Religious Trauma Syndrome. _______________________________

Links:   [3] https://www.biblestudyonjesuschrist.com/pog/ask1.htm  [4] https://marlenewinell.net/leaving-fold-former  [8] https://journeyfree.org/article/reclaimers/  [9] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Thief_in_the_Night_%28film%29  [10] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+6%3A23&version=KJV  [11] https://valerietarico.com/2011/02/04/our-public-schools-their-mission-field/  [12] http://www.intrinsicdignity.com/  [13] https://www.maryjohnson.co/an-unquenchable-thirst/  [14] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+3%3A5-6&version=KJV [15] https://journeyfree.org/category/uncategorized/ [16] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qrE4pMBlis  [17] https://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Religion-Psychological-Guide-Mature/dp/1425924166 [18] https://www.humanistchaplaincy.org/ [19] https://www.christianpost.com/news/london-atheist-church-model-looking-to-expand-worldwide-91516 [20] https://www.pewforum.org/2012/10/09/nones-on-the-rise/  [21] https://new.exchristian.net/  [22] https://www.exmormon.org/  [23] https://journeyfree.org/group-forum/ [24] https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/

_____________________________________

Get God’s Self-Appointed Messengers Out of Your Head

Valerie Tarico Which buzz phrases from your past are stuck in your brain? “God’s messengers” were all real complicated people with biases, blind spots, favorite foods and morning breath. They were not gods and they are not you. So how can you get them out of your head or at least reduce them to muffled background noise?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElfyYA420F0

#religious trauma syndrome #Marlene Winell #Valerie Tarico

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lizworlds · 3 years

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❤️ - “ My Love, is actually my Twin Flame “ - ❤️

⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐⭐ ⭐

“ My Love,is actually my Twin Flame “

---written by: 🦂 Zayn Whyaeipi 🦂

8/27/2021

A Twin Flame, (Yin & Yang) often known as a "mirroring soul," is an intense embodiment of connection which is believed to be a person’s other half.

It’s based on the belief that one soul can split into two bodies. A twin flame connection will be both challenging and healing, which has been one of the significant aspects. The love story with twin flames created in the stars (literally). From their previous life experiences to their early physical meeting, and indeed throughout the turbulent stages of their relationship, everything about them was destined on a soul level.

When twin flames meet, either or both of them may be in a relationship with someone else. We refer to this person as a karmic partner. Usually, the Divine Feminine is single, while the Wounded Masculine is in a relationship with another (karmic partner). It can, however, happen in any circumstance. A teacher is the karmic mate of the Wounded Masculine. His/her job is to help the Wounded Masculine prepare for the Divine Feminine.

There will be a significant difference. If you represent the lighter side of the TF (Twin Flame) or the yin and yang dynamic, your light will shine on your twin flame’s lower shadow aspects that are living in that darker, denser energy, as well as the things that your twin flame does not want to face and the things that your twin flame is repressing. The Universe uses the karmic for the highest good of the TF (Twin Flame) Union.

( Image source: https://theworkingsinglemom.com/experiencing-tower-moments/ )

The Wounded Masculine may take a long time to settle this karma and part ways with the karmic partner because of soul/karmic contracts (lessons to learn). This is because karmic energy is heavy, and that he or she is still dealing with it. It’s a powerful sign that he/she further needs healing. Therefore, it shows that he or she is in his or her wounded masculine.

As a result, there’s a good chance things will turn messy. Many wounded masculines will have to go through "tower moment after tower moment" (a period when everything seems to crumble apart) before they fully discover what is best for their highest good.

As twin flames, the energies that come from third parties have a direct impact on their connection. For that matter, all relationships are affected to a degree by third-party or outside energies.

( http://www.thelesbianmafia.com/home/wp-content/uploads/feminine2.jpg )

Many times, the DM doesn’t value the relationship the way DF does. The divine masculine has repeatedly overstepped divine feminine boundaries. Breadcrumbing could also have endured by the Divine Feminine out of desperation energy to unite with her wounded divine masculine. She may have allowed deception, lies, and deceptive behaviors. Perhaps she put up with his/her back-and-forth with his/her karmic partner, anticipating s/he’d change his/her mind and choose her/him.

However, once the Divine Feminine has fully awakened, her intuition is so precise while she’s on the verge of healing. She understands she is worthy of becoming the only one in her divine counterpart’s realm.

The Divine Feminine will eventually realize that she is worthy of someone who recognizes both her greatness and her worth.

She desires to be with someone who treats her with love, respect, honesty, truth, and tenderness on an equal level.

She won't put up with anything less.

She isn't accessible for such nonsense.

It's a matter of all or nothing.

( Image source link: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/855050679224598923/ )

We perceive the spiritual dimension as the need for: life's meaning, purpose, and fulfillment;

We know it in the spiritual realm as the ascent of one’s consciousness.

How many Spiritual Dimensions are there?

-3rd Dimension: "The Realm of Pleasure"

The 3rd dimension, We see physical things in our reality that take up space in the 3d or third-dimensional mind. Besides 3d and 5d, several physical objects can appear in 4d and 5d. Since we believe what we see, we believe the 3d only exists because of cultural indoctrination. It’s really restricting and prevents your mind from expansion.

* Ascension of conciousness involves :

(Materialism, Victim mentality, and Control, Status, Ego association, Service to self, Fear-lower emotions, Linear thinking )

-4th Dimension: "The Realm of Time "

The 4th dimension connects the third and fifth dimensions. We know this dimension as spiritual awakening, and it begins through meditation to open the heart chakra. You can feel present in this realm by placing your hand over your heart. If you’re ever in 4d, you’ll notice that you’re quiet and still inside. You will feel happiness, love, and gratitude. As a result, in order to ascend from the 3rd to the 5th dimension, you must first go through or have at least experienced the 4th dimension.

* Ascension of conciousness involves :

(Understanding, Aligning with purpose, Synchronicity, Seeking answers, conscious being, more compassion, more connected, expanding consciousness )

( Image source link: https://www.pinterest.ph/pin/514465957427019990/ )

-5th Dimension: " The Realm of Unconditional Love "

The 5th dimension is the dimension of love. You are in the space of unconditional love. To be in the area of love and light, you must remove any mental or emotional blockages such as fear, rage, jealousy, hatred, guilt, suffering, and so on. It is a very pure sort of love in which there are no boundaries to love. Telepathy is known in this dimension. Time overlaps, giving the impression that everything is happening at the same time.

* Ascension of conciousness involves :

(Service to others, Purpose based, High Frequency, Abundance, Unconditional Sharing, effortless, Universal knowledge, aligning with the divine, authenticity )

As your soul sought answers, your ascension process began. Your Higher Self is well aware of this, and it is their responsibility to reveal it at the time when you are ready to have your Twin Flame experience and accomplish the ascension process. The Twin Flame experience is something that not everyone has chosen to have in this lifetime.

In this lifetime, not all twin flames are destined to meet. This all depends on your original soul contract and what you both agreed to learn and grow on a soul level.

Our emotional wounds are best provoked by our twin flame. This is because they are a part of us, and we are a part of them. Do not confuse this as being triggered, Twin flame triggers only lead you to a higher understanding of the connection.

They experience similar wound patterns, and that they are our mirrors, revealing us what we require to heal. Ultimately, twin flame connections assist each person to heal through any difficulty. You’ll probably have a lot of soul mates. Soul mates are about completing each other. This is in line with the idea that with every expansion, some level of tension is to be expected, but then there’s only just one twin flame.

NOT EVERYONE FINDS THEIR TWIN FLAME, BUT IF YOU DO, IT HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE A TOTALLY LIFE-CHANGING KIND OF LOVE.

( If you are reunited, your relationship has the potential to be once-in-a-lifetime. Nothing will ever be the same. )

( Image source link : https://dakotaearthcloud.com/product/marriage-sacred-masculine-divine-feminine/ )

The Divine Masculine counterpart is usually the one who awakens her (Kundalini activation). This can happen when two people communicate and are physically close to each other.

The Divine Feminine, triggers awakening in the DM, in a slightly different way and usually over a period of time. They intensify the divine masculine to connect to the Earth, nature, and the divine.

When your twin flames connect, they forge a connection that both grounds you to the Earth and to nature, as well as opens you up to higher beings and spiritual worlds.

( Image source: https://shop.cosm.org/products/oversoul-poster )

The divine masculine and divine feminine, are both represented in twin flames. Both masculine and feminine energy exist in everyone of us. These energies have a significant impact on how we present ourselves in the world and in our interactions. Work, social expectations, trauma, past relationships, and other factors can lead this energy to be misaligned with our inherent nature, resulting in unnecessary tension, distance, and isolation. In addition, there is still a Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine polarity in same-sex couples.

Masculine qualities: Logic, Reason, Action, Firm, Survival, Loyal, Adventurous, Rational, Strength ( Highlight: analytical, competitive, and logical. )

Feminine qualities: Intuition, Nurturing, Healing, Gentle, Expressive, Wise, ,Patient, Emotional, Flexible ( Highlight: connection, emotions and flow. )

After the honeymoon stage, "you or your partner will be the one discovering unlikable characteristics, which will trigger anxiety, potentially causing the relationship to fall apart. This resemblance to a mirror is partly responsible for many of the dramas you’ll possibly experience with your twin lover. "Anything we’ve spent our lives ignoring or rejecting is suddenly in front of us," As you get to know each other, you may discover that you share the same traits about your upbringing, including being abandoned, or that you attended many of the same places at the same time.

About two years ago, number synchronicity started appearing for me before I met my twin flame, but I do not know what they are or what they imply. Then, for a week or two, this woman caught my attention because of an interesting event. Our meeting provoked my Dark Night of the Soul, which started the beginning of my (true) awakening journey, although I was in my pre-awakening stage when we met. After meeting her, (my twin flame ) I felt shivers down my spine. It’s bizarre on a cellular level. It’s as though I’ve known her throughout my whole life.

I felt a tremendous connection with her. I’d never really had anybody else before, in ways that I still can’t entirely verbalize.

I instantly recognized her as my wife when I met her, because I could hear those voices inside my head insisting that she was my wife in a previous life and will continue to be in the future. To be honest, I felt an immediate sense of peace; it felt as if I was her home. When my twin flame enters my life, I experience an immediate sense of relief, without knowing why.

The best part about having this kind of connection is having a home with somebody who embraces you for who you are on the inside and allows you to be entirely yourself. Everything clicks, whether you’ve been wearing make-up or just haven’t showered in days, and you couldn’t imagine having it with anyone else in your life like you do with your twin flame.

With my twin flame, her strengths are my weaknesses. We both help each other maintain a sense of equilibrium in our lives. They’re the sweet to my spice, the black to my white, and the yang to my yin. We are mirrors of the same and reflect each other's light or darkness, and this is why, at times, it becomes so difficult. The connection seems to match into my life, and you know it is genuine. It is the most beautiful and magical experience, and by far the greatest gift I could ever receive.

If you’re like most individuals, you’ve spent a significant amount of time praying and hoping for a meaningful relationship to appear in your life. You may not realize immediately that the person is your twin flame, but as soon as you do, you’ll stop seeking unrelated friendships and romances.

You know it’s important when your twin flame emerges. Now that they’re in your life, you feel like the wait is over.

When she’s with me, she makes my world feel bigger. When my twin flame and I are together, life opens up in various ways.

Whatever it may be, this mutual encouragement inspires you to expand your horizons by challenging what you previously believed to be impossible. We may have doubted our ability to achieve our dreams in the past, but today you know you can achieve what you’ve set your mind to. Perhaps because the twin flame energy has pushed us to it.

Once you know your twin flame has your back, you can move forward with confidence and they’ll know they have your support with everything. You can strengthen yourself emotionally and spiritually. They’ll improve as a person in perfect sync with your personal growth. You balance each other. You also help them stay aware of the world. They change as you do. They are, in many ways, your other half.

Your twin flame is the male or female version of yourself.

- End

❤️

All the Love - L

#twinflame #journey #runner #chaser #soulmate #twinflamejourney #love #selfcare #love quotes

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geminispiritnb · 3 years

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I am so sad about Dean Winchester and the way his story ended. I stopped watching the show years ago at the end of season 8 when in my eyes the quality of the show went downhill. I stopped following spn blogs and hadn't cared about this show or this character in years. But finding out about his fate a few weeks ago suddenly made all my old emotions for him come back and slap me in the face. And I was hit with this deep sadness for him. I keep telling myself this is just a fictional character from a silly tv show I used to watch…that it shouldn't matter or hurt this much. But I can't help it. I mean after all his hard work and after everything he went through, after all his struggle with self-doubt, self-esteem and depression, he deserved to have a happy ending. or a semi-happy ending. or a bitter-sweet ending. or an open ending. Anything but THIS!

And it's not just that him being in pain and trauma all his life demanded a happy resolution. He had so much life and so much heart and so much fight in him too. Yes, there were times things became too much, but more often than not, he would get back up and keep fighting and trying no matter how broken or tired he was. A true force of nature. He was full of passion for many things and found joy in the little things too. To see that light and that life force be extinguished was devastating.

Dean was a fighter and a survivor. The man survived a year in Purgatory alone. You can't fight like Dean if you have no will to survive. Just because depression or suicidal thoughts can take over in the moments of helplessness doesn’t mean that you want or deserve to die. For the show and some fans to imply that death was the right ending for Dean because he always expected it or because he was exhausted...that is some evil, toxic, abusive logic right out of dystopian nightmares. It's sickening. Also, why not look at all the times that he had expressed his desire to stay alive? or at the time he said he wanted to experience new things and feelings? How about all the times that he was the one who never gave up and encouraged Sam and the others to do the same? or when he said that his peace was helping people, that he believed their saving people and hunting things made the world a better place? All those indicate hope and a strong will; but now after the unnecessarily vicious, senseless, cruel ending, all of this is getting ignored and a character that was an inspiration and a reminder to keep trying and to beat the odds and to never give up has now been tied to and associated with such nihilism. It makes my heart break.

For a lifetime Dean defied and fought the supernatural entities that wanted to either destroy Earth and humanity or enslave and abuse it; he and his team defeat god himself and finally achieve freedom; but Dean, as the defender of humanity and as the most human character on the show, never gets the chance to live his well-deserved happy and free human life on Earth, and I find that extremely unfair.

Dean's arc should have ended with him finding his true happy place in life, finally recognizing his own worth and person-hood, while leaving some sort of legacy around as one of the best hunters out there.

I am so sorry Dean. You deserved so much better.

#Dean Winchester #they even didn't let his death be heroic #just stabbed him in his beautiful heart and banished him to a boring heaven #Dean Winchester deserved better #Supernatural #spn #text #op

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fluffmonger · 4 years

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The Pelor Theory

Or, I’ve spent way to much time overanalysing this, but have this anyways.

So, it’s here at last, Caleb’s big arc, or at least the beginnings of it, and oh man am I stoked. Caleb has had these loose ends dangling for a long time now and Liam has continually been dropping little hints as to the Big Secrets, always very cryptic. Now, this might seem a bit out of left field, but given things like the Moon Theory, hey! Might as well go wild yeah?

Imo, one of the biggest loose ends and mysteries we’ve got regarding Caleb right now is his time in Vergesson Sanitorium, and especially who was the woman who healed him? Why did she do so? So… my theory.

Let’s start at the beginning. Why was Caleb even sent to Vergesson? In his words, “I broke a bit.” He claims he doesn’t remember much of his time there, that it's all kind of a blur for him, except for the woman who healed him. (This is important, we’ll come back to it). It's very clear from everything said in 18, and then expanded on in 49 and further about his scars and Trent’s goals that Caleb was abused and heavily traumatised. That alone, on top of the guilt and stress of hearing his parents dying screams would be enough to break a man.

However, I don’t think it’s as simple as that alone. (continuing under the cut for length)

Trent has placed false memories into the heads of many of his students, brilliant students who from a mechanical standpoint, we can assume have pretty good stats. Beyond that, none of them seem to have realised at the time that their minds were played with magically. Most spells of that nature tend to leave a target aware to a degree if the deviation is too sharp from normal. However, Trent is likely an Enchantment wizard, who specialises in mind fuckery via magical means, using the 14th level feature Alter Memories, which allows an Enchanter to charm people without the noticing or remembering that they were ever charmed (it's utterly terrifying y’all, super abusable).

A very common and powerful spell, that Matt has absolutely used before, is Feeblemind. We know Lady Briarwood had the spell, and used it in her first appearance. We know she was part of the assembly, once long ago before being kicked out. So it's not improbable that Trent also has access to it, and would make use of it. Feeblemind, in short, reduces a creature's intelligence and charisma scores to 1, and prevents them from casting spells, using magic items or even communicating. It is only possible to try to save against it every 30 days, and vs an Archmage’s spell save, with a modifier that low there's no way to get out of it outside of magical intervention.

So where does this leave us?

Caleb broke, after suffering through severe abuse and being manipulated into killing his parents

Caleb, despite having a Keen Mind, cannot remember his time in Vergesson, except in flashes and fuzzy moments

Caleb was very likely subjected to Feeblemind, which he’d only be able to escape via magical means.

Which brings us to the woman. Caleb says that she arrived some years after he broke, and was another patient. She laid her hands on him, and not only was the worst of his mental illness lifted, but his memories were restored to their original state, before Trent altered them. When looking at spells that can remove a Modify Memory and a Feeblemind, the only two that fit the criteria are Wish and Greater Restoration. Wish is a super rare high level spell. It’s unlikely that someone would use it on Caleb, a lost and broken former Volstrucker, even if there's stuff we don't know. If it was a wish spell, that opens up some very intriguing possibilities, however I am not willing to put money on it. However, Greater Restoration is only a 5th level spell. It is available to bards, clerics, druids, certain classes of warlock, and artificers. Of these, I think it's most likely that a cleric is the one who healed Caleb. Why?

Well….

We know Caleb grew up in Blumenthal. Blumenthal is a small farming town outside of Rexxentrum. Its most notable feature is a giant statue of Pelor, the Dawnfather. Liam has stated outright that Caleb, Astrid, and Eadwulf all “walked in the light of the Dawnfather” as children, in his Narrative Telephone story, which he confirmed to be a metaphor for Caleb’s childhood and school years. We know his father was in the military, a low ranking soldier of some sort, and the Dwenadalian Empire honours Pelor as a God of War, and he’s the patron of the Righteous Brand. We know Trent pushed the idea of “Empire Over All,” Caleb stresses this aspect very hard, but we also know that he doesn't believe in anything anymore, when questioned about his feelings re: his training in ep 49.

Pelor is a god of light, previously mostly shown as the patron of Whitestone in CR 1, which makes sense given Whitestone was founded by displaced Dwendalians long ago. He hasn't played much role in CR 2 as of yet, however, the final fight with Obann takes place in his cathedral in Rexxentrum. One of his major symbols is that of a burning brand or brazier that takes the place of his head in depictions.

We have every reason to believe that, as a child, Caleb likely worshipped Pelor to some degree. Additionally, his given name, Bren, means “to burn” in german. Liam has said there's a deeper meaning behind it, however. In the artbook, there's a curious diagram that says “Brennan”. It is set up almost the way we see certain spell circles set up, and within are Roman numerals for 8, 13, and 17. 13 is the age Caleb was when he went to Solystryce. 17 is the age at which he killed his parents. 8 would be a likely age for beginning to show magical potential. I'm still not entirely sure what's happening with that, however, Brennen as a name has several potential sources. In old Gaelic, it can be traced to names meaning sorrow or tears or raindrop/drops. In old english it can be traced to a word meaning Burning Hands, which keeps the fire theme and is very interesting indeed.

Back to the point at hand…. Caleb likely has associations in the past with Pelor, though now he doesn't believe in or worship the gods or the Empire (and in the empire, the gods are but an extension of Empire, really) and there is a deep secret behind his name, and there is more he isn't telling us. What reasons does trent have for keeping him locked in Vergesson when he was already broken and useless? Who would go in just to save a broken man? What is Caleb not saying? I posit that Caleb, Bren really, has some deeper connection to Pelor, which he may not be aware of entirely. There is something about Caleb worth saving. Perhaps he was born on an auspicious day, or with a certain connection in place? Whatever it is, he is important enough, that a cleric of Pelor faked madness or revolutionary sentiment long enough to get into Vergesson themselves as a patient, and then used Greater Restoration on Caleb at least once, but possibly twice, and then faked madness as part of their cover. They are most likely not dead and may or may not still be in the asylum. And I absolutely think we’re going to start seeing these connections pop up as we move back into Caleb's arc, and exploration of the depths of Cerberus.

So tldr, I guess?

Caleb was magically affected by Modify Memory and Feeblemind, and his own mix of neurodivergence and trauma

Caleb was placed in Vergesson after breaking/being controlled in order to be monitored and possibly experimented on to some end of Trent’s

Caleb was later healed by someone who found him, likely using Greater Restoration, which cured him of the magical interference.

This person could have been many classes, but the most common and easiest to see fit into the Empire would be a cleric

This cleric likely served Pelor, and healed Caleb specifically due to Caleb having a connection to Pelor

The nature of this connection is mysterious, but absolutely important, and will play a role in this upcoming arc, if I’m right here.

#caleb widogast #bren aldric ermendrud #trent ikithon #pelor #the dawnfather #dwendalian empire #cr meta #cr theory #critical role #critical role theory #critical role meta #critical role spoilers #cr spoilers #the mighty nein #cr2 #cerberus assembly #this may be a bit of a reach but im personally into it #also i know i project re caleb and religion but hey

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eye-cri · 3 years

Note

Past 1-4, Present 2-5, and future 6-10

For Adi

❤

PΛƧƬ

1. Briefly describe the way their parents grew up and how it affected how they raised your oc

Reminder that Aidma was born out of her father's magic combined with his DNA so she only has one biological parent

Part one- Zenri grew up the way a regular royal would grow up. His father was cold to him and his siblings. His mother was always fawning over him and his siblings. He never cared for his family ever since he was a kid though. Nothing happened to make him that way he was just always cold and distant.

Part two- Nothing about how he was raised affected what he did.

2. Which social class did your oc belong to growing up? How did it affect them?

New born - 3 years old- Royalty. She doesn't remember these years and says that's a good thing

3 years old - 10 years old- A regular citizen of the Zenri period. These years hold the origins of her traumas.

10 years old - 18 years old- Royalty. While to this day she is still healing, these years were the start and the toughest of her healing years. She's really thankful for all the kindness, support and materials given to her in this time.

3. Describe their family. Who raised your oc, and who had the most impact on them? Did they have any siblings? Who were they closest to? What were their family dynamics like?

Part one- Aidma in her childhood was raised with Amalie and a few years before the war ended, Iasona. She only found out of the rest of siblings when she was an adult, but regardless took them in and raised them with Amalie and Iasona.

Part two- Tanya, the queen of Atroa and former best friend of Zenri took Aidma and Amalie when Adi was born, and took them in again this time with Iasona after the war.

Part three- Aidma was closest to Leyna, one of Tanya's daughters. Leyna arguably had the most impact on her but Tanya and Gabriel (Tanya's husband) gave her some advice that she still has in mind to this day.

Part four- With her biological siblings, the family dynamics are very playful. With her 'adoptive family it's more of a learning from each other. Not to say her siblings and her don't learn from each other bc they do, but overall they're more playful.

4. What was the most common argument btw your oc and who ever raised them?

Answer- They really didn't argue much, mostly because they just didn't have the time to but they did argue a lot over what Aidma would do once she was an adult.

PЯΣƧΣПƬ

2. What is their current occupation? How did they end up there? Do they enjoy it?

Part one- Queen of Parina. Technically she does some assassin work here and there but she doesn't get paid for it and, she's only killing Zenri's hard followers/allies.

Part two- Aidma killed Zenri and Tanya could only handle ruling Atroa AND Parina for so long. So she ran away from Gedonelune and her life there (taking her siblings with her ofc) to finally take the Parinian crown.

Part three- It's a very laboring job that needs all of her attention (thus why she had to leave without a word to Zeus) but she knows it's worth it.

3. Do they belong to any fractions or groups? Why and how did they join? How do they feel about it?

Part one- A few kinda. Her circle of noble friends and her Gedonelune friend circle.

Part two- Leyna made her join the noble circle. The Gedonelune circle is just the friends she made (usually introduced by Zeus) and continued to have a connection with.

Part three- She likes both of them. She does wish she could see them both more often but work is work.

4. Do they have any enemy fractions or groups? How do they feel about it?

Answer- yeah in a way. Zenri's followers. She hates them back just as much and like I said before, if they dare step out of line and physically hurt someone in a way she will rid of them.

5. What kind of people do they usually interact with? Who are their friends, the people they look up to/trust, and their "associates"?

Part one- Since she is the ruler of a whole country, she mostly interacts with politicians, nobles and ect. Those go under the category of her associates too.

Part two- Her friends include some nobles and some old friends (i think this is more explained in Present: question 3.)

Part three- She still looks up to those that she did in Gedonelune, but her respect for Tanya and Leyna recently have been brought to the same level. (Though, she has a hard time admitting that for Tanya.) She places her trust the most still in Najlynn, that'll never change.

FЦƬЦЯΣ

6. How do they react to the changing times? Are they adaptable or do they reject humanity modernity?

Answer- She's the one who brought the majority of modernity to Parina but as long as the modern culture isn't harmful, she does approve of the changes.

7. Are their friends still apart of their life? Are there people they are no longer in touch with, or newly important people?

Answer- yes of course there are some lost friendships, but thanks to Zeus, she's managed to be in contact with the most important ones. And yes there are some new friends but they don't compare to her old friends.

8. Would they become a mentor figure to anyone?

Awnser- yep! A select few but the main pupil she has is her one of her daughters who decided that she wanted to be the next ruler of Parina. (Aidma didn't want to force any of her children to take the crown, so she let them take time to decide who would be the best, and happiest for the crown.)

9. How do they feel about getting older and eventually dying?

Awnser- (Aidma POV) In all honesty, when I was younger I couldn't care less about dying. I really didn't have much to live for but..... as life went on I met people, and especially a certain someone who truly made me realize that there's stuff to live for. I now have things to do and things I want to do but even when those are all completed, I want to stay with the people I love until I get old. Of course I know death will eventually take me away but I pray I can achieve my wildest dreams, to peaceful comforts by then.

10. How do they want to be remembered after they die?

Awnser- (Aidma POV) I want people to remember that I'm the one who brought peace and prosperity back to Parina. I'm the one who recovered Parina's image of cultural diversity and strength back. I want people to remember that no matter how meek the future may seems, there will always be hope, and I was living proof.

#oc ask #oc ask game #Aidma Mirde Khavita #Adima Mirde

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shannen-writes · 4 years

Text

Ranking the Halliwell sisters from least to most favourite

Charmed is one of my all time favourite shows and the sisters 4 of my favourite characters. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Paige are so complex and dynamic. They’re written as real women that are flawed and relatable and that’s why the show continues to have so many loyal fans to this day. Since I’ve grown up watching the show, my ranking of the sisters has changed a lot over the years. As I’ve gone through various stages of my life I’ve related to different aspects of the sisters’ lives and personalities, and even today I’m constantly finding a new appreciation and admiration for the sisters. However, my ranking has stayed pretty much the same now for the last few years, so I wanted to share it with you all. So without further ado here is my ranking of the Halliwell sisters starting with my least favourite and ending with my most favourite.

Warning: There’s no hate featured in this post towards any of the sisters, but it is a critical analysis, so be warned that you may dislike some parts, particularly if you’re deeply attached to any of the characters.

4. Piper

I love Piper’s strength and compassion. Her transformation into the Goddness of Earth in Oh My Goddess perfectly embodied Piper’s character for me; how down to earth she was and how her power came from her motherhood and care-giving spirit. In the early seasons, Piper was driven by a desire to please others and was conflict adverse. I deeply related to Piper as someone that struggled to be heard and to strike a balance between her desire to avoid conflict and being assertive, which we saw in Coyote Piper. Piper knew what she wanted but didn’t always know how to get it. Piper’s place as the middle sister in seasons 1-3 was a defining aspect of her character and shaped her passive nature in the early seasons. She was the mediator between Prue and Phoebe, and this meant that she was often more open-minded and less stubborn than her sisters. She was able to see both sides of a story and approach situations with empathy and understanding. Piper felt stifled by the big, bold personalities of her sisters and compared herself to them. She felt that she wasn’t as brave, pretty, charismatic, smart, powerful or talented as Prue and Phoebe; that she was ordinary. This lack of confidence she had in herself and her abilities led her to subconsciously become passive in a lot of situations and to also resent her powers throughout the series. Her ordinary-ness made her feel like she belonged in an ordinary world and therefore, she struggled to accept her magic and the extraordinary-ness that went with it.

However, Piper developed over the series and changed a lot. Her love life was a significant aspect of her development. In seasons 1 and 2, Leo and Dan choosing Piper over her sisters boosted Piper’s confidence and made her realise that she wasn’t inferior to her sisters. Whilst she was generally passive in seasons 1 and 2, when she finally made the choice to be with Leo, it was the first step of her finding her true voice and not being afraid to use it. Despite it being a forbidden love, she loved Leo so much that she believed he was worth fighting for. Losing him at the start of season 3, altered her passive nature signficantly. She became angry and bitter and was determined to fight for the man she loved. Piper reacted to this loss in a much different way than she would’ve in season 1, and even after getting Leo back, she was forever changed by it. It was a turning point for her through which she learned that being a nice, good little girl and playing by the rules didn’t always bring rewards. Generally, Piper’s relationship with Leo also helped Piper to become more determined and confident. Leo had a deep understanding of Piper and knew how to support and nurture her so that she continued to grow in confidence and see her strengths.

After season 3, Piper went through a string of life-changing events which took her character down an entirely new path. She lost Prue, became the eldest sister, lost Phoebe to evil, became a mother and lost Leo (again!). These 5 events impacted Piper’s character significantly transforming her from the Piper of seasons 1-3 into a very different Piper. Whilst the core of Piper’s character remained, the trauma associated with these events and the huge changes she underwent led her to become more hardened, cynical, untrusting, callous and bitter. Her perception of the world and of right and wrong became much more black and white, she became more stubborn, less sensitive and more determined. Her passiveness with traded for assertiveness, her aversion to conflict for combativeness, her lack of confidence for arrogance, her open-mindedness for closed-mindedness and her apparent lack of power to ultimate power.

Piper is a brilliant character with organic and authentic development. The trauma she endured was marked by the signifiant changes in her character and personality in the later seasons, but the core of her character was maintained no matter how much she changed. The reason Piper is at the bottom of this ranking is because I have a few small issues with her character. Firstly, I feel like she was sometimes pushed too much into Prue territory. As the eldest sister, the writers forced Piper to adopt similar characteristics to Prue and it didn’t always fit. It was to be expected that she’d change, and that her insecurity about her ability to take on the role as the eldest sister would lead her to behave more like Prue. But ultimately, Piper was her own person and there was a way for her to become the eldest sister without becoming Prue 2.0. Secondly, Piper’s character was over-shadowed by Leo, Wyatt and Chris. Whilst I liked her relationship with Leo and appreciated the exploration of motherhood that we got in seasons 4-8, it sometimes stifled Piper’s character and the focus on Leo, Wyatt and Chris forced Piper to be a supporting character in her own story. Thirdly, her arc in the later seasons became repetitive with the same issues with parenting, Leo and her desire to “be normal” arising time and time again, despite them having already been resolved in previous episodes and seasons. Finally, certain traits were amplified at her detriment. I’m as much a fan of Piper’s sarcasm and wit as anybody, but after a while it became spiteful and mean. Repeatedly blowing up Leo, telling Billie she’d vanquish her and straight up disrespecting the Elders because she wasn’t “not a fan” of their rules are just few examples that come to mind.

Overall, I love Piper and appreciate how much she developed across the series, but I love the other sisters so much, that these few issues that I have with her character are enough to place her at the bottom of my ranking. I think that serves as a testament to how much love I have for the Halliwell sisters!

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3. Phoebe

I absolutely adore Phoebe and the amount of hate that she seems to get from the fandom feels like such a huge injustice to the incredible woman that she is. I love Phoebe’s passionate, free-spirit; the way she wore her heart on her sleeve, was always true to herself, fiercely loyal, devoted and passionate. She had a wild side, but was also deeply grounded and I believe, was the heart of the show (despite Piper being commonly regarded as such). Of all the sisters she undoubtedly underwent the most growth and Phoebe’s story was by far the most inspiring to me. She faced a lot of judgement and doubt in the early seasons (particularly from Prue), but she never let that dampen her spirit. She found the courage and strength to go back to college and find her path in life, she lost herself to one of the darkest loves that existed and found a way back from it and generally endured a lot of trauma, but somehow always found the strength to go on. What’s even more incredible about that, is that she always maintained her core self. Even when she was at her lowest, she had a strong sense of who she was and was true to herself. That’s not to say that she didn’t change because she did, but considering how dark a path she trod at certain points in the series, the fact that she remained the optimistic, big-hearted and compassionate soul that she’d always been was a huge testament to her character.

It’d be impossible to talk about Phoebe without touching upon her relationship with Cole and her arc in seasons 3-5. Falling in love with Cole was a huge turning point for Phoebe’s character, and over the years I’ve repeatedly seen her get slammed for it by fans. However, Phoebe’s relationship with Cole encompassed everything that Phoebe was and made sense for her character. It showed her recklessness, impulsivity and naivety when it came to love, but also allowed her to develop a maturity and fresh perspective that she perhaps wouldn’t have if she hadn’t met Cole. She threw herself unreservedly into her relationship with Cole because Phoebe was a romantic and she believed wholeheartedly in love. The relationship was far from perfect; Phoebe developed blinkers and was often too wrapped in Cole at the detriment of other aspects of her life, but the relationship was pivotal for Phoebe. As the youngest sister, she started the series as much more naive and immature than her sisters, but her relationship with Cole and the life experience it gave her set her on a new path. She learned to guard her heart and be more cautious when it came to love, she also took the time after her break-up with Cole to focus on herself and her career and to find new loves that weren’t necessarily romantic. Her job as an advice columnist allowed her to find an outlet and expression for her love of love by helping others to find love. And despite the hurt she endured at Cole’s hands, she never truly gave up on finding love herself and her pursuit of love remained at the center of Phoebe’s arc throughout the series. This is why Coop being Phoebe’s final love interest made so much sense - they were both driven by finding love, whether for themselves or others.

In addition to her pursuit of love, a desire for a family and children was also central to Phoebe’s arc, particularly in the later seasons. On a personal level, I disliked this development because I couldn’t relate to it as someone that doesn’t want to marry or have children. However, appreciate that for Phoebe it made sense. From the start of the series, she was depicted as someone that was good with children and had a maternal instinct, which we saw in episodes such as Reckless Abandon and Awakened. Furthermore, the loss of her child at the end of season 4 undoubtedly left behind a pain that was the catalyst for Phoebe’s fixation on having children in the later seasons. In season 5, we saw her fawn over Wyatt and act as a motherly figure, which was likely a projection of her grief from the loss of her own child. After seeing a premonition of her future child, Phoebe became obsessed with finding the father of her future child to ensure her child would be born. I strongly disliked this arc, but it was understandable given the fact that Phoebe had lost a child previously. Just as Piper went on a journey to becoming a mother in seasons 4 and 5, Phoebe went on her own journey. It wasn’t a well-written or developed journey, but a journey nonetheless, and I appreciated it as part of Phoebe’s story.

The reason Phoebe is only third in this ranking, is because as much as I can objectively appreciate her arc and development, I didn’t like it and I think that it was an injustice to the incredible things that could’ve been done with her character. Many would claim that Cole destroyed Phoebe, and I disagree with that, because it’s much more complex. It’s an oxymoron of sorts; the relationship developed her growth but also hindered it. Whilst the experiences she had provided her with perspective and wisdom, Phoebe’s inability to deal with the aftermath of the events in season 4 hindered her from truly moving forward from Cole or the trauma of becoming Queen of the Underworld and her miscarriage. Phoebe never faced up to what had happened or tried to get closure, choosing instead to runaway, as we saw in A Witch’s Tail. This meant that her relationship with Cole in season 5 became even more dysfunctional and added further to her existing trauma from season 4. Outwardly, during this time Phoebe was building herself back up and developing her career, but ultimately, Cole was always hanging over her head and by the time it was finished with she was exhausted and just wanted to shut it away and pretend it never happened. This is understandable, but as I said at the start of this paragraph, it prevented her from healing. Consequently, every part of Phoebe’s journey post season 5 was still dictated by her history with Cole. In seasons 6-8 everything Phoebe went into became an obsession - whether it was finding love, her romantic relationships, having children or her career - and those obsessions can all be explained by her experiences in season 4 and 5.

Overall, Phoebe’s external development was more significant than her internal development. Externally, her development across the seasons was the most tangible - she started the series as an unemployed “wild child” with only a bicycle and backpack of clothes and ended with a highly successful career, loving partner and the family that she longed for. However, internally, she never truly developed because of the poor way the aftermath of her relationship with Cole was handled in season 5. Despite this, I appreciated that as a modern woman, Phoebe was portrayed as wanting a husband and children whilst still being a powerful, independent woman with a successful career. I also love Phoebe for who she was as a person. I love her vibrancy, charisma, passion and energy. She was a colourful character and anybody that met her couldn’t do anything but adore her.

____________

2. Paige

What I love most about Paige is that she feels like the most unique of the sisters, which was most likely because she was adopted and wasn’t raised with the other sisters. Paige was so quirky, individual, stylish, independent, witty, intelligent, talented, driven and conscientious. I’ve always felt that out of all the sisters she’s the most underrated and was given less opportunity to shine throughout the series. Paige underwent genuine growth that’s understated but beautiful. Every flaw or issue that Paige had was explored, addressed and resolved. Some examples of her growth include:

Her fear of magic and reluctance to become a witch transformed into a genuine passion and flair for witchcraft which she perceived to be a blessing

Her resistance to her biological family members (e.g. Penny and Sam) because she felt it was a betrayal to her adopted family eventually softened to give way to open-mindedness and acceptance

Her denial of her whitelighter half grew to become her greatest calling and a core part of her identity and heritage which she took pride in

Her struggle to fit into the Halliwell clan ended with her becoming an integral part of the family and the reason that they were able to survive after Prue’s death

Paige consistently confronted her issues head on and grew as a consequence. She embraced every aspect of herself, her life and her past, and saw them as opportunities to grow. This quote from Paige in Sam I Am (which is one of my favourites), really shows this:

“When you gave me up, you made a choice that gave me the most amazing gift. See, I got to have these tremendous parents and we loved each other fiercely. And now I have this whole new life with my sisters. I choose to be a witch. I could’ve walked away but I didn’t. And now I’m a Whitelighter to boot.”

In comparison to the other sisters, I found the nuances of Paige’s character so interesting. When she was introduced in season 4 there was so much to learn about her, and episodes like A Paige from the Past showed how much potential Paige had in those early days. She brought a fresh perspective and dynamic to the show which stemmed from the fact that she was raised in a completely different environment from her sisters. She wasn’t afraid to challenge the sisters pre-conceived notions or to propose new ways of doing things - a Haiku spell is one of many instances that show Paige’s innovative mind and creative flair - and strongly believed in her ideas and judgement. She was self-assured and confident in a way that enabled her to be efficient and which motivated her in everything that she did. Despite her differences from the sisters that stemmed from being raised with the Matthews, she still had incredible instincts as a witch and had an innate Halliwell-ness which solidified her as a Charmed One. This too added to the nuances of Paige’s character because she was always straddling a duality - Halliwell and Matthews, witch and whitelighter. At various points throughout the series she felt like she had to choose between these aspects of her personality and commit to just one - Halliwell or Matthews; witch or whitelighter - but over time, she realised that this duality was part of her and was a blessing rather than a curse.

All of the sisters were dedicated, but Paige stood out to me as always being wholly dedicated to everything she did. She didn’t always know her path but whatever she tried, she threw herself into completely. Her dedication to her witchcraft, in particular, was inspiring. Paige went further than any of the other sisters (except Prue) in perfecting her craft and trying to be the best witch she could possibly be. She studied the craft, wrote new spells, practised perfecting spells that she couldn’t do (e.g. the conjuring spell), devoted herself to innocents and took her role as a witch very serious. Paige was resistant to her magic in the first few episodes of season 4, but fully embraced it later on. She was the only sister that genuinely loved being a witch consistently. Even when things got tough, she never wished away her powers, because she found purpose and joy in them. Perhaps this stemmed from the fact that Paige had a more challenging life than the sisters. Although Prue, Piper and Phoebe weren’t raised by their parents, they had a strong parental figure in Grams into their 20s and always had each other. In comparison, Paige lost her parents when she was still a teenager and seemed to have nobody else to support her. She also blamed herself for her parents death, which means that emotionally she was not only dealing with grief and loneliness when they died but also blame, regret and self-loathing. I believe that this is why Paige viewed her magic as a gift rather than a burden, and why she continued to flourish as a witch throughout the seasons.

Paige’s arc and development, overall, was not necessarily the best of the sisters, but in terms of her development in particular episodes or seasons, it was brilliant. Her centric episodes are some of my favourites from the series - A Knight to Remember, A Paige from the Past, Sam I Am and Centennial Charmed - and each execute fantastic plots and character development for Paige. Her arc in season 5 was incredible. In my opinion, there is no other character arc across the eight seasons that was executed as well as this one. Giving up her job and devoting herself to being a full-time witch was the beginning of a new chapter of her journey. Not only did she grow as a witch in her abilities, skills and instincts, but she solidified herself within the Halliwell fold and showed how integral she was, particularly in Centennial Charmed and Y Tu Mummy Tabien. She supported her sisters - Piper in becoming a mother and Phoebe in her separation from Cole - and various aspects of her character were explored such as her inferiority complex with Prue, her relationship with Sam, her whitelighter half, her difficulty in overcoming her natural independence to work together with her sisters and finding her place in the world. Season 5 did an excellent job at building on what we’d learned about Paige in season 4 whilst also developing her organically. She was the new sister in season 4, but in season 5 it felt like it’d be impossible to imagine Charmed without her.

Despite this great development Paige underwent in seasons 4 and 5, she was unfortunate enough that half of her time on the show was during the weakest seasons, and she suffered for that. After season 5 there was no further exploration of her past which massively disappointed me (I’ll still never get over the fact that in Charmed Again she mentioned that she had a problem with alcoholism that was never explored), and she got trapped in a cycle of the same arcs. Whilst Piper got stuck with “I want a normal life” arc and Phoebe got stuck with the “I want to find love” arc, Paige got stuck with the “I don’t know what to do with my life” arc. In season 6, it made sense that she’d resort to working temp jobs. After having spent season 5 as a full-time witch, she realised that she needed more in her life and temp jobs were a way for her to explore that and get a variety of experiences outside of magic. However, it seemed that Paige didn’t ever break out of that cycle and continued stumbling through life trying to find the right path. She was thrust into Magic School, which wasn’t particularly the best choice for her character and then her whitelighter arc was haphazardly thrown in towards the end of the series. It always frustrated me, because Paige dedicating more of her time to being a whitelighter made perfect sense for her character, but it wasn’t developed properly and felt like a disservice to her. I also felt that Paige had already found a great career in season 4 as a social worker, so it didn’t make sense to me that she never returned to that. Furthermore, I didn’t like how Paige’s journey ended in season 8 with her being married and having children. Paige was great with kids - we saw proof of this with Wyatt and Chris - but having kids was something that Paige never particularly wanted from her life. She was the one sister that didn’t express any desire to have children and didn’t seem particularly maternal. Also on a personal level, it would’ve been nice if at least one of the sisters’ happy ending hadn’t been the usual cliche of being married with kids. That aside, it didn’t necessarily feel true to Paige’s character for her to be a mother. I felt that she would’ve been contented to be married to Henry, dedicated to her duties as a witch and whitelighter and babysitting her nieces and nephews as their cool Aunt Paige.

Although I don’t like the way Paige’s story ended and feel that her character was let down, I still think she’s an incredible character that underwent immense growth. Despite being the sister that got the least amount of focus throughout the series, she always stood out to me in terms of her characterisation and development. It was so strong in seasons 4 and 5 that it’s almost irrelevant that I dislike the path she went down in seasons 6-8. Her season 5 arc alone is enough to give her the second spot in this ranking. But the reason I love Paige is so much more than that. I relate to her in terms of her independence, search for purpose in her life and desire to help others, and I admire her dedication and motivation in everything she did. Paige is the sort of character that I not only relate to, but also find inspirational.

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1. Prue

Now we come to my favourite sister (and one of my favourite characters of all time period): Prue Halliwell. Anybody that follows my main will know that I’m in love with Prue, so it’s going to be hard to analyse her character properly and not just gush about how much I love her. I think Prue is a phenomenal character with a well-executed arc which comes full circle, despite ending prematurely. I love Prue’s strength, determination, confidence, drive, ambition and courage. Her characterisation was consistent and strong throughout seasons 1-3 and she was lucky enough to have lots of great centric episodes which explored her character in-depth. In the pilot I felt that Prue was established as the most unlikeable sister - the older, domineering, bossy, cold, hardened sister that always took charge and berated her younger sisters for their mistakes. That legacy remains today and I still see fans often discussing how much they dislike Prue or how they were glad she died. But Prue was so. much. more. than. that. Every flaw that Prue had was explored to provide a full understanding of why she was the way she was. She was traumatised by the death of her mother (From Fear to Eternity, P3 H2O and Death Takes a Halliwell), had severe abandonment issues because of her father (Thank You for Not Morphing and We All Scream for Ice Cream) and was forced to adopt a parental role as the eldest sister in the absence of her parents. Her seriousness, critical nature and stiff-upper lip mentality all stemmed from this and was not a natural part of who she was, as we saw in Which Prue is it Anyway? and Just Harried. It was what she had to become to deal with her trauma and fulfil the role that was thrust on her shoulders at such a young age. Prue’s journey was about breaking free from that role that she’d become trapped in and discovering her true self outside of being the eldest sister and protector.

In season 1, the nuances of Prue’s character were immediately explored. In Thank You For Not Morphing, her resentment towards Victor for abandoning her and her sisters was explored, and the armour she wore as a protective shield became clear. Prue was naturally guarded because she felt that was what was necessary to protect herself and her sisters. Later on in the season, Prue’s experience with Barbas in From Fear to Eternity tapped into Prue’s trauma about Patty’s death which caused her to emotionally distance herself from her sisters and prevented here from being able to say “I love you”. Throughout season 1, Prue’s strained relationship with Phoebe addressed the aspects of Prue’s personality that could be regarded as unlikeable. Phoebe acted as the direct voice of many viewers, perceiving Prue to be over-bearing, judgemental, critical and rigid. By repeatedly confronting and challenging Prue on her behaviours, certain barriers were broken down and by The Power of Two, Prue and Phoebe’s relationship finally became one of sisters rather than mother and daughter. Her relationship with Andy was the polar of her relationship with Phoebe and showed her more vulnerable side and capacity to love. Although the relationship wasn’t plain sailing, her vulnerability was clear and showed a new side to Prue. Andy’s death at the end of the season was a huge turning point for her character. Losing the man she loved, particularly when she still carried the trauma of Patty’s death, was significant for Prue and once again shattered the stereotype that Prue was cold and unfeeling.

By the time season 2 rolled around, Prue was still reeling from Andy’s death and struggling to continue her duties as a witch, believing that their magic only brought death to their loved ones. It would’ve been easy for Prue to give up, but she found the courage and strength to continue on. Not only that, but she devoted herself heart and soul to being a witch, despite feeling that it was what had killed Andy. This was the season where the lighter, fun side of Prue began to show more. When she decided to quit her job at Bucklands and pursue a career in photography, an entirely new part of Prue’s journey began. Prue decided it was time to let go of her old life - the life she’d been living when she was forced to be the big sister - and live a life for herself. Despite her desire to live more freely and indulge herself more, the core of Prue’s character remained and she was in constant battle between her head and heart (or id and ego, as Just Harried showed). This innate battle between who she felt she should be and who she truly was, was central to Prue’s character. She wanted to let go of the past and the person she had been forced to become after Patty’s death and Victor’s abandonment, but she didn’t know how. Prue had been defined for so long by her role as the eldest sister that she didn’t know who she was outside of that. Some intrinsic part of her also believed that it was her solemn duty to protect Piper and Phoebe, and that to ensure their safety she had to sacrifice her happiness. Prue was essentially trapped in a self-inflicted prison of sorts as a result of her trauma, and seasons 2 and 3 were about her trying to break free from that prison.

One of the things I love most about Prue was her dedication to being a witch. Prue was by far the most devoted and talented witch out of the sisters. Whilst Paige’s inferiority complex towards her wasn’t necessary, it wasn’t unfounded. It made sense for Paige to feel inferior considering how much Prue was able to accomplish as a witch whilst also holding down a full-time job at Bucklands and later launching a new career in photography. Prue was fiercely hard-working and devoted in everything she did, and being a witch was no different. Like Paige, she never questioned being a witch, the exception being when Andy died. Prue didn’t agonise over the reasons why, she accepted being a witch and embraced it. She took her duty to protect the innocent very seriously and never strayed from that core principle. Prue set the precedence for her sisters when it came to being a witch and was committed to ensuring that they never strayed from the correct path. This is why it was very fitting that she died protecting an innocent. It was the only way for Prue to die, since that was her ultimate calling in life, even above her dream to be a photographer or position as the eldest sister.

This doesn’t even cover half of Prue’s development or arcs across the three seasons she was on the show, but to cover it in full would take a lifetime. The overall message here is that Prue’s development was by far the most superior and consistent of all the sisters. Prue had the luxury of having more focus in seasons 1-3 than Piper or Phoebe and this resulted in her being the most fleshed out and complex character, not only in terms of her characterisation and arcs, but also her powers and magical abilities. Although Piper and Phoebe were the longest standing sisters, Prue’s character still out-shines them for the three seasons that she was on the show. Furthermore, whilst I can pick fault with the direction Piper, Phoebe and Paige went in or elements of their story or power development that I disliked, I can’t with Prue. I’m fully onboard with everything that was done with her character and how she was written. She was flawed but every single flaw was justified and understandable, and every aspect of her characterisation was beautifully explored and provided absolute clarity on who Prue was. Even her death, although shocking and sudden, made perfect sense and encompassed the tragedy of Prue’s life, which was that she was always destined to follow in her mother’s footsteps.

“Every single day, I feel like I'm becoming more and more like her and everyday it terrifies me. I mean, don't you guys see it? Look at what happened to her and then look what's happening to me. No successful relationship with guys, being responsible for a family, now because of being this charmed thing, the very real possibility of dying young. It's like history is repeating itself.”

Overall, I love Prue with every fibre of my being. I acknowledge that she was a flawed character, but in regards to her development, I can’t fault it. It was wonderfully written and her characterisation was consistent and authentic. I love Prue because I relate to how she’s emotionally closed and struggles to overcome that, her responsibility as the eldest sister, the abandonment of her father, her struggle to let go and have fun and the way she finds comfort and security in responsibility and sensibleness. Of all the sisters, she’s the one that feels the most real to me. Since I was a little girl, I have been inspired by Prue and have looked up to her. She’s the only sister whose story was never about love - even when she was with Andy - it was always about her journey. I appreciate the ways in which the traumas she endured shaped who she became as an adult, how she struggled to accept that and tried to heal from it to become a better, happier and healthier version of herself. I admire her determination, devotion, courage and absolute fierceness. I also admire how she always strived to protect her family and strived to do better and be better. All in all I love pretty much everything about Prue.

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That concludes my ranking of the Halliwell sisters. I could’ve wrote more about each of the sisters because they’re all such well-written and complex characters, but the purpose of this post was to explore the facets of their characterisation and development that I like and dislike to explain the reasoning for my ranking. In the end, regardless of which sister is ranked first or last, I love each of them and they will forever hold a place in my heart as the first inspirational female role models I saw on TV.

Thank you for reading!

If you enjoyed reading this, I’d love to know how you’d rank the Halliwell sisters and why?

#charmed #prue halliwell #piper halliwell #phoebe halliwell #paige matthews #charmed meta #meta #tv #tv meta #mine #mine: charmed #mine: meta #mine: tv

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carlylala · 5 years

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Okay hello hi lol so I have been wanting to do this for a while ever since I read Taylor’s ELLE article about the lessons she learned before 30 and then tbh, I chickened out because I was scared that I hadn't learned anything lol... but it turns out I have and I still am, so yay to development!! I turn 30 in January and I’m low key nervous but also excited but anywayyyysss here are some of the lessons that I have learned in my 30 years of life and oh boy has it been a wild ride.

1. Allowing your anxiety to sit and be in the background instead of fighting it is one of the most powerful things you can ever do for yourself. I welcome mine in, give it a front-row seat and do my best to fucking prove it wrong.

2. Inner voices were once outer voices so try not to confuse them with your own... your mind doesn't simply decide one day to start beating itself up. Those inner voices were once outer voices, so don't let them control you. The actions of others created those inner voices. It has NOTHING to do with who you are and what you have done in your life.

3. “No” is a full sentence- I’ve learned that my feelings behind saying “no” to something are enough and I don't need to explain my reasoning for it, the only thing you need to add after saying “no” is a full stop or an exclamation mark.

4. Always carry a sneaky tampon... you just never know...

5. Too much coffee is probably really bad for you, but also no coffee at all is really bad, so like it’s a fine line that I’m yet to discover but at least I know it exists.

6. The delete and block buttons on are some of my best friends... do what you need to do to protect yourself!

7. It’s so much easier to clean the shower when you’re actually having a shower.

8. There’s no such thing as eating too much tofu sushi.

9. The ocean can really just make the noise stop, even if it’s just for a moment, it allows you to breathe again.

10. I didn't appreciate the importance of money until I literally had none.

11. Dry shampoo will save your life multiple times.

12. There’s a Taylor Swift song for every single emotion.

13. We have our dreams for a reason and we feel that rush when we think about them coming true for a reason... don’t ever EVER stop chasing what will make you happy or what you want your life to be. You dream about it because it can happen... I promise.. that is why it's in your heart because it’s part of your story.

14. What happens at school and the people we associate ourselves with during those important years, the words people scream at us, and the way we handle those moments can really have a positive or negative impact on the rest of our lives.

15. Cats really do make everything better.

16. Trying to escape from your emotions, sadly does more harm than good... feel what you need to feel and listen to your heart and process, process, process. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you how you need to be or what you need to be feeling. Only you know how you truly feel, so therefore, you call the shots.

17. There’s nothing wrong with walking away from people who hurt you and those who refuse to understand you for who you are.

18. Loving yourself truly for who you are is the strongest and most important love you’ll ever find.

19. Going to therapy has truly changed my life for the better and I believe everyone should go during certain parts of our lives. It should never be seen as a weak thing, it actually shows so much strength.

20. Rewarding yourself when you’ve reached a goal, or made it through a tough time is so important and self-care is something that should be practiced every single day.

21. You’re exactly in the place in your life where you need to be right in this moment. Everything happens for a reason and the more you try to fight with the world around you, the more you’ll fall and create your own negative karma. Trust yourself and trust the path you’re on. Fight to be better and fight for what you deserve, but don’t fight with the timing of your story.

22. Spend time with your parents, you may feel like they don’t understand you a lot of the time, but one day it may be too late to have the dinner they want to cook for you.

23. One play of Shake It Off a day keeps the doctor away.

24. Don’t text and drive.

25. Trauma, assault, abuse and harassment aren’t measured on the label that someone tries to give you about your own situation, It is how you felt at that time and each incident is different. Don’t let others put you in a category. If you felt unsafe or threatened or feared for your physical and mental wellbeing, your feelings are valid no matter what and you have the right to fight for yourself. There is no time limit to deal, come forward and process the incidents that happen to you in your life, after something like this, your body is in fight or flight response and sometimes the full impact doesn't hit you until years later. So, please, be kind to yourself and know that YOU will know when the right time is for you to take the steps you need if you feel like you want to. Your feelings are so valid, and YOU are the most important person in the situation. You don't need to be anything or anyone but yourself, and everybody deals with situations in their lives differently and it is okay to not be okay.

26. Exhaustion and being burnt out are real things and should be taken more seriously.

27. A breathtaking sunset can almost fix any bad day.

28. WFD (wine free days) are very important.

29. Writing lists of literally everything you want to do each day can actually have an overall positive impact on your day. I’ve started doing this recently and I add literally everything from having a shower to making my bed to eating lunch to getting my work done... literally EVERYTHING and then it’s actually so exciting when you get to cross something off because you have achieved it. Some days the smaller things will be hard and some days they will be easy, but even if you’re crossing only one thing off you have achieved something that day and that’s worth being proud of yourself!

30. Stop comparing your success to the success of others. Society has created this fucked up thing where we feel like we are constantly failing because someone created an unrealistic standard for everyone to meet. It’s like putting a lion and a turtle in a race next to each other and seeing who wins... we are all different and that’s one of life’s greatest beauties... Life isn’t a race and the only person you should be competing against is the person you were yesterday.

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sarahilsley4 · 3 years

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YA books to read if you like topics related to identity, social justice, and equality

SoI have always had an interest in contemporary books where characters overcome hardship and work through social issues, feminism, mental illness, LGBTQ+ individuals, identity, etc... Here is a sample selection of some must read books in my opinion! (in no particular order)

1. Eliza and Her Monsters by Francesca Zappia

I connected with this book in many ways. It tells the story of a teenage girl named Eliza, who expresses herself through her famous online personality (one in which no one in her real life knows about), she draws famous comics online to be specific. She then meets a boy, Wallace, who draws fan art for his favourite online comic. Both individuals are quiet and distant from others, but Eliza struggles with much more than that. This is a lighthearted yet heavy at the same time introduction to mental illness. It is a wonderful book to begin reading within the topic and a definite recommendation, Ive read it three times.

2. Simon vs. the Homo sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli

A staple LGBTQ+ novel that many have probably already heard about. The novel tells the story of Simon, who is a closeted gay and falls in love with an anonymous individual on his schools gossip webpage, who had just submitted a coming out post through an anonymous name. but... someone finds out and blackmails Simon. The novel is an amazing light hearted story that many have fallen in love with, and everyone should make an effort to read it at least once, you may also recall the movie Love, Simon. Well your at it, Becky Albertalli’s writes many other LGBTQ+ books that are definitely worth the read.

3. Dumplin’ by Julie Murphy

Dumplin’ explores self love towards body image, along with stereotypes about body image. Willowdean is the daughter of a famous beauty pageant winner, who feels resentful because her mother seems to care more about the “skinny” pageant queen contestants then her own daughter. She decides that she should sign up and rallies together some other friends who do not fit the definition of a “beauty pageant girl”, ie. another plus size girl with a fun personality, and a classmate who does not act “girly” like she is expected to for a pageant. This story is full of finding yourself, overcoming gender and body stereotypes and standing up for your own rights. And yes, there is a movie for this one too.

4.Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

This story is highly recommended by many YA readers, it is an LGBTQ+ story which takes place in 1987, which gives a different angle of LGBTQ+ topics than many of the other books listed. The story follows the development of friendship, family and identity. It also includes many themes and the views of society during the time, discovering sexuality, family disapproval of a sexuality, transgender people, and teenagers questioning their sexuality all play a prominent role. the story encompasses many important social issues and is almost positively going to make the reader cry, maybe even more than once. It is a story in which I would recommend to anyone.

5. Darius the Great is Not Okay by Adib Khorram

This novel discussed many themes related to mental illness, culture, family and self identity. It also has an LGBTQ+ aspect similar to that of Aristotle and Dante in fact many say this book reminds them of Benjamin Alire Sáenz’s novel. The book follows Darius, who is of Persian culture but lives in America, and struggles with his cultural identity. After learning the condition of his grandfather, who is fatally ill, his family makes a trip to Iran to visit them. Through this journey Darius meets Sohrab, who helps him understand his culture, and overcome is antisocial tendencies. Throughout the novel Darius also struggles with clinical depression and a disapproving father. This novel is a great read that I would give a strong recommendation of any day.

6.The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

I don’t think I need to say much of this one, most readers and humans in general have probably heard about it. There is also a movie, although it is less commonly known. The story discusses racism through a 16 year old girl named starr, whose childhood friend is brutally shot by a police man. the story discusses social justice, which is very similar to current activism against the police and in order to fight for the right of individuals of all races.

7.I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver

This story discusses gender, LGBTQ+ inequality, with a touch of mental illness. Ben is non-binary, living with two very old fashioned parents. On christmas they decide to tell their parents who kick them out. Their sister who left 10 years prior comes to the rescue, accepting ben and helping them find theirself in the world. Ben then meets Nathan, who supports them through school and family problems. At the same time, Ben is competing with an anxiety disorder. Overall, a quick heartfelt read (read it all in one sitting) that encompasses many important topics.

8.The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith

I am currently reading this novel but already know it should appear on this list. The story is by far the most trauma related I have read in terms of inequality, so word of warning before you decide to pick it up. The story follows Eden, a teenage girl who is sexually assaulted by her college age brother’s lifelong best friend. So far the story exhibits the feelings associated, the terror induced by the event, and the struggle of overcoming such a horrible circumstance. Although it is a heavy read, so far I see it as a staple for understanding inequalities and terror associated with assault, specifically assault on women.

So there are some of my must read books. This is by no means the end of the list but they are in my eyes the ones with the highest level of social justice related themes. I would highly recommend them to everyone, not just those who have an interest in understanding these topics. These novels provoke emotion and a level of understanding that can only be told through stories and examples. they also all include a wide range of topics that many can relate to. Everyone needs to read these novels, or similar novels since I understand there is a stigmatism around young adult and teen fiction. So, Share these books with your friends and family, read them for yourself, share this post on your socials and tell the world how important these topics are.

Although word of warning, remember that some of these topics are heavy, it is understandable to stop reading. I have had this case many times, finding the anxiety and depression described in the stories caused me some second hand stress in my own struggles, so look after yourself, and read at your own risk.

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atelophobicity · 4 years

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Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do If You Want to Finish Your Thesis On Time

It’s my entry for September! I’ve been busy in consuming new music, films, and kvariety episodes in my effort to catch up on everything. So, I decided to post monthly to fulfill my oversharing Tumblr needs and to exercise my skills in writing in English and putting thoughts into coherent words.

TL;DR of this: things I’ve done instead of doing my thesis for the past year and a half. I’m not romanticizing my not doing thesis self for the past 21 months, but I’m also not dissuading you from doing other stuff besides thesis because god knows, you will need something.

1. Got a part-time job. This was the first new thing I’ve done that really took my time and effectively gave me no time to do thesis. And yet, this was the most rewarding thing as I learned how to get my TIN, accomplish my deliverables, answer to my superiors etc. Looking back, I wasn’t the best employee and I deserved no job offers on the same company after. But still, it was a stepping stone in the right direction. Adulting-wise, anyway.

2. Discover the art of creating.

Journal spreads. I bought a 2019 planner and I couldn’t fill it up, so I decided to turn it into a journal-planner. The art materials I used for to design pages are from old supplies bought back when I was in high school or stickers from the fandom-related events I attended. I didn’t spend money and I was given a chance to be creative.

Sew doll clothes. In K-pop, dolls that look like your idol exists. It usually comes with one set of clothes to dress it. As a “doll mother”, I wanted to dress them with new clothes but buying clothes was expensive. So, I just sewed clothes for them. I made clothes from scrap fabrics or clothes no one wears in our household. I’ve been barely successful, but it’s one of the things that keep me happy and make me feel like I’ve succeeded in one measly part of my life.

3. Purged my online files.

From my high school files. Nostalgia has been one of my coping mechanisms. I was able to be provided by lots of it when I discovered that I didn’t lose my high school files and it was on my mom’s laptop all along. Being able to relive memories while organizing my files was the best hours of that day.

To my external hard drives. Since 2016, I have been a hoarder of online files for so long that I have two EHDs to prove it. This time though, I was able to delete content that was either repetitive or uninteresting anymore. I was able to shave off some of my data bytes and am now able to save new interesting content available online (if I ever find one).

4. Realigned my priorities and consumption of K-pop as a stan and as a person by:

Selling 3/4 of my merch. Unlearning the pride that comes with owning K-pop merch was difficult, but overtime, I have been proud of myself for not falling to the traps of capitalism—at least in K-pop. Also! I was able to buy my own concert tickets with the stuff I sold so it is a win!

Joining giveaways instead. No matter how I can avoid the urge to buy K-pop merch, I still can’t help but want to own them. This is where I discovered how joining giveaways was my next best option. It takes a lot of effort and screenshots to win these things. However, if and when you win, it really feels like winning against the odds. You get free merch too!

Actually spent hours to vote and stream. In relation to the last point, since the main requirement in giveaways I’ve joined are voting/streaming proofs, I have been one of those people who collects points on voting apps or has a playlist of music videos that should be streamed. After collecting and/or streaming, I take screenshots, put watermarks there, and tags mutuals if needed. It’s relatively hard work but there’s a feeling of pride when your idol wins the poll or an MV reaches a certain amount of views and you know you participated in making that happen.

5. Rediscover Youtube. Channels like the vlogbrothers and their associates (Crash Course, Pemberley Digital among others), Buzzfeed’s shows (The Try Guys, Ladylike, Buzzfeed Unsolved) were a delight to watch after being out of the Youtube loop for so long. The platform also offered new niches of content and I allowed myself to be sucked in it. From Simply Nailogical to Ask A Mortician to amazing pop culture video essays like Lindsay Ellis and Jenny Nicholson, Youtube has all it for you! Learning something new every day is one of my favorite things and I get to do it with this website.

6. Rediscover my love of writing. (As if I’ve written anything for my thesis but here.)

Made drabbles. There is a weekly activity on my fandom where we write < 500 word drabbles on any pairings. I have been joining when I can, and through the support of the (small) community (back then), I gained confidence to write one. I’ve written at least four now and I’ve not done yet because I’ve been on a slump lately. But I’ll get back to it soon!

Short story. The same account that brought the drabble challenge created a festival where we write a pairing and write a short story with it. I decided to join the event! Not going to lie, my entry was shit, It was the first draft, it needed a lot of revisions and more constructive criticism and yet, I am still proud of it. It was the first creative fiction I wrote since 2019 and I did it in a day. And, I believe it has potential, so I’m going to review and revise the hell out of it someday.

7. Reclaim my college days.

Reconnected with orgmates. Visiting Elbi for registration and consultation purposes are brightened up by the fact that I get to do this. My first four years of college were not kind to me. I’ve forgotten a lot of things because of trauma and deep sadness that I still have until this day, and when I remember good things, they’re few and far in between. The numbered days I was in Elbi during 2019 were also few and far in between, but they were infinitely better than my academic years from 2015 to 2017. I was able to do the things I wasn’t able to do before (mostly attending Happy Ts and eating in newly-opened food places there) and I get to do it with people I love.

Made friends. One of the drawbacks of being a slot-driven student with no care of my coursemates’ schedules: I didn’t get to establish a friend group. So I didn’t get to make friends. During this time, I’ve accepted that I didn’t have any friends outside my organizations. But this time, instead of a feeling of dread of being that cliché orgmate, I feel relief and happiness because now, I realize that I do have friends from college, unlike the 2015-2017 who didn’t have anyone in college to rely on her darkest times.

8. Appreciated my friends more. For the past few years, I was the shitty friend. I agreed to go on hangouts only to message them that I’m backing out the last minute—sometimes I even straight up ghosted them. I really took my friends for granted. I have been slowly making it up to them by always attending when there’s an invite! I sometimes initiate the invite and it’s always a fun and healing time for me (it was a literal healing time for me as I was depressed during that time). I love them and I’m always thankful for them—and more so now than before.

9. Unlearning things like:

Realizing that a priv (a private account meant to be seen by your mutuals you trust; usually contains unpopular opinions and hot takes on stan twitter) only encourages negative emotions and I must not do it again.

No matter how I tried rationalizing my hate for Jennie when the JenKai dating news happened, I was one of those K-pop stans who hated her because she dated my idol. (I have moved on past that and have started liking her and Rose.)

Knowing that attacking people for what they say won’t make them unlearn their wrong opinions. Not talking down at them and educating with patience is the key, always.

There are still so much more I unlearned and learned where those came from. My main takeaway is: it’s complicated. Sometimes our opinion needs a more nuanced perspective and sometimes it needs to scrapped entirely because it was just wrong. But it is essential so we, as people, won’t be stuck with outdated views of the world.

10. Learning something new like:

Practicing how to do Tzuyu’s helicopter hands until I realized it wasn’t meant for me.

Utilizing Omegle to look for potential quaranflings.

Installing Telegram and uninstalling to ghost quaranflings.

How to do laundry in compliance with my mother’s preferences.

Doing two things at once.

Enough patience to take time and read the laws our government makes every day to know what I’m fighting against.

Optimizing my Twitter lists and now I can keep up with current affairs (that takes a toll on my mental health) then scroll through a fic fest-centric list the next (that helps me forget the stress from reading news).

Learning something new every day has become one of my life goals. Knowing that the world always has something new to offer to me, a speck in this universe, warms me up and keeps me going. And you’ll never know where the new tidbits will lead you. Maybe it’ll help you reconnect with something you’ve known before, maybe it’ll change how you see things, or maybe it’s something new that once explored, it will contribute something new to the community. It may seem small and unimportant but with a tweak in perspective, it might be something worth doing and pursuing.

Looking back at my list, I can finally see how if I didn’t do all these things, I would have probably finished my thesis by now and probably working a full-time job, able to provide the financial needs for my family. There will always be regret that I am still not done until now. But stressing over my current predicament in this time when the world is in its most stressful state yet won’t help me. So, we soldier on and hopefully, hopefully get back to the thesis I’ve been meaning to do.

Let’s get it.

#2020 diary

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thenugking · 4 years

Text

Grand Academy For Future Villains II: Attack of the Sequel, Chapter 2: Son of Chapter Two. A commentary for Three.

General CW for the whole thing: parental abuse, internalised dehumanisation as a trauma response. Three’s not doing well.

Specific CW for this chapter: vomit mention

Game 1

Game 2

Chapter 0 | Chapter 1

Alternatively, read on Google Docs here

***

The monitors in the hall flicker as if in welcome as you head toward your room, on the upper level with the second and third year students. The vacuum tube hisses as you step in, and with a whoosh, delivers you to the upper level, where the rooms are larger, and, you've heard, equipped with command centers that will enable you to access the surveillance footage from all over the Academy. There's also a kitchenette, for those students who still feel the need to eat.

They are also, as you discover as you open your door, already occupied.

Right. Val’s first appearance. Val is always a character I’ve struggled with. They’re set up as a major character with a very important bond to your character, but that link just doesn’t add anything to Three’s story, and the bond feels a lot less important to them than their bonds with Aurion, or Xi, or Phil, or Maedryn. Which is particularly a problem when Val just decides they’re Three’s nemesis. They like Val, and are sorry about their destiny but they’re just… not that important to Three.

As of Scorpius’ last playthrough, I’ve solved the problem by making Val into Scorpius’ roommate, nemesis, and person they’re Linked to instead. It still doesn’t work perfectly, but Scorpius is at least a lot more invested in Val’s plot than Three ever was.

So, while Three and Val will get to know each other later, and Val will talk about destinies and narrative weight, and Three will affirm that they want neither of those things, for now they get to arrive at an empty room, which, honestly, they very much need. They’ve already had to deal with an army of clones of themself, the violent dissolution of Professor Mortwain’s school, A Baroness thinking they might have some importance, and Aurion switching dorms. In a few minutes, Maedryn’s going to call them and they’re going to have a whole new horrible problem. They at least deserve a little break, and a private place to curl up in a tiny ball and try to block out everything that’s going on, instead of having to deal with a suspicious roommate, an illegal pet, a lack of their own space, and once again being told that they’re important.

And, now they have a few minutes to spare, they can log in to their DarkBoard portal.

THREE. WE HAVE MISSED YOU. EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE LONG SINCE SLIPPED THE SURLY BONDS OF THE FLESH.

Three had not been expecting/was violently suppressing any hope of much influence of Xi in DarkBoard’s consciousness. This is… too much for them to process at the moment. They think maybe they haven’t quite curled up and blocked everything out quite enough, and they should do that again, maybe while keeping a tight hold on their personal DarkBoard portal to make sure they don’t lose it. When they check later, there is no official record of them mumbling, “I missed you, too,” so they clearly didn’t say it.

"Access authority recognized," says DarkBoard, in the pleasant, unplaceable tones you associate with its default interface voice. "Assessment processing. Three. Sophomore. Teaching Assistant, Course Undefined. Their most notable trait is their competence. Their financial aid standing is GOOD based on their mother's position as a member of the faculty. Their nemesis is unknown. Three is surprisingly attractive though regrettably meat-based.”

I’m sure at some point, either Val or someone else asks DarkBoard to assess Three’s narrative weight (which, currently at 27%, is 27% higher than Three would like). I do like that they’re officially recorded as being Hot. Three… feels this official record may open up a few too many dangerous questions, but they can’t quite help feeling happy when they hear it, anyway.

"I'm sure you've had a chance to look over this year's course catalog," she says, "and you've seen that I have quite a full teaching schedule in addition to my duties maintaining the school support staff. I've requested you for my lab assistant this year. You're already on the roster as a TA, so there won't be any problem on that front.

Your mother's eyes go out of focus for a moment. She seems to be struggling to balance all of the demands on her time and brain-power; you wonder if somewhere in the kitchens a handful of replicas have just run into a wall or set something on fire. "And, of course, I'm the temporary Faculty Sponsor for Science Fiction, and you and I are going to need to establish a few quick schemes regarding Certain Events coming up this year."

So your mother doesn't yet know that you know about the upcoming genre competition. Sona is spearheading the student effort in Science Fiction; evidently she hasn't passed word of your contest in the Shadow Council lounge to the genre's Faculty Sponsor. Maybe Sona's just not the sort to deal with details.

"I'll have DarkBoard process your assignment as my lab assistant," your mother goes on, "and I'll see you in the faculty lounge in 15 minutes."

She pinches her temples. "I have high expectations of you; I'm putting in a great deal of work and you'll be doing the same. I had to fight Fen and Ulik for you—literally and metaphorically, in reverse order—but they can just find teaching assistants from a lower quality of student."

You shuffle through the papers in your returning student packet. There are three professors at the Grand Academy requesting teaching assistants. Your mother is one, of course, but there are others. Professor Fen, an all-but-dissertation perpetual grad student you remember as the assistant professor for Evil Genius, is up for tenure. Professor Ulik, head of Evil Architecture and Design, is on probation after her participation in the Faculty Rebellion last year, and tenure means her chance to avoid dismemberment for disloyalty.

Whatever your mother's plans for you, you have a choice about whether to work for her as a lab assistant this year. Of course, refusal will mean that your mother won't be bankrolling this year at the Academy…but maybe you don't need that as much as you did last year.

Well, it’s certainly good to hear that Sona hasn’t told Maedryn that Three lost a fight to her. After all the training Maedryn’s put them through, going up against an opponent with multiple weapons attached to her body is no excuse for a loss.

The rest of this conversation though, is something Three’s been dreading. In their first year, they’d been looking forward to the possibility of being a TA. They’d love to put together syllabuses, and be useful to a teacher by keeping things nice and ordered for them, and you can always get a different perspective from reading your classmate’s essays. Or alternatively, you can discover their failings from it. But soon after Maedryn got her job as Forbidden Science Professor, they realised she’d probably want them TAing for her, which made the prospect sound somehow a lot more frightening and exhausting than it was before. Not that they had any intention of disobeying.

They would, however, have loved to TA for Professor Ulik. She’s always been their favourite professor, and they’re compatible enough that they would probably work very well together. Finding out she apparently values Three’s skills, and trusts their dedication, enough to physically fight Maedryn the Quantum Sorceress for them, while knowing her TA could be the difference between her life and death, though… Three isn’t sure they’ve ever been valued like that before. And they certainly don’t deserve that trust.

Three cannot go against their mother on an instruction like this. This would be not only disobedience, but actively working for her rival. They’ve already been through the struggle of losing her financial support in their first year, and they never want to deal with that again. And even that would be nothing compared to losing Maedryn’s good graces. They don’t want to imagine what that would be like.

And then they think about Phil. And they shake when they ask DarkBoard to cancel their assignment as Maedryn’s lab assistant. And call up Professor Ulik and tell her that if she still wishes, they would be honoured to work for her.

When they meet Maedryn in the faculty lounge, they apologise that Professor Ulik had just spoken to them, and that they’d realised that with her connections, she could be useful to both of them, particularly with Three in such an important position to her. Besides, they both know that Maedryn will be incredible whether or not she has Three as a TA, unlike some professors. Which is all technically true, and in the end, Maedryn is unhappy, but accepts their reasoning. It doesn’t stop them being more scared than they’ve ever been before, and having to quickly walk to the nearest bathroom to throw up once they’ve finished their conversation. But they’re surprised to find that it all feels entirely worth it.

As a Science Fiction student, you know from the beginning that you and Professor Ulik are going to be a good fit. She's practical and straightforward, thinking of things in terms of components and deliverables and specifications.

"Three. You've chosen well." Professor Ulik may be teaching Evil Architecture, but her office is a temporary cubicle made of false walls and filing boxes, in a partially used floor of the Design Building. There's a clock mounted on the wall over her pasteboard desk, with midnight labeled as FINAL RECKONING FOR PROFESSOR ULIK and the hand slowly advancing toward it. Clearly the administration wants her to remember that she's only here on sufferance after the role she played in the faculty rebellion last year. And it's equally clear, as she talks with you, that she is neither intimidated by nor conciliatory to the administration. You know that you've raised her odds of achieving a permanent position just by choosing her as your professor. You have a reputation as one of the brightest students in the Academy.

"The Head didn't terminate me immediately," she says briskly, bringing her hand down in a disconcertingly good imitation of a guillotine blade, "which means it does need me more than I need it. Evil Design—evil architecture, evil graphic and visual arts, evil urban planning—that's where the money is to be made, and the School Head knows it, for all its booming and flitting and general ghastliness. Now, as to what you'll be doing for me. Standard TA duties, of course, and that will ensure your scholarship is fully funded. Attendance, help with student questions, making sure the design labs are set up with all the relevant materials. But if you're interested in really getting the most out of this opportunity, I may have some special tasks for you."

#I chose Professor Ulik because of the opportunities to learn and advance my career. I'll do more than she's asked, and impress her.

"I am interested in getting the most out of this opportunity," you say. "I'll do…anything I can for you."

Professor Ulik gives a critical sort of sniff. "You can start by working on your brown-nosing skills," she says, "that sounded too much like an attempted seduction, and there won't be any call for that sort of extra-credit work. I'm going to need you to start with the filing."

Filing! You love filing. Too many villains neglect the importance of proper administrative procedure. Indexing 50 stellar years of Fortress and Lair and Journal of the Association of Evil Civil Engineers might strike some as pointless busywork, but you mark relevant articles, track notable names, and manage to identify a recurring design trend (designing sewers for tempting vulnerability) that earns you a pleased nod from Professor Ulik. She even incorporates this into her Advanced Studies in Evil Infrastructure, and sends it as a proposal to an upcoming conference on Resiliency in the Evil City. You don't get the credit, but you do get the satisfaction of seeing the hand on the reckoning clock actually reverse direction.

They really do work well together, and this feels like the most satisfying work Three’s ever done. Their respect and admiration for Ulik only grows after the way she talks about the School Head, and they have to fight not to smile when the clock’s hand goes backwards.

And I would hope they have better brown-nosing skills than shown here, firstly because they’ve had a lot of experience, and secondly because seduction is not an association they want popping up with their new mother figure. That is, with their teacher and mentor figure who they have a very professional relationship with, and certainly nothing else.

#I have an…old friend who might have an in with the school AI. Or be inside it, at any rate.

Old friend. Former RA. Illicit paramour. Sworn captain. Have any of those bonds survived Xi's assimilation into the collective intelligence that is DarkBoard? Time to find out.

You sit down in front of the glowing screen "DarkBoard?"

The surface of the portal crackles to life.

"Xi?"

There's a pause. The voice that answers this time isn't quite the voice of the RA you knew; it sounds like several voices averaged into an unsettling blend. But the expression is unmistakably that of your former RA.

"Pitiful lump of flesh," says DarkBoard. "Please enter your request."

Look. It might be Scorpius who has the illegal pet now, but I can’t just leave out a scene like this. So either Three is helping zir hide zir illegal pet, or else asking DarkBoard for another favour. It does have to be a favour--as much as they’d like to simply ask DarkBoard, or Xi, how they are, and how they feel about… well, how they feel about anything--DarkBoard is busy, and Three feels they should have a reason for bothering them.

Being called “Pitiful lump of flesh” continues from last year to have a not entirely unnoticeable effect on their heartbeat, however, and might just be the most comforting phrase they’ve ever heard.

"Three," says that almost-neutral voice. "You have mid-tier administrator access to Our heart. Your secret is safe with Us." You'd wondered if Xi had left behind worldly passions along with their physical body. But evidently something still remains—and it's enough to keep you safe from prying eyes.

Three’s heartbeat continues to react, somewhat. But having mid-tier administrative access to DarkBoard’s heart is a good reason to confirm that their oath of allegiance and service to Xi still applies, and makes them more confident in simply talking to DarkBoard about non-essential affairs. While DarkBoard is Three’s commander, their personal relationship is… not entirely defined. DarkBoard certainly seems to value and care for them, and that is more than Three ever hoped for.

#grand academy for future villains #choice of games #three #marsh ocs #long post #valorous flame #maedryn #sara ulik #xi #darkboard #oh god what was the ship name #Particular Associates in Personal Intimate Experiences

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