Look at my little scrinkles <3 Oh they grow up so fast...

Literally. The were like 18 in the first one and 23 in the most recent.

Jealousy, Jealousy (Part 1)

Solomon x F! MC

Long Slowburn, Angst to comfort, Rough language and behaviour

"I'm resigning as your apprentice, Solomon." The conviction in your voice was clear. You had clearly contemplated it for some time.

"You're... you're not even close to ready for higher level magic MC-" Solomon was clearly caught off-guard. More shocked than displeased.

"I don't need it. I don't need anything to do with magic or being a sorceror. I just- I'm done. So thank you for everything so far, but you won't need to waste your time with me anymore." You barely met his eyes before you walked out.

💮

This was two days ago. You were careful to tell him on a Friday, so you could avoid him for the weekend.

Mammon and Asmo both asked you whether you'd like to go out with them, but you refused. You didn't want to run into him on the streets either.

A part of you felt guilty for doing that to him. He did deserve an explanation atleast. But what could you possibly tell him?

I can't be around you anymore because I'm desperately in love with you but you already seem to have someone else.

No. It makes no sense. It sounds so juvenile and conceited, you shake your head and bite the inside of your cheek. You cringe at how strange and tense your next interaction with him might be.

But that wasn't a good enough reason for Lucifer to let you stay home. So you took a deep breath and left for RAD.

💮

To your relief, you had no classes in common in the first half. At lunch you sat alone, in a place where you'd usually never sit. Further lowering the chance to see him. So you ended up with a friendly bunch of Succubi from your classes.

They were complaining about how the assignments were too long to complete in one week and you wholeheartedly agreed. While one of them was mimicking the professor's stern voice, another one screamed.

She was holding up her phone and squealing in excitement. You peered at it. Asmo posted a new Devilgram story.

Of course.

You feigned interest to match the energy of these excited fangirls. But honestly you'd lost your appetite, listening to the conversation.

"Oh look, isn't that Solomon in the back? Oh he looks extra smoldering today. I wonder where he's staring so intently?"

"Yes yes that's definitely him. They're always together aren't they? Like an old married couple haha!"

"Solomon stays in Asmo's room when he stays at HOL, doesn't he? Oooh I wonder what sort of kinky things they get up to in there?!"

Asmo is incapable of loving him. He has known him for centuries and yet doesn't know anything about him. Even simple things like his favourite work of fiction or his music tastes. He has never taken interest in what Solomon's works or passions.

"Oh but I've heard Lucifer is more Solomon's type. Did you know he's been trying to get a pact with him since the last century?"

"Oh yeah I've definitely seen them around too. There's even fanart of them in the RAD fansites now ahaha!"

"They are totally like rivals to lovers. Did you see the magical duel they got into once? They are so equally matched!"

Lucifer cannot stand the sight of him, let alone trust him. He always told me how dubious and shady Solomon was, literally asking me to shut him up and keep him away once I became a sorceror.

You couldn't sit and stew in this conversation anymore, painfully close to puking out all the contents of your stomach. But they caught you trying to leave.

"What about you, MC? As his apprentice who do you think suits romantically Solomon?"

Me.

You wanted to scream it. But you didn't. How selfish and conceited of you. Who the hell were you decide? And it's not like people were not allowed to have their opinions on it. You couldn't in your right mind, judge them for simply making the most logical assumptions.

"Haha I honestly couldn't tell. We never really talked about things like these." You laughed awkwardly before excusing yourself. The bell rang just in time. You headed straight to class.

💮

You were clutching your books to your chest. How did things turn out like this? You were sure to be as fast as possible. How did all the seats get filled up? And why was the only empty seat next to Solomon?

"MC, please come in and sit down. We need to get the class started." The professor said, impatiently. You nodded in apology and headed in the direction of your doom.

You could feel his eyes on focused on you, sending chills down your spine. But you didn't dare glance more than once. It didn't help that this was a double period.

And anytime your hands or elbows accidentally touched, you flinched, muttering soft apologies and tried to move your seat away. But somehow your seat was being pulled back into place again.

"The next assignment is to be done in pairs. So everyone partner up with person you're sitting next to and finish it by next class. Class dismissed."

Oh, just my fucking luck.

"I'll come by the House of Lamentation at 7:30 tonight." His voice was icy as he got up from his seat, moving back so you get out of class first. On your way home, all you could hear was the sound of your heart pounding wildly.

💮

You were suprised that the house was still empty at 7. You texted the brothers asking if something happened.

Satan texted back about how there had been a sudden increase influx of student requests and the student council has too many of them to review.

Beel texted you to eat without them cause they might have to stay in school overnight. You felt your anxiety rise. The thought of being all alone in the house with Solomon...

The doorbell rung exactly at 7:30. You opened the door and welcomed him in. The coldness never left his eyes. His footsteps were deliberately slower and more weighted as he followed you to your room.

"I've set up the initial requirements of the experiment, so if you have the magical items and extracts, we can just get started right away-"

SLAM!

The door shut and locked loudly behind him. You thought you could get away with pretending everything was fine but clearly he had different intentions.

"I believe you owe me some explanations, MC." He walked over to the bed, grabbing your wrist along. You could feel the repressed anger in his grip. It scared and excited you all at once.

You found yourself cornered against the wall behind the bed, your ankles binded together by his glowing ropes. Struggling was useless. He leaned forward until you could feel his hot breath on your lips.

"Sorry about the extreme measure MC, but you have a rather unpleasant habit of running away from conversations."

💮

To be continued....

it's warm, the skin I'm living in

Square: D5 - Enthusiastic Consentacles Rating: E Word Count: 2432 Ship(s): Dream of the Endless | Morpheus/Hob Gadling Warnings: No archive warnings apply Additional Tags: established relationship, shapeshifting, Dream of the Endless can have a vulva when he wants, oral sex, tentacle sex, body worship, anal fingering, lots of emotional conversations, Hob Gadling is a good boyfriend, they really are just disgustingly in love with each other Summary: Hob realizes Dream is being a little… extra creative when it comes to their love life. When he asks his boyfriend what’s going on, some of Dream’s deep-seated fears are revealed. One part fun shapeshifting sex, one part Dream being incredibly insecure, one part immortals being disgustingly in love with each other. Read on AO3 | fill for @dreamlingbingo

“I want to touch every part of you at once,” Dream whispered one night, their legs entwined as Hob dozed off, humming approvingly. The next morning, while Dream was scientifically taking him apart at the seams, Hob gradually realized that there were eight hands roaming his body.

The revelation that Dream can assume almost literally any form, shaping and changing his own body and image at whim, had been… surprising.

But not unwelcome.

“So… when you say anything…” Hob trailed off.

“I do mean anything.”

It started small. Dream made himself a few inches taller than Hob, or a few inches shorter. His hair changed length (Hob spent a pleasant afternoon in the Dreaming reliving their meeting in 1789 and putting Dream’s hair ribbon to very good use). His cock, too, grew in length and girth at… opportune moments.

Sometimes, Hob looked at Dream and his lover’s eyes were glittering with stars.

Things escalated.

“I want to touch every part of you at once,” Dream whispered one night, their legs entwined as Hob dozed off, humming approvingly. The next morning, while Dream was scientifically taking him apart at the seams, Hob gradually realized that there were eight hands roaming his body.

One anchored in his hair, tilting his chin back to make room for Dream’s lips at his throat. One pinning his hands above his head. One tracing the line of his clavicle and one pushing cool fingers into the heat of his mouth. Two pressing his hips mercilessly into the mattress as he writhed under the ministrations of one hand on his cock and the last cupping his balls.

There may have even been more than eight hands, at the end there. Hob thought at least three fingers had been in his arse and he could swear none of the other hands had moved… though he may have lost track. That had been a nice morning.

Once they spent a long and memorable holiday weekend in Paris, with Dream in the form of a woman the whole time. God, he’d looked so beautiful: all sweeping elegance and curves, soft and smooth under Hob’s hands and on his arm. Heads had literally turned as they strolled down the Champs-Élysées, dallying in front of shop windows. They’d wined and dined and fulfilled every romantic cliché that the City of Lights had to offer.

Dream had tasted beautiful, too. Hob had laid him out like a feast on their hotel bed and spent selfish hours with his face buried in the sweet cleft between his legs, delving and licking and sucking to his heart’s content, emerging only to roam and sample the rest of Dream’s gentle and yielding body, so unlike his normal form.

Even the noises he made were different, softer and sweeter. Typically a quiet lover, it was as if the change of his shape necessitated a change of response, too. The moans and mewls and sighs and cries – Hob drank them up as eagerly as he did the wetness of Dream’s cunt.

It wasn’t until they were home that Hob got the sense that something was… off. They’d showered off the grime of travel and were curled up in their own bed together, suitcases kicked into a corner to be dealt with in the morning, and Hob sighed contentedly and cuddled Dream just a little bit closer.

“That was incredibly lovely,” he said, “but you know, I think the loveliest part of going away somewhere is coming home after.”

“Do you really think so?” Dream asked. He sounded skeptical.

“Of course,” Hob said. “Don’t you?”

“I assume that humans are constantly seeking novelty, rather than defaulting to the familiar.”

“Well, but I’m asking you.”

Dream didn’t answer, and Hob had turned the remark over in his head for a long while before finally falling asleep.

After that brief conversation, Hob had paid closer attention to Dream’s appearance, especially when they made love. After a few weeks’ worth of observation, he was surprised to discover that it was, in fact, incredibly rare that his lover’s body took the same form in any two given encounters; that Dream, somewhat disturbingly, seemed to be actually going out of his way to provide Hob with something new every time they came together.

The penny truly dropped one lazy Sunday morning, when Hob had coaxed Dream into the shower despite assurances that the Endless did not become dirty, and therefore did not require bathing, unless they specifically desired to.

(“That’s not the point of this kind of shower.”

“Then what is?”

“Well, I need someone to wash my back, you know.”

“You successfully clean yourself alone nearly every weekday morning.”

“That’s not the point either, darling.”)

Eventually, though, he had Dream where he wanted him: under the shower, with miles of soft, pale skin glowing slightly pink from the hot water while Hob kissed his neck and luxuriously worked a palmful of richly-scented body wash into the muscles of his back and down toward his buttocks.

Until he felt the unmistakable sensation of a tentacle creeping up his inner thigh.

“Ah ah, love,” he said, gently swatting it away. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Oh no? I believe I begin to understand the point of this kind of shower,” Dream murmured. Hob felt a second tentacle coiling around one knee while a third seemed to be heading for the cleft of his arse.

“This was supposed to be just a normal sexy shower,” he said helplessly, turning toward Dream and pulling him into a kiss.

Not even ten minutes later he was on his knees in the bathtub, heedless of the cooling spray of water behind him, as Dream’s inhumanly flexible appendages curled around his cock and plunged inside him, driving him to the brink of orgasm and beyond as he sobbed with pleasure.

Later, after they’d actually cleaned up and dried off and Hob had resisted the urge to crawl back into bed and fall into a fucked-out doze, they’d settled on the couch with tea and toast and Hob had tried to figure out how to ask his lover if what he thought was going on was actually going on.

“Dream, love. I have a question for you,” he finally said tentatively. “There’s no wrong answer, but I want you to have a think and really consider before you say anything.”

“Of course,” Dream said, gazing at Hob over the edge of his mug.

“Do you… do you really think that you have to keep things new all the time? In bed, I mean,” Hob said. “Do you think that I’m going to get bored, or something? Because I’ve noticed that you seem to, er, up the ante? Quite frequently? And I guess I’m just wondering… well, why. And whether I’ve done or said something that made you think you… needed to do that?”

“Have I displeased you?” Dream asked with a trace of a frown.

“Not even remotely,” Hob hastened to reassure him. “Dearest, I don’t think it’s even possible for you to displease me, I am so utterly bonkers head-over-heels for you. It’s just –” He hesitated, searching for the right words. “This spring, when we got back from Paris. You made that comment about humans ‘constantly seeking novelty.’ And this morning, you know, I really was just thinking about a quick soapy handjob in the shower, but you seemed dead set on… escalating?”

“Surely, it is in my own best interest to stoke the ardor of my lover. As thoroughly as possible,” Dream said stiffly.

“That’s not in question,” Hob said gently. “I suppose you could say I’m wondering about the, the method. Of the stoking. And the variety. And the reasoning behind it. Am I making sense at all?”

“You are being perfectly clear.” Dream placed his mug on the coffee table and stood. “I have been. Overly exuberant. In my attentions toward you. I will attempt to curtail my intensity in the future. Thank you for telling me.”

Hob sighed. Dream was carefully not quite looking him in the eye.

“I think you know that’s not really what I’m saying, love,” he said. “But if you’re not feeling up to talking about it now, that’s okay. I can wait until you’re ready.”

Dream nodded, still stiff. When he kissed Hob goodbye, it felt slightly too formal. Almost perfunctory.

His lover disappeared in the usual swirl of sand, and Hob sighed again and sipped his tea. He no longer worried overmuch when Dream got in a mood and needed space; it almost always meant that he thought he’d done something wrong and was feeling self-conscious about it. They would talk it out, when he was ready.

Sure enough, a few days later Hob went to bed and opened his eyes to find himself in Dream’s chamber, high up in his castle in the Dreaming.

Its sovereign was standing on the balcony overlooking a beautifully overgrown courtyard garden, wearing a long diaphanous robe that billowed around him, though there was no breeze. The air was heavy and humid; it wasn’t raining, but there was a feeling in the air as though it might start at any moment.

“Hello, love,” Hob said.

“Good evening, beloved.”

Hob stepped out on the balcony and pressed himself against Dream’s back, wrapping his arms around the narrow waist and nuzzling into the dent between his shoulder blades.

“Feeling ready to chat?” he murmured.

“Yes. But first. I would like to tell you that I am sorry. I was short-tempered, earlier. And I wilfully misunderstood what you were trying to ask me. I am sorry,” Dream repeated, and Hob tightened his hug.

Dream always sounded different in the Dreaming, but his deep voice – somehow richer and more resonant – was fond and contrite.

“Already forgiven. Nothing to forgive, really. I understood.” Hob kissed Dream’s shoulder through the sheer fabric of his robes. “Do you think you can talk, now? About what I was asking about?”

“Yes. Come, sit with me.”

Dream led Hob to the bed, where they sat cross-legged, facing one another.

“You were right that I… have felt the need to keep things new. To keep your interest and your heart,” Dream began. “I wanted you to be excited about me. And to remain so. I have told you but little of my past loves, I know. They are few, but one theme has loomed large in my mind: that their downfall, when it came, was of my own making. That my reticence – or my selfishness – led to the loss of that which I held dear. I fear, more than anything, Hob, that I could yet lose you, too. I have already come dangerously close.”

“If it reassures you at all,” Hob said softly, “I literally can’t think of anything you could do that would drive you away. Not now, not that I know what it’s like to be with you. To be yours.”

“It comforts me to hear you say it,” Dream said.

“So, the shapeshifting… all the incredibly creative sex… it was because you were worried I might get bored of you and leave?”

There was a beat before Dream answered.

“Yes,” he finally said reluctantly.

“Okay. That’s a lot. But first of all,” Hob said, “it’s… actually very sweet of you, in a weird way. I’m glad you want me to stick around.” He leaned in and kissed Dream, just a soft, quick press of their lips. “Second of all, I do understand why you’d worry about humans needing novelty all the time, but honestly, I promise that’s not the case with me. I’d been very happy with regular-degular human sex for centuries before I got my hands on you, and –”

“I would prefer not to think about the lovers you had before,” Dream said archly.

“Down, boy,” Hob grinned. “The point is, as much as I appreciate the creativity – and I do, baby, trust me – I don’t need it. And sometimes it really is nice to just have a soapy handjob in the shower.”

Dream snorted. It was the dearest, loveliest sound Hob had ever heard.

“I love you,” he said, leaning in to kiss Dream properly, nipping at his bottom lip. “You’re it for me. And I will happily spend the next several centuries working to convince you of that fact.”

“You are about to awaken,” Dream rumbled. “But I will join you soon in the Waking. So that you may begin your work properly.”

When Hob opened his eyes again, he was in his own bed, and Dream was kneeling on the quilt beside him. He was, Hob was thrilled to see, still clad in the clinging robes he was accustomed to wear in the Dreaming, but which did not usually accompany him into the waking world.

“Good morning, love,” he said muzzily, rolling over and reaching for Dream, trailing his fingers down from hip to knee. “God, but you’re a gorgeous sight to wake up to.”

“I hope you intend to do more than look,” Dream said with a smile.

Hob slipped his fingers under the edge of the robe and pushed it up the length of a long, lean thigh. “Oh, darling. You know I do.”

It was utter delight to lay Dream back against the pillows. To pull his sheer robes aside and kiss the miles of soft skin underneath. To stroke and caress until his rosebud of a mouth was open and panting in pleasure, and his sex was hard and wanting against his leg.

“Hob – I want –” he gasped.

“I know what you want.” Hob mouthed up his ribs and along the sharp line of his collarbone. “You’ll get it, love. You’ll get everything you want. But first I want you to listen.”

And he proceeded to tell Dream exactly how much he loved his body, this body; how he’d wanted Dream since he first beheld him, and how his wanting had only grown deeper and wider with every moment, every touch, and every kiss. He told Dream how good his body felt under him, over him, in him; how good he made Hob feel every time they came together. Hob proclaimed the perfection of Dream’s eyes, his lips, his long clever fingers; admired the softness of his throat and the strength of his limbs. He lavished praise and kisses on every inch of his body, until Dream was trembling beneath him and tears stood in his eyes and turned them to ice-blue crystals.

Only then did he take his prick in hand; only then did he kiss along its length to where it already wept copiously at the tip. Only then did he slick his fingers and sink them into the perfect, welcoming heat of Dream’s body.

Dream arched his back and cried out as he came, and it was the most beautiful thing Hob had ever seen.

It always was.

Read on AO3 >>>

tagging @five-and-dimes, who kindly expressed interest in this ficlet many months ago when I posted a snippet. I finally finished it and thought you might like to know :)

green = complete, orange = WIP

The bridge — Yunjin x reader (Part 1)

summary: Y/n hasn't lived a happy life, but maybe, an encounter at a bridge might change that

pairings: Huh Yunjin x fem!reader

tags: angst, it gets worse before it gets better, non!idol au

word count: 2,8k

warnings: su!cide, sexual abuse (implied/talked about but never described), abuse in general, violence, part 1 is just suffering (I'm sorry)

——————————

When y/n was young, her mother used to say that the strongest people hide their scars the best. Her mom often talked about suffering, pain, scars, and the inability to heal if you didn't try.

Y/n thought it had to do with the fact that her mother was deeply religious, to the point that she pushed her fate onto everyone near her, mainly y/n. When she thought about it now, she realized how obvious it was that all of that talk stemmed from a much different place but cut her some slack. She was just a child.

Y/n realized her misconception about her mother a few days after her eleventh birthday when she found her in the living room after she returned from school. It was Mother's Day, and she drew a picture of the two of them together at a playground just a few meters away from the apartment block they lived in and used to visit frequently. She wanted to ask her mother if she wanted to go there together and maybe get some ice cream after. Instead, she found her hanging body, face purple and puffed up like an overripe grape. She still can't eat them to this day, reminding her of that awful day.

Y/n found it funny now, the age-old saying that the daughter takes after the mother. Her father used to say it every time he got mad. That she looked like her, that she was just as useless as her, just as pathetic…he knew it cut deep. That y/n despised her mother the most out of every living being on the planet.

She knew it was wrong to hold such a grudge against a person that was long gone, but she couldn't help but feel that what her mother did was selfish.

Y/n knew that she was a bad person. Everyone said so when she confessed to what she felt about her mother, but she didn't care. That woman left her alone with her father, and that was enough. 

That sick fuck, oh god, how she hated him. Every night she dreamed of the day she could finally escape from this hell hole, running out and never looking back.

She had a plan written out in her notebook from when she was thirteen. It had been altered and modified to be as effective as possible, but the main goal remained. Get enough money and leave forever. 

Over the years, y/n had learned how to trick her father so that he would remain clueless about her plan. She knew that if he ever found out about what she'd been planning, it would be her end.

She had convinced him that she was taking extra classes after school to get better grades but, in reality, she started working at a cafe far away from their home. It took her around 30 minutes just to get there, but it was better than having her father find out.

The pay was abysmal, but after working there for almost four years and not spending a single won, she managed to save up to around 75,000,000₩.

The money is safely stored in an old backpack she used to wear in middle school. The good thing about her father not doing any cleaning or cooking is that he will never find where she hid it.

It's not as much as y/n would want, but because her father doesn't allow her to leave the apartment on weekends, she can't pick up the long shifts that would make it easier to gain more money. 

“Y/n! Where's the dinner? It's almost eight!”

Speaking of the devil. The apartment door slammed shut with a loud bang. Y/n could hear his feet dragging on the floor, and combined with the slightly slurred speech, she could tell he was drunk again.

“It's on the stove. I wanted it to still be warm for you. I will plate it soon.”

Y/n responded to him, standing up from the small bed she was resting on. Since her mother died, they have never upgraded the furniture, well, her furniture.

She still had to sleep on the tiny bed with pink butterflies she got for her tenth birthday. She had to deal with her feet dangling over the edge while her father bought a new stone bed for himself every year, insisting that he needed it because of his back problems.

“I don't want it soon, y/n. I want it now. Now get your ass here so I don't have to do something I will regret.”

The girl clenched her fists before entering the kitchen, trying to calm down. It was wide and spacious, littered with the newest equipment, a complete 180° from her room that looked stuck in the past. 

Her father was sitting on a chair in the center of the table. His hands gripping both edges, legs spread out as far as humanly possible. His chin was pointed upwards, eyes forming small slits from where his gaze followed y/n as she moved around. It was as if he was trying to show her who was the boss, who ran this household in any way possible.

“What's this?”

He asked as she started placing the food in front of him. Meat in the middle on the biggest plate, and rice in a bowl on the right. Side dishes belonged on the left and were organized by how much he liked them, kimchi always first, followed by the rest. A glass of chilled beer belonged next to the meat, closest to his hand.

“Bulgogi marinated in a sweet soy, sesame, and garlic sauce with-”

Her father cut her off mid-sentence, an irritated look on his face.

“I know what it is, y/n. I'm not dumb. I'm asking because I had the same meal yesterday. Are you getting lazy? No one will want to marry you if you can't switch it up sometimes.”

He scoffed at her, taking a long swing from his beer and placing it back on the table with unnecessary force.

“No…I just bought a bit more and didn't want to waste it. I can make something else if you want to…”

Y/n answered through gritted teeth, trying not to sound too annoyed as she knew what that would cost her. Her father just waved her off, mumbling under his breath how incompetent she was.

God, how much she just wanted to pick up the empty bottle of beer from the counter and smash it on his head, but that would get her nowhere. She just had to remind herself that this would soon be over.

Her birthday was tomorrow. In just a few hours, she will be eighteen. And then she will finally get out of here, the one-way ticket to Busan already in her bag.

As she got ready for bed that night, slipping on the worn-out pajamas that were too short on her, she checked on the hidden bag one last time, making sure that everything was in its place so that there was no way that anything would go wrong.

As she slid under the covers, the door to her room opened. The small crack let the light from the living room in and cast a dark shadow on the figure of her father. 'Enjoy it as much as you can, father.' Y/n thought, clenching her hands together as he removed the thin blanket from her body. 'Because this is the last time you will touch me like this.'

——————————

To her utter horror, when she returned from school the next day, her father was sitting in the kitchen, her 'secret bag' next to him on the floor, its contents spilling out on the pristinely clean linoleum, almost as if they were dirtying it. He had a glass of whisky in his hand, the cubes of ice in it almost melted and he was waiting, waiting for her.

“F-father-”

Y/n's voice trembled. Her expression betrayed how she felt. Wide eyes, mouth slightly open. The deafening silence was interrupted by her school bag falling on the floor, her fingers dropping it from shock.

“Good evening, my dear daughter…I realize that this is quite a special day for you.”

He paused for a while, looking her straight in the eyes. He was smirking slightly. It was the closest thing to a smile that y/n had ever seen from him.

Even before her mother died, he always had that constant look of disgust and utter disappointment reflected on his face. The only exception from this was when he beat her or came into her room late at night.

That look of pure power and satisfaction as he watched his daughter get forcefully put back into her 'rightful place' that he always described. Beneath him in every way possible.

“Happy birthday, y/n. I know you've been looking forward to this day for a long time. Do you even know how I felt? When I found this 'diary' of yours?”

He slammed the small book onto the table. The loud 'slap' made y/n flinch in place, hands instinctively moving up to shield her face. A habit she developed awfully young. 

“I- When- When did you…”

Y/n couldn't will herself to finish the sentence. Her voice was so quiet that she could barely hear it. It felt like she was naked, stripped bare, and presented in front of her father to observe. His piercing dark eyes that have lost their humanity a long time ago, burrowing deep into her flesh.

She wanted to throw up. Not being able to stomach the way he looked at her. She could feel his superiority oozing out of him as she once again proved that he was two steps ahead of her.

“Almost a year ago. You didn't close your drawer properly. I guess you grew too comfortable, thinking I only entered your room at night and when you were there.”

He paused again, letting his words resonate around the room, taking a sip of his watered-down whiskey.

“You have no idea how hard it was for me to stop myself from beating you to death right that day when you returned from school. But that wouldn't be fair. That would be giving you the easy way out, leaving me in this shit hole alone and without anyone to make it more bearable. Then I wouldn't have someone to take my frustrations on.”

He stopped talking, mumbling something under his breath that y/n couldn't hear. Picking up the glass again, he took a long sip, clearing it of any remaining liquid before throwing it in her direction. It shattered against the door, his aim affected by the alcohol. 

“You think you can just leave me here after everything that you put me through!”

His voice was getting louder by the second as he grabbed the bag and threw it at y/n in anger. For a moment, she had hoped that someone would hear the screaming and call the police, but she knew that even if someone did, it wouldn't change a thing.

Her father was a well-respected priest that always got away by saying that y/n was just a problematic teenager that didn't respect her father enough. Most of the police officers in their area attended his sermons and believed everything he fed them, like pigs. 

The money spilled all over the floor, all of the hard work she put in in the last four years being trampled on by her sick son of a bitch father that couldn't even admit to his own faults.

“I don't think so…I don't think so…”

Her father kept repeating as he removed his belt, wrapping it around his hand. When the first hit came, she couldn't even cry out in pain, her body refusing to make noise, trained by the constant beatings and threats to make everything worse if she kept crying.

At first, she just stayed there, curled up on the floor as she took hit after hit, her skin darkening from the bruises. Her father slipped on some of the spilled banknotes and was now kneeling in front of her. She could see directly into his face, that twisted smirk mocking her.

'No, no, I can't continue living like this. What about my future, my dreams, my-'

Y/n's thought ran at a hundred miles per hour. She couldn't live like this anymore. She was an adult, a human being. Someone worthy of love and affection. Her father couldn't dictate her life anymore!

She gritted her teeth and reached for the bag just a few centimeters away from her reach. Y/n had gone over the contents of that bag a thousand times, so she knew a small switchblade rested in the small pocket on its right side. She had put it there as protection if she couldn't find a safe place to sleep at night and had to spend some time on the street.

Ignoring her father's hits, who had now switched from his belt to his hands, she slid the knife from its confinement, tightly gripping it by its base, the silver blade glinting under the fluorescent lights.

Her fingertips had gone white from the lack of circulation as she held it in her twitching hand. With as much force as she could exert in her uncomfortable position, she stabbed the blade into her father's side, holding it there for a short while, before twisting it.

The man let out a horrifying scream as he rolled away from her. Before he could even realize what was happening, she ripped it from him and buried it back inside, ignoring the pool of blood forming underneath him. She repeated her action several times, her face contorting with pent-up anger. 

As he rolled around the floor in pain, she got up, ignoring the dozens of cuts and bruises on her as she ran out of the door, not even bothering to close it behind her. The only thing she had on her mind was to get away as far as possible. Somewhere he wouldn't be able to reach her.

Her lungs were burning, and her feet were in pain, the switchblade still clenched in her hand, droplets of blood dripping from the tip as she ran. 

Y/n collapsed at the beginning of a bridge connecting two sides of the city, divided by a river, quietly flowing into the night. She was so tired it felt like it was lulling her into sleep, her eyes fluttering to a close every few moments as she fought to stay awake.

Despite the bridge being completely desolate, not even cars driving by, the sun was beginning to set, and she didn't want to be so vulnerable in an unfamiliar place in the dark. Her hand finally released the knife, letting it fall on the pavement, the sound reminding her of a bell.

“Oh my god!”

She heard someone exclaim and quick footsteps approaching her. Y/n didn't have enough energy to respond, so she just looked in the direction she heard the voice from.

She could see a tall figure of a girl running toward her, blonde hair almost glinting in the orange sun, making her look otherworldly. As the girl got closer, y/n could recognize the same school uniform she herself had on.

“Y/n? Is that you? God, what happened?”

The girl's face appeared in front of her, a look of genuine concern staring down at her.

“Yunjin…?”

She wanted to laugh. What were the chances of her school's resident troublemaker finding her beaten half to death in a ditch? How fitting.

Yunjin was known around their school for skipping most of her classes and hating any type of authority. She had flunked her senior year and was older than everyone in their class by a year. Her parents were living in the USA and sent her a fat check every month to live off. As long as she didn't get in trouble with the law, they let her do whatever she wanted.

Y/n remembers being so jealous of her. Of how confident she was, how she always seemed so carefree. And oh, what she would give for her father to live far, far away from her.

“Y/n, come on, stay with me. Don't die on me, please! Oh god, what do I do? Hello, 112. Yes, I need help-”

Yunjin's voice faded into the background as she frantically yelled at the 112 operators, not knowing what to do with her. Y/n let out a small laugh that sounded more like a cough as she looked at the older girl pacing in place, casting her panicked glances every few seconds.

“Yeah, yeah…I can do that, for sure.”

Y/n heard Yunjin say as she approached her again. She heard the EMT responders from afar, their siren and bright blinking lights announcing their presence.

Suddenly, Yunjin's hands slipped from behind her, enveloping her in a strange half-hug. Y/n guessed it was more for comfort than for help. But as they waited there, leaning against each other, y/n noticed just how warm the other girl's hands were, rubbing comfortingly at her back.

-to be continued-

Miss missha, the sexting tag is there winking at me. I just know this will be good. You write sexts so brilliantly!!

And yes, the carlando pics (posted on main?!)!! good for them

Also, thank you thank you so much for everything you've put in for kinktober. it may not have gone exactly up to schedule, but totally fine and valid and you've been keeping us well fed.

SPOILERS for "part of my life" below the rose line

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

Reading this paragraph: "He’s truly spoiled; yesterday they had a date day and spent the entire day together...." <- this lando is so omega/sub coded, and still also living vicariously thru fic!lando, where is daddy carlos? need him to show up soon. lando's so clingy and the way it translates to the narration is just perfect

"while Lando wants to be childish, he can’t and has to let the Red team borrow his love every once in a while." <- childish, selfish, bratty lando!!! carlos come for your man

"That’s something Carlos has always fondly teased him about — whenever he’s thinking, he’s stressed, or sleepy, things find their way into his mouth." <- we know where that line of thinking brought me. i'm not gonna speak of it any more

"Right now though, he would love to have something else in his mouth. Something big and warm, something that’s so entirely Carlos that it can make everything better." <- THERE IT IS

"It doesn’t matter what it could be — whatever it is that Lando has decided to share with him, Carlos will gladly take it. Anything Lando gives him, Carlos will hold onto and appreciate. Just like he hopes to do forever with Lando: hold onto him and appreciate him for as long as Lando allows him." <- 🥺🥺 my heart 🥺🥺

"Mi Vida" <- awww 🥺🥺

clingy!lando and possessive!carlos is such a vibe and a pairing and it suits them so good

let this lando wear some thigh highs tooo

OH THE MCLAREN DAYS. at the garages during race weekends, in their driver rooms, sneaking into each other's hotel rooms... and when it's factory days, some random offices or storage rooms... hands creeping up thighs during team meetings hidden in sight by tables or document print-outs

And yet, the team knew the whole time? i wish i had been there during the fruity years of the papaya team

“You guys are oddly sweet when horny,” Charles comments, looking over Carlos' shoulder without any shame." <- actually made me curse out loud laughing 😂 😂 

why could i see that whole exchange with charles happening in real life 😂 😂 

"Are you writing an essay?"  "Remind me to never send you nudes" <- 😂  😂 

Ahh that ending was so perfect!! it just screams carlando and their dorky horny selves. i love it, so sweet and horny (charles was so right for that comment) and really funny.

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹 <- and extra more for being such a comedian.

-Rose 🥺🌹

Sexting is honestly so fun!! Ngl more so in real life than when writing because those time stamps are a bitch to add. which is why i might've been 'forgetting' them in my kinktober fics. oops. sorry not sorry.

and thank you!! im not so sad anymore that things didn't go as i wanted them to go so that's good!! i think.

seeing how i still manage to omega code lando even in a non omegaverse fic: oops

we all are this type of lando at times

sweety, sometimes you don't have to say anything xx

i swear this kind of carlando stuff makes me a puddle of softness. i cannot handle them

please Charles is done with carlando and lando's sometimes (affectionately) done with carlos dsghkdsg

I like how you think some scenes in my fics are funny because I swear in real life i don't have a drop of humor in me

Okay, Hotchgan for you (I’m anti Mortch but that’s not why I’m here)

I’ve had this idea of like the two of them having an argument because the team doesn’t know about them and Derek wants to tell them but Aaron doesn’t. So anyway, they argue, and Morgan says he wants a break to work out priorities. Hotch just retreats into his old ways, spends long nights in the office, forgets to eat, anxiety through the roof except when he’s in the field, because . Low key just depressed Aaron but handling it by blocking everyone out. He purposely doesn’t pair himself up with Morgan and avoids him other than strict work things.

Would be super keen for you to maybe write this? With a happy ending. Idk I just wanted someone else to hurt over these two.

Hi! UGH This is too good, and I am really sorry that I took this and turned it into a whole ass novel but here we are.

(On the note of Mortch vs Hotchgan, and entirely lighthearted...I'm all in on both, honestly. Because like, yeah, Hotchgan just sounds nicer. I dig it. But I am in the camp that believes the dominant person's name should come first in a ship and for me...that's Morgan. Plus Mortch totally sounds gross and I am very immature and like that for some reason. I have zero real preference, basically. I use them interchangeably.)

ANYWAY. Thank you for this idea, it broke my heart to the point that I picked out a 3 episode arc to exploit for my own selfish purposes. (S10 - Beyond Borders, A Place at the Table, Mr. Scratch) I hope it lives up to the painful image you had in your head! (And yes...it takes a while to get there but we do have a happy ending.) I appreciate you sharing with me and trusting me with it!

Warnings: Grief, death, blood, some swearing

Words: 5248 (OOPS????)

Shades of Shame

The sun cast her early dawn glow over the island, throwing pools of gold through the blinds. Morgan lay stretched out in bed, the sheet draped over his midsection carelessly while he slept. Hotch couldn't help watching him, keeping his eyes trained on the way the sunlight filtered in and danced on his skin. He was Adonais, he was Achilles, he was everything. Hotch wanted to crawl back into the bed, lock the door, pretend they were in Barbados on vacation. Sleeping in the same bed, sharing his room while Morgan's went untouched two floors below them felt about as close to a vacation as they'd ever had.

(And dangerous, it had required careful planning on their parts to start and end their days.) He peeked through the blinds, drank in the crystal blue water glittering on the horizon and sighed. That they were here to catch a murderer, not bask in the sun with their toes in the sand really said a lot about all of them. He would never have had occasion to come here otherwise, he could barely manage a quick weekend trip up to New York to visit his brother.

“We're not due downstairs for an hour,” Morgan whispered, his voice gravelly, thick with the luxury of sleep. Hotch smiled and turned around, grabbing his shoes from the corner before taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

“I know,” he replied, slipping his shoes on. “My stomach is a little upset this morning, I'm going to go find something to eat that isn't deep fried or greasy.” Morgan rolled over, slipped his arms around Hotch's waist and kissed him, pressed his face into the soft curve of his hip. A year ago Hotch would never have admitted that he wasn't feeling great, would have kept it to himself but he was doing his best to be more open since collapsing in front of his team at work. It was an arduous process, one he hated with every fiber of his being but he hated what had happened more so he dealt with it. Morgan knew all of this, so he made it a point to acknowledge it every time with some reward, in this case a kiss. Simple and effective.

“You're okay?”

“Travel doesn't always agree with me,” Hotch shrugged, leaning into Morgan's embrace. He could afford a few extra minutes for that. “I'm fine.” And he was, it was just nerves. An overseas case with a team he greatly respected but hadn't ever worked so closely with, all of them looking to him for guidance. Leaving Jack with Jessica on the mainland, splitting up his own team between Barbados and home. He tried to share the weight, he'd taken Morgan and Rossi with him for that very purpose, they could bear his loads when they got too heavy but splitting up his team and relying on people he didn't work with every day was a challenge and it was manifesting itself in a small but irritating way that could, if ignored, become a much bigger problem. He was hungry, he was doing a better job of listening to his body, but he'd seen the hotel's breakfast options and he knew it was a recipe for disaster. They cooked to appease American tourists and that meant hoards of eggs and bacon and fried potatoes, heavy food that would make him sick all day. He couldn't handle that kind of food anymore.

“There's a little coffee stand in the lobby,” Morgan said, his face still pressed against Hotch's hip. “They had tea and fruit salad and these incredible croissants. Simmons and I got coffee there yesterday, waited in line behind a group of grannies who ordered yogurt parfaits. You'll fit right in.”

“Very funny,” Hotch muttered, peeling Morgan off of him to stand up and adjust the collar of his polo. He was already sweating. He didn't mind heat or humidity, in fact he rather liked both, but it was awfully early in the day for his shirt to be sticking to him, for sweat to pool at the small of his back. Especially when they had the A/C on in their room.

“Are you happy?” Morgan asked, his face turning serious all of a sudden as he watched Hotch attempt to tame his unruly hair in the mirror. The sweat was helping to weigh it down but did nothing to make it stay in the right place, a constant source of amusement to Morgan.

“Of course,” he replied apprehensively. His neck flushed beneath the collar of his shirt and he didn't turn around, not yet. There was a sudden shift in the mood of the room, it made him uneasy. He had an idea of where the conversation was headed, they'd been skirting the issue for a while now, Hotch was the king of deflecting. There was nowhere to go, now. Nowhere to hide. He leaned on the dresser and peered closely at the lines around his eyes, an easy distraction while Morgan reloaded, prepared to fire.

“I am too,” Morgan said, sitting up slowly. The sheet pooled in his lap, left very little to the imagination. Hotch tried not to be so obvious when his eyes fell on Morgan's hips. “So what's stopping us from sharing that with the people we love?”

“Your family knows,” Hotch offered softly. “Jessica and Jack...Sean...my mother...”

“You know what I meant.”

“Derek,” Hotch said, turning on his heel. He leaned against the dresser, affecting a much more casual stance and training his eyes on something that wasn't as distracting as Morgan. “I don't know Cruz that well yet. You and I are in violation of fraternization rules, we could lose our jobs. If it was Strauss, I would...” he let his voice trail off, cast his eyes down at the pattern in the carpet. There was no way he came out of this conversation unscathed. “The team would understand, but...it doesn't look good to anyone who doesn't know us, doesn't know that I would never abuse my power, you must know that. I just think we need to be cautious.”

“Cautious, got it.” Morgan was snappy, he pulled the sheet up over his chest and covered himself with it. The message wasn't lost on Hotch. “I think I'll sleep in my own room tonight. Wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression, think I was sleeping with the boss to get the fancy room perks.”

...

The late spring days gave way to early summer, pollen coating everything in its thick, yellow haze. Hotch was living in an antihistamine fueled nightmare, pumping himself full of twice as much coffee and tea as usual just to combat the drowsy feeling he was plagued with from the moment he opened his eyes in the morning. They'd returned from Barbados the week prior but there had been no rest, no reconciliation. He was pouring himself harder into work to compensate for his sudden lack of a personal life, filling the void with case files and research papers, anything that could keep his mind focused on one thing. To avoid the comments, he was making sure he left on time every day with his briefcase and his bag full of plenty to occupy him well into the night. It helped keep Jack from asking questions too, if he was so busy at work it made sense that Morgan wasn't coming around. Emails crossed Rossi's desk at 2am with changes to his guest lecture schedule, budget request forms for Penelope with all sorts of questions at 3:30am. It was frustrating, but he was well known on the team for having suffered from bouts of intense insomnia, usually it only lasted a week or two but this seemed to be stretching on forever and none of them could seem to figure out why, what had happened. At work he sounded fine, happy even, was looking forward to a day off to chaperone Jack's class at the Air & Space Museum. He and Reid had talked about it to the point where everyone else would find a reason to leave the room, so whenever anyone got their middle of the night email from Hotch who should have been asleep they were given cause to wonder how bad things must be that they couldn't even read him.

“You good?” Rossi asked one night, a bottle of scotch and two glasses in hand. “You seem...”

“I'm fine,” Hotch interrupted, hardly wanting to hear from Rossi what he seemed. He knew what he was, what Rossi would have to say. Rossi inclined his head, placed the cups on the table and poured a few fingers of the amber liquid. He gave Hotch the glass with more, thought he looked like he could use it.

“Is Jack alright? Tomorrow is museum day, right?”

“We're looking forward to it,” he replied, skirting most of the inquisition expertly. Of course Jack was fine, he wasn't sure he could keep it together if anything happened to Jack. He was barely holding on as it were.

“Any single moms joining you?”

“Dave...” Hotch groaned, sipping his scotch. The walls felt like they were closing in. “Please.”

“I'm just curious, Aaron. Seems like you're burning the candle at both ends these days, maybe a distraction would do you some good...”

...

He wasn't surprised when they got an urgent call while Jack was flying around the apartment getting himself ready for school. He wasn't surprised to find out that it was a high profile case and he couldn't let his team handle it without his leadership. He really wasn't. There had been a part of him that never really believed he'd get to go on the field trip with Jack, but while he wasn't at all surprised, he was disappointed. Incredibly so.

“Aaron, you don't sound good,” Jessica said, standing in his home office watching him shove files and loose papers into his briefcase. He was stuffed up, she could hear it in his nose, in his chest. He had allergies, she knew it, but he was often so well medicated no one would know. His voice had a nasal quality that was hard to ignore and it concerned her. Like a crack in the foundation. By itself it was insignificant but it would give way soon enough.

“Allergies,” he muttered and she nodded, accepting his answer. “Thank you again.”

“I'm kind of looking forward to it, I haven't been to the museum in years...” She sounded distraught but he couldn't put his finger on it, couldn't worry about it. He should have been in his office an hour ago, the police were waiting on them to do a live walk-through of the crime scene before the bodies were moved and he was holding everything up by not being there. He didn't see her face contort, he didn't see her tears. She knew he was going through plenty of his own problems, she'd noticed Morgan hadn't been around lately, hadn't wanted to bother him about it. If he wanted her to know, he would tell her. They shared enough between them, there needed to be room allowed for privacy.

As if he wasn't distracted enough on a daily basis, the desperate call from Jessica sealed the deal. He'd been leaning over Penelope's shoulder, listening to her give him very important information and the next he was excusing himself to go and pick up she and Haley's father after being detained by the police for breaking and entering. It wasn't exactly jail, but he was being held and Jessica wasn't available to help, she was at the Air & Space Museum with his son and his class, where he should have been, which meant he was going to take care of her responsibility while she was busy taking care of his.

Two steps forward, one step back.

He was kind as he signed his name, pulled Roy out, offered him a jacket and was met with the first unruly outburst of anger. It would have hurt even if he was having a good day, even if he'd been at a high point in his life, but hearing Roy growl at him to shut up in the police station, in front of everyone, knocked the wind out of him. He pulled the jacket back to his chest and put his head down, following behind, anticipating a rough car ride.

Not one to disappoint, Roy laid into him. It started out simple, defensive, he wasn't doing anything wrong. He was an old man, he forgot things sometimes. Hotch stayed silent, stared intently at the road, tried to appease Roy, make him feel better. He didn't understand what was happening, Jessica hadn't told him there was anything going on and Roy didn't exactly make it a habit to spend time with him these days.

Once they were in his apartment, Roy let loose. He'd kept it civil in the car, kept it quiet but once they were inside all bets were off.

He couldn't be stopped. It came in intervals, yelling one minute and crying the next, his world topsy turvy and Hotch just did his best to stop, to give him his full attention, not to talk.

He was good at not talking. At not defending himself. Roy was starting to sound like his own father, insults cascading from his lips to Hotch's bleeding heart. He accepted the words as they came, didn't counter a single one. How could he? He'd seen Haley's ruined head with his own eyes, held her, covered his broken and battered hands in her blood. There was no way around the simple fact that she would still be alive if she'd never met him, and as Roy continued to point that out, he had no argument.

There was nothing to be done but float between the case and being yelled at until Jessica showed up, apologetic and teary eyed. How had he missed it? How selfish could he be that he'd missed her cry for help? Did he not once bother to ask her what was going on in her life, if anything was new? No wonder Morgan was upset with him, he was so absorbed in himself he had no time for anyone else.

“He's my father, he's my responsibility, not yours,” she said and he just stared at her, gutted. The ground had gone out from beneath his feet hours ago. She knew what he meant to say, he didn't need to say it. He didn't need to point out how much she gave him, how she'd stepped in and become a second mother to Jack and that their families were inexplicably bound together. He couldn't say it, he had nothing left in the tank, standing there in front of her was as much as he had in him.

And he still had to find more, somewhere. Had to go back to work, to find a killer. Had to help Jessica figure out what to do about Roy because, for better or worse, Roy was his father too. Roy deserved to be taken care of, he'd taken care of Hotch more times than he could count throughout his life. Given him a father's love when he had nowhere else to turn.

In the office it was business as usual. No one stopped to ask him why he'd missed half of the day, they didn't have time and they were aware they'd be met with his steely glare and a reprimand. They couldn't afford the distraction, his day didn't matter. Morgan watched him when he walked in, sat still beside him, let his eyes trail Hotch as he moved silently. There was something wrong, he could tell by his posture, the way his chest heaved like he couldn't catch his breath. By the time they were in their kevlar vests and taking down the unsub, he was the walking dead. He placed his hand on the victim's shoulder as Morgan pulled the unsub, her son, out of the house and he froze there like that contemplating his own paternal lot in life. This boy was given two fathers, one very much alive and unworthy, and one who never existed who could do no wrong. He was caught somewhere in between, a place of anger. What did that make Hotch? Now somehow lost somewhere between an abuser and a phantom, nothing but distant memories every direction he looked. He didn't hear Morgan approach him from behind, pull him away from the now empty table.

“Is everything okay?” he asked, standing a little too close. Hotch blinked stupidly a few times, tried to get his bearings.

“I,” he began, ready to pour it out. Ready to just overflow into the one person who could take it all and put it right, but he stopped short. Shook his head. Morgan didn't want it, he'd made that much clear. He couldn't figure out why he cared now, why he'd watched him suffering for weeks without a sideways glance, how he could walk out of that hotel room in Barbados and write him off entirely and then come here expecting that he still held a place of trust. Even if it was true, even if it was the only true thing Hotch knew at that moment. His stubborn pride won. “You don't get to come and go when it's convenient for you. You're the one who needed time, you're the one who left. I need to get home. Good job today.”

Home didn't feel like home. He wasn't welcome, no one greeted him happily when he walked through the door. Jessica wore a look of pain and concern on her features he didn't often see, while Jack and Roy played video games loudly down the hall. There was pizza on the table waiting for them and he wondered if it was cold, if he'd ruined dinner too.

“Jess,” he said softly, pulling her aside. “You bring it up. If I say anything, he'll turn it down.”

She knew. “Okay,” she said, and the look on his face seemed to so entirely mirror her own. They would smile as she approached her father over pizza, offer him a bedroom with her like it hadn't been planned out by the two of them in any spare minute he'd found during the day to call her. Shuffling between a murderer and the care of a man who hated him. After dinner the mood had lightened, Jessica was relieved and Jack was excited.

“For once, take the low road and tell me to take a hike,” Roy muttered after laying into Hotch again when his daughter and grandson were out of earshot. Hotch chewed the inside of his lip, breathed out to hold the tears back. He was officially beyond his limit for one day. On the verge of taking the low road, of giving Roy what he thought he wanted, Hotch sat silently. He took it, he always did, even when he had nowhere to put it. Even when it overflowed, came back out as tears. Every angry, defensive word he wanted to say died before it reached his lips. Roy would never hear any of them. Roy would die never hearing Hotch defend himself. “You'll be rid of me soon enough.”

Jess saw the tears. She didn't have to hear the words from her dad's mouth to know what he'd said, to know what he was doing. Hotch sucked in a breath and forced a smile when Jack came back into the room with his model airplane. He found the smile hiding beneath the ashes somewhere deep that Roy hadn't burned, not yet. The smile of the teenager who went out and learned how to fish beside a man who had no reason to love him. The smile of a proud young man graduating the FBI Academy and seeing a man who never had to love him clapping for him as if he were his own. He could take Roy's angry words because he could remember Roy's love. It was enough.

Jack cracked jokes while they built his model airplane, jokes that Hotch knew without a doubt Morgan had taught him. Some were inappropriate but elicited laughter anyway. A few were punctuated in sloppy Italian thanks to Rossi or pristine French thanks to Prentiss. They all had a hand in making sure Jack got away with saying things he shouldn't have in languages his father didn't know.

...

“I need you to tell me what's going on,” Jessica said, handing Morgan a cup of coffee. She didn't often make it a point to spend time with him, but she had the morning to herself and Hotch had become almost insufferable so she invited him over to her place. He was wary, but thought it might help them patch things up so he accepted. “Did you two end things?”

“No, I don't think so...” Morgan assured her, swirling the coffee in his mug, releasing the steam into the air around him. “I just thought a little space would do us both some good, help us figure out our priorities.”

“Priorities? You mean like him not knowing how to stop working? Like him cleaning the bathroom grout with a steamer and a toothbrush at 3am on a Saturday because he can't sleep? Priorities like that?” She smiled, she was mostly kidding, she dealt with problems by using sarcasm and jokes. A lot of people tended not to like her because of this but she didn't mind that much, those people didn't concern her. Morgan had always liked it. Made him smile.

“He didn't want the team to know about us. I mean a few months in, fine, I get it man...but it's been over a year now and I guess I thought this was the real deal, end game shit you know? When can I stop lying to my friends?”

“Maybe instead of space, you guys just needed to talk?”

It was all fine and good for her to say that, and for Morgan to ultimately agree with her, but Hotch was still doing his best to run himself into the ground entirely. It was how he coped, easier to avoid painful things if he just worked around them. Helping Jack with his homework, making dinner, putting Jack to bed, working all night. He would sleep at his desk some nights, curl up on the couch others. His bed had been made for two full weeks without him ever touching it. Jessica hovered, tried to badger him into taking care of himself when she could but she had her own plate full of shit to deal with. She loved him dearly but she wasn't his mother and he was, for all intents and purposes, still functioning at a high enough level that he hadn't become a danger to himself or anyone else.

...

Work was work and no one seemed to notice the change. Not really. They'd always managed their relationship in a way that nothing ever looked different from the outside. It was a testament to their professionalism on one hand, and to the incredible closeness they'd developed over the years on the other. No one noticed a change because there wasn't one at work, there didn't need to be. They couldn't seem to find time to talk unless it had to do with work, though. They talked about cases, proof read each other's papers and lectures, Hotch approved a new physical ed program Morgan wanted to try out with Academy recruits. By the time they had a new case, the break was so far from either of their minds it was like it had never happened, right along with years of commitment and time and love. All out the window, but somehow they still found themselves able to function in such a way that no one asked them about it.

...

It was Scratch that changed things. Peter Lewis, for all his evil, managed to fix something that had been, up to that point, completely broken. Seeing Morgan shot in front of him, the warm sticky blood on his face, lifeless body there on the floor, his worst fear was realized. No one was there with him and he couldn't move, couldn't reach out and touch Morgan, just stared at his soulless eyes, every minutiae of the man he loved gone. Only the beautiful perfection of his body remained, bleeding away everything that made him him. Peter Lewis loomed over him, smiled and the images faded. He felt sick.

With a gun in his hand, he stared at the door, ready to shoot Scratch, blinking away the confusion that swirled through him. What was real, what wasn't. He held the gun in trembling hands, shoved it off to Rossi the moment he could and collapsed, tears coursing down his cheeks. He heard Morgan's voice in Rossi's comm, heard JJ, they were alive or he was seeing things again. Everything was faded and hazy.

In the ambulance, Rossi held his hands and listened as he recited what he could remember, his voice shaky and unsure. Recalling Dr. Ragan's blood, Scratch's smile, Morgan's blood on his face. As long as he lived he didn't think he'd ever forget that feeling. It hadn't ever happened but it was as real as Haley's blood on his hands. He shivered violently, the drugs coursing through his veins, his heart thundering in his chest. He was electric, thought he might explode at any moment. He didn't put up a fight when the EMT draped a blanket over his shoulders and told him to slide into the ambulance, helped him up onto the stretcher while Rossi seated himself within eye shot still listening to the story, still asking questions, still holding his hand.

“Is Morgan...” Hotch began and Rossi nodded. He never looked away, not once.

“He's fine. Everyone is fine. Scratch is with the police, the team is okay. What you saw wasn't real, Aaron.”

He had the distinct feeling Rossi had said that to him before. Moments before, maybe more than once. It sounded like a well rehearsed script. He was losing it. His eyes drifted closed, he was so tired and the pain was setting in now. Each movement of his wrist shot bolts of lightning up his arm, crackled in his elbow. He wouldn't tell Rossi, wouldn't pull his hand away. He needed that.

“Dave?” he asked, because he knew his friend was still there. Could still feel his hand, the warmth of his skin, he would know that grip anywhere. When everything started to fade he focused on his grip, on the pain it caused. That was real it had to be. “Dave...is Morgan?”

“He's fine, Aaron, I just sent him a text to meet us at the hospital.”

“Why does he need to...was he hurt?” His voice was weak, the EMT said something about his pulse being thready and slow, but his heart still felt like it was going to explode inside of him. It didn't make sense. “Dave?”

“He's fine, Aaron. You are hurt, not Morgan.”

He lost count of how many times he repeated himself, but at least it meant that Hotch was alive. When he went silent, when the EMTs put the oxygen mask over his face and his eyes rolled back in his head, that was when he worried.

In the hospital, he was treated for minor injuries. His wrist was bandaged and his ribs were bruised, packed with ice against his side while they awaited more tests. They cleaned up the blood on his cheek, the blood he was sure was Morgan's even after Rossi assured him it was his own. It was hours that the team paced the waiting room, hours of Rossi coming out to assure them things were moving, Hotch was in and out of sleep, they weren't going to admit him so they weren't letting him have visitors. Rossi only crept out of the room to give them updates, wouldn't be gone for longer than a minute, couldn't bear to be away from his friend.

They stayed in the lobby for hours, exhausted as they were. None of them could find it in them to walk away not knowing how Hotch was, not seeing him with their own eyes. What Scratch did to people was terrifying and each of them found themselves wondering what they would see when he came back. None of them were prepared for the sight of Hotch walking side by side with Rossi, looking exactly like a person who had just gone toe to toe with their worst fears. He walked slowly, listened as they all stood and greeted him, said they were glad he was okay (was he? He wasn't so sure...) and watched as he forced his way through them to fall into Morgan's chest. Without hesitation, Morgan wrapped his arms around Hotch's shoulders, pulled him as close as he could, held as tight as he felt comfortable. Hotch buried his face in Morgan's neck and cried, he couldn't stop it and for once he just didn't care. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe not, it didn't matter.

“I think they might figure us out,” Morgan whispered and Hotch closed his eyes, breathed in the smell of Morgan's skin, felt his entire body shake with weeks of sadness and anger and pain.

“Don't care,” he whispered, lips slicked with his own tears. I need you, everything is worse without you, I don't care about my job, he meant to say it all. Couldn't make his mouth work, but he held tight, one fist balled up tight in Morgan's shirt, the other, bandaged and painful, resting cradled against the small of his back. His head was a place of chaos and burning, every inch of his body hurt from injuries he didn't remember sustaining, his grip on reality was frail at best but Morgan's arms were solid and they were real and they were holding him firmly in place. It was enough.

“I can't...I can't go home...” Hotch whispered, still squeezing his eyes shut. His eyes that he couldn't trust. “I can't be around Jack and Jessica, not yet...not...I don't know what he did to me...” It was bad, that was all he knew. He couldn't trust himself, but he could trust Morgan. He could always trust Morgan.

“You can come stay at my place,” Morgan whispered back, lips pressed soft against Hotch's damp hair. “Garcia is staying a few days, her apartment building is being fumigated or something...if you don't mind...” He left it hanging, left it open for Hotch to decide.

Yes, he was standing there in front of all of them and yes he was letting Morgan hold him but they could still find a way to explain it. He'd done it after Haley, he'd pulled Hotch off of Foyet and he'd held him tight right there in front of Rossi, in front of Prentiss. No one had ever questioned their closeness, their motives then. They could explain it if they wanted, but Hotch shivered in his arms and pushed himself tighter into the embrace, pressed his cheek into the warmth of Morgan's neck and shook his head. He didn't care anymore and as he stood there, all eyes on him, all eyes on them, he knew he never should have cared in the first place.

None of it mattered.

Trust - Part 3

Shoto Todoroki x Reader 

+ Minors DNI 

previous | part | next

"So what, they were just arguing outside the dorm?" Toshi asked, stretched out on the couch in my workshop, manspreading as he rubbed the back of his neck. One of his long legs not quite fitting on the small red couch, hanging over edge.

"Yeah...I mean, I don't think it was too serious but there was definitely yelling." I stated, flicking my protective goggles down over my eyes and welding new panels on some of Bakugo's equipment, keeping the lines clean and crisp. Not wanting to feel or hear the wrath of Katsuki Bakugo if something was out of place.

"And you were in the bushes?" He asked, quirking his eyebrow, laughing at me as he laid down further on the couch.

"Not in a creepy way! In a what the fuck, dodge and evade kinda way." I said, my voice becoming higher as I defended myself. I had to admit, the situation last night would have sounded suspicious if I had told anyone else. A half-black 18-year-old, hiding in the bushes listening to a conversation between two rich popular people in the middle of the night. Yeah very sus indeed. But I knew that my story was safe with Hitoshi, hoping that he might even have some insider 3A knowledge.

"Well, nothing too exciting happened after they left. Yaomomo walked in head held high, made some tea and went to bed." He said, yawning and placing his arm over his eyes. He didn't mention Todoroki. Did he not go back inside? Where did he find himself last night? I didn't dwell any longer in the bushes to find out, almost regretting that decision now.

"So no gossip? I'm disappointed." I said shrugging, faking disappointment. He laughed behind me, his arm still shielding his eyes as he shifted and got comfortable, preparing to nap as I worked into the late afternoon no doubt. Mr Aizawa having to cancel their private training for 'Pro Hero Reasons'.

I never cared much for the drama of UA students, hero course or otherwise, but recently a two-toned boy had piqued my interest. The situation last night not helping me want to mind my own business. Usually everyone was too busy or too tired for drama, a fact that I had come to love since being at UA. Gone were the days of schoolyard bullying and the gossip about who was hooking up with who.

"What's going on in that brilliant brain of yours?" Hitoshi asked, his arm still over his eyes, not once had he even looked up.

"I can feel the neurons firing in your brain from here." He said before I could answer. It was times likes these that I hated he knew me so well.

What was going on in my brain? It felt like for the first time in 18 years I didn't know exactly what I wanted or how I would go about getting it. Shoto Todoroki's name had really thrown a spanner in the works from the moment it was listed next to mine.

"He is quite interesting... that's all I'll say about it." I said in Hitoshi's direction, looking back down, welding the remaining panels together.

"What? You have a thing for Todoroki now? Well get in line behind the rest of the school." He said laughing.

"I don't have a thing! I just find him interesting. Is that a crime?"

I put my equipment away and stood back admiring the finished product, hand on my hip and once again covered in grease. The thick black layer of grime almost a permanent feature of my skin since 1st year. Most of my clothes stained and musty. Smelling like the workshop and a truck had a baby.

"Speaking of interesting... Shishida said he knew you were there last night. I saw him talking to Kaibara about it this morning before class, looking all flustered." Toshi said, finally getting up and coming to stand beside me with one hand in his pocket and the other atop my head.

"I forget that his quirk lets him hear and smell everything. It's a little unsettling." I stated, a shiver going up my spine. I did forget about Shishida and his beast quirk, how he probably heard the whole thing and everything that was said and done last night in Sen's dorm room. Since mine and Hitoshi's most recent conversation about Sen, I have been feeling worse. Wishing that I could like him more or at least have the decency to cut him off. As much as I hated the thought of a relationship the thought of being alone forever with no one sounded even worse, as selfish as it sounded. I was using Sen to feel something, something that I knew would never grow and we would never be more than this.

"Am I a terrible person?" I asked, out of the blue. Shocking even Hitoshi as his eyes went wide.

"Of course not, why would you ask that?"

"I can feel it, I feel how much he likes me and wants me to stay but I just can't. I worry that I won't ever like anyone like that." I said sadly, dropping my head and removing the helmet, rubbing my cheek with the back of my hand.

"Hey! Boys and girls may come and go but you and me are forever. Don't ever forget that. I've seen your heart and I know how big it is and I know exactly who you are." He said, putting his long finger under my chin and lifting my head, a small smile on his handsome face.

"I don't know what will happen in the future. But regardless I'll always be on your side."

                                                              *

The next few days continued on like any other, morning classes then UA class followed by after school and extra curricular activities. The last bell of the day rang out, dismissing students and teachers who were eager to get back to the dorms to start enjoying their one day weekend. Sunday being the only day off for all students.

"So... What are you wearing? I'm thinking that red dress where your boobs look absolutely amazing." Mei said as she linked our arms as we left out respective workshops and matched step as we left the main UA building.

"Hmm maybe, I mean they are one of my best assets." I agreed, replying to Hitoshi's text message about what time we should head over.

"I'm excited. Iida has been freaking out all week trying to mentally prepare for tonight, I can already picture him running around offering people water or something lame like that." She giggled, her face lighting up as she talked about Iida.

Mei and Tenya weren't official but to all of us they might as well have been. They even spent last Christmas together, sharing their first kiss in the snow. I think Iida was hesitant after what happened to his brother, not wanting anything terrible to happen to the people he loved most because of his career path. A noble man through and through.

Ding.

Sen- Hey, are you coming to the party tonight?

I hadn't seen Sen since the last time we had sex and I left without an explanation, saying that I would text him. Which I had not done.

I had been thinking about everything recently, liking Sen enough to not want to hurt him but not liking him enough to want to be his girlfriend. We were both already in too deep, whatever I said now even if it was letting him down easy was going to be harsh. That's what happens when you are a selfish piece of shit who just wants to get dicked down. I sighed heavily and looked down, rubbing my temples. Over having to think about this whole situation, and just wanting to crawl into bed and never come out.

"Whoa whoa whoa, what is this? I don't like it." Mei said, waving her hand up and down, gesturing to my whole body.

"Why aren't you excited! We always get excited for parties." She stated, linking our arms once more and walking us down the halls.

"I'm excited. Who said I wasn't excited."

"Oh just your face, your body language and your whole aura."

She was probably right, the introvert in me wanted nothing more than to stay home and avoid any and all confrontation about the situation that I had caused. I didn't answer her as we continued to walk, making our way to the huge doors and pushing them open. Coming face to face with Sen, Shishida and Tetsu Tetsu. All of them turning and looking directly at us as we walked out.

"Hey guys! Wanna walk together?" Tetsu asked, his usual cheerful self on full display. His sunshine personality and aloofness clearly missing the weird tension between me and Sen.

"Um..." Sen started, blushing slightly and looking in my direction, his eyes looking sad as they took me in.

"We would love to! 3 future pro heroes as our personal chaperons? How did we get so lucky?" Mei answers, her voice getting higher as she looked between me and Sen, picking up whatever energy we were giving off.

We went the long way, the plan was to drop us off at our dorm then the 3 boys continue onto theirs. The conversation flowed naturally as we all talked about the party tonight and offers which we had gotten for work studies and internships.

"Hatsume I really loved the gear you made me! You guys are so cool, I wish I was half as smart as you. Mr Vlad might actually pass me then." Testu Testsu confessed, smiling and showing off his sharp teeth to us. The rest of the group continued to make small talk as we walked, me and Sen lagging behind the group, not walking together but close enough that I could hear his breathing. Fast and almost panicked, cleary working himself up.

"Y/N. Can I talk to you for a sec?" Sen asked quietly behind me so only I could hear. I stilled, scared that if I turned around, my heart and head would be even more confused. As if that was possible.

"You guys can go on without us." I said to the others, smiling at them as they waved us off.

"I'm s."

"I just."

We both said at the same time, both of us stepping forward towards each other. A blush making it's way up Sen's cheeks. He was incredibly cute. The type of cute that if you bought him home your parents would approve. The type of cute that was safe.

"You know that I like you, I don't try to hide it Y/N" He stated confidently, his darks eyes staring into mine.

"I love being with you, not just physically. I want to be someone you can rely on. Be there for you whenever you need. Why won't you give me a chance?" He said louder this time. My heart hammering in my chest. Not at his sudden confess but because I was scared of my answer, scared of being labeled the bad guy and rightfully so.

"Please, come with me to the party as my date and just give me a chance. There has to be something there or else we wouldn't have made it this far."

That's where he was wrong. People could sleep with people and not want to date them. People could promise each other the world and leave them the very next day. I knew that I could have sex with Sen a million times and even then, it would only be sex. He would only ever be cute, and if things ever went any further he would only break my heart or me his.

Despite this, as I looked at his eyes and his tall frame looming over me I answered with the complete contradiction.

"Yes, meet me outside my dorm at 7?"  

You Know What I'm Here For

For prompts?! Ngl this was low key threatening 😂

Platonic BkDk with some hero merch shenanigans! I got a little carried away.

“What are you...doing here, Kacchan?” Izuku says with wary eyes, narrowed as trails of bodies pass by on his left and right. 

Katsuki stands in front of him, matching his wide stance, hands clenched into fists as a sneer slowly works its way onto his childhood friend’s face. The mall is packed this weekend even at the early hour. They aren’t the only ones with these plans, after all. 

“You know what I’m here for, Deku.”

The words come low, ground out into a challenge between snarling teeth and heated palms. Izuku feels One for All pumping through his veins, a comforting heat begging to be called on. Izuku cocks his head to the side, feeling his own lips rise in response. His friends say his smile brings comfort—sunshine. 

But not now. 

Izuku takes a deep breath. “If you think you’ll beat me Kacchan...you have another thing coming. I’m always first.” Izuku takes a step forward. “Always.”

Katsuki follows suit, taking a step into Izuku’s space. They’re inches apart now, Katsuki looking down the bridge of his nose at Izuku. The air is charged, electric with their shared goal. Izuku looks down at his watch, a prickle at his nape from dropping Katsuki’s gaze. 

“One minute, Kacchan.”

“I know, nerd.”

The silence is palpable even with the sounds of bodies rustling around them from where they stand off to the side of the main thoroughfare. No one pays them any mind as the seconds tick by, their breathing huffed in tandem. The summer air is warm but neither boy pays it much mind even if a trickle of sweat appears on both brows; whether it be from the effort of intimidation or not, neither can say. 

3…

“I don’t lose, Deku.”

2…

“We both know that’s not true, Kacchan.”

1…

Katsuki growls viciously.

Beep!

Izuku’s watch sounds out loudly, two sets of eyes flinching with the alarm--and they’re off.

The legality of using his power and the selfish nature of doing so in a non-emergency setting is the only thing that has Izuku reining in his quirk as he shoves the blonde boy behind him as they sprint to the area both had mapped out in their heads months prior. Sneakers slap at marbled tile and bodies contort so as not to drag any innocent bystanders down in their furious movement through the crowd. 

All too quickly the store nears, it’s rectangular arch a beacon to the boys. The signs out front sear themselves into Izuku’s corneas as elbows fly and teeth ache from the effort and desperation pumping through his body. His legs pump faster, faster he must be faster, as the feet between him and his desires dwindles to almost nothing. 

“You won’t win, Deku!” Katsuki screams, the heads of the general public turning in surprise and disgust as the boys are nothing more than a blur in their periphery. 

Izuku feels his nails catch on skin as he flails for dominance in their glorified race. Adrenaline has him on such a high that the look of horror on the employee’s face that greets them as they near their destination hardly registers. Izuku wants this, he’s waited so long--

“W-welcome to our an-annual event!” 

Izuku can see it, can see the boxes in all their glory, shining white and gold and blue in their perfect pyramid stacks. He can feel tears in his eyes, his heart swelling with wonder and joy and the culmination of months of waiting ever since that magazine announced the Special Edition All Might figurine that now lies so close, just outside of his grasp--

He isn’t expecting the world to go dark as a hand, spread full palm clobbers his face, pushing him back so suddenly that his feet fly out in front of him. As if in slow motion, Izuku feels nothing beneath him, air his only buffer from cold, hard, tile. Then, time catches him with a vengeance. The air knocks out of him with a single whoosh and his ears ring as he tries to hold his head up from hitting the floor and yet he can’t miss the sound of triumph.

“HA! Yes! Loser! I won!”

Izuku slowly rises, rubbing at his already sore neck as he peers into the front of the store, Katsuki holding up their shared prize with such a look of supreme victory that it makes Izuku sick.

“Are...are you alright?”

Izuku looks up to see a hand outstretched, the wary but concerned face of the employee hovering over him. Izuku takes the help gratefully.

“Eh-heh, yea, fine thanks.”

Nothing hurt but my pride.

Suddenly Izuku realizes they aren’t alone, throngs of people seemingly coming from nowhere and piling into the store at a pace that surprises Izuku. Quickly he joins the masses, shoving his smaller stature between other bodies with as many polite ‘excuse me’s as he can manage 

Finally, with sweat plastered to his forehead, Izuku makes his way to the round table that holds his prize, eyes bright with elation as his fingers curl and stretch, just a bit further, reach, reach!

Only for his fingers to curl around empty air.

The table is empty.

Izuku stills, his body jostled side to side as others’ quests come to the same sorry conclusion. 

I...I missed them. They sold out before I could get one…

Izuku is mortified as he feels the tears come. Easily they roll down his cheeks yet he doesn’t blink them away, shock-widened eyes staring at a red table-cloth that wrinkles in mockery of what once covered its surface. Izuku sniffles.

“Oi.”

Izuku doesn’t look up. He’s too lost in misery. “I know Kacchan...you won.” His voice matches his shoulders that slump in defeat. He clenches his hands.

“Oi.”

This time Izuku does look, listlessness quickly being replaced by fury. What does Kacchan want? To gloat? To rub it in his face how yes he got there first, he got the thing they both wanted so badly--

Izuku must be dreaming.

Katsuki stands before him, blank expression carefully held on his face as he balances two All Might figurines in his palms.

“I saw you weren’t gonna make it so I grabbed an extra…” The tears roll even fatter down Izuku’s face. “Don’t make it weird!”

“Kacchan-” Izuku sniffles, “Kacchan did that for me?”

“Oh my god!”

Izuku barely reacts as the box is thrown at him, hands cradled to catch it as gently as possible. Izuku’s chest feels unbearably warm.

“Kacchan! These are collectable! Don’t throw!”

The wave of dismissal Izuku receives does nothing to dampen Izuku’s joy as he follows the blonde to the register. 

“Yea, whatever. Don’t ever mention this again and don’t you dare tell your dumb friends,” Katsuki grounds out. Izuku just smiles.

“Yea, alright Kacchan.”

He still tells his mom.

Buster & Rio

Buster: I was about to ask my parents if you could stay and it turns out Nance already has Buster: You could've told me I wasn't your fave any more Rio: 😂 Rio: You're still my fave, I'm just the fave of everyone, I can't help it Buster: [a pouty face selfie] Rio: You can't just ambush me like that Rio: you're too cute, its dangerous Buster: Well you're mine so you can't be anyone else's Rio: You can say that again though Rio: please Buster: You're all mine Buster: And not only 'cause you've got such good manners but I'm not mad about it Rio: Well please tell me they said I could come Buster: Nance scraped a C on some essay which is like a Dyslexic A, I guess, so Buster: They couldn't really say no Rio: Yay! Rio: She's really come through Rio: my dad should be home in an hour or so, I'll ask then Buster: I would've Buster: You know I've been on my best behaviour, babe Rio: I know Rio: trust me, it'll be way more fun for me to praise you than your parents though Buster: You can't just ambush me like that Buster: You're too fucking hot, its dangerous Rio: I know Rio: you still have to work out when we can be alone Buster: Remember when we were younger and she could never stay up as late as me, that's still true Buster: Never gets up as early either Buster: Or comes to see me fight, so she has no idea how long that lasts Rio: This is why I like you best Rio: never enough time but definitely better than we have had Buster: I'll make more, those are just the most obvious Rio: I can't wait to see you again Rio: like actually, I'm sick of not being with you Buster: I feel that too Buster: You'll have to get some new habits we can make the most of for the weekend, like taking really, really long baths Rio: That sounds pretty fucking good anyway Rio: I'm fine with being that bitch Buster: And it's not your fault that her en-suite doesn't have a tub in it Rio: 🤷 Rio: needs must Buster: You're an animal person too, right? So you have an idea how much exercise this dog needs Buster: And how easy my sister is to distract on a walk as long as she's got her 📷 Rio: True Rio: you really are helpful, like Rio: 🤴 Buster: I've had loads of time to think about how helpful I could and wanna be to you Buster: Like you said, needs must Rio: I know what you mean Rio: I just can't believe its actually gonna happen outside of my head Buster: You'll believe it, baby Buster: You won't be able to deny it Rio: Good Rio: That's all I want Rio: for it to be real Buster: I know, me too Buster: But nothing's ever been more real than how I feel about you Rio: I'm so Rio: how do you exist and how are you so perfect for me Buster: The first one is a question for my parents that I ain't asking 'em Buster: We're perfect for each other though Rio: Fair 😏 Buster: How are you then? Buster: Other than perfect and missing me Rio: Ugh, bored Rio: been on my best behaviour too to increase the chance of a yes Rio: school is really boring when you just do the work, like Rio: how about you? Buster: Same Buster: I haven't been out or fuck all 'cause I thought I was gonna be the one to put the idea to my parents Buster: Cheers Nance Rio: Baby 😞 Rio: We can go out Buster: You're worth it and I wouldn't wanna be on their shit list while you're here Buster: This way we can go anywhere and do anything you want Rio: It will be worth it Rio: every second Buster: I know Rio: I convinced Edie to do the boxing with me Rio: she liked it Rio: maybe one time I can bring her to see you Rio: after I've had some time just for me, selfish like that Buster: I'll teach her some more shit when I'm next back Buster: If she wants Rio: I think she would Rio: you might get a queue though Rio: Indie and Janis then has to have a go, like Buster: They should all know how to protect themselves anyway Buster: Nance won't let me show her Buster: Some man hater she actually is, like Rio: She's very Rio: a pacifist, I think we'll call it Buster: You can call her a pussy, I won't tell her Buster: I'll teach you again too, so you're safe when I'm not there Rio: I'll stick with my word, like Rio: You don't need to worry about me Rio: I can look after myself Buster: Let me show you and I won't need to worry about you 'cause you'll be able to look after yourself even better Rio: You can just say you wanna pin me, its fine 😏 Buster: I could but I reckon it goes without saying Rio: Oh but I like hearing it Buster: Oh, in that case Buster: [voice memo time] Rio: oh Rio: well, fuck Buster: Bored ain't the word now, is it, babe? Rio: I can't think of any words Buster: Let me help you Buster: [another voice memo cos he's extra] Rio: Buster Rio: you're making me Buster: Rio Buster: I wanna make you Rio: What are you gonna do when you first see me again? Buster: Everything we didn't have time for Buster: And everything we did Buster: But slower Rio: You're trying to kill me, I swear Buster: That wouldn't be very 🤴 of me Rio: I think you're something different than a prince Rio: better than but definitely no prince I've ever seen Buster: Tell me Buster: I wanna hear what you think Rio: A king Rio: maybe Rio: that's better than a prince Buster: You just wanna be a queen and get a crown instead of a tiara Buster: Okay, you've got it Rio: Don't I deserve it? Rio: besides, princes are only good for slaying dragons and evil stepmums and I don't want you for that Rio: I wanna rule with you Buster: 'Course you do Buster: But you can have more than just a castle, you know Rio: Yeah? Buster: There ain't no limits for us Rio: two castles Rio: and a penthouse Rio: and a mansion Buster: And every car you said you wanted when we played that game, yeah? Rio: Exactly Rio: Do you still wanna be a footballer? Buster: I wasn't scouted Buster: They pick kids up well young now, like Rio: I won't have to fight any WAGs at least Rio: and you're gonna be the best defense lawyer ever Buster: Shame, there's a fight I wanna watch Rio: 🙄 oi Buster: Come on, don't you wanna let 'em know that I'm yours Rio: There are other ways Buster: I'm not saying you can't do those as well Rio: I bet so many girls at your school fancy you Buster: Yeah they do Rio: but you like me best Buster: I only like you Rio: Good Rio: I've only ever liked you Buster: What about your ex? You said you liked him Rio: Not the same Rio: nothing close Buster: Good Rio: You knew that Rio: I can't like anyone else whilst I still like you Buster: I wanted to hear it again though Buster: 'Cause I really miss you Rio: Well my da just came in so give me five to convince him and I'll basically be on my way Buster: Okay Rio: [time lbr he's a pushover especially for her so not long lol] Rio: 😁😁😁 Buster: Thank fuck Buster: If he'd said no I'd be getting on a plane instead and that ain't best behaviour Rio: I was pretty sure he would, but your parents had called ahead so didn't even need to worry Buster: 'Course they would've Buster: I didn't even think about that Rio: I owe Nancy harder than she can know, like Buster: As much as that winds me up Rio: You're clearly gonna get the IOUs, and without having to put in as much work Rio: think of it that way Buster: I know, but I can't help also thinking if she wasn't around it could just be me and you Rio: Yeah Rio: but there's no way we can swing that Rio: not yet anyway Rio: when we're older I can get a hotel or something instead Buster: Yeah Buster: And it'll be easy to sneak off when we come back to Dublin, fam functions are always a free for all anyway and St Paddy's is the messiest by far Rio: Seriously Rio: we can do anything Rio: be loud as we want too Buster: What a fucking relief Buster: I'm sick of holding back so nobody hears us Rio: its so rude Rio: I've been waiting to hear you for so long Rio: I should be able to whenever I want Buster: Rio Rio: Yes? Buster: I'm so glad that your parents got married and mine made me go Rio: Me too Rio: I already feel like we wasted loads of time but it could've been so much longer Rio: or never Buster: The night before when I was at that party I was convinced it was gonna be never Rio: We'd silently agreed that it was Rio: I guess Buster: The thought of seeing you was such a headfuck Buster: Now it's all I want Rio: Are we insane Buster: Maybe Buster: But I don't care, as long as we both are Rio: Me either Rio: we can do this, can't we Rio: it doesn't need to be the drama we were scared it would be Buster: You know we can do anything Buster: It'll only be a drama if other people find out, which they won't Rio: Exactly, not amateurs Buster: Never have been Buster: Well, except when I headbutted you in the face Buster: That was pretty amateurish of me, like Rio: You were so adorable Buster: Shut up Rio: You were though Rio: it was really hard not to kiss you but you wouldn't let me Buster: I hurt you, it scared me Rio: Baby Rio: you're so pure Buster: No I'm not Buster: You are Rio: Its a good thing Buster: I'm surrounded by cunts, remember Rio: I know Rio: I know you have to be different Rio: but not when you're just with me Buster: They'll never change us Buster: Nothing will Rio: It can't Rio: like you said, we both tried Buster: Exactly, if I can't do it, they've got no chance Rio: Facts Rio: Also no lie how hot you are Buster: Good Buster: Don't lie to me Buster: No matter what Rio: I won't Rio: you don't to me Rio: whatever, I can handle it, alright Buster: I know you can Buster: And I know that we can't tell anyone but can I at least tell the girls at school that I'm not single so they fuck off? Rio: You want to? Buster: It's fine if you don't want me to, it's just that loads of 'em message me all the time Rio: It's cool with me, if you want to do it Rio: I mean, really cool Buster: You're so cute, stop it Rio: I was thinking we'd have to have that conversation Rio: and I didn't think it'd go that way Buster: How did you think it'd go? Rio: That we'd agree to see other people too and I'd just have to not think about it ever Buster: Baby, no Rio: This is why you're the best Rio: because I really don't wanna do that Buster: I'm not sharing you with anyone, end of Rio: I don't wanna be shared Rio: I wanna be yours Buster: You are mine Buster: So why would I kiss any more girls pretending they're you? Buster: I'm not stupid Rio: You're everything I need Rio: This weekend is going to be everything you've ever imagined Buster: Yeah I am and it will Buster: I don't need or want anyone else to touch me ever again Rio: I'm never going to get tired of touching you Rio: hearing you, tasting you, none of it Buster: Don't Rio: How could I Rio: I'm not stupid Buster: I love you Rio: I love you too Rio: its so Rio: to finally say it Buster: I wanted to say it in person first but I really fucking love you Buster: Waiting to say it seems stupid Buster: Like you said, we've wasted loads of time already Rio: Well I might be crying so that's probably for the best Rio: slightly less embarrassing Buster: I told you not to when I'm not there to wipe your tears away Rio: Only happy tears Rio: promise Buster: But still Rio: Okay, no more tears, I'm fine, this is all so casual Buster: I'll distract you Buster: Pick a game Rio: play MASH with me again Rio: I want a better future Buster: You're gonna be every one of my crushes though Rio: Of course Buster: And I'm gonna give you the best future no matter what it says Rio: Tell me about it Rio: we don't need a game Buster: What do you wanna know? Rio: What our futures gonna look like Buster: Well, we'll live there obviously 'cause it's always been home but we'll have loads of other houses anywhere else we want Buster: Like America when I go study at Havard Buster: Or in Brazil for when you miss it Rio: you'll love Brazil Rio: its like a party all the time Buster: I hate that we can't go in the summer, it's shit not being old enough to go places like that on our own Rio: I know, always have to go everywhere with everyone else Rio: we'd have so much more fun just us Buster: When we're older, all you have to do is name a place and I'll take you there Rio: I wanna go everywhere with you Rio: its shit being anywhere you're not Buster: In the future you won't have to go anywhere without me Rio: Sounds like heaven Buster: You're like heaven, 'cause if there is one it'd be a place where I feel like this, right? Buster: Where I never have trouble sleeping or get angry about stupid shit and I get to kiss you as much as I want Rio: I want you to feel like that all the time, you know Rio: you should, you deserve it Buster: You make me feel better than I thought it was possible to Buster: Being with you has been like, not a dream 'cause mine are shit, but a worthwhile reality or whatever Rio: I feel it too Rio: you make me feel safe, and not just because you taught me how to fight Rio: and seen, but not how everyone else sees me Buster: You are safe, I meant it when I said I'd do anything for you Buster: And yeah, I know you, the same way you know me Rio: I believe you, I knew that even when we weren't talking Buster: Nothing and nobody's gonna make you feel shit 'cause they'd have to go through me to try it Buster: That's always gonna be true even if one day you don't love me any more Rio: That day won't come Buster: Good Rio: I've always loved you Buster: I've always loved you too Rio: I'm scared I'll wake up and none of this has happened Buster: If that ever happened all you'd have to do is wake me up as well and let me prove to you how real it is Rio: Okay Rio: I might ask for some proof, even if I don't actually need it, 'cos that sounds 🤤 Buster: You can have whatever you ask for Buster: And loads of shit you don't that I'm just in the mood for Buster: Or I know that you'd like too Rio: I want what you want Rio: that's what I like, making you happy Buster: See, you're the one that's pure Rio: Depends what you want Buster: I want you Rio: I'm yours forever Buster: You're in every fantasy I ever had, you know Buster: My imagination is full of you Rio: It doesn't have to be just imagination now Buster: Until you're here though Buster: But I've waited way longer before Rio: Counting down the hours pretty much Buster: If you hadn't told me to get something that reminds me of you it'd be so much harder Buster: I'll have to give you something you can take back Rio: What did you get? Buster: Didn't I tell you? Buster: I found the perfume you were wearing to the party Rio: How did you even remember Rio: that's so Buster: How could I forget? Rio: I love you Rio: and I'm so glad its you, you know Rio: if I loved anyone else I'd be disappointed Buster: I'll never disappoint you and I know you couldn't do it to me either Buster: I love you so much, Rio Rio: I won't Rio: I'll be perfect, trust me Buster: You are and I do Rio: You ain't seen nothing yet, like Rio: don't know just how 😇 I can be Buster: Well, I don't like not knowing things Buster: You better show me Rio: When I'm there Rio: patience is a virtue and all Buster: We've both been patient enough Rio: You think we'll both still get in? 🙏 Buster: I told you, I'm already there Rio: Me too Rio: How do you do that? Rio: Make me feel this good without even being here Rio: That's some godlike power, never mind being a king, THE king Rio: fuck Buster: Jesus Buster: I thought we couldn't have more fun than when I make it difficult for you to talk but if you're gonna keep saying shit like that, I'm gonna change my mind Rio: Both Rio: we can definitely do both Buster: I'm not letting you leave London until we do Rio: I'm in no rush to leave Buster: I couldn't be in more of a rush to get you here though Rio: Seriously Rio: what should I bring Buster: Obviously your highest heels Rio: Of course Rio: not that you need the excuse now Buster: Depends where we are Buster: I'll take any excuse if I have to, like Rio: That's true Rio: and who with, obviously Rio: I won't wear them on the plane, they probably count as a deadly weapon Buster: I'll still carry your bags and you Rio: Maybe wait 'til your parents aren't there though Rio: at least with me Buster: They're always on at me to have better manners Buster: But fine Rio: 😏 Rio: You can see how well it goes over but might ruin all your hard 😇 work Buster: Like I said, you're worth it Rio: 😊 Buster: And we've got our own heaven whenever we want it, so there's no need for me to worry about what happens if they wanna kill me Rio: 'cept you did promise you wouldn't die Buster: Babe, come on, they can try, it don't mean they'll succeed Buster: You know me better than that Rio: Yeah, I do Rio: its just gonna be hard to not immediately kiss you, that's all Buster: So we'll find a way Rio: Yeah? Buster: There has to be one Buster: If nothing else give 'em the wrong gate and give me the one you're actually coming in at Rio: 😂 Rio: I don't think they're falling for that Rio: like you said, we've waited longer Buster: That's the last resort, I'll think of something that'll work better Rio: I have all the faith in you, like Rio: also have too many clothes for a weekend Rio: hmm Buster: Shame I can't say you won't be needing 'em Buster: Not until we have our own place anyway Rio: then clothing is pretty much not allowed unless you look really, really good in it Rio: 'cos then I need to take it off you myself, obviously Buster: You look as good in everything you wear as you do out of it, so I'm honestly fine with that rule Buster: But for now, leave space in your suitcase for everything of mine I'm gonna give you Buster: And everything I'm gonna buy you Rio: 😍😍😍 Rio: I'm hearing check a bag instead of doing carry-on Rio: I want your comfiest clothes but they gotta smell like you a lot so put 'em on now, like Buster: Check a bag so I can get in it and come home with you Buster: [selfie of him wearing that loungewear that you know is pricey af and looks so good on him cos that bitch] Buster: If I'm not careful they're gonna all smell like you too 'cause I made sure to spray my sheets Rio: damn Rio: we're gonna end up smelling like each other Rio: it'll be a good combo Rio: not mad about it at all Buster: Me either Rio: how do you do that Buster: You're gonna have to be more specific Rio: look like that Rio: all the time Buster: I could ask you the same question, you know Rio: How could I not fancy you, like Rio: who can blame me, yeah Buster: Don't ever stop, okay? Rio: I promise Rio: Its literally impossible so I ain't worried Rio: you don't need to be either Buster: Good Buster: I'll focus on how much I miss you instead Rio: I'm okay with that Rio: there's plenty I can do about that before I've even stepped foot on the plane Buster: This is why you're my fave Rio: I better be Buster: Who else could even come close? Rio: No one Rio: don't go find out for yourself yet, okay Buster: All I'd find out is how right you are about that and I already know that Buster: I don't waste my own time and I definitely won't waste yours on any of that kind of bullshit Rio: I can't keep telling you how amazing you are but like Rio: I also can't not if you keep upping it Buster: You can tell me anything Buster: The fact is, I need you, just you, end of Buster: I'm not just saying it as a compliment, like Rio: I feel it too Buster: This weekend I'm gonna make sure you do feel it Rio: please Buster: Everything you do and say gets to me Buster: But that especially Buster: You're gonna have to leave all your manners in Dublin or I'm not gonna be able to pick you up from the airport Rio: but Rio: okay Rio: do it Rio: how's that Buster: Oh fuck Buster: Well that's not any better, just different Rio: You'll have to make it so I can't say anything then, like you said Buster: Yeah Rio: 🤐 Buster: [sends her some more pics to try and test it like we're all gonna die if we don't figure it out] Rio: 😩😠 Buster: [a voice memo like gotta up the stakes here, do you though boy or are you just being rude] Rio: you aren't playing fair Rio: or nice Buster: None of my fam will from the moment you arrive Buster: They'll just get in the way of us Buster: But if you need me to call a truce for right now, tell me Rio: No, you're right Rio: I can handle it Buster: I love you Buster: We can handle it Buster: Together Rio: We always have Rio: we can do this, I know it Buster: Exactly Buster: It'll be easy compared to some of the other shit we've done Buster: And even if it ain't, fuck all's harder than pretending I didn't care and I did that for ages Rio: I'm sorry Rio: that you had to do that Rio: that you do Buster: Don't Buster: It's not your fault and you never told me to do it Rio: I'm still sorry about it Rio: I wanna be good to you, even if we have to hide it Buster: I know and you are Buster: You were even when I wouldn't let you be Rio: do you wish it was someone else Rio: so it'd be easier Buster: No Buster: Fuck easy, who am I, like Buster: Shit's not worth having unless you fight for it Buster: And I'm ready to do that for you now Rio: I love you

#14 - "I'm feeling chaotic today." If you don't mind it!

It wasn’t often thatRey woke up late. She was an early riser; from a young age, an internal alarmhad been set within her to wake with the rising sun. With a whole day ahead,she liked to cram in as much as possible and not waste a single second.

This morning,however, was different. As Christmas loomed, the cold weather came to strike.The early morning sunshine was quickly replaced with a bland, overcast sky,heavier blankets and covers were added to the bed and day after day, it got a littleharder to follow through her routine when she could nestle in deeper intothe mattress – or better yet, the solid slab of warmth that sleptbeside her.

Only, Ben wasn’tbeside her that morning, the empty space cold and disappointing to her tiredtouch. Perhaps it was selfish of her to crave the weekend morning snuggles sodesperately; to want an extra hour or two before she started on the laundry. Ithappened so rarely that when the feeling hit, it hit hard.

And so it was with adeep scowl that she woke at half-nine, blearily stumbling out of bed with thethick duvet wrapped around the top o her head tightly – like a snugly cocoonedcaterpillar, walking to the kitchen on shaky legs, eager to collect herboyfriend and take him back to bed.

Too bad she didn’t getthat far.

Rey halted uponexiting the bedroom, the change in the air instantly apparent as the sweet, sweetsmell from the kitchen wafted around her; so powerful, she could lift heraching ankles that little bit more while striding to the kitchen.

Standing in thearchway, Rey took a few seconds to admire the truly wonderous back BenSolo possessed; like a sculptured stature, he stood tall and proud, the musclesjumping while he whisked away at a bowl. His hair was a mess of curls andtangles, untamed by sleep, and his arse begged for attention in thetrousers he wore that hung low on his hips.

“Oh fuck.” Her hazel gaze waspulled up, to his own heady dark eyes that were oh-so-wide and open.“You’re supposed to be bed. I wanted to surprised you.”

She glanced aroundthe kitchen; to the assorted fruits on one platter, the bacon sizzling in thepan on the stove, the bread still waiting on being pushed into the toaster andthe orange juice he’d squeezed himself.

“Consider mesurprised.” She croaked, shuffling her way by sliding her socks againstthe wood, right to his open and bare chest that looked terribly inviting to herwandering eyes. Instantly, he placed the bowl on the counter, pulling her intohis arms and resting his chin on the duvet. He pulled back briefly, one handcoming to tilt her face up and meet his soft lips with her own.

Short and chaste and sobloody good, how was he so good at that? How was he so good ateverything?

“S’ this allfor?”

“You.” Heanswered softly, returning to whisk the eggs with a strong grip on the whisk.

“Mmm,” Shehummed, burying her head into his shoulder. “Why?”

“I, uh. I’m notsure. Just felt like… doing this for you.” She smiled into his back, herlips pressing softly against the freckled skin. “I’m uh… I’m feelingchaotic, today.”

She snorted.“Chaotic. What does that entail?”

“I’m, uh, notquite sure. Just feel very energetic.”

“Ah.” Shemurmured. “Well we could go for a run, after breakfast.” Though,she’d need to be able to open her eyes for more than ten seconds and actuallywake up first. “Maybe gym a little. Or we could just have sex,like, all day. Which, if I’m completely honest, sounds like the best option forus, I think–”

“Marry me.”

She froze at thesudden intrusion, slowly lifting her head from his back. He didn’t turn, withhis shoulders slightly hunched and his head bowed down, she could only wonderwhat was going through that confusing head of his.

“What?” Sheasked quietly, barely believe the words she’d processed after a dead-silentminute or two.

Finally, he turned.His eyes were thick and heavy as they bore into her own, lips pouting theslightest of pouts that was always showing when he was nervous. “I, um –will you marry me?” He looked away, raking his long fingers through hishair in one sharp swift. “I know it’s a terrible fucking proposal – I wasplanning to do it tonight but, fuck Rey, I couldn’t wait all day becauseI’d explode otherwise and I… I want to marry you; to spend the rest of my lifewith you. And I was, well, wondering…if you’d be interested…in that.”

She blinked up athim, taking in the bob to his throat as he swallowed thickly; the flush to hisears that she loved to nibble to deepen the flush; the eyes that hadtaken her fancy the second she’d viewed them.

“Yes.” Sheblurted out, quickly, nodding her head intensely, a bout of happiness burstingwithin her that was unlike any other emotion she’d ever experienced. “Yesplease.”

“Yesplease?” He repeated, his body sinking into the counter from relief asa slow grin spread across his face.

“Yes, I want tomarry you, git.”

His hands found theedges to the duvet framing her face, tugging her to his lips once more withlittle-to-no force. “Thank you, sweetheart.”

She would’ve slappedhim had he not been kissing her so delicately; a weakness he knew. And truly,she could do this all day – for every day now, apparently; a small detail thatsoared hight in her chest and spread a patch of warmth through her veins.  

Pop.

They pulled away, Reyquick to check over his shoulder with curious eyes. “Your bacon isburning.”

Ben only wrapped hisarms around her waist, ignoring the comment in favour of exploring her lipsonce more.

Story time

Suicidal thoughts run keen through my head. Driving through Krakow country side I saw a housing estate next to lovely tall trees - forest like - and thought what a lovely area to be able to play as children. Then I wondered which is the tallest tree could I hang myself from? No former context, no sadness, just my empty emotions triggering my brain to tell myself I should be dead. This is how my life is now.

I dream most days and nights of my life ending in disasters. Lachesism. I say I'm scared of when lorrys drive to close or fast past me. But I'm scared for the moments when they don't kill me. People point out that I drive recklessly because they are afraid of the end; I'm not afraid. Driving that way feels like freedom, my chance to escape, even with intent to cause self harm.

I don't want a grave stone, I don't want my ashes to be spread. I want my organs donated and the rest burnt. The ashes can be used in cooking because I am one spicy mother fucker! Joking!! Don't worry, I really just want them turned in to jewelry so I can still shine while I'm gone.

The ironic thing about my situation is that I want to die to end my suffocating thoughts but at the same time I still have little bits of me that knows some of my self worth. Contradictory as it may be, I probably laugh and smile everyday without a doubt but my thoughts of disaster never leave. I work and study hard but I'm still occasionally believe I am a failure in my mind; like I'm always worse than everyone in the room. I love people and helping out everyone, but I think everyone hates me and would be better off not having me around. It's complicated in my mind.

I feel on the road to recovery, I can admit that I'm not okay when I don't feel okay, I know the past history that has gotten me to how I am and I'm seeking help; 3rd increase dose of Anti-depressants, Cognative Behavioural Therapy and many other forms of help I can get. I have supportive friends and family, I'm very lucky that I have my dream career job and I get to go on amazing holidays like just travelling in Poland for the past weekend. I just don't know what it is that drives myself hatrid other than... well myself.

It's a viscious cycle that I can't get escape. I'm motivated and feeling fine one day, something goes wrong very easily that affects me for weeks and then I find a little bit of motivation to build myself back up and it happens again... and again... and again. I try and count my blessings but in order to do that I draw Venn diagrams to see the wrong, okay and right things in my life. It's an occasional thing and the amount of varience I get each time seems like a uncoordinating joke. But It gives me a sense of assurance when things are okay or right for a few weeks in a row.

I've been taught many coping mechanisms in my past 4 years of anxiety and depression. Even writing them down in this form feels weirdly like a strategy. I'm explaining my dark and ugly, following my long journey ahead, and explaining what works for me. Even if one person gains usefulness then this is all worth it.

As we are on the topic of helpfulness: I like being helpful - it gives me a purpose other than selfish motives. If I've been helpful to one person and not to the rest of the crowd I feel like a failure. I desire to be the famous hero who didn't do it for fame but for the sheer enjoyment of people liking them and for a purpose in other people's lives. So I try to help - I volunteer at my local explorer scout group, I help raise and organise charity events, I help and support friends and family. I even try to go the extra mile at work to raise awareness of women in engineering to help inspire and shape them little girls to be the change our industry needs. I also help educate teams on mental well-being and illnesses with in the work place to bring the awareness to here and now.

All positive were written there, but the underlying negative abuse I hurl at myself for everything I've not been enough help on or not doing at all hurts:

"I'm not helpful I'm just in the way, I'm pathetic, I'm a waste of space, they don't need me, they'd be better off without me, it's not working you're a failure, you are making it more worse, stop trying you aren't a good person for doing it."

Just as them thoughts constantly pass through my mind another extreme example from this evening I write on - I was on the train back from Birmingham walking through derby station, I had the thought that I could run away on any train go ahead and not look back and when I'm on the train I can take every single tablet I own and swallow it to die. Or i could come back another night with a home made bomb and make sure I'm in a carraige with no people in it. Why not die? Make it a dramatic escape. Even in the last few typed words I had the thought of jumping in front of a train which would take no effort and only affect 1 person's life than my own. Why do I have these thoughts? Am I a physco path planning my death at every opportunity?

Reading back the first few paragraphs I see how contradicting my thought patterns are. Living with Anxiety and Depression for me is being followed by a voice, it knowing all my insicurities and how to use them against me. It gets to a point where it's the loudest voice in a room, that I can't hear anything else. I don't remember a time when it wasn't like this, when the voices didn't make me feel empty and alone inside. What's even worse is a lot of the people I have opened my heart to have let me down, causing me to shut down further.

My past history is not brilliant, I never felt secure with my friends, I was harassed in college and I've always struggled to maintain my apperance. I've been through some tough break ups of friends and partners and my relationships with family has not always been stable. One thing I find hard is to love myself and know myself worth when the people around you don't like you and tell you that you aren't good enough. But through all this at the same time I've had some amazing times.

I do want to be happy. I just feel useless most days. I try not to complain but the grass isn't always greener and I feel in constant mud. It sounds pathetic but I feel like I'm in a rut. At the moment everything is fine with friends and work. It I don't feel important. I don't feel as if there is any worth to my day's. I get up, go to work, and then do nothing until I get home and sleep. I mean sure I go to netball, dance, yoga and I volunteer at a scout group but it doesn't feel like I'm doing any of it for myself and I'm slowly giving up on trying to please those around me.

But I guess I do it for the hope of my future, for the one, for the wedding, for the kids, for the house, for the lazy Sunday morning lie ins with the loved ones. It's all a fantasy.

Tonight at explorers we were doing first aid training and one scenario was that one of the boys had a cut on his wrist and he was bleeding out. Through those discussions I was thinking how I could slit my wrists and drown in the bath and no one would be able to put me in the recovery position. Another perfect idea but inconveniencing whomever finds me. It doesn't sicken me thinking of myself this way. Maybe it's how I'm meant to be.

My mum tells me I should think positive thoughts but it's like an urge to plan how I should die. Another disaster I saw was a crash this morning. I wish I was in the place of the other person.

Not paying attention to lectures is becoming a really bad habit. I still haven't started writing for my digital assignment which is due in 5 days! But I have decided I would like to end up working for the Naval group in Adelaide Australia! I finally have an aim!! It feels good and when I travel there next year I will get to see if it's what I desire!

Another person has just unfriended me on Snapchat? What the hell have I done wrong now? I'm getting sick of being made out to be the bad guy all of the time :/ And now Facebook!! All for shutting him down over complaining that people can't be themselves or get offended. I've had enough of this work force, it literally is a battle every week just to keep peace. I don't want to listen to your political opinion every 2 minutes I'm sorry but I'm here to work. The ignorance of some people.

Do you know what I'm going to work my arse off and start this assignment today and prepare the manufacturing question to prove to the haters that they only make me more powerful :) oh the contrast in these paragraphs is funny.

This afternoon I spoke to my mum on how all my emotional trauma started. She understands now and it feels like a relief to be honest. I've just been to netball and I feel like I've played really well!

I have decided on a main goal within my career! Naval group Adalaide Australia! (Not long term but a few years in Australia won't do me harm in my life time! Now I've explored the majority of Europe it's time to step in to the big leagues!) Naval group design submarines for the Australian Navy and with my career path I hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to try and apply for a job there some day in the next 15 years! Now I just need to maintain motivation.

What to do when motivation is running low in the future:

• Find the worth of what you are doing

• research and re-inspire!

• be powerful enough to overcome the ruts!

• believe in yourself - you are capable!

• remove any distractions

I just read a quote that said 'don't worry darling this is just a chapter, not your whole story' and I thought well it's a fucking long one! I'm sat drinking mocha staring outside of a uni window in a corridor I look so depressed it's funny! I just needed to get away from the noise and the stress. I only want to talk to one person but he doesn't know that and it's starting to stress me out but it's my own fault for falling for him when he told me not to. On the plus side I definitely want a nice view in my house when i move to Aussie! I mean looking outside to wet britain it's really nice but sunny aus will be tonnes better!

I'm stressed, my brain hurts and I'm tired. I really want this assignment gone. I'm physically in pain from yoga and I'm exhausted :( moan moan moan moan I'm even pissing myself off. I could do with a power nap or somewhere comfortable to sit. I also miss my earphones :(

Just met a lovely man and had a chinwag it was distracting but it's nice to get to know people without it being depressing all the time!

I was in a one night stand with a 28 year old in a 7 year relationship. Put myself on tinder.

I'm tired of people they never fail to disappoint me

Netball is good though! Proper enjoyed chatting with everyone! Good stress relief and even though I haven't done much it took my mind off the crap earlier.

It's been a while

It's working

I feel ok

I'm no longer a mess

I can stop these thoughts

I counter act them

Not everyone hates me

Weekend Fun

Clare: smiled encouragingly at Stacy too. Song writing might not be easy but she didn't think it would take much for Dakota and Stacy to impress Peter. She giggled when Dakota kissed the side of her head. She was going to get spoiled with all of this affection. "I know but Josephine's not really your sister and you're not dating her. I just don't want my mom jumping to crazy conclusions. Especially since I am going to tell her the truth eventually. So not the kind of false first impression I want her to have of my boyfriend." Clare crinkled up her nose. "You really don't mind? I feel bad about dragging you and Josephine into this." Clare told Stacy. She barely knew Stacy and hadn't even met Josephine yet and here she was insisting she had to introduce them to her mom to keep a cover story going. "I'll make sure Dad isn't home when Josephine comes over. He's at work ninety percent of the time anyway and doesn't really care about meeting my friends as long as Mom knows who they are." Clare sighed. "Yeah, they believe teen parents who keep their kids are selfish. So I doubt they're going to be too thrilled with your situation either, at first. They'll come around." She knew kids with more rigid parents than hers. Her mom and dad just needed to learn how to stop making broad (untrue) generalizations. "Okay it would be better to wait until we're serious." Clare agreed. They'd just started dating. She finally quieted down when Kelly mentioned putting it off until they got engaged and everyone agreed that Kelly was good at predicting these things. Clare smiled a bit and went back to eating her salad, blushing a little. She nodded about Josephine. "It's really good she has you for a friend." She'd just finished her salad and started eating her coconut shrimp when she realized everyone else was closer to being done than her. Clare listened to Dakota talk without commenting much until she was through eating. "Emi will be a huge help, we can read the signs out loud and ask her what they mean." She grinned at the mention of summer festivals. "Do they have fireworks, or singing and dancing at them?" Clare asked excitedly. She'd love going to a festival. She was sure they had food booths and souvenirs to buy too. "Those are the really pretty colorful dress-like robes with the bows right?" Clare had seen pictures of Japanese women and children wearing them. Men too, just a different version. She listened Dakota describe who in his family had gone where. "I'd love to hear all about New York later. I dream about moving there sometimes but I've never been." Clare smiled at Dakota. "Uh-huh." She agreed not wanting to expose Emi to her mom anymore than he did. "We will have to set up. My own cheering section, yay!" Clare said pleased. "Perfect. Exactly what I was thinking." She leaned over and kissed Dakota's cheek. "I'd love to go on a date to the aquarium. True but it won't be a problem." She watched Dakota interact with Emi. When the chocolate cake arrived boxed up to go, the waiter brought the check too.

Kota: listened as Clare mentioned her parents and them lying to them too much and nodded. "I agree we shouldn't do more damage than we have to and we'll tell them about Emi when the time comes." he smiled and looked at Stacy. "I'm not really dragged into this. Kota is like my brother so to me I'm helping him. I really don't mind at all as long as it's beneficial in the long run and I don't think Jose will mind as long as your dad isn't around." Stacy assured and Kota smiled at Clare. "See no worries." he added. "You can say Jos is your sister. I'm going to adopt her one day." his mom said grabbing his attention. "What?" he asked. "I am, I've been trying to and I finally got an answer. They'll talk to Jos tomorrow night and see. I know she said no last time, but I think that's because she was here and less exposed to her dad. I mean I know more than you do, Kota, her mom is just afraid to tell you and Jos is too scared to. Don't worry she's alright. It's just the school can't keep her dad from calling and often makes her talk to him which is why she calls you at weird hours." she explained. "Yea I have my phone off during school because of that." he nodded. "Is that why the guest room is blocked off?" Ash asked. "Well the guest room needs to be built. I guess guests can sleep in my mom's room." their mom trailed off. "Clare, you're sleeping in my room when you stay, Emi will sleep in with Kelly." Kota stated. "Same with Stacy." Dallas said. "Grandmother's room is one place I'm not setting foot in. I like her and all, but she kind of creeps me out now." Stacy stated. "She creeps us all out like we'll go in there, water her plants and boom there she is demanding we do something about her cold feet." Dallas said and Kota laughed. "Yes, lets plan to exhume her and cover her feet up. Right up on the top of my to-do list along for going to jail for breaking and entering." Kota laughed sarcastically. "Not to mention, her TV works. I walked by the door was open for a change, Jeopardy was on and her rocking chair was moving. I said good night, heard her tell me she loves me and closed the door for her. I'm pretty sure if I can see her rocking chair move from her sitting in it, she can pick up a shoe. Beware of pissing her off. And I'm pretty sure Clare doesn't want to get woken up in the middle of the night by anyone let alone an old lady who haunts her bedroom." he added. "She gives me candy." Emi said softly. "Ew, Emi don't eat that." Kota stated. "You could get sick." he added. "No the candy's fresh. I refill it when it runs out." Ash added. "Right, like you have extra money to splurge on candy for a candy dish owned by a woman who died a few years ago and haunts her own room?" Kota asked. "I don't look at it like extra money, I look at is as helping the dead. Besides, she gets pissed when you lay in her bed and sleep without leaving her room. I fell asleep in there." Ash stated. "Me, too by accident. I went to dust and fell asleep on the chair. Grandmother woke me up though by running her hands through my hair." Kota shrugged and listened to Clare mention them reading the signs. "We can't read Kanji." everyone said at the same time and Kota looked at what Emi was drawing with a crayon the waiter left and the activity page for her. "Thank you." he whispered to her and took the page. "See this.." he said pointing to symbols that Emi drew on the page. "That's Emi's name in Kanji. I know because when I get her papers back from school, her name is at the top of the page in Kanji. They're fine with it because none of the other kids know how to write their name yet and since Emi likes to write her name they allow it. Besides no one else knows what that means. I didn't know it was called Kanji until Emi told me it was in Kanji." he chuckled a bit. "And I only know the sounds. I was learning the sounds in school back home. We don't get to learn how to write until second grade. Preschool is where we learn how to read sounds because they're our alphabet. I'm only able to write my name because it's in the alphabet, e and mi. I just put them together to get my name. It's written with about 30 strokes in Kanji." she explained and Kota looked at her, then to Clare. "Believe it or not the Japanese alphabet is 40ish letters and based off the vowels since they're the only thing in the alphabet by themselves." he shrugged and listened as Clare mentioned the festivals. "I want to go to the Fireworks Festival. They have games, booths, and food. Emi said during the festivals they have grilled octopus which I'm not eating." he said honestly. "But they do have other foods, grilled octopus seems to be a delicacy." he added. "There's no dancing at the Fireworks Festival, but I'll look up other ones tomorrow." he promised knowing he was curious about them too and listened when she asked about the Yukata. "Yes, they're the ones with the bows. I like wearing them too." Emi answered for Kota, she knew more about the clothing than he did. Hearing Clare ask about New York caused Kota to bite his lip. "I really don't remember it much, I was ten. What I do remember is going to Time Square and going to the massive Toys R Us, Disney Store, and bookstore and getting lost in them." he admitted. "They had to call my name over the speaker in each store." he added. Hearing Clare mention the robot wars caused him to chuckle a bit. "I'm not using pom-poms." he chuckled out. "But yes, essentially we will be your cheering section, minus the pom-poms, but we'll hold up a big banner with your name on it." he smiled and looked at her when she agreed to go on the date with him. "Great, I already have the tickets." he said honestly and kissed her chastely. Once the waiters walked out with desserts in boxes located inside bags, Kota took his bag along with Emi's and Clare's and put them inside his bag. Once the check was paid, Kota helped Clare up and watched Emi jump off the chair. "Off to home." he smiled and picked Emi up as she yawned. "Someone's tired." he said and kissed the top of her head as she rested it against his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. Once everyone filed in the van, Kota put Emi in her car seat and looked at Clare. "Can you carry our desserts inside when we get home?" he asked curiously.

Buster & Rio

Buster: [okay so like he sends whatever prom proposal idea I come up with which can't be a miscommunication cos it'll be like come to prom lol even if just in a letter or whatever we'll see. Boy you better pray Indie or Drew don't see that you extra bitch] Rio: I just got your present Buster: I'll buy you a plane ticket now then, yeah? Rio: You can't Rio: I really wanna go with you but it's a no go getting any more time off work Rio: and it's footie, it's proper hectic lately Buster: Just call in sick for a few days Rio: I've not got sick either, I used it all in that one go Rio: I'm sorry, it's shitty Buster: Fuck's sake Buster: Alright Rio: 🙁 Rio: Wish I could, it'd be fun Rio: so American Buster: Yeah, I wish you could too Buster: I'm gonna have to ask an American now Buster: What do you reckon, the girl who's at the top of her game now or the hot older girl who used to be where she is but now she's at college & back for the weekend, like? Rio: Any older girl who's gonna go to a high school prom that ain't her own reeks of tragedy Rio: you don't wanna relive the glory days, like Buster: Head Cheerleader & principal's daughter it is then Buster: That's easy enough Buster: Cheers babe Rio: May as well live the cliche as hard as you can Buster: Exactly Rio: Enjoy Buster: I already enjoyed her when I first got there Rio: Shut up Buster: At least I know she takes a good picture Buster: Last thing I need is to spend the entire night teaching her anything Rio: Right Buster: They take the asking so seriously, it's ridiculous Buster: I'm gonna have to get her a present now as well Rio: Can probably get this back to you in time Buster: You're alright Buster: It needs to be big & public Buster: That's how they do everything Rio: Fun Buster: That ain't the word Rio: Like I'm gonna feel bad for you? Buster: Like I said, I've done everything I wanted with her already, so you should Rio: Well I don't Rio: ask someone else then Buster: She's the one everyone's asking, it ain't a choice Buster: Besides, there's no cheerleaders left who I haven't also done the same with anyway Rio: You either want that or you want the other Rio: not a problem, either Buster: I never said it was a problem Buster: Just thinking aloud Rio: You said you want sympathy Rio: and I already told you to shut up Rio: so clearly Buster: Nah, I said I deserve it, not the same thing Buster: It's your fault so it's the least you could do Rio: Ha Rio: Now you're really being stupid, huh Buster: You're the one who turned me down, babe Buster: Don't get much stupider than that, like Rio: So that's what this is Rio: show me what I'm missing, like? Rio: I didn't turn YOU down, I have to work, Jesus Buster: What this is, is that you could make it happen if you really wanted to Buster: You don't have to work, not at that job at least, you're doing more than fine with your other one Rio: Yes I do Rio: because I can't tell people about the other job, can I Buster: Well, I can't bring you to my school prom back home, can I? Rio: I know that Buster: Act like it then Buster: Jesus, I just wanted to do one normal thing Rio: Me too Rio: I said I wanted to come Buster: Not enough to actually come though Buster: So forget it Rio: It's called responsibilities Rio: regardless of what I want or don't Rio: there's shit I have to do, don't act like you don't know Buster: Don't talk to me like I don't understand what the word means Buster: I have responsibilities of my own Buster: But I also understand how to prioritise, and yet again, it appears you can't Rio: You don't know Rio: having a job is different Buster: Yeah, it's more people relying on you so you can fulfil the need you have to be needed, above all Rio: You're gonna attack me now, yeah? Buster: If you're gonna act like you couldn't get fired from this job & get another before your parents or whoever else noticed Buster: Don't bullshit me that anyone's sitting you down & going through your finances Rio: You aren't from this world sometimes Rio: if I get fired, it follows me Rio: if I get a rep as unreliable, I can't just get whatever job I want Rio: you want it to be that simple but it ain't Buster: Quit then Buster: You can spin that however you like Rio: I can't just quit my job on your say so Buster: It's what you want, you said so Buster: Unless that's bullshit, obviously Rio: It isn't Rio: that's not a reasonable exchange Rio: there's lots of shit we're bound to want to do Rio: again, I can't just quit things for all of them Buster: If I wanna do something, I do it & when I say we can do anything, I mean it Buster: It's not just words to me Rio: Don't even Buster: You're either on the same level or you're not Rio: Not even close Rio: you've got no clue Buster: If getting one includes you telling me how hard your life is compared to mine again, I'd rather not Rio: You've put enough words into my mouth for one conversation, tah Rio: like I said, you'll get it when you've got a job Buster: Like I already as good as said just then, fuck you Buster: You've been patronising enough for one convo Rio: Well you've been unreasonable and plain rude Buster: Don't fucking tell me I'm unreasonable when all I do is wait around for you to fit me in between all your responsibilities which no, of course I don't have a clue about despite hearing about them all the time Buster: You're actually unbelievable Rio: How dare I talk to you Rio: about my life Rio: if that's what you wanted you should know how to do it by now Buster: No, how dare you act like I don't know or care about your life Buster: Whilst also belittling mine, but whatever that's a whole other convo we probably won't have 'cause I clearly don't wanna talk ever Rio: It's what you said Rio: you're getting mad like I'm plucking this out of thin air when all I'm doing is repeating your words back to you Buster: No, I'm getting mad 'cause you're treating me like a spoilt little bitch Buster: I don't have a job 'cause I study all the hours it's possible to without burning out so I can get the grades I need for the future I want Buster: That's my responsibility Buster: You're not the only one with things to do Rio: I know all that Rio: and I never said I was Rio: because I'm not the one out here telling you to quit all that to do something that I want you to do Rio: because it comes down to the fact that you don't think my shit is worthy enough Rio: that it's not really important so I can drop it all whenever Buster: Don't be stupid Buster: You should drop it 'cause it's not even close to what you want & we both know that Buster: Your job isn't worthy, it's a fucking front Buster: & If you don't start living for yourself instead of every fucker else you're gonna have bigger regrets than not going to prom with me Rio: It's a stepping stone Rio: you don't want to study, you have to Buster: I'm working towards something, you're putting an obstacle in your own way Rio: No, I'm not Buster: Whatever Rio: Exactly Buster: If by exactly you mean, we're done talking about this, then yeah Rio: No, I mean exactly, you don't value what I do Rio: but there's no need to go over it, agreed, you've made yourself clear Buster: Christ sake Buster: My entire point is I value you more than this bullshit you're choosing to prioritise over what you actually want Buster: I didn't realise being selfish once would be the death of you or the end of the fucking world as we know it, like Rio: I already did that Rio: I came to see you Buster: So what, never again? Buster: Cheers for clarifying that Rio: I'm just saying Rio: I've been selfish Rio: plenty Buster: 10 days don't come close to years Rio: How am I explaining that one then Buster: The fact you feel like you have to explain everything is literally the only thing I don't understand Rio: I do Rio: I can't just go Buster: Why not? Buster: Why can't you just ever say you're doing something for yourself, 'cause you want to Rio: Because it's not fair Rio: I'm sure Indie would love to just leave and all but she can't Buster: She's a kid, it's different Buster: When she's old enough I bet she won't look back Rio: Probably but she doesn't have anyone to look after Buster: Neither do you Rio: Well that ain't true Buster: Come on Buster: You know what I mean Rio: I do, but it's not true Buster: The truth is, you've taken on something you shouldn't have had to Buster: & Yeah sometimes I'm mad about it Buster: How are you not? Rio: What's the point? Buster: It's your life Buster: There's literally no other point than that Rio: if being mad changed anything, I'd have done it already Buster: It can Rio: Not with this Buster: 'Cause its gone on too long Buster: Let people help you Rio: Who Rio: who has the time but me Buster: This family is big enough that they could all chip in Rio: Of course they do Rio: I told you Rio: no one can handle her like me Buster: So tell her to calm the fuck down Rio: 😂 Rio: really Buster: Okay no, that wasn't serious Rio: Yeah, you're really being silly now Buster: Yeah well Buster: I just miss you Buster: Sorry, like Rio: I miss you too Rio: even if you were a total prick Buster: Baby Buster: I am sorry Rio: Okay Buster: It's not but I wanna make it Buster: Tell me how I can make it up to you Rio: It doesn't matter Rio: you were just disappointed, yeah Buster: It still matters Rio: I'll get over it Rio: you will too right Buster: You're so frustrating Buster: But yeah Rio: Why am I frustrating Buster: 'Cause you'll argue with me forever but when I wanna fix it you shut up so fast Rio: 'Cos you can't Rio: I still can't come Rio: so Buster: That doesn't mean I can't make you feel better now Buster: What else do you want? Rio: Take back the mean things you said Buster: Alright Rio: Say it then Buster: I take back all the cunty shit I said Rio: Okay Rio: thank you Rio: I didn't mean to be patronizing and whatever else you said so I take that back too Buster: Don't Buster: I thought I'd grown the fuck up over here but I guess not Rio: Come on Rio: you have Buster: You come on Rio: It's just an argument Rio: people always say the worst shit for affect Buster: I know how arguing works Buster: Be a shit lawyer if not Rio: Exactly Rio: you just wanted to win Buster: Yeah Buster: Of course Rio: I really did wanna come Buster: I know Rio: You'll still have a good time Buster: Obviously Buster: Capable of that anywhere at any time Buster: There's graffiti in the girls changing room that attests to what a good time I am, like Rio: 🙄 Rio: Why do you always do that Buster: What? Rio: Tell me about shit you know I don't want to hear Rio: I don't do that to you Buster: What can I say? Force of habit Rio: No Rio: you're a dick Rio: you aren't the only person to ever get laid, you know Buster: Good, 'cause without the competition me & my friends would have nothing to talk about Rio: Well I'm not one of your friends Rio: and you probably don't wanna compare notes Buster: Calm down Rio: No Rio: it's fucking annoying Buster: It's not a big deal Rio: Then stop doing it Rio: easy Buster: Don't tell me what to do Rio: Then don't talk to me Rio: if that's all you've got to say Buster: Fine Buster: I've got loads of shit to do Rio: Alright then Buster: [let's do a time skip lol] Buster: You're right & I'm wrong Buster: Talk to me again Rio: I'm sure but Rio: what about, exactly Buster: Like you said, I'm a dick Buster: I shouldn't have taken it out on you that I have to leave soon Rio: You wanna stay Buster: I don't wanna go back to London Rio: Is it better there Buster: It's different Rio: Yeah Rio: probably 'cos no one knows you Rio: that's always nice Buster: It's not real, none of it feels like it matters Buster: Who I am, what I do Buster: But then there's you & you are & you do Rio: It does matter, you do Rio: there's just Rio: loads of bullshit too Rio: doesn't mean you are Buster: You don't understand, I don't have to try at anything, it's all just easy & cliche Buster: Like a holiday Buster: But shit's still getting done Rio: You're bored Buster: Only boring people get bored Rio: That's bollocks Rio: like, put it on a poster nonsense Rio: You want a challenge, is what I'm saying Buster: That's 'cause I've seen it on a poster here Buster: I obviously don't, do I, 'cause back home is a challenge & I don't wanna be there Buster: It doesn't make sense Rio: A challenge you can still conquer, like Rio: some things are just shit and they always will be Rio: You know you've done everything there and it still is Buster: How do you always get what I mean Buster: I'm chatting shit & you still know Rio: Work in a pub, don't I Rio: nah, you know why Buster: I miss you so fucking much, Rio Rio: I miss you Rio: I'm sorry I'm not there Buster: Yeah, you are wrong about that Buster: I ain't having a good time Rio: Baby Rio: there'll be a good after-party, yeah Buster: & Someone did spike the punch til then so Rio: Of course Rio: did you get to go with that girl then? Buster: Of course Buster: You're the only girl who says no to me Rio: Mhmm 😏 Buster: Why I like you Rio: No it's not Buster: You know when it's a good idea & when it isn't Rio: Well, I'm not an idiot Buster: This girl is Rio: Yeah but that's irrelevant to why you asked her isn't it Buster: But it's bound to be relevant to why she agreed Rio: Are you admitting you're anything but a catch? Buster: Shut up Buster: I mean, she knows I don't do repeats Rio: You asked her to prom Rio: she obviously thinks she's special Buster: Like I said, she's an idiot Rio: Bit harsh Buster: Why are we talking about her? Rio: I don't know Rio: what do you want to talk about Buster: You Rio: What about me Buster: Tell me how you are Rio: You wanna know actually or you want me to make you feel better Buster: Don't lie to me Rio: It was a long shift Rio: and like I said, I've missed you Buster: I'm here now Buster: What can I do? Rio: I don't know Rio: because I want to ask something I know I can't Rio: I feel like an idiot Buster: There's nothing you can't ask me Rio: I can't tell you what to do Rio: and that's right Rio: but I really don't want you to sleep with anyone else Rio: tonight Rio: it should've been me and it just makes me feel Rio: sick Buster: I haven't been with anyone else since I kicked that girl out Buster: I only want you, you know that Rio: Really Buster: I told you that I was over it then, that I wanted to be different Buster: Was gonna be Rio: Yeah Rio: I remember Rio: it's not like I didn't believe you or anything Rio: it's just a long time Buster: & I'm a slut, yeah, it's alright you can say it Rio: I would've been nicer about it Rio: it's a habit, after a point Buster: It is & I broke it Rio: I'm impressed Rio: but more genuine than that sounds Buster: 😏 Buster: I'm genuinely impressive, again, you can say it Rio: Alright, maybe I'll say that one Rio: again, nicer, if you're lucky Buster: I feel lucky so go ahead Buster: Make my night Rio: Buster Rio: you're incredible Buster: I can't wait to make you say that to me again Buster: Like you really mean it Rio: I do mean it Rio: but I could always mean it more Buster: I know you could Rio: Have you posted? Rio: I wanna see what you look like but I didn't wanna look Buster: [sends her loads of selfies because you don't need to see his date that's not a mood] Rio: You're so handsome Rio: fuck sake Rio: 😍 Buster: Show me what you're wearing then Rio: nothing like a prom dress Buster: Still Buster: I wanna see you Rio: [selfies in whatever look she was rocking for work] Buster: You went to work like that? Rio: Yeah? Buster: No wonder it's busy Buster: You look so fucking good, I'd get on a plane just to be there & order a drink Buster: Jesus Rio: You're so Rio: nice ain't the word Buster: You're so Buster: Hot ain't the word Rio: You're making me feel weak again Buster: You better lie down then, babe Rio: You better lie me down, boy Buster: I'll lie you on this table Rio: Then what Buster: Then we'll show my date & everyone else here who I'm really with Rio: Shit Rio: why am I not there Buster: 'Cause you're a good person Buster: Who cares about more important shit than high school dances Buster: & Like you said, who goes to a prom at a school that ain't theirs Rio: that don't mean that I don't care about you Rio: or it's a stupid thing to care about Buster: I don't care about it, I only cared about going together Buster: I used to want to do the whole asking you out on a date thing when we were kids Rio: I care about that too, you know Rio: If we could just be normal Rio: we'd be good together Buster: We are good together Rio: Yeah Rio: but we'd be allowed Buster: Nobody can or is gonna stop me Buster: You're mine Rio: I am Rio: nothing's changed that Buster: Nothing will Rio: No Buster: I'm gonna come & see you as soon as I get back Buster: Nance can be my excuse Rio: You will probably have to speak to her to make that believeable Rio: but if you can handle that Buster: Nah, I'll say that's what I'm going there to do face to face, if my parents bother to ask me, I don't actually have to Rio: The longer you leave that, the less you'll know what to say, like Rio: but I wanna see you Rio: so do come, regardless Buster: There's nothing for me & her to say to each other Buster: I'm showing up for you Rio: or so much you don't know where to start Buster: Stop Rio: Okay Rio: we don't need to talk about that Buster: Like I said, there's nothing to talk about Buster: What's done is done Rio: Okay Rio: then come see me Buster: I intend to Rio: Good Rio: and everyone else will be at school so we'll have all the time for us Buster: Before I have to be again too anyway Rio: Yeah Rio: we can make the most Buster: I'll prop up the bar & double your tips Rio: You already got me a gift I didn't earn Buster: Are you admitting you're anything but a catch 'cause I wouldn't? Rio: I'm just saying Rio: you don't have to spoil me Buster: I haven't yet Buster: You'll know when I do Rio: Baby Buster: Did you like your presents, you never said? Rio: A lot Rio: you know Rio: you have good taste Buster: You have a good body Buster: It makes it easy Rio: 😚 Rio: Don't go to the gym as much as you but I try Buster: This summer you won't need to Buster: You're welcome in advance Rio: I'm not thanking you in advance Rio: gotta earn it Buster: You'll thank me whenever I want, I ain't forgotten how to make you Rio: 😳 Buster: Well, I made it through the chaperoned bullshit. Now the night really starts Buster: My date's mum was here, imagine mine agreeing to that 😂 Rio: And her dad, presumably Rio: that's wholesome Buster: I was tempted to fuck her purely for the audience but Rio: 🙄 Buster: You would too if you were this bored Rio: I wouldn't tell you about it Rio: how many times, boy 😏 Buster: Behave, I've already broken one habit for you Rio: I know what you're doing Rio: it's never been subtle, like Buster: What do you reckon I'm doing? Buster: Other than making my way to the after party, like Rio: You want me to be jealous Buster: No, I just want you Buster: It's been ages since you were here Rio: You struggling? Rio: Poor baby Buster: I don't struggle Rio: Nah? Buster: Did you forget who you're chatting to? Rio: I struggle Rio: loads Buster: Yeah? Rio: Every day Buster: How do you overcome it? Rio: I'll show you some time Buster: Why not now? Rio: 'cos your nights about to start Buster: It can start with you Rio: I don't think so Rio: I end things Buster: Prove it Buster: End me Rio: Fine Rio: [putting the outfit on to take it off vibes, a photoshoot] Buster: Oh Buster: Fuck Rio: May as well, yeah? Rio: not gonna let it go to waste Buster: You say that but if I was there, I'd ruin it Rio: That's never a waste Rio: I wanna be ruined too Buster: Fine but say thank you for whatever you want me to take off Buster: Manners are important to you, I know Rio: You're important to me Rio: and I wanna make you happy Rio: but these shoes Rio: I wanna keep them on Rio: so thank you for the dress Buster: I know why but you're still gonna have to stretch up for me, baby Rio: I'd rather bend down for you but if that's what you wanna see Buster: You can do both, we have time Rio: I can do so much more than that Buster: I'm well aware of what you're capable of Rio: [dress on the floor pic] Buster: I thought it couldn't look better than it did on you Rio: You should see the lingerie Buster: Show me Rio: Manners are important to me Buster: You don't need to thank me first we can just pull 'em to the side, it's alright Rio: Daddy Buster: Baby Rio: I've got the other present you bought me here too Rio: this is how you want me, or should I take the bra off? Buster: See, I told you the night's just starting Buster: Take it off, I want you to be comfortable Rio: then thank you for the bra Rio: and maybe Rio: but end it with me too Rio: okay Buster: Of course Buster: I wanna end every night with you Rio: I'm not getting you hard for any other bitch Buster: It's for you Rio: [Pic] Rio: I'm for you Rio: and I'm ready Buster: If you could hear the noise I just made, ready wouldn't be the word Rio: I'll get you to recreate it for me later Rio: where are you, are you there yet? Buster: Yeah, just got here Buster: I'm just taking a moment in the car alone before I go in Buster: Thanks to you Rio: I'm not gonna say sorry for wanting you for myself Rio: even just for a second Buster: Don't ever be sorry Buster: I'm yours for as long as you want Rio: Forever Rio: but you should have some fun tonight Rio: only fair Buster: I am Buster: More than fun Rio: I wanna have fun too Rio: tell me I can Buster: Do it Buster: I want you to have as much fun as you can Rio: Would you start slow Rio: or can I go hard already Buster: I couldn't go slow right now if I wanted to Rio: Thank God Rio: me either Rio: but I'm still trying to be 😇 Buster: You're so good Rio: Oh God Rio: You feel so good Buster: But I'm being so bad Buster: Anyone could come looking for me any second Rio: I think you wanna be caught Rio: almost as much as you want me right now Buster: I don't have a problem with anyone knowing how much I want you right now Rio: If how loud I'm being is anything to go by Rio: me either Buster: Where are you? Rio: I sorted out the balcony Rio: it's a nice night Buster: Have you said my name yet? Rio: I will Rio: I have to stop myself the rest of the time Rio: just in case anyone hears Rio: but should be safe and I really miss it Buster: That's the best thing about being here, I can say your name as often as I want Rio: You can't just say that and, fuck Rio: why couldn't either of us have a common name Rio: thanks, parents Buster: I just did & I am saying it 'cause I can't stop Buster: I don't know how I will when I have to but at least we can thank my parents for never being home Buster: That'll make it easier Rio: And you can come here, when they're both out Rio: it's not totally disgusting now, promise Buster: I'd come over even if it was Buster: I'd go anywhere for you Rio: See, you've definitely changed Rio: definitely would've called it ghetto or something not that long ago Buster: I can't spend all this time with you & not learn any manners Buster: I'm too smart Rio: 😂 Rio: You're too cute, is what you are Buster: You're too perfect is what you are Buster: It's no wonder I've fallen for you Rio: Buster Buster: Rio Rio: How drunk are you, babe? Buster: What kind of question is that? Rio: I'm just wondering how spiked the punch was Buster: I didn't spike it with brandy, like Buster: I'm fine Rio: Okay Rio: just checking Buster: You don't need to worry about me Buster: Just be here with me Rio: I'm here Rio: I'm totally yours Buster: Good Rio: I can't get over how good you look tonight Buster: [sends more pics] Rio: You're going to send me over the edge Buster: [even more pics] Buster: Go over for me Rio: How do you do this to me Rio: how can you have me like this from so far away Buster: 'Cause I love you Rio: Shit Buster: Don't you love me? Rio: No, it isn't that Buster: Tell me then Buster: Say you do Rio: We've never said this before Rio: you know Buster: Do you need to hear it again? Buster: I'm in love with you Rio: I love you Rio: please don't just be saying this Buster: Please just listen to me Rio: It was just unexpected Rio: but I'm listening, okay Buster: You think it's not unexpected for me? Rio: I don't know what I think really but no Rio: of course Buster: What you think is I'm off my face & chatting shit, yeah? Rio: No Rio: didn't say that Buster: You didn't have to Rio: I didn't say it so don't act like I did Buster: I told you how I feel so don't act like I don't mean it Rio: I'm not Buster: Okay Rio: Believe me that I believe you, yeah Buster: I want to, so yeah Rio: I'm not that bitch Buster: I know who you are Rio: Don't make it sound so threatening Buster: 😂 Rio: Well, it's a good thing the neighbours already hate this household Buster: We can always make 'em hate you more Rio: Yeah? Buster: Yeah Rio: How's the party? Buster: Standard Rio: Shame Rio: want the full teen drama cliches of some girl saving her v and then having a prom night baby Buster: Apparently fucking on prom night is myth Buster: So this lot all reckon Buster: Maybe they're just sluts like me though Rio: Rude Rio: could've left my illusions unshattered Buster: Behave, you're already living the dream Rio: 😏 Rio: American nightmare more appealing than actual problems though, obviously Buster: If you were here what cliche would you want? Rio: Entire football team, obviously Rio: #slaglife Buster: Don't Rio: Just a joke Buster: I hate it on so many levels Rio: I won't put it in my routine, like Rio: I don't know though, I can't imagine myself there Buster: You were though Rio: Yeah but properly Rio: I couldn't even do normal school and no one expects you to give a shit, really Rio: the idea of a pep rally and me is just Buster: You could but you didn't want to, firstly Buster: Secondly, I'm not properly here Rio: More properly than I could Rio: or most people, like Buster: The only place I properly am is with you Buster: That's the me that's closest to whatever the fuck I wanna be Rio: Good Rio: 'cos I like him Rio: and being with you Buster: I'm a headfuck, I know, but you're so important Rio: Who isn't Rio: I get you better than I get anyone else Buster: It's the only thing that's ever scared me, like actually Rio: Me knowing you? Buster: Yeah Rio: I didn't mean to Rio: but being scared doesn't have to be a bad thing Rio: you know Buster: It does. It is Rio: Why? Buster: It gets in the way of shit Buster: We'd have been here sooner if I wasn't Rio: Yeah but we might not have been ready Rio: you couldn't kiss, for starters Buster: Fuck off Rio: Couldn't resist but I actually mean it though Rio: we might've messed it all up Rio: who knows Buster: We already did that, loads of times Rio: but beyond repair Buster: There's no such thing Buster: Unless one of us died tragically young Rio: Well that's morbid Rio: you aren't killing me off to fuel your story, thanks Buster: The point is, there's always chances & choices Rio: Yeah, so we missed some then Rio: there's plenty more if we want them Buster: I want all of them Buster: Everything with you Rio: then they're yours Rio: ours Buster: I really fucking love you Rio: I love you Buster Rio: it's crazy saying that Rio: even if it's just typing Buster: Tell me I can come back now, there's only 3 days of school left here Rio 1. Can you afford to? 2. How much trouble will you be in with your school/parents? Buster: It's the perfect idea 'cause everyone here will think I've gone back home & everyone back home will think I'm still here like I'm supposed to be Buster: We can be together until I actually have to be back Rio: Okay, it does sound like it so what's the catch Rio: we don't get to just be together Buster: If anyone sees me in Dublin I'll be in loads of shit but just keep me out of sight Rio: Easily done Rio: Come back Buster: It's a week, we can do that, yeah? Buster: Nobody'll find out Rio: We've done longer Rio: I'll get a hotel for you this time Rio: I'd say stay 'cos Indie wouldn't tell but there's only 2 rooms so not gonna work Buster: & There's no way I could be quiet when I miss you this much Rio: Good point Rio: I forgot about that, she's out most the time I'm in but you know Rio: hotel, definitely Buster: I'm gonna go pack my shit up then Buster: That'll take a while Rio: another good point Rio: can we do this? Buster: We can do anything, babe Rio: Yeah Rio: I want you with me so bad Buster: I wanna be with you more than anything Buster: Just give me a few hours to pack & then I'll head to the airport before this party's even got good never mind finished Buster: They'll be going til morning & I'll be on my way by then Rio: I'm not gonna forget this, you know Rio: I'm gonna spoil you Buster: I'm not gonna stop you Rio: Priorities Rio: I'm gonna try harder Rio: okay Buster: I'll hold you to it, once I'm done holding you, like Rio: Do Rio: on both counts Buster: You're cute Buster: Really cute Rio: Cute like you wanna friendzone me now or cute like you wanna come here and fuck my brains out for a whole week Buster: There you go again asking a question that you know the answer to Buster: Cute like I'm doing lines so I can pack faster so I can get there ASAP Rio: There you go acting like you don't know I like to hear you Rio: remember you are gonna have to get through airport security in a bit, like 😂 Buster: It'll still be hours Buster: It's fine Rio: Good Rio: that's a cockblock too far Buster: I wouldn't let that happen Buster: I'm too determined to break another hotel bed Rio: 😏 Rio: We gotta Rio: be letting ourselves down otherwise Buster: & I promised not to let you down again ever, didn't I? Rio: I get it, you know what you're saying Rio: no need to show off Buster: There's every need 'cause you're so into how impressive I am Rio: You don't need to try, babe Buster: 'Course I don't but with you I like trying new things Rio: 😍🤤 Rio: be more perfect, honestly Buster: I'll try Buster: See, I told you Rio: You're such an adorable baby Buster: Right now I'm a jealous one, there's a couple making out literally next to where I'm standing waiting for my cab Buster: I want you like that Rio: Get a room, lads Rio: so soon Buster: I'd pull you so much closer than they are Rio: Obviously Rio: we're better Rio: and hotter Buster: This would be such a good wall to have you up against Buster: The light would basically display every inch of you Rio: Just to you or the whole party Buster: Just to me Rio: Always down for a private show Buster: That's why you're my favourite Rio: Fucking better be Rio: cheek Buster: You are, baby Rio: I'm your only baby, right Buster: Yeah Buster: I've only ever called other girls by their names Rio: Good Rio: you can always say my name too though Rio: well, when we can Buster: I'll say it for you all week Buster: As much as you want Rio: Oh you'll be saying my name, trust me Rio: make sure of that Buster: I've never said anyone's name as much as I wanna say yours Buster: Or how Rio: No girl has ever fucked you like me Buster: True Buster: I don't need to tell you what to do, I just like to Rio: you like how much I like it Buster: Yeah Rio: what else do you like Rio: how much can we fit into a week Buster: How much do you have to work & how long are your breaks when you do? Rio: it's getting really quiet in the weeks, it's actually annoying, sometimes they don't need me at all 'til fridays Rio: so if I do work much before the weekend, it'll likely be dead enough I can fit loads of 'breaks' in Buster: Nobody I know is a regular are they? I'll just get shit done from there for however long your shift is Rio: highly doubt it Rio: too sketchy a crowd Buster: Sketchy like I need to beat the shit out of them? Rio: Daddy, first of all Rio: but nah, I can handle them Rio: just not really your people Rio: plus everyone is easy over 35, even the after-work crowd Buster: I'll save it for your ex when I pay him a visit then, more worthwhile anyways Rio: Ugh, forget about him Rio: I'm not sharing Buster: You won't have to, it won't take long Buster: You'll be busy making me a drink for when I get back Rio: Stop making it hot, I don't want you to see him ever Rio: he's so Rio: it's embarrassing Buster: I don't want him to see you again ever or talk to you or think about you Buster: That's more important Rio: That'd be nice Rio: he might show up Buster: Let me make sure you're safe, okay? Buster: Please Rio: Okay Buster: Are you sure? I want your actual permission Rio: If he shows up, yeah Rio: I don't want you to go find him Rio: he'll just think I care Rio: he's fucked like that, and I don't care Buster: Okay Buster: I promise then Rio: I care about you so much Buster: Good 'cause other than my future, which you're a part of anyway, you're the only thing I care about Rio: I am Buster: Is that a question or are you agreeing with me that you're the only thing worth giving a shit toward? Rio: I was asking Rio: but that's the best thing you've ever said to me Buster: It shouldn't be a surprise to you, I only bother about things that matter & you matter more than anyone I've ever met Rio: Buster Buster: Rio Rio: I just want you home Buster: Soon, my baby Rio: Are you trying to make me wake everyone up? Rio: oh my god Buster: No, but if you do they'll be the only ones mad about it Rio: I feel like such a mess without you Rio: everything is better when you're here Buster: You're not though Buster: You're holding everything together Buster: Including me sometimes Buster: But that's a secret, 'cause McKenna's don't fall apart Rio: It's all our secret, baby Rio: no one knows Buster: I'm gonna enjoy leaving so many bruises on you this week that everyone can see, all the same 😈 Rio: I want it to be as obvious as we can get away with Rio: that's what makes it so hot Rio: they'll know I'm someones, just not who's Buster: & I'll know you're mine Buster: We have to record everything for when I leave Buster: Take so many pics too, like Rio: Exactly, and I'll feel that I'm yours Rio: we can use the new camera I got Rio: almost like being there Buster: It's only a month but in Chelsea that'll feel like 7 Buster: & I get so horny now that I'm just yours, your sympathy is optional though 'cause I'm not sorry that I am Rio: being horny is better than being bored Rio: or disappointed Rio: I always have time to play with you Rio: and I also always have at least 2 days off a week, standard, so Rio: even if they're weekdays, I could still come see you Buster: I'd rather not be fucked by you than go with any of them again, you know that Rio: you want me to love you more 😍 Buster: Yes Buster: I want you to love me more than you're ever loved any of the others Buster: & I wanna love you more than any of them did Rio: That's already happened Buster: Well, then I wanna keep it like that Buster: Keep you Rio: Please Buster: Don't say that, this cab is stuck in traffic & I need you so bad it actually hurts Rio: but I wanna be yours forever, daddy Buster: Fuck Rio: tell me how to be your girl forever Buster: Come & sit on my lap right now Rio: I like how you feel underneath me Buster: You'd love this Buster: How close I already am 'cause of you Rio: Do I even have time to get you out of your pants Rio: or is all it's gonna take me grinding my wet pussy on you like this Buster: I wish you could hear the answer I just gave you Buster: The driver definitely did Rio: Lucky Rio: I hope you're not sick of people telling you how sexy your accent is Rio: I thought it first Buster: Sick of them but never you Rio: Good, 'cos whilst I'm on your lap, you should tell me how much you've missed me Buster: Do you want me to whisper it in your ear or let this cabby know as well? Rio: Hmm Rio: he can know our secret, long as you tell him what a good girl I am too Rio: might not catch it in the mirror Buster: Of course Buster: I'll tell him you're an angel Rio: I won't tell him how 😈 you're being but he might guess Buster: He will Buster: So will all the other cars stalled in this traffic Rio: Now I need to be there Rio: traffic is only fun if you've got me there to give you road head Buster: Please be here Buster: I'm so Buster: Desperate for you Rio: I can feel it Rio: I could make you cum, get you hard and make you cum again before this car moved Rio: I know it Buster: Baby Rio: Yes, daddy? Buster: Do it Buster: Don't tease me, it's not nice Rio: You're right Rio: make me sorry later Rio: I've got important work to do right now Buster: Be sorry, don't make me have to make you Buster: Again, not very polite Rio: I don't know where my manners have gone Rio: it's gonna work in your favour when I meet you at the airport and we recreate this properly in the ride back though Rio: good girls do not behave like that, that's for sure Buster: Mine does Rio: Oh Rio: I fucking love you Buster: You can't say that to me right now Buster: I just Rio: You want me to make you cum Rio: I know how that is getting you Buster: I'm so loud he's gonna throw me out Buster: Jesus Rio: You look so beautiful when you cum Rio: I'll never forget the first time I saw, I couldn't take my eyes off you Buster: How could I feel anything but beautiful if I'm inside you Rio: I'm gonna make sure you feel like that always Buster: Forever, yeah? 'Cause you're always gonna love me too Rio: I've loved your forever Rio: and I'm not gonna stop Buster: Don't Buster: Oh my god Buster: Don't stop ever Rio: Never Rio: I need you, I want you, for everything, for always Buster: I've never felt like before & I never will again Buster: It's only yours Buster: For you, the happiest I've ever been Rio: Then you have to stay Rio: be mine, be happy Buster: I am Rio: You deserve this Rio: and more Rio: everything Buster: Give it to me, nobody else can Rio: You can have everything I have Rio: you know that Rio: I mean it, I'm yours Buster: Rio Rio: Buster Buster: You've made me such a mess Rio: Literal like IOU a clean-up and the fine or metaphorical Buster: Literally, like I haven't cum so much since you were here Buster: In the other sense, it's the opposite, obviously Rio: [adorable smug face selfie] Rio: can't have you changing your mind 'cos packing is the worst, like Buster: [a 😳 & we know why selfie back] Buster: I won't change my mind Buster: I love you Rio: See Rio: so fucking beautiful Buster: You are, yeah, keep telling yourself though Rio: You're silly Buster: [silly selfie cos he is] Rio: 😍 Rio: Mine Buster: Cab's moving again Buster: If we needed any more proof you're a goddess Rio: 🙌 Rio: Don't worry, I like you, so I'll only use my powers for good Buster: If you wanna be bad sometimes, I won't be that upset about it Rio: Keep that in mind Rio: do have a week, after-all Buster: 😈 Rio: You're really coming Buster: I really am Buster: So soon Rio: It's so weird Rio: how it feels like it's been forever this time Buster: I miss you too, babe Rio: You do now Buster: Behave, I did anyway Rio: Promise Buster: I swear to you Buster: On whatever you want me to Rio: swear on me Rio: 'cos I'm so important, like Buster: Alright, I do Rio: I believe you Buster: Good, 'cause I mean it Buster: & It's believable how important you are Rio: to you Rio: that's all I care about Buster: To everyone, but especially to me Buster: You are mine Rio: That never stops feeling good Rio: when you say that Buster: Tell me if it ever does, yeah? Rio: 'Course Rio: but it won't Buster: Time to pack Buster: Just gonna make coffee & risk the heart attack, like Rio: 😒 Don't play and don't die, thanks Buster: I'm a god too, don't forget. Immortal essentially Rio: Do you have to test that theory out when I'm not there to perform CPR though 😏 Buster: 😇 Promise Rio: Yeah that I'm only believing when I see it Rio: soz Buster: Well, you won't have to wait very long to see me so Rio: I know Rio: it's been way too long since I touched you Buster: I could've just touched you & I'd still want to Buster: Again & again, you know Buster: I can't get enough of all the ways you react to me Rio: I know the feeling Rio: it's all like new with you Rio: most lads are total carbon copies in bed Rio: even when you're good Rio: like sticking to a script, you know Buster: It's no different with girls, they've all watched the same porn, had the same chats with their friends, read the same advice Rio: Yeah Rio: been the thirdwheel to that mess too Rio: it's so boring Buster: I was frustrated in every sense of the word before you Rio: I know Rio: not that you ain't worth risking it all but it was lucky it was pretty obvious Buster: To you 'cause you were looking for it Rio: Hmm Rio: I'm not sure about that Buster: I am Rio: I'm fine taking knowing when people need to get laid as a special skill, like Buster: It's a decent skill to have Rio: I'd say it helps with the job but just take that as given, really Rio: no playing hard to get with it Buster: I mean, you could Buster: Some people are really into that Rio: I can Rio: they can't Rio: that's the beauty of it Buster: You're the beauty of it, but point taken Buster: The point I was trying to make is that me & you are the same Rio: Yeah? Buster: You weren't any happier than I was before this, you just care more about hiding that than I do Rio: True Rio: I don't know when it happened Rio: do you Rio: being, I don't have the word Rio: not happy but that doesn't equal sad, exactly Buster: It's never one thing you can pinpoint, I don't think Buster: Like, oh my brother died or oh we moved from Cambs or whatever, that's a cop out Rio: Yeah Rio: it's everything Rio: it all adds up and you're left with whatever at the end Buster: Exactly Buster: I also love that you brought it around to maths Rio: 😂 Barely Buster: Shh it's hot how smart you are Rio: Such a nerd Buster: You're a nerd & like I said, I'm into it Buster: It's such a wasted opportunity that we never got to study together Rio: That's a cliche I could've got behind Rio: I'll just help you Buster: Put your massage skills to good use, babe Rio: That went from wanting me for my brain real quick, you fake 😉 Rio: not that mad Buster: Smart as you are, I don't reckon I trust you to write all the essays I get assigned about problematic dead white men, like Rio: 'Bout the only way I wanna blow your professors' minds, I'm sure 🤢 Buster: Don't make me think about you blowing any of my professors Rio: Not a mood Rio: 100% I could find them on seeking arrangements though Buster: Definitely Buster: Not all, loads of them 100% prefer boys but a fair few Rio: 😒 typical Rio: such a boy's club Buster: We only have 2 teachers that aren't & they are both really old Buster: Not a mood either, if I wanted to live that cliche Rio: I think that's lowkey illegal Rio: I'm calling HR Buster: They only started letting female pupils in when they were forced, I don't reckon they care Rio: It's so archaic Rio: sure wherever you end up working will be the same though Rio: they give you the 'if you're gonna sexually harrass the one woman lawyer, be subtle about it or she'll sue' seminars anyway Buster: Yeah 'cause if I can't bend my colleagues over a desk what will I possibly find to do all day, actual work? Buster: Christ no Rio: Good coke, I reckon Rio: it's a living Buster: That goes without saying Buster: I already don't sleep & I ain't even got a job yet Rio: You will when you're here Buster: I'll just watch you, like that creepy stereotype Rio: It's not creepy Rio: just inadvisable Buster: Is that an admittance of guilt, babe? Rio: I don't know what you're talking about Rio: can't prove anything Buster: I bet you stroked my hair & everything Rio: I hate you so much Buster: You love me so much Rio: Shut up, you're mean Buster: Come on Rio: What Buster: You know there's not a single second I don't wanna look at you Buster: You just said it first Rio: Yeah Rio: 1-1 then Buster: Oh you're keeping score now, yeah? Rio: Maybe Rio: but I've not worked out what's a win and what's a loss so Buster: More maths, I approve Buster: There are no losses though, we both just keep winning Rio: Perv 😏 Rio: that sounds good to me though Rio: deal Buster: How do you wanna seal that deal, baby? Rio: We should go out Rio: there's loads of places we can go that no one we know should be Buster: Alright then Rio: Not soon as you arrive, obviously Rio: priorities Buster: Dressed to impress in my tuxe, like 👑 Rio: Impress ain't the word Rio: 😍 Buster: We just got married & we need free champagne immediately Buster: It's a good scam Rio: Do you think we look old enough Buster: If they let us in, they'd have to believe we are Rio: Fair Rio: Free champagne is always a yes so why not Buster: What do you have that's white? Rio: Rude to imply I ain't 😇 enough Rio: sure I can cobble something together Buster: If I'm implying anything it's that I need pics of every option before we decide Rio: um it's bad luck Rio: don't you know anything Buster: We don't have bad luck Buster: But fine, you can surprise me Rio: Trust my judgment Rio: also trust I ain't gonna let you upstage me like that Buster: I trust you utterly Rio: Fuck me Buster: I'm in the midst of packing but if you say please Rio: I'll be good then Rio: but that got me Buster: You already know I trust you, I've told you before Rio: I'm not gonna let you down then Rio: I can't Buster: You never have Rio: Well Buster: Trust yourself as much as I trust you Rio: Let's just say I won't again Rio: yeah Buster: Yeah Rio: Clean slate Buster: Another one or a continuation of the one we agreed to the night I stopped fucking uninteresting American girls? Rio: if that one had a clause about all previous sins as well, should work fine Rio: not fucked any of your friends since or similar, obviously Buster: Me either, obviously Buster: If any of them flew over to the US that's a coincidence, like Rio: Idiot 🙄 Buster: Be nice to me Rio: I'm always nice Buster: Come & help me pack Rio: You'd have to do a lot to make doing that flight x2 in a go appealing Buster: It's not my fault that I need you on this case to make it shut & to make you cum Rio: okay I'm coming Buster: It really doesn't wanna close, we're really gonna have to force it, babe Rio: You know I can take it Rio: go as hard as you can, don't hold back Buster: I'll break this zip before I break you Rio: Come on baby Rio: I believe in you Buster: Say it again Rio: You can do it Rio: I believe in you Buster: You better 'cause I have another one to do after this Rio: I didn't imagine you'd packed light, babe Buster: I've been here for months Rio: I know Rio: not saying I could do better Buster: You could 'cause you could wear anything & look hot as fuck Buster: You just are Rio: so are you Rio: you just like to dress up, you don't need to Buster: All these clothes on my floor are reminding me of you Buster: It's so distracting Rio: You've gotta focus, babe Rio: how can I come see you when you're back in school if you can't concentrate, even when I'm being my most distracting Buster: You know better than to underestimate me Rio: I'm just saying Rio: you've not seen distracting yet Buster: I've seen you, everything you do distracts me, but I'm still here doing what needs to get done Buster: It's just that right now I feel like that includes you Rio: You know that includes me Rio: I was just trying to be good Buster: I wanna make you feel as good as you're trying to be Rio: Please Buster: Get on the floor with me Rio: Okay Rio: [selfie evidence] Buster: You're such a good girl Buster: Don't deny yourself anything Buster: You deserve everything you want, any time Rio: Including you Buster: So how do you want me? Rio: It's wrong me being on the floor and NOT on my knees Rio: you can hit it so deep from behind Buster: Hurry up then Rio: [pic] Rio: Your turn Buster: [video cos has to be more extra obvs] Rio: You're so hard Rio: how long have you been thinking about me Buster: I'm always thinking about you Rio: I get it, I'm always ready for you too Rio: but I'm over ready right now Buster: My poor baby Buster: This is why you need to tell me & stop trying to be such an angel all the time Rio: I know you're so busy sorting everything out to come see me but I need you now Rio: I'm clingy Buster: I'm never gonna be too busy for you, I don't care what else I'm doing, you come first for me Buster: I'm gonna go so slow to prove it to you, really let you feel it Rio: Oh shit, daddy Rio: Please play with me whilst you fuck me, I need you everywhere Buster: I'll use my tongue first until you're sure we're not in any rush 'cause you obviously need to be reminded how special you are Rio: You know I'm gonna cum all over your face Rio: I'm too close Buster: I want it, I love the taste of you Rio: I swear I can feel your tongue Rio: don't stop talking baby Buster: You're so wet, everyone's gonna hear us Buster: Say my name for them so they know how much you love me Rio: we've been going for hours, there isn't anyone left on this street who doesn't know your name Rio: or how good you are Buster: If there are, they'll know after this Buster: 'Cause you can feel my fingers too, can't you? & my lips. I'm giving you everything that you need Rio: Yes, you're everything Rio: you know just how I like it Buster: I swear I can hear you showing me exactly how much you like it Rio: I'm beingso loud it's a problem Rio: I can't stop Buster: Be louder Rio: Fingerfuck me harder Rio: please please please Buster: Since you asked that politely Buster: Is that better, baby? Rio: I'm gonna have to move after this Rio: fucking hell this is so good, Buster Buster: You're not allowed to move Buster: This is what you said you wanted, remember? Rio: Yes, pin me down Rio: let them hear it Rio: see Buster: I'll flip you over if I want to, but not yet Rio: You're in control, baby Rio: I'm out of it so you've gotta Buster: You're totally losing yours but it's okay Rio: You like me like this Rio: messy baby Buster: I love you every way there is Rio: You love me Buster: I fucking love you, Rio Rio: I love you so much Rio: no one's ever loved anyone this much or this hard Buster: I know Buster: There's no one else like me Buster: Or you, that's why you're mine now Rio: Forever Buster: Longer than that Rio: Keep me Rio: I'll only ever be yours Buster: I'll keep you safe & keep you with me Buster: Keep you happy Buster: Keep on loving you Rio: You're the best daddy in the whole world Buster: Cum for me then Rio: It's going to be so much Rio: I feel so full Rio: use how wet I am Rio: I need my other hole filled too Buster: Whatever my baby wants Rio: I'm in love with you Rio: damn Buster: Be in love with me, that's all I want Rio: Then you've got it Buster: Fuck, you're just so perfect Rio: You make me really happy Buster: Good Buster: You deserve that more than anything else Rio: I can't believe this is happening Rio: still Buster: Believe it Buster: You are a dream come true but it's not that Rio: It is crazy though Rio: not that long ago we 'hated' each other Buster: But I never actually hated you Buster: I've felt like this for so long Rio: I don't know how I ever acted like I hated you Rio: not that I was amazing at it but you know Rio: we tried for too long Buster: You've probably forgotten 'cause it was so long ago but you got your dad to drive me home & you stayed. I don't remember much more than that 'cause I was properly wasted as per for a fam function but you gave a shit about me, I knew that then & it was just so Buster: I don't know, I'd never felt it Buster: My parents weren't leaving out glasses of water for me to wake up to, like Buster: It should've just always been like that Rio: No, I remember Rio: you were just so Rio: I don't know, like a kid again, you know Rio: you needed someone to Buster: We were kids, even if you did have that boyfriend you invited Rio: Don't remind me Rio: guess we were kids, still Rio: there always seems like a before and an after somehow Buster: I just think that maybe I could have been in love with you then, if I let myself Buster: Left out so much bullshit Rio: It's a lot to let in though Rio: we both know the risks, actually risks Buster: Yeah Rio: Who knows Rio: if we could handle that on top of everything else we had to Buster: I can obviously handle anything, how dare you Buster: But seriously, it was & is a lot Buster: I knew that as a actual kid being dared to kiss you Rio: 'Course, babe Rio: Pandora's box, yeah Rio: or whatever Buster: I was never a bad kisser or a little cunt, I just had to slam it shut Buster: End of story Buster: 😂 Rio: 😏 Stick to it Rio: who's here to disagree but me and I'm not dying to start up the old argument Buster: I really must have worn you out if you don't wanna fight Rio: The neighbours are glad to hear it Rio: or stop hearing it, like Buster: Fine by me, I can't let you lose your voice before I get there Rio: I don't think I'd have known what to do if you were nice to me anyway Rio: you think I'm bad now, like Buster: Baby Rio: Not just you Buster: I'm just gonna have to extra nice to you from now on then, yeah? Buster: Easy Rio: Hm? Buster: We've got so much time to make up Buster: So much bullshit to make better Rio: But plenty of time to do it in Rio: right Buster: Longer than forever is what I reckon I said Rio: Is that permission to hold you to EVERYTHING you say when we're fucking then? 😏 Buster: It's when I'm the most honest Rio: I believe it Rio: drunk you is probably a close 2nd, but you also chat a lot of shit then so Buster: It's why loads of girls hate me & equally loads of 'em desperately want me to call 'em again Buster: Well, I'm running on coke, coffee & champagne, not necessarily in that order so let's assume I'm the most truthful I've ever been then Buster: Not to mention whatever was in that fucking punch, like Rio: Veritaserum Rio: I should ask you about all your deep, dark secrets now then, yeah? Buster: Yeah Rio: Hmm Rio: let me think Buster: Sure, I'll finish packing Rio: How rude Rio: I'm not that slow Buster: Not what I meant Buster: But you'd be stupid to blurt out a bullshit question when you can ask me anything Rio: That's the problem Rio: too wide a net Rio: too many potential minefields Buster: Take your time then Rio: Nah, fuck it Rio: if I'm to the point, you can only get so mad Rio: Why do you only do it with the same girl once Rio: what's that all about Buster: Isn't it obvious? Buster: I leave them wanting more & only have to remember their name for however long they last Rio: Don't you ever want to go over it again though Rio: they can't all be that bad Buster: Why would I? I was impressive & they were whatever adjective they were Rio: Hmm Rio: I guess I see it Buster: You said it yourself, even when it's good it's not that good Rio: Yeah, it's just different from how I went about it, for lots of reasons, obvs Buster: You care about people, I don't Rio: Nah Rio: not even Rio: you stick with the same person, you can damage control how bad it is Rio: train them a bit Buster: Fuck that Buster: I can train a girl in one night if I need to Buster: If I stuck with her I'd have to lie, hold her hand & tell her how pretty she is, all that shit Rio: Nah Rio: what's the point in that then Rio: don't get to enjoy the fruits of your labour Rio: and you can be a shit boyfriend, I was hardly #1 girlfriend Buster: There's an obvious point to fucking, firstly & secondly, I don't do anything to be shit at it Rio: so it's an ego thing Rio: okay Buster: Have we met? Buster: Everything I do is an ego thing Rio: That's really sweet Buster: What? Rio: That your ego can deal with the fuckboy thing but you can't deal with being a shitty boyfriend Rio: weirdly chivalrous or something Buster: I'm not a fuckboy is everyone knows what's gonna happen Buster: We all go into it with our eyes open Buster: *if Rio: Nah Rio: girls lie about that sort of thing Rio: show they're cool and down Rio: you're definitely a fuckboy Buster: My friends lie that there's a future beyond the fuck, that they'll be the girl's boyfriend that's fuckboy behavior Buster: Not what I did Rio: It's definitely worse Rio: but it'll be all the same when you don't text back Rio: I know how girls chat Buster: Whatever you say, babe Rio: 😂 What, you don't believe me? Buster: I don't care, more like Buster: I don't do it anymore regardless Rio: Okay Buster: I'm sure plenty of girls have noticed my absence from the party & are understandably devastated but not my concern Buster: Priorities, like Rio: Don't be grumpy Rio: I said it was cute Buster: I ain't & you're cute Rio: Teeny tiny bit? Buster: You're much cuter than that Rio: 🤓 Rio: you Buster: You didn't ask me how many, I might be grumpy then Rio: Why? Buster: It's not nicely rounded Buster: That annoys me Buster: Obviously 'cause you'd judge me Rio: 'Scuse you Rio: why am I such a judgmental bitch now Buster: It's just a high number, that's all I'm saying Rio: If you're fine with it Rio: all that matters ain't it Buster: I don't know how I feel about it Rio: That's pretty standard too, I reckon Buster: It's like okay there's a record of exactly how many nights I felt lonely since the first time I thought fucking would fix that Buster: How were there that many? Why? Rio: It's fucked Rio: but you ain't alone in being alone, you know Buster: 'Course not Rio: Not that that makes it any better Rio: but everyone's at it Buster: Yeah Rio: It's an epidemic Rio: 'least you don't cash in on it Buster: Not gonna cash in on my failure Buster: If I'm so great & my ego's so big, my own company should be enough for me Buster: More than Rio: No one likes themselves that much Rio: 'cept really smug buddhists or something Buster: You're funny Rio: It's been said Buster: I don't know, it's just weak Buster: To need things from people you don't know, never mind care about Rio: Listen, you can pay for it if having it transactional makes it more comfortable Rio: you're a human, you need things, simple as Rio: you'd be dead boring if you were one of those AA types who has to abstain from EVERYTHING to feel 'free' Buster: What are you angling for me to buy you, babe? Rio: Fuck off Buster: I can't, I love you Rio: It's not a get out of jail free card, you know Buster: I'm not planning to need one Rio: 😏 Rio: Bold of you to assume I'm not really grumpy already Buster: If you are, it's 'cause you're tired Buster: That's easily fixable Rio: 😑 boy Buster: Take a nap, baby Rio: You're gonna wanna reconsider Buster: Am I? Rio: Mhm Buster: Tell me why Rio: Because I'm not in the mood to be told what to do now Buster: It's only a suggestion, you said it was a long shift & loads has happened since then Buster: I'm going to the airport, so why not Rio: I'm perfectly capable of working out when I need to sleep Rio: tah Buster: Calm down Rio: Ha Rio: Okay yeah, let's stop here Buster: You don't need to have an attitude about this, so yeah, stop Rio: You're the one who said it Buster: I'm literally being helpful, what the fuck Rio: You really don't get it Rio: forget about it Rio: see you later Buster: Nah, explain it to me Rio: You literally said you were gonna buy me Rio: that's not funny Buster: I didn't mean it Buster: Come on Rio: Still Buster: Still, you know it's not like that Rio: Well, like I said Rio: I don't wanna joke about it Buster: Okay, I'm sorry Rio: Alright Buster: Is it? Buster: 'Cause I can't leave until it is Rio: Of course Rio: don't not come Rio: you've packed Buster: That shouldn't be the reason to come or not Rio: Come on Rio: I still want you to come Rio: I'm not that mad Buster: But you are mad, so talk to me Rio: I was, you said sorry Rio: that's all that needs doing, like Buster: Are you sure? Rio: Promise Rio: it's not your fault it's a sensitive subject, like Rio: I knew you were joking Buster: Why is it though? Don't you like doing what you do? Rio: It's complicated Rio: some bits Buster: Do you mean, it's complicated but I like it or I fucking hate that it's complicated & I wish it was different Rio: It's the porn industry, we all know it's sketch Rio: it's just fucked I can even do it Rio: you know Buster: You can stop, if you want Buster: At any point Rio: I know Rio: I might have to Rio: Ryan found out Rio: I don't do anything that actually is porn, really Rio: but I could still get in trouble, I reckon, if he tells everyone Buster: Well, don't ever stop doing anything 'cause of that cunt Buster: I'll just kill him Rio: It's just talking Rio: you've seen Buster: I know & I know you're good at it Buster: So like I said, it's not up to him when you stop Buster: Or if Rio: Thanks Buster: I ain't killed him yet Buster: Don't thank me Rio: Remember you promsied Buster: That was before I knew he could fuck up your job though Rio: He won't do it Rio: I'm sure of it Buster: He won't if I shut his mouth for him Buster: When you get your jaw wired you can't talk properly for ages, you know Rio: Babe Buster: I'm just saying, it happened to a boxer I've fought, not 'cause of me that time but it really fucked him up Buster: Think about letting it happen Rio: You really would get in trouble then Rio: no Buster: I wouldn't f that's why it's a no, I ain't that stupid Rio: I don't wanna be giving him this much thought right now Rio: any Rio: you're coming Buster: Okay but just remember I'm not there as far as anyone but you knows so it'd be a good time to beat the shit out of him if you change your mind Rio: You want me to be jealous of him now? Rio: Weird but go off Buster: Shut up Buster: I wasn't even that jealous of him when you were with him Buster: & I'm jealous of like, anyone who looks at you, ever has or will Rio: 😂 Rio: well you wanna spend all this time with him Rio: jussayin Buster: I keep telling you it wouldn't take long, I don't know why you're doubting me Rio: Take it as a compliment Buster: You've literally seen me fight & that's when there are rules Buster: How is it a compliment? Rio: Wow, your ego really isn't that big Rio: if it was you'd know what I was getting at straight away Rio: so humble, babe Buster: That's the most hurtful thing you've ever said to me Buster: I know what you were saying you wanna be with me 24/7 but now I'm actually broken hearted like Rio: I was saying you literally fucked me for hours tonight so I doubt your definition of not taking long but you just want an excuse to run off into the sunset now Rio: see how it is Buster: Size matters, babe, I'm so upset Buster: Also there's no comparison when you're important & he isn't Rio: Baby Rio: I'm sorry Rio: it's so so big Rio: 😏 Buster: Who am I that I can't even be fake mad at you for longer than a second? Rio: I can call you soft if you want Rio: get you going again to save face Buster: You better fucking not Rio: 😘 Buster: & You better actually kiss & make up with me when I get there if you're gonna keep taking the piss Rio: Hi, have we met? Rio: that's our specialty Buster: If we haven't met we should, 'cause you're really fucking beautiful, like Rio: 😳 Buster: I'm beyond ready to spend a week with you Rio: Me too Rio: thank fuck London is not this far away Buster: I just got in the shower to look less like I rolled up straight from a party & all I can think about is how much I want you in here too Buster: At this rate I'm never gonna leave Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: 🤤 Rio: I do need to shower too, to be fair Rio: you made me a mess so Buster: We made each other a mess Buster: Get in then Rio: Alright Buster: Tell me to be quick Rio: You've got to Rio: plane to catch Rio: focus, baby Buster: Start counting for me, if it gets too high, make sure I'm out Rio: Shameless ploy to get me to speak maths at you Rio: but alright Buster: 😏 Buster: No more than 10 minutes, okay? Rio: Got it Rio: Bet I can beat you Buster: What do you wanna bet? Rio: What do you want/ Buster: If I beat you, you have to let me pay for the hotel & vice versa Rio: You're on Buster: Alright Rio: No cheating Rio: do it properly Rio: play fair Buster: 😇 Buster: Trust me Rio: I do Buster: Good Rio: Don't distract me Buster: I wouldn't dare, babe Rio: 😇 Buster: 😏 Rio: [who's gonna win] Buster: [ooh good point maybe we should let her win cos of all the money he's already spent lol] Rio: [save him girl lol] Rio: Clean 😋 Buster: Seriously? Rio: [proof pics] Rio: 🥇🙌 Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: Don't be a sore loser, baby Buster: I hate you Rio: No you don't Buster: No, I don't Rio: In fact, you love me SO much, it's a real hindrance, right? Rio: 😏 Buster: You said it Rio: Not sorry Buster: Book us a hotel then Buster: I've got a plane to catch Rio: 😍 Rio: On it Buster: I do love you so much,  but it's not an obstacle in any way, it's so far from it Buster: Just to let you know, like Rio: You're so nice Rio: and cute Buster: Shh Rio: but Buster: Don't distract me Rio: You already lost though Buster: I've already put on a show for one taxi driver though Rio: Now who's being distracting 🤤 Buster: It ain't my fault I want you again Rio: Like you ever stopped Rio: come on Buster: Exactly Buster: I've told you before, it's constant Rio: I know it is Rio: we're in it together Buster: Just as well 'cause it probably is classed as an actual addiction how badly I need you Rio: Yeah but 'long as you don't get cut off Rio: and I've got no plans to Rio: it's basically fine, yeah Buster: There's a load worse things I could be doing Buster: Have done Rio: Cheers 😂 Buster: You know what I mean Rio: This fam, they'd probably be more alright with the smack, honestly Buster: Don't Rio: It's alright Rio: they aren't finding out Buster: Not this week at least Rio: Hell no Rio: I am not ready for another family function yet Buster: Me either Rio: You're gonna need to tone down how distracting you are Rio: but don't ever Buster: Says you Buster: The most distracting girl I've ever met Rio: Only 'cos you're looking Buster: Only 'cause you're existing Buster: So fucking flawlessly Buster: In my line of sight Rio: Baby Rio: Please Buster: Please what? Rio: Please don't be so nice Rio: I can't love you any more Buster: I'm just being honest, I keep telling you Rio: I know Rio: I'm annoying, aren't I Buster: No, you're not Rio: Like you said, it's just constant Buster: Yeah Buster: I'm not mad about it Rio: Good Rio: I can come see you then Rio: when you're home Buster: 'Course Buster: As often as you can Rio: Yeah Rio: in comparison it'll be so easy Rio: it's cheap, plenty of reasons to be there Buster: I'll expect you every week then, yeah? Rio: Why not Rio: just tell me when you really need to focus Buster: I really need to focus on you as much as possible Rio: Obviously Rio: good 🍀 charm Buster: & You already said you'd help me do my homework Rio: We're study buddies Rio: believable, yeah? Rio: won't even need a hotel 😂 Buster: It should be, you're smart enough to keep up Rio: 🤞 my 'rents never got hold of yours to tell 'em I'm a dropout Buster: Fingers crossed my sister ain't told 'em, more like Buster: She can't read but at least she's still in school, right, mum & dad? Rio: If she's using me as a cautionary tale/could be worse benchmark, we'll be having words Rio: even if you did throw me a party Buster: Well, she can't use me at the moment, I haven't fucked up for ages as far as any of them know Rio: 👑 again Rio: how does it feel Buster: Standard, obviously Rio: really Buster: It's my normal Rio: Yeah Rio: I should sleep whilst you're travelling but I don't wanna 😞 Buster: Wait for me to get on this plane & I'll fall asleep with you Rio: That's a better idea Buster: It came from me, I only have the best ideas Buster: We've been over that Rio: I'll allow it Rio: too sleepy to protest 😉 Buster: Poor baby Buster: Come here & I'll rub your back Buster: You'll feel so much better Rio: You gotta Rio: and cuddle me Buster: I gotta rock you to sleep, yeah? Okay Rio: Will you Rio: for real Buster: Of course Rio: I've been thinking about that time Rio: when you were gone and I came back with you Rio: it was nice, for me Rio: I know you were in a state but Buster: It was nice for me too Buster: Even though I wasn't sure which parts were memories & which were just me dreaming Rio: I'll let you know Buster: Did you actually tuck me in or do I need to act like I'm embarrassed I dreamt that? Rio: As much as I love making you blush Rio: I did, obviously Buster: I should've been sure of that, you're such a mum Rio: You needed it! Rio: and you loved it, don't lie Buster: I didn't say it's a bad thing Buster: You're really caring & comforting, like Buster: As I already said, it was nice Rio: Someone had to Buster: Nobody had to, but you wanted to & I wanted you to Rio: Yeah Rio: okay Rio: you were really cuddly, I didn't expect that Buster: Why not? Rio: It isn't the impression you put out Rio: especially back then Buster: Yeah, but I wanted to be close to you, even back then Rio: I know that now Buster: & From what I recall, I was having a rather shit night Buster: Before any of that Rio: You didn't wanna be there Rio: was a given Buster: I didn't want your boyfriend to be there Rio: Poor boy Rio: didn't stick around long after I ditched him to look after you Buster: I'm not sorry Rio: Obviously Rio: I think he's about to have a kid so dodged a bullet really Buster: He must've improved 'cause he could barely kiss you Rio: 😂 Rio: all get there in the end, babe Buster: Don't take the piss out of me, I was 9 Buster: What was his excuse years later? Rio: It wasn't that many years later and I don't know Rio: maybe no one ever dared him to kiss his cousin Buster: It was enough years to get a clue Rio: You're funny Buster: I'm not joking, I still can't unsee that shit Buster: The worst Rio: Now you're just being hyperbolic Rio: I barely remember so you can't be traumatized Buster: You've repressed it, clearly Buster: Who wouldn't? Rio: 😏 Shut up Rio: he was a cute kid, you're rude Buster: You're gonna have to try harder than that to shut me up, babe Buster: 'Cause nah Buster: You can't go from repression to rose tinted like that Rio: If I'm not allowed to know your number you ain't allowed to judge my past choices either alright Rio: only fair Buster: I never said I wouldn't tell you Buster: You can know it if you want Rio: Do you even know it Rio: sounded harsher than I meant Rio: like genuinely Buster: I've done my best to keep count Rio: I don't need to know Rio: it's all the same to me Buster: You don't need to or you don't want to? Rio: Need Rio: it's probably less than I reckon in my head Rio: but I mean, 1 or 100, the feeling's the same Rio: to me anyway Buster: At least tell me what your imagined number for me is Rio: When did you lose your virginity again Buster: Right after you Rio: So that's like Rio: nearly 2 years Rio: If I gave you every friday and saturday, that's 104, so take into account life shit getting in the way, the fact there's only a finite amount of girls even in Chelsea, round you down to like Rio: 50-75 mark Buster: So many things to comment on, firstly & most importantly, that you're such a hot nerd Buster: Secondly, I'm offended you only gave me two nights, like this is a part time job, 'cause who am I? Buster: Thirdly, it's surprising that you didn't factor the US into the equation more Buster: Not to mention that you didn't consider more than one girl a night ever Rio: You're a nerd, the only thing you do on weeknight's is your homework Rio: you can't change my mind Rio: and I can add a small percentage on for America but still Buster: I don't need to, you know what I do on my study breaks Rio: You're gross Buster: I'm just saying, give me most nights & you'd be closer to the truth Rio: Nah Buster: You don't believe me? Buster: Alright Rio: It just probably seems more than it is Buster: Nah, it just is more than that Buster: You've met my parents you know I'm alone more often than not Rio: Don't mean other kids are, like Buster: I wasn't keeping anyone past their curfew, if they had one Buster: We're done, they leave. End of story Rio: Whatever Buster: They're finally letting us on this plane, thank fuck Rio: That's good Rio: just the however many hours in a tin can then Buster: I'll sleep through most of it now the coke & coffee have worn off though Rio: Well timed Buster: Like I planned it, yeah? Buster: I only did just enough of both Rio: Yes, you're very smart 🙄 Buster: I am actually Buster: Where's this attitude come back from? Rio: You asked Rio: I didn't Buster: What are you talking about? Rio: You wanted to know what I thought your number was, I told you I didn't need to know Buster: & You don't know Buster: So what's your problem? Rio: Don't act dumb Buster: Earlier you said you weren't a judgey bitch & literally just now you said, 1-100 it didn't matter Buster: So, I repeat, what's the problem, or more accurately what's the truth, like Rio: Fuck off Buster: What so if it's over a 100 it does matter? Buster: Good to know Rio: Just go get on the plane Rio: I'm going to bed Buster: How about I don't Rio: Don't be ridiculous Buster: How is that any more ridiculous than this? Rio: Because you're packed and there Rio: that's just illogical Buster: Give me a better reason Rio: Because when you get here we'll both be over it Buster: By sleeping, that's more illogical as a concept Buster: Talk to me or don't Rio: You ain't heard about time Rio: heals all wounds, like Rio: I'm just tired, it's so past late here Buster: I've heard about not going to bed angry Rio: Buster Buster: You've got the length of this queue of people, is that really what you wanna say? Rio: I don't have to apologize Buster: I didn't ask you to Buster: I'm just trying to work out if you're waiting on one from me Buster: Or what the fuck else you want me to do or say about this Buster: Tell me how you feel, what you're thinking Rio: I don't want you to do anything but stop talking about it Rio: it doesn't have to be any harder than that Buster: It's not gonna go away 'cause I don't bring it up again Buster: If growing up in this fam has taught you anything, it should be that Rio: Maybe not Buster: We can do better than that Buster: Just say it Rio: What Buster: Whatever it is that upsets you about all this shit in my past Rio: Everything Rio: Like you said there's nothing to be done about it so I don't see why we need to talk or think about it Buster: 'Cause I don't wanna hurt you ever Rio: You aren't Buster: That's bullshit though Rio: Oh my God Rio: no it isn't Buster: Yeah it is, this is gonna come between us if we don't sort it out Buster: That's what happens when you don't talk about things Rio: It isn't Rio: past tense and it wasn't about me Rio: it was just a shit time for both of us and I don't like dwelling on it Rio: what's wrong with that Buster: It was about you, not solely, obviously but how I felt & feel about you was relevant Rio: that makes it worse Buster: Can't you see I don't wanna go back to London & fall into all those trappings that you reckon are so past tense Rio: I know, why do you think I'm upset Rio: not just for myself actually Rio: thanks Buster: It's such a headfuck Buster: I love you & that's a good one but the rest is like Rio: it doesn't fix the rest Rio: yeah Buster: What if I only changed 'cause my surroundings did Buster: You can't love who I have to be in Chelsea, you shouldn't Rio: Well let's not act like you were a saint/didn't do the majority of it there apparently so Rio: take that as a positive or a negative, probably not the reason Buster: This has been the weirdest night, like Rio: Has it Buster: Don't you reckon? Rio: I don't know Buster: Prom feels like a week ago or some shit by now Rio: Tell me about it Rio: I've been up for God knows how long Rio: you want to stay there Buster: I want you Buster: & For you to still want me Buster: But more than even that I want you to go to bed so I can feel less shitty about that at least Rio: I'm just sad Buster: I know Buster: I'm sorry Rio: For you Rio: and me Rio: but not because of you Rio: alright Buster: Yeah Buster: But better things are happening Rio: Yeah Buster: We're not who we were & we're not going back Rio: I don't want to Rio: it might be unavoidable Rio: like you said Buster: Fuck that Buster: We can do this Buster: Go get some sleep & I'll be there Buster: That's step 1 Rio: Okay Rio: Typically don't feel it now but bet we've got some sleeping tablets Rio: what kind of dealer like Buster: A shit one, which he is Rio: We shall see Buster: Rio Rio: Yeah? Buster: I don't know, just Buster: Don't be sad Rio: Sure Rio: weird night, yeah Buster: I didn't mean to fuck everything up but I do intend to make it past tense, for real Buster: Like a more distant memory than the night you tucked me in Rio: You haven't Rio: it just is fucked Rio: not us Rio: but everything else, pretty much Buster: I'll get to work on fixing everything else once this week of just us is over then Rio: Just like that Buster: Just like that, babe Rio: I love you Buster: I love you Buster: I reckon I just need to adapt London to me instead of adapting for it Buster: So that's my biggest problem solved before I'm even off the plane Rio: If anyone can Buster: Exactly Buster: All we have to do is remember who we are now, actually & who we wanna be Buster: The capabilities are already there for anything Rio: It's intense Rio: isn't it Buster: Living right? Yeah Buster: But worth doing Rio: 'Course Rio: Sometimes I feel like I'm not ready to make all these decisions Rio: but then I'm the one who rushed it because I couldn't wait Buster: There's very few decisions that are that fixed Buster: I know I always say that what's done is done but Rio: I feel too old to keep making wrong ones, though Rio: excuses wear thin, you know Buster: It's alright, we're making right ones now Buster: Me & you Rio: Yeah Rio: we are Buster: You know I've got your back regardless though, whatever happens Buster: I'm taking that pressure off you Buster: Broad enough shoulders, like Rio: Don't turn me on Rio: sleep time Buster: Time for bed but only for cuddles Buster: Behave Rio: Fine Rio: only 'cos you love them so much Buster: You love being my little tiny spoon, don't lie Rio: Be here Buster: I'm right here & you can feel my arms around you as tightly as you need Buster: We're gonna stay like this until I massage you & then you're gonna sleep Buster: No more headfucks today Buster: No stress for the entire week Rio: Deal Rio: I'll only get an attitude for fun, promise Buster: I'll hold you to that Rio: That's the idea Buster: & It's a good one so shhh Buster: Close your eyes Rio: Okay, daddy Rio: sweet dreams Rio: safe flight Buster: You too on the dreams Buster: You're already safe with me Rio: 🤤 they will be Buster: You can tell me when I wake you Rio: I'll show you