#i dont want to be healthy i just want to be me enough to give a fuck
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*o*
#ok sorry i've done my best to not obsessively talk abt this every single day for the past TWO months but.....#i just wanna eat normally again bro#i wanna eat healthy stuff bc i can always FEEL how much my body appreciated it and it gives me energy#i also wanna eat more unhealthy things just bc they're yummy and thats ok sometimes too#and i want chocolate bro.. im dying from chocolate deficiency#but anyway it is 1) extremely boeing to eat the same things every single day for 8 weeks#but 2) i can feel that i dont get enough nutrition. im super tired and dizzy and short of breath. also i am sooooo fkn cold#3) it is mentally exhausting to get home and be like damn im so tired i just wanna eat cereal but nope i have to make my bland food#i am just sick and tired of this. esp bc it takes SO long to get medical attention. so for rn i am not even certain it is gallstones#and what do i get as a treatment if it is??? like should i just live like this forever now?? will i have to wait months for a surgery?#what if it isnt gallstones??? what if they cant find out whats wrong? so it is not only the waiting it is the uncertainty#but most of all. im so hungry all the time and i dont wanna think abt what im eating anymore. i just wanna eat normally broooo fml
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The fact that I'm not tall enough makes me actually want to self die. Like idc what other people say in terms of why I deserve or don't deserve to die but. If I was 6'0" I'd feel a lot less constantly depressed.
#tw dysphoria#look i like a good majority of my appearance people find me hot and i find me hot#but every time im reminded of my height i want to kill everything within a 10 mile radius including myself#tw sui ideation#microwave background of i hate society i hate not feeling man enough i hate not feeling on the same page with my body#not only do you have the most painful of problems you also arent large?? what the hell dude#whats wrong with you#stop having so many problems#turn back time be a kid again turn to a life of crime and get the hormones u need b4 its too late#manage your disability with underground docs b4 medicine is irreperablt ruined to you#be a kid again be stronger be smarter get out get out save yourself#its not FAIR#its not right#stretch me on a rack till im long enough to seem near inhuman#break my bones and put me back together until i feel like a person#work me till im sicker than before make me a killing machine make me numb to pain and limits#make me a future where i can be me even if its in a program even if im dead#i dont want to be healthy i just want to be me enough to give a fuck#i want to be free#i look around at the things i care about and i feel weary and numb. what does it matter i ask myself#if i cant experience it all as me but simply as too flawed a flesh mech to connect to. idc if people like me. i just want to be me#a constant fight for identity where everyone not helping me is my enemy. and im so ENVIOUS it makes me sick#envious of things people could never imagine being envious about. i want to leave my body forever#vent#my fight for myself takes no prisoners i will bite every bad hand and use people and be outright cruel bc that is who i am. that is how you#survive. in a world that eats you every day you require the drive and ruthlessness to eat everything and everyone else.#sometimes survival means drowning the part of you that apologizes and pleases. putting yourself first no matter what.#a hundred times id rather be selfish and brutal than give even an inch of my chance at an even okay life#if science isnt enough ill change science. if people arent enough ill change people. if nothings enough ill break all of it#i dont believe in compromise. not when it comes to me.
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my take on starscream and windblade is i genuinely think their dynamic by the end of the series rocks. when starscream is incredibly fond of her and respexts her and sees her as not only an incredibly capable leader but a fundementally good and better person. and windblade is like 😬 starscream? well shes dead now so we never ever have to unpack all that. so uh. lets move on.
#SHE DOESNT FUCKING LIKE HER.#like i think if stsc had lived windblades general opinion wouldve been girl im proud of you and your#growth or whatever but like can you retire or something. stay away from me.#like i think wb meant it when she said she wanted stsc to get better and believed she could. but i dont think theyre ever going to be#friends. im of the opinion that death + the haunting is the best ending for starscream#and that its really the only environment for her that is conducive to fully truly healing and being at peace#like idk i think she was miserable and there would be no future in which people let her 'escape punishment' nor one where shes interested#in doing that even with bee and windblade in her corner. and i just idk#i think she needs space to be alone out from the public eye#and away from all the pressures that kept her spiraling over and over her whole life#and i just. the way exrid was set up i just dont think there was room for her to do that on cybertron#but i dont think shes healthy enough to realize that and leave#and i think 'noble sacrifice that returns her dignity and gives her comfort'#and 'true freedom to be herself no more and no less with the company of someone who actually likes and cares about her with no#responsibility or risk to her physical or mental health'#is like. really the best of both worlds i think it was good for her.#fix its where she gets brought back are cute and all but honestly i dont know. would she even want that. it would change everything#when shes finally for once comfortable and at peace#yk sometimes death is a GOOD THING IN NARRATIVES and she DIDNT EVEN REALLY ALL THE WAY DIE so like i thibk its fine.#i miss her tho. god i miss idw.
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Why does the shit that makes me cry always happen the evening after I have therapy and not before -_-
Like damn now I gotta wait another week+ before talking about this like fuck I gotta process this all by myself
#basically my mom's ptsd ended up getting redirected at me#and the result of all that has me spiraling now#and now i have to try to go to bed and get enough sleep so that i can wake up reasonably tomorrow#and looking at the script i got for an ekg and blood test#so that they can see if my heart is healthy and i can get stimulants#and then maybe fix my adhd and make me a good person#instead of the shitty shitty being i am now#and im frustrated bc i was ok and then stuff like this happens and i plunge and im not okay#and i still hate myself and still feel guilty and still want to [redacted]#and if i kept my mouth shut everything would just be fine#im sorry i needed to vent im just feeling a lot#i can delete later i need better coping mechanisms#but fuck#if anyone wants to give me $10k so i can move out thanks#jk dont actually do that
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...
#bluh. its been a long week and its not over bc i have to get this fucking manuscript done like fucking this weekend#and Sunday i have to go do fieldwork and then its Monday hhhhh#my boss: the meme of the week is productive women get shit done#and im like being called a woman in stem kills me a little more every time i hear it bleh im just trying to live my life#and by live i mean drain away all my time in the lab. uuuuh i need to rewrite these fucking methods and dun wanna#also fucking the coordinator lady who bought my plane ticket to visit one of my potential schools made it so that im gonna have to drive to#the airport at like 4am and then ill get back to my apartment at after 12am on the return. like i said my time was flexible but wtf lady?#its prob bc they were expensive tickets bc the fucking military#ugh. and the other school is like select 3 profs to meet with. and im like wtf y do i have to? if its just screening stuff y dont u just#assign it? i dont understand hhhh i dont wanna talk to them. i fucking dunno. at least i made it to the interview stage i guess#also also i was running today and randomly remembered that over the break my old bat of a nana was being stingy abt#money bc she said she was gonna give out inherentence to her kids while still alive so they would still be young enough to enjoy it#and my dad and uncle could retire a lil early and still pay for insurance and now shes going back on that bc she doesnt want taxes to go to#the government and my papa is like 85 and hes gotta b nearing deaths door and he cant reel her in anymore#anyway. point is she was talking to my uncle abt her reasons for keeping the money and she was talking shit on my mom for like the way she#spends money. like my mom has cancer u old fucking bitch. shes trying to enjoy her life a little before shes like dead or bedridden#shes also made comments abt my moms weight and like wtf lady she has cancer. shes had multiple abdominal surgeries she had a hernia for#like a real long time sorry shes not spending all her time exercising and eating tasteless healthy food like u#anyway i just think my nana is a bad person. so is my other grandma tbh my sister gets so pissed at her for ordering my mom around#like she treats her dog better than she ever did her kids. lol my grandparents just suck on both sides#and like everytime my parents r like go do things for ur grandparents im like fucking y? they're bad ppl#i dont kno how my parents r so normal#anyway wtf was i doing... ah right procrastinating#unrelated#srry for lack of drawings. just zero time 🫠#i lov my mum so much. she doesnt deserve any of this bullshit
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Anxiety makes enjoying good things so hard
#ignore me#my life has been too good lately and I'm starring to go insane from everything working#i hate myself so much#I've been trying ao be more social and be a good mom and be someone that my daughter can look up to and my husband can love#but it always ends up with me hating myself so fucking much#I've been eating too many sweets which already is setting a bad example qhen it comes to a healthy diet and my media consumption has been#worse lately and my anxiety is now making me unabke to sleep and I've stopped going on daily walks cause the pain is back#it was so nice not having it around for a while and it is makibg everything so much harder#the sleep makes me more irritable and i feel like all i do is fail my baby#my husbans said he doesnt feel loved by me anymore and I've been trying so hard to manage household baby and everything else but its not#enough i always feel like I'm never enough#I've been a horrible friend like always so i guess that is a constant thing in my life#as if that isnt the worst when my mental health gets worse i start getting flashbacks to remind me of everything that went wrong with me#and that just fuels my anxiety around my daughter living through everything i did as a child and i just cant do this#i just wish i could sleeo again#i think all of this is sleep deprivation but i don't know how to do everything without losing sleep or something#i just wanna rest and sleep for more then four hours without veing woken up#god what i would give for eight hours of continuous sleep#but my husbands shifts are so shit that i cant do that to him... also now that I'm at home he's the only one working and I'm terrified of#loosing him so i dont want him to be at work without sleeping well cause it could actually kill him#worst of all I'm just too stupid to ask for help or bother anyone with my stupid problems#and every time I'm away from her she just screams and i just can't take her screams anyo#anymore#i just want to pee and ahit and eat in peace
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man emotional vulnerability's so fucked lol like ive told a few ppl at work that my cat died & theyve all been like "oh my god that's so awful, im so sorry" etc etc & like Yea it's nice to have the condolences, but a part of me feels like im faking it for attention. then im like. uh. dude. ur cat really did die. ur not lying about this one bit.
tbh i sorta feel like if i wasnt there for the euthanasia & seeing him dead, i wouldnt believe it was really true. Even Then i keep having to remind myself.
shit's weird.
#speculation nation#animal death ment/#i know i said id try to stop posting about it. sorry.#it's just rly weird. i think im in the uh. whats it. denial phase?#less that i dont believe it happened and more. well#Factually i know it happened. Logically i know. i have the memories. i have the pictures. i have the Ashes.#but in my heart it doesnt feel like he's dead ykno? feels like i should look over and hear his obnoxious Mraaa as he wanders up to me#feels like i should be able to go out to my living room and greet him on the chairs out there. or see him in the windowsill#it's probably bc of how sudden it was. even holding my own mini funeral for him today wasnt enough to really drive it home.#not to mention how ive been compartmentalizing like Crazy to still be functional with work and such#like me picking up the bag today. seeing it & nearly breaking into tears right there#b4 i just Slammed that bitch shut. a harsh Don't Think About It. bc like hell im gonna cry in public more than monday night.#biking home wryly thinking about how it's the Second time ive brought a cat home in a bag. kinda morbid ngl.#not allowing myself to truly wallow in it probably has not been healthy for my processing overall. but im just trying 2 keep my sanity#i dont Want to be miserable. i dont Want to be depressed. so when ppl are giving it the rightful sorrow it deserves#im just standing there like. ah. Right. this Is something really awful. and i Am really broken up about it.#and in the end i know im not going to do anything different. because that's how all my negative emotions go.#Don't Think About It and It Won't Hurt Me. lmao no wonder i have problems with crying.#ive got emotional numbing down to an art form. ive been So good at it ever since i was a teenager.#and im gonna keep leaning on it however much i need to. better to be fake happy than true miserable.#pretend youre happy for long enough and it starts to feel real (until it doesnt). i'll take the fake shit over reality any day.#negative/#i guess.
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IMPORTANT POST PLEASE READ
Im gonna be honest and open for a sec, and please do not take this as "oh I HATE my community or I dont like the people who watch me" but honestly as of late (and I did highlight this during the mcc bit), ive felt like I havent been able to really be in my own community simply because of the constant way that "discourse" is handled.
Making vague posts and not really tackling issues in a good way, all that is going to do is just show people a big "THIS COMMUNITY BAD" sign and not actually help anything within the community, all its going to do is have the good and potentially good people leave or not join in the first place. The way that discourse is treated that ive seen has been the main reason why I have started to try to distance myself, which has been the most heartbreaking thing I have had to do. I want problems to be solved in a mature, civil way, with either a dm or a reply, not an entire vague thing that only says "bad things are happening" and doesnt elaborate on anything or barely elaboratesa and only gives people on both the inside and outside a bad sign of what the community is. Making posts whenever something happens being like "here we go again" is only going to highlight the wrong things, and actually DOESNT help the issue at all! The problems should be discussed directly with the people who are doing said problems FIRST! Bring attention to behaviors and things that arent good DIRECTLY!
And also, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO!!! It is not your duty as a viewer or fan of me to be involved in any of this if you do not want to! Just enjoy the content and make silly posts! As someone who constantly tried to fix and get into every problem as it was happening, it took a huge toll on my mental health, and I want you guys to just be able to enjoy the content without having to worry about what you say about it! Be constructive! Dont make posts again just being like "wow this community is so bad" because that doesnt solve literally anything! If you have enough passion to make the posts saying "wow this community is bad" then only post about that, you are only spreading that negative message, and not uplifting anything of actual value! And if the person you are trying to help is not willing or not listening, BLOCK! MUTE! DONT BRING MORE ATTENTION TO THE PERSON IF THEY ARE NOT BEING A GOOD PART OF THE COMMUNITY!!!!
I know I say that if I see problems I will call them out, but I shouldnt have to babysit every single time a thing happens within the community as that just isnt a healthy way for a creator or a community to be handled. This does not mean that I do not care about the issues or dont want them fixed, rather it shouldnt take me having to make some grand statement every single time something happens it should take only your own self reflection and self awareness. And to add onto this, make sure that every once in a while no matter who you are you think and have that self reflection, you should be open to being willing to learn and grow as a person!
And again, I do NOT want anyone taking this as "Wow this community is terrible" but rather that we just have things that need to be fixed and changed and THAT IS OKAY! I do not hate the community, I care so much about it that I want it to be a silly place for my content again! I want it to be the reason why people get into what I do because of it again! And I want to be able to just have fun and relax without having to worry about how every single thing that I may say could have someone stirring things up that simply dont help or solve anything!
Take care of yourselves. And this isnt coming from a place of "I hate the community as a whole" but rather again I want to be able to exist and make content that we can all enjoy without having to worry about walking on eggshells around me or around eachother!
At the end of the day im just a fella that wants to make silly videos for you all, and you are people who enjoy said videos. Nothing more. Nothing less.
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(Content warning for eating disorder mention)
The most fucked up thing I've learned about recently, when I really sat down to think of it, is how fat people with eating disorders are treated. When a person is very thin and has the behaviors we associate with anorexia we would know that telling them they're too fat for treatment is just. Fucking evil, it's an evil thing to do to someone, but that's exactly what people with "atypical" anorexia face if they seek treatment and the atypical part in my understanding is just being larger than the BMI "regular" anorexia has to qualify for having the disorder.
Like instead of using the same fucking term we decided fat people with eating disorders were built wrong somehow and thus need a Special Term™️ rather than defining eating disorders around the behaviors associated with them, not the body type of those who suffer from them. Just thinking about the way even thinner people who aren't thin enough trying to get treatment and being told they're too healthy or too fat for it makes my blood boil with rage when we would never treat someone who's eating disorder shows up strongly on their frame this way because we'd immediately recognize how disgusting that is.
#winters ramblings#yall gotta check out the podcast maintenance phase and also aubry gordons books#but like the one ep they did they had a guest on whi had an ED at two different points in her life and the second time#she was not extremely thin. she got told when she sought treatment to look at herself and look at everyone else#and then the person asked WHY she was there. SHE ALREADY HAD AN ED. SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS EXPERIENCING#how FUCKING DISGUSTING do you have to be to tell someone who just told you they have an EATING DISORDER#to LOOK AROUND BC CLEARLY THEYRE TOO FUCKING FAT FOR TREATMENT. amd what of people who JUST got an ED??#ehat do they have to be on deaths door for you to give a shit?? fuck you thats horrific and cruel and a lot of other words i dont have#like thats just EVIL man. fuckin EVIL and im not much one for believing in evil the way we concenceptualize it#but like holy fucking SHIT how else do you look at something like that??!? why the FUCK would you EVER say#something like that so someone who is TELLING you theyre sick?? and you say NO YOURE NOT??#like the person MP had on had ALREADY been treated for an ED. she KNEW what was happening to her#and this ALLEGED professional reacted like that lioe fucking congrats on potentially making someone WAY SICKER#like i just cant get over that id have LOST IT on that fucking twit at the treatment center. the whole block would have been aware#of what i thought and wjere i wanted that person to go what to do whaen they get there and where to go after that too#like !!!! what the fuck!!!! like if youre willing to let sick people get SICKER just to prove their sickness to you before you treat them#you have NO BUSINESS being in the medial or mental health professions. acting like that you might as well be a cop#like yes i also know that several drs did this exact thing to me but with depression and thats why it hits a nerve#BUT I DONT THINK I NEED THAT SHITTY TREATMENT FROM DRS TO KNOW HOW FUCKED UP IT IS#TO TELL SOMEONE WITH AN ED THAT THEYRE TOO HEALTHY OR NOT THIN ENOUGH FOR TREATMENT#like are you TRYING to make them WORSE??!? how DARE you!!
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It's a Match! || poly!141 x Reader
[Chapter 29] || [Chapter 31]
Pairing: 141 x gn!Reader
Words: 1.4K~
cw: injuries + recovery
Summary: While overcoming recent heartbreak, you decide to join Tinder in search of a rebound. Your friends advise to just Swipe Right indiscriminately... What happens when 4 soldiers from the same squad match with you?
a/n: johnny is a filthy man :) but also we love him so is that a problem? no, it's not.
Chapter 30: Playing House
It took a while, but, Simon got healthy, and John and Kyle got their soreness’ settled enough to be able to go back to work.
Johnny, however, needed a little extra TLC. Being shot in the shoulder involved a longer period of medical leave, paired with a long while of physical therapy…
And that means that he decided to make himself your problem.
The rest of the lads left on a mission a few days after being cleared and, as such, left Johnny with you. Not because the lad is incapable of looking after himself, but more so because he, himself, decided he didn’t want to be away from you.
And so, whenever you leave for work, Johnny leaves for PT, then, goes to base for a bit, mostly doing work on things that he can feasibly do without straining his left shoulder/arm… Like doing paperwork and reports, going to the gym for cardio, crunches, and leg and hip workouts… Then he comes home to you.
He goes shopping for you, cooks you dinner, cleans after the two of you, despite your insistence that he rest… But, as it turns out, Johnny isn’t good at that.
Nonetheless, the flat is cleaner than ever before, Johnny’s drawing supplies are permanently stationed on the dining room table, next to your laptop, and some of his clothes have taken a permanent spot in your closet.
And, of course, he spends every night in your bed, spooning you from behind and hiding his face in your neck while you watch tiktoks, talk, or he regale you with the most ridiculous of puns.
In a way, it’s like Johnny MacTavish is your live-in boyfriend. Or, rather, that you’re playing house with him.
You wouldn’t say you hate it. In fact, it’s quite nice to have someone staying with you all night… Johnny is a good partner, he’s helpful and chill and provides wonderful cuddles…
Though you’ve jokingly started calling him ‘Johnny Price’, because, since he hasn’t been working for a month now, he’s let his beard grow out. And he looks like Price more often than he does not.
It’s on week three of your new routine with Johnny when you’re at work, that you get a text from him:
Johnny: guess what bonnie.
Johnny: [1 Video Attachment]
You definitely should’ve put on some headphones before you watched that video during work… His grunting and groaning was almost pornographic and definitely earned you a few confused/worried looks from your coworkers…
But all you could think of was how he was finally easing back into his arm/shoulder workouts, which meant he finally got cleared by his PT to do as such!
you: did you finally get cleared johnny? 🥺
Johnny: cleared at 50%.
Johnny: not there yet. but soon.
you: I’M SO PROUD OF YOU! 🫶🫶🫶
Johnny: thank ye bonnie
you: this calls for a celebration!
Johnny: i like how ye think bonnie but im not cleared yet to be able to manhandle ye 😏
you: get ur mind out of the gutter johnny price!!!!!!!!
Johnny: oof not ye still calling me that!
you: ur beard is looking like his what do u expect of me! 🙄
Johnny: yer right idk what i expected.
Johnny: so about this celebration.
you: i was thinking we go out for dinner?
Johnny: are we going to dress up nice?
you: i wasn’t thinking we’d go somewhere super fancy because i do not have money johnnyyyy
Johnny: oh good because i dont think i can button up a shirt my shoulder is sore 😖
you: okay then! nando’s!!! 🫶
you: and i’ll give you a shoulder rub when we get home
Johnny: speaking my language bonnie.
And so that’s what you did. You went home in a hurry to shower and change, and, for once, Johnny wasn’t there, having chosen to shower and change at base.
You met up in front of the Nando’s closest to your flat and you immediately chuckled at the sight of him. Sure, he had changed, but he was still very much wearing a pair of jeans, sneakers and a grey zip-up hoodie… Although you could very obviously tell he was naked beneath the hoodie.
“Mo leannan.” He murmured in an exaggeratedly polite tone as he popped the door open for you with his good arm.
“Thank you, my good sir…” You joked, which caused you both to chuckle and shake your head.
You got inside, ordered your food and, as you talked, you site adjacent to him, right on his left side, so you could gently rub his arm with your hand.
“Do you miss the lads?” You ended up asking him as you caressed his bicep and shoulder with your hand, watching him wince a bit at it, because he felt so sore from his first workout.
“A little.” Johnny admitted as he looked toward you. “Do you miss ‘em?” He returned the question. You found yourself nodding in reply.
“Having you here is wonderful though… I… quite miss you lot when you’re all gone together. Not to mention I worry sick for you.” You admitted and pressed your lips together a bit awkwardly.
“You do?” He asked you, to which you nodded. So, he continued. “Well.. I guess I understand. I imagine my mam and sisters worry about me too… As do the Kyle and the Captain’s families.” He conceded.
“That’s actually…” You found yourself trailing off as the waiter brought you your orders and you thanked him, unboxing your food so you could dig in.
“As I was saying…” You trailed off. “That’s actually an interesting point… I feel like I know very little about you and the guys’ when it comes to your personal lives… Outside of hobbies and what you do with me.” You mused as you glanced at him as he dug into his double chicken burger one-handed.
“I don’t know much about the others myself to be honest with you.” Johnny admitted as he stole one of your chips off your plate.
“Really?” You asked softly as you ate your own sandwich yourself, nodding along as he continued speaking.
“We try to keep our… ‘outside’ lives under wraps. Even being a team… what we talk about is always very superficial.” He trailed off.
“So you don’t know anything about the rest of them, nor them about you?” You cocked a brow in confusion.
“Oh, no, bonnie, I talk about myself a whole lot, I’m a blabber mouth, me.” He joked and winked at you. “But family is one of those topics that’s best kept under wraps in our line of work.” He told you as he leaned in, rubbing his thumb on the corner of your mouth to wipe it clean of peri-peri sauce. Then, he sucked his own thumb clean.
“What about me? Do I get to know about you?” You asked him playfully as you leaned forward, setting your elbow on the table as you lean in to him, eyebrows raised in intrigue.
“Tell ye what, bonnie.” Johnny leaned toward you too, licking his fingers clean and then wiping them on a napkin before he set a hand on your thigh under the table. “Anything I tell ye about my family is not going to do them justice… So how about I take ye up to meet my family over the summer… And ye meet them directly? Could even take the Captain, Simon and Kyle with us.” He offered.
Your eyes widened a bit and you blinked away the surprise, staring at him like he had grown a second head.
“Meeting your family? Really? Isn’t it a bit early for that…?” You chuckled a bit sheepishly.
“Aye, maybe it is…” He trailed off. “But at this point, I’m basically livin’ wit ye and ye’ve looked after me in sickness, haven’t ye?” He joked. “And I’ve fended off yer ex… so I’ve looked after ye in health, haven’t I?”
Rolling your eyes in amusement, you shook your head. You knew he was just joking, the look in his eyes showed it… “Are you implying that we’re married, Johnny?” You teased him playfully.
“I’m just saying…” He trailed off playfully, a playful smirk on his lips. “And, if we were married, not saying that we are,… I’d make sure to take ye home tonight and rearrange yer guts if ye let me, mo leannan.”
Looking away and biting your lip, you couldn’t help but chuckle. “Shut it…” You trailed off. “You need to rest, your shoulder’s bad still.”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t use my mouth on ye… and that you can’t be on top.” He added before he grabbed another one of your chips and popped it in his mouth.
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taglist (CLOSED! not adding anyone else, sorry!):
@daisychainsinknots , @bunnysdaydreams , @iite-cool , @lahniu , @pagesfalling ,
@tapioca-milktea1978 , @live-love-be-unique , @thelaisydazy , @littleghosthunter , @bossva ,
@emotion-no-hot-yes-hotel-trivago , @chamomiletealeaf , @ghosts-hoe , @kariiiel , @ltbarnes ,
@irregulardongyoung , @spacelia , @hayleybarnesx , @cod-z , @frescoisnotinthemilitary ,
@leeeenistop , @lucienbarkbark , @xxshadowbabexx , @severenswife , @enarien ,
@agoodmoviekiss , @l0lziez , @whos-fran , @greatstormcat , @openup-yourmind ,
@neoarchipelago , @sodavrr , @cutiecusp , @lilliumrorum , @c-nstantine ,
@kneelforloki , @comeonatmebruh , @codsunshine , @waiting-so-long , @captainquake42 ,
@gazspookiebear , @mynameismisty , @reap3erslov3 , @reaper-chan666 , @poohkie90 ,
@kitwithnokat , @stick-the-dumbass , @mothsdrabbles , @justanerd1 , @thesinsoflust ,
@thriving-n-jiving , @blckbrrybasket
#ikea writes 💚#it's a match! fic#cod modern warfare#cod fanfic#captain john price#john soap mactavish#kyle gaz garrick#simon ghost riley#text story#cod x reader#call of duty x reader#141 x reader
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NEW YEARS KISS
“your best friend decides to volunteer when you complain about not having anyone to kiss on new year’s eve!”
pairing: bff!gyuvin x gn!reader
genre: fluff!!, friends to lovers!!
warnings: reader is somewhat of a romantic (?), reader is also said to be a little inexperienced in terms of dating!!, a little (implied?) jealousy from gyuvin, seunghan cameo (1. FREE HIM!! HE DID NOTHING!! 2. he was the first non-jebi guy i thought of <3), they’re cute <3, this is nawt my best work i literally wrote this on new year’s eve while with my family 😭
notes: HAPPY NEW YEAR MY POOKIES!! i hope all of you have an amazing, healthy and happy 2024 🥹🫶🏻 may all your goals come to fruition!! also, i’m very excited for a new year with my jebis, may they continue to thrive and be as happy as they can be <3 also, hope wakeone burns down xoxo MWAH LOVE U ALL <33 ALSO!! i picked gyuvin for this bc some knetz are pissing me off currently with their stupid hate for gyuvin, so i decided to write this bc i LOVE KIM GYUVIN!! IF YOU DONT MAY GOD STRIKE YOU DOWN
word count: 1.6k
you don’t mind being single, really. it’s not really the ‘being single’ part that makes you feel weird, but rather just…not getting to have the same experiences as your friends. always having to sit and nod along when they talk about a date they went on, or how they celebrated a holiday with their partner. it’s exhausting being surrounded by couples all the time. they’re all your friends and you’re happy for them, but when it comes to events like this, you really wish you’d have more single friends.
new year’s eve is supposed to be fun, filled with laughter and loud excitement for the coming year — it is all that, but it’s also you watching your friends huddle together once the countdown to midnight starts, sharing sweet nothings before celebrating the new year with a sickeningly sweet new years kiss.
all while you kind of just stand there, celebrating the arrival of yet another year on your own. for those few lips-locking seconds, at least. is it a little silly to feel left out? of course, but is it really that absurd to want to experience a new years kiss just like everyone else? well, you don’t think so. gyuvin, your best friend, sees things a little differently, though.
“it’s so stupid, i don’t get why you’re so hung up on it,” gyuvin huffs past his snacking on some chips, throwing you a sideways glance. “just think about it, most of them have a different new year’s kiss every year. does that seem like something you want?” you roll your eyes, snatching the bag of chips from his hands. “you don’t get it,” you stuff a handful of chips into your mouth, “it’s romantic. it’s like saying ‘i have no idea what the new year will bring, but at least i will always have you.’ you’re not romantic enough for this.”
gyuvin just gives you a skeptic look, turning his attention back to the drama playing on your tv. it’s silent for a while, both of you a little lost in your respective thoughts until gyuvin quietly speaks up, “does it really bother you? that you don’t have someone to….” he trails off, voice a little unsure. his voice is sincere and doesn’t have the teasing tone it had earlier so you’re a little caught off guard.
you clear your throat, answering in an equally small voice, “well…yeah, kinda? i don’t know. i just think it would be…nice, for a change, you know? i want to experience stuff like that too, instead of just always watching from the sidelines.” gyuvin nods, seemingly understanding where you’re coming from, and that was that. for now, at least.
you didn’t think much of that little one off conversation, neither of you bringing it up again in the weeks that followed. though, unbeknownst to you, that seemingly unimportant conversation kept knocking at the back of gyuvin’s mind every single day. he thought about it an embarrassing amount, really. he kept telling himself that it was because he thought you were being silly, and all those times he thought about being the one giving you your new year’s kiss were definitely nothing more than fleeting, stupid thoughts. nothing more.
which is why gyuvin is so conflicted when he walks through the door of your little friend group get together on new year’s eve, bags of snacks in hand, only to see you laughing with a guy he hasn’t seen before. there’s an unfamiliar feeling bubbling in his chest and he almost involuntarily thinks back to your conversation, to the fact that you really want to kiss someone once the clock strikes midnight — and it starts to mess with his head.
he’s quickly roped into a conversation with ricky and some of his other friends, though his eye seem to be glued to you instead of the people talking to him right in front of him; his eyes drifting back to you giggling along to whatever that strange guy was talking about every few minutes, the unsettled feeling in his chest spreading all over his body. “are you even listening?” gyuvin’s attention is ripped away from staring holes in that guys head when ricky addresses him directly, ricky’s hand on his shoulder bringing him back to reality.
“yeah, sorry.” the smile on gyuvin’s face is tight, ricky glancing to where you’re still speaking to the guy and it all makes sense to him. he sends gyuvin a sympathetic look and tries to keep up the conversation, though it’s clear gyuvin’s mind is entirely preoccupied.
when the calls for new snacks start, gyuvin immediately volunteers to filling the bowls back up in the kitchen, if only to avoid his eyes from drifting back to you and the guy — whose name is seunghan, he learned — and in turn dampening his mood even further. today is supposed to be fun, why is he moping around like this?
“what did the chips do to you? you’re practically glaring ar them,” gyuvin’s head whips around at your voice, the playful smile on your face lifting some of the heaviness in his chest when he sees you standing in the doorway.
“oh, hey.” gyuvin gives you a small smile and goes back to his snack duties while trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, “who’s the guy you’ve been talking to? you bring him along?”
shaking your head you reach over to steal a handful of cheese puffs gyuvin had just emptied into a bowl, “not me, but ahrin. his name is seunghan and she has her eye on him,” you mumble, “he’s funny and they both seem to like each other.” gyuvin nods, hand absentmindedly playing with his sleeves, “you think she’ll go for the new years kiss with him?” gyuvin asks, and you can tell he regrets the question as soon as he asked it.
you just shrug silently, the sudden mention of the kiss rendering you a little speechless. “ and you? you got anyone to kiss this year?” gyuvin says in an overly sarcastic tone, seemingly in an effort to loosen the tension a little. you snort at that, “ha ha, very funny. leave me and my romantic aspirations alone,” the lightheartedness in your voice makes gyuvin relax a little, and just when he’s about to speak, someone bangs against the kitchen door, demanding your attention.
“c’mon you two, we’re playing some games,” matthew calls before rushing back to the living room. you and gyuvin share a short glance before loading up on all the snacks and following suit, excited for the mess that is most definitely about to ensue.
two screaming matches, one round of (rigged, according to hao) just dance, three bowls of snacks and dozens of tears spilt through laughter later and the almost dreaded countdown to midnight is inching closer. the couples are slowly starting to separate from the group again, looking for an area that is less crowded and a little more romantic. your high mood is slowly starting to go down, the feeling of once again being the third wheel, in a way, accompanied by this off-putting feeling of loneliness in a room full of your friends bringing the self-doubt at the back of your mind to the forefront again.
gyuvin plops down next to you, stretching his long limbs with a groan, “god i hate sitting on the floor,” he looks around, the amount of couples in your friend group only now really hitting him, “damn, is that kiss really that important?” it was a rhetorical question, really, and he was speaking to himself more than anything, yet you turn to scowl at him.
you open your mouth to go on a rant about the lack of romance in gyuvin’s mindset when he suddenly turns to you, cheeks a little flushed but eyes filled with determination, “i’ll do it.”
you blink at him, “huh? do what?” gyuvin swallows, “kiss you. give you the new years kiss you want.” it takes a second for his words to register, before you splutter at him incredulously, “what— gyuvin why would we—“
“okay, time for the countdown! ten!” you hear from the other side of the room, and panic starts to fill gyuvin’s expression. “because i want to. i’ve been thinking about it ever since you mentioned it, and—“
“seven!”
“you said it was like saying that i have no idea what the new year will bring, but at least i will always have you, right?” his eyes search for yours, his pupils shaking and you nod, still a little stunned.
“four!”
“that’s exactly i want to tell you. so please—“
“three!”
“i want to be the one to give you your new years kiss. if you want—“
“two!”
and then, it happens. you grab his face and pull him close, hesitation for just a millisecond before your lips meet right as it reaches midnight. the fireworks outside colouring the sky feel almost pathetic in comparison to the burst of emotions exploding in your chest, it’s warm and fuzzy and just feels so right.
both of your faces are flushed bright red as your lips separate, but neither of you can keep from biting back the goofy smiles spreading on your faces. before you can even begin to think of something to say gyuvin leans back in, pressing another kiss to your lips.
and another. and another…and another.
you only separate for good when your giggles break through the kiss, gyuvin’s hands cupping your face, “i’d say that was a pretty good start into the new year, no?”
#zb1#zb1 fluff#zb1 drabbles#zb1 reactions#zb1 scenarios#zb1 imagines#zerobaseone#zerobaseone gyuvin#zb1 gyuvin#gyuvin zb1#gyuvin#gyuvin fluff#gyuvin x reader#gyuvin scenarios#gyuvin oneshot#gyuvin imagines#zb1 x reader#gyuvin drabbles#zb1 oneshots#kim gyuvin
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kang taehyun — as your sugar daddy (bf).
nsfw, mdni.
— “i’ll be back honey, ‘m gonna get to work now. left you some cash on the tabletop, get yourself something nice for breakfast okay?”
— busy ceo who works 9-5 on most days :/
— picks you up from your uni and part-time job at a cafe when he has time to spare while working
— obviously you’re only working because you’ve always wanted to be a barista, you’ve got a big strong man to pay your bills for you
— gets his secretary to get his coffee from the cafe you work at, specially brewed by you
— pampers you with so many little gifts
— if you need anything just tell daddy, he’ll get it for you~
— shopping every weekend is a must.
— fancy dinners at high-end restaurants occasionally has become the norm for you
— has you go with him to company dinners hehe
— he takes his role as a sugar daddy very seriously!!
— makes sure his princess is happy to every extent he can help with
— when he praises its so so full of love and adoration but when you get bratty..
— his punishments are pretty harsh too..!
— on nights where he has to work overtime he sends you a selfie of him looking absolutely scrumptious, captioning “touch yourself a little yeah? you’ll have to go to sleep without cock today.”
— is more than willing to give you head every day because he just is that down bad for you
— but he’ll never admit it~~
— you practically live in his luxurious apartment since you almost never go back to dorms, only when you need something
— whatever is his, is yours.
— do i ever mention enough that this man LOVES seeing you all ruined and submissive under him
— you’re his pillow princess because he says so
— “i’ve ruined you too good for anyone else huh? you love daddy’s cock don’t you? say it baby, wanna hear how good i make you feel.”
— loves dumbing you out because he's supposed to have the brains :3
— his aftercare (and usual treatment) feels like absolute royalty.
— “do you feel okay princess? need water or snacks?”
— “do you wanna have ice cream and watch sofia the first, honey?
— loves paying for your nails aaaa
— literally everyone envies you for having such a sweet bf (+ sugar daddy lol)
— just loves loves loveeees you sm like literally his heart could burst from how much love he holds for you in his heart (even though he has a pretty big heart...)
— you're the apple of his eye.
— expect nothing lesser than the best from the kang taehyun :p
author's note - happy birthday to the handsome n loving n kind n caring n cutie n sexy n adorable n sweetheart kang taehyun!! to our dear tyunie, i hope you have a wonderful birthday and be happy! i wish for all the best for you n i hope all your dreams will come through hehe. thank you so much for existing n coming into my life. even if you dont know of my existence, i know of yours and that is more than enough for me. i really hope youre always happy, healthy n safe, n i hope youre not overworking yourself. ill continue to love you as i always have and even more if my heart could handle it. happy birthday my prince💗
#txt smut#txt hard hours#txt hard thoughts#txt x reader#txt fics#txt imagines#taehyun smut#taehyun hard thoughts#taehyun hard hours#taehyun x reader#taehyun fics#taehyun imagines#taehyun headcanons#txt headcanons#evelyn's works ⭐️#i feel like i lowkey flopped with this#idk im sorry im a lil rusty#ugshgshg
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hi do you take requests?
if you dont, feel free to ignore, but if you do..
imagine dr ratio having a wife/husband(reader), or lover whatever. they've been married for a long whike now on a really healthy relationship. reader is a opposite to ratio, a calm collected individual who doesn't lash out
but what happens when ratio became so stubborn the reader snaps and calls dr ratio by his full name? especially in front of people?
kinda want to know your perspective and jow you write this
(i love ut writing :3 its still okay to ignore though)
彡prompt: you love dr. ratio, you do. but sometimes he can irritate the shit out of you.
彡warning(s): swearing. sorta angsty, but it’s somehow fluff. probably ooc! ratio?
彡notes: dividers by cafekitsune.
Y’know, usually date nights with a loving partner are supposed to go well. And yours with Veritas did, but only until you two started having a back and forth on paying the tip.
“Veritas, please. It’s only 100 credits.” You pinched your temple. Seriously, the waitress was nice! She wasn’t too pushy, there wasn’t any attitude. One small tip wouldn’t hurt.
“What is there to tip the woman for? For doing her job right?” He crossed his legs. “Darling, you must understand that a waitress who isn’t unbearably contemptible isn’t one deserving of a tip.”
“For fucks sake…she’s gonna come over here in less than five minutes. If you don’t want to pay her, I will.” As soon as you took out your wallet, Veritas just shook his head.
You were endearing and your emotional intelligence was admirable. But for goodness sakes, you seemed just a little too insistent on spending extra credits for somebody just doing their job.
As if it was right on cue, you gave the waitress the bill, along with a 100 credit tip with a smile.
It wasn’t until you stopped the waitress from leaving to give her another 50 credits that Veritas just huffed and snatched the money out of your hands.
“Okay, that’s enough. She doesn’t need anymore money than you gave her.” He put your credits in his wallet, glaring at you. “Don’t be so careless with your credits.”
The nervous waitress looked at him, then at you. Her nerves only increased as she saw your eye twitch.
You raised your voice. “Veritas Ratio, quit being prudish and give her the credits!”
It wasn’t the yelling that made him recoil, it was the anger in your tone and voice. Frustration wasn’t new, but you were actually mad at him.
Noticing the eyes on you, your boyfriend, and the poor…poor waitress, your anger subsided.
“Uh…Please. Please give her the credits.” You spoke softly now, mumbling a softer ‘thanks’ as he handed her the money.
However, the waitress took a deep breath, and spoke up. “I can assure you 100 credits is more than enough for me. But thank you.” The waitress smiled at you and walked off with the check.
You picked at your nails, lip quivering as you thought about what you should say to your boyfriend—who was several steps ahead of you.
Noticing this, he looked at you as he continued walking. “If you feel guilt–ridden because you think you’ve hurt my feelings, then banish the thought immediately.”
You rushed next to him, looking at him with lingering feelings of doubt and regret. “Yeah well, I’m sorry for yelling at you and making a scene.”
God, what’s wrong with me? You thought to yourself.
He frowned, watching tears brim your eyelashes. “It’s not like you weren’t provoked.” He sighed before continuing.
“But, in all honesty sweetheart, I thought you were being too benevolent like always.”
Biting the inside of your cheek, you stared at your shoes.
“Though, your attempt at trying to put me in my place made me reconsider something.” He stopped, eyeing you.
“I considered you to be someone who’s too kind for their own good. That was one of the things I wanted you to work on.”
And you swear you saw him smile for a second. “But, you’re still capable of standing your ground, so perhaps I misjudged. Apologies.”
Embarrassed, you scratched your cheek. “That’s sweet of you, Ver–ow!”
He pinched your cheek with his fingertips. “Though, the next time you want to raise your voice at me, I’d prefer you do it in a more private setting.”
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hi! hope you’re doing well and staying healthy 🩵
I was wondering if I could request a wayv reaction to their s/o out of nowhere smothering them with kisses please? hehe that’ll be all
thanks! <3
omg i literally love this my heart is sparkling !!
hope you enjoy !!
all the love ~ lunar
WayV Reactions: smothering them with kisses
Kun
initially he is going to be shocked, but like he would just kinda freeze where he is and process what is happening
once he finally understands that you are showing your love and affection, he swoops you into the warmest embrace
even if he tried, the smile etched on his lips is not going away any time soon
he would do one of those hugs where he picks you up and spins you around (a dream truly)
once he sets you back on the ground, he gladly returns the affection, making you flustered too
now the two of you are a blushing giggling mess but like its the cutest thing in the world
with Kun, there’s something about it that’s almost like …. domestic
like the two of you never really get out of the honeymoon phase cause yall are just so excited when you get to see each other
and things like this never fail to show that
rest of members below the cut
Ten
oh goodness ….
at first he might question whats happening
like whats with the sudden rush of affection (not that hes complaining)
would first ask if you’re okay
and then this man is going to tease you relentlessly
“you miss me baby?” “i know, you want me so bad”
low key his teasing might ruin the moment
however !! he never fails to bring it back
like if u smother him with affection, and he starts teasing you, and you give him the side eye, hes gonna grab you and wrap you up in his arms and start leaving smooches all over your neck
slight chance it could turn into something steamyyy ;)
Winwin
genuinely would not know what to do
like he would turn into a sim (iykyk)
and would become an absolute blushing mess
once you’re done, he would just smile, and kiss your cheek
but honestly he would be too stunned to speak, like he would just be there blushing and giggling to himself
i think he has a little bit of a hard time in the sense that he always wants to make others happy, but when someone like compliments him, or when his partner shows him affection, he might freeze a little
but once he becomes more comfortable with the spontaneous smooches, hes more than happy to return them !!
honestly i think he would have an easier time showing affection to his partner
but he still would freeze up when the affection is a surprise like this
loves it regardless !!
Xiaojun
sweet baby angel is so shocked…
like he initially is worried that you’re upset about something, or that he hasn’t given you enough attention
starts asking if you are okay, or if something is wrong
once he finds out you’re okay, he smiles and pulls you in for a hug
he’s so sweet, but the embrace is low key a cover for the tickles that hes about to shock you with
will literally stand there tickling you, not to be mean or anything like that, just because he enjoys hearing your laugh
when hes done with the tickles, he smooches your lips a few times before pulling you back into a hug
will probably pull you to the couch and just hold you for a little bit too
simply wants to enjoy your presence, but he wont be able to hide the blush from your previous kisses
Hendery
i love this man with my entire being omg
Hendery will stand there as if he is processing what just happened
in reality, hes planning something else
hes really looking around and making sure the area is safe before he tackles you to the ground so that you dont actually get hurt
an affectionate tackle, that leads to an affectionate tickle fight, that leads to you literally crying from laughing so hard
yes he is blushing, but now you look like a tomato after he is done with his tickle fight
“Hendery, i just wanted to kiss you!! why did you tickle me?” “because i’m literally in love with you”
after you catch your breath, still pinned on the ground, he places the softest yet most passionate kiss on your lips
as if you werent already breathless before ….
“you know, you didnt kiss my lips once… you kissed everywhere but my lips actually…”
the playful smirk never leaving his face as he teases you
omg i’m getting carried away…..
Yangyang
omg Yangyang is literally so cute about it
initially he will be a little surprised, but once your kiss attack has ended, its his turn
as soon as you stop smothering him in kisses, he starts smothering you in kisses
genuinely, i could see this continuing for a while too
like just back and forth attacking each other with affection
as it keeps going, he keeps getting closer and closer to your lips, till you two are locked in a passionate kiss
by the end of it, both of you are blushing like crazy, and giggling like you’ve gone mad
hes absolutely pulling you into his lap, and simply staring at you as if there is nothing more beautiful in the world (hes not wrong)
keeps you in his lap the rest of the night
genuinely will pout if you try to leave
like “you just smothered me with affection, and now you have the audacity to sit anywhere but my lap???”
refuses to let you go (unless he absolutely has to)
hes just so happy that you are his and he loves when you show him affection !!
#lunars alternate reality#lunars dimension#lunars love#wayv reactions#wayv kun#wayv ten#wayv winwin#wayv xiaojun#wayv hendery#wayv yangyang#nct wayv#wayv#wayv icons#wayv imagines#wayv x reader#wayv scenarios#wayv headcanons#wayv soft thoughts#wayv soft hours#wayv x you#nct kun#nct ten#nct winwin#nct xiaojun#nct hendery#nct yangyang#nct headcanons#nct reactions#nct imagines#nct soft hours
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Baby daddy rafe being hit on everyone at the country club and reader not being able to do anything cuz they’re not together<//33
🧸✧˖°❅🍥
you don’t even know why you come to this stupid place anymore.
you supposed it was to keep up appearances. you didn’t wanna be that girl that turned twenty, got pregnant and then disappeared off the radar. why should you have to live in shame of being a young parent if rafe cameron didn’t? you refused, hence why you were taking a quiet afternoon off, sitting with a glass of wine at the country club enjoying the sunshine before you’d have to return to motherhood.
you didn’t expect him to be there at the same time you were. you try it to be cool about it, because you knew you were not with him — but seeing him surrounded by a group of girls batting their lashes and twirling their hair up at him made you feel… icky. you were protective, you supposed. sure, you weren’t together but that was the father of your child. the wine gave you that little confidence boost, so you decide to go and intervene, make something up.
flattening out your sundress you totter over, briefly losing that confidence for a moment as you stand to the side, waiting for your turn to be noticed like the rest of them. when he does, he cuts the flirtatious laughter short to politely shoo them away, wandering over to you.
“hi.” you state bashfully, embarrassed that you have to take up any of his time as if he didn’t put a whole baby in your stomach.
“hey, uh… how’s my girl?” he asks, and for a brief hopeful moment you think he’s talking about you. your chest warms anyway.
“she’s good. sarah is babysitting right now.” you explain softly, finding it hard to hold the eye contact. your eyes drift over to the girls he was speaking to instead, noticing their jealous glares. rafe hums, bringing his beer bottle to his lips and taking a sip.
“‘long as she’s not letting my baby around those pogues.” he comments, displeased and your heart sinks a little. you hate when he’s disappointed. maybe your hormones were still all out of whack. “was there… something you needed from me?”
you blink up at him dumbly, conjuring up an excuse. “w— uh… i was wondering… when you wanted to see her?” you fiddle with your hands, body heating up at how ill prepared you were for this conversation. he blinks, shifting on his feet.
“do i not…come and see her every weekend? i dont…” he frowns, genuinely confused. your eyes widen as you nod.
“yeah, no — of course i was just… wondering if you wanted to see her during the week too or anything? if you maybe wanted to…come over just for a little while?” you shrug, trying to make it as casual as possible. he stares at you for a moment like he’s trying to read you before looking around.
“you— you know i’m a very busy man now and —” he starts but you cut him off, already too hurt to let him continue.
“yeah! no it’s okay i totally get it rafe. i don’t wanna impede, you’re already doing a lot and i don’t wanna ask too m—” you go to ramble politely, humiliated at the speed in which the fat tears spring to your eyes.
“hey— let me finish, alright?” he places two hands on your shoulders and you immediately shut up, blinking up at him tearfully. “what i was going to say, okay — is — is that i’m a busy man now, but… you say the word and… i’ll drop everything, yeah? whats the problem have — have you been struggling with… with the baby or, what?” he looks concerned. maybe it was fatherhood that was changing him but you could tell he genuinely gave a shit. no he wasn’t fully rid of his boyish troublesome ways but there had definitely been a shift and that was enough to relieve you. he watches the stress physically melt from your body, brow relaxing as you sigh.
“not a…problem, rafe really it’s okay i just… it can be a little lonely… and i suppose i just want her to see her parents interacting, show her that we’re okay with eachother you know? give her some healthy ideals.” you explain, but really he stopped listening after the word lonely.
“i—i didn’t know you were lonely like that, you know i… i wouldn’t let that happen… okay? i’ll come over. we’ll hang out… yeah?” one hand that was resting on your shoulder comes up to cup your cheek in emphasis and you so badly want to nuzzle into it, let him take the weight of your head. instead you just stare up with doe eyes.
“yeah.” it comes out as a whisper and he licks his lips, nodding in approval.
“alright then.”
you glance over to the glaring girls and your gaze darts downwards. “uh, i think i’m upsetting your girlfriends.” you chuckle awkwardly, going to step back. he glances over his shoulder, letting go over you before shrugging a shoulder carelessly.
“more like… god damn fan girls. those bit— uh, women won’t leave me alone.” he corrects himself, making a clear effort. “gonna go and find topper now, okay? you gonna be fine?” he takes a step back and you want him to stay but you nod anyway.
“see you, rafe.”
you have a warm feeling in your stomach when you leave the country club. you weren’t together, and only a few weeks ago you were telling people how glad you were that this was the case. but now things were different. his favouritism should have been clear due to the fact he’d knocked you up, and maybe it was pity, if that was something rafe was even capable of — but you didn’t care. rafe liked you the most.
🧸✧˖°❅🍥
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Listennnnn to be loved is to be seen
Buffy is SURROUNDED by people who project and project and project some more onto her without ever truly seeing her and just trying to force her to be whatever they want/need her to be often leaving her feeling used, abused, and lonely.
And so while yes on the surface the Buffy bot is icky as hell and obviously irl all of us would be rightfully horrified if that happened to us. This is fictional and with a still evil but trying to be good but with no human soul to help guide him on how to be good Spike - who has been rejected and is honoring that rejection and finding a solution to leave real Buffy alone by giving him a place to put all his feelings for Buffy somewhere that isn’t Buffy herself - programs her so well and therefore showing how well he sees and understands her!! NO ONE ELSE could have programmed that exact Buffy that was believable enough to fool her friends. So yes it’s twisted but this is a vampire falling in love with the slayer if you want completely healthy truly go elsewhere lololol but so the bot is used to show just how well Spike truly understands her and more importantly what he loves about her which given the partner she had right before this was Riley who VERY CLEARLY hated how strong she was and that she was the slayer…
spike is like SHE NEEDS A DEDICATED SLAYER FOLDER
HE PUT THE YEAR WILLOW CAME OUT IN HER BIO 😭😭😭😭 angel and riley truly could never in a million years pay close enough attention to the people in her life that Buffy cares about to add info like that
The choice of “make spike happy” instead of something like “pleasing spike” feels significant because it’s able to encompass a wider range of things including her care for her friends since that seems to be the active folder when she’s accessing information on them. Buffy caring about other people makes him happy even though he’s morally grey at best at this moment 😭 AND TWO KISSING PROGRAMS ARE THE VERY FIRST THINGS IN THAT FOLDER 😭😭😭 he doesn’t just “want to fuck her” like people try to claim he wants to love her 🥲 he wants her kisses like I’m gonna throw up from how disgustingly tender and heartbreaking that is
Buffy bot calls both her and Buffy very pretty and tells Giles he “should listen to the other Buffy because she’s very smart”. Spike made sure the Buffy bot was a Buffy that loved herself and valued her intelligence like I cannot even begin to tell you how NONE of this is your run of the mill making just a sex bot of your crush because not being able to have sex with them upsets you. He wants to love her because he knows she needs it as much as he wants to give it to her
We have this moment where Buffy bot has finally found Spike who she’s been looking for and worried about the whole time and seemingly only cares about him and no one else and she sees he’s SEVERELY injured yet when Giles calls for help Buffy bot responds at the same time as Buffy does and runs to his aide leaving Spike like she’s still just so BUFFY at her core even if the superficial aspects have been changed 😭
if we compare this moment to the one in something blue where xander calls out for help in the crypt in an IDENTICAL situation yet ACTUAL BUFFY just continues to make out with Spike when he’s not even injured at all 💀 like Spike didn’t even give Buffy bot the “extra love sick” component Buffy herself exhibits for him on multiple occasions 😭
and of course - WE END WITH THIS KISS AND THE WAY SHE’S FUCKING LOOKING AT HIM BRO 😩 she’s like holy shit he was for real when he said he loved me no one has ever done anything like this for me while simultaneously showing how COMPLETELY loyal and obsessed they are and how well they know and love all of me AND my sister like
‼️I CAN DEPEND ON HIM‼️
So close to death even Xander is feeling sympathy for him yet clocks IMMEDIATELY it’s her and she’s just like hi 🥹 yes it’s me, I really just did that. I see you and what you did for me. HAVE HOPE KEEP TRYING DONT GIVE UP.
If Buffy loves you she forgives you pretty easily and I personally think that’s what we’re seeing here with Spike like kissing him in the same ep she learns of the Buffy bot is low key CRAZY 😹 but truly people who have done less for her have done far worse!!! The bot kept dawn and tara from being taken instead and he proved he would protect both of them with his life and like she already loves him which is why she even went for the kiss she was like REALLY THE SITUATION CALLS FOR IT WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO 🤷🏼♀️
#this post all started literally just from noticing the gay 1999-present 💀#spuffy#embarassing freak couple#spike and buffy#spike x buffy#spuffy season 5
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