#i don't want god to be happy either
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contemplating the idea that religion and spirituality and supernatural beliefs might simply not be for me and it is a bit sad
#i would say i officially officially left christianity in 2018#and since then i have tried a multitude of different things trying to fill the space that left in my life#and i kept trying to shove things in there not realizing that space was being filled on its own#it is filled with nature (not in a nature as religion way... explaining what i mean might be its whole own post cause it's complicated)#and my friends and family. it's filled with love for myself and care for other people#there is non christian music that makes me feel the way christian music used to#i don't need god to be happy#i don't want god to be happy either#and this search for some belief in something. paganism. divination. ghosts. pop culture polytheism. heathenism. witchcraft. devil worship.#ancestor veneration.... etc etc etc. none of it sticks. none of it feels like i'm doing something#it all (as in all religion and spirituality and supernatural beliefs) feels like pretend. my brain is sure it's all make believe#and it makes me feel a bit sad because i wanted it for so long#and so many other people have it and it's very important to them#and i would like to devote myself to something bigger than me#but it just... doesn't work for me#and i don't need it... so maybe i'm going to try not looking for a while and see how it goes#this doesn't mean i am lacking in some way. it doesn't make my life empty#it doesn't mean i can't feel the way others do#it just means i am different from some people and that's okay
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN 🎃 ! Got self-indulgent here 🤭👀
(click for better quality if you're on the mobile app. don't repost.)
😳🫣
#Happy Halloween besties 😘😚🫶#(← haven't finished this yet as I'm typing this so I'm hoping I get this done on time lmaoo)#pjo/hoo#my art 💙#percy jackson and the olympians#heroes of olympus#percy jackson#nico di angelo#jason grace#rachel elizabeth dare#grover underwood#percico#nicercy#jercy#perachel#grovercy#I just drew Percy like that aksjsk I didn't plan on assigning a specific ship per Percy. still don't tbh.#it was meant to be just Nico but then I wanted multiple Percy ships :))#Percy is my little Barbie doll. or Ken doll. either. dressing them up is fun but god I wish I didn't take ages to render.#got tired of rendering and it SHOWS#sorry besties 😔😔😔#“don't repost” as if anyone would LMAOO#THE FILE GOT DAMAGED AS SOON AS I DRAFTED THIS I'M CRYING#augh way less suggestive than I wanted it to be but hey. baby steps.
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actually annabeth joining luke's army as a double agent for chb but percy doesn't know this so he just thinks alright and grabs grover and hooks it over there bc annabeth does what she wants and he knows there's no convincing her otherwise bc she's a stubborn ass and also ares fucking sucks so as far as percy's concerned the gods can suck it based on that alone
grover is just ??? bc he does NOT want to be over here and percy's just like "look, we can't convince annabeth to not be part of monster army, so the only option is to be part of it ourselves" and annabeth walks in on them trying to join (or rather percy trying to join for both of them and grover looking on the verge of tears) and she's just ??? bc what the fuck percy why are you two here
whole time percy is going on a rant about ares and how he sucks and how he's pretty sure the god has abused clarisse ("maybe we should get clarisse to sign up with us") because no one believes that he wants to join luke's army and they just thinkk he wants to spy on them so he's trying to show that he thinks gods (well at least one god) is a total ass and can get obliterated and percy will be happy to do that bc he did it once before, he can totally do it again! and if they get clarisse she can deliver the final blow as an FU
someone asks why grover's there and percy is like "um. he's my best friend? he has to come with me? what, you think I'm gonna fucking fight my best friend? are you stupid?"
meanwhile grover is having the worst panic attack of his life. like why is this how he discovers percy has no morals. couldn't it be something smaller like putting french fries in a strawberry milkshake?
and annabeth is resisting the urge to start screaming and now she's gotta vouch for percy and her vouch for percy is basically "if it came to saving me and grover or a bus full of people about to plunge into the atlantic, percy would save us, no hesitation" and everyone's like "jesus christ, the hell is wrong with this kid" because like maybe they're on the side of a cannibalistic titan but they're not fucking evil
ofc once they're let into the group, annabeth drags them both to the side and wrings percy a new one for fucking up her double agent plans and they're both whisper-arguing bc it's not his fault he didn't know she didn't really shack up with the enemy, but like fuck off percy, you didn't have to follow me here! why the hell would you choose to come here, were you going to try and kidnap me and bring me back to camp by force??
and percy is just like "yes that is 100% what i was going to do, i was definitely not joining with the intent to be by your side and blow up olympus because i'd rather destroy the world than fight my friend" and grover turns to annabeth and is just "he's fucking lying" "yeah i know"
anyway grover is released as a double agent for the monster army (but actually for CHB) bc the idea is that he can help them get more demigods to their side as a searcher being sent out to grab kids and he's mentally banging his head bc NOW he has to figure out how to get unclaimed demigods safely to camp without making it look like he took them there on purpose and if it looks like he defected back to CHB, they'll probably kill annabeth and maim or imprison percy and good gods, percy i hate you so much rn
percy? idk. it's past summer so he just goes home and luke is like "bro you can't just fucking leave" "um no offense luke but if you try to stop me from going home to my mom who i love more than life itself i will legit eat you" and then he goes home
come december, grover is calling percy up like "hey i found these fucking powerful ass kids, plz help me get them to camp without making it look like i got them there on purpose" and so they gotta loop annabeth in who's just mentally banging her head and cursing percy out over this whole thing as she strategizes a way to get the army there but have them fuck up so badly it would look super suspicious if grover just shoved them over
so first she yells at percy then she makes grover call thalia up so she can help him and it'll be okay 'cause she's in the same area as him so it won't look suspicious, it'll just seem like camp sent her in with him, like they do sometimes when there's dangerous monsters that a satyr might not be able to handle by themselves.
and then she makes percy go with them as support for grover's "nefarious" deeds since thalia's there. and it's a whole fucking thing, and mentally she's just like "oh thank fuck" when artemis and the hunters show up.
they retreat back to wherever the monster army was at this time (not the boat, but like idk. atlas' post? were they all chilling there or was it just luke and some ppl being assholes and everyone else was still on the boat, i can't remember) and curse their loss of two powerful and clueless demigods, only for percy to call annabeth up a couple hours later like "hey, remember those kids from a couple hours ago with the manticore and the hunters and everything"
"percy it was two hours ago, ofc i remember it, my memory isn't as shit as yours" "right right, you're elephant" "oh my- why are you calling me!!" "oh yeah. uh. well. they're kinda in my house" "what??" "yeah they're sitting right across from me. my mom's giving them some hot chocolate."
"how the hell?"
"i have no clue. they also have no clue. they just, uh, didn't feel safe at camp, bc grover was being weird about trying to save them. which, um, yeah, makes sense. and they don't like thalia because her spear scares them 'cause they don't like lightning. and also the girl said the hunters keep trying to convince her to join them which is freaking her out, so they didn't want to stay at camp. and then suddenly they were in my house."
"..."
"what do i do?"
this time annabeth bangs her head physically on the closest wall. and somewhere in the fine forests of new york, grover is banging his head on the nearest tree, both of them unified in their feelings of "for fucks sake percy i hate you so much rn"
#this is just a total nonsense stream of consciousness#and no before you ask i still have not eaten#happy talks pjo#in this au bianca doesn't join the hunters because. well i don't want her to#but also bc of my artemis told the hunters to kill bianca and nico bc she knew who they were and needed them to die theory#and bianca obvi felt that energy and since annabeth didn't get captured by the monster army she's not as freaked out#and desperate to rely on the safety of the first god she meets#plus grover thinks artemis is the coolest thing ever and bianca does not trust grover rn so like she's not gonna trust the goddess either#lmao percy sitting across from his cousins and thinking why does this feel familiar and then suddenly hades appears and he's like oh right
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my experience with maxing out the twins' friendship is just-
Hawke: So, Carver, my dear baby brother who I love and adore, I only need +10 more points to max out your friendship. I've done the grind; through gritted teeth I've kissed templar ass so that we don't raise suspicion. I've supported and defended you and let you take the lead whenever I could. You're my favorite warrior. I took you to the Deep Roads with me because you desperately wanted to go and then made you a warden and you found a place, a purpose. I've practically written my own guide on how to earn as much friendship with you because I love you and it's totally worth it so can I please please have the last +10...?
Carver:
Hawke: Carver please I'm begging you
Carver:
Carver: +5 Friendship
Hawke: AAUUGGGHHLKSAJDLKAJSDLK-
Hawke: So, Bethany, my dear sis-
Bethany: +50 Friendship
Hawke:
Bethany: :)
#dragon age#dragon age 2#da2#bethany hawke#carver hawke#i love them both they're my favorites#but oh my god the grind of maxing out carver's friendship because it's absolutely worth it and then playing another run with bethany#where i blinked and suddenly her friendship was maxed out was a wild experience sksksk#and it's interesting to think about how carver is 'difficult' when it comes to getting friendship whereas bethany already starts with +50#so it's easier to max her out just by being kind to her and doing her quests early#but after act 1 carver becomes so much softer when your friendship is high with him BUT bethany? i'm leaning more toward making her a warde#and i know she's going to be so resentful of me for it despite having maxed friendship like that's so fascinating??#how the twins start off on such opposite ends with different attitudes toward hawke?? and how after act 1 they switch??#well for the warden routes anyway... i refuse to let carver join the templars and i really REALLY don't want bethany to go to the circle#she won't be happier there no one can convince me she's happier as a circle mage... 'accepting your place' isn't the same as being happy#carver can find a place he's content with whereas bethany is screwed over either way since her magic isn't something she can just let go of#like yes both twins are bitter that they didn't survive the deep roads but carver's always worn his bitterness on his sleeve#whereas bethany felt she had to hide hers because she felt she had to be grateful for the sacrifices her family made for her#and now they are both trapped and free at the same time... carver just happens to thrive but bethany feels she traded one cage for another#ugh the hawke twins THE HAWKE TWINS Y'ALL#I just want them to be happy and loved and alive... why is that too much to ask for??
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"please update!!" bestie this is a oneshot.. it's done. it's over. and not only is it clearly marked as such, but one of the two main characters straight up DIED. what more do you want me to add
#there are some oneshots i've written that i could feasibly write a sequel to#this is NOT one of them#n.anami is dead. there's nowhere else for the fic to go and i'm not bringing him back bc you don't know how to tell when a fic is#marked as complete#??????#like you shouldn't beg for updates on incomplete fics either obviously but this is just funny#i literally genuinely don't know what else you want me to do#it's a study on the dynamic between m.egumi & n.anami that goes from their first meeting to after n.anami's death#there's nothing else i have to say#i'm happy you liked the fic but i will not be 'updating' a complete oneshot. god bless 🙏
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SJHSJJAOJSKWOSKSSOSJS THE ENDING WITH ASCENDED ASTARION????????? I can't breathe I love him I adore his evil laughter at the end I adore him calling Tav his love I adore it- AND THE MOST POWERFUL COUPLE IN THE WORLD??? he said it????????? I fucking love them. And the way he talks about them having bloody future together- gods, I wish I could kiss him in the end but It'd completely destroy me
#OKAY BUT IMAGINE DARK URGE AND ASTARION EITHER RUILING BALDUR'S GATE TOGETHER (I chose travelling but anyways-)#oh I love that couple#and I loved seeing dark urge finally free from their father's will I always go bhaal's chosen route and don't mind it but this ending...#my opinion on ascended astarion really changes every second skjjsj BUT NOW I SAW THE ENDING#and I loved it#I fucking can't get enough of him and also the dialog before the fight?? where he said that they'd need to do secret tunnels underneath#the city-#I love him I swear I'd do anything for him#MY BOY OH GOD#he's sharing eternity with his lover!! they're travelling together or ruling together or doing both#GOD THEY HAVE THE ETERNITY TOGETHER AAHHHHHHH#this makes me so happy idk I just- yes yes yes!!#also the way he looks at tav in the ending scene..#I didn't expect to be this happy with the ending considering my mixed feelings during playthrough-#BUT I LOVE IT OH GOD#I just want to happily rant about it I'm so sorry#also I LOVE the new scenes they added in the ending!!! larian THANK YOU that was finally worth it!! now at least good ending feels great#bg3 spoilers#nonsims#delete later#olya's rambles
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My friend: I can't think while I'm at work
Me, at work, earlier that day: word for word writing a fic In my head
#not a happy one either#out here in the pharmacy aisles thinking about comas#(old news)#but it was like Elsie calling her mom and her mom asking how everyone was#namely how Elsie (heart failure) and Finch (fetus whos host is going into heart failure) are doing#and Elsie says that shes been having contractions but shes hiding them from her doctors#(even though she thinks its Braxton hicks)#and her mom yells at her and asks why she would do that and Elsie says she doesn't want to have this baby without her wife#because her wife Atticus has been in a coma for about a week after an aneurysm ruptured + she hemorrhaged and seized#and her mom is about to say like “a life for a life” vibes. when a baby is born someone dies. that's how it works#and Elsie yells at her because a) what the fuck and b) why would god choose to kill her HEALTHY wife after making Elsie so sick?#why wouldn't he take Elsie if he needed a life for a life?#anyway i wrote it when i got home lmao#and now im at work again but this time it was filling waters.#and while i was doing that i was day dreaming about Rainey and Lyria and Remus#it was a nicer daydream (Rainey and Lyria going to get icecream but Rainey has no cash. Remus has 100$)#but i knew Remus had to ve hurt or she wouldn't be there (third wheeling AND She and Lyria don't get along)#so i was trying to figure out the timeline and decided on when she tried to kill herself so Rainey is watching her#and all I thiught was: (annoyed) i promsie not to kill myself in the next half an hour 😒#(while they run to town to get icecream together and she's left at home)#james is rambling again#ocs#rambling#thoughts#writer#writing#original character
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posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh
#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself#but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep#and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either#i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in#fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst#i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago#but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it#this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed#i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me#i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time#this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake#gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t#like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it!#i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life#when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so#i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have#but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip#and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude#though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i#it’s been gnawing at me#ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in#one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes#watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep#so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom#idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting#they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao#so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most#i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry#also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn#it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes
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| Drops this and leaves
FUCK YOU-
//cough
An Age of Calamity AU where everything is the same but also not-
Sooga overthrows Kohga's title as leader and becomes a corrupted PoS then kills the King and is now trying to fight Zelda for Hyrule's throne
Kohga is now his timid slutty lil assistant who just wants his "old Soogy back"
.....
And may have been the reason why Sooga ended up like this...
Hint hint it's a soul binding, corrupted mask he accidentally made for him
.......
.......
.......
Also may need their counterparts from the official AoC timeline to correct their bs and to re-teach them the lesson of their love for each other
Anyways
. Art © Me . DON’T RE-POST .
#MASTER-K0HGA#Ary / Kohga Chronicles#Ary / Kohga OCs and Works#Kohga#Sooga#Cough cough Master Sooga who wants to be referred to as King Sooga soon as he gets that throne#Yiga Husbands#....#But also not rly#Anyways#Zelda cut her hair short as it's some time after AoC ''TotK'' but she's practically a badass entity with#God like powers because she trained to reach a level of ascension to prove she can protect her family and friends#While also doing the nice deeds she did in TotK... Sooga trynna be the second coming of the Demon king#But in a different light is not helping her cause of rebuilding Hyrule whatsoever... He should stop..#Kohga's fault he accidentally imbued dark magic in a spare mask he thought would bless Sooga and protect him#So he wouldn't almost die again like last time with the blights... But uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh...... Uh oh#Urbosa's tired. Revali is scoffing like a bitch. Daruk is still recovering from the trauma's of the marbled rock roast#And Mipha is just sick of malice. Gloom and this other third thing that kinda looks like Majora 2.0#Champion descendants don't come back cuz now they need to focus on their own timeline now. And fear going back in time for the third time#Might fuck up something. Yiga clan. Although willingly follow what Sooga orders and does. They are still not entirely sure if they#Like this Sooga or not. But are happy when the Kohga and Sooga we know kinda just get randomly and unintentionally dragged here by Terrako#..... Who is also here cuz they need to get back to their own time somehow!... Oh and Link is just being his swordsman self but with#Even more trauma than before especially with Demon King. Light Dragon. Zonai shit and other stuff he now has ptsd from#He does NOT want to hear the word Zonai ever again... Or depths or Demon King or chasm... Or cheese either...#.... I have nothing else to post that is ready#Shut op
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Ahem.
Introducing Nanim, heir of House Exeltis of Baldur's Gate
AKA, if Larian isn't going to give us a nonbinary companion, I'm going to make one up myself.
Quick Class details:
Wild Magic Sorcerer with a noble background, half-drow, they/them
Meeting:
In the wreckage of the Nautiloid crash, you find them cornered by three sheep. As you approach, they warn you in a panic to stay back, and the sheep attack. The aforementioned sheep are actually polymorphed Intellect Devourers.
Starting Cantrips:
Minor Illusion
Mage Hand
Shocking Grasp
Ray of Frost
Dancing Lights (drow heritage)
Starting Spells:
Disguise Self
Color Spray
Skills:
History (noble background)
Persuasion (noble background)
Arcana
Religion
Personality:
Starting off by saying they're Lawful Neutral. They grew up nobility with strict rules about when and how to behave and what to do in regards to their Wild Magic surges, so they firmly believe that anyone who is in charge is in charge for a reason, and any rules they set are SET for good reason. You can sway their opinion on this by investigating into the people in charge; for example, initially, they're on the druids' side on the tiefling vs druid conflict, because it's THEIR grove, they're allowed to let in whomever they choose, the refugees are infringing on the rules they set by staying. However, when you find out Kagha's there because Halsin's gone and Kagha's been dealing with the shadows, Nanim's like "wait a minute. You aren't qualified to lead at ALL" and reevaluates their opinion.
They are VERY sheltered as to how the world works. Courtesy of their upbringing.
Very optimistic and charismatic, VERY loyal, and will judge you if you AREN'T loyal to the company you keep. Extremely eager to explore, with little regard to personal safety due to being a Wild Magic bomb all the time. On the more negative side, they're careless, naive, a bit insensitive and pompous due to their status, very impulsive, and hedonistic. They like luxury, they don't believe in challenging rules to help those affected negatively by them, they think they're greater than they are (sorcerous hubris at its finest) and that all their opinions are correct, and they chase novelty like an addiction.
They also zone out. A lot. Like, in the middle of a conversation, a lot. It's often filled with impulsive thoughts that they're sorting into "yes" and "no" piles (examples: "Should I ask Astarion if he's also part drow? If I smack Shadowheart's braid, will she kill me? I want to poke Karlach, just to see if she's REALLY on fire or if it's illusory.") an you can use the tadpole to listen in. Don't get caught!
They're genuinely afraid of confronting their negative traits or admitting they might be wrong about something, in denial about things that don't fit their pre-established idea of themselves. Unintentionally condescending at times. Craves friends and romance both, has no idea how either work (has been to brothels, sure, but hasn't ever had a genuine connection with someone). Likes music, plays the lute. Very vain.
Approval:
Following pre-set rules (the druids want the refugees out of the grove, the refugees want your help, you refuse to challenge the druids)
Being willing to engage with your surroundings (Eilistraee's sword, the Blood of Lathander, touching the button in Withers' crypt)
Refusing to deal with rule-breakers (the Zhentarim)
Researching/being knowledgeable about religion/history/magic (successful dice rolls)
Staying out of problems that don't concern you (declining to get involved with Ethel vs the brothers)
Taking charge and standing up for your companions (telling the Gur that Astarion's under your protection, standing up for Gale when the others want him to leave, telling Mizora off when she comes to punish Wyll)
Literally anything positive to do with the drow twins at Sharess's Caress
Disapproval:
Defying the order of things (helping the refugees, telling Minthara you'll help her)
Picking the safe route/electing to leave something alone (non-confrontational dialogue choices, abandoning the Blood of Lathander)
Dealing with blatantly bad characters (the Zhentarim, the goblin camp, that paladin that wants to steal the gith egg, Viconia, Balthazaar, Mizora)
Being genuinely dumb (licking the spider, drinking Thisobald Thorm's brew, giving your blood to Araj, waving to Vlaakith, drinking Priestess Gut's potion)
Getting involved with other people's conversations when they didn't ask for you (convincing Rolan's siblings to stay at/leave the grove, interrupting Kagha vs Arabella)
Selling people out (Astarion, Isobel, Shadowheart)
Prying into other people's heads in your party on purpose (Gale, Shadowheart, themself)
Being rude to friendly characters
Being modest and/or humble (downplaying yourself or refusing finer things in life; they want luxury and rewards, damn it!)
Some general, non-personal-quest-related dealbreaker moments (ie, moments where Nanim will permanently leave your party):
Betraying the grove (you have to roll intimidation a few times to avoid this)
The Dark Urge kills a companion on purpose (non-combat, specifically by giving in to the Urges)
Goading Orin into killing whomever she has captive
This is a very long post, so I'll split the Nanim lore into multiple parts (their history, their quest, their romance, etc) and link them here when finished.
Part 2: Nanim's History
#bg3#companion idea#nanim#i am very proud of the work i put into them#like; they're not perfect#they're not going to be happy with all of your 'good' choices#they're not going to be happy with all your bad ones either#they've got flaws and they've got quirks and are unique to engage with (or at least that's the hope)#also gods is it hard to get pictures with proper lighting#i will get more pictures in different lighting for later i swear#also also 'why don't they have grey skin if they're half drow?'#they do have it! look at the ears and the lips#was absolutely thrilled to find that skin tone because it looks like both of their parents#instead of drow lite#same with the hair; one parent has white hair and the other has black#so you get graphite grey. because while i want them to be nice to look at i don't want them to be perfectly conventionally pretty#i want them to be an acquired taste for whatever corner of players decide to like them
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despite what the most recent posts on my blog will tell you, i did actually get some things done around here these past few days.
mainly working on drafts. but i didn't manage to finish anything.
head's been all over the place and i've been drowning that out with video games. mandatory overtime is supposed to start this week, but i got a message from the boss yesterday that demand isn't as high as they were expecting it to be, so we're working our normal 8 hour shifts. except for me. because i already had appointments booked for my 12 hour shifts. including monday ( which i don't normally work, but we were required to since we're getting thanksgiving off ). so i only got 1 day off to recoup from that horrid week i had last week.
so here i am at 12am, fighting off a headache so i can get some sleep for this 12 hour shift i shouldn't be working, while everyone else either gets to stay home because they didn't book any work or gets to go home early. and, oh yeah, let's not forget that i STILL DON'T HAVE A HELPER —
#✯ — [ ʰᵒʳˢᵉˢ ᶤᶰ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵃᶜᵏ ] ⨯ ooc#sorry#i'm venting again.#but this week is just#god i already don't want to do this. it hasn't even started yet and i'm#i want to fuckin cry lmao#and it's like...#it's all just so overwhelming#i forgot it was even my birthday today LMAO#the only reason i remembered is because my sister just messaged me happy birthday —#so i guess happy fuckin birthday to me#time to go work a 12+ hour shift by myself in 5 hours.#anyway#take this as a semi hiatus until i either make it through this holiday season or...........we'll see.#basically i'll be around and probably posting things and replies sporadically#but i'm not actively seeking new threads.#i'll still send asks and stuff though because those are fun.#love y'all. take care of yourselves.#tbd
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i just can't ever trust my feelings and opinions on anything because i'm always a broken clock and anything i say that ends up being right is completely divorced from the logic that took me there <3
#i wish friendships were like. a once a month type of event yknow#but then i'm not happy at home either lmao there's my parents there#and i don't know maybe i'm just kidding myself. maybe that's all there is. maybe there's no circumstances or anything#maybe the problem is just from within and no environmental change will improve anything#i wish there wasn't a mystery thing wrong with me that makes any kind of social interaction incredibly unenjoyable#i get an insta notif i want to bash my skull in with a brick#it's always like ''heyyyyyyyy do you want to meet in our free time? on our day off? meet meet meet?''#haha. sorry i thought i maybe could do smth with my free time one day. perhaps.#and it's not like. difficult but fun. it's not easy easy but it's fine. i'm just miserable the entire time except five minutes in the middl#where we take a little breather. and then it goes again.#anyway really fun being friend with mentally ill people. infuriating each other on the daily.#god. my friend said ''i worry abt pushing you too hard whenever i ask to hang out bc you don't say when it's too much''#bestie i love you you are pushing me too hard with more than one insta discussion a week#but yknow. i can't say that to people. it's just going to be hurtful.#broadcasting my misery#vent
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The worst thing about suffering is that it still hurts when the danger is over but no one cares about it anymore because it shouldn't hurt. No one will ever say "I'm sorry that happened to you" especially when they barely say "I'm sorry that's happening."
#Okay to tb btw all the personal stuff is in the tags#Like. Not eating for a week because you couldn't get groceries hurts#and people will say 'oof sorry that's happening' but then#after you're able to get food no one will ever say 'I'm sorry that happened' even though you think about it and hurt from it constantly.#No one will ever say ':( that must have been so hard' because you're fine now right???? No psychological damage there?????#This example is stupid but I do think about it every time I feel hungry. I told people I wasn't able to get groceries#and there was no food in my house. And they said. Oof.#Instead of idk Oh God Are You Okay ??#No one cares when you've been abused your entire life and behave the way you do out of genuine terror because your brain is fucked forever#They don't say 'I'm sorry that happened it must have been really scary to turn you into Such An Asshole. I pity you like a dog :('#Speaking of man everyone loves fucked up abused terrified dogs and wants to be the one who makes them open up#And shows them that people can be good and kind and that touch doesn't have to hurt#But everyone is scared of fucked up abused terrified people#Humans are capable of harm even more than dogs and fear is understandable but.#Can you please call me good boy and shush me and tell me nothing's going to hurt me and let me curl up on your lap#And not hit me if I get scared and start to growl and feed me good and take me on walks and play with me#Even though I'm not very fun to play with and I'm still learning what's fun and what's mean and what's a toy and what's a hand#Plleeeaaase don't be jealous of a dog that doesn't eat good don't say 'tch he's so thin what am I doing wrong'#I want to eat good and grow and gain fat and be warm and be comfortable I don't want this#Don't say 'if abused dogs don't eat good then I don't deserve to either' no no no no eat good so you can take care of us both#Please please please I learned so many tricks to make people happy and call me smart but I don't actually know how to do anything I'm#Literally like such a stupid dog it takes me like one day of no one paying attention to me for me to become un-housebroken#I make a lot of mistakes even though I know better or I really should know better#And sometimes do things wrong on purpose to get attention either yelling or showing me how to do it right#But most of the time I genuinely don't know how to do stuff because I was never taught or I was taught and#My previous owners said 'this is how it is. It is this way because it is and it is forever. The answer is Because.'#'now quit asking repetitive questions before I pop you'#If I do something Because and not know the reason why I'm doing it that's not learning that's acting#Especially habits taught specifically to hurt me and not being allowed to question it or know why I'm being hurt#Oh my god I acted out so much when I was younger and all my friends were so disgusted and hurt by me and yelled at me every day
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brrrrr (/pos)
#weight talk#<- just in case even though this is pos#but like. okay ive been. SEVERELY underweight all my life#like i looked like a skeleton you could see all my bones it was AWFUL#i just. I've literally always hated looking like that i hated looking like a walking corpse i mean i looked ILL#but recently i started taking remeron for anxiety#partially bc my anxiety keeps causing me to not eat properly bc i feel sick constantly#so i kept ending up in the ER for malnutrition and dehydration and my liver getting messed up#well i started the remeron for the panic attacks bc daily panic attacks suck but the psych mentioned it could increase appetite#and it???? did????? I'm eating on a slightly more regular schedule???? I'm eating more than once a day????#and like. ok I've always weighed like 100lbs#highest i ever got was 111 when i was 16#and then it dropped 10#and then dropped 10 more in the span of 3 months while i was in and out of ER#and i was genuinely starting to panic over it bc i could PHYSICALLY FEEL my muscles getting eaten bc i had no fat left#like i was getting drastically weaker by the day my knees still won't stop buckling#but in the about three months I've been taking those meds I've. gained 10 back#I'm actually gaining weight like me and my mother are genuinely SHOCKED this genuinely hasn't happened since i was fucking TWELVE#and just now i took off my shirt and noticed. holy shit. my stomach doesn't go CONCAVE when I'm hungry anymore#like whenever i couldn't tell if i was hungry before i would just look at my stomach and be able to tell if it was too curved inwards#but now!!!!!!! it doesn't do that!!!!!!! and I'm genuinely fucking ecstatic like oh my god i don't look dead anymore#I've always wanted to gain weight i feel like i would be 100% more comfortable in my body as a fat trans man#and i can't talk about that to anyone bc they always say it's either self harm or fetishistic#when no i just genuinely feel more comfortable in my skin thinking of myself that way#and now i have confirmation that i would genuinely be happier that way with this bc the sheer joy i have at not being underweight anymore#i mean I'm still a bit under but at least im gaining SOMETHING like at least i dont look like a drowned street cat#seeing the very slight rolls and folds in my stomach when i move the right way makes me happy
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//if i had a sp multi, it would consist entirely of characters nobody gives a shit about, like ned, thomas (le petit tourette), and GOD HIMSELF.
#misc :: ( ooc )#//i am so madddd that thomas is not in more episodes#//i mean i know Why he isn't. bc he was literally JUST made for the episode ABOUT tourettes#//but he said ''sometimes i think my mom would be better off if i was dead'' and i was like LKFJDSKJDF THAT'S BAIT!#//THAT'S TEDDY MUSE BAIT AND YOU KNOW IT!! KILL YOURSELF!!!#//it would make me a little nervous playing thomas bc i don't like... have... tourettes#//but then i gave tweek psychosis and i don't got that either#//and ofc if sb who DID have tourettes told me i was fucking up i would listen and try to change things#//but yeah idk idk :( i just wanna give him the opportunity to be happy :((#//there's hardly anything about him so it really is Free Real Estate as far as hcs go#//and then god... i love sp's version of god so much he makes me so TENDER 😭#//and to quote multi: what a POWER MOVE it would be to have GOD as a muse#//sp god is just so sweet and gives people the exact kind of love they NEED#//they might not like all the things he tells them but he always knows what's best for them and i'm so :((#//i don't want to overwhelm myself with muses / blogs so the sp multi will probably never come to fruition but yeah#//i already plan to make a stan sideblog and i don't really need... a third...#//granted i could just smash all the muses onto one but i'm already attached to craig & tweek as a duo blog
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It’s meant to be funny and played for laughs and it absolutely is (poor long-suffering Jellylorum), but when there’s that pause for applause (and faux conclusion of number) and then eager restart with: "I once crossed the stage on a telegraph wire” during “Gus the Theatre Cat”, I get just a *little* choked up, because oh lord here he goes again, but Gus is just so happy people are listening to him how can you possibly rob him of that modicum of happiness.
#Gus the Theatre Cat#extemporize back chat#let him speak!#let him milk it for all its worth!#he's so happy! he's a windbag and he loves to talk and brag about his accomplishments and god bless him#because he's actually got a rapt audience again (in the form of the fourth wall and the new tribe kittens)#and like i wouldn't want that validation to end either if i probably spent most of my time telling stories to strangers and old friends#who probably don't care much for them anymore than passing fancy#bro didn't even want to *be* there but cats are listening to him again and giving him attention#and it's kinda a soft suggestion towards how elderly voices in western society are often ignored after a time#it's all 'respect your elders' until they want to tell you the same story for the million-th time#then they're dismissed
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