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icommitedcrimesasatoaster · 1 month

Text

Incorrect quotes , MY FAVORITE! (kill me.)

(From a generator)

Techno: Hey, do you know anyone who can teach me to play the trumpet? Kanade: Why? Techno: I want to wander around playing it to annoy Cody. Kanade: Technically, you don’t actually need to know how to play the trumpet well for that. Techno: Kanade, you have opened my eyes.

Techno: Katara, you need to calm down. Katara, slamming their fists on the table: BUT HOW CAN IT BE "BIRTHDAY CAKE" FLAVOR IF A BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR?!

Cody: I’m going to hell. Techno: Probably. Cody: I'll pick you up? Techno: nodding Carpool.

Tommy: Can I have some? Cody, mouth full of cheesecake: It's really spicy, you wouldn't like it.

Cody, dashing into the room: WHY AREN’T THE DISHES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?! Katara: …What does that even mean?!

Techno: Katara, what do you value about Tommy? Katara: They’re thoughtful. They pick flowers and bring them to me. Often they’re ones I’ve just planted, but… Tommy: That’s how I know they’re fresh!

Kanade: Is the plural of milf/dilf milfs/dilfs or milves/dilves? Tommy: Milfs. Cody: Milf/dilf is an acronym, you can't change the spelling to milves/dilves. Kanade: Wait, they're acronyms? What do they stand for??? Katara: Mom in late forties, dad in late fourties. Katara: I learned that from the movie called M.I.L.F that I saw the trailer of in theaters probably 5 to 7 years ago. Cody: Mom/dad I'd Love to Fuck. Kanade: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK— Kanade: I NEVER REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY HORNY! Katara: Oh, is it not mom in late fouries? Tommy: What? No! It isn't! Katara: THE MOVIE TRAILER LIED TO ME! Cody: Katara… Katara: THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T THINK CALLING PEOPLE MILFS WAS ALL THAT BAD BECAUSE IT STOOD FOR SOMETHING HARMLESS IT JUST HAD A SLIGHTLY SEXUAL CONNOTATION! Cody: I am entirely unsurprised that this is coming from you. Katara: KANADE, DOES IT MAKE SENSE WHY I CALLED THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID MOM A MILF NOW BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS LITERALLY JUST A DESCRIPTOR WITH FUNNY CONNOTATION! Kanade: The word milf has been ruined for me. Tommy: THAT'S ITS DEFINITION, IT CAN'T BE RUINED THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS! Cody: Y'all are dumbasses.

Techno: Theater kids are just choir kids who joined forces with the band and strings kids.

Tommy: It’s not gonna work, I’m not a snitch. Cop: Fine, let's try something else. Tag a friend you recently committed a crime with. Tommy: Lmao, @Katara.

Katara: Plants are basically the ideal friends. They are quiet, friendly, and easy to please. All they need is a little water and fresh earth, and they are perfectly happy to lie there all day in the sun. And they don’t make increasingly awful life choices, or hide their relationships. They have never, as far as I know, fucked a bee.

Kanade: Shouldn't get stressed out, it's not good for the baby. Katara: What baby? Kanade, crying a bit: Me.

Tommy: Wake me up- Kanade: Before you go go Katara: When September ends Techno: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

Katara, to Tommy: Well, one of us has to be wrong and it’s not going to be me.

Katara: Techno, keep an eye on Tommy today. They're going to say something to the wrong person and get punched. Techno: Sure, I'd love to see Tommy getting punched. Cody: Try again. Techno, sighing: I will try to stop Tommy from getting punched.

Cody: If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.

Everyone is playing a board game together Techno: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'. Kanade: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'. Katara: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'. Cody: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'. Katara: flips the board

Techno: Katara, get that hidious thing out of the living room, would you? Katara: Tommy, Techno wants you to get out of the house.

Tommy: Cody isn’t answering my messages. Kanade: Allow me. Tommy: I tried 6 times, what makes you thi- Cody: replying to message Hello.

Cody: I’m terrible at expressing myself. Katara: Don’t worry, actions speak louder than words! Cody: Yes, but my actions are also bad.

Katara: You know you can die from that, right? Techno: smoking a cigarette That’s the point. Cody: drinking alcohol We’re trying to speed this up. Kanade: Eating raw cookie dough and nodding

Cody with a gun to Techno's head: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven? Techno: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.

Techno: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window. Cody: …We're on the ground floor. Techno: I know but I want a dramatic exit.

Katara: The results are in, I’m afraid you have updog… Kanade: What’s updog? Katara: Tommy! Get in here, I told you I could do it!

Tommy: HEY HEY HEY! DON’T TOUCH THOSE! Kanade, touching a figurine: Why? What’s wrong with touching a doll? Tommy: THAT IS NOT A DOLL! This is a figurine, thank you very much. Katara, from afar: IT’S JUST A STIFF DOLL! Kanade: FIGURINE MY ASS! IT’S JUST A STIFF DOLL— as Katara said! Tommy: I hate all of you. That is a limited edition figurine I got from a conventio— Kanade: Drops figurine on the ground Tommy: —n. It was $100; all my money just went down the fucking drain.

Tommy: Let's all agree that going up the stairs on all fours is actually the best experience on earth. Katara: Conversely, going down the stairs on all fours is actually the most terrifying experience on earth.

Kanade: How do you do that? Techno: I'm fearless. Tommy: I saw you run from bees yesterday. You flailed around and tripped over a chair. It was both hysterical and sad. Techno: I'm mostly fearless.

Police: You’re under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle. Techno, with Cody and Tommy behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?! Police: Yes…three. Techno: Oh, my God— What the fuck!? Police: Wha- Techno: Kanade FUCKING FELL OFF!

Cody: When I met you I thought you were a real bitch. Techno: What changed your mind? Cody: Oh, I still think you’re a bitch, I’ve just grown to like that about you.

Techno: Are we really going to let Tommy keep Kanade? Cody: We kept Katara.

Kanade: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast? Katara: Several traffic violations. Tommy: Three counts of resisting arrest. Cody: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks. Techno: Also, that’s not our car.

Kanade: What do rainbows mean to you? Tommy: Gay rights. Katara: There's money. Techno: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood. Cody: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

In a group chat Kanade: A pegan just flew into my window. Katara: Pegan? Cody: A what? Tommy: Ah yes, my favourite bird, Pegan. Techno: I thought you said penguin for a second, LMAO! Tommy: Just a normal day with flying penguins crashing into my window. Techno: You have pigeons flying into your window? Can't relate, I have penguins flying into my window. Kanade: I literally just made a typo-

Kanade: Did you bring Techno? Tommy, gesturing to Katara: No, but I brought the next best thing. Kanade: Katara? The next best thing would be Cody. Katara: I would be offended, but Cody is freakishly strong.

Cody: You three, explain right now! Techno: It was Tommy. Katara: It was Tommy. Kanade: It was Tommy. Tommy: ** Tommy:** …fuck.

Katara: Anyone d- Cody: Depressed? Tommy: Drained? Kanade: Dumb? Techno: Disliked? Katara: -done with their work… what is wrong with you people…

Cody: Does everyone know their job for today? Kanade: Water the flowers. Katara: Vacuum the carpet. Techno: Wash the dishes. Tommy: Pretend to be a wolverine. Cody: Close enough.

Kanade: Why cant trees give off something important like wifi?? Techno: So fuck oxygen, I guess.

Kanade: Do you feel any better? Tommy: I feel much better now that you here with me. Katara walks in Tommy: I feel half better.

Katara: Are you good? Techno: In what sense? Katara: Generally. Techno: Oh, definitely not.

Cody: We’ll find another route, it’s not safe for amateur adventurers. Tommy: That sounds like a challenge. Cody: I have to stress, that is not a challenge. Tommy: …Is exactly what you say to dissuade the weak of heart from accepting the challenge. Well, challenge accepted! Cody: There is no challenge!

Cody: I love murder mysteries! Techno, trying to impress them: I've been a suspect in four murder cases.

Cody: The saying “it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to Techno.

Tommy: Here is my wall of inspirational people. Cody: Is that a picture of you? Tommy: Yes, I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

Tommy: Say no to drugs. Tommy: Say yes to drugs. Tommy: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs, cause if you're talking to drugs… then you're on drugs.

Cody: You really believe in Tommy? Kanade: Luckily, they believe in themself enough for the both of us.

Tommy: I wouldn’t wish that upon my worse enemy! Tommy: Unless of course. . We’re talking about my enemy, Katara. Fuck you Katara, you know what you did!

Cody: trying to get five seconds of sleep Tommy, poking Cody’s arm: Cody Cody. Cody. Cody. Cody: WHAT? Tommy: …We’re out of Capri Suns—

Cody, about to leave the house: Don’t spend all day watching YouTube, okay? Tommy: I FORGE MY OWN PATH!!

Kanade: Last week, Techno tried to flush a live lobster down the toilet "because it worked for Nemo".

Cody: I’m telling you, my team is competent. Tommy, rushing in: Cody! Kanade tried to make pasta in the coffee pot and now it's broken!

Katara: You guys worried about Cody? Tommy: Totally! Kanade: Yeah, they called me in the middle of the night and just yelled, "what do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?" Katara: And what'd you say? Kanade: "I dunno, I dunno, I dunno, I dunno." Tommy: Katara: They're lucky to have you as a friend.

Cody: talking about Tommy’s funeral You do know we’re burying a great person today! Techno, shocked: Did someone else die?

Techno: About to do something incredibly stupid Cody: I know I can't stop you, but I won't let you go by yourself.

after discussing a plan Techno: Does anyone have any questions? Cody: Is this legal? Techno: Does anyone have any relevant questions?

Tommy: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk. Techno: Go the fuck to sleep Tommy.

Tommy: What if I lied this whole time and I'm actually 18? Katara: Tommy, stop trying to get drugs. Tommy: Don't suppress my interests.

Cody: When life gives you lemons, what do you do? Katara: Make lemonade! Cody: No, throw them back up in the sky and make life deal with it’s own shit.

Tommy: If I were a drink, I'd be Cherry Vanilla Coke. If you were a drink, what would you be? Techno: Bleach. Cody: Sewage. Tommy: …Please calm down, edgelords.

Techno: That’s a crazy idea. Insane. It doesn’t make sense. Tommy: You’ll do it? Techno: Of course.

Techno: Heh, Cody sneezes like a girl. Cody: How about I pound you like boy? Cody: That didn’t come out right.

Tommy: pulls back the curtain while Cody is showering Tommy: Hey did we - stop screaming it’s me - did we run out of Cheerios?

Tommy: I’m a reverse necromancer! Techno: Isn’t that just- Katara: No. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. You are literally so fucking unfunny that it hurts. It physically hurts my body knowing that people still think murder is funny. I cant believe im saying this but do you guys know how chronically online you all are, thinking that saying “oOh iM a rEVeRsE nECrOmANcER i LOvE tO kiLL pEOpLe” is genuinely funny and will get everyone in the room shitting themselves from laughter?? cause its not. It’s fucking not. In fact, its the unfunniest fucking joke ever. Not just any joke about killing people. This one specifically. Its so unfunny and stupid. Nobody is fucking laughing at that, Tommy. It makes you look like a greasy emo kid who has never been outside once in their life and uses tumblr religiously. Like not even the funny side of tumblr. the fucking unfunny side filled with overused jokes about murder and illegal acts. Honestly, youre so unfunny, Tommy. Fuck you.

Katara: Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers! Techno: Please, just say fuck.

Kanade: Today, Tommy said a swear word, so Cody said that they were going to wash Tommy's mouth out with soap. Tommy replied, “It’s okay, I like the taste of soap”. Turns out, they’ve been putting soap on their lips to blow bubbles.

Cody: Is it just me or is instant ramen even better uncooked? Kanade: It’s just you.

Cody: What happened to Tommy? Kanade: They died. Cody: They what? Kanade: They died, but they’re okay. Cody: …Can you please clarify? Tommy: Clarification is for the weak.

Cody: What is the most illegal thing you can do with one gold? Techno: Exchange it for a hundred copper, put them all in a sock, and then beat someone to death with it.

Tommy: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it’s doing to your body. Kanade: Pfff, getting rid of the rust, idiot. Tommy: THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! Cody: Hmm… I've been drinking soda and my body's rust free… not sure where you're getting your facts from…

Cody: Tell them to eat shit, Kanade. Kanade: Tell them yourself. Cody: Eat shit, asshole. Fall of your horse.

Cody: This is a bad idea. Techno: Then why are you coming along? Cody: Someone has to get your injured ass home.

Cody: And have you learnt anything this Christmas, Kanade? Kanade: …Not really. Cody: Nothing? Kanade: Tell you one thing I have learnt—Christmas; ultimately, commercial holiday. Who's the real winner at Christmas? Amazon. they have drones now! Tiny little dystopian slaves delivering iPads and headphones. I ordered a toaster; It was on the doorstep five hours later! Do we need that? It was 4.99! For a toaster! I mean, someone's being exploited there.

Techno: Play to your strengths. Kanade: I haven’t got any!

Techno: What’s your biggest fear? Katara: I am incredibly arachnophobic. Techno, under their breath: You don’t want spiders to get married?

Tommy: What can therapy do for me that screaming in my car for 30 minutes can’t?

Kanade: You believe me? Techno: Kanade, you’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

Cody, texting Tommy: Text me when you’re home safely. Tommy: I’m home dangerously. Cody: Stop it. Tommy: I’m home lethally.

Tommy: You’re insane! Katara: Sure I am, what’s your point?

Cody: What do you call disobeying the law? The Squad: A hobby. Cody: crosses their arms The Squad: That we do not engage in.

Tommy: You have your weirdly sincere humility. Kanade: I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually.

Techno: I truly hate it here <3 Katara: Now replace “it” with “women”. Not so funny now, is it? Tommy: Now replace “it” with “women”. Not so funny now, is women? Kanade: Now replace “funny” with “women”. Not so women now, is funny? Cody: I’m having a fucking stroke. Tommy: Now replace “stroke” with “baby”. Congratulations! Tommy: I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

Techno: Editor's note: What the fuck?

Katara: You’re charged with…..breaking into a pet store? Techno: I thought the animals might be lonely.

Cody: So what are your political beliefs? Kanade, awkwardly trying to impress them: Well, I think Pikachu would be a lot more powerful if he had a gun.

Kanade: Remember everyone, violence is never the answer. Techno: You're right, Kanade.. Violence can't be the answer. Kanade: Correct, Techno. Now, on to the next lesso- Techno: Violence is the question. Techno: And the answer is yes! Kanade: Techno, no!!

Techno: How do ethical philosophers feel about murder? Cody: Well, it’s frowned upon. Techno: Okay, but what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? Techno: That’s okay, right?

Katara: Good morning. Cody: Good morning. Tommy: Good morning. Techno: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit. Kanade: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

Katara: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff. Kanade: I witnessed the dumb stuff. Techno: I recorded the dumb stuff. Tommy: I joined you in the dumb stuff. Cody: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!

Kanade: I think I did fairly well on my anatomy quiz! 🙂 Techno: I forgot I was doing a test. Kanade: Techno. Techno: I said the vertebrae was the back stick because I thought it was funny…. Cody: Techno.

Kanade: I’ve been here in jail so long I think I’ve lost my mind. Kanade: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months. Kanade: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year? Tommy: This is Monopoly. (Ref to kanade always being in jail)

Tommy: Hey Katara, check out this funny .GIF I found! Katara: It’s pronounced “jif”. Tommy: Huh? Katara: “Dot jif”, like the peanut butter. The creator said so. Tommy: That’s dumb, it’s Graphics Interchange Format. Katara: The P in .JPEG stands for “photographic”, but I bet you don’t say “J-pheg”. Tommy: “P” on its own isn’t pronounced like “F”, that’s totally different! Katara: It’s exactly the same! Tommy: Name one word that starts with “G” pronounced like “J”. Katara: Gentrification. Tommy: Shoot, should have thought of that. I was just in San Francisco. Katara: For your logic to be consistent, you’d have to say “skuh-bah” (scuba) or “lah-seer” (laser)! Tommy: Yeah? Well, you’d have to say “J-pej”! Tommy: …Wait, “laser” is an acronym? Katara: Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation. Tommy: Huh. Didn’t know that. Tommy: You’re still wrong, though. Katara: You just hate me because I’m right. Tommy: I just hate you in general. Katara: You mean in “geh-neral”? Tommy: Ugh, I’m “joing” to kill you!

Tommy: I have locked Cody in a cage designed by their own art. Oh, they have been well and truly hoist by their own petard. Techno: Could you put it another way? I didn’t understand a word of that. Tommy: I’m blackmailing them. Techno: Oh, happy days.

Techno: Guys! I found a 100 dollar bill! Techno: looks around ….Should I keep it? Katara: Techno, just do the right thing. Tommy: And put in your bag. Katara: No—

Cody: Question, how difficult would it be to bowl in a bee suit? Kanade: Not that hard, I don't think, as long as you can move. Techno: I'd assume as hard as it is to bowl in a maid outfit. Techno: Wouldn't be any harder, but you'd get some WEIRD looks. Tommy: Are. Are you speaking from experience. Techno: No! Techno: Techno: ….Maybe.

Cody: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat! Techno: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Tommy, go find out if that thing can catch fire! Cody: You're a bad influence. Techno: And you don't know your sayings.

The Squad: walking at the mall Techno: Hey, have any of you guys seen Kanade? They’ve been gone for a while.. Cody: Eh, nope. Tommy: No, I haven’t… Katara: Probably ran off to McDonald’s or something. Kanade: Hey. Techno: Ooh, there you are- Cody: What the fu- Katara: I- where were you?! Kanade: Walking right behind you guys. (Kanade just walks quietly)

Tommy: I will send my army to attack! Tommy: releases a dumpster of raccoons

Tommy: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions.

Katara: Why is there blood everywhere? Techno: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife. Katara: You stabbed someone?! Techno: No, no. I aggressively poked someone with a knife.

Cody: I bet you’re wondering why I gathered you here today. It’s because we need to have a discussion about how some people in this room aren’t getting along with other people in this room. Katara: Why did you say that so vaguely? Tommy and I are literally the only people you called in here.

(NOW MINE MWHAHHAHAHAHAHA)

Techno:PHIL , YOU CAN FINALLY HAVE A YOUNGEST THAT ISNT ANNOYING! Tommy:HEY SHUT UP BASTARD Kanade:hi:)

Cody: Where is your like. mom? Katara: ..Dead Kanade: Same. Katara: Tommy: My mum is death so like idk

“I may have accepted and almost killed a guy , but Tommy i think yoy deserve to murder him. No matter what aang says.”

-Katara

Clones:He’s so mysterious and cool i wonder what he’s thinking about Techno:

Techno: So.. this is the guy you are devoted to with all your life? Cody: Internally dying ..yes Techno , starring at Obi-wan Kenobi as he goes into battle with no armor , is British and is stupid: Cody , your better then this. please. This genuinely makes me feel bad.

Cody: Somebody is going to die- Techno , pulling out a sword: -Of death! 😄

Cody:no- techno- no you cannot kill the chancellor-

Techno:ANARCHY DOESN'T CALL FOR QUITTERS CODY

cut to 10 minutes later , the five are just stending over the exploded body of plapatine , who turned out to be an evil space wizard

Techno: I was correct- Cody , about to murder him: Shut. the. fuck. up. I'm processing this. Tommy , drinking a milkshake: This was fun. Kanade , also with a milkshake: Who knew it was fun to kill political leaders who are corrupt? Katara , sipping out of her own milkshake: Don't know , this will be great threat material.

after Cody has to explain to the jedi council why they murdered the chancellor

Cody: I- Techno , not caring in the slightest: I was in a silly mood

Cody: What do you mean you have been treated like a human being? Everyone else at the table: Techno: No he has a point

Phil walks into the room , with the gang laying in a circle , in the middle a speaker playing Nobody By Mitski Phil:.. you guys good? Cody: We can't get therapy so this is the best next thing. Katara: Sad white girl music. Tommy , absolutely sobbing: SHUT UP

Tommy in tears: So yeah- I guess that's all, my whole life story. Cody: Tommy I- Hey Dhar Mann fam, I hope you enjoyed that message about how you should never judge a book by it’s cover. And remember, we’re not just telling stories, we’re changing lives!

Tommy: God I never liked cigarrets , they taste bad. Cody: You aren't supposed to eat that- Tommy: Thats what i said!

Techno: A strategy you should always use against your enemies is telling bullshit. Straight up lies or truths exaggerated so high that they can’t even be considered truth. So when you slip up they think its just another lie. Tommy: That’s how they didn’t take you seriously?? Techno: Yeah basically

Kanade: I am not short , i am fun sized. Tommy: Wheres the fun then? Kanade: In your mother. Cody: Spits drink

.....theres a lot of em-