ok im going to try to articulate my thoughts on why i'm, personally, not bothered with the writing and what we've seen of the backstory in The Sign.

would i like to see more of their past? absolutely, however, with the limitations of episode count, the budget for special effects, etc. i totally understand the limited view we're getting and personally i do think they give us everything we need to know.

based on the amount of parallels we're seeing between this life and their first life we can pretty safely use current day phaya and tharn as a cipher to unlock their backstory to their previous life.

we see wansarut bold and unapologetic in the face of sakuna? is that his name in the book? remains unclear to me but sure. garuda!phaya. we see garuda!phaya push her boundaries and push to get closer to her despite her protests. this is a direct correlation to present day tharn and phaya and the dance they've done with their relationship. with this in mind we can pretty much assume their relationship formed similarly, through a back and forth, clash of personalities, meeting on common ground, and finally wansarut's walls coming down to let sakuna in where he then simply adores her in the same manner phaya adores tharn.

again, i would love to see that journey, but i'm okay not seeing it when i use the context clues given by the rest of the narrative to fill in those gaps. i personally find it fun to imagine what may have been different, what may have been the same, etc. i think it gives fanfic authors and creative types the opportunity to play with the characters and connect to them in their own ways. i don't always think we need to know every tiny detail of the characters we love as this allows us to see more of ourselves in them.

as for the way modern day phaya and tharn's relationship has been written i also haven't been upset with that either. there's a certain magnetism we've seen between them that draws them together in the way tharn instinctively leans into phaya immediately in episode 1, the way he wants so very badly to kiss phaya in episode 2, etc. i think it's been a beautiful waltz between them, a careful give and take, you step back and i step forward until our steps reduce and we meet in the middle.

there is a point to be made for how quickly things progressed after the kiss but these are two people whose instincts and bodies have been calling to each other on a soul deep level and i don't think it's entirely out of the realm of possibility to say that perhaps in that moment they became wansarut and sakuna again, they had the opportunity to greet each other again and say 'i've missed you.'

i think you can gain a lot from The Sign by looking at it through a romantic lens rather than something purely analytical, but that could just be me and my romantic whimsy.

as for everything about their karma, i'm simply not educated on that aspect of things enough and i'm not really worrying about it. i'm just kind of viewing it as some kind of misfortune on both of them for the perceived slight against chalothorn and rolling with it.

all this to say everyone's thoughts are completely valid. i've really enjoyed seeing the differing thoughts and gaining a different perspective from my own. i think the one thing we can all agree on is that these two deserve to be happy and be at peace and i hope we get to see that.

I love amy AU

- wc: 1066 - tws: yandere, threats to reader (implied?), possessive hopefully i didnt go too soft as i fear i did but hey i tried and im still proud of it

Got this idea by spacexseven and oh my god the brain rot that i had for jouno’s part before actually writing it, i had sooo many ideas for him. Best read with a male reader but gn works as well.

Jouno:

Usually talking wasn't exactly your type, getting into drama even less so, but you can't help but overhear talks about a Jouno. Figuring that you won't ever actually talk to the man, you ignored all the sadist claims about him. Afterall it was none of your business, but you should’ve have been wary about the rumors. There were instances where you did see him in passing, a tiny smile on his face. Other than those times you weren't concerned when really you should have at least kept your guard up.

All it took to get your attention was a tap on your shoulder and a condescending smile that gave off a strong warning. To say it irked you would be an understatement. 

The conversation he started, began fairly casual, asking about what you were doing. This calamity quickly broke when he asked about your business with X, claiming that they were simply too busy to interact with strays. He also attatched vague threats while asking you questions moreso related about X. his smile getting ever so slightly bigger when you staggered back in a wave of uncomfortability. You had your best efforts to explain how it was for work and nothing more, you and X only having a lukewarm understanding of each other. It took a lengthy amount of unnerving silence and Jouno’s expressionless face to turn into a quiet hum from him. Putting up a hand to his chin in thought, until he asked you for more information on X and to take notes for him. Obviously not without poorly concealed threats about if you didn't comply those “rumors" would be tested out on you. 

At least you weren't dead or injured so you’ll take it to avoid being those two things in the near future.

He ended up forcing you to go to a cafe to meet up with him every other week, giving him the notes and briefly explaining what was in them. These notes were mainly audio based to make it easier for him, while you didn't mind doing it, he would complain about how you sounded in them. This was his favorite part of these meetings, making you stressed out and audibly groan at his complaints. Not to mention the degrading comments that came with the meetings. You attempt to say if he ever wanted to get with X the degrading comments had to go, he simply hummed in response, effectively ignoring you. He annoyed you to no end but you gained a little odd sense of pride noting everytime he would give a little smile towards your work.

Soon these meetups became more during the week, instead of 0-1 per week, it started to become 2-3 a week. These updates in schedule made you panic due to the notes you had to record for him, (you knew if you brought this up he’d just laugh cruelly at you).  

However, during this time period something strange started to happen with his attitude towards people around you, mainly any close friends near to you. Whisking you away from your friends because in his words “you’re supposed to be taking notes for me not getting distracted.” and overall trying to intimidate anyone that came close. 

You decided to ignore it since he was more focused on getting information and would not accept you slipping up. The only thing making you want to bash your head in was his sometimes cocky comments about how X should be glad he's seeking them out. Casually noting how he talked about them like an object at times, something he's gonna win, a prize. Overall despite this, you came to like Jouno as a person despite his odd moments of pride but you weren't one to judge after all. (The way he bluntly and sometimes rudely talks to X makes you heavily conflicted.) Sometimes he’d let you vent your own troubles while giving his own advice, be it in a more joking way. It made you loosen up your guard for him but it still felt off, knowing it would never be a proper friendship with the man.

The next time you two meet up, he buys your drink along with something else from the menu, claiming it was for all your hard work as of late. Jouno gave a genuine smile at your reaction towards his generosity. You gave him a small comment about how this would be a great start for X. This wasn't the right move apparently. He immediately tenses up, starts scolding you on how you weren't grateful for what he did for you and not X. After nervously drinking while avoiding Jouno's heavily annoyed expression, you were ready to leave. After a while he apologizes for his sudden outburst, saying he’d take your words into consideration. 

Eventually when you were close to him, he would ask if you could make the notes about yourself instead of X. it caught you off guard but you went along with it, agreeing to do so (it also cured the major headache about scraping for information about X). Sometimes when you were drinking, he'd reach over to your free hand and squeeze with enough pressure to make it hurt. Jouno was adoring the pained breaths that came out of your mouth along with your obvious pained reaction physically. The more degrading comments start to become more frequent while oddly being overly possessive of you. Yet you wanted to continue being ignorant and think he's just being stressed over his own work and future with X. he visited you everyday he could, smiling every time you’d look his way. But this has its downside, driving away anyone who dared try to talk or engage with you about anything.

Then it came full circle, you needed to talk to X about something related to your actual work. You hadn't noticed Jouno following you. Getting a few sentences in before you’re engulfed by Jouno’s arms around your waist. 

X was tensed up, unwilling to look your way, the air became eerily strained.

“Darling, what are you doing talking to strays that aren't worth our time?” 

A/N, i hope those last words work but im willing to change them later down the line if i ever add this into a compilation if i continue to do I Love Amy au's

like i said i hope i didnt go too soft here

Hey I got a request for Tommy Shelby so you are tommy daughter age 15 so your mum died when you was little and polly and Esme are out of town and Linda and you don’t ger on

So you just start your first period and you don’t know what to do and you was to scared to tell Tommy so you didn’t when he got home you started to cry in his arms but still didn’t tell him In the middle of the night you run to his room crying because you was in some much pain and you leak on the bed as well so you was scared he was going to yell at you but he didn’t and help you

Hope that make sense

Hey Anon,

Thanks for waiting!!! I changed a bit of it but hopefully you enjoy it!

Warnings: cramps, periods, missing your mum,

You woke up and felt a strange type of feeling in the pit of your abdomen. It wasn't enough to cause pain at first but it did distract you as you went about your morning routine. 

Coming downstairs, you looked at your breakfast but couldn't manage more than a piece of toast. You munched on it wondering where everyone was. You stood up to make some herbal tea in the kitchen and felt a strange sort of rush. It was followed by an awful cramping sensation. You sat back down as the pain stole your breath and took a few moments. 

Your immediate reaction was to go to the bathroom, where you saw an absolute mess in your panties. Panic shot through you. What the hell were you supposed to do? 

You got yourself cleaned up and tried to keep it contained. You called your dad and felt sick when he answered the phone. 

“Shelby?” He said in a cold voice. You hated his telephone voice and you felt small. You couldn't bother him with this type of stuff.

“Do you know where Polly is?” You blurted out realizing you must sound panicked. 

“She’s gone to London with Esme. What’s wrong?” His voice was softer now and you considered telling him but something in your chest just wouldn't budge. It felt like a deep dark secret, it was too vulnerable to outside of your body. 

“Ah, nothing. Just feeling a bit off. Probably just going to rest for the day.” 

“Do you need me home?” He asked and a part of you wanted to say yes. 

“No, no. that’s alright. I’ll be fine.” You lied. “Just going to read in bed. Nothing to worry about.” Your voice almost caught. Tears started to fill your eyes. 

“Alright, love. Call if you need me.” 

“I love you.” You whispered. You felt no control over your thoughts or feelings.

“Love you too.” He said it with an air of suspicion and you regretted saying it. With your head spinning you went back into your room. You lit a fire and crawled under your heavy quilts. 

You grabbed a book from your side table and tried to hide away. 

He just wasn't quick enough. The arrow pierced his flesh and his muscular body fell hard into the forest floor. 

The book slipped from your fingers and you cried. Harder than you could ever remember. Your body shook as you cried out. Your emotions ran all over you as you felt your heartbreak. 

Just then there was a knock at the door. You wiped your face with your sleeves. 

“Can I come in?” Linda called from the hallway. There wasn't any way to hide. 

“Erm- Yeah?” You said and the door opened. 

“Are you alright?” She asked concern causing her face to twist up. You figured you could tell her, but that knot in your chest got tighter. The only person you wanted to tell was your mum. But she was long gone. You felt an empty sensation consume you and you fought the urge to cry. 

“Yeah, just a sad book.” You managed. Her eyes flicked to the book on the floor beside the bed, her eyes darkened when she looked at the cover. Her eyes moved back to you and you resisted the urge to sit up straighter. You didnt particularly like Linda. 

“There is only one book you should be concerned with and that sure isn't it.” Her voice was sharp. “I’ll have a word with your father, though I doubt he has any interest in the redemption of your soul.” 

Your fists balled in your blankets and you fought the urge to scream at her. You imagined hitting her, her blood splattering the carpet. But you were Tommy’s daughter, no consequences would fall on your shoulders. Arthur would have to answer for it and that made you want to hit her even more. 

“If that’s all I’ll be on my way.” She looked at you for a moment longer and you hated how much you wanted to make her hurt for what she had said to you. She turned and shut your door. Once you heard the front door shut you padded down to your dad’s study. 

You pulled the top desk drawer open and snatched a pack of cigarettes. You stomped back upstairs and slammed your bedroom door. You sat on the ledge of your window and opened it enjoying the cold wet air. You lit a cigarette and started in on the pack. Why you felt this would help you didn’t know. It just seemed right.  

The smoke was awful but also satisfying. You sat there until your stomach hurt so bad you had to move back to your bed. 

The cramping sensation came in waves and you drifted in and out of sleep. The pain was only getting worse. The day passed into night and you only made it as far as your bathroom and back. The blood was more and more, coupled with the pain started to make you worry. 

What if something was really wrong? Maybe your organs weren't right and were bleeding to much? What if it didnt stop like other women and you bled out?

Worries consumed and you drifted back to sleep. It seemed to be the only thing that helped the pain. 

The pain became unbearable and it caused you to wake up. It hurt to breathe and you couldn't move. Just then a knock sounded on your door and your dad opened it slowly. He took one look at you and ran to your side. 

You were curled up into a ball and felt so awful and embarrassed you wished you would pass out. 

“What’s wrong?” His voice was scared and it caused you to just give up. 

“I got my time of the month- fuck” The cramps kicked up again and you couldn't speak. 

“Alright.” He said rubbing your back. There was a silence and you felt the tears coming again. 

“I want my mum” You whispered before crying out. At that, he held you tightly. 

“Me too.” He said softly. He kissed the top of your head before stiffening slightly. “Go take a bath and I’ll give Polly a call.” 

You moved the blankets and started to cry even harder in embarrassment. The quilt your mum had made also had some blood on it and that caused something hard to break inside you. 

“Hey, now. It’s alright.” He tried to help you up. He got you to the bathroom and started the bath before leaving you alone. It felt awful being alone but the hot water helped the pain immediately. 

_________________________________________________

“Shelby” Polly’s voice was a little slurred and he assumed that everything was going well in London, perhaps too well. 

“Pol, Shes’s - erm started her time of the month-” He sighed not sure what he was really asking for. “So how do you think I should go about that.” 

“Oh, I’ll drive back -” She said in a more sober voice. 

“No, I can handle it. I’m just not sure how you lot handle this type of thing.” 

“There are sanitary things in my bathroom. The bottom shelf of the vanity.” He could hear a bunch of rustling on her end. 

“Alright thank you.” He said grateful for her help. “Enjoy the rest of the trip.” It was out of character for him to say this but he was grateful that she helped. Things between them hadn't been the easiest with the expansion to London, he hated how much it bothered you but he just didnt know how to fix it. 

“Alright. See you soon.” She said in a distracted tone. He hung up the phone and went into the bedroom she normally slept in when she would visit. There was a thin film of dust on the dresser and he could feel how much he missed her for the first time. 

He found what he was looking for and headed back to the bathroom. Hopefully this didnt require instruction. 

______________________

You got out of the bath and dried off and changed, your dad opened the door a crack and stuck his arm through. You took the box from him. 

“Pol said to use those.” He explained through the door. 

“Right. Thanks.” You said weakly. Thankfully things were self-explanatory and you got yourself sorted. You assumed he would be down in his study for the night so your plan was to look through Polly’s room for another romance novel to distract yourself. 

You came out of the bathroom and took note of your clean sheets and new quilt on the bed. A sense of panic and irritation shot through you. Where the fuck was your quilt?

You didnt care that there was blood on it. You would keep it stained, you would even keep it’s ashes if it burnt up. Your mother had made that for you while pregnant. You were supposed to be buried with it. You ran down the stairs ready to fight someone. You went straight to the kitchen to check the garbage can. 

Swinging open the heavy door, you were caught by your dad at the sink. He had his vest off and his sleeves rolled up. 

“Where-” but you realized it was soaking in the sink. “Oh.” 

“Not the first time I’ve had to get blood out of somthing, probably won’t be the last.” He was smoking with one hand and adding some liqiud into the sink with the other. He looked so unbothered that you started to cry again. 

“No - you dont have to -” But you had already started to hug him. 

“You can fix it?” You sobbed. 

“Of course. I’m your dad.” He said this a lot but his voice was different this time. It had a weight to it that made you cry even more. “Everything is going to be fine.” 

And surprisingly it was. He found a hot water bottle in the cupboard and tucked you into your bed. He grabbed the book off the floor and you snatched it away tossing it towards your laundry hamper. 

“What was-” 

“Don’t worry about it.” You said not wanting to remember what Linda had said. 

“Alright, let's stick to the classics.”He grabbed a book off of your shelf and sat next to you reading. You relaxed against him and felt like a little kid again. A bittersweet feeling ran over you and you knew your dad felt it too. If he was sitting next to you reading a bedtime story, something he hadn't done in around 10 years, he must feel it. 

Time was moving quickly, pulling the both of you away from your mother, and eventually, it would pull the both of you apart as well. You took a deep breath and tried to focus on the story that was unfolding knowing it was the only way to slow time down. 

___________________________________

She fell asleep on his shoulder but he just couldn't bring himself to get up and leave yet. The flashes of pain in your eyes as you cried for your mother made him remember your face as a child doing just the same. He wished she would have been here, just like every other milestone. 

He lit a cigarette and noticed that there was an ashtray on your window. Next to it was a box he was pretty sure came from his desk downstairs. He could get angry at you, but who was he to lecture you on smoking? He sighed. 

There was a faint knock at the door and Tommy’s eyes narrowed slightly. Polly poked her head in and gave him a look he hadn't seen in a very long time. 

“She alright?” 

“Yeah.” He gave a nod. Polly came in and sat on the end of the bed, she looked tired and older somehow. 

“I’m not happy with the way this family is being run.” Her voice was cold but there was a tinge of sadness that softened him slightly. 

“I agree” Her eyes snapped towards him. “I think we can work something out.”  

She took a long moment to look into the fire. Some of the tension in her shoulders relaxed and he hoped they could find a way to stop fighting. 

“I got her some stuff for the morning.” She patted his leg before getting up. “I’ll be in my usual spot if you need anything.” She gave a soft smile that didnt quite reach her eyes before moving out of the room. 

“I think you should have tried a bit harder.” You whispered causing him to jump slightly. 

“Is that so?” 

“Yeah, all things considered, we could die anytime we leave the house. She’s been more of a help to you than anyone else that’s been in your life. Also, I miss her.” Your voice wobbled and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Alright, go to sleep and I’ll fix it.” He tucked you in under your covers and went to go have a proper talk with Polly. 

____________________-

You settled into your bed and thought about how far you could milk this emotional instability. Maybe you could even get him and Esme to get along. 

Esme showed up in the morning and she and Pol cooked a proper breakfast. Esme made you some tea to help with the cramping, and Polly told you some stories about your mother. 

Then they both gave a very giggly talk about the birds and the bees  and a more serious one about womanhood.

They kept you fed with lots of herbal tea and meat. 

They took you out shopping and spoiled you rotten.

Tommy was always aware of the PMS and tried to keep the house as mellow as possible during that time. He hated seeing you sad and everyone was slightly afraid of your temper. He had to keep an extra eye on the guns and cigarettes. 

Feel free to ignore this request/ Would you write spy x reader having casual sex with him verbally teasing her because of the age gap and her daddy kink 🤧

i am so fucking sorry that it took me so long but i also had NO idea how to start it, to make up for that fact, its rlly fucking long. im not really happy with it but i feel bad if i keep this in drafts any longer. its mostly rlly sweet so i hope it has enough teasing for you. heavily inspired by my heart belongs to daddy + some other songs similar to that. (btw if a hookup kisses your forehead, hes a piece of shit, its only hot when dilfs do it), 

tags: smut duh, hes daddy lol so,, hookup/one night stand. age gap obviously. lightly lolita inspired so its up for interpretation if this is a felony or not. ur getting seduced because,, obviously, maybe a virgin? maybe not? kind of implied ur just inexperienced compared to him, unhappy ending oops, soft sex but he gets a little aggro, panty snatcher 9000

tbh hes hard to write dialogue for but i <3 him. (also i wrote enough dialogue for a part 2 except my brain stopped working so i had to cut it short) (beta didnt read all of it so hopefully its okay)

;;

“You have to admit, it’s a little exciting, no?”

“You could say that.” I grinned anxiously as he held my chin to make me look up at him.

“Not a soul can know about this, ma cherie.” He said, lightly kissing my lips. I leaned softly into his touch as he spoke. “I hope you understand.”

And deep down, it was beyond easy to tell that he meant that in more than one way, almost like he had a handful of reasons to not speak about this, for no one to find out. He could spoon feed any excuse to keep this hush hush.

“Yeah, I know.” I swallowed thickly. “You’re very handsome.” 

“And you are very beautiful.” He smiled.

“Thank you.” I reached up to touch his face, though hesitated because of his mask.

“Go on.” He whispered.

He took my hand in his and placed it against his cheek, the fabric was soft and well cared for, his jawline felt sharp under the touch and I could only imagine what he properly looked like without the damn thing on. The soft fabric enticed me to stroke his cheek softly which he, after a few seconds of processing, leaned into with a soft hum, clearly interested by how much I was mesmerised by such a simple item. The way we paused for this one moment of tenderness.

“Can I take it off?”

“No.” He said somewhat sternly before softening, he stayed in thought momentarily.

My hand left his face, meeting on his shoulders and both hands trailing down the front of his suit, feeling the expensive fabric under my touch. I nodded softly in understanding, though he could sense the disappointment.

“Maybe another time, ma cherie, right now, this is for both of our safety.” His eyebrows knitted together, and it was clear to tell that he wasn’t happy about it either though, admittedly, the idea of there being another time in the future was almost exciting enough to make up for it.

“No, I understand.” I spoke, not telling the entire truth and it was somewhat evident in my voice that it was, in fact, not okay.

“I want this to be wonderful, my dear. Please don’t be upset.”

I looked around his fancy hotel room, not booked for me but it was still an honour to be invited here, the last hour and a half is a blur and all I’d rather focus on is the man over twice my age standing in front of me.

“This is wonderful.”

He smiled and wrapped his arms around my torso, pulling me close to him and taking us to a very fancy couch in the large hotel room with a faux fireplace. All we need now is a bearskin rug. We basically flopped onto the couch with little to no grace and I was almost fully prepared for whatever will come next.

A short laugh escaped both of us at the short tumble. He repositioned us to sit somewhat awkwardly with him hovering above me as he began to gently kiss and nip at my neck. I leaned against the armrest, the harsh wood pressing into my back.

“You are... heaven.” He spoke, unsure if he was using the right words as he continued to kiss my flesh softly, despite his hands being harshly digging into my hips. “You are perfection.” He whispered, trailing off slightly, losing himself in his thoughts.

“Y’think so?” I breathed.

“How does it feel to be with a man who wants you?” He lightly teased as his fingers slowly lingered off my hips and under the hem of my dress, bunching it up as his hands returned to their original place.

“It’s intoxicating.” I admitted, saying it almost too quickly.

“You are intoxicating.” He smugly smiled, pressing a strong kiss on my lips. “You like getting drunk on a man’s love.” He began to slowly analyse. God, he must be good at his job.

“Is it that obvious?”

“A little, but there’s nobody here but me and you in this big and safe room.”

I felt a little embarrassed by his comments, simply reaching up to unbutton his suit, pulling the tie loose and unbuttoning the white shirt. He shrugged off his jacket and threw it on a nearby chair, letting my hands take their sweet time on undressing him. The mask was bunched around his neck slightly, hanging somewhat loosely around his collarbones which was usually covered by the neckline of his suit.

“You just love feeling desired, don’t you?”

I stared up at him, his words bounced around in my brain like an infection as I continued to unbutton his shirt. “Yes.” I confessed, though he was already well aware.

“A beautiful girl like yourself deserves appreciation.” The way he said ‘girl’ slowly dripped off his tongue and floated in the air. He was mocking me.

“Thank you, daddy.” I acted boldly, dipping my toes in the water as I wrapped my arms loosely around him, his shirt now only halfway unbuttoned.

He froze, completely still, staring down at me with an unreadable face, and all he did for a few moments was stare with a slightly agape mouth before finally letting out a small laugh. 

“That.. was a surprise. You’re really into this. You’re not afraid at all.” He spoke somewhat calmly but with a sense of condescension in his words. We both leaned closer to each other, thoughts running wild.

“C’mon, Daddy.” My lips ghosted over his, my hands trailing down his torso again and landing on his hips, he took a sharp inhale and stared down at me with his half-lidded eyes and a now clenched jaw.

“Merde.” He cursed quietly. “Don’t.”

He quietly snaked his hand around my throat loosely, not applying any pressure but more as a blank threat to stop pushing him and to distance my face slightly away from his.

“I’ll stop.” I lied through my teeth and he furrowed his eyebrows at it, knowing it to be a lie.

His lips twitched, threatening to turn into a smile though he tried to remain stone-faced as he contemplated what I deserved. He kept one hand around my throat as the other stayed glued to my hip, he began rubbing small circles with his thumb as he thought.

“You are in very experienced hands.” He finally said, leaning in to kiss me again.

“What are you gonna do?” I asked sweetly.

“What would you like me to do? What would make you happy?” He spoke slowly with a deep reverence, the way the words fell from his mouth was strangely erotic but you know what they say about french accents.

I took a moment too long to answer, so he freely slid his hands into my panties and felt his way to my clit, much faster than anyone previously. I closed my eyes softly and he could read the surprise written on my face. He began to move slowly, his mouth slightly opening as he watched me keenly.

“God.” I breathed out.

“How do you feel? Do you like being with a man instead of a boy?” He smirked slightly, moving his hand slightly faster and releasing my throat from his grasp. “You must not be used to being treated so kindly, for someone to desire you, to wish to ravish you, to enrapture.” He rambled on, enjoying the view beneath him.

“Never had anything like this before.”

“This is what a real man does. We take care of our women, make sure they’re happy.” He took a shaking breath as he watched every move I made, his hand moved from my throat to gently stroke the side of my face and pet my hair. “We make them feel beautiful, tell me, do you feel beautiful?”

“Yes, I do.” I tried to maintain eye contact and despite the slow pace, he felt really good.

“A mature man does whatever his woman wants.” He hummed. “We have big, strong arms that can hold them up. We can catch them when they fall. Do you enjoy being treated this way, little girl?”

“Yes, daddy.”

He furrowed his eyebrows sternly, despite knowing what would happen when he called me a little girl. It was so clear that it was getting under his skin in such an interesting way, one that I’ve never seen before. “Let me see you.”

I blinked momentarily at his question, which seemed more like a statement, before it clicked. “Oh, yes.” I spoke nervously as I lifted my hips for him. 

He still looked mostly emotionless as he slowly peeled away the black panties and also threw it to the side which will be a bitch to find a little later. He admired it for a moment, both hands on my hips, holding me from squirming away and I felt like shrinking under his gaze. He spat harshly on the view. “Such a pretty chatte, ma petite fille.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.” He smiled softly as his fingers lowered and rested right there where I needed him, threatening to dip into me, rubbing small circles around the hole. I was clenching around nothing, wanting him inside me, letting out small gasps at the feeling, and he rolled his eyes sarcastically, placing his hand over my mouth as he pushed his long fingers deep inside me. I let out a muffled moan at his actions, staring up at him wide eyed. “Don’t you dare say what you’re thinking.” He said sternly, trying very hard to dissuade me as he slowly lowered his hand, resting it gently around my throat.

I nodded at his words. “Fuck.” I whined. 

“How would you like me to finger you, ma cherie?” I blinked at his question, it was unexpected to hear. He quirked an eyebrow before rolling his eyes again. “Do I need to show you?”

“Yes.” I responded, slightly embarrassed. He switched between two distinct styles then tilted his head for a response. I took a second to catch my breath and think. “Uh, second one?” 

“Anything for you.” He praised as he slowly moved his incredibly and unnaturally talented fingers.

He slowly began to amp it up and I let out pitiful gasps and moans as he went to work, cold-faced besides the occasional smile which he’d try to hide. I wanted to writhe and scream against his touch, feeling electrified.

“Feels good?” He asked softly, leaning forward and kissing my forehead.

“Yeah, it feels really good.” I spoke, biting my lip to restrain myself from calling him daddy.

His free hand fell from my throat and tried to undo the buttons on his shirt but struggled due to his limitations, he withdrew his hand and stuck it in his mouth briefly before continuing to shrug off his shirt. He grinned at the sweetness before placing his hands on my hips, pulling me closer to him so I was no longer awkwardly leaning against the armrest and laying flat down on the couch.

He had shallow breathing as he began to unbuckle his belt and lower his pants and boxers. I kinda took him for a briefs guy. Nonetheless, he attempted to strip himself from his remaining clothes. It was a little awkward to watch admittedly.

I ran my hands up and down his toned stomach momentarily as he shuffled his pants just low enough for him to comfortably free his erection, giving it a few languid strokes before aligning it to me.

“You’re so pretty.” He mumbled as he pushed in, slowly at first but quick to bottom out to get it over and done with. “Mon dieu, ma petite fille.”

“Ah, fuck—” I cursed out as I grabbed onto his arm harshly at the feeling.

“Hey, Y/n.” He hushed. “Shh, you’re alright.” He spoke through gritted teeth, clearly trying to restrain himself in the slightest.

I nodded. “I’m alright.” I held onto him harshly, still trying to get used to the size.

“God, you’re so warm and soft.” He panted, groaning quietly.

“Mhm. ‘m not tight?” I breathed slowly.

“You feel just like a woman should.” I clenched around him and he let out a guttural groan. “Merde, mais tu es serré, si serré.” He rambled, his hands harshly digging into my hips.

“Huh?”

His head went limp and dipped down into the crevice of my neck. “Gonna need you to relax, can’t—” He grunted. I tried to level my breathing as he placed soft kisses on my neck. “I said you’re so tight, you feel so good.”

I writhe against the couch below him, feeling the slow drag of his velvety skin, despite being slow, it was deep. His eyes were hooded as they looked down at me and I struggled to keep eye contact. “Fuck, hurts.” I groaned softly, pushing at his hips to try to relieve some of the tension.

“Désolé.” He spoke softly, still pressing soft kisses against my skin and trying to rub smooth circles into my hips. “There is nothing better than this.”

The slow drag of his cock was intoxicating, I was devoid of words as his hand softly pressed against my stomach as his thumb reached to play with my clit, the soft fabric of my dress still bunched up at my waist.

“Si vous lisez ceci, j'avais juste besoin de remplissage.”

“Feels so good, daddy.” I finally cursed out.

He grunted with a particularly harsh thrust. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and I could already sense what was about to happen.

“You’re just a little girl. I’ll treat you like one.” He spat as he littered kisses down my neck again, contrary to his words. “You have no idea what you’re doing. You’re nothing compared to an experienced, well established, refined man like me. Is that what you wanted?” He spoke, dragging out the syllables of every word that left his mouth.

“What are you gonna do, daddy?” I spoke as he looked down at me with all the willpower that was left in his body. His thrust began to pick up pace slowly as I was adjusting to him, he hovered over me, entirely naked besides the mask. 

“I’m gonna show you how a man treats a woman.”

“And how am I going to go back to boys after you do?”

“You won’t.” He responded plainly but with a slight grin. “I’ll ruin you for young men. Why would you want to go back to a boy anyway? You won’t have to worry about boys.” He spoke possessively, purring at the feel of my body beneath him.

I let out a pathetic moan at the way he was speaking, feeling putty in his hands and more than willing to let this man ruin me for anyone less than experienced. 

He basically growled as his pager beeped at him. “Saved by the bell.”

“Wha— Huh?” I responded in a lust-filled daze as he haltered his movements completely and gave me a moment to rejoin planet earth before he continued.

“I need to go. Work calls.”

“Oh.” I frowned, pulling his face closer to mine to kiss him properly. Admittedly, I was a little disappointed at the sudden end, though by the looks of it, so was he given that his jaw was so clenched you could practically hear teeth cracking under the pressure.

“I’m sorry.” He spoke softly, he placed one last kiss before leaving the situation entirely.

He pulled himself out and unbunched the skirt from around my waist, though we both had no idea where my panties had ended up. He began to put his suit back on slowly but equally so, he had no idea where his tie was.

“You can stay if you wish.” He said solemnly.

“Isn’t that weird?”

“No, I don’t know when I’ll be back but there’s no point letting this hotel room go to waste with no one staying in it.” He looked around. “It was quite expensive.” He whispered softly, there were teasing undertones but it was clear he was trying to convince me into staying, like this was the one service he could provide for me, despite his sudden departure.

“I don’t think I should.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back sometime in the morning, then we can get breakfast.”

“You’re gonna come back?”

“It would be rude to leave you, no?” He spoke, looking down at me while he buttoned up his shirt before slipping on his jacket and smoothing his mask below the collar. Without his tie, he left the first button undone on the white shirt and it looked enticing. “How else am I supposed to show you that boys are just a waste of time?”

“That is true. So.. You’ll see me again?” I tried to joke back with him but it hung in the air and he could sense the disappointment and hesitation.

“Yes.” He answered thickly. “I mean, I really shouldn’t but.. I seem to be unable to stop myself nonetheless.” He leant in for another kiss before hesitating and deciding to place it on the forehead instead. “The bed is very soft, ma cherie. I must insist you stay the night, at the very least.” He repeated softly. 

“I’ll stay.” I nodded, unsure if I would keep my promise.

“You can order room service if you need.” He spoke again, picking up his pager and sliding it into his suit jacket. “I wish I didn’t need to go.”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

He nodded silent as he trudged through the room, he picked up his small duffel bag and did a silent salute goodbye before bending over again and picking up something from the ground and sliding it into his pocket, not that I saw what it was.

“I bid you adieu.” He spoke softly from the doorway before disappearing off into the night.

Scoundrel and princess

Dick grayson x reader

Warnings: none

Word count: 1,629

Authors note: I don't even know if this is good, I literally just finished watched Empire strikes back and this popped into my head. I'm sorry if this is terrible.

First person pov:

It was a calm night in the tower everyone was in the living room ready for annual movie night that happened every Thursday after Gar made the notion that "we should all should spend more time together" and Dick agreed.

Which leads us back to the living room. Currently me and Rachel are trying to decide what movie to put on. "Why don't we watch Empire strikes back?" I ask Rachel as she's still scrolling through the thousands of titles, " didnt we just watch star wars last week?" "Yeah but that was a new hope! We can't just start the original trilogy without finishing it!" I try to entice her to side with me but all I am met with is silence and a squint in her eyes seeing that she is contemplating. Gar had decided that last Thursday we should watch A New Hope so Konner could quote on quote "be whole". As a advid nerd I immediately said yes and with the whole group not caring that is what we watched.

I normally would have enjoyed watching Star Wars, being able to quote it word for word in my head with the occasional slip, but I wasn't able to out of the corner of my eye all I could focus on was the way that Dick and Kory sat close together as he whispered in her ear what was happening in the movie to make sense to her as she would continously question the movie.

It sucked having to see that and hear the little laughs that would come out of her mouth anytime Dick made a joke or the way that he would run his hand up and down her arm when they quited down. They claim to be just friends, but it just never looked that way and to be stuck not being able to tell him how I feel hurts even worse than any punch or knife thrown at me.

" Okay fine we can continue star wars, but it's just because I want to see more of luke skywalker" Rachel finally states, "really! And I happen to be more of han solo girl myself" I replied back biting my lip to hide the smile threatening to come across my lips. "Of course you are" she replies back winking, Rachel is the only one to know about my crush on Dick. She had read my thoughts one time when I got hit badly while out on a mission, she was trying to see if I was stable but came across all my thoughts about the bird brain. I was just lucky she never said anything about what she saw to anyone, but now she just teases me about it any chance she can get.

"Rachhh, let's just put the movie on and tell the others" I whine while changing the subject getting up to tell Konner, Krypto and Tim what we chose, while goes to get Gar, Dick and Kory.

I head back to the living room but make a quick stop at the kitchen grabbing some soda and popcorn to snack on while the movie plays, "hopefully this can distract me enough to tonight" I say to myself in my head. Carrying all the junk in my arms I place down on the table moving to get settled in my spot on the couch, the corner that's covered in a blue and grey flannel blanket that is only ever used by me when I'm sitting there. I close my eyes at the warm the blanket brings and open then when I hear the sounds of foot steps and voices fill the air.

As everyone takes their place in their normal spots I notice that Dick instant sitting besides Kory but is actually making his way towards me. I look over to the spot he's been sitting in for the past couple of weeks and see that Gar and Rachel have taken it over, Rachel turns her towards me and we make eye contact, she winks at me and shifts her head back towards Gar.

"Hey is it okay if I sit here?" The voice I've grown to love asks me, "Yeah sure go ahead" smiling waiting for him to take the seat. As he sits my heart begins to flutter like crazy, I know that Konner and Krypto can probably hear it and are confused as to why it sounds like I'm gonna have a heart attack but I can't find myself to care. He could have sat on the floor with Kory and Konner but he chose to sit next to me.

"Thanks, I was not going to be able to sit down there and actually enjoy the movie" " I get, that's why I got here first, you can never trust one of them to not take your seat" I reply which earns a playful "hey" from Gar and causes Dick to smile.

We start the movie after that, everyone gets comfortable and entranced into the movie as the opening sequence begins but instead of just reading the words Gar starts to them allowed in a funny voice that you can't help but laugh at. Rachel gets him to quiet down after a few jabs to ribs with elbow.

Everyone is quiet after the movie has been playing for a little bit, and this time I don't have to hear Kory and Dick laughing to eachother the entire time which feels nice. Although I still have to listen to myself repeat the words and the fluttering heart beat that hasn't slowed since Dick sat.

When Han and Leia begin to argue I have to hold myself back from whispering the scene, I did begin to do it without realizing and it earn a glance from Dick which made me stop immediately, but he leaned down to whisper in my ear the line Han said next "afraid i was gonna leave without a goodbye kiss?" . I swear if I hadn't been blushing already I was turned into a tomato right in that moment. I had to shake myself back into reality, but it didn't stop the smiled that appeared on my face.

I decided that instead of him doing it to me first again I was going to, I waited until Han and Leia were in the millennium falcon to say Leias line quiet enough in his ear "when you aren't acting like a scoundrel" and he didn't waste a second to repeat Hans line to me and we went back and forth, but when he got to last line he only looked down at my lips but never made a move. In a more hushed voice than the other lines he says " you like me cause I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in your life" breaking the entranced look on his face to meet my eyes and we don't move. The sound of the movie eventually snaps our attention back to it, but this time Dick doesn't just go back to sitting normal he puts his arm around me pulling me closer to him.

I've seen him put his arm around Kory multiple times when we watch movies, but this feels different. He's never pulled her close into him like this. I don't let myself over think it to much as I focus back into the movie taking one last look at him before I lay my head on shoulder. I feel a slight jump from him as if he's shocked I actually did it.

None of the others around us have said anything to us either they don't care or they haven't heard us.

We settle back down and continue the movie not saying another line to eachother until the end when he decides to grab my hand. I look up at him to see if he's waiting for my response but his gaze is on the tv. So I turn my head back and squeeze his hand in response

It's the Carbonite scene, it always crushes my heart but also makes me smile widely. Playing with Dicks fingers the scene begins to escalate when Chewie starts to fight the stroom troopers. I know this scene inside and out and I know that if I repeat the line I so desperately want to it will be towards the man holding in his arms.

I can't even catch myself before I say Leias line as she does " I love you", I don't expect any remarks from him but I hear the two little words said back to me everything around me feels to have stopped.

"I know".

This time it's my turn to be shocked, Dick has turned his head towards me eyes looking down at lips and back up to my eyes doing that a couple more times before we both move in at the same time and finally kiss. I thought that when he said Hans line that the room stopped moving but with the way his soft lips are moving against mime I definitely have to say I am on cloud 9.

We break apart after a minute to reclaim oxygen and to look at eachother, but what we don't realize is the yells and "finally's" that come from everyone.

" I've been wanting to do that for a while" Dick states, "me too" I say moving to hide my face into his neck so I don't have to face the others, especially Rachel.

Dick laughs and wraps his arms around me. The others finally go back to the movie but I can't I finally got what I have wanted for so long and now I know he wanted me too.

I hear one final whisper from him as he holds me "I love you princess".

" I love you too scoundrel".

Just read “Your A Mean One…” good god so well written I loved it so hard and I’m inspired. Do you happen to have any thoughts on writing longer fics? Do you outline? I’m drowning some in about a zillion words and thinking through how best to move forward. No prob if not. Highest fives for your work!!!!

omg hi there!!

ajsdhaskd i dont know what else to say other than THANK YOU?? ;; i had to take a two week break from that fic originally because i had trouble characterizing gojo's character for the longest time and that fic is also my first gojo fic too ;;

omg hm my writing advice when it comes to long fics is honestly dont pay attention to the word count and let your ideas go?? before tumblr i used to read all my fics on ao3 and most ao3 works i would read would contain 10k+ words a chapter haha recently i've gotten into a headspace where im like "i have to add more scenes before this happens" which might not be helpful to some but idk sometimes i end up rambling and idk if the scenes i did add were helpful in anyway haha... ;; i personally love having more silly character interactions in my works tho

usually when i write out long fics i separate the scenes by chunks and i dont write the fics in one long go, if you know what i mean? if i get stuck on the intro, i just work on a different part, and then by the end i tie them all together somehow?

i used to outline but then when it came to actually writing it ... suddenly the outline disappears and characters are off in their own world!! i just pray to Buddha that the ending kinda makes sense to the readers ;;

but again none of this wouldn't had happened if i didnt have a patient and kind beta reader hehe (i love u @popponn <3) and i dont think of myself as a good writer in any means because i look back to my earlier works and i wanna burn everything to the ground...... im still kinda experimenting with what writing style works for me bc now i focus more on character's internal thoughts and feelings but i suck at describing their surroundings and action sequences ;;;;

omg sorry this turned out to be a ramble but umm hopefully i answer your question? THANKS FOR READING THE FIC THO MWAH <3

Oh tell me about your current favourite food :3? Am curious. Mine is a mexican style chicken sandwich I had a few weeks ago. Am a very very bad picky eater (on bad days I go with one meal per day cause I don’t feel like it). But this sandwich was a blessing. It was moist, creamy, had bread, wasn’t too spicy but still had flavour, it had veggies too. But it is on the other side of munich (capital of bavaria, so it’s very big) but I almost cried eating it. It was insane. :3 Before it was a special lasagna my sibling makes (they went out of their way to search a recipe that didn’t had the things I disliked but still would taste like lasagna (sometimes I don’t deserve my sibling, they are my favourite human)

Sorry about the length of this. :3

This was a blessing to read (I wish I had such an experience with food too 🥲)

The only similar experience that comes to mind was last friday at summer camp

So I have been trying not to eat any sweets, snacks and cakes since february (it was the easiest way I could figure to lose weight that I needed to if wanting to meet the gender clinic's criteria for getting top op even tho I am at least one and a half year away of even getting offered one). At first it was a struggle but over time the few times I gave in (at special occassions) the sweets actually didnt taste good to me anymore so it seemed less and less of a loss to me.

Well for summer camp I had given myself permission to eat cake for the two party dinners that happened at the fridays. The second week we got this cake with pink aniscoated sugar on top and homemade vanilla ice at the top. And the sheer taste of it filled my every sense with pleasure. It was moist, compact and tasted slighty of licourice (which is one of my favourite flavours) and I was on cloud 9. It probably helped that I had succesfully introcuded käärijä to the summer camp through having performed my cover of cha cha cha so I was already close to said cloud 9 but wow that cake was just was I needed

So getting home to my mom's house after summer camp where there is temptations (candy) everywhere was even harder now I actually got my taste for sweets back 😅 I am glad to inform I only gave in once when I ate a 100g bag of chips 😆 and now I am going home to my own house with nothing to eat anywhere anyways (need to buy groceries) I hopefully will fall back into not eating sweets again - who knows maybe the summer camp deserts will taste just as great next year then if I have kept from eating sweets more or less for a year at that point 😆

Thank you for the ask Jay it was nice to rant about a random food experience after reading yours 💚💚

Director's Cut Commentary: Ch. 6 i buried my ballast, i made my peace

Obviously this is slightly different from the ben folds storyline on the show in that I made it a) more gradual (starts off with the piano and then eventually ben shows himself) and b) leah not being scared of it as much which i guess is kind of something we could debate about like maybe she really should be scared, but I liked the idea of her willingly facing it.

I had a surprising amount of fun with the Ben Folds stuff. I guess from a writing perspective, having a hallucination/projection of your main character's own mind makes it a little easier to portray their inner thoughts, because the inner thoughts become outer thoughts. like, say leah is conflicted about whether she wants to return to the island or stay out on the rock. normally that would just be a paragraph of her going back and forth thinking "hmm well i could do X" "oh but i could do Y" "hmmm what to do what to do." but since she's hallucinating she can actually have that debate "out loud", which is definitely more fun to write (and hopefully more fun to read!)

i decided to do away with the whole thing where she sees herself in the dress she wore to meet up with jeff, and floats in the wreckage surrounded by his books, because in *my* cinematic universe she has actually moved on from jeff at this point so imo it doesnt make sense for her to regress like that (plus, ugh, i hate jeff). i think that was supposed to represent "temptation", right, like her being tempted to just go back to something easy/familiar instead of taking the plunge and going back to her friends and the island. but i think that the idea of staying in fantasyland where she can control everything is "temptation" enough for it to still work, even without the jeff factor.

Barnacles are no joke, guys...i jumped off a dock (for fun) when i was a teenager and had to climb back up and got barnacle scrapes all over myself. Also razor clams, those fuckers will slice your foot right open, the girls are so lucky they didnt encounter any lol

leah thinking "what will be ~the big moment~ today?" kinda made me laugh...i was just having fun making her *almost* "aware of the narrative" hahahha leah knows its the final episode of the season....

fav line: omg i forgot to pick one...idk honestly i know this one's from the show so maybe it's cheating but i really like "its a dead-end place where no one believes me"

Pokemon Legends Arceus: Peeking at Postgame

There's gotta be a plot. There's gotta be. Also I feel like running off into the wild and not coming back, tonight, so I might as well live vicariously through Eiko for a bit!

Also I still have my mission from God.

y'know, the seek all pokemon thing. i have a dex to complete!

i have mostly not been reading the dex as i go so if and when completion should happen i will do a reaction thingy. maybe a video? we shall see!

anyway we can get at least a few hours in before bedtime (i have to be at work at 9 am on sundays. this does not sound awful, except consider i never need to be there before noon on any other day of the week)

yeah let's battle the secret weapon person that can't go wrong

where the fuck we goin

dude's a generic model and he's supposed to be tough????

palkia is somehow the best i have on my team to deaal with shinx?

why the fuck ARE his first stage early route pokemon this tough

he downed my Typhlosion and nearly got a God!

oh right i beat the game probaably everyone says new shit

oop this sidequest has a cutscene

volo how do you just keep turning up

oh that logo is for the main quest

thought i'd have to go to the big bossman for that

oh sweet my guy is just GIVING me oshawott and rowlet

lol i managed to just edge up to the next rank

beni says he did wht he came to do and planns to move somewhere with a "more agreeable climate"

sir???? are you and kamado not boyfriends?????

doodedoo talking to all the gajillion npcs

who dis

he dont got a naame

doctor? doctor who????

shizu asks where pokemon come from and i immediately start singinng

FROM THE EARTH, THE LAND, THE SEA, AND SKY, YOU CAN NEVER WIN BUT YOU SURE CAN TRY!!!

ohfuck prelude beach is the route to canalave aint it, that didnt click til now

"your pokemon are the ones taking care of you" this just in eiko is shit at remembering her basic human needs

which makes sense honestly

god there's soooo many npcs and so many places they can be hiding

okay that's everyone in jubilife i think....sidequest hell now

or at least househunting for chimecho hell

yeah i figured in the end it'd be chimecho stays with ida

okay there's villagers i have not tracked down who i have quests concerning, we'll figure that out later

fieldlands! let's do some shit here

oh this lady is the shaymin quest

oooh mai has a request too!

y u bein so spooky tho

my guy cut flowers filling a garden is NOT how that works

k lessee what's up with munchlax

zorua!

let's explore this distortion it's been a while since we did that

okay battling

aaaaa trying to catch two out of the three pokemon i'm battling

NOPE

clover spotted!!!

clover you didn't sneak up on me....

braviary and sneasler really make it easier to get the wisps

ohmigosh the munchlax

lol

now oreburrow tunnel, then volo ig

don't like how we framed volo for the namedrop

he wants to gather the plates. im sus.

i have ten plates....need eight

hey alpha infernape you wanna leave me the fuck alone so i can dig up treasure ok thankssssss

holy shit how many old verses are there

i have 3 and 17

about halfway through the absurd leek request....

mmkay volo what do you got for me

(fuckin hell this game and its beautiful music)

why did a fuckin vespiquen have the stone plate

found the flower field!

caught several buizel, hopefully one of them will be big enough for the quest

5 more wisps in the fieldlands....

god where tf are they

only like 20 more leeks to get too

continuing to catch every buizel i see

oh hey theres coin!

meh

bam, 100 leeks! ....might look up the wisps, i've been looking everywhere

okay i apparently really have looked everywhere bc i just used a goddamn map and checked every spot and the wisps aren't there, i still have five left

right im sick of searching so we'll just mark where they SHOULD be on our map and be on our way

get oshawott's research level up to 10, annnnd...evolve!

we are gonna go back to jubilife and end off here after we nab some quest rewards

dammit NONE of my buizel are big enough

alright peselle you needy witch here's your goddamned leeks

and all she gave me was some mint. i don't have much need for mint???? i don't think????

okay massive mass outbreaks unlocked i think

or at least more quests

calling it here tonight!

btw i didnt realize how funny this was until i started working on it but i do want to share because the concept is insane and one of the weirdest things ive ever done that i think would be some shit a psychologist would have a field day with. so when i kill myself (because thats 100% gonna be how ill die theres not even any debate in my mind atp and ive been hyperfixated on killing myself recently. yes my hyperfixation rn is suicide and i cant concentrate on anything else. very serious im so serious about this. not kidding. either that or ill die by falling somewhere like in the shower bc my knees have been degenerating bc of genetic reasons and i have terrible balance) im gonna post an entire character assassination document on myself listing off every reason why you shouldnt feel bad for me and everything ive done wrong in college APA format (at least everything ive done wrong that i know of and feel free to mention if im missing something after i post it. not that ill be able to edit it though sorry /silly) so people will finally fucking get why ive come to the (Objectively Correct) conclusion that i shouldnt exist due to me only getting worse and less valuable with age like some kind of reverse wine or cheese.

it is a provable math equation. ive written it. im formatting this like its a product pitch to rich investors. it will be an absolutely ironclad essay with zero rebuttal and it will be awesome and hopefully the only of its kind /hj

i literally planned to make an entire spreadsheet accompanying it to keep everyone from pitying me or thinking my suicide note is a pity ploy im deadass. i didnt realize how ridiculous this idea was until i started on the outline earlier and i suddenly gained more awareness of what i was doing. i am voluntarily putting more effort into an essay on why i suck than i ever put into anything else in my entire life and if that isnt a perfect representation of every reason why i shouldnt be here.

im gonna be the first guy ever to do a character assassination on himself if i die just so people wont mourn me or treat it like some great tragedy even for a second out of a weird sense of obligation to my family or the fact that i was a trans sibling of theirs or whatever. i am going to make sure that people read that document and are like "wow this guy had a few issues i fucking hate this guy im glad hes dead. anyway rip bozo lmaooo. even if this guy wasnt trans he for sure wouldve killed himself and good on him for doing so"

i wouldnt have it any other way either i genuinely hope people meme the shit out of me dying because my entire life up until this point has been me internalizing a caricature of every bad trait people have told me i had until i dont enjoy anything on my own and cease to be a standalone person when i dont have external validation constantly feeding me good things to overshadow the bad stuff ive internalized. im very plainly and transparently a fake caricature of a toxic person thats hollow on the inside and nothing else so its only fair that people get to make fun of those traits when im dead too.

being able to lay out the extremely stupid and meandering reasons why ive developed this way (looking back most of them are 100% my fault also) is going to look like some kind of bogus alchemy. i literally purposely made myself mentally ill when i was 10 or 11 because of septiplier and sanscest lemon fanfic. consciously and intentionally. you cant tell me that fact alone isnt hilarious. thats gold who even does that. thats satire thats not a real person who exists and yet i do exist right here in this desk chair (which is why i shouldnt exist /lh)

this is really a dark subject matter but i genuinely believe this document is gonna be really funny okay. theres already so much good copypasta material here. i for real do not believe there is anyone on earth who has developed in quite this weird fucking way thats has whatever kind of "im too self aware and accepting of my own flaws to function as a real person" disorder that i have and i want to leave something of that behind so whatever is wrong with me wont be lost.

all of this to say, just know if i die you have something to look forward to at least because i wish i could be there to see if anyone actually reads it when it drops and im not even DONE yet. the one thing im really good at is dramatic displays of suicidality and internalizing every word anyones ever said to me/about me apparently like thats the only thing thats stayed consistent throughout everything im writing in this silly little word document.

drapes myself over a fainting couch. woe is me. the most earnest art ive made in years is about how im unable to produced anything worthwhile. the irony is palpable and beautiful. wish i could put this energy into Literally Anything Else but alas that is the point of the essay

Afterword

The Girl Upstairs

first of all, thank you so much for reading! onto the real issue here. i chose a very sensitive, if you will, topic to write about. mental health, and battling mental health, and suicide. it sends a strong, negative message to have the mc, struggling with mental health, commit suicide at the end of the story, doesnt it? i realized this when i was already 11 chapters in and it was too late to go back on my plans. not like i had wanted to go back on my plans. im not here to preach anything and by no means do i intend the message of this fanfiction to be "go ahead, kill yourselves." mental health is an incredibly tough battle against something you cant even see. i made sure to not give the mc's condition a label. i didnt want to shrug it off as "she's depressed" or any other existent disorders. the only actual thing i gave her was these "episodes" in which she "loses herself" and everything becomes blurry and confusing and scary. i did base those off my own anxiety attacks, but its not to say the mc's got anxiety. whether i did this for more relatability or just to avoid giving explanations, i dont know. keep in mind i was still figuring some things out a month after publishing. to anyone out there struggling with a mental illness, dont let this story written by a high-schooler influence your decisions or give you any ideas. the only reason the character i created committed suicide was because i deliberately built her in a way in which she believed suicide was the way to go. but everyone reading this is not a character; you are all real people, with real life struggles. you do you. there was a lot of stuff around me telling me not to kill the mc. i saw posts saying stuff like "make your character go through shit and then reward them" and more like that. everything i saw, i interpreted as a message yelling at me that i shouldnt make the mc commit suicide. but it didnt seem fitting to me, i didnt want to censor something like this. the character i created was stubborn and dead set on her ideals and beliefs. she lied to "protect others" until the very end. she kept most things to herself while still being open about wanting to die. sure, maybe i couldve had akaashi barge in seconds before she hanged herself to stop her, cause i did think about that. but that didnt make sense. akaashi trusted she would be fine on her own, and she was. just that their definitions of "fine" differed a bit. i think this is everything i wanted to say. i wanted to justify why i went with such a bold decision and hopefully it makes sense. it's fine if it doesnt, i dont really need to justify anything anyway.

25/09/23

i might upload 2 today bc i have a lot, not from today just in general, so much so that i wrote it down. i had science first, turns out the school wanted every teacher for their first class to show their classes the new one way system because they felt it was clogged up. its really fucking stupid and we were supposed to follow it as soon as we left first class.. spoiler alert no one did, absolutely no one, i didnt see any teachers not following but no students are. I feel like using that system its only a matter of time before a 1st year gets hit by a car, your supposed to go outside to get to some classes that would have only been a few metres away now, and the way you go sometimes has cars on it, i seen one going pretty fast just a minute after class started.

i had irish after science and turns out that irish hw i was doing wasnt even the hw, and i had already done the hw a week ago, omg i just cant but it was a-ok. after that was maths, everyone was in for once so there wasnt enough seats for everyone, hopefully 4k4 and his other friend 5k5 dont steal my seat, i worked my ass off for that. a student who came 2 weeks ago, nickname -bluebird, is just annoying, its not that shes done anything wrong its that shes a complete loner, wont talk to anyone, not like ive tried but more in the sense, you wont hear even a squeak. in business she doesnt take down notes, in maths she doesnt do questions (not that i can say much) and in french she doesnt even know ça va and wont do her french hw. so yeah plain infuriating. i did my english hw wrong after i spent an hour carefully constructing only a third of my answer for an hour last night. my friends went to the shop but i didnt bc i wanted to stay in the cspe classroom and eat my lunch and maybe also read trollhunter fanfics, hard enough to find good ones involving a very cute and fluffy relationship between jim and walter. anyways we had to have a fake election in cspe, to try out ballot box voting, in first year for student council i tied with another girl for top votes. guess how many i got this time? yeah thats right a solid one, thinking about it makes me sad, does no one like me anymore??? but i laughed at the time even tho every1 looked back at me, it felt really dehumanising, the only way i deal with bad situations is by laughing and joking, and that situation made me feel a little shit.

made me also feel real great when aprciot turned back at me and said i put you 5, its like he constantly tries to talk to me and be my friend and when i ignore him he gets mad, its not great that i was standing beside granite today and apricot started pushing granite and while he did that his hand touched my tit. great. made me feel just great, it wasnt on purpose he wouldnt even try.. well he did say consent didnt matter today if it was me. he was obvi joking but considering he tried to sa someone before and this day a year ago, "mango" his friend and apples friend sent diorite a voice message saying apricot said he was gonna do a thing to her. idk im sorry i feel uncomfortable typing out the word rape. but yeah thats what he said apparently. doesnt make it better he could walk to her house and he knows where that is. but unfortunately it is what it is no matter how cruel it can be.

anyways, after cspe i fucking raced through the classroom to get to another because it had a door to the outside which was closer to the door to the other outside door to get to or religion classroom, we had a proper sound sub, she was rly nice and i thought she was a bitch because of her hairstyle but she really wasnt, AND I GOT MY FAVOURITE SEAT!!!! mission acomplished, my friend was happy bc i always run to get good seats and i actually did unlike last time where some people were unfortunately quicker.

idk if i mentioned this but i learned about shifting maybe early 2021 and it didnt really go anywhere, id tell you where i have planned out for me to go but it would be embarassing, i have one for the embarassing one and one for a library, filled with extensive knowledge and characters from shows i watch. anyways my body felt like it was floating last night, just like my first shifting attempt nearly 2 years ago now, i nearly did it but i chickened out, opened my eyes and couldnt ever do it again or get those symptoms. when i woke up at 4 in the morning i was half stuck in a dream, and was trying to do my tasks to meet my goal, i dont even remember what my tasks or goal was.

i skimmed the entirety of sex education, it was my first time watching it, it was pretty good, i really liked ruby she was definitely my favourite i also really loved roman but cmon ruby, she was so good also aimee. i redownloaded farmville2 so its time to relive my farmer life whoop whoop. ill do another blog post later. anyways goodbye have a good morning, good day and good night

got a self help book for narcissism lol. its pretty good actly. did the tests inside, got a score thats just a bit over the "woopsie ur a narc" boundary. Feel ok about it tho. Met a woman during a bender a while ago and was talking to her about it all. She was significantly worse than me. Going through the questionnaires made me realise which aspects of it are issues and which ones arent. Theres a lot of overlap with autism and addiction. After the questionnaires it goes straight into talking about childhood emotional neglect which was kinda mind blowing. Feels validating

I feel less like its the end of the world now. I know that I'm not inherently a bad person, its just gonna be more difficult for me to be a kind person than it might be for other people. Its nice to see what things I need to learn how to manage, and that it could be way WAYYYY worse. It feels good to be able to undertand myself. Its like I need to put a lot more effort into securing and regulating my self esteem. Like eating properly, or sleeping well, I gotta try to manage that, and then itll be easier to be nice to people and not want to die

being a narc doesnt really change anything. I always had these issues. Like getting the label just means I understand why, and its not all the end of the world. I can be more sensible about myself now and hopefully make less chaos.

the book said that like. when youre a child you make these barriers to block of emotions, and thats why you cant have compassion for yourself as an adult, or for anyone else. You find it really hard to empathise because those parts are locked away, but theyre still there and you can get back in contact with them, it just takes loads of work and is really painful. Which is neat tbh

I've felt like I only have 75% of a soul for a long time. Its nice to think that I'm still a whole person inside, its just that parts are locked away. When I was reading the emotional neglect stuff, bits of memories were coming back. It was weird to notice that a tiny part of me felt an impulse to cry over it, but it was really easy to quash. It was like there was a placeholder emotion there. There was an emotion, like a subdued tension, but it wasn't uncomfortable. It was like actually feeling the wall.. kind of like "oh yeah I have feelings about this but I'm actually genuinely not feeling them right now" like I didnt have to. It wasnt hard or anything. It wasn't really numb either. Just muted. placeholder

So yeah I've definitely got some narcissistic pathology that gets in the way of being functional, but it could be WAYYYYY worse. Its nice to feel like its not my fault for once? idk if that makes any sense. Its nice to understand that I might never get to be happy, but I can maybe find moments of peace. Its unrealistic to be able to live the life I want to, or to ever be satisfied, but I can get better at regulating and be a nicer person, and then existing might not be so painful

I think its going to be a long road of practising listening and gratitude and keeping things simple. None of those come naturally to me AT ALL. and then maybe it'll be possible to not have to always use myself as a map to understand the rest of the world or other people. Or to not always have to see myself through a lens of success and failure. If that's all that I know how to do, and I use myself as a map, then it makes sense why I'm like this . but mb it wont always have to be this way

2/25/2023

So this is probably an awful idea. But when you were getting married and then having your honeymoon, i wrote letters to you. that i didnt send to you. i think i only had 3 or 4 days worth of them. But I have no clue when i will ever speak to you again. And like, speak speak. Not some short text. I'm very torn on everything. my heart, is shattered. truly. But you know. At least I have to think you know. Maybe you have like, been able to trick yourself into thinking i never cared. or idk. i just dont know Courtney. I am sorry that i felt this was planned. you did admit it was, after comparing me to Chad first of course. But planned in that, yo. i cant take this. its fair and justified. Maybe the Chad comparison was fair too. idfk. It also makes me hate myself more than I ever thought I could. i have been crying so much today that i have no concept of time. I am glad that at least you have had a wonderful Saturday. Out of town with a friend. Seeing a hopefully enjoyable movie. I was left to morn my dead Dad and now the most important relationship ive ever had. idk if youll ever read or see any of these. And christ i dont want to come off bitter or angry. or anything. I know that i hurt you already. fuck. i hurt you so much that you were like, peace dude. im just, shocked? i dont get how we are video chatting and opening gifts and i bought a hotel for us. To meet up in a crazy thing where I had no plan as to HOW things were gonna work. But my love and need to see you bypassed any real worries. It's crazy how this relationship brought that out of me. I think looking back at things, I was still a bit of a stick in the mud comparably. But you definitely brought something out of me that was crazy and off the cuff. I liked it. I wish i could save things. I wish this was like that early time when you broke things off and then like 2 days later came back and said you couldnt be without me. I'm not religious but I am hoping there are some sort of synchronicities or coincidences that send you back to me. I didnt expect you to not break up with me just because it was my dead father''s birthday. That would be manipulative. You broke up with me just the other day and I cant even tell you WHY. I remember alot of you telling me how YOU had negatively effected my life. And i deserved better and whatever. But i just wanted you. I told my mom that I have never loved someone like i loved you, and I never will again. I didnt know I was capable of love like this. I wont ever find it again. This message sucks cause its all over the place and im not making much sense or keeping a consistent tone. the barbed comments I would make. Back handed shit. god, they are all i can fucking think about. I cant imagine how differently things wouldve been if you hadnt immediately started having sex with new people. my brain just cant Courtney. How can you love me, want a future with me, want children, a home. But then as soon as you are single, its not me. Its not me at all. It's someone else. It really fucked with my head. And honestly, i just think I am a square. I have never hooked up with anyone in my life. I have only had sex with people I had relationships with. And the concept of sex outside of that is not only unappealing to me, but kind of grosses me out. Thats for me. I get people are into their own things and I dont judge. But being faced by someone who can say all this lovey dovey bs to me, and go fuck another man. And theres no connection? its just sex? whats the big deal? well, thats where my brain goes insane. I've never felt good enough or worthy of you. And for you to immediately shack up with someone NOT me while saying different things to me, it really fed into that insecurity. But thats me right? its MY insecurity. So who would you be to respect or acknowledge that. You are a young single woman who can finally go out and experiment and find yourself. Neither me or anyone else should stand in your way of that. But god dammit did it break my heart. And your ability to seemingly never think of me and my feelings just solidified mentally that i was not good enough. i was not worthy. and maybe worst of all, I was not your first choice. i lashed out with my words. my tone. things i said. how i said that. ugh. i wish...i wish i couldve just been your supportive friend. YASSS QUEEN! GO EAT SOME PUSSY! there are moments when i can be cool. But the uncool version of me surfaced his ugly head far more often as more of your experimentation took off. It just blows because, this only got bad once this started. Prior to that, i feel like things were wonderful. But i am probably sugarcoating things post mortem. i regret ever telling you i had bipolar disorder. i regret ever telling you about my anxiety disorder. Because in breaking up with me, they were both brought up. Negative is negative though. Just sucks feeling like you arent good enough from the get go and then being made to feel like you are broken and needing fixing. I dont know alot of people who would be okay with the love of their life fucking other people. Especially when that same person has told you they want you over anyone. But then when you try to plan a future together, those conversations go nowhere. So idk. Too much too soon I guess. I know that no matter what negative things i may think of the situation, I know I am at fault. I couldnt handle the pressure of being with a poly person. And I especially couldnt handle it when it seemed like the plans to experiment and have sex with other people superseded our plans that we talked about of a future together. But as i said, I know i am wrong. I am the villain. I think of some of the things i said to you in the days following you telling me Andi was coming there to get a hotel so you 2 could fuck. And christ. my tone. the meanness. i know i can change. i know it. maybe you'll change too? But maybe some of your negative qualities will change in your period of experimenting. who knows? all i know is each hour that passes and I cant talk to you breaks my soul. as much as I am sure you would prefer me checking my insurance to see if i could get therapy and medicated, i am afraid i am looking into seeing if it will cover me committing myself. Because I am genuinely unsure how i can go on. All i can think about is taking a bunch of Ativan and walking out into the woods and falling asleep and never waking up. Which in my present state I can realize is not good. The issue is, between the hotel i JUST bought us Thursday, and the hotel I bought us for your visit here in April, that's over $900 i charged that's non refundable. If I commit myself, I will lose my job. Outside of hotel money, i am just in debt in general too. So i feel so fucking stuck. None of this matters though. I just want you back. I don't care about money. I don't care about who else you have sex with. i just want my angel back. i can and will change. And I am TERRIFIED because per you,  you are a serial monogamous relationship person. I want to change so you will love me again. I want to change so you can feel comfortable with your heart with me. But what if it takes to long? And you're already on to the next one? idfk. But my soul is crushed and i feel like giving up. I'm back to where I was before we met. The difference is now i have the pain and grief of losing my cosmic lover. My partner the universe brought into my life. How does one cope with such a loss? How does one live knowing they lost a love that was unlike anything they've ever experienced. I don't know. i do not want to live a life without you in it. 

🎅 oh, i cant believe santa forgot to tell you their favorite yes album

you noticed how much i like the buggles so the answer is pretty much as clear as it can get.

its ....

magnification!

just joshing. i havent gotten to that one yet. hopefully will though.

relayer, drama and 90125 are the ones i like the most. relayer because soon is a tearjerker for me and i love that. drama because i didnt already listen to the buggle guys enough and 90125 has some great ones on it. first i thought our song was a love song but then i read the lyrics.

fun drama fact(i dont know if you know this already. sharing it anyway)! white car might be referencing gary numan, as he at one point owned a car(that was white) and that made him the man(in a white car). fun drama fact: its criminal that white car is not longer.

i have a few vinyls, most are passed down from my grandmother though and theyre classical/opera. one the yes album vinyl, a 90125 cd, and a tally hall vinyl thats been lounging around my house for about a year now. i am going to procure for myself a lot more of these funny little pvc discs because it feels nice to collect them.

listened to rare bird's somebody's watching and can confidently say i like that one more than the self titled! thank you for recommending, very cool. huge synthesizers fan, i am.

man, these keep getting longer and longer. im afraid tumblr will no longer be able to contain the magnitude of me being your secret santa. lets hope it holds on.

do you like king crimson? what do you think of them?

Ohhh yes, keep 'em as long as your heart wants, I love it ;)

I've heard the white car story, but I'm glad you shared it ♡ I didn't like 80s Yes the first time I listened to it (I only liked Owner Of A Lonely Heart, which I I've known since I was a kid), but then it really grew on me and now I love it.

That's so cool that you have The Yes Album on vinyl! I don't own any of their records, but it's ok, I have others which I treasure.

I'm glad you liked Somebody's Watching :) Unfortunately Rare Bird didn't release many albums (only 5), but on the bright side I like all of them. If you're wondering which one to listen to next, I'd recommend Epic Forest, it's my second favorite.

I do like King Crimson! I think they sound a little crazy and it makes them awesome. Oh I have a little funny story about them: when I was getting to know prog rock, I searched King Crimson on tumblr and, if I'm not mistaken, that's how I found out about the relation between JoJo and classic rock. I even watched some episodes because I thought it would be fun to see all the references, but then I ended up forgetting about it… A lot of people say that King Crimson's power on the anime doesn't make any sense at all and I find it hilarious! Btw this character is, in my honest opinion, hilariously ugly, please check it out if you haven't already, I bet you won't regret it! Now back to the band, Red is my favorite album of theirs. What about you, what do you think of them?

the worst case scenario 2

i did decide to make this a little parter thing, but really want to be as sensitive as poss (honestly using this as a sort of therapy for what I see myself ah). So please   do not read if anything in the warnings may trigger. I very much am not trying to ‘romanticise’ these sorts of situations in any way but also be aware medically this is NOT accurate.This part is short but I think there will be more.

warnings: hospital - ICU, respirators / mention of death , maternal mortality / talk of family dynamics and abandonment of a child

[previous part]

The sight Nikki walked into is something that as a parent you never want to see. Walking into this cold and otherwise empty ‘relatives room’ to see her son collapsed in a world of pain onto his best mates chest. Tom was too busy sobbing to even notice her entrance but her and  Harrison instantly locked eyes . Not even able to muster up a greeting smile, Harrison just nodded her in, admitting her entrance to the most horrific situation. 

It was about half an hour since she had been texting Haz, arranging when they’d be able to come and visit the newborn in hospital or whether it would be better to just wait till the new family got settled back at home, when Nikki had got a call from Tom’s number. With an excited grin she had instantly whipped her phone off the kitchen counter within one ring- a facial expression that didn’t last long at all. 

Met with the distant sound of crying first, Harrison’s deeper voice then emitted itself from her phones speaker, alerting her to the fact everything was very not right. He’d asked her to come to the hospital, said it was Y/n, that the baby was fine and then hung up. Dom immediately agreed to come with her but right now he was still parking the car, having dropped Nikki off right at the front. It had sounded that bad. 

Now, she knelt down infront of Haz and Tom, the latter who still was leaning over the arm rest and currently silently crying into his friends chest. Haz didn’t miss Nikki’s hands shaking as she reached out and rubbed up and down her sons back, the action prompting him to suddenly lean up to face her. He was broken. Totally and completely broken. Wordlessly, Nikki looked up for a second, communicating with Harrison so as if rehearsed he stood up and Nikki took his place in the chair - giving him a break from being Tom’s support. Beyond appreciative of how well Nikki could read a situation, Haz quietly but still in a hurried fashion made his way to the door. 

Because he was about to crack too - Tom couldn’t see him like that, not right now at least. And so his legs, completely of their own volition, carried him down the hallways. He had absolutely no idea what time it was, all sense of time passing had completely been thrown off earlier in the morning. He was oblivious to a lot, very much in his own thoughts and only realised where he had ended up when a nurse he vaguely recognised managed to garner his attention. 

“You’re here for baby Holland? She’s just round here.”

“I-“ He couldn’t respond but the nurse just nodded and then started off down the hallway, practically forcing the blonde to follow a couple of meters till they got to a perspex viewing window. 

“She’s the little cutie in the far corner over there.” The brunette middle aged lady softly spoke as she pointed through the glass to the incubator in the corner. “ Don’t worry about all the equipment, the doctors already come round and cleared her. She’s good to go home when you guys are…are ready.” Her words had trailed off, Harrison guessed she didn’t know how to phrase the current ‘situation’ Tom and Y/n were in either. After a couple of moments, the nurse placed a gentle hand on Harrison’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “You want to have a cuddle? I know your not dad but…”

“Yeh-yeh…please.” 

Harrison just felt awful. The little girl was barely hours into life and yet she wasn’t receiving nearly as much as love as she should be. Instead unnamed and alone in a cold and clinical setting. So he silently nodded away, taking in all the instructions the nurse gave as she sat him down in the arm chair next to the incubator. 

Once she placed the little blanket wrapped bundle in his arms the nurse smiled gently up at Haz “You want to feed her? I’m sure she’d prefer it from you than me love?” Ah. Now Haz really was stuck between a rock and a hard place. She’d never been given a feed before - except presumably the midwifes. 

“I-uh Y/n hasn’t even  so I probably shouldn’t…”

“I can promise you Miss Y/l/n would probably want her baby to be cared for by someone that loves her and that Miss Y/l/n trusts herself.” Ooof. How were nurses so intuitive? She literally read his mind and broken down all the ill-founded ideas Harrison had built up. 

“I’m not her Dad.”

“But you care.” Looking down once and briefly at the squished little face that wormed herself into Harrisons broad chest a little more, he then immediately nodded in agreement. Looking almost relieved, the nurse handed him a bottle and directed him as to how to hold it. After mere moments she gasped happily, leaning back whilst the blonde boy waited for her input. 

“She’s latched on easy peasy. You’re doing great, I can leave you to it if you want - I’ll only be round the corner.”

“Can you check if there’s any news on Y/n?” The kind lady nodded, before promptly exiting the room - leaving the two actually alone for the first time ever. 

He didn’t even think about it, whilst Haz cradled her in one arm and held the bottle up at the angle shown by the nurse, he quietly spoke to the little bundle. 

“I’m sorry you were lonely… your mum and dad love you lots and lots… we all do.” Not realising he was crying, Harrison almost scared himself when a single strangled and repressed sob escaped from his chest. “ You’re mum…. She’s a pain in the arse right?” Haz laughed a little wetly “ She’s sarky as hell and she always has an answer… you’d probably think she’s a badass… she is. And-and…. Your dad is just scared… He loves you I promise, he just… he’s worried about you mum.” Now there was actual tears welling up and overflowing his lower lash line, not matter how much he tried to blink them away. “But whatever… whatever happens. You got all of us kiddo… you got me.”

Jolted out of his thoughts by the ladies knuckles rapping twice on the door, Harrison immediately shook himself out of it, wiping his face on his arm to hopefully remove all the evidence of the slight emotional breakdown. 

“Mr Osterfield… the doctor wanted me to let you know he’s on his way to talk to Mr Holland.”

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Harrison managed to get back to Tom, Nikki and now Dom before Dr Webber returned, so with a greeting nod to Dom he too took a seat opposite Nikki and Tom. His best mate wasn’t crying anymore, which could be considered a positive were it not for the sinisterly empty look in his eye. He looked almost robotic, staring almost straight ahead at the light grey wall, sat straight and rigidly except for his one hand clasped in Nikki’s. 

“You went to see the baby?” Nikki broke the silence, making Harrison smile sadly over at her with a nod. It didn’t even look as though Tpm heard his mum speak, even if he was sat right next to her. “She’s okay?”

“Yeh…I gave her a bottle. She-she’s very cute.” Harrison could see Nikki’s face morph into one of kindness before she looked left toward her son. Nikki was still yet to see to unnamed girl but just thinking about her made her heart flutter. And then stop when she thought about what that little girl was already going through, barely hours into existence. 

“You hear that Tom? Maybe you could go down and see her soon? After we’ve spoken to the doctor?” Nikki was only trying to do the best thing, Harrison knew it and deep down Tom did know it too. But now really really wasn’t the time for some gently encouragement from his mother, it wasn’t just Tom being a little stubborn. This was his whole entire world falling apart around him. He didnt have the energy or focus to even shoot down his mother, instead Tom chose to stay completely still - engrossed in his own thoughts. 

From the outset, when you take that leap and say to a person ‘I think we should try for kids now’ you are completely putting yourself at the mercy of the other. But when they agree? Then it’s a commitment. Not it the same way marriage is - because that’s a completely selfish gesture, you get married because YOU want to be married to each other. Rather, agreeing to have a kid is a promise, a promise of something more. Promising that you are bringing this life into the world - and half of that life is yours. You create it together and it becomes a joint responsibility. You can never, no matter what people think, ever stop being a parent. At the end of it all there will be another person that knows, scientifically, it is half you. Even if they never met you - they still ‘knew’ you. They would know you had to exist, they would see things in themselves that cannot be explained rather than the influence of their creator. 

And sure, it didn’t always work out that way. A parent would up and leave, a child always with questions and a sense of betrayal. But that child… they know you. Because there is half of you in them. 

So it was Y/n and Tom together that was slumbering blissfully on a ward downstairs. That was the scary thing. Tom was so sure he didn’t have it in him. He  wouldn’t do this without her. He couldn’t be a dad to a baby without a mum. He couldn’t be a parent without Y/n. 

Almost thankfully for the atmosphere in the room, a soft know had them all snatching their heads up the very same grey slightly potato like doctor waddled in, this time followed by 2 others; a tall, dark haired woman with a soft and empathetic smile; then another man but this one tall and slender, unlike the other two who were wearing professional clothes, he was donned in scrubs (with the scrub hate too).

“Mr Holland and uh… family” Dr Webber awkwardly greeted the new arrivals of Nikki and Dom, somehow apparently sensing they were Tom’s and not Y/n’s parents who were hours away. Oh fuck, Tom hadn’t even phoned them yet. 

“This is Dr Alison Goodwell and then Dr Rohan Avinash, he is Y/n’s surgeon.” They filed in and took seats surrounding them, Dom and Harrison standing up to stand off to the side, not wanting to get in the way of the doctors. All Tom could do though was overanalyse everything. Why was the surgeon here? What was this other lady doing here? A  pathologist? — no, he wasn’t going to think like that. Then the taller and most scary looking of the three inched forward, commanding the attention of the whole room.

“Mr Holland, I just wanted to go over what happened. Ms Y/l/n developed plactental accreta, which was the cause of the what we call here a post partum haemorrhage. When you raised the alarm she had already lost, at best guess, 3 pints of blood which is a lot, there’s no denying. Dr Webber and his team quickly brought her up to my team in surgery. We transfused her with blood but we couldn’t stabilise her and the bleeding didn’t show any signs of stopping so we had to perform emergency surgery….” Dr Avinash slowed down as he took in how close Tom looked to bursting out in tears once again, offering him the chance to have a moment to collect himself. Vehemently shaking his head in refusal, Tom crung his hands together furiously. He just needed to know. “Okay… Now the nature of the surgery, because we had to be so quick…it is quite invasive and is a lot of stress to put on anyones body. That and the amount of blood she had already lost makes the situation very dangerous. Sometimes when this happens a persons heart-“ Tom’s breath halted in his throat at the mention of her heart, Harrison sharing the bleak trigger which made him shift uncomfortable between his two feet. “-notices this, it goes into what we call hypovoloemic shock, this just basically means its not getting enough volume of blood to pump properly. So we have had to stimulate Ms Y/l/n’s heart with electricity to keep it pumping-“

“You shocked her?” He felt so numb and now adrenalin was coursing through his own veins, images like you see on TV shows of her body arching up not he table from the volts of electricity.

“I’m afraid we did have to but it meant we could keep her stable enough to fix the bleed. I am sorry to say this but we’ve had to remove her whole womb because it was so damaged.”

“But Y/n?” Again Harrison lost all willpower of control, though to be fair he wasn’t sure if he was being impatient or not -  this doctor appeared to be delivering this news painfully slowly, as if to torture everyone as much as possible.

“Your fiancé lost a lot of blood and her body went through a lot” The towering doctor kept his focus on Tom the whole time, Harrison’s interjection seemingly falling on selectively deaf ears. “We’ve had to use a machine to control her breathing  and for the moment she is still in a very dangerous place. Right now she is stable but I don’t want to make any promises to you. We are nowhere close to out of the woods yet.” Seemingly, feeling compelled to add in, the brunette doctor spoke for the first time since entering.

“But it’s still one hurdle she has got through… Now that the surgeons are finished with Ms Y/l/n me and the other intensive care doctors will be keeping a very close eye on her okay? We are all going to be working with you and your family 24/7, to keep Y/n as comfortable as possible.” Her soft smile managed to somehow break through to Tom, who jerkily nodded while Nikki squeezed his hand tight. There had been a lot of that going on  today and even if Tom would say he wished nothing more that it was Y/n rather than his mums grip - he still appreciated it. The doctor continued, leaning forward so her elbows were resting on the tops of her thighs. “Right now she’s asleep and probably will be for quite a while. We first want to be sure she’s not in any pain, so she is sedated. Now assuming everything goes okay tonight and she stays stable we might want to think about possibly reducing that sedation, however for right now I hope you are all in agreement that we just want to make sure she’s comfortable?” The whole room nodded steadily in response which the doctor acknowledged with a satisfied smile. 

“And we are all aware this is a lot to take in so if you have any questions or think of any please just let us know - it’s important that you guys are all fully in the know… How is your daughter?” Dr Webber started off so well, Tom was almost going to smile thankfully at him, until he mentioned it. Instantly, the cold and empty look reappeared behind Tom’s eyes as the room was held in silence for long enough to be uncomfortable. To be fair, the doctor wasn’t to know that recently Tom had taken to refusing to acknowledge he even had a child. 

“I-she’s really good… the nurse there said she’s ready to leave whenever” Harrison had to show that at least someone was looking out for her, he couldn’t not. 

“Okay” sharing a knowing look with Harrison, Dr Webber pitifully clasped his hands together, before looking back to Tom. “Would you like Dr Alison take you up to see her, sir?” 

again pls let me know if anyone is very not okay with this, i can take it down and not write any more!