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stormblessed95 · 1 year

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who hugged me tightly

only you

who protected me

who only protected me

who held my hand

who held my hand tightly

who reached out to me

who held out his hand

To you who looked at me greatly

🔗 https://twitter.com/jaksal_5813/status/1639683901571620865?s=46&t=6h2FRfv41Qg9RyUk25oCZQ

Such a beautiful song. I hate that it's only on CD. JIMIN YOU SAID ITS FOR FANS, GIVE IT TO ME SO I CAN STREAM IT THEN PLEASE?!

youtube

Here is my original post over Letter too, that I'll stick by what I said there and just add onto it in this post for now too:

During his live stream for FACE, he breifly mentions Letter, which the trans for that is here

The way I'm side eyeing the heck out of the way JKs involvement in this song is being completely ignored by BOTH OF THEM. LOL don't gatekeep please. Share with us!

Honestly the fact that it's named letter because he sat down and wrote his feelings out into a letter and then roughly transformed that into lyrics for a song and it turned out so beautifully. It's because Jimin is a GENIUS and he emotes so sweetly and his EQ is insane and translates so well. And so him just pouring his emotions into paper would of course turn into such a softly stunning song like Letter. 😭 he repeated many times that he emphasized honesty in this album, including letter. And that comes off so sincerely every time you listen.

It's a fan song, yes. It's also... more in my opinion. Because things can be more than just one thing. It's also interesting that the majority of Letter lyric wise is written in a more formal tone/language and uses honorifics. But when the bridge hits, aka when JK joins in for the more heavy backing vocals, the lyrics drop the honorifics and use more informal language from what I've heard. And with the call and receive way the backing vocals answer Jimins main ones, it almost sounds like they are talking to each other there, rather than the fans. Jimin is always so formal and polite and kind when he speaks to us. And jikook often over do the formalities when they talk, or they drop them totally. Which is a consistent habit of theirs. So could the last part of the song be more for themselves? Maybe. Could it still just be for ARMY? Maybe. Could it be for both? Maybe. Regardless, Jimin said it's a song for the fans and JK made it very clear that everyone had always known that he is hyungs biggest fan

Letter IS a love letter. To multiple people I believe. JK being one of them. And I think it was a really really amazing and sweet way to end the album. Hidden in the ending of Like Crazy, after all the emotions and pain and hurt and confusion he went through over the last few years dealing with everything the world went through and they themselves adjusting to a new future.... things like having to quarantine alone for 2 weeks everytime they returned to Korea... getting covid and then having emergency surgery at the same time and having to recover in a quarantined hospital room alone. Facing the upcoming changes for the band in chapter 2 and the uncertainty that came with it. And more. Yet there is still this uplifting and positive emotion that we find ourselves in at the end. Letter feels like love and safety and that feeling of coming home after a really long hard day. It feels like peace. And I like to think that Jimin is expressing those emotions through that song. He finds peace, love and safety in the end. He feels the happiness of being home and embraced. He feels that love from ARMY. And with his choice to include JK in that song, it's like he is saying he feels that peace and love in Jungkook too. That's his home.

LMAO and I have to end with the way he scolded us for uploading Letter everywhere anyway lmfao so cutely. He literally wagged his finger at us!

But the way he said it he saw it ALL. Man if he typed letter in either English or Hangul into the search engine, half the videos that pop up are jikook edits to the song. I know he saw those! 🤣 HE KNOWS YALL, I KNOW HE KNOWS 😅

Anyways, amazing song. I shared it with my non army friends and they were also obsessed. Jimin sounds heavenly on it. I will never stop asking for an official streamable verison of this song. We waited so long for Promise. I'll wait for Letter too!

Editing super quickly to add this clip of Jimin singing a snippet of Letter live to an ARMY on the FaceTime fan meeting calls 😭😭😭

#jikook letter #JM letter #jikook #kookmin #Jimin FACE

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pennylanefics · 3 years

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Happy Together - Theo Raeken

a/n: omg this is my first theo fic ever!! i wrote this in like an hour and a half lol. also, this is based on a fic i read a looong time ago that i can’t remember who posted it or when it was posted.

•••

“Where is she!” Theo shouts, stumbling through the hallway. He finds the pack sitting in chairs. Scott and Malia stand defensively, wanting to know why he was here.

“You don’t need to know,” Malia spits. Theo steps back a bit, wondering why they were so hostile.

“Yes I do! She’s my girlfriend!”

“You don’t care about her,” Stiles buts in. Theo glares at the young wolf, his heart racing as he tries to calm down.

“Yes I do!” He repeats.

“She’s still out of it. Just sit, behave, and we’ll hear from the doctor soon,” Scott sighs, telling him. “Her room is right there.” Your boyfriend runs over to the small window and peers into your room. Tears immediately spring to his eyes and he keeps from sobbing out.

You laid in the bed, IVs hooked up to you, eyes closed. You looked at peace and calm, compared to what really happened to you.

An omega wolf attacked you while you were at the creek in the woods. You had enough energy to make it to the main road, and that’s when someone driving by spotted you and took you to the hospital.

It was a rare attack of a wolf during the day, which is what caught the pack’s attention.

Theo plops down in a chair furthest away from the pack, his knee bouncing up and down nervously. He kept his eyes on you through the window, waiting for the moment you awake and he can run into your room and take your pain.

It’s an agonizing day, and hours later, now nighttime, you wake up from surgery and groan out in pain.

“Melissa?” You whimper. She steps over to the bed and smiles.

“It’s nice to see you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

“It hurts,” you groan, wincing as you move slightly. “What happened again?”

“You were attacked by an omega wolf. Scott and everyone are trying to figure out why a wolf would attack during the day. You are in the right direction to recover, but there will be deep scarring on your sides where the scratches were deep. They also got your thighs and back. So be careful moving, you have stitches all over the left side of your body.”

“How long have I been out?” She checks the clipboard at the foot of your bed and flips through the papers.

“Looks like you came in at around 2:30, went in for surgery immediately, got out at about two hours later, and it’s now eight. So about four hours since you got out of surgery.”

“Is Theo here?” She smiles and glances out the window at Theo, slumped in his chair, lazily watching the TV in the waiting room. The rest of the pack was either asleep on one another, or had gone home.

“He’s been here since we called him after you got out of surgery. I called him personally to let him know because Scott, Stiles, and Liam refused to call him.” You chuckle weakly and rub your eyes.

“Can you tell him to come in here?” You ask.

“Of course. Just him?”

“Yeah. I don’t wanna see anyone else yet.” She leaves the room and when Theo notices her presence, he shoots up immediately. He is wide awake now, and when Melissa asks him to come with her, he can feel the angry stares from the others. But he ignores them and follows her.

When he sees you, he sobs out within seconds. Melissa leaves you two alone and stays out in the hall to talk with Scott and the others.

Theo pulls a chair up next to your bed and grabs your hand.

“Holy shit,” he gasps out, wiping his face, making you laugh.

“I’m okay,” you murmur, reaching up to wipe his cheeks away for him. He leans into your touch and hums.

“You look rough. In the nicest way possible,” he tells you.

“Yeah. Being attacked by a wolf isn’t going to make me look like a movie star, is it?” He laughs this time and tightens his grip on your hand. You watch as his veins turn black and his breathing staggers. You sigh out in relief and relax, a majority of the pain disappearing.

“Thank you,” you whisper, eyes falling shut in content. Theo leans down to press a kiss to the back of your hand and up your arm to where the IV sat.

“Seeing you in pain is literally the worst thing.”

The entire time you two were talking, Scott was listening between the conversation and Theo’s heartbeat. Stiles was on him about what you two were talking about, but he refused to share information like that.

“Come on, Scott!” Liam begs. “He has to be saying some nonsense.”

“He’s not,” the Alpha says, zeroing in on Theo’s heartbeat after he hears you giggle. “His heartbeat is steady besides a few skips in it when she laughs, says something, or touches him.”

“He could be good at hiding his heartbeat!” Stiles says. Scott shakes his head.

“I can tell when supernaturals try to hide their heartbeats. This isn’t the same.”

The pack watches you two interact more and more, and this time, Malia says something.

“I’ve never seen her smile like that. Her heartbeat also shows how much she cares for him.”

“Guys! Are you hearing what you’re saying!” Stiles yells. Scott and Malia exchange glances.

“Stiles, calm down.”

“No! How can you not trust this guy! He killed you, he manipulated all of us, and he lied about everything!”

“He apologized and owned up to everything! And who knows, he probably could have fallen for her. He knows she’s not a supernatural, so-”

“But he knows she’s close to you and the pack as a whole,” Stiles interrupts him.

“Stiles!” Scott roars. Stiles shuts up immediately. “He just told her he loves her.” The group falls silent.

“He did?” Liam wonders. Scott nods and focuses on your conversation.

“She loves him too.” He smiles after hearing the sincerity in both of your voices. You two share a sweet kiss, and he can hear both of your heart beats speeding up due to it.

“They’re happy together, and that’s all that should matter.” Malia smiles at you two and agrees with Scott.

“You really love me?” You whisper to Theo, head tilted to the side out of exhaustion. He nods and squeezes your hand.

“I do. And I know trusting me probably isn’t easy, but I don’t joke around when it comes to relationships and feelings. I’ve been hurt too many times in the past, that’s not a joke to me.”

Your hand threads through his hair as his eyes fall closed, sleep taking over him as well.

Melissa walks in to check up on you one final time before going home.

“Theo, you’re more than welcome to stay here with her,” she tells your boyfriend. Theo smiles and stands, looking around for a place to sleep.

“Oh, you can sleep in the bed with her. It’s big enough. As long as you stay on her right side and don’t rub any of her stitches. And no dirty business!” You three share a laugh and Theo kicks his shoes off.

“I will be back tomorrow morning, (Y/N). Overnight, Elise will take care of you. I told her Theo would be staying with you, so she’s not alarmed to see a random man in bed with you.” A giggle escapes your lips as Theo waits for her to leave.

When she finally does, Theo closes the blinds for the windows and turns the small TV on so there is a source of light in the room. He removes his shirt and sets it on the chair, keeping his pants on since they weren’t jeans, so he was pretty comfortable.

Once he was comfortable, he helps you turn on your side and curl into his chest, feeling the warmth and security he always offers.

“Thank you for staying with me,” you grin. He kisses your forehead and his hand behind you rubs the back of your neck.

“Of course, baby. If I wasn’t able to stay in here, I would’ve slept in the waiting room.”

Silence falls between you two and your pain was slowly starting to come back, now that you were laying in a different position. Theo senses this right away and grabs your wrist to take it away.

“You’re gonna hurt yourself with how much pain you’re taking,” you sigh and fall against his chest.

“I don’t care. You’re my girl, and you don’t deserve to be in pain. And I hate seeing it.”

“I love you, Theo.” You fall asleep moments later, but not before Theo kisses across your forehead and rests his cheek against it.

“I love you too, darling.”

#theo raeken #theo raeken imagines #theo raeken imagine #theo raeken x reader #teen wolf #cody christian #teen wolf imagines #imagines #fanfiction #fanfic

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neonnoir-ao3 · 3 years

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Some Words of Comfort.

Recently, I’ve seen a lot of people (especially those who have read spoilers/are actively searching for leaked content) lament about their future reactions to the deaths of our beloved characters in-game.

We all knew this was inevitable, and that them living was not an option for the plot of the game, but the time has finally come to face it head-on.

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I understand that someone outside this community might be like “it’s just a game”, but I know it’s way more than that to many: the concept of a female villain that, to many, can be seen as sympathizable and even endearing, is a bit of a new concept— especially on such a large scale as this instance.

In addition, Lady Dimitrescu and her daughters have become a bit of a comfort item for some (with an emphasis on sapphics/wlw, from what I’ve seen personally) in the form of a large, protective, and caring hypothetical partner, or even just a maternal character one can appreciate simply because of her love for her children. Regardless, most of us are here due to some desire for comfort.

Take my own story with this community, for example:

(tws for death, covid, suicide, and general medical emergencies)

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Frankly, 2020 and the beginning of 2021 have ruined me. I lost two men who were the only two positive father figures I’ve ever had. The last of the two tested positive for covid and deteriorated within days, to the point where less than a week after testing positive, my family was making the choice to pull the plug. This all occurred days before Christmas and my birthday. On the first day of the spring semester, having not had the time to properly mourn my grandfather, my mother is in the ER for multiple days with an internal infection that doctors said likely would have turned septic if she had waited to come in any longer. This led to three surgeries throughout the next few months. (Oh, and one of my relatives quite literally dropped dead on that first day of class, too). I am also estranged from one of my parents, and they have been trying to contact my family: they have multiple untreated mental illnesses (severe NPD, bipolar, and more) and they are extremely aggressive in that state of mind and they are agitated extremely easily. That only brings more stress, along with resurfacing trauma and related emotions. Every moment of every day has been a struggle. So much so that I failed half of my classes voluntarily simply because I couldn't do them anymore.

To be perfectly honest with you, I didn’t expect to be here right now. I expected that the pain of simply moving forward would have finally overridden my fears of death and that I would have already ended my suffering by now.

Then, in late January, I saw something trending on Twitter. About a new female villain in an upcoming horror game. And it went from there.

As cheesy as it sounds, this fandom and its content seriously saved my life. In the darkest of days, I’ve come to this tag for comfort. The oddest way I found said comfort was through those who were attracted to Alcina aesthetically. I have extremely long-term trauma related to being bullied and being the victim of a hybrid catfishing/'Oreo Game' on early social media by peers in middle school to the point where I do not think of myself as being able to be loved, let alone being worthy of it. Finding this community not only provided a great form of escapism (and opened a door into a fantasy world where I could imagine my own person vampire milf gf), but also gained a little bit of self-esteem (as many of you know, I share a lot of visual qualities with Alcina. -yes, I'm still kinda freaked out about it-) via seeing people where features/attributes like mine were actively praised and desired rather than insulted and pushed away like they have been until now.

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(okay sorry that kinda turned into a trauma dump but I needed to emphasize the fact that this community has seriously helped me during a really dark point in my life, and I know I can't be the only one with that sort of experience)

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What I’m trying to get across here is that, like many others, this community and its content have been comforting and therapeutic, and it really is more than just a game to us. It’s entertaining and even a form of escapism in these extremely trying times. We all have some degree of PTSD from surviving a literal mass plague— and this is something we're using as a method of coping. a distraction. a coping mechanism.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With that being said, here are some ways to hopefully assist in lessening the emotional stress:

(please note that I am not a mental health professional and these may not be healthy coping mechanisms for everyone.)

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Understand that it’s just a game.

I know, this sounds completely counterintuitive, but it’s more or less about keeping your level of immersion down. Personally, I can’t do scary shit in general: I have to listen to music on low volume while watching dark ARG vids at night or when I’m alone because I get too into it, and then my paranoia kicks in. Sometimes just pausing for a moment and grounding yourself/reminding yourself that this is a video game: a jumble of code and 3D rendering that doesn’t have to affect your views/headcanons if you don’t want it to. Did your favorite character just get slaughtered? Nope, that 3D rendering of them just got un-alived, that’s all.

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Ignorance is Bliss/We are the Captain Now

Simple: Capcom can’t even pronounce Dimitrescu right, or even acknowledge the way it’s correctly said in Romanian culture itself. How can you trust them to give you a perfect canon? That’s the thing: with that logic, you can’t. What they say is true means little (if anything, for that matter) to your headcanons and preexisting ideas of the Dimitrescus. In short: fuck ‘em.

I’m currently seeking a double major in pop culture, and one of the cool things I’ve learned so far is affirmational vs transformational fandom. Affirmational is where official canon is seen as the law of the land, and followed to a T. Transformational is seen as much more inviting for audiences, allowing them to bend canon as they wish to fit their own creations. This fandom is obviously transformational, so take that game canon, rip it up, and get back to whatever you were doing.

Capcom’s canon is not the end-all, be-all. Far from it, actually.

Want to still acknowledge canon? Godmod your way out of it.

Character A died? It’d be a shame if they emerged from the rubble they 'died in' a few hours later, very beaten but alive nonetheless... how awful would it be if they sulked away, nursed their wounds, and continued to live... (/s)

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Ignore it completely.

Remember: give it time. Once the game drops, there w be a wave of grief, but eventually, we as a community will recover, and get back to business as usual. Think about it like the in any way. Stay with the version in your head that makes you happy.

Get Creative!

If you're into creating fanart, writing fics, or even just posting a list of headcanons, take some advice from the late Carrie Fisher: "Take your broken heart, and make it into art". Make the fluff oneshot of your dreams! Draw the fanart you've been wanting to! dump lighthearted headcanons into the tags! Not only will it cheer you up, but sharing it with the community will spread the love!

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I know a lot of people are struggling with this emotionally (especially with the pandemic making entertainment like this even more important sources of escapism and coping mechanisms) and I hope that, at the very least, I was able to help comfort one person who reads this.

Remember: give it time. Once the game drops, there will be a wave of grief, but eventually, we as a community will recover, and get back to business as usual. Think about it like the flowers that bloom after major wildfires: after a period of loss, some beautiful can still come of it.

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💙

#tall vampire lady #lady alcina #lady dimitrescu #daniela dimitrescu #castle dimitrescu #alcina dimitrescu #dimitrescu daughters #dimitrescu family #dimitrescu sisters #cassandra dimitrescu #countess dimitrescu #house dimitrescu #resident evil #re: village #resident evil village #resident evil: village

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ellsieee · 2 years

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Ouch. That was the general feeling I had watching Dear Doctor episode 5.

Prakan doesn't speak but you can feel his frustration, regret, anger and guilt. A total gut punch, but it hurt so good. I'm a bit worried about the direction the story is going. I'm going to flip out if it's a BE.

We got a few more clues about Tua's connection with young Prakan but it's still unclear (to me at least). It seems the that Tua underwent some sort of risky surgery and died. As a spirit he watched the staff wheel his body into the morgue and then Prakan who is also in a hospital gown, sees him even though he's dead.

Later it appears that Prakan is out of the hospital (he's in regular clothes) and Tua agrees to be a reaper.

Okie then. That leaves me with more questions than answers. Why could young Prakan see dead Tua? Why doesn't adult Prakan remember Tua? Why does Prakan only see Tua and Kheet? Did Tua become a reaper just so he could stay close to and watch over Prakan? Is Tua a stalker? Hahahaha.

Time to spend too much time overthinking about a BL series!

I saw a theory in the YT comments that Prakan was given Tua's heart after he died. That is why his heart races when they're together. I like this theory, it's rather romantic. Prakan literally has Tua's heart. I just don't think there's enough evidence to support it.

It's the timing of the scenes that keep throwing me off. If Prakan sees ghost Tua before he gets Tua's heart, how can he see Tua? At this point there is no heart connection yet and I don't think he's like the kid from Sixth Sense hahaha. I guess they could just write it as them being "fated". If Prakan sees ghost Tua after he gets Tua's heart, it wouldn't make sense because there's no way he could be walking around like that after a heart transplant.

Then when Tua is with Kheet deciding his future, he watches Prakan who is in street clothes so it would seem he is out of the hospital. From the other cases we've seen from this series, reapers usually pick up souls pretty close to time of death. Even if Kheet had let Tua wander for a few days, it wouldn't make sense he could see a recovered Prakan just a few days after major surgery.

There hasn't been any indication in the series that Prakan has had heart surgery. There were no scars on his chest during the beach scene and back when he had his heart checkup in ep 1 or 2, his doctor didn't mention anything about a transplant. So what does this all mean? If Prakan doesn't have Tua's heart, what is their connection?

AHHHHH. NOTHING MAKES SENSE AND I NEED TO KNOW.

#dear doctor i'm coming for soul #keeta is too good for nathee #metha says fuck no to sticking prakan and nuch together #why didn't people see Tua at the bar? Wasn't he off duty?

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crimmson · 2 years

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this woman at work commented that the dog breed I was interested in was kind of big for me so I wound up being ultra paranoid and emailing a bunch of breeders to ask if it was an issue and they're all like "lol no, the majority of breeders in the organization are literally tiny ladies so you're fine and nobody is gonna disqualify you from the process for that. just hold the leash and plant your feet."

I'm STILL paying off the vet bills from Ivy getting sick and dying, and then my top surgery revision is coming up soon so I need to save money for that, and then my dentist thinks I should do some invisalign (which I think is kind-of bullshit to a degree and not NECESSARY but I am not opposed to straightening out some of my teeth and potentially lessening the overbite that makes me look like a fucking beaver),

so it's still gonna be a bit before I can commit to another dog (AND GET PET INSURANCE THIS TIME because I straight up did not know it was a thing until it was too late)

I also know getting a dog from a breeder sounds kind of shitty and I am absolutely all for adopting from shelters and rescues and literally every dog I have ever had is a rescue, but I got on this weird kick a million years ago when I saw something about the Japanese Akita clubs and associations networking together and making a bunch of effort to try and recover and replenish the breed since they were virtually wiped out during ww2.

and I was like cool, what kind of things are helpful for that? and they were like "co-owning a dog is an option" where you basically own the dog but the breeder might ask you to lend the dog back for breeding a few times if they find a good genetically diverse match in the network. and I was like, so I get a dog and arguably I am useful in the process? neat

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betweentheracks · 3 years

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Updates//Recent Inactivity

Hello all! This is me finally taking some time to sit down and offer up a rundown on how life is currently going as a means of explaining my inactivity. This is a personal post that is guaranteed to be both rambling and emotional so if that is not your cup of tea, I understand and happily advise you just skip over this post as it is not relevant to the actual content this blog was intended for.

EDITED: After reading this back I now realize this is really just me spilling the tea on my own life and is laughably dishy in details which is extremely not my usual stance on my personal privacy. But idk, it was cathartic so I'm leaving it as is despite the urge to redact 70% of what I say.

I'll start with the good news that I am officially out of lockdown and have remained COVID-19 free since my return home from the hospital. This also means my son finally was allowed to come home to me which is dazzling and exciting and also a little terrible too. He's at a precocious age where tantrums are the cool way to communicate and having been gone for so long completely thrashing his established routine has caused friction. He came home and his parent was not the same as when he left; is much weaker and less energetic than before, paler and shaky - but also there's the addition of my best friend having moved in to assist and take care of me/him while we all do our best to muddle through.

The readjustment has been rough and a lot of this week has made me incredibly thankful to have practically zero memory of how I was as a child. There have been injuries: I have been whacked in the face with the metal cover for a floor vent while dozing on the sofa instead of paying rapt attention to whatever silliness he was showing off to me, there was his complete dismissal of me asking him to stay back and away from the hot oven as I pulled lunch from it's fiery jaws only to then be faced with a toddler quickly approaching with his hand raised to touch so I naturally made a move to block him and in the process I let go of the oven door which slammed upward and clamped my arm tightly between it and the inside cavern of the oven while it was set to a roasty 400 degrees Fahrenheit - earning me a mangled arm with burns of varying degrees, and then we also had that fit where it seemed like a much more grand idea to scale the babygate cordoning the stairs and I had to rush up them to stop him from tumbling face first down two flights and of course did the falling all on my own and did it backwards then slammed painfully into the wall of the landing. This all happened within a 48hr time frame and makes me wonder why I am so catastrophically inclined.

I have bruises that range the majority of my spine courtesy of the wall and stairs, two minor first degree burns on my forearm that are in the shape of an equals and quite large despite the lack of actual pain I feel from them, and the underside of my forearm was instantly blistered then popped then melted down into a horrid glob of skin mush and sticky red-orange and is a second degree burn that I have been assured is no real cause for concern as long as I tend it with care. In all, I managed to escape my momjuries relatively unscathed and with a child that was scared senseless at having hurt his momma and is quick to listen and never stops cuddling me in the time since. Here's hoping he isn't significantly traumatized from this since exactly none of this is especially his fault and is due to my clumsy, accident-prone status in life.

So yes, The Toddler has returned home to me and after some happenings we have settled and are happy. However, his blast from the past father has suddenly just decided to reemerge after more than a year of radio silence and static and has slapped me with a custody petition. Hooray. While I have no worries on this matter due to my mother working for one of the top custody lawyers in the state and snagging him as my representation, and the utter lack of competency on my estranged baby daddy's end clearly being displayed in literally anything and everything the idiot does/says, I do have to now go through the overhaul of a custody case and that is just so weak and exhaustive. Not to mention the basis of his claims that I am not fit to raise a child are founded in my health concerns and the crazy work schedule I keep; ironically, my health is making it so that I have much less insane hours and makes this fairly moot but to each their own I guess. Also worth noting on this matter is that he only did this now because he was recently placed under penalty for child support back pay and nothing in this world matters to him like his money and this is his special way of getting one over on me for tampering with his meager earnings. (He's a wannabe musician - the soundcloud rapper sort, just so we are all on the same page here). If I thought for even a second this was a genuine desire to be an active and stable parent I would be a lot less pressed to act in favor of making it legally binding that he can only see him under a supervisory condition and share time evenly, but it just is not believable in the slightest.

So the thing is - my health is actually quite dismal presently. I'm due in for open heart surgery on the 8th of April and until then I have been doing my utmost to mind all the nagging I get from doctors, PT specialists, the surgeons that will be slicing and dicing me, and my in-family medical practitioner that sometimes remembers he is also my brother and not just an MD. But like, you guys, this surgery is terrifying and technically is two surgeries rolled into one. They'll be cracking my chest open and then stopping my heart while they lift it from where it sits sweetly unhinged and lopsided in my body and very finely shave away some of the excess muscle that has built up around the wall of my heart as well as some unfriendly scar tissue that has lingered since my last surgery years ago. Granted there is no accidental slip that nicks my ugly gargantuan heart and renders me as good as dead, once this first part is finished the other surgeon will need to be deft and very quick to place this ventricular assisting piece in the valve that has all but given up on functioning altogether and do so in the time remaining before the time limit for my heart being essentially unplugged from by body is up, which would also feasibly mean my death. Lots of exciting and terrible sounding consequences, am I right?

Well let's bear it in mind that I am just below 30 in age and therefore not duly experienced in the realm of facing down my own mortality via making all necessary legal arrangements and managing my affairs and assets so that, in event of my untimely death, the custody case still doesn't stand a chance of snatching my son away to the sad misfortune of being raised by a man that has stated openly he only has interest in his kids so far as what they can do for him/get for him in terms of benefit and that he would be unwilling to be hypocritical and never deter his children from drugs and a lifestyle of extremely questionable moral integrity and hygiene alike. Eugh. But I also have had to make sure there is a DNR in place just in case things go wrong during the operation, my will has also been finalized and notarized, all my savings and financial/material assets have been squared away to come into my child's inheritance when he is of age and, most importantly, a document that states clear and direct instructions for him to be placed in care of my mother or, if she is unwilling or incapable, he will be under custodial order and guardianship of my best friend whom he has always viewed as a pseudo-dad anyway. Legally binding and even in light of the paternity petition this document supersedes parental right by way of the provided evidence I have submitted to prove a lack of parental credibility. That's right, I spent days lowkey stalking and sleuthing about to capture what I needed to show this man for what he actually is and I have precisely zero guilt or shame for doing it; this is my child on the line and that means momma doesn't have to play by the rules of snitches getting stitches or whatever other scary street rules he tosses at me as idle threats. (He's done this routinely for all the years I have known him, and it is somehow both pathetic and hilarious because he knows for a fact that, if I wanted, I could throttle him in less time than it would take for him to form a rational thought between his drug soaked braincells - I was also a person of less than savory character not too long ago and can handle myself very well. But I digress because I am losing my track of thought.

After the surgery I will have so damn much PT and rehab, all of which will be specific to varying parts of my body that will need to be reworked and strengthened. Weeks, months of it really. This surgery is major and hits heavy enough that I will be in the hospital for at least 10-14 days just recovering from it without taking into consideration any number of complications that could pop up. Hell, if they get in there and find a situation worse than they currently have an understanding of in the limited capacity of cardiology tech can provide of such a gnarled beastly heart and realize they can't really do anything with it after all, I'll be added to the transplant list. I think this is more daunting to consider than the surgery, honestly.

In that way that doctors have about them, I was "comforted" by being informed that this was an inevitability and I would have been faced with this in a matter of years - less than a handful actually - but the way COVID-19 chewed through me sped it up. I'm sure my years of substance issues were also very helpful in this endeavor, but either way I still am unsure whether I feel better knowing this or not? Mostly I think I feel conflicted and hopeful tempered with the caution of life being super shady in the ways it has often brought me to the doorsteps of dying in situations that seem like odd chance. I also am gifted with being so capable in jinxing myself that I brought myself to COVID-19 ("The way life is going I'll probably square up with Rona next week or some bullshit." Positive test flagged within the following week) and also into labor ("Watch me go into labor on Labor Day since that would be the sort of universal pun that would strike my bad penny having ass." Indeed hatched my youngling on Labor Day of that year) by saying some things within the scope of my bad humor that instantly manifested as reality so I'm not taking any risks here lol.

The gist is that life is really stirring up the winds over here and so I haven't been online and posting anything that would make my blog valid in a fat minute. I do apologize for this and also for the fact that this post took me nearly a week to type up, but when things calm a little I will be back in full. For the time being I will be sporadic and do what I can when I can!

Thanks to anyone that read this mess all the way here! And a big thank you to all of you still supporting me!

#racks chats #entirely too long and too personal

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geekkatsblog · 3 years

Text

Grey's Season 17x8 review

I'm kinda late but I haven't been sleeping lately so I finally managed to catch up with the episode today.

I'm still in shock from last weeks episode honestly but let's go. First I'm expressing my disappointment on the lack of Carina, she's a series regular on Grey's but all her scenes were on Station 19, I wish they would have brought Maya to Grey's just so I could feel good about seeing them cash in their regulars card. Then Deluca was laid to rest, another heart breaker seeing that they had just opened the realms of possibility for him and storylines but they just killed him off instead.

___________________________________________

Teddy

Teddy the biggest storyline at this point besides the funeral. At last we get to see what's really going on. Teddy hasn't been looking herself for a long time and it seems like Deluca's death was the breaking point for her, she was so scarred she didn't even want to wean Meredith off of the vent and when things are affecting your decisions as a doctor and not for the better, it's not a good sign. We'll get to see more of the storyline next week which honestly I'm excited to see. She managed to make me feel for her because despite everything she's done she's still the same old attachment barbie under there. I'm just glad Owen was able to put aside their differences and pick her up bridal side to take her home. The only thing I'm hoping is that it actually happens to be what the trailer was suggesting and not another Denny and Izzie situation because enough of the Grey Sloan doctors have had cancer and I'm definitely hoping that hey end the love triangle between her Owen and Tom or the better scenario in my opinion is let her get some space to breath and deal with healing without the pressures of relationship added to it.

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Meredith

Meredith honey, I'm gonna need you to take several feet away from Mc Dreamy, your kids and the hospital need you and you're getting a little too close to him for comfort. On that note I was once again glad to see Patrick Dempsey bless my screen as Derek Shepherd and it was as always a treat. When he talked about the kids, I'm so glad he knows about Ellis and they got to have several deep chats, so much so that I almost fell into the trap of wanting them to touch. She took a breath on her own which makes it seem as though she's improving but I don't want to get my hopes up and then have them trampled again like in the situation with Deluca waking up after surgery and then Meredith waking up only to end up on a vent in the same day.

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Bailey

I'm so glad that she's taking some time off. She's been running on empty since her mother died and she was beginning to remind me of the time with when she tested herself over and over again for staph with how obsessed she was about Deluca's autopsy, however with the amount of her fellow doctors she's lost its understandable plus Meredith the only one of her residents left is still on life support. If it wasn't for Richard she would have done some serious damage especially to Teddy who already was on edge. She definitely doesn't handle trauma well but besides Richard and Meredith she has experienced the most trauma. She's been through a lot and sometimes I think I tend to forget that.

And at least we got to see that small scene between her and Ben at the end so that was a plus.

___________________________________________

Richard

Is still holding up the walls of the hospital. It must be so hard for him to keep his faith with all he has been through, like I said before him, Meredith and Bailey have been through hell and back so I can definitely understand him feeling a little lost and losing his faith. However he didn't let that affect his keeping the Grey Sloan family together. I'm glad him and Catherine managed to make up because both of his support people are going through things of their own (Meredith and Bailey) so I was glads that she was able to be there for him and he didn't have to consider the thought of alchohol because that would just be too much at this point.

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Amelia and Link

Are doing really well right now as a couple, which scares me because whenever something seems to be going too well for a couple they throw a storm at them and I'm not ready to see their happy bubble burst just yet.

And Amelia has grown a lot her talking to Zola, she just said the right things. Mother hood as really changed her for the better. And does anyone else really want to see the letters that Zola wrote for Derek?

Link however felt the pressures of taking care of 4 kids constantly and I can understand I help out with my niece sometimes and by the end I want to pull my hair out and sleep in a corner for a week, farless 3 kids and a baby, I'm surprised he lasted so long.

Link headed to Jo's house in the middle of whatever agreement Jackson and Jo have going and got drunk. What I really liked about it though was that he went home afterwards and when he did Amelia didn't judge or yell she just talked to him and then hugged him which was amazing. They have a level of communication on the show that most of the other couples lack and it just works so well for them.

___________________________________________

Jo and Jackson

Jackson discovered just how much of a close friendship Link and Jo have and at some point he almost seemed as if he was jealous. Let the complications begin ladies and gentlemen. Plus there is the apparent potential of Dr Haynes turning it into a triangle. I guess one triangle dies to form another 🙄 and let's just say I'm not too excited for it.

Jo allowed herself to get drunk and vent which in my opinion was a step forward atleast. She hasn't really gotten the time to grieve over Alex because suddenly Covid happened and she was swamped with work. I'm just hoping that she does so that she won't accidentally sabotage any upcoming happiness she may have with someone else she needs to heal.

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Maggie and Winston

Poor Winston, he really doesn't know what he's signing up for by joining Grey Sloan does he 😭? Although I noticed last week he seemed to be getting the picture when Link was talking about Meredith and Derek. On the other hand seeing him with the kids was adorable, and he managed to give everyone some time to themselves without the kids which was a very big contribution. He's reminding me of a Ben which in no way is a bad thing. Go on Maggie get it.

Maggie was also devastated and shocked by Deluca as we all were and I'm so sad how their slowly but surely introducing her to the traumas of Grey's. She literally is the only pure one left and now she has to go through all the trials of the hospital until she's dark and twisty. I hope not though she's the only cheerful non broken one left on the show.

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Owen

Is about to have his hands full by next episode. He really is beginning to redeem himself after all Teddy did to him the whole episode he spent trying to make her feel better about Deluca and then picked her up to carry her home which confirmed my theory of it was always going to be Owen for Teddy, it was always Owen and Teddy even when she was married to ....... Henry 😭. I hope this will be the end of the over worked love triangle and they'll finally be able to move on especially Tom who deserves it.

___________________________________________

Haynes

Is utterly smitten with Meredith's children and was begging her to wake up and fight and surprise, surprise she took her first breath on her own. Honestly out of all the potential suitors for her which really isn't much considering one of them has now joined Derek as a permanent member of the beach, Haynes isn't a bad choice, I'm beginning to actually ship them. But then Krista said she was sensing a potential triangle with Jo, Jackson and Haynes and I hope not. I'm tired of the triangular pyramid of Grey Sloan love triangles. Just once I would like a relationship to be straight forward. They killed Deluca and the Teddy one is coming to an end, no need for another.

___________________________________________

Tom

Is still recovering from Covid and he seems to be going to live, a plus in the series so far.

___________________________________________

Levi and Nico

Are slowly getting closer, but I'm not rooting for anyone until Nico apologizes and they have an actual conversation about what happened without their clothes ending on the floor.

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Helm

Also was having a hard time coping and dealing with a bit of guilt about her over ambitious surgery hungry self. She actually reminds me of Cristina in a way, which is why I want Tom to be her teacher I really think their personalities will bounce well off of each other, especially in the episode where she had to check on Tom when he had Covid.

___________________________________________

Questions

• What's going on with Teddy? Owen said in the trailer he sees it in soldiers a lot but Grey's has a knack for reusing plots and her seeing Deluca is giving major Denny Izzie vibes, plus there's the chance that if it really is a brain tumor they'll pin all her recent choices on the tumor.

• Will someone tell Meredith they're are beaches in the real world as well, sure Derek won't be there and it probably wont be as peaceful but all I know is she needs to wake to hell up.

• What's going on between Jo and Jackson will they become more? Will they add Haynes to the mix?

• And most importantly when will Carina finally be seen in the Grey Sloan hospital? I need more Dr Carina.

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tennessoui · 3 years

Note

Is this 500? I hope so but I’m guessing…

“We did a full physical after your surgeries as part of your formal intake,” Che says. “To put it quite plainly, sir, your body depicts a long history of abuse. If your husband is hitting you, please. We can hel--”

“My husband?” Anakin asks, voice several octaves too high. Che raises an eyebrow.

“Obi-Wan Kenobi,” she says slowly, as if worried Anakin is suffering from amnesia or something.

“But we’re not--” Anakin starts to say before stuttering to a stop as he catches sight of his left hand for the first time since waking up. On his fourth finger is a glittering diamond and sapphire ring that definitely was not there before Anakin got shot.

Souvenir indeed.

“Where is my husband?” Anakin demands, changing directions immediately.

“Anakin,” Che says gently, “you don’t have to go back. We can have him removed from the premises, start a case against him.”

“No,” Anakin replies stubbornly and probably too quickly. “I want my husband. Here. Where is he?”

Che sighs, looking tired. Anakin feels almost bad for her. She’s obviously trying to help him. But he doesn’t need help.

ahh thank you so much for sending this and going to pick out a passage 🥺🥺 soooo sweet 🥺🥺

(this is from Pretty Bird And the Wedding Planner, Ch. 2, and the ask game is this one)

alright so!!! this whole conversation with Che was completely unplanned, but I had Anakin in the hospital because he was shot and I realized that any medical professional would be absolutely horrified by the state of his body. All the fighting both under Palpatine and then to make money when he and Ahsoka were traveling must have left some seriously gnarly scars/bone breaks and resets, which an outsider may contribute to Obi-Wan, especially given how off the rails Obi-Wan is probably acting outside when he's not allowed back into Anakin's room to sit with him.

And I really wanted that outsider POV of someone going 'uh oh this is literally such a bad relationship, and I want to help,' which is what Che is saying.

(more under the cut)

In her head, she's seen this stuff before. A powerful man and his beaten down spouse and she's really just trying to help Anakin because she's worried he's in a really terrible situation.

Anakin doesn't think or address Che's worries because he's too distracted by suddenly having a husband, but if he were to, I'm sure he'd think that the whole idea was absolutely preposterous and a little bit funny because...Obi-Wan? Hit Anakin??? Please. Obi-Wan would never. It's just unthinkable to him.

But basically I really, really wanted to write Anakin being offered a way out and him saying, 'well, no thanks. I'm good. we're good.' Especially since Anakin's not had a good time of it in this fic so far because he thought obi-Wan was breaking up with him and then he got shot.

As far as the ring goes, I think every ring I've ever written for Obikin has had sapphires to match their eyes LMAO with either a gold band or a coppery gold band to match their hair

And Anakin recovers admirably from seeing the ring and getting it but if anyone's good at rolling with the punches, it's Anakin (haha)

Now at the end of this scene, he just wants Obi-Wan with him to yell and kiss and tease and kiss and look at and kiss because he'd never thought of obi-Wan as the marrying kind, but he wants that. he's so happy that obi-wan wants the same that nothing else matters except getting him back and here with him.

Che was just trying to help, but outsiders can't help Mobikin and they certainly can't understand them.

i do wonder how this hurts/helps Mobi-Wan in his election because on one hand his husband is in the hospital after getting shot which is major sympathy points, but on the other hand, his husband's medical records could be leaked at any given moment and then everyone's gonna wonder if he's an abuser

#asks #PBATMB #thank you again this was really fun to talk about!!!

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incorrectbandofbrothersquotes · 3 years

Text

I Don’t Think You’re An Angel (Anymore)

A Lewis Nixon x OFC One Shot

Word Count: 3.3k

A/N: Thank you to @basilone @softspeirs and @mercurygray for all your help on this! I am much happier with how it turned out thanks to y’all’s suggestions :)

Warning(s): Some suggestive language, but that’s about it

***

Her father once told her that nursing would make her feel fulfilled. It would get her back on her feet after such tragedy struck. Nothing healed like giving back and healing others, he said. Especially after downing whiskey and kissing strangers didn’t work, she thought.

It did the trick, to be sure. Nursing school was rigorous, but it taught her a lot about herself. She met some of her greatest friends there, and new connections soothed the ache from the burn of the ones she lost. With a new support system, she wearily clawed her way out of the ashes of her grief, and stood up again. And when the war came, she and thousands like her were able to charge into the fray.

But the last thing Bonnie wanted now was to be on her feet - in a much more literal sense. The Austrian sun shone outside, calling to her, coaxing her to come out and warm her face and rest her sore feet. But she didn’t have a day off for another two days. And after almost eight hours at the hospital, there were still more patients to check on before she could clock out. She felt that familiar throb in her heels as she headed into the next ward.

Shit.

There he stood. The man she once knew as Lewis Nixon, but for many years, only referred to as “The Worst Mistake I Ever Made.”

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit.

He was coming closer, accompanied by a red-headed major she didn’t recognize. To her dismay, they headed for Sergeant Grant’s bed, the very patient she was supposed to check on. He was still recovering from his surgery until he was well enough to be moved to England.

She decided to grit her teeth and bear it. Years had passed. Why should he bother her now? He probably wouldn’t even recognize her. She knew herself to be an unremarkable part of his life. How else could he have done what he did?

She strode over to the bed and ignored the men standing beside it. She lifted Grant’s chart and scanned it, but she couldn’t absorb anything. She could feel Lewis’s eyes on her. Moments that might have been hours passed as he stared, and she pretended she didn’t notice.

“Bonnie?”

Shit.

Biting back a groan, she looked at him, and met his eyes. Those eyes that once made her legs weak and her heart soft. But now only activated her punching reflex. She glanced at his collar to get his rank.

“Captain,” she said coolly.

She returned her eyes to the clipboard.

“Okay, I know it doesn’t take that long to read a chart,” he said.

She snapped it shut and glared at him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were a medical professional. Would you like a white coat and stethoscope? Just clock in since you seem to know so much!”

“Still mad, I see,” he said with a grimace.

“Oh, get over yourself,” she shot back.

“So, you two know each other?” the red-head observed, cutting the tension.

“It was a long time ago,” she said. “We went to school together.”

“We used to date,” Lewis added.

“Could not have been more obvious I preferred to keep that private, but I guess we’re in this room now,” she said.

“Dick, this is Bonnie Butler,” Nix said. “Bonnie, this is Major Dick Winters.”

“How do you do?” she said politely.

“Nice to meet you,” Dick replied. “Bonnie Butler...like the little girl from Gone With the Wind?”

“If fairness, I had the name first,” she pointed out. “And I haven’t broken my neck falling off a horse, but I avoid them just in case.”

They both chuckled, and she refrained from smirking with satisfaction. Her need to impress him disturbed her.

“I gotta admit I’m surprised to see you here,” Lewis said.

“We haven’t spoken in years, Lewis, anything I’m doing should come as a surprise to you,” she returned.

Now that the initial contact was made, she had an easier time going about her job checking on Grant. It was pretty basic, just taking vitals and ensuring he was still stable. Which he was.

“Well, I’ll let you visit now,” she said.

She started to go.

“Kathy’s leaving me,” he blurted out.

She turned to face him, expression level. “Is that supposed to mean something to me, Lewis?”

It should have felt like victory. Like justice. But it only made her sad. None of it meant anything now. Her loving him, him loving Kathy, and Bonnie hating them both for it. The agony she faced because he chose her friend was only worth a few years of marriage.

Did everything have to fall apart? Was nothing truly built to last? The war showed her that even thousand-year-old buildings would crumble under a bomb. Just as she crumbled when Lewis dropped the truth about him and Kathy. But now they were in ruins as well, so what was the point in any of it?

He shifted his weight between his feet, as he always did when he was anxious. He looked at the ground and then back at her, his eyes revealing how deeply he was stung.

“Guess not,” he said. “I’ll see you around, Bonnie.”

She didn’t answer for so long he feared she would not at all. But she was still looking at him.

“I should hope not, Lewis,” she finally said.

With that, she turned on her heel and walked out of the wing. Dick looked at Bonnie and then at his friend. He had never seen Lewis look so guilty. There was a deep remorse there, which indicated a great impact on his life, but Dick could not recall Lewis ever mentioning this woman.

“What did you do to her?” Dick asked.

Lewis cleared his throat before he answered. “Did I ever tell you how I met Kathy?”

Dick shook his head.

“Well, Bonnie and I were dating,” Lewis began. “Kathy was her best friend. And, well...we fell in love. Behind Bonnie’s back. We had an affair for six months before we came clean.”

Dick blinked, taken aback. He knew Lewis was not the most ethical person in the world, but he did not expect his friend to be capable of something like that. He didn’t blame Bonnie at all for the way she spoke to Lewis. That kind of betrayal went deep because it was not just her boyfriend, but the one person she was supposed to be able to rely on when her boyfriend messed up. And then, to add insult to injury, they ended up married. Now, Dick was impressed with how Bonnie handled the news of the divorce. She had every right to laugh in his face. And she didn’t.

“Did you apologize?” Dick asked.

“Oh, only about a thousand times,” Lewis replied. “And even after some time went by, Kathy and I tried to reach out again, but she wanted nothing to do with us. And we didn’t blame her, of course, but it still hurt.”

A beat passed. Lewis watched the door where Bonnie disappeared and wondered now if his split from Kathy was his punishment for what he did to her. That he and Kathy - because they started as a transgression - were perhaps doomed to fail.

“C’mon, Nix,” Dick said. “Let’s go get something to eat.”

“Or dink,” Lewis returned.

They left the hospital, but he found himself wishing he could find her again. Explain some more. But he knew better.

The following morning, Bonnie went to change an IV for a young corporal who had drunkenly jumped from a fourth story window and broken his leg. Many of the injuries she treated these days were caused by the jubilance of VE-Day, and she couldn’t say she blamed them, but she did wish they would be more careful.

“Thanks, Nurse Butler,” the corporal said.

“I’m just doing my job,” she replied gently. “This’ll only take a moment.”

She reached for the bag, when she suddenly heard a dreaded voice from behind her.

“Careful with those, they can get messy,” Lewis said.

She whipped around.

“I’m sorry, don’t I first open my eyes and realize it’s a new day?” she asked sarcastically.

“I didn’t -”

“What is this magic bag in front of me?!” she exclaimed, holding the IV bag out with taunting wonder.

“Look -”

“I’ve done this before,” she said sharply, becoming serious again and facing the patient, who was snickering.

“I know that,” he said.

“Then stop telling me what to do,” she retorted.

“I was joking,” he said calmly. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be,” she shot back, with a bitterness that told him she meant more than just the joke.

He did not speak again until after the IV was replaced. When she finished, she ignored Lewis and began walking away.

“Bonnie, wait, I think we should talk about things,” he said, trailing behind her.

“I disagree,” she replied. “Besides, I’m working.”

“When is your shift over?”

“You know I’m not going to tell you that.”

“Please -”

She halted and whirled around. He skidded to a stop a few feet away.

“What is it you’re so desperate to tell me?” she demanded. “That you’re sorry? Because I’ve heard that before, Lewis, and I don’t care.”

“You really can’t forgive me?” he asked. “After all this time?”

She wondered that herself often enough. But there was too much. Not only the betrayal, but the effects of it. How could she forgive him for the worthless way she felt? How could she forgive him for her now ingrained lack of trust? How could she forgive him for the nights she spent crying on the kitchen floor, convinced that this was what love felt like?

His eyes clung to her gaze, and she endured a long moment of weakness where she felt totally incapable of turning away from him. But she knew she could now because she had done it before.

“No,” she said, surprised by the croak in her voice and the lump in her throat.

She didn’t wait for him to answer. She walked away, and thankfully, he didn’t follow.

Another day passed. Lewis did not return to the hospital, and Bonnie was relieved. She worked the rest of her shift in peace. The only disturbance was a violent thunderstorm, which rumbled in the sky and pelted rain down against the roof all day.

When her shift concluded, it was still raining. Unwilling to get drenched, she went to the doctor’s lounge, which nurses frequented as well, for a drink. She had the next day off, so she figured she could afford to get a little tipsy. Her true goal was to get Lewis Nixon off her mind, but as she walked in, she met a dismal sight. There he sat at the bar, nursing a whiskey, looking sadly at a letter.

She looked at the heavens to address God directly.

“You think you’re so funny, don’t you?”

She waited a moment, but received no reply. So with a sigh, she went over to the bar and took the stool beside Lewis.

“You know, if you’re not medical personnel, you’re not really supposed to be in here,” she said.

He looked at her. “Are you speaking to me now?”

“I never said we can’t speak in general,” she said. “Just not about our past.”

“I see,” he returned. “Well, to address your earlier statement, this is the only place they have Vat 69 in all of Europe apparently.”

“You’re still drinking that nasty stuff?” she asked, wrinkling her nose.

“You’re not?”

She shook her head. “No, I’ve moved on.”

With that, she ordered a gin and tonic. They waited in silence as the bartender prepared it. The soft clink of ice and pop of the gin bottle might as well have been explosions. There were no other patrons to fill up the space.

“So, are we gonna catch up?” he wondered. “Like old friends?”

“I don’t think we were ever really friends,” she replied. “If we were, you wouldn’t have done what you did.”

“Ah, ah, ah,” he warned jokingly. “That is forbidden territory.”

“Do you wanna talk or do you wanna fuck around?” she retorted.

“If we’re not gonna address the elephant in the room, I’d argue that all we’re doing is fucking around,” he said.

She couldn’t help but chuckle at that. As she relaxed into her chair and took a sip of her drink, memories of them laughing together swam before her. Those tidbits of happiness that she locked away so that they couldn’t hurt her anymore. Back when she thought of him as her whole world.

“Alright, let’s fuck around,” she said.

She let him go first. He talked about his son, then about joining the Airborne, about meeting Dick Winters, and he even admitted that he never fired a shot in combat. She told him about nursing school, enlisting, and a bit about her journey through Europe. It was all very surface level and appropriate. But it wasn’t them.

“Would I be trespassing if I asked about your parents?” he wondered after their third round.

She considered it as she sipped her fourth cocktail. They grew up together, so she supposed it was fair.

“Fine,” she said. “But it might depress you. Dad passed away, and Mom really hasn’t been the same since.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “They were always nice to me. Even after…”

She nodded, turning her glass on the counter, keeping her watering eyes focused on it. As her mother deteriorated, she kept asking where “that angel Lewis” was. Mrs. Butler doted on Lewis Nixon as if he were her own son. And Bonnie’s was not the only heart broken when everything happened. But now Mrs. Butler was stuck in a time before that, and Bonnie never had the heart to remind her that things were different now.

“She asks about you,” Bonnie blurted out. “Mom does.”

“And what do you say?” he asked.

“I tell her you’re coming any day now,” she said. “Of course she doesn’t know the difference. She can’t remember anything.”

He half smiled. “Well, I better go see her so I don’t make a liar out of you.”

She half smiled back. “That’d mean a lot to her.”

She paused a beat while a doctor and another nurse filed in and took up two stools just a few seats away from her and Lewis. The other two were obviously romantic - their knees touched, their hands lingered close to each other, and they hardly looked at the bartender as they ordered. They were so wrapped up in each other. Bonnie felt the distance between her and Lewis was cavernous in comparison. She took a dink.

“Um, how are your folks? Feeling alright?” she asked after swallowing.

“Oh, they’re the same as ever,” he said. “A little cold, a little rich. They’re gonna lose it when I tell them about the divorce.”

“You’re a grown man,” she reminded him. “What could they do?”

“You act like growing up means your parents can’t be obnoxious,” he said. “They can and they will.”

She bit her lip with hesitation. “Can I ask you something? It might be crossing a line.”

“Honey, I’m on my fifth whiskey, you can ask me whatever you want,” he assured her, knocking back the last gulp in his glass.

“Why can’t it work between you and Kath - your wife?” she asked.

She couldn’t bring herself to say the name. Calling her “Kathy” made her who Kathy was. Bonnie’s former best friend who betrayed her in the worst way possible. Calling her “his wife” reduced her to an abstract. She could be anyone in theory.

“She met someone else,” he answered. “Ironically enough.”

The air around them felt thick again.

“You can laugh,” he said. “It must feel like poetic justice or something to you.”

She shook her head. “The last thing I feel like doing is laughing. That kind of hurt is not something I would wish on anyone, not even you.”

“It feels like you’re supporting me, but just barely,” he joked.

She offered a smile. “I’m sorry, Lew. Really, I am.”

“Thanks,” he said. “But how on Earth are you so goddamn understanding?”

Her brow furrowed. “What? I’m not being understanding. I still think you’re rude for what you did.”

He blinked. “Rude?!”

“Yes, rude!” she cried. “You wanna cheat on me? That’s fine! You wanna marry that girl and get her pregnant? Fine! But to make it my best friend? That’s just rude!”

He laughed. An old, buried admiration for his smile crept up into her heart - right along the very cracks he had created and she had forced back together, never fully repairing the damage. She looked away, only to see the other couple was kissing now, and Bonnie had to turn her back to them.

“Well, I apologize for my rudeness,” he said.

“Based on the situation, I’m sure it won’t happen again,” she replied.

“Ouch,” he said. “But well deserved on my part.”

“I’ll say,” she agreed. “But...can I ask you one more thing?”

“We have already crossed way beyond the line, go ahead,” he said.

“If you two felt that way about each other,” she began. “Why didn’t you just tell me? If you had been honest, I would have told you I’d be fine. I would never have stood in the way of your happiness. The lie hurt me more than the blow to my ego.”

He took a drink of his fresh glass of whiskey and swished it in his mouth briefly before swallowing - a tactic she was familiar with. He was constructing a careful answer.

“First of all, in fairness to us, we had no way of knowing that,” he said. “Second of all, and perhaps worst of all, we...we didn’t want to hurt you.”

“But don’t you see how it’s worse that you -”

“Of course,” he cut across her. “Of course we see how what we did was worse. We were young and stupid and afraid. And look where we are now.”

At that, they both finished their drinks. She bounced her foot a moment as what she was about to say bubbled up. Could she really say it? Did she mean it? She glanced at his face and got her answer.

“Okay,” she said. “I’m ready.”

“To what?” he asked. “I hope it’s to tell those two to get a room.”

He nodded down the bar at the doctor and nurse. Their drinks remained untouched, but the same could not be said for their legs or their backsides. Bonnie snorted.

“C’mon, give them a break,” she said. “You remember what it was like when it was new.”

“Oh, yeah,” he said fondly. “Remember that time at Joan Watson’s party, when you and I went upstairs and -”

She squeaked to cut him off and her face went beet red. A fleeting memory of his hands on a lot more than her legs made her squirm in her seat. She cleared her throat.

“As I was saying,” she said firmly.

“Right, sorry,” he said through a chuckle. “What is it you’re ready for?”

“To forgive you,” she told him. “We’re both different people now, aren’t we?”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah, I’d say that’s true.”

He sat up a little straighter, appearing lighter. He pursed his lips too, fighting the grin that was spreading across his face.

“Wanna get out of here?” she suggested.

“I’m still enjoying my whiskey,” he said.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough whiskey for - I dunno - a lifetime?”

“Not my lifetime.”

She rolled her eyes. He met her gaze and smirked. Then, he got to his feet, and offered her his hand. She took it, and they touched for the first time since what they each thought was to be the last time. Who could have imagined they would find each other again in Austria? So far from home and everything they knew together? And yet, through clasped hands, they felt that home was not so far away after all.

He helped her off the stool, they paid, and then walked outside together. The clouds had disappeared and the sun was beating down a fresh, fragrant warmth. The air was clear. The storm had passed.

#band of brothers #lewis nixon #lewis nixon x ofc #hbo war #Easy Company #band of brothers fic #lewis nixon imagine #idk what else to tag this shit #i hope y'all like it

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shadowthorne · 3 years

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I didn't mention it, but a few weeks ago, Doc (formerly known as Caesar) from the shelter I worked at, whom I loved deeply and worked with for close to 10 months while he was at the shelter, came to visit me at the clinic!

His owner and I have kept in loose contact over the years. After I quit at the shelter, I gave him my email address and every once in a while he emails me and keeps me updated.

Doc came into the clinic to get a vaccine update, since he'll have to be boarded while his owner recovers from surgery. Firstly, despite not seeing this dog in two years, he remembered me immediately!! He got so excited and wiggly and ran up to give me kisses as soon as I said hello after walking into the exam room. The whole time I was within sight, he shoved his whole giant head into my lap or my chest and demand my attention. I almost cried, I love that dog so much.

Secondly, idk if anyone remembers, but Doc is untouchable for the vast majority of people. And I don't mean like he walks away, or he gets growly for it, I mean he will literally turn and tag you and he means it. He doesn't snap in warning, he goes for you. He's half husky, half german shepard and he has every ounce of behavioral issues both breeds can possibly have. I was his person in the shelter because I was one of the very few people to be able to touch him (the ONLY one to be able to harness him and touch his toys, but that's another story).

During his exam, he was of course muzzled, but he's huge, he's close to 100 pounds (real fat tbh he should be like 80, but that's still a Big Dog), so he was hard to hold still and every time the doctor would try to touch him, he'd whip around and try to get her through his muzzle. And a dog that size is just too big to manhandle without someone or the dog getting hurt. But he'd let me do all the things, because he doesn't care when I touch him. We ended up doing this thing where I would pet up and down his chest a few times, then, as I was removing my hand, the doctor would put her's where mine had been. She was able to do a complete physical exam this way; listen to heart and lungs, palpate his belly and organs, check under his tail, check the state of his coat and skin, look in his ears. As long as Doc thought it was me, he didn't care. We did the same thing for his vaccines. I held his head to help keep him from turning and realizing it wasn't me, and I'd use my other hand to scratch at his butt and legs and when I moved my hand, my coworker stuck the needle in and vaccinated. He didn't even flinch.

I was so proud of him! And so so so happy to see him living his life. He was one of the ones I really didn't think would be a live release at the shelter. He's not a good boy, but I love him so much and it really meant a lot to me to get to see him again.

#work tag

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keshetchai · 3 years

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personal posting / alcoholic parent mention / medical

first mentioning that im furious at my primary care for not referring me for a covid vaccine because she can’t...prove i have asthma, because ??? “just because i prescribed an inhaler doesn’t mean you have asthma.” like, ...okay, whatever. thanks.

unfortunately, i do not feel excited for pesach. I actually love pesach. but I love it in person, face to face, at a table of people. i can’t have that. that’s probably for the best because as much as I love pesach, I don’t love a holiday with four cups of wine as a central ritual when my low-contact/estranged father has been an alcoholic for 10+ years now and his poison of choice is red wine. he’s hit the stage where he is dying slowly, but that could last years or months. I don’t know.

late december he was formally diagnosed with covid-19, when we thought he’d already caught it early on. then after recovering he had a stomach surgery scheduled for a separate issue, and basically the hospital had to stop operating because he was bleeding too heavily as a result of his enlarged liver. they stopped with only a small percent of surgery done, and stabilized him a bit, and then he got transported back to the US. because he basically hit his healthcare limit from private insurance in another country. now he’s on VA stuff. i think they recently discharged him, or will discharge him in san diego.

his kidneys and liver are failing, in addition to major intestinal issues, his gallbladder needing removing, etc. i mean, he will absolutely die of liver failure if he drinks any more. but relapse is almost an inevitability after forced sobriety while hospitalized.

his siblings - my aunts and uncle - all finally realize truly how bad it is. my aunt karen is close enough we were able to talk (masked, in person) about why I am extremely low contact with my dad, why I was frustrated my aunts and uncle kept asking me if I’d heard from my dad...etc. because like, I don’t. we talk on birthdays, father’s day, maybe new years, maybe once about my brother.

i showed her my texts history where it was literally just

2020 - my birthday, his birthday, question about my brother.

before that was 2019, i think an exchange about getting me off of his cell phone plan formally.

i gave her all the sordid details, about his drinking when he had custody visitation with me and my brother, about telling my high school teachers he was not my custodial parent/an alcoholic/unreliable, how there were a serious of fracture points in our relationship that broke it bit by bit until finally in college he spent father’s day weekend trying to convince me to volunteer to kick myself out of his apartment where i’d been sleeping on an air mattress and working as a temp because his second wife decided to rant to him how much she hated me and wanted me gone. how i sent him an email calculating his alcohol expenses weekly and told him he owed me money. a million other little things... and she listened and understood and sympathized and was mad on my behalf.

but i sent an email informing her siblings also of some of this stuff, about my feeling that my dad needs rehab and that we can’t force him to go, and neither of them responded. and i know it got sent, because karen replied to my email too.

the other two have been silent. what hurts is that of course, my other aunt A did text me the other day, asking if i could join a family zoom meeting saturday night, with my dad, to check in on him. no response to anything I said about how I feel about my parent who is an addict and slowly dying, lmao. just join a zoom meeting. I had to pry to ask if it was like, going to be an ~intervention~ or something.

i was so relieved to be able to say “sorry, not this weekend. those are the first two nights of passover, I won’t be available.” i told her i could be there some other evening, but not to hold up everything on my account, even if my dad did ask if i would attend. i pity him, i do. but i can’t help but resent everything done, and what i learned when karen told me he inherited about $40,000 in early 2018? I think? and he’s spent it all. he was working and he still spent it. i know when my mom sued for back owed child support, he settled. I don’t think he paid up in full - which that inheritance might’ve done.

when my grandmother had lost an eye due to cancer, she also funded his trip to the ukraine to meet some woman. she needed that money to get a glass eye. but delayed it for her son. he ran out of money on this pointless trip and his siblings bailed him out. they’ve been paying for his plane tickets. he continued to ask his dying mother for money, until karen intervened a little, and even then...

he ran through forty thousand dollars after my grandma died. and didn’t think about anyone but himself with that money. my aunt basically - i mean in nicer words - explained i won’t inherit anything most likely, he probably doesn’t have assets anymore, and i was like, well, yeah.

...this sounds cold and awful but i have assumed for awhile my dad will die young and also that his siblings will have to pay for the funeral. even if i felt obligated to do something as his first born child -- I don’t have the money for funeral expenses, mostly because of him!

anyways i’m disappointed my family didn’t acknowledge anything i said, i’m sad pesach is going to be isolated again, i’ve been stressed about dealing with expectations about how i should feel about my dad dying, with digging up old resentment and hurt and having to think about him more than i ever normally do...

i finally submitted an intake form for the local jewish fam services therapy offerings and they were like “we don’t have openings now, we may in spring” today and i emailed back like “i’m fine waiting, it’s already spring....” time isn’t real anyways!

maybe i should look for other therapists right now but i wanted to go with jfs first lol. just. sigh.

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chaoticbritishqueen · 4 years

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Things I've experienced because I have mild conductive hearing loss:

People making a big deal out of my hearing aids when they see me wearing them. And just starts asking me a bunch of questions about it when all I want to do is finish my lunch in peace.

Shaming me for not wearing my hearing aids. This is a weird one, but one time in school, I was talking too a girl about how I didn't need too use my hearing aids all the time, and she turned around and literally said to me "well my grandad was deaf and he couldn't hear us, so why would you not use them if you were given them" and I was sat there like ??? I am not your granddad, my hearing is different too his, and my not wearing hearing aids right now isn't affecting our conversation, its up too me when I use them and why. And I kid you not she starts talking quieter after I pointed this out, to prove a point or something, knowing that I can't understand whispers.

A sensory overload. The first time that I wore my hearing aids in public, was at school. This was a huuuge mistake. And like I could hear every single thing around me. People walking. The crisp packet in my blazer pocket. The clocks ticking. People talking on literally the other side of the room. The world turned really bright and my clothes felt too itchy and weird even though I wore my uniform every day. My heart was racing and i felt like I couldn't breathe, so I had too take them off too calm down.

People calling me the deaf friend. I sat next too this girl in English, and we were on decent terms, until she started calling me her "deaf friend" and started too use that too refer to me by too people who I didn't even talk too and probably weren't even aware I was hard of hearing. She also started too tell people my experience with hearing loss, she also did this with my dyslexia, telling people how it effected me, "oh yeah, she's deaf. That's why she needs my help" "oh yeah, she's dyslexic, that's why she uses blue paper too help her write better" and I'm sat there like?? When did I ever say that you could tell people about my experiences?? Just let me get on with my work please.

People getting annoyed when I can't hear them. Occasionally, I may struggle too hear, maybe because I was just having a bad day, or yet another ear infection, and I would ask people too repeat, or I would misunderstand the words and answer what I though I heard. And them loudly proclaiming "oh my god you're so deaf" and and making me feel awkward. Or sometimes they would say something snarky too me under their breath and I'd be 90% sure of what they said too me and ask them too repeat what they said too see if they had the guts too say it too my face, they either completely change what they said or just simply deniying saying anything at all.

Time off school. I've had too have multiple surgeries on my ears growing up. Up until this point in my life I've had 5 surgeries on my ears. 2 of which were considered major. For these major surgeries, I had too take over a week off school too recover, the first major surgery took place when I was 15 years old. ( I was 2 when I had my first non major surgery) Anyway, after I returned from this surgery, I had a peace of my ear missing and my ear was full of cotton wool. I had found out that there was a rumour going round school that whole week that I was gone that I was going to return too school completely bald. Even though I told my friend literally the day before my surgery that all they had too do, if at all was shave a tiny bit of my hair from behind my ear, she had gone and told people the hosptial was going to shave my entire head.

Time off school PT2. My most recent surgery was earlier this year, back in January. I had too take yet another week off school, this happened too fall on during our sixth form mock week. So I decided too prioritise my health over my mock exams and have the surgery, because they're just mock exams, they don't overly matter. So I ended up doing my mocks late, with too little revision because I HAVE JUST HAD SURGERY. but I didn't really care at the time...until exams were cancelled back in March...and our mock results were too be used for evidence for our grades.... and we all know about the mess with the exam results this year....

People being mean too me. My ears are sensitive, they were more so before my 2 surgeries. They were sensitive too the cold, too wind, too humidity. And i kept getting ear infection regularly, (at one point i had at least 10 in one year) and sometimes my ears just hurt for no reason because of nerve irritation. Anyway, yet again I was in class, I think I was in year 10. And I was sat in between two girls. And one of them decided too blow air into my ears for a joke. It really hurt. I told her too stop but she just laughed at me and did it again, then her friend, sat on my otherside of me stated too do the same in my other ear. I kept telling them it hurt and too stop but they were finding the fact that i was close too tears funny and I was over reacting it can't be that painful. They didn't stop until another girl sitting in front of us turned around and said "Why are you being so mean to her?!" That they stopped. They got embarrassed and the first girl acted like I was the bad guy, and the other one had the audacity to come up to me all upset like "oh I wasn't being mean to you, right? It was a joke!" And I ended up consoling her even though my ears were still hurting. Like she somehow made me feel guilty for reacting too her being an asshole to me.

People wearing masks. Because of covid-19, people are now required to wear masks. Because of this, people are quieter and sound even more muffled, and I struggle too understand what people are saying even when wearing my hearing aids, because sometimes I do rely on lip reading too help decipher what people are saying, as certain sounds such as th and P sound the same too me, and it can be stressful.

This is only some of the things that I've experienced.

#hearing aids #hearing #hearing loss #hard of hearing #mild conductive hearing loss #dyslexia #dyslexic #hearing problems #bullying #my experience #dissability #learning disabilities #education

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urcadelimabean · 5 years

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Sometimes I think about the fact that I was a huuuuge Avatar fan in middle school and high school. Then when they announced Korra and some people were like "do they reeeeeally need to continue the series?" and I was like YES. YES THEY DO. And they released the first promo of just her standing in front of Republic City-- just her muscular back-- and I fell in love from that moment. And she was tomboyish and not that feminine just like me. And she was BUFF. I went to college and only fell in love harder when I got to know her as a character. She was hotheaded and headstrong and brave and flawed and funny. I was learning mixed martial arts and she was learning airbending. And I wasn't too enthusiastic about her and Mako but it literally didn't even matter. She was everything I wanted a main character to be and it felt so good to have a character who looked like her and just got to be the way she was. And on brand for me, I shipped the completely unlikely femslash pairing and wanted her to be with Asami since season 1, just as a long shot or a what if.

And then I got injured and Korra got injured neither of us could walk or take care of ourselves. I couldn't do the sport that was a way for me to alleviate all my anxiety and she couldn't be the Avatar. I fell into a really deep depression and she did too. I saw her have nightmares flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about what she'd gone through as i had the same experience. We did physical therapy together, in a manner of speaking, and that means so much to me, because I always did physical therapy by myself and the entire process of recovery made me feel really alone. I had no idea that having a major surgery and not having pain medication afterwards could cause that kind of trauma, but I knew that what I'd undergone was nightmarish. I didn't understand the mental health issues and ideation I was experiencing, but it felt eerily familiar to watch Korra going through her recovery. And she metalbended all the mercury poison out of her own body that she didn’t even know was there and I was like, oh. Just because surgery was over didn’t mean there wasn't still trauma physically in my body in the form of pain and nerve damage and fears and anxiety. And I knew there was something really wrong with my recovery dragging on and on, even though doctors kept brushing me off, belittling me and gaslighting me about the denial of care I had received. But I was right and it would be a lot of years for me to recover instead of the usual 6-9 months.

I projected so hard onto her that I was convinced she wouldn't be able to beat Kuvira in the season finale (but of course she did.) Except it wasn't even that she beat Kuvira because she ended up saving Kuvira. It was that she existed despite all her fears and the things holding her back and faced them all and stepped in front of Kuvira knowing that she was powerful enough that she could finally protect herself and another person without even thinking about being afraid.

And THEN after all the pain and frustration and hopelessness and isolation and just exhaustion of recovering from that, Korra walked into the spirit portal with her dream girl, just like I'd been wishing she would more and more over the seasons as I watched their beautiful friendship deepen, but NEVER believing in a million years could actually happen on a children's nickelodeon show. Honestly it was an out of body experience to see that in real time, on the day it premiered, with absolutely no idea it was possible. It felt so personal and so vindicating. It's not even just representation or feeling similar to a character or even that Korra changed me, because that’s not really it, I guess she just was *with* me and I just am forever grateful to her for that.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Korra.

#lok #korra #korrasami #shes my forever girl #mystuff

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allforhader · 4 years

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All He Wanted

Barry Berkman x (F) Reader

Requested by @designersophisticate

Warnings: Langauge, Injury

Part 1 | Part 2

He hates hospitals.

He told me he had Fuches? Was that his name? Patch him up every time he got hurt...

To avoid being admitted or something.

I...never really understood it for his predicament. I did for others. But he’s a hitman, that’s not written anywhere besides Fuches mind right? Right...?

I wish I didn’t wake up today...

A nightmare should stay away from reality.

Y/N patiently waited in the living room flipping through one of Barry’s scripts. Her phone started ringing and the number was unrecognizable, knowing her husband’s line of work, she didn’t know if she should trust it. But it could be anything, so flip a coin or take a Chance nonsense. She picked it up immediately answering and everything around her went dark.

“Is this Mrs. Berkman?”

“Y-Yes?”

“This is one of your husband’s doctor. He came into the ER with a GSW.”

“I-...Uh shit uh...which hospital?” Y/N asks as she quickly grabs her coat and keys on the way out of their home.

The silence became too real. Nothing was audible and everything was pure silence...

Y/N walks into the ER seeing the commotion happening and many different cliental flooding in and out of one specific trauma room. Her heart dropped and she felt sick. A nurse approached her carefully resting her hand on Y/N’s arm to catch her attention and the silence became loud screaming commotion.

“Who are you looking for?”

“I’m sorry..Uh Barry Berkman. My husband”

“Oh okay um ma’am I’m going to have to take you to the waiting room-“

“No. I’m going to see my husband-“

“Ma’am they are currently-“

“Shut up. He’s my husband and he’s fucking hurt. You don’t get to stand in my fucking way” Y/N snaps at the nurse before maneuvering around her and heading toward the trauma room.

“Barry, this is going to be painful” His doctor states prepping him for a chest tube as the resident puts up the scans pointing out the two bullets. “Shit. Get the pressuring dressing secured while I start. This is going to hurt sir so it’s appropriate to scream at this—moment” he makes the incision before shoving a tube in.

Once stepping in, the silence returned except for the excruciating hollers coming form Barry when they inserting a chest tube right in front of Y/N. The lead doctor on the case saw Y/N and immediately got angry at the nurse that let her in.

“Mrs. Berkman-“

“Wh-What—“ Barry tried to move but the pain in his chest was overwhelming and the resident was pushing a mild sedative to calm him down when Y/N took his hand into hers.

“Barry...I-I...I’m right here..” Y/N frowns feeling the tears start to build up in the corner of her eyes.

“Ma’am, we are going to take your husband into surgery”

“C...Can I just get a minute?”

“Ma’am he has a bullet in his chest and we need to do exploratory surgery very likely even heart surgery—he doesn’t have much-“

“P-Please..just” Barry interrupts watching his doctor order more morphine. “One minute”

“Prep the OR, and have the orderly on standby when their done” The doctor states before giving the two the room.

Barry squeezed her hand looking at her ball right in front of him. He hated it when she cries because it usually meant something around his doing.

When he told her he was a hitman

The time he had to leave for a few months

Countless times of him coming home injured

But now, he can die.

She’s allowed to cry.

“Baby...” Barry frowns trying his best to keep his attention on her even if the pain has its moments.

“B-Barry...you c-can’t die...you can’t” Y/N cries feeling Barry’s hand shake in hers. “Just...p-please”

“Y/N...Hm—“ He jolts a bit taking a deep breath. “I...had a hit..”

“Barry I don’t want to-“

“Please...just” Every time the pain kicked every chance it did, Barry squeezed her hand and Y/N didn’t have the words to respond anymore.

“...I can’t lose you”

“Y/N...I didn’t...m-mean for i-i-it to ba-backfire.....” His voice cracked as he tries to tell her what happened but honestly...it’s all white noise for the most part.

“Baby...p-please look at me” Barry frowns watching Y/N wipe away a few of the running tears before looking down at him. “If-...If I make it..”

“You have to...d-dont say if..”

“If..I make it...I promise...t-this h-hitman life” He felt her hold onto his hand like its the end of the world. “is over...I-I promise...”

Y/N was about to say something when she saw there orderly walk in ready to take him to the OR. She leans over to Barry’s ear telling him something which brought up a lot of emotions between them both. Y/N retracts herself from his side so they could take him and her face burned at that point from all the crying.

“I love you Barry...”

“I-..I love you so much” Barry states as he rolled away not seeing her in his sight.

When Barry arrived into the OR he watches his doctor approach the table.

“Doc...”

“Barry we are going to have you count back by 8-“

“I-I better make it”

“You will.”

Barry frowns looking up at the ceiling.

-Hour 1-

Y/N hated waiting. She fucking always hated it. She brought her knees to her chest hugging them, waiting...

He better make it. He better make it.

The repeating phrase in her head was interrupted when the person she called finally came.

Sally. The two got close when she was told that Sally was Barry’s acting partner. There was a history but when it ended, it didn’t interfere with their friendship.

“Sweetheart what happened?” Sally frowns hugging Y/N when she got up.

“He...” Y/N started to cry all over again. “He was mugged...” she had to lie since she’s the only one that knows what he really does.

“Oh hun...”

-Hour 2-

The nurse walks away from Y/N after informing that they needed to call in the on call cardio surgeon since the surgery became more complicated.

“He’s going to make it. He’ll make it” Sally reassures wrapping an arm around Y/N.

Y/N turns around finding the others from their acting class including Gene which made her give a look at Sally.

“What? They would’ve wanted to be here to support you through this. So I called them”

“Sally-“

“Y/N Sally told us”

“Honey I’m so sorry”

“Barry’s a strong guy he’ll make it”

“We’re here for you for everything”

They were all nice to Y/N when she waited, but the feeling of wanting to be alone became overwhelming. She sat down thinking to herself as those around her comforted her.

-Hour 4-

Gene sat beside Y/N as his students talked amongst each other of the multiple outcomes that may or may not happen. He looks over to see Y/N shaking in her seat from her anxiety. She wanted Barry.

“Come on” He assures getting up from his seat and Y/N follows him.

The two stood outside taking in the actual silence of the night and Y/N couldn’t take it.

“FOR FUCK SAKE” She yells off the top of her lungs kneeling down curling up feeling the dam break.

“Y/N...”

“He can’t die...he can’t die....I love him. He’s the...t-the love of my life...h-h-he can’t die” She cries hugging herself feeling Gene rest a hand on her back kneeling beside her.

“He’s not going to die. You can’t think with that mindset”

“B-But h-h-he got shot...t-then it involved his heart? He can die-“

“Y/N. He’s been through a lot. I know you know that. He’s fought a lot of battles. Not to be literal with that but it’s true. He’s going to be fine. He has you waiting. He wouldn’t leave you behind like this. He loves you too much. Trust me”

“H-He...”

“Barry loves you with all his being Y/N. He literally doesn’t shut up about you. He loves you. You love him. He’ll pull through. You two’s story doesn’t end here” Gene states and Y/N felt better slightly but still needed a moment.

Once Y/N walks back inside with Gene following shortly behind. He advises everyone to go home to leave Y/N alone for the remainder of time waiting for the next update. And of course. They listened.

Soon a nurse led Y/N to Barry’s ICU room where he’ll be for the next couple of days. She stopped at the door looking at the wires and tubing attached and in her husband making her heartbeat faster than it should. His doctor walks in beside her to give her an update when he gave her a minute realizing she’s panicking internally at the sight leaving her body shaking.

“Mrs. Berkman...?”

“I-Uh yes...yes?”

“He made it through surgery. There was a tear in his aorta that occurred during surgery after the amount of stress his body endured. Our cardio surgeon repaired the tear and he’s stable. There wasn’t any other major injury besides what I’ve already said. Minor internal bleeding which was taken care of. He’ll be in the ICU until he’s off vent”

“C-Can I um...t-touch him...? Hold his hand...?”

“Carefully but yes” He reassures watching Y/N make her way beside Barry’s bed taking his hand carefully. “When he’s transferred into a patient room is when we can have a cot placed for you to sleep with him during the night. But for now-“

“Um. I know...I know what to do” Y/N frowns annoyed that he’s covering everything now when all she cares about is that.

He made it. He made it through.

...

A few days went by...

Y/N walks into the hospital after her shift, she hated having to go home to an empty bed and be in that personal silence for a while. But if it means Barry is recovering safely away from everything, then it’s fine.

As she makes her way to the ICU she found Barry’s room empty. Making her anxiety kick in.

“Um. Nurse?” Y/N walks over to the ICU nurse’s station catching the nurse’s attention. “Where’s Barry Berkman?”

“Ma’am he’s been moved”

Y/N started laughing nervously as her mind already started to wander. She pinches the back of her neck to personally bring her back.

“Um where?”

“Would you like me to escort you Mrs?”

“Yes...”

Following the nurse into the area where most patient rooms are set. Her anxiety settled seeing Barry’s doctor walk out of a room carrying a grin.

“Mrs. Berkman, just the person I was looking for”

Y/N gave him a confused look before walking over and seeing Barry sitting up in his hospital bed with no vent and the chest tube finally out. She walks in ignoring anything the doctor said carefully sitting on the side of his bed catching all of his attention. Barry started to cry when Y/N has been, he rests his hand on her thigh feeling hers rest on top of it.

“I-I wasn’t going to leave you alone...”

“Thank god you didn’t...”

Barry moves his hand reaching when he shouldn’t be as Y/N brought herself closer feeling his hand rest on her stomach. He couldn’t help but break down into more tears thinking he could’ve died and missed a whole other chapter in his life. Y/N moved his arm before carefully placing herself beside him in the bed resting her head on his shoulder.

“Are you going to keep your promise...?”

“I’m not missing anymore of my life with you, I’m keeping it” Barry rests his head against hers. “You and our future together is all I wanted. I’m not letting anything...interfere with that again”

#bill hader #bill hader gifs #barry berkman #barry hbo #bill hader x reader #barry block #barry berkman x reader #barry block x reader #I really...like agnst. There’s something wrong with me but I like it. I’m sorry

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