#i cant tell you how badly ive needed support for 9 months now ive been so alone
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Matchup
@Nad-zeta
Hi hi love! Im so excited your doing matchups 😆😆😆❤ so i hope this is not ganna be TMI but here we go😆🔥
❤can i pretty please request an ikesen matchup🥰 i am a aries, infp, Hufflepuff female 🦊 i am shy and difficult to get to know (apparently it took me 2 months to start opening up to my friends, ooops), i tend to bottle up my emotions, my friends would likely describe me as incredibly stubborn, gentle, kind, over dramatic, goofy and fun loving. I am pretty aloof and blunt, i like i will 9/10 times tell you to your face how if feel about you if you ask 🙈once u are part of my inner circle i am playful, teasing, i am an extremely sarcastic person that makes snarky remarks under my breath and my kind of humor is a bit of dark and self deprecating.😂 I love my friends and family and will fight anyone how threatens them, although when it comes to me you can do or say anything to me and i wont do anything (I honestly cant stand up for myself). I swear like a sailor although i am trying to get that under control, however the road rage is real.
i love nature and animals (i love my lil bunnies and dogs), i love working out/going to the gym #gym is life 😂
i enjoy cooking (i am now officially a chef), wine tasting (fancy way of saying getting very tipsy of different wines most nights), spending time with friends (especially if there is tea to be spilt) although i do need lots of alone time to recharge my social battery, i like conspiracies, workingout/gym, reading, writing (Fanfics and im busy with my Masters in nutrition >“<), romcoms, and sleeping. As much as i love spending time outdoor i also enjoy lazing around the house being a lazy potato. I definitely zone out and daydream all the freaken time
I tend to blush easily which i hate 🙈 My face will give away what i am thinking. i enjoy my own alone time and i definitely dont like crowds and loud sounds (ie you will never find me in a club). I am a picky eater despite my degree in cooking (i basically only eat candy, carbs and protein), i love cuddles although i look like someone that wouldn’t. Ive been told i come across as calm and confident, while in truth on the inside i am really scared and insecure. I am incredibly awkward when it comes to boys and have been told my sarcastic comments are x100 when i talk to them (oops).
I am very go with the flow, and i never burn my bridges 🙈 i am very forgive and forget🦊, like no matter how badly you hurt me.
🙈 Thanx so much dear ❤ Sorry if this is TMI🔥Cant wait to see who i get matched with 🌈🎀
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Thanks for the request, Darling! I love how descriptive you were. Thank you so much <3. I couldn’t but chuckle about how much we have in common :). I hope you enjoy!
When I read everything you said about yourself, there were so many options to match you with. But, the one I believe stood out the most to me as the most compatible, is Mitsuhide Akecki.
I strongly believe this is your perfect match. For starters, one of the key things that stood out to me with your personality was how you express your emotions. It’s definitely no secret that Mitsuhide enjoys getting any strong reaction to his constant teasing. He lives for it. (Prepare yourself for randomly getting messed with at any time). it’s just how he shows his affection for you. He finds amusement how incredibly blunt you are, being quite contrary to his own secretive ways. (At times you don’t sick up for yourself, he would become your backbone and step in.)
Much like you, he also has an amazing sense of humor. Sharing sarcastic remarks, or even competing to see who can come up with the best ones would be very common. (Your darker jokes amaze him.) Potty mouth? Hilarious. Drives Hideyoshi crazy so he encourages it. It’s really nothing new to him considering the people he interrogates, and of course, Masamune.
Your kindness makes him feel much lighter. But guilty at the same time, believing he’s tainted you. (He too, secretly gets insecure, so on both side assurance is needed). With you being so selfless, this also makes him feel the need to protect you at all costs, and to be sure your still taking care of yourself, He tries his best to keep you happy, LOVES making you laugh. It’s like music to his ears.
You being creative and intelligent is a huge plus for him! If you would let him, he’d teach you a lot about ancient Japan’s history. He greatly enjoys it, and in this time he would talk to you about and listen to your conspiracy theories. (Has a few of his own he would suggest.) Two incredibly brilliant minds, and not to mention, a genius power couple.
As he doesn’t acquire a sense of taste, he would still support you and your culinary career. Eating any dish you place in front of him. Would most likely ask slyly Masamune for advice in that field.
He thinks of working out very beneficial, so letting you train with him if you desire or even sitting back and watching you brings him satisfaction. Will give tips to improve your skills. A nice run outside is always refreshing.
The only con I can see is maybe he would go too far with his teasing on occasion, and release some built up rage. But he knows to give you some space and to stay calm. (He will always apologize and diel it down for a while after that.)
Other good possible Matches: Masamune, Shingen, Nobunaga, and Mitsunari.
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Match-Up : Ikemen Revolution
@nad-zeta
Hi there dear! I legit loved your ikesen matchup up so her so here i am asking for an ikevamp matchup ❤❤ hope u dont mind❤❤
🥰 i am a aries, infp, Hufflepuff female 🦊 i am shy and difficult to get to know (apparently it took me 2 months to start opening up to my friends, ooops), i tend to bottle up my emotions, my friends would likely describe me as incredibly stubborn, gentle, kind, over dramatic, goofy and fun loving. I am pretty aloof and blunt, i like i will 9/10 times tell you to your face how if feel about you if you ask 🙈once u are part of my inner circle i am playful, teasing, i am an extremely sarcastic person that makes snarky remarks under my breath and my kind of humor is a bit of dark and self deprecating.
I will definitely be the person making jokes at inappropriate times and something about inappropriate things (its one of my coping mechanisms) 😂 I love my friends and family and will fight anyone how threatens them, although when it comes to me you can do or say anything to me and i wont do anything (I honestly cant stand up for myself). I swear like a sailor although i am trying to get that under control, however the road rage is real.
i love nature and animals (i love my lil bunnies and dogs), i love working out/going to the gym #gym is life (it is one of my coping mechanisms and has helped me slowly overcome an eating disorder)😂i enjoy cooking (i am now officially a chef), wine tasting (fancy way of saying getting very tipsy of different wines most nights), spending time with friends (especially if there is tea to be spilt) although i do need lots of alone time to recharge my social battery, i like conspiracies, reading, writing (Fanfics and im busy with my Masters in nutrition >“<), romcoms, and sleeping. As much as i love spending time outdoor i also enjoy lazing around the house being a lazy potato.
I definitely zone out and daydream all the freaken timeI tend to blush easily which i hate 🙈 My face will give away what i am thinking. i enjoy my own alone time and i definitely dont like crowds and loud sounds (ie you will never find me in a club). I am a picky eater despite my degree in cooking (i basically only eat candy, carbs and protein), i love cuddles although i look like someone that wouldn’t. Ive been told i come across as calm and confident, while in truth on the inside i am really scared and insecure. I am incredibly awkward when it comes to boys and have been told my sarcastic comments are x100 when i talk to them (oops).I am very go with the flow, and i never burn my bridges 🙈 i am very forgive and forget🦊, like no matter how badly you hurt me.
🙈 Thanx so much dear ❤ Sorry if this is TMI and for making u read all that again🙈🙈🙈🔥Cant wait to see who i get matched with 🌈🎀
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i’m glad to see you in my submissions again! it makes me very happy knowing you enjoyed the ikesen match up!
i hope i don’t disappoint with this ikerev one. enjoy!
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↪ GUIDELINES
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ー FENRIR GODSPEED : ACE OF SPADES
i can see a relationship between you and fenrir because there are a lot of areas in compliments with personalities.
you said you were a shy person who does not open up easily, but you can be read by your emotions with a good eye.
fenrir takes a whole 24 hours to crack down on that calm and shy little persona you got going before he has you laughing in tears on the floor.
sorry i don’t make the rules i just rely them.
he took it as a personal challenge to get you to smile and laugh and feel comfortable around the black army headquarters.
so yes, he would try and do everything imaginable in a single day to get you to open up.
not to mention you are also a moderator, with a milder set personality and very gentle.
which pretty much balances out the wilder and more chaotic side that fenrir has been known to have.
that being said, you happened to be a very goofy, fun loving, and playful person so you also compliment his wild side.
to put it simply, you are either the mellow aid or you are the chaos instigator, there is no in between.
i’m going to say it right now, gym buddies.
you love to work out, the moment fenrir finds that out he’s there asking if you want to join him on his morning routine.
he would love the company anyways and maybe to show off a lil bit.
between you and fenrir, i can imagine a lot of food going missing.
especially sweets. oh god all the sweets.
not to call you out but both y’all are carb junkies, which is to make up for the exercise of you running from the trouble you both stir up.
going to be honest, the first time you open up a can of the good ol’ sailor everyone, and i mean everyone is surprised.
there lovely, gentle, fun-loving alice is in the courtyard swearing higher than magic tower.
to say the least chutney learned her lesson after bearing the front of it not to try and steal your stuff.
half the black army had come running out with the first shout worried they were being attacked and you were in trouble.
instead they ended up finding alice 2.0 with a slightly startled raccoon, your notebook and pens all over the ground with you squatting to pick it all up.
fenrir was shocked… and that shock broke down into loud laughter a moment later.
“with a tone like that even the red army will be running from you!”
he will never let you, or anyone for that matter, forget it.
on another note, despite all the wild and troublesome things you two get into much to the display of mother sirius you do have your mellow moments.
cuddles. all the time.
while fenrir seems to have the attitude of the extrovert on EXTROVERT™ he has his moments of calm and quiet.
your need to recharge is especially something that causes him to mellow out, he doesn’t want to push you too far.
he understands you need alone alone time too, so he’s willing to back up but most times he’s spending your recharge time to mellow out with you.
absolutely willing to spend time you with in bed just to snuggle into you and hold you close.
walks in the garden to hear about your conspiracies, what you’ve read recently, or what you’ve been writing.
would bring shu shu with him constantly because he found out you loved dogs and he must bring a tiny floof for your enjoyment plus shu shu loves you so.
expect this man to ask you to cook for him.
the moment he finds out you’re a chef that’s it, he wants to taste everything you’ve ever made or even thought about making.
his support and encouragement are WAY out there in the best and loving way possible.
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#ikemen revolution#ikemen series#ikerev#ikemen revolution matchup#matchup#submission#ikerev fenrir#ikemen revolution fenrir#fenrir godspeed#match up#Match-Up#matchups
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Hello. Please Read.
Hi,
As you will notice my blog has changed up recently. I have neglected it over the past 8-9 months and just recently got back onto posting my musings and works on here. I never stopped writing I just didnt come onto this tumblr to share.
I am amazed at how many followers I have thank you all I am so ever grateful to have such amazing caring followers who will message me and reach out to me.
I am always here for you too anon or private messaging its cool and if you ever wanna talk off tumblr that can happen to i have a discord an insta and twitter.
I have recently been posting about my teespring and now my patreon i created late last night.
I don’t want to spam you all with SUPPORT ME links and such too much. I really don’t.
I am waiting on getting a new psychiatrist my old one laughed at my GP when he asked me to be referred back to her as she discharged me on the 3rd appointment with her. (my old amazing psychiatrist retired).
Long story short I’ve gotta complain to PALS escalate complaints GP has to meet with me and write a referral form and reasoning as to why I need to go to a whole other psychiatrists place outside of my village catchment area.
She also sent the most awful horrible final discharge letter knowing that we’d discussed I’d need PIP (DLA) because I am not able to work rn. I am mentally unstable I believe I am in the midst of a big Bipolar depressive relapse and my periods have started again (implant) making my BPD and in general emotions all over the place. I need to get medication besides my anti depressants FOR the bipolar.
I need therapy. I need PIP. But I would have to present a letter and the letter would be my discharge one. In which she is unprofessional and trashes me to pieces. I’d never get PIP with it no one would.
I am also being referred to a specialist in London for FND testing google FND HOPE for more info on that if you dont know what it is.
I also was diagnosed in march after a trip to the hospital and 3 months bed bound with FGID. I have just got a referral letter in to see a dietician. It may sound mild but it left me in agonising pain dizziness blurry vision and i couldnt even keep liquids down hence i ended up in hospital on fluids)
This is not a pity story nor a sob story. I just wanted to clarify and add background as to why I am attempting a more flexible online business model for myself aka merch on teespring....patreon rewards such as commission pieces and now Ko-fi.
I can barely stand for longer than 10 mins still and if im out walking I can just about manage 30mins on a good day before i get severe uncontrollable movements usually in my arms. Legit was in Holland and Barrett getting the white vego bars and my hand jerked and the chocolate went flying with force and hit the back of the display shelf. I struggle to even grip things such as knife and fork. I shake badly in my hands like tremors etc. My mind is fuzzy..i was scared i’d lose my ability to write i literally forgot the word for ‘window’ and ‘coaster’ ive also misread words entirely. Like i came out of a shop thinking i’d got my mum salmon and cream cheese it was salmon and cucumber. Like what??
I also go catatonic i wasnt aware of this til my mum witnessed it multiple times over easter bank holiday. This could either be my Bipolar or a symptom of the FND i dont really know tbh. Ive been dissociating a lot too. And just today i had an hour or so of on and off full body shock like feeling jerks. Oh and sometimes i cannot even swallow my own saliva. In fact this happens a lot. and often leads to me gagging and puking if i cant get to a bin or toilet to stand and spit it out until my body decides it’ll let me swallow again.
My balance and spatial awareness is off too last week i hit into the door twice and now have a giant ass bruise all the way up my arm. it was one day after the other. So that probs made it bruise worse.
Okay this is a long ass post I apologise.
Again I guess ultimately i am explaining this all to you. Because of my anxiety. I always feel like being a writer or creator. Isnt a ‘real’job. or that people will send me hate and nasty comments. Like when around a year ago i was doing comissions some people would message me asking about it. I’d tell them it was a £1 for 5 poems (really undersold my work) and they’d shout at me in caps telling me it should be free or tell me to get a real job. I mean if you’d pay for a poetry book or novel why shouldnt you pay for effecitvely what would have been an ebook of an independent writer?
I just dont want any hate. And i know this post could go either of two ways. Either hate even more for me because it could be seen as a sob story pity guilty trip thing which I REALLY AM NOT trying to do.
Or it could deter potential nasty messages or comments because people might realise oh okay shes legit unable to work rn at least. and she cant even get benefits because my ex psychiatrist is a twothole who hates me and the mentally ill in general.
But who knows.
Link for my Ko-fi is in this whole ass text post just click some where and it’ll show ya.
#please read#read#long post#poetry#poet#poets of tumblr#prsnl#not poetry#support#ko-fi#commissions#comissions#commission#poetry community
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Taking back my life. Chapter 1...
Hi All,
My name is Nathan Militante. Approximately 4 months ago i thought i had it all figured out on what i wanted to do and where i wanted to go in this world. Im here today September 13th 2018 to tell my past self and the other who stumble upon this blog that it hasn't been what i expected. If anything its been the complete opposite of hat Ive wanted. But its funny when i look back on the things i wanted for the future i could never put an actual object to it. I think its always been somewhat of a feeling to obtain. The feeling-of accomplishment, or having done something important in your life, or even knowing that you're on the right path. Also sorry for this whole blog its going to be out of order, I feel its best to just type and let the words flow out, but okay back to the story at hand.
Its the middle of May. Im dressed in my graduation outfit getting ready to proceed through the ceremony. Millions of thoughts racing through my head. Where will i go from here, what will my education look like from this point on, who will i settle down with, will i trip on my way to getting my diploma? As i tried to understand what this day meant i think i started to formulate a plan of action. I think in my mind the idea of a plan always gave me an idea of a direction i wanted to go. And so the day went by and so did the expectation that my plan would develop. But as stated earlier, it didn't...or so i thought.
Speed up to today and I am currently working for Washoe County Health district as a health educator and disease investigator, I am currently living with 3 other of my best pals including my brother, continuing on with my photography, and in love with a girl i get to all my girlfriend. But yet through all that i still feel empty. Why?
You see my whole life has been a “Why”.
Why cant i just afford it
Why cant i just get this right
Why cant this just be easy
Why cant life just catch me a break.
In saying why all the time i realized how much i had yet to accomplish in my life. but why (see i told you) is it that i’m only 23 and stressing about all of this. It feels as if my life up to this point hasn't been much to celebrate about.
Sure college was hard but it wasn't that hard when your going full time and you have friends in college who are there to push you through it?
Sure rent is expensive elsewhere but our house is falling apart sometimes and my roommates drive me crazy.
Sure I can say i love my job but there are those days when i ponder if its all worth the cause.
Sure i love my girlfriend but at times we dont agree with each other and theres things that we dont get along with.
But thats just it...
In one fell swoop if already named of only a fraction of the things i have neglected to be thankful for... but yet i ask why.
Today is September 13th 2018 and im enjoying a nice lunch of grilled chicken, one banana, and a couple raspberries. Did i mention im drinking this gnarly concoction of garlic, lemon, and water to alleviate my blood pressure? 1 day ago I got the news that my depression and anxiety had come back and in turn raised by blood pressure. 6 hours ago i woke up with the idea that my life would never be the same with this diagnosis, 3 hours ago i was taking a walk instead of my usual run hating my life. and 30 minutes ago i was alone in my house pondering that ever so question i have been asking all my life...
Why?
It was only until our house dog looked at me in a way that made me look at myself. Kind of like that thing you do when you're drunk, high, or on cloud 9 in the bathroom and your thinking to yourself how did you get here and will this ever end. Instead the person in the mirror told me to type. type it all type it out and type until there is nothing left to type. And so Im here now typing and wondering where this will lead me. Its weird the idea of typing is actually somewhat exciting and relaxing. Of course i am also listening to the wonderful styings of Joey Pecarro. But as i type all of this out i begin to see what ive been missing or what has been missing for me to understand what i have. I love my life and where its gone so far. I love the process its given me, the challenges its set out in front of me, and the idea thats its only beginning. In doing so its also shown me how much i have to be thankful for.
First off my wonderful girlfriend. This beautiful courageous funny and loving person has been there for me ever since the beginning. Funny story i actually ghosted here pretty badly a couple moths after we had met. I thing the whole thing was because i was scared of what she would think of me. But she pulled me back into our relationship and time and time again she's pulled me back into the place that i belong. I love her immensely and i truly believe that most of my success wouldn't have occurred without her doing. I owe her a-lot and i hope to show even just a fraction of what she has done for me.
Second my friends. Wow dont talk to me unless you find some friends like mine! Ever since i could remember ive always been the type of person to move from group to group. it wasn't to say i didn't like anyone, i just couldn't find that right fit. And then freshmen year of college came along and in that hustle and bustle of university life... i found them. It isn't safe to say that they dont bug me sometimes but its also safe to say that they have saved me and molded me into the person i am today. I never once in a million years would've thought i would end up with these guys but im thankful for them each and every day.
Thirdly (i dont even know if thats a word, sorry not sorry) my family. It cheesy and a platitude to say everyone should be thankful for their own family, but my journey to liking them was somewhat of a rough road. To begin m parents are divorced so having that strain on the family really distanced me from accepting who they were. Another point to establish is that my family is very tradition on how success needs to be measured. Its “you're going to be a doctor” or “why cant you be like the other kids” and even “in life you need to accomplish things by this age.” Hearing those things really put in a position believing that they didn't care much about me. Only the life i was living. But as the years went by they understood me more and the success i wanted to reach the more they supported me and changed their ways. Today i owe a great deal of thanks to them and the foundational skills of hard work they have given me.
Now of course im thankful for so much more but dont want to bore you with that list. Ill just do it another day (haha). But i think to end this story i want to talk a little about what got me to writing this. Again I am terribly sorry about the horrible typos, organization, and all around messiness this passage has to offer but bear with me. tomorrow will be better.
Just as the title says “Taking back my life, chapter 1″, i really do want to take back my life. I suffer from serious bouts of depression and anxiety and for most of my life its been right there in the passenger seat ordering me where to go. But today ive decided to change that. I think today its not about asking why is this happening to me but rather saying to myself “its going to be okay”. Because at the end of the day it will be. But only if its done on my terms and my time. I know things take time and i know il probably have my days where it wont be perfect, but thats okay. i have to start living my life according to me, and not some mental disease. Im scared, stressed, terrified, and sick of what will happen now but those things keep me alive. Its by feeling those things that i know im moving on in the world. Forget a plan and forget trying to understand why something happens. Its time to take back my life and living it day by day with the ones I love. As for this blog i hope to keep updating it about my journey and the things i want to accomplish, the dreams i have, and the memories i make.
Seneccca said
“It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested. But when it is wasted in heedless luxury and spent on no good activity, we are forced at last by death’s final constraint to realize that it has passed away before we knew it was passing. So it is: we are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied but wasteful of it… Life is long if you know how to use it.”
Lastly, Im probably the last person someone with depression should talk to, but if you're out there and reading this and going through something. always know there is always something to be grateful for, someone to always know has your back, something you can always fall in love doing, and something to always look forward to. And if you cant think of anything I will always be there for you.
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something personal
about a month ago i found out something terrifying. i noticed i was gaining weight fast and my body was taking tolls left and right. i was in the stall at forever 21 when i decided a walmart trip was needed. i bought what i needed and ran to the bathroom. i took the most life changing test of my life. i was pregnant. naturally being 18 and not even in a full year relationship with my boyfriend, my best friends’ immediate reaction was “don’t worry you can just get an abortion”. i’m sure in their mind it wasn’t too big of a deal. it’s something with a solution and that was that.
i went to my boyfriends house that night. i told him in person and cried in his arms. he’s 20 years old and we both agreed we never wanted kids. but when i looked at him he was smiling. i felt a blanket of relief. we told a close friend of ours and she agreed to take me to the hospital the following day to confirm. she asked me what i wanted to do with it and told me “its okay” when i said i truly didn’t know.
the pricked my finger and made me pee in a cup. in pennsylvania you cant outright say “im pregnant test me” at your local hospital so i complained about typical symptoms of pregnancy. they tested me for all sorts of things that (thankfully) came back negative. the only positive test was that i was for sure pregant.
next came the questions and appointments. i was on birth control that i started about late october. i didnt take the placebos so i hadn’t had a withdrawal bleed (its what your “period” is while on birthcontrol) so honestly there was no telling how far along i was. i was scared and with so much going on i decided it would be best not to keep it. i scheduled an appointment at planned parenthood for the following friday. i was sure i was at least 6 weeks but i doubted i was any further than 13. unfortunately, pennsylvania law requires you watch an educational video about the abortion process, including risks and alternatives like adoption. i was worried it would be conservative propaganda telling me i’m killing my baby and i’m the worst person alive. thankfully that wasn’t the case but the anxiety leading up to it was terrible. the day of my appointment was the worst. it felt more and more real and while i’ve spent my whole life being pro choice and recognizing the difference between a baby and a clump of cells i still felt guilty. i got my finger pricked, peed in a cup, and finally the invasive ultrasound. they shoved the prong up me with little warning. it hurt like hell and gave me triggers to my r*pe as a child. the woman doing my ultrasound was cold and sounded annoyed as she continued. after 10 minutes of reading the screen, without even glancing at me, she said “you’re 17 weeks so we’ll get you a referal to a different clinc. you’re finished here.” i couldn’t breathe. i cried and gasped for air and i was scared and confused. the refunded me most of my money and sent me on my way. protesters shoved their pamphlets in my face as i left the building. i got to the car and called my boyfriend. we spent the rest of the day at the zoo and the local cat shelter. my boyfriend and our friend tried their hardest to comfort me and make sure i was doing okay.
i called a scheduled my appointment at the new clinic. it would be the following friday and since i was so far along the price went from $530 to a whopping $1400. abortion services aren’t covered by insurance in pennsylvania and theres very little funding. i felt trapped and it felt like a sign. it was another obstacle i had to face for a baby i secretly wanted to keep. i told my two best friends about my feelings on the subject and they both simply said “you cant keep a baby youre too young”. i felt crushed and unsupported, even if they were right. my boyfriend held me as i cried and told me every chance he could get that it was my choice and he would support me no matter what.
a few days before my appointment i got a call from the new clinic. my anesthesiologist couldn’t make it in on my scheduled date and they couldn’t find a replacement. i felt myself snap. i was showing at this point and my body was breaking. i could feel the baby moving inside me and it was starting to feel less like a clump of cells and more like a fetus. my heart was breaking and this made me wish further and further to keep it. unfortunately i had gotten drunk and smoked pot and was on birth control for 3 out of the 4 months i was pregnant so even keeping the baby had so many risks. my boyfriend and i are broke and we have a month long trip planned for out of country in august. there were so many obstacles with both deciding to keep it vs an abortion i was feeling more and more trapped. i rescheduled for a different appointment and it would now be a two day process.
the week approching my appointment was strangling me. i relapsed and cried myself to sleep. i wanted to keep it so badly but i knew i couldn’t live with myseld bringing a baby into my world that wasn’t anywhere near functional or ready. my boyfriend was incredibly supportive and held me while i cried. he promised me he would be here and happy if i decided to keep it. i spent every day at his house and he rubbed my belly and brought me water. he helped me around and gave me vitamins and medicine i needed for nausea and pain. my belly was getting bigger and i resorted to baggy tshirts to hid it from friends and family we didn’t feel comfortable telling. my boyfriend researched everything possible about the risks of abortion, the risks it could have of futher pregnancies, and the risks the baby would face if we kept it. he became a medical genius in a very short amount of time so he could offer me comfort in every paranoid thought that crossed my mind.
three days before my appointment i snapped. keeping the baby was the only thought in my mind. i begged my boyfriend to make the decision for me. i know it sounds unusual and probably wrong but i felt like my opinion was jaded. i was carrying the baby and i’m sure feeling it move made me feel more and more guilty. after hours of talking we officially decided we couldn’t keep it. we were going to try in a few years and be more prepared. we’re do everything right and watch my diet and make sure there was no trace of drugs, alcohol, or nicotine in my system. i felt my heart break a little but i knew our decision was the right one.
day one of my appointment: dilation
*trigger warning: sexual abuse description*
i arrived at the clinic at 8:45am. i spent most of the morning in and out of rooms getting my blood taken, peeing in cups, signing papers, etc. i got my second ultrasound (done normally this time, no invasive stick) and i was 19 weeks and 4 days. paying was a hassle. since they predicted i would be 20 weeks i would’ve gotten funding. my entire procedure would’ve been only $960 but i missed the 20 week mark. total came out to $1260 and unfortunately i had to borrow money from my dad’s girlfriend. after paying i was back to the waiting room. next was going to be dilation. no one had told me how exactly it would happen and what they were going to do but i didn’t think it would be terrible. they called my name and i followed them to the procedure room. i undressed and put on a gown. they laid me on a chair and put my legs up on leg rests. the doctor came in and told me he would be putting his fingers inside me. i was terrified but i was ready. he wasn’t gentle and i really wasn’t taking it well. i started crying but i tried my best not to be obnoxious. (the following im about to describe may be inaccurate because i honestly wasnt told what he was doing but i believe i figured it out by what i was feeling.) next he shoved some device inside me and started opening me so he could insert the dilators. i screamed and cried and the nurse had take my finger out of my mouth because i was so close to biting it off. next were the dilators. one by one he clamped them inside me. before each one he would say “here comes another cramp you’ll be okay” and i could feel my whole body go into shock. i screamed in a way i’ve never heard myself do before and my body took me back. flashes of the r*pe i had gone through when i was 9 flooded my head and i couldn’t take it. when he was finished the nurse walked me into the recovery room, gave me antibiotics, gingerale, pretzels, information on the next 24 hours and sent me home. the rest of the day was spent laying in bed. i had diarrhea and vomiting. i was dizzy and experiencing the worst cramps of my entire life. i didn’t think i would make it through the night.
day two of my appointment: the abortion itself
i got to the clinic. i was scared but really all i wanted was the dilators taken out. i signed the last bit of papers acknowledging the risks and the biggest question “is your decision final?”. i sat in the waiting room and they called me back. they stabbed my arm with a needle seven times unable to catch the vein. they needed to hook me up to an iv. i took some medication and sat in the recovery room for two and a half hours. the chair was uncomfortable and i had no heating pad. peeing was painful and i wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything. finally they called me back and i laid back on the table and i couldn’t stop shaking. my whole body was in shock and never felt my body move so much. i was out immediately and woke up later back in the recovery room. the diaper they put on me wasnt on all the way but i was too out of it to care. i bleed all over the chair and my gown and my lega. i cried asking where my cat and my boyfriend were and i was so exhausted i was in and out of sleep. they gave me antibiotics and gingerale and sent me home. i cried the entire ride home and crawled back into bed blood covered and crying.
this experience has no lesson. there is no beautiful outcome or something to be learned. im physically and mentally damaged from everything and guilt is weighing me down day by day. i hate being around anyone aside from my boyfriend and i want to block out the past month’s events. making the decision to abort isn’t easy and neither is the process. keeping a baby isn’t easy especially when you spent most of your pregnancy intoxicated. i don’t think i will ever truly move forward from this.
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online insurance quotes ireland
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online insurance quotes ireland
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online insurance quotes ireland
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online insurance quotes ireland
online insurance quotes ireland
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I'm leaving USA for about 4 months. What should I do with my car insurance? I don't really wanna pay for insurance because I won't be in the USA. What should I do? need a good advice
Im starting my own roofing company how much would insurance cost me?
im starting my own roofing company , after working for someone els i want to do my own thing and start my own company so i want to know how much would the insurance cost me to get?""
How much is a monthly car insurance in new York ?
I'm leasing a car n I need to know what is the average monthly cost in NYC. Thanks.
Can I insure a car not registered to me?
My 22 year old daughter is in college and on my car insurance currently. She is getting a new/used car. Does it have to be registered and titled to me for me to be able to put it on my insurance? Can it be titled and registered to her and still go on my insurance? Thanks.
Where do I get insurance if I am a driving instructor?
Where do I get insurance if I am a driving instructor?
How much is the average vet visit? and Is it worth it to get pet insurance?
I have inherited a Saint Bernard Puppy (7 months old). We got him 2 days ago and have a vet visit on friday just to get him caught up on shots and the regular wellness exam. I have no idea what to expect as far the cost of the visit will be i'm planning for the $200 range? Am I way off is it going to be more? Also does anyone have pet insurance and if so is it worth looking into? Which one would you recommend? I know alot of questions in one but I just need a little guidance. Thanks for your help.
How much does auto insurance cost for a teenager?
How much does auto insurance cost for a teenager?
What is a good insurance company for a young female driver?
I'm 18 and passed my test about 10 months ago... what would be a good insurance company?I've heard that female only companies can offer cheaper quotes. Also if you can suggest any cars that are easy to insure for a first time driver Thanks
Which of the following are proof of insurance?
i wanted to know is $35,000 cash to dmv, dmv certificate of self-insurance, insurance policy card from car insurance, or all of that is proof of insurance""
I changed my car and the insurance is so expensive?
Hello Everyone, Ive changed my car and I've bought Mazda RX8, the thing is my insurance does not insure these type of car, and they said send us the certificate and we will send you a 3 NCB. I've checked many sites such us moneysupermarket, confused.com etc. and they cheapest quote was 2200 per year. anyone knows how can i get a cheaper insurance for this car ? Thanks""
Proof of insurance for a road test?
i have a road test and the dmv requires a proof of insurance i don't have insurance so does the person im supposed to go with, only my dad has an insurance on the car but he will be away on that day. Can i just go to the dmv and show them my dad's insurance without him being there?""
Is it too easy to get onto disability insurance in the United States?
8,753,935: Workers on Disability Set Another Record in July; Exceed Population of 39 States The number of workers taking federal disability insurance payments hit yet another record in July, increasing to 8,753,935 during the month from the previous record of 8,733,461 set in June, according to newly released data from the Social Security Administration. The 8,753,935 workers who took federal disability insurance payments in July exceeded the population of 39 of the 50 states. Only 11 statesCalifornia, Texas, New York, Florida, Illinois, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan, Georgia, North Carolina and New Jerseyhad more people in them than the number of workers on the federal disability insurance rolls in July.""
Can i get a ticket for no insurance?
Can i borrow my moms car. I have a valid drivers license and her car is insured under her name i'm not on the policy. Can i get a ticket for no insurance if im not on her policy?
Insurance question??
Could i have a vehicle put in my name (because i make the payments).And the insurance in my girlfriends name (because its cheaper) in the state of ky?
Do you think which is better for a 1984 corvette classic car insurance or regular car insurance?
I am planning on getting a 1984 corvette but the insurance for it is a little too high.i just found out about classic car insurance but i really don't know much about it.but for classic car insurance,am i limited to a certain number of things like how far i can drive my car,when i can drive,etc?will the insurance actually be less or more for classic car insurance?and what is the best classic car insurance company i should go with?""
How much will it cost to insure my car?
My cars is a 1987 Vauxhall Astra mk2/Opel Kadett E wagon, with a 1.2 litre engine, developing 80 horsepower. When it gets insured I'll be 17. How much will this cost annually in the UK? Also, the car is left hand drive.""
What insurance company do you have and how much do you pay monthly?
I'm just wondering, I'm about to get my first car (I turn 16 in 2 weeks) and I'm just trying to decide what's the best insurance for me, and I have a job so I'm trying to calculate how much money I'd have to make to be able to pay for insurance+gas. Soo what's your insurance company, how much do you pay a month, and how old are you? thanks guys:)""
""A car hit my car from behind, their insurance is offering me $500, should i take the $500 or wait?""
A car hit my car from behind, their insurance is offering me $500, should i take the $500 or wait and go see a doctor to see if i have any injury which would probably get me more money?""
Got a speeding ticket in friends newly bought car and he didnt have proof of insurance?
so my friend recently bought a car from someone and i drove it and got a speeding ticket in it. do i have to show HIS insurance for the car or that I am insured? and if i do have to show his, then how do i get proof the insurance on the car was being transfered over to his? he already had insurance on his other cars that are his parents.""
online insurance quotes ireland
online insurance quotes ireland
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/new-hampshire-title-insurance-calculator-terry-gray/"
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So I've never ever blogged before but I thought that at this point in my life, it'd be a great thing to start doing. My life's been like a movie, which will be revealed throughout my posts. But a good plot doesn't always make for great reading material, so I actually have useful things to say these days since I am actually doing positive, productive stuff. I am about 2 and a half months clean from a nasty heroin/cocaine/marijuana/pills/ anything addiction and am now living in an Oxford house (a sober living environment) with 6 other recovering addicts. At the moment I'm apart from my two boys and working on getting custody back. How I got to be here is way too lengthy for a post and is more like a novel. It will all be revealed over time, my goal is just to help other people who are in early recovery who are more than likely having the same thoughts as me.
This is something I wrote the second time in detox:
“ That fog, that prick, that glory. The glamour, the tears, the carnage, that mighty hammer. Can I say goodbye to you forever? How will it be when I can't know you? I'll miss you like air, like love, like cake. The bang, the set up, the injection. The cover, the clouds, my mother. So good to me, so serene and tempting. Counting and hoping with doubt dear in the back of my mind. I need the shit but I don't need the shit. Seven days is seven days, seven ways to say goodbye. Seven ways to want to die. Seven ways to wanna to wanna stay high”.
Here are some more journal entries before I got clean
"Ironically, the things i use to fill th emptiness inside are actually pulling me deeper and deeper into isolation,loneiness, and more of the emptiness."7 AM 10/24/2017
9:43 pm
"I know I've been needing to change here soon or it was gonna be forced on me. I guess that time is now and I cant seem to face it. Why would a drug addict EVER want to face their problem with drugs?That's why I use in the first place-to ease the feelings of dealing with stuff. Rehab being pushed on me, and I feel like that wont even be able to fix me. I really dont think that is going to fix the person ive become. I went from 0 to 60 in a matter of months. Every day when i wake up its the first thing i think about.The hold has gotten so strong in my mind over just this past year ive just evolved into this....girl i dont' know.I have to stop and get high just writing this stuff down. Its intense. Its the end of the world when i run out of drugs or money....Right now and pretty much all day it just feels like no amount of drugs are enough. Nothing is satisfying my itch. I cant stop."
I don't even know where to begin with my story so ill just tell it as my entries progress. I felt compelled to share my life as Im deaing with my recovery. I'm 2 months clean at this point and can say i definitey wake up happier, i have a little money in my pocket, an actual job and not shaking my booty on a pole for dollars anymore. Yet, I still deal with feelings of emptiness and strong cravings for drugs at some point in the day. I don't want this pain to be in vain. If im feeling this way, then theres bound to be others experiencing the same thoughts and feelings (or lack thereof of feelings). Will these feelings always be there? What is this separation i feel from the world and others sometimes all day everyday? They say if you get cravings and dont use, you're not reinforcing those cravings so eventually they will chill out. Its been over 2 months since ive put a needle in my arm and there's something inside me that refuses to be happy until i'm numb. I mean i can be happy and there are times im actually joyful, yet when things die down and i'm alone or doing something that puts me in my head, i panic inside and wish to God i had a substance to run to. Its like when you have sex on ecstasy, it's ruined when you do it sober. My brain knows that theres something out there that can make me feel unbelievable and leave these thoughts and feelings behind if only for 5 minutes. I tell myself its not that great, look where it lead me to, im stroger than that and dont need it. But do i listen? Hell no. Thats the thinking that got me in this place at the beginning. Self-destruction, my other disease. I just want to enjoy what life has to offer without being a slave to STUFF. I have way more fun these days for sure, i put myself around people who don't use and are positive. But sometimes when i just even pass by a gas station or a Wal Mart, it triggers me because ill This was me last year, completely paralyzed with a relentless heroin and cocaine addiction. I think, "I bet there are people copping here right now...damn i wish i were them" I cant be sane. I died from the stuff 4 times which isn't even that much compared to other addicts ive talked to, and even died in front of my 9 year old over Skype one night and scarred him for life im sure. Yet i still miss this stuff like someone may miss an abusive ex. I have to make my mind stop glamourizing the awful lifestyle i was living and accept the fact that i'm no longer that person and to move on.
My story is seriously fucked up i look back and cant believe i lived through it in every sense of the word. I dont even know the best place to start.
But its whatever, I mean, I figured out last night whats wrong with me. I'm an in betweener- like i don't want to be doing this sober and clean thing but i have to for my children. All i do all day is crave drugs so badly. I was at a meeting last night and someone said that you have to want to stay clean, you have to do everything in your power to and put as much into it as you put into getting high. And it hit me that I feel im not ready to do this but i'm being forced to grow up and deal with my demons- no drugs included. I met someone last night and we had this amazing conversation and she made me feel so good about myself. Before i couldn't pin point why i still fantasize and dream about getting high but its because i wasn't at a time yet in my life where i was ready to quit. i still have some juice left in me. i guess becoming a dancer and being homeless didnt put me at my bottom just yet but that should be the bottom for anybody. i was selling my soul basically for drugs. it was awful it would make anyone feel some type of way. but it was the only way to support my habit and sometimes even that wasn't enough. my story's crazy my friend last night said it sounded like a movie. Its a movie i didn't want to play the lead role in. ive gone through some crazy awful shit the past 2 years alone.
Things are getting more and more interesting by the day, there is never a dull moment up in here.I’ll definitely keep you updated on the craziness. Just know you’re not alone, we’re all in this together.
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