#i cant keep pretending that nothings wrong or nothings changed.. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pinkandpurple360 · 4 months

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Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you’re projecting onto Fizz a lot regarding the whole “he needs to go back to the circus” thing. Like I don’t know you, I don’t know your story, but it’s something that’s not really a part of Fizz’s story at all in canon. He’s moved on. That doesn’t mean he can’t interact with anyone other than Ozzie ever again (some fans make them WAY too codependent). But I don’t think it’s healthy for him/you to dwell on that.

There’s no “right way” to say something as rude and silly as this to somebody, because I have a headcanon or theory about a show that you don’t like, lol? Are you trying to embarrass me into shutting up?

I cant get to the bottom of why the fandom wants to pretend that he isn’t from that place, you want to pretend it never happened and is never mentioned again. Ever. Why? Is he too clean for such a dirty past of poverty? Do you not want to see him have a single positive connection to his past. Or did it all mean nothing and Ozzie fixed it all. Maybe I don’t know your story but could you be running from your past, hiding from the people from it, and projecting onto fizz 🙃/j

Another case of ‘arguing against something I didn’t say’ disease…that’s one thing that infuruates me.

I dont want him to go back to them forever and to leave Asmodeus and move in with them💀 I want him to have conversations with the people who for all intents and purposes, are his family. So we can see what the dynamic was like and how it changed. Hell, even if it’s Cash Buckzos funeral and we see the whole troupe reunited and talking to each other for the event. Then getting into it about who all his money should go to, cause the twins don’t want it, or something. Loonas family/parents also left her. That doesn’t mean we should never see a scene where she meets them and speaks to them.

Just look at these characters from the past. Five jester clowns who look almost exactly like Fizz does now. The difference is their hats have the original logo, fizz has a heart. Hey, maybe he still keeps one of his jester hats with the old logo on it which he keeps hidden away in the back of the wardrobe, gathering dust, but he doesn’t toss it out. Like you seem to think he should. Because not every memory is bad, and that’s ok. Pretending you don’t have a past and don’t have any relatives or memories, that is what’s unhealthy anon.

Isn’t there a part of you that would be interested to see him finally not feel like he’s completely out of place and feel like he’s one of them and they aren’t lost forever like he thought? He keeps saying how much he’s lost, over and over in Oops and his song. And in Mammons, it’s painfully obvious that him losing his entire home family and life in a horrible accident, is what makes him so afraid to “lose” (—it all again) The second life he built. You’re acting like he’s not lost anything. And isn’t even traumatised anymore cause he has Ozzie. Cause uh, lemme tell you that’s not how trauma works.

Wouldnt it be nice. Just once. For there to be a typical family moment where he’s mistaken for and called by one of their names by accident? And he laughs and is happy, because that’s not something that ever happens? He doesn’t feel like he sticks out so much? Heck I ship him with Blitzø and I’d never want for Blitzø to be the one and only person who ever mattered to him back then. That’d be strangely isolating. Acting like he has no past kills his story.

You guys are really…really weird and defensive about me wanting him to talk about his past, look back on it, actually show us him mourning it even. It’s not going to threaten fizzarozzie. Calm down. You’re literally pretending where he grew up, where he was injured, and who raised him from a child isn’t an important part of his story. Only Asmodeus is?? Wtf. That’s actually ridiculous. Do you also never want Barbie or Blitzø to ever ever dare speak of it again? Cause it isnt part of their story?

#helluva boss critical #fizzarolli #the circus topic

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suzakushimon · 10 months

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being a gacha game protag liker is such a fucking pain bc chances are they do have visuals and a base personality and interesting lore but the game has to keep them kinda blank/minimize their appearances as an individual character for the self-insert crew. but that means when the protag inevitably progresses through the story and meets tons of characters and changes their lives canonically, the fandom will straight up pretend it doesnt happen bc they view everything involving the mc as "catering to the self-inserters", and then theyll take the character-mc relationship that led to character A's development and attach it to character B or pretend character A magically did that by themself bc they dont like the protag. and then theyll go crazy w their ships and found family tropes with those 2 characters so that they can pretend the protag doesnt exist. i mean go off i guess but how are u gonna ignore the main fucking story???? it literally revolves around the protag. they dont have to be a self-insert if u dont want them to be💀💀💀 "ooooooh they dont have personality" WRONG u fucking weakling YOU are supposed to GLEAN THEIR PERSONALITY FROM THE STORY AND THE CHOICES THE GAME OFFERS U. its not like theyre standing there doing nothing all the time or the story wouldnt proceed!! how did they react to canon event a and b??? how do they talk to other characters??? what do they think of other characters, what do other characters think of THEM? just bc u cant read first person pov without inserting urself into the pov character doesnt mean the pov character has no existing personality💀 ITS A YOU PROBLEM. READ BRO READ

#my mumbles

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slashingdisneypasta · 6 months

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Commander Lyle Rourke x SecondLieutenant!Lover!Reader || Drabble

Plot: You're being honourably discharged and Rourke tries to cut you loose like a military man. Clean, swift, easy. He doesn't want to miss you at all.

He tries.

"One day, you'll choke on it." "Goddamnit."

Warnings: Angst and smut mentions. Unedited.

"Calm down. Its not like we were in love, darlin'."

As soon as those unsurprisingly cruel words crawl out of Rourke's mouth, his heavy and measured drawl like a knife to the gut that makes you stop short in your spot. Your eye widen and your lips part and for a moment you cant think of one single word to utter back to him; all you can feel is heartbroken.

Rourke's never surprised, you know that. But he certainly wasn't expecting that look on your face. Because you didn't realise it was anything near love, either- not until he said that. And you felt something in you snap.

His mouth is still tight, a tooth-pick tucked into his teeth and his eyebrows permanently furrowed but you see his fists clench at his sides. That tells you he's not completely unbothered by what's breaking between you two, but in true Rourke-fashion he still doesn't allow it to show. Like nothing bothers him. Sniffling, you look crossly to the side; you think you'd be unable to look at him, without screaming. Surely he cant keep that up forever. He has to break over this. He's going to miss you, you know it.

"I cant even believe... " The words lip out of you at a whisper, before you clear your throat and speak up. "Maybe... maybe we didn't date. You didn't introduce me to anyone with your hand on my back or- or tucking my hair behind my ear. Maybe we ate together over maps and campfires, not at restaurants. And we had to pretend we've never seen each other naked,.. But I've been your second lieutenant for years, and it was something. You know it. And to- to belittle it like that- I just- God- " You have to stop talking. You have to stop. So you hold a hand over your mouth and take a deep breath, closing your eyes and counting to ten. You cant even describe how terrible him saying those words is, you cant put it into words.

After a moment, Rourke gives a put-on sigh, and shrugs. "... Look, sweetheart, you were a good squeeze, don't get me wrong. I'm gonna miss you." Wincing at his disingenuous words, you fight to stay quiet. "But its over, now, alright? You're bein' discharged, which means we aint gonna see each other anymore. Here," Rourke raises his large hand before your eyes, assumedly for you to shake- a small sincere gesture, but its too little and too late. Giving another sniffle, you once again look away; a stubborn and sad look on your face. "Its been nice."

" -its been nice!?" You snap immediately, turning viciously back to him with a fire in your eyes. 2 years of seeing each other every day, going through the motions of everything together and sleeping together-- was 'nice'!?

"Well, yeah." He's still seeming unimpressed; pretending like nothing bothers him, and you're starting to realise that that's not going to change. You cant teach an old dog new tricks.

"Rourke- I- " Finally, you take a deep breath in through your nose; and let it out. You try to let out all your feelings for him, too. Doesn't work too well. "Fine. Deal with this... however you want. If you wanna leave it like this, enjoy. I don't- I don't care." You do, you do, you do, though!- The wobble at your lips gives you away. He definitely sees it, the frown on his mouth getting tighter and the furrow in his brows becoming deeper at the sight. "... But you know what you're giving up. One day, you'll choke on it."

With that, you turn on your heel and storm off, never wanting to see him again. You make it to the door, your fist tight around the doorknob and ready to swing it open them slam it closed again when you hear his voice behind you.

"Goddamnit."

You're fighting against the urge to turn around and find out what that means, fighting to keep going and put him as far behind you as you possibly can, when that choice is taken from you. A large hand wraps around your wrist and you're turned back around manually. You watch him flick the toothpick off to the side and before you know it, Rourke draws you in close and your eyes fall shut out of instinct and he seals his lips with yours in a deep, passionate kiss.

Its a better kiss then you have ever shared before; its not a desperate stolen tongue-kiss because no one else is looking, its not a slow dirty lead-up to sex, its not a peck on the forehead that you pretend didn't happen because it was too close- too soft- too affectionate.

Its a lovers kiss. Neither racing towards a finish nor nervous at all. Just a kiss, between two people who have done it a million times before. It says i love you.

When he pulls back, theirs a huskiness in his voice as he glares at you with his eyes; a gentle contradictory smirk on his mouth an inch away. "... hold on, there. You drive a hard bargain, ex lieutenant, and I gotta give it a think."

#a little something #Commander Lyle Tiberius Rourke x Reader Drabble #Commander Lyle Rourke x Reader Drabble #Commander Rourke x Reader Drabble #Rourke x Reader Drabble #Commander Lyle Tiberius Rourke x Reader #Commander Lyle Rourke x Reader #Commander Rourke x Reader #Commander Rourke #Commander Lyle Rourke #Commander Lyle Tiberius Rourke #Drabble

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marinetteplztakeabreak · 1 year

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Putting my thoughts under a cut because I have so many feelings, but I am going absolutely feral with love for kagami right now. I am winning so much

She wants to be able to win love, to train and study until she grab at it with her hands and knows without a shadow of a doubt that it is Hers and that she is Worthy of it

She aches for anyone who will love her,,,, who will need her like they need to breathe, who will fight and claw their way to being loved like she does,

Someone who will pursue her with so much unstable, explosive devotion that they would burn the entire world down to keep her warm,

Because that? That is the kind of fierce, agonizing love that she feels, that burns and simmers and crackles in her chest, that refuses to be stifled, refuses to cool down or be quieted

And she’s tried so hard to change herself, to communicate, to be brave enough to be honest about the ugly parts of her heart she can’t suppress

But still, no one ever returns it, not the way she craves

So many people tell her she’s incredible, so strong, so brave. Her mother tells her she’s a good shiny trophy, her friends say that nothing could ever come between them

And that’s nice! That’s so sweet! And she WANTS it to be enough.

But it doesn’t change how much it hurts. Doesn’t change the dissatisfaction, the cold truth that even if they love her as much as they could love anyone, they don’t feel the same way she does

They wouldn’t drop everything and break every tie they had for her if she cried. they wouldn't immediately change their entire worldview to fight by her side even if they knew she was wrong, they wouldn't risk their life and their future and their honor to scream to the world how in love they were,,,,

and she KNOWS thats unrealistic

but she also knows she WOULD do that for them,,,,

and as much as she tries to tone it down,,,,

as much as she tries to accept that her own love language is built on a foundation of years of trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms and desperation and pain and terror,,,,,

she still CANNOT stop loving in her “so-intense-it-is-violent-and-sharp” way ,,,,,

shes so scared she’ll lose the friendships she DOES have because she cant even LOVE in a Caring, Trusting, way,,,,

but the love is just too strong to hold back,,,,

she’d rather cling so tight she rips her relationships to shreds than pretend to be unaffected when shes NOT.

And yet she STILL tries SO SO hard to be soft and tender and understanding. because she WANTS her friends to be happy. she never wants to burden them or hurt them ever ever ever,,,,,,,

she just doesnt know what to do with all the love in her heart

And I have always known this, have spent over four years of my life with her in the back of my mind, trying to figure out a way to give her closure and peace. Imagining how to weave s narrative where she learns how to be herself while also accepting others, where she learns how to trust and love without constant fear

And words cannot describe how DELIGHTED i am right now. I feel so STUPID for missing it, but I’m not even mad because I’m too busy jumping up and down with glee

The answer was so simple ,,,,, she CAN have it all actually,,,,, just give her the worlds most unstable supervillain boyfriend,,,, someone who will go “omg your mom made you sad, do you want me to kill her for you?” And not wait for an answer

This could not be more ideal. Im thriving more than I ever have. Love wins. And so does incredible violence and rage!!!! So proud of my girl, proving me wrong,,,, living her wildest fantasies.

I love you feligami,

#ml spoilers #miraculous ladybug #feligami #felix fathom #kagami tsurugi #ml s5 spoilers #ml emotion #ml pretension #ml kagami #ml felix

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strwberri-milk · 1 year

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I Know You'll Always Love Me (And I Wish It'd Be Enough)

Ex!Kaeya x AFAB!Reader || Smut, Angst no Comf || 2 825 words

additional tags: vaginal sex, blowjobs, mildly toxic relationship (you and kaeya are broken up but regularly fuck and its not good for either of you)

Forever was a promise that you made to him. You just didn't realise how much this version of forever could hurt.

a/n: idk why but theres smth about this,,,the mutual pining, the hurt, the "i love you so much and thats why im letting you go" and anyway this is kaeyas bday fic bc if i cant be happy on mine neither can he /lh there is a chance i write a second part bc i like happy endings but,,,,,

A buzz interrupts your nightly routine, your breath caught in your throat as you know exactly what that means.

The moon is high in the sky, slipping through your curtains to land on your bedside table. Your phone is alight with a message, another buzz reminding you that someone on the other end expects an answer. It isn’t until your phone is in your hand and you’re reading the text that you realise you’re already texting back, that lump in your throat refusing to go.

As soon as the text sends you know you’ve only got a short amount of time to prepare, that churning in your stomach both anxiousness and excitement. You know how much it’ll hurt to go through with this, to let him back in even for this brief encounter but you need him here, even if it’s just to pretend that things are the same and nothing’s changed.

The doorbell doesn’t even ring, the only word of warning you get is a turning of the knob as you remind yourself for the nth time you need to take his key back. You turn to the door of your bedroom, immediately engulfed in a familiar warmth you wish you could forget. His kisses are desperate against your skin, nails digging into your body as his heavy breathing drowns out your other thoughts.

“Kaeya,” you gasp against his lips, letting him swallow your moans as he only gets more frantic.

Kaeye doesn’t say anything, only pushing you down onto your sheets. Immediately, his grip brings your legs to wrap around his waist, pulling your core to rub up against his. Your hands push against his chest with a whimper, making him stop and look at you. His eye is unfocused, evidence of his arousal beginning to poke against your wettening entrance.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks, already beginning to withdraw from your body.

“No!” you cry out, pulling him back on top of you.

You miss him so much, wanting nothing more than for him to look at you the way he used to. This is the only way you’ll get him now, and you’re disgusted with yourself for it. You can only have him under the cover of night, blanketed by desire at his behest.

But you know there’s no way you can say no to him.

“Then what’s wrong?”

There’s no warmth in his voice, nothing like the man you used to know. Instead, there’s just a stranger in his body, someone who’s been long done with you but the body is so comforting you need it to take you. You shake your head and pull him back down, slotting your lips together.

“I just wanted to breathe a bit,” you lie easily, knowing by the way his fingers twitched that he didn’t believe you.

He only shakes his head before continuing, positioning your body to sit better against his lap as he begins to rut against your body. You can feel his erection growing against you, reaching down to touch him only to have your hand swatted away.

“Don’t worry about me,” he says in a way that could almost be seen as caring. “If I want you to be ready then I’ll have to focus on you before myself.”

Even now he was still giving to you, the sick and twisted irony being that he took everything from you when he left. That, or he just didn’t want to let himself melt into your arms to keep this cordial distance between you two. Whatever the answer is, you decide it doesn’t matter as much as his fingers against your wet slit does, biting your bottom lip as he begins to tease you.

“I missed this,” he whispers almost reverentially, slowly beginning to sound more like the man you used to know.

You keen into his touch, letting him do with you as he wishes, totally unaware of what’s going on in his mind.

Kaeya’s quickly becoming obsessed with your body once again, loving the way he fits into his so smoothly. He knows everything that makes you feel good, how you’ll squeeze so tightly around his fingers if he crooks them up a certain way or even just kisses you with just the right amount of pressure. Your breath against his collar drives him insane in a way he thinks you’ll never know and imperceptibly, his grip around your body tightens.

He doesn’t need to hear your noises to know that he’s right where you need him to be, only mildly listening just in case he hurts you. All of what he does is purely muscle memory, his mind never able to fully wean itself off of you during the countless hours he spends alone. The only thing he can do to make the ringing in his ears stop is to kiss you like this, hold you like this, pull his fingers out of your pussy to take your bottoms off for you like this.

You get the sense that he’s moving faster than he normally would. Maybe he’s busy in the morning, or perhaps he has someone else he’s wanting to see. The thought makes you pause, tears beginning to spring to your eyes.

In an instant, you feel yourself being pulled up and into his lap. Kaeya sits himself against the headrest of your bed, putting your face in the junction between his shoulder and jaw. You’re acutely aware of the fact that you won’t be able to look at him like this, wanting nothing more than to make him see what he’s putting you through but knowing that if he wants to avoid it he will. He doesn’t say much as you cry silently, only threading his fingers through your hair.

Normally, the rise and fall of his chest would soothe you but now you can’t feel anything but anger. Anger at him, at some imaginary date he has, at the fact that you somehow managed to let him slip through your fingers as though he meant nothing when it was the furthest thing from the truth. You don’t know if he knows how much you love him, how much you feel like you need him.

Instead, he just keeps you close against his body, sighing as you cry into him. After a few minutes he clears his throat.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“Stay,” you mumble, bringing your hand down to his crotch.

He’s gotten soft but you know it’ll take you no time to get him back to his previous hardness. You crawl out of his lap, watching his expression carefully. When he shows no sign of saying no to you, you begin to palm at him before pulling him out of his pants, taking his hiss of satisfaction in stride when he throws his head back against the wood.

“Just until we’re done. Just stay until then, then you can go,” you convince him, letting his fingers tangle themselves back into your hair.

Your pace is slow, soothing his racing thoughts and pounding heart as you bob up and down on his length. Every move you make is practiced, down to the way you swallow around his thick girth to the teasing laps of your tongue when you pull off of him at the ache beginning to form at your jaw. You take pride in the way his hips buck into your mouth and let him guide your pace soon afterwards, looking up at him through your lashes.

Kaeya wishes he could look away but you’re the picture of sin like this, mouth drooling over his shaft and balls. You look like there’s nowhere you’d rather be but between his thighs. His dick twitches with each descent your mouth makes, savouring the slight gagging noises you make against him.

“Fuck - I’m gonna cum,” he warns, words turning into moans as you take him down your throat all at once.

The noises that come from your mouth just get lewder, his eyes rolling into the back of his head at the sight of your hand sneaking between your thighs to touch yourself at his groans. He wishes it were him between your legs, hard dick thrusting roughly into your spent hole that he knows he needs more and more of. He wants nothing more than to rut into you like an animal, neglect all of his needs if it means you’ll whine his name so prettily it makes his head spin. The thought of it makes him cum deep down your throat, his voice almost drowning out the sound of you choking on his cum. He continues to lazily thrust into your mouth, the aftershocks of his orgasm making his muscles twitch.

You sit up when he’s done, wiping the corner of your mouth and licking off the cum that comes off it with a cheeky grin, making his heart skip a beat. He huffs slightly, removing his pants and you know what that means.

Without any prompting from him you turn around and rest your head on your forearms, arching your back and spreading your thighs so his hungry eye can take in your soaked arousal. You didn’t get to cum earlier, not properly anyway. The look on his face as he was fingering you was too distracting to focus on the way he felt, ruining any true sense of pleasure you could have derived from it. Besides, this way you don’t have to see him and he doesn’t have to see you. You know that’s why he likes it this way, at least that’s why he likes it now.

Before, he was obsessed with feeling you up, wanting to watch your ass jiggle as he pulled you onto his cock. If you really got him riled up he’d pull you up, pull his arms through and under your knees as he repeatedly fucked up into you while whispering sweet nothings into your ear. It was intimate, warm. It made you feel loved.

Now, it was a way for him to use you without seeing you. A way to continue building that wall up between you two and you didn’t mind. If it meant that just for a second you could pretend he was looking at you like you were the greatest thing he could have then you would take it. You would take all of him over and over again if it meant you got to hang onto your delusions.

“Now, what are you doing like that? Turn around so I can see you,” he purrs, taking you by surprise.

You remain still, unsure of what to do. He sighs, grabbing you by your hips and turning your body over. Sprawled out on your back like this he gives you no room to escape his body, teasing his cock between your pussy lips with a self satisfied smirk.

“Well, look who’s ready for me. I can fuck you, can’t I?” he asks cockily.

Your nod grants him entrance, arching your back as the delicious stretch of his cock entering your body makes your mind numb.

This. This is what you’ve missed.

The look on his face of rapture as he feels you squeeze around him, the way he kisses you like he loves you, the way he can’t breathe without moaning into your skin, the way his hips slowly thrust into you as he waits for you to adjust to his size. All of it makes even more tears spring to your face but this time he doesn’t stop.

Instead, he just brushes his fingers against your eyes. Tenderly, your tears are wiped away and you can’t help but keen more into his touch as you grow even more desperate for him to touch you more. You need more of this intimacy you know he can give you, whining into his lips as he kisses you to keep you quiet.

“Kaeya, Kaeya – please don’t tease me like this,” you pant against him, bucking your hips to tell him to move faster.

“Come on, you really think I’m that easy?” comes his smooth response.

Your nails dig into the sheets, not knowing if he’ll let you hold him. It’s all you can do not to mark his body, terrified that one misstep would lead to him cutting you out of his life entirely. That’s something you don’t want to gamble with, knowing that once this transactional relationship is done you’ll become nothing but a mere shell of yourself.

All your efforts are in vain when he wraps his arms around your body, holding you tight against his chest. You cling onto him like he’s your lifeline and as far as you’re concerned he is. He doesn’t brush off your touch this time, letting your nails scratch down his back when his pace picks up. The grinding of his hips against your body in this position stimulates every part of you that he reaches, only making your noises become that much more desperate.

Your senses are filled with him, pleasure mixing with an intense sadness that this will soon be over. That soon enough he’ll be gone and the only thing that will be left to warm your sheets is a memory of him that only cares when it suits him. As your focus wanes, his intensifies, refusing to let you slip away.

He pins you back down against the bed, pulling your hands off of him just to thread your fingers together and keep them above your head. It forces you to look at him as he fucks you, navy locks falling down to frame his handsome features as he starts to ram into you. His dick brings you back to the present and you’re no longer holding back any of your noises. You know your voice is going to go hoarse with the way you’re screaming for him but you don’t know anything else when your brain is muddled like this, letting him slot his lips between yours when you cum around him.

Kaeya feels you clench around him, pretending that the tears on your face don’t bother him as much as they actually do. It’s the only reason he can think of to hold back from the pleasure that threatens to overtake him, knowing that once he cums it’ll all be over. That he has no reason to stay here anymore, that for your own sake he needs to leave. It doesn’t matter that he’s clearly saying the right things for you, thrilled at the way your body reacts to his voice and if it weren’t for his own actions he’d be able to take his time and tease you to his heart’s content.

Instead, he’s rutting into you like a wild animal, burying his moans into your neck as you cum with cries of his name. There’s little room for him to focus on those mundane feelings, the one’s he can reflect on in the comfort of his cold bed. Now, he can focus on you, focus on the way his body needs you, the release that he’s been craving all day satiated as he cums deep inside of you. Your breathless noises make his cock twitch wanting to indulge in you over and over again despite knowing he won’t.

The encounter comes to an end, the unspoken rule between the two of you ever since your explosive fight coming into effect. Neither person says anything they’ll regret. Neither person asks for the other to stay.

He wordlessly cleans the two of you off, finishing with a soft kiss to your lips. You’ve grown to expect it now, unsure if it’s because he’s so used to showering you with aftercare or because it’s a fissure of his facade. You don’t let him go as soon as he pulls back, instead chasing his lips to deepen the kiss. When he responds in kind you’re shocked, but you want to milk it for as much as you can, closing your eyes as you cup his face in your hands.

When you both part to breathe you take a minute to just look at him, melting into his being and speaking without thinking.

“I love you.”

The three words hang heavily in the air, dread flooding your chest as you try to figure out how to remedy the situation. He sighs in your panic, shaking his head and pulling back from you. The tears spring to your eyes again and you wish that you could do something rather than just cry as he gets dressed and ready to go. You watch as he’s about to walk through the door, turning back just to glance at you.

“I know you do.”

And with that he’s gone, every trace that he was once here taken with him again.

And with that, you collapse into yourself again, knowing that you’ll do anything if it means seeing him again, just for a minute.

#kaeya x reader #kaeya smut #kaeya alberich x reader #genshin x reader #genshin smut

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goldenempyrean · 1 year

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Empyrean’s Advent: Day 23

Prompt: “What had gotten into that nose of yours?”

Pairing: Sick Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Wordcount: 933

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‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿ ‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

“Sometimes your irresponsibility is worrying Natasha.” You chided, shaking your head as you stood aside to let a soaked Natasha enter your apartment before you began to lecture her some more, “Imagine walking all the way here in this storm. Its pouring down outside! You’re not even wearing anything warm either. It's like Im looking after a clueless child!”

Natasha rolled her eyes, in times like this it was better to just stay silent and let you finish your rant, it was easier then arguing over something pointless, “I know, Im sorry.”

You took a moment to take a deep breath as you closed the door behind her, “Just don’t do it again, okay? If you would’ve called, I could’ve come and picked you up.”

“Yeah, yeah. It won't happen again darling.” She promised, winking as she pulled you towards her, pressing several quick kisses to your face.

You followed as she set her bags down in the hallway, pretending not to notice as she left small puddles of water behind her, “You might wanna get changed,” You gestured to the wet clothes which tightly hugged her body, “I have some spare clothes in my drawers, go and get changed.” There was no room to argue, and you left her with a final tender kiss before she went off to go and change.

Five minutes later Natasha comes back to find you in the kitchen chopping some vegetables, and she gives you a small twirl, showing you the clothes that she's changed into; She's now wearing one of your big, cosy-looking sweater along with a pair of sweatpants and her wet hair is now tidied back into a ponytail, “This better?”

“Oh, that’s much better.” You smiled approvingly, seeing Natasha wear your clothes had always been one of your guilty pleasures so you didn’t stop yourself from watching as she sat herself down on a stool close by, “You wanna help cook? Im making some stir fry for us.”

“Oh sure,” Nat says as she stands from the stool, only when she stands, Natasha stumbles forward slightly, lightly bumping her hip against yours before regaining her composure, “Oops, sorry. Want me to take over here?”

Strange. Usually, she had perfect balance and you felt yourself pausing for a moment before handing her the knife you had been using, “Oh, yeah, just chop these up for me?”

You watched with some uncertain hesitance as Nat began to slice up the remaining vegetables, you didn’t know what it was, but something seemed off however after watching her for another minute nothing else seemed to be wrong and you let your notion go. That was until Nat started trying to muffle a cough into the sleeve of your sweater, failing miserably at keeping it discreet.

Going to the sink and pouring her a glass of water was your way of asking if she was alright, to this she responded, “Im fine, my throats just a little scratchy.”

A deep frown paints your face as her hacking cough persists. "You don't very sound fine."

“How about you go and sit at the table sweetie, I can finish up here” You offered, your eyes lingering on her, searching for a trace of resistance before she eventually gives in and drops her shoulders in defeat as she shuffles over towards the table in the corner of the room.

It wasn’t long before you plated everything up and came to sit alongside Natasha at the table, delivering a plate of steaming food infront of her.

“This looks amazing.” Natasha admired as she took a bite, “Mm! It tastes great too, you’re a great cook.”

You felt yourself blush a little at the praise, “I cant take all the credit, I had a great helper.”

Both you and Nat continued to share your meal, making casual small talk as you ate. It was only after you’d finished eating and had began to help Nat wash the dishes that you noticed something was off again. As Nat stood over the sink, you’d noticed the small sniffles coming from her direction - at first they had been irregular but they had grown to be rhymthic and predictable.

Until they stopped and Natasha went silent. You had turned to face her, wondering if something was wrong when her eyes had suddenly gone wide and her face twisted into an expression you recognised instantly.

“Hhup’tshhiew! Hh’iishiew!”

You laughed as you blessed her only to stop when Nat raised a hand to quieten you, her eyelashes fluttering wildly.

“Hh'ishiew! Hheh'tktoo! Hh-HuhS’CHIEW!”

“Oh baby, what had gotten into that nose of yours?” You cooed, putting down the cloth you’d been using to dry dishes before coming up beside her, your arm coming to link around her waist. It was then that she shivered slightly under your touch, “Are you alright?”

“Im fine Y/N.” She tried to wave off your concern but it did little to ease your worry, especially when she had to turn away from you to muffle a sickly-sounding cough into her elbow, “Its probably just something in the air bothering me.”

You hummed, not feeling quite satisfied with her answer, especially since noticing the small, dark circles which had gradually grown beneath her eyes, “People who are fine don’t usually sneeze about a hundred times.”

At your exaggerated claim Natasha rolled her eyes, “You’re so dramatic.” But she didn’t protest as you began to guide her towards your bedroom, only stopping to grab the big fuzzy blanket which usually hung over the back of your sofa.

“You love me anyway.”

“Of course I do.”

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#sickfic #snzfic #Natasha Romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x fem!reader #natasha romanoff x gn!reader #sick!natasha romanoff x reader #blackwidow x reader #blackwidow x y/n #natasha romanoff x y/n #natasha romanoff sickfic #natasha romanoff whump #natasha romanoff fluff #Empyrean’s Advent

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royalwriteroftheuniverse · 2 years

Text

Johnny and the Revenge

REBLOGS & CoMMENTS WELCOME don't repost or publish or translate anywhere

Thanks to bratz

Warning: none its just angst and fluff but I always put 18+ out are responsible for what you read

Reblogs

"Hey"

"Not in the mood Johnny"

"What's with you"

"I'm having a bad day ok save your stupid comments and save your pick ups for someone else."

I looked at the floor not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset. Sometimes we did have playful banter but sometimes he was an absolute jerk

"What happened who hurt you?"

I scoffed,"Leave me alone Johnny"

"I'm trying to be your friend here"

"Yea well thats the problem my friends suck."

He just stared at me. :I felt like he was looking me up and down."

"Is that all I get."

"Its more than you deserve"

"Hey I-"

"Don't want to be a notch on your bedpost" "Johnny"

"Hey I'm not your seem really upset I'm genuinely trying to be nice."

"Well my friend basically strung me along and then treated me like shit. I'm wondering if it was all a joke to her and her actual friends to just embarrass me involving me inviting me to something important and then uninviting me last minute."

"Ouch" his eyebrows furrowed a bit and as I continued my explanation his kind smile turned into a tight lip scowl.

"Yea I didnt even know I was uninvited so I asked her where I was and I dont know it seemed like a pity invite to the ceremony and the after reception party. "So I just I"

Oh screw it I thought "I don't have many friends and I really thought she I don't know."

Hi jaw ticket as his eyes roamed my face he took a second but right before I went to walk away he stopped me.

"I totally get that you want to ya know just wallow with zone with fuzzy socks and blankets watching a movie with cherry ice cream but-"

How the hell does he know what I like to do

"How about revenge instead?"

"Johnny as much as I'm mad at her I dont want to hurt her. As much as I hate to admit it I still care about her."

"It's not hurting her its showing her how," he thought "I wanna word this right- awesome you are."

"I'm listening."

"Bring me as your date."

"Johnny"

"No. No. Hey I promise I will stand with you I won't look at anyone else and ill pretend d to be all over you."

"How can you pretend to be all over someone?"

"Well ok I'd have to actually be all over you but-"

"Johnny"

"No I promise I'll be respectful." Throwing his hands up to show his intentions again. Maybe he should just keep them up there

"I cant believe I'm about to say this but fine."

He shows up the day of 10 minutes after the party started to we arrive late so all eyes are on us. Which I hate. But if anyone knows how to garner attention and put a party on its head it's Johnny Storm.

"It's her wedding celebration"

"No its an after party and she did invite you."

begrudgingly I agree if the is anything Johnny is good at its being an asshole and knowing how to get attention.

He knocks on my door.

I open it- He looks me over

"nice dress l," he nodds "You're not wearing that." He pushes past me and goes into my room to look through my clothes.

"Wha- Johnny whats wrong with a black dress?"

"After parties are like clubs and no one goes to clubs in a little black dresses." He paused "Well not one like that"

"Put this on"

He hands me a fuschia pink sequined dress. That is usually fairly skin tight but in all the right places and loose in others.

"Johnny no this is"

"Perfect for a club. Trust me."

"Fine. Get out."

"What I'm just-"

"I need to change."

"Oh uh"

He turned around everything! There was mirror behind him and he actually looked shocked worries or confused as he could see me in it. It looked like he was t sure what to do. I'm not sure but definitely nothing to make me think it was a sneaky thing to try and see me undress.

I shook my head and went in the bathroom.

It didnt take me long to change.

"I feel rediulous." I said opening the door

I'm sure-" then he was facing me

"You look hot"

"I feel like I look like a striper"

"Maybe you'll make some extra money tonight."

"That it I'm staying home."

"I'm kidding I'm kidding I'm sorry. You do look amazing though."

I can't help but blush.

We walk in and its dark people are everywhere dancing and talking and Johnny is right this is more like a club than a wedding celebration.

I can feel everyone staring I go to put my hands over my chest to block it from view when Johnny grabs my hand.

"Relax no one is going to touch you. Well no one but me." I new he had a shit eating grim without having to look at him.

I hear people go:

"Thats the human torch."

"Whose that with him?" And other similar comments. And I suddenly want to puke. He squeezes my hand in reassurance. Its like he knows everything I'm feeling which is creepy.

"You're not telepathic are you?"

"No I just know you." He wisperes in my ear. Really really closely in my ear.

I feel a sudden surge of warmness in my hand it's comforting I look at him and smile.

My friend comes over

Pulling me towards her away from Johnny.

I don't know why but I look back and he nodded in encouragement as he rolled his eyes at a very pretty girl putting his hands on him and practically shoved her as I saw him walk to where drinks are.

"Oh my God is that Johnny Storm?" She was already close to the tipsy vs drunk line.

"Yea"

"Why didn't you tell me you two were together?"

"W-I dont know know never came up."

"Never came up? That's not something that needs a segue.

"Well I-" shit we didn't plan this part.

"So how long you have to tell me everything!"

"Not much to tell," I hear Johnny as he hands me a beer and I sigh in relief.

"Had to beg her to dump the shlub she was seeing and date me."

"Who were you seeing before him. How do I not know this?"

Shruged.

"Never came up?"

"Anyway this one has me wrapped around her finger."

I turn to look at him and say something amd he catches my mouth in his for an open kiss and I could tell he was holding back as he kept pulling his tounge back. Who knew Johnny Storm had restraint.

I'm not sure who parted from whom but I was a bit taken back and breathless.

"Uh sorry about him" I cleared my throat looking at him he actually looked diffrent I think because he was quiet?

"Johnny we're in public."

He let out a breath as he drank beer.

"Careful alcohol fuels fire."

It was late when we left Johnny of course was the center of the party

I kept thinking about Johnny.. he was digfrrnt and sweet and practically all over me but respectful all the same.. Then the next week I walk to get my mail from the mail boxes Johnny was there too, its normally how we run into each other. But he as on the phone so I didn't bother him to say hi; but I do hear him

"You should have seen the way she was acting it was so pathetic that fact I had to go with her, her hands were all over me it was pathetic I was like please its nothing I mean like if anything it was community service"

I let out a small gasp I didnt know I even did that as my hand went to my mouth.

Johnny still smirking and laughing turned

"Hey no wait I wasn't talking about you."

He ran after me.

"Just leave me alone Johnny." I turn around and yell. Running away.

Childish?

Yes.

But warranted.

He was sitting in front of my door and I heard a sniff. His head hanging down.

"What are you doing here?"

He looked up at me red eyed his face a little blochy but not much.

"Can we talk?"

"I think you've talked enough for tonight"

He leaned his entire body back on the door.

"Can I please get in my appartment. I may be pathetic but I'm still nice enough not want you to hit your head when I open the door i have an iron coat stand and if you hit it I'm frankly not sure I'd even call paramedics."

"Please" his voice was small.

I dont think Johnny could act this so I agreed.

"Five minutes. "

He jumped up and snuffed again when I walked in I got him a tissue to blow his nose.

"I wasnt talking about you. I know how it sounded but. When you were talking to some people I had stepped away for a bit a few times actually- remember? Anyway I went to get us some more drinks and this girl was begging me to walk her to the bathroom because she was supposedly scared. Which it was such a lie and bad acting but she kept tugging on my arm as I walked so I agreed just so she'd leave me alone her hands were all over me. It was pathetic she was acting like I was there with her and it felt like I was sentanced to community service. I wasn't talking about you I swear. I'm the one who begged you to go. Why would I-"

"You didnt exactly beg me Johnny. You'd said I'd get revenge."

"It worked didnt it?"

He looked at me like he was waiting for a response "On social everyone does keep mentioning you and us and not the actual wedding or the dress".

"See" he walked closer to me. And put his hand on my cheek. I didn't pull away. I didnt want to leave his warmth.

"If I'm sorry if you that or rather that you thought I-. I know I'm not exactly. I know what's said about me but when I saw you gasp and run away I - I was terrified you'd never talk to me again."

Why? We never talk much anyway

"Because I just kinda" he mumbled the rest of his sentance.

Sorry what?

He mumbled again

Johnny I'm serious I really can't

"I didn't think you'd actually give me the time of day ok? I mean you're always around in pretty outfits you're not trying too hard you always smile at people give them complement. You're even nice to me."

He looked down. "And I can never pick you up."

"Wait you were seriously flirting with me all those times but you-"

"Yea."0p

He puts his handsim his pockets

"You're a really bad flirt cause I thought you were being a cheeky asshole."

"I uh kinda got nervous around you but when I saw you sad I-I figured if I could helped you'd want me around andI didnt have to worry about messing up some stupid pick up line.

Is that I mean its probably five minutes I know I promised I should."

Johnny go sit on the couch ill get you some water.

I handed him the water bottle as I sat down next to him and leaned my head on his shoulder.

"You seriously wanted to date ME? No one wants to date me."

"Are you kidding everyone wants to."

I scoff "ok ill admit the stares in the store are nice for my ego, I mean if I think I look ok but but-"

"Stares?"He seemed to get mad.

"Down boy what do you mean everyone wants to."

"We always talk about how gorgeous you are and what we'd do to you i-"

"Ok I get it."I blush

"And Sue likes you"

"She likes everyone"

"No she just pretends"

"She likes you Reed likes you Ben he says you wouldn't give me the time of day thinks you're too good for me. I mean he's right but-"

"Johnny You may be a flirt and a-"

"Manwhore"

"I'm not that convinced of that but I know there's a good man in there somewhere.

Actually that's a lie"

He looked up me like he was a China doll that is falling to the ground. Part of me felt bad but he had me upset tonight too.

"The good man is sitting right here in front of me. "

His shoulders drop on relief.

"You think so?"

"Granted it was to take over my friends wedding but you made me feel better and happy and God I cant believe I'm about to say this and I will deny this if anyone finds out but you made me feel special. You're around models 24/7 and you wanted to pretend to go on a date me?"

"W-wait you didnt you didn't think that was an actual date?" He looked hurt his eyes were slightly wider his gave had a a bit of surprised mixed with a

"Well I thought I mean you were."

It looked like he was pounting it was cute.

I thought it was just pretend cause you were helping me get back at my friend but it is a pretty good first date.

But I do have one question

"Yea?"

"Where do you wanna go for our second?"

The kiss he gave me right there had nothing on our first kiss. And lasted so much longer.

Later on My feet were curled up under me and my head was resting on his chest with his arm around my shoulder. Just being in each others presence cuddling or checking something on our phones was just so, so comfortable, natural. Like breathing.And every time the fire started to die out out he'd flick his hand and it was roaring again.

"Wait Johnny"

"Yea"

"When I ran why didn't you come after me"

"You told me to stop. to not."

"I was upset. That didn't mean I didn't want you to try. And you ever cheat on me I'll- I" stopped and then laughed darkly.

"You'll what"

"Well its no fun to tell you"

"Sue, Reed and Ben were right," I thought "Johnnys got it bad for me and teasing him is oh so easy."

Taglist

@nana1000night @sparklybarbarianninja @hawkeyes-queen @sapphire-rogers @patzammit

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axolozzy · 2 months

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vent (tw for extreme ablism transphobia and overall terrible stuff idek if i should even post this im sorry i just really need to vent i will probably delete this later)

y’all i’ve finally gotten comfortable vocal stimming in front of people im comfortable with like my friends and family and now my mom all of a sudden thinks im hearing voices or that i have “multiple personalities”????????* like no i promise nothings “going on” with me and j don’t need to see a mental health professional im just stimming because im happy. what the fuck

*also i’ve literally told her for YEARS that it’s called DID and talking in different voices does not fucking mean someone has “multiple personalities” because this has come up SOO fucking much over the years and i’m getting tired of explaining it. i repeat things in funny voices because it’s fun. i’ve done it my whole fucking life it’s called echolalia it’s called STIMMING and she doesn’t listen to me whenever i explain that

so much for being comfortable being myself around people. “you never used to act like this” BECAUSE I WAS SCARED!!!!! BECAUSE I HAD TERRIBLE ANXIETY AND DIDNT WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR BEING WEIRD!!!!!! my parents genuinely think there’s something severely wrong with me now. they literally told me that. because i meow sometimes as a vocal stim. and so do LITERALLY ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE AT SCHOOL. PEOPLE IN CLASS TALK IN WEIRD VOICES AND MAKE ANIMAL NOISES TOO ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!! ITS NOT FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

i’m genuinely so fucking tired of this god who fucking gives a shit of im weird. i’ve been like this my whole life its not my fuckign fault that you didn’t pay attention and don’t remember. FUCK

my step dad’s a fucking dick too i genuinely hate him so fucking much i cant fucking take it anymore. NO!!!! IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH YOU BECAUSE IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK. “why” because im autistic. “that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is bitch its literally a symptom of fucking autism. no i AM going to keep calling myself autistic because thats what i am. no its not “putting a label on myself” because im actually fucking diagnosed autistic im not going to pretend it doesnt exist. because i fucking exist. im not going to “beat” my autism by suppressing all of my autistic traits because you want me to. “why?” DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF???????

and this guy worked in mental health for 17 years. he worked at a psychiatric hospital for 17 years. he never went to college or learned anything about mental health at all. he thinks he knows more than me about my fucking disability when he says the most outdated offensive shit ive ever heard about autism or DID or schizophrenia. he doesnt listen to a word i say because he’s “older than me and has more life experience” and therefore he automatically “knows more than me and im wrong.” he doesnt listen to anyone actually. he literally says to people not to correct him when he’s wrong because he doesnt like being told he’s wrong to being told what to do or think. he’s “not going to change his beliefs for anyone” even if he knows his “beliefs” are literally just fucking factually wrong or actively harmful. he purposely makes people feel like shit if they stand up for themselves against him. he purposely makes me feel like shit because im the only one in this fucking houses that dares to disagree with the shit he says. he’s a republican he’s obsessed with trump and blasts conservative transphobic racist news channels on the tv right outside my room at night so it keeps me awake and doesnt turn the tv down when i ask because apparently he has hearing problems but has never once got that checked out. he deadnames me and says “because of his adhd he’s not sure he’ll ever remember to use the right name so he’s not even gonna try.” and he says he loves and supports me but is constantly saying the most ableist transphobic shit to me and says he’s just giving me a hard time because he loves me. he has said on multiple occasions with a straight face that “fat people piss him off and they’re the one type of people that he doesnt feel bad for being outwardly hateful and discriminatory towards.” he tries to make me feel guilty for not believing in god. he’s anti abortion. he doesnt want me to get gender affirming care under his roof because he thinks its weird and disgusting and doesnt want me to get a dick even though i have told him a million fucking times i never want bottom surgery and i dont know why this is any of his fucking business anyway. he constantly tells me my online friends aren’t real friends and when he knows i love talking to them he purposely turns the wifi off. he asks me why im acting so weird and i say its how ive always acted alone and with my friends and im just being myself and he says “stop acting like that.” “why. im not going to change who i am for other people.” “well i want you to around me.” KILL YOURSELF IM SO FUCKING SERIOUS. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

he’s a manipulative bastard and whenever we get into arguments, SOME FUCKING HOW a few hours later were happy and forgiving eachother and im the one saying sorry. he’s an asshole to me and everyone around him, he’s an asshole to my mom. they are constantly fighting but always deny it. i cant fucking take it anymore

sorry for this vent i know people dont follow me to know about my personal life i know i shouldnt say this stuff but i dont fucking care im so sick of this. i woke up this mornign feeling more excited happy and motivated than i have felt all week and it was ruined the second my mom came in my room saying that the way i act (my literal vocal stims) make her think there’s something severely wrong with me. i love her more than anything in the world she’s the best mom ever but what the actual fuck??????? anyway i hate my stepdad and even though i dont believe in hell i hope he fucking burns

#vent

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pissheartmybeloved · 10 months

Note

goodness, you're having an emergency again? after you already had an accident earlier today? you waited too long and tried to hold it in even though you knew you'd already wet yourself once that day, and had to change into new clothes. you even put a pull-up on because you knew you had trouble making it to the potty, and you still decided to pretend nothing was wrong until you couldn't help dancing and squirming and jiggling around...

well, we'd better get you to the potty before you overflow your pull-up, huh? we wouldn't want to have to wash two sets of pants in one day. come with momma to the potty, baby~

MOMMA-

I'm. I CANT keep it in

it's already happening I cant

my legs all squished together I can't make it to the potty in TIME.im

potty emergency I'm sorry I'm. can't keep it in its coming out through my hands through my padding making wet spot all in my thighs in my new clothes I'm sorryyyy

I'm sorry I'm crying I'm can't hold it in sniffling and all wet and my pullup is all full and I couldn't get to the potty im

I couldn't hold it in I had to go

#ajsbsbdhdhd momma!!!!#no thoghts only momma #m wet make it better!!!#legs allwet and im aniffly and gross and i wet my WHOLE pullup #omo #omorashi #live hold

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groupwest · 8 months

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its so horrible. every week i’m like its okay i’ll just put this off until next week and somehow i’ll be magically capable of accomplishing it then. and then next week comes around and SURPRISE its just as hard and i feel just as bad and i hate myself. i want things to be different so bad. i want to be happy i WANT so desperately to talk to the ppl i care about i cant even sit down and have a conversation with anyone whats wrong with me. my head is so full and i dont know why. its so hard to just exist here and i dont know why. i want to build my own life. why does it feel so impossible. why is everything so messy and disorganised. in my head i mean. why is there no time for anything when i dont DO anything why cant i finish anything to completion why am i wasting my life like this. ITS HORRIBLE. i still feel like just a kid. pretending to be someone who can do so many more things than i actually can. i have no drive to make my life better because im just tryingto do everything that needs to be done but its more than i can keep up with. so i have absolutely no space in my head to plan out what i could do to actually be happy fulfilled and able to recharge my batteries properly. i wont even let anyone try to help me or give me advice becuz i wont reply to their messages. its horrible. people love me, i love me, and i let them down. i let me down so badly. im gonna kill myself with stress over nothing. its horrible. i hate the world we’ve worked so hard to build. it’s so impossibly hard for so many people.

i just want to live a peaceful life. by all means i should be able to, it should be that way, right now. everyone who visits me the first time they see our property they think it’s beautiful and serene and peaceful and i wish i could see it through their eyes. the inside of my head is just so messy and overwhelmed and it bleeds into everything. i just want it to stop. i just want to seethw world the way it really is. i just want to do things one at a time, think of things one at a time and it would be easy. it would be peaceful. wouldn’t feel like my head is screaming at me 24/7. its horrible. how can a day start off so fine and by sundown i’m sobbing uncontrollably over the smallest thing that wasnt even a problem. i feel so lost. i dont know how anyone does it becuz everyone seems to have much harder lives than me and even this much just feels impossible. how is anyone not paralysingly scared of living or of changing or of taking leaps of faith. i swear i used to be less scared, why is it so hard now. i swear i’m growing roots and any kind of transplant feels like someone is ripping them apart. the thought of change is terrifying and the fear is only surpassed by how horrible it would be to stay this way forever. oh god why must it be like this. i just want to be happy. i just want to live up to my potential. i just want to talk to my friends.

#diary #this is just depressing i recommend scrolling on by #i know its horrible to have to read something like this and know you cant do anything to help… sorry about that #the worst thing i could possibly do is wait for the right time to do somwthing becuz that does not exist.#im just not sure what the alternative is when you literally cant do the thing. when you have NO spoons #or the spoons you do have are dedicated to keeping ones self alive or helping your family who you are indebted to.#…. i know i could function a lot better if i wasnt helping them but like. i need to. 😿#horrible vicious cycle.

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badnew2005 · 1 year

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silly little i can’t remember how i used to format posts but i am so full of thoughts i need to share. the macden of it all blue neighbourhood …

wild - fun macden song, both povs apply, it’s just they’re good and they like eachother .. and it’s good !!! s5 specific maybe

bite - similarly generic macden good relationship - both povs, they’re hooking up !! or !! could be applied to the ptsdee dream maybe ?? could have angst but . fork found in kitchen u know

fools - north dakota song. dennis pov . he thinks he wants that life with mandy but just can’t make it work he just can’t do it - key just just, he’s trying, it’s what ge wants obviously, this is what anyone would want. but he cant. and it’s ronald mcdonald he’s gonna leave this suburban esque i can’t think of the word life for. again.

ease - Another north dakota song. dennis pov again. missing philly missing the gang and his life, missing him and mac - missing honey and vinegar. ed bad. gave mac the wrong phone number. again this is the life he thinks he wants so badly, it’s the life he should have. “i’m afraid of the life that i have made”. it’s not him, it’s suffocating. wants to go back to before, pretend he never left that everything’s the same - that mac hadn’t come out that their relationship was still secret and wasn’t something that needed to be addressed (his own sexuality becoming public) etc etc etc

the quiet - north dakota MAC POV ! also post north dakota. their relationship is nothing. it’s silent. there’s separation. he left you. and then came back, but honestly he never came back. begging and pleading for everything to go back to normal to before - but dennis doesn’t want that before. you’ve come out and everything’s changed. you’re not going back into the closet though. not for him. but nothing should have changed, physically nothing changed but dennis was distant before leaving. the relationship was the same in macs eyes, he’s finally accepted the gay label publicly, but dennis won’t - and now that mac’s publicly out its as if their relationship is going to get that label too. they were best friends. everything. but now it’s all quiet, silent. even willing to start fights just to get him to say anything to you.

dkla - dennis pov, reflecting on their relationship, emotional and physical, but again he’s scared that mac coming out will get people to think he’s gay and he’s not ready for that - needs to cut mac off, make everyone Know for sure he’s not like mac or with mac. he hates mac even. having to keep reminding himself this, rather than reminiscing on how much he enjoyed their relationship when it was good.

talk me down - honestly i see this from both of their povs. obviously link to gets romantic just lying in bed together. early stages of their relationship or rebuilding that relationship, it Is emotional not just sexual. both struggling to accept that. building the emotional relationship, reaching out and acknowledging its not just sexual. it’s not like any of their relationships with women, they want to stay together after sex. theyre eachothers home.

cool - again could be seen from both povs, just thinking each other is Cool and wanting to be like that. i like thinking ab teen macden w it very awkward unsure of who they are and being infatuated w eachother and not quite understanding it. but that continues well into adulthood (and they still don’t understand it)

heaven - obviously SUCH a mac song. struggling with his sexuality and religion. maybe i don’t want heaven with goes to hell. there’s obviously a lot to say about mac’s struggle with his religion and sexuality and i don’t think here’s the righht place to explore it but, the song focuses on the same battle :) mac finds his pride dance ofc. and even though it’s only a scene the ptsdee dream where he’s just come out and the crucifixes usually behind his bed are laid down when he kind of acknowledges and accepts he Does have Feelings for dennis

youth - back to fun happy macden when their relationship is good. they gave their youth to eachother !! teen/young macden soooo fascinating to me. early seasons macden too. always feeling young together. stuck in time. and it’s nice

lost boy - dennis songggg. it could be both tbh but i like looking at things from dennis’ pov. pieces of shit !! accepting they’ve treated eachother badly. and not ready to Be Real be a real relationship. wanting to just keep having fun and calling it fun guy stuff, not serious relationship things.

for him - again cute happy macden song. idiots in love. you don’t have to say i love you to say i love you. changed the music industry forever. s5 macden prime happy silly in love.

suburbia - dennis pov, wanting to go back to philly and back to the gang and back to mac. wanting to go back to happiness. could be north dakota. i like thinking penn dennis. nostalgic (for disaster) also when applying to north dakota i like subverting ‘suburbia’ - he’s In suburbia with mandy but it’s not right - the traditional warm family feel of suburbia is what he associates w philly. just accepting he can’t let go of philly. it’s cute

too good - could be both again. second guessing their relationship. knowing it’s going to end. can’t stay fun and casual forever. someone’s gonna bring it up. call them an old married couple. bring attention to the gay undertones. and it’ll end. but just for tonight they’re still good. nobody’s talking about it. it’s just them. together

blue - mac pov. their relationship suddenly changed. dennis got distant. he’ll do anything to make dennis stay, or to stay with dennis. where they used to be. Who they used to be. and then dennis came home. all of a sudden. but it’s not dennis. they’re not mac and dennis anymore. that struggle wanting their relationship back after north dakota, after the lottery ticket.

wild - good relationship macden song, i like from dennis’ pov, still being in love with bossy mac who wants him soooooooo bad. and it works. a conversation between the two of them. wildly devoted, infatuated. never knew loving could hurt this good. “leave this blue neighbourhood” could be den leaving maureen leaving the marriage he thought would fix him because . it’s mac. it’s always going to be mac.

#this is soooo silly but it’s good practice getting back into full time macden thinking. remembering who they are to me #sitting here akwarsly like do u guys still know me can i still be silly and talk ab sunny like this

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eraseur-a · 11 months

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i never vent on main but this month has been so hard. tws covid, dysphoria, sex, self harm

in the past month:

i broke up with my fiance who id been with for 2 years. he was my best friend. i talked to him every day. i miss him.

it felt like i lost my entire future. i have no plan or goals anymore. i had something concrete and am now just lost.

there's nothing i care about and nothing that brings me joy. i feel like im shoving my brain full stimulation just to get by. i have no passions or interests or projects or ideas or desires or goals. ive always had projects and creativity but i just have nothing.

ive been fucking up so much at my job and its stressing me out so much i feel like im a terrible manager and didnt deserve this promotion and im freaking out and its so weird learning new social rules and watching everyones level of respect for me change. and god fuck being at work and having to talk to everyone is making me hate myself like why cant i talk to my coworkers like everyone else can. how are they having these conversations with each other and building relationships. i dont understand fuck i hate not knowing social things

and ive been seeing a new man who i like a lot but hes neurotypical and im so scared to meet his friends and family because he told me im "weird" and i also just cant allocate the energy to be around normal people i dont have any capacity or desire to do so

this has also given me major dysphoria and so much stress about my gender and sexuality. im realizing how dysphoric i actually am -- or maybe its just how dysphoric being around him makes me. this guy is amazing why do i have to be fucking weird and broken. why cant i just have sex like a normal person. i want to be with him but being with him makes me hate myself but also i should just stop hating myself right.

and then just now lost a vibrant and special community of people that shared the same interest as me that has consumed my life for 4 months. close friends. who, more than anything, i admired immensely as artists and creators and who inspired me so much. im not going to pretend like im not devastated to have lost friends and inspirations. i miss you and im sorry. all this this also means ive lost a sense of safety and faith.

and my mom got covid. and i live with her. so im terrified of my mom dying and every time i cough im convinced im gonna die. this is making my ocd so much worse, so im doing all my ocd rituals more intensely, but then shit keeps going wrong, which makes me feel like i cant even have faith in that, and if i cant have faith in that then what next will i turn to to save me. what do i shove in the emptiness

and i relapsed with self harm like... 3 times this month. i regret it so fucking much and that isnt making it easier.

it's just so much. im always okay, but... im starting to worry that maybe im not actually okay.

i dont want to talk about any of this really. i dont want attention or sympathy. im so tired of having conversations. i just needed to vent and just... share where i'm at. thinking about anime superheroes is the closest thing to enjoyment this brain has been able to get the past few days. and im terrified to admit that i am human and need a support system and am maybe not okay.

#vent tw #negativity tw #ooc #tbd

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mrkis · 2 years

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a twlg ask from 🦄 anon below the cut!! yet again, i had to put it into a separate post to not clog up the dash bc of how long it is!! my response is beneath!!

Im keeping track with the discussion in Discord and all I can say is I am still team Jaemin, and I am still giving him the benefit of the doubt. We have seen fractures of what he went through up to part 3 and during part 4 & 5 a lot of stuff happened between him and mc and to me their relationship took a different route then. Also mc didnt truly fall for him up until that moment before the party in pt 3 when he said "you got me" so they are basically in the same boat up until this point, things change for her after that and I think for him too. And i'd like to think that there is so much more beneath the surface when it comes to him and how he views his relationship with mc, and her as a person.

Like I said in my previous ask yeah at first he sees her as only a fuck buddy, but its normal considering they never really knew each other and had any sort of a bond. I cant blame him for wanting and asking for what they agreed upon in the first place, its also not his fault how mc reads his actions, she doesnt know whats inside his head neither does he know whats inside of hers. Communication is still a big issue for them, they tend to ignore what they want to really say to avoid "complications" or simply because they are more scared of being vulnarable with another person again and its easier to brush it off and pretend its nothing.

Im still salting about how in pt 5 he was waiting for her to talk about that important thing yet she did everything in her power to distract him and they ended up having sex, a soft one which was nice ofc and seeing how much of an effect her calling him "baby" during it had on him, I so desperately want to see his side of that. Or how easily she let him go without even considering if he wants to give Eunbin a second chance, which he clearly stated he didnt, he forgave her more for himself to have his own closure, not to give her the joy of being forgiven.

Idk, both of them have huge faults in how things got so complicate, one honest long talk is all they need to resolve atleast 99 of their issues, but both of them are cowards. I just hope that when pt6.2 comes out we will see more of how things are for him in regards to mc and how he understands it, cause sometimes its hard to understand what you feel or even accept it because of the anxiety that comes with your own reality after you embrace all those feelings and thoughts. Its scary, terrifying even. This is more personal but a few years ago I had fallen for my ex-bffs little brother and believe me when I say those were the toughest, most heartwrenching couple of months in my life. I was in such huge denial, I tried to see him as a little brother but one look from him, one simple touch on the arm had my head spinning, and during those month of internal struggle I was even hating myself (he had a gf btw). I didnt want to admit to anything infront of myself let alone anyone else, and the moment those bursted down I was a wreck. It took me months to get over him. So yeah, I can kinda get why Jaemin, and mc for that matter, struggle with their own reality of what they feel and why, cause sometimes it can feel like its wrong, like some unwritten rule was broken and the world is ending. It may not be at all wrong, we all feel what we feel and its not sth we can control. This got a bit misdirected but you get what I mean 😅

I am still team Jaemin, and until I see him genuinely being a complete and total arse toward mc, like making her feel small and unreasonable and just wrong for having feelings for him, then I will root for him. I try to put myself in his shoes and despite all his wrong doings, I can see why he would build such walls around himself and how scared he must be to let them fall.

Also, for the yy x mc endgame trope, I know he is nice and has feelings for her and all but i cant see them together. Just because they may work good because of the foundation they have for their friendship doesnt necessarily mean they would be a good couple. There are many layers to a relationship and sure they can be cute, but the amount of drama it would create within the group would be too much. Also, i feel like a part of mc will always be for Jaemin, considering the complicity of their relationship. It would also not be fair to Yang Yang to sorta be her second choice after Jaemin. If mc ends up with anyone who is not Jaemin then it should be an outside person, so she can truly move on.

[ mrkis response ] : i'm gonna section my responses in a bulleted list for you!! thank you for sending me this btw!!

its fun to hear you're giving jaemin the benefit of the doubt and that you're still team jaemin!! in six(pt1), we saw jaemins thought process from part one to part three which, i think, is different from his upcoming thought process from part four to five (and so on as i'll be continuing present day in jaemins pov after the flashback scenes are over. but they will go back to mc's pov in part seven!!) — and you're right abt mc!! she didn't fully realise she liked him into the party scene. there was always something lingering, which was the comfort between them both that she craved, but diving further into their fwb relationship and becoming exclusive, that definitely persuaded her. — there is definitely more beneath the surface when it comes to him and his relationship with mc. he does really care abt her a lot and, admittedly, she has become his best friend over this short period of time. bare in mind, in jaemins mind, it has always been jeno and jaemin. jeno has always been his number one (he still loves the other boys, haru and miwoo tho) and jeno still is his number one.. he just shares that spot with mc now. so mc does mean a lot to him!! :D

i like how you said its normal and you can't blame jaemin to see mc as a fuck buddy as that was their relationship, bc its true!! that's all it was!! and its for sure not either of their faults for not understanding whats going on inside each others heads (this is where the communication is needed for sure. its one of their biggest issues in this relationship even though they made it a rule)

with that scene in part five, that was definitely mc's fault for sure. things could've been avoided if she was open abt her growing feelings towards him but she's vulnerable!! and she's very scared!! them being vulnerable and scared also plays a huge part for sure.. it's a problem they need to work on :( —you will for sure see jaemins reaction to the first soft sex scene they've had. it was so.. intimate. something that jaemin hasn't really had in a long time. so i can't wait for you to see that!

they're definitely cowards and both at faults. like i've said before, all this trouble and pain could easily be avoided if they just talked :/ six(pt2), for me personally, is going to be an eye opener. hopefully ahhh. its where eunbin comes into play, its where jaemins head gets fucked and it shows where the people in his life truly stand.

for me, i love the yangyang and mc endgame conversations that have been going on!!! i think they would be good together, mainly bc of how much yangyang truly cares and thinks abt mc... but then again, i fully believe yangyang deserves someone better. he doesn't deserve to be a second choice :(

#fic: the way life goes #🦄anon

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