#i came back to uni today
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i hate that i’m like two different people. when i’m at home w my mom and dad and dogs and feel supported and valued i’m overall pretty well and happy and can decently manage both my bpd and uni work. but when i’m back at uni living all alone it’s so bad i don’t even feel comfortable writing it down :/
#i came back to uni today#it was the last fucking thing i wanted to do but it's the start of term#and honestly i'm scared about where my brain is at#i'd call my mom but if i do that she'll worry so much#janet from the good place voice *kill me kill me kill me*#rose.txt
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Henford Hall -December, 18:39PM
#sims 4#ts4#ts4 build#so im kinda back again#this year has been crazy#i move to Paris in september 2022 to study there two semesters#then i came back to spain and move to a new city#well is not really new since its my hometown but i hadn't live there since 2015 and I missed it so much#and between work uni and RL things I didn't have much time to play sims#so here I am again but you know how inconsisten is this blog so dosen't expect regular posts lol#probably i will not have time to play in the future but who cares#now about sims#i've been trying to make some trees DR with new meshes but they refuse to show the correct textures in autumn winter and spring#I suspect it has to be something related to vertex paint or any information attached to the leaves mesh that i'm not getting in s4s#i'll be posting that later to see if someone can give some advice#also had a problem with a building deco for Hendford wich I converted from Cities Skylines#i'm really frustrated with s4s and me lately#well i think its enough for today#come back for more ted talks
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MARTEY WE GOTTA GET BACK (tm) TO THE (C) FUTURE (TM) (C)
#churro art#my art#illustration#digital art#fanart#illustrations#back to the future#marty mcfly#HIIII drew this at uni rn cus I gotta wait to get picked up#so I’ve been in lobbies n cafeterias jus sketching good ol marteyyy#ITS ABOUT TIME I DREW HIM SOBS THIS IS ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVE MOVIES#I’ll just say. in the past 5 years of me attempting to draw Marty#his hair was always the hardest thing for me to get right BHUVEDHJSDBHJS#BUT IM smarter now so it came out rlly good I think! I used to struggle cus I only knew how to draw Anime Bangs and side swept hair LOL#and he’s perhaps I have had a long ass crush on 80s Michael j fox but shhh BESUDES THE POINT.#anywaysssss I took such a long ass break from. drawings actually found out how to draw noses LOLLLL#I rlly like how he looks here heheheh I had so much fun drawing this idk I’m inspired today!!!
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went to the hospital again and the doctors said they basically have no clue what's wrong with me. my health is an unsolvable mystery now and forever.
#:)#tumor test came back 50/50 inconclusive yet again. they're trying for an autoimmune disease but also there's no actual signs of that#i really think it's looking like my body just Did That actually#'a witch attacked my body with magic' is probably more valid a theory than any at this point#annoying part is this means i STILL don't know if i can agree to go back to uni yet or not#just in case today's blood tests show something weird that leads to surgery with a long recovery time#because i'm stuck being dictated to by a bunch of short notice appointments and i can't plan anything around it#someone save me..........................
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shit went down at work today and there's a chance they'll fire me 🙃
#my boss will talk to the ceo tomorrow and it's entirely up to him.......#multiple people at work saw me crying and i was so ashamed i wanted to cry even more lol#i'm just so bad at this job and i hate it but it's so hard to find a job when you dropped out of uni twice#and they pay well and i truly love some of the people there#like my boss expects me to do better (if i won't get fired) and she wants me to propose some improvements#but like. the problem is me. the workload is too much for me and there's no magic way to solve it#and the worst part is i'm so emotionally unstable i can't even talk about it without crying#i'm crying even now lol#and i know if i start crying tomorrow it will only annoy him#and i'm not doing it to seem pitiful i just can't control it at all#godd i'm so tired#i wish i could just cry it out today and then have a serious conversation tomorrow but it doesn't work like that#i had plans today but i start crying every 10 minutes so i just came back home and opened a beer#maybe it will put me to sleep idk#at this point i'm also annoyed with myself#i will let you know how it goes tomorrow 🙃#k.txt#dl#btw please don't try to comfort me because it only makes me cry harder lol i'm just writing to let it all out
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sleepy and v fed up w this blasted reading for japanese history class tomorrow. give me 45 minutes to finish this article and i will be back to talk about kissing or something
#for the blissfully uninitiated: hello i am history student#which is a fantastic thing to be but also a significant pain in the [REDACTED] when it wants to be#the professor for this class is almost unbearably terrible which does not exactly make me WANT to do this reading#but the exam is in like 2 weeks lol#so yk. i have the hardest life of anyone on earth etc etc#god forbid i actually do the degree i asked to do lmao#also i up early this morning to drag myself to the immigration bureau for a visa amendment#which meant a decidedly unpleasant hour on the metro during rush hour :(#its bc im applying for this english TA position in spring#its literally only for 5 days and tbh i wouldn't mind doing it for free bc i am sad like that and enjoy teaching for fun#but it IS paid - and paid work is Not Allowed under my student visa#so even though i literally have not even GOT the job (applications close today) i still had to go and apply for permission to work#watch as they dont hire me lol#oh i should mention - for those who may not know i am in tokyo this year#i am british and i usually go to uni in the uk but im on a study abroad year this year#i came to japan in sept of 2023 so ive been here for coming up on 5 months and i will be going back home in august on 2024#its weird to think that im approaching the halfway point#tbh i should really just make this a separate post but whatever#coming to japan has been very strange but a good thing i think
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Im a pent-up ball of pure stress and restlessness (like chest-tight and heart pounding type of stress) and I have 0 idea what to do with myself, because anytime I want to try and go distract myself with Something my anxiety spikes and my brain goes "!!! NO!!! DANGER!!! LOOK OUT FOR DANGER!!!" so I guess I'll just spend the day pacing the house and refreshing the same 3 pages on repeat, huh...
#personal#Raksh posts#tomorrow I'll know if I got back into uni#so that's the culprit#but I also have no way of assuaging it so fuck me I guess 😩#and depending on if I do or dont get in#its either gonna be a full on depressed crying or a crazy busy next week#plus so much has been happening all around#I finished my internship last friday#we found out our doggo is sick and we're going with her to a vet cardiologist next friday#my younger cousin Ive always been quite close with came to visit with her boyfriend and announced yesterday they got engaged#my bro today said he's planning to marry next year#Im trying not to let my crippling loneliness take me over#it's kinda a lot when all put together 🙈#I thought maybe I could finish typing up what I have of my recent vegaspete AU#its a super indulgent time travel a/b/o shifterd thingy with outsider pov - Nops in this first part#and so I could maybe have something to finally post sometime soon and motivate me to write some more#but I can't focus on that#Ive also thought of maybe gaming a bit#Id actually like to check out Cyberpunk with this new 2.0 update#but again it feels like anytime I try to occupy myself with something my brain goes into alarm mode ughhh#this stressing business is so useless and unproductive why isnt there a switch to it I could just flip and turn it off??#ughhhhh anyway#Im just venting dont mind me#hoped putting it down in some way shape or form would help but will it work? prob not 😂😪#vent#rant
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it's just so funny to me that there is multiple videos of taylor saying she's so proud of travis n she loves him n videos of him saying he loves her n appreciates her coming to the games yet people will still say it's fake
#like it's so clear they are both comfortable w each other's fame#and are still being private (travis not saying too much on nh or#even today on pat mcafee)#n it's just so weird#that ppl still have issues w them#like when travis hugged ed he literally had his arm around taylor#he didn't want to let go#n even when he was w jason#as soon as taylor slipped away cos she knew this was#a moment for them two travis subconsciously looked back for her#anddd not to mention that when he was going to the locker room travis came over n told her he's going#which he didn't have to do#sorry for the rant i'm just very ?????#n also cos i'm away from mumsie cos i'm at uni#i can't talk to her about this cos this is what we do#talk about pop culture (she knows wayyy more than me)
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my mum will say the nastiest rottenest things to me and then she’ll calm down and be like ‘sorry 😝’ and ill move it on bc it’s not worth getting her angry again but inside im like babygirl maybe u have some anger issues maybe
#at one point she was like ‘do you think im mean?’ and I was MAD mad at this point and both of us mad is never good#bc we’re just trying to hurt each other for no other reason than to know we’ve got through to the other#so I was like ‘YES I think you’re mean’ ‘but only when I’m angry’ ‘that doesn’t justify it’ ‘but you agree only when I’m angry’#and I didn’t know what she was getting at so I was like ‘yeah?’#THIS BITCH GOES ‘huh I can live with that’ LMAO???#anyway I moved out of my uni room today and a year ago when I moved IN me and my mum rowed the entire time#and it’s a real sore point for me bc it was her saying how cold I am and that she basically doesn’t like how I’m turning out#(direct quote)#and me saying how her temper ruins everything and she can’t see sense#and low and behold we effectively had THE EXACT SAME ARGUMENT today a year later#‘your lack of empathy astounds me. I despair of you’ (that’s a new one. 11/10 word choice she didn’t need to go so hard with that)#and me going back with ‘I hate you when your angry’ and very dangerously close to ‘your just like your mother’ territory#shits and giggles!#I’ve just had a nap bc we’ve been up since 4am and she came upstairs#and I fully pretended to be asleep bc I know that means she’s come to apologise#which means she’s actually taken a second to BREATHE and stop being so fucking angry#and low and behold it returns all logic and critical thinking skills to her#and I’ll have to forgive her because I do genuinely hate her when she’s angry#and it’s just not worth holding onto so I’ll take an out if she gives it me#but it’s soooo frustrating and unnecessarily upsetting for BOTH of us#and I hate that we still fucking do this and I’ve got a whole summer of it and I can’t just go back to uni now and yeah#live love etc#delete later#don’t reblog
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made pasta and it's delicious, life is good
#the day did not start too well but whatever#i still managed to get this one thing done at least and now i had this pasta and i'm feeling better#but god uni administration really is testing me#i'm trying to get these papers signed for the third time already. third. time.#and i was so nice to the lady and she was so mean? she literally laughed at my face#and said she doesn't care if the dean signs them or not bc it's not her issue??#excuse me ma'am but as long as i don't get the signed I will be your problem :))#i will fight her and the dean if he doesn't sign them again bc i did everything right#there's no reason for them to make it so difficult that's the thing#i would understand if i like filled them wrong or smth but i didn't#uuuuuh anyway#pasta delicious#it fucken wimdy but the sun came out!#i did get the yarn i need so i can start crocheting today yay!#yup.#hope everyone is having a much better day#OOOOH AND THE KEY COME BACK HOW COULD I FORGET#i LOVE killer and heartless omg#agnes talking
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#as an nd human it is so fuckin nice to have had the same friends for over a decade#had dinner with my bffs from hs last night#and time spent with them always reminds me that i am appreciated for who i am#they've hung out with me voluntarily for over a decade#one of them drove with me 800miles to help me move#i used to pick them all up from sfo when they came back from uni#we probably wouldnt be close if we met today#because we're all so so different#anyway#whenever i think no one likes me#i remember how long theyve put up with my bullshit#and i realize at least three people like me
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#I walked to uni to go to class but turns out there's no classes today so I came all the way back home#it was snowing the entire time and I couldn't open my umbrella because of the wind#anyway it was super annoying#also weird because it didn't snow at all in February and decided to snow now!#I mean it's normally in this part of the country to snow in March but it was also normal in February and it didn't#so I assumed we weren't getting anything this year#it probably won't stay though#it melted as it touched the ground#it stayed on my fucking glasses though 😤😤!#now I have to clean them up
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happy new season everyone!!!!
#not entirely sure what my plans are for today but there‘s a good chance i miss the comps 💔💔#i‘m curious what the vibe will be like with the mats tho#bc i haven‘t seen the quali either djsjdjs#anyway i‘m trying to be a bit more active on here so here‘s a short life update:#i‘m in my gap year and it‘s treating me good so far!!#i‘m currently back in my old job in a retirement home#it‘s definitely not my dream job but the people are (mostly) nice and the work itself isn‘t too bad#tbh i haven‘t really got much planned for what comes after? which is stressing me out a tiny bit#and then i should also decide what to study in uni next year#which is… difficult 💀#so well there‘s still a lot of things to figure out but overall i‘m in a pretty good place rn!!#also. this week i went on a date????? me??? still haven‘t quite processed that that happend#it was really good but she lives quite far away so idk :(#and bc of that i came out to like 5 more people in the span of like… 2 days lmfao#anyway and today i‘m going out for dinner with some friends i haven‘t seen in a while <3#overall excited for everything that‘s to come 🤩
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little lives
#met up with my friends from home at our old spot by the river for the first time since last september :) oh it was so lovely!!! so lovely#the cows came to see us. such a mixed little herd and so placid#i head back to uni tomorrow and come back on friday— and then after the solstice next week i’ll head back again i think!! busy busy#i walked my dogs as well and took them through to the fields they absolutely love to explore and run through the long grass in. feeling#lovely actually. it’s been so sunny today. life is good you know. it really is. the world the lovely world :)#my photos
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I'm going to uni just to stare at people like Salamanca twins stare at Nacho
#I didn't go today tho#It was just too hot and as soon as I stepped outside my apartment I said nope not today#So instead i went to grab groceries and came back home to work#Uni is nothing but a burden anymore i hate it including the people in it ❤️
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another assignment, another feedback deadline missed
#this has happened five times in the past 12 months#i understand life gets busy sometimes but given how strict they are with us on deadlines it’s really annoying#they would fail us if we had this kind of record#i had laptop issues with the iliad essay and had to submit 5 mins after the deadline. it’s fine now but i had to jump through SO many hoops#to get them to take off the point deduction for being late (given that it wasn’t my fault. and it was by five minutes.)#one of the previous ones was a modhist essay that came back 10 days late because my tutor ‘had a huge amount of work to do’#funnily enough: a busy schedule is EXPLICITLY said in undergrad handbook to not be a valid excuse for us being late#she didn’t even tell us that she was this busy until about a week in??? it was just complete radio silence before that#she was in her 40s and had been teaching for ages she wasn’t a first-timer#though she did hand off both of my essays for her to a phd student to mark instead#last semester my essay feedback was 5 days late because they ‘forgot to click show-to-students on the results on the uni vle’#again if we did that we would be chewed out like a piece of stringy beef#i have more patience for this current particular professor but she literally told us IN CLASS TODAY that we would get it this afternoon#my instinct is to always give them grace but this is becoming a very annoying pattern#‘don’t give the students feedback by the deadline that WE set. don’t tell them when they will actually get it back.#don’t allow the students the same flexibility if they do not submit those essays on time.’
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