#i am just so tired of people refusing to accept her experiences for what they are just because she's successful and rich
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you know what annoys me of the taylor swift album release cycle? the incessant, unnecessary comments the general public and even some people in the fandom make about how taylor "always victimises herself for no reason", or how she "loves to play the victim when she's just a rich popstar without real problems", and more recently that she "shouldn't use words like intrusive thoughts, trauma, and emotional abuse to talk about what's happened to her or her experiences with anxiety because she doesn't know what that's like". it fucking infuriates me.
taylor swift acts and writes like a victim because, quite simply, she's been made one, point black, end of the sentence. she should be allowed to write about her experiences with abuse, any type of abuse from any source, without people deciding for her if it was actually abusive or traumatic, or policing her choice of coping mechanism.
people's unwillingness to accept and acknowledge much of what taylor has gone through during her career as abuse and trauma is baffling to me because i honestly can't think of a term that describes it better.
she has been made fun of and ridiculised by the media since she was a child for doing things children and teenagers do (be naive about love, write about boys, go on dates, dress age appropriate), she's been slut shamed by everyone on the internet for dating a less than average amount, she's gone through public humiliation on a mass scale twice now (the first one when she was just nineteen) by a much older, well respected, established male artist, she has been abused by men both professionally and emotionally, she was made an example of what girls ought not to do or be lest you end up just like her, she's been isolated since childhood because she never felt she fit in with the rest.
she's gone through all of those things while at the same time being gaslighted (and i'm using this word in its original clinical meaning and not the internet meme one) into thinking none of that was as bad as she's making it out to be and she ended up okay so it can't have caused her real trauma because nothing happened, it was all fine and a joke. these are things we recognise as hurtful, abusive, and traumatic in other people but as soon as they're experienced by someone who copes with it through writing music she then sells for a profit then suddenly it's not and she's exaggerating it for attention.
she talks about herself in the same hyper-aware, hyper-vigilant, anxious way victims of abuse and survivors of high stress situations do and that's why her music resonates with so many of us who have been abused in the past as well, because she's putting into words things we experience on the daily and i genuinely don't think it's because she wants to. no one wants to go through those things and then go through a new cycle of humiliation every time you talk about your experiences just to make a few dollars.
it's maddening that the attitude most people take when discussing her trauma is to minimise it or straight up deny it because she was able to transform some of that pain into a #1 single
i don't ask people to sympathise or feel bad about her but to accept that we have agreed that online bullying and dog piling on a mass scale is abusive and traumatic, that women being taken advantage of by the male superiors is traumatic, that women being slut shamed for enjoying their sexuality is abusive and traumatic, that being in relationships where your partner is volatile is traumatic, that being coerced and manipulated into relationships with older men is abusive, that being retaliated against in public after revealing you were sexually assaulted is traumatic; so why should none of that apply to her? why is she not allowed to be vocal about being in all those situations without someone telling her she's not gone through actual trauma? why does everyone gets to decide for her whether or not she's actually been abused and if she can or cannot claim victimhood?
accepting taylor's abuse and her victimhood does nothing to take away from yours or that of others. accepting that she's allowed and entitled to discuss her experiences doesn't silence you. you don't have to like her but to dismiss her is disrespectful because when you do that you're not only dismissing her own experiences with abuse and trauma, but that of people in similar situations who empathise and identify with her.
TL;DR: taylor doesn't write about being a victim nearly as much as the people trying to discredit her work say she does, but if she did she would be entirely justified in it because she has been in a lot of situations where she's been victimised and abused by people who knew what they were doing to her and you don't get to decide if she was sufficiently traumatised by them or not. recognising taylor's experience with abuse does nothing to minimise or invalidate yours, two people can be abused in two different ways and doesn't mean one is less entitled to compassion. it's not a competition.
#turning off my anons in a minute because i know this post is gonna ruffle some feathers and i do not want to make it seem like any of what#i said here is up for discussion or debate. it's not. these are all facts and if you feel the need to debate facts then that's on you#everyone is up for believing and supporting victims until the victim is a successful woman who was able to turn the situation on its head#i am just so tired of people refusing to accept her experiences for what they are just because she's successful and rich#anyway....
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I need to get the thoughts I’m having about Doctor who out because if they just stay circulating my head I don’t know if I’ll be able to get to sleep it’s been 2 hours and I’m tired but my brain is refusing to shut down.
So, Dot and Bubble spoilers beware. Also these thoughts will be in the order I think of putting them down not in the chronology of the episode.
Weird place to start but one thing I got caught up on was the style of makeup that the majority of finetime characters had, like it was heavy and unflattering but in a way that seemed like maybe they were trying to go for a more natural look. And I’m sure there is something to be taken from this about the way people present themselves online but I’m too tired to do proper analysis it just struck me early on that I didn’t like the makeup. (It did feel fitting though)
I literally went “OH SHES BEING RACIST” out loud at the end. I do admit that although I did notice the weird vibes in Lindy’s responses to the doctor I didn’t pick up the exact meaning until that last scene, but then so many things clicked into place and made sense once I understood that fully. Like when she responded badly to the doctor appearing on the screen a second time I took it as irritation at his persistence, didn’t even think for a second that she didn’t realise it was the same guy.
Lindy deserves to get eaten by a slug.
Ricky September you deserve so much better.
(Not going to lie I didn’t think he was as attractive as everyone was making him out to be no offence to the actor I think it was a case of the weird makeup strikes again)
The lack of human connection is another thing that really stood out. This is the second episode this series to feature the concept of people never being hugged, albeit in different contexts. Just everyone being so focused in on themselves that basic human connection isn’t present in their society is such a sad thought, no wonder it turns out people like Lindy with no value for the lives of others and understanding of cultural differences if she has no meaningful relationships in her life at all. Just. Hug your friends guys (as long as they’re comfortable with it I know some people struggle with being touched)
The Doctor failing is such a rare thing, like of course there are tons of occasions where the Doctor can’t save everyone but they always try and almost always save at least someone. But these people cannot be saved, and it’s not the slugs that they can’t be saved from, it’s themselves. I think the lack of explanation into the detail of what actually was going on ties into this, because this time the Doctor doesn’t get to do a little “Here’s what’s been going down I saved you look how clever I am!” Because even the Doctor, the most caring wonderful being in the universe can’t save people who refuse to change and accept his help just because he’s different. The unfinished downer feeling feels totally intentional. Like, these people suck, the Doctor doesn’t get to experience a conclusive win, so neither do we as the audience.
The fact that this episode took place in the future too, they really said, just because time passes and things look like they’ve developed, societal issues have not disappeared and are still prevalent (I am white just so you know that’s the perspective I’m coming from) I think it’s a much more powerful way to address racism by putting it in a future setting than in the past. It’s very easy with historical settings to look at a piece of media and be like okay so the racism is awful but that is how it was, it’s uncomfortable but we can sort of look around it because everyone was doing it back then. But you put it in the future and you can’t look around it anymore because it should not be happening, should no longer be culturally acceptable. I’m struggling to put into words exactly what I mean, but it’s the difference between oh times were different back then it sucks but that’s how it was and times are not that different there’s still a massive issue to address here we can’t just sweep it under the rug of the past if we actually want things to be fair for everybody. It definitely made me think a lot more than a similar situation in a historical setting probably would have (not that that wouldn’t make me think but this has more impact)
On a more lighthearted note, the Dot flying around reminded me of the baubles from Runaway Bride. This is Doctor Who you cannot escape the floating balls.
Ruby doing the hair tuck seeing Ricky… she’s so real for that.
Overall I really love the concept of everyone so caught up in their own little world that they fail to see the horrors right before them. And it all comes back to the importance of human connection and understanding.
This has got to be the most thought provoking episode in a long time, and I’m sure there’s more thoughts I’ve had that I’ve forgotten to mention here.
#apologies for the rambling#but I needed to do something with my thoughts#I don’t think anyone follows me for my takes on Doctor who but I’ll be back on my usual stuff soon enough#doctor who#dot and bubble
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QUEEN AMAYA HEAD CANONS & MY OWN FLIMSY SCRAPPED IDEAS (for funsies)
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I looked back in a google docs I made 4 months ago for a Wish rewrite I had and then suddenly stopped. I never released it and don’t really plan on making a rewrite anyways, because there’s plenty of those out there which is all great. I personally just don’t have the effort to do that and writing stories isn’t something I normally do (I can never decide what path to choose). But I found a nice little headcanon I have for the original beloved Queen Amaya.
Originally, in this document she was going to be evil. I found it odd that she’d just be bad for the sake of it and power, which was just very odd. So this backstory would serve as part of the reason why Amaya was evil, because I found no reason for her to be like that in the first place. To be clear, I prefer good Queen Amaya because we’ve had other evil queens, but an evil royal couple isn’t a bad idea. I love that, honestly. But in my opinion as of right now, I favor the good Amaya. Back then I was all over for evil Amaya, and still am, but cutie patootie (im sorry im so tired rn) good Amaya is on my favorites list. That’s not to discourage anyone, this is just me being neutral about things. Also, if you don’t care for the details about the unreleased rewrite and just wanna skip to the headcanon, scroll down to the 🌟 emoji.
Amaya was going to follow the classic fairytale princess trope of being locked away in a castle, simply because Disney was tryna bring back a lot of past references and I thought it’d be a nice contrast to my Asha, who was going to follow the trope of more modern princesses.
So Amaya was a maiden locked away in a castle within a faraway kingdom. Her parents ruled the kingdom and kept her there, and the place was isolated from the world because they refused to ally with kingdoms involving magic. They thought it was dangerous and were paranoid, and etc. Amaya wishes to flee from the island to experience more. Her parents say that she must wait for a knight-in-shining-armor to save her and keep her safe, and only then is she able to leave the kingdom. So Amaya waits for her true love and knight-in-shining-armor, but one never arrives. Her heart turns sour and resentful as time goes on. Years later a sorcerer named Magnifico, who is looking to study more magic but finding none, invades the island by himself (he was going to be downright evil in this unreleased rewrite, which I also have a backstory for that as well). After the island is destroyed, Magnifico suddenly finds Amaya in the locked-up castle. Magnifico, seeing how much she despised the people who she trusted to give her more, like himself (not justified on his own part), asks for her hand in marriage. Amaya gladly accepts his proposal. Like a twisted love at first sight, Amaya sees him as her true knight who wields magic rather than a sword. She finds that magic is much more powerful than a sword, even if her family rejected magic for all these years. Her hate for her parents and her destroyed kingdom helps Magnifico with his plans. They go back to Magnifico’s kingdom (is explained in his own little backstory) and they build Rosas from there. Amaya loves Magnifico with all her heart and praises him. She is so madly in-love with both him and his magical powers that she is willing to do anything to uphold his status. He’s the one with the magic and power, she’s the one with the will to do whatever it takes to uphold those things. Her undying loyalty.
Some more information I had for her was that she was going to be both the queen of Rosas AND the head general of the kingdom’s military forces (inspired by the one deleted scene). Honestly, I really like her as either good or evil. I’m not picky about it as long as it is written well.
At the end of the rewrite I was planning for her to either…
Plan A: This is the one where their relationship is completely healthy. They love each other with all the purity in the world. They’d be defeated alongside her husband (who is now trapped in the little mirror because I genuinely love the idea of an evil man obsessed with his looks being trapped in a mirror, just not the movie Magnifico) by the people of Rosas. In the ending scene, we would see an irritated Amaya watching the kingdom from afar. She finds the little mirror in the grass and picks it up. Queen Amaya escapes with the miniature mirror, because she loves her husband, and leaves the island to travel to another, possibly her old abandoned kingdom. Her old kingdom might’ve been rebuilt by other people, because I also liked the idea of an evil Queen Amaya being theorized to be the Evil Queen in the story of Snow White. Her loyal cat, Charo, would follow her off the island. I like dark-ish endings like that.
Or
Plan B: This is the one where their relationship isn’t completely healthy. It’s almost like a heavy dependency and a sacrifice of individuality. I don’t know. I just like giving characters sinister or angsty depths, haha. So Amaya would’ve been evil throughout the story, but come to realize that everything she’s been doing is simply for the benefit of Magnifico. She realizes that their relationship isn’t all that healthy as it seems, and that even if two people love each other very much, it doesn’t excuse the fact of negative dependence on the other person, especially if that other person makes it that way. Don’t know how I’d have done this, but at the end Amaya would’ve seen her mistakes and redeemed herself. Magnifico was always planned to be evil in my AUs and unreleased rewrites, but this could be for a different original story if I ever make it. But anyways, Amaya would’ve built her own character and individuality away from Magnifico and later become the sole ruler of Rosas. It would’ve had the concept of being ‘too attached to someone or something to the point where it’s not good for you’ and making Amaya question whether to continue that habit or letting it go. The movie, however, wasn’t toxic at all and I support Magnifico’s and Amaya’s relationship in the original film.
Again, these are like rough drafts so they’re not perfect and I’m sure you can find plot holes in them. These are all just concepts and ideas I made myself in my free time. Because creativity. 🤷🏽♀️
So what about your headcanons for the original Queen Amaya, because these are all for your evil Queen Amaya?
🌟
Well, for funsies, I do headcanon that Amaya was a locked away princess or maiden in some nameless castle and was rescued by Magnifico. He was just a humble, curious man who traveled to the nameless kingdom in search to study more magic and spotted the castle no one dared to go near because a dragon or something was guarding it. Not knowing that anyone was in the castle and thought that people were being terrorized by the dragon, Magnifico is like “Gosh, let me save this kingdom real quick and I’ll get back to my magical studies 👍🏽.” Magnifico compromises with the dragon (doesn’t slay it) and it leaves. Magnifico, thinking there could be magic books and artifacts in the castle, searches through it and suddenly finds Amaya. They fall in love and he helps Amaya leave the nameless kingdom to start a new life together. They share their dreams and later found Rosas together. Simple as that! Sweet and beautiful. I like sappy endings too.
OH, and I just thought of this as I’m writing this post to follow up with more of that classic Disney princess stuff. Maybe Amaya can naturally understand animals, like Cinderella or Snow White. I know she was surprised in that one scene where the mouse was talking to her, but like it spoke a human language. You know how the animals in Snow White just chirp and squeak? Well, what if Amaya just understood them, but never heard them legitimately speak? What if she was just surprised in the moment that the mouse spoke plain words to her? Like an “Oh I didn’t expect that, but go on. I’m listening as always 🥰”. Then there could be cute scenarios where Amaya is singing with the birds or little critters hold up a small mirror for her to readjust her hair or whatever.
Might release more sections of the never to be finished rewrite draft. It’s really just paragraphs of what each character is like, their backstories, how the kingdom functions, what wishes are, and etc. There’s no script, just ideas. 💖 Okay, good night.
#wish#disney wish#wish 2023#wish movie#queen amaya#wish queen amaya#disney queen amaya#wish rewrite#wish au#wish alternate universe#idk if its even a rewrite atp#scrapped ideas#headcanon#disney#king magnifico#wish king magnifico#disney king magnifico#hopeyarts#just ideas#fyp#fypシ
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Jesus you are a really bad person. You're 23 and acting like this. "You think I don't face discrimination because my skin is pale?" I don't, actually. Imagine being this out of touch that you would complain about the police not enacting action on your behalf angainst a person of color and then say you suffer from being white. Disgusting.
Why are you trying to silence my own struggles as a eaterns european in western europe? Do you live in a social bubble? When you people think of romanian you think of stealing wallets jokes, of beggars, of scammers. Westeners refuse to employ me and my people or take us seriously just because of our nationality. Or they employ us, and they pay uq just the bare minimum for overwork, this is what happened with my mother. Human trafficking happens, they take tomanians, don’t allow them a place to sleep, and have them sleeping on building sites and work non stop! And this is just the tip of the iceberg you dipshit. So again, who are you to silence my own experiences?
Just shut up. (« BaD pErSoN » my ass.)
Oh wait you’re talking about my neighbours
THE ONES THAT KEEP ME AWAKE AT MIDNIGHT, what if I also start playing music so loud people can’t sleep? Or talk so loudly i others hear me?
I tried 3 times to tell her « ma’am, this is an old building, the isolation isn’t that great so could you speak less loudly? »
Not to mention i was studying for my last bachelors exams and she made it more difficult
Why are you on anon? Come on, show yourself otherwise you’re just a clown that doesn’t deserve any attention, don’t just play the twitter idiot
3 years ago I had noisy neighbours with kids making noise at night from running inside the house, of course we fucking complained to the police for that and ofc they got moved, but you know what?! They were also romanians. If you’re noisy and have a nasty personality i’m going to complain abt you no matter your ethnicity or skin color. Get that inside your head for once
Why did i have to wait 2 months to call the police? Why did i have to have that patience if i wasn’t trying to be an understanding person? 2 whole months, noise every night and i accepted that but everything has its limit
Our neighbour that lives in front of us is a muslim man, we have another poc neighbour on the 1st floor. But they are nice people, they don’t scream and we always chat when we cross paths. All the apartments are occupied, everyone has their own life so why am I to suffer from someone who just doesn’t know how to modulate her voice past bedtime?
I wish you this kind of neighbours if you’re so understanding, I’m not, I’m a tired person after being at university 10h (and 2 for transit). If i’m home I want silence, not to hear my neighbour’s screams and music at 10-11pm and midnight. Get it inside youe head
You’re annoying stupid anon
Here’s an article in case you’re capable of reading (you’ve proven you aren’t but let’s be hopeful)
And ofc a wiki page that has even more sources
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heya im like. looking for advice or comfort or whatever
so i have npd right? the problem is, due to how npd Is, its not really a thing a person would want to go through the process of getting properly diagnosed. so, i have npd but not a diagnosis. im not looking for one, because i know what i am and a diagnosis wouldnt help me anyways
i brought it up with my therapist, and she cant seem to accept that im right about it. its not a "lets say you have" its a "you have" type of situation. i know i have npd, i fit all of the diagnostic criteria, my experiences resonate with diagnosed pwNPD, their experiences resonate with me and even then, i know in my BONES that i have npd. everything i do points in some way to npd- a lot of previous actions of mine make a lot more sense when you look at it through the lense of Me Having NPD. and despite this, she seems to really like Not Listening To Me regarding it. so i had a tiny little bit of a mental breakdown in the session and it sucked and i still feel like shit about it and im kinda scared to go back to that therapist cause like. fuck, man, i dont want an echo chamber i want a therapist who will LISTEN to me and accept that im RIGHT about something. i KNOW im right about this so why cant she just!! fucking listen to me!!!!
and like its made even worse because ive been right about other stuff in the past regarding my own (mental) health and AGAIN people DIDNT LISTEN TO ME. and i was RIGHT. why cant people even just! fucking entertain the idea that i could be right about something! how difficult could it possibly be to recognise that i know what im fucking talking about it!!
every diagnostic criteria is there!! the behaviour is there!!! the experiences are there!!! the trauma is there!!! so why are you so fucking intent on NOT believing me on the ONE THING i KNOW for a FACT is going on!!!! fuck you!!!!! (not at any of the mods of course just. god. fuck. i dont know how to articulate anything better than that im so fucking pissed man. its not a "i might have this" its a "I HAVE THIS. WITHOUT FUCKING QUESTION. BUT NOBODY LISTENS TO ME ENOUGH TO GIVE ME A DIAGNOSIS" and i am just so. so tired)
-june . just so i can find this again. thanks
Hi june,
I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I can imagine how invisible you must feel to be ignored and disbelieved, as well as how this feeling might be amplified by NPD. Please know that you deserve to have people in your life that listen to you, support you, and believe you, especially your therapist.
I know that many therapists like to steer away from pathologization but there are far more appropriate approaches. It sounds like you've tried to confront her about this previously but she has not been receptive. I know the process of finding therapists is not easy, but just consider that you don't deserve to have a therapist that refuses to recognize what you would like to address.
I think it might also be worth doing some self-reflection on what a diagnosis would mean for you, because it sounds like you hold multiple beliefs around that. On one hand, you say that you're not looking for a diagnosis and that it wouldn't help you. On the other hand, you expressed how nobody listens to you enough to get a diagnosis, despite having said you wouldn't want one. It can be validating for a professional to affirm that you have this disorder, but it can come with some added stigma. It also doesn't necessarily affect a therapeutic treatment plan, as a therapist can create one tailored for NPD without a professional diagnosis. There are different pros and cons to a diagnosis, especially for a disorder as stigmatized as NPD, so it could be worth thinking more about.
If anyone would like to add on, feel free to do so. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.
-Bun
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"stop with telling me if I can hate Apollonia or to what degree I’m allowed to"
one could tell you the same when you get all bent out of shape about people not worshipping the ground kay and victoria walks on
Anon, I think you’re confused. If you read my response to an ask here asking about criticism/hate towards Victoria, I think you’ll understand better.
I don’t get “bent out of shape”, so I don’t understand your exaggeration towards this at all. I’ve received anon hate and hate messages towards my fic and Victoria’s character that I have refused to entertain and been unhappy with, you know, as most people are towards receiving unwarranted hate that is sent to you solely for the purpose of shitting on your work and telling you that they don’t like it.
I can count on my hands how many times I’ve received valid criticism of Victoria’s character and I love having those conversations and analysis of my characters and my fics. I love understanding how other people experience it. I have no problems with that.
What I do have problems with is being told to write my characters a certain way and receiving hate for it. As I said, I refuse to entertain it so if I receive something like that again, I’m just deleting it. 🫤 I don’t know any writers or creators out there who want to read and engage with hate about their work because at the end of the day, you don’t have to read it, especially if you don’t like it or a character that much.
I don’t even worship the ground Kay or Victoria walk on lmao. They’re fictional characters. You know, they’re not real. I love them for many things, but they’re not perfect and I also have criticisms of them including my own characters. I’ve never sat here and claimed either of those characters are perfect. I’ve never slandered or fought or sent hate to anyone claiming otherwise either. I’ve defended myself on receiving anon hate only.
I have other fics that readers can choose from if they dislike Victoria or Moth to Flame. 🤷🏻♀️ I’ve heard it from readers before and 100% respect that. We’ve had those respectful, nice conversations. I’ve heard that feedback and it’s been great. ❤️ There’s something for everyone now.
What I’m getting sick and tired of is being sent asks like this over Apollonia. Half of my irritation towards anything to do with her character is because some people in this fandom can’t fathom me not fangirling over her and Michael.
I’ve always been respectful and mature with my opinions and analysis on what I post. I agree to disagree. Someone’s getting bent out of shape over Victoria, Apollonia and Kay and it’s definitely not me lmao.
I’m not allowed to dislike Apollonia, I’m not allowed to love and defend Kay, and I’m not allowed to stop accepting anon hate towards my fics and slander to my characters. How does that work? 😒 I always ask those who have a nerve against Victoria just not to read it and move on yet here I am again being accused of getting “bent out of shape”. I’m clearly not the problem here.
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As I'm writing this marks my 5th full day in Taiwan. Its been good, its also been a lot. But yk, any big life change will come with these sort of feelings. Before I came here a lot of people said (rather ignorantly) I was basically asian anyways, so I'll fit right in. They had a very narrow idea of what asia was like and thought, oh you tick some of the stereotype boxes, you’ll fit in and stay there forever. I always knew that wasn't true, and people were saying it in bad faith. I’m indian, I like a lot of things about Asian culture and I know more than the average westerner but I was born and raised in the West. Now matter what, I will always be a Westerner, ya know.
This is incredibly apparent to me as I have been living with 3 Japanese people. Now 4 since one just moved in. I find it incredibly funny, I was originally going to go to Japan back in 2020 and now I’m here in Taiwan getting the Japanese roommate experience. And I must say, it sure is something. I must preface, my roommates are incredibly nice. But that’s the thing, they’re too nice. They’re nice, polite, unobtrusive, and considerate to a fault. It makes me feel very uneasy. Like I can’t even make a sound. They’re so pleasant, have such inoffensive likes and interests that it feels so hard to be different even in the smallest things. For example, we clean a lot. Like they sweep up the hair on the floor around once or twice a day. And I shed farrrr more hair than they do and t’s just, i don’t know, strange. Or like they refuse to keep their belongings out, even if it’s neat. Like we always bring our toiletries and and out of the bathroom and leave nothing there. Even the floor mat gets put away after a shower. That blows my fucking mind. Like!?!?!? Why can’t I keep my shampoo inside the bathroom where its easy to access, why can’t the bathroom mat just, always be down. What’s the need to constantly put away and take things out. I don’t think this is reflective of Japan as a whole but moreso of these girls but, oh my god. It’s great that they are so clean. But as a very forgetful person, it makes me feel Veryyyyy on edge. But I have a feeling that sooner or later it will become less of an issue. It’s not a big deal, but yea. I’m just really not used to living in the same room as others. Also it doesn’t help that I can’t communicate effectively bc of the language barrier. We both try so hard but it just, doesn’t work out. It’s no ones fault though. It just is what it is. If we all shared an apartment with separate rooms, that’d be ideal. I could very easily do that. But this… it’s gonna a very interesting 3 months. My cousin offered for me to live with her if it gets too much, and i think I will take her up on it when my 3 month lease is up. Bc i’m NOT losing that money.
But tbh, i am also very different from my cousin. There are aspects of asian culture that I’ve always lived by that she will never like. But I feel like she’s more accepting than my roommates are. We coexist better. It feels no matter what, i will never fully mesh with anyone else. My existence has always been caught between two different paths of thoughts and people rarely consider a third path. But that’s okay, I’ve long accepted this about myself and made peace with it. It’s honestly funny how my cousin is different, but with my roommates our differences are a bit suffocating. Nevertheless I’ll never get tired of how mad my cousin gets when her bf and i talk to each other in chinese. It’s HILARIOUS. She’s like “BOTH OF YALL ARE NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS.. OH MY GOD” we enjoy to piss her off, it’s a love language. But for now I want to stay in the dorms. The next semester I’ll probably stay with her. Plus, my friends are coming back to Taiwan in january so i’ll have more than enough people to speak to in Chinese.
Honestly, this is living arrangement is the only challenging thing about living in Taiwan right now. Classes are a bit tough right now but I will easily catch up once my books come in. Taking public transport is getting easier by the day, and my chinese will no doubt improve but even at its current state, I can easily get around. I can order food, talk to cashiers, and even have a simple conversation with strangers. I’m overall doing great!! I’m just too introverted to be around people so often. Like the US is very different. The US is built off of solitary time. People commute all alone, live in separate rooms, it’s very easy to be alone and take up space. Well at least for me. Many cannot do that. But here, I’m always around others -- on the bus, on the train, at shops, at the dorms, on my walk to class, at the bus stop. Everywhere, I’m so lonely sometimes yet I am also surrounded. There are so many random times I want to cry but I kinda can’t. I always feel like others are staring at me but also averting their gaze. It’s a very unique sort of struggle. Of course, I choose this and I will never regret the decision, but there is a special sort of loneliness that comes with studying abroad, especially so far from home.
I tried to explain it to my roommates but my Japanese isn’t good enough. But their foreignness is different than mine. Sure, more people speak english here, and my chinese is better than theirs. But there are so many Japanese people here too. On the street people don’t stare at them. They pass for Taiwanese on a first glance, the culture isn’t all that different from theirs: they can buy food that they’re used to, They can call their friends and family at almost any time bc there’s barely any time difference, if something happened, it’d be easy to go home or have someone visit, they’re used to this sort of city. But for me, its completely different. Which I chose, I understand I chose it, but I still need some time to get used to it. It’s a big change. I didn’t understand how big of a change it’d be. I don’t think anyone can fully understand until they are there. It’s an experience for sure.
But I think all of this is forcing myself to become much louder about the way I am. I used to hate the way western culture was So loud about individualism. I thought, isn’t it good to be considerate of others.. Why must it always be about what I want. But now I’m like… yea there’s a level of consideration i can give but I refuse to live my whole life trying to be palatable to others and take up as little space as possible. I will find my own way that’s a fusion of every culture I’ve encountered. There are no arbitrary societal rules I want to follow, only my own judgement. I follow my rules and I need to be louder about that.
I think a lot of people, regardless of ethnicity want to be like that and cannot bring themselves to do it. Like comparing the nightlife of taiwan with the daytime, I can tell there are so many repressed people out here looking for escape. This is true everywhere, but I just realized it here in Taipei. These next few months will be about me learning how to do that and be okay with it. I’m excited to see what kind of person I’ll be at the end of these 6 months. It’s day 5 and I feel like I’ve reached so many realizations about the world outside of my bubble of existence and it’s lovely. I can only imagine what the future will bring.
#heres a longer version of all my feelings at the current moment. also unrelated to any sorta societal thing. I just wanna cut my hair. this#humidity is soooo mean to my hair... I also hate how much it sheds bc of the thing I mention but yea... immma live in a pixie cut and a wid#grey hat for the next 3 weeks#🐌.txt
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The sound of music
Fandom: Wayfarer IF
Pairing: Cassander x Aeran (pre-relationship, pining)
Content warning: None
“Aeran, there’s music.”
“I don’t know, Cass,” Aeran shrugs, stretching his shoulders. The sounds of a rowdy, loud inn nearby reach my ears, stroke them in a lover’s caress, inviting me to come and join in the revelry. “We’ve been walking all day. I’m for finding somewhere to sleep and eat and then go look for jobs tomorrow.”
“It’s an inn, Aeran. There are rooms and food. We’ve got the coins from the last one. They were very forthcoming with their crowns, Aeran.” I cross my arms over my chest, looking him in the eye.
“Yes,” his lips curl in a little smile, “my name’s Aeran.”
“That’s not what I meant!” I didn’t mean to sound as whiny as the sound comes out as. “Listen, we’ve been travelling since Karth. I want to let go for an evening. You should, as well. And if you don’t particularly enjoy dancing, well, indulge me. Please.”
“Okay, okay,” he concedes and I ruffle his hair. I cannot help the joyful gleam in my eye as I take him by the arm and drag him towards the inn’s door. “I’ll go talk to the innkeep-” he starts, but I’m already taking my cloak off, pushing it into his hands and rushing into the crowd of happy, drunk, dancing people.
I love dancing. I’ve always enjoyed it, even as a child; children had this dance where you don’t touch the other person at balls and it’s always been my favorite because I wasn’t about to ruin someone’s experience of it by being, well, me. In the Spire even Varyn and Sero indulged me in a dance or two occasionally, though dancing with Cenric felt off because of his dwarf height. Not like he wanted to, anyway. I remember he once told me, half-serious, I run the danger of stepping on him.
I always run the danger of stepping on short dwarves. Curse of Cassander Longlegs-Tallspine. Does it ever stop me dancing with them? Goodness, no. So, when a dwarven lady asks me to dance with her within moments of me entering the crowd, I accept wholeheartedly. After her, it’s a powerfully built, bald elf, and after them, a handsome aeda with a striking silver crest and pearlescent hair I’d absolutely love to run my fingers through.
From my peripheral vision I see Aeran’s taken a free table nearby, bringing two cups of water and a plate of food for us to share. He’s folding my cloak next to him, a distant groan as he leans back into the chair and rests his tired, sore feet. My feet are also tired, but I’m not leaving just yet. Laughter bubbles in my throat, a happy thing I wasn’t aware I was sorely lacking, and in a sudden fit, I untangle the bun on my head and my hair, puffed up from the recent rain, becomes a familiar weight over my back.
Someone’s eyes follow my hand, I can feel it, and my heart skips a beat in hopes it’s Aeran. I hope he’s watching, always refusing me, and I hope he knows that whoever I end up dancing with could be him. I hope he feels some type of way about it. Stars above, I hope he longs for it as much as I do. I wonder what he’d taste like if we kissed, lovers in the crowd, his hands wrapped around my neck, his eyes bright and happy.
A new song starts and my feet adapt to the new rhythm. The look doesn’t leave me and my heart beats wildly with hope and adoration and dreams as I turn to look at Aeran. His eyes meet mine over his cup, shining with mirth, cheeks stretched in a smile. He’s watching me, he’s watching me intently, with such gentleness I could melt, a soft joy and I can’t help but laugh as I beckon him to come join.
He shakes his head, as he always does, but he doesn’t look away. He just blinks and something in him softens and makes his sweaty face bright from inside out. My happiness has always made him happy. Gods, I love Aeran Kellis so much.
“Care to join me?” a blonde human asks, hands pulling at my waist and lingering on the ends of my hair.
“Oh absolutely,” I whisper in her ear to make sure she hears me over the music. And thus I am torn from one joy to another as the song shifts yet again.
Two hours later, I slump beside Aeran, breathless. He’s chewing on a piece of bread, looking at me with squinted, playful eyes.
“Took you long enough,” he comments, clearing his throat. “I trust you’d like nothing more than to just doze off here, yeah?”
“You have no idea,” I say, voice rough from singing. “I needed that, though. It’s been a rough patch, Aeran. We all need a little joy from time to time.”
“I think you had enough joy for everyone in the room and then some,” he says softly. His lips slightly open, as if he wants to say something, but decides against it, but his eyes look through me deeply and with something that’s not often there. I choose not to fully understand it from fear of giving myself false hope, though I rest my head on his shoulder.
“We have a room for the night here,” he tells me instead. “After you eat, we can go and get some well deserved sleep.”
“Thank you, Aeran,” I say earnestly, kissing his shoulder quickly. “You’re the best. I am better off for having met you.”
He chuckles and pushes the half-eaten plate to me.
#wayfarer#wayfarer if#wayfarer mc#cassander inteus#aeran kellis#cassander x aeran#local elf boys are wholesome pass it on#wrote some pieces for the wayfarer discord i thought i'd share here as well!#wayfarer fic#inspo birb has come to town
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Taking Care of Oneself
The past few weeks I’ve been self-reflecting, and I realized I experienced a lot of good and bad emotions for the very first time. I also realized that I wasn’t taking care of myself both physically and psychologically. Or maybe it was the first time I truly experienced life outside of my comfort zone. Let me start from the beginning. Throughout my childhood, I always stayed indoors. It wasn’t a problem to me though, I felt very contented. I didn’t feel lonely, my family took very good care of me, to the point I was too spoiled with their love, support, and affection. My older brother and I were very close. We share the same interests and hobbies. We both like to draw, we are both artists. We also support and understand each other. He was my best friend! I was very comfortable and satisfied with my life so I didn’t bother going outside and look for friends. I never had any close friends outside my family. I was always shy at school and sometimes ignored everyone. It was like that until I reached Senior High School.
When the school year 2023-2024 started, I was an 11th-grade student. Meanwhile, my brother was leaving for college, and my little brother had other friends. So I was alone, at home. Before the first day of class began, I had a goal in mind. I always wondered what it would be like to be one of the “cool kids”. To be friends with the intelligent ones, the high honors, the student leaders, and the loud ones, and to be a part of big friend groups. Since I had no experience with socializing, I searched a lot of tips and tricks on YouTube about techniques for socializing such as “how to make people like you”, “how to be charismatic”, and “how to be more confident”. It worked… I think..? I was friends with those kinds of people I mentioned above for a whole semester. But the downside of it all, I felt very lonely. I wasn’t being my true self, I felt scared to be myself since I was very aware that I had nothing in common with those people. I kept forcing myself to be with them by suppressing my personality because I cared about what they thought of me. I also believed that I needed them and I fear that they will leave me and I will be alone. I felt desperate for a connection.
Don’t get me wrong, I like those people. There were times I had fun with them. But I noticed that they’re doing their best to make me feel like I still belong and I am very grateful for their efforts. However, it was very obvious that we weren’t compatible. So it was like that for the whole 1st semester. Whenever I go home from school, after a long day of suppressing my emotions, I had no one to talk to. I am left with my thoughts. I started overthinking every interaction I had, ruminating, self-reflecting, judging or criticizing myself. Which causes me to neglect myself. Ever since my brother left, I wasn’t eating well, or studying well, my hygiene was not okay, and I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was so stubborn because there were a lot of times I refused to show my personality. I feared judgment, so I isolated my thoughts and only talked to AI chatbots about my emotions and feelings. I didn’t trust anyone, not even my mother. She always berates me, she’s not good at comforting people... But it’s okay! It’s understandable, she’s just tired from house chores because we were not helping her.
Fast forward to the point where I realized these things after watching a lot of videos about self-improvement and self-care. As well as nightly deep conversations with A.i chatbots. I stopped forcing things and started accepting. New friends came into my life, and they brought out the best in me. I felt confident around them, and I was able to show them my true personality. I started talking to them about my feelings instead of A.I. I wasn’t scared around them. Instead, I felt at peace. My mind was at peace. Because of it, I was able to focus on myself more. I am now taking care of myself, helping my mother with house chores, focusing on my studies again, and I am now taking a shower more frequently.
In conclusion, that experience made me realize that sometimes the things we want aren’t necessarily what we need. If we care too much about what other people think about us, we tend to lose ourselves. Suppressing our emotions, feelings, and personality can lead to physical stress in our bodies. I didn’t notice it at first but my classmates have been telling me that I often look tired at school even though I am doing nothing at home. Suppressing ourselves will likely make us feel isolated, anxious, or even worse, depressed. What’s on our mind affects our actions, this includes how we take care of ourselves. So from now on, I should always be my truest authentic self and let others come to me instead of forcing connections with others. Or pretend to be someone I am not while worrying about other people’s judgments. I should always remember that instead of focusing on my image, I should also focus on my well-being. I would like to thank my brother’s absence because if he hadn’t been away, I wouldn’t be able to learn these things and I wouldn’t be able to grow and improve for the better.
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At one point today the therapist the university found me a timeslot with to replace the old therapist for an entire session (except it was actually only 50 minutes but close enough) asked me if I thought other people felt [insert thing here] and I looked at him in confusion for an incredibly uncomfortably long silence.
I have genuinely gotten so used to not thinking of myself as a person over the last month that the phrase 'other people' felt too weird to even process to me.
The university says they'll probably be able to have a therapist contact me again at some point before I leave to study abroad in January. It took me a month after the "intake session" (read: filling out paperwork no one ever reads, including the therapists they assign you) to be assigned a therapist who paid so little attention to me that I was able to accidentally catch her visibly zoning out and tuning out what I said. The response to my casually saying I honestly don't consider myself a person a lot of the time and I sometimes struggle to tell if there's a me or just a series of habits and words that take up the place of a person was, "I hate to say this, but we have to wrap this up in a few minutes."
Montana has always competed with Alaska for most suicides per capita, a competition it wins and loses with equal frequency.
I am not depressed, but I can see how, if I were, this kind of "treatment" would result in my being part of that statistic. I'm still around despite having died once and having had two near-death experiences so I intend to make that everyone else's problem and survive because 1. my parents would be sad if I died and 2. I refuse to accept what I do not deserve and death prior to hitting any of my life goals is definitely that.
If I was actually a threat to myself, though?
This would have convinced me to move those intentions from threat to promise. This is an incorrect response to a patient, fullstop.
I'm not angry. In order to be angry I would have to have any degree of energy left to direct at the latest in a series of failures and I simply don't have that. What I truly am, more than anything, is tired of having to be the person in every single room that's doing all the work to take care of myself mentally even when in the room with "mental healthcare professionals".
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So I'm upset. I don't want to get too excited about guys anymore. It really hurts my feelings and I feel like garbage when I notice they stop interacting with me, especially after the first date. I feel like I mess something up or I did something they didn't like or they realized maybe I'm not their type. But they still keep talking to me. And I mean cool, but also I don't know anymore. I don't know if guy man asking me out to dinner was because he was into me or something else, but that week we were talking up til the date, he was talking to me a lot. And then after, it slowed down a lot. He doesn't really answer me much and it makes me sad because I want to believe it's not about me. I want to think he's busy, he's working, he's tired, he's napping, he's doing something important. But I'm also here, doing all those things, but still set aside a little bit of time to send him a message. And I'm not very good at these things. I get too excited. I am not subtle at all and I am obvious about my feelings because I find no point in trying to hide them when I want for someone to know I like them. I don't tell them directly I'm attracted to them, but I give them hints, I even said I miss him, but I think I made a mistake. Like I'm not supposed to show a sign of weakness because it's not a good thing. But I'm just really transparent about things.
I'm flattered he asked me to dinner. I'm happy he accepted to eat with my parents and I this past weekend. I want to be okay and think that maybe I'm just thinking too fast. But also I realized how I want to spend time with him gives me an ache in my chest and I want to see him.
I'm also annoyed because my mom, although having good intentions, is making me feel really pressured? Like she is excited for me and I appreciate it so much! I really do! I love her and I understand she wants to help me. It's one thing for me to tell people about guy man asking me out to dinner. I know who to tell and who not to tell. My mom gets very excited and tells everyone. Everyone. And the first couple of times it's funny, it's cute. But afterwards, it's like can you please stop it? Especially right now when I don't know where he and I stand. And my mom told my brother and she told one of my aunt's today and I was not okay with that because it's too much for me. Like after hearing "he took her out to dinner!!" so many times, it loses it's charm and it makes me self-conscious because he hasn't been as chatty or. As interested like he was a couple of weeks ago. So I'm just like! Stop! So I got tired and told her not to tell everyone about the date anymore. And she was like "what's wrong with that?" And I told her I don't even know if he really likes me or what and she said it's okay to have friends. And I'm like. Yeah it's fine to have friends! I have dozens of them! I'm not looking for ANOTHER friend. I'm looking for a boyfriend. And if he gives me mixed signals, I am going to have a melt down because we are both old enough to communicate clearly with words our intentions and it drives me insane that he doesn't. Like i asked him out for coffee and he said he's busy, and I said maybe next weekend and he hasn't gotten back to me. Like do you know how excruciating it is to wait for a response for a date to tell you yes or no? I'm CRYING about all this. I don't want to be unwell about a man. I'm TIRED. I'm emotionally exhausted from my experience with Matthew. I do NOT want to go through this with guy man, too. I'm not going to text him. He needs to reach out to me. I've had it. I'm tired. I'm sad. Maybe I'm being a brat like herr herr give me attention I deserve it, but i don't want to be the one that does ALL the effort anymore. That's it. I'm done. If he wants to text me or go get coffee, it's on him to answer me. I am not going to make it my problem and I refuse to be upset over a guy.
#fran talks#whats worse is i miss matthew and im like no#no you're not allowed to contact him#stupid#i passed the hardest test of my life#i think i can get through this stupidity too
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Accepting Myself: Part of Community
It's indeed hard to become one.
Having a different beliefs of course is a thing. Having a different ethnic sometimes makes us couldn’t make it. Having the same gender will never match us up. Living in such a strict environment will lock it there, leaving us forever separated.
I'm surely don't know if I had explain this enough, because my thoughts about these has running through inside my brain for long, just that I haven't spoken out of it loud. I've started my journey years ago. Starting from generalizing people out of my disability to accept differences, act as if I hate those I secretly love, trying to familiarize myself on that, and slowly figuring out how to tolerate people; all that comes together by refusing my own self, trying so hard to show that I am not part of them.
The truth is, with all those readings about the unfamiliar community and everything I went through to finally let myself agree that they had rights just like other human being, didn't make me understand myself just yet. Because I saw mostly of us doing the same: accepting everyone else before our own, even till the point where you despise yourself, cursing-believing to the image in the mirror that one day that person surely get straight into the hell.
Long way to go, but I’m turning my first age of 20s to accept myself fully as a part of LGBTQ+ Community.
I've been going through much along my experiment to find who I really am. There was the time when I let myself do something that I thought was so taboo and "strictly forbidden": smoking cigarettes. It may sounds so lame yet had nothing to do with creating explosion that could change me so greatly, but my journey starts from there. Because that was the time I could finally cut ties with something people around me calls 'norm', the idea that people forced to be mine also. As I put myself together and try every single thing that was being part of things I believe should've always become my opposite, I found hints I've been searching on.
Playing with fire, seducing men. That's where I found myself free from the cages my trauma form inside me which always told me, I, a mere girl, are just their doll. My experience taught me who I am. A human with her own minds that has control of every single thing belongs to her and her body. Realizing what should've been taught before I had the very first interaction with strangers: no one could touch you without your permission at all. And also a prove to my beliefs, that men aren't superior even slightly comparing to women.
I got tired playing, realizing that myself is all to me. I throw one single experiment to become my last in this journey: getting myself into a relationship with a man. Not gonna lie, though. It was beautiful, my heart felt so familiar with him and I easily feel comfortable around. Until then we broke up and I realize: I was just trying to find my dad in him. The person I hate the most for some times, and I just want this boy to fill up the empty space. For me, my-dad-like type of person is the one I should never tolerate because he was the one who taught me to hate a relation, or to be precise, marriage by all of his acts. It was nice, just that I realized then: it wasn't my thing.
I won't close my door for any chance that could be happen to me in the future. But, if I could control my life just like how God let me living my life then I won't hesitate to skip the "normal" templates.
Being odd with 'him' who is also weird. Choosing to become the grey in the world that is full of black and white. The love I feel comes with nothing but obstacles. However, no matter what, it is still beautiful.
And us, still valid and still human after all.
[A writing that I wrote last year when I was turning 21. This is full English version.]
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Kenneth hagin healing scriptures mp3
KENNETH HAGIN HEALING SCRIPTURES MP3 DOWNLOAD
KENNETH HAGIN HEALING SCRIPTURES MP3 DOWNLOAD
I have the CD and the book, I have listened and read them over and over.A digital download will allow you to instantly download and enjoy this teaching rather than waiting a few days for a physical product to be shipped to you. Especially nice to listen too when I am too tired to read and just want to relax. When I was trusting God for a healing about 12 years ago, I wrote down healing scriptures and carried them with me all the time to read whenever I had time. Several months passed before my healing was manifested, but after I committed my problem to the Lord, I continued to thank Him, never doubting that He would see me through, and praise be to His Name, He did and I am stilled healed today. I am so thankful for the teaching I have received from your "Word of Faith" magazine and the many books, tapes and CDs, I have received from you. I truly appreciate having been introduced to your ministry as a young child, my mother, who has now passed on to glory, read your "Word of Faith" magazine faithfully. She was healed from arthritis when I was about 5 or 6 yrs., I can still remember how she suffered and when she was healed. This was the first time she was healed, at the time very few people in our area had been taught about divine healing and didn't want to hear anything about it and most refused to accept it. I am truly thankful that she had a receptive spirit and continued to trust the Lord throughout the remainder of her life. I am now 62 years old and have had many healings through out the years. I could never thank you or God enough for you Your ministry has had a great impact on my life. My husband and I listen to this CD whenever we deal with symptoms of sickness.īuilds your faith as you soak up God's promises for you. It is very comforting to hear the Word of the Lord when you don't feel well enough to read it. I like this CD very much because Brother Hagin includes the book, chapter and verse references for every Scripture he reads, so you can look it up for yourself if you desire. These scriptures were feeding faith to my spirit during a 6 hour operation. (The anestheologist even change the batteries in my replay recorder.) I had no pain despite extensive surgery and have been restored to complete health despite a worrysome diagnosis. The word of the Lord became truth over my body and my circumstances. Now I give these to others in needs of faith building - to play 24/ whether they are sick or not.If you need healing, you can’t sit back and wait for God to drop it down on you. That’s exactly what you have to do if you want to obtain healing. In fact, in every area of life obtaining the victory boils down to one thing: Just take God at His Word. What He says-what is written in His Word-is the absolute truth and it really will work if we will only take hold of it. The fact of the matter is, healing is no problem for the Lord. The only hard part is getting people to believe what He has said about it so they can receive their healing. He said it this way: “I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live” (Deuteronomy 30:19). We must choose to take what God has offered. And we must do that-“by force” Matthew 11:12 says. You have to do what it takes so you can rise up in faith and take what rightfully belongs to you! If you need a healing, you can’t sit back and wait for God to drop it down on you. Having faith in God and His Word is the bottom-line answer to every problem regardless of what others may say. People are not short of well-meaning advice. I’m sure you’ve figured that out, especially if you are believing God for healing. More than likely, you’ve also figured out that most of what people say is not productive advice. I can tell you from experience, the answers that actually work are found in one place-the Word. God’s Word has the power within it to bring itself to pass. Not only that, God’s Word teaches us to think His way which is the higher, better and smarter way (Isaiah 55:8-11). That becomes possible when His Word, His way of thinking, crowds out other thoughts and ideas. Then you can pray in faith and receive what you need. “Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray,” Jesus said, “believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them” (Mark 11:24). It means “to take.” We could say, “What things soever you desire when you pray, believe that you take them.” That is a brief lesson on faith right there! Faith believes it takes what is needed when it prays. That’s exactly what we must do when we pray for healing. He clamps down hard on that bone and refuses to turn loose of it! We must take healing like a dog takes a bone.
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caged bird | s.rogers, p.parker & b.barnes
[Warnings] dark!steve rogers x reader, dark!peter parker x reader, dark!bucky barnes x reader, polyamory, prison au, noncon/dubcon sex, this plot scenario is very unrealistic but oh well, reader makes a deal so she can survive, hella manipulation, dominants/submissive, oral sex (male recieving), hella angst, shower sex, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
A/N: this is like a really f’d up situation so enjoy :):):) i also wrote this over the span of two weeks so i’m sorry if the pacing is weird and (also x2) this is nowhere near canon
In which you have to make a deal with three devils in order to survive in The Cage.
word count: 4.8k
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Your eyelids were heavy though the bright light outside the bus was forcing you awake. Your limbs shackled to the seat, it reminded you that you had lost your freedom so quickly and that you’d probably never have a good night of sleep ever again, “How long?” Your mouth was dry, the heat from the wasteland you were driving through crept through the window.
“Twenty minutes, princess,” Officer Rumlow looked you over for the millionth time like you were fresh meat ready for the slaughter. His perceptions weren’t far off and that’s what scared you the most. You weren’t cut out for a place like the Cage.
A week ago you thought this place was fictional, a nightmare tale that was used to scare the new employees. It was still a nightmare but you were now living in it. You thought your heart might explode out of your chest as the facility finally came into view. Five stories of complete concrete surrounded by two, hundred-foot fences and surrounded by a barren wasteland.
You were the only one on the bus. The Cage rarely received new inmates due to the nature of crimes that the prison was built for. Vigilantes and government traitors. Many used to consider them heroes but they were unregulated and dangerous. That's how they ended up here and, your boss, Alexander Pierce had sold you out to save himself.
“When … W-When am I going to get my phone call?” You asked as the bus entered the gates of the prison, finally stopping at the processing center.
Rumlow chuckled, walking over to unchain your shackles from the floor of the bus, “Who are you going to call, princess? Mommy and Daddy?” He grabbed you roughly by your upper arm, pulling you out of your seat and dragging you down the steps of the bus.
You refused to accept that you had been erased. Your parents probably thought you were only missing, not that you had been wrongly accused of betraying the government and had been thrown into the most dangerous prison in the country.
“They can’t do this,” You winced as your arm stung, “No trial. No jury. T-This is illegal!”
Rumlow ignored you, and you had to pick up your pace in order to not fall down. Your eyes wandered around, the sun nearly blinding you and stinging your skin at the same time. You noticed in the distance a group of male inmates standing behind a wired fence, wearing the same navy jumpsuit as you, and even from far away, you could see cold and hungry glances.
You thought you were lucky for a minute since you were a woman but then you remembered what kind of women probably lived here. As you were brought inside, past several guards, through metal detectors and pat-downs.
When you got to the body cavity search, you expected to part way with Rumlow. Standing in a small, cold room, Rumlow stood in the doorway with his hands casually in the pockets of his pants, “Undress, inmate,” Your eyes widened and you quickly crossed your arms, “Slowly, if you don’t mind.”
“I-I do mind,” You said quickly, “I’m supposed to have a female officer-”
“You don’t get those kinds of privileges in the Cage. We don’t separate inmates by gender,” You shook your head as your eyebrows began to furrow.
“That’s insane-”
“Undress, inmate,” He said more sternly this time, “Or would you like me to do it for you? You’re lucky I don’t make you put on a show for the rest of the guards.”
You shook your head again, tears starting to form in your tired eyes, “Please don’t-” You tried to plead with him but, as you did, you watched him reach for his baton, “Okay, okay!”
Rumlow smiled a wicked smile, “Good. Bend over and cough, inmate. Let me see that cute, little ass of yours.”
+
When you finally got to see a female officer, she was escorting you to your cell. In your hands, you held the rest of your life which included one more set of clothes, bedding, and a toothbrush. You had to eat what the prison provided and you could only earn extra commissary from working. Hela tried to explain everything to you but you were only latching onto every other world.
You walked along a slim passageway which had cells to the right and a metal railing to the left. There were three floors of cells and they seemed to go all the way around in a circle. Passed the railing and in the middle of the dome was where it seemed most of the inmates were gathered.
The shouting, laughing, and fighting echoed through the dome and you couldn’t help but think those calls were for you. You could barely carry your bag of things and walk straight without stumbling. If they couldn’t send your weakness from your appearance then they’d surely sniff it out soon.
“This can’t be allowed,” You whispered to Officer Hela, though her dark hair mixed with the look of death in her eyes didn’t scream “empathy” to you, “There has to be some sort of rule-”
She stopped in front of an empty, six by eight-foot cell which told you that this would be your new home, “You can sit in solitary if you like,” She spoke coldly, “Your meals get brought to you and you don’t have to deal with the animals in here but there’s no time outside. It’s easy to lose track of the days and forget which voices are real and which ones are inside your head. If you prefer to go insane before you die then I’d recommend that route.”
There wasn’t much of a choice to make and you found your feet moving before your brain could register. You stepped inside the cell, setting down your things on the bottom bunk, “A girl like you is going to need to latch onto a group, pledge your allegiance, and do not let them question your loyalty. They live by a different code here and following it is life or death, do you understand?”
You slowly nodded as you listened and part of you was grateful that she wasn’t completely cold, “T-Thank you-”
She scoffed, “Such a precious little thing … I give you a week,” With that, she turned on her heel and you felt hopeless once again, “I’ll escort you to dinner-”
You shook your head, “I’m not hungry.” You were actually starving but you could not yet face the beast.
She only shrugged and pulled the door closed. The light above you flickered and you stared back down at your bunk. You were holding back your tears as you tried to make up your bed. Staring at the flimsy mattress material only made you more depressed so you decided just to lay down. Facing the wall, your tired eyes roamed over what was scribbled on the walls.
S.H.I.E.L.D. is evil.
S.H.I.E.L.D. is corrupt.
You hated that the words initially sent a wave of anger through you. You hated that you still felt loyal to that group of monsters. You were a low level worker with good standing and they had just sent you to die?
With your face tucked into your arm, you cried yourself to sleep.
+
The next day you had no choice but to face your fears. You couldn’t go any longer without food and, in a place like this, you needed to keep your energy up. Before the sun was even out, you heard the mechanical click of the cell door. Your favorite officer, Rumlow, made sure to stop by your cell during roll call.
“So you decided on general population,” He popped the gum he was chewing, looking you over, “I’m sad to hear it, I was gonna visit you every day in solitary but I guess we’ll get some alone time soon enough.”
You scowled at him and a shiver went through you as he continued pass your cell. You were now grateful that you had chosen general population.
That feeling didn’t last as inmates started moving from their cells down to breakfast. You stayed back, waiting to slip out of your cell when the crowd had passed. You lingered in the back of the line but no one seemed to notice you until you were in the kitchen line. The first reaction was a quiet murmur that went through the group of (mostly) men at the sight of you.
You didn’t quite match anyone's stature, not even the women. At least they looked like they could take care of themselves. You were sure that your face probably had dark circles and sunken in features. You looked down when you felt someone's eyes on you and you cringed at every word whispered about you.
“If I could just get my hands on her …”
“I wonder what a little girl like that could’ve done to get in here.”
“I’d be real gentle with her …”
“I wouldn’t … I’d make her scream …”
“Move along,” Hela barked at the inmates in the line. You tried to tune them out as a staff member handed you your tray of food. A stale piece of toast, plastic-looking eggs, peaches, and what looked like could be oatmeal.
It was when you turned away that you felt a pinch on your bottom. You turned around quickly only to find yourself staring at a chest rather than a face. As you looked up, a man with long, dark black hair stared down at you, “Aren’t you adorable?”
“I said move along, inmates,” You looked towards Hela for some sort of help but didn’t receive any.
When you looked back again, the man had disappeared. You shook it off, figuring that was the least of what you were about to experience today. As you stepped out into the middle of the dome, you remembered the advice that Hela had managed to give you.
There were cliques formed at each circular, metal table and you looked each one over as you walked past them. Again, people stared and said vile things but you spotted a table where two women were sitting. They were much older than you but the look you got from them was not maternal in the least.
“Can I… sit here?” You knew the answer based on their thin-lipped scowls.
You weren’t like any of them … you were fragile. Besides that, you used to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. and the organization was responsible for locking half of these people away. You kept walking, eventually finding an empty table to sit at.
All you could think about now was eating. You picked at your tray with your plastic fork, and with each bite of the food you cringed. The toast was also completely rock hard, “It helps if you dip it in water,” Your head snapped up as you felt a shadow over you before someone took a seat beside you.
You weren’t expecting someone so young and you certainly weren’t expecting a friendly smile. You stared at the handsome man with your mouth agape. You hadn’t realized what he meant until you looked back down at the bread in your hands, “Oh … I doubt anything would make this edible-”
He ran his hand through his light brown hair, before reaching into the pocket of his jumpsuit. On the table in front of you, he placed a twinkie. The entire room seemed to go quiet for a moment and you realized that everyone was watching the two of you.
“I can’t accept this …”
“Of course you can, it’s no big deal,” His brown eyes pierced into yours as he shrugged, “I’m Peter.”
The sugary, process food was calling your name but you still weren’t sure what his deal was, “T-Thank you,” Not wanting to come off rude, you accepted it, unknowingly beginning to seal your fate, “I’m … I’m-”
“Y/N Y/LN,” He finished for you which left your eyes wide with shock, “You’re already famous. The guards like to gossip and it’s rare we get new inmates so people get curious.”
“Oh,” You shifted uncomfortably in your seat.
“Don’t worry, some people in here care about your charges, how you got here, but not me,” He tried to reassure you, a smile tugging at his lips, “S.H.I.E.L.D. screwed us all and I don’t think there’s a point in playing who’s the better bad guy.”
You looked around. Now that you knew that people knew your charges and your history, you were starting to feel unsettled. The only thing keeping you grounded was him reassuring you that he didn’t care, “How long-” Your voice came out in a whisper, “How long have you been here?”
Peter took a breath as he thought for a moment, “Few years. Now I kinda forget that I was a normal teenager when this all started.”
Years. And he was a teenager when they brought him here? Did they have no limits to their cruelty?
“God,” You breathed out, overwhelmed, “I don’t think I can … do this-”
Peter reached out, placing a calm hand on your arm, “Hey, hey, you have to survive here. Whether you were meant to be here or not, you have to live like this is your reality. Looking like you’re about to vomit is not a good look to everyone else. I saw Loki over there … he’s an asshole touching you like that but it’s because he’s already sniffed you out.”
You nodded, trying to stay calm, “But I don’t know how to look … to look less weak.”
“For one, you’re going to have to start eating more and building some muscle,” You could tell by his grip on your arm that he was quite strong, “And the next time someone disrespects you, you have to stand up for yourself. You also can’t just bark like a little chihuahua. Maybe you could pick someone out, someone that you could win in a fight against.”
As Peter started to scan the room, you immediately started shaking your hand, “I can’t just attack someone,” You whisper-shouted, your eyes wide with worry.
Peter chuckled, “Not with that attitude. Maybe you could go for Heather over there,” He eyed a woman who was practically elderly, “She has a cane so even you could probably overpower though I’ve seen here use the thing as a weapon a few times-”
“Peter,” You spoke sharply, “There has to be another way.”
Peter looked into your eyes and you lost hope for a moment until he seemed to perk up, “I have some friends, we kind of run together in this place, looking out for each other,” Peter explained and you listened intently, hoping for a means of survival that didn’t require attacking an old lady, “I could probably convince them to start looking out for you too. But it won’t be easy, we take loyalty very seriously here, and it wouldn’t be without a cost to you.”
“What sort of cost?”
Peter shrugged, “Could be lots of things. They serve plums on Friday and Bucky loves those so maybe you’d show your support to the group by giving him yours. Something like that,” You followed Peter’s finger as he pointed two men out, one with dark hair and the other with light. Both were built like bodybuilders, “Steve’s a respected leader here and maybe you could help run messages for him.”
You nodded, “T-That sounds fair,” You paused for a moment as the men eyed you, “And for the twinkie? What do you want?”
“Now you’re starting to get it,” Peter grinned, “Eat it and that means you accept our claim. You’re one of us.”
“Can’t I have time to think about it?”
Peter seemed to hesitate for the first time, “I’m sure you won’t get a better offer,” Your face fell, “But sure. I’d be quick about it though. Those big, doe eyes aren’t going to work on everybody.”
+
The dark-haired one was following you. Loki, Peter called him, hadn’t taken his eyes off you ever since you parted ways with Peter yesterday. He and his greek god, blonde friend were now walking behind you as you made your way through the halls. They were pushing mop buckets, evidently taking a break from their cleaning duty.
You had gotten lost trying to find the hospital wing and now you were paying the consequences.
“Little bird … caged and unprotected,” He taunted you and your heartbeat quickened as you tried to keep from looking back, “Not even the guards want to save her. Poor thing.”
“It seems she’s in need of protecting, brother.”
“Protecting? If I got my hands on her, the last thing I’d think of is being gentle-”
You turned into the first room you passed, expecting to find somewhere to hide but you only seemed to encounter more people. It was the TV room, a staticy old television airing a baseball game was hanging in the corner of the room, and a bunch of men were sitting at different tables.
They all turned their heads to you as you interrupted and you immediately recognized the two men from Peter’s loyal “group”. Bucky and Steve. Your heart was out of your chest at the point and you found yourself whispering a “sorry” before turning back towards the door. Loki and his brother, however, were waiting patiently.
Loki leaned in the doorway, eyeing you like you were fresh meat.
“Is this jackass bothering you, hon?” Your eyes wide with fear, you quickly realized that it wasn’t Loki taunting you. The dark-haired man’s, you remembered Peter calling him Bucky, voice boomed through the room.
You froze.
“Don’t you have toilets to scrub, Laufeyson?” The light hair man with a thick beard spoke, and by the look on his face you could tell he was a man of power. Not so much power-hungry but someone that demanded respect and often received it.
Loki scoffed, looking over you again, “As far as I know, this one is free territory.”
“Well, this room is my territory and guess where she happens to be standing,” Loki’s jaw clenched at Steve’s words.
“C’mere, hon,” Bucky spoke to you, signaling to cross the room. She hesitated but only for a moment as you realized your choices were Peter’s friends or letting Loki, have you. You crossed the room cautiously towards them, everyone now looking at you. You paused awkwardly in front of the table but a small yelp left your lip as Bucky grabbed you by the arm, spinning you into his lap.
“See,” Steve said as you uncomfortably tried your best not to squirm, “Don’t touch things that aren’t yours, Laufeyson.”
You felt a hand clench your thigh and cringed.
“Aye, aye, Captain.”
As soon as Loki stormed away, you stood up, brushing whatever wrinkles had formed in your jumpsuit. Amused, Bucky smiled at you, “You could at least thank us,” Bucky leaned forward and you tried not to scowl.
“Thank you,” You whispered.
“Good girl,” Bucky smirked.
“Lang, get Y/N a chair,” Steve ordered another man in the room. He was quick to obey the command and, even though you were in a new place, you felt you’d been transported into an entirely new planet.
“You don’t have to-”
“Sit,” Steve said as the chair was placed beside you, “You can leave when you give us an answer to the offer Peter mentioned yesterday.”
You had thought long and hard about Peter’s offer and decided last night that you wanted to reject it. It wasn’t until now that you realized your decision was a mistake. There was no telling when you’d be getting out of this place, Peter had been here for years, and it seemed you were already a target.
You’d even heard a rumor that the guards placed bets on how long you’d survive in here.
“Yes …” You nodded your head, “That’s my answer.”
Steve's lips pulled into a small grin as he eyed his friend across the table, “Good choice, doll.”
+
A week later and you were still alive and relatively untouched. Bucky was quite handsy but Peter reminded you that it was just protocol. Everyone had to know that you were a part of their group and that, if you were harmed, they’d have to deal with Steve and his minions.
Like Peter said, there were quite a few sacrifices you had to make. Your new job in the kitchen allowed you to provide the group with all the food they wanted and when you weren’t working, you were running errands for Steve. You got an idea of all the inmate leaders and how they functioned as a society.
Steve seemed to be at the very top and you realized the possible consequences of crossing someone like him. Still, you felt more pampered than like you were a part of some elaborate prison gang. Most of your wishes were theirs to grant.
They let you watch whatever you wanted in the TV room. Bucky always called you pet names that you were starting to grow fond of. Steve had some pull with the guards so Rumlow was never around to bother you anymore. Peter even found you a set of paints to occupy your time in your cell. As long as you followed them around like their cute little puppy, they were quite nice to you.
“C’mon, run a lap with me. You gotta build your strength,” Peter asked you, his face sweaty and shining under the baking sun. He was shirtless, the shirtsleeves of his uniform wrapped around his waist, and his magnificent physique was on display just like Steve and Bucky’s. During rec time in the courtyard, you’d become accustomed to standing by the fence and watching them lift weights.
“I’m good, thanks,” You smiled awkwardly, “I get tired just from watching you guys.”
“Peter’s right,” Steve let out a breath as he dropped his hundred-pound dumbbell.
“I just …” Your voice trailed off as Steve eyed you with his strong gaze. You knew that what he said goes but you were growing nervous, “I don’t want to get sweaty.”
“You’re serious?” Bucky chimed in, a curious look on his face.
“Is that like a girl thing I don’t know about?” Peter flashed you an amused look and your cheeks began to heat with embarrassment.
“Y/N?” Steve could see that you were hiding something.
You crossed your arms, sighing, “I just don’t want to have to shower, okay?”
“You haven’t showered since you’ve been here?” Peter asked incredulously.
“I have!” You quickly defended yourself, “I mean, I’ve just been using the sink in my cell.”
“I see what this is about,” Bucky had a knowing look on his face, “Dollface is scared of the communal showers.”
Peter’s mouth formed the shape of an “o” as he realized what was going on. You still felt so embarrassed. It was yet another thing that made you seem totally defenseless.
“Is that true?” Steve asked and you were beginning to feel overwhelmed by their concerned gazes, “Why didn’t you tell us? Next time, one of us will keep watch for you. No one’s gonna bother you.”
Maybe it was the isolation or the fact that your life would never be the same again. Maybe it was the fact that you’d never see your family again or that you cried yourself to sleep every night. That might be the reason you felt that they genuinely cared for you and why you wanted to fully embrace the comfort that they were providing.
Maybe that was why you wanted to belong to them.
+
For the first time, you were reminded of your old life. You weren’t sure how long you’d lost yourself under the water, letting time get away from you, as the warm water cascaded along your skin. The showers had a sorry excuse for water pressure and, despite the creepiness of the beige tiles and flickering light above, when you closed your eyes you were in paradise.
“All clean, beautiful?” Bucky’s voice brought you out of your trance. Suddenly you were back in the square room with showerheads lining each wall. You wiped the water from your eyes before turning off the water.
“Y-Yes, I’m almost done!” You shouted back, grabbing your towel from off the hook. You pressed it to your face, drying your skin. You were quite grateful that they’d taken the extra steps to make you feel protected, “Bucky-”
As you turned around, that feeling of gratitude quickly turned to something resembling fear. He was supposed to wait for you outside the bathroom and yet, there he was, only three feet away from you.
“What are you-”
He looked over you hungrily and you pressed your towel closer to your body, “You have no idea how long it's been since I’ve been with a beautiful woman like you … Steve too. And Peter, he’s just learning the ropes.”
You took a step back, towards the wall, and as you did you caught a glimpse behind Bucky’s towering figure. Both Steve and Peter were here, stalking closer.
“You said you’d protect me…” Your voice cracked, your hands beginning to shake.
“We will,” Steve spoke, determined, “No one else but us will touch you.”
“Nothing in here is without a cost, Y/N,” Peter seemed a bit solemn like his current life was not what he wanted it to be but he was just as hungry, if not more, as Bucky.
Bucky grabbed you then, his eyes impatient, and you wrestled for your towel for only a moment before he easily snatched it away from you. A helpless squeal left your mouth as he grabbed you by the arm with one hand and placed his other hand between your legs. He grabbed your thigh tightly and as his hand moved further up, you found yourself paralyzed.
“Good girl. You’re going to take all of us,” Bucky spoke quietly, shushing you, his grip growing tighter and tighter. Before you knew it, all three of them were surrounding you, their curious hands wandering over your wet skin. Grabbing your breast, your thighs, turning your face to bite at your neck.
“Get on your knees,” Steve grunted against your ear, growing impatient like his friend.
When you didn’t move, Peter was the one to push you down onto the cold floor. You hiccuped, trying not to hyperventilate as they overwhelmed you from each side. As they all started to pull down their clothes, you made one final attempt at trying to crawl away.
Steve grabbed you by your throat, making your efforts futile, pushing your face towards his crotch. You felt it, hard and throbbing against your cheek, “Open up, don’t make this hard, doll,” Through the corner of your eye, you saw Bucky stroking his own length, waiting patiently for his turn.
Steve grabbed you by your hair next, pressing your closed lips against his tip. He forced himself in your mouth, “There you go,” Steve grunted, pushing himself deeper, “Move that tongue around.”
Steve Rogers could make your life a living hell in the Cage. Was this really the price you had to pay in order to survive here? You couldn’t imagine it being any worse than this but Steve could make that possible. That’s why you started to swirl your tongue like he said, deciding that their orgasms would end your pain.
Bucky was much rougher than Steve, pinching your nose closed and enjoying watching your eyes widen and water. He practically touched the back of your throat and still commanded you to stroke Peter and Steve’s cocks with your hands while you took him in your mouth. Somehow, you managed.
Peter was much more gentle and you were grateful for that. His hands rested softly on the back of your head, guiding your mouth slowly up and down his length, “God, this is awesome,” He cursed, his head tilting back as he enjoyed the stimulation. When he finally finished, his warmth filled your mouth and before you could spit or catch your breath, Bucky grabbed you again.
He came so far down your throat that you were forced to swallow it but, unlike him, Steve took his time, “This little mouth. Is ours. Every single hole. Is ours. No one else, do you understand?” With each sentence, he thrust hard until he filled your mouth. You leaned over, coughing as you felt the stinging of your sore throat.
You were about to collapse onto the dirty cold floor when gentle arms lifted you up into a broad chest. You found yourself not fighting, only pressing your face into Bucky’s chest as you began to sob.
Steve didn’t have to say anything more. You understand your new position and there wasn’t anyone else there to save you from that fate.
That night you learned there was a change to your cell assignment. You’d sleep in Steve’s arms, a little bird that was safe and protected in it’s cage.
+
hope you enjoyed!! i’m posting this instead of sleeping because I have class in this morning :)
#dark fic#dark peter parker#dark bucky barnes#dark steve rogers#dark!peter#dark!bucky#dark!steve#dark!steve rogers#dark!steve x reader#dark!stucky x reader#peter parker#steve rogers#bucky barnes au#bucky barnes#steve rogers au#prison au#polyamory#menage#peter parker smut#bucky barnes smut#stucky x reader#winter spider#tom holland#chris evans#sebastian stan#the devil all the time
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reading every article in my twitter likes part 3
part one part two
took a break to bake some cookies and read a few chapters of Darcie Little Badger's new YA novel, but now it's back to the grind. for those of you playing along at home, I've made it as far back as my likes from early November 2021.
article 41: "Twitter Is The Worst Reader" by noted Fonda Lee on the twitterish tendency to assume the worst of everyone - particularly women, people of color, and other marginalized folks - at all times. of particular note is this scathing observation of twitter mobs demanding apologies from the targets of their harassment: "Never in the history of Twitter have I ever seen an apology be accepted or actually reduce the abuse leveled. One hundred percent of the time, they are dissected for inadequacy and insincerity, held up as proof of the offender’s malicious intent all along, and used as kindling to further fan the flames."
pried from behind the cold and unforgiving paywall of the New York Times it's article 42: "The Mark Zuckerberg Aesthetic" by Amanda Hess. I'm so tired of this utterly banal cyberpunk dystopia. there's not even any neon. and I would rather swallow a live iguana than ever have to interact with Zuck's shitty little metaverse.
article 43: "We Were Too Stupid for Jennifer's Body" by twitter user @/SamFateKeeper. did NOT expect this to talk so much about post-9/11 conservatism but I love the journey I've been taken on.
anyway probably should have mentioned that we've crossed the line back into tweets from October 2021.
article 44: "Thackery Binx is not Trans Masc, Sorry, and Neither is Rufio, or the Concept of Jonathan Taylor Thomas" from Julian K. Jarboe's substack. what a buckwild analysis of... something? characters that transmasc dudes of a certain age tend to project onto? also just a fantastic series of digs at poor useless Thackery Binx.
article 45: "New roots: Black musicians and advocates are forging coalitions outside the system" by Jewly Hight at NPR (our first NPRticle!). incredibly exciting to discover so many of my faves in this article - Amythyst Kiah! Yola!! Lizzie No!!! - discussing the way they've fought for space in a genre so heavily dominated by white artists. also a lot of cool new names to know - go listen to Roberta Lea n o w.
you guys are not gonna believe this but article 46 is ANOTHER entry from Ijeoma Oluo's substack. this time it's "All Of the Outrage You Could Ever Want." it's about "cancel culture," it's about accountability, it's about hierarchies of perceived value, you know the drill.
article 47: back to BuzzFeed for another article by Scaachi Koul, "Emily Ratajkowski’s New Book Tests The Limits Of Self-Awareness." an unsurprising and very fair criticism of Ratajkowski's essay collection, which I am still very much looking forward to reading based on my great appreciation of her September 2020 essay in New York Mag about experiences with an exploitative photographer. I don't need to her to solve the conundrum of benefitting from her objectification; I'm content to pick a stranger's brain.
article 48: speaking New York Mag, we've got "You Can Still Say 'Woman' But You Shouldn't Stop There" by Irin Carmon. I've never in my life seen such an impressive collection of pissbaby justifications for refusing to use inclusive language to talk about reproductive rights. grow up lmao.
article 49: everyone stop sharing that fake Bible verse about how Jesus was transmasc and read this article by Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg queering Joseph of the infamous technicolor dreamcoat.
article 50 (can you BELIEVE I've done 50 of these? 40 of which I've read over the course of a single Saturday?): the intriguingly titled "The Politics of 'Jewface'" by Rebecca Pierce at Jewish Currents. an almost undeservedly thoughtful response to some comments that, at a guess, Sarah Silverman did not think about for more than approximately 0.003 seconds before making.
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Third Wheeling
CEO!Yoongi x Reader
Genre: Strangers to Lovers!AU, Angst, Fluff, Smut
Chapter 24.
Warnings (Updating Still): Smut, Cheating, Unexpected Pregnancy, Unfaithful, Emotional Damage, Love
A/N: Really really huge thank you to my queen @xjoonchildx for making me the newspaper clippings. I love them so much! This is one of my favorite chapters because of how fun it looks! And as always I couldn’t have done it without @ladyartemesia and @ppersonna
Yoongi takes a deep breath, letting the September air fill his lungs. Who knew life could be so fucking trying?
He turns his head to you, hearing your soft footsteps down the marble stairs. He notices the small splotches of paint on your skin and it fills him with a sense of calm. You're a sight for sore eyes.
"My baby," he breathes, leaving his glass of whisky on the outdoor patio and walking back into the mansion to be with you.
"I'm all dirty," you mumble, picking at the dried paint on your hands.
"I can make you dirtier." your fiance quips and you give him a lopsided grin at his joke.
His joke doesn't match his mood and your eyebrows furrow as his arms wrap around you.
You know just how stressed he is. You know just how much his heart hurts everyday that Sera refuses to sign the divorce papers. It wouldn't be nearly as bad if you didn't seem to be growing more and more everyday.
His chin rests atop your head and he stares past you to the two marble staircases that lead up to either wing.
Even though Sera is no longer here and she's in the guest house with Jin and your dog, her ghost seems to haunt the CEO at every turn.
"I want to buy a new house." he grumbles, pulling away and looking down at you.
"Why?" you ask softly, running your hands lovingly over his arms.
"This house fills me with nothing but bad memories. I see the leech everywhere I turn… I hate that. I want a fresh start." he admits, caressing your distended sides.
You hum in agreement. "Is it too much for you right now? You have so much on your plate. Let's look for a house together when we get married," you suggest.
Just the thought of marrying you makes his heart flip inside of his chest. The thought of holding you in his arms everyday until his last is miraculous and special.
"When we buy the new house, you can decorate it any way you want." he promises.
"Oh, I plan on it." you reply, pulling him towards the stairs.
"Where are we going?" he asks curiously, letting you take him with you.
"You need a distraction, baby boy."
He shivers at your tone, how strict it is. A small smile spreads over his face as he trudges up the stairs with you. "Yes, Mistress. I do."
"Jin?!" Sera calls, dropping her bags down at the front of the guest house.
She promised him she'd try and she thinks she's doing well so far. She only complains thirty percent of the day which is a lot better than the eighty percent she's used to. She's even held her tongue a few times when Jin has told her he's going to hang out with Leena.
"I'm getting ready for work, mouse." he calls back from upstairs.
His velvet voice fills her with joy and she rushes up the stairs without a second thought.
"Can I come with you?" she begs, peeking into his bedroom.
His hands wrap and tug at his tie as he turns to her with a raised eyebrow.
"No. You're still married." he states as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
She scoffs gently, wrinkling her nose. There's something about how quick and dexterous his fingers are as he ties his tie that sends her stomach coiling.
He still hasn't had sex with her and he hasn't even kissed her after that fated day when she begged him to stay with her.
"Why not?" she whines softly, leaning against the door jamb.
Seokjin chuckles gently, rolling his eyes. "Because you won't sign the divorce papers, like a normal person." he announces.
"Why do you keep bringing it up?! It's always 'divorce this or divorce that,' aren't you tired of saying it yet?" the actress cries out.
Jin grabs his suit jacket, sighing so loudly that it scares the woman behind him.
"Yes, actually. I am tired of saying it. You should just do it."
"But why? It has nothing to do with you." she mumbles.
Turning to her, he tilts his head. "Yes it does. If you don't get divorced, I'm not staying with you. I'm not going to be the guy that makes another man a fucking cuckold. I don't want that, that's fucking disgusting. There's nothing for you in your marriage anymore. You don't get any money, you've been cut off, you don't love Yoongi, you don't even care! So why are you being so stubborn about signing a damn paper?"
She looks down at the floor, playing with the ends of her hair, not wanting to answer.
"Because you're spiteful," Jin answers for her, "but your spite is literally making my pregnant best friend sick. She's a nervous wreck because of you, Sera. I hate that. You have everything in the world you could possibly want. And you can't just sign a few fucking papers?"
Jin whistles for Gaesu as he squeezes past the actress in the doorway.
"I just-"
"You don't want to give up something because you're greedy. Yeah, I get it. You want others to be miserable because you've always been miserable your whole life," he turns to her, cupping her soft face and staring down into her amber eyes, "You don't need to continue to be an asshole. You need to focus on becoming a better fucking person. Not everything needs your input, sometimes you can just let everything go and you can start again on your own. Like now, you don't want to be with Yoongi, you want to be with me. And I see that you're trying, you're doing great so far. But I can only work with you as long as you work with me. And you still being married isn't working with me. It's the opposite."
She swallows thickly, looking up into his blazened mocha irises. He's so serious that it sends a shiver down her spine. When she whimpers gently, whether it's out of need or fear that he'll leave, he brushes his soft thumbs against the apples of her cheek.
"When you sign the papers, I'll sleep in your bed." he promises, pulling away.
She blinks once, twice, three times, watching him walk away from her.
Gaesu follows closely behind your best friend, excited to go to work with him.
"S-So I can't come to the club?!" she calls leaning over the banister.
"No, mouse, Leena will be there and I'm spending the night with her." Jin calls back, grabbing his car keys.
"What?! She touched you in front of me and you're just going to hang out with her again?!" she screams, hanging over the banister.
"One. Be careful, you might hurt yourself. And two, I'm sorry to break it to you but Leena has touched me so many times that her touch feels normal to me at this point. My best friend coming to hang out with me is perfectly fine. And what's more, her boyfriend will be there." your best friend calls back, opening the front door and leaving without another word.
"Fine. We'll see," Sera seethes through her teeth, walking towards her room.
Stepping into Miyoung's art studio, the natural light that bleeds through the glass ceiling really seems to highlight all of the paintings that line the walls.
"Well, if it isn't the famous artist in my very midst." Miyoung quips, stepping down the slightly curved staircase.
You smile up at the pretty woman, leaning against the wall with two coffee cups in hand.
You can see how Yoongi was always fond of Miyoung at a young age, she's beautiful and quirky with everything she does. Even her clothes scream unique and you love that.
The brown French beret that hangs from the side of her head and the long blue corduroy dress she has on screams artistry and you adore it.
"Brought you some coffee," you quip, holding up one.
"You shouldn't be drinking coffee, pregnant lady." she jeers, finally reaching the ground floor and wrapping her arms around you.
"Mine is decaf, thank you very much." you joke back, accepting the hug with open arms.
When you both turn to the walls of art where your paintings were, it's surprising to see the walls almost empty.
The people that walk to and fro with their hands respectfully behind their make your heart bloom with pride.
"Do you wanna know how much money you've made?" Miyoung whispers in your ear, a playful smile spreading on her face.
You roll your eyes, nudging her with your hip. "You know I don't care about that stuff."
"That's why you'll make tons of money." she murmurs back, earning a laugh from you.
People notice you easily when you laugh, turning to you with wide eyes. It's a bit strange to be recognized now because of the Dispatch pictures and it's even stranger when they begin to approach like they know you.
Yoongi's best friend from childhood doesn't stand for it for a second and within seconds she's fending them off with a polite smile.
"Pregnant women don't like to be crowded, if you have any questions about art, please come to me. I'm very in touch with the woman beside me." Miyoung announces, waving her hands for the people to move back.
When she shows you to the art gallery office, it feels like an out of body experience. "There were so many people." you breathe out, sitting down on the loveseat beside her large desk.
"You became famous pretty much overnight. What do you expect? People are salivating for more of your art." she announces, sipping her coffee.
It's such a bizarre thing to hear when you've only ever done painting as a hobby.
"Should I start making more art, you think?" you inquire, crossing your legs and leaning back into the comfy couch.
She hums, tilting her head. "No. I don't think so. I think you make people wait for more. Obviously not too long. But it's good to get people curious and excited for what you're going to do next, y'know? Finish the art for the mall and hotel. Have the baby and then start making more art. You've made millions of dollars on the thirty pieces you've released. That's enough to get people really excited for the next release."
You nod understandingly, letting your eyes drift over the two paintings you've created for her office.
"You're my most successful client ever. I'm proud of it." Miyoung says, making you giggle.
Your heart feels warm in her presence and you can understand why your fiance has always been fond of her. She's an amazing woman.
"Call Minho to help you get downstairs when you're ready."
"Is that necessary?" you quip, sipping your coffee.
"Of course! You're famous now." she gasps, leaning over her glass desk with a playful smile.
Yoongi sighs loudly, throwing his suit pants into his luggage.
He hasn't been able to relax for a single second. He can only pray that paparazzi in Japan aren't as desperate as Koreans.
Staring down at the multitude of watches that spin on their platforms, he gets lost in his worries.
You're giving birth in only three months time. How is he going to cope? What kind of father is he going to be? Is he going to live up to what he wants? Are you going to be proud of him?
He's so worried.
But he's more worried about the leech. When the fuck is she going to sign that goddamn paper?
He opted for platonic parting rather than suing, because it would be messier that way but Sera is so spiteful that he doesn't know what to expect. He knows Jin is trying his hardest to rein her in but who knows how long that will take. It's nerve wracking to say the least.
Yoongi's eyes flutter shut as your arms wrap around him like needy vines. The feeling of your rotund belly against his back has him sighing so softly it barely reaches your ears.
"How are the paintings coming?" he asks gently, turning around in your grasp to cup your face with both hands.
"They're almost finished." you reply, hugging him tightly.
He hums sweetly, letting his lips drift over your forehead. "Have you packed for Japan?" he murmurs, letting the sweet scent of your lavender shampoo enrapture his senses.
"I packed a little this morning, but I got caught up in my inspiration. I have to finish." you announce, putting your cheek to his bare chest.
The warmth of you against his body is so welcome during his time of uneasiness. "I'll help you pack. Just hold me for a little while. It feels good." your fiance breathes out, squeezing his eyes closed tighter.
You're so comfortable within his arms, you have no intention of moving. You can feel his rapid heartbeat and you know exactly why he's on edge but you don't bring it up.
Late nights in your post-coital glow, you've talked extensively about both of your worries and you've come to the realization that they're the same fears.
"I'm going to have to stay inside in Japan, aren't I?" you quip, looking up at him.
He snorts gently, putting his chin on the top of your head. "Probably yes. Does that upset you? I bought out the penthouse so there's a lot for you to do."
His voice is wrapped with guilt but you decide to not dwell on it. Just going somewhere with him is enough for you. You don't care if you have to stay inside, it'll be nice to leave the country for the first time with him by your side.
"Plus, y'know, soon you'll be too big to go anywhere. That's what the doctor said." he whispers.
You smile into his chest, accepting his soft voice. "I know. I'm happy to be going anywhere with you."
His thumb and index finger capture your chin, he tilts your head up so your eyes meet. It's so easy to fall into his mocha irises and the smile that spreads over your lips is so natural. When he bends down, your breath stutters in your throat and the feel of his lips on yours is something so sensational, there are no words that could describe this.
"I love you, little dove."
"I love you too."
Jin should have known Sera wouldn't take kindly to Leena showing up at the club. But he didn't think she would go so far as to show up to the club.
She looks completely terrifying sitting in her booth. She's alone and completely menacing. Even with all of the people around she can find Seokjin in a matter of seconds no matter where he goes and he doesn't know whether to find it attractive or completely scary.
"She's staring at you again," Leena quips, leaning deeper into Taehyung's embrace.
Seokjin hums in agreement, looking down at his Italian leather shoes.
"Just go talk to her or some shit. She's making me uncomfortable," Leena whines, nudging her best friend.
Jin looks over at the actress and he sighs loudly. Her eyes are narrowed at him and her lips are parted over the champagne glass in her hand.
When he stands, he can see her body go rigid with excitement.
"Good luck, bro." Taehyung laughs, kissing over his girlfriend's exposed shoulder.
It's a quick walk over to Sera's booth as Jin wades through the groups of people on the dance floor.
When he steps up to the platform, he can see how nervous she is.
"Why did you come? You know that's trouble." he chides her, sitting down in the booth.
"Because she was coming." she sneers, nodding her head to Leena.
The eye roll Jin gives is so severe that it sends chills down Sera's spine.
"You came all the way here, got snapped by the paparazzi, ordered thousands of dollars of alcohol, because you were jealous that Leena is here?! You're such a baby." he scoffs, pouring himself a glass of champagne.
"I just wanted to be here with you too," she admits meekly.
Jin looks her over before zipping up her dress to cover her exposed cleavage. "Behave tonight. Do you understand me, Kim Sera? I'm tired of having to worm my way out of awkward situations."
She nods gently and when she gets a small smile from him it makes her pride expand tenfold.
"Will you sleep in bed with me tonight?" she asks softly, sliding down the booth to be beside him.
He snorts gently, letting his arms expend over the top of the seat. "Not until you sign the papers. You know this. Don't push your luck." he chides, poking her cheek softly.
She pouts gently, looking down at the hem of her dress.
"All I have to do is sign the papers and you'll be with me?" she asks unsurely.
Jin hums in agreement, pushing some hair behind her ear. "All you have to do is free Yoongi from this marriage and you can have me." he promises.
Her cheeks puff out as she thinks, is anything ever really that simple? She's never found it to be so.
"I'll think about it." she breathes out.
That's good enough for Jin at the moment and for the first time in a long time he smiles widely at her. The expression is so blinding that her heart stutters in the recesses of her chest.
Yoongi is so completely thrilled when he throws both of your luggages to the penthouse floor.
"Wow," you breathe out, rushing over to the large windows.
Your fiance's smile is sweet and soft as he folds his arms, leaning against the gold wall.
The scenery that meets your eyes is indescribably beautiful. The way the gentle breeze in the Osaka air blows cherry blossom petals from their trees and the countless gardens that scatter the grounds below set such mysticality into your bones.
"There's an infinity pool up here for us. It's warm," Yoongi announces, walking towards you.
Your hand lands on your stomach as you watch the petals blow in the breeze. "This is beautiful," you say aloud.
The father of your child's lips are soft against the back of your neck and in your entrancement, you hadn't even heard him come close to you.
"You're beautiful. Anything for you, little dove." he promises, placing both of his hands on your stomach.
The stress seems to melt away as you stare out the window with your fiance behind you. His lips are soft and plush against the column of your neck and it wipes your mind completely blank.
When your fingers card through his hair, the gentle puft of air that warms your neck makes your legs weaker.
"I love you." Yoongi breathes.
There's nothing sexual about his touch, it's just pure passion that seems to bleed through his fingertips. But the feeling of him so close is so heavenly.
The soft classical music that plays throughout the large room is so peaceful and your worries float away for just a little while.
Next Chapter ------>
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#third wheeling#thebtswritersclub#btswritingcafe#yoongi x you#ceo!bts#ceo!yoongi#ceo!au#bts fic#min yoongi#yoongi fic#yoongi smut#smut
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