LISTEN, listenlistenlisten. james will never hate sirius. he cannot breathe without him. he cannot eat without him. he cannot sleep. they are all wrapped up in one another - blood and bones and gore. but. BUT. i will never believe any telling of the prank in which james does not lose it on him. not for some moral reason, not for something so trivial as sirius doing the wrong thing. but because, in that moment, sirius violates the most sacred thing to james. his boys. his family. the four of them. it has nothing to do with right or wrong or snape being, or not being, killed. it has to do with the betrayal of remus. of this thing. this thing between the four of them - this home, this hearth, this fire that warms our skin and lights our way. it is meant to be the most important. it is meant to be sacred. james would die for it. he would kill for it. he would eat himself alive for it. and he believed - in his heart of hearts - he believed that sirius felt the same. and then. AND THEN. im sorry but there is no way that james shrugs that off. i mean this betrayal is biblical. blood of my blood. bone of my bones. how could you do this? and more than making him question sirius, it makes him question himself, does he even know himself? what kind of person is he? he flicks through a thousand memories, picking them apart, for all the moments where he let remus down. let peter down. his world is shaken by this. he will never hate sirius. he will always let him back in. always forgive him eventually, because he cannot live without him. but the prank is a bruise that never heals. that they, all four of them, press on every once and a while. to remind themselves what a sharp blade love is.

katsuki jumps, startlingly, when you rub a hand up his back.

he's leaned too far down, bent over the counter at an angle that will give him an ache he'll complain about later, and his head whips up as you come to stand beside him. an e-mail on his phone is what previously had his full attention, but now he looks at you, eyes softening as you lean into his shoulder.

he's never been a very touchy guy. even after a year into your relationship, it's most often you reaching for his hand as you walk down the street; you pressing a kiss into his cheek while watching a movie on the couch; you running a hand through his hair as his breath steadies out beside you in bed.

it's not something you really complain about. you know how he is, knew before anything developed between the two of you, and you can't say it's a deal-breaker. there's little you know about his previous relationships or if he even had any, but you have the painful-gut feeling that affection just isn't something he's used to.

you press a smile into the sleeve of his shirt and his spine relaxes under your hand, finds that awful curve again. he watches you like he's waiting for something, tracing the tender details of your face.

"love you," you say, because do and you want to voice it aloud, put it into his mind even though you know he knows. as expected, his lips flatten into a wavering little line, shy suddenly, and your teeth wet the fabric of his shirt when you smile.

all you get is a little grunt in response and he dips his chin down in a wordless nod, accepting your lovey-dovey assault. it makes him feel a little helpless, you know, but you bring up an arm to wrap around him as he turns back to his phone, ears pink.

katsuki straightens with a dull pop!, stretching his arms up and allowing you to shuffle closer, so that your head is resting on his chest. you press your ear to it and wait, eyes closed, until the heavy promise of his heartbeat echoes like a drum in your ear. it's loud, and after a moment, your own falls into sync, right where it belongs.

"'s'wrong?"

"hm?" you glance up at him, the frown on his pink face, before breathing in the clean scent of his laundry soap. your laundry soap. and then you shake your head. "nothin'. just missed you."

"been home all day."

"i know," you sigh, letting your eyes fall shut again. the sound of his phone locking clicks and you can feel the slight down-slide of his sweatpants when he pockets it. "sometimes i miss you even though you're right here."

you expect — something; another grunt or laugh through his nose, a raspy little noise that voices his confusion. things like this can be hard for him; you know how he is, knew before anything ever developed between the two of you — but you don't think it makes him any less deserving.

katsuki steps back from you a little, and you feel the hesitant rise of his arm before you feel it. his hand comes up to your face — pink and scarred in your peripheral vision — and he tilts your head up, waits until you open your eyes.

when you do, it looks as if a million things are running through his head. his poker-face is good, it has to be, but you can see little bits of his vulnerability shining through. you wonder how long it's been since he showed it to anybody. he almost looks sad.

katsuki squeezes your cheeks until your lips pucker, and his frown deepens when you laugh. "y're so...damn weird."

that's along the lines of what you were anticipating: one of his teasing little insults, warm with a fire he's still learning how to kindle. you don't get the chance to say anything before he's kissing you, eyes shut tight, lashes brushing against your own.

you expect something soft, because affection is a fickle thing, from him — but his hand never falls from your face and his tongue is sliding with yours suddenly, a heated gesture that throws your heart out of whack. you let him kiss you as deeply as he can, until your back arches painfully backward over the counter as he leans into you.

when he pulls away, his lips are a little swollen and his cheeks are burning, as he presses one into yours. "i—jus'—" katsuki tries and then abandons it, a hand curling into the material of your shirt. "i get it." he murmurs, there, into the heated skin of your face, heart beating in time with yours.

things like this are hard with him — but he makes them so, so worth it.

hey y’all!

so i’ve been considering this a lot in the past few weeks, and figured i’d make an official post so you all know i’m alive and what not since i have been very much inactive as of recently.

i’m taking a break.

not forever! not because of anything in the fandom! this break is solely due to personal life reasons and the fact i just can’t be as active on here right now between my jobs and personal affairs. and it also won’t be long — i’m going to be off here probably through the end of november. if i have the time/mental capacity to come back before then, i absolutely will 🖤 but right now, tumblr isn’t something that fits easily within my days and also, writing for my fics hasn’t been something i can easily do not due to lack of inspiration but lack of time.

again, this is just due to my own personal life currently. nothing happened in the fandom that motivated this decision (i honestly don’t even know what’s happening on here currently solely because i haven’t had the time to scroll lol) and it’s very much not permanent, and will HOPEFULLY be very short. like i said, until the end of november. i’ll still be writing in my free time, and my hope is to be able to update fics once i’m back and worse better than ever! 🖤

see y’all in december <3

“I can’t- I need to go home.” 

“No, don’t go.” He reaches toward her but stops himself just before he grabs her, bringing his arm back towards his body like the very thought of pulling Y/N back to him burned. 

She turns to him, tears brimming. “I-, no! I can’t do this anymore, Harry.” He watches as she wipes a tear. She hadn’t looked at him since they’d returned to his apartment. “All the big sighs, the angry looks. You clearly hate Xander, or maybe you hate me being here.” She chooses this point to look him dead in the eye, and Harry feels his stomach turn. 

“But you won’t say it. I keep- I thought you would but you haven’t. So what the fuck am I meant to do, huh Harry?” 

There’s no confusion in Harry’s voice when he speaks, only a sort of dejection that Y/N hates. She hates all of this! Harry was never supposed to be the person she had this conversation with. 

“Say what, YN?” 

That you love me. 

It’s on the tip of her tongue, just begging to come out. But Y/N knows this is one of those sentences that she couldn’t take back, one that would change the dynamic between them forever. She didn’t want to be responsible for that. So she says nothing and lets Harry read the frustration and begging in her eyes instead. 

The silence settles over the room, so long and thick it begins to choke her. 

It’s Harry who speaks again. “Yet you won’t say it either,” he shakes his head. “What do you want me to tell you, Y/N? That I love you being with him? That I’ve always imagined you coming here and the person you ending up with being the one person I can’t stand? What did you expect exactly?” 

“Plea-.” She opens her mouth to speak, but Harry had never spoken to her like this before, and the fear of losing him snakes up her throat and squeezes. 

“Do you want me to be happy for you? Because fine, if that’s what it takes, then so be it, but I’m not gonna be happy for him. And I’m not going to be happy that he took you away from me. And I’m never going to forgive him or accept him because he’s not and never will be good enough for you.” Harry hates the hurt that spills from her eyes.

But what was he supposed to say, that he was in love with her? He couldn’t. How could anyone say something like that so brazenly? This wasn’t a movie. She wasn’t going to run into Harry’s arms in the rain and forget the fiancé left in New York. Harry couldn’t be the Noah to Y/N’s Allie because she didn’t choose him. She’d never chosen him. 

She chose Xander, and Harry loved her too much to force her into making a decision she shouldn’t have had to. 

“I need to leave.” 

Harry sniffs, nodding like he was trying to convince himself she’d just said that. He lets the disappointment sink to his stomach and stew, beginning to feel sick with the implication that she was making her final choice, and he wasn’t it. Maybe he was never in the running and had only let himself believe it. 

“Okay.” 

Opening the door for her, he stood looking at the floor, waiting for her to walk past him so he could close it and try to forget how she’d looked at him twenty seconds ago. 

“Harry- please.” He looks at her then, and a tear threatening to fall from his eye causes him to clear his throat, “What, Y/N? Don’t make this harder than it needs to be, please.” 

She still doesn’t move. 

“I- I’m so scared, Harry.” It’s whispered so softly that he knows he would never have heard her if he wasn’t straining his ears, praying she’d admit she loved him.  

“Scared of what?” 

She laughs, but neither of them sees humour in any of this. “Of fucking up and losing you. Of hurting Xander and doing something I can’t take back. I’m scared of it not working out and losing both of you at once. Which is selfish, I know, but I can’t help it.” 

She looks so scared, so vulnerable that Harry is immediately transported back to their days at University. The hours they spent drunk sitting on the floor of her dorm room, the thousands of tears they’d wiped off of each other’s faces, every time Harry had thought of kissing her, and all the times he knew she was thinking the same thing. This gut-wrenching, spine-twisting feeling was exactly the same as when he’d told her he was moving. When her eyes held the same dullness they do now, every gaze and blink screaming that he’d betrayed her. 

“He’s not good enough for you, he won’t- he can’t take care of you the way that-" he gulps, “the way that I could.” 

Oh Cecil Palmer I would be delighted if you were always right next to me only inches from my face mwah xoxo

Imma be honest with you chief this week has not been fun. At all

okay but what happens after andrew confirms that yes he has indeed been courting neil f o r e v e r? like what is neil's reaction 👁️👁️

@ myself: wow haha this got angsty

I know I’m in a fluffy mood but I needed to sit down and really think about this (mind maps and random thought association and all) and it is not great at first! Neil’s immediate reaction, I mean 😭

First, here’s Andrew’s side of the thing for your reading pleasure

And I don’t know how to write Abram’s pov in scene form because it’s so like. Heartbreaking insane in my head. Yes, first there’s 100% this thought process (that’s supposed to be slightly comical but became not that, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean for this to happen) thank you @jtl-fics for the comments I’ve screenshotted from this post:

Second: he begins to feel incredibly guilty that he’s taking this from someone that’s infinitely much more deserving, whoever that is, as long as it’s not him. He was ready for Andrew to find someone he actually deserves. Now he feels like he’s ‘tricked’ Andrew into developing feelings for him, like Abram is a persona that isn’t real enough for Andrew to fall for but he’s tricked him anyway.

Third: Abram is an extension of Andrew’s resources. He’s still an attack dog but one that’s been re-homed, allowed to be much less violent and treated with respect and care that he can accept even if it doesn’t always feel deserved. Abram keeps a dagger at his hip to protect himself, Andrew keeps Abram. When Andrew asks “not what,” it’s something like I’m not that, I’m not an option, I am not even close enough to touch. There is no Abram, there is nothing here for you to love. You can’t. But even if there isn’t, Abram doesn’t need to be a person in that way for Andrew to handle him, use him, however he wants to.

That’s when Abram calms down, I think. That’s something he knows. He’s repressed his own feelings for Andrew so deep that he’d take it, too, he really would let Andrew use him if he wanted to. And it would be the best thing that ever happened to him. He thinks if Andrew is so certain he wants Abram this way, he can be perfect. Abram can be perfect for him, he’s determined to be.

(But that’s a thought process that comes on so quickly and so fully that Abram’s brain actually does let go of his personhood again. This time, though, with no one telling him to attack, he tries instead to be whatever he thinks Andrew wants. So - compliant and receptive.

This is not what Andrew wants.)

But after Abram takes his time away, talking to both Allison and Katelyn about it (they’re both really helpful in their own distinct ways) he understands that Andrew really meant it - he wants Abram as a person that he’s able to have, he wants Abram’s personality and his words and the parts of him he can’t control. Maybe Abram doesn’t even fully realize the scope of his own feelings before accepting the courtship, this time with a clear head and almost shaking with nerves but with a different kind of certainty that Andrew actually does accept. It takes a long time and a lot of assurance but Andrew is patient, until Abram will return gifts and gestures of affection. It actually does so so much to help Abram reclaim his humanity, seeing newly familiar behaviors directed at him with real intention.

Thank you for the ask, this was a point I felt was important to figure out for a while and this prompted me to get around to it! Probably not what you imagined but i uhhh. Sorry 🤧

(Curious? Find a small masterpost of this royal au here 💕)

at what point am i to blame for what adhd does to me. at what point is it "adhd made it fucking physically impossible for me to focus today so i didnt do much work and hate it" versus just "i didnt do much work." am i allowed to feel shitty about it or is that just wallowing

Survivor.

kind of a 'then vs now' comparison (idolhood vs living through everything post-idolhood) but in the same outfit.

the urge to quote "despite everything, it's still you" is very strong right now.

anytime The Suffering™️ stops i hate myself so much less. like no i wasn’t a useless stupid worthless idiot that couldn’t bring myself to finish a task, i was just being tortured with pain to a level normal people don’t experience everyday and extreme sensory issues and a million thoughts a second is all.

It’s giving villain origin story

typing lessons >:|

hm feel free to tell me ur thoughts if youd like friends but basically my friends did text abt doing dinner and i was like 'im sorry i cant tn feel free to go w/o me or lmk if you wanna do another day' and ofc i caught stupid messages back just like 'booooooooooo' 'i cant till next week at least' 'what time r u busy til eye roll' and ill be honest here i fucking lied not that i should have to even give some big explanation but i was like 'well i have class till 5 (theoretically i would) and then have a meeting that doesnt have an end time' basically pretended the one from yesterday. and then i even sent a followup like 'if you guys end up just hanging out at someones place or you grab drinks or anything ill try to stop by later on' and the one sends a message back like 'do you think if we planned on a day next week you could commit to that?' fucking condescending as hell and to that i literally said 'Hm well idk' and then they were just like 'No days next week?' 'just wondering i mean bc maybe the three of us can just go and then we can plan on something lower commitment some other time.' fuck you first of all. and then a 'i get it if it's too last minute!' from my one friend um so thanks to her i guess and i sent smth kinda snarky back like 'well it's not like we had an actual commitment for any day but by all means go and ill certainly try to carve time out in my schedule some other time yeah!' and ive had the notifs muted bc i just dont want to deal with it rn. why am i not allowed to not be available why am i automatically some flaky low commitment bitch who has to be constantly berated in the chat while yall also ignore pretty much everything i say. im not doing that. and this just confirms my suspicions that they already see me in a certain way why should i have to bother when i HAVE still tried to see them and at least offer alternatives when i cant make it to things. also the semester just started like

...

So it is true.

He’s leaving before he’s 42. 41 even.

And I hate it.

I was supposed to have two whole seasons at the very least.

crying for the 400th time because I’m so grateful that Barbie and Ken breathed life back into me. I love them so much. I owe these 70 y/o crotchless dolls my life I’m not even joking 😭😭