#soph rambles
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i’m gnawing at the bars of my enclosure thinking about the mermaids,,, ohb sneak? 👀 (zero pressure at all ever, you are a person who always comes first before writing!🩷)
Of His Bones sneak
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telepathically asking girls at the grocery store if they’re queer and also if they think I’m queer and if they’d like to get coffee sometime
#sapphic#lesbian#wlw#gay#soph rambles#the reason lesbians can’t reproduce isn’t because it’s biologically tricky#it’s because they’re too shy to ever approach each other in public#this post goes out to the girl with the fun skirt I saw in the checkout line today#I chose the wrong line#star crossed lovers
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Me: 11.25pm? This is an excellent time to start my Wild Blue Yonder rewatch
Narrator: it was not
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this got inspired by someone else's comment, but I keep rotating the angst of Leander just... tossing MC aside after they have served their use to him. Just.... maybe they have bonded, there's trust and maybe more built there and then after he's gotten what he wanted, the mc is no longer useful to him, he doesn't need them any more.
Just... the hurt and the betrayal of it all is what makes me go skslfjfhdhwehrhrhfh and now I can't stop thinking about it
#I know this is maybe technically out of character for him methinks#but at the same time idk we'll never know with Leander#i just love a good stab in the back betrayal stuff#especially with the Hound mc tbh#soph rambles#leander#touchstarved game
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helluva boss rants #2: is stolas embarrassed of blitzø?
the short answer is and always will be, no.
if i see one more person say that he was embarrassed of blitz in ozzie’s and that’s why he covered his face, then i always question them, did we watch the same show?
because no; stolas is and never will be embarrassed of blitzø. in #1 i broke down how stolas has always seen and appreciated imps as an equal.
i feel like a lot of people miss out on episode 5 of season 1, where stolas publicly STATES on stage in front of the entire ring of wrath that blitz is his darling and that he finds him sexy. he outs it. so, openingly stating that he was sleeping with him never was an issue.
he does the same partially in loo loo land, where i think the entire episode is in my prescription a test of waters for his daughter to get to know his lover - he wants to show her that he’s kind and caring (protecting them). i will go in depth about their little found family in another rant though.
but yeah, stolas is very open and honest about his relationship with blitz. at least, he wants to be. yet as mentioned in #1, he can’t. he simply gets that social pressure of being a goetia, having all a goetia would want and seeming like he just threw it away to get off. but that’s not the case for stolas. that’s never the case.
so, to make it clear to everyone who doesn’t get it still, stolas isn’t embarrassed of blitz, but rather himself and how he has disappointed everyone around him once more.
#this is fun#i love words!#stolas kinnie forever and always#<3333#stolas#stolas goetia#blitzø#helluva boss#soph rambles
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if this is too personal or triggering please please ignore it but i finished kyd and i was wondering whether you have experience with disordered eating because man the way you wrote regulus felt so very real and relatable. you really are a brilliant writer
tw ed discussion
no worries, pretty sure i've talked about this before because some people were very unhappy with me when i started kyd that i intended to write about eds
but yeah i've had a pretty disastrous relationship with food my whole life, and then in my senior year of high school i was in and out of hospital because if it. and it was actually way more cathartic than i thought it would be to write about it. i think partially because i've never really been able to explain it outloud to anyone in a way that I was happy with (there's a lot of embarrassment and shame that sort of gets in the way I think), but i feel like i was able to describe it in a way that was effective. and also because, as with most things, i have always found the mainstream representation of eds frustrating
i think the compulsive nature of eds gets missed a lot, or not emphasized enough maybe? i've said this before but i always think of it as being very similar to OCD in that way, you have a set of rules that you have to follow and they aren't always logical, but if you break them you lose it even if you can recognize that it's irrational
i think the lying is something that i also don't see talked about enough, like i get that we see people with eds lying, but again i feel like the compulsive nature of it is sometimes lost?
in general i think because we exist in a society which, in a lot of ways glorifies eds, it is also very difficult for mainstream media to avoid glamorizing them in a weird way
BUT yeah, anyway, so i wanted to write about it and try to get more at the compulsive need for control, the link with anxiety, and also i think, you know, i had a very bad experience with the hospital program i was in, i think ultimately it hurt me more than it helped me which is not usually portrayed either cause it doesn't make for a very clean ending, so i kind of wanted to show that with Regulus too
and it's been incredible the amount of people who have expressed feeling seen by this character, it really means a lot <3
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Next chapter povs?👀
Remus
Evan
Barty Crouch Sr.
(subject to change, i keep debating whether or not to give Barty jr. a pov too)
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Saltburn is not a film about class, right? at least, not really. like. Oliver is well off. maybe not living in Downton Abbey well off suuuurre, but he is middle to upper-middle class. this is not a movie about the working class sticking it to the wealthy. it's a movie about desire and obsession. it's actually super interesting that it is set in 2006 (or 2005? i can't remember), because what it is exploring is the way that a lot of us interact with people now. we watch them. on our phones. on our screens. we watch their beautiful lives and we obsess over them, and obsess over everything they have that we don't. Venetia in her speech in the bathtub to Oliver talks about how Oliver actually didn't know Felix at all, really just met him, and yet somehow Felix had become the centre of Oliver's whole fucking universe, in a way that i think you can compare to parasocial relationships people have now with celebrities etc. it is a movie that explores how far desire and obsession can go. in like, obviously a very campy way that is super fun and great. but it's not about class. it's the wealthy and the more wealthy eating each other.
#i am writing this while already late to class#because i only make good time management decisions#saltburn#soph rambles
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"No, don't - don't come any closer."
"Reg-"
"Please, please, I don't want you to see me like this, just let me - let me clean myself up and-"
"You're shaking."
"Sorry."
"You don't - Reg - Regulus, stop, hey," he takes the other boy by the arm as he tries to get past him, pulling him in.
"I'm sorry," Regulus says again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry."
"Sh, sh, it's alright, we're alright," Regulus is flush against his chest, head tucked beneath his chin.
"I don't know why I'm crying."
"You don't need to have a reason."
"You shouldn't have to come home to this."
"What are you talking about? I get to come home to you. That's all that matters."
Regulus shakes his head against James's shirt, sniffling. "I'll get myself together."
"I don't mind you apart."
"I meant to have dinner ready."
"I'm not hungry."
"James."
"Regulus."
"I don't know what's wrong with me," he says miserably.
"Nothing, nothing's wrong," and then, after a brief pause, and in a voice so gentle Regulus doesn't know how it's even possible: "You're just depressed."
Regulus half-laughs and half-sobs into James. "You have no tact, anyone ever tell you that? No tact at all."
"You tell me all the time," kissing the top of his head and holding him more tightly. A few seconds pass before: "I love you, you know?"
Regulus's hands are all twisted up in James's shirt, a wounded noise coming out of his mouth. "I thought it might stop, now that..."
"That?"
"You and I are..that we're so good. I thought it might stop."
"Don't think it works like that."
"I'm sorry."
"No," kissing his head again. His temple. His ear. His cheek. "I don't mind Regulus, I really don't. You just need to tell me, okay? Tell me when you feel it coming on, and I'll know and I'll be here."
#when i feel bad i write james comforting regulus#and i feel better#im sure a therapist would have a field day with that one#jegulus#soph rambles#regulus black#james potter
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i just feel very deeply that i deserve more money than jeff bezos. purely based on vibes.
#i had two jobs and now i have no jobs#because my university is being run by actual super villains#and so these are the thoughts i am having#soph rambles
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reasons criticizing fanfics publicly is lame
lets go over this again shall we?
it is not appropriate to give constructive criticism of fanfiction unless explicitly asked by the author. lots of authors are not interested in improving their writing, they are doing this for the goofs. the laughs. the giggling-good-times. giving people constructive criticism on fanfiction is a bit like if someone gave you a home made birthday card and in front of a room full of people you began to critique it. that social awkwardness? that is what you should feel when you start criticizing fanfiction
"I don't like" is not constructive criticism. it is not critical thinking. if you use the sentence "i don't like" in an academic paper you will fail. what you like is not an objective fact. it is a feeling. which you are allowed to have but which means nothing about the object of your dislike. now, to refer to point one, even if criticism IS constructive, still not appropriate here, but the amount of people who are confusing not liking something with being critical is truly baffling.
i have said this before and i will say it again. just because you have the opportunity to do something, does not mean you are right for doing it. for example, people love to say that if you post things online then you are giving people the right to criticize it. to which i say: no. i am giving you the opportunity. the same way that when i walk out my door i give people on the street the opportunity to shout terrible things at me. that doesn't mean you aren't still an asshole for taking that opportunity. just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD do something.
assuming that fanfics should be open to criticism is treating them like published works and is treating fandom like a goods and services economy. we are not consumers consuming products, we are meant to be a community of people with similar interests sharing things. a timeless, but always relevant, metaphor for this, is that fandom is a potluck not a restaurant. you wouldn't go to a potluck and start talking about the food the way you might at a restaurant.
not 2 sound horribly naive or whatever, but maybe just be kind? like, it's not very hard. maybe just don't get on the internet and be an entitled superior asshat. idk man.
#i know this has all been said before#but i couldn't help it#and i can't fit it in a tiktok comment section so#soph rambles
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not to say something controversial yet brave. but in canon (or whatever marauders canon is) wolfstar is my favourite ship. nothing hurts like they do baby. jegulus is sad, but wolfstar? you wanna talk about carnivorous love? sirius black and remus lupin consume one another. teeth and blood and gore. it is so unpleasant. to witness, to partake in, but they cannot help themselves. lets stab each other in the back and then watch ourselves bleed out together. i will break you in every possible way but you will never be happy without me. we will make it to the end and still not have each other. jegulus burns but wolfstar rots. and that is simply delicious 2 me.
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"You are not my son. I do not claim you. I want nothing to do with you."
Sirius laughs coldly, standing in front of his mother's portrait, the house around him dark. Empty.
"That's the problem though, isn't it?"
"Excuse me?"
Empty smile. "I will die your son," venom dripping from his lips, sharpening his teeth. "Your branch of the family tree will always end with me, charred or not, the history books will always place my name next to yours. If a hundred years from now someone digs up my bones they won't know my thoughts, or my heart, but they will know that my skeleton matches yours," shaking his head, voice echoing through the stairwell. "You see? No matter what we do, no matter how much pain it causes us both. I will die your son."
Just like Regulus, he doesn't say.
#sirius black saying “i will die your son” has been rattling around in my brain#im sure some version of this will make it into chosen#but i needed to get the thought out#sirius black#regulus black#soph rambles#chosen
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time is so fucking scary. because it does not care if you are happy. you will think I wish to stay like this, right here in this moment. i have found my place. but then time comes like a wave and pushes you forward. you cannot stay. and neither can the people you love. forward forward forward. time has ripped the claws from my hands, and the teeth from my mouth, as I have tried to cling to yesterday. but you must move forward forward forward. Forward forward forward. Forward forward forward. Forward forward forw—
#i recently went back to the place in which i was happiest in my life#and it has changed and doesn't look the same#and doesn't belong to me anymore#and quite honestly nothing aches quite like knowing#that no matter what i do i can never go back#that even if i stayed it would have all gone away anyway#that i had to move forward#and i had to let go of the things that made me happy#because time wouldn't stop#soph rambles
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Dial Drunk
He's drunk.
"James--"
Sober enough to know he's drunk. But drunk enough not to care.
"James please--"
Sober enough to hear the crack in Remus's voice. But drunk enough not to stop.
"I want to call him," he says, defiant. Childish. It feels good to say those words. He doesn't know why he didn't do this before. It seems so simple now. "I want to call him."
Sirius is across the room. A few seconds ago he'd been on James's other side, holding his arm, helping Remus pull him to his feet. He isn't touching James anymore.
"Where's my phone?" his words are a little thick. A little slurred. The world around him blurry in a way that makes his stomach squirm.
"I don't know," Remus mutters, struggling to support James all on his own. "Here, will you just sit down please? Sirius, maybe get him some water?"
"Sirius where's my fucking phone?" because he knows Sirius knows. Because he wants Sirius to look at him. Because he wants Sirius to feel this too.
Predictably, Sirius doesn't answer either of them. All James can see is his best friend's back, his vision splitting him in two. Sirius has always been good at blocking out the things he doesn't want to hear. Which might be the most unkind thing James has ever thought about him.
"James please sit down," Remus tries to guide him towards the nearest chair but he's not going. They found him on the floor, and he'd been happy to stay there. But now. Now he has a mission.
"I want to call him, get me my phone!"
"Christ James," Remus hisses under his breath, pleading. He wants James to stop. But the whiskey in his blood has other plans. "What's going on with you tonight? I mean, should we be--should we be worried? Were you trying to hurt yourself or--"
"Oh fuck off!"
He sees the surprise on Remus's face, thinks about apologizing, but his thoughts are watery and hard to hold.
"I want to call him," he repeats instead. It's the one thing keeping him standing.
"Yeah we heard you," Sirius says finally, his voice is thin, cold. It's enough to get James's attention, even in his current state. "But you can't call him."
Something pointy and sharp pricksJames's chest but he shakes his head, ignoring it. "I know the number by heart," his drunken mind supplies helpfully.
"James," his name sounds so sad in Remus's voice.
"I'm sure you do," he thinks Sirius laughs. It's not a pleasant noise.
"Just give--give me my phone? He'll pick up. He always picks up when it's me. I want to call him. Let me c-call. I want--"
"You. Can't."
Sirius finally turns back around, he is so still and so stiff and James is so wobbly. He stumbles even though he's standing still, Remus fumbling to keep him upright.
"He'll pick up Sirius, he will. If it's me--"
"No."
"--he always--always--I need him. I need to tell him. I need to ta-talk. Please? Please I need--"
"You know why you can't call him."
"Sirius," Remus says warningly, but James doesn't think either of them are paying him any attention.
"I--don't have my phone." That makes Sirius frown harder but James doesn't care right now. "Just give me a phone. Any phone. I know his number. I--"
"You know why you can't call," Sirius repeats.
The pricking in his chest is getting worse. A stab. A slice. A tear. The sensation burns right through the alcohol. It demands to be felt. Demands to be heard.
"No," James repeats. "No I--no. No. no."
"He's--"
"Sirius!"
"--dead. He died."
"No!" James's voice is a terror. "I--no. I just need to call. Just let me have--the--cause I--and he'll pick up--he always--for me," he can't get them out, the words, the thoughts, his breath. He's choking on his own memories. His own grief. Shaking so bad he's surprised Remus is able to keep a hold of him.
"Regulus is dead. You can't call him. He won't pick up," Sirius sounds cold and distant. But then, he's always been like that about Regulus. James is on the ground again. The world in front of him blurry as Remus wraps his arms around him.
"You're a sloppy drunk James," is the last thing Sirius says before James hears the door closing.
The pain is deep and all consuming. It's been months. It's been years. It never stops. It never gets better. The minute the world gets still or quiet the grief is there. He feels like he spends every second of his life trying to outrun it. He's so tired. So fucking tired.
"I need to t-talk to him," he sobs, as Remus holds him tighter. "I can't never talk to him again. I can't. I have so much to say. I have so much--what am I supposed to do with this? What am I supposed to do with all this? I need to call him. Please. Please. I need him. I can't sleep. I can't eat. They're taking up all the space in me Remus. All these fucking--these fucking words. I need to call him. I need to. I need to. I can't bear this. I don't understand how I'm supposed to bear this?"
Remus kisses the top of his head. "Just breathe okay?" James doesn't think he's imagining the tremor in Remus's voice. "I just need you to breathe okay?"
But he can't.
He hasn't.
Not in months.
Not in years.
I'd die for you, he'd told Regulus once. And oh god did he mean it.
#welcome to another edition of#idk wtf this is#a scribble#pls enjoy#soph rambles#jegulus#james potter#regulus black#sirius black#remus lupin#tw alcohol
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