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note-boom · 2 years

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Okay, I just read Volume 20 of the manga and I have a lot of thoughts...but one that I really want to spit out is about Akutagawa's death.

During the fight, he CONTINUOUSLY brings up Dazai. How he wants Dazai's approval. How he's going to LIVE and make it back to Dazai. How he doesn't have much time left so he really needs that approval before he expires. Basically, him (ironically) associating living and Dazai together. To get Dazai's acknowledgement is to live.

And yet.

And YET.

His death wasn't an accident, at least not entirely.

Even Fukuchi acknowledged that from the beginning, taking into account the space-time sword, Akutagawa's plan was to let ONLY Atsushi escape.

Did Akutagawa know he would be instakilled? I think he strongly suspected it considering how Fukuchi was doing his best to kill them.

Essentially, what I'm saying is that provided all that context, Akutagawa basically CHOSE to die when throughout the whole fight his only thought was to live, live, live (for Dazai). The arc isn't over yet (and I honestly have little faith this will happen) but I'm gonna hope anyway that this is symbolic of Akutagawa finally letting go of his deep desire to live for Dazai's approval and maybe starting to build something new...a new reason to live?

As in, him choosing death - choosing ATSUSHI - was his way of saying, "Okay. I see only one of us can make it out...I can't fight this man and beat him (which he did say). I won't live for Dazai's approval now. I can't. So I'll instead choose to die so that there is a chance Atsushi can save the world and clear the Agency's name."

Basically, I'm playing on the age old death and rebirth motif to say Akutagawa dying for Atsushi rather than living for Dazai's approval is his way of growing from his past obsessions and perhaps beginning to build a new reason to live (by dying for it heh...).

#look...i know im reaching #but all i can say is that this death didnt feel like the whole redemption by death trope...#and i think akutagawa will come back or something #and yeah i suppose we could also interpret this as aku realising the only way TO get dazai's approval was to die #but i much prefer the more dramatic death to an old view...new life to another? maybe that's just me being influenced by fantasy tropes #and i also want good things for aku #and you got to admit the way he kept on associating him living with dazai and then choosing death at the end was something #his whole reason revolves around dazai so let him pull a yosano @ mori and say 'nope. taking back control of my life bye'#idk what im saying i just know i really want the progression of this fight from aku wanting to live to choosing to die to mean something #that isn't specifically dazai related ya know? except for letting dazai go (this isnt me hating dazai btw. its loving aku)#also yes i only bought volume 20 cause that and vol 1 was the only ones they had. of course i bought the emotionally devastating one #maybe I'll post some of my reacts and show y'all how much i overthink things xD #anyway akutagawa and atsushi in vol 20 broke me bye....#bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd musings #character analysis #bsd akutagawa #bsd atsushi #bsd fukuchi #spitting nonsense #bsd dazai #bsd spoilers #bsd manga spoilers #manga spoilers

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maro14122 · 9 months

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I’ve never received an apology. Actually, I’ve never received anything.

I was always the one who’s apologizing.

I was the one who give chances. The one who gives love. The one who talks. The one who forgives and forgets.

I was always that pitiful person that I hated so much all my life in all my relationships.

And then, again, I was the person who they walked on, the person who they could find any chance to make fun of.

I was the person they cursed, telling people that I was so naive and so dumb. That I’m so useless, and I’m no more than a failure.

I was the one.

#Im_fine

#thingsiwouldneveradmittomymama

#overthinking #im fine #things i would never admit to my mama

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nevermindset · 1 year

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Are you alive or just existing?

- Unknown.

#quote #quotes #words #writing #inspiring #thoughts #life #introspection #have to admit that im only existing #not living #cause i dont know what to do with my life #nevermind #im again overthinking and not for the best #anxiety is talking for me rn #itll be ok later

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blueprint-han · 1 year

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did i make a mistake?

#sigh dawnie crush issues in the tags #so yeah fair warning #...........................................................................................................................................#idk man I just. i feel like instead of getting closer weve grown more distant ever since he asked me out and its killing me man #i dont wanna be hurt. im so fragile rn and just starting to heal from the years of trauma i faced in my family. when i try to talk #about any issue i have to him he just. ignores the text #or gives me a very dry response which hey. im not trying to say u should listen to my issues all the time. i get that some people dont want #to. but i would just much rather have someone tell me that directly yk? just a hey i dont do well with rants. but the thing is he said hes #fine with them. but then when i get nothing to address it i just. i feel hurt. like... ive started to wonder if hes just keeping the #relation for namesake at this point but ik that isnt true. weve only been dating 2 weeks or so i shouldnt judge so soon. but man its hard #to not overthink ive always been conditioned to do that. ive always been super excited when he plans a date (which he doesnt even call #a date) but when i try to plan smth its always that he has some other plan to attend to which again i get it im not the jealous date who #asks her s/o to be for her every waking moment but yk it does hurt and i feel instead of just letting it bottle up its better to admit it.#i tried to ask him to get cotton candy once and he said wed go the next day and then he forgot. never asked me a time or anything. i didnt #think of it much cuz hed gone to meet a friend outside the city and he mustve been tired. yesterday i asked him again and he said he was #again going outside the city to meet his 12th grader friend. man am i jealous of that girl who gets to spend more time with the guy #who asked me out than ive collectively spent with him #and no i dont mean this in a toxic way like “oh hes meeting other girls he shouldnt do that” i just. man i pictured so much out of my first #relationship. and i got nothing. not one thing out of it. i guess it makes sense cuz my love language is mostly physical touch and u cant #really do that in a campus in India. and its also wrong of me to hold him to such high standards of a perfect relationship when the guy #himself has been in one for the first time (i assume?) but like i said id rather not try to hide my emotions and express them out openly.#theres still so much more about this that i feel wrong but the thing is its confusing cuz i feel like the two years of torture in my house #has made it so that the trauma from never hearing i love you wnd words of affirmation from my parents has been reflecting off this place.#its wrong of me to do this but i expected everything that i couldnt recieve to be fulfilled in a relationship and i now realise how stupid #i was yk? cuz its wrong of me to put such harsh expectations on him like that. i feel like such a shallow person for getting depressed over #a relationship that has just been going for 1 week #theres also the thing where he generally seemed more excited to talk to me before? and now i just get the dryest responses ever out of #which no conversation can be built. and again im not expecting him to be online and respond immediately but a thoughtful response goes a #long way. again ik im being so harsh on him cuz its his first time too and he must be facing the same awkwardness im facing but jesus. i #ok my tags are over im continuing in a reblog

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nebulaofchaosandwoe · 1 year

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Okaay, never did this before so im pretty nervous but let's goo

Thanks so mch @orbitingplutoinmysocksleepingbag for the tag 💜

Top 5 favorite books: Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern, the Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater, Missing in Clairdelune by Christelle Dabos, Radio Silence by Alice Oseman, there's more but this'll do

Top 5 favorite shows/movies: Steven Universe, used to be big fan of Once Upon a Time, 2005 Pride and Prejudice, oh Young Royals, Heartstopper, Shadow and Bone

Fav movie genre: fantasy mostly with a bit of (queer 🤧💕) romance and mystery

Top fandoms: raven cycle, grishaverse, osemanverse, studio ghibli, star wars and just realized i read 10 pjo books but don't talk it

Top fandoms you'd like to be more involved in: osemanverse (only read 3 books), the owl house (s2), oh oh our flag means death (im in ep 1)

Top artists you listen to: (mine always changes) Luiza Brina, Dodie, Alabama Shakes, Akira Rae, mxmtoon

Top songs currently: this whole playlist actually!

Song(s) that describes you perfectly: exausta by luiza brina, 'a bad dream' by keane, and 'if im being honest' by dodie

Top music genres currently: its the last playlist, so mpb, indie and pop

Fav music genres/vibes: hmmm indie pop rock alternative, all mixed up in a great queer soup with not-understandable but beautiful lyrics

Love language you're most comfortable giving: uuuhgg idk, guess quality time?

Love language you like receiving: when i receive hugs and touches from people i admire and love, it is the most wonderful thing in the world and makes me cry, but also quality time and affirmation words

Fav aesthetics: uuh i don't really know... i loved powerful women with magic ruling the world stuff!!!!! but now it's intimate queer friendships, skies in the afternoon, music to mess my mind, and cloudy villages with soo many trees

Characters you kin: the worst in Frances and Aled combined, noah czerny, matthew pynch, a bit of zachary ezra rawlings, steven and stevonnie (su)

Fav color and why: purple, cause meeting simon (yr) saved me, it's beautiful in the bi flag and it's also blue and pink together (also fav colors)

Interests you love to talk about: vegan and affective recipes, books I'm currently reading (osemanverse!!), the queer experience™, praise trans and nb people, goddesses in different cultures, magic and yeh

16 personality types: INFJ-T

MTG color quiz: Planeswalker of The Bant Shard! (Blue, white and green, no idea what this means)

Silly fear: don't talk about human body interiors next to me, i might faint ✌️

Guess I'll leave the tag open! Feel free to answer <3

#i took longer than id like do admit to finish this #im an overthinker sorry #it was really fun!#tag game #Spotify

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lilworms · 2 years

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#Ok listen i’m finally dumping this on tumblr ready #so she was showing me thinks like demonstrating that she overthinks and cant make the first move #and it eased my anxiety sm like ive been so confused and just fkdbshdbhf #she drove to my house last night because i was upset and wanted a hug. and then was like can i see mom im coming in to see mom #i love sm when she hugs me from behind or comes up behind me n rests her head on my shoulder #she give love bite and said she hates not being with me #i respond to her calling me babe and she’s always like hi beautiful #she admitted to wanting me since she first saw me in like november #i felt the same way btw #she very much is possessive of me and shows that men men are checking me out #she said she blocked ppl bc talking to me. she makes sure i eat and take meds. will literally not let me not eat #6’3 deliquent hick butch lesbian #my past 3 exes have not met nor expressed interest in meeting my family do u know how much that made me like #I’m so scared HAHA help. bye im done

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bittwitchy · 4 days

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cw anti st*ggy and st*cky joke:

its funny how much i hate st*ggy considering i also dont like st*cky romantically

#but funnily enough i AM a steve/sam and b*cky/sam girl #but thats the one poly i wont approve of #for me u do u friends #how many tags do i have to do before it no longer shows up in tags brw #bc the fandoms for both of those ships are vile #esp when u admit to preferring sam w both of them they just get plain r*cist sometimes #i know its 20 to stay out of the tags but #will 20 also stop the flaggings from picking it up bc i dont wanna do that either #i wanna make sure your tag blocks work yknow #wtf even is sam and b/uckys pairing name #like im a b/uckyn/at aka w/interwi/dow girlie as well and they have both #is it like… w/interfa/lcon????#why is b/uckys name first it should be sams #honestly that fandom is wild if you talk abt ships nnur ships arent the popular ones like #i woll dully admit i ship wild stuff too #not rly wild if m*rv*l cared enough to actually build the rels peoperly but like #as a comic reader im a st*ron fan and im forever mad at how they #royally fucked up sh/arons story just bc they wanted to fuck w h/ayley a/twell a known woman hater posing as a f/eminist #i do like st*ny but only when done right bc lbr… they couldnt even do theirn #friendship right enough to make cw actually impactful #and i dont understand why ‘literally was earning almost a billion per movie at the time even before they all were’ m*rv*l #chose to fuck w what cap 3 was to ‘compete w b/atman v s/uperman’ like #they had zero to worry abt ppl wont even pay attention to zacks films and pick apart anything to hate they can #ppl hate subtle storytelling which is how he storytells he hates shoving the plot in your face he wants you to overthink it #and they were launching the universe then like it was NEVER going to be a competition they just freaked tf out for no reason #losers #ima tag them now hopefully i dont end up int he tags if u have those antis blacklisted lmk if it works #anti steggy #anti stucky

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marukfe · 3 months

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I'm still dwelling over that stupid thing I said to a stranger GDJAFAK

I'M REALLY HOPING I SENT IT AS ANONYMOUS CUZ IT WAS A REALLY STUPID QUESTION..,

Idk dude they might just think im a weird person and that I shouldn't even exist at all or something

Aaa man this is why I don't trust my brain when I'm eepy </3

#Ok i dont want to even tell yall what question i asked cuz up until today i still think its the most stupid question ive ever asked WVRBCJ #i asked that question like days ago and #right after i woke up i was like #dude why thefuck did u asked such stupid question #im also very compulsive and try to be confindent as welll buuut #i still think my question was really stupid #and i REALLY HOPE I ACTUALLY WAS ANONYMOUS THERE RAAGHEHD #also im not that kind of person thats like yknow #when they do something stupid they dont acknowledge their mistakes and they are like. entitled over it and dont admit their mistakes #like even if i tell u that its stupid and u also think its stupid i still acknowledge my mistake #IDK ITS SUCH A SMALL THING TO OVERTHINK ABOUT BUT YEA #well i guess the good thing about it is that im very self aware <33 #ill just #try not to be compulsive #despite my curiousity about certain things #ye #anyways #thats it for my mini vent LOL #if that person sees this well #they might already know that it was me GDKSHF IDK LOL

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hegrowth-arc · 1 year

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im not gonna lie. I was never really comfy with kaey being the main character. he started as a d/ragon a/ge oc and I was never, like, satisfied ? I guess ?? with him being the inquisitor or hawke or hero of ferelden. I just wanted him to be. I wrote him as a companion and that worked for him / me. but like. kaey was never supposed to be a hero. I didnt want him to have that weight or expectation within his character. even where I have included him in my other projects, hes always been a background character. idk. is that weird ?

#《 ° selkie.exe 》 oh im trash just not approved trash #like. that quiz result wasnt surprising to me because of this.#not that he isnt important to a narrative but. i guess theres always pressure for the hero to be a certain way ?#kaey was never that. i never wanted that for him. he was never meant to save anyone or to fulfill a destiny.#maybe im just overthinking it. idk. i feel weird admitting this but its the truth so.

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krkiiz · 4 months

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take a chance with me . luke castellan x reader

you decide to confront luke about your current situationship with him.

luke castellan x f!reader , reader is the daughter of Athena , crack , misunderstandings , “what are we” , “i thought we’re already dating” , fluff with slight angst , overthinking , kisses , them being sappy , nicknames

note : can’t stop falling in love with this evil betrayer smh. inspired by niki’s song “take a chance with me” ! (IM SORRY IF THIS IS CRINGE this is my first time writing kiss scenes help 😭😭😭😭)

let me know your thoughts ! likes, reblogs, and comments appreciated <3

“It’s getting dark. Let me walk you back to your cabin, yeah?” The dark haired boy smiled at you.

Gods how you loved that smile of his.

It’s a tradition of yours. Him walking you back to your cabin after your outings. The two of you walk hand in hand as your near the Athena cabin.

You and Luke had been acquainted for quite some time. You both first met when you arrived in camp for the first time.

You were fifteen back then. Time passed by as fast Zeus’ lightning strikes as summers blurred after summers. In a blink of an eye, you guys were both eighteen now. Adults, no longer those carefree teenagers that relied on your counselors.

During those three years of friendship, you and Luke only got closer. It was hard to admit, and after an excruciating time of denial (and constant pestering from your half siblings including Annabeth), you finally surrendered and admitted the growing feelings you harbored for your close friend.

You’re too afraid to confess your feelings as you treasured your friendship with him deeply. You would gush about how sweet he is to Annabeth, rolling yourself on your bed as blood rushed to your cheeks at the thought of him.

Little did you know he was doing the exact same thing. Confiding to Annabeth about your recent encounters, eyes lit up rivaling the shine of Apollo himself as he thinks of you.

Poor girl. Annabeth was sick of it.

But this summer, you felt a shift in your dynamic with the curly haired boy. He would eat lunch with you more often, asking you to go on more hangouts, challenged you on more duels, battles. It felt different, closer.

You were not complaining, matter of fact you were quite glad. Maybe your feelings wasn’t just one sided after all.

But as time move forwards, the closer you two get, more couple-ey interaction commends. He would tuck your hand behind your ear as you both converse, intwining your hands when your in the same path, calling you nicknames.

The more your relationship with him progressed, the more it blurred the line between friends and more. At this point, you knew he had feelings for you as well, and he too was well aware of yours.

A bubble of thought soon started clouding your mind. What were you both now? Friends? Close friends? Lovers? You don’t remember Luke asking you to be his girlfriend.

What was the nature this relationship?

You feel his grip on yours loosening as you stopped near the grey building of Cabin 6. “This is it for you, princess.”

Words rolled of his tongue like honey and you felt like a honeybee, drawn to its sweetness.

Friends don’t call each other nicknames.

Luke placed a gentle hand on your cheek, drawing closer has he placed his lips on your temple, as if he was kissing your thoughts away. “What’s got you thinking so hard since we started walking, hm?”

Your cheeks lit up like campfire at his action, he smiled noticing your flushed state.

Cute

You look up to the curly haired boy, his fingers still pressed on your cheek. What are we, Luke?

What if Luke suddenly doesn’t want you anymore because of that question?

Were you too selfish by wanting more?

Was this not enough for you?

No it wasn’t. You want to draw a clear like between friends and more, and Luke and you were shoveling a deep hole in the middle of said line.

What if he fears commitment and disappears?

“Oh no, it’s nothing Luke.” You shook your head away from his grasp, pushing all your thoughts away. “It’s late, I should probably get in.”

But before you can turn away from him, Luke was quick to grab your hand, not letting you go any further. “No, Yn. Something is clearly bothering you. And I don’t want you to go to bed with an unpleasant feeling.”

He squeezed your held hands. “Please, Yn. Is it something I’ve done?”

You were quick to deny him. “It’s not, Luke. I don’t even know it’s just. I don’t know, confusing? I think complicated is the right word.”

The dark haired boy brought your intertwined hands to his lips, kissing your forearm softly. “It’s okay take your time, darling. I’m listening.”

You sighed seeing him caress your hand gently as he brushed his lips on the skin. “It’s about us, Luke.”

Dark hues make contact with your own. “What about us?”

“What are we Luke? I don’t even know anymore.” You retracted your hand from his grasp, frustration getting a hold on you. “Friends don’t hold hands while they walk, friends don’t kiss each other’s foreheads, or hands, or even call each other nicknames.”

You look up to see the confusion written clearly on his face. “What are we, Luke Castellan?” You asked once more.

There was a moment of silent and you dreaded it. Each passing second you can hear the rustling wind, chirps of birds, and the sound of your heart falling into your stomach.

Before he finally broke it. A wholehearted chuckle graced his lips, creasing his eyes.

You scrunched your eyebrows at his reaction. Clearly displeased. Were you some joke to him?

“Luke, this is serious, why are you laughing right now?”

He quickly straightened his composure after hearing your tone. “Ehem, wait sorry. You’re serious? Is this what you’ve been worrying about?”

“Well yeah. What’s so funny about it? Am I just some joke to you?”

“No no! Yn, wait.” He placed both of his hand above your shoulders. Eyes peered at yours before genuinely asking. “Haven’t we been dating for like two months now?”

What? Confusion warps your face.

“Yn, remember? Two months ago when I took you on a picnic by the lake? I asked if you wanted to be together and you agreed to it, remember?” He tried to recall your memory.

Then it snapped.

“Oh, that was a confession? I thought you meant it in a friendly way.” Luke mentally face palmed himself and you sheepishly giggled.

“Okay maybe I was too vague with my words so let’s redo it right now yeah?” You tilted your head at him.

The dark haired boy took both of your hands from your sides, lacing them into his. “Yn L/n, daughter of Athena, one of the best warriors I’ve ever seen, wisest and the most just ever, will you take the pleasure of being my girlfriend?”

You unwind your laced fingers, your hands moving, circling themselves around the nape of his neck as his hands are now placed on the sides your waist, drawing you closer. “Hm will I?” You teased him lightly.

“Please?”

“I guess you got yourself a girlfriend, Castellan.”

You laughed against his chest. And you can feel his ribcage expanding was he laughed along with you.

You tilt your head above, standing on the tips of your toes, as you pulled him even closer than before. Your noses touch at the proximity and you could feel his breath on yours. “Is this why you’ve never kissed me before?” you hear him whisper.

“Well I am doing it right now.” You pull him in, his lips crashing with your own. His grip on your waist tightened as your hands made its way to the softness of his curls. Eyes tightly shut as you both bask in the bliss of ecstasy before pulling apart.

He leaned his forehead against yours. Giving your lip a small peck as he craves for more of you. “I don’t know if this is not obvious yet but I like you, so so much, my Yn.”

You softly giggled. “I like you just as much, my prince.”

©️ sirena | krkiiz 2023

#luke castellan x reader #luke castellan #luke castellan x you #pjo x reader #percy jackson x reader #percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson x you #percy jackson #pjo tv show #pjo series #luke x reader

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ma333ve · 2 years

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vented on Snapchat saying I'm admitting myself to the psych ward next week and now I'm scared of looking like an attention seeker if I don't end up going

#if thats what you think you should do #i get in states like this like every couple months i swear and ive never been admitted #ive been very close #but I'm not as bad as those times but I want to prevent it #and also #I'm broke and cant afford groceries and they'd feed me 3 meals a day #i havent even wanted to eat much lately #and i need a tolerance break #but the amount of weed I'm sucking down is a lil worrying #my brain is trying to convince me that i shouldn't go #everyone is like #makes me overthink it more #i mean #in reality I want to go cos I'm scared I'm going to leave the house without eating and black out #is that a reason to go?#i mean other than the friendship problems im having rn #maeve vents

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jeannineee · 8 months

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Closure (Ⅲ)

Azriel x Reader

a/n: part three!! Comment if you’d like to be added to part four :) quickly proofread, sorry for any errors

Requests are open for headcanons/short blurbs

ALSO IM A BIT NERVOUS ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THIS PART IS GOOD SO YALL LMK PLS

Part 1

Part 2

PART FOUR

warnings: angst, allusions to sex (18+ please)

“What are you and Azriel doing?”

Mor’s question drew your attention from the book in your hands. You sat up on the couch, hugging your knees to your chest.

“I don’t know.”

That was the truth. You had no idea. It had been a few days since that evening with Azriel in the Hewn City. Unsurprisingly, he hadn’t spoken to you since.

Mor sighed, taking a seat on the couch beside you. “I thought you said you ended things with him.”

“I—I did. But…” you trailed off, fidgeting with the spine of your book. “…I can’t stay away from him.”

“Because he’s your mate.” Mor said. A statement, not a question.

Shock was written all over your face. “How did you know that?”

“Anyone with a brain can see it. Except for Azriel, apparently.”

You looked away, finding sudden interest in Feyre’s family painting on the wall. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Why?” Mor’s voice was soft, understanding.

“Because he is only interested in Elain.”

Mor went silent for several moments. “I think Azriel feels he isn’t worthy of you.”

“That’s nonsense.”

Mor snorted, twirling her golden hair around her forefinger. “Trust me, I know. But as long as I’ve known him, Azriel has always thought himself to be a bastard-born nobody, undeserving of anything good.”

Something in your soul ached at that. You knew Azriel had issues with his self-esteem, but you didn’t realize just how much it affected him.

At your silence, Mor continued, “Despite his inferiority complex, his behavior is uncalled for. He shouldn’t be stringing you along while entertaining Elain.”

“I know.”

“And you need to grow a backbone.”

You glared. “I have a backbone.”

“Not with Azriel, you don’t.”

You couldn’t argue with that, as much as you hated to admit it. Perhaps it was the bond, that made you so weak to his advances. Perhaps it was your own naïveté.

“Do you…” You swallowed thickly, the question catching in your throat. “Do you think he knows about the bond?”

“I’m not sure.”

~~~~~~~~

Later in the day, you retired to your bedroom, after spending a few hours training with Nesta and Cassian. You loosed a sigh of relief and contentment as you settled into a warm bath, the scent of lavender and eucalyptus wafting through the air.

Normally, a bath would be enough to relax you, and calm your thoughts. But Azriel weighed heavily on your mind. As did your conversation with Mor.

Half an hour passed by, filled with overthinking. Scowling, you rose from the bathtub, wrapping a towel around your form, and headed into your bedroom.

Before you could enter your closet, a knock sounded on your door. You didn’t need to hear his voice to know who it was.

“Y/n.” Azriel called from the hall. “Can I come in?”

You replaced the towel with a silk robe, and sat on the edge of your bed. “Come in.”

Azriel silently entered your room, his shadows much more active than normal. The shadows only behaved that way when he spent time with Elain—they disappeared in her presence.

Yet the shadows reveled in yours.

If the shadows weren’t hint enough as to where Azriel had been earlier in the day, Elain’s flowery scent ensnared your senses. You swallowed down bile.

The Shadowsinger cleared his throat, leaning back against the dresser that stood against the wall, a few feet away from you.

“Did you need something?” You asked him.

Azriel chuckled. “Do I need an excuse to see you?”

You fidgeted with your hands. “I have things to do, so…”

“It doesn’t seem like it,” Azriel replied, taking a step forward. His shirt was unbuttoned just enough to reveal the tanned, muscular chest beneath, and the black, swirling tattoos that marked his skin. “I just wanted to check on you.”

“How kind.” You didn’t bother hiding the annoyance you felt.

“Did I do something wrong?”

You snorted. “Why are you so hot and cold with me? One moment, you’re trying to get me into your bed, and the next, you’re ignoring me for weeks at a time. Why?”

“I have other responsibilities to attend to outside of our friendship.”

You knew those ‘responsibilities’ likely included time spent with Elain. But you didn’t voice that.

Azriel continued, “You know, you can come to me, too. It doesn’t always have to be me who initiates conversation.”

“You’re never around. You don’t tell me where you are, what you’re doing.”

“As I said, I have responsibilities,” Azriel said, before sitting on the bed beside you.

“That’s a piss-poor excuse,” you muttered, not daring to look him in the eye, despite the bond urging you to do so.

Azriel scoffed. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

At that, you whipped your head towards him. “I want my friend back. I want…” You stopped yourself before the next words could leave you.

You wanted him. Wanted—needed more than friendship. You needed your mate. But instead, you repeated, “I want my friend back.”

“You have me,” Azriel said, reaching a hand to cup your face.

Your eyes fluttered shut as he swiped his thumb over your cheekbone. Damn him.

Part of you wanted to protest—to push him away. But each time he touched you, it felt as though every broken piece of you was being put back into place.

“You have me,” Azriel murmured again, brushing his lips against your forehead. He placed a soft kiss to each of your cheeks before his lips melded to your own.

Elain’s flowery scent filled your nose once again, yanking you back into reality. You abruptly broke away from the kiss, rising to your feet.

“Y-You should leave,” you sputtered out, furiously readjusting your hair, your robe.

“Do you not want to…?” Azriel let the question hang as he too, stood from your bed.

“Are you serious?” You spat the question. The casualness in his words, his actions sent you into a white-hot, blind rage. “Not when I can smell Elain all over you.”

Azriel stiffened, but didn’t respond.

You laughed, but the sound was devoid of any humor. “I don’t know what I was even thinking.”

The bond. It had to be the bond, making you forget yourself with him. He still smelled like Elain, for fuck’s sake. For that alone, you would’ve sent lesser males running.

“It always comes back to Elain,” Azriel said, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Shouldn’t it? How can you—do you even understand what you’re doing to me?”

Azriel looked taken aback. He opened and closed his mouth, coming short of a reply.

You debated simply kicking Azriel out of your room, and leaving it at that. But all the emotions of the last several weeks came bubbling to the surface, threatening to spill over. So you let the words fly out, consequences he damned.

“You are hurting me, Azriel. You—each time you come to me, only to turn around and go to Elain? That fucking hurts. It’s confusing, and I don’t deserve it.”

You loosed a breath, continuing, “I don’t know what you do with her. I don’t know what you feel for her. I don’t care anymore. Just leave me out of it, because it’s hurting me.”

You braced yourself. Braced yourself for a screaming match; an argument. Part of you thought that maybe he’d even laugh at you.

Instead, Azriel merely walked out of your room in silence.

That was far worse.

~~~~~~~~

“What’s got Azriel so pissed off?” Cassian asked you from where he stood on the balcony, nursing a mug of coffee.

“Y/n put him in his place last night,” Nesta interjected, her voice lined with amusement. “Poor Illyrian baby couldn’t take it.”

Cassian grinned. “Rhysie will have a field day when he hears about this.”

You rolled your eyes, staring down at the glass of water in your hands. “Yes, laugh at my turmoil,” you muttered sarcastically.

Nesta and Cassian shared a laugh at that, before the former patted your back comfortingly. “Don’t worry. We’ll go to Rita’s tonight and make you forget all about it.”

~~~~~~~~

Unfortunately, Nesta’s idea of “making you forget all about it” included her running off with Cassian into the bathroom after an entire thirty minutes at Rita’s, leaving you alone at your booth, stone-cold sober and mildly annoyed.

After another ten minutes of sitting alone like an outcast, you were prepared to call it quits.

That was, until Eris Vanserra slid into the seat across from you, two mixed drinks in hand.

“Y/n,” he greeted with a smirk, sliding you one of the drinks. “It’s been a while.”

“Not long enough,” you muttered as you took a large swig from your glass.

Eris chuckled, amusement lining his expression. “Always the charmer. How’ve you been?”

“I’m fine. What are you doing in Velaris?”

“Tsk. Not even going to ask how I’m doing?”

You stared.

Eris sighed dramatically, though you noticed his lips twitching up in a smile. “Alright. I’m here for a few days. Just visiting.”

“I highly doubt you’re ‘just visiting.’”

“Believe what you want.” Eris mused, leaning forward, resting his chin on his hands. He studied you for a moment, before adding, “You seemed a bit lonely. No males around to warm your bed?”

You took another gulp of your drink. “My bed is of no concern to you.”

Eris grinned, undeterred by your disinterest. “Come on. Loosen up. Play with me.”

Perhaps it was the alcohol kicking in a bit sooner than normal. Or perhaps it was your determination to get Azriel off of your mind. You didn’t particularly care to find out as you replied, “What do I get if I do?”

Eris’s grin became feline. “Whatever you want.”

~~~~~~~~

The first thing that greeted you when you awoke the next morning was a pounding headache. You were never drinking again.

Your grogginess quickly eddied into panic as you realized Eris was sleeping beside you. If you pulled away the blanket that covered the lower half of his form, you were almost certain he’d be—

“It’s not polite to stare,” Eris murmured tiredly, his abs rippling as he sat up in bed, the blanket that previously covered his form sliding away.

You quickly averted your gaze, and rose from the bed, throwing on the nearest piece of clothing.

“My shirt looks lovely on you,” Eris mused, still lounging on your bed as though he owned it.

Your cheeks flushed. You cleared you throat, attempting to find any amount of dignity within yourself as you said, “You should probably leave.”

Eris chuckled. “Don’t worry, I won’t overstay my welcome.” He stood from the bed, and dressed himself. You prepared to return his shirt, but he halted you. “It looks better on you. Keep it.”

You cursed yourself as your cheeks flushed an even deeper color.

“I have to return home this afternoon,” Eris explained as he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. “But if you ever want a repeat of last night…”

You gave him a pointed look. “Eris, as much as I enjoyed—“

“Oh, I know you enjoyed it. Multiple times. You were quite vocal in showing it.”

“As much as I enjoyed it,” you began again with slight annoyance, “I think it best that we don’t do this again.”

Eris shrugged, unfazed. “That’s fine. You were a lot of fun,” he replied as he prepared to leave your room. “For what it’s worth, though, you are…nice to be around.”

You supposed that was the closest you were getting to a compliment from him.

You opened your mouth to respond, but Eris left before you could.

~~~~~~~~

The coffee you drank was a welcome remedy for your headache. Tiredness still gnawed at you from where you sat at the dining table, allowing your thoughts to wander.

You didn’t particularly regret last night. Eris was…fun. A distraction, even. Perhaps you’d take him up on his offer, in the future.

“Next time you bring a male over, at least have the decency to sneak him out,” Azriel said from behind you, his face frozen with rage.

You laughed. Laughed, to your own surprise. “I dealt with centuries of you, Mor, and Cassian bringing people home. Cope.”

The finality in your tone seemed to piss Azriel off even more. “You even smell like him, for Cauldron’s sake.”

It was then that you realized you still wore Eris’s shirt. Again, you didn’t particularly care. “Good,” you spat out as you stood from your chair. “Maybe now you’ll know how I feel when you smell like Elain.”

“Did you fuck him?”

You weren’t sure why he asked. He already knew the answer.

“What does it matter?”

“Did you?”

“Did you fuck Elain?”

Azriel went silent.

“Allow me to make one thing clear, Azriel,” you started, taking a step closer to him. “I am not yours. You are not mine. What I do, with anyone, is none of your business. Just as what you do, is no concern of mine.”

You ignored the way the bond hammered against your chest in protest. The way you could feel his hurt surging through you like a tidal wave. Good. Let him feel what you’ve felt for months, now.

Azriel didn’t respond. Typical.

You started to leave, but Azriel’s next words had your breath catching short in your lungs.

“I know about the bond.”

You weren’t breathing. It felt as though the floor had been swept out from under you.

You turned back around, facing him. “What?”

“I’ve known for almost a year.”

A year. He’s known longer than you have.

You couldn’t bring yourself to form a proper response—you could hardly think over the roaring in your head.“Then why would you—Elain—what?”

Azriel took a step forward, to which you immediately stepped back.

Azriel began, “There is no excuse—“

“You’re right,” you sneered, “there is no excuse.”

“I’m sorry—“

“Save it.”

Azriel’s throat bobbed. He reached out a hand, as if to caress your face. “Y/n—“

“Do not presume to touch me. Ever again.”

You hurried out of the dining room before you could further register the anguish on Azriel’s face.

The bond made you feel it all, anyway.

~~~~~~~~

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