#i actually try not to think about it too much because it fills me with an unreasonable amount of rage
Note
hi!!! here for a request. can we have a imagine where reader has a wound from surgery or whatever on like in a rib and she hides to change the bandages but then spencer sees her and he’s like ‘lemme help you’ and…
you do you for the rest!
in which spencer helps BAU fem!reader change her bandages in the bathroom at work. it's intimate, and he's adorable and awkward, and it only fuels her terrible, terrible crush.
warnings/tags: fluff, talk/description of wound, brief talk of being stabbed (does not actually occur in this fic lol), reader wears a bra, spencer undoes said bra but not sexually, lots of suggestive humor and teasing, a TINY sprinkling of angst but not really, idiots in love
a/n: i'm picturing early seasons spencer and it is filling me with so much unbridled joy. I. LOVE. HIM. thank you for the request!! and lets not talk about how inconsistent my formatting for requests is pls and thanks!!
It’s not like you meant to bend down so quickly that your wound reopened—but here you are, suffering the consequences of your actions in the women’s bathroom at Quantico as you try to assess the injury before you re-bandage it. And your shoe is still untied.
Unfortunately, the fact that you had quite literally been stabbed in the back last week makes it hard to reach said injury—especially when you’re at work and so can’t take off your shirt like you normally would. And all this struggling means it’s taking longer than it should, so now you’re focused on the wound and its scabby, wet edges and all the things it’s secreting rather than hurrying to give another statement of the entire event to Hotch since the first one had apparently been too sparse on the details.
A knock sounds on the open door. Spencer calls your name.
“You in there?”
The angle of your neck has your voice slightly strained as you call back, “yeah, what’s up? Is it Hotch?” you pause to hiss as you accidentally scratch at the wound with a nail. You don’t even want to know how much bacteria you just introduced to it. “Tell him I didn’t forget our meeting, I’ll be there in—”
“It’s not Hotch. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay with your back? I know you said you were going to check on it, but you’ve been in there a while.”
You sigh, dropping your sore arm as you continue to hold up your shirt with the other and regarding the reflection of your back in the mirror.
“Actually—could you come in here?”
There’s a pause.
“You want me to come into the women’s restroom?”
“Yes, Spencer. It’s fine. There’s nobody else in here. I just… I need some help, I think.”
The last part is admitted quietly, with an air of defeat. To admit to needing help, is, by your standards, the same as failure. Spencer knows this, which is probably the only reason he puts aside his hesitations and shuffles uncertainly into the tiled room. If you’re asking for help, it’s because you really need it.
“What do you need help with?” he asks, sweeping his gaze suspiciously around the lavatory as if you were lying about there not being any other women present and this whole thing might be a trap of some sort.
“It’s gross, and you can totally say no.”
He raises his brows expectantly, before spotting the weeping wound on your back. Unconsciously he steps closer, leaning forward. It’s not your fault, and the gore is not specific to you—anyone’s body would react this way to being stabbed. But you still feel embarrassed by the close attention to such an ugly marring, which nobody besides you and your doctors has actually seen up close.
“That doesn’t look good,” he mutters. The expression on his face is irritatingly familiar—the drawn brows, tightened eyes, barely parted lips—but it takes a moment before you realize what it is.
“Reid,” you complain. He’s still stooped over slightly to examine the wound, and looks up at you through dark lashes with those infuriatingly warm puppydog eyes.
“What?”
“You’re looking at me the way you look at a dead body on the slab.”
His nose scrunches.
Some might say it scrunches adorably.
“No, I’m not. That’s just my face.”
“Okay, well stop. It’s freaking me out.”
He pouts—actually pouts. Subtle, but bottom lip jutted out and all. It’s ridiculously endearing.
“My face freaks you out?”
“Wh—no! That’s not what I said! You have—you have a great face! I didn’t mean—”
You manage to claw yourself out of the hole you’re digging when you see the dopey smile growing on his face.
Oh. He was fucking with you.
He never used to do that. It’s unnerving to be the fucked with instead of the fucker for a change. Especially when it’s Spencer.
“What did you need me for?” Spencer asks by way of peace offering. You close your eyes and sigh, attempting to collect your thoughts without his presence re-scrambling them.
“Um—I just need you to put this bandage over it. I can’t reach without taking my shirt off.”
And now you’re forced to wonder if he’s thinking about you shirtless as much as you’re thinking about you shirtless.
“Yeah—don’t do that,” he says absentmindedly, stepping again closer to get a better look before turning to the nearest sink.
For some reason, this offends you.
“Why not?”
Spencer pulls another face as he washes his hands—you love the constant flow of expressions he always seems so unconscious of. Even when they’re not pleasant and directed at you.
“Are you asking me why shouldn’t you take your shirt off?” he clarifies.
“I know why I shouldn’t take my shirt off, but I want to know why you think I shouldn’t take my shirt off.”
“Because we’re at work?” he observes astutely. You frown deeply at his completely logical reply. Spencer chuckles as he dries his hands and approaches once more, taking the square of gauze pre-lined with medical tape from your hand. “I mean, I can’t stop you. But it would be kind of a weird choice.”
“Oh, so me shirtless is weird?”
Cool fingers meet the comparatively hot skin of your back—where everything is still sensitive because the wound wreaked havoc on your nerves there. You flinch slightly.
“Sorry,” he murmurs gently. Though his touch is so incredibly light it doesn’t really hurt—it hurts much less than when you’re tending to the wound, anyway. It’s almost soothing. After a moment he continues, a bit louder. “And that is not what I was saying. But I am completely comfortable asserting that it would be weird for you to be shirtless at work.”
The gentle touches contrast with his teasing words and serve to disorient you as you’re shaken back in to your usual dynamic. Which is markedly more sarcastic.
“Well—”
Before you have to think of something to say, Spencer interrupts you.
“Your, um—I think your… brassiere… is in the way.”
As soon as he says it you burst out laughing. It echoes through the room.
“My brassiere? Are you actually 70 years old?”
His brows knit even tighter and his face gets very pink very quickly. He can’t meet your eyes over your shoulder.
“That’s what it’s called.”
“Spencer, you may be the first person to use that word since 1952. Say bra.”
“I don’t want to,” he complains. Your laughter only grows as your head tips back.
“Why? How is brassiere better than bra?”
“It’s—it’s too colloquial! I’m trying to be professional!”
“Call it a bra or I’m going to rub my dirty hands all over my back,” you threaten, adopting a poker face so he knows you mean business. His eyes widen immediately.
“Oh my god! Bra! Do you want to introduce staph and meningitis and g—do not do that!”
“See? How hard was that?”
“I hate you,” he mumbles, face still flushed and adorable. “And you still have to take it off.”
“Excuse me?” you grin, pretending to be affronted because you know he didn’t mean it like that but it’s fun to pretend he did. Fun for you, of course. Not so much for him. He's utterly flustered by this point.
“Or at least undo it! It’s in the way.”
With a deeply bored sigh, you go to unclasp your bra—but as you go to do it your shirt drops down. You grimace, humor briefly forgotten as the fabric brushes the damaged skin.
“I can’t—”
“Okay, just—I’ll do it,” Spencer says. “Just move your shirt again.”
So you do, watching his reflection as he works.
And you have not one joke to break the heavy silence with as you feel his knuckles gently pressing into the middle of your back, as he unclasps the bra with his characteristic tenderness and a surprising amount of agility. It’s quiet except for your pulse in your own ears as he carefully pushes it out of his way, holding it down with a hand to your rib cage and fingertips slipping just under the fabric of your shirt—unintentionally and certainly non-sexual, no doubt, but skimming under your heart in a way that still feels so intimate you’re realizing how touch-starved you are.
“You do that often?” you find yourself asking, because you’re stupid, and you need to cool the tension before it chokes you, and you can’t help yourself even though you don’t actually want to know the answer.
“I,” he begins, voice quiet as rustling paper, tongue darting over his lip and eyes narrowed. The sentence stalls as he focuses on placing the patch just so. “Do not think that is an appropriate workplace question.”
Something aches in the pit of your stomach.
Something resembling jealousy.
It was not the timid evasive linguistic maneuver of someone who is insecure about the thing they’re discussing. It was not the awkward fumbling no but I don’t want to tell you that which you were expecting from Spencer Reid.
Nor is it an easy yes—an admission between friends. He doesn’t want to tell you.
You swallow and try to act like yourself.
“Yet here you are, in the woman’s restroom at our place of employment, undoing my bra. I think we’re past professionalism.”
“When you decontextualize it like that it sounds like something it���s not. This is professional, because I’m helping you with a wound you sustained on the job. I’m being a good colleague.”
Your lips twist into a smile he can’t see.
“A great colleague would kiss it better.”
“It's almost like you want me to file a sexual harassment complaint with HR," he says through a little smirk as he smooths the bandage over. Before you can snip back, he steamrolls over his own teasing—you’ve both been speaking in almost reverent tones since he started but his voice loses the sarcastic edge from a second before and reverts back to concerned and sweet. “Does that feel okay?”
You rotate your shoulders best you can without letting go of your shirt or flashing the good doctor to check if it feels secure.
“It’s good. And hey—if I were going to sexually harass you I would do a lot better than that. You think that’s my best material? That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I keep so many inappropriate comments to myself. You’d be shocked by some of the things I have almost said to you.”
He laughs, secures the band of your bra and begins fitting it to the clasp you’d had it on—and at that precise moment Emily walks in.
“H—woah.”
“It’s—I’m—I was helping her!” Spencer panics, immediately removing his hands from you like his palms are burning and holding them up defensively.
“Oh, you helped me alright,” you tease, pulling your shirt back into place.
“Don’t say it like that!” And then, to Emily, “I was changing out her bandage!”
“Changing my bandage,” you emphasize, winking more than is advisable.
“That’s—this is a hostile work environment! I feel unsafe!” Spencer almost yells, half laughs, as he scampers towards the door. “I’m going to HR!”
“Shut up! You love it!”
His laughter audibly travels farther away for several moments as he presumably goes back down the hallway to do his actual job.
You have the stupidest grin on your face, but you wipe it off when you notice Emily staring.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she says, shaking her head and looking away, moving toward a stall. “You’re just… you guys are funny.”
“What do you mean funny?” You demand, standing right outside her stall as she closes it.
“Wh—I mean funny! Are you going to listen to me pee, you weirdo?”
You frown.
She makes a good point.
Unfortunately, giving Hotch a more detailed statement is just as bad as you’d thought it’d be. Despite how cheery you’ve tried to remain about the whole situation, despite the way you insisted that the wound was so shallow you didn’t need more than a few days off work, despite the jokes you make about forgetting it’s even there because it’s on your back—it’s hard not to remember exactly how the glass felt twisting under your skin, how you’d felt suddenly so hot and lightheaded and sick to your stomach and the way Morgan hollered because he didn’t know how deep it had gone after you crumpled quick from shock, when you’re asked to describe it all in excruciating detail.
It only takes ten minutes, but they seem to drag on and on and by the time you’re leaving Hotch’s office you feel utterly drained. You hurry back to your desk, covertly wiping away moisture that you refuse to allow to become tears. Once seated, and having dodged sympathetic looks and avoided any do you want to talk about its, you allow yourself a few deep breaths with your eyes shut.
When you open them, you realize there’s a fresh cup of your favorite tea on your desk, in the Snoopy mug the team is always fighting over. Now his little black nose is covered by a square of yellow paper. You’re already smiling as you peel away the sticky note and hold it closer.
On it is an adorably odd smiley-face, and a note in familiar, messy looping scrawl.
I would never report you to HR beautiful
That would be a stab in the back!
You snort loudly and clap a hand to your mouth—but you’ve already drawn the attention of almost everyone in the bullpen.
When you turn to look at Spencer, he’s not looking back. Instead, his eyes are firmly trained on his computer screen. But he’s got his chin propped on his fist over the desk, and his knuckles are doing a poor job of concealing a giant self satisfied grin. He is the only person on the team who knows you well enough to make such a distasteful joke. And he also knows you well enough to know that it would make you feel so much better after your meeting with Hotch than all the well-meaning sincerity in the world ever could.
Funny.
Maybe that is the right word for what you two are.
#spencer reid#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid fic#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid x self insert#criminal minds#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid angst#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid x you#dr spencer reid#criminal minds fandom#criminal minds fic#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds imagine#criminal minds fanfic
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Not yet
Azriel x reader
Summary: Your not ready to tell Azriel's family your mates in fear of them not liking you
note: It's just Az being the standard and the cutest shit ever. Also its pretty short im sorry lovelies <3
"I don't want to. Not yet" I murmured to Azriel, snuggling closer to his warmth. His hands ran up and down my back, sending small shivers down my spine.
"And why is that, sweetheart?" He replied, his voice slightly hoarse from having just woken up, pressing small kisses to my face. I opened my eyes and tried to get used to the light in the room. It was a Saturday, one of the days Azriel was content to just lie in bed with me with no commitments for the rest of the day.
"I just...I don't think they'll like me. I know it's stupid but I don't know them well enough. What if they think I'm using you or don't actually love you? What if they convince you that I'm not good enough?" I waited for him to say something. I didn't usually have anything bad to say against his family but I was never comfortable around new people. Especially if they were such important figures in our court. A slight sigh left his lips "Y/n. Do you really think I'd stop loving you if one of them told me to?...not that they would"
I sat up and tucked my hair behind my ear, his heat suddenly too much. "No but it's not just that. Imagine I say something wrong. I know their your family but their also high lord and lady. What if I say something...I don't know politically wrong? They'll laugh at me and think how in the world are us two mates."
Azriel moved his arm around my waist and pulled me back to lay down on the bed, his hand moving through my hair in a soothing motion. "They will think nothing of the sort because you are perfect. But if it makes you feel better we can wait for as long as you want. Feyre was talking about inviting the wonderful florist tomorrow. Accept her offer and get to know everyone a bit"
I thought about it and slowly nodded my head. "Fine."
Azriel was right because Feyre did invite me the next day.
"Y/n! Oh these are gorgeous! You've outdone yourself" Feyre said admiring the bouquet I had prepared
I smiled and handed her the card with all my business details "Thank you high lady. If anyone asks where you got them from please give them this."
"Feyre, please. No formalities between us"
I nodded my head "Feyre it is then"
She turned her attention to the rest of the shop looking around the flower filled store "You have such a peaceful life. Living amongst flowers and smelling like roses all the time"
I let out a small laugh. Very peaceful. Sometimes a little too peaceful. "I suppose. Although it get's boring at times"
Feyre's eyes lit up in excitement "You should come to dinner tonight! It'll be something different for you and we can get to know each other more"
I thought about what me and Azriel had discussed earlier. Now was the perfect opportunity, to meet his family. "Oh...I don't want to intrude. I don't know-"
She shook her head "Nonsense. Your coming tonight. Everyone will be scrambling over each other to get to know you"
I looked around the store, hoping for a sign as to what I should do. The only sign I could see however was the open sign on the front door.
"Fine. I'll come. Thank you the for the invite high- Feyre"
She beamed and gave me a quick hug, slightly surprising me before walking out with her bouquet of flowers. I sighed. Well I suppose I better go home and change so I looked slightly decent at least.
*Dinner, a few hours later*
Azriel cleared his throat slightly before continuing "Did you want something lov- y/n?"
I paused and clenched my jaw at the slip up. The chatter at the table was luckily loud enough for no one to quiet hear what he was saying. This was the first time I had been happy for Cassian's loud voice. I shook my head "I'll get it myself, thank you" I reached over and picked up the dish, adding a few potatoes to my plate, trying not to gather attention towards us two. Really. Azriel wasn't very good at following instructions. If someone had heard that I don't know what I would have done.
Probably jumped out a window or something.
"Everything alright?" Rhys asked looking over at me first, then Azriel and then me again. I nodded my head quickly and gave him a smile "Fine, everything's fine" Azriel didn't reply merely nodding in agreement too.
I let out a sigh of relief when he turned away and took a sip of his wine. Luckily dinner passed with no other accidents happening. I watched as everyone took their seats in the living room, Feyre and Rhys cuddled up on the couch while the others sprawled here and there, Elain having gone up because of a headache.
Azriel stood half hidden by his shadows in the door way, I could sense him even though I couldn't see him without squinting my eyes.
Come to the kitchen. It's important
His voice echoed in my mind, his deep and low voice making me miss him even though he was just inches away. I got up making an excuse of needing water and walked over to the kitchen, past the dining room where we had just sat. Before I could process what was happening I was against a wall and Azriel's lips were on mine, his shadows cocooning us in a dark and peaceful bubble. He kissed me like he was starving and he couldn't get enough.
We finally pulled apart my hands resting on his chest "Azriel" I warned him, the lust filled look in his eyes ready to devour me. His hands ran up and down my body, my waist, my hips warming each part of me.
"I want to tell them. I want to tell them about my perfect and beautiful mate." He whispered his eyes dark and his hair falling forward onto his forehead. I pushed a strand away "I can't right now. I'm not ready"
I knew even if I shook my head once Azriel would understand. His hopeful expression dropped slightly but his lips remained in a small smile "Let me take you home now, sweetheart. I can't live without having you close to me"
I rolled my eyes but smiled all the same "Don't be so dramatic"
He didn't reply, instead tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear. "We're going" He said finally and winnowed us on the spot. I didn't even get to say goodbye to anyone but all thoughts left me as Azriel looked at me with his devilishly handsome grin.
ignore any mistakes <3
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@slut4acotar @cupidojenphrodite @artists-ally @thehighladywrites @claireswritingcorner
@milswrites @riddlesb1tch
#berryfics#azriel fanfic#azriel shadowsinger#azriel#azriel acotar#azriel x reader#acotar azriel#azriel x you#azriel spymaster#azriel x y/n#azriel x reader fluff#azriel fluff#feyre#acotar fanfiction#azriel fic#azriel imagine#shadowsinger x reader#azriel shadowsinger x reader#azriel spymaster x y/n
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late nights w/ riki
GENRE! fluff
NOTES! gn!reader, est relationship, reader and riki r still in school, wc: 230+ for all
SYNPOSIS! just things you'd do instead of sleeping with riki!
✭ CONVENIENCE STORE RUNS
half asleep with your head resting on your boyfriend's shoulder, you felt light pokes on your cheek, many of them. the sudden touches startled you a bit, causing you to slowly become more awake.
"ki?" you mumbled, he took his hand back, shutting the laptop which was playing a movie in front of you two.
"we're going somewhere, get up" he informed, which confused you because it was 12:36 at night. an odd time to be leaving the house.
"okay..?" too tired to question where you were headed, you slowly got up, fixing up your hair and stretching as he led you out of the house.
the walk was short, but once you guys arrived, you knew it should've been obvious. of course he was taking you to a convenience store, he always does, especially at the most questionable hours. hand in hand, you two entered the luminescent building, waving to the visibly bored cashier before making your way to your favourite aisle. the chips, of course. there were always so many options, from doritos to a knock-off version of lays; 'slays'.
"i'm gonna get a drink, be right back" you told him after grabbing your go-to brand. riki was still deciding, he was always picky about what he wanted for the mood he was in, but for you, it was easy.
"noo, don't go" he held onto your hand tighter after you tried to slip it away, not letting you leave.
"it'll be a second!" you tried to reason, but riki didn't plan on separating from you for a second. god this boy was so clingy sometimes.
"my hand will get cold and fall off, you have to stay!" he paused, trying to think of the best way to bribe you "i'll buy you those gummies you like. i hid the last pack on purpose!" he smirked, knowing you couldn't deny those sour-filled strawberry gummies with the cute characters on the packaging. you gave in, and literally did not let go of his hand until you two got back home.
✭ STUDYING
riki wasn't much of a scholar, at all, and maybe you weren't a complete nerd, but you did try to get good grades. you two had a history test coming up, and not wanting to fail like the last time, you planned on studying that friday night. though, riki was dying for you to sleep over, so he invited you with the promise that he'd study with you and quiz you. now, he was more focused on doodling and making little comments instead of memorizing important dates and events.
"love, if you draw one more deranged cat i'm going to throw you out the window" you playfully threatened him, staring down at the page of solely doodles which was illuminated by a little desk lamp. what previously had a few minor notes written now had many.. questionable.. looking cats.
"i don't get it. who is the bald guy? what did he even do?" he switched the topic.
"if i tell you the whole story will you actually listen?" you tilted your head, admiring his pretty face at the same time.
"well, i'll try"
"after, i'll ask you questions about it, if you get them right i'll kiss you!" after saying that, riki paid VERY close attention to each and every detail of the story, getting every question you asked right, earning him several kisses. he didn't mind studying if it would be like that.
✭ KISSING
straight up, you two will stay up so long just kissing and taking breaks in between to giggle and talk. whether it be on his couch when his parents aren't home, or in the bathroom while there are guests over, you two love to stay up late just kissing.
"wait, i'm not done my story yet!" you pulled away from a long and loving kiss he gave you, since he interrupted you in the middle of a story you were telling, you wanted to get to the good part before you got too distracted by his pillowy lips. "she essentially just called me a rascal, i guess she was trying to offend me?' you continued.
"oh, wow" he mumbled, trying to make it seem as if he were listening to your story, but he really wasn't. you were tired, he was tired, and you were both sitting at the edge of his bed, unable to look away from eachother.
"old people, they really-" before you could finish, riki leaned in again, pressing his lips onto yours, giving you all of his love in a lazy kiss. you couldn't help but give in, the way he held the side of your face and the way he tucked strands of loose hair behind your ear, it drove you crazy. hearing your voice and watching your lonely lips move drove him crazy too. the night was still young, and he had no plans of going to sleep, he craved the feeling of being so closely connected to you, and couldn't get enough of the sweet lingering taste of lipbalm you had applied earlier.
✭ gaming
just you, him, nintendo switches in hand, and a tv. you two were playing mario kart, your character on the right and his on the left side of the large screen. you two were sitting back on the couch, you leaned against him, and you were very concentrated on the game. riki noticed that, and sacrificed driving off of the road to put his hand over your eyes, blocking your vision.
"riki! stop!" you squealed, hitting his hand with the controller, causing him to move it away from your face. he laughed, but you didn't, because you dropped by two places. "i'm not in 2nd anymore! are you serious!" now he was in second place, and close to catching up to first.
"my bad, a ghost moved my hand" he fake apologized.
"yeah and you'll be sleeping on the couch with that ghost instead of with me" you concealed a smirk, staring ahead at the tv as if you said nothing, but he shot his eyes towards you.
"what! i'm sorry! for real!" his eyes darted from the tv, to you, and so on because he still had to somewhat focus on the game.
"nuh uh"
"i'll give second place back to you, baby" he compromised, which sounded like a good idea to you. he stopped moving so you could catch up, replacing him in second place.
"and you have to change into the matching pajamas.." you added to the deal after you caught up, you were wearing the cute set of hello kitty pajamas, and were dying to see your boyfriend in his matching ones. riki knew he didn't have a choice.
a/n: i love this man saur much sigh
#enhypen#enhypen fluff#enhypen niki#enhypen riki#niki x reader#nishimura riki#ni ki#riki x reader#riki fluff
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ok not to alvar post in your inbox again but liek.
“You want to talk about being left for dead?” Alvar lunged forward, but Sandor and Ro shifted their blades to block him. “ I was left in a pod of orange goo while my brother and sister stood by watching! The same brother who threatened to carve me up with a knife earlier that night! The brother who stopped pressing buttons to try to save me as the pod filled up—did he tell you that? He let the tank fill, waiting for me to drown” (632).
this excerpt makes me want to eat concrete in a good way. we love to talk about fitz stopping pressing buttons, but the way alvar is angry at fitz for stopping isn’t really talked about as much as it could be i think.
i always thought it was so funny because alvar was given the chance to change and come back from what he did throughout flashback. and when his memories came back, he made his choice to turn his back on his family, but he’s mad when said family turns their back on him in return. but i rlly wanted to hear your thoughts on this because you’re one of the most ardent buttonsposters on this site
this is FASCINATING. Okay, so. Looking at Alvar's familial feelings, a lot of his hatred is centered on his parents. He felt drowned in unrealistic expectations he could never live up to as the only Vacker kid, and saw Fitz as a replacement, his parents saying he'd never be good enough. Whether this is true isn't really relevant, as it's how he took it
Fitz ends up in a weird cross section here where he hasn't actually done anything to Alvar but exist. Alvar hates Fitz for replacing him, but it was their parents that chose to have him. Everything Alvar hates about Fitz is a manifestation of his resentment for Alden and Della.
Fitz is the perfect golden boy. A telepath like their father, the youngest to naturally manifest at that. Replaced Alvar in looking for Sophie--actually found her when Alvar passed her by. Fitz enrages Alvar for being everything he thinks their parents wanted that he wasn't
But Fitz doesn't have to be. I think that's key. Fitz could throw it all away, stop being perfect, drown under the pressure like Alvar did, and join him. And I think Alvar wants him to. Then he wouldn't be replaced, and instead Fitz could serve as evidence of how horrible their parents were. If Fitz breaks, too, then the problem wasn't with Alvar
And yet he isn't. FItz is choosing, again and again, his family. His parents. To be on the opposite side. Which means he's now making an active choice to become the replacement he inadvertently always was, proving the problem's with Alvar. Which means Alvar can hate him for being himself now. He's just like them, and he's turning their sister, too. The little sister who was the most likely to get him--so when she doesn't? They're blinded, representing everything wrong with their world. The expectations, the indoctrination of the next generations, everything
Alvar is desperate to be the one hurting. He grew up incredibly privileged and only talks of the burden it was. Keefe said Umber was left for dead and he immediately lashes back with this quote, talking about how he's been hurt just as much if not more because he got gooed. And not only that, his family gooed him.
Which reveals he does value family to an extent. If it's worse to be hurt by your siblings, it's because they matter more. Again, everything Alvar hates is centered on their parents. Fitz and Biana were supposed to choose him, to see his pain and understand him, leave their parents behind. They're siblings, even if they're bratty and naive.
We see that in the repetition of brother before each point; he's highlighting the connection they should've had--and blaming its dissolution on Fitz. A little on Biana, but mostly on Fitz, as Fitz was the replacement and the spark to the fuel of Alvar's suffering. The last straw. He's furious. And frames everything as if its unbelievable.
Which implies, potentially, that he wouldn't do the same. That he wouldn't take a knife to his sister, or watch his brother drown. That for all his talk, he sees them as different from their parents and that they matter, deep down.
I think Alvar is desperate to have his pain acknowledged, to be seen and understood, which is a valid desire. But he has blown it entirely out of proportion in his quest to be seen--and his siblings were his main hope. Who better to understand what being a Vacker kid did to him than the other Vacker kids? But because of that blowing it out of proportion, even though they're all Vacker kids, they can't understand. Because Alvar's reaction is illogical. He's in the wrong, and he refuses to understand or realize that because there's kernels of validity to his feelings.
so he's simultaneously furious at Fitz for replacing him, being everything he wasn't, and not choosing him, and desperate to be seen and acknowledged and understood by him and Biana.
basically Alvar's a clusterfuck of complications of a man
#kotlc#kotlc character analysis#alvar vacker#quil's queries#sillyguy-supreme#also! most ardent buttonsposter <3#ty i'm very flattered#i hope this explanation makes sense. they're all very complicated so its hard to parse to the core of it at times you know?#and i'm certain I could go on and talk myself in circles
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WIP FRIDAY
I apologize for getting this out two days late, I’ve been busy with lots of packing and events! But I have a little reprieve, so I wanted to post another WIP; this one is from Heart Full, Bowl Empty.
BE AWARE THAT THIS SEGMENT INVOLVES A CONVERSATION REVOLVING AROUND UNWILLING BUT INTENTIONAL STARVATION. I know there are people who say they can’t read this fic because of themes like this, so be aware of this before reading this WIP!!
I included this snippet in today’s WIP because I have like three versions of the entire segment this snippet is from. I feel like it’s a really important segment with a really important conversation, and I’ve had a hard time balancing all the emotions the way I want to between Ingo and Akari, with frustration, sadness, anger, and empathy, to realistically get them to the resolution I want at the end of it.
The final version will probably only include a few parts from this particular segment.
Enjoy!!
—————
“I knew it! You’re doing it again!” Akari’s eyebrows scrunched, trying to understand through the frustration. “You said you wouldn’t!”
“Circumstances will improve soon.” Clearly done with the conversation, that was all Ingo said, but it was confession enough that he had fallen back on his word. Shame contaminated his voice, but if there was any regret, he hid it well.
“No, it won’t!” They were not even half-way through winter yet. “And you know it won’t!”
Ingo said nothing as the kits carefully moved around his slumped form, finding comfortable places to settle around him. She didn’t know if he intended to snuff the conversation out with angered silence, or if he was just too exhausted to care about arguing with her anymore. If it wasn’t for his small occasional signs of movement or acknowledgement, she’d think he was actually sleeping.
Akari carefully stepped into the nesting layers, moving to sit down next to Ingo. She settled with her back against the cavern wall, pulling her knees close as a few kits shuffled around to accommodate her. “You know I’m right.”
Huffing out an irritated sigh and nothing more, it didn’t seem like Ingo had any intentions to engage with her argument anymore.
“You couldn’t even pull yourself up over the ridge,” She prodded at him again, trying to motivate more conversation out of him. “I had to help you!”
“There are many, many factors that go into that.” A reluctant answer, perhaps a reflexive attempt to quell her worry; Ingo feebly rubbed his wrapped hand, almost as a display for his excuse.
“I’ve seen you do more when you’ve been hurt worse.” Akari retorted, a little softer now but still cold.
Ingo’s eyes remained closed, though his hardened expression implied that it came across as more accusatory than she’d intended. But perhaps it was precisely the time to be accusatory.
“Ingo, you’re so tired all the time now – you stopped coming to the training grounds because you just can’t make the trips all the time anymore! And you’re sleeping so much more than you used to, and it’s like you’re always hungry all the time, even though all I see you doing anymore is gathering food!” Akari’s voice grew more jagged as she continued to jab at him, entirely uninterrupted.
It was getting difficult. With Ingo’s tunic still sopping by the bucket, still somewhat red from the exhausted effort of washing out the blood, it could not hide the ribs that pressed out just a little bit more, or help fill out what the waistline had lost under the loosening belt. The abject dread of directly acknowledging that was too much.
“And- and look! You aren’t even willing to hold a conversation with me anymore, and I don’t know if it’s because you just won’t, or because you can’t!” The kits shifted uncomfortably as Akari retreated back into her own frustration instead. “People think you’re sick, Ingo! They’re asking me about you! What are you doing?”
The exhausted man remained where he laid in the nesting material, only moving his hands to rub at his face and sigh — a deep, forced sigh that swelled his side before releasing. Akari almost didn’t think he’d answer her, but with some effort, he propped himself up first onto his elbows, then slumped forward. The teen watched him run shaky fingers through his hair as he sat next to her.
“…I don’t know what I should do.” The guilt. The weary guilt cracked his voice and tore Akari’s anger down to heartache.
#ref for fic#BE AWARE THIS IS DISCUSSING INTENTIONAL BUT UNWILLING STARVATION#tw starvation#just in case#cause I know not everyone vibes with this story#and I’ll say it’s been weird myself returning to these segments I wrote months ago and re-reading them#AND TO BE MORE CAREFUL I talk about a personal situation sort of dealing with this below#a lot has happened in the timeframe of originally writing this and coming back to this#at the end of fall I got very very sick and it lasted well into February#I unwillingly shed thirty-five pounds because I could not eat#and I didn’t notice at all until I stopped and realized just how tight I had to make my work belt#even when family members pointed it out during the holidays when they’d hug me#it wasn’t until someone got very concerned and did something about it that I realized just how bad it was#I’m sure people remember when I mentioned I had gastritis#that’s what all this was I just never really went into detail about how bad it truely was here#so coming back and reading this segment specifically#having written it months before I went through any of this#felt really really weird and a little uncomfortable#I edited Akari’s accusations a little to fit my situation more about a month back#because I did not realize just how much more stuff like this would make you want to sleep#at least in my experience#but it’s been very very just#strange I guess coming back to this#it doesn’t make me want to not work on HFBE anymore it just feels very weird
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"Alright everyone, we are back. Now, for this episode I had to leave for work, so for the video I'm currently recording in the hotel I'm staying at, and hopefully Dale has his set up like I told him to so that.... Dale."
"What?"
"What's that?"
"Oh my mug? That's empty I need to put it in the sink."
"That's not-- What's with the oil drum?"
"Oh, so you haven't been following my tiktok? Wooooow."
"Hey, listen I- I deleted Tiktok off my phone years ago I can't go back now. And honestly, all I've heard is that you've been causing trouble."
"Hey that wasn't me. The guy that I was talking about a month ago made a 'response video' to me where he- really all he did was call me a 'beta low-test cuck' ,whatever the fuck that all means, and then he went through my videos and said that I was getting smaller because of my 'masturbation addiction'."
"... I can't believe we're doing another cum episode."
"You better believe it brother! So, in response I've created a personal challenge for myself: Throughout the month of November, I'm going to cum so much, that I can fill a 55-gallon Oil Drum by the end of the month with my cum alone."
"...No fucking way."
"I'm calling it the Cum Drum Challenge."
"The Cum Drum Challenge?"
"Listen I couldn't thin of a good name in time I only had a week to think about it before the challenge started shut up stop laughing."
"Ok ok sorry it- it got me. And you're doing this shit on Tiktok? How are you not banned already?"
"Well, I'm not showing myself filling the drum dude, I'm just like explaining it, and alluding to it. The filling sessions will be on my Onlyfans link in the descriptioooon~"
"Ok sure, whatever, fuck it. People are watching you do this? and liking it? unironically?"
"The first video people thought was just a joke, but by day 4 they were like 'oh this guys serious'. So right now its like 75% people saying I'm crazy and making jokes and like 25% pure awe. Oh but like dude, you know who did comment? Fucking Current Mr. Olympia and my favorite bodybuilder Andrew Nelson! And his comment wasn't ironic either. He was legit like 'I hope this works because it sounds way better than the alternative'. He's on my side!"
"Bet you got quick load after you saw that."
"Fuck off you can't say that now. He knows of me! He might be listening to this now."
"Ok, ok i won't. So, god, this challenge. How are you gonna do this, like 55 gallons isn't a small number dude."
"Yeah, but my buddy mapped it out with my 'average load volume' and I have to cum at least 10 times a day."
"10!?"
"Yeah, I know that's a lot for some guys, so if you wanna just try to fill a milk carton this month and then you can work your way up, no shame in that my friend. This is not for the faint of heart."
"Only 10!? What the fuck dude you're insane!"
"I know, these balls can fucking produce! Actually, side note to listeners we're recording this on November 7th, so I'm a week in. My balls are huge now dude. Like I had some big balls before but these babies are HUGE. And, oh god my beard's gotten all thick too? like I'm giving up on shaving this month it will not be tamed. And the muscles ugh fuck dude I can feel myself growing, like the more i pump this beastly cock It feels like liquid fire in my veins. And ...mmhh gruuh, dudeI get this full body pump every time I CUUM--ugh, fuck yeah man. So huge."
"Have you been jerking off this whole time?"
"...Maybe."
"Dude, again!?"
"I HAVE A QUOTA TO MEET! I'VE ONLY CUM 8 TIMES TODAY!"
"EIGHT!? ITS FUCKING 1PM YOU COULD'VE WAITED."
"WELL SORRY FOR TRYING TO OVERACHIEVE."
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I've been through a lot of breakups in my life. This isn't shocking given I am innately unloveable and quite frankly a lot to deal with. Probably the closest I ever got to warm feelings post break up was, "I love you but I am exhausted". Totally fair, I can barely handle me most days and I don't have a choice in the matter, so I get how it's too much for someone else. I remember a fight with that ex and at some point me uttering the phrase, "Oh, like it's my fault your friends suck". Guys, I am here to tell you that did not de-escalate the situation like you might expect. No one likes it when you're absolutely right in an argument. Anyway, I think about these things sometimes because I think we all often try to look for meaning in things that don't necessarily inherently have it. That's because we kind of need major events to be about us because the other option is soul crushing. Like, if my heart is ripped out and torn in two I sure would like to think it's about me rather than not actually about me at all and instead I am just an incidental casualty because not only is life cruel and random I am not that important. I mean, look, Hamlet was miserable but at least they named the play after him, we'd all rather be the star than the attending lord who exists to swell the progress of a scene or two. Those guys got their heads cut off and didn't get their own play for centuries.
My therapist says dwelling on this stuff isn't great for me but I always feel like she's being kind of smug, like she's so fucking smart. You're not the only analyst in the room, lady, I went to college too but I don't sit in an office analyzing poetry at people to show off that fact, even though I once wrote about the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and my teacher not only told me how good it was but that I had a real 'knack' for analyzing poetry and she would really like to help me explore that more if I wanted. And while I am at it an insecure person would read the knack in quotes and think the whole thing was sarcastic but I know it was because she didn't believe in knacks but through hard work and didn't want to diminish that. Tricks on her, I wrote that paper in one sitting the night before because I do have a knack for using a lot of words to get to something. It really can pull the wool over someone's eyes for a few semesters but at the end of the day eventually runs thin and people tire of your charm, thus the many break ups. Which brings us full circle and that's how you do this nonsense, you fill up a lot of space sort of talking about nothing but if you can turn a phrase with a little skill people will be distracted long enough and I am bringing that up today because I don't actually have anything new to say about Sydney Sweeney but that's the whole point, do I ever really? No, not really but this is how you drag all that out and fill a page and she has me thinking about all this because I am thinking about someone who doesn't like her very much but used to like me and now probably has forgotten I existed. Which is vague but that's how it works sometimes, but I promise you that's a second full circle. They're not concentric, the both intersect at the start. Today I want to fuck Sydney Sweeney.
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oops omg in my delirious ranting i forgot to ask you the question i originally meant to send lmao
would love to get your thoughts on Nesta & Cassian's relationship! your thoughts on its dynamics, its current state, its future, etc! any parallels you've found, or anything you find between them that makes you think it doesn't work - anything! i find the dynamic fascinating but i wish there was more than just "haha they drive each other CRAZy they MUST be mates!"
(i haven't read the 5th book but i'm ok if there are spoilers)
okay, if by 5th book you mean A Court of Silver Flames: apologies, i Have To talk about it, because it is the source of most of my Cassian/Nesta thoughts, so there will be spoilers. if you're talking about a different book and not counting the Christmas Special Novella TM as book 4...there's a 5th book??
also, as always, i have written entirely too much. thank you for enabling me on my red-string conspiracy rants.
let's see...this is really interesting, because conceptually i also see so many FASCINATING elements to Nesta and Cassian's relationship, especially thematically and in terms of the ways they mirror each other.
but then reading it within the context of the books themselves just makes it so. incredibly. frustrating.
first of all, what you said about "haha they drive each other CRAZY" is so real--i feel like it was an enemies to lovers story that devolved to centering around very shallow banter and hatefucking that is then still supposed to be seen as something super profound and lifelong for the two of them?
plus the way "mate bonds" are executed within the ACOTAR series frustrates me to no end...plus there's so much misogyny and white feminism and heteronormativity and poor depictions of mental health and abuse baked into the series under this progressive veneer that it for some reason gets...plus getting into the realm of wild speculation, i feel like a) sarah j maas legitimately dislikes Nesta and thinks she deserves the in-universe hate and b) sarah j maas is an only child.
so when i try to analyze Nesta and Cassian's relationship, it's just so difficult for me to separate it from all the rest of that. especially having read A Court of Silver Flames. a book that somehow filled me with more rage than breaking dawn? i did not think that was possible
another note: all of my quotes below are just cited to chapters, because i have an...um...let's call it the Kiera-Knightley-in-the-ocean-in-a-liking-girls-awakening-outfit copy of the ACOTAR series and i'm pretty sure the pages don't line up super well.
anyway, let's dig more into the good/compelling:
1. nesta is very squarely in My Type of female characters, and it's clearly cassian's type too.
aloof and mean and full of cold rage, wearing femininity like armor, with a spine of steel and a too-sharp tongue and undying loyalty to a very very select few soft characters...i LOVE LOVE LOVE that character premise, every goddamn time. and i love that cassian (in theory. according to what he says. not necessarily what he does.) sees that and loves it and doesn't want her to change. that fire is the reason he loves her, and was even when she was human! he's perfectly willing to dash himself up against it, because he sees a reflection of himself there! like:
"'You can keep that sharpness I like so much, that boldness and fearlessness. I don’t want you to ever lose those things, to cage yourself.'
'But I still don’t know how to fix myself.'
'There’s nothing broken to be fixed...'" -ACOSF, Chp. 50
!!!!
(now, do cassian's actions actually line up with that? mmm, debatable, but i think that's definitely more authorial blind spots than intent, and i like the theory!)
2. i am not immune to the:
"His voice was rough as he said, 'Five hundred years ago, I fought on battlefields not far from this house. I fought beside human and faerie alike, bled beside them. I will stand on that battlefield again,
Nesta Archeron, to protect this house—your people. I can think of no better way to end my existence than to defend those who need it most.'
I watched a tear slide down Nesta’s cheek. And I watched as Cassian reached up a hand to wipe it away.
She did not flinch from his touch." -ACOMAF, Chp. 57
3. i go absolutely feral every time i think too hard about the thematic lines you can draw between nesta and cassian.
nesta, who has made herself cold and untouchable and absolutely unwilling to yield to anyone, clinging to the symbols of status and perfect upper-class femininity because those were the only weapon she was taught how to wield...and cassian, who is all fire and fury and raw passion, seeing himself as the blade that bathes himself in blood at rhys' command without being able to understand why and just trusting that rhys knows best, defining himself constantly as a base-born bastard who is only good at the fight...it's SO FASCINATING.
they have parallel experiences that in practice were entirely different because of the social circumstances in which they were born!
(also the way both of their mothers and their deaths play into it???? nesta was shaped by her mother's presence and cassian by his mother's absence???? both of them see their mother's death as a defining moment, except nesta responds with retreating further into that cool passive cruelty and cassian massacres an entire village...HELLO????)
4. you know what? shout-out to nesta weaponizing cassian's care for and promise to her to save his life...
and ONLY his life, when he would've willingly and gladly died with his legion!!! and then feeling guilty about it after the fact! (maybe even guiltier than he does!) that's SUCH a fascinating thing to have between two characters.
how do you go forward loving someone when you feel unspeakably guilty about what you did in the name of that love? you saved their life because you love them! you hate yourself for saving their life! you still love them!
okay, that's my quota for complimenting the acotar series this decade:
1. all of the things that i talked about above are. um. not central parts of the entire 700+ page book that is allegedly cassian and nesta's grand love story?
like--don't get me wrong, they're there. i'm not pulling those elements out of nowhere. but the central focus of that book seems to be...i honestly don't even know. it's like, part nesta's "recovery" (i will not rant here about that), larger part Nesta's Inspiring Fitness Journey TM, part The Thinnest Villain Plotline Of All Time (guys that mortal queen was NEVER going to be able to get into the prison that rhys has to give you permission to get into. she would've just fucking died. it would've been fine. also the mortal queens' motivations are just so shallow and incoherent to me), for some reason part Feyre's Pregnancy Journey TM, and large, large part...
nesta and cassian bantering in increasingly bland ways and having tragically the closest sjm gets to kink because they're being a little bit mean and commanding with each other, but nowhere near enough to actually be interesting to me? and obviously i don't have anything against smut in the fairy smut series, but i feel like it takes up way more of this book than actual interesting relationship beats between nesta and cassian, and it's really frustrating!
like here, have a screenshot from my notes app from my first reading of this book, which i feel like summarizes a lot of my feelings related to that and in general about the "romance" she builds for them:
also why does she write about toes so much when she's writing erotic scenes it's not even like a character-specific thing it's in all the books i noticed it and now i can't stop seeing it, any time a female character is horny her toes curl it's such a stupid specific phrase
2. i cannot separate the romance between nesta and cassian from my deep, profound hatred of the premise of ACOSF, the way it depicts recovery and mental illness, and nesta's lack of agency throughout it.
(i will rant about this now! oops.)
first, i am at my funniest and wisest in the notes app:
but seriously! cassian is just so horribly, consistently cruel to nesta throughout this book, specifically around her grief, her physical condition, and her mental health issues, especially around eating.
"His hazel eyes guttered. 'Not eating won’t bring your father back.'
'That has nothing to do with this,' she hissed. 'Nothing.'
He braced his forearms on the table. 'We’re going to cut the bullshit. You think I haven’t gone through what you’re dealing with?'" -ACOSF, Chp. 5
"Cassian asked, 'What stair did you make it to?'
'One hundred eleven.' Nesta didn’t rise.
'Pathetic.'" -ACOSF, Chp. 8
"'I knew you didn’t have much muscle,' Cassian observed as Nesta lay belly-down on the ground, having collapsed onto her front after trying to hold a full-body plank, 'but this is absolutely pathetic.'" -ACOSF, Chp. 16
and Nesta clearly internalizes all of this, because these phrases recur in her narration over and over and over.
"She was pathetic for being so weak. Pathetic for now being unable to walk so much as a step without grimacing" -Chp. 13
“'They are when you’re as out of shape as I am.' A pathetic weakling" -Chp. 15
"She punched that thought out of herself, too. That pathetic, selfish thought. Just as all of her was pathetic, and selfish, and hateful." -Chp. 40
(i did leave out the "everyone hates you" conversation, because to be fair to Cassian, that's a moment where he's overwhelmed, and he does later apologize and walk it back and that's a genuine moment of growth for the two of them--which imo is just proof that he could be doing better in all these other situations!)
even the scenes where nesta and cassian are on the mountain, allegedly nesta's turning point, just make me so incredibly sad and frustrated on her behalf.
(even leaving aside the question of whether nesta was right to tell feyre about the pregnancy killing her, or how much it matters that she did it out of anger, or even if everyone is right to be mad at nesta which obviously im on nesta's side because FEYRE DESERVED TO KNOW LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DUDE WHO CARES IF SHE ONLY DID IT 'TO HURT FEYRE' FEYRE ISN'T MAD! HAVE YOU NEVER HAD A SIBLING???? SAYING THINGS TO HURT BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM IS LITERALLY 99% OF IT!!!! AND ALSO CASSIAN AND LITERALLY EVERY OTHER CHARACTER IN THIS BOOK GET TO SAY HORRIBLE THINGS TO NESTA OUT OF ANGER, RHYSAND LITERALLY THREATENS TO KILL HER FOR TELLING HER SISTER THE TRUTH ABOUT HER OWN PREGNANCY? i hate these quotes.)
(all quotes here come from chapters 47-50, the mountain sequence.)
cassian is saying things "quietly--coldly" with "nothing kind in his face", "nothing warm in it. No challenge or light. Just solid, stonecold warrior", an "icy, amused gleam in Cassian’s eye" as he makes her carry a way-too-heavy pack...and just silence! he doesn't speak to her at all! and she sits there and thinks she deserves it! ("Let him drive her into the ground, let him make her walk and act the servant. It wouldn’t fix anything. Wouldn’t fix her."; "She deserved to be turned into bloody mist by Rhysand. Wished Cassian had not come to save her.")
meanwhile in cassian's head, he's sitting there shocked that she's suicidal, ("Cassian knew that Nesta often hated herself. But he’d never known she hated herself enough to want to … not exist anymore." BOY YOU'RE DUMB AS SHIT), hoping for her to be healed...and still making the explicit choice not to comfort her! ("Instinct bellowed at him to wrap himself around her, to comfort and soothe, but another voice, an ancient and wise voice, whispered to keep going. One more mountain, that voice said. Just one more mountain.")
it just like...makes me so goddamn miserable, and i feel like it undercuts everything in their relationship.
nesta collapses because she wasn't drinking water and cassian rushes over and gives her water and carries her to safety?
cool, the reason she wasn't drinking water in the first place is because he TOLD her no breaks and because, again, she thinks she deserves to be destroyed over the thing he's told her he's angry about! (also he yells at her, of course.)
cassian, over the course of this book, helps guide nesta toward healing and coming into her full power and ability as a warrior, who can then empower other women to do the same?
sure, but he does it by bullying her, assuming he knows best when he has no idea what she's actually going through and won't bother to ask, and being cruel and absent allegedly because she needs to "save herself."
and, of course, all of this is in the circumstances rhys and feyre have created where the only alternative nesta has to being locked in a house with cassian and going along with whatever he asks of her is literal fucking exile with the possibility of death. ("So, yes: Nesta might technically be able to return to the human lands, but she would find no companionship there, no warm welcome or town that would accept her. Wherever she was able to find a place to live, she would be essentially housebound, confined to the grounds of her home for fear of human prejudices." -Chp. 2)
and look. there are a lot of caveats that can be made, (and have been by the acotar fandom), and some that i can even sort of get behind.
the one i find most compelling: nesta is definitely shutting cassian out, hard, and intentionally doing it in ways that she knows will hurt him so that her self-isolation will be most effective. she isn't really in a place, especially at the start of the book, where she wants to get better, and she is willing to be mean in the process of accomplishing that. and i do see the appeal of cassian being willing to be "mean" back! that said...i don't know, the tone of it still doesn't personally land super well with me.
and yes, it is 100% more interesting and better fiction when characters in a book respond imperfectly to mental health issues. not every character should talk like a therapist, or like they've been to therapy! it's more fun when cassian is messy and responds imperfectly and gets mad! he's entitled to feel whatever frustrations he does!
but sarah j maas so obviously doesn't think that's what's going on here. what cassian does "works," in the fiction. in the story, he turns nesta's life around, to the point where she starts helping other people, and in the triumphant climactic fight of the entire novel exclaims "because my mate taught me well!" as she wins. nesta thinks that he's good and perfect and she doesn't deserve him for...the entire story. she bows to amren and begs forgiveness, when amren is the first person to tell her that she's literally "a pathetic waste of life." like, i think we're supposed to believe that nesta is pathetic and has to choose to be "better" and that's just...your mileage may vary, but i personally hate it.
to address some other semi-common talking points that frustrate me even more...
yes, mental illness does not excuse someone's behavior and you still need to be held accountable, even if your actions come from a place of hurt and mental illness! but...this isn't holding nesta accountable. even leaving aside the question of accountable for what, there is a difference between holding someone accountable and just being cruel, and i can't help but put this firmly in the second category. calling someone "pathetic" doesn't actually help them improve their treatment of others in any way. also, it's not like nesta isn't aware and critical of her impact on other people (arguably too critical, but again, i'm a bit of a nesta defender by way of hating Rhysand with my whole heart), she is in fact deeply aware and unable to change alone because it comes from a place of trauma! (and being surrounded by a bunch of controlling ultra-powerful centuries-old also traumatized politicians who fucking suck.)
and yes, mental health care is not always nice and flowery. sometimes there's nothing you can do, because ultimately people do have to save themselves! sometimes you do have to let someone break down before they will accept help! sometimes, speaking as someone who has been extremely mentally ill for a very long time, you need someone who's going to say "that's pretty fucked up, dude," or that it's a little ridiculous to be scared of how permanent tattoos are when you have the number of self-harm scars that you do, or even jokes about you being terrible and unforgivable when you apologize for something like asking to hang out or interrupting over the phone by accident! but those a) require a degree of trust, consent, existing relationship, and shared experience and b) are not what cassian is doing. tonally, contextually, it is obviously different.
also, you know what? the acotar series sells itself hugely on being a YA series--sort of; the marketing has definitely shifted now, like, I've seen ACOSF in adult sections, but when the first three came out, it was definitely YA-marketed, that's how i found it, and there are a lot of teenagers reading it still--anyway--a YA series that deals seriously with mental health issues, recovery, and abuse.
and if it wants to sell itself on that, it should do better.
i first read this series when i was 15. and i completely missed all of the ways that rhys is manipulative and controlling! i took the author at her word that he was a feminist, and feyre had choice and agency!
ACOSF didn't exist yet, but i really truly am afraid of how 15-year-old me, who was struggling with an eating disorder (among other things), would have internalized parts of this book.
so yeah, in summary: i can't in good conscience enjoy nesta and cassian's relationship when so much of it is these moments of cassian reinforcing nesta's self-hatred, and being just outright cruel to her in her weakest moments, and the narrative justifying it.
(also sorry, one more thing: the way that this makes nesta's physical "training," and getting physically in shape, into a solution for her eating disorder? there are many ex-ballerinas, myself included, who'd like a word about that. physical fitness and over-exercise is actually also a huge piece of disordered eating! okay, sorry, i'm actually done now.)
3. yeesh, that was heavy. let's do something more fun:
listen. first of all. nesta is bi as hell and SO INTO GWYN. LOOK AT THIS.
"Nesta looked at her from under lowered brows again. 'Get out of my sight.'
Gwyn grinned, a broad, bright thing that showed most of her teeth and made her eyes sparkle in a way Nesta knew her own never had. 'Oh, you’re good.' Gwyn turned back to the stacks. 'Really good.' She vanished into the gloom. … Quiet settled around her, as if Gwyn had been a summer storm that blew in and evaporated within a moment." -Chp. 9
"Nesta allowed herself to listen--to savor the pure, sweet voice that rose and fell with sinuous ease. Gwyn's hair seemed to glow brighter with her song, skin radiating a beckoning light. Drawing any listener in." -Chp. 13
"The only bit of color and sound came from Gwyn." -Chp. 13
"Nesta closed her eyes, leaning into the music, shutting out one sense in order to luxuriate in the sound of her friend. Something beckoned in Gwyn’s song, in a way the others’ hadn’t. Like Gwyn was calling only to her, her voice full of sunshine and joy and unshakable determination. Nesta had never heard a voice like Gwyn’s..." -Chp. 52
"Gwyn bared her teeth. 'I refuse to leave you here.'
...Nesta said to Gwyn, “It is the only way.”
Gwyn screamed, 'IT IS NOT THE ONLY WAY!' And then she was
sobbing. 'I will not abandon you to them. They will kill you.'
'You need to go,' Nesta said, even as her hands began shaking. 'Now.'
'No,' Gwyn wept. 'No, I won’t. I’ll face it with you.'
Something deep in Nesta’s chest cracked. Cracked open completely, and what lay within bloomed, full and bright and pure.
She wrapped her arms around Gwyn. Let her friend sob into her chest.
'I’ll face it with you,' Gwyn whispered, over and over again. 'Promise me we’ll face it together.'
Nesta couldn’t stop her tears then. The chill wind froze them on her cheeks. 'I promise,' she breathed, stroking Gwyn’s matted hair. 'I promise.'" -Chp. 69
NESTA YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY--
and then, @r-biter put me onto the "Cassian is a trans woman" headcanon and i have never looked back. it's mostly from the Mor situation and the "lesbian dating a trans woman before either of them have realized" dynamic, which is just so incredibly fun to me (because i lived it? perhaps). but there's also a good amount of...where does that deep, personal rage about girls not being able to train come from? what could lie underneath seeing your body as only a blade, honing it as a weapon and nothing else, excruciating command and control of it, and still seeing yourself as too rough and too much and a brute to be controlled?
can't i just have cool badass butch as hell six-foot-whatever-absurd-number trans women in fiction?
so yes, my ideal view of the future of nesta and cassian's relationship is that they break up, nesta dates some women, cassian does some introspection and comes out as a woman, and maybe the two of them end up back together, but maybe they don't and they have incredibly funny divorced-friends energy for the rest of time.
4. cassian...loves rhys more than nesta? and i feel like that's a significant problem for their relationship?
this is a far more watsonian analysis than anything else on this list, but i still feel like it's worth saying, because i have. SO MANY thoughts about the "Inner Circle" dynamic, and the character conflicts, and frankly abuse, that happens within the balance of the IC being set up as "family" but also being huge political movers with a very strict hierarchy and Rhysand having ultimate power and say...
which in the case of nesta and cassian, shows up in a lot of ways. sending Nesta to the House of Wind is Rhysand's idea and Cassian is willing to go along with it and take the heat; in the argument they have where he tells her everyone hates her, it's because she calls Rhysand an asshole; Rhysand threatens to kill Nesta when she tells Feyre about her pregnancy and all Cassian can do is get Nesta away, and he sympathizes with Rhys' feelings and reasons for doing it, as well as agreeing with him that Feyre shouldn't have been told; Cassian does vote to tell Nesta that she has Made extra-magical swords in opposition to Rhysand, but he also fully wants Rhys to become High King of Prythian and thinks Nesta's swords should be used toward that purpose, without giving any thought to what Nesta wants in the situation...
it's just honestly hard for me to see a relationship thriving in that situation, where ultimately Cassian will (it seems) always bow to Rhys' authority, and Rhys legitimately fucking hates Nesta. even with their "reconciliation" during the birth scene, i'm...i don't know. skeptical. what happens the next time there's a disagreement? (that High King plotline isn't going anywhere, unfortunately.)
and, to step out of in-universe dynamics for a moment, and into some personal speculation about the Doylist view of these things...i do think a lot of it is because Maas genuinely thinks Nesta was in the wrong, and people were right to resent her before she "redeemed" herself by her big sacrifice for Feyre? which is also deeply frustrating to me and affects my read of the Cassian/Nesta dynamic a lot.
just from events in the book--Nesta bowing to Amren and begging forgiveness; Nesta feeling guilt and shame about interacting with Mor and saying she understands why she is angry with her (when the thing Mor says about Nesta deserving to be in the Hewn City is like. SO fucked...in general, the comparison that is for some reason constantly running between Mor as like, a "good" survivor and Nesta as a bad one...i could write so much analysis about that alone); Nesta sacrificing her power for Feyre and Rhys then hugging her--it's clear that Maas to some extent views this as a redemption journey for Nesta and not just a healing one...
and I'm not convinced that was necessary?
like, a lot of people's problems seem to be her letting Feyre go into the woods, which is like...okay, yes, Feyre was fourteen, but Nesta was seventeen? she was also a child in this situation? and it sucks that she didn't step up, and she was definitely extremely petty in the first book...but so was Elain? and Elain is like, instantly forgiven for it? but Nesta is held to a higher standard? (the "nesta has the soul of an illyrian so i expect better from her" is so??? demeaning to both elain and nesta???) even when Feyre says she understands and forgives her?
ALSO, you know who ACTUALLY had an obligation to protect Feyre and failed? THEIR FUCKING DAD, WHO EVERYONE IS NOW DEIFYING AND JUDGING NESTA FOR NOT VISITING HIS GRAVE, LIKE--
and then there's...Nesta is cruel. she shuts people out. but i don't know, it feels deeply hypocritical to resent her for that when the centuries-old immortals she's surrounded by are regularly eviscerating people and making backhanded deals with each other's abusers (the way Rhys treats Mor is just like. SO wild) and lying to each other for no reason...and it's just the most insane double standard that we're expected to see them as perfect and nesta as irredeemable for being mean.
(a semi-related side note: i have to point out that the solstice book is so fucking funny because feyre's sitting there worrying about nesta drinking too much and every other page in that book is her and her friends drinking themselves to sleep. like, i get it, but also. girl.)
anyways, that was a lot of words about nesta's overarching treatment by the narrative, but to bring it back to her relationship with cassian specifically: i feel like she's never going to be justified out-of-universe, or liked in-universe, unless she just starts going along with what rhys and feyre want her to be and do, and that really sucks as a basis for her relationship with Cassian. and i don't think this is happening in canon as an exploration of the ways being royalty and political leadership and pressure like that fractures relationships, i think we're very very obviously supposed to love rhysand and see his inner circle as an idealized friendship group for feyre...which sucks for nesta!!!
also cassian azriel and rhys all just need to have a threesome at least once i think i think it would solve a lot of their problems like what do you MEAN you multiple times fucked girls in the same room as each other at the same time while you were growing up
5. gender roles speedrun roundup:
i often feel like reading the acotar series leaves me with a spectrum of reactions from "are straight people okay" to "yikes, gender roles," (there are no good options on this spectrum), which just makes me roll my eyes so hard at so many interactions between nesta and cassian.
i could write a lot here, or i could just toss you this quote:
"The first time she’d seen Cassian, she couldn’t take her eyes off him.
She felt like she’d spent her life surrounded by boys, and then a man—a male, she supposed—had suddenly appeared. Everything about him had radiated that confident, arrogant masculinity. It had been heady and overwhelming, and all she’d wanted, all she’d wanted for so many months, was to touch him, smell him, taste him. Get close to that strength and throw everything she was against it because she knew he’d never break, never falter, never balk." -Chp. 10
like. what. is. what. do straight people really--
also i CANNOT take the use of male and female seriously there HAS to have been a better way to do that i just
to be more serious, there's also something really uncomfortable to me about nesta's view of cassian as the ideal of masculinity, and a fundamentally deeply good person (in opposition to her)...whereas we see so clearly from cassian's pov that he's just so deeply embedded in and surrounded by violence?
(i am never not thinking about the entire village that he slaughtered, and how he doesn't regret it, it took him ten years to "face" it but he doesn't regret it! apologies, i'm about to out myself as fundamentally A Star Wars Guy TM, but like...when anakin skywalker slaughters the entire village of people who murdered and assaulted his mother, it is--at least in theory, god those movies are bad--a very clear step into the dark side and the path that leads to him becoming the ultimate evil fascist imperial figurehead. whereas for cassian it's righteous and a step to him becoming "strong enough" to handle nesta!)
they are both a hopefully-unintentional weird racist exoticization of "tribal people" who mistreat women and get murdered for it written by white people though. god everything about the illyrians makes me feel so weird
the masculinity = violence thing is definitely not limited to cassian, (it's arguably worse with High Lord "get her out of here before i kill her for revealing that i was lying to my wife about her imminent death" Rhysand), so it's clearly an authorial thing seeping in, but it still makes me itch to dig my messy little fingers in and deconstruct it, you know?
so!
i'm sure i could write more, but this is already obscenely long--thank you for enabling me to write all of this! i hope it gave you a decent sense of my thought process...and i would love to hear any and all of your thoughts, i am as always so glad to be your friend in conspiracy-board-string meta and everything else.
#thank you so much for the ask!#acotar#acosf#nesta archeron#nesta x cassian#NESTA DESERVED BETTER FTW#also. is anyone surprised that this is the stance i took#because i'm sure not
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Baby Severide - Chapter 9: Date Night
*Gif belongs to its rightful owner, it is not mine*
Pairing: Kelly Severide x reader
Summary: You and Kelly go on your first date night after becoming parents
Words: 1569
Warnings: implied smut, doctors, mentions of sex, mention of siblings, hockey
Read on Ao3 here
Notes: So remember how I said chapter 8 was the last of Baby Severide? Well I lied because I love this fic so so so much. Thank you for your support and join the Taglist to be notified when any of my new fics are published!
Join my taglist here
Tags: @district447 @mrspeacem1nusone @tringeorge @storiesofsvu @cfdhouse51 @skullcupcakes @whatismypurpos @carnationworld @youraveragedorkysimp @treehouse-mouse @witchywinchester99 @keabbs @marvelcharactersxreader @pensfan5871 @dhighsstuff
——
"So I'm cleared?" You asked, sitting up on the table.
"Yes Mrs Severide, you may now return to full workouts, sexual activity and carrying more than 20 pounds. Take it slow, if anything is painful or feels out of the ordinary, please give us a call," Dr Calhoun replied, "how does that make you feel? Mentally?"
"Honestly, a little nervous."
"Why?"
"What if something happens?"
"From everything that I have checked, there is no need for concern. If something happens, we're only a call away. If its after hours, head to Med and have them page me. If there's something wrong, and I don’t think there is, but if something happens, we will take care of it. There's no need to worry."
"Okay. So I'm really good to go?"
"Absolutely. My last word of advice because I've been doing this for a while and I now have two of my own, use a good lube or try it in the shower for the first few times. It makes all the difference."
You chuckled, "Thank you Doctor Calhoun, for eveything."
"If you ever decide to have more children or need a GYN, give me a call."
Dr Calhoun left the room and you collected yourself and Alexis to leave your final OB appointment for the foreseeable future.
After arriving back at your car, you placed Alexis' carseat in the base and called Kelly.
"Hey, how'd it go?" Kelly eagerly answered your call.
"Good, all cleared and good to go. You home from shift yet?"
"Just leaving 51. Meet you at home?”
"Sounds good, see you soon. Love you."
"Love you too."
—
“Kelly, you here?" You heard rustling in the bedroom.
“Yeah, hold on.”
The rustling continued.
“What are you doing?” You laughed.
“Found it,” he exited your bedroom holding a box.
He followed you to the couch, a now sleeping baby nestled in the crook of your arm.
“Whatcha got there?”
“Katie sent us some stuff from New York for Alexis.”
“Katie working today? We should FaceTime her to open it.”
“How long has Alexis been asleep?”
“Almost an hour. I fed her before my appointment and she slept the whole time.”
“How lucky are we that she’s a damn good sleeper?”
“So lucky.”
He looked at the unopened USPS box on the coffee table.
“So calling Katie?”
“Let’s do it, I’ll see if Alexis wakes up when I pick her up.”
You picked Alexis up as Kelly started the FaceTime call to his sister. Alexis awoke, but was her usual calm self as soon as she opened her eyes.
“Hi Alexis!!” Katie smiled as she answered the FaceTime call.
You took Alexis’ arm in your hand and gave Katie a little wave.
“We wanted to wait to open the package until we were with you, but I guess FaceTime will have to do,” Kelly laughed.
“Actually, let’s wait to do it until I’m there.”
“How long will that be?”
“About 30 seconds,” she giggled, knocking on your apartment door.
Kelly practically ran to open the door and hug her.
“How long has it been?” He chuckled.
“Too long,” she smiled, hugging him back.
You invited Katie in and spent the rest of the day hanging out and catching up, before finally opening the package. It was filled with NYC and Manhattan-related gifts along with a white envelope on the bottom.
“What’s in there?” You asked, curiously.
“Open it,” she smiled.
“Tickets to the Blackhawks game?” Kelly was giddy, he was so excited.
“They’re for tonight, I’ll babysit. You guys have fun,” Katie grinned.
“Katie, I- I- I don’t know what to say,” you started to tear up.
“Don’t say anything, I’m happy to do it. I’m gonna go check into my hotel and I’ll be back in time for you guys to get to the game.”
—
“Kelly are you ready?” You called into the bedroom while bopping Alexis.
“Yup, I’ll be right there.”
He walked out of the bedroom with his Blackhawks jersey in hand, wearing one of those undershirts you couldn’t help but fall in love with.
“You gonna carry that at the game too?” You giggled.
“Don’t want Alexis to spit up on it. Put it on when we leave,” he laughed, taking your daughter from your arms.
“Katie will be here in like 30 minutes. I gotta curl my hair and do my makeup and get changed.”
“Already found something for you to wear,” he smirked, “it’s on the bed.”
You walked in to the bedroom to find your Jonathan Toews jersey and your favourite pair of jeans on the bed.
"How did you know?" you laughed.
"What can I say? I know you well, babe."
You changed quickly and fixed up your curls.
"Katie's here," Kelly called.
"Be right there."
Quickly, you threw on some mascara and lip gloss before going to the living room.
"You look good babe," Kelly smiled, handing Alexis off to Katie.
You leaned over and kissed him, feeling a little more like you wanted to stay in rather than go out.
"There's, uh, breast milk in the fridge, her schedule is on the counter. Um, Sylvie's number is on the fridge in case there's any, uh, problems," your mind distracted from the kiss, you couldn’t help but giggle.
"We'll be fine. You guys have fun," Katie smiled.
You gave Alexis a hug and a kiss on the cheek, "good night baby, mommy loves you so much."
"Good night Alexis, daddy loves you to the moon and back."
Watching Kelly love Alexis was something that made you fall in love with him more and more. Having a stable husband with whom you shared a child with was something you dreamt of since high school.
Kelly grabbed his jersey and followed you out the door.
--
Walking out of the United Center back to Kelly's car, you were exilerated, but exhasted. The Blackhawks had just snapped their 5 game losing streak, and won with a 4-0 shoutout. That was the perfect end to your first night out after becoming parents.
"How you feeling?" Kelly asked, "you up for Molly's or are you done for the night?"
You stopped at the car, leaning into Kelly for a kiss, "What about something else?" you smiled.
"You up for that? You just got cleared today," he asked, kissing your neck. He knew you wouldn't say anything unless you were ready.
"Bassinet is finally in Alexis' room. Seems like a great time to test things out again."
"You look so good tonight baby, we'll do whatever you want," he smiled as he went back in for another kiss.
The traffic home was a nightmare, but by the time you got to the apartment, you were ready for anything.
"We're home," you smiled, opening the apartment door.
Katie was asleep on the couch, but woke at the sound of your shoes coming through the door.
"How'd it go?" You asked, going to check the baby monitor.
"Been up every 3 hours since you guys left, but she just went down about a half hour ago if you guys want to get some sleep," she yawned, packing up her purse.
“You need a ride to the hotel?” Kelly asked.
“I have an uber a few minutes away, but thank you.”
“I have another day before I’m back on shift, wanna meet up and do something tomorrow?”
“That sounds great, I’ll text you guys when I’m ready for the day.”
You and Kelly both hugged Katie before seeing her out of the apartment. You watched her get on the elevator and then locked the door behind you as you entered the apartment.
“Shower or bed?” You laughed, pulling him closer for a kiss by the collar on his jersey.
“Whatever you want baby,” he chuckled, pulling your jersey off, “it’s your night.”
You grabbed Kelly by the hand and led him into the master en suite. The bathroom door clicked shut and Alexis started to cry.
“Shit,” you started to laugh, resting your head on his chest.
“I’ll get her, put her back down. I’ll met you in there in a few.”
Kelly left the bathroom for the nursery and you started the water. Throwing your clothes on the counter, your hand brushed by your scar. Healed up and mostly pain free, it was still a reminder of what had to be done to bring Alexis into the world. You stepped in the shower, wincing at the feel of the water being a tad too cold, and turned the temperature to more suit the steamy theme of the evening. Kelly returned, already having left his jersey in the other room.
“How’s the baby?” You asked.
“Good, pacifier fell out of her mouth.” He mindlessly undid his jeans and removed the tank covering his chest. He looked back towards the shower.
“Damn, you’re-“ he was almost breathless. The two of you had been intimate all throughout your pregnancy, but the morning sickness wasn’t as attractive as you naked in the shower.
“You gonna join me?” You didn’t have to ask twice, he was gonna obey the first time.
He finished undressing and practically leapt into the shower. With a flick of the wrist, he tipped your chin up to make eye contact with him. Backing you in the shower’s wall, he placed his other hand on the tile for support. He leaned in and the passionate kisses began shortly after.
#kelly severide imagine#kelly severide fic#kelly severide x reader#kelly severide#chicago fire fic#chicago fire#chicago fire x reader#one Chicago#one chicago fic#Baby Severide fic#kelly severide x you
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perhaps my most esoteric but very, very passionate spn take is that i truly believe if you haven't watched season 1 supernatural with the original music cues, you have not seen season 1 supernatural.
#i actually try not to think about it too much because it fills me with an unreasonable amount of rage#like so many people are out here just experiencing season 1 WRONG#no highway to hell at the end of the pilot???#no fear the reaper WHILE the reaper is attacking someone???#no sugar we're going down playing in the background while high school girls chitchat in bloody mary???#no in-a-gadda-da-vida at the opening of skin???#NO bad company NO boston NO bob seger#no carry on my wayward son which in the original run was first used in salvation#no can't find my way home in route 666#AND THE BIGGEST CRIME OF ALL NO BAD MOON RISING AT THE END OF THE SEASON FINALE
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Linktober Shadow Day 7
Gloom Hands
This goes out to the way I cackled hysterically once seeing these things in TOTK, well done Zelda Team. They're a terrifying concept and I really feel exploring that could be fun, even if this prompt gave me a headache and a half.
Bit late today because we've been pelted by way too many storms/lightning and writing on mobile with lightning shaking your house is generally a bad idea, so I spent most of the time writing this and the Linktober prompt by hand, then transcribing it back onto mobile as soon as I could touch eletronics without the major risk of being zapped and picking a god and praying that my internet wouldn't be too funky so I could get it out on time. Short one again though because I still need to finish the Linktober prompt so it should come out later today or fully tomorrow, sorry folks.
Anyway, as always can be read as romantic or platonic, also Sage is here both because of the prompt and because the mental image of Wild Reader and Sage trauma bonding over the extremely twisted nature Gloom/the Malice have compared to just dark magic in general in LoZ was too funny to resist, if Nintendo won't talk about the many variations of Dark Magic in LOZ and how it affects any who come in contact with it then lord darn it I guess I'll just have to do it myself (or as much as I can without breaking out the companion essay to the Realm of Darkness and Realm of Light essay which I'm already having trouble digging out).
TW:
Technically graphic descriptions of decay, gore and eldritch horror, and Reader just not having a good day in general, don't recommend reading I'd you're highly squeamish.
When you’ve first met Sage, as the Chain temporarily dubbed him, you and Wild didn’t miss the way he looked so, so haunted. Emotions warring like a storm as he looked Wild over in a mix of disbelief and the weariness of a wounded fox getting ready to bite just to escape, at the Chain with such longing ache that made one’s heart break, the way the first time he met Wolfie he didn’t hesitate to throw himself atop the canine and hug him so close like he was trying to melt into the fur, and looking at you like he didn’t know wether to cry, scream or to shut down before he buried it under the mask you knew your resident Champion could use when trying so desperately to keep it together, hands shaky as he signed in a way that set your teeth on edge and felt like you had taken a dozen of ice arrows to the back, urgent, 'It’s not safe. None of you should be here. You need to leave. Now.'
Needless to say it was alarming, even as you all knew just how ferociously untamed his and Wild’s Hyrule could be, with being overrun with so, so many types of divinity through each crack, root, drop and flesh of it’s beings. From Hylia’s cold calculating care, the Three Goddesses blood, tears and breath of life, to the Malice’s howling self sustaining fury, The Lost Woods ever overgrowing freedom and even the remnants of the Fierce Deity’s hunt in Satori’s and Malaniya's savage display of cyclic eternity, it wasn’t any surprised that apart from the Traveler’s Hyrule it was the most aggressive one with the smorgasbord of energy so thick it made even you choke on it everytime you stepped foot in it. Beautiful and free in an echo of it’s once untamed state in the age of myth even before Sky.
Over time, you and the Chain learned how to adapt to it. To listen to the warnings Wild gave about the Guardians and about the remains of Malice in his monsters, of how the moon had been forever tainted with it and how, until Sheikah tech was fully repurposed it would be best to avoid the castle all together it was difficult but manageable, and even if Sage’s reaction was alarming (and he seemed even more troubled once Wild passed onto him from Sky that, while he wasn’t to come with them yet due to how things were apparently ‘fated’ to happen, there was no way you all could leave quite yet, distantly sticking by Wild and Twilight when possible and checking on everyone’s health when not doing so), you’d though it would be much the same for his own, and in parts you were right as the Chain had taken to the new environment like fishes to water even if it took some adjustments.
Though you were quickly proven wrong, and you could have laughed at your past self’s naivety.
It was meant to be a quick run to clear a black blooded monster camp, and while decently challenging, it was over quickly between the Chain getting more apt at fighting the enemy, Sage’s addition as the man fought as ruthlessly and ferociously as Wild, switching between deadly marksmanship and feral combat on a dime and the absence of the unnaturally inteligent black scales lizalfos, you’d rest and be on your way quickly. Or so you all thought.
Twilight had been the first to smell it, the bubbling of dark but distinctively twisted magic, even more so than Zant’s brand of madness. Wild the one to spot it, the rot black and blood crimson building up at the edges of camp from his vantage point but it was Sage who had tensed, eyes snapping to the faint glow the Master Sword emmited just as the sky darkned before his frantic, alarmed howl swept over the Chain, the sheer desperate, protective panic making all of your boys still, because Sage never used his voice unless he absolutely had to, “IT'S NOT OVER! MOVE!”
It was all the warning any of you got before reality twisted, straining, and then finally screaming, the heavens staining with crimson as if gutted open, the eyes of a sin against nature itself cutting through your relief and infecting your veins with terror. It shakes you to the core, freezing with indecisive flight or fight as you spotted the tide. Heart in your throat as you tried to comprehend what you saw.
“WHAT THE-“, Legend cursed, looking ashen as his grip on his fire rod tightened. Really, all of your heroes look disturbed and you can’t blame them.
“Get to high ground if you want to live! We can’t fight these things.”, snapped Sage, much more composed, but no less frenzied.
None of you hesitate to listen.
(There were some unspoken rules, when in Wild’s Hyrule the first time around. If there is something the Champion, the most reckless of all Links, wasn’t willing to fight head on or said wasn’t worth it, the best course of action was to listen, specially if the group was vulnerable.)
The hands screech, the tide rolling over the land with an reality splitting clamoring, a sound so filled with fury and so, so twisted it made your Hylian’s ears friends bleed and you lift a hand to your head in pain as Wild pulled you along, Sage leading the charge for the nearest cliff face as Warrior’s threw Wind over his shoulders and Twilight didn’t hesitate before doing the same to Four, the frost from Legend and bomb arrows from Time and Sky barely doing nothing to slow it’s relentless charge, merely taking from it a distorted, pitched crescendoing belt of pure rage and the overlaying of many tortured souls screaming all at once, of Hyrule rejecting this existence from the world but wounded at being unable to vanquish it, the sound it makes as it spreads and drags itself across the ground with uncanny speed with it’s many, many arms like something in between sludge and smacking, wet, rotten flesh.
Sage switches between shooting arrows to helping the other Links up the cliff and shooting at it’s eyes with the strongest bow he has,making as many arrow fusions on the spot as he dares. The others quickly taking as many ranged weapons from their sides to do the same. You help Hyrule up the clifface, while Wild swipes Cryonis over the field, climbing up himself, being hauled to Sage’s side.
You are almost there when one of the hands latch onto your ankle, and you go down with a scream, Sage all but dropping the bow in his hand in favor to latching onto your hand with snarl. And
It.
Is.
Agony.
(It burns through you like your very atoms have been set on fire,bthe hands take the opportunity to sink into you, long long unnatural fingers sinking into your flesh in a unhurried blanket of darkness, the Demon King’s will is roaring, growling with abyssal rage, if it cannot rule Hyrule, it would kill everything in it instead. Gloom sinks into your cells, raptures the membranes and makes the skin slip, frantically invading, you taste rotten flesh on the back of your throat and the scent of wither and ash choke you as it sinks into your flesh, marrow, breaks down your bones bit by bit, cracking and infecting and breaking down your very essence with the fury of a dead deity which refused die, decay on an accelerated rate all over where the hands clutched like a vice as the Links trunfo pull you out or attack it and it is painful and it’s excruciatingly wretched and make it STOPCEASEITHURTS-)
A well aimed Skyward Strike severs the connection, the pain stops and you fall into Sage, breathing hard and unevenly, grasping at him like a lifeline, clawing and counting at Wild’s arm on your other side like a wounded animal, your taste blood on your throat from the screams that were ripped from it, Hyrule falling to his knees on your side as healing magic washes over you like a shroud, trying to get you to respond.
Reality howls along with you, before all is silent.
It barely took a second.
“... Just what were those things?”, rasps Sky, horrified, a sentiment echoed through the Chain, though you can’t focus on it, trying not to choke on your own blood and to pull yourself together, Wild’s hand unconsciously settling on your pulse, shaking, and Sage’s tense tone cuts through the air as he scans the area. Still tense, tone hoarse.
“... The reason why I wanted you to leave.”
Later, much, much later, before you all leave, you learn they are called Gloom Hands.
It’s unanimously agreed that all you hold loathing for those abominations, even long after you’re forced to leave Sage.
He whispers something to Wild on the way out, hugging him close, trembling. Your Champion nods, you can’t make out the words, but you make sure to hold him as close as you can before you go, indulge him in checking for your pulse even long after you’re healed.
You hope he’ll be safe, he hopes that the next time you all see each other again, it’ll be under better circumstances.
#linked universe x reader#linked universe wild x reader#linked universe sage x reader#Does Sage know more than he lets on? Absolutely. Will he ever talk about it? Probably not.#Up to interpretation what Sage told Wild because it's very intentional that no one but him hears it#Yes I threw the Chain right in the middle of his adventure just to cause future worry and trauma lol#Just saying. The Gloom Hands are as much a living being as they are an infection upon the living land that is Hyrule#None of the aspects of Hyrule like it and the people in it much less.#Due to the many faces of Dark Magic in LoZ not even people connected to it are down for it in this essay I will-#I have a lot of thoughts about it in my mind and headcanons to try and fill in the gaps but sadly the storm kept me from addressing it#Also shout out to the ask about my thoughts on it.#I apologize for the wall of text you shall receive once I'm actually well rested enough because 'tis a long one#but just thinking about it helped me dive into this prompt with all the vigor of a possessed victorian widow#after inheriting her husband's state#I have way too many thoughts about the nature of Hyrule and the lore and connections behind it's magic lol#summer writes linktober shadow 2023#summer writes
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I'm currently rewatching season 5 and the episode where Riley leaves just happened. The ending annoys me so much (even if does make sense). If Riley would just glimpse down, he would see Buffy there, doing exactly what he wanted: trying to give him a reason to stay.
Buffy isn't a perfect girlfriend but it's clear that she loves Riley and, more importantly, trusts him. Maybe she doesn't need to rely on him in a physical fight but she obviously believes that he's going to be there when she needs him (at least most of the time). She can't always lean on him, even when she wants to, but that has more to do with her own issues than her relationship with Riley.
The real problem is Riley's deeply rooted insecurity. He wants to be the one to protect her, especially in a physical sense, and feels weak, unimportant and emasculated if he can't do that. After meeting Angel, his insecurities really ramp up and he compares himself to him constantly. In his mind Buffy thinks he's inferior to Angel. When Buffy doesn't tell him everything or come to him with all of her emotional needs, he can't handle it.
Istead of addressing his issues, Riley blames Buffy. Buffy doesn't love him, Buffy doesn't need him, Buffy doesn't care about him, when really that's what he thinks and feels. He takes his feelings as fact rather than a reflection of his own insecurities. Even when presented with evidence of Buffy's feelings, he ignores it or twists it into further proof of his beliefs. He can betray Buffy's trust because he's convinced himself that Buffy doesn't really care about him.
From Buffy's side this is tragic: She's had to take care of her family and be strong for them, so she's had to hide her fears and pain. She's trying to keep Dawn safe. She has a lot on her plate and, understandably, hasn't really been able to spare much of her time or energy on Riley. She believes he understands and still will be there once things calm down. Then she finds out how wrong she was.
No matter what he says, Riley tries to put the blame for his actions on Buffy. He's so convinced Buffy doesn't love him that he isn't capable of listening to Buffy when she's telling him how she feels. He brings up his need to take care of her but, as Buffy kind of points out, it would really be her taking care of him by trying to fulfill that need. She's the Slayer and that's why she can't fully rely on anyone else. Riley wants something that Buffy can't give.
He then gives her an ultimatum: If she wants him to stay, she needs to give him a reason to do so. (Again, it's on her to save the relationship even though he's the one who broke her trust.) In reality, she can't give him a good enough reason to stay. This is all rooted in Riley's insecurity and Buffy can't fix that for him, no one can. Even if she showered him in love for the rest of eternity, it wouldn't change anything. It certainly hasn't before.
Still, she tries once again to prove to Riley that she loves him. She rushes to stop him from leaving but it's too late. No matter how hard she tries to yell, he can't hear her. And he doesn't look back.
I think Riley doesn't look back because he's certain that Buffy isn't there. He doesn't even glance back because that would mean he still has hope that Buffy loves him. The fact that she's there is proof that she does love him. Riley is blind to Buffy's love for him, so he can't see her.
#buffy the vampire slayer#btvs#buffy#riley finn#could their relationship be salvaged? a solid no#but this is heartbreaking for buffy#she tries so hard but it doesn't change anything#is it realistic? yeah#is it awful? absolutely#also angel leaving buffy because he thought she loved him too much#and riley leaving because he felt she didn't love him enough#somehow buffy's feelings are always wrong#and nobody actually listens to how she feels when she's trying to tell them#it fills me with rage :)#i've thought about this way too much#i wrote this so that i could stop thinking about riley#please i need to forget his existence#i ramble about btvs
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did Pinterest fuck with their algorithm or smth? their suggestions used to have me by the throat but lately theyre shit
#pinterest is really the only algorithm based site i support even conceptually#actually now that im thinking about it the reason the way tumblr is going about updating this website sucks#is because theyre trying too hard to emulate twitter but tumblr and twitter are fundamentally different website genres#whereas pinterest is the only current Well Known analogue to tumblr#like. this is very much a Multi Media Blogging Platform with an undeniable and historic focus on visual media#twitter on the other hand is Thee Text Based Blogging Platform and has also been like. legitimized in the eyes of#the non-chronically online public.#i think there are plenty of ways they could more effectively monetize this website without so .... crudely altering the very essence of like#this websites spot in the web 2.0 canon.#i think discounting this websites foundational relationship to visual media - and by extension creativity focused communities -#is only going to alienate your userbase and create a contentious relationship between developer and user#and really what could elevate this websites foot traffic and therefore ad revenue#would be to differentiate itself as the Big Social Media Platform where the developers arent seen as like. evil overlords#like that is the hole in the internet that needs to be filled#if you read this entire essay in the tags ... girl why#anyhow#honestly?#staff#should hire me.
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Thank you so so much @biathediamond @icyfox17 @salineroses and Pinestripe for sending in such darn lovely asks for the AU game!! I’m having a lot of fun with them :D
#making this post because I’m not too sure when I’ll actually post them#(if you know me than you know that my stories are never Short. they are going to be longer than three sentences lol)#bia I actually had a little idea for a fic a couple days ago that fits your prompt! so that’s fun :D#no spoilers but Wilbur ends up in jail multiple times#and Techno is probably gonna be there too (not in jail just in the fic)#Phil is a single dad and he is Trying#foxie your prompt is very interesting! I never really write in that genre so this’ll be a fun change of pace :D#I already have a few ideas for worldbuilding and stuff and WILBUR IS GONNA WEAR A COOL OUTFIT#I’ll probably give him a sick hat because why not#it’s very lord of the rings-esque if I do say so myself#SALINEROSES!!!#I JUST GOT YOUR PROMPT LAST NIGHT#AND USUALLY#I NEED TO THINK ABOUT IDEAS FOR AT LEAST A FEW DAYS BEFORE I ACTUALLY WRITE ANYTHING ABOUT IT#BUT YOUR PROMPT FILLED ME WITH SUCH INSPIRATION THAT I STARTED WRITING RIGHT THEN AND THERE#AND I WROTE OVER ONE THOUSAND WORDS#!!!!#it’s seriously such a fun idea and it’s been so EASY to write and I love it yes yes yes thank you soooo much#and Pinestripe!! :D#your prompt has become my Beloved#I am holding it to my chest like a baby bird#my beloved#all this to say I really really appreciate you guys sending in the prompts!#it’s been such a blast to work on :D#my post#oh and if anyone wants to send in prompts just check the pinned post
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#I woke up with a pit of anxiety in my belly and I was so confused about what had me feeling this way#just like dreading getting up out of bed and going into work#like I didn’t know what I had so much anxiety over#and then I remembered my boss offered for me to go work at a different location in a different city for a week and I didn’t actually give#him an answer yet#I’m a huge homebody like if I have the choice of being at home or anywhere else I am most likely going to choose being home#plus I would be going to a city where I know no one and staying in a hotel alone for a week and driving to this place by myself and I’m just#so unsure about all of that. I think I should do it because it’ll probably be fine but at the same time I’m just incredibly like anxious and#because* of the thought of having to stay alone in a hotel room for a week#staying home alone for a week is bad enough#and when I asked my mom for her advice she didn’t really help me much but I think that’s because I wanted her to give me a yes or a no#and then my best friend was literally exactly 0 percent helpful because I vented all this too her and her response was ‘oof’ like??? you#don’t have anything maybe a little more helpful to at to me?#anyway my boss works today so I might have to give him an answer today#but I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach since he gave me this offer which lol is exactly how I felt when he offered me a promotion like 9#months ago and I worried about it for a week before agreeing to fill the position for a month (which gave me anxiety every day literally the#day he told me he had someone else to fill the position if I was sure I didn’t want to stay in it I felt a wave of relief literally so much#tension left my body immediately upon hearing those words)#anyway though that’s why I was so inactive yesterday bc I was sitting in my house in like an anxious stupor just watching Netflix and trying#to avoid thinking about this because it made my heart pound uncomfortably but also it was all I could think of#but also I was kinda in a weird mood before that yesterday#ALSO the week he told me he wants to go do that I’m like?? bc recently he also told me he needs me to fill in for a week for the girl who#filled the position I stepped back down from and I’m like? so you’re gonna have me go work in a different store then come back the next week#and do a different job that I don’t want to do in our store? all the while I really want to just take a few days off but I haven’t been able#to because there’s no one who can cover for me to take off and I don’t want to leave us shortstaffed and now it’s summer and we finally have#more people he keeps telling me he needs me to do/wants me to do things that make it impossible to take a few days off#but also my family is planning to go on a trip probably in the fall we don’t know where to yet and we have zero plans made but I probably do#need to save up my PTO hours for that instead of just a few random days off but ugh#also more and more lately I’m like I should really just find a new job. but this one gives me good hours like 40 a week and the hours I want#sorry for this rambling rant
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Gone down a research rabbit hole tonight.....
I need to work out how fast a certain character can travel across a continent, and this particular journey is likely to have an impact on how I pace some of the early parts of the story.
Now I'd previously decided that this is possible with a technology equivalent to steam trains. Its not powered in the same way, but its basically a steam train. Without them, its likely to take months to get anywhere - as the next fastest method of transport would be Horse after all.
But in order to work out what timeline these events happen in, i need to know how fast a steam train actually went.
And this leads me to finding out British steam trains could go up to 50mph on the best lines.
So, fine. How long will it take a 50mph train to travel.... uh... London to Beijing!
The driving distance is apparently 6,540.67 miles.
Thats 130.8 hours of travel at the top speed of 50mph.
Or 5.4 days of non stop travel at 50mph.
Now theres going to be stops along the way - potentially adding a few days. It wont travel at that full speed the whole way, which adds Many Hours. I also dont think its a direct route - i think this technology is too new for there to be a direct connection between locations that might be as far apart as 6,000 miles. So theres potentially days of downtime waiting for the next connection.
Also, the very last segment of the travel HAS to be on horseback, because its too rural to have Trains. That bit of the journey needs to be calculated.
But if i want to be generous, the train side of things might be a 2 week journey at best. It also needs to be done in both directions. So, like.... a month of travel?
I could reduce the speed to 30mph! Thats 7.7 days of non stop 30mph travel! So maybe.... 3 weeks? 4? Or 2 months of Trains total?
.... I, uh, kinda wanted this part of things to be more like... 6 months long....... 😬
#its like 1am now so i guess we'll have to work out the Horse speed tomorrow#trains sure is fun to put in a world because trains are cool and everyone should be excited about Good Public Transport#but also they might screw up other parts of my timeline too much.....#or maybe i could just have a long stretch where there Isnt a train yet#maybe the train could just be a tiny segment of it#WHO KNOWS!#no new scenes allowed we have to think about the logistics of Fantasy Trains instead#aka i was trying to flesh out my timeline a bit more and its distressing me that nothing actually has Times lol#cant fill out the plot beats i Have now! ... i need to time the stuff i wrote like a year ago instead!!!
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