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dwarf-hat-enjoyer · 10 months

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🌼Favorite Flowers🌼 (Bachelors' V.)

synopsis: Favorite flowers of all six Stardew bachelors! No farmer mentioned, headcanons. SFW.

w.c.: 1.2k words!

content warnings: None!

A.N.: shoutout to @jellyaris for inspo on the Shane section! Hope everyone enjoys these little snippety snippets...Suuure, some of these headcanons kind of diverge from canon (yeah, yeah. Alex is neutral to dandelions ingame. Sue me, LOL.) But who cares, it's Tumblr! Might make a bachelorettes' version too.

Alex

He's a simple man with simple tastes. DANDELIONS suit him well! He has fond memories of picking dandelions with his mother and blowing the seeds away, and even vaguely remembers how to make flower chains out of them. Of course, he could never get them as neat as hers, but Granny Evelyn still asks for his help when making crowns for the Flower Dance. Apart of him wonders why they have to use nicer-looking flowers for the formal crowns when dandelions work just fine. They're sturdy yet flexible- not nearly as fragile as the more 'beautiful' flowers, and as an athlete, he can admire that about them.

On a deeper level, there are many similarities to be found between Alex and his favorite flower. First impressions can be deceiving- just like most people think of dandelions as pests, Alex can come on a bit strong and even arrogant. But looking beneath the surface, they both share the same physical and mental will to push forward and survive in even the most difficult circumstances. They both go through drastic changes as well. Just as the bright and spiky bloom of a dandelion becomes softer and more delicate, Alex's spirit softens too. His own changes, though, won't float away on the wind anytime soon :P

Elliott

As obvious as it would be to say red roses, SNAPDRAGONS would be his favorites instead! As much as he is a romantic, he's just as much a daydreamer, and snapdragons would provide his imagination with ample opportunity to run wild, both with their fantastical name and lush, delicate appearance. They remind him of adventures in far-off lands, harkening reveries of ancient castles filled with wondrous secrets and the brave heroes set out to uncover them. He's a homebody at heart, but nothing is stopping him from holing up in his cabin and writing about any of it! (Or, well, fantasizing about writing about it, in most cases. <3)

But just as established, he's a romantic. Elliott is definitely well-versed in the language of flowers, and the meaning behind snapdragons in particular hardly eludes him. They symbolize grace, earnestness and strength under pressure, but are also known to represent something less than well-intentioned. Emulating the former qualities is something Elliott has done effortlessly, but in a way, the last one entices him the most. To create something beautiful, strong and mysterious; something that draws one in and sparks love and fear and longing for an endless more- isn't that what every writer wants? What every writer dreams of?

Harvey

A little like Elliott in this regard, Harvey is the sentimental type. FORGET-ME-NOTS hold a special place in his heart. It's a simple flower in appearance with an almost childlike name, but he likes them just the same. Maybe it's because of those traits that he does- they remind him of the carefree days he's missed out on, since moving to the valley. On top of his doctoral duties, he's a very lonely person overall. Forget-Me-Nots, with their hopeful pale blue, almost cheer him up to see on days where he feels less like a member of the community and more like a robot with a stethoscope and scrubs.

It's also their name that connects with him in a way...Forget-Me-Not. On top of the way they look, they cheer him up with that name. On the rare instance that the flower comes up in conversation, he jokes that the person who named it must've had terrible memory, as cheesy as it sounds. But all jokes aside, it's comforting to him that a flower otherwise unremarkable would have a name that insists to the listening ear that it shouldn't be forgotten. Almost inspiring, even. It makes him feel as if one day, he won't be another face-in-the-crowd. Somebody important, though to whom in particular...? Well, time will tell!

Sam

For Sam, it's DAISIES all the way! He constantly flip-flops between spring and summer as his favorite seasons, but daisies give him the best of both worlds. Seeing them dotting the fields in the warmer months always brings a smile to his face. Whether or not he's close with him, Sam definitely got Alex to teach him how to make flower chains one late spring...Of course, Alex may or may not have been mildly jealous of how easily Sam picked up on the skill, but when spending time together outside, Sam's restless hands sometimes find themselves picking daisies from the grass while Abigail and Sebastian chat and bicker and making the both of them bracelets!

When he still lived in the city with his mother, father and a much younger Vincent, he'd sometimes see them poking out of cracks in the sidewalk. While they weren't as common as dandelions, they still always caught his attention. While Jodi chatted aimlessly with her fellow PTA moms outside one of the countless Zuzu City JojaMarts, he'd busy himself, plucking daisies and dandelions from whatever nooks and crannies he could find and playing with them however he wanted. Back then, he didn't think much of it, but he looks at those times with almost a fond nostalgia. Things changed, but that doesn't mean it all has to be sad, right?

Sebastian

He doesn't think about this sort of thing very often, being the lovable terminally-online dork that he is. But if you ask, Sebastian's favorite flower would have to be BLACK TULIPS. It's not a very deep answer, really. Sure, tulips are more of a spring flower, but he finds the pitch purple color to be one of the more interesting colors that plants can have. They stick out among the cheerier colors that most other breeds of tulips display- the goths of their genus, if you will, and that's small part of why he likes them!

He entertained the idea of gardening, at one point, even prior to the farmer's arrival. Though he plans to move out eventually, he thought it would be a good way to get outside and get some exercise, though it wasn't ever really anything he thought to commit to. Though, he does chat with Evelyn on occasion- their shared affinity for tulips and his occasional fantasy of maintaining a small garden has ended up providing a lot more conversation than he's used to, or even expected! Even if most people see him as an asocial shut-in, it's comforting for him to recognize his softer side.

Shane

Look at him. All gruff and mean. His favorite flower is probably a thistle of some sort, or something poisonous. All things considered, his favorite flowers are FAIRY ROSES. Don't give him that look- it's just because Jas likes them so much! Seeing the way she lights up when she sees them is contagious for this gold-hearted curmudgeon. She'd spent two entire weeks planning out a one-woman recital for him and Marnie once, and when he handed her a little JojaMart bouquet of them afterwards...Well, the look on her face made the price tag worth it. Although, her excited squeal did leave his ears ringing for the rest of the evening.

The flowers are native to the valley, too...Sometimes, he feels as if he doesn't belong. Why would he? It's not as if he was born there or has any particularly close friends. If Pelican Town was a garden, he'd just be a weed. But Jas seems to have taken like a duck to water, although she's still shy as ever. Shane can be self-defeating and pessimistic at times, but he's not made of stone. He's grateful that she's in a place where she can flourish, just like the fairy roses she adores so much.

~FIN~

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rexposingtrishapaytas · 1 year

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TRISHA'S SKELETONS IN HER CLOSET - MEGA THREAD

Welcome to the Tumblr dedicated to exposing the narcissistic, domestic abuser, and hate monger that is Trisha Paytas. She has infiltrated different groups of youtube influencers over the years and has managed to FOOL many into thinking she is an ally, a body-positive role model, a mental health advocate, and an all-around good person. SORRY TO INFORM YOU; THAT IS A LIE. Read this thread to get an idea as to why she deserves to be de-platformed.

The Handmade Bracelets Debacle [Trisha Paytas' Endless Greed]

In 2012, Trisha announced she is selling handmade Swarovski bracelets to her followers. (Note: She couldn't even pronounce Swarovski properly!) It was later revealed that she purchased the rhinestone Shamballa bracelets from eBay for $1-5, says she handmade them and in true Trisha greedy fashion, offered the bracelets to her young followers for a hefty $25 (the price jacked up 5 times). Here is a video.

Being Gay IS A Choice [Trisha Paytas' Ignorance of LGBT Community]

In 2014, Trisha uploaded a video spewing homophobic nonsense, claiming bisexuality does not exist (Poor Shane Dawson...), that we're "all a little gay," comparing gay marriage to animal marriage e.g. "marry a horse," and that people choose to be gay, e.g. "your sin of choice." Due to backlash, the video was removed one day later, and ever since, in podcasts, she has claimed it is a "trolling" video to get a coin.

On October 7th, 2019, Trisha Paytas uploads a video titled, I AM TRANSGENDER (FEMALE TO MALE). Due to massive backlash from her audience, the LGBT community, and even popular trans-YouTubers, she eventually removed it from YouTube a month later.

On 27th October 2019, Trisha Paytas - H3 Podcast #152 is uploaded. She conflates being a drag queen with being transgender. When asked to describe what makes her male, she claims she has a "male energy" and it's "how she feels inside." She asserts you "can be a gay man and a lesbian." When Ethan jokes, "Hila and me are lesbians, we're gay for each other," Trisha gasps and says, "You can't do that!" Even though that is technically what she's doing, claiming she is a gay transgender man while looking like a heterosexual woman who has monetized her female sexuality for clicks, views, and profit since 2007. Ethan asked if the trans video was monetized since there were midroll ads on the video, Trisha denied it, saying, "I don't know how to put ads on videos." Ethan got her to download the YouTube Creator Studio app and pointed out that she made 8000 dollars on that I AM TRANSGENDER video.

At 18:49, Ethan says a fan who identifies as trans has some comments to offer; "Trisha mentions no feelings of gender dysphoria, which is the medical condition that identifies someone who is transgender. If she were to go to a gender identity therapist and ask to medically transition, she would most likely be denied because she has no gender dysphoria." Trisha replies, "Well, I wouldn't say I don't have dysphoria, I hate having a vagina, for sure!" Yeah, I'm sure you do, boo.

The "Fuck PETA" Incident [Trisha Paytas' Disregard for Animals]

In 2014, Trisha uploaded a video talking about how much she hates animals and does not care if they are abused or tortured. Here is a video where someone references the modern-day rabbit chair incident and uses highlights from the F**K PETA video to illustrate that Trisha does not care about animals in 2014 and 2021.

Unfortunately, the original F**K PETA video has been entirely scrubbed off the internet. The video was only posted for 6 hours before she removed it due to massive backlash and posted an apology video, where she says the F***K PETA video was "trolling" and that she doesn't stand by it.

Racism and Anti-Semitism

Trisha has a well-documented history of racism from her years on youtube, even once admitting that she is racist. Here is a compilation highlighting some of her racism. In 2015, she released a music video sexualizing Django Unchained, singing "you can whip me every night, just like Django" while cosplaying as a black slave. She also released a song called 'Jungle Fever' where she states she is an 'Interracial Whore'. In January 2013 she uploaded a video called 'Black Men + White Chicks' stating thick white women have deeper vaginas than black women and are better suited to date, black men. She has also said the 'N word' on multiple occasions stating she thinks it's racist that she can't say the word because she is white. She came out as black citing her body type as “a thick black girl and eyelids dark and oily”. She also uploaded a video to complain about a black woman whom she didn't know at a bar calling her 'ghetto, stinky, hairy c*nt'. In a video, she even claims that AIDS is a result of black people having sex with monkeys. She has also used the word 'ghetto' a variety of times including this clip calling her long nails 'ghetto, stating she looks like Laquisha' and one video where she was scared to get out of the car as 'she was in the ghetto and there were 6 scary looking black men'. In another instance, she accused random Hispanic men 'of being gang members that will kill her'. She has voted republican several times stating she's conservative, making videos supporting Donald Trump's presidency and several for Mitt Romney, though she backtracked stating her Trump videos were 'satire'. In one video she justifies the wall as 'Illegal immigrants are stealing jobs from Americans' and states 'they don't pay taxes'. In this clip, A Hispanic man asks for a photo and Trisha drives away in disgust and says 'ew, literally getting hit on by someone who doesn't know English. Trisha has also cosplayed as Indigenous women, Hispanic women, and Black women. In one instance claiming the pimple on her forehead makes her look like an 'Indian person'. She claimed previously she likes to think 'she is Asian, and it is not racist since she likes rice' and proclaimed in a video that 'Asians eat cats and dogs'. In this video titled 'White girls problems' Trisha makes a multitude of racist comments towards all different ethnicities. Trisha's mother also shares the same racist tendencies quoted as saying 'he's so foreign he looks stupid' and complaining foreigners don't tip her. She has stated a few times that she cannot be racist as she was on Celebrity Big Brother UK and they wouldn't have let her on the show if she was.

Trisha has a long history of fetishizing Jewish men. A fellow YouTuber, Mr. Beard, released an informative video that outlines her fetishization and anti-semitic rhetoric. Trisha made a video titled “Jesus and the Jews” [video has been scrubbed]. Chambers of Spoilers is a YouTube channel of a woman and her sister, who are both Jewish. They compiled a very comprehensive video about Trisha's Antisemitism. They also compiled a Google Doc which has links and specific time-stamps of when Trisha said antisemitic statements in 2020.

In 2020, she uploaded a video titled "How to seduce a Hebrew man" which showcases an awful accent and blatant racist stereotypes. She has perpetuated anti-semitic tropes repeatedly stating Jewish men are cheap, you can "pay to be Jewish", and has said every Jewish Stereotype in the book as shown in these compilations. In more than one instance, Trisha has recorded herself doing the Nazi hand gesture, aka the "Heil Hitler" arm motion. She has lied stating she knew nothing about the Holocaust, though she is quoted as reading many books on the subject and uploaded a video titled My Thoughts on Hitler in 2013. In this video, she praises Hitler, while condemning and mocking Jews. On an episode of Frenemies, Trisha states Moses just being Jewish turns her on and admits she and her husband have roleplayed Holocaust extermination shower scenes together. Trisha often claims she's "Jewish by insemination" and association to get out of controversy though she admitted that Moses does not identify as Jewish and she has not converted to Judaism. She has stated converting to Judaism would be turning her back on god so will not be converting which is not surprising as she had a youtube channel dedicated to being catholic called "The Catholic Vlogger". On Tiktok, after many dancing Hanukkah uploads, a Holocaust survivor even called her out for being offensive. Here are 2 links to some of her tweets Link 1, and Link 2 showcasing her antisemitism over the years (which she adamantly denies).

In 2012, Trisha dressed up as a J-pop star character, Popstar Trishii, that mocked the Japanese language, J-pop stars, and the gyaru community.

In 2015, Trisha Paytas has done a music video inspired by Django Unchained, where she does blackface, dresses up as a slave (Brunehilde), and sang, "you could whip me every night, just like Django"

In 2015, Aria Hinton did an article on Superfame.com, about Trisha Paytas being upset she can't use the N-word or anti-gay slurs, saying "You're All Oversensitive"

In 2016, the release of her new album "Daddy Issues," her song, "Jungle Fever" is extremely racist.

The Fetishization of Religious Groups, the LGBT community, and Deceased People

2011 - Gays I Want to Bang

2013 - Mormons I Want to Bang

2013 - Having Sex with Dead People

2020 - H3 Podcast - Trisha Loves Jews ... & it's Weird

2021 - H3 Podcast - Ethan Has Had Enough of Trisha's Jewish Obsession

2021 - Visiting Hare Krishna Temple for the First Time + TEMPLE HAUL!

She claims to have had sex with multiple celebrities, such as Jim Carrey, and Robin Williams when she was a hooker, then she claims she knew him on Frenemies but "doesn't want to talk about it", John Stamos, Bill Clinton, Bradley Whitford, Marilyn Mansion, even claiming she had sex with an entire baseball team.

Romanticising Sexual Assault, Sex with Teachers (SA allegations against Mr. Riney)

2010 - Don't Stand so Close to Me - Dedicated to all my teachers I lusted over

2013 - Avoid Getting Raped!

2013 - Is it rape if she's drunk via @DrPhil

2014 - Is Rape a Turn On

If you haven't seen Mysterious's channel already, she went into great depth about the extent of Trisha's lies and SA allegations against her teachers, more specifically Mr. Riney. Originally, Trisha spoke very highly of her teachers, saying they encouraged her to work hard to graduate, that she has potential and that they believe in her.

Over the years, Trisha began to change the narrative of "my teachers inspired me to finish high school," to, "my teachers SA-ed me," saying the teacher's name on Frenemies episode #17 (Ethan has since pulled this episode down, out of respect for the deceased teacher and his family's privacy.) to encourage her followers to "look it up." The teacher is DECEASED and the story regarding the assault changes multiple times (it's changed from a teacher molesting her because she wears a water-bra, a teacher molesting her while the classroom plays heads down, thumbs up, a teacher molesting/SA-ing her after letting her borrow Cape Fear/Taxi Driver to teachers coming to her house to SA her.)

Here are PART 1 and PART 2 - basically, there is NO criminal charge, investigation, or any news articles. If there was a SA of a student by a teacher in the small country town of Byron, Illinois, it would be ALL OVER THE NEWS. Mr. Riney is a respected teacher and a well-known, There is no evidence that Mr. Riney ever SA-ed a student (if there was, he would not have been allowed to renew his teacher's license) and he passed away in 2011, so all we have is Trisha's word against a deceased man who can't even defend himself against the allegations.

The accumulation of this finally led to Trisha having a full-blown meltdown on Twitter, she refused to clarify the SA situation to clear Mr. Riney's name, exposed private texts with Ethan and Hila, while begging them to "tell their fans to stop attacking her" (Newsflash, Trisha, your FANS are angry and fed up with your behavior!) Here is another video that details the lies uncovered during Frenemies and her meltdown on Twitter.

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Dating a Convicted Pedophile and Defending Him

In 2017, Trisha Paytas dated a convicted pedophile and defended him. Here's a tweet with a video.

His victim was only 3 years old and he admitted he did the crime.

(OP Note: THIS IS SO SAD!! AND DISGUSTING OF TRISHA! Wtf!)

Years later, the convicted pedophile was tried for photographing a 3-year-old boy in the Dodger Stadium bathroom.

Daniel E Carroll - Autistic Man who was bullied by Trisha Paytas' and her Trishy Fishies

Trisha had a fan, Daniel E Carroll who is an autistic man. Here is a video. She would constantly post about how she was afraid for her safety and Daniel would offer her support in DMs on Facebook. They messaged daily and became friends (Trisha even called Daniel a Super Fan) until Trisha suddenly stopped responding. She made videos about how this man was an obsessive stalker who was harassing her, wouldn't leave her alone and claimed she was scared for her safety. Her Trishy Fishie army attacked him, and he made a video, explaining what happened. He was understandably frustrated because Trisha claimed he could come to her house and kill her - he does not even HAVE A CAR to drive from Texas to LA.

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Dissociative Identity Disorder & DissociaDID with Anthony Padilla

After Anthony Padilla did an episode of Meeting People with DID with DissociaDID, Trisha uploaded a video "DID - WATCH ME SWITCH" where she talks about how she feels like she has different personalities and showed herself "switching" on camera (obviously it was acting). Both Anthony and DissociaDID made a response on social media, explaining that DID is a mental illness and to please not mock people's struggles by pretending to have DID. As a result, she sent her Trishy Fishies to attack DissociaDID to the extent that they removed themselves from the platform for their safety (DissociaDID left the platform for different reasons. It’s way too much to get into but they caused a lot of harm to other systems, supported their ex’s p*do drawings, has alters with racial stereotypes, and lied about a lot of things.)

Trisha Paytas used to date Encina Severa, a woman with actual DID. After they broke up and when the DisassociaDID situation happened, she used the knowledge from her relationship with Encina to act out her "switches"

Here's a video about Encina and here's her comment on Trisha's DID video. Post credit to u/

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Jeffree Star / Shane Dawson / Ryland Adams

Trisha was invited to an LA trip by Jeffree Star after recently leaving the hospital, she was still in recovery from her drug problem but agreed to go on the trip. She didn't feel up for partying so Jeffree Star and his posse allegedly made fun of her skin and weight, smacked food out of her hand, and said, "there's a balcony over there, jump off of it."

Trisha left early to go home and makes videos about how Jeffree Star is such a fake, mean person. She tries to tell Shane and Shane is like, "I don't want to believe Jeffree would do that. Come over, we'll have food and you can forget about it." Trisha felt like Shane was being dismissive and thought Shane wasn't seeing that Jeffree Star was a horrible person. At some point, Trisha blocks Jeffree Star. Trisha sees that Jeffree Star is invited as a guest once on Ryland's podcast, Sip The Tea.

What pissed Trisha off was a 5-minute segment on an episode that came out the same week everyone else was talking about Jeffree Star - when it was rumored he was dating Kanye. Ryland asked Jeffree Star for a commentary in form of a voice memo and put the audio in the episode. It wasn't a very long one, only 1 minute long.

She unleashes an attack on Shane, Ryland, and Jeffree, ultimately cutting off Shane and Ryland by unfollowing or blocking them both. She makes multiple videos, calling them out on their behavior and crying about how mean they are for not seeing her side when Trisha had been Shane's friend for 7-8 years. She felt betrayed by Shane and Ryland and felt they just wanted to keep being friends with Jeffree Star because he's rich rather than a long-time friend, like her.

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HairByJay - IG Live / Wig Situation

During the LA trip, Trisha got a few wigs done by HairByJay. She made a video where HairByJay charged her double the amount for the wigs. This lie caused HairByJay to go off on IG live at Trisha, calling her a whale, fat, ugly, and disgusting. He also said he gave her a discount on the wigs. Trisha posted a video of her reacting to the IG live, she cries and is upset, and her Trishy Fishies attack HairByJay and he makes an apology. Mysterious does a video about the entire incident here.

Trisha also accused HairByJay of coming by her house, saying her security guard saw him, however, this story has a shaky foundation. Trisha is known for lying and accusing people of turning up at her property, claiming she's scared for her safety, and that the person is going to harm her. She made the same lies of this nature about Daniel E Carroll, HairByJay, and Gabbie Hanna.

RichLux

During the LA trip, Trisha created a story about how Rich Lux was given her bag by Jeffree Star, which she was "fine with," until she realized her camera and clothes were in it. She accused Rich Lux of stealing her camera. Rich Lux had beef with her for fabricating such a story that didn't happen.

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Gabbie Hanna

Trisha Paytas and Gabbie Hanna have been feuding for years.

In 2019. it was the incident where Trisha confided in Shane about having herpes, Shane then informed Gabbie who felt she had the responsibility as a friend to tell Jason Nash (Trisha's then-boyfriend) about Trisha's herpes, as Trisha had not told him. This caused an explosion of drama and videos, with Trisha accusing Gabbie of lying about her having STD/herpes.

In 2021, one of their last fights was when Trisha went on Gabbie Hanna's podcast for an episode. Gabbie was trying to get Trisha to admit that they had been friends, but Trisha kept denying it and laughing nervously. The podcast finished and Trisha uploaded a video of a voicemail from Gabbie to prove how obsessive Gabbie is. She accused Gabbie Hanna of coming to her house to harm her. Gabbie stated that she doesn't know where Trisha lives.

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Jason Nash, David Dobrik & Vlog Squad

Trisha made an unhinged video about David making a threesome joke about Tana, Jason, and Trisha. In this video, she attacked people in Jason's life from the mum of his kids to his bestie Brandon. A few days later Jason and she made a weird video that was supposed to be her apologizing to those people but ended up in an argument. He was staying in her house at this time for whatever reason. She released a music video that same day or the next.

The following day after that he escaped her house to go "hang with his kids" and as soon as he had some distance he called her to break up. That's when she staged her little suicide gambit. She took a pill mixed with alcohol and acted woozy. Adam, her makeup artist/dancer/BFF at that time (who she later trashed) took her to the hospital.

We know it was an act because on the ride there she texted Jason to tell him that she had tried to kill herself and was on her way to the hospital. Nobody close to death is this manipulative. He was with David at the time and they rushed to the hospital together. When she saw David, she assumed that it was he who had talked Jason into dumping her evil ass earlier that evening, so she started screaming at David. In her hysterics, she said shit like "I wanna die" which the nurses are obligated to report as a danger to herself even if it was just her usual drama. THAT'S HOW SHE WAS 5150'd. This was in February.

During her 48-hour stay in the hospital, he stayed supportive but they didn't get back together. He then proceeded to stay friends for the next three months. He was however openly starting to date and even joined Tinder. She admits she knew because she would "borrow" his devices and snoop. He was weaning her off him so he refused to attend her birthday because that would have allowed her to show him off like they were still a couple. She snapped when he didn't show up to the party and drove to his house. You've got the rest of this correct

... although I'm not sure I buy that she was admitted a second time. That's a detail that she started tacking on much later. Plus she didn't disappear. Remember all this went down the same weekend as Nicocado exposing her, Ethan's whale video, and her fake going cold turkey off opioids. It was quite the week for our Trish, lol.

This video confirms my post including the fact they broke up and she was 5150'd February but her birthday is in early May. Note the video was made in late May and she only mentioned one mental ward stay. Also, note how she outs a famous person who was admitted to the same ward. Evil cow.

TLDR: They broke up, she threatened death and was committed to a mental ward. He stayed friendly but started drawing boundaries. She snapped when he skipped her bday and terrorized him. She's probably lying about being admitted a second time.

Post credit to u/shortstroll

Trisha Paytas has a clear pattern of abusive behavior. Trisha has abused many of her boyfriends in the same ways. For example, Trisha also took her ex Jason’s keys and refused to let him leave for hours (even blocking the door — he was so scared he wanted to call 911 on her), just like she admitted she did to her fiancé Moses when she stole his keys and physically abused him! She admitted on Twitter that she also refused to let yet another ex, Sean, leave her — even physically restraining him against his will. Disturbingly, Trisha’s fiancé Moses indicated in a deleted Tiktok video that in addition to physically abusing him, Trisha has also forced him sexually, as well as threatened to kill herself when he tried to break up with her. These are classic abuser tactics — Trisha Paytas is a textbook liar, narcissist, and serial abuser.

Trisha has spoken several times - including on Frenemies - about the time she drove her car into her ex Jason’s house while high on meth, endangering his and possibly others’ lives, but neglected to mention that it was a premeditated act — she had previously threatened to crash her Lamborghini into Jason’s house, it was filmed in a vlog! Even more disturbing, messages have come out where Trisha’s fiancé Moses allegedly said that Trisha has also threatened to drive into his building while “high and drunk and naked”!!! Trisha Paytas is a very dangerous individual.

Post credit to u/Chelsabelle

Moses Hacmon

In 2020, Trisha Paytas began dating Hila's brother, Moses Hacmon. When Trisha went on the Frenemies podcast, she admitted to physically abusing her fiancé Moses — all the while disgustingly minimizing it, rolling her eyes while talking about it. She admitted that she stole his keys so that he couldn’t leave, that she fought him for twelve hours and left bruises on him. She lied and insisted that it was just an isolated incident when it was anything but — Trisha Paytas has proudly publicized and profited from the abuse of her partners for years.

Post credit to u/Chelsabelle

They have since made up and got engaged in December 2020.

Two of Moses' ex-girlfriends came forward and revealed that Moses stealthed them, stealthing is the act of removing a condom during sex without the partner's acknowledgment or consent. Trisha initially ignored the SA allegations, despite preaching, "believe all SA victims," sent her Trishy Fishies to overwhelm the ex-girlfriends into silence. She insists they are lying, trying to chase clout and that Moses would never do such a thing.

Ethan Klein, Hila Klein & H3 Podcast

In 2019, Ethan Klein uploaded a video called "Instagram vs. Reality" in which he highlights the illusion and unrealistic expectations of one's appearance that IG creators perpetuate to a potentially young following. This resulted in Trisha coming onto the H3 Podcast for two interviews.

In 2020, Ethan and Trisha decided to do a podcast together, called Frenemies. This resulted in an extremely popular podcast that was enjoyed by millions of people, however, it wasn't all great. Trisha has stormed off the podcast three times. Trisha threw Ethan's pill addiction he had in Israel in his face, insulted him and Hila's parenting, shamed them for having a nanny, called Ethan a "cuck," and called Hila a "c*nt." She was jealous that they constantly talked about Hila's pregnancy announcement. She has frequently and shamelessly flirted with Ethan, who was uncomfortable and kept asking her to stop doing that, which she never did.

She also kicked Ethan's dogs, demanded Moses to "get rid of his cats," and went on Keemstar's podcast to talk shit about Ethan, while wearing the Frenemies merch as a "fuck you" to Ethan.

Here is a video that goes into the details before, during, and the aftermath of Frenemies.

The Rabbit Chair Incident

Trisha uploaded a video, called "Our Tim Burton Inspired Beetlejuice Dining Room + Decor," where she showcases her Tim Burton-inspired dining room set, complete with custom-made dining chairs that had rabbit skin attached to the back of the chairs. Due to massive backlash, she removed the section of the vlog where she confirms with Moses that it is real rabbit fur.

BONUS (02/10/2022) - Lil Radio Gamer made a rap song dissing Trisha and Moses about the rabbit chairs!

Going Vegan

After receiving backlash for the rabbit chairs, Trisha announces that she is "I'm officially vegan now," she goes vegan for two weeks and accidentally consumes a tiny bite-sized SNICKERS bar, and uploads "my apology to the vegan community," in which she laments over eating a tiny piece of chocolate, says how intense going vegan is, it's so hard and apologizes to the vegan community, also says, at 8:07 "To all of you non-vegans out there, shame on you for eating meat. You're going to get your karmic hell here on Earth!"

In a recent video, titled "I'm Fat and Ugly" she admitted to having cheese on nachos and baked ziti, but then later in the video admitted to an entire week of binging. This is important because of the timing. She manipulated her audience into thinking that she had been vegan for approximately two weeks and then made that stupid Snickers video. However, the ‘I’m Fat’ video was recorded previously, but yet she waited to put it out. She purposefully misled her audience to gain attention (attention from the vegan community, along with purposefully causing outrage for the nasty remarks she made against those who consume animal products in the Snickers video) and sympathy (failed weight loss).

u/alice-in-slumberland has done a video on Trisha's trolling of the vegan community over the years, please feel free to check it out!

Conclusion

Trisha is a pathological liar who thrives off any kind of publicity and attention, she delights in creating drama out of thin air. She consistently rides the waves of whatever is trending at the time in a desperate bid to remain relevant (e.g. mental illness, mukbangs/eating, dieting/weight loss, political views/political movements, veganism, and being trans/non-binary) to her followers.

Trisha Paytas condemns people who body-shame others, yet delights in bringing attention to Nicovado's recent weight gain to others. She delivers confusing messages to her followers, she bounces between being proud of being fat and then feeling disgusted, she cries about how fat she looks and goes to get liposuction done (e.g. She released the THICK music video on 20th Feb 2017, promoting body positivity while she got a liposuction procedure done immediately afterward (This video puts Week 6 post-op of liposuction meaning this places the liposuction procedure the day the THICK music video was uploaded. She later uploads a video boasting about how "being skinny is so much better" on 11 April 2017. She constantly goes on about how she hate watches many people on YouTube, then dares to chastise her audience for hate watching her.

CREDIT TO— u/Adapt_Evolve_Become

This will be updated as we move forward, and find new information.🩷

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ftmtftm · 9 months

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It does kinda seem that you put a whole possible group of people on blast for one kid's dumbass "joke". This is going to have repercussions that are a bit too harsh for the crime of being young and unfunny, as people are already making posts talking about sending them rape threats, suicide baiting them, and doxing them. Calling attention to this on your big blog probably wasn't the best move, even if you felt the need to distance yourself in a "its not me, its them officer" type move. This doesn't need anymore attention. It should've been handled privately with the user who originally made the joke, but I guess that's tumblr for you. Everything needs to be a circus.

I hope you're deleting any replies that are listing urls in your notes bc if you let that happen on your post, on your blog, and it goes too far, you'll have some perverbial blood on your hands too.

Hey, so first and foremost to address the very end of your ask: I have not seen anyone listing URLs in my replies or reblogs and if anyone has been doing that I would appreciate it being brought to my attention so I can delete it! I've scrubbed through the notes and my activity and cannot find anything, so if something has slipped through the cracks please tell me!

Secondly, and also related to the end of your ask, I really don't appreciate the guilt trippy nature of this ask at all! If you want to have a discussion about platforms and the way people use them, by all means we can have that conversation, but I'd prefer if it was had without the typical Tumblr accusatory guilt trip tonality. I'm addressing this upfront because addressing someone in the way you've addressed me really isn't how a productive conversation is had, but I wanna take the opportunity to try to have one. Let's just talk without trying to make each other feel bad to try to prove a point, okay?

I do agree that I should have put more thought into my post and also I should not have made it while I was on my lunch break at work. I had less control over the response to it than I would've liked and also left people in my DMs waiting on a reply in a way I'm sure was stressful. I'm not used to my posts gaining that much attention that quickly and that is on me for not having thought about that possibly.

I do think that I made it abundantly clear that I don't support the harassment of anyone, ever and that harassment and targeting individuals wasn't the goal of the post once I was able to. I do apologize that it wasn't something I was necessarily thinking about it the moment and that my comments were not soon enough to beat some of Tumblr's worst to the punch.

This is where I'm sure some people will disagree with me, but do I pretty firmly believe in openly, publicly talking about the failures of and issues within my own communities. I don't think there is anything to be gained from trying to shy away from it or trying to be quiet about it, especially when shying away or burying it just tends to lead to entire community collapse in the long run in my experience. That is why I made a post publicly about it in the first place.

I'm going to go more in depth into my reasoning for making a public post here, but if that doesn't interest you that's okay! The previous paragraph sums up my feelings pretty concisely, this next section is just expanding on it.

This is a new~ish blog, but I've been active on and off in Tumblr discourse spaces since I was about 16 so I'm looking at this informed by about a decade of experiences. The thing I've seen that happens most often is once people who aren't used to a giant influx of attention get that attention, especially if it is negative, things tend to get extremely sour extremely quickly. Usually this results in taunting, feeling like you need to get the last word in with a quippy remark, slippery slope-ing, and a lot of assumptions and poor taste comments that come from very real upset and distress. Those responses then get used as more fuel for the fire and it just continues and continues and continues really until someone deletes or abandons their blog. That's absolutely not to discredit the very real distress that is happening, but instead to call attention to this cycle that happens all the time.

I personally partially attribute the nature of this cycle to the fact that no one on the internet (especially on Tumblr) really knows how to healthily disengage because the internet is a culture all about engagement (especially negative engagement), but that's a topic for another post. The reason why I bring up the cycle is because in all of that individuals tend to get mean, defensive, and deflective and say things they might not actually mean or reflect extremely poorly out of context.

That's what has been happening with multiple people I follow the last few days, not just with one or two individuals. When a culture like that begins to take shape I think it's important to openly address the ways in which it is manifesting, especially when it includes a public joke about the oppression of another marginalized group. Like I said earlier, I do think I should have gone about it better in the ways I've already described but what's done is done in that regard. I also would like to address the fact that I explicitly, intentionally did not name individuals because there was already a harassment campaign happening and I did not want to directly contribute to that. Again, I see the failures within that especially given my own personal timing, I just want to give context for anyone reading this ask.

Again, you're more than allowed to disagree with my feelings or my responses/lack of response due to other constraints and you can extrapolate as much ill will and negativity from it all as you'd like. I can't control the thoughts and actions of other people. I do, however, know myself and I know how I feel and while I do believe I should have been more thoughful about my timing and wording I don't have any issue with openly addressing actions I disagree with in communities I'm in. Especially ones like that. That's not really going to change because of an anon slippery slope-ing about proverbial blood on my hands in my askbox.

I also want to add on the end here that I don't particularly like the accusation that I'm a "big blog" when before I made that post I had under 200 followers. Sure, I'm vocal, I've got a decently put together mobile layout, and I speak like I know what I'm talking about, but I'm that doesn't make me a "big blog" - I've just been on Tumblr for a decade and know my way around most of the time (though, as I think this shows, I'm also still human and have my own blind spots like everyone else).

#asks #anon

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bargainbinwizard · 2 years

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Weird Interdimensional Shit

So my thoughtform/entity I’ve made up tried to assert dominance today.

Remember the Witness experiments I’ve been doing? Yeah, I’m talking about him. I’ve been using him for help on writing the backstory on one of the characters in a story I’m planning on writing one day. Witness is an entity/thoughtform created that is supposed to either be a doppelganger of the ‘real’ Witness in the book, a thoughtform version of Witness or the ‘real’ Witness.

Uh, let me explain. I wanted to do funny interdimensional experiments with book characters that takes place in a whole bunch of multiverses connected together directly influencing each other. It’s metaphysical fiction. I didn’t know how to write one of the characters in the book accurately with in universe lore so I’ve invented a minor character and ‘’canonly’’ made him die and reincarnate into this world as a thoughtform or an entity that already existed for the sole purpose of communicating with him so he can tell me about a book character through tarot so I can write better.

*It gets really long so I’m adding this here*

I would light incense and pull out my tarot cards and call out to Witness so he can give me some info on one of his coworkers who canonly used to be a very high ranking angel but was forced to reincarnate as a nonhuman woman without her memories on Earth to serve her punishment for disobeying the alternate universe version of the Jewish/Christian God. I would ask Witness to give me signs about the Mayeliel through tarot and the tumblr dashboard.

Usually he would cooperate and tell me limited amounts of information through pictures and quotes. That’s how I was told that his former coworker used to be and *still is a Seraph dragon. He showed me pics of dragons and gave me a bible quote from the revelations about how the beast spat water (something the coworker was able to do) while also telling me that the coworker is VERY CLOSE to the throne of God

Notable signs from the Witness notepad document:

*Note: I don’t have links for the tumblr posts here. I’m just telling you what I’ve recieved.*

4/9 -In human lenses, what is Mayeliel's role in heaven 3 of pent rev knight of swords sun rev

-Two references of an apocalypse dragon -Apocalyptic dragon Picture with Revelation 12:15 under it. *looking up Revelation 12:15 on google*

Revelation 12:15 — The New International Version (NIV)

‘’Then from his mouth the serpent spewed water like a river, to overtake the woman and sweep her away with the torrent.’’ (Mayeliel could spit water)

5/2 What rank is maye out of the angels? Is she the closest to God or the farthest? Ace of wands King of Cups rev Chariot rev -‘’how would other people describe you' why would i know this’’ (first thing I saw) -angel with shield and sword with bleeding heart -Multiple ''Of the stars'' stuff

(He didn’t know but is guessing her rank so I invented another thoughtform to tell him the answer on the tumblr dashboard)

5/4

-Did someone close to Horaideus (fake inverse deity) tell you about Maye's rank? 2 of swords rev 4 of pent rev 5 of pent -What is mayes rank 9 of swords 6 of pent 3 of cups -What are you? knight of wands rev 9 of pent 10 of swords -Dragon pictures -Woman with a sword and 9 stars surrounding head -Cat with baseball bat is named mae (Short for mayeliel and my character really does own a baseball bat.) -“The Spirit of God is a life that bestows life, root of world-tree and the wind in its boughs. Scrubbing out sin, she rubs oil into wounds. She is glistening life alluring all praise, all-awakening, all-resurrecting.” -’’Some knowledge can only be a song or a symbol. Language fails you and me. Some things are too large.”

-monochrome picture hand trying to make a man come off the ground surrounded in fire -White Stag by Sin Eater -The utter silence of the untranslated stars.” -Dragon burning down a castle -‘’Then came the blood – so ravishing it made him feel like a god.’’ -‘’god knows all of your ugliness,’ my mother says, ‘and loves you despite.’ ‘is that supposed to make me feel loved?’ i reply. ‘i am still ugly. he is still god.’’

End. There’s more but I didn’t feel like copy-pasting everything.

Yes, it may seem like contrived coincidences but some of you literally choose Gods to worship based on the birds you saw in your backyard or just because you saw spiders in your dreams so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway, the thing that made it apparent that Witness intentionally shat on me for making him answer questions was when I’ve asked him

‘’Does Maye take orders from Seraphiel (Chief of the Seraphim in Book of Enoch) or another angel or even Mother Mary/Jesus?’’

Devil 10 of cups rev knight of cups

I didn’t know what it meant and so I’ve looked to the dashboard.

-’’You are the altar cup and with this i do fill my mouth’‘

-’’Do not ignore me or I will shed blood’’

-’’God circled her. Fire. Time. Fire. Choose, said God’’

-Augsburg Book of Miracles, Page 52 (Frightening Comet)

*googling* "In 1300 A.D., a terrible comet appeared in the sky and in this year, on St Andrew’s Day, an earthquake shook the ground so that many buildings collapsed. At this time, Pope Boniface VIII established the first jubilee year."

And this:

End.

It seemed like Witness was dodging the question by giving me other signs instead of flat out telling me whether or not Maye obeys orders from a cheif seraph Seraphiel or if she’s above Seraphiel due to her being the physical manifestation of God’s wrath and purification through death and torment. Think 10 plagues of Egypt kind of purification. After all, she is a holy dragon of the apocalypse but isn’t related to the other one (Satan as the red dragon). Side note, Mayeliel isn’t the dragon’s name anymore and they have no gender after reincarnating but for consistency, I’ve kept their old name and gender.

Anyway, the things that later jumped out at me was some stuff on the dashboard talking about (Some deities and spirits are closed. Don’t work with them) and how ‘’People are not robots who will tend to your need, you need to build relationships with them’’

Combining that with the tarot card pull from earlier(Devil, 10 of cups rev,knight of cups) and the fact that my tumblr dashboard broke and wouldn’t let me scroll much father to gather more images as signs means he did it on purpose. The cards could mean ‘’Being made to answer your questions makes me unhappy.I don’t like being used.’’

Also I’ve asked my other spirits whether Witness really was trying to tell me to leave him alone or I was looking too deep into it. They gave me these cards:

King of Swords reversed, Queen of pentacles reversed and Knight of swords.

Pretty sad that a thoughtform refuses to cooperate and breaks your tumblr dash just to tell you that they have a mind of their own and aren’t required to tell you anything.

🦚: ‘’I’m not your slave. I’m a person with my own thoughts. Just because you give me incense and juice doesn’t mean I have to tell you the answer.’’

So what do you do when your creation starts asserting dominance? First, I made it ‘canon’ that Witness will tell me the answer to that question and then I prayed to the fake deity (Horaideus) that actually created Witness to make him cooperate.

I won’t search for more signs today but Witness will give me the answer later. I’m just going to wait until some time passes.

#witchcraft #witch #witchy #wizard #wizardry #wizardblr #wizard community #Magic #magician #magick #Spirits #spirit #spirit work #thoughtform #servitor #chaos magick #chaos magic

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prismatic-bell · 2 years

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So I have something I want to ask to a group of Tumblr users. This is mostly a rhetorical question; I don't want your knee-jerk response, I want you to sit with this for a few minutes, maybe even hours or days, and think about it.

The group of whom I am speaking are the people who are violently against the word "queer," but claim they are not TERFs.

When I was in high school--we're going back to 2002-2006 here, if you're wondering--the slurs of choice were "gay" and "lesbo." There was, of course, the infamous slang "that's so gay" that was so prevalent there was literally a series of TV spots by GLSEN and the Ad Counsel about it. These aren't even the only ones that aired--they're just the only ones I could find. (and yes, "you're so gay" was a variant.) The phrase became one of the songs that launched Katy Perry to fame, and if you go ahead and click on that link, you're going to see there is nothing kind or positive about how she's using it.

I still remember getting the shit beaten out of me at one point while a group of girls screamed "fucking lesbo" at me. I wasn't out at the time; I wasn't even entirely aware yet that there was anything to be out about. But I was an outcast and it was the worst thing they could think of to call me. I tried, exactly once, to stand up to someone who was using "that's so gay" and the result was me opening my locker one day to find "your so gay", and the words "kill yourself fucking faggot," written inside in very thick Sharpie that the school then made me scrub out.

Now with all of that said, I want to ask: will you start tagging gay and lesbian as "g-slur" and "l-slur" for me? Or does that idea make you uncomfortable?

While you're thinking on that: I was born in 1988. The year I was born, the phrase "queer theory" was coined. Queer Theory is the name of a certain kind of academic study, and it can actually also be a verbed noun--for example, I went to an LGBTQIA convention, and one of the panels (which I attended, and which was awesome) was called "Queering Shakespeare." The idea was to read Shakespeare through a lens in which we did not treat cishet people as a default, and to think about how things like the crossdressing conventions of the day influenced his work. (Are there queer themes in Twelfth Night? You fuckin' bet there are, and if your teachers aren't acknowledging that they're not doing their jobs.) In 1991, the activist group "Queer Nation" was born, and with it, two slogans you should learn if you don't already know them: "we're here, we're queer, get used to it," and "not gay as in happy but queer as in fuck you." These were a huge part of the political movement around LGBTQIA rights in the 1990s.

"Gay" still gets used as a slur. And yeah, I'm sure there are some places where "queer" does, too. But you can see the process of reclamation began a good 15 years before "gay" hit a tidal peak of being a slur.

And yet, and yet...

It's "queer," the one that encompasses the entire community, the one we screamed in defiance of a world that wanted us to be cishet and "normal," that gets slammed into the "THIS IS A SLUR" box, while "gay" is being pushed as the umbrella term for the community (over "queer," which was the term when I was in college, and...also through much of the 1990s).

So I want you to sit with that for a few minutes, and think about it. And I don't want you to come back with "oh, it's okay if you call yourself that, just don't call other people that," because that is always how this question gets derailed. And yes, it is a derailing--it's basically saying we're fucked up but you'll let us be fucked up, aren't you so generous.

Sit with that for a little while.

And then tell me:

Will you start tagging g-slur?

Or does it suddenly feel like you’re being singled out?

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honklore · 3 years

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would you please consider doing maybe a soulmate au where anything you write appears on your soulmate with karl? i just love the idea of maybe doing little doodles all over your skin and it appearing on his and he likes talking about it on stream which is maybe what brought you two together? one of your friends who watches mcyt saw a clip of him talking about a specific flower they remember you drawing and this lead you to maybe writing out a small message for karl during a stream that made him super giddy? sorry if this was very confusing and i totally get it if you don’t wanna write it, thank you for your time! :)

sincerely yours | karl jacobs

(gn reader, soulmate au, chat is supportive, karl’s lil doodles like he shows on his priv but he draws them on his skin instead)

listen to: make you feel my love (cover) by jj heller

karl jacobs my beloved !!!!!

the sweetest romantic when it comes to the soulmate bond

counted down the days until his eighteenth bday when he could finally communicate with you

okay i’m going to switch your request to where karl is the one constantly doodling if that’s okay !!!!

with all my heart i believe karl would doodle every single day!!! never misses a day to the point where jimmy is like. bringing cleansing wipes to mr beast filming like,,,, dude i’m sorry but you can’t have squiggly marks up your neck while we’re filming we are ~professionals~

a total romantic,,,, like. downloads reddit and reads thru r/soulmatestories before he goes to bed,,, scrolls soulmatesuggestions blogs on tumblr

he’s just so in want of that close bond that he does everything he can to get into contact with you

tries to join late bloomer groups before they tell him that 22 years old isn’t late and he’s still extremely young

he’s just v impatient okay !!!!!

once he begins streaming regularly instead of a tattoo check chat asks to see whatever doodle he drew or received that day !!!!

worries a lot bc he hears a lot of rejection stories and he’s scared of being rejected

so sometimes when he’s rlly anxious or insecure he’ll scrub all of the writing off in the shower and wear long sleeves to avoid looking for your scrawl

YOU ARE ONE BUSY BEE

between school/job/life/family/friends and whatever else you do or don’t have going on, you often forget to draw notes for your soulmate

you’ve gathered a LOT of things about him tho

he writes his name w a lil smiley almost every week

(hey it’s me karl :))

writes u a Goodnight Drawing before bed

except for him goodnight is just right before whenever he goes to sleep and for you it’s like. 10pm.

so you’ll wake up to pee at 5am and find a drawing of a worm on your leg (goodnight!!)

writes lil notes about his tales ideas except you have no idea what they mean rip

(inbetween segment longer? talk to ranboo)

doodles his favorite cartoon characters (ayo!!!)

has colored markers for when he’s feeling especially creative

let’s say you have a retail job

and you can’t have drawings anywhere noticeable per company policy

so you spend most mornings scrubbing off any evidence of karl

which like,,,, makes karl extremely sad but he’s a streamer AND his friends are streamers so he forgets some people have like. jobs that require dress codes

even when jimmy makes him scrub off his drawings, it’s only if they’re extra distracting

one day you finally get tired of waking up thirty minutes early every morning (can u pls draw somewhere that’s not noticeable in a uniform? thanks.)

karl draws a lil kermit the frog on his tummy and it shows up on yours. the marks are all jagged bc he kept laughing whenever the pen tickled him

but it’s so endearing that he followed ur instructions

he keeps the drawings to stomach, thighs, and sometimes his feet which he thinks is literally the funniest thing ever to your dismay (nice to feet you !!!! haha !!!!)

you don’t have time to watch streams unfortunately, but your best friend does :))

your bsf is on quacktwt so she knows who karl is

in one of quackity’s jackbox streams they make fun of karl’s drawing skills

and your friend is like ಠ_ಠ that is the same worm that is always on my bestie’s shoulder

and you’ve never told anyone that you know your soulmate’s name

so your friend only has a stupid (endearing) worm drawing for reference

she screenshots it and sends it to you like, lol quackity’s friend karl draws worms that look just like ur soulmate’s drawings

and ur like,,,,,, karl? his name is karl?

and bless ur heart that’s how u find out ur soulmate is a minecraft twitch streamer (derogatory)

you do your best to watch his streams and try to figure him out ,,,, like who he is as a person

and he’s just the biggest sweetie pie :((

you drew a rose for him during your lunch break one day and that night he showed his chat and got so excited

“chat i think they’re romancing me 0.0”

you get so thrilled that you draw him another doodle, this one of a lil heart

and he literally squeals and shoves his wrist against the lens so quickly that it blurs and makes you audibly laugh

you continue to draw him stuff throughout the next few streams

until finally he’s doing a chill alt stream, watching some yt vids

you know when karl is wrapped up in his fuzzy blanket and yawning while he tries to focus on the video :(((((((( yeah ://///

and you get so overwhelmed with fondness that you uncap your marker

(i like you karl)

and he doesn’t see it until he takes his arm out of the blanket to grab his can of monster

chat sees it first so they’re spamming

and when he reads it he gets SO red and he literally has to call the stream bc he’s too flustered to think of anything else

like he’s finally getting somewhere with you and he’s so so excited

when the stream ends he writes on his arm this entire anxious essay basically asking if you guys can find somewhere to meet or if he can at least have your number

and you can fill in the rest, but ofc the two of you become quite literally the dynamic duo.

absolutely adorable

your bestie makes you promise you’ll help her meet quackity since she basically made the discovery but that’s another story for another time

thank you for requesting !!!

#karl jacobs x reader #karl jacobs au #karl jacobs fluff #mcyt x reader #mcyt au #mcyt fluff

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srose-foxfire · 3 years

Text

“First Impressions” Part: 6 (Finale) Damirae Pic

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

A/N: Hello Everyone. We finally made it to the finale of “First Impressions” I wanna thank you all for being with me and following along with this fic. This started out as a one-shot but after writing part 1; I couldn’t just stay there and decided to make it into a longer fic. I hoped you enjoy it thus far. This part in particular is longer than the other parts.

I would also like to take the time and wishing Happy Birthday / Belated Birthday to @ravenfan1242 . I wanna personally say thank you so much for all the support you give to artists and writers, like myself in the Damirae community. You may not know this, but you were my very fist commenter on my very first Damirae fic I had written when I first joined tumblr. Your words cheered me right up and gave me the confidence I needed to continue writing. I hope you enjoy this small gift from me. Thank you.

Without further ado, enjoy the story!

~ Simona R.

-- -- --

Part: 6

Where in his right mind did Damian think this was a good idea? He stood in front of his bathroom mirror and looked at the ‘work of art’ his sisters and Raven had done on him. Layers of foundation, contour, and highlight were plastered all over his face. His eyes were covered in a golden-brown eyeshadow, the girls then added some golden shimmer over it. Cass went ahead and nearly poked his eyes out when she used a liquid eyeliner to create a cat-eye look over his eyes. Stephanie was adding a light peach blush onto Damian’s cheeks. As for Raven who looked like she was actually enjoying torturing him, finished his ‘look’ with a dark purple matte liquid lipstick.

When he saw Cass grabbing her phone, Damian made a run for the door and dashed towards his bedroom. Damian touched his cheek, debating the choices he made that ended him looking like this. He turned on the faucet with warm running water and soaked a hand towel in it. Damian then started scrubbing his face clean; he looked hideous. The make-up wasn’t coming off easily and instead was smudging across his face, why did girls enjoy this, Damian had to wonder. He felt dirty and his face felt thick and tight from all the stuff that was plaster onto his face. Damian turned the water off and threw the hand towel in the sink. Lost in thought. He could had just said no, but he didn’t.

-- -- --

A few minutes earlier Damian had stood outside of Cass’s room when Raven entered to confess, she made up Jasper Sky. One may call him a stalker for leaning against the doorway, but Damian was there for Raven’s sake. He had promised to be there in case the confession had gone bad. Cass’s bedroom became extremely quiet, Damian couldn’t make out words anymore. He concentrated and heard a soft cry. Panicked and worry made him throw the door open to find his sisters hugging Raven, while Raven cried happily in their arms.

His sisters shocked at his outburst both cursed and questioned him what he was doing. Damian shot a quick glance towards Raven who was starting to flush. His sisters didn’t know the promise he had made to Raven. In order to save them both from being interrogated by his sisters, Damian had to come up with a quick plan. The first and only thing that popped in Damian’s mind was “I would like to try that make-over!”

-- -- --

Damian exited his bathroom and tirelessly fell onto his bed. He looked up to the ceiling and watch his ceiling fan just spun. At some point the girls would need to eat, Damian thought. Which would give him a chance to sneak into Cass’s room and take some facial cleansing wipes to clean his face. He should had been more patient and waited for Raven to come out, but the thought of her crying only terrified him greatly. He never wanted to see her cry or be scared, but even he could never stop that. But Damian hope he could be the one to bring Raven comfort, if she allowed him.

Damian’s thoughts were interrupted when someone was heard knocking onto his bedroom door. He turned his head towards the sound and contemplated if he should even open it. If it was one of his older brothers and found him in the state he was in, they would make Damian the laughing stalk of his family till he died. Though Damian rather die if it turned out either his father or Alfred ever saw him in his ridiculous state. How did the heir to Wayne Enterprises come to this? The knocking continued as Damian thought of the last person he would want to see. Cass. Damian knew very well, out of all his siblings, Cass has the largest following in her social media. What if she was trying to take a picture and post it to the whole world?! Worse she was actually coming to get him and drag him back to her room so they could add more cosmetics?

Please no more. What more could they possible add? The door was now being banged and each knocked sounded more frantic than the next. Damian groined into his hands, got up and walked towards his door. “Damn it Cass, enough is enough. I am not going back out there.”

“Actually, it’s me Damian.”Upon hearing her voice, Damian immediately unlocked his door and opened to find Raven holding some facial wipes and a few bottles, which he presumed to be used to remove cosmetics. “I brought some stuff to help clean your face.” She said softly.

Damian lifted a brow and then peek through the doorway before retuning his gaze to her. “It’s just you right? The she-devils aren’t near?”

“She-devils? Your sisters? Damian that’s mean and no they’re busy applying each other a facial mask.”

“Come in.”

Very timidly Raven walked into his room as Damian closed the door behind him. Damian continued to study her as she carefully walked like a frightened doe. What was she so afraid of him? Did she think he be upset with her over the make-over? Then he came to a realization, this was the first time Raven had entered his room. Every time she came over to the manor, the only places he would find her was in Cass’s room, the manor’s library, and the kitchen. Damian had never once invited her to his room.

As Damian continue to think of what he could say to comfort Raven in this most awkward situation, Raven had cleared her throat. “Where would you like to sit?” She asked very shyly.

Damian looked around his room and wished his desk had two chairs instead of one. He walked past her and sat down on the thick carpet, reclining against his bed. Raven followed him and bended down to her knees, she carefully placed the box of facial wipes in front of her and laid a few bottles next to them. She pulled out a wipe and carefully started rubbing his left cheek.

At first Damian tried keeping his gaze towards the carpet floor and count each thread. But his will betray him, he would catch himself side-glancing towards Raven as she carefully continues to clean his face. Afraid he would be caught; Damian closed his eyes and focused on how soft she was being with him. It felt like a massage and the tense knots he had in his face loosened under her touch. Damian leaned his head back against his bed and let out a deep sigh.

“So, my sisters forgave you, correct?”

“They did. Is as you said, they don’t hold grudges though they wanted a complete explanation on why I had to come up with Jasper Sky.”

“Like what?”

“Well I told them something specifically, and with that they backed down.” Raven carefully rubbed his brows clean. The room then became quiet and the only sound heard was the rubbing on his skin.

“I’m sorry.” Raven said in the most-lowest voice possible. “You’re like this because of me and… sigh… I’m sorry.”

Raven pulled away as she threw some used wipes into one pile. Damian looked at her and noticed how some of her lashes had grouped together due to her crying earlier. Remembering how thathad made him feel. Damian looked down at her hands and without even noticing with himself wrapped his hand around hers making Raven look up into his eyes.

“Don’t be.” Damian said as he pulled Raven’s hand closer to his chest. “You have nothing to apologize for, I put myself in this situation and… I would do it again to make sure you’re alright.”

Raven looked shocked at his words. She was right to be. Though now that he revealed this to her, Damian need to tell her more and come clean of his own feelings. He took a deep breath and allowed his heart to speak, “Raven, I have fallen in love with you. My heart beats every-time I am with you, my day lights up at the mention of your name. You are the most unique and most beautiful girl I have ever met. You view the world with a sense of wonder and I would like to see it through your eyes. I-”

Damian stopped when he saw Raven’s eyes watered. What had he done? This was too much and too soon for her. He sighed, “just forget I said anything-”

Raven slammed her lips onto his, she cupped his face between her palms. She was actually squishing his face, but Damian didn’t feel any pain or didn’t knowhow to react since his brain decided not to function anymore. The poor boy was left in shock, Raven then released his face and slowly pulled away. Hiding her palms between her thighs. Her face was ridiculous flushed, but she was so beautiful, and Damian couldn’t help but stare. “I fallen in love with you too, Damian. I…I love you.”

Damian gave her a warm smile, he touched her cheek and pulled her onto his lap. Once she was settled, Raven wrapped one arm around his neck while the other stroke his check. The two youth continue to smile before both of them leaned into each other for another kiss. This kiss was slow almost as if though this kiss alone they could tell each other their true feelings and leaving themselves open to one another. They pulled and just looked at each other for what felt like an eternity.

Raven giggled in his arms as she wrapped both arms around his neck, “I actually had a crush on you since before we met.” Damian raised a brow at her as he waited for her to continue, “Your family would tell me stories about you and well I couldn’t wait to me the Damian Wayne.”

“Well lucky for me, I just hope I didn’t raise any concerns after my first impression.”

“Actually, after calming down the whole incident made you look hot. I found out just how much your father’s books meant to you and the lengths you would go to protect the people you loved. Only made the crush I had on you grow.”

Damian only smiled at her and gave her a quick peck on her temple, Raven sighed and rested her head against his chest. “Is there a way for you to sneak away from my sisters tomorrow? I would like to take you out on an official date.”

“I will let them know I won’t be available for a few hours but I’m sure they will be okay with it… they did give me their blessing to date you.”

Before Damian had a chance to ask her what she meant by that, his bedroom door was blasted open, with all his siblings coming through popping confetti poppers and Cass holding up her phone snapping a picture of them, “Damn right you have our blessing Rae, whoo welcome to the family, sister!”

#damirae #damiraefic #Damian Wayne #raven roth #raven and damian #dc damian #dc raven #first impressions #DC Universe #dc fanfic

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ms-demeanor · 4 years

Note

/r/unpopularopinion/comments/e2gfsv/men_dont_conceal_their_depression_because_they/ Thoughts?

Look.

Depression brain lies to people. Depression brain tells you that nobody cares about your problems and they don’t want to help and you’re just a burden if you say anything.

Turns out it does that regardless of gender.

I could probably point you to a dozen posts without even stretching that talk about people losing male friends to depression and being devastated because they didn’t even know their friend was hurting and would have done whatever they could to help.

The negativity in that reddit post is a lie.

There’s a post I saw on here today that was talking about male vulnerability that broke down to “you don’t want to be vulnerable in a real, ugly way, you just want men to share emotionally appropriate secrets” and that’s bullshit. It’s a lie. It’s a lie in two ways.

First off people as a whole aren’t really comfortable with *anybody* shedding messy feelings. Weeping at your desk at work makes people uncomfortable with you, period, end. People don’t find that attractive or compelling or nobly vulnerable, they just get screamingly uncomfortable and avoid you. Paula from Accounting and Matt from Engineering aren’t paid to deal with your shit and if they can’t handle it that’s not their fault. Sharing your feelings and being vulnerable isn’t the same as feelings-bombing your unsuspecting co-workers or the PTA.

And secondly just because someone is uncomfortable or unequipped doesn’t mean they don’t care. Paula from Accounting is probably really, really worried if she sees you crying at your desk but that doesn’t mean she has the kind of relationship with you where she can actually talk to you about it.

*Trigger warnings, self harm*

I used to cut myself. Big surprise, right? I mostly did it privately but one time I was so achingly fucked-up and in need of any kind of help that I used an eraser and scrubbed away at the skin of my hand until I was bleeding all over Mr. Constantine’s World History class.

And I sat there in history class, cutting myself, completely convinced that nobody saw me, that I was invisible, that if they did see me they didn’t care because nobody said anything.

Now, spoilers, fifteen-year-olds are selfish and emotionally immature. It was completely unfair of me to put that kind of burden on the kids around me and I do regret it.

But an interesting thing happened.

A few years after high school I was sitting in the parking lot of a local Albertson’s chainsmoking and reading at 3am because I am a healthy and normal person. And as I sat there I recognized some voices - it was three boys who had been in high school with me all grown up!

One of them, Michael, had always been kind of friendly with me in a standoffish “I’m an honors student and you’re an honors student but you’re really fucking weird so I’ll nod to you in the hallways and won’t shit-talk you if we have an assignment together but we’ll never eat lunch together or anything” kind of way. And Michael came over to talk to me!

It’s been kind of a theme with people from high school that when they talk to me they either end up saying “Oh, I thought you’d be dead by know” or “you married a guy? are you fucking with me?” at some point in our conversation so I was kind of expecting it. I wasn’t expecting Michael Salutatorian-I-Just-Finished-Med-School to give me a hug and start crying when he said he thought I’d be dead by now.

Because, see, Michael sat next to me in Mr. Constantine’s World History class. And he told me he’d seen me cutting myself in class and he’d been so worried about me that he made more of an effort to be nice to me at school but he had no idea what to do about it. He had no idea if he should tell someone or say something to me.

I still feel bad about putting that on Michael and the other kids in our class (though I was ten pounds of crazy in a five pound sack so I can at least recognize that I didn’t intend to hurt anyone and with updated information wouldn’t do the same thing) but in hindsight I’m really glad that things happened the way they happened because it actually really means a lot to me that people could see that I was hurting and just didn’t know how to help.

Now that I am a much more emotionally mature adult with seventeen years of therapy under my belt and I can recognize suicidal ideation as the lying depression brain bullshit that it is I’ve also gotten to be much, much better at asking appropriate people for help.

That reddit comment mentions that women have networks to support their depression and those don’t just come from nothing, they are built. You have to build them. And I’m lucky enough that I know plenty of guys who have built similar networks so I’m really happy to tell you that you can do it too, buddy. And even if you don’t have one ready-made I know there are whole internet communities dedicated to helping out people in tough situations. I know literally dozens of people personally who have been able to ask for help from friends they made on tumblr or twitter or through video games or fucking CalGuns.

Also the solution to feeling like you’re unsupported isn’t to say “well, I guess nobody cares, better just hold onto this feeling until it kills me” it’s to keep asking for support. And yeah, maybe that support *only* comes from a paid therapist at first but a really, really big component of a lot of therapy is working on interpersonal relationships so that you can have a healthy support network.

Anyway.

I do recognize that it is not, currently, easy for men to reach out for help with mental illness. I recognize that there are social barriers for men that frequently do not exist for women.

However.

Looking at the way things are now versus the way things were ten years ago I really feel like that’s changing. I believe that our society now is more knowledgeable about mental illness and how destructive social isolation can be and how to help than we were ten years ago.

And if there is absolutely no one else you can ask for help at the very, very least you can get started with this gigantic list of crisis hotlines.

So.

Yeah. The world sucks and it’s hard to get help. But the first step is to ask. I’m so, so, so pleased with the fact that we’re educating people about building healthy support networks and giving them the terminology to discuss their problems and opening up about the issues that we have so that other people know they aren’t alone in their feelings or pain, but if none of that is enough, if none of that helps you, you still have to ask for help. And you might not get it right away, but you aren’t going to get help at all if you don’t ask.

Also in case you didn’t know it Movember is funding mental health research and resources for men in addition to prostate cancer research; one of their supported group is Heads Up Guys, which has some helpful information for men dealing with depression and good resources for supporting you depressed friends.

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caffeinatedbraincell · 3 years

Text

Hi everybody! Here's another short episode of fluff from my procrastinating brain. Enjoy :)

This fic is inspired by this Tumblr post by @fangirlshrewt97:

Read on AO3

Nile sipped her iced caramel coffee, watching apprehensively as the argument that had started in the car snowballed quickly in the corner of the Krispy Kreme.

“It’s okay. Nothing beats the original glazed, anyway.”

“Shut up, Booker. What kind of donut place doesn’t have peanut butter donuts?”

“Andy, contrary to whatever the hell your sources are, peanut butter donuts aren’t a thing-”

“Yes, they are! I’ve had them before!”

“When, in 1920? That entire decade was full of bad ideas that have since been discontinued!”

Nile was about to step in and see if the situation could be salvaged without causing a right scene when her cell phone rang. The caller ID showed Joe’s name.

“Hello?” she said, moving away a little as the donut disagreement continued loudly.

“Nile, I need you to come pick me up right now,” Joe said tersely over the phone.

Nile was immediately on alert. Was everything alright? Had the safe house been attacked?

“Why?” she asked.

“Nicky is passive-aggressively doing the dishes he asked me to do six hours ago.”

It took a second for his words to register. Nile managed not to laugh out loud, but it was a near thing. Unfortunately, Joe seemed to sense her amusement.

“This house isn’t safe anymore!” he insisted. “Come and get me!”

“Joe- no. Nope. You guys have been married for 900 years! Figure it out.”

“No,” Joe hissed. “No ‘figure it out.’ Come and help me. You’re being an annoying baby sister.”

“Baby sisters are supposed to be annoying. Seriously dude, just talk to him. Apologize or something. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Joe exclaimed sarcastically. “He could whip out his longsword and murder me in cold blood, ever thought about that?”

Nile rolled her eyes. “Look, just… kiss him. Really well. So he forgets about the dishes you didn’t do.”

“That’s not how relationships work!”

“Yes, it is! With you two it is! Now hang up, I need to go prevent Andy and Booker getting banned from this Krispy Kreme, too.”

“Traitor,” Joe grumbled, before cutting the call.

Nile sighed. She looked over at the corner where Booker and Andy were standing out of earshot. Booker was gesticulating wildly, while Andy stood with her arms crossed over her chest, looking unconvinced.

It appeared none of the staff had noticed them, yet. And they clearly weren’t close to reaching any sort of consensus regarding donut purchasing. Nile rubbed her forehead in resignation.

Fine, she thought. I’ll go pick up Joe real fast. No one will even notice I’m gone. She tucked her phone back into her pocket and slipped out the door.

Back at the safe house, Joe frowned at his phone. Maybe Nile was right. Sure, Nicky had ignored him as he’d loitered by the entrance of the kitchen, instead focusing way more intently than necessary on scrubbing dried cheese from the bottom of last night’s empty pasta bake tray (in Joe’s defense, the tray had needed to soak more). But standing around trying to make eye contact wasn’t good communication, and it certainly wasn’t an apology.

Abruptly, the kitchen tap shut off. Joe winced. It sounded like the dishes were done. He took a deep breath, steeling himself to go back into the kitchen and face his husband. Regardless of what he’d told Nile, Joe knew he wouldn’t be subject to anything worse than a few more hours of judgmental silence, if even that. His Nicky was quick to forgive.

But when Joe re-entered the kitchen, Nicky had his back turned and was dicing something on a cutting board out of Joe’s sight. Joe sighed. If Nicky had moved straight from doing the dishes to preparing dinner, he clearly did not want to talk to Joe. Joe dawdled in the doorway, considering making a run for it and hiding under their bed covers until Nicky cooled off.

Suddenly, Nicky cursed under his breath. Joe snapped his gaze up, alert. A drop of red splashed to the pristine white-tile floor, followed by another, and another. Oh, Joe thought, feeling his heart rate start to relax. He must have accidentally nicked himself with the knife.

But the drops kept falling, and Joe felt something unpleasant stir in the pit of his stomach. The blood thudding in his ears started to get louder again.

“Cazzo,” Nicky repeated with feeling, reaching for a scrap of paper towel on the counter. The drops kept falling.

A cold sense of dread started to lace through Joe’s entire body. How long does a cut take to heal? he asked himself. The drops kept falling. How long how long how long…

The drops kept falling. A violent wave of vertigo washed over him, and Joe stumbled forward with a strangled cry.

At the sound of his voice, Nicky whirled around, eyes widening as he caught sight of Joe. “Hayati, what-”

Joe swiped a clean knife off the drying rack and sliced it across his palm. Nicky lunged forward, snatching the knife out of his hands and tossing it aside.

“Joe, what the fuck do you thing you’re doing?!”

Joe barely heard him over the high-pitched ringing in his ears. Nicky’s voice sounded like it was coming from very far away. Instead, Joe could only watch in despair as the skin on his hand stitched itself back together. His vision blurred with tears. The words echoed hauntingly in his mind: How long? How long did they have together? How long did Nicky have left? How long would Joe be forced to live without-

“Joe! Look at me!” Nicky grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and shook him, jerking him out of his spiraling thoughts. Dazed, Joe raised his tear-stained face in compliance. “Madre de dio…” Nicky whispered, raising a hand to cup Joe’s cheek. “Love, we need to get you inside. You’re trembling. Your skin is burning hot.”

Joe let himself be half-carried to their bedroom. Nicky propped him up against a pillow and moved to leave the room. Joe panicked.

“No,” he protested weakly, clutching Nicky’s wrist. “Don’t go.”

“I’ll only be a moment, hayati. Let me get you some water.”

“No, please, Nicolò…”

Nicky relented, sitting down on the mattress in front of Joe and studying the visceral fear in his eyes. “My god. You’re not okay.”

“Were you even going to tell me?” Joe choked out.

“Tell you what?”

Joe squeezed his eyes shut. “Stop it. Don’t be cruel, amato, don’t make me say it.”

Nicky furrowed his brow in genuine confusion. “Joe? Wha- what are you talking about? What’s wrong?” He took both of Joe’s hands in his and squeezed. “Talk to me, my love. Help me understand. What happened to you?”

“Not me,” Joe croaked. “You. Your hand. It’s not heal- it’s-” He splayed out Nicky’s palm between his own, scraping up every ounce of courage he had to look at it. He froze. “Wait.” He turned the hand over, running his fingers over the unmarred skin. “You accidentally cut yourself. While chopping. Where is the blood?”

“Joe, now you’re scaring me. I didn’t cut myself. What made you think that?”

“You cussed. And then I saw- I saw blood. Dripping onto the floor. There was so much blood, Nicky, and you kept bleeding…”

Several emotions crossed Nicky’s face in quick succession: pain, fear, confusion, worry, and finally, understanding. And then, profound relief. He huffed out a dry laugh.

“Yusuf, my beloved fucking idiot, did you by any chance happen to see what I was chopping?”

Joe raised his eyes to Nicky’s, bewildered. Slowly, he shook his head.

“Beetroot, Joe. An overripe beetroot. I was only alarmed because it was dripping everywhere and staining the nice marble cutting board on our counter.”

There was a suspended pause.

“Beetroot,” Joe mumbled, blinking languidly. “You’re not hurt? You’re not- you know, you’re not…”

“Mortal? No,” Nicky smiled, reaching out to rub his thumbs softly beneath Joe’s eyes. “Do you want me to prove it to you?”

Joe shook his head immediately, surging forward to press a frantic kiss to Nicky’s lips. Before Nicky could even respond, Joe pulled away, burying his face in Nicky’s shoulder and sobbing quietly with relief.

“Hayati,” Nicky breathed, bringing his arms up around Joe and pulling him closer. “Shhh. Joe, baby, it’s okay. We’re okay. I promise.” He turned his head to press a long kiss to Joe’s curls, rubbing a hand firmly up and down Joe’s back. “I have you, my all. I’m not letting go.”

Wrapped in the warmth of Nicky’s arms, Joe gradually managed to stop shaking. He mumbled something incoherent into Nicky’s shoulder.

“What was that?” Nicky asked, pulling back slightly.

Joe stared at the bedsheet. “I said I’m sorry for not doing the dishes when you asked.”

“Joe-”

“It feels like it would have been my fault. If- if something had happened to you.”

“Never, my love. You know better. Do not go down that path. I forbid it.”

“But-”

“Enough, Yusuf.” Nicky gently pushed Joe’s shoulders down onto the pillow, moving to sit next to him, back against the headboard. Instinctively, Joe transferred his head to Nicky’s lap. Nicky hummed in contentment, burying a hand in Joe’s hair and stroking softly. “You’ve worn yourself out worrying, haven’t you.”

“Hmph,” Joe grumbled into Nicky’s thigh. “And for no good reason, apparently.”

“There is never a good enough reason to see such devastation in your eyes as I witnessed today.”

“Don’t leave me behind, then.”

Nicky inhaled sharply, stilling his hand in Joe’s hair. For the millionth time, he wished in vain that he could promise Joe this. He leaned down to brush a sweet kiss to Joe’s forehead, hovering there with his eyes closed, willing his husband to forgive his helplessness.

“I love you,” Joe mumbled, already half asleep. “It’s okay.”

Nicky sighed, resuming the soothing motion of his hand in Joe’s curls. “Rest, my heart. I love you, too.”

Fifteen minutes later, Nile poked her head through the front door of the safehouse, looking around furtively.

“Joe?” she whispered. Receiving no response, she tiptoed further into the house. Nicky was standing at the stove, his back turned to her as he stirred something that smelled truly amazing.

Nile ducked beneath the counter to avoid being spotted. The least Joe could’ve done was be waiting for her outside. Then again, she hadn’t told him she was coming, so maybe this wasn’t entirely his fault.

“May I ask why you’re sneaking around, Nile?” Nicky asked, never taking his eyes off the stove. “It’s as much your house as mine, you know.”

Nile groaned in exasperation, standing up straight. “I’m not sneaking. I'm looking for Joe.”

“In there,” Nicky pointed a wooden spoon towards their bedroom. “He’s sleeping, but you can wake him up if it’s urgent.”

“Sleeping?” Nile asked in surprise.

“Yeah, taking a nap. Why?”

“Uh, you’re not…mad at him?”

It was Nicky’s turn to look surprised. “I don’t think so? Should I be? What did he do?”

“No! Uh, nothing. Nothing. I’ll just go…pick up Andy and Booker from the donut shop, then.”

“You left them at Krispy Kreme?”

“Yeah. They were taking forever to decide.”

Nicky chuckled. “Fair enough. Can you taste this for salt?” He held out a spoon of the divine-smelling stew.

“Oh, absolutely,” Nile grinned. Maybe this wouldn’t be a wasted trip, after all.

#the old guard #joe x nicky #kaysanova #found family #fluff #kavi writes #fanfiction #TOG fanfic #it gets a little angsty for a hot second but ends soft #for once I set out to write something short #and it stayed relatively short 😇#anyways yes #this is how I'm coping with *gestures at everything*#enjoy #(feedback welcome! <3)

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nurseofren · 4 years

Text

Keeping Your Promise - Chapter 24

Read on AO3

Read chapter twenty-three

Title: Prove it

Words: 6800

Warnings: Talks of pregnancy, mentions of vomit

Summary: A friend. A foe?

ST Rambles: I look pretty good for a dead bitch.

Okay. In all seriousness. In the five weeks that I have not updated, it has been chaos. School is absolutely kicking my ass this semester and I am not afraid to say it. Maternal-Newborn is a hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. With this said, I know any further updates will be sporadic, BUT - and I say this to snuff out any doubt on the matter - I will never, EVER, abandon this story. However it ends, rest assured that it will, in fact, do just that.

I thank you all for your patience and encouragement. This story is something I care deeply about and it just floors me that others do as well. I love interacting with you all, either on here or tumblr or TikTok (if you've made one and I haven't seen it, please tag me! My fyp does not work in my favor lol).

Be kind. Don't forget to be a person. All you can do is try your best.

[MASTERLIST] | BANNER/@elmidol

Good afternoon,

I can only hope this correspondence finds you safe and well.

The Board of Physicians sympathizes during this time of displacement and potential grieving. There are countless variables to be considered during uncertain times like these, but those of your safety and well-being are of the utmost importance. In an effort to convey the depth of our understanding, a unanimous vote has approved the decision to extend the dates of the trial by seven days. Upon receiving this official communication, you should plan to arrive on Canto Bight a minimum of two days prior to the morning of the initial hearing. An updated outline has been attached at the end of this e-mail for reference and sent to all pertinent parties.

Per the initial correspondence, Commander Ren is to receive a new provider prior to the trial’s start date. This objective has been met with the solemn barrier of the diminished population of approved nurses and physicians which resulted from the recent tragedy of Starkiller Base. There have been additional unforeseen circumstances also working to lengthen and altogether halt this approval process. Rest assured that we are doing everything in our power to ensure the trial proceedings occur in an organized and professional manner.

The emergent provider shortage, along with the unknown – and likely diminished – amount of surveillance retained from Starkiller Base prior to its destruction, has laid the foundation for the discussion of potential and probable employment during your time on Canto Bight. The discussions surrounding this issue are in their infancies. Should it be that you are to assume a care position during your trial, you will receive a further updated and in-depth itinerary. This would include the dates, times, and location you would be expected to work; this information would be accompanied by any specific limitations regarding your scope of practice while on trial.

Though you are encouraged to reach out to discuss any questions or concerns you may have pertaining to these new developments, the current agenda is to be followed with strict compliance. Should there be any changes, as stated previously, I will communicate these to you in a timely and conscious manner.

Respectfully,

Karmen Zag, Esq.,

Head of Communications,

The Board of Physicians

“Yeah, well, you can go fuck yourself Karmen Zag. Stupid ass name anyway.”

Not that anyone could hear you, nor that anyone would care, you could not help the petty jab. Karmen Zag, the faceless mouthpiece of the institution actively seeking your death, had little to do with anything. Karmen Zag was not the one who had carved initials into your body; that person was elusive to you now. Karmen Zag was not the one who kept you from sleep; that person was dead, killed by the trembling hands of the very survivor they’d created. Karmen Zag was not the one you were currently hiding from; that person, achingly kind and too ignorant to know different, still came to pick you up from shift every night.

Cramped in the corner of a supply room, you sat with your knees tucked to your chest and your datapad resting on your thighs, eyeing the vent at the bottom of the door to spy Mason’s tapping foot. In the seven days since waking up in the medbay, six days since returning to work to help with the increased patient population – or, at least that’s what you were telling yourself – you had found yourself with a desperate need to distance yourself from Mason. He was unaware of all that was haunting you, nescient to the fact he was at the epicenter of the majority of it. To see him was to remember the choice you’d made, to hate yourself for regretting it, to be morally ripped in half by the unwavering war in the back of your mind.

The first three days he would always sneak up on you, flurries of white lies leaving while you fumbled away from him and into the nearest room. I’m on call tonight was your favorite. No, you weren’t, though you had been staying in the on-call rooms to hide the fact that you no longer held a residence on this ship. No matter if you had not received official word on your employment status, you felt an unease when thinking of returning to Kylo Ren’s quarters. It felt too broken, like you’d be a stranger somewhere you’d once considered a home.

Eventually, Mason being an inherent creature of habit, you’d picked up on his timing. On the fourth day you’d decided to stake him out, finding he would spend exactly ten minutes waiting, send a message to your commlink, spend another five toying with his own as he waited for a response, eventually asking whoever was nearest to tell you to call him. You never did. It was despicable, watching his hope falter as the days passed and you were never there to leave with him; wretched, but that did not make it any less necessary.

So long as you were away from Mason, you couldn’t hurt him. If you could create a rift between the two of you so great as to discourage any further interaction, you could save him from all the suffering that came along with being associated with you. On the other hand, you couldn’t deny the comfort you felt in deferring any conversation with him. Avoidance may not be a healthy coping mechanism, but all the ones you’d learned of in school were useless to your set of circumstances; there was no talking this through, no way to speak of Snoke or Kylo or Robbie without getting someone else hurt. You were trapped in your own, sole company; whoever you had become recently, you were barely tolerant of them, let alone fond. It was growing increasingly difficult to recognize your own reflection. At some point you figured you might stop looking altogether.

Zag’s update had been present in your inbox ever since returning to work; with each read through – which, now, you’d have read a hundred times – you felt time pass by. Each night you spent time tucked away here, the cold tile permeating the scrub pants you now wore; the uniform you’d had on when you arrived back on the Finalizer had been too tattered to reuse. Not that you wanted to wear it; in those tattered, bloodied threads lay the obvious truth of how entirely you had failed at the only assignment you had ever been trusted with.

Trusted. The thought made you shiver. Yes. Trusted. Past tense. In every sense it could be. Thus, folded into yourself, away from prying eyes or well-meaning friends, you scrolled aimlessly up and down the message. Though its existence annoyed you, knowing full well that there was no empathy or genuine concern behind the decision to delay the trial, it also brought you ease to know this portion of your life was almost over. Again you were embracing the possibility of your death, only this time rooted in hatred for yourself, not Kylo Ren.

“Alright, well, can you tell her-,”

“Tell her to call you. Got it. Do every night.” One of your coworkers had grown exasperated with Mason – or was it with you? Either way, peeking through the vent slats, you spied Mason’s legs drag out of view. It made your heart fall, feeling more disgusted with yourself each day; it was this confusing combination of feeling a pull to run after him, to apologize to him with every breath you had left, only for that initial urgency to be swallowed by the knowledge that the action would be futile.

With tired eyes, not having gotten more than two hours of unbroken sleep since the sixteen you’d woken from, you looked to your left wrist. It was a routine gesture, pointless in the fact you had not worn the watch since finding it on your bedside table. Much like your uniform, only agonizingly amplified, the sight of the gadget inspired a hollowness in your chest. It remained in a pillowcase, hidden atop the bed you’d claimed. Each night you toyed with it, thumbed at the lifeless screen and wondered if it would ever offer another flicker; each night you caught the hazy reflection of two unfamiliar eyes, finding only the remnants of shattered promises staring back at you.

A sigh crept into your lungs when you stood, arms stretching and hands smoothing back your hair before going to activate the door. It hissed open without your indication; before you could question how, two hands pushed you out of the way and sent you flying face first into the storage shelves. Nose first, actually; the collision rang through your ears, pain throbbing in prominence as you stumbled for stability, arms widespread and eyes pinched shut.

“Oh! You have to be kidding!” Copper crept down your upper lip, cascading over your sharp tongue, foggy eyes opening to blood-stained fingers. “Watch where you’re going, jeez!”

Away from you sounded the door as it shut, but that wasn’t the sound that alarmed you. Across the room, near the sink – at least you hoped it was near the sink – came the horrendous retching that could only indicate vomit. The longer you listened, though, all the while blindly searching for a package of gauze, you found it wasn’t vomit, but an attempt towards it; echoes of dry heaves wracked the room, vomit absent even as the stranger continued in their effort toward expulsion.

A spill of winces left you, a grimace following suit when you tipped your head back, blood draining down your throat. You found a box of gauze squares and tore it open, peeling away a layer and rolling it into a cone before pushing it into one nostril. Vessels pounded against the material, injury soaking into it as you caught your breath.

“I’m so sorry,” a familiar voice said, groggy and breathless. “The refresher was occupied, and the occupancy indicator wasn’t on.” She took another breath, gasping back spit. “I figured the sink in here would do.”

Another person you’d been avoiding. Talia. Sick. As she would be, of course. It was something you’d fought thoughts on; it was too confusing, too unnerving to put the pieces you’d been offered together. Hux had left her room, had been so distraught. Talia had seized and ended up in the medbay. Armitage. Stars, how that word haunted you in the way it left her paling lips. She’d been so disoriented, so scared. Glassy eyes and green pallor. And the person she’d asked for was Armitage.

With these thoughts, dizzying as they had become, came the image of the very thing that tied them all together: that square-cut, printed, glossy ultrasound picture. Between nightmares of Robbie and desperately trying to find any amount of sleep, you saw it clear in your head, remembered how you’d lost your ability to stand when you first considered the reality of it. It all made sense clinically; the symptoms, the tangible evidence showing a yolk sac, the patient identifiers framing the monochrome image.

But, when you remembered running into Hux, remembered the ghost in his eyes and felt the rather unsettling demeanor – one not marked with errant hatred – he’d met you with, it all started to blur. Jumble. Your mind rejecting the thought that Talia and Hux-

Talia mewled, your eyes opening to find white knuckles outfitting a vise grip over the sink’s metal edge. The fluorescent lights lining the ceiling made it all too easy to see how sick she really was. Tears glinted down her cheeks, her hair dull in its tousled bun, a string of spit straying from her bottom lip; there was a suggestion of green just below the surface of her skin, exhaustion evident in the lavender drapes below her eyes.

A shaky breath left her before she rested against the sink, elbows bent and fingers rolling over her temples. For a moment there was a deafening silence, one that strangled you and emphasized the throbbing in your nose when you stopped breathing. It dissipated when Talia groaned, her head drooping and stance shifting.

“At least shift is done, right?” She sounded like she was talking to anyone. She didn’t know it was you. She didn’t know you knew.

Swallowing, dropping your hand from your face, you tried to think of anything to say. But nothing would come. And, considering how little time you had left to know her – execution or not – you saw no point in frivolous small talk.

“How far along are you?” It was a low rasp; frail in its existence yet bludgeoning the quiet that had preceded it.

She didn’t look up, but you knew she recognized your voice; her every muscle stalled, hair even stilling as your words sank into her. It was the first thing you’d said to her since she’d seized. In her silent shock it dawned on you that it had not been long since you’d been in a situation similar to this; the two of you, a pitting silence, a mess – obvious and blaring – surrounding you.

Only this mess was not something that could be cleaned. This mess existed outside all you had once thought to consider. Though this room was less gruesome in appearance, it held that same suffocated dread, carried with it the reminder that everything could change without a moment’s notice. Watching the color return to her cheeks, absentmindedly brushing your fingertips across the raised marks atop your thigh, it hit you how true that fact was.

A small sound – a swallow – filled the room, a sigh to accompany it. “Six weeks. I think, at least. Maybe more.” She stood then, crossing her arms and leaning against the sink. A wall stood between you and her, invisible yet so entirely present. “No one knows.” Her jaw fluttered at its hinge. The wall was for her; a façade, a crutch. She was scared.

The door lit cool shivers down your back, hands digging into your pockets, a weak attempt at a smile pulling at your face. “Congratulations,” you offered first, forgetting the circumstances before seeing her eyes fall to the floor. “Or not, I guess.”

She kept her eyes down. “I’m not showing, and I’ve been good about sneaking away to throw up, so…”

“Last week,” you said, her stare coming back to you, “after Starkiller. I fainted after arriving back here, and after I woke up,” I washed the Commander of the First Order’s hair and cried to his comatose body about how my life is falling apart, “I just had to know you were okay, so I visited you.”

“I don’t remember seeing you. I actually… How did you even know I had been admitted to the medbay?”

“You were asleep. I didn’t want to wake you.” You chewed your cheek, recounting any of those 48 hours made your pulse jump. “You weren’t well off when I found you, before they took you to the medbay, so I wouldn’t expect you to remember me being there.”

Her brow dipped for half a second, a crack creeping into that wall. “I didn’t know you found me. It’s difficult for me to even recall most of that day.” Her shoulders dropped, stature less rigid now. “Thank you, though.”

You nodded, not entirely sure why she felt it necessary to thank you. “Yeah. So, you were sleeping and I saw the tests ordered on your board. And then I found your ultrasound on the floor.”

Her eyes were so distant, pupils housing a familiar ghost. “It must have fallen when I was sleeping.” Her lips parted with the whisper, egregious loneliness overwhelming the thought.

It felt like the floor would fall out at any second, the interaction so fragile. Watching her with intent, measuring her reactions, you charged ahead into territory you’d been afraid to enter for so long.

“Talia,” you started, buying more time to think on your phrasing. Her focus startled back from wherever her mind had taken her. “I mean, maybe this is ridiculous, and maybe I’m so far off base in even suggesting it…”

Her arms dropped when a hand reached to tuck a collection of stray hair behind her ear, nose sniffing, teeth pulling at her bottom lip. She took her eyes from yours, breath picking up. That wall she stood behind was wearing.

You couldn’t stand beating around the bush any longer, sick of theorizing about it all. It fled out, no breath to separate any of it. “I’ll just say it: Hux was leaving your room when I came around. And he was being weird. So weird. I mean, he was being… would I say nice? Maybe just, less awful? He complimented me. And it was so weird, but I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt because, you know, he’d just lost a lot of men. But then it was you in the room and I.. he was so distraught? That is barely the right word, but I mean? He just wasn’t General Hux. And then I found the ultrasound and remembered how you’d asked for ‘Armitage’ earlier when I’d found you, and-,”

A weep signaled the destruction of the wall she’d thrown up, hands clawing into her eyes and lungs heaving full of ragged, desperate air. “Oh, please tell me you didn’t tell him! He can’t- I don’t!” Sobs rolled off of her between each exclamation. “I haven’t told him. I don’t know how. I- he’s so evil! I can’t believe I ever slept with him!”

Seeing her come apart, feeling the guilt she did in every word she cried, you could only think to take her into your arms. In your hold you felt her shaking and the pain roll off of her in thick, grating waves. It was familiar, like she, too, had been existing alone; you had not noticed, so buried in your own avoidance that you had not thought to consider hers.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so- I’m so sorry! It makes me so mad that- ugh!”

“Hey, stop. Slow down,” you soothed, hugging her tighter. “You have nothing to apologize to me for. You’ve done nothing wrong, okay?”

“No, I have! I slept with my Master! And got pregnant! And he’s such a fucking jerk! He’s the whole reason you’re losing your career, you know? And I had sex with him! And I feel- felt real things for him!” A breath stuttered into her lungs. “I never meant for it to go any further than that first night, and then… fuck.”

It burned down to your marrow that you had the power to comfort her, knew everything she was feeling even if it wasn’t hatred that left you crying at night. She would be embraced in knowing you had also slept with your Master; it would minimize the guilt she now felt. To tell her you had fallen for Kylo Ren could help her know that she wasn’t alone.

Instead, feeling her tears accumulate on your sleeve, struggling to keep in your own, you kept quiet. She would not learn how you had burned so bright for your commander. It was selfish, but it was necessary. Self-preservation. She would be testifying against you, taking the stand right after Hux. Her not knowing would do no harm; it would keep her from having to consider or commit perjury. Talia now joined Mason, another soul to protect, another person you would lie to.

Several minutes passed before she stopped trembling, another few before the tears stopped staining your uniform. Humanity existed in these moments, and though you would hide how you knew the advice you would offer her, you knew she needed to hear it. A part of you did, too.

Moving your arms from her back and grasping both her shoulders, you locked eyes with her and forced her to see that you somehow understood her pain. “There is nothing to feel guilty about. Not that you slept with him, or that you got pregnant. Not that you felt things for him or that you still do.” Her eyes shut at that, a fresh streamlet dragging into her mouth. “You can still love him even if he has done awful things.”

“Gosh, how can you say that? He’s ruined your life,” she shuddered, grimacing before looking back up to you.

“I made the choice to take that blood. I had a choice,” your throat tightened, not knowing if you were reciting the words from their origin or from your dream, “I made the one I thought was the best at the time. Hux may be an ass in the way he has gone about the issue, but it’s not like he wouldn’t have reported me.”

She sobbed your name, confusion and hurt wrought in her features. “That blood saved that patient. You saved that patient. We both know that. You saved him and you’re suffering for it and I’m the one who wrote the incident report. He made me write it. Such a fucking bastard.”

Just like that, whatever weird internal truce you’d made with Hux disappeared. “Yeah, that is a dick thing to do, I will say that.”

She wiped at her cheeks, shaking her head. “I should have lied on that report.”

“And gotten both of us in trouble? That isn’t a solution.”

“If I had, you would be less alone in this. And I wouldn’t have to testify against you.” Talia’s eyes shot to the ceiling and back, frustration hot on her breath. “It’s just so-,”

“Unfair. I know. I have… I’ve beaten myself up about it too much not to know that.” This conversation was too similar to those you’ve held inwardly. It was becoming repetitive to keep sulking over something you could not change. But Talia, if she wanted, could change her situation. “We went through the same program, got the same schooling, I know you know your options here.”

She chewed her cheek, shaking her head. A long drag of breath found its way into her chest, releasing when your hands fell to your sides. “This is where you find out how stupid I am.”

It pulled at your heart to hear how hard she was being on herself. “You aren’t stupid. And if you are? Could’ve fooled me with your class rank and just general existence.”

A laugh, weak but not acrid. “Academics were easy. Career is easy. This life stuff? Messy. Complicated. I feel like no matter what I do, it will blow up in my face.” That earlier distance glazed over her stare, a glimmer of yearning present in the way her eyebrows pinched. “And what I want…think I want? I’m not sure it’s even possible.”

“What do you want?”

Talia shut her eyes, capitulation and indignance set in her features, jaw flexed. “I haven’t spoken to him since that night,” she whispered. “He watched me fill out that report. I was sobbing in front of him and he said nothing.” A hand smoothed over her hair and clutched into her bun, lips quivering for a moment. “I didn’t even know until last week. I woke up for a few minutes and they started talking about all that had happened – fainting and seizures and blood tests – and they immediately wheeled me down to have an ultrasound to confirm the hCG results and urinalysis.”

She paused, growing in distance the more she shared. “Was it just your electrolytes that caused the seizure?”

“Yeah. Yes.” She blinked back to the present. “Belkar actually said I was severely dehydrated and that my metabolic panel reflected that.” Talia was dancing between two timeframes; gentleness framed her face when revisiting that of the past. Something so delicate in her stare; adoration cusping on hope. “I always told myself I would never have children. It scared me seeing how sick they could become when we had our unit on pediatrics. I’d never wanted to feel so helpless as the parents I saw during clinical.”

It almost winded you to watch a single tear slip down her cheek, allowing her silence during her pause before she looked up at you, desperation drowning her eyes. She couldn’t find – or, maybe, did not want to believe – the words that overwhelmed her. “What changed?” You knew, but she needed to hear it for herself.

Her lips had become puffy, teeth pulling at the bottom one. She reached into the front pocket of her scrub dress, pulling from it that square print, only now with rolled, worn corners. “I know it’s early and there are so many things that can go wrong and I know I had been drinking before I knew, but…” A swallow bobbed her throat, a fond smile forming when she toyed with the scan. “When they handed this to me? Something just, I don’t know, came into view.”

A surge of immense pain coiled into you. In her reverie you saw yourself, realized how fortunate her situation was; she had something she wanted and even though it was complicated, she had a choice in the matter.

Again, her mind had wandered, distraction framing her tone; her brows pinched together for a second, a question sparking from her memories. “Have you ever wanted something so much, and maybe you didn’t fully understand it, but you just knew? For whatever reason, this was the thing you would do everything in your power to make possible? To have what you want, no matter how daunting or nonsensical it seemed?”

“Yeah,” you choked out, coughing against the new strain on your throat, “I think so.” Talia had that ability, though, and it cracked against your skull how helpless you were to go after what you wanted.

“You said that I could still love him if he’s done awful things,” she quoted, her attention returning to you. “I don’t love him. I don’t think I really know him that well. But…” She shook her head, shoulders shrugging and a puff of breath leaving her nose. “I miss him. It’s so dumb, but the bastard is nice to be around when he isn’t buried in politics. When he’s just a person. When he isn’t the General. When he’s just—” another smile, similar to her earlier one “—Armitage.”

“That has to be the strangest part of this whole thing.” A small laugh bubbled past your lips. It had been so long since the last one. “Armitage.”

“It was very odd at first. But I’m not going to cry out General, oh please General! when I’m cumming, so I got over it.”

Dumbfounded, all you could do was gawk at her candor. It warmed you, though, feeling like that first night you’d hung out with her. A good memory. Her cheeks pinked in your silence and the sight pulled you straight into a ruckus of laughter, tears – born in pain, falling from humor – and lightheartedness. It was short lived, but Talia joined in your fit; abashed giggles leaving her smile-tight face.

“I mean, I feel like it would be weirder if you were sleeping with Commander Ren.” Talia jabbed at your shoulder. “Calling him… Kylo? That just feels downright wrong.”

Instantaneously, your high fizzling into nothing before her, you found yourself right where you were when you’d said your first goodbye. Ky. It wilted your heart, shrouded whatever glimpse of happiness you’d just caught. Talia was too lost in the joke to notice you’d backed away from her, face turned so she couldn’t see the suffering rise to the surface.

“Ha, yeah. Wrong. So, so wrong.” You cleared your throat, brushing past the weak attempt at nonchalance, ready to be off this subject. “So you miss him? You miss… Armitage? Yeah, no. I’m gonna stick to Hux, if that’s alright?”

A final laugh lit from her chest, Talia waving you off. “That’s fine, of course. And yeah. I miss him.” Her brow furrowed. “Do you think it could work? Me and him, and—” she gestured down to her abdomen, placing the scan back in her pocket “—this?”

This was none of your business, and you doubted anything you could say would help her, but there was genuine curiosity in her voice. There was respect in how she wanted your insight into something so intimate and personal.

A sigh preceded your reply, unsure if you were speaking to her or yourself. “I think… Just as you said earlier: no matter if its daunting or nonsensical or even completely impossible – if you want it and you are willing to do everything in your power to get it?”

Hope lit behind her eyes, bloomed in her chest at the suggestion. “It could work.”

Struggle hid behind a mask of hope. Of course she did not know how it pained you to offer words that would never exist for yourself, and it wasn’t fair to ruin her moment of clarity with the bitter bite of ill-placed jealousy. There was no part of you that envied her condition, but instead what it entailed; you coveted her ability to choose the life she wanted.

Talia shook her head free, a giggle warm on her breath. “We should get out of here. Night shift is gonna run us off soon. You have the time?”

“Uh, not readily available. But I’m sure it’s way past shift change.” You started toward the door.

“Hey, I noticed you’ve been staying in the on-call rooms?”

“Oh.” It surprised you that she’d noticed. The knowledge warmed you to your core, both from embarrassment and appreciation. “Yeah, I know you guys have been swamped down here with all the fallout from Starkiller, so I just thought I’d stay near to help out.”

She tsked, your name a mocked plead. “You are Starkiller fallout. You need to rest. Especially now that you can. I got an update from Zag about the trial. You’ve got, what? Three or four days before Canto Bight? Seven until the initial hearing?”

She’d done the same math you’d gone over at length. Hearing it from someone else’s mouth made it that much more real. Frightening. “I know. I do, I know. But what’s wrong with spending them here?”

“You know as much as I do that working constantly drains the absolute soul from you. Even just working these past three days I have been dying for my time off.”

“Yeah, but you have a reason to be tired.”

“I’m pregnant. You survived a planet exploding all the while keeping the Commander of the First Order alive. Are you forgetting that?”

Talia, I wish I could forget all of it. “No, I’m just-,”

“And I know you’ve been blowing off that McCarty guy. He’s a physician, right?”

Maybe you’d been less discreet in your efforts toward avoidance than you thought. It felt like being caught; this web of lies was becoming a strain, less of a benefit, a hinderance rather than protection. “He’s… Mason doesn’t know what he’s asking for, you know?”

“No, I don’t know.” Talia strode to your side, stern eyes on your own. “Look,” a breath softened her demeanor, “whatever happened on Starkiller, whatever you saw or felt – it’s affecting you. I don’t know what it is, and I’m not asking you to tell me – though, you can tell me anything – but at some point it becomes a choice to remain stagnant in grief.”

“Hey!” Talia had always been blunt, but her audacity now clawed at your patience.

“Okay, sorry, yes that was very harsh,” she placed a firm hand on your shoulder, “but you are the one who made me realize that. Here. Now.”

Tears threatened but remained stuck in your throat. “Like you said, I’m alone in this. I have to be.”

“The way I see it, you aren’t-,”

“Talia, I am.”

“You aren’t. Me being here and that physician coming here every night is proof of that.” You met her with silence. She shrugged. “You could have left me to deal with my issues alone, but you saw me and knew I couldn’t.” More silence on your part, her stare flicking between your eyes. “I see you. You can’t deal with this alone. I won’t let you.”

You fought to hide them, but one by one fell the tears you had not permitted before. For so long it seemed you had been shielding others from hurt, ensuring a safety they were not aware they needed. Talia was offering that to you, now. Rejection was the first instinct to kick in, feelings of doubt and thoughts of I do not deserve this blaring in urgency.

But then she spoke, naming what you had been too scared to confront. “Choose to not be alone. It doesn’t make you a bad person,” her hand left you, overwhelming assurance in her smile, “You’ve been strong for long enough, for so many others. Let someone be strong for you for once.”

The next breath you took was a million times lighter than any you’d had since seeing Kylo those days ago. She really did see you, more than she could ever know. It was imperfect, of course; you weren’t sure anyone would ever be fully aware of how much pain you were in, there was so much you could never share. It was her offer that brought you solace; it may be superficial for you, but Talia was in your corner, and she believed, knew, that it meant something. In her eyes, pooled with intensity, you heard her loud and clear: that oath, born in blood, was renewed here and now, its strength indelible even in silence.

“Now,” she activated the door, its hiss shivering down your spine, “I think Mason would love it if you caught up with him.” The two of you stepped into the hall, already beginning to part paths. “I’d invite you to stay with me but I, uh…”

“You’ll be otherwise predisposed?”

“…We’ll see,” rose bloomed in her cheeks, “I don’t think I’ll tell him. Not tonight. Not yet.”

“Ah,” you sighed, a yawn slipping past.

“Get some sleep! And maybe just… get some, you know?”

The joke registered too late, her paces halfway down the hall before you called out, “Oh. Oh. No, I’m not with- we aren’t anything more than friends.” Not sure if she even heard you, she waved behind her before turning a corner. Well. That’ll need clarifying.

Heat flared in your cheeks, several pairs of eyes weighing on your shoulders at the outburst. Would there ever be a day when you were not embarrassing yourself on this unit? Given this would be the last shift before going to Canto Bight, probably not. Eyes tracking your steps, deciding to surprise Mason instead of call him, you found your way to the on-call room where your entire world was set up; remnants of a past one, at least.

In it you gathered your belongings – a pair of back up scrubs, a toiletries bag, and the lifeless watch. There was a hesitance before placing the device with the other items. Six nights you had spent staring at its blank face, resenting the stranger you’d come to see. Glancing your face before placing it in the bag, you did a double-take. In the most minute details, barely there, you found a familiarity in the eyes you met; they were less dull, something like life or light peeking through the surface.

You dropped the gadget into your pocket, gathered your uniform into the bag, and took a final glance at the shelter you’d sought amidst a storm that had nearly consumed you. Even though nothing had truly mended, there was comfort in the absence of solitude; in the face of probable death, the explicit knowledge that you were not alone made it less daunting. Less impossible.

A final breath brought the door to a close, footsteps leading you into the vast expanse of the Finalizer. The change in air was nice, lungs welcoming the difference and cluing you into the fact you still had a gauze square shoved up your nose. It took a tug to pull it from its place, a sting pinching at the sudden release of pressure.

“Shit,” you hissed, feeling a new stream of warmth trickle past your lips. Two fingers pressed to your mouth, testing for a mirage but coming back with the real thing, red creaks splintering into the ridges of your fingerprint. Without thinking you wiped it down your scrub top, forgetting you were no longer clothed in camouflaging black, but instead unforgiving grey. “Fuck!”

“Wasn’t this how I left you here the last time?”

The airlock must have snapped, lungs solid, muscles frozen. Tension seized your ribcage, pulse plummeting, blood bounding against tuned ears. Every bit of moisture abandoned your mouth. Every bodily process you could think of stopped.

There was no modulation, each word raw, bare, and clear as the last time you had heard their founder. At least, the last time you’d heard it while awake. It was less haunted now, filled not with insidious rage but rather bone-chilling earnest.

“I suppose not, given it’s your blood tonight.”

He drew nearer, boots heavy and steps paced to perfection, the rhythm of his stride an echo of your heart. Kylo Ren was less than three paces from you and all you could do was endure the sensation of a singular ruby droplet following the line of your artery, dragging past your clavicle, and ghosting the skin over your sternum. The crimson trail began to dry, steps no longer sounding when you forced yourself to look up.

Chaos tore into the base of your spine, every nerve ending firing at the sight of his bare face, no helmet to veil the visage you had memorized. The black strip rested in prominence, striking through his features; in it you found a curious attraction, finding it fit him. The wound was less severe now, healing with time. He wore no helmet, but that by no means meant there was no mask keeping him at a distance only he knew the measure of.

“Where have you been, officer?” Cyanosis was a likely reality, breath still evading you as each word fell in baritone; petrified pupils not knowing where to focus. “Your services finally required, and yet you were nowhere to be found.”

Nothing. No words. No sound. No thoughts. Barren in every aspect of cognizance, you remained silent and still, only knowing to perceive him for what he was: superior.

A twitch at his brow, a narrowing of his eyes. Studying. Testing. “How unfortunate; starved for words when they would actually count.” His injury moved fluidly against his words, a beauty in the way it ebbed with each syllable.

A ping sounded at your waist, commlink buzzing in your pocket.

Languid, Kylo’s eyes dipped toward the sound. “You should get that,” he drawled, eyes twitching before conquering yours once more, “could be important.”

His tone haunted you, demeanor too suggestive. You swallowed against a dry throat, locked in his stare, knuckles brushing your watch when you took out your commlink. It trembled in your grip, shocked muscles heavy with weakness. His concentration had become adamant, palpable, an eyebrow prompting your attention to whatever message had triggered the alarm.

Concerning the defendant,

In the week since the previous correspondence, it has come to be that the defendant is to partake in nursing practice during her time on Canto Bight. This allows the Board of Physicians ease in collecting surveillance imperative to their final judgement.

Commander Ren’s decision to bar the defendant from external practice has been nullified as to not contradict this process.

In permitting the defendant’s practice while on trial, the objective to obtain a new provider has been benched. Due to this, the defendant shall remain assigned to her current Master while residing on Canto Bight…

At last, breath flourished your lungs, an inadvertent gasp thrusting a glutton of oxygen into your airway. Crazed eyes darted over the message for any sign of a mistake that would prove it to be falsified; the only thing you could find was finality, a document containing the proposed schedule attached at the end of the message.

A buzz washed through your brain, overstimulated by the information, everything around you suddenly all too close and bright. Jaw bound shut but still trembling, eyes low and unfocused, a familiar pressure flicked just under your chin. The Force tipped your face upward, pupils strict in their position, passing first over a tense jaw and landing at last on the challenge that lay behind Kylo Ren’s glare.

“I’ll see you on Canto Bight, officer.” A serpentine smirk slithered along his lips, one stride bringing him so his face was hidden, shoulder linked with yours, and fingers jut out to graze at the hidden permanence atop your left thigh. His voice, an onslaught of emptiness, a cold threat, suffocated all that surrounded you. “You wanted to give me more? Prove it.”

#kylo ren #kylo ren fanfic #kylo ren x you #kylo ren x reader #kylo ren imagine #ao3 #st kyp

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damienthepious · 4 years

Text

happy lizzer kiss babes! also, as mentioned in the notes of this one, lil heads up that i’m gonna be taking a little break from posting fic in november! and by “little break” i mean i’ll be writing 50k of a novel lmao what a good “break” i am so terribly smart. anyway love you!

A Moment As An Optimist

[ao3] [Ch 2]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Sir Damien/Rilla

Characters: Lord Arum, Sir Damien, Rilla

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Lizard Kissin’ Tuesday, Established Relationship, Forbidden Love , (alas.......), miscommunication followed quickly by communication

Summary: It is one of Damien's favorite events of the entire year, all revelry and romance and joy, and he cannot wait to share it with his lovers. Or- with one of them, at least.

Notes: Title from the song Heart of a Pessimist, by Be Steadwell, a song which also p well vibes with the fic as a whole. Also, just to... get out ahead of this a little, but I'm gonna be taking a break from fanfic for the month of November so I can properly do NaNoWriMo again this year! Which is exciting! But it also means that I'm gonna publish fic on tuesdays for the rest of October, and then November is gonna be radio silence from my end, on here at least. You can come hmu on tumblr @jakkubrat if you wanna see me just, shrieking at the void about writing in general, but I doubt any of y'all are interested in that. Anyway I love you. Hope you like this one! I intend to get the second chapter out before my little hiatus :3c

"And then," Damien says, gesturing wildly with his hands, "after the sparring demonstrations and the feast, the square is cleared and the musicians take their place of honor. They will play, and play, and play the whole rest of the evening. Songs quick and full of giddy joy, songs steeped with contemplation and longing and love, all manner of melodies in the in-between, and they will not cease playing- not until the very last of us has grown too fatigued for further footwork. Only when the very last of the revelers has succumbed to exhaustion, only then will the music finally fade into the more natural song of the night."

Damien sighs deeply, then, his hand pressing over his heart as he fixes his eyes on the middle distance.

"I'll admit the dancing is pretty fun, at least," Rilla says with a shrug, her own tone much more casual. "Food's not too bad either."

"Pretty fun!" Damien cries, his eyes sparking with excitement. "Oh, damning with such faint praise, my love! It is quite reliably among the most enjoyable events of the year! Why- oh, I could not possibly forget the year when you and I danced clear through until the dawn, and when finally we relented we were so terribly exhausted that we barely clung to each other long enough to stumble to the closest inn to properly collapse- a battle more draining that my greatest conquests, and still I do not think there has been a day I have laughed quite so heartily, nor been so blessed with your own laughter and love! Oh, Rilla, perhaps this year they will play that one particular song- that one with those quick triplets, the one that played just as they lit the lanterns last year, oh, and Arum! When the drums begin, then we could-"

He pauses.

"We- y-you and I could- could-"

Damien notices, quite suddenly, the low growl emanating from his lizard love. He notices the wince upon Rilla's face, as well.

Damien swallows, pulling his hand back to press over his heart as it sinks, and sinks, and sinks.

"We could... what?" Arum murmurs, slow and measured and vicious. "What, precisely, could we do at your festival, honeysuckle?"

"I-" Damien's breath catches. "I... I only..." he buries the hitch in his throat in a slight cough. "I... I managed to get quite ahead of myself, I'm afraid," he says in a muted voice. "So excited was I to share such joy... I did not even think."

"You certainly did not," Arum hisses. "How little prompting you require to forget, hm? To forget entirely that I am a monster."

"No," Damien says quickly, shaking his head. "I- I did not forget- how could I possibly? Arum-"

"Or to forget me entirely, perhaps-"

"I did not forget you," Damien says. "I forgot them. I forgot- I forgot every single thing in the world, besides you, and Rilla, and I, and... and the idea of spending a whole long evening with you both, dancing in the lamplight."

"I imagine the evening would be rather short, in fact. Hardly a minute would pass before I was slain."

"That's not fair," Rilla snaps, pushing off from the wall and glaring at the monster, but Damien's heart is still swirling and tumbling and the image- Arum at the festival, dancing at their sides, the cries of alarm and fear and hatred, the blades-

"Very little is," Arum snarls. "I am merely pointing out the obvious. It does not matter what we want- what he wants. That door is not open to us, and to pretend otherwise is foolishness itself."

"You know he wasn't trying to make you feel left out-"

"I-" Arum laughs, bitter and brittle and unconvincing. "I feel no such thing. I do not care. In fact- in fact, I do not have the first clue why we are still discussing it. Should you not be on your way already?" He snarls, and then he folds his arms over his chest, visibly settling himself. "Go on, then," Arum says, his voice flat and toneless, but Damien- Damien can't help but hear the current of pain beneath it. Judging by the way Rilla's expression shifts, just slightly, she can hear it too. "Go on. If this event is so terribly exciting, you should scuttle off to your Citadel and start your revelry already."

"Arum," Damien starts, his voice gentle, and Arum's snout wrinkles.

"I don't need your pity, honeysuckle," he hisses quickly, turning to pace with his cape billowing behind him. "We all know exactly what time we may steal away with each other. We all know what we are allowed, and what we are not." He turns his head away, his lip curling up to show the edges of his teeth. "It hardly matters anyway. I do not expect that any human celebration would be of any interest to me whatsoever. Music is only music and food is only food and I can very well find some of my own anywhere I should like."

"Arum," Rilla says, her voice quiet but firm, and Arum's scowl deepens.

"What? What, precisely, have I gotten wrong? In what way is my understanding of the situation flawed? I have no interest in-"

"I won't go."

Arum blinks, stumbling from his pacing to a halt, and his frill begins to sink as Rilla turns towards Damien again.

Damien shakes his head, feeling the tightness in his throat and attempting not to let it become evident in his voice. "I won't. I- I do not want to. It is only by necessity that I am ever anywhere that you cannot safely accompany. By Saint Damien above why should I ever want to revel and ramble and partake in such a joy if I cannot share it with the both of my loves? Why-"

"Oh, Damien-"

Rilla steps closer, one hand reaching to grip his wrist, and Damien feels the heat at the corners of his eyes and shakes his head again, more fiercely.

"This festival has always and only ever brought me joy, brought me closer to and more familiar with love, with beauty and delight, and- and I could not even consider those concepts for one moment without thinking of you as well, Arum, and- and- and I cannot bear the idea of suffering an event I once loved so dearly without you by our sides. It is unthinkable, I could not- I will not."

Arum stares at him for a long moment, his frill sinking further, his throat rattling.

"I won't," Damien says again, more quietly. "Not without you."

Arum inhales slowly, his expression folding into more visible pain, and he hisses through his teeth and winces before he responds.

"No," he says slowly, his voice low and rumbling. "No, I can't abide-" he pauses, and then sighs, dropping his eyes. "No. I didn't- I did not- I spoke rashly and- no. I didn't mean to- to-" he clenches his teeth again, lifting a hand to scrub down his face. "No. This... this event is... significant to you, honeysuckle. I know that it is not your fault, nor hers, nor mine, that we cannot enjoy it together. It is no one's fault, it is simply the truth. It is simply... the world, as it is. But-" he hesitates, and then he sighs again and steps closer, reaching to brush his hand down Damien's arm.

Damien sags instantly at the contact, immediately closing the remaining gap, folding himself against Arum's chest as Rilla lets go of his wrist, stepping up behind him instead and touching his back with soothing hands.

"But, little honeysuckle, that does not mean you both should not enjoy it regardless. Clearly I should not like to be without you, but I would be much more unhappy if my mere existence kept you from something you so clearly adore."

Damien blinks, and then he lifts his face to frown up at the monster. "But, Arum-"

"This is important to you," he murmurs. "And it is important to me that our arrangement does not prevent you from taking little joys where you can. I apologize for... for snapping at you, in my frustration." He leans down, nudging their foreheads together and sighing. "I am sorry that I allowed my own... that I turned my own pain outward to cause you distress as well. I want you to go. I want you to go, and I want you to enjoy the evening as much as you are able."

Damien makes a small noise, helpless, and then he wraps his arms around the monster and squeezes, hugging him tightly enough that Arum gives a surprised exhale, and then a low soft laugh.

"Oh Arum-"

"I want you to be happy, Damien. I want you both to be happy, even if I cannot be always by your side to be happy with you."

Damien hugs Arum even tighter for a moment, until the monster makes a small breathless noise, and then he loosens his grip enough that he can tilt his head, pressing a kiss to the edge of Arum's jaw, and he cannot help but feel the tears rallying again at the gentle purring noise that rumbles deep in Arum's throat.

"I love you," Damien croons, his lips still touching scales. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry we cannot-"

"It is no one's fault," Arum says again, even more gently. "What we have together already, despite the current conflict... what we have together is already something miraculous. We should not be greedy, I think," he grumbles, his voice performatively grumpy, and Damien chokes on a laugh.

"Oh, so greedy of us, wanting to dance together," Rilla grumbles behind him, her hands gentle on his sides, and he's surprised to hear a small note of sourness in her voice.

"Still," Damien says after a moment, soft and sad. "Still. I cannot help my feelings, cannot help how much I wish..."

Arum nuzzles Damien's cheek with his snout, sighing. "I know. Loathe as I am to admit it... clearly I wish, as well. We knew this would be... complicated when we began together. This is simply something we must swallow, for the moment. Perhaps, someday, we will not need to."

"I do not want to leave you here alone while Rilla and I-"

"I will be fine, honeysuckle," Arum says, shifting back enough that he can lift a hand to brush Damien's hair from his forehead. "I promise. To begin with, I am not alone, so to speak. I am never alone within my Keep."

"You know that isn't what he meant," Rilla says, and Arum rolls his eyes.

"Obviously. But I meant only to assure him that I will not be curled into a ball and wallowing. I will have company, should I desire it, and I will be fine. I apologize, again, for speaking cruelly to you. I've... gotten it out of my system, as Amaryllis is fond of saying," he says with a light sneer, and Damien can see him burying a grin as Rilla raises a skeptical eyebrow at him. "I will not be too terribly bothered by anything but the lack of your warmth. It is only one evening, after all."

"Well... I suppose, if- if you are certain-"

"I am certain, honeysuckle." He nudges his snout against Damien's temple, then, a sweet echo of a kiss, and then he steps back, squeezing Damien's hands before he drops them. "You should go. I will be dearly disappointed if I have managed to entirely ruin this evening for you."

Damien frowns, his stomach still twisting with uncertainty, with how wrong it feels to leave in such a way. "But-"

"He said he'd be fine, Damien," Rilla says, and her shrug is exactly as casual as her words, but when Damien turns towards her to continue to voice his distress, she-

Winks, with the eye that Arum cannot see in their current positions.

"It's just one night. We'll all manage to muddle through for just tonight, and then we'll all do something together later this week. Okay?"

Damien frowns, very lightly, his confusion bubbling, but-

Well. He knows her, knows that particular quirk of her lips, knows the way her eyebrows raise when she silently tells him to trust, to trust her.

He does, of course. He always does.

"I... I suppose..." he murmurs, still confused enough that he cannot think of any better words to say.

"We'll make an appearance, at least. If we aren't enjoying ourselves, there's no reason not to just... slip out early, yeah? And-" she turns to Arum, ducking her head slightly as she lifts a hand to touch his shoulder, smiling when he leans into the contact. "Can we just... come back here later tonight? Just to sleep, or- whatever. You don't have to wait up for us, if you don't want to, but-"

"Of course you may," Arum says quickly, frowning. "Always. You are always welcome and wanted, here." And then, as if to soften the certainty, the enormity of the always he has just offered, he scowls. "And I certainly will not wait up, so you may waste no consideration on that outcome."

Rilla grins, soft and bright and sweet, and Damien knows as well as she does that the monster is lying.

"I love you," Damien says again, because he cannot hold the words inside while they sit scalding at the back of his tongue.

Arum's expression softens, surprise and aching fondness shaping his features, and he steps closer again so he may pull the both of them into his arms.

"I love you as well," the monster murmurs, sighing into their hair. "Now go and have your fun, will you? I expect further tales of glory and exultation when you return."

"Love you too," Rilla says with a snorting laugh, rolling her eyes as she pushes his scaled arms away, but Damien's heart still aches.

"I..." he trails off, uncertain, and he clings to one of Arum's hands for another moment.

"Please," Arum says softly. "Enjoy the evening for me, if you cannot enjoy it with me. I will still be here, when you tire of the lamplight."

"Alright," Damien says slowly, and then he kisses the back of Arum's hand before he releases it. "Until tomorrow, then, Lord Arum."

When the Keep opens a portal for them back to Rilla's hut, Damien does his best not to allow his eyes to linger on his lily for too terribly long. Rilla takes him by the hand, thankfully, and her unruffled feathers soothe Damien's own jagged edges as the portal closes again behind them.

When they are alone, Damien sighs, but he rallies his nerves in only a moment, and he raises an eyebrow as Rilla's grin goes toothy and wild.

"Alright. Alright, my flower. May I know, now, precisely what you have planned for our love?"

"Okay," Rilla says, her voice nearly trembling with her sly delight, "so, tell me if you like this idea-"

#elle's fanfic #the penumbra podcast #second citadel #rad bouquet #lizard kissin' tuesday #sir damien #lord arum #amaryllis of exile #a moment as an optimist #feed me comments i am famished

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tripstaysnoided · 4 years

Text

Flow Just Like Water

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Story and writing-related transparency update and my many shames...

The Question on Everyone’s Mind

“Hey you haven’t updated No Stars over Uptown in almost a year...”

Hmm, I hate it when you’re right. (This section has been rewritten ad-nauseam to curb back the bitchiness by the way)

So back in early/mid 2018, the idea was to divorce Uptown from a person who influenced it (and myself) heavily. She was my most important audience member, the closest friend I ever had, and unfortunately someone who used her power to bully, ostracize, and hurt others with my help. I cut contact when the hurt + some self-awareness finally reached me. Apologies were made and I feel like my work will never be done with it, but there was still Uptown.

Between censored comments, entirely recasting Axel’s save, different plot threads, and a load of disclaimers, there was nothing that would scrub her influence from the story. There was no way to cleanly drop everything because of how deep her influence went. It disgusted me to look back at it, and I had to private the blog because I feared what it endorsed, even if just in the past.

I pulled back from that sims writing community. I had its main thread on the Official Forums removed too (I guess if that was a mystery to anyone). It was a surrender that I never wanted to do, but I had it in my mind that if I was gone, then she wouldn’t be there either. Uptown became this cursed item, and as I quietly retired it, I noticed that she went quieter too. Not gone, but enough to make me sleep easier at night and even occasionally say hello to old friends.

And I hope deep in my heart that no one else is getting hurt in my place, but now this is gonna haunt me all day huh!

The two paths forward...

1) Complete Uptown rewrite that I’ve been threatening everyone with all year. While it won’t ever be clean because I can’t undo time, I do have a sound outline for a story that is much more true to my actual vision and how I’ve evolved, with a few necessary boundaries in place that are going to be there for all stories moving forward: no more casting calls and no more collaborative efforts. I am not going to open myself up to this happening again, even if the people have changed.

2) Same as above, but I continue the original Uptown as a favor to loyal readers alongside the rewrite. I would try to put the effort into it that I initially did, but with no promises on an update schedule and no advertising. I did ask myself “is there Patreon but without pledging money, just the private posts function” but it could operate as part of a private forum, a members-only part of a website, etc.

Also readers of the original would be beholden to a rule of “don’t spoil the rewrite for new readers, c’mon guys”. I mean, not really, but it is a good courtesy to extend to people.

Priority on this isn’t high but you at least will see what is!

I will probably make the blog public again either way due to the many broken links on my Tumblr but we’ll see. There are other things to deal with as I shall list!

Where Life’s Been Regardless

Been spending more time with my grandpa every weekend. Life’s pretty good and he’s warming up to my dogs.

Shiny New Webbed Site

Cucumber Fields Forever is a site I own now. We have a full domain, cucumberfieldsforever.com, a blog with one post, and the framework needed to host stories the way I want to and still through WordPress. The functionality of likes, comments, and following should still be the same but you know...I’ll take feedback too...

The main blog still has an undefined purpose though I do have drafts sitting around about:

The maybe/maybe not hoax band that was on the Metal Archives and the history of Funeral Doom Metal.

The curious case of when Sims 4 babies get their genetics and my only collaboration (read: was talking about it with a friend and might quote her if needed, it’s actually a bit of a doozy)

Amazon.com’s fake dried udon noodles, an actual issue by the way.

Things I’m reading! (This’d be a monthly feature if so)

For the sake of unity, I am thinking of solutions for hosting old and shameful content there including Uptown and for the real fans in my followers feed, Eight Cicadas...a world I totally have plans for too (not really). I don’t want them to be front-and-center, and that’s why I mentioned forums/members-only content. I finally have that power! Maybe.

Ooooh but what are the costs? Not too much to handle, that’s what. 😉 (Like really, I don’t need any hand-wringing about this, I can manage my finances)

Project Queue (In Order of Confirmedness)

Outrun the Scythe: have you seen me post out-of-context Sims 3 pictures? Did you want more? Did you hope it was Linda in Custody? If the answers are yes, yes, and “meh, whatever you want”, then you’re in luck.

Outrun the Scythe is a Sims 3-based tale of a young gay man and his zombie grandma, as they are both offered separate roles of being the undying intermediaries between the world of humans and the influence of a race of space daemons. It’s pretty familiar if you’ve been following me pre-Uptown, taking some cues from stories I’ve kept under lock and key like Eight Cicadas, The Chains of Lyra, and the not-so-locked-up Ironstar Immortals (of which Outrun is just the direct sequel to sans any retconning...ah the smell of early 2013 and performative heterosexuality)

Ah, back to my roots.

It’s a hybrid of gameplay, story, and lore about my little race of daemons with a lot of my own idiosyncrasies that I’m not really ashamed of: basing it off a super-polarizing Sims 3 challenge from a site I moderate, using a lot of EA’s pre-made townies and their genes, lots of unnecessary posemaking, stupid references. It’s a comfort to have in my roster.

While the first few chapters are in the middle of revision, I have around six in the queue and will be making this public when I have ten. I’m guessing December then?

Undocumented Black Widow Challenge: I just did this for fun/forum kudos (yes, in fact I have joined many forums), there was going to be a short story but it was quickly becoming something against my code of ethics. I mean, sims die and all. (read: I had to choose between “heterosexual widow” and “widow with some same-sex marriages that still end in tragedy, reinforcing negative stereotypes to the public for the sake of me not getting bored and detached during gameplay” so there were no good choices. Except for her affair with the mailwoman, 10/10) I hope to finish this before October ends and get my medal on Boolprop, I’m pretty far through it all. I might upload the sims involved anyways. This is for TS4.

I mentioned it because it’s keeping me busy. But not for long!

NaNoWriMo 2020: Dipping my toes into that again! It’s not sims-related, just a tale of lesbians, nosy neighbors, a haunted beach house, and some light murder and kidnapping. And I actually got my brother to scout out locations for me this weekend. If there’s any demand, I can share chapters as the rough drafts are finished, especially for the sake of proofreading.

Not saying I’m publishable, but wouldn’t it be nice? Will keep me occupied for much of November.

Untitled “Dear Diary” Challenge: Tired of feeling left out of the fun on the Boolprop forums, their “Dear Diary” challenge was the one that appealed to me the most on first glance. Why? Probably once I found an idea that let it be set in the early/mid-2000′s to begin with and explore some interesting characters through diary entries (which I have mixed feelings on as a literary device but I think that’s just me saying “well I didn’t like Dracula”, yes you get bonus points for writing it like a diary)

Also writing is the one skill I’m good at across multiple games. Wanna hear me bitch about the cooking skill tree in TS4 or riding in TS3? I’ll spare you.

I guess I could have included “spending time on Boolprop with old and new friends” in where my life has been. It’s a nice lil community if also a place with its own idiosyncrasies as well. So it doesn’t feel like I’m promoting another community if/when I make a thread there for Outrun the Scythe, I want to have a couple chapters of this ready to go by Outrun’s release, though it’s not gonna be the highest priority compared to it nor as long because I think I can blast through the gameplay quickly.

This one will be played in TS4 due to it having the easiest writing skill/I dunno variety is the spice of life. And hopefully another December release.

Defunded or Forgotten?: Oh shit I actually released stuff in 2020 and told no one? I do have a “mortifying ordeal of being known” sinking feeling whenever I get a site hit because it’s not my best work (but good enough) and veered sharply into issues I may be over my head in, though I try to be a good noodle with research and listening. Maybe hiding is bad after all.

Being based off a very flawed and incomplete Sims 3 challenge I found in the annals of the Official Forums, there’s a lot of behind-the-scenes work just making sense of things. And I’m scared of working on reconstructing the house but I haven’t abandoned the project yet. The story has eight chapters so far and is pretty game-based with some additions here and there. Scared of how long it could be though!

Date for this unknown.

Untitled Sunlit Tides Decadynasty: another year-long abandoned TS3 project with a much stupider reason why. Last update was about Hua getting ready for her wedding, and I wanted to do some poses for a bait-and-switch wedding chapter because to put it mildly, her real one was an absolute disaster.

Blender decided to fuck up its interface again, I got discouraged (this probably does account for some of the Uptown delays too), and when I decided to plow forward, it was for other projects instead.

Meanwhile I played all the way to Gen 5′s teenhood and the only thing stopping me is time (it takes almost 30 minutes to load the file right now, though they’ll be looking at moving towns in a couple gens) and maybe fear of the Logic skill.

Date for this also unknown but it’s easy to pump out updates once I’m in the groove for it. My third heir had a difficult life so maybe I’m just trying to bury it.

Also I just noticed the view count there was really good and probably because I linked it here on Tumblr last year. Thank you so much guys. I can’t really fret over views on Carl’s forum these days thanks to the years-long death spiral pretty much every forum anywhere has been riding on. But it’s a nice surprise. And it’s an alright little challenge recap to read during your lunch break or whatever.

The Wawas

I figured I’d end on the real news everyone wants! Both the chihuahuas are a year and a half now and reached their adult size around a year ago. For the most part, they are happy and healthy dogs.

#state of the uwunion #long post

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the-velveteen-victorian · 3 years

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Elle can you explain what goth is? Google is really inconsistent and I’m having such a difficult time understanding it. When did you find out you were goth?

Definitely! This is a long response just so you are prepared. =) Goth is a music-based subculture. You are correct… Google is not a good resource for discovering what goth is. Unfortunately, a lot of “goth” guide books aren’t either (I know one of them features a lot of emo bands?). First off, let’s just get out of the way what goth is not. Goth is not emo or metal. Avenged Sevenfold, My Chemical Romance, and Pantera are not goth. Goth is not white supremacy. Yes, those of us with naturally pale skin sometimes strive to keep our skin tones light, but goth is a home to people of all skin/hair/eye colors. Anyone who says you can only be a pale, white person is disgusting. Goth is not associated with any religion, philosophy, political inclination, or specific belief system. There are Christian, Hindu, Atheist, New Age, Shinto, Muslim, Republican, Democrat, Green Party, pineapple on pizza, no pineapple on pizza goths. You get my point. =)

Wearing goth fashion does not make someone goth, no matter how great the outfit may be. I (and most goths, elder and younger) define goth as someone who has an intense interest and passion for goth music. That’s it. Sure, most of us will gravitate toward darker aesthetics and like to wear the fashion when we can, but it is absolutely NOT a requirement. That is what google gets so wrong. One of the goth ladies I know spends 80% of her time in scrubs. She loves her job as a nurse practitioner and she has to have a more conservative look while she is working. She can’t wear the fashion more often than a couple times a month. She listens to goth music every day and is super knowledgeable about it. Is she goth? Yes. Conversely, I know a lot of teenagers who are trying to figure out who they are (which is TOTALLY FINE). They actually do a really great job of diy-ing goth looks, but they do not listen to goth music at all. Most of them listen to metal, emo, or country music. Do I consider them goth? No. But I do not judge them for it. Music is about what speaks to you and goth is in no way superior to any other musical taste.

With the rise of “pastel goth” and fashion trends on tumblr/social media, I think a lot of people get misled. This is why it is so important to have some level of contact with the actual goth community. Covid showed us that it is possible to do this online! We can attend online goth nights, get the set lists and analyze goth club music trends from our homes, and have zoom dance sessions! I really love the flexibility and versatility that the pandemic revealed to the goth community… because a lot of goths don’t live in cities with a big goth scene.

How did I discover I was goth? By beautiful accident. =) I was 15, and I struggled to have any level of autonomy or self-expression at all. I grew up in a conservative family (Christian/religious) cult. That rabbit hole runs deep and is a separate story for another time. The point is that I had very limited contact with the outside world apart from my private school, church, and Christian-group violin lessons. However! I received a nano ipod from an extended family member for Christmas one year. I copied a bunch of CD’s from Christian acquaintances at my church and filled the ipod up with the generic contemporary Christian and overstimulating broadway musicals endemic to the culture around me… it was all I had. Then, one day I discovered a goth band. I had no idea they were a goth band. I was obsessed with their sound. I can’t remember which platform I found them on, but I remember I did not have a video with it… so I’m thinking I was on the itunes store. I had chills and for the first time every something felt “right” in the music world for me.

Goth music begets more goth music… Itunes recommended other bands like the one I had found. I only had the money to buy a few albums over the course of a year, but I would retitle the songs and albums as Christian or Disney compilations so that my parents would never suspect what I was listening to (they regularly went through my ipod to make sure I wasn’t listening to anything worldly). One day, I was listening to some of my goth music with another confirmed atheist at my private Christian school and he was like, “OMG I had no idea you were a goth!” I was super confused and was all like, “No, I’m not. I don’t even know what that is…” This guy was a metalhead, but he had a ton of goth friends and he gave me my first thorough education on everything goth. I was 15 at the time, and it was not until nearly 4 years later that I would escape my family and truly come to integrate in the goth community.

Long story short, I started out with the music with no clue about the fashion. I think I was very fortunate in that because it gave me time to develop my musical preferences and tastes without feeling pressured to fit into a tiny little box. Later, when I was free, I did develop a goth wardrobe and (of course) decorated my house in a dark romantic/Victorian style…. But I never felt like those things were vital to who I was as a goth. I’m really thankful for that.

Please understand, that I do not want to erase the incredible goth fashion magicians out there or diminish the hard work someone may put into their personal look or aesthetic. The goth aesthetic is the heartbeat behind the unparalleled, transcendent feeling I have in a goth club or just in my own bedroom. It definitely adds to the experience. All I am saying is that those things alone do not a goth make. I also grew up obsessed with (gothic) Victorian literature... it took me awhile to put 2 and 2 together for that one too lol.

My controversial opinion here is that I do believe that some level of gatekeeping is necessary to keeping goth alive today. Unfortunately, it is an endangered species as subcultures go… this is not because there are not any goths. It is because the mainstream has appropriated it and defined it as fashion ONLY, which then confuses people who go to the surface level of the internet to get answers… which then creates a whole following that erases what goth truly is.

However, I need to explain that when most people refer to gatekeeping, they are talking about bullying. I am defining gatekeeping as providing a definition for the heart of the goth movement and sticking to it. Bullying is never acceptable. Ever. The example I employ a lot utilizes musical genre as an example. Let’s say you put on a Carnifex t-shirt and wear it a lot. But…. You don’t listen to metal because it just is not your sound. You don’t talk to other people about metal music, seek out the aesthetic, have more than 2 songs on your phone with metal music, or (want) to attend metal events. Are you a metalhead? No, of course not. But are you inferior to metalheads because you choose to listen to classical and hip-hop music? No, of course not. Another example: Let’s say you don’t like coffee. You don’t regularly drink it, read about it, or have an interest in it. Are you a coffee enthusiast? No, of course not. Are you inferior to those who do drink coffee? No, of course not. But it would be ridiculous to feel pressured to fit the mold of a coffee enthusiast, right?

It is never wrong to define what something is and to stick to your guns on it as long as you do not cross over into elitist territory, thinking you are better than everyone else. That is the point I want to get across here. Goth fashion does own my heart, but I also sometimes dress in dark academia, cottagecore, dark mori, and even in 80’s retrofuturistic styles when the mood strikes me. It does not change my involvement in the goth community or erase my love for goth music.

Lastly, a question I get a lot (and I have addressed this in previous posts) is, “I am obsessed with goth music… I have a wide knowledge base that I have spent great amounts of time developing and it is my life… but I also like Lil Peep, Lady Gaga, ‘gothic’ metal, and Lana Del Rey. Am I still goth?” The answer is YES. Of course you are! Loving goth music and being obsessed doesn’t mean you can’t like other things. Anyone in the goth community who tells you have to ONLY listen to goth music is full of crap. Eighty percent of my ipod is goth music… I am lucky to have thousands of songs. (And by the way, if you cannot afford a lot of goth music, you are not less goth than the rest of us. Listening for free is just as valid.) The other twenty percent is classical and synthwave/cybersynth/retrowave/darkly inclined/spacewave/video game sountrack/cyberpunk-inspired stuff. Am I any less of a goth for also being obsessed with the retrowave community or for listening to bands that are darkly inclined but not quite goth? No, of course not. Also, you can be darkly inclined without being goth, and that is just as beautiful. =) My husband is darkly inclined and likes some goth music, but he is more involved in the horror community. He is no less valid and freaking awesome than I am.

I hope this makes sense! This is a subject I feel passionate about. Just to recap, the pillars of fashion, gothic literature, and general aesthetics are valid in the goth scene and contribute greatly to the structural integrity of the whole. However, the soul of goth is in the music. I have hearing loss myself and have a couple of friends who are completely deaf who also agree that the music is the soul of goth. The way they engage is by reading the lyrics and even going to goth clubs when they can to dance and feel the beat. =) I think that is beautiful and so amazing. Hearing disabilities do not disqualify you from the goth scene- anyone who says they do is garbage.

Here are a couple of videos explaining a bit about what goth music actually is. Let me know if you would like more resources! Angela Benedict did a video where she answered the question, “Can you be goth and not like the music?” Her answer is also no. She is a great youtuber to watch because she was there for the 90’s goth scene! It is so fun to hear her stories and learn about the elder goth generations. <3

Goth music is not just goth rock… there are SOOOOO many subgenres under the massive umbrella that is goth. It is a big universe to explore. =) If you would like a list of some of my favorite goth bands AND goth adjacent bands, then I can do a separate post for that- just ask! Thank you for tolerating my info-dumping. =) <3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKDo_j0O-hA&t=116s – Accumortis on goth music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGj3CuAeW1w – Angela Benedict on goth music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zg3HwuFlGeU&t=587s – Angela Benedict on defining goth

#whatisgoth #gothmusic #angelabenedict #accumortis #gothfashion

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