she's obsessed.

Castlevania Season 4: I’m not mad, just disappointed

Season 4 is poorly written fanfiction, which is...better than a lot of things could be, I guess.

Spoilers below the cut.

Content warning: trauma, sexual assault, psychological manipulation

The Gods Have Had a Change of Heart

Or, “Season 3 Blocked and Ignored”

Season 3 felt like the fabric of the universe had been twisted just to inflict additional pain. Season 4 overcompensates in the other direction; trauma evaporates, and good things happen for no other reason than to make our favorite characters happy.

The Season 3 finale left two characters in particular totally devastated: Alucard and Hector. Alucard is violently betrayed in a horrifying sexual assault by the first two people he’s spoken to since Trevor and Sypha left. He ends up killing them in self-defense and puts their bodies on stakes outside the castle, alluding to his father’s habit of doing so and potentially hinting at a turn toward evil. Hector is seduced by Lenore and then enslaved using a magic ring.

Yet at the start of Season 4, it’s as if these things never happened. Alucard is troubled, but not totally devastated, certainly not evil. Taka and Sumi are referenced in exactly one conversation with new character, Greta, in which she says the rather tactless throwaway line, “I had a boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time once. But they never tried to kill me.” Hector is nominally imprisoned, but immediately seems highly agentic, perhaps even more so than before. He studies, lays traps, and makes secret plans with other people. Furthermore, his relationship with Lenore is completely transformed. From falling to his knees in abject horror and despair at being enslaved, he suddenly switches to light banter, in what is apparently a basically okay, mutually enjoyed romantic/sexual relationship. Manipulative, selfish Lenore is now a sympathetic character struggling to reconcile her own role and feelings with Carmilla’s plans.

The events of season 3 happened, remaining canon in the most basic, literal sense. But the emotional weight attached to them has disappeared into thin air.

Not gonna lie, I did breathe a sigh of relief when I saw that Alucard and Hector were okay. I’m soft-hearted! I don’t like seeing characters I like suffer! I mean, conflict is important, and I can deal with (or even enjoy in a certain sense) seeing characters suffer if it makes sense and serves a narrative purpose. But as far as I can tell, the season 3 finale was nothing more than lurid, meaningless violence. I probably wouldn’t have continued watching the show if it devolved into nothing more than finding novel ways to torture the characters.

Still, it doesn’t feel quite right to pretend like nothing happened either. Or, really, not that nothing happened, but that those things didn’t matter, didn’t hurt, didn’t leave lasting scars. That’s...almost kind of worse.

But, I thought, I can sort of forgive this sudden shift in the stars, given that there may have been some sort of change in creative direction relating to Ellis’ decreased involvement with the show.* Plus, season 3 was insanity. It’s not like it was full of great writing choices, so if we quietly ignore some of them, maybe that’s for the best.

*I only later learned that Netflix actually chose to continue with Ellis’ season 4 scripts. It is not lost on me that maybe Ellis doesn’t know how to write about the lasting effects of traumatic sexual experiences or how power dynamics can make a sexual relationship problematic because he doesn’t understand that those things exist.

Characters Being Nobody and Nothing Happening

Pretty Pictures, Not Much Else

Unfortunately, the disconnect between seasons 3 and 4 isn’t the only problem with this season. Although I felt that season 4 was a bit less boring than season 3 (I particularly enjoyed some of the earlier episodes of season 4), it suffers from the same basic problems of Characters Being Nobody and Nothing Happening.

None of the characters experience any significant development, let alone any sort of coherent arc. Sypha has changed slightly, becoming more rough and jaded. I did really like the scene where she talks about becoming the kind of person who says “shit.” I think it really speaks to how entering into a relationship with someone means taking on aspects of their lifestyle, and how that can change you in ways that you can’t predict and therefore can’t exactly “agree” to. Sometimes those changes are good, sometimes they’re bad, sometimes they’re neutral, and sometimes it’s difficult to know. But you have to accept that you’re sacrificing some aspects of the person that you could have been if you chose to live completely independently, or with someone else.

Trevor really hasn’t changed since season 1 when he first decided to take up the mantle of hero again. Likewise with Alucard. Hector and Lenore change, as previously noted, but that change is sudden, jarring, and occurs completely off screen in between seasons 3 and 4. Carmilla dies as exactly as she lived: bitter, angry, and violent. Saint Germain just kind of...gets fucked over in a nonsensical subplot, which is its own whole can of worms.

We also get several new characters in season 4, none of whom have developed personalities or motives, nor do they develop any of those things over the course of the season: Greta, Zamfir, Varney, Ratko.

And nobody. Does. Anything.

Trevor and Sypha spend the entire season trying to explore and aid Targoviste, which comes to absolutely nothing. They’re unable to help anyone, Zamfir dies, and they end up just jumping through a magic portal to the actually relevant subplot in the finale. Carmilla literally does little more than draw maps until she’s ultimately killed. Hector plays a minor role in Saint Germain’s extraction of Dracula from Hell; otherwise, he and Lenore basically just exchange banter. Saint Germain does sort of do some stuff? But it’s often unclear how he’s made his connections, who the people who are helping him are, or what exactly he’s doing in terms of his magic beyond “whatever it takes to get back to his lover.”

Sure, there are fight scenes, but they feel meaningless. There’s no context, no stakes. There’s also a LOT of dialogue, and it is. Not well written. Exposition is embarrassingly clumsy at times, and the philosophical musings are cliche at best, muddled and confusing at worst. There’s just not all that much going on.

That is, except for Isaac. But more on him in a second.

What Kind of Show Is This?

When the plot line adapted from Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse ended with season 2, the show struggled to establish a new identity.

Despite nominally dealing with themes like whether humanity is inherently good or evil and how to cope with wrongdoing and loss, seasons 1 and 2 ultimately boiled down to a pretty generic action-adventure/fantasy plot with found family/power of friendship elements. Main characters Trevor, Sypha, and Alucard don’t really wrestle with big philosophical questions or suffer any major defeats. They know that they have to take down Dracula for the good of the world, and they work together as a team to do it, with a little character development relating to their various backstories sprinkled in.

Then season 3 happened, and things got weird. The trio is broken up for what feels like a pretty trivial reason—Alucard has to protect the castle and Belmont hold, I guess? And the result of that decision is that the dynamics for the three main characters are completely unbalanced.

Ellis openly admits that he basically went feral with the writing of season 3, and it shows. The messaging in seasons 1 and 2 was cliche, but consistent. The message of season 3? Anyone’s guess.

Season 4 reversed the darkening of tone from season 3, but shares its inability to pick a story and tell it.

Isaac is the Main Character

Always has been.

While I can’t say that his character or arc are perfect, I can say that he actually has a character and an arc. He starts off motivated by his fierce loyalty to Dracula, then has to struggle to find his purpose once Dracula is gone. He goes from subservient to agentic. He goes from fully endorsing the genocide of humanity and not caring about his own life to seeing some worth in humans and genuinely wanting to live. He has an interesting moment that deepens our understanding of what night creatures are, while also serving as an exploration of the meaning of one’s fundamental nature. Most importantly, these changes happen naturally over the course of the show. They never feel forced or out of the blue, and while I feel like even more could have been done with Isaac’s character, there’s a lot to appreciate about what is there.

If there’s any thread holding Castlevania as a single, coherent work together, it’s Isaac. Not only is his character the best executed and the most coherent over the course of the show, his character explores themes that are larger than himself and relevant to the show as a whole, like those mentioned earlier: misanthropy versus a belief in the value of humanity; the ability to go beyond one’s “nature” or initial circumstances; and how to respond to being wronged or losing something important to you. Exploring the individual lives of characters is great, but really good writing usually requires going beyond that to reflect on broader questions and ideas. Isaac is the only character here that serves that larger purpose.

Sorry...I Just Don’t Buy It

The season 4 finale is crazy, although in a different way from season 3′s.

Varney being Death makes no sense on several different levels. I’m not going to spend a lot of time picking that particular plot twist apart, but I will talk about why I think it doesn’t work at the largest scale, and how I think season 4 might have been done better.

Last minute twists with zero foreshadowing are rarely a good idea, and this is no exception. Why introduce this “Death” entity at the last minute to be the most important battle of the season? The finale of the entire show, even? Besides the lack of logic or emotional buildup, this robs the show of the opportunity to make use of the antagonists that it already has. Since Dracula died, Carmilla has been the obvious choice for a new big bad. Why hasn’t she done more?

Season 4 feels crowded with characters and plot lines that amount to nothing. Why not bring some of these characters together? If Carmilla is the main antagonist, how come she never meets any of the protagonists (except Hector, who is a pretty minor player in this ecosystem) or even affects them in any way?

Season 4 feels like maybe it was trying to make something out of season 3 and the model that it presented, but it ultimately fails to do so. The writers throw the trio back together at the end anyway, so why not have them rejoin sooner and work together? Maybe Sypha and Trevor’s past experience with Saint Germain could have helped Alucard and Greta piece together what he was plotting sooner, rather than all four of them being completely blindsided by it in the penultimate episode. (Sypha and Trevor know that someone is trying to resurrect Dracula, but they fail to find out any actual detail about the plans, despite their supposed attempts.) Have characters actually do stuff, figure stuff out, advance the plot!

Likewise, maybe Carmilla becomes aware of Saint Germain’s scheming, sees it as a threat, and tries to take him down. Maybe she tries to get involved and somehow use alchemy or the Infinite Corridor to her own benefit. What does it look like when power-hungry Carmilla, who wants to rule the world, finds out there’s an entire multiverse out there? That could easily set her up to be a foil to Saint Germain, causing him to realize that what he’s doing is wrong.

What actually ended up happening in the show feels disjointed and often empty. In particular, most of the events that happen in the last two episodes just don’t really work for me. I didn’t like Trevor suddenly sacrificing himself to this random, new, super powerful enemy, or how the gems and dagger that he found just happened to be the perfect weapon to kill this new enemy, or how he inexplicably returns from the dead.

This kind of thing is what I mean when I say that this season feels like fanfiction. Trevor comes back from the dead for no discernible reason other than that it would really suck if he died. Greta as a character seems to literally only exist to be Alucard’s girlfriend and support him so that he doesn’t have to continue to be alone and potentially turn evil. Alucard’s trauma from Taka and Sumi and Hector’s trauma from Lenore are both conveniently erased. Even Dracula and Lisa are resurrected somehow and get their happy ending. And it’s like, I guess I prefer deus ex machina to the opposite (Does that have a name? When everything is going well but then something terrible happens for no reason other than to make things worse for the characters?), but they’re both bad writing.

God. This isn’t even getting into what happened with the Council of Sisters. And I don’t even really like those characters, but that doesn’t mean I want to see their characters handled poorly.

I’m not sorry that I watched until the end, but I can’t in good faith recommend the show as a whole. If you’ve yet to watch Castlevania, just stop at the end of season 2. While there are some shining moments in seasons 3 and 4 (4 more than 3), it’s just really not worth it.

Spicy take time (costarring Sugar): The Bros rated by how well I think their arcs/character development/relationship with MC was written and how much it makes sense. (Disclaimer: Our affection for these characters and how interesting, compelling, and lovable we find them has ZERO bearing on this list. ALSO, beware, here there be salt, IE, this is critical of the writing. It’s also long as fuck, so if you just wanna skim and read the bold parts, that’s okay too. You are also free to disagree with us as this is just an opinion, and keep in mind that we have only read to chapter 24 so if there are elements of the story we are unaware of... please be understanding of that and don’t spoil it.) Let’s get started, shall we?

1) Starting at the top is BEST BOI IMO: Beelzebub. So, yeah, in terms of character development and growth, he really doesn’t change all that much, aside from starting off not trusting MC to slowly opening up to them about his trauma. But putting that to the side, his relationship with them makes the most sense. After sharing a bedroom and helping him open up, as well as having the mutual goal of protecting Luke, and then even later going on to save his beloved little brother, it follows that he absolutely adores you afterward. Also, he doesn’t start off disliking you like some of the others. So, all around, he makes the most sense. He’s also one of the deeper characters with his backstory, even if I wish they’d give him other flaws than just being hongry (and playing his unhealthy eating habits/coping mechanism as a joke. Disordered eating should be taken more seriously, especially binge eating but that’s a can of worms for another day)

2) Second best is probably going to shock you, but Satan takes this spot. Why? Well, strictly in terms of arc progression, his relationship with MC starting out as one of manipulation and growing into something more genuine when they go on a heartwarming and wacky adventure together with his hated older brother which causes him to open up makes a lot of sense, at least more so than some of the others. While I wish they gave him more meat characterization wise, I think his arc was pretty well done in terms of story structure.

Okay, so, Sugar here. While I agree with Spice that Satan could use some more meat (and that we should be able to have some more information on Baby Satan because we all need that in our lives), I think that the progression of him and LUCI’S bond (not MC’s) could have done with more subtlety. While I appreciate him softening up, and see that progress, we don’t really get to see the tension of the newfound change and how he settles into letting things go/mellow out and I get it-- it’s a dating sim and the secondary relationships are well, secondary, but it would be interesting to see him and MC bond more through time.

3) Third place probably won’t be all that shocking, because this is where I’m placing Lucifer. He’s arguably one of the characters in the series who’s gotten the most love from the writers, having the most screentime, the most affectionate scenes with MC, and the most fleshed out backstory and characterization as well as fleshed out relationships with each of the characters. His relationship progression with MC also takes a nice, even pace, with him slowly learning to trust them and respect them, culminating in an almost-confession (I THINK. Unless I’m reading that part wrong) and then being shattered at MC’s betrayal, and then earned back in true Pixar-movie fashion by them teaming up for a common goal. HOWEVER. And this is a big however. I would love to see his unhealthy tendencies addressed and NOT fetishized. (Don’t come at me with that “BUT THEY’RE DEMONS THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE EVILLLLL” dude. If a demon being in a healthy relationship is where you draw the line in terms of believability, then why are you playing a fantasy demon dating sim anyway?) I love him, I stan him, I simp for him, but I wish he had at least apologized for his not-subtle threats of physical violence toward MC rather than jumping straight into the ALSO kinda violent “You’re mine and nobody else’s” gimmick.

Unlike some men (SPICE), I am actually not a Luci stan and while I do have a soft spot, and understanding of his place as an eldest sibling... I would also like to see the writer’s unravel the unhealthiness/coping Lucifer has in place and why/how it came to be. I feel like we get a sense that Luci has thawed since coming to the Devildom but we don’t really see how Lucifer in the Celestial Realm (and how his friendship with Simeon) has progressed. Luci has a lot of love from the writers but from a story stand-point, he is never really allowed to be weak and own up to his own flaws and how that has impacted/hurt MC.

4) Sharing fourth place is Leviathan and Mammon! I’m putting them in the same spot because the issues I have with them are the same, though I plan on addressing their good points individually. But since my beef is simpler, I’m going to start off with the bad. IMO, a good rivals to friends to lovers romance happens in STEPS. You start off from not getting along, to then finding some things in common, and gradually coming to respect each other, and then like each other, and finally love each other. This... doesn’t really happen with these two, and while we see the change from both tsundere boys starting off disliking you and eventually coming to love you, we don’t really get that inbetween that makes the payoff so much worth it. And if those inbetweens are there, the story doesn’t really tell us that, and it doesn’t show us their thought processes. Like, how much would it suck if in pokemon, your charmander evolved immediately into Charizard upon beating your first few gyms? It’s like that.

But as for the good, Levi’s arc makes sense because you’re the first person to really let him be himself and not shame him for the things he loves. You let him ramble about his interests and show interest in them yourself (AT LEAST IF YOU’RE NOT A FUCKING MONSTER. I’ll let Sugar talk more on him, that’s their boy.)

Whoo, boy. Here we go! For whatever reason, the otaku became my favorite and I love him, but as far as arcs go... He could have gotten a bit more screentime and progress. It makes sense that he would become attached to MC as his brothers are very, very... critical and patronizing about his interests. He is also by far the most skittish and introverted of the bunch, coupled with his sin and seeing all the ways he falls short (in his eyes) is a recipe for loneliness and desire for companionship/friendship. While I am not happy with the progression, for me, it makes sense and I would also have loved to see some breaking/softening of how much his Sin influences him when it comes to MC. I’m not saying erase it because demons are meant to give in to temptation but some reassurance and acceptance of that would be good.

(I also know that there is some disk horse about him guilt-tripping you about spending time with his brothers and while I agree it can be hard... It definitely isn’t on a painful level. Like, say... Ray’s in Jihyun’s route in Mystic Messenger. This also is a difference for players who are interested in one love route versus the many route and different strokes, but I digress.)

As far as Mammon goes, well, you’re his first. And he’s not only glad that there’s someone who’s kind to him instead of making fun of him, but also takes pride in having someone to protect. His puppy crush going to full blown love is adorable.

This blog is all about spicy takes, yeah? Well, here’s mine (Sugar): Mammon is lovable but not as lovable as he could be and before all the Mammon stans, come for me- let it be known I like Mammon but his introduction and how he comes to be soft is NOT an easy, or believable transition. There are ways to write a good tsundere and the writers just missed the mark by having Mammon be too callous and then slipping to lovable without that sweet slide into the other end. I will not deny he is very cute, and a good character, and a good brother (and also the most human, according to Satan’s home screen interaction) but... The progression and endearment factor is lacking because of the structure of the narrative.

5) Is another unsurprising one, but this spot is Belphegor’s. Solmare. My dude. Why did you do this. We could have had it ALL. It could have been great. But you screwed the pooch. You took anything good about this relationship out behind the shed and shot it like a lame horse. Let it be known that I LIKED Belphie and MC’s alliance to get him out of gay baby jail, and I adored that love he still holds for Beel... I thought he was going to be a fav of mine, in fact. But how they handled the... uhm... murder ruined it for me. I’m sorry, I just cannot believe that I’m supposed to suddenly be besties with the man who manipulated me and crushed me to death like, a week after it happened. What if I have PTSD from that??? Also... he claims that he loves MC for who they are and not because of Lilith, but that’s not believable when his whole turning point is finding out that they’re Lilith’s descendant. The change needed to be more gradual, and having a subtle, gradual forgiveness arc would have been AWESOME but we were robbed. ROBBED I TELL YOU!!!!!

Annnd... Belphie is actually one of my favorites FOR SOME REASON. I DON’T KNOW MAN. I agree that we could have had it and I’m like (Insert Hades red flaming hair gif here). The decision to not have a redemption arc ruined it for me and while I love Belphie and his softness/brattiness mixture with handling MC... It is underscored by a lack of believable affection and the payoff of struggle on both Belphie’s part and MC’s. Also, there is a lot of ‘You are not who I want you to be, but it’s good enough’ with MC regarding their lineage and connections to the brothers and how that plays out/color the relationships with maybe the exception of Satan and surprisingly, Mammon that irks me but again, another thought for another time.

6) Aaaaand last and also the least... Asmodeus. “YOU GET NOTHING!!! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR.” --Solmare to Asmo. The writers neglected him SO much, I like him but what the hell are they doing? There’s so much that could be explored here, and with anything involving Asmo they’re like “I do not see it”. His love for MC also isn’t really that believable when his turning point is realizing that they’re powerful. It doesn’t even fit with any of his potential conflicts. The Diavolo’s castle arc set us up to think that Asmo would have some deep seated insecurities with not being able to be loved or desired by everyone, or maybe some insecurities about not being an angel anymore, or some vulnerability issues or something, and they were just like NOPE. It doesn’t make any gotdamn sense! I just... Grrr. Asmo, I’m so sorry, sweetie. You deserve better.

Asmodeus definitely deserves better and I will stand by that until the day I stop playing this damn game. While I, personally, think that his intrigue with MC makes sense (because he is lusty-- probably not just for sex but in general), it makes sense he would want someone with power but while the set up is there, his character falls flat because there is no bonding moment, or turning point for him at all. His affection for MC is still that playful, carefree, flirty persona he carries and I would love to see it dropped and how his fall from the Celestial Realm really weighs on him and an arc where he and MC talk about vulnerability and the power behind being seen as someone attractive and the way it dehumanizes you at the same time. It could be good-- hell, it could be great-- but it was killed before it started and I will never not think that Asmo could have had some KILLER growth. As it stands, he has more connection/romantic potential with Solomon than MC.

Anyway, that’s all for now folks! Feel free to yell at us in the replies, you know you want to. If this post blows up enough, maybe we can rate the undatables (though they don’t have any story arcs so... that would be a challenge.)

Dealing with Stress When You Live in a Rough Place

This isn't necessarily tarot or shadow work, but I wanted to write a little bit about strategies I've found useful for dealing with my neighborhood in it's current state. All of this can apply to managing stress generally but I'm focusing on folks in my boat. I'm incredibly sleep deprived so it's going to be rambly - I'm warning you now. But hopefully this helps someone.

I've shared a little bit about what's been going on in other posts; we hear shootings at least weekly, people will play loud music so loud the window rattle really late at night, all out brawls have broken out in the parking lot, our neighbors bang against the walls even in the middle of the night, most our neighbors have made it clear they don't like us because we're gay, we've had our car broken into at least 2 in the last month, kids have taken to beating our cars with sticks, climbing on and under them, screaming in front of our house, beating on our door and running off - like y'all it's a lot!

I talk about this so folks can know where I'm coming from. Some folks read this and they're horrified, some folks are going to read that and be like fuck that's tame. How hard a situation looks really does depend on what your normal is and how you were raised. For me, it's pretty intense. I was raised in out in the country so I didn't grow up living really close to people like I have to here in the city. And country neighborhoods have their own brand of rough, do not underestimate it, but most of what I've compiled here is going to be about living in close proximity with other people in areas with high crime rates.

Mindset Shifts

The Sooner You Accept Your Lack of Control - The Better

And I mean really accept it. Not just intellectually understanding that there's not anything you can do, but getting as okay with that as you can manage. For folks who are already traumatized that's a whole lot harder to do. Living in a space that traumatizes you daily will also make that harder as time goes on. But it's been some of the most important work I've done while living in a place that this. Sometimes I cope by being very public about what I'm going through, sometime I cope by

Sensory Management is Not a Luxury, It is a Necessity

This has become overwhelmingly clear to me that sensory overload in rough neighborhoods is a wildly underdiscussed health issue. There's measurable health differences in people who are exposed to a lot of noise versus those who aren't. I'm autistic so this is something I have to do just to function but I've seen a huge shift in my girlfriend's mental health since living here too. Take it seriously and try to attend to it just like you would any other health concern, making it a part of your routine. This is where adapting Polyvagal strategies has come in handy.

Good is Still Good Even If There's a Ton of Bad

There are very few moments of pure joy in a neighborhood like this. One of the reasons that a gratitude practice has been genuinely helpful is that it's shown me how much good can get swept away in the tidal wave of crap in a place like this. So that I don't feel helpless or internalize how worthless places like this are designed to make you feel, I try to resist by reflecting on the good. IT helps me feel like my life still has meaning while I'm living here and it's not a waste to be right where I am right now.

I Am Not Failing Myself For Not Getting Sleep, Food, Safe, Etc

I'm lucky that we've been good on food but sleep and safety have been in short supply. I realized I often felt like I was a bad person for being in this situation where I couldn't sleep, I criticized myself for not being able to sleep through all the noise and getting worked up. I have to remind myself daily that I'm not failing myself for what I can't really control. I'm not a bad person because of what people around me choose to do.

Polyvagal Strategies Adapted

Nature

Ideally, when you're trying to regulate your nervous system, you'd want to get out into nature more. It's just flat out not accessible or safe to do so here. I'm lucky that my room faces a nice tree and when I'm getting stressed, I take some time to just sit and really look at it. I try to notice the details. I also really enjoy feeding birds on my window sill. I invested in a big bag of bird seed with some Christmas money that's lasted me at least a year now but I used to get bags for about 5 dollars at Kroger. If you can't get close to nature, lure it to you.

Need something totally free? You can also pull up livefeeds of bird feeders on YouTube. I used to watch them when I couldn't walk to put out birdseed. Still very helpful. Nature cams in general are great. Put on a nature doc like Planet Earth. Change your computer and phone backgrounds to have natural landscapes. Even just sketching landscapes and having landscape are around your space can help.

If you can buy some soil, dig some up, or swipe some from a public garden bed, you can grow some small plants on your window sill. You can grow a lot of seeds from vegetables and some fruits you get at the store. You can also collect seeds from trees and try to grow them (it's difficult, plant several at a time). Take cuttings of plants you can identify as safe. Extension services will also sometimes send seeds for free. Taking care of a plant really helps us spend more time in the restorative part of our nervous system.

Sound

At the intersection of sound and nature is nature noises. If you're trying to block out your neighbors anyways, nature noises are the best option. I've had the best luck rain and storm sounds. Water noises in particular have a calming effect on our nervous system. If I really need to block something out I'll layer a rain generator over some music I like (rain sounds + Elliot Smith = a vibe).

Music in general can have different  activating and calming effects on our nervous system. Pay attention to what music activates you and makes you more likely to be in conflict with people when you listen to it and what music makes you more social. Physically relaxation is harder for me personally to gauge. As a person with trauma I can't always tell when my body is relaxing or not. So paying attention to how I treat others helps me check myself.

Temperature + Touch

When we're warmer, we tend to feel more socially connected than when we're cold. Put on some extra clothes, pile on the blankets, take a bath, or grab a space heater if you have one. It's worth increasing the temp a little if you're stressed. Too hot and we can begin to feel crowded out. So if you're feeling the need to flee, it's worth trying to cool off a little. I usually do this by splashing some cool water on my face.

While we crave touch from others, touch from ourselves also helps calm our nervous systems! Jin Shin Jyutsu has been super helpful for me. There are a few videos online. I recommend searching Facebook for a woman local to me - Jennifer Bradley. I took one of her in person classes before the pandemic and it's been very helpful especially around sleep. I think the only place she's got her recent videos up is on her Facebook page but they're worth tracking down. She's a very good teacher and just a very soothing presence in general.

There's some evidence that just imagining being hugged or held is calming on the nervous system. Some goes for imagining ourselves out walking in nature. Don't be afraid to spend time daydreaming!

Breath + Movement

A lot of unsafe neighborhoods make common advice like going for a walk completely out of the question. However, even just moving more around your space can help. Yoga has been very helpful to me. My partner finds bodyweight exercises really help her. Any movement you feel good doing counts. Including movement you imagine yourself doing as well.

Breathing is movement, or seems to have a similar effect at least. I really recommend checking out a few breath work strategies to use. You've always got your lungs on you so it's easy to use. I like the in for 4 counts, hold for 7, release for 8 pattern. Breath is a direct line to the nervous system and I try to do a breathing pattern several times a day just to regroup.

Cognitive Strategies

Journal Like Your Life Depends on It

I'm not joking. TMS journaling - journaling stream of consciousness very intensely for about 20-30 minutes and then destroying what you've written - has been key not only to me surviving this place but having fewer Fibro flares than when I was living in much calmer places. But honestly all journaling is helpful. I've been keeping a daily journal in Notion and that alone has been helpful. Making sure I've gotten as much as possible off of my mind throughout the day has helped so much. Find a journaling strategy that allows you to take the cognitive load of (or a few) and practice them as often as you can. Not into journaling? I used to take videos of myself talking into the camera and save or delete them depending on whether I wanted to come back to them. Are words rough? Draw your feelings or scenes as you saw them.

Find the Story That Works

There are a bunch of conflicting ideas about what the right view of trauma and the story of it is. I personally really hate any narrative that places me as a victim. For better or worse, I like to look at what I've learned in any giving situation. So in my current situation, when I'm overwhelmed, I remind myself that I'm only getting a glimpse of what some people in places like this go through. It's increasing my empathy and expanding my awareness which allows me to better serve others. It's made me more committed to keeping my materials accessible over profiting. There's been a lot of benefit when I frame it that way. And that works for me. If that story isn't helpful for you - work to find a frame to narrate your experiences - as they're happening - that help you feel more whole.

Conclusion

I'm not sure if these strategies will work for other people but I wanted to at least have something out there than people could hopefully find if they're struggling with the same thing. Basically, if you can't fix it - manage it. Find ways to make the experience less traumatic if you're able to. Manage your sensory input. Do what you can with what you have where you are. Too many folks will tell you that you absolutely have to change your material circumstances before you can address mental health but for many of us that's just not possible. Or in the words of one of my favorite Buddhist teachers, Robina Courtin, "If you can do something, do something, but if you can't, what are you going to do?"

TFW you realize you relate more to a fave character than you ever actually consciously realized, lmao. 

So I was just having a remote therapy session, and we were focusing on just some mental pain management techniques since my stupid metabolism makes most pain meds largely useless and my head has been waging all out warfare on me for the past week and a half, lololol. And we were delving into one of my personal fave rants, which is the fact that so many people - including vaunted medical professionals - just fundamentally don’t seem to get that having a high pain tolerance does not mean you don’t like, FEEL pain unless its really a lot or intense. Its just that you’re hard-wired/trained/geared via stuff like an abusive childhood, lol, to not SHOW or DISPLAY any visible or audible pain cues unless the pain reaches a certain high threshold where its impossible to hold them back.

But particularly over the past four or five years, with my ongoing medical shit, its super obnoxious trying to get your doctors to display a sense of urgency about your condition because they’re just fundamentally not grasping the degree of chronic pain you’re dealing with every day, since, y’know....I can literally be sitting there in the doctor’s chair and conversationally talking about the fact that no, I definitely am currently feeling like, an eight or nine out of ten on the pain scale, please don’t be confused by the fact that I’m literally LOLing as I describe this to you rather than gasping and moaning in a more obvious indication of it. 

Its like, I’m not TRYING to undersell it or anything, its just, when you grow up since the time you’re like five or six years old, knowing damn well that the only appropriate response to someone asking ‘oh am I hurting you’ that won’t earn you MORE pain is a completely casual or cavalier sounding ‘nope, I’m fine, all good here, no problems.’......like, at a certain point in your development, that becomes pretty hard-wired in, like, you can’t shake it just because you consciously WANT to. (Though it is one of the things I’m trying to unlearn and ‘rewire’ in therapy now, via EMDR techniques aimed at like, literally reprogramming my nervous system and how I react to various stimuli. Its.....slow progress, lmao, but I mean there is some progress so its all good).

But point being, when you’re a physically abused kid and your physical abuser doesn’t want to believe or accept that they’re hurting you, and so they tended to just get angrier and MORE dangerous if they thought you were indicating or even just ‘implying’ that they were in fact hurting you.....you get pretty damn good at not showing even the slightest hint of pain or distress unless its literally a level you’ve never experienced before and thus have no practical experience in hiding or distracting yourself from.

But that doesn’t mean you don’t FEEL every bit of it. It doesn’t mean you’ve found a magical off-switch that means you can just mind-over-body yourself from acknowledging or being aware that you are in fact in a shit ton of pain. You just.....have learned the importance of masking it, and found ways to do that by necessity.

Except, even much later in life when you are in a safe place or more control of your situations or surroundings, there’s no easy way to just....stop putting that mask on by default, the second you’re experiencing any type of pain. And so even when dealing with medical professionals, too many of them just don’t GET that their vaunted ‘tell me how much pain you’re in from one to ten’ scale isn’t really the be-all and end-all of pain measurement, because its subjective and arbitrary as HELLLLLLLLL.....and one of the defining parameters for what that pain scale looks like and feels like for YOU, is....your personal history with pain and how you’re ‘comfortable’ displaying evidence of it. (And I know there’s a ton of people and even groups of people who can relate to this for entirely different reasons, I just can only speak to my own of course). 

But its definitely frustrating and invalidating as hell to be in more pain than many people ever experience in their lives, and TRYING to convey that as openly and honestly as you can.....and literally being able to SEE the doubt and dismissal in doctors’ eyes, because all they’re seeing is the visual cues you’re putting out there and which they equate to ‘can’t possibly be in THAT much pain, not if he’s acting this casual about it’.....

And so the frustrating irony is that you end up dismissed as like, a pain ‘lightweight’ who is complaining about an apparent degree of pain that’s barely anything in their ‘professional’ estimation. And thus they’re disinclined to take your requests for heavier or more effective pain medication seriously, or not impressed by your attempts to imbue a greater sense of urgency in their approach to your treatment plan or procedures, etc......when in reality, the only reason you’re showing those cues of not being in that much pain is because you’re MORE used to and familiar with even extremely high degrees of pain than anything a lot of them are accustomed to.

Its invalidating as hell, being treated as though you have no idea what you’re talking about when you say “I am actually in a shit ton of active, ongoing pain, hey thanks, can we maybe do something about this,” when actually, the disconnect comes from you having MORE experience with MORE pain than some of them can even fathom. You just....also have more experience with reasons not to SHOW that pain, if its at all avoidable to any degree whatsoever.

THAT’S what high pain tolerance actually means, and the sheer volume of medical professionals who just flat out don’t get this, or worse, just don’t care or are too proud to reassess their viewpoints on this matter if that carries the implication they don’t actually know as much as they think they do......god, it grates.

(Once, when I was around twenty-three or twenty-four I think, I got caught up in the periphery of a bar fight that resulted in me getting a shard of glass embedded in the back of my forearm. Still have a pretty sizable scar from it. And it absolutely hurt like fuck, but I was conscious as paramedics arrived on scene and when going to the hospital to have it removed and stitched up, and like......kinda cracking jokes about it the whole time because I was uncomfortable as hell and didn’t really know what else to do or how to react, y’know? I mean, I had a few inches of glasses jutting out from the top of my forearm, lol, what the hell are you supposed to do or say about that? There’s not really a protocol, lmao. Problem was, they took one look at me sitting there with this spear of glass sticking out of my arm and making dumb jokes about it like it was no big deal......and they decided this meant I was in shock and kept trying to treat me accordingly. And it was just like.....useless, because lol no I wasn’t in shock, I had none of the physical symptoms of being in shock and benefited from none of their assumptions that I was.....I was just a dude with a shard of glass in his arm that hurt like fuck and I really wanted it out as soon as possible, and I was in full awareness of what had happened and everything I was feeling, I just didn’t know how to convey this in a way that they would believe, because I couldn’t come up with anything to say or do other than laugh about how fucking surreal the whole situation was.)

Anyway, so circling back to the point, or as much of one as I ever have, so today I was just learning and practicing various mental pain management/coping techniques with my therapist and discussing my issues with doctors and the High Pain Tolerance Quandary. Basically like, I would really truly like to know or learn how to display the ‘expected’ physical and visual/audio cues for being a person who is experiencing a ‘4′ on the pain scale, versus a person who is experiencing a ‘7′ or a ‘10′.....so they can stop fucking treating me like I’m only at a 4 when I’m actually at an 8 or 9, just because I look and sound like a person who really is only at a 4 no matter what they actually CLAIM to be feeling.

Course, easier said than done.

But yeah, so as she was coaching me through various techniques and surveying what I was doing with my body and facial expressions and cues, etc, she pointed out something that I had literally never noticed about myself before, even though once she DID point it out I could recognize that its something I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember, well back before I was ten and no doubt stemming from smack dab in the midst of the worst of my childhood abuse.

So, y’know on Teen Wolf, how Scott and Liam and various others are at times shown digging their claws into their palms and drawing blood to ground themselves with the pain? (And ironically, how I was just talking the other week about photo doubling for a similar such scene with gashes in the character’s palms, lmfao). Well, obviously I don’t have claws, and part of why I’d never really paid much attention to when I was doing it is because even my therapist wasn’t comfortable classifying it as a kind of self-harm or anywhere near punitive enough to carry that kind of weight or associations.....

But like, I’ve always kept my fingernails fairly trimmed but not completely. Like, just enough of an edge to them that at times, particularly when I’m in physical pain or distress already, I’ll just like....dig my fingernails into the pad of other fingertips, and use that little familiar spike of pain to not ground myself but rather distract myself from whatever else I was feeling. Like, she wasn’t comfortable calling it a self-punitive technique because as we got into it, it was clear I was never doing it to CAUSE myself pain....rather, its something I only do when I’m already in pain, usually far more pain than anything that brings up.....but by deliberately doing that and creating a focal awareness around it, even just a largely subconscious one......I’ve apparently long been using that to hook my attention up to a very specific, very manageable sensation/focal point of pain that lets me and my ADHD brain relegate whatever other pain I’m feeling (even if its much much worse) to the back of my mind for at least a little while, as I distract myself by focusing on this more obvious and consciously directed bit of lesser pain. 

And a big part of why I probably never noticed I was doing this, we eventually concluded, is because as a kid I probably came up with it as a kind of survival technique specifically BECAUSE it was something I could do to distract myself/manage my pain covertly, without drawing my abuser’s attention to what I was doing either. And by extension, without the fact that I was doing it at all 'betraying’ that I was in pain or trying to manage or cope with painful sensations in the first place. A lot of other pain management techniques, like even just deep, deliberate breaths, tend to be a lot more obvious and noticeable, and thus would have been counter-productive for my specific purposes. No matter how much they helped me manage whatever physical pain I was feeling, they would have at the same time inevitably drawn attention to the fact that I was trying to do that at all in the first place....and thus only invite more pain. 

Merely digging my fingernails into my fingertip pads, not enough to draw blood or make me cry out or anything like that, but rather just to distract myself and deliberately focus me on a source of pain I could deal with and more easily handle, as well as being ‘low in intensity’ enough that focusing on it didn’t bring any other obvious visual or audio pain cues to the forefront.....that I could do without anyone noticing. And thus this is likely why it came to be my go-to move whenever I was in any kind of pain at all, as just a quick and easy way to wrap my head around my physical sensations and shift focus to something more easily dealt with or managed (even if it didn’t actually dismiss or get rid of whatever other pain I’m feeling entirely). And just the low-key nature of it in general likely being a big part of why it became such an unconscious instinct for me until now, something that barely even registered in my conscious mind as I built up/hard-wired instinctive responses that incorporated it without me having to consciously direct myself to do that.

I mean, its still obviously not an ideal response, especially when I’m long past being stuck in any kind of external situations or need to fall back on that and the covert nature of it. So now its another of those things to just be aware of and work on rewiring on an instinctive level, making it a priority for me to focus on consciously using more helpful and positive methods of pain management.

But it was just interesting to me to have it pointed out as something I’ve been doing all this time, let alone being as unaware of doing it as I’ve apparently been. And its not hard to draw obvious parallels to when characters in media I consume do similar things even if for not quite the same reasons or in quite the same ways. So now I’m just kinda contemplating that and wondering how much even just some degree of unconscious awareness that I do that might have made me more alert to when characters or other people do similar things. Made me more attuned to noticing or even fixating on moments when they do things like that, that I related to even on an entirely subconscious level.

*Shrugs* Anyway, that’s all, like, literally not going anywhere with this, was just unwinding and felt like mapping my way through that all contemplatively, because oh no, inexplicable strangeness, therapy puts me in particularly contemplative headspaces, whodathunkit, lmfao. *Shrugs* Just struck me as particularly interesting, so felt like sharing for anyone else who can relate/see similar parallels themselves.

Or just chalk it up to random anecdotal wtf-ery from your friendly (err, mostly. okay sometimes. FINE ideally, let’s go with that) neighborhood over-sharer. 

the presentation of saki hanajima’s power, and her family’s reaction to it, is critical in the midst of a story where the main characters who possess something supernatural are often rejected by, if not outright abused by, their own family. 

all of the main characters have their own unique quirks to bring to the story, but our focus in put on the sohmas and the strangeness of the zodiac possession. we frequently see the sohmas react to tohru with some level of gratitude, as she unquestioningly accepts them and draws them away from the isolation that the bond entails. it’s an acceptance that many of their own family members, parents in particular, cannot deliver. some show blatant disregard, others wish for their children to never have been born; some commit suicide. (there are, of course, some parents who do accept their children, and those sohmas often need tohru’s help the least -- kagura, hiro, etc.) 

however, the supernatural aspect is not only pinned on the sohmas -- it’s pinned onto saki, too, in a way that can be read as even more intense. 

while the zodiac possession is something ancient and expected, saki’s powers come unexpectedly. she’s the first in her family to have them, and it’s debilitating. she hears other people’s thoughts all the time, knows their innermost desires without wanting to. while the sohmas know the rules of the zodiac possession, there are no rules for saki’s powers. no one knows what exact power she possesses, or how to control them.

things come to a head when she nearly kills a boy by accident with just her mind. after being severely bullied, she wishes for him to die. he then collapses and falls unconscious.

much like the zodiac possession, her power causes her to undergo severe social strains -- like the cursed sohmas, she ends up isolating herself to keep others from getting too close and finding out about her supernatural abilities. her powers affect her physically (as the zodiac possession also does, in the manner of transformation), but they also affect others without her truly wishing to do so. 

this is similar in a sense to the the zodiac possession, as other people do end up harmed because of its isolating aspect. it’s dangerous to let others get too close. some end up heartbroken, some have their memories suppressed. some parents are so distraught over their child being part of the zodiac that they harm themselves. there’s a number of harmful side-effects that the cursed sohmas don’t intend and don’t ask for.

for saki, others getting too close often means that she’ll accidentally think ill-will of them, and make them suffer in some way. even if she doesn’t truly want to hurt them, they’ll end up hurt. because her powers are new and unknown, there’s no control in how her emotional reactions will translate to her power. again, while there’s rules and known boundaries to the zodiac possession, saki is largely left to self-isolate because she doesn’t know how to cope otherwise. 

and yet, her parents never blame her.

they never scold her, or want to get rid of her. they don’t over-protect her, or hide her away from everyone else for other people’s safety. they accept her, want to help her, and stand up for her. they truly and sincerely love her and want what’s best for her.

for her parents to be shown as unequivocally supportive of her in light of her powers is incredibly important to demonstrate in fruits basket, a series that, on the whole, portrays a lot of negative parent-child relationships, often with the parent faulting their child for something outside of their control. and while her flashback shows that she needed tohru and uo’s acceptance, too, in order to find her own self-worth, as she was primarily rejected among her peers, she did have a family who fiercely believed in her. her parents love her. her grandmother loves her. her little brother loves her. though she often found herself unworthy of their love, it was still there, bracing her when she wanted nothing more than to be punished by the world.

while fruits basket is very much a story about found family, about the value of choice versus obligation, it’s important to see, too, that families won’t always reject their children for being strange or abnormal. the value of seeing saki’s family support and love her in the midst of being different, so different you can’t ignore it or hide it, is remarkable.

Survey #219

“make a move and you pay for it; pick a lord and you pray to it.”

Do you actually love your grandpa? I don't really remember either of mine. I do from what I remember and have learned of them, though. Do you actually love your grandma? I don't remember my dad's mom at all, but I mean, I love her simply for being my dad's mother, who loved her. My mom's mom, yeah, even though she's. Hard to like a lot of the time. Do you have Facebook? Yes. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? A birthday post. Do you have MySpace? My old one still exists, but I sure haven't been on it since it was current. What is your favorite kind of music? Heavy metal. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually cocaine to me rip. Favorite food? Probably like... pepperoni pizza or cheeseburgers. I'm a full-blooded 'Merican. Have you ever felt replaced? OH, HAVE I! Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. Do you ever regret making a friend? I don't think so. Can you cure mental illness? I don't know about cure, but you can certainly learn how to handle it better and alleviate symptoms. Is God good? Define "God." Cats or dogs? Kitties. Do you play video games? Yeah, but I don't play nearly the variety that I used to. Do you take medication for mental health? Yes. Can you really be racist to a white person? No shit? Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? No. What’s your favorite type of insect? Butterflies. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Larvae, like maggots. Disgusting. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? Idk and I don't feel like checking. I rarely use it. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White is a mood with my mad-at-God-24/7 ass. It needs to stop honestly. I've become so hateful about religion. Not towards followers, mind you, just the concept itself. I could write a novel on this, but I don't feel like it. Just me and organized religion don't get along anymore. Have you ever slept in a water bed? On a water mattress, yeah. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? Never tried, not for me. Sounds messy. Does your ex have a job? My most recent, I guess you mean? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? Yeah, on long drives to like New York and stuff. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? *checks phone* "Sweetie." How often do you use Flickr? Never. I can't log into my account anymore since Yahoo said "fuck u Britt," so there's no point. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend so y'know like- Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? We very much disliked each other at first, so... guess, lmao. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Eh, that's a mystery... Juan was very sweet to me, but I know he had a bad rep. I didn't really see how he interacted with others. How’s your appetite atm? It's normal. I'm not currently hungry. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? Sara randomly and excitedly texted me to tell me "Welcome to the Jungle" was on at work, which was on the radio both when I was there and she was here, so she thought of how much she missed me lakdjsfkalwe I smiled my face in half. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? Eh, it wasn't awful. It was for my school ID. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. My sis went and said it was 1.) insane and 2.) disgusting. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Go to the partial hospitalization program way sooner. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? To earn a happy, content future. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? "Every once in a while," I'd say clean Mitsu's cage. She is such a strange rat. Enjoys pets, but being picked up is a no sir. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? N/A If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? I'd probably write a poem. I know I wouldn't draw 'cuz fuck no am I doing so with a pen. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Uhhh. Idk. Anything I can think of, like lightning, I've seen because of the Internet. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? Probably like, young adult fiction/fantasy, something like that. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Lately, take one of my mood stabilizers. I need to get the box out... aaaand forget every day. I haven't felt any different without it tho so like... If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion, maybe. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? I'm not spending time musing over something that serious lakaljdsfawe. Would you ever travel to Africa? Hell yes. I desperately want to go to South Africa on the Tswalu Kalahari tour. Whose house were you last at? Besides my own, my older sister's. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I guess this depends on how near death you mean. I've been in one car accident that my mom managed to make minor only by being a good driver; realistically, we should've flipped, according to the cop. My mom just acted quickly enough. Then I heavily ODed, but I was given more than enough fluids in time to keep me surprisingly okay. I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't told Mom so quickly, and I don't care to think about it. I'm fucking lucky and don't want to think about what could've happened. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? Tbh I myself could've been in this position when my depression was so bad, but then there's factors to that that lean towards it just having been a preference versus addiction. Idk. It's not a problem anymore so not worth debating over. Have you ever been fingered? That was the first cheat when you chose abstinence lmao. What do you do the most when you are online? Watch or listen to something on YouTube. What video game have you played the most? So in WoW you can actually type in /played to see how long you've played JUST that one character up to the years (or maybe days?) down to seconds and. I will never type it in lmao. Ongoing games are v depressing. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? No, those are thankfully gone. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? Be helplessly and openly in love with imaginary demons while dating each other lmao (she's a Freeza fanatic). When and why did you last cry? The second day of school because of math class. When was the last time you drank? I think like... back on the 4th of July. Or some days after 'cuz I know Mom and I didn't finish the container in one night. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Just my piercings, really. Save for on my ear lobes because the holes on the left are fucked up, yay. I'm going to wind up just slightly stretching the first holes when I can afford a small kit; actual studs or hoops look stupid. Never wanted gauges until the holes got too stretched by the weight of hoops; now something needs to be there. Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? My sister's (who doesn't even live here...) dog Bentley. I hate him and he doesn't like me. No, that doesn't mean I mistreat a pet. He's just a pain in the goddamn ass. Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? My mom. I don't know what would happen to me or how I'd cope at this time. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? I'm happier in a healthy relationship. Do any of your friends not get along at all? No. I mean, not that I know of. What are your 3 favorite internet sites? I'd be LOST without YouTube, then KM follows up close. #3, uh... Facebook or Tumblr, I suppose. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No. Well, I do have a little book of Disney World character autographs, but I don't think that really counts. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? We use Wal-mart. Who is your favorite model? Sara is a gd model don't even @ me about it. What have you done that is out of character for you? The Joel thing is the most anti-Brittany thing I've ever done for sure. I can't think of anything more current that stands out, unless it's- NO WAIT, this was quite a few months ago, but I firmly stood against an opinion my psychiatrist made known. He's very talkative and open as hell about his beliefs in current events, and he said something about pit bulls where I was just like... um no sir. I wasn't going to be rude though to HIM of all people so just said I don't base dogs by their breed and shut up. Awkward silence and we moved on. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? LGBT acceptance and rights. I already protest by having given up Chic-fil-a okay I care y'all. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Who knows... What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? Idk. I'm lucky to not have really been told that... What are you most thankful for? Thinking it all over, probably being born where I am. Boy is America FUCKED UP in some places, but boy would I be in a MUCH worse place if I was born in, say, North Korea, between my mental issues, sexuality, and opinions that can go to either end of the spectrum. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? I love them! You can find the coolest, wackiest shit. What do you like to put gravy on? I hate gravy with a passion. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? I genuinely think I'm a nice person that has other's well-being in mind. What is priceless to you? Love, in any form. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? Uhhh. I guess more than anything, I'm proud of my distant cousin for her unwavering love for and loyalty to her daughter when it came to escaping the Middle East and her dictatorial husband. Read Not Without My Daughter, it's great. Do you keep a budget? I don't have an income. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Rested, a good night's sleep following being truly exhausted. Refreshed, oh man, gimme a hot, long shower. Who depends on you the most? Nobody. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Hell no. Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yes. I was entirely convinced the world would literally end if Jason left. That night still doesn't feel real. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? Colleen and Mom once fought after I'd ignored her, so I guess? It wasn't my wish or anything though for her to do it; Mom had shit to say by her own volition, and I wasn't going to tell my mother "no you can't do that." Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No? Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Nope. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Yes. What embarrasses you instantly? A LOT A LOT A LOT!!!!! It is SO easy to embarrass me, including second-handedly. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? Hell no, I'm most certainly not in the necessary shape, and quite honestly I'm not that willing to risk my life for random people that could be assholes. What do you think should be censored? Idk. I have mixed feelings on censorship, no matter how stupid it seems. Eh... yeah, idk. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Queen Victoria and William Clark. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? Depends on who and obviously if we're even compatible. Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Sincerely caring for them, probably. Who is a female role model in your life? My mom, in some ways. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Jfc a lot, I don't want to think about it. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, honestly. It's hard picturing my elderly days. Like I'm not suicidal anymore, I just don't really... realize I'll get there, I guess. I can't picture myself being old and alive. Would you travel to space if possible? No, too long of a trip. Are you an optimistic person? I'm a realist. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? ^ Have you ever felt bi-curious? I started out accepting myself as bisexual through thinking myself as bicurious. I quickly realized "bisexual" was more accurate than "bicurious," but it was an easier thing to shift acceptance towards in regards to yourself when you thought you were straight for 21 years. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? No sir. I agree with some of his ideas, but I hate him as an asshole person without a trace of manners. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Multiple. I'd assume most people know someone who fits at least one criterion there. Are you green-eyed? Not exactly, but they definitely have a green hue to them. They're a gray/green blue. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? I think it's beyond debate that a lot of it is staged, but I mean, I guess to a degree? You still have to fight. It's physical exertion. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Wait. I can't remember if my grandmother had cancer or not... but I don't think so. She was just old. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? An office, definitely. In my work-hunting as well as actual work experience, office work is probably the only job I could actually do that doesn't require a degree... Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? You can't know me and not be fully aware meerkats are my favorite animal. Why? Ho boy. I love social species, and meerkats have such strong personalities, and holy shit are those little things brave as fuck. They're so GOSH DARN CUTE!!!! too, and their loyalty to each other is astounding. I love how playful and curious the little guys are, and... just wow okay, I could write an actual essay on how I adore meerkats so goddamn much. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? I'm sure there are other people afraid of whale sharks, but I don't think it's common? And is an actual phobia of pregnancy uncommon? Idk. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? I hate my Android. I've had an iPhone in the past, and it was great. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depending on my mood. Most often I'd say I like sweet. Do you believe climate change is real? We can't be friends if you don't. Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution. Do you think people can really predict the future? Nah. Have you been to a lot of shrinks? I hate that word. Just call them therapists. But yeah. How often do you clean your room? Not often enough. I need to dust... Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? I DESPERATELY wanna see the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" one. Those books were my CHILDHOOD. What was the last fear you overcame? I don't know about totally overcame, but vocational rehab helped me quite a bit with answering the phone to numbers I didn't recognize. Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No, nothing on me really cracks. Well no, both my big toes do, but no, I haven't hurt myself trying to crack them. What’s the worst part about winter? The days where it's cold BUT ALSO WINDY asdkljfaklwej;awe Summer? It's too fucking hot and probably humid, too. Spring? POLLEN. Fall? Literally nothing. :') Are you allergic to anything? Pollen and silver. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Like, once. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Oh boy, idk. Who does your favorite song? Idrk what my current favorite song is. I say my all-time fave is "False Flags" by Massive Attack, but it's not something I constantly wanna listen to. I guess you could maybe say it's "Headache" by Motionless In White; I play and repeat that a lot. I've really been digging them lately. When was the last time you wore makeup? Shit dude, idk. Months ago. Do you prefer males or females or both? I'm generally afraid of men, but I mean, I don't "prefer" one over the other if he's a good guy. Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? I don't have any friends I go out with. But there's nowhere to go here anyway. Where’s the best place to get coffee? N/A Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? My dad was an alcoholic, but he's recovered. He loved (idk if he still does it) fantasy football, too. Pretty sure I got my addictive personality from him, lol. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Early 2017. Do you like cranberry juice? omfg NO. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? The Last of Us is fucking dope, but I didn't finish it before my PS3 broke. :'( I like the Resident Evil series too, and some of those games have zombies or similar creatures. And The Walking Dead game tears my heart out every fucking season. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? Varying forms of metal. Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? YouTube is ALWAYS open. I constantly either watch let's players and a few other kinds of YTers, moving windows around so I can see it and do other things, or listen to music. Do you like wind chimes? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!! WINDCHIMES!!!!!!!!!! Do you have a fetish? No. Do you have a pet fish? No. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful and calming, but not worth it for me personally. They don't have much of a personality at all, and cleaning a tank so much for just a fish isn't for me. Do you like kettle corn? (That sweet and salty popcorn) Yessss! Do you enjoy classic rock? Hell yeah, man. When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Not since I was at Sara's last. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? Yeah. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No, and thankfully I don't need to. One was very close to needing to be, but it has just enough room. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? "Depending on what I’m signing up for, I’m likely to at least skim it." <<< This. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? I had a party every year up to... idk what age. And no, I only invited friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? Yes. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? Nope. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Who hasn't? How often do you use bobby pins? Never. My hair's really too short for them. Well, I'd probably pin the right side up if I was doing something like cleaning. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Road. What are your school colors? Blue and white. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Actually yeah. Do you like Nerds candy? Yes I do.

Daredevil in “Black Widow: Breakdown”

    “Breakdown” is a three-issue story arc, the second part of Devin Grayson’s Black Widow run, co-written by Greg Rucka with gorgeous painted artwork by Scott Hampton. It is an exploration of morality, superheroism, and the idea of means justifying ends, tied up in a neat little spy thriller. I assume any Black Widow fans reading this are already familiar with “Breakdown”, and I’m not here to break down (…sorry) the full story; that has already been done by people much more familiar with the Black Widow canon than I am. What I’d like to do is talk about its most unexpected side-character: Daredevil.

    In the first arc of her run, Grayson introduced Yelena Belova, a new and (to her own mind) improved Black Widow. Yelena is a recent graduate of the Red Room who feels so confident in her abilities that she tries to kill Natasha and claim her title. Yelena is young, driven, and naively idealistic, resulting in a black-and-white mindset that is dangerous for espionage work. Natasha observes this in their early interactions, and decides that she needs to help Yelena by teaching her the harsh truth of what it really means to be a spy. “Breakdown” follows her attempt to do this— by kidnapping Yelena, surgically swapping their appearances, dropping Yelena into her (Natasha’s) life, and seeing how she copes. It’s a highly personal, intimate story between the two of them as they literally embody each other, and as the lines between their identities begin to blur.

    So why did Grayson and Rucka feel the need to bring Daredevil into this? Heck, why does Natasha? This is a top-secret SHIELD operation, and Matt is hardly a spy. It’s also clear from the beginning that this attack on Yelena is rife with moral issues. It is, frankly, shocking, and a big theme in this story is analyzing whether Natasha’s behavior is justified– and whether morality can afford to matter in the high-stakes, ethically murky world of international espionage. Yelena may be a dangerous enemy, but she is also a human being who is kidnapped, disfigured, and psychologically tortured over the course of the story. Natasha is confident in her actions, but she is also aware of how they would look to an outside observer, and from the beginning, she expresses discomfort in revealing the details of her plan to Matt.

[ID: Natasha Romanov is talking with Nick Fury in his office at SHIELD HQ. Fury is holding a file marked “Top Secret”. Natasha is wearing a hospital gown.]

Natasha: “This is the full briefing, all of my instructions. It would be best if Daredevil did not read it. It would... upset him.”

Fury: “That’s an understatement. You’re set?”

    This sets up a distinction between Natasha and Daredevil that will carry through the rest of the story, and which ties into one of the main reasons for his presence in the narrative. Natasha is perfectly willing to do this deed, but she knows Matt would find it upsetting. There is a duality present here– an inherent difference in the behavior Natasha and Daredevil consider to be acceptable. Right away, we are introduced to two different types of morality: the spy versus the superhero.

[ID: Daredevil and Nick Fury are standing in an observation room, which overlooks a team of doctors operating on Natasha and Yelena Belova.]

Matt: “You could still stop this, Fury.”

Fury: “Yeah, I suppose I could.”

Matt: “I don’t understand why she’s doing this.”

Fury: “You don’t need to. She’s a professional, Daredevil. Remember that.”

    But despite her awareness of this dissonance, Natasha still brings Matt into the operation– for reasons which are not immediately clear, given her initial hesitation. As she predicted, he is disturbed and baffled by it all… though not enough to refuse to take part in her manipulation of her victim. When Yelena wakes up in Natasha’s apartment, wearing Natasha’s face, with no memory of recent events, the first person she encounters is Daredevil.

[ID: Yelena Belova is standing in a sunlit apartment. She now looks exactly like Natasha Romanov. She is naked and draped in a bedsheet. Daredevil comes through the window behind her, holding flowers. Yelena, caught off-guard, tries to fight him, but he grabs her and kisses her.]

Matt: “Good! You’re up! Whoa! Sure you want to go another round? I’ll take that as a yes.”

Yelena: “Poshol k chortu!” (“Go to hell!”)

Matt: “Now, you know what it does to me when you speak Russian.”

    I live in fear of this scene being taken out-of-context, because while the circumstances doesn’t justify Matt’s behavior, they at least explain it. Here he is operating on Natasha’s orders, flinging Yelena headlong into a stranger’s life by forcing her to deal with an amorous boyfriend. I’ve mentioned the distinctions in Natasha and Matt’s morality as highlighted in this story, but it’s important to remember that they were also partners-- both professionally and romantically-- for years. Their bond is the type formed by two people who used to save each other’s lives on a daily basis. While Matt doesn’t always agree with Natasha’s methods, he still trusts her, and her insistence that using this tactic to rattle Yelena is necessary for the success of the mission has seemingly overridden his discomfort, allowing him to feel justified in committing this violation. It’s also important to know that Matt was also a key player in the story before this one-- Yelena’s introductory arc-- and in that story she was a full-on antagonist who nearly killed both Natasha and Matt. Thus, at this point he still sees her as a threat that needs to be subdued, rather than a misguided young woman deserving of sympathy. Stay tuned-- this will change.

    It’s significant that Matt is in costume in this scene, which is odd for someone visiting their girlfriend after (as he implies) spending the night with her. In fact, he is in costume throughout the whole story, and is only ever referred to as Daredevil. This can be compared to the previous arc, in which he appears both in and out of costume. The significance is clear: Daredevil the superhero has a role in this narrative, Matt Murdock the civilian does not.  

    (Sidenote: I like how Hampton draws the horns. They look more like ears-- like Batman’s cowl-- but they’re very endearing.)

[ID: Natasha (who now looks like Yelena, with shoulder-length blonde hair) and Fury stare at a computer screen, watching via hidden cameras as Yelena recovers her composure and becomes friendlier toward Daredevil.]

Natasha: “She’s trying to make it work. It must be a mission, she thinks-- bring up twenty, please-- deep cover, perhaps. A covert infil, maybe an executive action. She doesn’t know. And she's feeling it now... she’s terrified.”

    This is the most important Daredevil moment in the whole story. It defines his role in the narrative and alters his mindset, and Natasha’s commentary emphasizes why: Yelena is terrified.

    Matt’s perspective is never emphasized or explained. This is definitively a Black Widow story, with Daredevil just along for the ride, so this is a detail that readers unfamiliar with DD might not notice. But to me, as a Daredevil fan, it grabbed me immediately. Yelena is terrified, and Matt Murdock experiences the terror of others in ways most people couldn’t even imagine. He would be viscerally aware of every change in her physiology, her voice, her behavior that indicated fear. That reaction would be overwhelming to him, impossible to ignore-- as would the awareness that he was a direct cause of that terror. Witnessing this reaction from Yelena would shift his perception of her from enemy to victim, and for someone who cares about people the way Matt does (and all superheroes do), that would have a profound effect on his willingness to continue taking part in her torture.

    This shift becomes clear in the very next scene in which he appears-- after Natasha has confronted Yelena, and Yelena has shot her and gone on the run.

[ID: Natasha (who still looks like Yelena), Daredevil, and Fury are riding in an ambulance. Natasha is removing a bullet-proof vest, unharmed after having been shot by Yelena.]

Matt: “Bravo. You’ve turned her into a murderer. Well done. [...] Why are you doing this to her?”

Natasha: “She thinks she’s Natasha Romanov. She thinks she killed Yelena Belova. But she is Yelena Belova. She’s coming undone.”

Matt: “But why, dammit?”

Natasha: “Because I want it that way. If you’re worried for her, go and keep watch. But don’t interfere.”

Matt: “I won’t let her die.”

Natasha: “I know.”

    (I love Matt’s distress about Yelena being “turned into a murderer” when he knows for a fact that she kills people on a regular basis...)

    Matt is now resisting Natasha’s carefully-laid plans and speaking out on Yelena’s behalf. After this scene he separates from Natasha and spends the rest of the issue following Yelena as she flees through Manhattan. Having initially agreed to take part in attacking her, he has now switched over to protecting her. His sympathy for her reflects the reader’s established sympathy, and positions Yelena and Matt as symbolic allies in opposition to Natasha and Fury.

[ID: Daredevil hands money to a homeless man whose raincoat Yelena has stolen.]

Matt: “Buy yourself a new one, friend.”

    In a story as short as this, each scene has significance. This tiny moment of everyday selflessness from Daredevil is a little like Superman rescuing a kitten from a tree. It is uncomplicated, archetypal heroism. Again we have that dichotomy of the spy versus the superhero, here shown in opposition to Yelena’s behavior during her fight for survival.

[ID: Fury shouts threats at Yelena as she runs into the night. Daredevil jumps down into view and stands next to Fury. Both are seen only as silhouettes.]

Matt: “This is sadism, Fury.”

Fury: “No. It’s called espionage.”

    Nick Fury is the story’s other secondary, non-villainous character. Like Daredevil, his perspective takes a backseat to that of the two Black Widows, and he doesn’t actually do much. His role is to bolster Natasha’s plotline, literally backing her up with his support and SHIELD’s resources, and also validating her behavior and perspective. He provides commentary on the situation for the reader’s benefit, and helps to point out the themes of the story. If Daredevil is the outside observer who is shocked by the proceedings, Fury is the outside observer who understands the messy context of the situation.

[ID: Natasha is walking down a sunny street in a town in upstate New York. Daredevil is on a rooftop above a dumpster in the Bronx, inside which Yelena is asleep. They are talking to each other via unseen communication devices.]

Matt: “Location?”

Natasha: “I’m upstate, Nyack. You?”

Matt: “Hunt’s Point, listening to your-- sorry, Yelena’s-- heartbeat.”

Natasha: “Interesting listening?”

Matt: “It’s racing. She’s having bad dreams. And how’s your heart rate?”

    Here, for the first (and only) time, we are given concrete insight into Matt’s sensory experience of the switch itself. Logic would suggest that the surgery SHIELD performed on Natasha and Yelena was superficial, only changing their appearances. This would put Matt in the symbolically significant position of being the only person who is unaffected by it, who still recognizes Natasha and Yelena as themselves. But here, he seems to suggest that Yelena’s heartbeat now sounds like Natasha’s. That is such an extreme (and medically improbable?) alteration that I’m tempted to just call it a sensory snafu and move on-- particularly since the alternative nicely aligns with the story’s themes. However, if it is true, Matt equating Yelena and Natasha on such an intimate level would further explain why he becomes so protective of Yelena over the course of the story. 

[ID: Daredevil perches on the edge of a dumpster. Yelena is sleeping inside. She wakes up and attacks him, but he calms her down. Drained, she closes her eyes and rests her head on his shoulder. He puts his hand on her back.]

Natasha (off-panel, to Matt): “...Now it’s your turn.”

Matt (to Yelena): “Good morning.”

Yelena: “Poshol na hui!” (“F*** you!”)

Matt: “It’s all right. Come with me--”

Yelena: “Nyet! [...] I’m not her, not Romanoff--”

Matt: “I know, it’s okay, I know who you are--”

Yelena: “--Not Natasha, never loved you--”

Matt: “--I know!”

Yelena: “--Never kissed... you... You... know? [...] Then who... who am I?”

Matt: “Yelena Belova.”

Yelena: “Yelena... I’m... Yelena Belova... the Black Widow...”

    Having shadowed her from a distance, Matt finally makes contact the next morning, when Yelena-- exhausted and traumatized from having been chased all night-- curls up in a dumpster to rest. Despite Natasha’s orders to not interfere, he reaches out to Yelena to comfort her. It’s heartbreaking that her violent reaction seems to not be out of fear that he’s going to bring her to SHIELD, but out of fear that he thinks she’s Natasha and is going to force himself on her again. Once he manages to calm her down, he offers what she needs most, and has needed throughout the story: emotional support and affirmation of her identity. Having been given these kindnesses, Yelena can finally relax and regain her footing. This interference destroys the illusion that Natasha so carefully created and grants Yelena power. Matt even brings her upstate, where she confronts both her crooked handlers and, finally, Natasha herself. 

    And this brings us back to the question of why Daredevil is in this story. What purpose does he serve? Why would Natasha involve him in this scheme at all? She knows Matt better than almost anyone, after all, so it seems like she would have predicted that he’d react this way and mess up her plans.

    The only likely explanation is that she did, in fact, predict this-- that Matt’s seemingly insubordinate behavior was part of her plan all along. Natasha didn’t need Matt to mess with Yelena; she was already doing that perfectly well on her own. It makes far more sense to assume that she ordered him into that initial contact in her apartment to spark the moment of sympathy discussed earlier. Beyond her command in the ambulance to not interfere, Natasha seems largely unconcerned about Matt threatening to go rogue, and her "Now it’s your turn” right before Matt visits Yelena in the dumpster suggests that that second interaction may have even happened due to her direct (off-panel) prompting.

    "Breakdown” is not about Natasha trying to destroy Yelena; though her methods are cruel, she is trying to save her. She says as much when Yelena confronts her at the end of the story. Natasha wants to show Yelena the harsh reality of life as a spy so that Yelena has a hope of surviving it, but she doesn’t want her to suffer permanent damage-- either physical or psychological. She also can’t directly protect Yelena herself, both because that would negate the whole operation and because she is busy carrying out the other part of the mission-- acting as Yelena to sabotage a weapons grab orchestrated by foreign agents (She wouldn’t be the Black Widow if she wasn’t playing multiple angles at once).  Thus, she sends someone else to watch over Yelena during her ordeal-- someone who would be unable to resist helping a suffering victim, but who would have to think it was his own idea. A Hero(TM) with a hero’s morality, which-- as we’ve already established-- is, by necessity, different than a spy’s. This distinction is part of Natasha’s lesson for Yelena. 

[ID: Two horizontal panels. The first shows the top of Natasha (who still resembles Yelena)’s face. The bottom panel lines this up with the bottom of Yelena (Natasha)’s face. Yelena is holding a handgun, and Natasha is in the background, facing her.]

Natasha: “We are not like Daredevil or the others, Yelena. We are not heroes. We are tools. And tools get used.”

    If protecting Yelena is the in-universe reason for Daredevil’s presence, his role as a superhero is the thematic reason. In a story that is exploring the differences in morality between a superhero-- how Yelena initially imagines herself-- and a spy, you need to have a genuine superhero around to provide an example of this distinction. Matt’s behavior in this story is straightforward and protective: he encounters people in need, and he helps them. Of course, we know he does this as Matt Murdock too, but Daredevil-- that technicolor, spandex-ed concept of a superhero and all that that image embodies-- is the identity that matters to this story’s themes. We see Natasha’s relentless pragmatism and Daredevil’s self-sacrificing compassion, and we see Yelena caught in the middle, trying to figure out who she wants to be. 

[ID: Daredevil and Nick Fury are standing in an observation room, which overlooks Natasha and Yelena’s appearances being surgically switched back.]

Fury: “Thing of it is, Daredevil, Blondie down there sees things like you do... she thinks she’s a super hero... but Natasha, she’s the Black Widow. She’s the real deal. She knows better. She knows espionage is nasty business.” 

    If that message wasn’t clear enough, Fury spells it out to the reader (and Matt) in one of the final scenes, after the switch has been undone and Yelena has been prepped to return to her own life. It’s a neat breakdown (...sorry) of Natasha’s character through the lens of both Yelena and Daredevil, and I really love Matt’s presence in this story, even if the reasons for it require some digging. 

Mid Life Crisis: Arrow 6x20 Review (Shifting Allegiances)

“Shifting Allegiances” is a step up from “The Dragon.” A small step, but a step none the less. I’m coping with back to back bad episodes by viewing them as the filler stepping stones to 6x21-6x23 that they are. Who’s with me?

We’ll make this short & hopefully painless. Let’s dig in…

Diggle and The Noobs

I will stop calling the Noobs the Noobs when they stop acting link dinkleheads. This is not that episode.  

Rene is back and it makes me sad because I did not miss him at all. Curtis and Dinah can say what they want, but it’s not a “hero’s welcome” when the hero tried to kill another hero with an axe.  

Annnd… then a bunch of stuff happens. Listen, I tried to pay attention. Really I did. I just couldn’t because I was so bored. 

The Noobs go up against The Quadrant, but all that matters is a Quadrant flunkie has a rocket launcher and it’s nifty. I have all the Buffy feels.

Rene has some form of PTSD and is now afraid to go into the field because he might die. I guess? Is this PTSD from Oliver kicking him in the chest? Listen up Hoss, you went all Jack Torrance on Oliver. 

Actually, I think Jack may have been more reasonable. There’s a very linear cause and effect line to draw. So, here’s some tips:

1.    Don’t swing an axe at Oliver.

2.    Then Oliver won’t kick you in the chest.

3.    Thus avoiding accidental near death experiences.

 Follow this simple three step process and you’ll be fine Rene. 

I don’t know why it didn’t occur to Rene before this that he could die in the field, but I can assure him it won’t be at Oliver’s hand – as long as Rene PUTS DOWN THE FUCKING AXE. I am a little bitter. I doubt that will be fading.

Diggle spends the majority of the episode saving the Noobs’ ass, so really nothing has changed by switching from Team Arrow to A.R.G.U.S. Can we please talk about that uniform? I’ve seen flight attendants with better uniforms than that. How is this “suit” any better than SPARTAN? For god sake Diggle, you switched from Kevlar leather to polyester. The fashion alone points to what a colossal error this is.

Diggle also apologizes to the Noobs. Just insert all my screaming about Felicity apologizing to Curtis in my 6x19 review here. 

Of course, the Noobs say absolutely NOTHING in return because they are the most petulant toddlers to ever exist. Where is Super Nanny when you need her?!!!

I don’t mind that Diggle and Felicity apologize. They are the bigger people. They always have been. This is not a shock or out of character. They were the bigger and better people weeks ago when they apologized with Oliver and tried to squash this beef.  OTA has always been on the high road.

However, I do mind that the Noobs haven’t apologized in return yet.  No one apologizes to John for messing with his chip and putting his life in danger. So, the Noobs can suck it. SO. MUCH. SUCK. IT.

There’s a significantly pregnant pause from Rene after John’s apology. It’s the perfect time to apologize and he just… doesn’t. Yet, this pause highlights how necessary it is for Rene to apologize even more and how awful it is he hasn’t. It feels intentional because the same thing happened with Curtis when Felicity apologized.

So, my only conclusion is the Noobs haven’t apologized yet because their spiral into toddlerdom is a 23-episode arc and they will remove head from ass by the finale. Or at least that’s my hope. 

The other possibility is the Arrow writers have forgotten how apologies work and someone will need to reintroduce them to the rules we all learned in kindergarten. The massive pregnant pause does offer a glimmer this is not the case though.

Diggle decides he’s going to trust the Noobs (the same people who messed with his chip and put his life in danger) more than Oliver Queen, his best friend and brother of six years. 

You know what? Imma gonna cut Diggle some slack because Diggle is not Diggle right now. This version of John Diggle is having a midlife crisis. 

His boy is all done and grow’d up.  This has sent John into a tailspin. He is asking the questions we all ask when we inevitably hit the midpoint of life. What is the meaning of all of this? What is my purpose? WHO AM I?

Has Oliver gone to Diggle for advice this season? I honestly can’t think of one time. In fact, Oliver has been giving Diggle advice. We’ve all had the major case of the wiggins from Oliver’s whole and healed routine. We’re more annoyed with John than Oliver right now. This season is just really unnerving.

Sure, Oliver finally married Felicity – something Diggle told him to do three years ago. So, John can chalk that up to Oliver finally doing what he’s told. But I bet John was banking on some colossal fuck ups parenting William, but Oliver went to FELICITY for that.

Diggle, as first wife, graciously steps aside for the second wife. Then, Oliver gives him the Green Arrow mantle and suddenly John has a new lease on life. The nagging question of “How am I needed?” is answered with a new purpose. Rather than raising the Green Arrow, Diggle will be the Green Arrow. But then Oliver asks for the hood back and Diggle is back to square one. Those questions come rushing back.

So I’m equating this break up with Team Arrow and his alliance with the Noobs to Diggle buying a sports car. At least he didn’t lose his mind completely and cheat on Lyla. Although, technically speaking Oliver is his second wife (Lyla is one and three), so we could make the argument that’s exactly what Diggle did in “Shifting Allegiances.”

Never mind Diggle still has a son to raise. Never mind he’s a crucial and integral member of Team Arrow as Spartan. Never mind Oliver Queen will always need John (even if he needs him in a different way now.) These are all details Diggle can’t see right now because he’s taking a big swig from the Crazy Jar. It happens to the best of us. My dad bought a really big boat. My mother bought a new house. I’m almost 37.  When I round 40 I’ll probably buy some obscenely expensive jewelry because sparkly things make me happy. We all cope with our inevitable and looming demise, and the meaning of life questions that come with it, differently. For Diggle, it’s breaking up with his bromance partner and wearing really bad polyester.

Oliver Queen

Oliver is still on his “I work alone” mantra. He tries to get Anatoly’s position back in the Bratva… I think? I am mostly annoyed Oliver went to Russia without Felicity and we were cheated yet again from a Russian rendezvous love scene.

Anatoly doesn’t want the Bratva anymore, which then begs the question then why is he still mad at Oliver? Nobody is really here for logic though right? Right.

When Anatoly asks about Oliver’s friends he responds

Source: @olivergifs​

See, this is what I love about Oliver Queen. John Diggle dumps him and life ceases to have meaning – friendship wise. What about Felicity or Lance? Hell, I’ll even toss in William! Nope. Oliver has no friends. Not without John.

Anatoly kidnaps Oliver and brings him to Diaz, except Oliver wants to get kidnapped so it’s not really kidnapping. Dragon agrees to leave Star City if Oliver can kick his ass. I am happy to report Arrow has not completely lost their damn mind. Oliver promptly kicks Dragon’s ass. However, Oliver is still a bowl full of rainbows and gives Ricardo the chance to yield before snapping his neck. Season 1 Oliver did have his good points.  Ricardo pulls a knife out and stabs Oliver. 

I can accept the only way Ricardo Diaz can win a fight with Oliver Queen is by cheating. What I cannot accept is Oliver “I was trained by Slade, Shado, Maseo, The Bratva and Ra's Al Ghul" Queen didn't see it coming.

Source: @olivergifs​

He did THANK GOD. The point was to show Anatoly which man has honor.  It’s Oliver.

Whatever. Oliver could prove the same point by drinking Diaz under the table with Russian vodka. It’d be a whole lot more fun and less messy. Well… more fun at least.

Source: @olivergifs​

Anyways, enough of the filler. Diaz decides to speed up Oliver’s court date and we’re off to the races. Literally, the only thing keeping me holding on during this episode is we will see THIS FACE next week.

Source:  the-scarlet-archer

Bl*ck S*ren

Arrow continually telling me Diaz is the biggest bad we've ever faced and is all the evil that evil can be every five minutes doesn't equate to the character actually BEING those things.

Bl*ck S*ren’s behavior towards Diaz shines a glaring light on this issue. BS is a meta human. She can scream until a person’s blood vessels pop. We’ve seen her do it several times. So all of this “Diaz is so cruel. He burned a man,” is a bunch of bullshit and really insulting to Bl*ck S*ren.

LL fans were ready to tear the writers apart when Felicity knocked BS on her ass with one punch. *excuse to use this gif again*

But DIAZ they are okay with? I have yet to see Diaz do anything that would put him in the same league as Merlyn, Slade, Ra’s Al Ghul, Damien Darhk and Prometheus. Honestly, what does it say about BS that she’s afraid of him? Nothing good my friends! If Diaz is Arrow’s lamest Big Bad then this fear shtick automatically makes BS even lamer than Diaz. That’s just maths.

Sadly, BS is the ball in the ping pong game between Diaz and Lance. Either Diaz is teaching her how to villain or Lance is teaching BS how to be low level human.  She can pretend she’s the toughest baddie in town, but BS basically sits around waiting for a man to tell her what to do. No thanks. I’d like to order a strong female character with a side of agency, please.

This is also the reason why her “redemption” is feeling unearned. BS flip flops back and forth so many times it’s hard to believe she’s truly invested in good or evil.  She’s just hitching her ride to the man who fits her mood.

I’ve probably said this before, but I would have preferred that the writers go balls to the wall with BS and make her the season’s Big Bad versus the season’s Big Bad’s girlfriend. It just feels like a lot of untapped potential. It’d be a hell of a lot more interesting for Team Arrow to fight with the woman wearing their friend’s face, but is intent on destroying the city. Rather than watch this substandard goon clunking around and BS kowtowing to him. THY NAME IS AGENCY.

At least Lance grew a pair for half a second this episode. More evidence he’s going to die. I guess we’re supposed to infer Bl*ck S*ren’s fear while Diaz pawed her like a kitty in front of Lance, but the whole scene is just off putting. The idea of these two people snogging gives me no joy, but I was never under the impression BS was banging this bag of dicks because she was scared of him. When did we get to sex under duress? I feel like we missed a step. Ugh. I’m trying to logic my way through this and there’s just no point. 

The one thing I can always count on in any version of L*urel L*nce’s character are the inconsistencies. I wear them like a warm blanket.

Stray Thoughts

Amell was really wearing that black coat.

The blood really brings out his eyes. Pretty. Source: @olivergifs

“Where in the ever loving fuck is Felicity?” – Me 15 minutes into the episode.

Disclaimer: Any gifs on the blog are not mine. If you would like a gif removed from my reviews, please message me. 6x20 gifs credited.

Operating under the headcanon that Fates is actually just a myth / fairy tale in Fire Emblem canon, I was thinking I'd like to make a post where I choose what "character" each of my main muses have or have had as their favorite growing up! I'm also adding Clive to this list cause for the former I already had his fully written out before I removed him from my roster LOL 

I'll be following Bruno Bettelheim's model of children taking to certain characters in fairy tales because they are an externalization of whatever existential predicament they are going through at the time. I'm aware Bettelheim was a problematic man, yes, but I think his theory on developmental psychology in relation to fairy tales is really interesting ( assuming it’s his to begin with ) and I've been working to apply it to other media besides fairy tales anyway, so might as well combine my schoolwork with what I love.

As a result, I'll be using his theory as a guide for this post. All explanations and match-ups under the cut! As fun as it would be to also think up what version of the tale, ( Birthright vs Conquest vs Revelation, Second Gen included vs not, Heirs of Fate also known or not ) I'm just working with the idea that all of my muses know any and all content.

KLIFF - His favorite would've been Hayato! Kliff in general would've connected more strongly to a mage due to his grandmother being a powerful mage herself, sparking his own interest in magic, but he also would have identified with his plight of being embarrassed by his own habits and insecurities. They're not the same as Kliff's own, but he still relates to him.

CLIVE - Clive's favorite as a child versus his favorite nowadays is very different mostly because he underwent different struggles when he was younger. Whilst when he's older he finds himself fond of Xander and Corrin due to struggles of following one's heart versus doing what's best for one's countrymen, as a youth he would've been very partial to Laslow. Laslow, for him, represents a man with ties to military service yet a free heart that longs to partake in life's simpler pleasures such as asking women out for tea and dancing. Clive was a lot less stressed as a youth, merely being a noble's son who wanted to spend his days lounging about with his friends and later on gossiping about their taste in women and heroes.

TATIANA - Her favorite has always been Caeldori! At first it was because she admired Caeldori for being so put together and wishing to do so much tireless work for the army, being an absolute paragon that Tatiana herself wished she could be in order to repay the church for taking her in when she was younger. Tatiana looked to Caeldori to help her get through and come to terms with her own clumsiness and shortcomings so long as she put in the effort. As she grew older though, she revisits the tale and finds herself relating hardcore to Caeldori’s sighs of romantic love.

DEW - Dew’s favorite is very vocally Shiro. He probably gets pretty upset if you’re only familiar with a version of the tale that doesn’t include the children units. Dew particularly finds himself fond of Shiro because of how Shiro operates: he does what he wants, living freely despite the burden of being a prince and he knows it. It’s a philosophy that Dew understands and it surprised him when he was younger to totally just get a royal even if he’s only fictional. He loves the fact Shiro just kinda wants to stick it to his old man too and just picked up spears to be able to have an edge over him. 

IUCHAR - I feel like this could either be super surprising or not at all, but Iuchar has been partial to Forrest since he was first read Fates alongside his brothers. He tries to be quiet about it nowadays though cause I can totally see someone making fun of him when he was younger proclaiming that he liked Leo’s son. Nowadays, his fake answer is more along the lines of Laslow or Soleil. The truth to his fondness for Forrest is because he feels for his arc of wishing to be accepted. Even if they’re not dealing with the same things exactly, Iuchar most likely held some sort of insecurity when he was younger as not only the middle child but also being constantly on even ground with Iucharba yet not wielding major holy blood. When he got older, his concerns shifted because he was able to use Forrest’s story to cope and eventually move on! He DOES enjoy Forrest’s personality a lot though and probably got his eye for aesthetics after seeing Forrest get so interested in it.

TINE - Tine’s favorite operates based on the idea that she was first read Fates while she’s living under the Frieges and not in Silesse. With that in mind, she’s attached to Azura and even to the present day mid-FE4 keeps going back and back again to reading Fates because she has yet to move on from the existential dilemma she’s living with. She finds comfort in knowing Azura was moved from her home to another family as a young child and feeling trapped and cursed. She especially feels for Azura in Conquest when she’s placed under such heavy suspicion by the Hoshidan family, drawing parallels between Azura’s story and her own with Hilda. 

LENE - Lene since the dawn of time has been a Hinoka stan I’ll be real. Much like Tine, she hasn’t solved her existential predicament but she doesn’t revisit the tale nearly as often as Tine does. She admires and feels for Hinoka with how they both are yearning to search for someone, specifically a family member, and they just can’t give up on it, choosing their pathways in life to be a means to an end in finally finding them. 

COIRPRE - Coirpre, when he was extremely young, identified with Corrin. I headcanon that when he was very young, the mercenaries of Thracia would often poke fun and point out Hannibal’s bachelor life with statements like “Where’s the wifey?” or otherwise making it apparent that Coirpre is missing a mother. Coirpre finds solace in Corrin’s arc because Corrin deals with strange family dynamics and being adopted into the Nohrian family, something much like himself even if Corrin’s family is much, much bigger than his own. He ends up coming to terms with this predicament very quickly though, moving on from Fates to a different story soon after since he had decided he was okay with not having a mother because he loved being Hannibal’s son and also spending time with the Thracian royal family. He closes the book, merely only commenting on it afterwards saying that he thinks Corrin ought to align themself with Nohr and not Hoshido and he doesn’t understand why they would choose anything besides the Conquest route. Later on in life during FE4 though, he finds himself returning to it again and reliving his attachment to Corrin once more because of Lewyn revealing to him his true parentage: something he didn’t want to know and now that he does, it rocks his core ESPECIALLY if it means he has a duke or a prince for a father. He would find Corrin’s tale that much more necessary to cope with his dilemma, finally understanding the crisis between choosing one’s birthright versus the family they were raised with as he struggles to choose whether to return to Thracia after the war or to take up his late father’s lands and abandon the happy life he once knew.

LEIF - Leif is firmly Team Takumi and you can’t convince him otherwise. He especially feels for him in Conquest and will rant about how Takumi deserved better for days on end if you let him. I can totally see both him and Ares sharing a favorite in Takumi and them being able to potentially bond over that actually. Regardless, he has always been frustrated over his situation with his home life being destroyed and would totally latch onto how when Mikoto dies, Takumi blames Corrin for it. Leif would also as a child blindly see Corrin in the wrong and always side with Takumi. He understands Takumi’s anguish over his mother dying. At the same time though, as he gets older, Leif does learn to identify with Corrin considering Corrin’s situation as a fugitive but he feels weird because it’s not as if he thinks Takumi is any less valid. 

LIFIS - Lifis is one of the more fun ones to come up with for this post haha! Anyhow, Lifi’s fav as a child is Nyx and he honestly still probably is attached to her story mid-FE5 since I don’t think he got past the issues he held onto which made him like her in the first place. He finds her maturity really cool and feels for her since she gets asked intrusive questions a lot too. He ends up misinterpreting her situation as a form of being bullied and connects with her as a result; he ultimately sees her as how he wishes he handled situations, respecting and admiring her a lot. 

MARK - This is solely from the perspective of Mark as a young child in Bern because at this point he’s come to terms with the fact that he’s a tactician and tries to make use of his gift, making him parallel with his favorite’s canon ending actually. Regardless, under the headcanon that Mark at first tried to follow his parents’ footsteps as wyvern riders and being active in the military, he relates to Felicia. He sees her getting praised at something she didn’t aim to be ( being heralded as a good military commander and combatant and not the maid she wants to be ) and gains a feeling of solidarity out of it even if their positions are mostly reversed: he used to wish to be better as a soldier but instead turns out to be better at something off the battlefield. 

KENT - bfbfbhfhfhfh I’m so sorry Kent you’re getting one of the more boring answers I’ve written especially since you’ve been on this blog so long..... But I’d say his favorite is Saizo! Partly because Saizo is a Cain and Abel archetype just like himself so that’s neato, but he chooses to latch onto Saizo moreso because ever since he was young, he has always striven to one day become a knight for Caelin and he’d use Saizo as a model of what an “ideal retainer” is. If we operate under the headcanon that him and Sain are childhood friends, he probably also empathized with Saizo more because both of them are associated with green guys who keep getting distracted by women even if for completely different reasons.

ELIWOOD - gREAT QUESTION... i’ll be real i forgot eliwood on this list at first, Regardless, it’s difficult to think of because I haven’t really thought of nor used Eliwood enough to warrant many headcanons ( mostly because there’s plenty of other Eliwood rpers who I love to read and the FE7 community isn’t that big, so I don’t really get the chance to throw him out that much ) and canon doesn’t really give me a hell of a lot for his young childhood except that he hung out a lot with Hector and well, I didn’t really develop any ideas on what his youth was like besides that. We definitely get to know his existential predicament in his late teens considering that’s when FE7 starts up, but until then it’s a blank. Even then, I don’t really know if there’s really a character in Fates that captures the feeling of “wants to believe in their father no matter what even if he’s shifty???” Like unless you want to argue Corrin in Conquest? And the children units don’t really explore that, either being like they just like their dads or they dislike their dads. Honestly, just based on hunches, I could see him really liking Shigure or Hisame though. At the same time though, I could see him relating him and Hector to Siegbert and Shiro respectively in terms of their friendly sparring matches.

STAHL - Well, this one isn’t particularly deep or anything either, but I’m pretty sure Stahl would be a fan of Silas. He views Silas as a nice guy with simple dreams and can’t fault him for that. He does see Silas for a deeper character and honestly analyzes the other characters in Fates for that, but he doesn’t really connect to any of them. He didn’t spend a lot of time with Fates as a story truth be told. He does at least feel the whole “passing up on a former love” arc though when gets a little older.

MARIBELLE - Though part of me was wanting to say Hana due to the fact that Maribelle would be able to relate to the whole devotion to her best friend and totally agrees with Hana on her strong conviction to aim to be a samurai despite others looking down upon her, I think that if Maribelle gets exposed to Fates before she ever meets Lissa, she’d truthfully identify much more with Rhajat. Maribelle was picked on and treated as an utter outcast by all the other noble children, and she’d find comfort in how Rhajat seems to be seen weirdly upon others and gets scolded for scaring them even if Rhajat at times doesn’t actually intend to. Nowadays she totally says her favorite character is Hana though, but she’s grateful to how much Rhajat helped her through the rough patch in her early life. Bonus in that she sees Tharja and gawks a little at first, finding her so similar to the character from the fairy tale she enjoyed so much as a little girl.

BERKUT - Berkut’s choice in favorite isn’t particularly deep, mostly brought about by his own restrictions. He probably would only let himself relate specifically to royal characters with how his mother encouraged him to act like the heir to the throne that he was and to elevate himself, so he wouldn’t let himself relate to anything less. He then ends up picking Siegbert as his favorite character because it’s like Berkut pointing at him and thinking: He’s an awkward prince!!! Same!!! cause i 100% totally see Berkut being fairly socially awkward especially in childhood. He admired Siegbert’s dedication to his father and trying to become a good ruler, uses him as an example before he ends up moving on from the story and at this point probably just looks at Siegbert and thinks of him as “too soft” or something like that.

All of those questions! >:) For any/all of your KH muses, but specifically Dilan.

// …I’m a masochist apparently, so I’m going to do all three. RIP me. Readmore because wow long.

Dilan

1: Describe their routine of a normal day/how do they feel when this routine is disrupted?

Dilan’s routine has gone through a number of changes over the years, and is a very different thing lately from what it was either as Xaldin or even before losing his heart. His current routine, however, simply involves waking up (be it from proper sleep or from dozing off over his own tea), getting his day started, and then spending most hours doing one of a few things: working at cleaning and repairing the castle, training, or cooking. 

It’s a calm enough routine, he supposes, if terribly dull. Disruptions are more than welcome, at this point, because they might mean a chance to do something that has a little more importance to it.

2: Greatest strength?

His determination, mostly. The man does not give up in the face of hardship, and has spent long hours perfecting the things that are important to him. Of course, the downside of this is that he’s incredibly stubborn about everything, not just when it’s a good thing, but still - determination and an unwillingness to surrender will get you pretty far. (An honorable mention goes to his honor code, which has effectively made him rein in his temper on more than one occasion, and that is difficult to do.)

3: Greatest weakness?

His temper, by far. As Xaldin this trait was scraped away, leaving only a sort of bitterness and a hollow echo of it, but now that he has his heart again, it’s back in full force, and regaining the control he had over it before losing his heart has been… an adventure. (And his control wasn’t that great then, though he’d made progress from how bad it was in his youth.)

4: What one thing would your muse change about themselves?

…Can he remove his heart again? Life was easier without it. This is only partially serious, but he’s frustrated with himself for how complicated having a heart makes everything, even things that should be simple, like Braig having turned on them. He can’t simply write him off as a traitor and be done with him - he cares too much about the man he’s known for years. The same with Lea, even though he knows in a general sort of way what he got up to at Castle Oblivion: he still remembers the teenager who’d sneak in and (get thrown out) all the time, and his damn heart won’t just let him focus on one set of feelings over the other.

5: Introverted or extroverted & why?

Dilan is actually neither! He’s an ambivert, which means he’s not quite so extreme in either direction. Instead, he’s pretty balanced between needing alone time versus needing company. He’ll lean more toward introversion some days, and more toward extroversion others. However, given the instability he struggled with upon first awakening, he probably comes across as closer to an introvert of late, due to how difficult his returned emotions can be to deal with.

6: Organised or messy & why ?

Organized and clean. He thinks everything should be kept as efficient as possible, and keeping things clean and sanitary is a part of that. He’s less strict about things like paperwork, but clutter is something he’s never been fond of.

7: What three things do they consider themselves to be very good/bad at?

He considers himself to be very good at lancework (and combat in general), very good at cooking … but very, very bad with looking after plants. (He had a bonsai tree once, because he’d heard that keeping one could be good for your mental health … Aeleus had to rescue the poor thing before he pruned it to death.) 

8: Do they like themselves?

… Honestly? No. Not at all. He doesn’t see himself as good company or a good friend. A good ally, perhaps, but he knows he’s irritable, impatient and all-too-often in a poor temper, especially since getting his heart back. And when you know yourself well enough to be aware of how difficult you are, it’s really hard to like you. (Really, he has a hard time seeing any of his good traits, and tends to brush them off as a fluke whenever he can’t outright ignore that they exist.)

9: What are the reasons for their profession? Are the REAL reasons different than what they TELL others?

Dilan’s reasons for being a guard are, in fact, a bit complicated. Early in life he simply wanted to do something that would make his father proud of him, when it seemed like there was only one very specific path he could follow to earn that, and that still holds true - but he also came to genuinely love the structure and the discipline, and he can’t imagine himself in a civilian life now. (As for what he tells others? ‘It was a job that needed doing, and I could do it.’)

10: Where do they see themselves in five years?

He hasn’t actually thought about this, much. Probably doing much the same as he is now: trying to rebuild the Garden and the life he’d lost, while knowing that most of it can never be the same as it was.

11: How do they want to die?

In combat, preferably with honor and dignity.

12: What would they want to be remembered for?

… Not for spending so much time hanging around Beast’s Castle and bullying him, that’s for sure. Honestly, this is another thing he hasn’t thought about too much, considering his initial answer of ‘having served King and Castle with honor’ has already been dashed to pieces.

13: What three words do they use to describe their personality?

‘Done with this.’

14: What three words would YOU (the mun) use to describe their personality?

Cranky, honorable, caring

15: What advice, as the mun, would you give to your muse

Stop being so grumpy about having a heart and accept it already, you silly man. And that breakup was over twenty years ago by this point, let yourself heal properly, because clinging to that bitterness has really left its mark.

Isa

1: Describe their routine of a normal day/how do they feel when this routine is disrupted?

Isa doesn’t really have much of a specific routine at the moment, though he does have a daily ritual he’s taken up: he reminds himself of who and what he is the very moment he wakes up, and spend a few moments deliberately focusing on his stronger, positive memories to help reinforce that. Only then does he start his day properly - not that his daily routine is of any great import at the moment, as he’s mostly just trying to adjust to his state of being and stay off the radar until his other half can be freed from Xehanort’s possession. As he doesn’t have a particularly strict routine, there’s really nothing to disrupt.

2: Greatest strength?

Isa used to think that his greatest strength was his mind, being relatively smart and capable of taking care of the details Lea would often overlook in his bigger plans, but given his inability to work out what had happened to him as Saix and being marked as a vessel, he doesn’t really consider himself that smart any more. Instead, he’s trying to rethink his view of himself, and is in the process of trying to find a new ‘greatest strength’. (Really, that in and of itself may be his true greatest strength: his willingness to change what he needs to without losing the core of who he is.)

3: Greatest weakness?

Isa tries to bottle his more negative emotions, such as jealousy, anger, or even simple hurt feelings, and that’s his greatest weakness because when you bottle something up, it will come out eventually. (Ironically, the state he’s in at the moment makes it much harder to do this than it would be were he whole. However, it does come with a trade-off of a temporary weakness of a different sort: his fragile hold on himself, and the efforts he has to go to in order to cope with it.)

4: What one thing would your muse change about themselves?

Besides getting both his heard and body back together with no hitchhikers? Phyically, he wants a haircut. No ifs ands or buts about it, he wants some kind of a haircut once he’s complete again, so he can celebrate being properly whole. Other than that… he’d like to get rid of the jealous streak he knows he has. He doesn’t want to be selfish and monopolize Lea’s time, not when there are other people who love him and who Lea loves right back - but he can’t quite make it not sting, sometimes.

5: Introverted or extroverted & why ?

Isa’s another one that’s kind of in-between, actually, if leaning more toward introversion - he needs time to recharge and pull himself together, but he’s not actively exhausted by socializing. He is, however, more comfortable letting Lea put himself out there and biding his time until it’s the perfect moment for him to step in. After all, if a person doesn’t like Lea, then they’re simply not worth bothering with in the first place.

6: Organised or messy & why ?

Organized. Very organized, albeit not with military precision - just the sort of organization of someone who has a lot to juggle and refuses to lose track of it. Originally it as pretty mild, just a tendency toward cleanliness and orderliness, but all those years of being Xemnas’ adjutant made what was already a habit nigh-unbreakable, and even now he has an ‘everything in its place’ way about keeping things in order. (And a habit of alphabetizing things that he really can’t shake.)

7: What three things do they consider themselves to be very good/bad at?

He likes to think he as pretty good at astrophotography once upon a time, but he hasn’t had the opportunity to do that in years. He knows he’s good at managing people, and likes to think he’s decent with technology. (However, he will never, ever draw anything for anyone, because he cannot so much as doodle anything beyond kind of wobbly moons and star-shapes.)

8: Do they like themselves?

He… liked himself well enough as a kid, but he doesn’t like who he became as Saix, especially with Xehanort’s influence. Right now, the answer is no. He doesn’t. He doesn’t like who he became and what he did, but he wants to be someone better, now. Someone that he can like, someday.

9: What are the reasons for their profession? Are the REAL reasons different than what they TELL others?

Well, at the moment, he doesn’t really have a profession? Apart from half of him acting as Xehanort’s vessel, if you really want to count that. He’s thinking about trying to see what he can do to find work, though, so nobody has to keep him funded. (Having lost his heart and home as a teenager, however, makes that a little more challenging, even without counting the state he’s in at the moment.) 

10: Where do they see themselves in five years?

He hopes that in five years he’ll be whole at last, still alive, with Lea, and home. As an actual prediction… Well, he’s trying to hang on to Lea’s refusal to give up on him, and he hopes they’ll all survive whatever is coming.

11: How do they want to die?

He would like to die whole, forgiven, and loved. None of the other details matter.

12: What would they want to be remembered for?

He’d mostly just like to be remembered for being Isa, and not a vessel. But he really is afraid that the latter is how the world’s most likely going to remember him.

13: What three words do they use to describe their personality?

‘Rebuilding that, thanks.’

14: What three words would YOU (the mun) use to describe their personality?

Witty, loving, playful

15: What advice, as the mun, would you give to your muse?

Hang in there, and have faith in your friends. They’re pretty good at beating the odds. (And don’t be afraid to lean on them, it’s okay to I swear.)

Riku

1: Describe their routine of a normal day/how do they feel when this routine is disrupted?

Riku’s days start early, with stretching to work out any stiffness from the injuries that never quite healed correctly, then he trains for a while before eating, and after that he finally turns his attention to whatever he needs to be doing that day. Mostly, that’s working with Mickey on how to get to Master Aqua, but occasionally it’s checking in with other groups or places, just to make sure Xehanort hasn’t made his next move yet. He handles disruptions to his routine pretty well, unless it’s his morning stretching - if he can’t do that, then he will pay for it the next day and be cranky as a result, so it’s best not to interrupt him or anything until at least his stretching’s done.

2: Greatest strength?

His devotion to his friends and his willingness to walk through fire for them. It’s been one of his driving forces for a while now, and the amount of things it’s allowed him to accomplish is pretty staggering. A close second, however, is his self-mastery. Seriously, he’s still a teenager and he’s reached a level of understanding himself that some people never manage.

3: Greatest weakness?

He’s not… really that great with people. Once upon a time this was a little less noticeable because his cockiness and pride overshadowed it, and then his guilt and shame did similar, but the truth is Riku’s just a little too shy and awkward and reluctant about opening himself up to others, even when he needs to. He’s working on it, and he’s come a long way, but he’s never going to be quite the natural at connecting with people at large the way Sora is, and he knows it. (He’s also fine with it - not everyone can be like Sora.)

4: What one thing would your muse change about themselves?

Actually, at the moment, there’s not a lot that he would change! He’s finally gotten to a point where he’s mostly comfortable with who he is and what he can do, so there’s no point in stressing too much about changing anything. Sure, he’s still got some rough edges to work out, but he’s proud of who he’s becoming, and has no intention of diverting from the path he’s on now.

5: Introverted or extroverted & why?

Introverted. He can manage dealing with people if he has to, but Riku isn’t really that comfortable around large groups of people. He draws strength and energy from quiet time alone, and tends to do his own thing more often than not when given the chance.

6: Organised or messy & why ?

Somewhere in between. He likes his spaces to feel like someone lives there, so he doesn’t go overboard with cleaning or organizing, but he also doesn’t like his spaces looking like a storm went through them. Overall, he generally knows where he’s left something, and if he’s misplaced it it’s not usually too far off from the place he thought he’d put it.

7: What three things do they consider themselves to be very good/bad at?

Riku considers himself bad at connecting to people, but good at athletics and following difficult, complicated topics.

8: Do they like themselves?

More or less - he has good days and bad days, but more good than bad as time passes. He knows he’s made mistakes, and hurt the people he cares about - hurt a lot of people, really - but he also knows that he’s done a lot of good things too, that he regrets those bad things and will never do them again. So… yeah, he likes himself well enough. Riku’s put a lot of effort into making himself someone he can like, and it’s starting to pay off.

9: What are the reasons for their profession? Are the REAL reasons different than what they TELL others?

Riku’s only profession is that of a Keyblade Master, and his reason for it isn’t a secret at all: to protect the people he cares about.

10: Where do they see themselves in five years?

Hopefully alive and in a world that’s survived Xehanort’s plans, whatever they may be.

11: How do they want to die?

With his loved ones nearby. Specifics don’t really matter - he just doesn’t want to die alone.

12: What would they want to be remembered for?

He’d like to be remembered for being a loyal friend, and for being a person who overcame his mistakes and inner demons to do something good.

13: What three words do they use to describe their personality?

‘The cool one.’

14: What three words would YOU (the mun) use to describe their personality?

Devoted, sappy, brave.

15: What advice, as the mun, would you give to your muse?

You’re just as sappy and over-dramatic as everyone else is, Riku. Embrace it.

Sticks and Stones - Chapter 1

Anonymous said: this would go so perfect with lokane - “Do you think you could just please go one day without pissing me off?” 

For you, anonymous, I present the first part of the abomination you have birthed - a Frankenstein’s monster of human AU and university AU with a heavy nod to The Hating Game.

Enjoy reaping what you have sown. Look forward to the next chapter soon.

Click click. Clack.

The soundtrack of hell was not the screams of the damned, Jane Foster suspected. It was the clattering staccato of a keyboard being tortured.

Clack clack. Click.

Lips thinning with annoyance, she dared a glance across the table over the top of her monitor and met frosty green eyes that held a glint of sordid amusement, the typing only growing louder as she drew in a long breath through her nose.

Fantastic. Today was a Staring Day. Which meant it was also an Irritate Jane (More Than Usual) Day, which meant she didn’t even dare ask Loki Laufeyson to restrain his troglodyte smashing of the hapless computer. The last time she had, she’d come in the next day to find he’d swapped all of the existing keyboards in the lab with some antiquated, horrifically loud mechanical ones he’d dug out from somewhere.

A time machine, perhaps. He’d literally gone back to 1997 just to aggravate her with noisy plastic rectangles of discord. She wouldn’t put it past him.

“Is something the matter, Ms. Foster?”

She could feel the weight of his stare still on her, and realized too late that her face must have given away her black thoughts. Damn it. She hated when he realized he’d gotten under her skin. Schooling her expression smooth again with another long exhale, she plastered a smile on that felt as paper thin as it probably looked. “Absolutely nothing, Loki.”

Save for having to share a universe with him. Of all the solar systems in all of the galaxies...

Save for his insistence on calling her ‘Ms. Foster’, as if she was some dowdy old matron straight out of an episode of Downton Abbey. Made all the worse by his posh, British accent.

Save for the fact that he wore button-ups and slacks every damned day of the week, every damned week of the year, regardless of the weather. As if t-shirts and jeans were simply beneath him, as if he wasn’t just another graduate grunt like she was, slaving away at their research.

Save for the small matter of being her ex’s brother.

And the cold, cutting way his gaze had swept over her the very first time they’d met - Jane so eager and euphoric and desperate to make a good impression on Thor’s well-heeled family. That flinty stare had dissected her, taken in her department store dress and costume jewelry that screamed ‘I paid for these with student loan money’ and then simply...flickered away, wordlessly. Judgment passed. Message clear, no words needed.

She didn’t belong.

That had been over two years ago, and the memory still made her want to grind her teeth. She and Thor had broken up shortly after that, and she could never quite get past the niggle of doubt that Loki had had something to do with that. A well-placed word in Thor’s mother’s ear, perhaps. Or Thor himself, even.

Regardless, she’d lost a boyfriend and gained a most unwanted associate when Loki had transferred to her university the very next semester. And of course, he was an astrophysics major as well. Whatever had possessed him to leave the Ivy league school he'd probably been attending and come to Virginia, Jane didn’t have the faintest idea, even if the program here at Culver was well regarded. She more than half suspected it was just to keep an eye on her and make sure she didn’t get any more ideas where his brother was concerned.

The creak of a door opening drew her attention, and the rumpled head of their adviser Dr. Erik Selvig poked out of his office. “Jane, Loki...may I see you both a moment please?”

She shot out of her chair and scurried across the lab, working twice as hard to cover the space as Loki did with his absurdly long strides. At the doorway she barely nudged ahead of him with a well-placed elbow, and tried not to look smug as she claimed the only spare chair in Eric’s office.

Childish? Absolutely. Petty? Indeed.

Satisfying?

Oh, yes.

Her triumphant grin faded somewhat as Loki simply perched on the arm of the chair, one ankle crossed over his knee, the lean line of his back turning half of her field of view to dove-gray silk. His impeccable posture managed to make the shabby IKEA abomination look like a throne.

It was the Personal Bubble Game, and she ground her teeth against the urge to shrink away and let him win.

God, she hated him.

Erik’s tired gaze, the worn gray of old denim, bounced between the two of them and he sighed almost inaudibly as he settled behind his desk. “Have you ever considered how much further you could both advance your studies if you simply worked together?”

A sharp-edged smile slashed across Loki’s face. “And where would science be without a good rivalry or two? What was Edison without Tesla? Koch versus Pasteur? Cope and Marsh and the Great Bone Wars?”

“Let's not get ahead of ourselves.” Erik fixed him with a flat, unamused look that said volumes before continuing. “But in that case, you'll be very interested in what I have to say. I have an associate, Dr. Holger Sørensen, at the University of Oslo in Norway. Fascinating man, with some fascinating work on the cutting edge of astronomy and astrophysics...and it just so happens that he's interested in taking on a handful of select students for a research experience this winter at the Cerro Tololo observatory in Chile.”

Jane lurched forward in her chair, mouth hanging agape at Erik’s words. If he was saying what she thought he was saying...this was the sort of opportunity that most people in their field would cheerfully murder for. She was too engrossed to even notice that her shoulder was pressed up against Loki’s side, until he shifted and shot her an inscrutable Look.

Ha! A reaction, even if she hadn’t intended to get one. One point to her.

Steepling his fingers, Erik continued blithely on. “I don’t need to reiterate what sort of opportunity this is, one that both of you more than deserve. Having the chance to study under another preeminent member of our field and draw your own comparisons against the southern hemisphere. However…” he trailed off before drawing a sigh, and Jane felt the air in the room deflate. “As criminal as it is, with university funding being what it is these days, I’m afraid we only have grant money enough to send one of you.”

Long, slim fingers suddenly clasped hers and shook her hand with surprising strength. “My condolences, Ms. Foster. It was lovely knowing you, try not to think of me too much when I’m gone.”

She blinked up at Loki, too startled by the sudden contact even react to his audacious comment. Only when the warmth of his grip began to seep into hers did she snatch her hand back and fix a glare on her face, the furrow of her brows deepening at his low chuckle. “You...arrogant…”

Brilliant. She couldn’t even come up with a good opening salvo for the Insult Game.

“That’s enough, Loki,” Dr. Selvig chided, and Jane’s glower turned on him as she caught the twitch of a smile at the corner of Erik’s lips. “I haven’t made any sort of final decision as to whom the university will send. Provided you’re both interested, that is.”

“I am,” they both chimed in at the same time, exchanging narrowed glances.

“Of course.” Heaving a long-suffering sigh, Erik folded his arms and leaned back in his chair. “Then I see no way to pick between you other than to base my decision off of the progress of your upcoming thesis projects at the end of this term. And to be impartial, I’ll turn the final say over to a committee of myself, Dr. Yu, and Dr. Hynek. Is that acceptable?”

“Absolutely.” Standing swiftly, Jane would have tried to beat Loki through the door once more if he hadn’t bowed mockingly and let her through first in a parody of chivalry.

“I’ll email you the rest of the details. Dismissed then. Good chat!” Erik’s voice chased after them, ending in a snort of exasperation.

Picking her way back through the bramblepatch of equipment and cables that seemed to perpetually sprout in Erik’s lab, Jane settled herself at the small table she shared with Loki that held her laptop and notebook, her fingers flying across the keys as fast as her thoughts tumbled with renewed fervor. She had this, she knew she did. Her calculations were so close to a breakthrough and there was no way that Loki would be able to come up with anything half as innovative as she, even if they were working on the same concept, studying dark matter and how it could possibly pertain to wormholes. And if she got this position, she could extrapolate so much from her observations of the southern hemisphere...

“Cuanto quieres esto?”

Jane blinked at the foreign phrase, and lifted her head to frown at Loki. “What?”

Loki’s lips curled in a Cheshire grin. “You know this is already decided. Do you even speak Spanish?”

“No. But I can learn.” It was childish, but she couldn’t help ducking her head back behind her monitor to silently parrot his question while safely hidden, her lips twisted in disdain. Of course he knew Spanish. He’d probably learned it from some private tutor at the age of twelve, crammed in between polo lessons and pulling the wings off of butterflies.

A beat of silence, and then he spoke again, sly humor warming his tone. “Didn’t your mother ever tell you that your face will stay like that?”

“Like what? I wasn’t...” She trailed off, wrinkling her nose at being called out. There was no point in lying over something as childish as that, even if she was any good at deceit. She settled for glaring at the sliver of his forehead she could see over her monitor. How in the heck had he even known she was mocking him?

“I know you better than you think, Ms. Foster.” As if he could read her thoughts. He shifted in his seat, leaning back to catch her eye and stretching his long legs across the space beneath their table, crowding hers. It was obvious he had no interest in leaving her alone until he got the rise he wanted.

“Oh?” The thought of being so easy to read needled her. “Regale me with your insight then,” she challenged dryly, arms crossed, resigned to playing along for now. “I could use a good laugh.”

Her only answer for some moments was a brow winging upwards, until he seemed to have reached some silent consensus. “Jane Foster. Born and raised solidly lower middle class, in a small town in rural Iowa by a widowed father of meager means. Your best, and possibly only friend, is Darcy Lewis, an undergrad studying political science that you more than likely associate with simply because she handles social situations far better than you. Your taste in clothes is unimaginative and tends towards the...practical.” He somehow made the word seem like an insult.

“Your taste in music is probably equally pedestrian, if the occasional out of tune humming of Ed Sheeran is any indication. You have only a glancing association with anything resembling a balanced diet, your favorite color is midnight blue, you watch Dancing With the Stars religiously, and you desperately seek the approval of Dr. Selvig and his peers.” He paused again, and his lip curled slightly, as if scenting something unpleasant. “Oh, and your taste in men is...questionable, at best.”

The unspoken ‘Because you dated my brother’  hung in the air between them, garish like a neon sign. Blood rose in Jane’s cheeks, boiling beneath her skin, and the heat of her embarrassment stole her words from her. She wanted to stand up and argue, to tell him he was completely wrong about everything. To fight back against the way he flayed her with his bald statements and left her feeling naked and squirming and so very small...but what had she expected from Loki, really? Humor? The man had all of the warm fuzziness of a coral snake.

In fact, a snake was the perfect representation of Loki. Sleek and alluring in its own strange way, but cold and dangerous. Best kept at arm’s length, if not further.

To think that once, some silly part of her had thought they could perhaps be friends.

“You’re an ass.” She wasn’t proud of the slight warble in her voice. Half of her wanted to tear into him in return, to spell out just what sort of an arrogant jerk she thought he really was, and the other half was determined to be the bigger person at the moment. Eventually, it won out and she closed her mouth on the scathing response that bubbled up within her, settling instead for a scorching glare.

He scoffed slightly. “You insult me for being honest? Would you have preferred that I lie? Because I could have done that, and well enough that you’d have believed me. It’s hardly my fault that you got exactly what you asked for and then resented it.”

Jane pinched the bridge of her nose and blew out a breath, counting slowly to five. “You know it’s not the things you say, right? It’s how you say them. That’s why you can’t seem to go one day without pissing me off somehow.”

“And I’m supposed to apologize for your hurt feelings? I refuse to change myself for anyone. Even you, Ms. Foster.” He eyed her with a cryptic frown. “Especially you, perhaps.”

“Of course not. If you did, we might actually get along, and then the universe would implode,” Jane snapped, and stood abruptly, holding onto the fraying threads of her temper through sheer willpower alone.

Why her? Why did he seem to delight in picking on her in particular? What ancient god had she pissed off in a past life to deserve being saddled with this cardboard cutout masquerading as human?

With a loud clack she slapped her laptop shut and tucked it under one arm along with her journal, bracing a hand on the edge of the table and leaning in until he was forced to meet her eyes. “You’re selfish, Loki. And cold, and cruel.” She broke off to rake him with her most disdainful glare. “No wonder Thor is your parent’s favorite.”

It was a low blow. She knew it and she regretted it immediately, long before his face went white and his lips thinned bloodlessly. But whatever he might say as a rebuttal she knew she wouldn’t weather, and so she sped on before he had the chance. Survival of the fittest. “Listen to me. I will win this internship. I will prove my theory is right someday, publish it, and make a name for myself in this field. And you...” Jane straightened and lifted her chin, squaring her jaw proudly. “You will never be able to forget that once upon a time, you had the chance to be my friend.”

Suddenly Loki was simply there, her nose practically tapping against his chest as he towered over her. She hadn’t even seen him move. And good grief, she’d known he was tall but she hadn’t appreciated just how much higher he stood than her. How much larger, even if his frame was deceptively lean. A far cry from his brother, who’d dwarfed Jane in every way.

His expression was drawn in stark savage lines, and the air around them crackled with something frenzied and furious. When his hand lifted towards her she couldn’t quite keep from flinching away, more than half expecting to see the biting arc of static leap between them. It fell back to his side, and he let out a small sound of disgust.

“Let us get something straight, Jane Foster.” His green eyes, normally so frigid, blazed like witchfire as he bared his teeth at her in a mocking smile. “You and I shall never, ever be...friends.” He flicked the word at her like a drop of acid, and she flinched again from the vehemence in his voice.

With one last dismissive glance, he collected his things and strode out of the room, leaving Jane to sag in his wake. Her heartbeat rushed in her ears and thrummed beneath her skin and she felt stymied. Frustrated, for reasons she couldn’t quite name. She kicked the table leg once in a fit of pique, but only earned herself a stubbed toe for her troubles.

The smarmy bastard. He’d stolen the last word, and her exit. That was like...practically ten points to him.

That had to be it.

~TBC~

I keep meaning to make a life update post for old friends here, but I wanted to wait until it was all good news instead of mixed, but I’m just gonna accept that won’t happen and update people anyway!

tl;dr I’m graduating with a master’s in computer science soon, job hunting sucks, theses suck don’t do grad school, I play a disgusting amount of Overwatch, and my cat is still super fluffy and great

Still together with Austin, and maybe going to visit him after I graduate. ouo  He’s a constant good presence in my life, and it’s really made me realize what healthy relationships are like lmao. Hindsight is 20/20. But yee he humors all my OT3 plotting and I get to listen to him geek out about musicals recently, it’s very cute. C:

I also have a great set of local friends here, although now I’m worried what’ll happen when I move away for a job. And one of them has been studying abroad this semester so I’ve barely seen her. But they’re all A+ people and we like to play board games and I’ve even dabbled in DnD with them.

We had a stray cat in the house for a few months last semester/into winter, but we finally found a foster group willing to take him in and look for a home even though he had FIV and is kinda old. He was definitely going to die if we hadn’t taken him in, even continued vet care and being indoors only couldn’t really cure his upper respiratory infection. My friend/housemate Michelle was pretty sad to see him go, he was kinda hers even though she knew she couldn’t realistically keep a cat right now. ;o;

I waste a lot of time playing games. Overwatch is my coping mechanism for depression, I hit level 600+ recently it’s pretty pathetic. I do some comp in mid plat, and I’ve actually made a nice set of friends to play with as well. One who happens to go to this same school (I guess we started playing together through friends of friends, but those middle links don’t play anymore) and some elsewhere. So I’m actually on Discord a lot for game reasons! And GrayEmbers#1544, happy to play with friends.

Ooh, I also bought Oxygen Not Included (and convinced Austin to) the other week, which is Klei’s new game - the company that did Don’t Starve. It’s in super early alpha so tons of bugs, but I’m excited to see it grow just like I did with Don’t Starve. So much future content, and I already like it as it is.

I’m trying to shift some of my time-wasting activities to drawing and writing instead of Overwatch. Especially when I find I’m just playing and not having fun. Drew a few things recently, and have had Ryker/Veronica/Christine AU fic in the works since February (and post shit regularly on the side blog), and I’ve really been enjoying renewed character activity with Austin’s newer courier and a friend of Silt’s! Nyl/Red Lucy is the real OTP. Also, I’ve almost convinced two irl friends to play FNV, they’re probly sick of hearing me talk about it lmfao. It’ll always have a special place in my heart.

School happens. Somehow I’m going to be allowed to graduate in a few months without contributing anything useful to the world. I feel like the only thing I really learned in grad school was how academia works, so as far as Computer Science goes, I wouldn’t recommend it unless your endgoal is research or academia. Don’t get me wrong, I took some neat classes and read some really cool research, but I’d already learned most of my hard skills from undergrad so. shrugs. My research I’m being paid to do this academic year involves taking technology into hiking or outdoor settings, and I’m focusing especially on the cultural aspects of it. For example, people react very differently to a person reading a book in nature versus looking at a phone screen in nature when in reality that person could be reading an e-book, they have no idea.

Things are kind of rough again mental health wise, but I dug this hole myself by procrastinating on my thesis which I now have to write in 1.5 months, so. I want to die a lot of the time but I don’t think that’s gonna happen. But if anyone is up for ramming me with their car going 60, hmu literally.

Jobs will probably happen?? I don’t have anything lined up yet and my interests pull me in like 10 directions, but I’m looking pretty seriously into UX design stuff and possibly contracting work in tech. Dream job is still to work with virtual reality and/or gesture interfaces, but that didn’t happen in grad school (partially my own fault partially shitty circumstances) so I don’t know if I have the right qualifications.

Can’t wait to move somewhere and have a job with set hours and get more pets and build a new computer because I can.  ;~;  (No idea where yet, I just know I don’t want to go any farther south because summer is the worst.)

My older brother is getting married in November, which’ll be my third wedding of the year lol. And my Dad and stepmom moved back to the states from China! They’re in Baltimore, I’ve gone to see them once already and probably will again on the tail end of a friend’s wedding. Their dog is super cute holy shit.

Okay now that I’ve lost 90% of readers, I also lowkey wanted to mention I had top surgery over winter break, which you might be able to tell from the two selfies above. If you happen to know me irl but hadn’t heard yet, please keep it to yourself. I still identify as female and use female pronouns, but I’m absolutely loving my new chest and so happy that I saved up for it. ;u; If you’re a mutual and wanna ask particulars or about the process or anything, feel free to message me privately.

Actually, I’ve been meaning to start exercising or something because there’s actually a chance now I can completely like my body shape lmfao. Stress eating is too real though

Anger in Female Literature

When you think of a woman consumed by fury, what do you think of? Is it the classical Greco-Roman representation of a woman scorned: Medea, Electra, and Medusa – tales of anger and revenge; or is it the modern-day stories of hard-bodied feminism and black widows – North Country (2005), If These Walls Could Talk (1996), Gone Girl (2014), or A Woman Scorned (2000)? It seems, historically, that if a man is furious, it is righteous fury, or biblical fury. Its violence is synonymous with justice and honesty, and if not at all times justifiable, it is always forgivable. The story of the angry man is not one of destruction, but one of rebirth. Women’s anger bears an entirely different image: the picture of the screaming woman, her anger neither acceptable nor forgivable. It is not a story of redemption, but a story of self-destruction; a story of women who choose a darker path, and never recover themselves. They, in a way, become less stories about angry women than they do about women stricken by madness – so unspeakable to society was the idea that women could be angry that they found it more acceptable that women simply sink into depression or insanity, such as the stories of Calypso and Ophelia. Today, society’s acceptance of women’s anger is slowly growing, but it is an agonizingly slow process. The image of the Victorian woman is a hard one to break free of, it seems – the soft woman sitting at home, accepting of what is given to her and taken from her, pliable and subservient. This is not a question of individual choice, but of social freedom. Even when accepted by popular society, it is an even smaller margin that accepts ugly female anger – the kind that cannot be fixed by a gentle word, or a man’s touch, the kind of emotion that almost transcends anger and moves to rage, a scream that refuses to be quieted. When we read of anger like this, we find it ugly and unpalatable – which bears the question: why do we accept it out of men, and not out of women? A passage by Ana Božičević, from her poem “Casual Elegy for Luka Skračić,” puts this in clearer words than I ever could with only two lines:

“I want to be the kind of monster you / don’t want to fuck—”

Alice Sebold put this a slightly different way, in her novel Lucky:

“I’ve always hated it in movies and plays, the woman who is ripped open by violence and then asked to parcel out redemption for the rest of her life.”

Today, three prolific female poets have agreed to share their viewpoints on the idea of female anger in literature – their own acceptance of it, other peoples return of it, and how it has helped to shape their work. The idea of this article is to disavow the idea of anger-versus-femininity, the reclaiming (or, in some instances, claiming for the first time) of female individuality and power through their anger, and to make anger acceptable simply because it is felt. When asked whether she personally believed that anger had a place in that reclaiming of power, especially in regards to her poems (THE SERPENT NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN A SERPENT; GIRL says: I AM MY OWN TRAGEDY; and TELL EVERYONE, OR ARE YOU TOO AFRAID TO?), poet Laetitia Keok replied:

“I guess anger has always had a place in my writing, especially in those pieces. I’ve felt very strongly about the powerlessness of women, and how we are often rendered helpless. The idea of women reclaiming what should be theirs, comes from anger, it comes from a deep-rooted tiredness of having settled for less, and still that is not enough, but we have had enough. These pieces are about fighting back. Anger definitely has a place in all of that.”

One of Laetitia’s most heart-wrenching pieces of writing comes from her poem “I AM MEANT FOR MORE”:

“WHY CAN’T YOU BE A LITTLE MORE

POETIC AND SOUND

A LITTLE LESS LIKE YOU’RE SCREAMING?

POETRY IS MEANT TO BE

SACRED GROUND AND NOT A

SLAUGHTERHOUSE.”

When asked if her feelings had changed in the years since she wrote that piece, she replied:

“It has definitely changed. I wrote this poem at a point where I absolutely hated my writing. I was very angry about a lot of things and I hated how that showed through in my writing. So I tried to hide the anger in corners only to have it lunge and claw at me from the shadows. I wrote this piece while I was struggling between who I was and who I wanted to be, what my writing was about and what I wanted it to be about. I felt that anger in poetry was inappropriate. A lot has changed since then, I’ve learned that poetry is anything we want it to be, however angry and however fist clenching. And I’ve learned to weave my anger into my work and that has healed wounds I never thought would heal. So I’d like to make an amendment to this piece: POETRY IS BOTH SACRED GROUND AND SLAUGHTERHOUSE.

Laetitia Keok is both a brilliant poet and a talented writer – author of her poetry collection titled Eleven Twelve. Her poetry is savage and authentic. It isn’t until you speak to her that you understand that all that anger exists beside a wonderful kindness. When asked “If you could speak out to young, female writers that are afraid to channel their anger into their own writing, what would you say?” she said:

“Please don’t ever be afraid, and everyone looks at anger like its a wild animal on the loose, and it’s not, it’s a feeling and it is as valid and as important as any other. You are allowed to be angry, and you are allowed to make art about it, so make art. Make messy, angry art. Write like it’s reopening new wounds, write in capitals, write like you're screaming, be loud about it. Anger is so so powerful, embrace it and let it be your voice. Use that anger, use your rage and make something raw and real and honest out of it. It’ll heal whatever needs healing, bare your fangs, take heart, and keep writing.

Emily Palmero is another incredibly accomplished poet, and author of three chapbooks: 2015, NOVEMBER, and From Between Lyre Strings. Many of her poems (such as Persephone; The Stare Down, The Stone Cold Stuff; and I Wanted to Tell You That I Hate You, But I Wrote This Poem Instead), deal with anger and redemption as it has to do with women. Asked whether she believes anger is important for the reclaiming of female individuality and power, she replied:

“I think anger absolutely has a place in that. The fact that individuality and power has become something that women must reclaim because they are not granted these things in the world [we live in] is infuriating. On a personal level, many of [my] poems, especially lately have been dealing with the fact that I was sexually assaulted when I was 18, and I went from feeling invincible and safe to helpless, and that loss—of safety, of always feeling like someone is hanging over my shoulder, of fearing anything that draws attention to myself—is a massive source of anger for me, and when I consider that so many women have it so much worse than I do and have been treated in the most inhumane ways, I can only deal with that fury by writing it down and hope that other people can relate and share in these feelings and feel like they’re not alone.”

Despite the anger with which Emily Palmero writes, her initial and resounding message to female poets is one of hope. Not only hope, but of strength, resolution, ambition, and pride:

“For me, at least, writing is a coping mechanism, a way to take apart these things that have happened to me and turn the individual parts of them over and over in my hands. And so often, this process includes this anger that I cannot express all the time, anger that gets denounced as hysteria or irrationality—anger that I am not allowed to own. As a woman, my anger is not allowed to exist as a pure emotion; it is rewritten and invalidated by a world that refuses to take my pain seriously. In poetry, however, I get to put that anger into words without any interference; I can write about everything in a pure, unadulterated way, in a way that allows me to experience the entire spectrum of emotions that weaves itself into the very core of our humanity.”

After reading this message, I was drawn to ask the question: Why do you feel it is that so many people are quick to invalidate female anger? Do you have any thoughts on how to change this? To which she explained:

“Such a long history exists that associates women’s emotions with a hysteria that is so easily invalidated, and I think those that dominate society fear above all things the loss of control. And female anger has the power to destabilize, to revolutionize, to change, and by writing it off as something excessive, this change can be delayed. Because of the history, because of this invalidating of female anger that’s occurred for centuries, the only way to change this [is] through rewriting the world that we live in, and it will be difficult and it will require all of us and it will be worth it.

Breanna Schurr was the author of a collection of poetry titled Stone Woman, Stone Bird which was self-published in 2014, but quickly retracted from the internet. She stated that “The amount of backlash I received for my poetry was overwhelming for me at the time. I am certain I will be publishing again, but my mental state comes before anything.” Breanna wrote primarily about the anger she felt toward the men in her life – mostly their refusal to stand up for what they knew to be right – and her deep-rooted distrust of kindness from men. This is an excerpt from her poem “Sex Appeal”:

“I go now from the harbor of a strangers arms,

still anchored to the docks,

when I leave - he tears parts off of me,

when I speak: I speak through the splinters,

YOU THINK you will silence me?

I have tamed worse waters than these,

YOU THINK a man is ready to part the ocean,

I am a salt-water woman,

and if you choose to enter me without

my permission: you choose to be drowned.”

Unfortunately, not all people agree with women allowing anger into their writing. All three of the poets above were asked, if they could say anything to the people who attempt to hinder and undermine the movement, who do not want women to be outspoken, who do not believe anger is appropriate in female literature – what would they say? These were their replies:

“It takes so much courage to channel anger into our art, to bare our wounds to the world. We have had so much taken from us. You are not to reduce us to whispers and curtsies, you are not to take our anger away from us. It is the only way we know how to survive.”

- Laetitia Keok

“Honestly, fuck those people. Or in more polite terms, I would hope that they could find the humanity to stop treating women as one-sided dolls that are meant for their pleasure and therefore, incapable of experiencing anything beyond a sense of apathetic placidity. Women are so goddamn creative and powerful, and the attempts to stunt that do more harm to our world as a whole in the long run.”

- Emily Palmero

“I want them to know that I will remain standing. Men have been trying my entire life not to allow me off of my knees, and it took me years to find my feet. Now that I have, there is not a single person on earth that can bring me back down. To the women, and men, who helped lift me up: thank you, thank you, thank you. To the people who have told me to “back to my place”, and “speak more carefully”

... fuck you. My uprising is not your downfall. Your ignorance is.”

- Breanna Schurr

This article, though is remains at the base about anger, is also about change. Much like the female poets featured in it, though the words may speak angrily, they have hope. They carry a message of amendment, of apology, and of optimism. Speaking to female poets about this project, I have personally seen so much passion and excitement – not only from the poets interviewed, but by women around me. I want, above all, this to be a message of support; of validation, comfort, and encouragement. Write with anger, write in a way that touches people, write in a way that is uniquely you – with all of your fire, and all of your rage. Mary Elizabeth Williams, staff writer for Salon and the author of A Series of Catastrophes & Miracles, stated: “... writers need to talk to each other.” Not just writers. All of us. Men, women, dark, light, gay, straight. We need to talk to each other. We have so much to say. [...] your struggle may not be my struggle. But your dignity is my concern.” 

And every word of what she said is true – this is a women’s issue, but it is not a burden for women to work through alone. Hugo Schwyzer, Pasadena City College professor and active feminist, said: “Men are afraid of women’s anger. It’s very hard for men to stand up to women’s anger.” - but we should not be afraid of it any more than we are afraid of our own anger. Men should not be standing up against women’s anger, but standing up for it. Now, more than ever, is when female poets and writers need our support. We are working toward something great, and together, our greatness is boundless.

I would like to give one last thanks to Laetitia Keok, Emily Palmero, and Breanna Schurr for their insight and openness with me while I was writing this article. Each one is an incredible poet in their own right. Their words forever change those who read them – thank you. If you would like to view their full works, they can be found at:

Laetitia Keok: softstained.tumblr.com

Emily Palmero: starredsoul.tumblr.com

Breanna Schurr: Not Currently Online

Article by: Isaak Frank