#how am i not supposed to feel ignored or put off if u come online like youre prolly replying to someone else that isnt me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elsewhereuniversity · 3 years

Text

About Face

“Do you have any questions about your prescriptions today, uh…m-miss?” The pharmacist’s question is laced with assumptions about who you are. It’s not great, of course, but it’s also not worth your time to fight about today.

“No, I’m good,” your smile and voice are sugary-sweet, but your eyes are daggers as you take the bag and turn back towards the door. The heat and humidity are already staggering at 8 am and you are immediately made sticky by the brief walk to your car. As you start it up, there’s a brief chime of email-receiving from your phone, but you ignore it. Then there’s another ding, this time your lab-mate, Valerie, texting you.

Hey, u almost in? In like 30min. had to stop by pharmacy

K. Jill was looking for u. Also ugh that paper for tomorrow, I’m not even a birdsong person lol

Lol get over it, I had to read one of your fancy neuro papers last time. Did jill say what she needed me for?

Whatever lol. She didn’t say.

Ughhhhhhh

Jill, Dr. Dominguez, is your advisor, and you know you need to get her some figures and sections of your thesis soon, but these damn stats…well. There’s a reason you prefer spending your time traipsing off-trail through the wilderness over sitting in front of a computer all day. Not that this part isn’t interesting and important too, but come on.

Traffic is moving at a sluggish pace, of course, so you’re lost in contemplation and dread of the analyses you need to attempt running today, and the inevitable conversation with Dr. Dominguez that will have to happen at some point. As the traffic finally begins to move, you grit your teeth. Maybe it’s time to consider actually asking for help. I have no fucking clue how to do multivariate shit…You stare ahead as you inch forward, before a frustrating, jolting stop at a red light. Your eye is drawn to a kid crossing the road, wearing a grey hoodie. They look forlorn, for some reason you can’t entirely enumerate, and you glance back at them as the light finally turns.

The sun isn’t very high yet, so there are still some odd shadows stretching across the sidewalk, but you could’ve sworn that the kid had no face.

****

You manage to put the pharmacist and your grandma and the obviously-just-a-trick-of-the-light-I-mean-how-else-could-that-be faceless kid out of your mind for the rest of the morning and actually get some results you can work with from the analyses you’d been worried about. And when Dr. Dominguez pops into lab to talk to you, she is actually impressed at both the pace and quality of work you’ve delivered thus far. In fact, you’re feeling pretty damn good about everything, despite the earlier unpleasantness, so you decide to grab some lunch and hang out with some of the other grad students and lab techs.

Lunch-special sushi in hand, you plop yourself down at one of the rundown old tables in the work room. Valerie is there, along with Raul, one of the grad students from a micro lab down the hall, and Jackson, one of the general lab techs. Everyone says hi, but you’re only vaguely following the conversation as you dig into your spicy tuna roll. Something something TA stipends being cut. Which is such bullshit, of course, but nothing new. You’re just about to jump into the discussion when you get a Facebook notification. It’s your cousin, who tagged you in a post. You stare for a good five seconds at your phone.

Just remembering the good times with my cousin before he decided to be a transsexual.

And then a picture from when you were 14, a picture you’d thought you’d deleted from every conceivable online location. A picture that highlights pretty much every single aspect of your body that made staying in the closet completely untenable. Everything just always happens at once, huh.

“Fucking asshole,” you mutter, and are surprised to feel the hot prick of tears in your eyes.

“Becca, you alright?” Valerie asks, and you belatedly realize that everyone at the table heard you and is now staring. They think you were talking about one of them, or responding to something they said.

“Uh, yeah, sorry. Just something my cousin posted. She’s—she can be such a jerk. Don’t worry about it,” you say as you hastily wipe away the tears.

“What’d she do?” Jackson asks. Valerie glares at him so fiercely that he rolls his eyes and holds up his hands, “Just, like, if you wanna talk about it.”

You sigh. You’re not precisely going stealth, but you also don’t just talk to everyone about being trans. Have you actually come out to Jackson? Valerie knows, and Raul, but you don’t think you’ve ever directly talked to Jackson about it.

“It’s—it’s fine. Just, she posted a picture of me from before I came out, and I really hate thinking about any of it.” You speak with a bit more force than you intend.

“Why is that a big deal?” Jackson asks, taking a bite of his pasta. Valerie glares at him again and Raul just shakes his head.

“It’s just…it took me a long time to figure it out, and I don’t particularly like being reminded of that. And it’s not great for dysphoria, either.” You say this distractedly as you go to the post and untag yourself.

“That’s really rough,” Raul says, frowning.

“Sorry, what’s that word?” Jackson asks with a raised eyebrow, “I guess I just don’t get it? It’s just a kid picture of you, what’s it matter?”

And that does it. You stand abruptly, “I need to get back to the lab.” You hear Valerie and Raul berating Jackson as you walk away, but you’re just so very done. You toss the empty sushi container in the trash at the corner of the hallway, near one of the windows overlooking the main walkway through campus. And you nearly trip over your own feet as you swivel to double check something down below. A gray hoodie. A child with no face looking over their shoulder as they turn a corner.

****

You don’t mean to take the wrong street. It’s already been far too long a day between all of the inanity with your extended family and Jackson. And everything you tried to run after lunch was a bust, making you feel like Dr. Dominguez’s praise earlier was completely undeserved. Given all of that, you decided to get takeout again, even though you really should be cooking, so you’re walking to pick up your order. It is early evening, the shadows having elongated to embrace nearly everything, and while debating whether it’s even worth confronting your cousin about the jab, your feet simply take you the wrong way. You don’t even notice, until you’re standing in front of an empty park that’s three blocks over from where you should be. Or, wait.

Not empty. One lone figure, sitting quietly on one of the swings, wreathed in shadow.

You’ve been walking quite quickly, but over the course of a few steps have come almost to a stop. With a shiver, you glance around the area, but no parents or adults are in sight, and the figure looks young, even from a distance. 12, maybe? Maybe the kid lives in one of the nearby houses? Probably. Should you call someone? Who? Not the cops. They’d just as soon arrest or hurt the kid as help them. It isn’t that late, leaving the kid be is probably the most prudent course of action.

But. The kid feels…familiar. Even from a hundred meters, you can see that their shoulders are hunched, their hands are tight on the chains of the swing. The gentle creaking as those chains move with the slight shifts of the kid’s body is despondent in a way that is known to you, somehow. So, against your better judgement, you leave the sidewalk and walk across the damp grass to the edge of the playground. When you step onto the sand, the kid’s head jerks up and their shoulders tense further, raising almost to their ears. You stop walking and from the new angle a streetlight throws the kid’s grey hoodie into stark relief.

“Are-are you okay?” you have to clear your throat to get the words out and your voice sounds weak and tinny in the still, silent park.

The shoulders shrug. The kid is also wearing jean cutoffs, their scuffed sneakers unlaced.

“Do you need me to call someone?”

A sharp shake of the head, and then their hands release the chains and fall into their lap.

“Don’t need anything,” the kid’s voice is low, you can barely hear what they’re saying. Gingerly, you take the last few steps to the swing set and awkwardly settle into one of the worn rubber seats. Only after you have already done this do you think to question why you are so compelled to talk to this child who—maybe? how?—has been dogging you all day.

“I said I don’t need anything,” the kid says in an emotionless voice. Their face is still completely shadowed by their hood and shaggy hair.

“I just—look, kid, I think I��ve been where you are, and—”

The kid cuts across you, “I tried to tell them today. But I…couldn’t, I didn’t know how to, so I just ended up saying I like girly shoes and wanted some or whatever.”

Oh. So you were right. You know exactly what’s going on. In fact, you’re pretty sure you had that precise conversation, once.

“That’s tough,” you acknowledge, slowly pushing back in the swing, which creaks beneath you, “It took me a long time too.”

There’s silence. Then:

“That’s what I was worried about.”

You start and quickly glance over at the kid, who has finally turned to face you.

She doesn’t have a face, which, you suppose, really shouldn’t be a surprise. You weren’t seeing things, earlier. There’s just a smooth expanse of dark olive skin. The featureless head tilts to one side and she speaks again.

“I thought you might recognize me.” The voice is plaintive. With every word, you feel a sense of vertigo, like there is a mouth, somewhere, that is making those sounds, that it’s right in front of you, but you cannot perceive it.

You are breathing very rapidly, “I thought—how do you know me? What’s, I mean—”

“This?” the kid gestures at her face, “I don’t know, I can see but I can’t see myself, I dunno what’s going on. All I know is I was walking to the park and then I was here, or I mean, on the road this morning and saw you and I followed you and I just want to go home or just sleep or just melt away but I can’t, okay? There’s just nothing.”

Without noticing, you have sprung to your feet and are backing away from the faceless girl, the faceless girl who can’t tell her parents who she is. Who you are.

“I didn’t want to think about it,” you whisper. Why are you even responding to this? This is a hallucination, or a dream. You’re just reacting to the whole bullshit situation with your cousin and Jackson and that fucking pharmacy tech. Did you fall asleep back in the lab, is that it? You pinch yourself, but no luck, “I came out and that was what I needed. Okay? Why dwell on, on, on all of that shi—stuff that happened before?”

The girl is still sitting placidly in the swing, though her hands are once again clenched around the chains.

“I knew you were me, I guess. So I followed. I don’t think anyone else notices me either, not that that’s anything new,” The note of bitterness in her voice cuts you to the bone, “I thought maybe you—me, future me, whatever—would be able to…fix me? But nothing’s changed, has it?”

You’re backed up to the slide now, “Why are you doing this? What even are you?”

You slump against the side of slide, your knees suddenly weak, “This cannot—this is bullshit, I don’t know how you’re doing this, but—”

The faceless girl is in front of you now, hands jammed into the front pocket of her hoodie. She stands there, contemplating her future self, “I just want to understand,”

The kid, proto-Becca, or whatever or whoever she is, sure sounds like a kid desperately trying to make sense of something, and not some ghoulish nightmare creature.

“Just stop,” you say in a hoarse voice, “I just don’t want to think about it, I shouldn’t have to think about it, I just want to move forward.”

“Yeah,” proto-Becca abruptly falls to her knees, and draws them up to her chest. It takes a few seconds for you to understand the sounds that the kid is making are sobs.

You hug your own knees and contemplate getting up and running away and just forgetting about all of it: this faceless phantom of your childhood self, your relatives’ inability to accept your reality, the absurd, useless, pointless stats and analyses. You’re crying too, desperately trying to refocus on the here and now, instead of being drawn down into the rabbit hole of loneliness and regret and fear that always consumes you when you think too hard about those years in which it felt like your whole body was turning against you and you couldn’t find any satisfactory explanations for what you were feeling.

But the sounds of proto-Becca, of proto-you, sobbing into her knobbly knees bring you back to the present. Ironic, that. No matter what else, however she got here, whatever happened to her face, she’s a kid. She’s a kid. She’s. A. Kid. You were a kid.

You furiously wipe your eyes and nose and sit up, scooting a bit closer to proto-Becca.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” you say in as steady a voice as you can manage, “I was scared, and, and, and I lashed out. It’s not your fault, kid.”

She doesn’t lift her head, but the sobs are quieter.

“I mean, kid, no offense, but you don’t have a face. And somehow you’re me, right?” Okay, that came out meaner than you meant it to, “The truth is that I’ve done my best to forget pretty much everything that happened back when I was…you, I guess. But I can’t.”

She sniffles, “I’m trying to tell them, I am. But the boys at school, every time I try to talk to Mom or Dad I see those boys laughing and yelling and coming at me and I can’t, I don’t—know how I ended up here, or what to do about this or anything. I just want things to be normal.”

And, finally, you get it. Not why she’s here, or how, or what any of this means, but, at least, what to do. You’ve tried to help kids who were like you before. You’d never have told them that they needed to keep their feelings concealed, that they needed to not do anything so as to avoid reminding you of your own past. So why, then, are you doing it to yourself?

“Is it okay if I come sit next to you, maybe give you a hug?” you ask, as gently as you can.

You get a glimpse of the faceless face from behind the curtain of hair, “I—I think so?”

You get to your feet, a task far more laborious than you feel it should be, and cross to her. When you plop down by her side, she twitches, but it’s toward you. Slowly and carefully, you wrap an arm around her narrow shoulders, and hold her close. She’s still crying, and the hood has slipped from her dark curls.

“It’s okay that it’s taking time,” you say, “It’s really, really hard. I meant that. There’s…nothing out there. No one to explain to you, to, uh, us, what these feelings mean, really. I remember. I remember how much it feels like you’re just stuck in the same looped computer program. Endlessly completing the same actions with no idea why, only feeling like something isn’t right. And so scared of what happens if you do anything that breaks that loop.”

“That’s pretty much it,” she says with a note of wait, that wasn’t completely in my head???, “I don’t see how I can explain to anyone, especially Mom and Dad.”

“I think all you can do is be honest. There are some resources out there, although maybe they aren’t published yet,” you glance sideways at her, “But if you just…elucidate those feelings you’ve been sitting on, it at least opens the door to them comprehending.”

“I guess so,” she sighs, and then giggles, “But also, like, no offense, that was, like, a really freakin’ pretentious way to say that.”

You snort and ruffle her hair, “Whatever. Something for you to look forward to, then.”

She’s quiet for a bit and then, quick like a bird, she wraps her arms around you too, “So I’m gonna tell them, then?”

You shrug, “When you’re ready. Whenever that is. And I promise, you are no lesser if it takes a while. Okay?”

“But you’re still going to hate thinking about me, right? I mean, about how long it took me, you, to finally do it?” her head tilts.

You sigh, “I don’t know. It’s hard, I won’t pretend it isn’t. But I think I can at least say that it’s okay. That it’s not my, or your, fault.”

When you look up, her face appears. Smile first. Broad and full of braces, her quick and nervous brown eyes darting to your face and then back to her knees.

“You’ll be fine,” you say, giving her one last squeeze, “I’m the living proof, right?”

Her laugh lingers in the air as she fades away.

#transroadwarrior #stories #long post #about face #body horror #of the faceless variety #trans #transphobia #briefly #becca #proto becca #submission

128 notes · View notes

vintagedolan · 4 years

Text

sweet creature (egd)

ethan hates when he has to leave you for even a few days, so when he gets back, he has a little surprise planned

word count: 4.3k

warnings/tags: fluff, and then some smut to round it out WOO we goin through it today ladies and gents, harry styles (music) is involved :)

dedicated to my bruna bby ( @ethanhes ) who is so strong and the sweetest girly I know. I love you!!

feel free to send in requests! and check out my masterlist if you wanna :)

Like hell you were gonna make another trip - you slid the last grocery bag onto your arm, ignoring how they were digging into your skin as you started your walk into the house. If anyone had watched you try to navigate your way in the door, it probably would have been quite the sight. But you succeeded, emerging into an empty kitchen, heaving the heavy bags up onto the counter.

Usually, you’d yell down the hall, summon the boys to help you unpack. But it would be futile - no one was home. Not even Sterling was around - the three of them were off on Wakeheart business, at the factory in Arizona where everything was actually produced so they could approve all the candle production.

You’d gotten a few pictures from the trip - bright colorful sunsets, Grayson and Sterling smiling from across the table at breakfast. But your favorites were the stupid little selfies he kept sending. Your phone buzzed in your pocket as if on cue.

Another snapchat from Ethan, this time of him with a metal straw trapped between his teeth and big smile on his face. Adorable, as always.

cold brew mood. miss you x was the caption that flitted across the screen. You screenshotted it just in time. The next buzz was a text from him.

why you screenshot

cause you looked cute

send me one back, I miss you

You rolled your eyes at that, deciding to make him wait for a minute while you started to put the groceries away. You’d only unpacked two bags before your phone buzzed again.

hey

show me ur face

omg gimme a minute 😂

im putting away the obscene amount of oat milk I just bought

DID THEY HAVE THE GOOD KIND

yep. bought three cartons

holy shit I love you

gray says he loves you too

but I love you more

You sent him a quick snapchat to appease him, unsurprised when you got the notification that he’d screenshotted it. He always got like this when he was away - even more clingy than usual, constantly wanting to communicate with you somehow. You had to admit, you loved the idea that you were always on his mind when he wasn’t with you, even if it did mean you felt like you were constantly on your phone.

what else are you doing today?

idk might lay out by the pool for a while

without me? 😔

you should go shopping

You frowned at your phone, looking at the few boxes of pasta you had left to put away before you typed back with a huff.

I literally just got back from the grocery what do u mean

not that kind of shopping

fun shopping. like for clothes

The thought was tempting - with everything going on, you hadn’t gotten anything new in months. To be fair though, you hadn’t really needed anything new - you were just hanging around the house anyways.

do you want me to go so I’ll stop wearing all your clothes

yes

kidding baby you know I don’t care. but you should get some new stuff, you deserve it! just use my card

I hate using your card

It wasn’t a lie. Ethan had gotten you a credit card linked to his personal account for emergencies almost six months ago, and you’d only used it a handful of times when he insisted. You never wanted him to ever think that you cared about him for his money.

I’d be buying whatever you find if I was there, it’s the same thing

You grinned to yourself, plan already hatching. He didn’t say what you had to buy. You’d just get something small - a pack of socks, or a basic tee - with his card, and pay for the rest of it yourself.

alright alright, fine

But his next text had you rolling your eyes. He knew you too well.

and you have buy real clothes. like at least one dress

Even though he wasn’t there to see it, your eyes squinted in accusation.

why a dress?

you’re being sus what’s this about

you’re so stubborn holy shit. I was gonna buy you dresses for the harry concert so I want you to pick some out for yourself

Damn. You’d almost forgotten that the concert was supposed to be that night. Ethan had bought the two of you tickets back when they went on presale, using his connections to get the two of you amazing seats. E had been almost as bummed as you when it got postponed, disappointed that the night he’d had planned for you had fallen through.

it got rescheduled to august baby, we can go shopping then!

i’m impatient

omg really? I had no idea

just go buy some dresses and send me pictures. we’re back at the factory, gotta go. I love you!

love you too!

Knowing that if you sat down you probably wouldn’t get back up, you turned back to the door with a sigh, grabbing your keys and wallet from where you’d just stowed them, heading back out to the car.

You climbed into Ethan’s Tesla, hitting your preset button on the door so the seat moved forward to where you could reach the pedals. He always insisted you take his car if he couldn’t drive you, always wanting you to be the safest you could be. It was still a bit intimidating to drive something so expensive, but you did it anyways, heading to the mall that housed most of your favorite stores with your mask on.

It turned out to be one of those days where nothing caught your eye. You really looked, scoured through the racks, hoping to find anything that looked remotely appealing or like your style. You even tried on a few that you had hopes for, but they were a bust.

Feeling defeated you stopped for a while and got some coffee, sitting and people watching as everyone passed in their masks. Your eyes wandered to another store, one you rarely went into - it catered to your style perfectly, but everything was far out of your price range.

But looking couldn’t hurt. Right?

That backfired as soon as you walked in, smelled that perfect fragrance that seemed to dust all the soft fabrics in the place.

Before you knew what you’d done, you had so many options thrown over your arm that it was starting to ache.

You stopped looking, headed to a dressing room to try and narrow down your search. Some of them were automatic no’s, the cut not flattering or the color clashing with the undertones in your skin.

But there were three winners - a tight green one that hugged your curves, a casual denim overall number that would look adorable with the right shirt, and a blue sundress that tied into a bow at the back, the fabric brushing your upper thighs.

You snapped pictures in each one, knowing Ethan would help you decide. Your bet was on the green one - he was a man, after all. But his response just made you roll your eyes.

you look hot as fuck

buy all three

yes

they’re expensive

I didn’t ask how much they cost. You like them all. therefore, you buy them all

it’s simple really

ethan

y/n

just tell me which one is your favorite please

if you don’t buy all three i’m just gonna go back and buy them for you later

or I’ll order them and have them shipped to the house

stop

getting online now 😌

stop it

placing an order 😌 😌

ethan grant

last chance

fine

im sticking my tongue out at you. you can’t see it but I am

ouch, im hurt

are you headed home after you buy them?

well I’m sure as hell not spending anymore money, so yeah. why?

just wondering where my girl’s gonna be. drive safe. you took the tesla right?

of course I did.

good. hurry home. but don’t hurry too much. safety first

You quirked an eyebrow at the last text - he was being so odd. He’d only been gone for two days, usually it wasn’t this bad for him. Who knew what he’d be like tomorrow before he got home.

Changing back into your clothes in a hurry, you put your rejects out on the return rack and carried your three choices to the register, trying not to listen to the total before you put Ethan’s card in the reader.

You left the mall swiftly after that, trying to ignore the eyes on you. In reality, no one was probably looking at you, but you felt like everyone was staring as you carried your expensive bag and got in a fucking tesla. You never understood how Gray and E could walk around with such expensive things and not be fazed in the slightest.

The drive home took longer than you would have liked considering the traffic you got caught in, but you just turned your music up, humming along as you crawled down the road towards your exit. When you finally got there you let the tesla take over, pulling you off the interstate and starting down the smaller roads that led to the house.

Your first clue was when the song changed. At first you didn’t think much of it - you had every Harry song saved to your library, it wasn’t unusual for one to come up.

But then, one verse into Fine Line, it skipped, the intro of Two Ghosts starting. 30 seconds later? Falling started to play through the car.

“What the fuck?” You muttered, quickly switching off autopilot, afraid that the car may be glitching. It was only a few more minutes until you got to the house, and in that time the song switched again twice, all Harry songs.

When you pulled into the driveway and put the car in park, your phone buzzed with your second clue.

welcome home baby

omg are you watching the cameras? that’s creepy as fuck

also the tesla just got super weird but I swear I didn’t fuck up your car

just come inside

You obliged, grabbing your bag and heading into the house.

Clue number three was that the pasta boxes you’d left on the counter were gone, put away no doubt on the shelf that you couldn’t reach. You froze.

Someone was in the house.

You only had a moment to be scared before Ethan appeared around the corner, your favorite grin adorning his face.

“Boo.”

You dropped the bag, running the few steps it took to get to him before you threw your arms around him, breathing him in as he hugged you to him tightly.

“You guys weren’t supposed to be home until tomorrow!”

“Caught an early flight so I could surprise my girl. Gray and Ster are still in Arizona.” He leaned back so you could look at him, shrugging as if it was no big deal that he’d cut his trip short just to come home to see you.

“Didn’t you have stuff you needed to do?”

“No, we knocked it out today.”

“Then why didn’t Grayson come ba-”

His lips were on yours then, catching your words as he kissed you hard, a hand coming up to your cheek, thumb running over your cheekbone. “Are you gonna keep asking me questions, or are you gonna let me actually surprise you.”

“There’s more?” The butterflies that only he could bring fluttered in your stomach, and you bit your lip, looking up at him. He leaned down past you, reaching for the bag you’d dropped, placing it back in your hands.

“Maybe. Go put on one of your new dresses, then come out back.” He pressed a quick kiss to your lips before he let go. “Hurry.”

“Okay!” You were practically giddy as you hurried back to Ethan’s room, laying the dresses out on the comforter and trying to decide on one. It took a few minutes, a few switches of holding them up to you in the mirror before you settled on the blue sundress, situating the big sewed bow in the middle of your back. It had a built in bra that was surprisingly comfortable, making it the easiest choice.

Shoving your dresses back in the bag, you didn’t even bother with shoes. You just headed straight for the backyard - but you froze in the living room, taking in the sight through the doors.

The sun was setting on the horizon, painting the sky a baby purple, the clouds a pop of pink as they floated, scattered around. The city was starting to light up below you, and the moon hung high above it. But your eyes were on something - someone - entirely different.

Ethan was standing in the grass, wearing one of his nice pairs of shorts and a short sleeve patterned button down - you hadn’t even noticed his outfit earlier, you’d been too excited to see him. He was holding a bouquet of sunflowers in his hands, the petals bright yellow even in the dim light.

He caught sight of you through the glass and immediately hid the flowers behind his back as he stood up straight and smiled like a guy coming to the front door to pick you up for prom.

You pulled the door open, stepping out into the cool California air. It felt almost cold against your flushed cheeks as Ethan looked you up and down, letting out a low whistle.

You just laughed, stopping a few steps in front of him and waiting for whatever he had planned.

He whipped the flowers around with a grin, holding them out for you with one hand, leaving his other arm tucked behind him. “Happy concert night!”

What you didn’t see was the remote in his other hand. He clicked it with his thumb, and the whole back yard lit up. There were twinkling christmas lights lining the roof and wrapping around the tree to the side of the house. He’d brought out Grayson’s projector and pointed it at a white sheet he’d hung up - you watched it for a moment, laughing when you realized it was projecting a slideshow of the pictures you two had taken together over the last year. And finally, you noticed the speakers had turned on, starting to play one of your favorite songs. Sweet Creature.

“E-”

“I know it got rescheduled, and we’ll have so much fun when we go. But, I still wanted to make tonight special. So, it’s kinda just date night, but... Harry Styles edition?”

Closing the gap with a few steps you threw your arms around his neck, flowers and all, so you could kiss him.

“I love you so much,” were the only words you could find, and you hoped he knew how much you truly meant them.

“Love me enough to dance with me?”

You froze at that - you weren’t much of a slow dancer, and Ethan had even less experience than you did. But the thought of staying so close to him made your heart flutter, so you nodded, letting go for a moment so you could sit the flowers down safely in the grass.

He pulled you back into his arms, hands settling on your waist as yours went around his neck. His fingertips ghosted over the bare skin on your back below the bow, sending shivers up your spine.

It didn’t matter that Sweet Creature was a tiny bit fast for a slow dance - the two of you weren’t doing more than swaying back and forth anyways, foreheads touching, totally lost in each other.

He spun you a few times, even throwing in a little dip that made you both laugh before he kissed you, leaving you a bit breathless when he pulled you back up to standing.

“You bring me home,” he sang, slightly off pitch and so quiet you could barely hear, but it was so sweet that it even brought a few tears to your eyes. You blinked them away so you could see his face as you both smiled.

The energy picked up a bit as the songs continued to shuffle, Carolina coming on next. You both jumped around hand in hand, looking like total idiots you were sure, stomachs sore from laughing at and with each other by the end. You paused a few times throughout the next songs to watch the slideshow, laughing at some of the pictures he’d chosen, remembering the stories behind them.

When Sunflower came on, Ethan opened his arms again for a dance and you quirked an eyebrow.

“You know, Mr. Styles doesn’t have as many romantic songs as I thought he did. This one’s not bad though,” Ethan mumbled as the two of you swayed back and forth quickly, spinning around and around.

“This song isn’t even romantic, it’s about him missing his ex,” you explained.

“You analyzed those lyrics hard huh.”

“Oh don’t act like you haven’t dissected every Cudi song five times over.” You squinted your eyes at him in accusation and he just laughed.

“Touché, touché. Maybe the sunflowers weren’t the best Harry related gesture then huh.”

“I still think they’re beautiful,” you reassured him.

“Thought it would kinda be weird to give you a watermelon. Though, I guess that would have sent a much clearer message.”

The mischief in his eyes told you he knew exactly what that song was about.

“A little on the nose, don’t yah think?” You scrunched up your nose at him as if to prove your point. He reached out for your hand and you laced your fingers with his.

“Never.”

And then he was walking, half pulling half guiding you back into the house, through the glass doors, down the hallway, into the bedroom. Your skin was hot, partially from the change in temperature, partially from the hands that were wandering over your skin as soon as the door was closed.

Ethan’s hands traced down your arms, fingertips over skin, then over fabric when he got to your waist, further down to your thighs and then you were gasping as he found his way under your skirt. His hands spread out, large and commanding over your ass, resting there for a moment, squeezing before he moved north, fingers hooking into your panties, guiding them down until they fell off and you could step out of them.

Your fingers found the buttons of his shirt, blindly undoing them as he kissed you. You found yourself pausing, hands tracing over the new yet familiar skin that revealed itself with each one you managed to loosen until finally, finally it was open and you could push it off his shoulders.

His hand found the bow, roughly starting to tug until you reached back and caught him.

“Baby don’t pull. It’s sewed, it doesn’t come undone,” you cautioned, barely pulling back, unwilling to put any space between the two of you.

“Stupid,” he grumbled, pouting a bit until he realized that he could pull the fabric off your shoulders, freeing your chest. He hummed a bit in satisfaction, hands moving to squeeze your tits, and then he was kissing them, sinking lower, lower until his knees hit the floor.

“Oh fuck,” you squeaked, knowing exactly what was about to happen.

Ethan looked up at you from his knees with a teasing grin and a quirked eyebrow, waiting for your permission. You nodded, trying to breathe as his hands ghosted up your thighs, up to your hips.

And then he ducked his head so he could get under the fabric of your skirt, ready to get to work.

Your knees buckled as soon as you felt him, tongue warm and flat against you. One of his hands came down, tracing over your skin until he got to your calf, lifting it just barely and pushing it out to widen your stance.

You whimpered as he sped up, his satisfied hums adding to the sensation in a way that had your legs starting to shake already. Your hands dropped to his head, and you pushed the fabric off the top of it so you could get to his hair, tugging. It just made him go harder, burying himself deeper. You folded forward, bracing on his shoulders, overwhelmed as you alternated holding you breathe and gasping for air, squirming.

“E, Ethan stop, my legs are gonna give out, wait,” you gasped, pulling on his hair.

He paused, ducking out from under your dress and smiling up at you, lips swollen and pride booming.

“That’s the best compliment you’ve ever given me I think. But I’m not done yet, lay down.”

You did as he said, turning around and climbing onto the middle of the bed before collapsing onto your back, rolling over and looking for him. Ethan was one second behind you, crawling above you to hover over you then duck down to kiss you hard yet somehow sweet at the same time.

It was instinct to reach down to his waist, let your fingers ghost over his waistband, tuck underneath it in a blind search. He sucked in a breath through his teeth when you wrapped your fingers around the tip. He shook his head at you, making you pout.

“Tonights about you, not me.”

“But I want to.”

“Raincheck. Best fucking raincheck ever, but raincheck. Just lemme take care of you.”

He kisses you until you forget your argument - you’re putty in his hands as his lips trail back down. He pushes all the fabric of your dress together so it’s just a band around your tummy and then he picked up where he left off.

“Fuck E, just like that, oh god.” You were squirming again in a matter of moments, his stubble rough against your thighs as he worked you over. He felt your body tense up under his hold, smiling as he gave it all he had, giving that extra little push that sent you tumbling, clenching, writhing over the edge.

He peppered kisses to your thighs as you caught your breath, and then he reached up, fists closing around all the fabric of your dress.

“Lift your hips up,” he instructed, waiting for you to bridge up so he could wiggle the dress off over your hips. He tossed it towards the closet, moving back up towards your face, bed dipping down with his weight.

“No fair,” you pouted, reaching down to tug at his shorts and boxers.

“And I’m the impatient one.”

He stood back up off the bed, quickly shoving down the clothing he had left and stepping out of it.

“Much better.” You grinned wide when you saw he was blushing at your words. “C’mere.”

He happily listened, crawling back above you and dropping a bit of his weight down as he sunk to his forearms.

“So missionary is the way to your heart huh? So vanilla.” He bumped his nose against yours.

“You have a pretty face, sue me,” you laughed, bringing your hands up to his neck and pulling him down for a kiss as he dropped his hips, searching for just a moment before he pushed inside.

You’d lost count of how many times the two of you had been just like this, intertwined and enthralled with each other, but you knew you’d never get tired of it as long as you lived.

“I love you.” It came out as a breath when he bottomed out, his lips resting on your shoulder, back curled up at an angle that let you feel every muscle, every ridge of his body.

“I love you. You’re my dream, you know that?” He started to rock his hips, unwilling to go too far from you as you clung to his back, relishing in the feeling of him on you, in you, all around you.

This would always be your favorite way to be with him - sweet and soft, just your bodies together, nothing else. You couldn’t think of anything better.

He shifted just barely, thrusting in at a different angle. You knew he was searching, and you gasped when he brushed against your g spot, your whole body shuddering.

“There she is,” he whispered, a prideful grin on his face as he hit it over and over. Watching you come undone below him would always be one of his favorite views. “Look at me baby, I wanna see you.”

You did your best in your blissed out state to listen to him, turning your head from where it had fallen against the pillow to look at him while he picked up pace. Your legs curled around his back, holding him to you, urging him as deep as he could go as you chased the orgasm that was building in your gut.

He stared at you for a few moments, and then as if he couldn’t help it he ducked down to kiss you, open mouthed and rough as he pulled his hips back, thrusting forward with more force than he’d used yet.

“Oh fuck Ethan, fuck,” you moaned, holding onto him for dear life. When he snaked one hand between the two of you to find your clit, you were done for.

His breath caught in his throat as you clenched around him and you heard the whimpers through your cloudy haze, mixtures of pleasure and your name as he came undone, hip stuttering and then stopping when he finally hit his high.

Once he’s caught his breath he rolls the both of you over so you’re resting on his chest, listening to his heart rate settle back down under your ear.

“I’m so glad you came home early,” you sighed, hugging his bare torso as he chuckled.

“Me too baby. Me too.”

#BRUNA DIS IS FOR YOU #I wrote this assuming everyone loves harry styles cause if you don't wyd haha #HOPE YOU ALL LIKE IT PLS TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK #ethan imagines #lynds writes #ethan dolan #dolan twins #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan fanfiction

203 notes · View notes

oftheredmoon · 3 years

Text

my abuser abused me. after 10 years i broke my silence and told my childhood friend. i didnt want justice or anything bc i didnt want to destroy my family, i just wanted to confide in my closest friend. she immediately ran around town and told everyone. 2 years later, i found out random people knew about my trauma and were threatening my abuser as well as on the verge of involving my family. so i lied. and said i lied about the abuse. a lot of people in town hate me. ex-childhood friend hates me and victimizes herself; everyone takes her side. my abuser hates me and rather than be grateful that i took one for the team (since we both know what he did) he uses it against me. tells me he hates me because “you know what you did” on party chat in front of the handful of people who still speak to me.

i can never confide in anyone about this due to cultural reasons. i’m stuck living in a looped hell. people think im some mentally ill wacko who went off the deep end and tried to drag innocent people down with me. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. i dont have an escape. i dont have friends anymore. suicide is not an option. confiding in people is no longer an option. coping mechanisms dont work anymore. self-harm never worked and just made me feel stupid. moving out/running away is not an option. therapy didnt help, neither did meds.

i think the most painful thing is the blatant fact that i will never truly be happy.

i’m expected to get married and have children. i want to get married and have children. but how am i supposed to let my husband lay a finger on me without screaming and crying? how am i supposed to explain that the reason i breakdown everytime he compliments me is because nobody has ever paid attention to me before? how am i supposed to be a good wife and have a good job when im completely talentless and stupid because i spent my whole childhood in a locked room neglected? how am i supposed to a healthy partner when the very thought of him becoming slightly annoyed with me or ignoring me is enough to send me into a psychotic breakdown? how am i supposed to explain why im so mentally ill? why i have psychosis, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and borderline personality disorder. why im constantly dissociating. how am i supposed to explain why im so physically ill? my heart, my blood sugar, my ulcers, the migraines, the potential cysts, crohns disease, the fact that i can hardly eat without throwing up, the fact that my body has dealt with so much stress that its already giving up at 20 years old. i could keep going, but i wont.

its getting hard to feel anything anymore. i’m no longer in touch with reality. when i try to think about myself my appearance, my name and all the things that once defined me do not come up. im hardly human at this point. i wake up, eat, stare at the wall for 8 hours, eat again, maybe do some homework, and play xbox for a few hours before my abuser inevitably makes a comment and i get triggered and leave before i breakdown in front of everyone.

“just tell ur future husband!!” cant, its not that simple, im not from the west.

“find a supportive/understanding man!!” see above plus: no man is going to put up with a complete emotional trainwreck who can hardly function: thats a receipe for creating a cheater.

“find a friend group that your abuser doesnt hang out with!!” cant, everyone hates me, this friend group is the most successful one ive ever had, im scared of making new bonds, theyll all leave eventually.

“make online friends!!” i have very negative experiences with online friends, id rather not.

“seek professional help!!” already tried, didnt work, they would call the cops if they knew half the shit that happened to me, therapy is not the solution to everything.

“why did u say u lied in the first place...?” bc my abuser going to jail/being confronted by all of this wouldve destroyed my family. i couldnt let that happen.

“why did u expect ur abuser to be understanding and grateful..? they’re an abuser lol...” bc after the whole thing blew up and everyone hated me, we had a mutual agreement and understanding to make it water under the bridge in order to protect our family. guess i was wrong to think he cared about them.

“what do u want me to say then lol... ur not willing to help urself” i cant help myself. “my hands are tied” is the biggest understatement of the century.

this post is not to find my cure. i didnt make this post because i want people in my dms showing me that they’re concerned.

if ur concerned about me harming myself, dont be. you have my 100% guarantee that i will not self-harm or attempt suicide. i gave up on that years ago.

this post is to vent.

this post is for people who are in similar situations as me. people who cant find a way out. people who cant turn to escapes such as drugs. people who protect their abuser whether out of love or for the sake of others.

you’re not the only one. i understand. i know. its hard. you’re drowning. no one will grab your hand no matter how much you reach out. in the rare cases that someone does come you pull away. you’ve lost the best years of your life to trauma and mental illness. it feels like theres no point. nothing helps. nothing works. you’re practically a zombie. you often trigger yourself to cope. you just want the pain to end. you dont want to feel anymore. you want to feel something. you dont want to remember. you want to be loved. you want a sign that you belong here. you want to enjoy life. you want to die. you’re afraid of living but you’re afraid of death.

i’m so sorry you’re hurt. i hope you find peace and salvation in a safe manner. i hope you heal and enjoy life to the fullest.

dont really know how to end this. i hope we’ll all be okay. i hope everyone whos been traumatized can find peace on earth. i hope breathing can start to feel a little easier. sorry this is so long. take care of yourselves.

#depression #traumacore #ventcore #Ptsd #Suicidal thoughts #depressing thoughts #venting #abuse #child abuse #anxiety #bpd #adhd #Suicide #borderline personality disorder #post traumatic stress disorder #Self harm #personal

12 notes · View notes

thebluenoteblog · 4 years

Text

Give me That Title

Summary: You have been hooking up with Colton for months and though you have feeling for him you’ve known since the beginning what your relationship with him is. You’re okay with it. You’re also okay with being perpetually single. That is until you meet someone that makes you want to date for the first time in a while. Though Colton’s reaction to hearing about your date... well that’s more surprising than the fact that you decided to go on a date in the first place.

Player: Colton Parayko

Word Count: 5.1k

*Inspired by Meghan Trainor’s Title*

I know girls ain’t hard to find

If you think you want to try

Than consider this an invitation

To kiss my ass goodbye

You were on the floor in front of your floor length mirror, with makeup spread out on the floor all around you when your phone buzzed. You paused with the mascara wand next to your eye, finished what you were doing, reinserted the wand into the tube, screwed on the cap and then picked up your phone already having a pretty good idea of who it was.

Colton had just gotten back in town from his road trip earlier that day and odds were he wasn’t in the mood to go out partying tonight. He wanted someone to come to him. The most recent notification on your phone, right above a few from the NHL app was indeed a text message from Colton. You had been his most regular hook up for the past seven months and at some point, in that time he had given you his phone number when he got tired of dealing with snapchat.

If you were being fair, the two of you did a lot of talking to. If someone were to scroll through your text messages they would never know that you were just some twenty-one-year-old girl who had gotten caught up in a lifestyle that you had no business in. They would probably think that you and Colton were friends. Friends who just hung out a lot late at night.

You unlocked your phone, opened the text and scanned the message. You busy?

You glanced up into the mirror, at your half-done makeup. Yes.

His response was fast, like he’d been waiting for it. No, really. Do you want to come over?

Okay, if you were being fair, it was a very rare occasion that you passed him up on an offer to come over. You always responded to his messages and you were basically at his beck and call. Your only serious obligation was your college courses. Your work hours were pretty much ‘come and go as you please’ and so you did. Whenever Colton asked. He knew when you were in class and he knew it wasn’t now.

Being tied to a man who had no intention of ever committing to you wasn’t a huge issue for you. Committing your time to him wasn’t either because he was gone so much and spent so many nights out with the team that you could still have friends and a life of your own. Besides, you would be lying if you said you hadn’t hooked up with a few other people in the beginning just as he had. You assumed he still did, but you didn’t bother anymore, the sex didn’t compare.

Then two weeks ago, you met Chase. You were sitting at a coffee shop on Main Street, enjoying your tea when he had walked in. He’d sat down on the couch beside you as he drank his coffee. He turned to you, stared at your Blues t-shit for a moment and then said, “Can you believe how badly the Blues got it handed to them last night?”

You’d spent two hours talking after that, about anything and everything. He’d asked you out. You’d given him your number. Now you sat in front of your mirror getting ready for the first real date you’d been on in over a year since you had broken off your engagement and sitting there, on that couch next to Chase, in his faded St. Charles County Firefighter t-shirt, you’d realized something.

This thing with Colton wasn’t enough anymore. You wanted a real relationship. Someone you could imagine a future with and not roll your eyes at yourself for being ridiculous. Someone who would really love you and not just love getting you naked. Someone who saw in you whatever it was that Chase saw that made his eyes light up when he talked to you that day.

You wanted someone who would someday ask you to marry them. You would buy a house together. Make one of those salt plaster ornaments with your first house key to put on the tree that you would decorate together every year. Build a fence in the backyard for your dog and your kids to run around.

Maybe that would be Chase, maybe it would be the next guy you went out with, or the next. Maybe you would find him a year from now. But you knew one thing for sure. No matter how much you wanted him to be, no matter how much you loved Colt, he was never going to be that guy.

He would never commit to a girl who looked like you.

Hell, you didn’t think he was ready to commit at all, despite how nice of a guy he was and his picture-perfect image. He enjoyed living it up, he enjoyed his parties, he enjoyed his bunnies. A girlfriend would cramp his style.

You glanced down at your phone and saw that ten minutes had passed, you needed to hurry up and get your makeup done and you still had Colton to deal with. I can’t. I’m going out tonight.

Again, he responded before you could pick up your mascara to finish your other eye, so he must not have been doing anything. He was probably laying on the couch watching TV. Oh. Are you going out with (Y/F/N)?

You didn’t really think about what you were typing before you just hit send, you just did it and then dropped your phone before going back to your makeup. This time you finished all of your eye makeup and were on to your lips when your phone eventually buzzed.

It wasn’t until you picked it up that you read what you had sent him and actually felt a little bad. You knew you both saw other people. You knew you weren’t a couple and you were both free to do whatever you wanted, but neither of you ever made a point of talking about it. You only knew about it his exploits from the girls who bragged about it online and occasionally posted pictures of them together to corroborate their stories. No, (Y/F/N) is out of town. I have a date tonight.

He’d responded five minutes later with. You have a date?

You glanced at the message, not sure how to respond at first then decided on simply, Yeah, he’s really nice.

The dots appeared and then disappeared about five times before they stayed long enough for him to type out his response. You never go on dates.

You rolled your eyes. Leave it to a guy in the NHL to think he had a girl locked down because she didn’t go on other dates for a little while even though he was still fucking other people. I decided that I want something real. Is that so bad?

You finished your makeup and made it out to your car before he responded. I guess not.

If it ain’t no thing

Then I won’t be hangin around

But don’t be blowin up my shit at three am

Sayin how you need me now

You had now been out on two dates with Chase and Colton had coincidently texted asking you to come over as you were walking out the door to get into Chase’s truck the night you went out with him for the second time. He’d taken your rejection slightly less… diplomatically this time which was uncharacteristic for him. You’d only turned him down a handful of times, but you could never remember him being upset. He’d always continued to talk to you until one of you got too busy to hold up the conversation. This time though, he was clearly upset.

Can you come over? I have food that I shouldn’t be eating that you would love.

You smiled when you read the message, because it almost sounded like he was inviting you over for a date even though you knew that wasn’t what it was. You could still dream. Then you remembered that outside your apartment complex, Chase was waiting for you.

I’m sorry, I’d love to but I’m busy tonight. Raincheck?

He’d responded quickly like he didn’t even think about what he was saying before he said it, Big date tonight?

You narrowed your eyes at the phone. What’s that supposed to mean?

You waited for his response before you walked outside into the bitter February air. Nothing. I just wanted you to come over.

Now it was three in the morning and you were lying in bed, trying to fall asleep. Still thinking about how uncharacteristically spiteful Colton had been that night. Then your phone went off for the first time. You ignored it, because, well, it was three in the morning. But then ten minutes later it went off again. And five minutes after that it went off again. Not five minutes passed before there was another. Then soon after another alert. Finally, you sat up in a huff, grabbing the phone off your bedside table and unlocking it to see the notifications.

All messages from Colton and he appeared to be drunk. Very drunk.

(Y/N) r u home

i miss u

u should com over

r u still with him

u should be here instead

You squeezed your eyes shut then opened them to make sure you were reading the messages correctly. Is that why he had been so spiteful that night? Was Colt… jealous? You couldn’t go over to his house now, because regardless of what you suspected, nothing had changed. He wasn’t going to commit to you. He wasn’t going to give you that house together or the Christmas tree with the first key ornaments or the kids running around in the backyard. It just wasn’t in the cards for them. Besides, he was drunk off his ass right now. He would never, in a million years send u or r in place or you or are if he wasn’t well past the legal limit.

Colton, go to sleep. You’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re saying.

The dots appeared right away but it took him awhile to type the message.

i no wht im saying i miss u com over ur with him arnt u

It took you a moment to decipher the message but when you did, you sighed and responded carefully. Colt, I’ve been home since 10:00. I can’t come over, its already three in the morning and you’re so drunk you’ll be passed out by the time I get there. You won’t even be able to let me in.

He didn’t like that answer. ill take a shower to sober up before u get here

Colton.

fine goodnight

You sighed again, Goodnight Colt.

Don’t call me boo

Like your some kind of ghost

If you don’t want me seeing other guys,

Then here’s what you need to know

Come stay tonight.

It was just those three words. The team was leaving for a road trip and they had the next day off. You had always in the past cleared your schedule on those days for him if he asked you to. The two of you would stay in bed all day, you would cook for him when you got hungry and he would leave for the roadie the next day relaxed and happy. This had started off as an occasional arrangement but had become a routine and now almost every time he had a day off in town, this was the plan.

You cleared your schedule.

When you got to his house with your overnight bag, you had just knocked on the door when it opened. He was standing there looking perfect as ever in a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, but his hair wasn’t styled like usual. It was tousled and limp like he’d been running his fingers through it enough to destroy whatever effect the gel had previously had on it.

He stepped to the side to let you in and closed the door behind you as soon as you were out of the way. He turned to face you, “I’m sorry… about the other night.”

You shrugged, not meeting his eyes, continuing to face the living room. You didn’t want to talk about this. You knew your time together was limited. This may very well be the last time they spent a night together before you had a boyfriend and you had to end… whatever this was. you didn’t want to spend it talking about what he’d said two nights ago and how he hadn’t meant it. How he was just drunk. “It isn’t a big deal.”

You slipped off your shoes, leaving them by the door. You always felt weird wearing shoes in his house, everything was so much more expensive than what you were used to. You walked away from him before he could say anything else, placing your bag on the couch and then leaning against the back of it and turning to watch him. He was frozen in place, staring at the spot you had previously been standing. After a minute he shifted his eyes to you and made his way into the living area.

He stood directly in front of you, with his hands in his pockets. He looked unsure for the first time since you’d met him, and you couldn’t quite figure out why. “I made dinner.” He said. “It’s almost ready.”

You furrowed your eyebrows at him, “You made us dinner?” You asked. “I always make dinner.”

“I know…” He said, he shifted, looking over her head at something in the distance, “I just thought… I don’t know. It was an early game and I got home at seven… I don’t mind cooking, so why not?”

You shrugged your shoulders, “I don’t know, I guess I just figured I would be cooking for you tonight.”

He looked down at you, meeting your eyes and smiling softly, “You don’t always have to do stuff like that. You can just come over and relax with me.”

Something was off. Colton was a nice guy. He was an amazing guy. But this was so far out of left field for your relationship that you didn’t know what you were dealing with. Then again, that’s how everything with him had been since the day you told him you were going on a date. He’d make sure to mark you up with hickeys everywhere when you hooked up the couple of times it had happened since. He was usually rough, but he never was one to leave dozens of hickeys all over you. Maybe one or two, nothing like that. His sideways remarks. Drunk texts. Now this?

You were in love with him. You had been for a long time and you knew it. Hell, you’d known when you let this start that you would fall in love with him. He was just the kind of guy you couldn’t help falling in love with. That’s why he had girls falling at his feet. He was a twenty-six-year-old professional hockey player, rich, attractive, with a great personality and he could have any girl he wanted. You never had any illusions that you would be the one to lock him down. Hell, at the time you weren’t even looking for a relationship. You were running from one.

But when he looked at you and said things like that, things like you can just come here to relax with me, it made you angry. Because you were in love with him. And when he said things like that and sent you a string of drunk texts at three in the morning, it gave you this irrational hope that he cared about more than just your pussy.

There was no way though.

And even if he did, did you want that life?

Constantly worrying about whether or not your boyfriend was with some other girl because he could have whoever he wanted? Always feeling like you weren’t good enough for him? Never being able to contribute equally to the household? Would he ever actually marry you even if he did date you? No. Probably not. You weren’t NHL wife material. Not pretty enough or classy enough.

But you smiled at him and pretended this battle wasn’t going on in your head and said, “Why don’t I help you finish cooking? I’m starving.”

After you ate, an amazing meal as it turned out Colton was actually quite the cook, when you made to help him with the dishes he turned around and set you on the island behind him, effectively banishing you from the soap. “I always help.” You protested.

“I’ve got it, (Y/N).” He said, his back muscles working as he washed a pot. “Just sit there and look pretty.”

You rolled your eyes, “As if that’s possible.” He turned to look at you over his shoulder, narrowed eyes and you bit your lip before responding, “Sorry, did I say that out loud?”

“Yeah. Don’t say it in your head either.” Then he went back to the dishes.

After the dishes were clean you expected to end up in the bedroom, but instead he guided you to the couch and handed you the remote, “What do you want to watch?”

You stared at the remote for a moment, then looked back at him. “I don’t know. I only watch movies in the theaters and I don’t think you’d like any of the shows that I watch.”

He frowned, “You only watch movies in theaters?”

“I don’t have the attention span to watch them unless I’m forced.” You said, “I’ll do anything to get out of it. Write, sleep, read, sex. Anything except watch the movie unless it’s a favorite and I’m in the mood to watch it. Which I’m not.”

“Okay, you like the Flames, right?” He asked. You nodded, “They’re playing now. Want to watch that?”

You smiled up at him, “That sounds awesome.”

By the time the game ended, you were curled into his side with his arm wrapped around you and you were ranting about every missed call while going on about Tkachuk’s game winning overtime goal. “Are you like this when you watch us play?” Colton asked, with a look in his eyes that you couldn’t identify and a smile on his face.

“Oh, I’m worse.” You said laughing and shaking your head, “When I lived with my sister she used to get so mad at me on nights you played late games because I would wake her up yelling at the TV.”

Colton placed a hand on your cheek and moved in. He pressed his lips to yours the same why he had so many times before, but this time if felt different. The kiss was long and slow and there were no hands pulling at clothes. One of his remained spanning your cheek and neck and the other rested on your waist, holding you in place. Your hands, after the initial shock of the randomness of the kiss wore off, went up to his shoulders. He pulled you closer like he was afraid you were about to push him away, but you didn’t. You wouldn’t. You didn’t know if you knew how.

Especially not after the way this kiss made you feel.

You were the one to separate your lips, resting your foreheads together. Neither of you spoke for a stretch of time and the only sound filling the room was the Flames postgame in the background. Eventually he broke the silence. “I don’t like you dating other people.”

“Colton…” You said, squeezing your eyes shut. You didn’t want to hear this. You didn’t want him to tell you how he didn’t like seeing you with other people, but you could never be his. It wasn’t something you wanted to hear and if he said it… well if he said it you were going to have to get up and leave. You were going to have to end this.

“Please listen to me,” He said, his voice barely above a whisper but their faces were so close that you had no trouble picking up his words. “It hurts thinking about you dating someone else. It hurts thinking that I’m so close to losing you and if you don’t want me to stop you then there isn’t anything I can do about it.”

You pulled your forehead away from his and leaned back a little, looking at his hardwood floors, “Colton I can’t just be some girl that you call when you want to screw for the rest of my life.” You said it softly, but the words were harsh and he cast his eyes at the floor along with you, “I want something real. I want someone who is going to take me out on dates. We buy each other birthday presents. Set up a Christmas tree together every year. Have dreams of a future with each other in it. Someday I want a house with a backyard full of kids and a husband playing with them. I can’t have that if all I am is another girl who you mess around with but never want anything more from.”

When you were done he looked up at you and your eyes met. Before you could look away, he said, “But what if I want all of those things with you? What if I want something real too?”

Tears sprung to your eyes. Why was he doing this? Why couldn’t he just let you walk away when it was easier because you thought he would never love you. “Colt I don’t know if I’m cut out for that life. I’m just some girl who got caught up in a lifestyle she had no business being part of.”

“What’s so bad about it?” He asked, looking a little panicked. Like he hadn’t actually accepted the possibility of you walking away tonight for good. “Why couldn’t you date me?”

You shook your head, “I’ve been around your friends. They party. They drink. And athletes… they cheat. I know it’s a stereotype, but I would always be worried about it. Especially since the entire time we’ve known each other you’ve had the ability to just… do whatever you want. Besides the fact that I’m not pretty enough to ever be seen in public with you.”

Colton looked genuinely offended, “I don’t cheat. I never have, and I never will. I was raised better than that.” He placed a hand on your chin and forced you to look into his eyes, “And you are beautiful. I would take you everywhere. You would be all over my Instagram even.”

You blushed, “Colt…”

“(Y/N), give me a chance.” He said. “I messed up. I didn’t realize I was in love with you until someone else was already doing a better job at what should have been my job than I was. Please, let me fix it.”

You studied his face, trying to decide if he was serious. Trying to decide if you should give up what you saw in Chase for what you knew was there in Colton. There were obstacles, many of them, but if he was that determined to make it work then you would give it a try too.

“Okay, we can give it a real shot.”

I’m lovin’ what you got

But I’m hating what you doing

You gotta show me off, off

If you embarrassed,

Then thats the case I’m long gone

You’d been officially dating for four months now and things were going great. He knew how you felt about him going out drinking with the guys, so when he went, he invited you along. There were no more bunnies bragging about their conquest with him online, in fact they were beginning to suspect that he had settled down with someone. You were at every home game wearing his jersey with the other wives and girlfriend and even flown out to one of the away games. Pictures of the two of you together started appearing online, especially on websites that people used to track the habits of players and the speculation started.

Did Colton Parayko have a girlfriend?

The thing was, he wouldn’t confirm anything. People would tweet him, asking him about it. Nothing. People would message him on Instagram asking him about it? He ignored them. He posted a picture of himself with your dog on his Instagram and the comments were filled with the same question.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Is that your girlfriends’ dog?

Did your girlfriend take that picture?

Still he didn’t respond to any of them. You were beginning to wonder if it was because he was regretting his decision to enter a relationship with you. Was that what the issue was? Was he embarrassed of you? He’d promised that you would be all over his Instagram, but he hadn’t even let you tag them in a picture together. Did he wish he’d found someone more conventionally beautiful?

You were scrolling through a speculation post when he sat down beside you on the couch. “What are you reading?” He asked, looking over your shoulder.

You quickly locked your phone and dropped it into your lap, “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

He narrowed his eyes at you playfully, “I know your password and my arms are longer than yours.”

You sighed, “Why haven’t you gone public with our relationship?” You asked.

He looked caught off guard, “What do you mean?”

“You haven’t posted any pictures of us. You haven’t answered when anyone asks about us.” You looked away from him and down at the phone you were twisting in your hands. “If you’re embarrassed of me just tell me. We can end this.”

“No!” He said it before the words had even died on your tongue, “Of course I’m not embarrassed of you.”

You still didn’t meet his eyes, because honestly, you didn’t believe him. “Colton…”

“(Y/N),” He said, “I’ll post pictures of you right now. I’ll tweet out a response to the next person who asks me. I’m not embarrassed, why would I be? I didn’t know it was that big of a deal to you or I never would have kept it a secret. I just don’t like my private life to be all over the internet.” He grabbed your hand and pulled your phone away, setting it aside before taking your hand in his. “Please believe me.”

You looked up into his eyes and all you saw was love. He looked so genuine. How could you not believe him? “Okay,” you said. “I believe you.”

“We don’t have to keep it a secret,” He said, “I love you. I don’t care if people know.”

You smiled up at him, “I would like that.”

Give me that title, title

Come on give me that title, title

Better give me that title, title

Better give me that title, title, yeah

They’d been together for two years now and they had come a long way from the day that Colton had sworn she was going to walk out his front door and end up in the arms of another man. As she sat on her towel with her toes dug into the sand next to him, glass of wine in her hand, staring at the sun setting over the ocean, he couldn’t believe that he’d ever come close to letting that happen.

The words she spoke that day stuck in his mind every single day since she said them. Someday I want a house with a backyard full of kids and a husband playing with them. They already bought each other birthday presents and set up a Christmas tree together every year. They talked about their future together every day. But that was something that he hadn’t given her yet.

She was so distracted by the sunset that she didn’t notice him set his wine glass on the small table between them, low to the sand, before reaching into the beach bag, into the zippered back pocket that she never would have had a reason to open and pulling out the small velvet box. He settled back onto his towel with the box in his hand, but kept his eyes focused on her.

He’d had the whole moment planned out, but now that they were here, and he was holding the ring and she was sitting next to him, it was like he had never planned a thing.

He shifted to his knees so that he was facing her, and that action was enough to pull her away from the sunset. She turned to him with a smile on her face so genuine that it made his heart swell. “What’s that look for?” She asked, “You should be watching the sky, it’s beautiful.”

“I’d rather watch you.” He said, and her cheeks flushed. Whether it was from the tropical heat or his words he didn’t know. He kept the box hidden under his hand as he said, “(Y/N), the day we decided to be together, you said something. You said that someday you wanted a husband and kids and an entire life with someone.” He looked down at his hand which still hid the ring, then back up at the most important person in his life who was looking at him with wide eyes, like she wanted to believe what was happening but didn’t quite want to get her hopes up. He lifted the hand that wasn’t concealing the ring and used it to guide her into standing up. She rose to her feet, burying them in the sand.

He rose to one knee and finally reveled the box, snapping it open, “I want that to be me. I want that life with you. I’m ready for it. If you say yes, I promise that we’ll have a house with a huge backyard and a fence and a swing set for our kids to play on. We’ll be the family that you always wanted to have. So, (Y/N), will you marry me?”

She was completely in shock, staring at him like she couldn’t believe a single word he had just said had actually come out of his mouth. But it had, and as soon as she realized that, she answered him. “Of course, I will!”

He slid the ring on her finger, tossed the box on the towel beside them and then was up and twirling her in the air in a second. Yes, they had come a long way in the past two years. And god was he glad they had.

#colton parayko #colton parayko imagine #colton parayko imagines #nhl imagines #hockey imagines

304 notes · View notes

creativeskullcreations · 4 years

Text

Chapter 10: A Real Guilty Feeling

Hey everybody, here's chapter 10! But, unfortunately, it'll be the last chapter you see for a while. I need to take a break from writing for a while, do something else and recharge a bit. Maybe also knock out some drawings too while I'm at it.

Current timeline is looking like this: Couple of weeks without writing, and then maybe build up a bit of a buffer of chapters for <i>Outside</i>. But first, I'll be working on episode 2 of <i>Happy Times at Handeemen HQ</i>. Y'all are starting to show an interest in that, and I wanna put something new out for it.

If you want to keep updated, or even just see what I'm drawing, you can follow my art Tumblr here. Also check out my YouTube, in case of livestreams or speedpaints!(Am I plugging my own stuff too much?)

Whenever I'm ready to start posting again, I'll make sure to leave an announcement on here.

I'll see y'all later.

When Will got home, he dumped Stacy's stuff and scout on the couch. He then pointed out his locked workroom, and told her that she was never to go in there no matter what. That done, he left her to her own devices, and went off to bed. He took off his shirt and jeans, then crawled under the sheets. The last thing he did before passing out was shoot off a message to the group chat about how DnD Night was canceled until further notice.

When he woke up, far too few hours later, it was to a light weight on his chest. He stared at Scout for a moment, then picked her up and dropped her on the floor, rolling onto his front. He grabbed his phone, squinting at the too bright screen. Several messages were in the chat, and he sighed as he opened it up and scrolled to the top.

Masonary: um, excuse me?! i asked for that day off u can't cancel!!! somebody better be dead! D:<

Blooming_Stitches: Mason, shut up. We don't know what could be going on.

drWEED420: ugh, stacy. I told you to call me.

Masonary: y would stacy need to call u sam?

Masonary: is it because she hacked ur account and changed ur name again?

drWEED420 has changed their name to DrSamIAm

DrSamIAm: no but it is something we'll going to talk abaout.

Will_and_a_Way: Stace is in the hospital for infected surgery stitches

Blooming_Stitches: I'M SORRY WHAT

Masonry: dude i was joking about som1 being dead

DrSamIAm: goddamit stacy

DrSamIAm has left the chat We're ALL Idiots Here

Masonry: ok first of all what happened to stacy

Masonry: second who changed the chat name again?

Blooming_Stitches: lol

Will sighed, the went into his phone and pulled up his drop box, where he'd sneaked the file into a while ago. He hesitated briefly, then sent it to the chat. Stacy could be mad at him later, but he was too tired to think up a cover story for her right now.

Will_and_a_Way posted a file in We're ALL Idiots Here

Masonry: ?

Blooming_Stitches: !

Will_and_a_Way: read that if you guys want to know what happned.

Will_and_a_Way: I'm going back to sleep now try not to kill each other

He clicked his phone off, dropping it to his mattress and letting his head fall on his pillow. Within seconds he was back asleep, completely oblivious to Scout Jumping back on his bed and climbing onto his back. She curled around the small Kirby toy, using it as a pillow as she settled back into sleep herself.

()()()

When Will woke up again, it was to a light weight in the center of his back, right below his shoulder blades. He huffed, glaring at the wall. He took a deep breath, then heaved himself up with all his strength. As predicted, Scout was catapulted off, and he quickly got out of bed, heading to the kitchen.

He made himself some toast, checking his phone on the way. The group chat was mostly just full of the various reactions from Lisa and Mason. Sammy had come back at some point, going on a rant about what Stacy hadn't told him.

He read over the various comments as he ate, able to tell where they were in the document. Unsurprisingly, Mason finished it first, and Lisa was intent on meeting Scout. Sammy had told her Scout was nothing special, which Will privately agreed with. He finished the back reading and, seeing as nobody was online at the moment, locked his phone again. He picked up his toast and moved into his work room for the time being, deciding to get something done.

It was easy, really, for Will to get lost in his work. Dissecting the "toys" he brought home, taking them apart and recording it in his notes. He was currently working on the body of the head he'd been looking at last night. The brown, fuzzy thing was strapped securely onto the table, the front having been sawed apart and spread open.

He shifted through the innards, making careful, detailed notes about what was in there. He would compare them to the stolen blueprints later, figure out what was supposed to be in there and what wasn't. For now, though, the intention was to make a catalogue of parts.

When his phone alarm finally went off, signalling it was lunch time, he straightened up with a sigh. He pulled off his rubber gloves and, making sure the straps on the table were tight, went out to the kitchen. He made himself a simple sandwich, eating it in the kitchen as he glanced through the group chat. Mason and Lisa were on and currently discussing things, but Sam hadn't been on again since his rant.

He lurked a bit longer after he finished his sandwich, then got up to go back to work. On the way through the living room, he paused when he saw Scout sitting on the couch. She was curled up in the corner, Kirby plush on her lap as she stared at it. Even as a Puppet, he recognized the look on her face as one Stacy had often worn in the first year after her mother had died.

'Why the hell do I feel so bad for that thing?' He sighed, rubbing at his face. Making a snap decision, he went over to his DVD shelf and pulled out The Iron Giant. He turned on the TV and player, then loaded in the movie, skipping the previews. When he reached the main menu, he selected play and dropped the remote near Scout. He then left, heading back towards the basement and his work.

Scout watched go, staring silently after him as he once again disappeared behind the locked door. She didn't even try to follow him, instead settling in to watch the show he'd turned on. With any luck, it would be violent and/or funny enough to take her mind off of things.

()()()

'That is the saddest shit I have ever seen...' She sniffed, rubbing at her frustratingly dry eyes. 'I can't believe he let himself get blown up like that. What the fuck.' She rubbed at her eyes some more, then tried to figure out how to choose a different show. When she couldn't figure it out, she threw the remote down in frustration. 'Fuck it! Where's Will?'

She Jumped from the couch, heading over to the locked door. She peered in the crack between the door and the floor, but couldn't see anything. She could hear, however, and what she heard were power tools. The sound sent a shock through her system, dredging up unwanted memories of Riley's lab. She drew back, then jumped onto a nearby table when the noise stopped. Thinking quickly, she opened the drawer that was there and tried to pretend that she had been going through it.

Will came out of the room a minute later, wiping his hands with a dirty towel. He glared when he saw what she was "doing". "What the hell are you doing? Get out of there!" It wasn't quite yelling, but his voice was definitely louder than it needed to be. Scout suppressed her fear and scoffed.

"Fine. There wasn't anything but batteries in there anyways." She slammed the drawer closed, feeling a small, petty joy in how the contents rattled around when she did. She watched him cross to his bedroom and, when he'd closed his door, opened the drawer back up in order to snoop for real.

Batteries, keys, some weird plastic clips, and other odds and ends she didn't have words for had been organized neatly in the drawer. Working quickly, she shuffled everything around even more, then shoved a handful of what was sitting on the table into the drawer. She then closed it again and sat back as innocently as she could, tilting the shade of the lamp next to her. When Will came back out, now dressed in different clothes, he sighed and fixed the shade.

She watched as he gathered up a couple of things, then came over and grabbed up a set of keys she hadn't dumped into the drawer. There was a pause, or maybe more of a hesitation, and then he scooped her up and left the house, ignoring her protests.

"Hey! Hey lemme go! H-mmph?!" He easily covered her mouth with one hand as he locked the door. He made his way to his car, not letting her go into he'd climbed in and dumped her in the passenger seat. "What was that for?!"

"Okay, here's the deal." He told her, ignoring the question. "We're going to go see Stacy. To do that, we have to go through a whole hospital full of people. And you will be quiet and good the whole time, or you will be going out the nearest window."

"We're going to go see Stacy..." That was the one thing she had really comprehended. Her Host was alive, Scout knew she had to be. If she wasn't, then the Puppet wouldn't have long to-

It didn't matter. She didn't matter, not after what almost happened. Not after what she almost did, accidentally or not.

She was jolted out of her thoughts as Will started the car, realizing belatedly that he'd continued talking to her. She hoped he hadn't noticed she wasn't paying attention. Whatever he'd been doing behind that door, she did not want to become his next patient.

In the silence of the car ride, Scout easily lost herself in the thoughts swirling through her head. The most prominent were thoughts of guilt, knowing she was to blame for this and wondering where she had gone wrong. Maybe she hadn't tried as hard as she should've to subjugate her Host back in the Studio? Or maybe she shouldn't have stayed with her after they escaped. Maybe she should have left after making sure Stacy was okay.

'Maybe I should leave anyways.'

She missed it when Will parked, only noticing when he picked her up. She let herself stay limp, though not so much out of compliance than a desire to try and keep working on the plan that had come to mind.

Vaguely, she was aware of the clean white halls Will was taking her through, as well as a nauseating smell that reminded her of Riley. A few other unclaimed Hosts like Will, though wearing clothing that, again, reminded Scout of Riley. She watched those ones carefully, just in case. She may not like Will, but Stacy did and she didn't want something to happen to him.

Will came up to a door, opening it and peeking inside. Scout tried to look, but could only see the very end of a weird looking bed. Whatever he saw he seemed to like, as he fully entered the room, kicking the door closed behind him and approaching the bed.

"Hey Stacy." He began quietly, and Scout felt her stuffing go cold at the sight of her Host in the bed. Her normally warm brown skin was several shades paler, and there were dark circles under her eyes. She was mostly upright, though leaning heavily against the pillows behind her. The scariest thing, though, were the several tubes connecting her to various machines by the bed.

Scout felt another cold rush of guilt when she saw how Stacy's eyes lit up when she spotted them. She waited for her to say something, anything, but the Host didn't speak, instead lifting her hands to use that weird hand language.

"She can't talk right now." Will translated. "She had to be intubated and her throat still hurts. But, for some reason, she's happy to see you." He sounded annoyed by that, and Scout couldn't help but be confused. Surely Stacy knew about what she did.

'Unless she doesn't.' The Puppet realized. 'She doesn't know shit about how it works. She had no idea what I almost did to her.' Somehow, that didn't make it any better.

Against her will, she was handed over to Stacy so Will could go set down the bags. Stacy hugged her tight, and Scout couldn't help but curl up in her hold, clutching at the weird shirt she was wearing.

She ignored the humans as they talked, or rather as Will talked and Stacy did one handed signing. Instead she stared at the tubing connected to Stacy's arm, watching the clear liquid slowly drip it's way into her body. She didn't know how long she stared for, but she must've dozed off at one point because she suddenly became aware of her hair being stroked.

It couldn't have been too long, as the room was still bright, though she couldn't hear Will anymore. Instead there was a quiet, steady beeping that matched up with Stacy's heartbeat. It was relaxing, and brought up memories of when Scout had first woken up, all those years ago. Before she'd been made to take part in Riley's "tests", or found that TV. Even before she'd met her siblings and learned who and what she really was. Those first few moments when it had just been her and Daisy, enjoying the gift of life.

She almost wished she could go back to that point. Things were so much better back then, when her world consisted of Daisy's sewing room and her siblings. When she didn't have a Host to worry about accidentally killing, or her own people coming after her.

But she wouldn't have to worry about that for long. If her plan ended up working, Stacy wouldn't be in danger ever again.

#outside #fanfiction #hello puppets #stacy stein #scout #will carson

18 notes · View notes

naturaldisasterfanfiction · 4 years

Text

14.

Vaguely seeing a child, just seeing the back of this child. Reaching out but the child ran off, looking around me “what are you doing?” seeing someone pregnant in front of me, lwhere the fuck am I “don’t say anything to anyone that I am pregnant” I don’t even know who this person is, looking up “Mel!?” I spat “just don’t tell anyone, this is a secret” looking down at myself, touching my stomach which is flat “where is my baby!?” I panicked, turning back around on myself but suddenly there is wall just blocking me in, turning around and nobody is there, just a single door. Opening the door and I yelped out seeing a casket, two actually. Shaking my head “no, no, no” what is this stepping back “this is what we do when you don’t listen” a voice said, a voice I can’t decipher but it was a male voice but then a load of voices started talking all at once, not catching a single word as they continue to say a lot of words, so many words “no!” I shouted as I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat breathing heavily, what the fuck was that all about. Placing my hand over my chest breathing heavily in shock, pushing the covers off of me, looking down at my stomach “my baby” I breathed out touching my bump “my baby is ok” closing my eyes sighing out, I am so hot and full of sweat. Opening my eyes staring up at the ceiling, that was horrible. Why on earth am I even dreaming of a casket, oh my god. I think the casket was big and small, I don’t know but this has really got me shook. Getting up out of bed sighing out, looking down at my stomach. I just don’t get it; I don’t like it either. Like that voice, is it me just stressing. I don’t know but it’s horrible and now I can’t sleep. My bump was gone, the child was running away “god” I breathed out, looking over at the side table, seeing the bear and the scan picture. I am worrying too much and on the day of my baby shower too.

I ended up going downstairs and sitting outside, hopefully with the peace and quiet and the sound of the sea hitting the shore, I may fall asleep again but that was horrible. I literally want to cry about it “you’re awake?” looking behind me “yeah” I mumbled, Mel placed her arm around me giving me a hug “are you ok?” she questioned, a little confused on why I look so deflated “I am ok, just had a nightmare. It’s fine, what are you doing now?” I asked her “literally going to bed but I saw you come down, wanted to check on you and baby Fenty” she touched my bump “we are ok, go to sleep. I am fine here” Mel poked her lips out at me “are you sure?” nodding my head, I just want to be alone for a while “goodnight then” Mel touched my shoulder as she walked off, I am going to be so miserable for my own baby shower and I feel bad now, I was sleeping like a baby until that happened. Picking my phone up from the table, Rorrey is still texting me, like he won’t drop it. I said no, now he knows what it feels like to be left out. My phone unlocked as I opened the message, I miss having a blunt because this would have relaxed me so much, I need it. I just can’t believe that dream, it was someone taking away my baby, I feel sick even thinking that. Reading my brother’ message on WhatsApp ‘U say u aint taking side, but you are robz! U are literally picking him over me I have been there for you. Fine if u want me to get to know him again I will but let me come’ I sniggered at him begging to come, they always do come begging but he should have not done it and I will stick to it, he is banned. The banner came down, oh ok Chris is online and how did he even know I was awake. Tapping on the notification ‘Youre AWAKE!?’ I read, why does he always message like he is an excited child, messaging him back ‘Not by choice…… Anyways. Why you creeping around creeper?’ pressing send on the message, he is totally going to call me. There we have it, I know him.

Answering the call “hello?” I said with such a smirk “you’re smiling behind that phone, I know it” I hate that he does know that “be quiet so tell, why are you creeping around on WhatsApp? Your new name is creep” it sounds so quiet wherever he is, I am used to the Chris that is somewhere loud every time “I just went online and saw you was, that was it. I am literally laying down bored. I ain’t creeping on nothing, why are you awake?” he is cute, he sounds so serious about it because I think he is creeping “I had a bad dream so now I am awake” I sighed out “oh no, what was the dream about? Did you sleep with my bear? If you didn’t then it would have protected you if you did then we need to get a new bear for you cause it ain’t doing it’s job” I giggled, I hate that I giggled because he is so stupid “I hate you” he is annoying “you are annoyingly cute, stop it but the bear is on the side table next to my scan picture” he does make me smile and I hate it “tell me wat happened? Was it bad” I mean Chris can know, he did make me smile “so it was horrible, what I remember is I see a child run away, I turn around and I see Mel pregnant and she is telling me not to tell anyone and then I look away and there is a wall in front of me. So, I turn back because I can’t go anywhere, Mel has gone and there is a door. I go through the door and oh yeah, my baby bump is not there so I am confused. So, I go through the door and I see two caskets and that scares me, and I hear a voice saying this is what we do when you don’t listen, I woke up sweating. But like, it upset me because why am I dreaming that” now I am getting sad again “don’t be upset, it’s you. You’re thinking about it when you sleep, what are you thinking about when you’re in bed?” he asked, my lower lip is trembling “uhm” oh god, please don’t cry “everything, just that we was talking about things and my cousin, she was saying how she felt alone and that she lost so much blood, and it was hard giving birth. She thought she was going to die so then I was thinking of me and like it scared me, you know. So I was thinking in bed, what if something goes wrong and it did scare me” my voice broke “ignore me, one minute I am putting my phone down on the table” I placed it down, I am so annoyed with myself for crying like a little bitch I am, I need to gather myself.

Picking the phone back up “why are you crying? Don’t cry, I could hear you crying you know, I am not dumb. Why are you thinking stupid things Robyn? You will be fine” Chris is not happy I am crying, he hates when I cry “you never know Chris, she was telling me how bad it can be. She had it bad, and then what if I never actually get to see my baby? Like it can happen Chris, it’s not a joke. Would you like look after her?” I asked because now I am worried “why are you saying this? I don’t want to hear it; you will be fine! Stop saying it” he half shouted “answer me” I want an answer from him “you know how I feel, I want you. You think I care about anything if anything happened to you, it would take me a while to even want to hold the baby that did that, I would eventually but stop it! I don’t like that shit at all; you’re supposed to be here for me. Stop it, this is why you had that bad dream. Please stop it” he pleaded with me “but the point is, it can happen, and I just hope you build yourself up and take care of our daughter. It’s made me think anyways, I feel like” I paused “I think I need to put a precaution there Chris, I don’t ever want you to struggle because I care about you a lot. And I would need to make sure that our daughter does get to be with you and I say this because you’re her father and nobody can compete with that, and I know you are the best dad when you are the happiest Chris. I know you, I am not upsetting you, but it has made me think because this does happen, so maybe that is why I did have the dream. I shouldn’t be stressing but I am, I need to stop.”

I probably have upset his sensitive soul “I don’t know what I would be like without you around Robyn, I don’t like this conversation at all. But I am here for you and I will be there for you when you give birth and I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you. This is a first for me too, I don’t think of what could happen because in all honesty I didn’t care for the women, it sounds bad, but I don’t. I just don’t want to think that” I have totally upset him “I love you and I want to see you grow old even if we aren’t together, I want to see you get old Robyn and live a happy life” my heart warmed, to hear him say that “I love you Chris” that is so sweet of him “I love you too Robyn, I miss your touch so much. I am just here bored waiting” I know he is “what have you been doing?” I can imagine nothing “uhm, nothing” I knew it “I am planning to visit London with Royalty, test it out but I am going to be pretty annoyed if that doesn’t work out” I smiled a little, he is trying “well I was looking for you and well for myself but Chris, you can arrive here but do not have anything stupid on you like weed to say the least but you have a US passport, that will easily get you through, they just get funny when you are longer then six months, I was speaking to Jen. She said that you come here as a tourist and six months you will be ok, she said you will be ok” I mean that positive news “you think? So just come as a tourist and just be normal about things?” he asked “yes, just come for whatever how many days and you will be ok, they question you then just say you are visiting, don’t be dumb about shit either” I know what he is like “I wish you was with me, but I will try it. I am going to be so happy when they allow me in but then what do I do after six months?” I chuckled “then you go the fuck home and leave me alone” I cackled.

Chris is the cutest “we have been on the phone for” moving it back from my ear “an hour and forty four minutes” placing the phone against my ear “and I have made you laugh throughout it all” rolling my eyes “I beg to differ, I heard you in the toilet. Let’s not speak on that” he is nasty “my gut was bubbling, I needed to do go but you were there for me, this is why I say you are wifey. You got be” he is funny “I ain’t anybody’s wifey Chris” he knows damn well I am not “you’re my baby mother though, one that listened to me while I took a shit, so now what” I hate him “be quiet, I didn’t realise until the toilet flushes so bye! Anyways, you not capable of having a wife, you don’t know what to do with one” which is true “I do, when it comes to you. I couldn’t see myself with anyone else, and you know what makes me sad, is that I know what you want. I know you are sad” he knows me well “I am sad because that is just me, but I think I am going to try and sleep now ok?” I said because I do need to sleep “I miss you Robyn, I feel so highly of you and you are wifey to me anyways” smiling a little “would have loved for you to hold me, did I tell you that I cried when I saw what you sent me” I don’t think I admitted that to him “really why? Be truthful now, don’t play around” he knows I do play around “uhm, honestly. Because I did not expect it and then, I miss you like crazy Chris, as much as we argued a little, you spoilt me, and I enjoyed it. It’s nice to have that touch” I am being truthful “I am happy to hear that but I will let you sleep, goodnight dumpling” I groaned out “I know you not starting that shit, I swear to god!” I shouted “bye!” disconnecting the call, he is so annoying for this dumpling shit.

I slept in, I have woken up going on to twelve, I mean I did fall asleep late but no nightmares this time now. I think the talk with Chris really helped me. It just made me happy, I am surprised my family didn’t wake me, but they have been busy clearly “not this room, this way!” Noella shouted “come on, don’t ruin the baby shower now” I was going to have a nosey “I hope you all aren’t making a big deal, I just still want it to be lowkey, a little party with closed loved ones, I am not here to deal with the rest of the shit “it’s just us, stop it now. You are being so negative now” she is saying that but having to deal with negative people constantly, it gets very draining “Rajad, afternoon” seeing my baby brother “where have you been anyways?” I have not seen him for a few days “I have been with Rorrey” he has that is interesting “you also think I am wrong huh?” Rajad shrugged “he is sorry Robyn” sitting down on the couch “I am also sorry that I ain’t fucking with that behaviour, you don’t do that to people. It’s just not on, he will learn from this” I don’t care for Rorrey, I just want to have a nice little party with my loved ones and be on my way but it’s a little horrible that Chris is not here but then ok because not everyone in the family know who the father is, then I would have to make them sign a NDA which I don’t want that either.

I don’t usually compliment myself, but I am, I look so good “how do I look? I mean I feel like I am getting married though” turning around, Dennis is taking the picture as always “no, you are a queen! That is how it’s supposed to be Robyn so embrace it. You look so beautiful, the man that got you pregnant is lucky to have you as a baby mother, chile!” Yusuf said, I cooed out “thank you” that was so sweet of him, this pink gown dress is beautiful, it brings out my bump anyways but the trail at the back, I look like I am going to my own wedding “I love this flower head crown, do I look like I am ready for this? Maybe I am overdressed” Yusuf shook his head “I did not wear this pink shirt for you to say this, we are all wearing white and pink for you and baby Fenty so shut up and get the fuck out” Yusuf is not putting up with my shit at all “ok fine, but I am tired and in three hours I will be probably falling asleep” Yusuf rolled his eyes “I want this bitch out, come on. Out!” I laughed to myself, I am so annoying.

I could have done something big, invite my celebrity peers but why do I need that, to be pestered and questioned about the father and for them to pity me, I mean I may get it a little here because some don’t know but I don’t want to hear it from the rest “I do honestly feel like I am at my wedding” Ja linked arms with me “well you are my bride!” turning the corner, Yusuf walked ahead of me “she is here, after several hours of complaining and whining, she feel overdressed but please everyone. Robyn” why did he do that, I don’t want the attention at all. Walking through the opened double doors, I gasped “oh my god” the shock of seeing my mother’s living room turned into some pink and white paradise “oh my god” I pointed at the backdrop “you look so beautiful” my mom said, I cooed out “thank you so much, I love it” hugging my mom “I love this!” I pointed at the backdrop “Fenty Baby Shower!” I spat “oh my god, yes. This was it, oh god. Thank you all” I am in shock, it’s a beautiful layout. The ceiling is just filled with white, pink roses. It does not look like my mother’ living room, looking towards the outside doors. It’s all so much “I am so happy you liked it bitch” Mel hugged me “I love it, this is what I want. To be with my loved ones, just a good party with you all” Mel kissed my cheek “come on Robyn, picture!” Dennis shouted, nodding my head. He pointed at the backdrop for me to stand in front of, I am extremely happy about this. Smiling as Dennis took pictures, looking up seeing the room filled with close family and friends, there is a lot of people to be honest but in Barbados everyone is family, it kind of hit me and now I feel nervous, to be stood here alone. Putting my head down before looking up again, I don’t actually like this feeling at all, to be alone.

Sonita is still in shock with my bump “I just find it weird to see you like this, pregnant” I know she hasn’t seen like forever “I find it weird that I am gradually not able to see my feet when I look down” my dad kissed my cheek “are you happy?” he asked “I am thank you, I will speak to you after” he walked off “everyone is so happy for you, when we heard we said it was about time. I know you said it, but you did it” nodding my head laughing “before it does get out, I will tell you because you’re my friend. This stays between us, but I know the dad” Sonita’ eyes widened “ohh, please don’t tell me Aubrey?” she said “Chris” Mi Gente played as soon as Sonita screamed out, lucky it did “fuck off!?” she shouted “yes that happened, one drunken night. And you know how those go but this stays between us. As far as the world thinks, my child is fatherless” Sonita is shook, she didn’t expect that “you both about to be in love again, chile. That shit never ends with you two, oh my god. I am shocked but then I am not at the same time, where is his dumbass? I just, wow. I don’t think anyone is ready for that Robyn, I am still shook” I giggled, the reaction Sonita gave me just lets me know that the world is not ready for this “we talk but he is just figuring himself out I guess” I said “or he is hiding, he should have come here for you” Sonita said, maybe she is right.

I am having to filter through everyone, it’s such a headache “are you moving to London?” my dad asked, I know he has been trying to get me on my own “uh yes, I mean I could have done it here but London is perfect for work, it’s the middle ground and I love it there dad” he smiled at me “I am happy for you, but you will be alone. Is Chris stepping up for you? I like him but if he upset you Robyn, I will get him for you” I cooed out “dad he is ok, we are working on it. I know people are asking about why he didn’t come but he has his reasons, one of them is your son. This is why he isn’t here, but I will be ok dad. I will always be just ok” my dad doesn’t need to worry about me “Robyn, Ronald can I steal her away just for a moment” Mel said as she wrapped her arm around my shoulder “we will speak later” I said to my dad as Mel pulled me away “what do you want now you drunk mess” Mel is getting drunk “I just need you right now, I am not that drunk thank you” she is, she is getting there “so, I was getting some drinks from the kitchen and I see this” we made our way back into the living room “you look amazing shawty” I gasped, this can’t be “his stubborn ass comes now when I told him to come early” here comes the water works “you came” I sobbed out “is it your emotions again?” Mel said, I am so happy to see Chris here “I came here for you, I ain’t like that you been upset” I am trying to save my makeup, Chris wrapped his arms around me “I flew out here for you, I knew how upset you were. I ain’t like that” he is making me cry so much, I didn’t expect him to come.

I am such a mess; I didn’t expect to cry but I have and now I am looking crazy “you good? I came for like a day here, you good?” Chris touched my arm “I just didn’t think you would come, you said you wasn’t. Excitement got the better of me” I won’t admit I was feeling a little alone about things “shall I put this there? I came with gifts of course” looking down at the bags “really? For me or? But why? You bought things already?” Mel took the bags from him “they are Birkin bags, it’s one for you and then the baby, matching” I gasped in shock “no way, what!?” I shouted “yeah, are you ok though? I missed you” nodding my head, catching my cousin looking “so uhm” I said in a whisper “there is some family members that don’t know and I don’t trust them to not say anything either so I am going to need you to not say anything and just act like you was in town and as a friend you are here. I can’t trust them enough to know” I said in a whisper “cool, where do I put my duffle bag?” looking at Mel “give it to Mel but have fun. Stay with Mel and don’t let anyone say anything to you either, Rorrey is not here” Chris nodded his head, I just want to hug him so much “your cousin Teejay I think, he tried to kick me out. He refused me from coming in, so I text Mel” I don’t need to hear that shit at all “I will deal with it, just let’s not look like this means something” I mean they are family and friends but I can’t trust them at the same time.

Watching Chris from afar, I just don’t want anyone saying anything but also not look like there is anything happening between us, I do not want anyone leaking that he is the father before I do “do I say he is just here as a friend?” my mom said in my ear, nodding my head “yeah, just say that. He was in the area; we are friends” my mom walked off “I thought he wasn’t coming?” Sonita asked, I thought the same thing but I am happy he is here and I am happy to see Ja is probably annoying him but he is there with him, Ja is going to be talking so much shit “well he is here now, but I told him to stay away from me, until everyone has disappeared.” Bopping my head as ‘Sunflower’ started playing, I used love this song, but this is Majesty favourite song and it’s a nice old song to hear “y’all fucking again?” Sonita asked, Chris caught my eye from afar and just grinned at me which made me smile back. Squinting my eyes at him mouthing something, I don’t do well with things like this, I will end up shouting what. I think he said I look great, I laughed looking away from me. Lifting my head up “thank you” I said back but literally, I don’t know how to mouth anything. Chris placed his hand over his heart, I wish he wouldn’t. Chris started bopping his head to the song and then started to mouth the lyrics to me as Post Malone sang “I know you're scared of the unknown, you don't wanna be alone. I know I always come and go. But it's out of my control” he is really got me smiling, if people don’t see what he is doing then they are blind “you both are really fucking” Sonita said, but I just stared at Chris dancing and calling me a sunflower which made me want to cry all over again, I just missed him a lot.

#Chrianna FF #Chrianna #Chrianna Fanfiction #Fanfiction #Fanfic

9 notes · View notes

lockdownuk · 4 years

Text

Lockdown Diary Part 7

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 181: Typing on day 182. I received an email from someone at DSM who had got my CV from Helen Proctor (she was the manager that interviewed me along with the founder) and wants me to interview for a IT business consultant role for a shoe firm (Loakes) in Kettering. I called the chap and had a quick chat and arranged it for Wednesday.

A few beers, as it’s Friday, and caught up via video chat with Foggy and Irish Mike (Foggy’s on quarantine having holidayed in the south of France). It was a late one and they were both pissed, but nice to chat. Andy and Ham were meant to join but were no shows - Ham had his sister’s funeral this week - might explain it.

Day 182: I messaged Ham - he went round his folk’s house after work last night as his two sisters were there. I have to admit, I am ignorant of all of Ham’s brothers and Sisters so he may well have meant one was Preaya in an urn.

Someone on the Oundle Chatter FB group asked about Google Hangouts (on behalf of her son who is attending college and they have online classes using it. I am now about to look into it for her. Why did I get involved. It’s 8pm on a Saturday, ffs!

Update, I researched it and messaged her - seems I hit a nail on the head and she seemed suitably grateful. Booze and pizza coming right up (at 9:15pm)

Day 183: Up at just before 2pm - I drank shed loads last night and went to bed after 4am. Faffed about but did manage my stair climb, a 10km walk and I am now making a roast dinner-ish tea (chicken breast stuffed with red leicester and wrapped in bacon) with all the veg and yorkies (I am trying to empty the freezer as it needs defrosting).

Day 184: I posted on FB that today was half a leap year of lockdown (that’s wrong, should have been yesterday). Rachel replied that it isn’t lockdown anymore. I replied that it is for me but that got me thinking - are we officially in lockdown still? Checked, and we are. Posted that on the same thread and Badger replied that the current level of lockdown has been uprated to level 4, whatever that actually means. Rachel’s post worries me - 1. ‘cos it’s indictative of the far-too-relaxed attitude and, 2. I wasn’t even sure even though I’m still observing the same lockdown behaviour that I was before Boris made his announce on March 23rd. Scary how facts bleed into fiction.

Jim contacted me today, asked me to call. I did so, he says I’ll be asked to return to work (from home) on the 5th October (two weeks). Shirley from HR will be in contact. I’ll believe when I see the email from her!

Day 185: Boris announced a tightening of the relaxed lockdown including pubs shutting at 10pm. None of it really affects me since I’m still in as full a lockdown as when it started.

Received an email from John Morton at DSM for an interview at Loakes tomorrow (Wed) at 09:30am.

Received a Facebook message from the editor at Oundle Chronicle - he wants to do a short article about the photos I take and post on the Oundle Chatter fb group.

Day 186: Interview went ok.

Called Dad and Rita to let them know that I received an email from RCI confirming that I will be back at work on the 5th of October.

In the evening, Facebook had posts concerning somebody walking round Creed Road with a knife in his hand, and the police getting involved!

Day 187: Spend spend spend. Paid my speeding fine today £357, my water bill £147, bought two new duvet cover sets and two new sheets £58, a new pair of walking boots (my relatively new Hi-Tec are leaking and falling apart) £75. Oh, and the car insurance renews day after tomorrow, £230. Thank fucking fuck I’m being taken off furlough!

Day 188: Friday and I’m going to have a few beers and watch a couple of films. I’ve been trawling through Seinfeld and am most the way through S3, and it’s brilliant. The Kramer character is mentally good. One episode had the actress who played Janice in Friends - that episode is a classic - which also included an scene whereby the cast are all exclaiming ‘Saturday night’ similar to the Friends TikTok trend. Got a call this morning about a service delivery lead role for EPM, a education service provider, based in Huntingdon. It’s a good role, very involved, reporting directly to the head of IT. But it’s only £32k pa. I replied to the email the recruiter subsequently sent to say I am interested but that salary is less than £5k pa than I am on now as a 2nd line support techie! Lastly, I am well on my way to doing 500,000 steps in September!

Day 189: I was woken by the doorbell - a delivery of one of the duvet cover sets. On the door mat was a missed parcel delivery note from Ryal Mail (I have to get whatever it is from Warmington PO) and a note from next door (No. 34) asking for me to turn my music down at 10.30pm. That’s fair enough but....10.30pm! What are they, 80 years old? I have felt low today. There is no rhyme nor reason as to my moods suffice to say I am not of the happiest dispostion on a permanent basis, resigned to being alone. In fact, I have come to terms with the fact I’ll die alone but, it seems, some days I cope with it a lot worse than others. On that cheery note, it’s 8.45 pm on a Saturday night so, I am about to launch into some beers, weed and pizza. I think tonight I’ll seek out the second John Wick film - watch the first last night - so fucking good. You gotta love Keanu!

Day 190: Hopefully the last Sunday of having an enforced no-work-on-Monday so I’m going to have a beer or two (it’s now 8:20pm - just cracked open a Bud), watch American Sniper and eat Chilli and naan bread and onion rings. I did a 12 km walk today - I recall a time when 40-45 minuts walking was enough. Today’s walk was 2 hours! I know it’s only walking but I feel fitter than I have for years; still unfit, but fitter. Day 191: Well, I enjoyed the decadence of boozing last night but it meant getting up at after midday! Still managed two walks, trip to Tesco’s in Hampton after picking up the mystery parcel from Warmington PO. It was two unknown bottles of beer for a marketing campaign I entered a few days ago! I have to not open the beers until I receive instruction whereby I’ll be joining in with other drinkers in video chat! Day 192: Smahed 500k steps for September with one day to go! Cleaned the kitchen - I’m going to do the whole house over the next few days while I have the free time since I’m back to work on Monday. The lad from next door called round this eveing to ask if I got the note. When I said yes, he told me they (he and his partner) can still hear music. FFS! I asked where their bedroom was, it’s along side mine, so I guess it’s the TV sound that is travelling up and disturbing them. Great, fuck knows what I should do if I want to watch anything after 10:30pm. I suppose going back to work is good timing..I shall be going to bed around that time myself, especially if I want to get up early to get a walk in before starting at 09.00 am.

Day 193: Typing on day 194. Only managed one walk today, before 9.00am. It made a great change walking that early. I then set about doing housework (which I started yesterday) - I want to clean the house from top to bottom before going back to work. i.e. while I have time during the working week. I did the Kitchen yesterday and the whole lounge today. It’s fucking knackering. I managed 519k steps in September, works out at 9.6 miles per day, which is good and, also, annoying. I have taken delivery and laundered all my new bedding. It’s brushed cotton lushness, can’t wait to try it. Last ‘happy hour’ of (this current) furlough, so I had beers (and a fucking spicey sausage casserole)...hence penning this a day late.

Day 194: I didn’t get out of bed until nearly 2pm, FFS. Spome with Ricky Roberts about kayaking, it sound sliek something I could take up but, I would need to join the boat club to have somewhere to get in and out!

Day 195: Sueanne from work called to let me know she’s taking over from Jim ‘til new yer and that the team are looking forward to my return - lovely. Dad called, he and Rita are fine as usual - lovely.

Day 196: Got up fater 2pm. I was seriously fucking wasted last night. Had a video chat with Fog - just checked, it ended at 02.04am and I did a lot more drinking and smoking after that. I still managed a 9.7km walk and am now going to settle down to a few (just a few!) beers, shepherds pie and watch Casino. Day 197: Quiet Sunday with some bizarre results in Super Sunday in the prem. Man U lost at home to Spurs 1-6 and Liverpool were thrashed at Villa Park, 7-2. Work tomorrow, feeling a little apprehensive, not sure why. Got to go to the office (to reset password) at 09.00am

Day 198: Back to work. It went OK. I had to go to the office so that my a/c could be enabled and password reset and t get VPN working. There were a few problems but I was back home and logged in OK in the afternoon. Saw Mark in the office - he’s lost weight and was telling me about a cycling accident - I knew about it, but I didn’t realise he had been in hospital and had a plate put in his shoulder. He also has the exact same issue with codeine as me! I am pleased to be back at work but it’s different - no Jim and Sueanne in charge is the main thing. I’m just going to keep my head down; it’ll be for the best.

Day 199: Second day back at work and I’m (trying to) crack on with it. It’s all coming back... New walking boots arrived today (I have them on as I type); I reckon I’ll be OK to walk in them with no breaking in. That’s just as well as my evening walk took me by the marina and the path between the lock, the small bridge and, especially, the larger bridge into the field at the bottom of Basset Ford Road was flooded, no way my boots will be dry for tomorrow. I did my stair climb before work, 3.5 km walk at lunchtime and then a long, second one, as mentioned, later. I want to try and do a short walk before work in future, hopefully. On the way back from the lunchtime walk, I saw the lad from next door who thanked for me keeping the music down as per the note he left, so, that’s all good.

Day 200: I’ve started a work diary, à la ENDC....nowhere as urgently required but I just think it’s a good idea.

I wore my new boots for the lunchtime walk (3.6km) and they’re fine. However, I didn’t use them in the evening, they niggled the left foot a bit, so some breaking in is required. My usual ones were just about dry enough having been sat on the radiator! Day 201: Popped into the office today to pick up my full headset dongle, did a quick shop at Asda. So, only one walk today. I have not yet managed to get a walk in before work, just the stair climb, so missed out on a lunchtime walk today since I was shopping. Did 8.5km in the evening. Bought a card online for K’s birthday. Not sure why, we seem not to be communicating - I haven’t heard from her for over a month now which, as mentioned before, I shouldn’t find as hard as I do. The card’s pretty cool though, a quip about just getting a card as a present would involve non-essential travel. Now I am back at work, I want a to do loist app. I recall a smart one that was a linear/curved affair that I saw on Producthunt but, fuck me, I couldn’t find it after over an hour looking. Then I checked Google apps and there it was (Lightpad.ai) - I was chuffed and relieved. The lad from oundle School has been trying to get hold of me via Messenger (he tells me by email) so he can interview for the article in the Chronicle. He has pencilled in Saturday at 6pm.Fuck knows if it will go ahead, the whole thing is sketchy. Day 202: First week back at work over and done. I ordered some stuff from Amazon (slippers and socks) and they offered a free trial of Prime, which is the norm, but, seeing as I have had a free trial under that a/c, I assumed it would error, as I have seen before. This time it didn’t! So, tonight, I just about to have some beers, eat pizza and watch The Gentlemen,. It was suggested by Miles on FB when I asked for recommendations. It’s been on my to-watch list since its release. I need some cheering up, I’m having a low ebb today.Day 203: Typing on day 204. The Gentlemen was pretty good. I had lots of beers and smoke and went to bed fucking late, gone 4am. Up at lunchtime. I was meant to be going up Foggy’s for a few beers and to listen to Cobblers vs Posh but I sacked that off. I went for a walk at tea time when it got dark fucking quick and pissed down. I didn’t mind ‘cos Posh won 0-2. I watched two films in the evening: Master and Commander: Far Side of the World and Official Secrets. Both excellent. Day 204: Another late night, so up at just before 2pm. 12.64 km walk! I’m going to make stirfry and watch Knives Out...taking advantage of Amazon Prime.Day 205: I didn’t watch Knives Out last night, Amazon Prime was playing up. Tonight, however, after uninstalling and reinstalling the LG app, it’s working again. But, rather than a film, I have started watching The Boys series. 3/4 through the first episode and I’m kinda hooked. Another long walk tonight (I didn’t go out before work or at lunchtime), over 5 miles. My new boots are a marvel...they’re still new - I can tell I’ve got a little bit of wearing in still to do, but, pretty much from the off, I can walk long distances in them. I’m impressed. I think, because they are so light, they may be susceptible to the cold, especially now I can walk for longer periods without hypo-ing. The snow and frost will be the test.Day 206: Bit of a frustrating day at work. I am pleased I have a diary of events to update, that’s all I will say on this potentially public diary. Had a chat with Mark about certain aspects of the day, it was a good chat whereby he agreed with some of my gripes. In the evening I took part in a Ipsos marketing test of two beers with a whole bunch of people online. Ultimately, you have to choose one of two beers you prefer and answer questions why. It’s then revelaed which beer you chose. The beer I iked best was Stella but 4.6%, I think that’s the next product iine for them. You don’t get to find out the other beer. I shoudl recieve a £15 amazon voucher for partaking. If that actually happens, I’m going to buy a pair of gaiters. My new boots are fab (although I did turn my ankle last night) but their insides don’t half attract gravel and debris.Day 207: A productive day incorporating ToDoist with work and GCal, I have sacked off Lightpad.ai (it was too cumbersome moving tasks between dates) - so I managed to tick a few things off the task list as a result (responding to Jo Broom’s voicemail, chasing an eye appointmen, for example). Tim came round and did the garden, nice chinwag. I saw little Derek the other day, as well, he’s not coping great with the whole pandemic atm, certainly now lockdown has relaxed, he’s not as social as before. Day 208: Had a chat with Sueanne today, which is not unusal, and I was asking about creating KBs...she remarked how well, and quickly, I getting up to speed. It pleased me. I am having battered fishcakes, potato wedges and peas for tea. I am looking forward to it the most ridiculous amount (it’s cooking as I type). I shall eat as I watch more of the rather excellent The Boys. Seinfeld is on the back burner atm. Day 209: Emily Folgate’s room mate at uni has tested positive for Covid19! Marc’s avoiding the pub and I am glad I didn’t pop up there last Saturday! Bumped into Ash and Dee when i walked past the vets, chatted for 5 mins, it was really nice to see them. The lady next door (38) stopped me outside to say she recently realised that it was me who posts photos to FB, and said they’re ‘amazing’! End of week 2 back at work. As I type, I’m on my first beer, about to have many more and a smoke, half way through The Trial of the Chicago 7 on Netflix. Living the dream! Day 210: Things got messy last night. Sugar levels were a mess. I couldn’t even make it upstairs at one point, laid down on the long rug nursing a big bottle of coke. Got up at around 1pm and did usual shit, now having a beer, spicy sausage casserole in the oven (and it is fucking spicy) and I’ll pick a film to watch in a bit. Posh won, 2-0 at home to Oxford, up to 4th, one point behind Lincoln.

#diary #Tumblr diary #lockdown #covid19 #lockdownuk

1 note · View note

cruddyborderlandstheories · 5 years

Text

im supposed to be working on uh literally anything else but instead i gotta get this outta my brain

tl;dr: slag is causing the Psychos to spread across the galaxy bc the Calypsos are using it to both brainwash their cultists and give them ‘special powers’. i mean, its not just slag, it’s eridian ruins/tech, too, but the Twins are utilizing slag the most. which explains the slagfalls and also the processed eridium everywhere still. im hoping sirens will help us cure this- starting with Krieg because slag/Psychos have some sort of connection to the other dimension, just like Sirens, but more messy. also this insanity from the slag/Psycho-ness is literally Mayhem and us fans are taking part in it- we’re the cult irl. plus, this game is gonna be about love and the relationships we have with the people we care about and that’s all the roses mean because i’m feeling s o f t tonight. tomorning. whatever maaaaan

“… among their fractured ramblings, it is tempting to try and find a deeper meaning…”

“[their madness] defies attempts at explanation or containment. from an isolated region of a single planet, to a nearby moon, to systems throughout every human colony, madness is catching…”

you can’t tell me this isn’t just BEGGING for us to figure it out

so, for my own sake:

i have a theory.

i kinda sorta hinted at this with my destroyer theory but i REALLY wanna go all out in this because i think this is actually something to think about… mostly because ive seen A Scene… and i wants to talk about it, vh. i wants it

now im gonna `lol` ignore everything about my lost legion eternal theory and start entirely from scratch. it’s also 1am here for my apologies if this comes across as incoherent because wow i should be asleep but fuck it i got research to do

so it all starts with psychos. i mean i guess it does. it’s gotta right? i brought in pictures it must

anyway

the guide admits that the first psychos came from Dahl’s prison colonies

the ones abandoned on pandora, now ive kinda talked about this b4 but imma talk about it again bc uhhh fuck it? why not.

so we know a lot of the bandits left on Pandora mutated because of the eridian ruins/the key. this is referenced mostly in sledge’s mine

its like world-wise called headstone mine but i never remember that. SLEDGE’S MINE

notice that line “most went crazy and many were physically mutated as well”

so i think it’s safe to say whatever they found in there started causing psychos to appear on pandora

im saying that i think eridians are the cause of Psychos across the galaxy

i have a lot more proof for this so please sit back and enjoy the ride because i think its really really cool

so lets look at hector’s logs from the newest dlc

“one of my boys found a shiny alien trinket”

“a few boys went rabid already, had to put them down”

now idk if there’s a connection here, but it’s interesting that both times, people who found these eridian artifacts started going crazy soon after

shit i mean even tannis begins to go off the wall after her and her dig team start investigating the eridian sites. although if that is because of the horrific incidents that befell her and her team or the ruins idk for certain. i’d bet its the shitty incidents tho

there’s more to this, hang on…

alright, so, lab rats? they’re pretty cool right?

we all like lab rats! personally, chase is my favorite, but adam is hilarious. that final season, huh? pretty wicked… wasn’t really a fan of the island setting but you know what, to each their own. it’s cool they actually progressed the show instead of staying stagnant. that got my respect even if it moved in a direction that wasn’t my cup of tea.

anyway Q U O T E S:

“Hyperion opened my eyes. i didn’t want it!”

“needles in my eyes!”

“don’t you look at me!”

“i can see! i don’t want to see!”

so there’s obviously something ~fucky~ going on with the lab rats and whatever it is they can see from the hyperion experimentation. we know hyperion had a hard-on for slag experimentation and you know i wouldn’t even be shocked if they were injecting these rats’ eyes with slag.

the best part is their reactions when they’re phaselocked. Unlike most enemies, the lab rats will only react to maya’s action skill, and none of the other VHs.

vs something like a marauder:

who has all these voice lines for Zer0, Axton, Sal (merc), AND Maya

the lab rats will only ever respond to being phaselocked.

and what do they say?

“i see the universe!”

“i see infinity!”

“it’s beautiful!”

(now weirdly enough i was told on the tv tropes for bl2 that the lab rats will say “I see it more!” when phaselocked by maya, but i couldn’t find a source for that. couldn’t even find it in the files i extracted from the game. i checked an online video just to double check because you know, my extraction could’ve been off, but it wasn’t there, either. even phaselocked one a bunch as maya and i couldn’t get it to proc. so, idk where that info came from, if someone could give a source/proof that would be awesomesauce.)

sooo what do other enemies say when phaselocked? usually… they just see blue. so nothing quite as interesting as infinity.

so wtf is up here?

im thinking the experiments hyperion performed on the lab rats are letting them see the dimension maya locks them in. i mean, tbh, i think they can see into that dimension whenever they open their eyes, but maybe maya’s phaselock makes sense of it for them. because they seem to be in indescribable agony outside of it

but the lab rats aren’t the only enemies that only react to being phaselocked

turns out the psychos only react to phaselocking, too

they also have some fun lines:

“I can see forever!”

“I’m home!”

“I’m inside… I’M INSIDE ME!”

with some other nonsense thrown in for fun

so idk, just taking a look at this, it’s clear the psychos and lab rats are seeing something that the other bandits just aren’t seeing. most reactions are demands to be released or that they’re flying, or just straight up confusion as to what’s happening.

is that the side effect of their exposure to slag/eridian tech? yeah, imma bet on it. their mind machines probably broke because they saw something they weren’t supposed to (possibly into the other dimension. the one maya phaselocks them in) without proper ‘protection’ and thus went batshit. like maybe sirens are protected from the craziness of the other dimension because they’re ‘chosen’ or whatever. iunno.

i do think it’s most interesting that the psychos seem familiar with whatever they’re seeing, calling it ‘home’ and well… themselves.

so why in the fuck am i talking about all this? because i think it ties straight into bl3.

let’s bring back lab rats and their experiments

you know how hyperion was supposedly injecting their eyes with slag? and it caused them to shoot those weird blue lasers out?

what happens to the destroyer’s eye in tps?

yeah we inject this bad boy with slag

“i only juice the eye with a little bit of slag at a time”

which ends up causing a singularity around the eye the second time you do it

“if this slag stuff is powering the laser, we need to force as much of it as we can back into the eye. the increased power will trip a failsafe and let us shut everything down”

oh, increased power? you mean like how Sirens get increased power from absorbing eridium? that kind of increased power?

we know in bl1 the Destroyer seemed to have something like slag in it- those glowing pockets on the tentacles that explode into purple goo

even its attacks are like purple liquid. which, you know… would be quite similar to slag (tho tbf, these attacks actually hurt instead of applying the debuff)

and boy does the destroyer not like it

“warning. space-time instability detected.” after injecting the eye with too much slag. but… why? it got too powerful? are its powers directly connected to the other dimension and by increasing it’s strength a bunch we created some sorta link between our dimension and the other one?

i mean given the other dimension allows for teleportation and shit, im not surprised there’s a space-time instability!

i mean we’ve all seen it do the eye laser thing, and the tentacles, and the purple goop. but causing space-time instabilities… that’s new isn’t it? kinda like how Sirens get new powers after they absorb a bunch of eridium???

so i wanna take a guess as to what the destroyer is

we know its ‘immortal in its own realm’ but when it’s taken an actual body that we can kill it, so odds are, it never actually died in bl1 OR tps. i imagine the Destroyer we see in bl1 is just a small fragment of it, and that it’s consciousness can be spread out across hosts. *EDIT: actually the lovely @automata-systemata-hydromata reminded me that you can find the destroyers brain in Helios. The other stuff I left in should be fine tho I thiiiink (thank you!).

and that, y’know, is cool and all, but what IS it??

Jack uses slag to give it a power boost, but it doesn’t seem to be happy about it when it happens. in fact, it even seems scared.

to be honest, all we know is that the eridians locked it away for some reason

idk im just spitballing here, but what if the Eridians were the creators of the destroyer? not intentionally, or maybe it was the result of one hell of a slag experiment/exposure to the other dimension/eridian tech, but we’ve seen what slag/exposure to eridian stuff does to humans… makes them go crazy, makes them start mutating. i mean, look at badass psychos. look at goliaths.

i mean shit even think about bloodwing. she goes wild, attacking the VHs and not listening to mordecai’s instructions despite their bond

she grows to a huge size and gains a whole shitload of new powers she didn’t have before. including fucking fire breath (which we’ve seen in burning psychos)

you know these dudes

i go into all this eridium/slag mutation stuff in SO much more detail in this post here, so if you’re interested in mutations, read this!

so what if the destroyer is just one HELL of a mutated eridian/alien and it plus all the eridium was locked away forever in the other dimension to keep this from ever happening again? because god, i wouldn’t want that to ever happen again, either, and i guess locking away the eridium (you know the stuff used in all these hyperion experiments) would be their best bet at ensuring it. also maybe just… locking away anything with eridium for that long probably isn’t the best idea… maybe that’s why it’s all tentacles and death. maybe they just locked someone away in a Vault as a prison and then leaving them with all that eridium caused them to mutate wildly out of control. kinda like the FEV.

i mean we know ‘slagged psychos’ look like this

i wouldn’t be surprised if we gave them enough slag/time they’d end up mutating even worse. and the destroyer was left in the vault for hundreds of years.

so wtf is the connection here with Sirens? there’s gotta be one, right??? is slag experimentation the first rung on the ladder of volatile science to achieving siren-hood? like you’d have slag/eridium experiments/mutations -> the lost legion eternal -> actual Sirens. maybe if sirens take in too much eridium they become something like the destroyer. now that’s fucked up to think about.

maybe it’s better the twins took lilith’s powers away from her…

oh, speaking of mutations and burning psychos and hyperion experiments, you know what we haven’t talked about yet?

Krieg.

let’s talk a whole lot about Krieg, because he is super important

krieg is important for a lot of reasons.

u know what his teaser trailer was named?

yeah i don’t think that’s coincidence one bit

ahhh Mayhem.

“deep beneath pandora, an experiment has escaped”

we know krieg is a hyperion test subject, dr samuels confirms this (and apparently contracts insanity as well at the end of the Crawmerax DLC)

also we know some other tests going on at the WEP from the quest Doctor’s Orders:

“this vault key didn’t make eridium come outta the ground for nothing, right?”

and there’s this one very very very interesting line by Tannis at the end of the quest:

“the spread of slag poisoning” yeah call it that DUMB name tannis, im gonna call it what all the kool kids are calling it: ~Mayhem~

so… Krieg.

what’s so special about him?

well… he gives us insight into what the hell is actually going on inside the heads of some psychos.

so idk about you guys but i always took this as a poke at Maya and Krieg, but i realize now that this is talking literally just about Krieg. it’s about his body holding both sides of himself.

krieg does appear to be like lucid behind the psycho controlling his body, which, idk about you guys, but for me that plants some pretty horrible mental images of all the psychos in-game who probably have similarly exasperated people behind them who are getting murdered because they can’t control themselves anymore.

and idk i wrote this whole post about how maybe the slag experimentation is turning people into hosts for the destroyer’s consciousness and that could explain all the wacked up psychos and shit. but tbh im not gonna talk about that today

just about slag experimentation/eridium exposure. we know what it ACTUALLY does and that’s mutate the hell out of things and cause insanity.

Krieg is like… the poster child for slag experimentation/eridium exposure

soooo why does slag experimentation make people go insane? could be any number of reasons, but tbh i would bet it has to do with that other dimension somehow. because eridium isn’t a normal ‘our dimension’ element. it came out of a vault. from a different dimension. and who knows the long-term effects of that shit.

i personally had a theory that the 4th dimension had something to do with time and that only Sirens are able to harness this power, but then i have no idea how to explain angel and amara’s powers through that lense, so eh. fuck it. just seeing an upper dimension would make you go crazy anyway, so let’s not bring any time shit into this because that’s just asking for trouble.

either way

i think that sirens are able to make sense of that other dimension. they have some sort of command of it/some sort of tie to it that allows them to not go crazy the instant they interact with it, unlike psychos. unlike lab rats. unlike Krieg. it’s like… eridium is our window into this other dimension or some shit and Sirens are (literally) able to process it, while it just fucks over anyone else who tries to interact. ~kachow i just introduced parallels~

and tbh i think we’re going to use Sirens to help cure this plague of insanity going around the universe. probably starting with Krieg. i mean, the only time he’s able to get even an iota of control is when he sees Maya. “Turn around pretty lady!!” like… that’s HUGE for him. and Maya’s a Siren. im not saying the power of love isn’t strong… but maybe the power of Sirens is stronger. i’d love if tannis helped us out with that. maya, too, if she really did learn more about sirens on athenas.

this all ties into borderlands 3 for 2 reasons:

1. Mayhem being both the tagline for this game and Krieg the Psycho’s DLC pack is not a coincidence

2. The calypso twins are going to be using slag to both brainwash people into becoming cultists and give them special powers

`breaks fingers` this is the real meat of this theory, all that other stuff was just getting you READY for this

let’s put the Mayhem stuff off to the side for a second and just focus on the Calypso twins.

We know they’re promising their cultists special powers and free brainwashes (lol)

we’ve seen that one concept art from the museum of mayhem with the giant slag pool

we know enemies are STILL dropping refined Eridium even though it seems like all manufacturers have stopped creating slag weaponry

and we’ve seen the slag falls in a bl3 promo material already

oh yes

okay so i said right at the very beginning of this document that i’ve seen A Scene that i wanna talk about and oh baby this is it

This Scene right here

look in the very back there

look familiar???

~it shooouuuuullld~

yeah this is it!!!

so what i think is going down: anyone who’s not already insane is sorta ‘baptized’ as their entrance into this cult in the big ol slagfall. maybe the twins have a way to induce slagged cultists so they can have elemental affinities. not sure about that.

regardless

the twins are using slag to drive people insane (turning them into psychos) as a form of brainwashing to force people to join their cult.

so that’s the special powers and the free brainwashing and the slagfalls down.

let’s talk about why exactly we’re seeing enemies drop bars of refined eridium even though hyperion stopped making them. because the twins are making it!! it makes sense why there’s no slag guns still, even if it still exists in-universe: of course no manufacturer is going to contact an insane bandit cult just to get their hands on slag for their guns.

there was a 7 year dry spell of eridium production so there was no slag to go around, so companies started phasing it out of their guns and replacing it with nuclear.

but the twins have recently started production again. they’re obviously not using it in their guns, or selling it to other manufacturers. so wtf are they using it for? it’s gotta be important, it’s holy holy holy.

special powers and brainwashing!

and the refined eridium is back in circulation, so enemies are still dropping it. see? solution acquired.

as for psycho-ness spreading across the universe? it makes sense. not only are the twins using their slag to brainwash people and turn them into psycho cultists, but people are also being mutated by the eridian ruins/vault keys/vaults on the other planets and being driven insane. This craziness is quite literally Mayhem.

Mayhem is coming, indeed!

now let us talk about what the fucccck gearbox is doing with all that Mayhem stuff in the trailers and shit.

sooo WE are the cult surrounding this game. as the fan base.

do u think it was coincidence that they made ‘ECHOnet’ Streamers the leaders of their big bad cult and then also immediately introduced, in real life, the Twitch ECHOcast extension and invited a bunch of streamers to play their demo? they knew exactly what they were doing. Giving away a free cultist psycho mask to everyone who preorders a console copy of the game? that’s intentional. everyone who preorders the game gets a ‘gold weapon skin pack’? yeah! you know what gold weapons represent in-universe? higher standing in the cult!! gearbox is making commentary on how we are all just like the cultists!

AND THEY ARE TOTALLY RIGHT

all the trailers having something to do with Mayhem? ‘Mask of Mayhem’ ‘Mural of Mayhem’ ‘We are Mayhem’ ‘Mayhem is coming’. We’re all insane cultists because we’re all absolutely fucking rabid for this game and they KNOW IT.

…

oh also we’re all in love with each other lmao.

in all seriousness, i think the game is going to focus a lot on the relationships we have with the people we care about- our found family, our romantic interests, our friendships- and that’s being expressed through the roses.

i think that’s why all the characters are shown in the roses on the cover art. why the roses are so prominent in the So Happy Together trailer. why Zane is sitting at a bar with a rose between himself and his clone (as a joke, but still, it’s the intent).

red roses are, like, the most obvious way to show your affection to someone. and we know the bl3 Vault Hunters are going to find family in each other in this game. that we’re going to watch the calypso twins’ relationship become warped as the game goes on. hell, we’re probably even going to have a whole plot about tina and mordy (and talon) and brick being a small family together, and maya and ava being one as well. plus ellie and vaughn have gotten together since commander lilith. shit, guys, even claptrap is building himself a girlfriend.

this game’s about love, guys.

anyway i have been working on this since 1:30am. it’s currently 6:06am. i am very tired and very wired and those never mesh well. im gonna go eat some motherfuckin pizza.

edit: i missed the obvious connection the first time around: of course we’re going to cure Krieg, he loves Maya. and this game is all about love.

that and/or one or both of them die and gearbox hurts us right in the softest parts of our hearts.

edit 2: also yeah at some point in the near future im writing that Hyperion-Twins theory because as much as i love Atlas, i have ~seen some things~

#borderlands #bl3 #borderlands 3 #the calypso twins #krieg #im so sorry this is like 1 billion pages #but i really had fun with it #i worked on this for a very very long time so i hope its coherent enough #i sorta just go on tangents and always repeat myself when i've said similar stuff in previous posts and i feel bad #but also i can't always put in EVERY single detail when im spending 5+ hours on a post just typing all this up anyway #so instead i reference old posts #but i feel like a dumb game of telephone #anyway #im very tired #it's time for pizza

48 notes · View notes

itsthwippingtime · 5 years

Note

Fav bloggers and why?

dahskhkasj theres so many!! how am i supposed to,,, uhhh okay i love every one i do if youre not on this list it does NOT mean that i don’t love you

without further ado and in no particular order (okay I’ve noticed some are longer than others and if youre anything like me you’ll read way too much into that but please don’t i don’t mean anything by it i love you all so so so so much)

im so sorry for how long this is. every person tagged in this; i love you so so so so much and thank you so much for just being there for me and just being a presence in my life i am so grateful for our friendship. that applies to everyone, no matter if we’ve talked every day or never, i love you all so so SO much!!!

@anidiotwithapen - my first friend on this site (literally) and they live in Germany so we don’t get to talk as much as i would like cause ugh timezones but i love them so much, a walking disaster, the Clint to my Nat (wait am i Nat? have we discussed this yet?) the number of crack head canons that should be canon and ideas we’ve come up with like wow. i love them so so so so so so so so much. amazing artist like wow check out their art blog @neraidamira

@hraewordsmith - my babes my aunt i love her so much IM GONNA MEET HER ASJKDHASJKHDKASHJKA Rae is literally my rock one of the most supportive, loving people (persons?) I’ve ever met i love her so so so so so so so so muchdasjhkjajzkjashdjk

@keep-a-bucket-full-of-stars - Leah. my babes. an angel on earth i love her so much!!!! I’m gonna meet her too!!! so supportive and loving and encouraging, an amazing writer, an amazing person i mean what else can i say about her???

@starkravingparker - my wife!!! my name twin!!! Ava May i love her so much and I’m so so so proud of her she is so strong and amazing every day she faces demons and battles but she never ever gives up truly inspirational to me i love her so much and I’m gonna meet her one day maybe years from now but we’ll meet definitely and she’ll have to show me all her favorite places to go and things to do!! an amazing singer ( @starkravingava) an amazing writer ( @stparkerwrites) and amazing at making icons/edits/that stuff that i know nothing about ( @starkravingshuri) truly a talented wonderful person i love her to death. she deserves so much love and happiness and I’m so proud of her jsdajkdjlksa

@loubuttons - lou. what can i say about lou. the sweetest person ever. always there to love on you and encourage you and hear you complain and be there to rant and shkjadsahjkska i love her so much literally an angel i cannot,,,, an amazing painter and writer and just deserves all the love in the world i love her so much

@marvelbased SOPHIA I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE the Bucky to my Sam i could not live without her she’s constantly making me laugh i wish i could give her the world because its what she deserves i love her so much she always supports me and encourages me and we’re gonna meet one day too i know it ill die if we don’t!! dsjkhasjk i just love her!!!!

@cartwheelandfaceplant - we don’t talk much but i love them!!! everything they reblog, marvel or not, is the Quality Content i signed up for and at least a third of my likes is probably posts from them amazing blog amazing person just amazing amazing amazing!!

@tonyintexas - ah Taylor. my partner in crime when it comes to a certain person i love her and her humor its so amazing Taylor is literally crazy but the best kind of crazy and she honestly has me cackling i love her so much

@smallittlebee - the sweetest ever!!! we don’t talk much but literally so so so so so sweet and um CHICKENS!!!!!

@peterparkerisntdead - literally Gwen’s tags and semi vague shit posts throw me into a fit every time i should expect it but i never do i never know what to expect from her she’s like a hurricane so unpredictable sdaljkasdakjsd i love her k so much!!!!!! just !!!!!!

@irondadgroupie - IM SORRY I HAVENT REPLIED TO OUR HEADCANONS IN SO LONG IM SO SO SO SORRY if maybe if you don’t mind waiting until May? my exams are over mid-may and I’m gonna try to have the out before then but its really getting stressful over here and I’m just so sorry for all the shitty excuses and me ignoring you you have no IDEA how sorry i am. i love you so much i love the head canons we come up with, so so supportive and has always supported me with my writing, since the very beginning and it means the world to me dsjakjhsjak i love you babes!!!!

@imveryobservant - ahhh Jessie i love her toooooo!!!!!! we don’t talk a whole lot but when we do its always so much fun!! there are two (2) things that make me think of Jessie: thank u, next and the muppets (i also think of Gwen when i think of the muppets)

@lovelyspidey - LIXI!!!!! Lixi and i don’t talk a whole lot either but i love her so much and she’s like the one person i can freak with about Spider-Man PS4 (LIXI YOU NEED TO FINISH IT HAVE YOU????) and she’s always been there and supported me from the beginning i love her. also my go-to girl for Tom fic recs ;)

@drowningfandoms - okay but literally idk what to say because i remember seeing your URL repeatedly in my notifs at the very beginning, and like sending me asks and stuff and it was so strange that one person liked me and wanted to interact with me. and look how far our friendship has grown!! i love you so so so much!!!! I’m so grateful for you and our friendship and just your presence in my life

@underoosstark - this bitch makes some of the best videos i have ever seen in my entire life!!!! please watch them!!! ugh your mind babes!! we don’t talk a lot either but always amazing and supportive and loving and so sweet and kind andjaksdhjksahdjkashjksahjkd

@messedupfangirl05 - this bitch exposes me in the best ways i love her so so so much she is so kind and supportive and just so funny and I’m so so proud of her and everything she’s done. i love her and the way she writes and just EVERYTHINGS!!!!!

@tominhoodies - STEPH!!! BABES!!!! k i love Steph so much she’s an amazing writer and i love her so so so so so much she’s so funny sometimes she disappeared for days or weeks but i know she does it for her and its whats best for her and i respect and admire the amount of self control she had i love her so much okay don’t talk to me

@knife-wielding-tentacle - listen. if it weren’t for this bitch right here i would have never been introduced to the glorious head canon that is Winter Soldier!Peter and i love it so much (okay I SWEAR I’m gonna answer those asks soon but when have you known me to ever do anything on time) i love them so much jdsakjaskdjlaksjkaklsadjkl please never stop with the head canons they give me life

@adaisyspetals - DAISY!!!!!! i love daisy so much!!!!! she sends me pictures of her cat and dog and i love them too!!!! so sweet and so supportive and i love love love her writing!!!! agasdgjhsags just so amazing i love you so so so much babes!!!!

@mostly-marvel-stuffs - hi!!! we used to talk a lot more than we do now and thats okay but i miss you lots babes!!!!! um just an amazing person altogether i love them!!!! we once calculated how long it would be to do a Disney marathon with all most of the Disney movies so we’re gonna do that one day when we can stay up for a week straight (how long did we say it would be?)

@protecthefuckingbees - idk why they follow me cause they’re literally like the coolest and I’m like,,, not but i love them so so so much so supportive and kind and loving and sdjkhajdhjkahdajk i just love you sooooo much!!!!!!

@tomhollandswhore - we talk like every three days but i cherish those conversations, literally so sweet and kind and supportive and a New Friend cause we don’t know each other super well yet but i already know i love them!!!!!

@tonystarkdadmode - oh my gosh okay so sweet and so amazing and so supportive and just so amazing i love love love them!!!! i love their header (its so iconic go look) and just dsjkasjkdasjkhdsjkadsajk love you so much babes!!!!!

@spider-boiii - the creator of my icon, always has me cackling, super amazing, really nice, I!!!! LOVE!!!!!! THEM!!!!!!!!!

@spookyclooky - k amazing artist first off! also like the only person i can talk to about Detroit: Become Human and (possibly) other PS4 games (we need to play GTA online one day i feel like that’d be a lot of fun haha!!!) i love them so much they’re so sweet and very patiently put up with my incessant questions about DBH, as annoying as they were

@sup-mr-stark, @mysteryavengers, @death1by3thoughts, @tamaranianprincess, @tomhollandeu @tomhollanders2013, @ebonyheartnet, @avengvr, @anxieteandbiscuits, @theincorrectavengers, @spiderman-homecumming, @my-babies-are-ash, @she-loves-her-queens-of-whump - these blogs… we don’t talk a whole lot and i really wish we did, but we all just kinda stand by and support and love each other even tho we’ve had like 3 or less conversations BUT THEYRE STILL ALL AMAZING AND HAVE AMAZING BLOGS AND ARE JUST ALTOGETHER AMAZING PEOPLE I LOVE THEM!!!!

#this is so long #but i loved doing this #i love y'all so much #asks #avah answers #anon

83 notes · View notes

texanredrose · 5 years

Text

Shivers in the Cold

Based on @pocket-penny‘s ideas! Mama!Winter AU set in a semi-canon continuity, around the time of V1.

Winter strode through the halls of Atlas Academy with her chin tilted up and gaze fixed ahead of her, ignoring the hushed whispers all around her from passing students. She remembered being one of them- a mere child, thrust into a hard won world where she could shape her own destiny only if she had the strength to reach out and do so- and she keenly recalled seeing the few Specialists who would come periodically, marching down the main hall to the labyrinthine interior offices that housed the command staff of Atlas’ military forces. They never looked around, never acknowledged the students, and that sort of aloofness appealed to a young woman raised in the Schnee household. It was how her mother regarded her, how her father did when he wasn’t incensed, and she wanted to possess that sort of solid confidence, the ability to brush off the world as if it meant nothing.

Graduating and enlisting constituted the first two steps towards that goal. Her father had objected at first, not content with having her out of his sight and away from his control, but she’d carved an ivory mask for herself. He couldn’t intimidate her and her victories motivated Weiss in turn, every moment spent away from school or duty used to train her younger sister in combat. Winter became the lost cause and Weiss the new focus of his frustration but she’d given the middle child the tools she needed to break free. That she chose to attend Beacon instead of Atlas spoke to the strength of Weiss’ will and Winter could be proud of that.

She hadn’t said the words, of course. Chided her sister’s overconfidence- she’d done that the moment she saw bloody bandages around the younger woman’s left eye, because the lessons would serve her better in pursuit of her goals than simple praise. Winter had always known Weiss possessed the innate ability and drive, that she just needed it channeled, and allowing her sister to lapse into complacency would be the surest way to dash those hopes.

So, she remained strong. Aloof, and allowed the words to be said without ever leaving her lips, for the best.

Brushing through the door at the end of the hall with nothing more than a nod to the military personnel stationed outside it, Winter proceeded through the winding maze of desks and offices, past pencil pushers and planners, to find herself standing before a familiar door. Four years ago, she’d stood in this exact spot beside three other fresh faced teenagers and, together, they received their first team assignment from the Headmaster. Now, she would receive yet another assignment from the same man, as her General and commanding officer, bereft of the few friends she’d made over the years.

Out of all their differences, this stood as the one she could honestly pinpoint as the one Weiss had done right. According to her letters, she’d made fast friends with her teammates- a hyperactive leader, a quiet book worm, and a brash brawler- and spoke of them glowingly, now moreso than when the semester started.

Steeling her nerves, Winter rapped her knuckles against the thick oak door three times, satisfied by the sharp noise that followed. A few moments later, she heard the muffled order to enter and swept into the room with her shoulders back, marching to the large desk and stopping a few steps away. She snapped off a crisp salute.

“Specialist Schnee, reporting for duty, Sir.” Winter waited until the man acknowledged her before dropping her arm and settling into a more comfortable but attentive position. Although she hadn’t looked anywhere except at her commanding officer upon entering the room, she could feel another set of eyes on her- somewhere back and to the right of her. It wasn’t the sort of heavy, disapproving stare she usually felt and likely had nothing to do with her, so she didn’t bother with investigating.

“Schnee, right on time.” General Ironwood let out a heavy sigh, rubbing at his temple. “I’m afraid I have a mission for you that’s a bit... out of your area of expertise.”

Winter’s brows twitched, slightly. She prided herself on excelling at every conceivable measure a soldier could be weighed by, with a spotless record and a diverse skillset, and she’d found herself surpassing even those above her in seniority. “Whatever it is, Sir, I’m sure I can handle the task.”

“You say that now.” He stood, bracing himself against the desk for a moment before standing up fully. When his eyes fell on her again, they didn’t belong to a superior officer or a Headmaster. Instead, she saw the man who’d pulled her aside three years ago and talked to her about her future- the first person to speak of such as a tangible thing she had the power to control rather than a vague idea predestined by blood or an unscrupulous father. “We’ve developed something truly unique, Winter. I’m not sure if we can even put a name to it yet but this has the potential to change the face of Remnant as we know it.” The General walked around his desk, prompting her to turn and face him as he stopped in front of her. “However, something as new as this is... delicate. Were news to get out, I can’t imagine the repercussions we would face- both as a Hunter Academy and as a kingdom. Atlas depends on the utmost secrecy in this regard.”

“Absolutely, Sir,” she replied, mollified that her abilities weren’t under question; to the contrary, the magnitude of her mission simply demanded the best of her skills. “You have my word; I will keep this secret. It will never leave this room.”

“Good, but I’m afraid that last part isn’t possible.” Ironwood’s gaze shifted towards whoever else occupied the room. “Penny, come here.” Winter turned her head, seeing a young ginger wearing a green skirt, a smattering of freckles across her cheeks and bright green eyes. She didn’t seem old enough to attend the Academy, nor did she look particular inclined to become a Huntress, but Weiss’ description of her team leader seemed similar. “This is Penny- officially, Penny Polendina. She is the future of Atlas military.”

With a slow blink, the Specialist did her best to refrain from showing her disbelief. “In... what way, Sir?”

“In every way.” Turning his attention to the young woman, the General put a hand on her shoulder. “Penny, this is Specialist Winter Schnee. She will be your guardian for the next few months. Greet her, just like we talked about.”

“Greetings, Specialist Winter Schnee!” The young woman almost bellowed, causing both soldiers to draw back slightly from the volume.

Recovering her composure, Winter took a moment to collect herself and extend one hand, defaulting to the most formal tone she’d been taught while growing up. It always seemed as if the easiest way to interact with those younger than herself lay in acting- or at least sounding- older, more refined, to garner that instant sort of respect. “Salutations, Miss Polendina.”

The ginger tilted her head to the side, completely ignoring the woman's hand. “Sal-u-ta-tions?”

“It’s another greeting.” The General sighed. “You may need to give her time to process everything. She’s very young, by every standard imaginable, and you’ll be her new teacher.”

“Sir, what about the girl’s parents? Or other relatives?” Although the last person to put utmost faith in family members, Winter could see a lot of... potential backlash without a proper agreement existing beforehand, and she’d learned a thing or two about the difference between questioning orders and inquiring to the extent those orders would cover her own actions. Seeing as the young woman didn't seem keen on shaking her hand, she withdrew it and placed it behind her back, focusing on her commanding officer entirely.

“Penny doesn’t have parents, not in the traditional sense.” Ironwood drew himself up, glancing down at the ginger. “She is the first artificial sentient being capable of generating aura- a robot with a soul, if you will. She’s only been online for a few hours but it’s obvious that no amount of programming will give her the experience she needs to pass as human.” His gaze shifted to her. “I plan on integrating her with students this year, in time to compete at the Vytal festival and test her prowess against students from the other Academies. It will provide an excellent baseline to measure her combat abilities against...” The corners of his lips turned down. “However, as it is, she’s... not exactly subtle and the other kingdoms might have some strong objections to this sort of weaponry being fielded.”

“Sir, with all due respect, what exactly am I supposed to do?” She tried to keep the irritation from her tone. Aside from being introduced to, effectively, an upgraded version of her usual retinue of Knights, Winter didn’t see much need for her presence.

“Become her guardian,” he replied, clasping his hands behind his back. “Teach her how to interact with others and hold a conversation. Raise her, in a sense. You’ll also be training her to fight.” The General moved back to sit behind his desk. “I know you mentioned that you trained your sister in combat- trained her well enough to be accepted into Beacon despite no transcripts from a formal combat school. I know Professor Ozpin very well; he wouldn’t have accepted such an odd case without being reasonably sure that she’s capable.”

“That’s an entirely different scenario-”

“Not from where I’m standing.” He put a hand on his chair and glanced between them. “She learns faster than anyone you’ve ever met and I wouldn’t give you this mission if I didn’t believe you fully capable of completing it.” With that, he sat down, grabbing a manila folder and handing it to her. “Here is all the documentation you’ll need. Effective immediately, she’s a ward of the state being put into your care, Winter, and we have three months until the festival.” He looked at her then- as an officer, as a Headmaster, and as the closest thing to a real father she’d ever had. “I know you can do this. Don’t let me down.”

That straightened her posture and banished any sliver of doubt from her mind. “I won’t.”

“Good.” With a nod towards both of them, he turned his attention elsewhere. “You’re both dismissed. I expect a progress report next week.”

Winter delivered another crisp salute and turned on heel, marching to the door and stopping with her hand on the knob. Turning her head to look over her shoulder, she noted the robot hadn’t moved. “Penny, come with me.”

Bright green eyes- or, perhaps, some manner of sensors that mimicked eyes disturbingly well- snapped to her before her head gave a quick jerk, an approximation of a nod that preceded the awkward motion of movement, stiff even by military standards. The robot fell into step behind Winter, the two of them going back through the winding maze. The way she carried herself discouraged lingering looks- and she doubted many within the internal machinations of the higher echelons would ask questions anyway- and all the students were herded into classrooms or training halls by the time they stepped back out into the main hall.

With every step, Winter’s mind raced: with her new orders, it seemed like she would be stabilized near Atlas HQ for the next few months. She would need to be assigned living quarters and have her airship grounded rather than simply docked. On top of everything, she would need to adjust her expectations accordingly; being in such close proximity to the Schnee estate and not going to visit her father would surely invite a host of problems all its own, unless she minimized her presence as much as possible. That would be a trial in its own right but she would deal with it when the time came.

“Specialist Winter Schnee?” Her shoulders jumped, the volume of the robot’s address catching her off guard. “Where are we going?”

“First off, lower your voice.” Winter stopped, attempting to turn around and address her new charge directly, but found herself pushed a few feet along as Penny didn’t stop and quite nearly ran her over. “Secondly, be mindful of where you’re going.” Green eyes watched her for a moment, making her brows furrow as she straightened out her jacket. “I expect an answer when I address you, Penny.”

“But you didn’t ask a question.”

Reining in her frustration, she kept the General’s words in mind and tried again. “Answer can also apply to statements. When one directs a statement towards you, they expect to be spoken to in turn, usually in regards to the topic they brought up. Now, to answer your question, we’re going to the satellite office for the Atlesian military to be issued a temporary domicile. It’s on the edge of the grounds, away from the students, so follow me. And not so closely this time.”

“I will comply with that statement, Specialist Winter Schnee.”

“You may call me ‘Winter’ for the duration of your time under my guardianship.” They walked through the main doors and out into the sunshine beyond. Seeing as the school year had just started, the tail end of summer had just left them, allowing for the mild heat to be combated easily by cool breezes. “Now, I have a few rules that will make the next few months a bit easier on both of us. First, unless explicitly stated otherwise, you will follow me. This will make it easier for me to keep an eye on you.”

“I am confused. How can you keep an eye on me if I’m behind you? Isn’t direct line of sight required for you to put your eye on me? Aren’t eyeballs supposed to stay in the ocular cavity?”

“It’s an idiom, Penny.” She sighed, rubbing at her temple. This would be a long three months.

Hours later, they stood before an apartment building a few miles away from the Academy campus. It didn’t look like much but, frankly, military lodging rarely did. They had a first floor, two bedroom dwelling with a kitchen, single bathroom, and laundry facilities- more than adequate for their needs.

Well, her needs, anyway. Penny had oh-so-helpfully informed her that she only required an electrical port to recharge her primary battery. Apparently, generating an aura didn’t come with powering her... exoskeleton. It was a bit difficult to wrap her head around- the usual Paladins and Knights didn’t inform her of their battery status, they just swapped out with the fully charged ones- but she’d established a sort of ‘bedtime’ to ensure Penny wouldn’t be wandering around the apartment while she slept. She’d already had to stop the robot from examining everything in the housing office, to include an electric pencil sharpener, and it proved that Winter would need to pay close attention if they spent any length of time in public.

At her feet sat a duffel bag, packed with a few changes of her uniform and more casual clothes so she could blend in with the general populace. Penny, unfortunately, didn’t have a wide wardrobe; she’d only had the single outfit prepared before being released into Winter’s custody and the manila folder contained a military account number so she could purchase the necessary supplies.

“Considering the... interesting day, I think it would be most prudent to order some manner of delivery and turn in early for the night." She glanced down to her side, expecting some manner of confused response. Instead, she was met with silence as Penny stared behind them, at a playground currently inhabited by five or six children, running around like little heathens and screaming while their parents talked in a little huddle off to the side. "Penny?"

"Are they like me?" The robot's gaze followed the running children, most of them about the same age her exterior approximated, although she certainly looked a year or two younger than the age specified on her documentation.

"No, they are not." She turned and waved a hand towards the playground. "Those are human children. Your objective is to emulate their behavior." Her lips turned down at the corners. "Not perfectly, mind. You should endeavor to be well behaved."

"Are they not being well behaved?"

"They're..." Winter blinked, glancing at the children again. For a moment, an old memory resurfaced, one she'd thought discarded long ago. She wore dresses back then, her hair free around her shoulders, and she'd ask to go play with the other children. They'd passed a park somewhere near the SDC headquarters, where her father had decided to parade her about like some sort of trophy, and he'd brushed off her request with a biting comment about behaving better than some lowly, common ruffian. "They're playing. It's what children do."

Penny looked up at her. "I know I'm not a human, but am I a child?"

"For all intents and purposes, I would say so," she said slowly, caught between being honest and being mindful of the General's intentions. "But if anyone inquires, you're seventeen years old, quite nearly an adult by our standards."

"Does... that mean I can't play?"

Winter considered the request for a moment, all too keenly remembering the disappointment that had filled her tiny chest when she'd been denied the same request. "I... suppose it couldn't hurt." She straightened out her uniform and rolled her neck. "Come. I'm sure you can play... uh, I believe it's called 'tag' or something similar."

"Tag?"

"Yes, it's a game children like to play." Bending down, she collected her bag and lead Penny across the street, making the short distance to the playground. It seemed the sort of area that was maintained as a neighborhood park, which she supposed would facilitate the process of socializing the robot in lieu of actually attending Atlas Academy. "Someone is designated 'it' and they must run after others, lightly tapping one to transfer the designation. It's everyone else's job to avoid the person with the designation." She stopped at the edge of the playground and nodded to herself. "Think of it as your first lesson in pursuit and evasion. Only use fifty percent of your abilities, though."

"How do I initiate the game?" Penny looked at the children- who seemed to be aware of the newcomers' presence and stealing glances their way- and then back.

"Approach them and ask if you can play. If they say no, return to me and we'll find some other activity to occupy our time," she replied, at least thankful that the robot had no shame or shyness to overcome and simply didn't understand what would be standard social procedure by this point in a person's life. "And remember to be polite. Say please when you ask and thank you when they reply, regardless of what that reply is. Am I understood?"

"Yes, Winter." With that, the robot marched off to attempt her first interaction with beings 'her age', so to speak.

She watched, ready to intervene if needed to protect the property of Atlas military, but she could feel the approach of someone else, the intrusion already unwelcomed long before the words came.

"Excuse me." She turned her head, regarding a woman over a decade her senior, a clearly fake smile on her lips. Judging by the amount of make-up and the state of her clothes, she was likely someone convinced that by dressing and acting just so she could be perceived as someone more important than she actually was. Perfect. "Is that your niece?"

"She's adopted," Winter replied coolly, not allowing her concern to show as the eldest of the children- a young man, perhaps about sixteen- gave Penny a crooked grin and a nod, seeming to agree to the ginger's request. However, something lurked just behind his eyes, something recognizable but not immediately identifiable and it put her on edge. "I'm her legal guardian."

"Oh! Such a generous soul." The woman chuckled, the sound grating on the ears but not enough to warrant a sharp rebuke. "How fortunate she must feel to have been taken in by someone belonging to our illustrious military. No doubt your exceptional discipline will have her whipped into shape in no time."

The comment caught her attention, causing a twitch in her brow as the children began playing a game of tag. Seemingly, due to being the newest one to join, Penny started off as 'it' and lightly jogged after the other kids, who dashed towards a... jungle gym, she believed was the term. "And what, exactly, makes you thinks she requires discipline?"

"Well, it's just how they are, dear." Winter turned her head, conveying either disbelief or confusion; either way, the woman continued as if she'd merely remarked on the weather. "Taking someone into your home; there's bound to be some behavioral problems, especially with as old as she is." The woman frowned. "Why, she doesn't seem to walk right! It's a shame, really, being burdened when you try to do a bit of good." Some part of her wanted to summon her beowolf to chase the woman away, the race to see which would rouse her anger first- the woman's voice, the unwanted disturbance, or the entitled vein of the conversation- decidedly won in that very moment. Winter had dealt with these types before; they practically swarmed the Schnee manor whenever an event was held. "Hopefully, you'll have kids of your own one day to make you proud. Like my little Hansel- why he's the light of my life! He's finishing up his last year at combat school before attending Atlas Academy."

Although she’d rather tune the woman out, Winter continued listening while her gaze kept track of Penny’s movements. Even when limited to fifty percent her abilities, she could keep pace with the others well enough- and they well knew it. Hansel didn’t seem too happy about this, ducking through a set of bars and coming out the other side, a quick motion preceding something rather curious. When Penny took her next step, her foot moved out from under her, balance robbed in the fraction of a second. The robot, however, had reactions to match her above average strength and speed, quickly recovering and continuing her pursuit.

“I was quite the candidate myself, back in the day, you know, but I chose a different path. Now it’s up to my precious Hansel to live out his mother’s dream.”

Penny caught up to the boy again- his endurance severely lacking considering how winded he was already- and again he made a quick motion, a small bit of dirt and rocks flying into the robot’s face as she tagged him. The surprise attack stunned her, enough for him to smack her shoulder- and hard too if the wince that followed was any indication, though Penny seemed more inclined to regard his reaction with her brand of stoic curiosity rather than any manner of offense.

“He’ll become the leader of his own team, go on to-”

Finally, she’d had enough.

“He’ll be lucky if he isn’t kicked out before the end of the first year,” Winter said, reaching the limit of her patience and projecting her voice. “Penny!” She waited for those bright green eyes to meet hers. “Increase your speed by twenty percent.”

She remembered the balls, the parties, the meetings growing up- how her father had lauded abilities beyond her reach and held her accountable when she failed to meet expectations. She could get perfect grades and not be smart enough, she could be the fastest in her class and still be slow, she could weather more blows and triumph against stacked odds and still only achieve anything by luck. Growing up as a Schnee had pushed her to the limits of her body and her sanity before she’d had enough of it, rejecting her father’s ever changing expectations kept just out of her reach in favor of the strict, mandated standards set by the military, where she could take refuge in rules and regulations laid out in plain black-and-white text rather than some figment of her father’s imagination for who and what she should be.

Ultimately, her father was a product in the same line as this woman. And she’d had enough.

“Yes, Winter!”

As the robot returned her attention to the game, the soldier set her sights on the woman beside her. Thankfully, neither the name nor her appearance seemed to be ringing any bells of familiarity with the woman, so she had at least a little leeway in that regard. Not that she’d get much of a lecture for dressing down someone ‘beneath her’ but it meant she could probably remain in the area without Schnee bodyguards showing up to ‘escort’ her home for a meeting.

“As much as you seem to believe otherwise, your son’s arrogance is a direct result of your attitude, and he will fail at Atlas Academy unless he learns a bit of humility.” Her voice remained cool and crisp, watching the combination of horror and fury swirling in the woman’s expression with little more than smug satisfaction, especially as she heard the pitch and tone of the noises the children made shift from vaguely mocking to surprised confusion. She didn’t need to check to know how the game had turned towards Penny’s favor. “Our kingdom relies on the Academy to produce strong Hunters and Soldiers, and your son stands little chance of earning either title given the way he relies on his Semblance in such a simple game. As dependent as he is now, he’ll be sorely outclassed when he reaches initiation, much less any trial beyond.” Winter returned her attention to the playground, pleased to see Penny easily keeping out of reach of all the other children, who seemed to have banded together now that they were clearly outmatched. Penny’s movements remained jerky to the naked eye but they prized economy of motion over fluidity, and the myriad of gears and springs that served as her joints were far better suited to absorbing shock and establishing balance than flesh and blood, capable of being calibrated with precise measurements and in mere nanoseconds. “My daughter hasn’t even discovered her Semblance yet and look at her. She’s making your son look like a joke, and a poor one at that.”

“Why, I never-”

“That’s perhaps the most accurate statement you’ve made all afternoon,” she said, ignoring the woman’s sputtering to call out. “Penny! Come!”

Jumping clear over the children attempting to block her way and tag her as she went past, the robot approached at a light jog. “Yes, Winter?”

“It’s time for dinner.” She reached down and picked up her duffel again, offering a small smile. “Did you enjoy playing with the other children?”

Orange brows twitched before her expression changed to an approximation of Winter’s own. “I think so.”

“Excellent.” Turning to head back across the street, she motioned for Penny to fall in step beside her, which she did. Whatever the woman, the other parents, or the children thought of them mattered less to Winter than the dirt beneath her boots. “Next time, we’ll try to find children who can keep up with you.” As they approached the street, the woman and her son left the soldier’s mind as she focused on adjusting a few habits, to better keep their cover story intact. “Penny, going forward, we’re going to have to make a few minor adjustments.”

“Like what, Winter?”

“First, you’ll only call me Winter in the presence of General Ironwood or other soldiers in uniform. Otherwise, call me ‘Mother’-” in her mind, she saw red stained glasses and empty bottles, bleary eyes staring at her without recognition flashing in them “- correction, call me ‘Mom’ going forward. If anyone asks, I’m your adopted mother and we’ve only recently begun living together. You don’t like talking about where you were before living with me and you don’t remember your parents. Am I understood?”

“I am confused,” Penny said, a slight inflection in her voice indicating a question- something she’d picked up, likely, from studying the questions Winter herself had asked. “’Mom’ is the designation for a parental figure, is it not?”

“It is, yes, but I mean that I’m the only parent you can clearly recall. If anyone asks about your parents, that’s the answer you are to give them.”

“Understood, Mom.”

“Good.” As they came to the curb, Winter quickly looked both ways before escorting Penny across, a hand on her shoulder. “And I want to lay down a new rule. If anyone, for any reason, is using their semblance or stands to harm you or others, you are fully authorized to use everything in your power to stop them.”

“But, General Ironwood said that I’m to keep all self defense protocols locked until I’ve complete combat testing.”

“I’m well aware of what the General said but I’ll not have you be attacked by some ruffian and stand there entirely helpless.” As they reached the other side of the street, she steered them towards their temporary domicile. “No child of mine will be the target of bullies.”

“Yes, Mom,” Penny replied, and something about how easily it slipped from her mouth stirred an unknown sensation that lurked at the back of Winter’s mind and rushed forward, a little pride igniting in her chest.

“By the time we’re due to report to General Ironwood, you’ll be well on your way to being on par with just about any prospective student at Atlas Academy, and you’ll be a top contender for the Vytal Festival long before it arrives.” She lightly squeezed the girl’s shoulder, noting the unusual amount of rigidity and brushing off the thought. Only so much could be accounted for, after all.

“What are you basing these projections on, Mom?”

“You have me as your teacher,” Winter replied, lips curling into a satisfied smile.

#Mama!Winter AU #Winter and Penny learning how to human together

42 notes · View notes

yourkittywilde · 5 years

Text

love me harder

TAGGING → @yourkittywilde & @sammynolanh

TIME FRAME → April (aka allie has forgotten the date)

LOCATION → Sammy & Kitty’s apartment, LA.

WARNINGS → nsfw

NOTES → sammy’s insecurities come out.

sammy

Sammy wasn’t usually an insecure guy, and he definitely wasn’t the jealous type either, or so he thought. Maybe it was because of the situation and how their relationship had blossomed but seeing Kitty interacting with Mike again made Sammy see red. He never thought it would be a problem, in fact he thought he was over the whole situation of Kitty going to LA and sleeping with another guy. It’s not like they were together but Sammy had always loved Kitty and when he found out he was heartbroken. So seeing this interaction, even online, made him overthink and made him upset. He needed to tell her how he felt, they were engaged and hidden feelings were never good.

kitty

Kitty stopped looking at the time hours ago. Watching the minutes tick by and being stuck doing absolutely nothing of importance was exhausting and brain numbing. Getting home was the highlight of her day. She put her bag on the side table before drinking the last of the coffee in her hand and placing the empty travel mug next to it. Dude had come out to greet her — he was wonderfully predictable like that (regardless of the time of night) — and she assumes Sammy is asleep until she sees the light in their room on.”Hey, babe.” She leans against the door frame tiredly with a small smile on her lips. “I’m glad you’re still awake.”

sammy

Sammy tried his best to keep a smile on his face, putting his phone down to greet his fiancé. He reached out to pull her in for a hug and a kiss on her cheek. “Hey, Kitty... You are?” He smirked slightly. “How was your day?” He asked as he rubbed her back gently.

kitty

Kitty wraps her arms around him, smiling into his embrace. She really did love this man. Her eyebrows furrow for a second, it was weird for Sammy to use her name rather than a pet name in casual conversation. “I am.” She nods, pulling back from him. “I missed your face.” The blonde shrugs at his question, really not wanting to talk about work. “Long. And your day? ... Miss me?”

sammy

Sammy nodded. “It felt long as well...” he replied, letting the girl pull back when normally he’d probably hold her tightly against him until she begged off with a laugh. He felt weird, he felt like he had stumbled on something he wasn’t supposed to be seeing but the messages were public and they were innocent but still it bothered him so much. He felt a little crazy and paranoid. Had Sammy lost his touch?

kitty

“Yeah? What did you get up to all day?” She questions, moving to sit on the bed and tugging at his hand for him to join her. She studies his face briefly as she bites gently on her lower lip. It wasn’t like she expected him to be super affectionate and happy all the time, but it was Sammy, he sort of just... was. At least when it came to her. “You okay?” Kitty asks, squeezing his hand softly.

sammy

Sammy sat up with a sigh. It wasn’t a big sigh but definitely a noticeable one. “I-um I slept most of the day, then went on a hike...” his mind trailed off and he looked at Kitty. His eyes big and his lip poured in the way that he was trying to hold back emotion. “I don’t think I’m comfortable with you talking with Mike.” He said gently as to not upset her too much. He didn’t know what she would say or how she would react.

kitty

“Mike?” She asks with a confused look on her face. “Wait ... seriously?” Kitty can tell by the look on his face and the way he was acting that he was in fact serious, which made zero sense. Mike was a friend. Kitty chose Sammy — not that it was a particularly hard choice. “It’s not like we’re sexting or anything, Sammy. What is it you think we’re talking about?”

sammy

Sammy raised his hand in defense “I-I know you’re not, I know you wouldn’t do that to me...” he brought his hand to run through his own hair, anxious about this conversation. “I- just... it’s too soon, Kitty. What happened really fucked me up... I mean I thought I was okay with it, I wanted to be okay with it but I’m not and seeing how friendly you two are just makes me feel crazy...” he confesses, not looking straight at her.

kitty

This wasn’t a conversation kitty expected to be having tonight... or at all. She takes a deep breath before responding, trying to push to the side her initial instinct to react defensively. Sammy was being honest, even before they started dating they’d agreed to be honest with each other even if it sucked. She couldn’t fault him for it now— at least she was trying not to. “Ok.” She says simply, more to herself than to him as she gathers her thoughts. “Mike is my friend. You’re my fiancé. Like... I get it... I think.” She tucks her hair behind her ear and lifts her gaze to the man. “But you asked me to marry you. I said yes. If it’s too soon for me to be talking to someone I slept with before we even started dating, then maybe all of this is too soon?”

sammy

“Just because I asked you to marry me doesn’t mean I’m okay with seeing you hang out with a guy you slept with in between us being friendly... please don’t make me feel like I’m acting crazy. I mean how did you feel when I was hanging out with Viv or even Travis and we weren’t even really dating yet. I don’t even talk to them and Viv was one of my best friends but I knew how you felt about it...” Sammy sighed. “You think that because I’m insecure about this that getting married is too soon?” He asked curiously because he had no doubt in his mind that he wanted to marry her.

kitty

“That’s so different.” Kitty rolls her eyes without even realising she was doing it. A reaction she had whenever Vev was brought up. “She was also your ex. Your ex who you flaunted around as your fake current perfect girlfriend while still wanting to sneak over and sleep with me in the middle of the night. As for your ginger lover, at least I never claimed to be super into you and then went and slept with someone else. When I was with you, I was only with you. And we were only friends when I was with Mike.” Her brain was trying to tell her to slow down, but her heart sort of took over when it came to that part of their relationship... or non- relationship. Probably not unlike how Sammy feels about mike, but she was struggling to see that right now. “And you sort of are being crazy. Last I talked to Mike he was refusing to tell me who he was seeing, and before that he was giving living creatures to Cassandra July to woo her, and before that he was dating someone else. All of which happened after we were together for one night ... and I’m with you.” She shrugs at his question. “I think it’s too soon if you don’t trust me. God, if it’s too soon for us to get over what happened at the start of our relationship, how is getting married a good idea?” Her stomach sinking as she spoke. “Are we gonna be like, old as hell and still bringing it up?”

sammy

Sam pouted. “I never slept with Travis after I met you.” He reminded her. He didn’t like any of what he was hearing. It almost sounded like she was the one doubting their engagement. “Okay. You know we’re weren’t ‘just friends’... we made out, we kissed in an airport... I- whatever. Anyway. That’s not the point I’m trying to make.” He groaned in frustration. “It’s too soon because you didn’t even tell me you were hanging out and then I see a picture of you too together and it made me feel dumb. I’m sorry I’m upset over this. I just wanted to tell you how I felt about it.” He explained. “Am I not allowed to be upset about that? Or feel jealous? Is that a reason for us not to get married?” He asked her, getting up from the bed to stretch his legs. His arms wrapped around himself as he bit at his nails. “We haven’t even properly gone out in LA because you’re ‘too busy’.” He tries to make a point.

kitty

“Thats not true. I did the math and I’m not an idiot.” Kitty shook her head, and paused for a moment. This wasn’t about Travis, so now really wasn’t the time to get into an argument about him. “I didn’t realise I had to tell you every time I spent time with my friends. You’re my boyfriend not my dad. But cool, I’ll remember for next time.” She looks up at Sammy when he stands. He looks sad and Kitty’s heart breaks a little, but her intentions so often get lost and confused between her heart and her mouth. “You’re allowed to feel whatever you want. And I want you to tell me. But I’m not going to cut off one of the few friends I have in this city because you don’t trust me. And if you don’t trust me I don’t see how we’re meant to have a marriage that actually lasts.” She raises an eyebrow, getting frustrated with this whole conversation. “I am too busy. I work all day doing things that a high school intern could probably do for a man who refuses to acknowledge my presence in a room unless I unbutton my shirt, and when I’m not scanning pointless emails or defending myself for even being there, I’m writing papers for my classes so I can graduate next month. I spend Sunday’s with you because it’s the only time I have. I don’t know...” She sighs. “What is it you want me to do, Sammy?”

sammy

Sammy huffed and looked away from Kitty. “I’m your fiancé.” He reminded her. “And I don’t expect you to tell me every time you hang out with someone but you know it’s different with him. I’m sorry but it just is. You would want to know if I was hanging out with any of my exes... I don’t want you to cut him off...” Sammy sighed and looked back at Kitty, walking back up to the bed and kneeling in front of her. “I want you to have your friends and live your best life in LA but It would be nice to get a heads up...” he shrugged and looked away. It felt pointless now to argue about her friendship with Mike. “Ideally I would like you to be more considerate of my feelings... but I get that it’s not exactly what you’re used to...” he commented and got back up off the bed, he couldn’t help but feel frustrated but decided to just ignore it. “I’m gonna go take bath... I-um I think I just need to relax... calm myself.” He told her quietly before disappearing into the bathroom.

kitty

“You knew what I meant.” Kitty replies, trying unsuccessfully not to roll her eyes. She loved Sammy, surely that was all that mattered. She sighs and looks down at the floor briefly before her gaze lifts back to her fiancé. “Mike isn’t my ex.” She corrects him. “But... You’re right, I would want to know.” She admits, biting down on her lower lip and wishing he didn’t make a valid point. “Wait... that’s not fair.” She murmurs with a sudden pang of pain in her chest as he stands back up. “I only care about your feelings. Sure, I’m not perfect, and okay fine, maybe I should have told you I went out for a drink with Mike... but of all the stupid people on this stupid planet, I only care about your stupid feelings. I love you, and I can’t- you should-“ She swallows, pushing down the lump building in her throat. “You were the only person who’s always believed the best in me... But you don’t, do you? You just pretend you do and then when you get annoyed enough at me you bring up how you actually feel.” Getting up from the bed she nods, and runs her hand through her hair. “Okay. I’m gonna go... make coffee and... I don’t know, finish writing a paper.” She muses, watching Sammy leave the room and pouting at their puppy. “C’mon Dude, let’s go.”

sammy

Sammy was turning the faucet on when he heard her words. He shook his head and followed her back. “I do believe the best in you. I know you’re not perfect and I know I’m definitely not perfect... I’m not annoyed, Kitty. I’m hurt.” He told her. “I’ve always told you how I’ve felt. Even if you may never believe me because you still hold me to whatever guys in the past have done to you. I’m not them and I don’t lie to you.” He reminded her. “I love you and I want this to work between us, but we have to do it together, stop the fucking blame game. It’s not healthy and it’s not going to get us anywhere.” He took a deep breath and walks up behind her. “I think you need to stop working for the night. You need to relax, get some rest.” He places his hands on her shoulders and gives them a soft squeeze. His lips lower to her neck, pressing a soft kiss. “Come take a bath with me.” He suggests.

kitty

“I don’t know how else to show you I care about your feelings, Sammy. I’m trying... I’ve been trying since like the day I fell for you... Do you really not see that or did hurting me because I hurt you just seem like a good idea at the time?” She never wanted to hurt Sammy... He honestly was the only person in the world she hated seeing upset. “I’m sorry.” She says so quietly it’s basically a whisper. “I should have told you I was seeing Mike, but i guess I didn’t see any reason to? You are the only person I want to be with — in any way.” She shrugs. “But if we want this to work we really gotta deal with what happened before we got together... Mike, Vev, Travis... having the same argument over and over again is exhausting. And it hurts too much.” She admits, knowing she was probably the worst at bringing it up. Kitty’s shoulders relax almost instantly with Sam’s touch, and she wants to melt into him and forget this. Forget everything. “I love you.” She speaks softly and honestly. “I thought you were taking a bath to get away from me and relax... having me join you would defeat the purpose, don’t you think?”

sammy

Sammy furrowed his brows and shook his head. “I would never try to hurt you purposefully.” He told her as he turned her around so he could look at her. He ran a hand through her hair gently and tucked it underneath as he pulled her in to kiss her head. “Babe, even when I’m upset at you I want to be with you. Don’t you get that?” He let out a small laugh. “I never want to get away from you.” He kisses the side of her head before pulling back again slightly. “I love you. So much.”

kitty

“That’s not what it felt like...” Kitty closes her eyes for a second, not fighting back when Sammy turns her. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” She says looking up at him, her arms wrapping around his waist instinctively. “What do you want me to do?” She asks calmly. “About Mike.” She couldn’t not be friends with him, but she also didn’t want to upset Sammy any more. “Never?” She smiles faintly, partly at the kiss, but mostly at the pet name. It felt normal again — She used to make fun of those couples, now she was one half of one. “You still want to marry me then? Even if I don’t consider your feelings?” She asks a little sadly. “I love you more.” Kitty muses, standing on her toes to kiss his cheek softly. “Are you going to have a bath?”

sammy

Sammy sighed and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly to his body and not letting go. Instead rocking her lightly with his own body. “I know. I’m sorry.” He whispered, he head resting on hers. “I don’t know, maybe involve me more?” He suggested with a small shrug. “Of course I still want to marry you... I know I have a lot of emotions you’re not used to and we can work together to find a good balance between us, okay?” He told her as he pulled back to be able to kiss her. “Yeah, you gonna join me?”

kitty

“Involve you.” She nods against his chest. “I guess I can do that.” Kitty says simply, not really sure what that involved when it came to her and Mike, but she’d work it out. “Are you sure? Because contrary to what you think, I’m not completely immune to recognising feelings. You’ve been... not yourself since we moved to LA, which also happens to be when you proposed. And now there’s this, and I just don’t want to... I don’t know...” she trails off, shrugging tiredly. “I’ll join you.”

sammy

Sammy nodded. He knew what she meant. He hadn’t really felt like himself since they moved from New York, also him getting sick. “You’re right... I’ve felt a little off with my emotions since we left New York. I think I just need time to adjust... but my feelings about you have only intensified... maybe that’s why I’m jealous?....I wish I could explain it...” he replied as he rubbed her back and began leading her to the bath, which was full by now since Sam had left the water running.

kitty

He wished he could explain it, and Kitty wished she could understand it. "I just hate seeing you so down all the time." She admitted, following him to the bathroom and pulling her shirt over her head, tossing it onto the floor. "You moved your life to LA for me, and now you're miserable. You're snapping at me more, you're sleeping more again..." She moves closer to him and tugs at his shirt, standing on the tips of her feet to pull it off. "I need you to be happy. I want to make you happy again... Because I miss you." She says softly as she takes off the skirt she's wearing before resting her hands Sammy's chest. " We don't have to get married soon, if you need to go back to New York I'm not going to hold it against you."

sammy

Sammy stood still as she helped him undress. He shrugs a little bit. “I’m not... miserable. I’m just sort of in a funk, I guess.” He responded as he wrapped his arms around her. “And, it’s not your fault LA isn’t as great as New York.” He teases her with a quick laugh. “No, but really. I’ll be fine, I’ll get over it. I’m just... adjusting. You make me happy, I just, I thought maybe I’d get to spend more time with you.... I feel like I never get to see you anymore and we live together.” He kisses her cheek. “But I also understand that your job is important to you and you’re important to me so I’m okay sacrificing our time apart.” He explains. “Makes me miss you all the more.” He smiles down at her and pulls away to remove his bottoms before getting into the bath. “Come on, the water feels amazing.”

kitty

Kitty huffs. “LA is way hotter than New York...” She smirks as she takes off the remainder of her clothing. “In every conceivable way.” She joins him in the bath, humming happily at the warm water and her insanely sexy fiancé in front of her. “You’re right. My career is obviously important to me.” She agrees. “But the best part of my day is waking up next to you.” She tells him before laughing quietly and shifting closer to Sammy. “I swear to God if you ever tell anyone how corny I am with you I’ll... I don’t know... but it’ll be bad.” She threatens, only half joking with him. “I’ll try and make more time for you, babe. And we’ll do whatever you want — besides napping all day because you know I get bored.” She reaches out to intertwine her fingers with his. “Though... in case you’ve forgotten, we have forever now.” She smiles and looks down at her hand. “Or do I need to put a ring on your finger to remind you? Like a wedding band or something.”

sammy

“I guess you have a point there...” he grins at her as he pulls her onto his lap under the water, his hands wrapping around her ass. “Oh, so it’s not just the morning sex, good to know.” He teased and squeezed her ass playfully. He raised his brows at her threat and laughed. “Oooh, I’m so scared.” He jokes and leaned into her face. “I’m gonna expose you to Jimmy Fallon.” He joked and kisses her, one of his hands meeting hers halfway to come together. “We don’t have to do whatever I want. We can do things you want to do, too.” He offered with a small smile and shook his head, bringing up her hand to kiss it. “I haven’t forgotten.”

kitty

Kitty tilts her head to the side, pretending to think it through for a second. "The morning sex is okaaay, I guess." She teases, biting down on her lip as his hands grabbed her. "You should be scared, Samuel Hummel. I've been told I'm a very scary person." She comments. It was true... Just probably not when it came to Sammy. The man is the only person on the planet who seems to think she's cute when she's mad -- which is more than annoying when she's actually mad. "You wouldn't." She furrows her brows at him. "I'm gonna make you write in your vows to never expose me. That way you're bound until death do us part." She shrugs smugly and kisses the tip of his nose. "We already do everything I want to do. We went to the beach, you come to church with me, and we have hot as hell sex." She smirks. "It's your turn." It was still hard for Kitty to wrap her head around the fact she'd managed to get Sammy to want to spend the rest of his life with her -- that she was actually engaged. "Don't forget."

sammy

Sammy rose a brow and bit his lip. “Only Okay?” He asks. “It seems like you need a reminder...” He smirked and pulled her in even closer, skin to skin. His mouth moves to the exposed skin on her shoulder and kisses up to her neck “that’s the plan, babygirl...” he spoke quietly. His lips trailed up to her ear and smiled against her skin. “My turn, huh? I think I have an idea of what we could do,” he spoke suggestively, his free hand massaging the curve of her ass and his other intertwined hand guiding them so she could pull at his hair. He nibbled at her earlobe and pulled back with a grin. “I won’t forget.” He told her and he went in to kiss her deeply.

kitty

"Maybe I do..." Kitty wants to smirk in return, but Sammy's lips had always had a way of making her forget what she wanted to do. She moans and her breath hitches in her throat as he moved further up her neck. "Can't wait." She murmurs softly -- she's talking about marrying him, but that could have been lost in translation. Who knew one affectionate pet name could and would melt her. Kitty lets her hand be moved, her fingers now twisting into his messy hair and tugging gently while her other hand glides down his back and under the water. "So what's this idea of yours?" She asks with a half smile, but finds his lips attached to her before he can answer. She groans against him, pulling at his hair to deepen the kiss in anyway she could. Kissing him always felt easy and right. "I think we could probs do that forever." She says a little breathlessly, pulling away only slightly for air.

sammy

“Forever seem like a good idea... but bathtub sex also sounds like a good idea.” He reasoned with her, an excited grin appearing on his face as he went in to kiss her again, the pulling of his hair making him groan into the kiss softly. His hands now roaming her body as things got a bit more heated. He was now strikingly aroused and Kitty could most definitely feel it. His lips left her mouth again to return to her neck, his hands rounding up to grab her breasts, teasing her a bit as he squeezed them. He left kisses down her neck to her chest until he connected to her left breast, his tongue teasing at her nipple.

kitty

Kitty’s eyes shut briefly, and she bites down on her lower lip. “Oh my god.” She says, almost whimpering as he stops being a tease and his mouth actually connects to her breast. Her hips instinctively grind against him in response and she can’t stop herself from smiling. She honestly doesn’t remember ever smiling as much during sex as she does while she’s with Sammy — it was strange, but also sort of perfect. Her fingers tug at his hair a little harder, and she’s aching to get closer to him. Kitty kisses up his neck slowly and at one point her lips pull at his skin probably a little too long to leave a mark. “You obviously want me...” she speaks quietly into his ear. “So what exactly are you waiting for?”

#para: love me harder #para: sammy #sammy #//once again from ages ago #//i think? idk time is merging #//also bless ariana for giving me para titles

1 note · View note