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mycological-mariner · 11 months

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There’s a writing workshop I go to every two months where we write short pieces and read them out. I think I’ve just come up with the most horrible, hilarious, devastating, embarrassing and bitterly hopeful story and I’m writing it right now, it’s making me emotional

#if I don’t write I DIE #I NEED to write #I have such a massive backlog of scripts short stories and unpublished books I need to write #like a shark needs to swim #unfortunately the word limit is only 1500. I guess I can look at that as a challenge #however I suffer from Chronic Embarrassment #so sharing these is actually so so so hard #ESPECIALLY on the internet omg #but I decided to do an autobiographical short story #because I can read it and other people can read it and never talk about it again #it was like a fucking epiphany man. I’m just wrapping up the ending and working it out #how I want it worded etc #it’s a really sad one with a happy - if strange - ending #like the title is so bizarre #’wait wtf is this I need to find out how this happened’ is the response I’m aiming for with the title #it sounds like an onion headline

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rouge-the-bat · 1 year

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"i just want non-queers to just see me as a normal person just like them" cool good for you. meanwhile ive been a weird little freak since i was a kid and the world is gonna have to learn to accept me like i am or ill start burning shit

you can be down for simple assimilation for yourself but many of us just want to be respected as is because theres nothing wrong with being different. especially those of us who are also neurodivergent on top of queer or many other things people often ostracize in society.

if you want other queers to water themselves down or just completely close off parts of their identity and self expression so that you wont be associated with those ~freaks~ and can be more easily accepted by The Normies, then you are not caring about your fellow queers at all.

we arent doing any harm, and we should be pushing for people to accept others no matter how HARMLESSLY strange and unusual they may come across. challenging the norm is the only way to get more people accepted across all communities.

#queer #just kinda stream of thought i hope i worded well #essentially: you shouldnt be trying to control how other queers express themselves #if you want something more ~tame~ to be seen at first by some non-queers then just make ur own space #find a non-kink pride or something idfk. just dont try to say pride shouldnt have kink #or stop us from being loud and rainbow and flamboyant and gnc and flashy and drag queens/kings and etc etc

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bahrmp3 · 1 year

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[ID: 13 gifs from season 3, episode 1 “the search, part 1” from the tv series “star trek: deep space nine”, the gifs show benjamin sisko and jadzia dax in the wardroom. jadzia is seated while sisko is standing in front of a monitor.

1st gif: “you know, after jennifer died, i never thought i would see you this passionate about something again.” jadzia tells sisko.

2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th gif: the camera shifts to sisko, who has his arms are crossed in front of him and takes a couple of steps forward, the camera moves with him, “two months ago, i would have agreed with you.” he takes a seat, and the camera focuses on him. “then i went back to earth and i spent all those weeks debriefing at starfleet headquarters. and i… i used to get a thrill just walking into that building. i'd look around at the admirals and think, "one day, that's going to be me." "one day, i'm the one that's going to be making the big decisions."” sisko is slightly smiling at the end.

7th gif: jadzia laughs as she recalls, “curzon always thought that was very funny.”

8th, 9th gif: the camera cuts to sisko, “did he?” then back to jadzia as she explains, “what i mean is he could never see a set of admiral stars on your collar. he thought that just making the decisions would never satisfy you. you had to implement them – “

10th gif: a shift to show sisko listening to jadzia, “see the results, face the consequences.”

11th gif: “curzon always thought you were the kind of man who had to be in the thick of things -- not behind some desk at headquarters.”

12th gif: “he was a smart old man, wasn't he?” sisko gets up and returns to the monitor.

13th gif: “he'd like to think so.” jadzia confirms. /end ID]

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lazycranberrydoodles · 11 months

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its prosecutor jiang wanyin!!!! oh fuck!!! / gifs + au rambling below the cut / follow for more mdzs x aa crossover stuff :3

all the gifs i made (poses traced off franziska):

hes so similar to franziska when you think about it. theyre both deeply insecure tsundere adoptive younger sibling of successful main characters. who carry whips. something something edgeworth choosing death and wwx actually dying also

his share code is HWFEFF if you wanna use him in a trial! you can't share backgrounds but heres the scenery from the donghua i used.

the easiest way to put custom stuff into objection.lol is to send it in discord and then use the link from opening it in your browser :)

a whole lot of AU stuff

the art im making is for if mdzs was an ace attorney game, playing from WWX's POV to solve various mysteries/cases over the course of the plot. so this scene would be from turnabout goddess, which would loosely cover the dafan mountain mystery.

cases include:

Turnabout Revenge (Mo Manor, quick introductory first case)

Turnabout Goddess (Dafan mountain, the good times flashback)

Turnabout Saber (the man-eating castle (omg hiii nhs))

The Blind Turnabout (Yi City arc)

Turnabout Deviation (the Koi Tower conference, Empathy on NMJ ala turnabout memories or beginnings. opening cutscene is his qi deviation)

The Blood-Soaked Turnabout (second Burial Mounds siege, flashbacks: Xuanwu, Sunshot, YLLZ, Nightless City massacre)

Turnabout Lotus Seeds (testimony about JGY, tree scene, golden core reveal, bathtub scene. opening cutscene could be JGS' death but that would make it canon rather than ambiguous)

Turnabout Confession (Guanyin temple)

the problem with splitting novel!mdzs into turnabouts is that flashbacks are a huge chunk of the book but they don't have mysteries/ cases to solve so they've gotta be lumped together with present day stuff. imo? many of the flashbacks would likely have to be abridged so they could be retold ala DL-6, SL-9, or the fourth grade incident, where characters talk about it over some pieces of art. this is really difficult when theres a metric ton of unspoken, complex, and signifcant history between every character lmao

there's not as much of a problem with the cql timeline but i have not finished it. so.

the opening cutscenes in ace attorney always show the murder and/or the murderer plotting. the first cutscene of the game would be MXY summoning WWX, muttering about getting revenge on his family (it would also be good for him to mention the yllz being dead because that's how the novel starts.) cut to WWX's POV as he wakes up covered in blood and the investigation segment begins.

for investigations of monsters (goddess, saber, etc) the cutscene would be a scene of some poor throwaway cultivator getting their shit wrecked.

it would be cool to make a breakdown for JGY but again I need to review that scene cause I don't know who I'd base him on. maybe Vasquez or Dahlia.

tell me your thoughts!! i'm working off of a mdzs summary/ skimming the novel because i don't remember it too well so if i get anything wrong please yell at me

Jin Ling's sprites & Nie Huaisang's sprites / masterpost

#PLEAAAASE send it to me if you do actually use my animations in a case🥺#here im adapting mdzs to aa gameplay rather than making a mdzs AU where they are lawyers #so jiang cheng is not a prosecutor in this hes just angry. and on the right side of the screen #that man has not graduated law school but then again no one in ace attorney has either #the names are based off of how ace attorney cases are either named after a distinctive item/location (bigtop bridge samurai etc)#or the main emotional/character type thing that happens (goodbyes reminiscence farewell)#the mdzs/aa au where the stories get blended (ie my tags on the nhs post) is very interesting but i would have to think about it very hard #and i dont want to . i would rather think about what the court record would look like (its full of severed limbs)#MDZS' EXPLORATIONS OF MORALITY MAKE ME CHEW ON ROCKS #urrgh i got carried away writing this post & wrote a couple hundred words comparing aa and mdzs' attitudes towards morality & public opinio #i could write an essay on this topic tbh.#can i call this an au? its the same story in the same universe just in a different format. hmm #mdzs #aa #art #mo dao zu shi #ace attorney #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #cql #the untamed #jiang cheng #jin ling #objection.lol #flashing image tw #pixel art #animation #my art #franziska von karma #i guess??#mdzs aa au

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ash-and-starlight · 3 months

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you’ve probably gotten a lot of asks like this, but I just haven’t seen any posted. what are your feelings on the remake, if you are watching it? more specifically, what do you think was the biggest problem with it?

i rlly havent actually! i think it's bc im really trying to Pretend I Do Not See It. rn i'm fighting TOOTH AND NAIL against the temptation to hatewatch because i do not need that in my life lmao.

the thing i cannot get over with is how Cheap it looks, it rlly smells of poor rushed workers to me, despite the astronomical budget that went into it. 15 MIL!!??? same as the late seasons of game of thrones!! now i'm not saying GoT is a pinnacle of virtue but it featured: a really good burn scar make up that took up half a character's face, a really good Notorious white hair wig with intricate hairstyles, really good costumes and heavy winter furs, really good location and fantasy beasts cgi and ummmmmmm from what i've seen of natla well. it had nothing of the sort. it's just bad gary it's uglyy

#also i've seen ppl discuss some Changes in plots & characters and uh #that sure was a Choice #again. nobody needed that. nobody wanted to see that #anyway to end on a positive note it's easier to say what i Do like about it #which is the fact that apparently aang stole zuko's dream journal #AND the fanarts i'm seeing of behind the scenes pics but with characters from the cartoon <333 #ash replies #also EDIT #kinda pisseddd at how it poses itself as a pinnacle of inclusion and Yet. still no word about the whole sokka actor situation #there are whole vids about how shit the chinese writing looked when they could have hired a calligraphy expert y'kno. like atla did #POLYESTER FUR??? IN THE SWT #when they could have hired indigenous artesans etc etc ETC

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incorrect-fnaf-quotes · 1 month

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I have no idea if I’ll write it, but I started thinking of Springtrap x reader plots, and then I started talking to @ravenmccookies about like... the main idea that I have.

So, imagine: Y/N is one of those people who likes to restore old things. They never worked at the attraction, and never actually knew about it, either—but they heard about something burning down.

While out walking, they end up discovering Springtrap, and they’re like: “Oh, a cool robot bunny. I’ll take it back with me and fix it up. Should be fun.” And they drag him back home.

And they basically start streaming on what they plan on doing—and when they go to the room that they were sure they left the rabbit in... he’s just gone.

Y/N manages to find him, but in a panic, ends up hitting Springtrap with a bat that they happened to have brought with them.

And that’s just how the two actually meet. I have a ton of other ideas involving this potential thing—including ideas for how it could actually end. Something angsty, I’m thinking.

But anyway: shenanigans occur.

#Not a quote #Springtrap #Y/N #They’re just wandering in their house trying to find where this rabbit could have possibly gotten #And viewers are like: ‘Xnxjdjfu I see it’ but every time Y/N goes to see. He’s just gone #They make a lot of videos about the rabbit—a lot of them are during the time that Y/N is still scared of him #But then when they’re more comfortable they still make the same kind of videos: Him doing whatever (with spooky music)#I like the whole thing... but I have no idea how to write him that well #But I have so many ideas that want to release #The potential endings... xjqjwjrjnc #Like. There’s one that’s a fluffy/nice ending for the whole thing—Springtrap just remains at the house and the two have a nice time with #-each other #But all of the other ideas for the endings of this? All Angsty #Ones more of just... a bummer—nothing too bad?#Like: A happy one—a bittersweet(if that’s the right word?)—a complete angst-filled one #Etc #Something always happens to the bnnuy man by the end #It’s post FNaF 3 fire—but he remains looking like Springtrap—rather than Scraptrap #Although. Maybe he still lost an arm during it?#I have thoughts.

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lunarharp · 6 months

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being attached to that moment qifrey held a baby one time and my ideas for the future :)

#witch hat tag #orufrey #brief small post before i return to Real and Emotional things again...but tbh...this makes me feel real emotions too #i think the manga will end up with a epilogue chapter showcasing little things in the girls' future and orufrey holding hands or kissing...#to like Indicate things. if it doesn't happen beforehand.#But. Who. Knows. also then i suddenly started thinking about them raising a baby for ages today because of how narratively poignant it'd be #for things to end that way after having raised almost-daughters all those years. and how healing it could be for qifrey and etc.#thing i said on twt: girls visit so often that the kid's first words are Professor Olly #“deja vu.. i'm not your professor kid - i'm your father!”#sorry but they are literally a gay couple where one truly is like The Mom and one truly is The Dad. to me #i think a housewifey homemaker type lifestyle would make qifrey happy. be harder now that he's disabled - well that's why he has his man.#i dont normally care about stuff like fankids or whatever..characters becoming parents for real..but like..Come on #This is the couple to think about this with.....they already ARE parents..i want them to be happy for eternity #once all the horrors are over we have to make it there.....children are so precious families are so precious....#i have bad relationship with parents personally and haven't interacted with children in years. And yet i still know that.#the fact that orufrey fight for children to be safe and educated and happy...qif wants to help coustas too..#aaaanyway today was a pretty weird and difficult day so i deserved to think about happy futures for a bit. i hear it's possible #btw i'm most sure about tetia becoming the princess of zozah. i think that will happen. and riche should have the ribbon tassel.

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hamartia-grander · 4 months

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I want more female characters who are just so bad at comforting others. Not for lack of trying or caring, they just get so so awkward when someone's upset, and they try to repeat things they've heard even if it doesn't necessarily apply to the situation, or they accidentally say the wrong thing and make it worse. If someone cries they panic and throw every single comfort technique down at once and it only helps because it's such bizarre behaviour

#Basically I'm tired of female characters having the inherent “good helper/wise advisor” trait just bc they're women #And I'm also tired of the faux progressive female characters who have no emotion whatsoever #People seem to think the opposite of being a good caretaker is just not caring #No no #The opposite of being a good caretaker is not knowing which care to take and when or how.#Throwing water onto an oil fire. Putting blankets over someone who is claustrophobic. Recommending family time to an orphan. Etc.#I want a female character who will be up with you until 3am because you're struggling #But she can't stop quoting Mister Rogers because she has NO idea what to say #Even if she's experienced the same things she just has no idea how to convey any wisdom through words #Etc

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gobstoppr · 2 months

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UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

NEW NAME

transmaskmetaknight -> GOBSTOPPR

wanted a change of pace. the word gobstopper has been bouncing around in my head lately

#text #transmaskmetaknight #need a new pfp... and my phones home screen i wanna change it too.. n maybe redecorate the blog while im at it...#ive been tired and angry lately. its my hater arc etc etc #ugh idk. ive been trying to be more honest with my feelings #but that means my annoyance gets magnifyied like 10fold #ive been impatient about a lot of stuff that doesnt amuse me. ive hated the boop shit today bc the word is so. dumb. childish.#ugh i feel like one of those nerds with the minors dni in their fuckin bio at age 19 #but its how i feel!! im tired of settling for things i find not very satisfying. i want art that feels real. i want fandom to shut up.#i want to watch shows that are not Cartoons for Babies. i want to feel something Real.#i need to go Deeper. i have to chase this

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kideternity · 1 year

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Hi, I know this isn’t what I usually tend to post, but I thought this was important to share. Long time comic book writer Len Kaminski, most notably the author behind venom: the hunger, is currently without stable housing or income and is looking for a new place to live. The gofundme attached goes into more detail about his situation. I wanted to help spread the word since he’s one of my favourite comic book writers and it’s really fucked up to see that this has happened to him, so if you’re able to, please donate or at least spread the word

#gofundme #donations #venom #marvel #marvel comics #donations post #donation post #donation #mutual aid #obligatory disclaimer im sharing this also bc its like. the basic good thing to do not just bc i like len as a writer #i have no idea how to format this post i just want to help spread the word abt his situation ):#fyi if there are any other comic authors who have gofundmes or patreons etc #feel free to lmk and ill add them to this post or make new posts for them too #or you can add them in a reblog and ill rb it

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kangals · 2 months

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i think the main difference in personality so far between puppy-stellina and puppy-kepler is that kep has a lot more patience.

that brings a lot of positive qualities: he has better emotional control and is less prone to tantrums and outbursts than stellina was (i.e. if i have to stop for 10 seconds on a walk to pick up poo, stellina would yelp and pull and cry at being asked to stop). it also means he has better focus and is more forgiving of repetition in training - he doesn't give up nearly as easily when frustrated. and things that may startle or scare him he's more willing to try again or overcome (e.g. he slipped on my stairs and hurt his foot and didn't want to go back up the stairs for a few days, but eventually started trying again. and when butters slaps him he yelps and backs off, but still thinks she's Super Fun and tries to make friends). so he's a bit more methodical in his thinking.

but it does also bring some negatives too: because he has patience, he does not give up once he's decided something. if stellina was overtired and i put her in a crate, she'd fuss for a minute then pretty quickly go "hm alright then" and go to sleep. if i do the same to kep, he fights it and fights it because he doesn't want to be asleep and that's that. he's much more difficult to redirect or distract, and i have to be a lot more mindful of managing him because once he's decided something is fun or tasty or whatever it takes a lot to dissuade him, and he'll go back to it at the first chance. he's very slow to learn boundaries as a result - i have to do a lot more convincing than i'm used to.

they are still overall very similar personalities, especially as they're the same breed and from very similar lines, but i think so far this has been the biggest quality that i've needed to adjust to. puppy-stellina i had to do a lot of mental adjustments learning how to manage her short emotional threshold and sensitivity, so it's interesting to see what does and doesn't translate over to kep.

#i hesitate to use the word 'stubborn' for kep bc i truly dont think its willful 'oh youve told me no but i will do it anyway'#he just genuinely doesnt get the concept of 'please dont do that'#'dont do thing? but thing is fun. thing is for kep. kep will do. fun!'#the concept of 'i am not allowed to do this' or 'i should not do this' has never occured to him #like with house training: he knows that he gets praise and treats for going outside. he knows that this doesnt happen if he goes inside.#but the concept of 'i have to poop and am inside therefore i should instead go outside' hasnt clicked yet bc he will just always take-#-the first option (poop now)#same thing with sleeping (i do not want to sleep therefore i will Not) and biting stellina etc #its not bad! as mentioned theres a lot of positives it brings too. i just need to learn how to speak his specific language #and when youre bad at dog training it just takes a while lol

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wetcatspellcaster · 1 month

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ok i don't normally make 'crotchety old lady on porch' posts. but i just saw someone on another social media website say they were feeling 'nostalgic' for their bg3 pairing and??? ....how????? it's not even been a year since release????? fan creators are still churning out content????

i know fandoms seem to cycle way quicker these days, but it's always so funny to me when people start to wonder why. the posts about 'the fandom is dying' are starting to circulate for bg3, and - not in a shaming way bc everyone is entitled to find new interests and new hyperfixations and also REST!! I'm not holding anyone hostage!!! - but... maybe it's because you barely gave it a chance to live??? by the time it had started to gather momentum you had already left it behind???

#idk man maybe this is coming from someone who joined the dragon age fandom 10 years too late #and played mass effect for the first time 6 years after it released #or watched btvs 20 years after it happened. etc.#this is genuinely not anger or shaming its just... sadness more than anything. i hold onto the things i love for years at a time.#i get having a nostalgia for like... playing something the first time or when everyone was talking about it on release.#but i think very few creators thrive in a world where everyone wants their content immediately and immediately after the release date #anyway #possibly tbd i don't know how mean i sound here it's just a bit wild to me #(it's specifically the word 'nostalgic' to be clear. i think if you're missing something 8 months after release. um. it hasn't left my guy.

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individuating · 24 days

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if you don't mind, could you elaborate on what you mean about ep 7 tea party? (your blog is great btw, i've pretty much just finished umineko and i've been really enjoying reading it)

hi, thank you sm this is so nice! im guessing youre referring to the tag on the last post i rbed lol

the ep7 tea party is what is taken to be the #truth of what happened on rokkenjima by most people. and i agree that the actions that took place there are likely the same. but the way that events are presented + the bias of the narration are filtered thru eva's memory and experiences, which is something i havent seen a ton of people account for. bern says that the tea party has no game master but to me that just means theres no Game being played. theres no magical obfuscation taking place, and there's no room to hypothesize abt what really happened (ange and lion are chained to chairs in a theatre, not sitting in the tea room in purgatory) but there's still a biased narrator telling the story, just like every "theatergoing" event in ep7 is not the exact truth but instead filtered through each character and they can choose to omit information or present it in a different way (see: guts scene in the tea party). for instance i know tht at some point the narration just stops referring to kyrie by name and just calls her "the murderer" which to me reads as a very obviously Not impartial narrator being the one to tell the story. this is how eva, the sole survivor of rokkenjima and thus the one free to decorate her tale, sees kyrie. it's why evatrice says her Shinjaeba line right before it opens and why bern's red that "that this is all truth is not necessarily so" holds up

#.me #.ask #topic: narratives #umineko #umineko spoilers #ofc this is just my interpretation but it can be baffling to see ppl take evas word for ppls behavior etc when we've seen how Magic works #the sole witness/survivor of an event gets to choose how they want to share that event. this is true of every story in ep7 (ex: kinzo)#also sorry if this is kind of incomprehensible i just woke up lol

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geosaurus · 10 months

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Get Your Life Together AU

#kaiji #kaiji itou #akagi #akagi shigeru #FKMT #edit: updated this illustration bc some of the rendering was bothering me #if you dont know what Kaiji is just pretend these are my OCs bc they might as well be for how unrecognizable they are. Also read/watch Kaij #why did i draw an AU where Kaiji gets his life together & becomes a tattoo artist and f.t.m Akagi is there? anxiety i guess??#i've been unemployd as flck and my coping stratergy is that i terraform my blorbos #i know tattooing is kinda tabooin japan bc of yakuza but kaiji and akagi are pariahs so why not. not like he can keep a normal job anyway #it puts him in the flow state he craves but instead of gambIing away ungodly amounts of money he just draws a w ee d leaf on kazuyas a s #i put thought into the tatoos and stickers etc i want to explain them but i doubt anyone would read all that. but please enjoy the details #HEY HERE'S A FUN FACT ABOUT THIS POST #it wasn't showing up in the fkmt fandom tags for a while so i complainted to tumblr about it bc i was feeling petty #apparently tumblr looks through all your tags and all the individual words within your tags to see if its sensitive material #so i went through and changed words until it showed up in the tags #and then changed some back to see what would keep it in. and i know for a fact that one of the sensitive words was f////t///////m #so thats cool.

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 11 months

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okay wait laughingstock concept Incoming: so im imagining some of the neighbors (maybe Julie & Frank) noticing that Barnaby & Howdy are a lil fruity, yk yk. and Julie's like damn, i guess we have to play matchmaker here.

so naturally they wind up getting the whole neighborhood involved. everybody's a wingman here. Poppy's dropping hints when Howdy drops off groceries, Wally is constantly asking Barnaby to go get him things from the bodega, etc etc. Howdy and Barnaby are facing this sudden change in town-wide behavior with slight concern and bemusement

eventually - lets say Julie, Sally, and Wally - get Barnaby into the bodega and then abruptly leave like "don't have too much fun without us you two *wink wink nudge nudge*". once they're gone (read: very obviously hiding outside & watching through the window) Barnaby & Howdy turn to each other like:

Barnaby: you think we should tell them we're already married?

Howdy: let them have their fun - they'll figure it out eventually

#dont have the mental fortitude to Draw This but i still wanted to share the thought #'but how would no one notice that theyre literally married'#easy: theyre very relaxed and secure in their relationship. also howdy has a strict 'no pda at work' rule #also because its funny. we can stretch rationality for the Bit cmon now #through the power of the bit Anything is possible #and we all know the neighbors are Peak Sillies so. yk #it strikes me that once they get Bored of the constant 'matchmaking'#barnaby and howdy stage this whole thing where they 'confess' to each other So dramatically and So publicly #they make it an Event #sally is swooning from the drama and spectacle of it all. wally is trying to paint the moment as fast as possible #julie is so excited she's close to passing out. eddie is crying. so is poppy. frank is taking the credit. home is just happy to be there #as soon as barnaby and howdy retreat out of sight they burst out laughing for a solid ten minutes #GAH THE BRAINROT THE BRAINROT #laughingstock #wailing and sobbing they are so so good together and FOR WHAT FUCKING REASON #i cant even put it into words they just Fit! like puzzle pieces!#theres something so natural about em. i look at them and its like. they Would be perfect for each other huh #i already know theyd have such a healthy wholesome relationship They Just Work. Theyre The Dream Couple #howdy says the most confusing sentence ever said. barnaby nods along with genuine love in his eyes. etc. you get it #now watch! canon is gonna absolutely set this on fire!#which would be Fun. painful. but Fun. seriously tho im curious as to how/if barnaby and howdy will interact/develop....#i mean personally i love it when shit gets messy so i hope it Hurts So Bad or at least Goes Downhill #i hope its a rollercoaster on all accounts

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hephaestuscrew · 7 months

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Pan-Pan, Boléro, and Minkowski's different responses to loss

I want to compare two key lines of Minkowski's which indicate very different responses to grief:

In Ep29 Pan-Pan, Minkowski breaks down and says "Doug Eiffel is gone! There was nothing we could do to save him. It wasn't anyone's fault. It's horrible, and pointless, and it just happened."

In contrast, after arriving at the funeral in Ep46 Boléro, she says "[Lovelace, Hilbert and Maxwell are dead] to make the fact that we're not gone yet important. They're gone... so that we never forget how important it is that we're still here."

TL;DR: In Pan-Pan, Minkowski expresses her unprocessed grief through despair and hopelessness. Whereas in Boléro, she is able to find hope in the loss and lead her crew in trying to move forward. I suggest a significant reason of the difference is the presence of Eiffel to force Minkowski to confront and process the sense of loss.

Pan-Pan: "It's horrible, and pointless, and it just happened"

In Pan-Pan, the whole episode is full of anger and despair, but Minkowski speaking about the horrible pointlessness of losing Eiffel is one of the most painful and hopeless moments. It doesn't feel like she's really speaking to the others. She's focused on her internal despair (as suggested by the fact that she goes on to talk about the cracks, which Lovelace and Hilbert aren't supposed to know about).

The only potentially positive thing Minkowski says here is her recognition that "it wasn't anyone's fault". When Hera and Hilbert have been blaming Lovelace, and Minkowski has been blaming herself, it's significant that she acknowledges that sometimes a horrible thing just happens without there being anyone to blame.

But in this context, and in the tone of voice Minkowski uses, even the lack of blame doesn't really feel like a positive thing. If Eiffel becoming stranded was just pointless and random, if there was nothing any of them could have done to save him, then the next tragedy might be just as unpredictable and unpreventable. Minkowski strikes me as the kind of person who can sometimes fall into the trap of subconsciously wishing that the awful thing is her fault because then at least she'd have control over something. In her train of thought here, the lack of blame is followed by focusing on how horrible and pointless what happened to Eiffel was. The only conclusion she can draw is "it just happened". There's no sense of hope in those lines. Eiffel being stranded just happened, and so do the cracks, and the crew are at the whims of brutal fortune with no meaning to any of it.

Boléro: "They're gone... so that we never forget how important it is that we're still here"

In Boléro, Minkowski can't even say that the tragedy wasn't anyone's fault. For each of the deaths, someone pulled a trigger. There is blame, and some of it lies at her feet. She didn't want to come to the funeral because at first she didn't know what she could say about the deaths she feels responsible for.

Yet even so, this time she finds something reassuring she can say to her crew, a grain of hope she can provide without attempting to diminish the loss: "[they're gone] to make the fact that we're not gone yet important. They're gone... so that we never forget how important it is that we're still here."

In another show, or another context, this kind of line might have had an 'everything happens for a reason' tone, which is something I deeply dislike as a response to other people's loss. But it doesn't feel like that's what Minkowski is saying here at all. She isn't trying to make any grand philosophical statement about the ultimate beneficence of the universe, or about how mortality gives meaning to human life. What she says here is working on a much more personal level. It's more about finding something other than despair that the crew can take from what has happened. This tragedy may still be horrible, but it provides a reminder that they are still alive in a context where that's far from guaranteed. Minkowski emphasises that the fact the survivors are alive matters - her crew matters. I'd argue that this contrasts with the 'it just happened' outlook discussed above.

I don't know how much Minkowski fully feels the importance of them still being there in the moment, but it's something that she can offer her crew, something that she can say in a situation that words can't grasp. I think the moment when she joins the funeral is such a key moment of her leadership. In the end, despite her doubts and struggles, she's there for her crew. Eiffel brought them together for a funeral, but he doesn't know what to say when Hera asks why they have to be gone. Minkowski enters just at the right moment to support her crew and she provides an answer to Hera's question. It's not a perfect answer, but it allows the funeral to move forward. It allows the crew to move forward (even if that emotional movement is somewhat thrown off by a dramatic change in the circumstances). Minkowski starts off the eulogies; she leads her crew in the acknowledgement of what's been lost.

Why such a difference in responses?

There's lots of ways you could interpret the difference between the outlook of these two moments, and there's probably more to say about it though the lens of Minkowski's character development than I'm going to say here. But for me, the main difference between these moments is that, in Pan-Pan, it feels like no processing or recognition of grief has really occurred. When Minkowski says "Doug Eiffel is gone!", it almost feels like the first time that Minkowski has fully confronted and acknowledged the loss. Eiffel has been lost in space for 116 days, but it's only at the end of this episode that Minkowski brings herself to say in her distress calls that he is "presumed dead". Whereas in Boléro, she's already eulogising the dead and thinking about what can be learned from the loss, not even a full day after the mutiny.

Obviously there is much less ambiguity to a body bag (or least there would be, if not for alien interference). But I can't help thinking that the difference between the attitudes towards loss which Minkowski displays in these two quotes is less about the difference in the kind of loss, and more about a situation that prompted and enabled the processing of emotions in Boléro: namely, the funeral. After Eiffel was stranded in space, I think Minkowski probably went months without looking her grief in the eye. But after the deaths of Lovelace, Hilbert, and Maxwell, Eiffel's suggestion of a funeral forces Minkowski to confront her complicated emotions and provides a space in which she can offer direction to her grieving crew.

This is a good illustration of how I think Minkowski and Eiffel complement and support each other in a really valuable way. On his own, Eiffel couldn't provide the leadership that the crew needed for the funeral to work. But without Eiffel, and his determination to recognise the emotional weight of the three deaths, the funeral would never have happened and Minkowski would never have been in a position to provide hope and direction to her crew. When Eiffel was the one the Hephaestus crew were grieving, Minkowski couldn't offer much emotional direction to her crew beyond despair. But when Eiffel is beside her in the grief, saying that the grief deserves to be felt, then Minkowski can find a way for them to move forward emotionally. It's not the deaths that remind them how important it is that they are still here. It's the grief. It's the ability to confront that grief together.

#Wolf 359 #w359 #Renée Minkowski #Renee Minkowski #Doug Eiffel #I know that this is a lot to say about two short-ish quotes but I think they are symbolic / indicative of broader patterns #Also some of this probably contradicts things that I've said at other points #about how Minkowski dealt with Eiffel being stranded in space #But it's complicated. okay?#Sometimes I want to think about her grieving him and what that would look like #And sometimes I want to think about how in his absence she's much less able to process her emotions at all #Either way I'm emotional about them #This wasn't even initially meant to be a Minkowski & Eiffel post tbh #I just had this thought as I was writing this #It also wasn't meant to be 1000 words but these things just happen #Btw when I say I dislike the idea 'everything happens for a reason'#I fully respect if people find that a useful approach for their own personal misfortunes #but as soon as you start saying it to anyone else who is suffering #it feels distasteful to me #Maybe everything happens for a reason but sometimes the reason is shit etc #Eiffel & Minkowski #w359 spoilers #Wolf 359 spoilers #the empty man posteth #tw death #tw grief

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