#honestly reblogging this one because I’m proud of it and I want more people to see it
Text
Summary: Running into someone who was a key part in making high school hell for you wasn't what you expected when you settled into college
Pairing: Ukai Keishin x black!fem!reader
Warnings: friends to lovers (kinda), college!au, a handful of angst, reader kinda overworks herself, ukai is whipped for reader, one random bad encounter with an oc, reader was bullied in high school and is still holding onto that LMFAO, making out, grinding, tit sucking, little bit of marking, fingering, i think that's it, if there's anymore please tell me ya girl is tired
Word Count: 21,351 (oops)
A/N: Um, it's been a while LMFAO. I'm honestly not very proud of this fic, but I wanted to post it anyway as kinda of gateway to getting back into posting my fics cause I have four more (maybe five) that I wanna post. This was a part of my scrapped follower event (RIP). Reblogs are appreciated, and thank you for reading if you do read this trash!
The first week of classes always makes you anxious. This semester, you’ve got some classes in buildings you’ve never been in, and you didn’t get a chance to walk the campus to find them because you moved in so late. You don’t know why the apartment you moved into decided that moving in the weekend before school started was a great idea.
Luckily, you found your first class with ease, a simple elective that you need to graduate, and you hope that the coursework won’t be too hard. You got here early just in case you had trouble finding it, so you scroll on your phone to pass the time as the class fills in. None of your friends are in this class, so you’re not waiting on anybody.
By the size of the room, it doesn’t look like the class size will be that big, so you hope that the people that are taking it with you are bearable. No one is sitting at the desks around you, and that doesn’t bother you, but what does bother you is that someone sits right next to you when there were other seats open.
You try to keep the sigh you make as silent as possible, not even giving the person a look as you keep your attention on your phone. You put it away when the professor walks in, pulling your laptop out of your backpack as she introduces herself. “Make sure you guys introduce yourselves to the people around you because you’re going to be working with them a lot this semester.”
You try to hide your annoyance, putting on a nice smile before you turn to the person that’s sitting next to you, but it drops the moment your eyes land on them. You feel something run through you that you can’t explain, grabbing the corner of your desk in a tight grip.
“You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” he laughs, but there’s not a single part of you that finds any of this funny.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” you whisper, thankful that you’re in the back of the classroom so no one can eavesdrop.
“Why so hostile? I thought we were friends.”
“We’re far from that Ukai, and you know it.” His name feels heavy, foreign on your tongue, something you hadn’t even thought about saying in months.
Ukai Keishin. Someone that you’d never thought you’d see again. Someone who’s been haunting your past for way longer than you’d like. You thought that college would give you the chance to get away from him, and yeah sure, you picked a relatively small college, but out of all of the colleges, he picks this one? You can’t help but look over him, seeing how much he’s changed; how much he’s grown. He is not the same boy that you’ve known for so long, and you willfully ignore that part of you that wants to examine that even further.
“You’ve always been so mean to me,” he whines playfully, which makes you roll your eyes because that’s rich coming from him.
“Answer my question,” you say, hoping that you get an answer from him, and then you just go back to ignoring him.
“Same reason you are, no?”
“Why this one, specifically?” you press, looking around with your eyes for somewhere else you can sit the next time you have this class.
“You can ease up, alright? I’m being totally honest when I say I had no idea you would be here too.” It doesn’t sound like he’s lying, looking over his face before finding something else to do. You don’t bother to continue the conversation; thankfully, the professor gets the class's attention again.
She asks if anyone wants to share something about the person that they introduce themselves to, and a few people raise their hands. You sigh slowly, resting your chin on your hand after you put your elbow on the desk. After a few people have shared, she goes over the syllabus, but you’re not paying attention.
Even though you’re not looking at him, the fact that you now know he’s sitting next to you, is the only thing you can focus on. You’ve never wished for a class to be over so fast in your life so that you can just get out of here without having to speak to him again. You sigh a bit, feeling like he’s watching you, but you refuse to look over at him to confirm that.
The longer your professor talks, the more uneasy you start to feel. You knew that the class wouldn’t last the whole time today since it was the first class, but you swear that time has slowed down. You see Ukai move a little bit closer to you in the corner of your eye, and you try to act like you didn’t see it.
“When’s your next class?” you hear him whisper, but you don’t answer, only responding with a quick side-eye. You turn your attention back to the front, and you sigh in annoyance, but that’s not enough to deter him because you feel a nudge at your desk.
“Leave me alone,” you whisper, keeping your eyes forward.
“I will when you tell me.” You ball your hand into a fist, sighing again because you’re pretty sure he’s not going to mess with you anymore; figuring he just said that to get a rise out of you. You shake your head softly. It’s too fucking early for this. She’s starting to get toward the end of the syllabus, so you decide to order some food since you skipped breakfast this morning. You leave your phone on your desk while you put your laptop back into your bag, and when your eyes land on your desk, your phone is gone.
Your head immediately turns to the culprit, and he’s looking at the screen, but you can’t tell what he’s doing. “Are you a child?!” you grit, glancing at the front of the room before you try to reach for it. He’s quick to move away from you so that you can’t reach your phone, and right as your professor dismisses the class, he gives you your phone back.
You frown, thinking that he was going to put up more of a fight, and you notice how he steps closer to you when the other students are leaving the classroom, but there’s nowhere for you to move to. When the last student is out, you quickly make your way out, sliding past him when he puts distance between the two of you.
You have a class in about another hour, so you order your food before you check to see if he did anything to your phone. Nothing looks different, and he cleared your apps, covering his tracks, so you’d have to do some digging to figure out what he did. You don’t bother to find it right now, trying not to concentrate on the fact that you will now be in the same room as Ukai.
You cross your fingers that he’ll drop the class, and you could also do that, but there’s no way you’d go through with it. You had left high school with high hopes that you would never see him again, but it’s just your shitty luck that you do. He made your life a living hell before college, and you were hoping that you could start fresh, leaving all of that behind.
But how long has he been here? You’ve been here a year already and you had no clue that he was here. And even if he was, your mom would’ve probably told you about it since she stays in touch with some of the other parents of your peers from high school. So, why were you unpleasantly surprised today?
You check to see how close your food is to being ready when you get a text. Your walking slows when you see Ukai’s name pop up, and seeing it allows you to figure out what he was doing with your phone. You swipe it away, shaking your head before you pick up the pace, but you falter when you see that he’s calling you.
You stop, stepping off to the side so that you’re not in the way of other people before you answer it. “God, what do you want?” you groan.
“It’s only ten-thirty in the morning, and you’re already this grumpy?” he chuckles, and you ball your hand into a fist, taking a deep breath to try and calm yourself.
“I’m blocking you,” you say.
“Aw, you don’t mean that, do you?” You can hear his voice more precisely this time, but it doesn’t sound like it’s coming through the phone. You turn around to see him walking up to you with a smirk on his face, phone by his ear.
You hang up the phone, sighing heavily. “What do you want?” you repeat, way past annoyed right now, and when you look back at him, you see something flash in his eyes, but it’s gone before you can figure out what it was.
“Just give me fifteen minutes, okay?” He’s lost that teasing tone in his voice, and you chew on your lip softly while you contemplate before you finally give in.
“Fine. I’m heading to the student union to get some food,” you tell him, hoping that this will finally get him to leave you alone. You start walking, and he happily steps in rhythm right next to you. It’s pretty silent for the first couple of feet you walk, and you expected him to continue the conversation, but he stays silent.
You definitely don’t have anything you want to say to him; well, in public at least. Your mind is racing as you walk, and you’re starting to wish that he would talk to you so that you can shut your thoughts out. You can’t help but think about how he treated you when you were younger, and how most of the time he was the aid in your bullying.
As far as you’re concerned, you didn’t think he liked you, or either he loved to make your life a living hell, and his actions justified that. But what he’s doing now is completely baffling to you. You can’t help but scoff, rubbing over your head as you smile. Who knew that your day could be turned upside down in a matter of minutes?
“What’s so funny?” he asks, making you realize that you accidentally reacted to your thoughts out loud.
“So, did you transfer, or…?” you say, not wanting to answer the question.
“Nah, I was here last school year,” he answers, shoving his hands in his pockets. You nod softly, looking at the ground. The school isn’t that small, so you may have just never run into him. But on the other hand, the school isn’t massive either, so you’re a bit surprised that you haven’t seen him.
“I’m assuming you’re majoring in something dealing with agriculture?” you ask next, meeting his gaze, and the smile he gives you makes you feel too many things, and you don’t like it.
“Horticulture, specifically, yeah,” he tells you with a nod, looking at the ground before he looks at you again. “Now, how’d you know that?”
You choke a bit, clearing your throat as you look off to the side. “I mean, who didn’t? Farming was all you talked about in high school,” you try. It’s a horrible attempt at taking the heat off the fact that you know what he’s interested in, and you know there’s no way that it worked.
“You were listening to me in high school?” he questions, and the teasing tone in his voice increases your urge to punch him in the stomach.
“It’s not like I had a choice, you and your friends talked so fucking loud all of the time.” That you say with confidence because there’s a ton of truth to that statement. He’s always been obnoxious, but with his friends, it seemed like it would always multiply. Not seeing him was the best part of your high school career.
He laughs a bit in surprise before he nods. “Okay, I’ll give you that.” One of the bigger classes must’ve gotten out because there are a lot more people around as you walk, forcing Ukai to move closer to you. You try to shy away, but there’s no way you can move without falling off the sidewalk, so you just bite your tongue when you feel his shoulder brush against yours.
“Alright, so how’s your schedule looking this semester?”
“Hectic to say the least,” you chuckle, sighing a bit as you think about your future workload. “So, I hope this class will be the least of my worries.”
“Ah, you’ll be fine, just don’t stress too much about it.”
You scoff. “Yeah, that’s a lot easier said than done.” When you get to the student union, he holds the door open for you, and you thank him softly, picking up your pace a little, but he falls in time with your steps.
You quickly glance at your phone, seeing that your order is ready, and you’re grateful for an excuse to get away from him. “Uh, well, my food is ready, so I should probably go.” You try to turn around as fast as you can, but he must notice that you’re trying to leave because he starts talking right when you finish.
“Do you have any other classes today?” he says quickly, and you stop, trying to hide your heavy sigh.
“No,” you lie, but that isn’t enough to let him drop the conversation because he speaks up again, and you wonder why you haven’t just walked away yet.
“You mind if I join you while you eat?” That sounds like a horrible idea, so you promptly come up with an excuse that thankfully doesn’t sound forced.
“Oh, well, I’m probably gonna go sit in the library,” you say. “Wanna make sure I’m not gonna fall behind since I already have homework.” You feel like you might be playing it up too much, especially when he squints after he hears your words.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say it sounds like you’re trying to avoid me,” he infers, and you start to panic a little bit, trying to think about how to respond.
“I’m not. I promise.” You chuckle, waving your hand out right as you feel your phone vibrate with a text. “I’ve already made plans to meet up with my friend, so…” Perfect timing, you think in your head because if that text hadn’t come through, you don’t know what you would’ve said.
He smirks at you before he nods his head. “Okay, then. I’ll let you go.” You almost curl your body forward slightly in relief, but you hold that urge back. “It was good to see you again.”
“Yeah,” you say tersely, giving him a tight smile. You awkwardly wave before you finally turn around and walk away to get your food. You don’t walk fast, but you do try to get out of there as soon as you can because you can feel his eyes on you without even having to look.
It makes you feel a certain type of way that you don’t even want to try and tackle, so you hightail it out of there. Once you get outside, you feel like you can breathe again, but now you don’t know where to go. It’s not like you could sit inside the student union after lying to Keishin, so you look at the time on your phone to try and figure out where would be the best place to go.
Based on the time, there’s a building you could sit in and not have to worry about a lot of people being there, so you head on over there. You slide your headphones onto your head from around your neck and let the music take over the thoughts that you don’t want to hear right now as you walk.
“It’s only the beginning of the week, and you already look like you want it to be over.” Your forehead is pillowed by your forearms on the table, and you lift your head to set your chin on your arms.
“I had a terrible surprise this morning,” you answer solemnly. You didn’t lie to Ukai entirely. You were meeting up with your friend, but it was after your second class, and you weren’t meeting her in the library. So, it was just a tiny lie. Luckily, you didn’t run into him anymore today, but you hate how you were on high alert the whole day.
You’ve never been more aware of your surroundings, looking around when you leave the building, and making sure you’re continuously looking around as you walked to your car. You could say that you’re being dramatic, but another part of you just wants to consider it “keeping your peace” since seeing Ukai again brought back painful memories.
“What? You tripped in front of a lot of people or what?” You sit up, sighing as you lean back in your chair.
“I saw someone from high school that I thought I’d never see again.” Your friend flips through her textbook, already having homework, as she shrugs.
“So? What’s so bad about that?”
“He made my life a living hell.” Your friend perks up at that, lifting her head to give you her full attention.
“Oh, it’s a ‘he’? Is he cute?” You give her a plain look, which makes her chuckle a little. “Okay, so I need a backstory. We’ve been friends for like a year, and I don’t think I’ve heard about this guy.”
And there’s a reason for that. You would much rather leave painful memories behind, but your luck says otherwise. “Well, I would prefer to not talk about a guy that made my life harder than needed,” you start with a sigh, “but today, he acted like everything from high school never happened.”
“What does that mean?”
“He was nice to me.” You can’t help but scoff a little, laughing because it sounds like the bare minimum, but he was nowhere near acting like that back then. “I thought he hated me or something.”
“Why do you think he hates you?”
“Because he messed with me non-stop! He and his friends humiliated me as much as they could.”
“Are you sure that it was him that was messing with you or was he just in the background?” That makes you freeze, and you slump a little at her question. If you think about it, he’s never physically done or said anything to you, but the fact that he was there, and didn’t do anything to stop it was enough to convince you that he didn’t like you. And it was enough for you to not like him.
“What did he say to you today?” your friend asks after you’re silent for a while.
“He put his number in my phone, and he walked with me to the student union. He said he thought we were friends.” You rub your hand over your face, resting your top half on the table again. There’s so much confusion on a Monday, and you’ve barely been to all of your classes.
“It doesn’t sound like he hates you to me.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s making me sound like I’m fucking crazy,” you say lightly, looking at what’s playing on the TV behind your friend. “I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to butter me up or something to try and make himself look good. And then he’ll make my life miserable again once I let him back in.”
“You’ve always been so dramatic,” your friend laughs. “I’m telling you right now, that I don’t think that’s the case. He definitely would’ve acted differently, right? Did he ever talk to you in high school?”
“Barely. I caught him staring at me all the fucking time. He sometimes tried to talk to me after his friends did something to me, but I never let him speak.” Your friend is a hundred percent invested in this story, all of her attention on you instead of her textbooks.
“Okay, give me a couple of instances where you were messed with,” she tells you after she laughs at your answer. You take a deep breath, preparing yourself to re-live through some of those moments.
You tell her about the time they constantly tripped you while you were walking to your seat in a class you shared with him. You tell her about the time they started rumors about you multiple times. Now, that you’re older, they weren’t that bad, but just the thought of people that stuff about you made you hate half of high school.
You told her about all the times you heard them whispering, knowing that they were talking about you and feeling tears welling up in your eyes at the snickers you would hear behind you. You stop soon after, biting your lip to calm yourself before your friend asks where was Ukai in all of this.
“He never said anything, and like I said, he was always staring at me whenever I looked at him.” You tell her about the times he would come up to you after class, usually after the bullying, but you didn’t give him a chance to speak, darting out of the room before he could even get your name out.
“Maybe he was trying to apologize,” she offers. “I’m not saying that I’m condoning him sitting there and letting it happen, but I don’t think he hates you like you say he does. At all.”
“Well, he had a lot of time to apologize, and he never did.” Yeah, you’re still hung up about it, and you don’t care if you sound like a child. He was a bystander and still dared to call them his friends and hang out with them after what they did to you.
“Well, I’m not gonna tell you what to do, but if you wanna hear him out, I don’t blame you. But if you don’t, then you could always drop the class and find another one to fill your requirement,” she says. “But, I know you’re not gonna drop, so it’s up to you,” she tacks on, making you frown at her. She smiles at you before she goes back to your textbook, and you can’t help but copy it, standing up and making your way toward your room, but not without playfully shoving her first.
You spend the rest of your night torn between completely ignoring your friend or taking her advice. Not having homework is a good and bad thing because you don’t have anything to distract you from your thoughts. You kill the time by watching a show that you’ve already seen a bunch of times, scrolling through your phone while you sit on your bed.
Your friend has a point, but there’s a part of you that’s spent a while trying to lock that part of your life away, and you don’t want to go through the trouble of opening it back up again. You don’t know if you’ll be able to handle it when everything you’ve suppressed comes flying out.
When your eyelids start to feel heavy, you decide to call it a night, hoping in the shower before you do your face routine. When you get in bed, you toss and turn for a little bit, hoping that your dilemma stays out of your dreams.
Wednesday rolls around faster than you’d like, and you find yourself in that class once again in the same seat you picked on the first day of classes. You keep your headphones on as you get comfortable, having about fifteen minutes before class starts. You can feel yourself getting antsier as the class time approaches, wondering if Ukai dropped the class.
You shrug off your thoughts, questioning in your head why you’re so worried about him in the first place. It doesn’t do much though because you feel your heart start racing when you can see someone sitting next to you in your peripheral. You don’t look, keeping your eyes on your phone, but you decide to switch your attention to your laptop.
You think the professor talks starting, so you turn your headphones off, sliding them off your head. “Good morning.” You hear it almost as soon as you take the headphones off your ears, and it nearly scares you.
“Morning,” you reply softly, glancing to the side to confirm that Ukai is sitting next to you.
“How was your day yesterday?” he asks, and you shake your head a little as you shrug.
“Uh, it was pretty okay, I guess. It’ll be more hectic next week once my labs start,” you tell him, and it feels weird to be making small talk with him. Your friend’s words echo in your head as you ask him about his day yesterday.
“Mine was pretty okay, too. You know the first week of classes is always dragging.” You give him a nod, deciding to fully turn your head to look at him, but when you see that he’s staring right at you, you quickly look back at your laptop.
Your professor starts talking, so you attempt to pay attention even though you’re more nervous than you’d like to be. Right as she finishes the discussion about what you’re going to be doing today, someone walks into the class.
No one notices because they’ve all started talking to themselves in the groups that they’re in, and since you’re sitting in the back right by the door, she catches your attention. You look over her, commenting in your head how pretty her outfit is, but then Ukai quickly averts your attention to him.
“You did the readings, right?” he asks, and you squint at him.
“Did you?” you say right back, and he smiles a little which makes you think about how you’re feeling about that.
“I did,” he answers confidently before giving you a synopsis of the reading much to your surprise. “I can’t slack off like I did in high school, so I’m trying to start early so I don’t get behind.” His words leave you a little stunned, but before you can even try and form a response, the girl who walked in late walks up to the both of you.
“You don’t mind if I work with you, do you?” She’s only looking at Ukai when she asks, and she must’ve walked up to the professor and had her fill her in on what you’re doing.
“Well, I’m working with her already, so,” he answers, and you make a face when it looks like disdain appears across her face.
“Oh, well, the professor said I could join a group,” she responds, and you can feel the air taking an awkward turn, but you have no idea what to say. Ukai sighs a little, glancing at you before he looks at her.
“Sure, one more doesn’t hurt.” She smiles widely before moving one of the desks closer to him before sitting down, and he leans towards you, which makes you lean back a little. “Are you okay with this?” he whispers.
“Uh, yeah, it’s fine,” you mumble back quickly, overwhelmed by how close he is. It doesn’t look like your words convinced him, but she’s talking to him again, so he doesn’t get a chance to make sure. While he’s talking to her, filling her in on what you’re supposed to be doing, you pull up your annotations from the readings you had to read for this class.
For about ten minutes, absolutely no work gets done because every time Ukai tries to talk to you, she interrupts with questions that have nothing to do with the work. And she’s only talking to him. You have an annoyed look on your face as you stare at your empty word document. Ukai seems to be just annoyed as you, and you truly don’t know why she’s acting like this. You don’t even know her.
You figure that you’re probably not going to get any work done, and by the conversations you’re overhearing from the other groups, they’re not necessarily talking about their group work either. It seems like there’s a lull in the conversation between her and Ukai, so you speak up.
“I like your outfit,” you say, giving her a small smile.
“I didn’t ask.”
Keishin freezes, his fingers no longer typing on his keyboard, and your face drops. She’s giving you an ugly look, and you’re about to turn and face her, but he stops you by asking you some questions about the work. There’s a look in his eyes that you can’t decipher, but after that, he barely pays attention to her.
Every time she tries to talk, he talks over her, and it’s starting to get to you. “Ukai, it’s okay,” you say softly, and you don’t need to say it that loud because he’s practically in your space, moving over whenever she moved closer to him.
“No, it’s not,” he grits, and you never knew that fifty minutes could be so long. You managed to get some of your document filled, and you start to pack your stuff up once there are about five minutes left in class. You wish you could be out of here sooner. The girl continues to talk now that Ukai isn’t occupied anymore, and you can’t even bring yourself to look their way.
You feel a pit forming in your stomach at what she said to you, her attitude not sitting right with you, but you don’t want to say anything to her. The other part of you just wants to get out of her, and you refuse to let her ruin the rest of your day. Your professor lets the class out a little early once she sees that everyone is finishing up, and since your backpack is already packed, you quickly stand.
Ukai stands up almost at the same time you do, way faster. “So, I was wondering–” The girl is standing as well, and she’s still talking to him.
“I didn’t ask.” You choke a bit at Ukai’s sudden response, turning your head to look away as you try to hold in your laugh, but not before you can catch her stunned reaction. You jump when he grabs your hand and pulls you out of the room ahead of everyone else. You have to walk a little faster to keep up with him, and he doesn’t let your hand go until you’re both well away from the building.
“Are you okay?” he asks, slowing his steps.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be okay?” you say. “I’m a little pissed, yeah, but I’m not stressed over it.” He doesn’t say anything in return, and the silence allows you to remember that he’s still holding your hand.
You feel your face grow warm as you slightly tug, and he feels it, letting go of your hand immediately. “Sorry about that,” he chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Don’t worry about it,” you say lightly even though your body isn’t taking it so lightly. You grab your hand gently, rubbing over your palm as if you’re missing the feeling of his hand against yours.
“So, it looks like you’re done for the day,” he says without missing a beat, and you frown a bit before you quickly remember that you lied to him about your schedule.
“Oh, yeah,” you respond slowly, wondering if you want to come clean about it. “I would be, but I do have another class in an hour. My professor canceled the class on Monday for some reason.” You don’t know why you’re telling him this, and there’s a small part of you that regrets it the moment you do.
“Really? What class is it?”
“Uh, quantitative chemistry.”
“Oof, sounds hard,” he grimaces, and you chuckle a little, shaking your head a little.
“I don’t think it’ll be that bad, hopefully. Math wasn’t always my best, but it’s stuff I already learned so I should be fine.” You try not to focus on how close he is to you as you walk, and you know there’s no reason for him to be since the foot traffic isn’t bad. “Do you have anything else today?” you ask, trying to use conversation as a way to keep your thoughts quiet.
“Yeah, I have a stats class in an hour as well,” he sighs.
“God, I do not miss taking that. I’m glad I’m done with it.”
“Lucky you then,” he jests, nudging you with his shoulder. “I absolutely suck at math, so this won’t be fun.” You open your mouth getting ready to say that you remember that from high school, but you quickly shut it. You don’t need to expose yourself anymore.
“It might not be that bad, you’re given the formulas on the exams anyways.”
“Well, if I ever have trouble, I know to call you.”
“Right,” you mumble. The conversation thankfully stops without being awkward, but you don’t want to listen to your head right now. There’s so much going on, your brain is trying to process too much, so you try to think about where you’re going to kill time until your next class.
“Are you gonna be getting food again today?” he asks after a while even though you’re not walking anywhere near the student union. Which makes you notice that he’s just been walking wherever you’re going.
You shake your head. “No, I ate a pretty big breakfast today, so I’m just gonna find somewhere to sit while I wait for my next class.”
“You mind if I join you?” You hesitate for a split second before you answer.
“If you want to,” you say, leaving it at that as you try not to reveal how you’re feeling. But hell, you don’t even know how you’re feeling about this.
You find a place outside since it’s nice and not too hot to sit at, and it’s an equal distance for both of you from your next class. Since you already have assignments due for your classes, you try to get a headstart on it, so you pull out your notes and laptop to get started on that.
Ukai sits across from you, and it takes everything in you to not look at him. He’s on his phone for a while that you can see from your peripheral, but then he’s on his laptop soon after that. You get into your work, finding a groove, and you’re almost done with most of it when you hear someone call Ukai’s name.
Both of you look up, and your heart drops when your eyes land on the owner of the voice. You quickly put your head down, hoping that your undivided attention on your laptop screen will cause him not to notice you. You swallow heavily as they greet each other, and you look at the time to see that you still have twenty minutes until your class starts.
You try to pack up some of your stuff since you’re done anyway, but then you feel your body run cold when Ukai says your name. “You remember her, right?” You hesitantly look up, and you can feel all of the emotions that you’ve been trying to suppress bubble over.
The guy says your name again in disbelief before recognition goes across his face. “Wow, it is you! I almost didn’t recognize you,” he laughs, and you wait for it. “You aren’t as ugly as you were in high school.” There it is.
You barely smile at him because there’s no way you can laugh that off, and you see Ukai frown deeply, turning to the guy, you start to close your laptop. “I’m gonna head out,” you start, and Ukai tries to stop you, but the guy won’t shut up about how much you’ve changed, calling you the names he called you back then, and you can feel yourself starting to break down.
“Don’t leave,” Ukai says, catching your hand before you can put your stuff in your bag.
“Yeah, we have to stay and catch up,” the guy buds in, and you know there isn’t a smile on your face when you look at him.
“You can go,” Ukai orders, keeping his hand on yours, and this situation is so awkward and embarrassing, but your body is frozen at Keishin’s words. The guy tries to laugh Ukai’s sudden change in attitude off, not even the slightest put off by him.
“Come on, man. This is hilarious, no? You remember how much she–”
“I remember how much I wanted to beat your ass,” Ukai states. “Now leave before I do.” You try to keep your breathing even as you look around. No one was around to hear the conversation, but some people are looking as they walk to wherever they are going. The guy stops smiling, looking at Ukai like he’s grown a second head.
“Are you serious right now?” the guy questions incredulously as he looks at you. “Don’t tell me you’re feeling this bitch–”
Ukai is on his feet in a split second, grabbing the guy by the collar of his shirt. “You have two seconds to move your ass before I do it for you. You apologize to her now, and I never want to see your face again.”
Your body is shaking so badly, you feel like you could cry, and you flinch a little when Ukai tightens his grip on his shirt, shaking him just a little. “I’m not playing around here. Apologize. Now.”
“Ukai, it’s okay, he doesn’t have to–” you try, but he doesn’t even look at you, pulling the guy closer to him and nearly off of his feet.
“Yes. He. Does.”
“Okay, okay. Just chill,” the guy pleads, and Keishin lets his grip loose just a little, but he doesn’t let him go. “I’m sorry, okay?” At this point, you don’t care for his half-assed apology, but the high school part of you is feeling a rush from hearing him say those words.
“Mean it,” he says angrily, and the guy turns to look at you.
“I’m sorry,” he says, but that doesn’t satisfy Ukai.
“For?”
“For messing with you. I’m sorry for what I just said. I was just fucking around in high school, and I didn’t mean any of the things I said. I promise,” he rushes out, and you’d never thought you’d hear that from him. You’re so overwhelmed with emotions right now, that you don’t say anything, but Ukai lets the guy go with a rough shove.
“Get the fuck out of my face,” he hisses, and the guy fixes his shirt, giving Ukai a searing glare, but he walks off without another word. You take a deep breath when he disappears out of sight, and you jump a bit when Ukai’s next to you. “Are you okay? I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“I’m fine,” you breathe, finally looking at Ukai, and you don’t think you’ve ever seen him look so worried. His hands are on your shoulders, and you give him a smile to try and lessen his worries. “I’m fine. I just thought I’d never see him again,” you say with an airy chuckle, and when you start to relax, he lets his hands slide off of you, but you’re still a little frazzled to notice how long they take to leave your body.
Ukai goes to say something, but you check the time on your phone to see that you don’t have a lot of time until your next class. “Oh, we have to go,” you say softly, packing up your stuff. Ukai stands there, watching you, and you turn to him once you have your backpack on your shoulders. “Thanks, Ukai,” you say softly.
“Of course,” he says just as softly, and you return the smile he gives you. “You go on ahead, I’ll see you on Friday.” You nod, walking off, and he watches you go. He sighs as he starts to pack his stuff up. There’s so much he wanted to say to you.
Maybe next time.
You’re a month into the semester, and your work is already stockpiling. You try to get ahead of it, but it always ends up catching up to you. You’ve piled up on your classes this semester, and you’re starting to hate your past self for doing that. The class you have with Ukai is the only class where the workload isn’t the heaviest, but it still takes a hefty amount of time to do the work for it.
The readings that you have to read before class have gotten longer, and you just barely have enough time to read them. You’re dragging ass when you get to class on Monday, feeling like you might fall asleep at your desk when you sit down. You’re surprised you managed to even remember bringing all of your stuff for class today, and Ukai sits next to you as you slowly take your stuff out of your bag.
“Rough night?” you barely hear him ask, and it takes you a while to blink, your eyelids feeling like they’re tied to weights.
“Something like that,” you whisper before you rub your eyes. “My workload is a bitch especially with midterms coming up, so I’m not getting a lot of sleep.” You yawn as you rest your chin on your hand. He doesn’t say anything else, and the professor starts talking, but he keeps his eyes on you while she does.
You rub your hand over your face, even drinking water to try and keep yourself awake. You feel like you might cry when she announces that you’re going to be presenting in front of the class about the readings you’re doing. Ukai watches you make a face at her words, and then he notices that you’re still working on things all the while.
But when the class breaks off to do work, you immediately start talking about the readings that you had to do for the class. He wants to ask about how you’re doing, but he doesn’t think he’ll get the chance. His concern is only fueled when you keep having to stop to think about what you’re saying. He ends up doing most of the work, which he doesn’t mind, and it seems like class flies by in a blur.
You and Ukai will have to present at least twice this semester, the first presentation being next week, which means you’ll have to get started on your papers now. When class is dismissed, he waits for you to pack up your stuff, and he can tell that you’re really tired especially since you’re not walking as fast as you usually do.
“So, are you going to be free any time to work on this?” he asks you once you’re both walking outside.
“It’s gonna have to be at the end of the week. I’m gonna try and get as much work done as I can so I can focus on this. Sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, I can make it work.”
“We can try and start on it now while we wait for our next class if you want to,” you offer, and you both find a spot inside this time since it looks like it might rain, which doesn’t help your grogginess. Ukai sits next to you, but you’re too tired to freak out about it. He starts talking about the readings that you have to do, and what you could potentially write about in your paper.
You don’t know if it’s because you’ve chosen a pretty quiet spot, or if it’s his voice, but something starts to put you to sleep. Ukai can see your head bobbing every time you doze off, but he doesn’t say anything, continuing to talk about the material, and while you start to doze off again, he lets his hand gently guide it to his shoulder.
You don’t protest, going without a fight, and he looks down at you, only stopping when he realizes he’s been staring at you too long. He continues working, making sure not to move his arm too much so that he doesn’t wake you, and he opens up another document, typing up stuff that you could add to your paper.
When it’s almost time for you to go, he hesitates to wake you up because you look like you need sleep, but he knows you’d kill him for not waking you up in time for class. He gently shakes you, and you wake up with a start, looking around. You calm down instantly when you look at Ukai, looking at his laptop screen before sighing.
“God, Ukai, I am so sorry,” you say, rubbing your head. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.”
“Don’t sweat it. I wrote down some ideas for you to start with,” he tells you. “I’ll send it to you later. You gotta get to class.”
“Thank you so much. I owe you.” You don’t have to put your stuff up since you didn’t even get the chance to take anything out, and you stand up, stretching when you stand up fully. You check the time on your phone, putting a little pep in your step since you feel a bit energized as you start to walk away. You turn to wave to him as you leave, and the smile doesn’t leave his face even when you’re gone.
“Should’ve taken a picture,” he mumbles.
~
When you get home, you all but drag yourself to your room. You change your clothes before flopping down on your bed, and sleep is calling your name, but if you go to sleep now, you’ll mess up your schedule. You lift yourself when you hear a knock on your door while you let your roommate know that she can come in.
“Are you getting enough sleep?” she questions the moment she walks in. She sits down at your desk with a feigned stern look, already knowing the answer.
“I’ll try tonight. I just have a lot of work this week. And now I have to write a paper to present with Ukai next week,” you groan, and your roommate raises her eyebrows.
“Ukai? Haven’t heard his name since you mentioned him,” she says. “How’s all that going?”
“It’s going, I guess. I don’t know what you want me to say.” You think about how your head was on his shoulder earlier, and you feel your face start to warm, and your roommate notices the change.
“Yeah, okay. You’re not fooling me. What’s up with you two?”
“Nothing!” you exclaim. “I think,” you add softly, ultimately sighing in defeat, and your roommate moves to sit next to you on your bed, very invested. “I mean, we’ve been hanging on a lot during our breaks in-between classes. And I fell asleep on his shoulder today,” you say, grimacing at the thought.
“So, what? Do you like him or something?”
“I don’t know,” you answer honestly. “I kinda had a crush on him in high school, but it was mostly bittersweet because he was always there whenever I was being messed with. Speaking of, I saw one of the guys a while ago.”
“What?” your roommate says, her mouth open. “What happened?”
“Ukai threatened him and had him apologize to me,” you laugh which you can do now that the situation is behind you.
“Shit, girl, you don’t think he’s into you too, right?”
“No,” you respond quickly with a shake of your head. “There’s no way he likes me now or back then. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Don’t say that,” she tries. “I feel like there might be something there.”
“Maybe,” you say reluctantly. “I just don’t wanna read anything wrong.”
“I don’t think you are. I feel like he might have a thing for you. He has had a thing for you.” You try not to fall too deep into her words, but with the way he’s been acting, it doesn’t sound totally out of the ordinary. “Just keep me updated, I’m invested in your love story now.”
“Don’t call it that!” You shove her playfully as both of you laugh, and she gets off your bed, heading to the door.
“Don’t stay up too late, okay?” she says before she closes the door. Once it gets quiet, you begrudgingly decide to start on your work, so you move to your desk, starting on your chemistry homework since that’s what’s taking you so much time.
You play some music to help you focus, and you try to get into study mode. Which takes you a lot longer than it should because your head is focused on a certain someone. You groan softly as you let your head fall on your desk. Maybe if you think about it now, it’ll help you focus.
You definitely had some feelings for Ukai back then. You thought he was really cute, he actually is still very much cute. He looks even better now than he did in high school. But you were never confident enough to even start a conversation with him all through high school. You shared the same classes, but you just kept it to yourself. Not even your high school friends knew how you felt about him.
But then those feelings started to fade a bit when the guys he hung out with started to bully you. You mostly felt anger at first, but then it turned to hurt and a little bit of betrayal because the guy you liked wasn’t doing anything to stop what was happening. And then you hated yourself for being a damsel in distress. Once the bullying seemed to die down by the time you were in your last year, you were “over” him.
You didn’t have nearly as many feelings for him, they were still there, but you sort of suppressed them. And then you attempted to get rid of them when you got to college because you were under the notion that you would never see him again. But of course, you had to run into him, and now those feelings are starting to bloom again.
You never once thought that he reciprocated his feelings, and you never talked to him because it seemed like the only time he was going to say something to you was after his friends did, and the last thing you wanted to do was talk to him.
“Okay, that’s enough,” you say to yourself, picking up your pencil and trying to get back to where you were. Right as you’re about to start another problem, your phone stops playing music and then your ringtone follows. You pick it up to see who’s calling, and you feel your heart start racing when you see that it’s Ukai.
You were thinking about him, and now he’s calling you. You don’t wait to answer it, putting it on speaker as you set the phone back down. “You cut off my music,” you say lightly, and you bite your lip a little when you hear his laugh come through the phone.
“Sorry. I just wanted to check on you. Making sure you’re giving yourself a break,” he says, and your roommate’s words start to play in your mind.
“I actually haven’t been working for that long,” you say, but then you look at the clock, seeing how much time has passed.
“Really? When did you start?” he questions, and when you go silent, he chuckles again. “Okay, so that means you need to take a break.”
“Okay, fine,” you relent. “Is that all you were calling about?”
“Maybe I just wanted to hear your voice.” You don’t know how to respond to that, his words making you silent again. “I was having trouble focusing so I thought you might be able to help me.”
“And how would I be able to do that?” you ask, trying to calm your racing heart.
“Don’t know,” he answers, which makes you roll your eyes. “I guess I could try and listen to music like you.”
“You should, it helps.”
“I’d rather talk to you,” he replies almost too fast.
“But I don’t think it’s helping you,” you chuckle. “It just sounds like I’m distracting you.”
“I’m okay with that.” You put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself from screaming. What is happening right now?
“So, you called me just to distract you then?” you ask after your quick freak out.
“Yeah,” he answers quickly. “Work doesn’t seem so bad now that I’m talking to you.”
You can’t help but laugh. “Well, obviously. A lot of people would rather be doing anything else other than work.”
He goes silent for a second, and you’re about to ask him if he’s still there, but he talks before you can. “Am I being too much of a distraction?”
You let a shy smile appear on your face as you shake your head even though he can’t see you. “No, you’re not. I like talking to you,” you say, feeling your face warm.
“Good. I like talking to you too,” he says, and you quietly laugh, but you stop the urge to kick your feet like you’re in high school. Time seems to fly by as you talk to Ukai, and you’re having such a good time that you don’t even notice that it has until your roommate knocks on your door.
“Hey, girl, I was checking on you. You haven’t come out of your room,” she says, peeking her head into your room.
“I’m taking breaks, don’t worry,” you tell her, hoping that she won’t see that you’re on the phone with Ukai. “I’ll probably finish up here soon.” That seems to be enough to convince her because she gives you a smile and a goodnight before she closes the door.
“Sorry, that was my roommate,” you tell him.
“Don’t worry about it. Glad to know you have someone that’s making sure you’re taking care of yourself.”
“Yeah, she’s like my mom,” you laugh.
“I didn’t mean to keep you on the phone this long, you probably got no work done,” he says.
“I actually did. So, talking to you helped after all.”
“Well, you’re welcome,” he jokes, and you roll your eyes. “...I don’t wanna hang up,” he whispers after he goes silent, and in your head, you agree.
“Well,” you start. “I could call you after I get out of the shower,” you offer, and your eyes dart around to the things on your desk as you wait for his answer.
“Yeah. That sounds good. I’ll be waiting.”
“Okay, well, I’ll talk to you soon.” You hang up the phone, and you have to get it out, so you do a little happy dance before you calm yourself down. You jump violently when your door burst open.
“I knew you were talking to him!” your roommate yells. “You can’t fool me!”
“Thank you for giving me a heart attack,” you sigh, grabbing your phone and standing up.
“So, what’s going on now? A date?” she presses, and you scoff as you shake your head.
“Absolutely nothing of the sort. I’m getting in the shower,” you say, pushing her out of your room so you can get ready.
“Yeah, okay. You better keep me posted,” she tells you again, and you shake your head before closing the door.
You shower quickly, washing your face, and brushing your teeth before you get in bed. You wait for a little just in case he might be showering too, and it takes you a while to even call him at that. Your finger hovers over the call button in your recents until you finally press it. It doesn’t even ring twice before he picks up.
“I missed you.”
“It hasn’t even been that long,” you say, a laugh leaving your chest against your will.
“Doesn’t matter,” he tells you softly as you start to get comfortable. “You laying down?”
“Yes, I am. I might fall asleep on you if I’m being honest,” you say, a yawn following right after.
“That’s okay. You need to get your sleep.”
Ukai ends up doing most of the talking which is fine by him, and he can’t help but smile to himself when he hears your responses turning into soft hums. A part of him wishes he would’ve video called you so that he could see you, but he’ll take this for now. He stops talking once he can hear you softly snoring, but he doesn’t hang up.
Sleep is right behind him, so he rolls over on his side, getting more comfortable. “Goodnight,” he tells you even though you can’t hear him, and it’s not long until he’s asleep himself.
You had gotten enough work done this week that you had enough time to work on your presentation with Ukai. You decided to meet up at his place this weekend, and you feel so conflicted with yourself as you stand in front of your mirror trying to figure out what to wear.
“Why am I being like this?” you mumble to yourself. You’ve been trying to tell yourself not to worry about it and just put on some clothes, but there’s a part of you that has too much of a say to let you do just that. You’ve put on and taken off so many clothes, the pile on your bed and floor only increasing.
You don’t have time for this, having only about twenty minutes before you have to get there. Ukai lives pretty close to campus while you have to drive back and forth between your apartment and campus. That’s something you and your roommate hate, so you’re currently looking for a new place for next school year.
You groan out loud as the voice in your head tells you that you don’t like the outfit you have on. You jump when you hear a knock on your door, and the familiar sight of your roommate peeking her head in fills your eyes. “You okay?”
“Yeah, of course,” you say, but she’s always been good at reading you, and she frowns before pushing the door open further. Her eyebrows crease when she sees that your room looks like your closet exploded.
“You’re worried about what you’re wearing? You going somewhere special or something?” she questions instantly, but even the question doesn’t give you enough time to come up with a lie, because she quickly puts two and two together. “Don’t tell me you’re going on a date.”
“It’s not a date,” you emphasize. “We’re just working on a presentation we have to do on Monday.”
“Well, where are you meeting him?” she asks, and you look away from her, hesitant to answer. “His place?” she says when you don’t respond, and your reaction to the next question is all she needs to know the answer. “This is news to me! Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“Because I knew you were gonna make a big deal about it, and I didn’t wanna psych myself out.”
“Okay, okay. Relax, y/n,” she says, putting her hands on your shoulders. “There’s nothing to be worried about. I won’t make a big deal about it because it isn’t if you think about it. It’s just two people working on a project,” she offers, and that perspective does make you feel better. “It’s only a big deal if you make it, and it’s not like it’s gonna be awkward. You both have been in close proximity before,” she adds, and you admit in your head that she’s right.
“I guess you have a point,” you say, but you’re still looking around at all of the clothes you’ve put on.
“But, I can help you with an outfit,” she smiles, and you roll your eyes.
“You just said it wasn’t that big of a deal.”
“Okay, yeah, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dress up a little. You’re going out, why wouldn’t you?” she says, and you chuckle a bit, starting to consider if her words are a contradiction to what she just said, but you let her do it anyway.
While she’s going through your clothes, you quickly text Ukai to tell him that you’re running a little late, and you can’t help but smile when he responds almost instantly telling you it’s no big deal. Maybe you are overthinking this whole thing.
“Okay, here ya go.” You look up to see her holding one of your worn t-shirts, and some shorts, but when you look at which ones she’s holding, you put your hands on your hips.
“I am not wearing those shorts,” you tell her, taking the shirt from her and slipping it on.
“Why not? It’s hot outside, you don’t wanna be sweaty when you get there,” she tries, but you’re not buying it.
“I only wear those around the house,” you argue.
“And you will be around the house! His house,” she says, and you’re starting to realize that you don’t have time for this, but you know that you won’t be able to pick out anything else to wear.
“Fine. I’m only putting them on because I don’t have time,” you say, taking them from her, and she walks out to let you change into them. They’re not that short, but they’re short enough, and seeing that you only have about ten minutes to leave, you can’t waste time debating over what to wear.
You put your shoes on, making sure that you have everything before putting your backpack on. You walk out, tugging on the shorts when you feel like they’re starting to ride up, and you all but glare at your roommate as you walk towards the door.
“Have fun!” she beams, and you squint your eyes at her.
“Mm-hmm,” you mumble. “I’ll be back later tonight.” You both say goodbye, and you close the door, locking it behind you, putting some pep in your step on your way to your car.
You know where his apartment is, so you make your way over there, and you try to repeat your roommate’s words in your head when you feel yourself starting to get nervous. You know there’s no reason for you to be nervous, but you can’t help it. You know that you’re feelings for him are starting to come back, and there’s a part of you that’s trying to fight it, but so far, suppressing things hasn’t been the easiest thing to do.
Your roommate swears that he’s into you, which doesn’t really help your case, but those words alone are enough to make you sweat. You don’t know how you would feel if he felt the same way. You’ve felt something for him for almost all of high school, and if you think about it, those feelings never really left when you got to college.
You text him as soon as you park, and he meets you outside of his apartment. “Sorry, I’m running late,” you tell him when you get to him.
“Don’t worry about it,” he says, and you follow him into the building and up the stairs to his apartment. You pick at your phone case as you will your heart to stop racing because you know it’s not from taking the stairs.
You follow him inside, and you look around, taking in the room. He mentioned having a roommate, but he said he wouldn’t be here while you guys were working. You take your shoes off once you get in, and you see that he already has everything set up on the dining table. It almost has the same layout as your apartment except it’s much nicer. In the back of your head, you think to mention this place to your friend and see if she’d like it.
“Okay, so I’ve already finished my paper, but I wanted you to read over it just to make sure that ours don’t overlap,” he says when he sits down.
You sit down in the chair next to him, taking your backpack off so that you can get your laptop out. “That sounds good, but I’ll admit I haven’t written most of it,” you admit shyly, and he waves you off.
“That’s okay. It shouldn’t take you that long anyway,” he reassures, and you pull up the half-written document. You read over his, and you’re relieved that he ended up talking about something completely different from yours. You tell him what you want to talk about for your presentation, and he helps you out by pulling up the reading and offering what parts of it you could pull from.
Writing your paper takes about an hour, and then you both work on the PowerPoint slides you have to have with questions to ask the class about the readings. Your stomach grumbles suddenly once you’re finishing up, and that’s when you remember that you forgot to eat while you were panicking about what to wear.
“Sorry,” you laugh, and he laughs under his breath.
“I’m getting hungry too,” he says. “There are places around here that we could eat at if you’re okay with that.”
“Yeah, I’m good with that.” You both put your shoes on, and you follow him out onto the street, and there’s a bunch of places that are within walking distance where you could eat. You don’t care where to eat, so you agree on the first place that he offers. You’ve never been there before, but Ukai reassures you that it’s good. You both talk about anything and everything as you walk to the place, and when you get inside, it’s super packed.
“I guess it is dinner time,” he says as he takes the place in. “We can just take it to-go if that’s okay with you?” he offers, and you nod, in no mood to oppose as you look at how many people are in here. Ukai orders first, and instead of paying, he turns to you. “What do you want?” he asks, and you tell him, but then he’s repeating your order to the person at the register, and you realize what he’s doing.
“Ukai, you don’t have to pay,” you try, but he just shrugs you off. You try to memorize the price as you both move to the side while you wait for your food. “I’ll pay you back.”
“Seriously, y/n. Don’t worry about it,” he tells you again, but you don’t look very convinced. “How about you pay me back by helping me with my stats homework?”
“That doesn’t sound like a fair trade.”
“It does to me. I didn’t do well on the first exam, and I need some serious help,” he explains, and you decide that he’s not going to let you pay him back, so you give up.
“Fine. I’ll help you out then.” The smile he gives you makes your heart flutter, and you don’t get much time to take in how you feel because your food is ready.
You walk back to his apartment, and you silently thank your friend for picking out shorts because even though the sun is starting to go down, the air is still really warm. You aren’t walking that fast, so luckily you’re not a sweating mess when you get back to his apartment.
You push your work aside so that you can eat at the table, and he puts on a show that he’s been watching for a while. You’ve never seen it, and when you tell him, he looks at you like you’ve offended him terribly. He starts the show over for you, and it seems like a pretty good show, and you make a note of the name so you can continue to watch it.
You finish eating in the middle of the first season, and you both move to the couch so you can finish it. Ukai tells you that he’ll start on the work once it’s over, and you wonder if he actually means that. Your focus on the show starts to waver when you notice how close he’s sitting to you. He’s wearing shorts, so when his leg brushes against yours, it sends goosebumps across your skin. You try to pay attention because you don’t want to miss anything, but it’s even more difficult when he places his arm on the back of the couch behind you.
You don’t think it’s a cliche move because you look at him from the corner of your eye, and he’s completely engrossed in the show even though he’s seen it probably a million times. You realize how tense you are, and you try to relax, but that means you’d be relaxing into him, and you don’t want to make anything awkward.
You decide to rub over your arms since it’ll keep you from touching him. “Are you cold?” he asks, and you turn your head to him quickly.
“No, no. I’m fine,” you say with a shake of your head, and you quickly turn back to the TV, but you can see him looking over you, so you put your hands on your lap. He finally follows your gaze, and you release a breath you didn’t know you were holding.
The last episode of the season plays, and Ukai groans loudly. “Guess I have to do my homework now,” he says to your surprise. You guess he was serious about actually doing his work.
“Can I use your bathroom?” you ask, standing up and feeling relieved that you’re not sitting directly next to him anymore.
“Yeah, my room’s right there,” he says, pointing at the right door. He’s been fighting it since you got here, but he watches you walk away, and his eyes slide up your legs. He can see some of your ass peeking out from your shorts before you pull them down, and he sighs softly to himself as he diverts his eyes.
He turns his head quickly before he stands and turns the TV off. He sits down at the table while he gets his stuff out, and he hears you come back into the room. You sit down next to him, and he shows you one of the problems that he’s struggling with. You move your seat closer to his so that you don’t have to lean over, and he immediately thinks about how good you smell.
He noticed when he was sitting next to you, and that’s when he also noticed that he had put his arm behind you. He didn’t move his arm because he didn’t want it to be awkward, but he had to strongly fight the urge to pull you into him. He felt his hair stand up on end whenever he accidentally brushed against you, and the entire time he thought about if he should say something to you.
“Keishin.” His eyes snap to yours, realizing that he was just staring at his notebook. “Are you okay?” you ask softly.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, I just got lost in thought,” he says, giving a smile so that he doesn’t have to explain that he was daydreaming about you.
“Don’t worry about the exam. I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
“Of course, I will. I have you to help me,” he says, thankful that you think he’s stressed about the exam. His smile widens when yours does, and he feels so much right now that he almost opens his mouth, but then you’re turning your attention back to the work. So, he clears his thoughts and decides to focus on his work too.
He’s relieved when he realizes that he’s not doing as bad as he thought, he was just having some trouble remembering when to do what. You have him go over it multiple times, and it helps, and when you think he’s ready, you have him try some practice problems.
He’s definitely nervous to try them out, but your reassurance is what gets him to try them. You busy yourself with some other classwork, and he’s grateful because he doesn’t know what he’d be able to do if you were watching him. He makes sure to check over his work, even putting his work through the calculator more than once to make sure that he’s getting the same answer as before.
He lets you know that he’s finished, and his professor added the answers to the questions, so you look over his work and the answers. He fiddles with his pencil in nervousness and anticipation as he watches you check. It feels like it takes forever and it almost kills him, but then you finally look up at him.
“You did really well! There’s a couple that you messed up on, but other than that, I’d say that you’d got this stuff down.” He takes a breath of relief, running his hand down his chest as he leans back in his seat.
“Thank God,” he breathes.
“You just have to trust yourself. You know what you’re doing, just don’t get nervous,” you tell him. “I know when I do that, I end up freaking myself out so much that I start to forget things.”
“Thank you so much. I owe you one.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s definitely not something I understood at first, so I’m happy to help.” At your words, for some reason, he feels like you might be about to leave, and he selfishly doesn’t want that to happen.
“Do you mind checking over my work again? I wanna go through some more just in case,” he tries, and he tightens his grip on his pencil, hoping you say yes.
“Of course. While you’re working, I’m getting work done too, so it’s a win-win,” you answer, and he’s never felt more elated. He nods, getting to work on more problems, and you switch your attention back to the work you were doing.
You get up to go to the bathroom again, and you stretch when you do, and Ukai’s eyes catch on your shorts again. He diverts his eyes as soon as you walk out of his line of sight, and he shakes his head. Focus. He sighs, getting back on track, and finishes the problem with ease. He gets to the next one though, and he’s stuck.
He tries to do it himself, but when he feels like he’s not doing something right, he stops so that he doesn’t get too far ahead of himself. Luckily, you come back when he stops, so he asks you right before you sit back down.
“I just wanna make sure I’m starting this right,” he says, and you put your hand on the back of his chair before you lean down to see what he’s doing. You lean down a little bit more to look at his work, and he holds the urge to flinch when your shirt brushes against his ear. He takes a deep breath in, your scent filling his nose, and he desperately wants to know what it is.
He thinks it might be like shea butter or something but before he can get a chance to investigate further, you break him out of his thoughts. “Yeah, you’re fine. Looks good to me,” you say, and he makes the mistake of turning to look up at you.
He was going to say something, but the words die in his throat when he looks at your face. He gets lost in your eyes and the curve of your lips, and he can’t look away. He looks back at your eyes, and to his surprise, you’re looking at his lips too. He has half a mind to just say fuck it and lean in, but then he feels you rub at his back.
“Have more confidence in yourself, Keishin,” you say, smiling at him before you move to sit back down. He’s glad that there doesn’t seem to be any awkward air between the two of you, and he realizes that his heart is racing when he looks back at his work. It feels like the motion of your hand rubbing his back is burned into his skin, and he would give anything to feel it again.
Ukai yawns as he finishes the last of the problems, and he passes the notebook to you. He rubs over his eyes as you look over them, and it doesn’t take you long to look through them. “You did great. You got all of them right,” you say with a yawn.
“I guess we better call it a night,” he says around a laugh that you copy, but then he looks at the time. “Shit, I didn’t mean to keep you here so late.”
You blink sleepily as you yawn again, looking at the time. “Oh, God. I didn’t even know I was here for that long,” you hum.
He once again doesn’t want you to leave. “You can sleep here for the night if you want, I’ll sleep on the couch,” he offers, and at the same time, you look like you could fall asleep any minute now.
“I couldn’t take your bed,” you try, but you end up yawning again.
“Seriously. It’s the least I could for keeping you here so long.” He’s really tired himself. He woke early this morning to make sure that his apartment was spotless. He’s never done so much cleaning, but he won’t tell you that.
Surprisingly, you don’t put up much of a fight, but he can’t really blame you. “Alright,” you say. “Do you have an extra toothbrush?”
“Yeah, of course. Just let me use the bathroom first,” he answers, and you give him a nod, turning to your work to finish it up. He mildly panics when he gets to his room because he didn’t think about changing his sheets. He quickly uses the bathroom, brushing his teeth after, and tries his hardest to change his sheets as fast as he can.
He’s nearly sweating by the end of it, but he can proudly say that he set a record for himself. He kicks the dirty sheets into his closet before grabbing the toothbrush and setting it on the bathroom counter. If you noticed that he was gone for so long, you don’t question it, which he’s grateful for even though he prepared a lie just in case.
“My room’s all yours,” he jokes, and you can’t help but laugh before you stand. You yawn again as you stretch, and Ukai finally fights the urge to look over your body again.
“Are you sure it’s okay if I sleep in your room? I can sleep on the couch, I don’t mind.”
“Yes, it’s fine. You look more tired than me right now. I’ll be fine,” he says, and you give him a sleepy smile that only strengthens his words.
“Well, thanks. Goodnight, Keishin.”
“Goodnight,” he echoes, and there’s a part of him that’s ecstatic that he gets to say it to you in person, and he ignores the pang in his chest that he can’t be laying next to you as he says it. You walk to his room, and he watches until you softly close the door. He already grabbed a pillow from his bed before he walked out, so he throws that onto the couch.
He has a blanket on the couch, so he lays down, throwing it over himself and he tries to get comfortable. This couch isn’t the most comfortable, and he’s fallen asleep on it before, but there was no way he was going to ask you if you wanted to share a bed with him. He finds himself thinking about what would’ve happened if you had said yes.
His thoughts start to derail right after that, and he groans before deciding to turn on the TV. It’s the only way he’ll be able to keep his thoughts at bay. He turns the volume down, and he puts on a show that he can fall asleep to. Of course, it only works for so long. He hasn’t heard you say his first name at all. Today was the first time, and he can’t help but smile widely at the thought.
He always wanted to say something to you in high school, but you never gave him the time of day. Now that he thinks about it, he doesn’t blame you at all. His friends weren’t kind to you at all, and he doesn’t even think he would call them friends. His real friends were in different classes with him, and he really only hung with them after school or on the weekends.
There were times that he told them to stop messing with you, and they took it as him having a crush on you, which was very much true, but he didn’t want that getting out, so he kept his mouth shut. Seeing you again and spending so much time with you has made him realize how stupid he was. He was more worried about himself than you, someone that he really liked, and he hates himself every time he thinks about it.
He hopes one day he’ll get the courage to tell you everything. Right now, he’s more than content with having what he has with you, and he doesn’t want to say anything to ruin that. He definitely wants to come clean about high school, there’s no doubt about it. But there is doubt if you’ll even talk to him after he reveals everything.
He plays back your first interaction in his head every night before he goes to sleep. At first, it kept him up at night. You had every right to act as you did towards him, and he tried to play it cool while he was with you, but after you left, he felt like total shit. He put his number in your phone to see how you would react, and he was more than relieved when you kept talking to him.
As he starts to fall asleep, he thinks about what he’s going to say to you. He hopes that when he finally gets the confidence and the chance, he won’t mess it up. He tries to rehearse it in his head, but he falls asleep as soon as he starts.
He doesn’t know how long he’s been asleep, but as he starts to wake up, he hears a familiar voice. “Dude, why are you sleeping on the couch? Get in your bed.” He recognizes that it’s his roommate, but that’s about all he can register. He was a lot more tired than he thought.
He groggily makes his way to his room, and even in the dark, he can easily locate his bed, like it’s calling to him. He sheds his shirt and nearly sighs in comfort at the relief he feels when his body hits the bedsheets. He notices that he can’t stretch out like he wants to, but he’s starting to fall asleep, so he doesn’t worry about it that much. His bed also isn’t cold like it should be, but he gladly accepts the warmth, wrapping his arm around the pillow, and it takes no time for him to fall back asleep.
Ukai notices that the sun is peeking through the blinds as he starts to wake up. He takes a deep breath in, and he swears his nostrils fill with your scent, but this time he’s getting something different. Mango, maybe? He leans further into it, taking another deep breath, and whatever the source may be is soft against his face. He could stay here forever.
He tightens his arm around his pillow, settling in again as the smell starts to put him back to sleep. But he frowns when he faintly notices that his pillow is moving. He slowly opens his eyes, and his heart drops when he realizes that it hasn’t been a pillow all along. His eyes widen when he sees you laying in his arm, and his heart begins to race.
You’re looking right at him, but there’s nothing that can come out of his mouth. You’re just waking up too, and you blink a bit, but there’s no hint of surprise on your face. “Keishin?” you whisper, and he never thought his name could sound so good coming from you.
“Y-Yeah,” he mumbles, and he can feel his face warm at his stuttering, but he gives himself a break because he’s just waking up. You roll over so that your back is fully against the bed, and you rub over your eyes.
“What time is it?”
“It’s only nine-thirty,” he says after he looks at his clock, and you groan softly.
“God, that is too early for a weekend.” He smiles at your sleepy state, and he can’t take his eyes off of you. You raise your arm over your head to stretch, and he notices that your shirt rises, and he can’t help but let his eyes trail down your body. His breath catches in his throat when he sees how high your shorts have ridden up, and there’s only one thing on his mind.
His eyes cut towards you when you call his name again, and he’ll blame his tired brain later, but he leans down closer to you. “Am I dreaming?” he questions, and his hand is itching to touch you, so he carefully puts his hand on your face.
“I don’t think so,” you whisper, and he can barely hear it over the blood pumping in his ears. He glances down at your lips when you lick over them, and there’s no way he’s going to be able to stop himself now.
“Good.” When you don’t make any move to pull away, he takes the opportunity to press his lips to yours. He sighs at how soft your lips are, and he only gets more eager when you kiss him back. You said he wasn’t dreaming, but this sure feels like he is. He pulls away only for a second, missing the feeling of your lips almost the instant he does.
He goes in for another, and you let your arm loosely loop around his neck as you meet him halfway. He groans when you deepen the kiss as you roll over onto your side, and he grabs your leg, putting it over his body. He’s borderline frantic to feel every part of you, and he lets his hand run up your leg, his fingers just barely getting under your shorts.
You move in closer to him, so he allows himself to let his hands drift up further, and your shorts have moved up so high, that they barely get in the way of him feeling even more of your ass. You moan when he pulls back with your lip in between his teeth, and he’s never felt so hot. He stops for a second to look at you, and your heavy breathing is the only thing that can be heard in the room.
Your lips are swollen from his kisses, and your pupils are blown wide as you look up at him, and he thought there was no way you could get any prettier, but right now, you’re proving him wrong again. “Fuck,” he breathes before he leans back in, rolling the both of you over while keeping your leg in his hand.
Your hands rub all over his chest, and you run your hands up his back, and he shudders at the motions, goosebumps rising all over as blood rushes straight to his dick. Your arms find their place around his neck, and he abandons his hold on your leg in favor of letting his weight press into you.
He pulls away to quickly pull your shirt off, and you easily let your upper half lift off the bed so he can do so. His movements slow when his eyes land on your chest, your boobs are basically falling out of the bralette you’re wearing, and his brain short circuits. He can’t think about anything else, and he swallows heavily when you pull the straps down, fully exposing yourself to him.
He lets your shirt fall next to you, and like he’s in a trance, his hands reach up to squeeze at the underside of the fat, and he wants to pinch himself. There’s no way he’s really doing this with you, but he’ll worry about this being a dream later. He kisses you again, feeling like that’s the only way he can regulate his breathing right now as he continues to fondle your tits.
He kisses down your neck, feeling like he might go crazy as he kisses over your chest before he slips one of your nipples in his mouth. He moans when you do, his name slipping from your lips as your hands slip into his hair. He ruts against you, and he’s definitely drooling as he sucks at your chest, but he doesn’t even care.
You pull him back to your face, and he kisses you sloppily, your legs wrapping around his torso when he grinds even harder against you. “K-Kei,” you keen, and he rests his forehead against yours, his pleasure becoming too much for him to continue to kiss you. You arch into him, and he swears when your chest pushes into his. He’s definitely close to cumming, feeling his pleasure start to mount in his spine, and he digs into his teeth into whatever part of your skin he can reach to try and hold himself back as he pulls at your shorts.
Right as he does though, his burst open, scaring the both of you. Ukai quickly falls on his side to hide you, and he looks over his shoulder to see his roommate standing in the doorway. “What?!” he barks, and the guy holds his hands up.
“Sorry, dude,” he laughs before quickly walking back out, slamming the door when he leaves. Ukai doesn’t even want to look at you, the air now becoming awkward in the silence. He slowly turns his head towards you, and when he makes eye contact, you can’t help but laugh. He internally sighs in relief as he laughs with you, and yours dies down when your phone starts ringing.
He hands it to you, and you give him a small smile as you answer it. He doesn’t listen to the conversation because he’s too busy looking at you. His eyes stay on your lips while you talk before they trail down to your chest, and he can see the marks he left on you which causes him to twitch in his shorts.
“Sorry, I totally forgot. I’m leaving right now.” That makes him look up at you, and you hang up the phone, taking a while to meet his eyes. “I forgot I had plans with my roommate today. That was her,” you tell him, and he pushes down the disappointment that he feels, and he thinks that he hears it in your voice; at least he hopes so.
“No, that’s okay. I should probably see what my friend wanted,” he responds, and you quietly grab your clothes and put them back on. He moves over so that you can get out of bed to get to the bathroom, and he releases a heavy breath through his mouth when the door closes.
He runs a hand through his hair as he tries to think about what in the fuck got into him, and he wills his hard-on to go away. He gets off his bed, sliding his shirt on right as you open the door, and he goes in after you. He doesn’t even try to look at himself in the mirror while he brushes his teeth, and when he walks back out, you’re standing by his bed, looking at your phone.
You look up at him when he walks into the room, and he pulls his shirt down to cover himself. “Sorry, I have to leave so suddenly,” you say, and he waves you off.
“It’s okay. We got a lot of work done yesterday, so it’s all good.” You give him a little nod, and he quickly decides to walk towards the door so things don’t get awkward. You follow him out of his room, and his roommate is sitting on the couch when you walk out. He looks over his shoulder just as your grabbing your backpack.
“Sorry for interrupting earlier,” he laughs. “I’m Takinoue.”
Ukai glares at him as you feel your face warm. “Nice to meet you. I’m y/n,” you say softly, and Ukai’s eyes widen when Takinoue’s does.
“Wait, you’re y/n? The girl that–”
“She really has to go, so end of the introduction,” Keishin rushes out, and he pushes you towards the door. While you’re slipping your shoes on, Ukai smacks his friend on the back of the head, but before he can turn around, he’s already slipping his shoes on and walking with you out the door.
Neither of you speaks as he walks you to your car, and he doesn’t know what to say when you finally get there. “Uh, thanks again for the help last night. I really appreciate it,” he eventually says.
“You’re welcome. Just let me know if you need any more help,” you tell him, and that reassures him a bit that maybe you didn’t hate what you both did earlier. But now, he doesn’t whether to wave, hug you, or kiss you. He definitely wants to do the last one; his hands are itching to touch you again, but he doesn’t know if you’d be okay with that.
You break him out of his thoughts when you take a step closer to him and kiss his cheek. His world seems to stop when you do, and you pull away, having a hard time holding his gaze. “See you on Monday, Keishin.”
He’s too dazed to respond, barely remembering you getting in the car, and the next thing he knows, you’re driving away. He doesn’t jump out of it until your car is long out of his sight, and when he finally does, he smiles widely against his will. He softly touches his cheek, and he doesn’t lose the smile on his face as he walks back to his apartment.
But it drops the moment he opens the door and sees his friend’s smug smile. “You weren’t gonna tell me that you’re sleeping with the girl that you’ve been pining over since high school?” he questions, and you Ukai shakes his head as he rolls his eyes.
“We’re not sleeping together, okay? We were just working on a project last night.”
“For what class? Anatomy?” he jokes, and it actually makes him laugh.
“Ha! Good one,” he muses. “But we finished really late, so I let her take the bed. That’s why I was on the couch.” He rubs his hand down his face as he sighs, but it doesn’t take long for him to smile again.
“Well, it looks like you should’ve just taken the bed anyway. You look like a lovesick puppy.”
“Fuck you,” he retorts with no heat behind it, but it’s not like he can deny it. He’s still not sure if he’s dreaming or not, and in the back of his head, he’s waiting for himself to wake up.
“So, what happens now? Are you actually gonna confess to her? You’ve only been waiting for this moment for like, five years.” He hates how he still can’t answer that question. With the way everything is going, he’s thinking that it’ll be better to not tell you the truth, but on the other hand, he wants to come clean to you and tell you everything. And Takinoue’s right, he’s been waiting for a miracle, and it’s finally here.
He thought he would jump at the opportunity, but with the first interaction he had with you, he held back. “I don’t know,” he eventually says.
“Don’t stress it too much, man. As far as I’m concerned, it looks like she feels the same way,” he says, with a hard clap on his back that makes him stumble forward a bit, and it definitely feels intentional. At least now he knows he’s not dreaming. “And that also explains why the apartment was spotless when I got home. Now where’d you put my shit?” he asks, and Ukai lets himself drop his dilemma for now.
~
When you get home, you close the door behind you and let your back fall against the door. Even if what happened with Ukai was long ago, your heart is still racing just thinking about it. You don’t know what came over either of you, but there’s not a single bone in your body that hated it. You rub your fingers over your lips as your mind starts to replay the events in your head.
You jump when your roommate opens her door, and you quickly stand up. “What happened? Are you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine,” you say. “It was really late, so I just slept over at his place since I was so tired.” You try to school your expression so that she doesn’t pick up on anything, and you hope the look on your face is convincing enough.
“So, did anything happen?”
“Ah, no. We just worked on our presentation, it was pretty uneventful,” you say, and to be honest, you’re a little bit embarrassed to admit to her what happened. Maybe it’s because you’re still reeling from it. “Just let me hope in the shower, and I’ll be ready to go.”
Surprisingly, she lets you walk past her without saying anything else, and when you get to your room after closing the door, the events of this morning start to hit you. You go from sitting in shock to flailing in one spot just to get it out of you. You take a deep breath, composing yourself before you get in the shower.
Your shower takes a little longer than you anticipated because your thoughts keep running from you in all the wrong ways. You throw some cold water on your face when you get out, telling yourself to get it together. You get dressed, and your friend is waiting at the dining table for you when you walk out.
She looks up from her from, and her words die in her throat when she looks at you. You frown when her smile disappears, and she points an accusing finger at you. “You bitch! You lied to me!” she yells, and you’re still very much confused until you look down at your chest where she’s pointing. Your eyes widen and you feel your face warm when you see hickeys all over your chest.
You don’t know how you didn’t notice until now, but thanks to the low-cut shirt you’re wearing, you almost showed everyone what you were up to this morning. “Um…” you say weakly, covering your chest with your hands. “I’ll go change and we can get out of here,” you try, but you don’t even get to take a step back before she speaks.
“Absolutely not, missy. You sit your ass right here and tell me everything.” You sigh, knowing that she’s going to get it out of you sooner or later, and you sit down across from her. She looks so invested, resting her hands on her face as she leans forward. “So, did you guys sleep together?”
“No,” you start with a shake of your head before you shrug. “Well, kinda. It was really late, and I was tired, so he said I could sleep in his bed. When I woke up, he was there, and…stuff happened.”
“What happened?! Tell me everything!” she presses, and your face gets even hotter just thinking about it.
“We just made out,” you eventually say. “His roommate walked in, so it didn’t go much further than that.” Honestly, you don’t know what you would’ve done if his roommate hadn’t interrupted. You probably would’ve done anything with him at that moment.
“So, how was it?” she presses.
“It was really good,” you gush, a laugh rushing out of your chest. “It was the hottest thing I’ve ever done,” you add, feeling how hot your face is when you put your hands on it.
“I bet,” your roommate laughs. “I can see that you’re flustered from here.” You can’t help but laugh again, putting your hands over your face and sighing. “So, what’s your relationship now?”
“I don’t know. We really didn’t talk about it. Like I said, it was just a kinda spur-of-the-moment thing.”
“Well, I’m getting that it means you’re admitting your feelings for him,” she responds, and move your hands to look at her.
“I’m scared too,” you answer honestly. “I don’t wanna say that, and then he pulls a complete one-eighty on me.”
“That’s understandable, but truthfully, I don’t think he’s the same guy he was in high school. From what you’ve been telling me, it doesn’t sound like he’s going to do that to you.” You let her words bounce around in your head, both of you going silent as you think.
“Maybe,” you say after a while.
“Have some faith, girl. I bet he likes you a lot more than you like him.” Her words make you smile, and then she stands up. “Alright, we need to get a move-on if we want to make it to this thrifting event on time.”
“You were the one who wanted me to tell you about what happened,” you say after you scoff.
“Well, it was only natural. You tell me it was uneventful, but you have hickeys on your chest? I’d be crazy not to ask,” she counters, and she has a point because you would do the same thing if the tables were turned.
You go back into your room to change your shirt, and then you’re walking out the door with your roommate, putting your situation with Ukai to the side for a while.
Monday rolls around faster than you’d like, and you spend all morning thinking about how the conversation with Ukai will go. You’re not dreading it, you’re just more worried about if your conversation will be awkward or not. You get to class pretty early since you woke up early, and you listen to your music as you wait for Ukai to get here.
You pull up the paper that you have to present while you wait, and you read over it just in case. There’s no point in making any changes since you had to submit it to your professor before class, but you still want to go over it anyway. You freeze for a split second when you see Ukai sit down next to you in your peripheral, and you slide your headphone off your head, but you don’t look his way.
“Morning,” you hear him say, and you turn to him, having a hard time keeping your smile small.
“M-Morning.” You pick at the corner of your laptop as you internally roll your eyes at how nervous you are.
“Listen,” he starts, leaning towards you and lowering his voice. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable yesterday–”
“No, it’s okay,” you say, cutting him off. “It was–I, um…I liked it,” you whisper, and there’s no way you can look him in the eyes after saying that. Both of you jump when the professor announces for you to start your presentation.
Thankfully, it goes off without a hitch, the only thing is, you started to notice about halfway through your paper that someone’s glaring at you. You couldn’t figure out who it was while you were reading, but when you start to ask the class questions, you realize it was the girl that tried to talk to Ukai a while ago.
You try not to let it affect you, but you have no idea why she’s staring you down. You don’t know if Ukai notices her too, but before you know it, it’s all over. You sigh quietly in relief when the professor says that class is over, and you both pack up your stuff. You notice that Ukai is walking way closer to you when you walk out of class, and you feel sparks go up your arm every time his hand brushes against yours.
“I’d say we did pretty good,” he says while you both walk.
“Yeah. She seemed really happy with our questions. I have you to thank for that, though. You did most of the work,” you respond.
“I’d say it was pretty even,” he jokes, and you can’t help but laugh. “Our usual spot?” he asks, and you nod even though the both of you are already walking that way.
The area you usually sit in is pretty empty when you get there, and you and Ukai both sit where you usually do. You sit next to him, but there’s no way you can get any work done. Even though it’s quiet, the air between you is stiflingly filled with attraction.
Since you’re not going to get any work done, you carefully lay your head on his shoulder, and you bite your lip to hide your smile when he wraps his arm around you. “You gonna nap?” he asks, you nod as you press further into him.
“Yeah, I’m gonna try.” You turn your face to press it into his shoulder, and you close your eyes as you breathe him in. He smells so good, and it’s nearly too late when you start to realize that you’re getting warm all over. You will yourself to calm down, but there’s no way you’re going to be able to go to sleep, so you keep your eyes open, focusing on what work he’s doing every now and then.
When you feel yourself starting to go to sleep, it’s too late because you feel him shaking you gently to let you know that you have to get to class. He gets up after you do, and you wait for him to put his stuff in his backpack before you leave. When he stands, he’s nearly in your space, but you make no move to step back. You actually want to step closer to him, but you have to remind yourself that you’re not alone.
You look around, and you see that you are, but there’s no way you’d be bold enough to do anything in public anyway. You both look at each other for a second before you move to kiss him on the cheek again. It’s the only thing you bring yourself to do right now. “I’ll see you later,” you whisper when you step back, but you don’t even get a chance to turn around.
He grabs your wrist softly, pulling you into him with his hand on the back of your neck. His lips meet yours for a hungry kiss, and you can’t help but melt into him, and suddenly you’re forgetting about being in public. You’re dazed when you pull away, your breathing ragged as you let your fingers softly touch your lips.
You look around again, and when the coast is clear, you move towards him again, and he holds you closer to him as he deepens the kiss. Fuck, he’s such a good kisser. Every single one makes you feel like you’re floating, but he pulls away the moment you moan. “You should go,” he breathes, his hands resting on your hips. “Cause if you don’t, I won’t be able to let you go.”
You give him a shaky nod, and it seems like it takes forever for you to step back from him, and you nearly don’t, deciding that class isn’t so important anymore. But you really should go. His hands slip from your hips when you move, and it takes everything in you to walk away from him. You give him a small wave, hightailing out of there before you can change your mind.
Turns out, you should’ve just stayed with him because you reply the kiss over and over in your head the whole class period.
~
“Hey, are you doing anything Friday?” your friend asks, and you look up from your homework.
“No, I don’t think so. Why?”
“Cause my team’s having a mixer, and I can bring a plus-one, and you need to get out. You’ve been studying all week,” she says, and you roll your eyes.
“I don’t know. I don’t really know any of your teammates,” you tell her, and she waves you off.
“Just bring your boyfriend. It’ll be fun.”
“He’s not my boyfriend!” you yell, but she’s already walking to her room.
She has a point though. You’ve been nothing but working all week, and the only time you’ve seen Keishin is during class, which always leads to a heated kiss that has you wanting more. Even when you look back down at your work, you don’t want to think about it anymore, so you decide to take the offer.
You text Ukai about it, and he instantly agrees. You start to feel nervous just thinking about it, especially since you don’t attend things like this very often. You’ve been to a few due to your friend’s outgoing nature, but sometimes you just like to be at home watching your favorite show. But, maybe it won’t be so bad since Ukai will be with you.
When Friday rolls around, you’re waiting on your friend to finish getting ready, so you’re sitting on the couch. You offered to drive since you won’t be drinking that much anyway, and you stand when you hear her heels clicking on the floor behind you. “Why are you wearing that?” she asks, and you look down at your outfit.
“What’s wrong with it? I thought you’d like that I’m wearing a dress,” you muse, even though you’re going to be tugging on it all night. It hugs your body way more than you’d like, but you bought it on a whim and you’ve barely worn it.
“I’m talking about the jacket.”
“What’s wrong with the jacket? It’s gonna get cold tonight,” you tell her, genuinely not understanding what she’s getting at.
She rolls her eyes before she plants her hands on her hips. “You can’t show up with a jacket. Now, he can’t give you one.” You instantly understand what she means, and you can’t help but scoff.
“Are you seriously telling me to ditch the jacket just so Ukai will give me his?”
“Uh, duh. Why else would I be telling you this?” You don’t have much of a choice because she pulls it off of you, throwing it on the couch. You don’t have time to protest because even in heels, she’s moving out of the door quickly.
You must be here early because parking isn’t absolute shit yet, and you can feel your nerves start to hit you as you walk up to the house. When you get inside, you quickly realize that this is nowhere near a mixer; it’s a full blown party. Your friend guides you to the kitchen, handing you a drink once she gets there, and her friends find her almost instantly.
They talk to you for a while, and you check your phone to see that Ukai just texted you. Your friend waits for him to get there before she leaves with her friends, and you both find a corner to occupy as the music pounds in your head. “This isn’t really your thing, is it?” He has to lean down to ask you, and you shake your head as you move your hand side-to-side.
“Not really, but my friend thought I should get out since I’ve been studying all week.”
“She sounds like a good friend,” he yells back, and that makes you laugh.
“When she wants to be, yeah.” The room’s starting to fill up, so you grab his hand to find somewhere else to go. You decide to just step outside since they’re playing music that you don’t really listen to. “Did you drive here?” you ask, finally relieved that you can hear yourself think.
“Yeah. I have a friend that’s on the team, so I’m the designated driver tonight.”
“So am I,” you say, taking a sip of the seltzer, and you offer it to him. He takes a swig before he puts the drink down on the half-brick wall that you’re sitting on.
“Are you not cold?” he asks, gesturing to your body, and you nod your head quickly.
“Oh, I definitely am. My friend told me to ditch the jacket though.” He gives you a questioning look, and you chuckle a bit before you explain. “She said if I ditch the jacket, you would give me yours,” you explain. “You don’t have to though,” you add, but he’s already sliding it off, and your eyes land on his arms which look like they might rip the sleeves of his shirt.
He puts it on you, and it’s so warm that you can’t help but curl into the warmth. You stick your arms in the sleeves, and he moves closer to you. You stand so that you can make your way in between his legs, and his hands land on your hips.
“You look good tonight,” he comments, and you hum as you put your hands on his shoulders.
“Yeah?”
He nods. “Especially in my jacket,” he adds, wrapping his arms around you to pull you closer to him.
“And what are you gonna do about it?” you question, and he grabs both sides of his jacket in one hand to pull you down to him.
“I’ll show you,” he whispers against your lips before he kisses you firmly, and you gladly let your weight fall on him. He easily catches you as you move your arms to hang over his shoulders. He keeps one of his arms wrapped around you while the other falls so that he can trail his hand up your leg. You know the goosebumps that rise on your skin aren’t from the cold because your body starting to heat up and he’s barely started kissing you.
His fingers start to reach under the hem of your dress, and it feels so teasing to you that it makes you leak onto your panties. You’re glad you’re in the backyard because you would be embarrassed otherwise at how easily he’s pulling all kinds of sounds from you. He sucks on your tongue, and you’re pretty sure you would let him do anything to you right now.
He groans when you pull at his hair, and his fingers dig into the fat of your ass as his fingers start to inch further up your dress. You jump away from him quickly when someone yells your name, and you look up to see a girl walking up to you. You recognize her as one of your friend’s teammates, and she carefully steps outside, but Ukai doesn’t let you go.
That’s also when you realize that people could see you from inside since the curtains to the backdoor are wide open, but you don’t have time to think about that because she starts talking to you. “We’re playing seven minutes in heaven. You have to play!”
“O-Oh, I don’t know about that–” She cuts you off with a rough yank of your hand that nearly tips you over, and you grab Ukai’s hand also since there’s no way you’re stopping her. She pulls you upstairs, and you all walk into a room that’s filled with people but not as many downstairs. There’s music playing in here, and when she closes the door, the music blasting downstairs is severely muffled.
She pulls you into the circle, and you quickly fix your dress when you sit down to make sure you don’t flash anybody. “God, it’s like she didn’t stop,” you breathe, turning to Ukai when he sits down next to you.
“Yeah, that’s for sure.”
“I’m sure we can just sneak out of here in like, five minutes,” you say, but it’s too late because someone stands up and starts talking. You look around the room, and you start to feel uneasy when you see the same guy that Ukai nearly beat up. He barely spares either of you a glance, and you definitely feel uneasy when you see the girl that shares the same class with the both of you.
She makes eye contact with you, and she gives you a smile that’s all too friendly. There’s no way you can leave now because there’s no point in explaining the rules since everyone knows how to play. You and Ukai are definitely the only sober ones in the room, and you feel anxious as the girl from your class picks you to spin the bottle first.
You do it just to do it so you can get out of here faster because you’d rather be anywhere with Ukai but here. You chew on your lip nervously as the conversation gets quiet while people wait to see who’s going in the closet with you. You nearly slump in relief when it lands on Ukai, and when you look at him, he has a look in his eyes that gets both of your heartbeats racing.
He gets up before you do, pulling you to the closet faster than you can even process what’s going on. When he closes the door, you try to find a light to turn on, but he’s pushing you against the nearest wall before you can. As he pushes you, you feel something cold run across your forehead, and you assume it’s the string to the light, so you try to pull it while he kisses you frantically.
You manage to turn it on, but the moment it happens, you soon forget about it when his lips find your neck. He pulls the jacket off of you, letting it fall to the floor as his hands rub at your thighs. “Keishin,” you whisper, trying to keep your voice down since you don’t know how soundproof the door is.
“I’m so glad it landed on me. I don’t know if I would be able to handle you coming in here with someone else,” he breathes against your skin, and you’re glad it landed on him too, but there’s no way you’re able to tell him that when he pushes your dress up so that it’s bunched at your waist.
He hikes your leg up so that it’s on his waist, and his other hand runs under the side of your panties. You jump when he finally touches you down there, and you hide your face in his hair to try and muffle your moans. He uses his other hand to pull your dress further up your body so until your tits fall out. The straps of the dress were designed where wearing a bra would’ve looked weird, and you don’t regret not wearing one at all right now.
You can’t even begin to try and get a word in when he starts to suck at your tits at the same time he pulls your underwear to the side. You ball his shirt in your fist when he rubs at your clit, and you dig your teeth into the other side of his shirt. You’re glad he has you up against the wall because you definitely would’ve fallen otherwise.
You wanna try and make him feel good too, but he’s got you trapped between him and the wall, and there’s no way you could, so you just let the pleasure overtake you. You feel tears start to form at the corner of your eyes when he slides his fingers into you, and you’re confident the groan he releases is loud enough for everyone outside to hear.
“Oh, God,” you whine. “Oh, God, Kei–” You stand on your toes to the best of your ability when he presses against your walls, and your fingers hurt from how hard you’re gripping his shirt. He finally abandons your chest in favor of watching your face as he fingers you, nudging your head up with his shoulder, and you bite into your lip as your pleasure builds.
“Fuck, baby, you’re so hot,” he moans as he looks at you, and he pulls your lip out from between your teeth.
“T-They’ll hear–me,” you try to whisper.
“I don’t care. Let ‘em hear how good I’m making you feel, baby.” You can’t fight the urge to bite your lip, and you let your head fall back against the wall. You’re definitely starting to get too loud, so he crashes your lips onto his. He swallows every sound you make, pressing up against you even more when he presses on that spot that has you keening into his mouth.
The knock on the door should startle you but it doesn’t. The only thing you care about now is how good you’re feeling. The second round of knocks are harder, and this time you hear a voice, but you don’t know what they’re saying. He kisses you soundly as he slides his fingers out of you, and you don’t hide your disappointment.
He slides his fingers into his mouth, his breathing just as ragged as yours when he pulls them out. “I’m nowhere near done with you,” he whispers, and he fixes your dress right as the door opens. He picks up his jacket off of the floor, and he grabs your hand, making a bee-line for the exit.
He’s suddenly stopped by a familiar face with another familiar face on his arm. “I knew you could do it,” he says, and he hands Ukai some money. You both frown at him, and the girl laughs.
“You won the bet, Ukai,” she says, and you can feel your heart start to race in the wrong way as your hand starts to slip from his. “It only took what? Like two months?”
“You don’t remember the bet we made before school started?” the guy asks, and you start to feel sick, looking over your shoulder to see everyone looking at you. You feel like you might puke as you wretch your hand from him and run out of the room. You hear Ukai call after you but you don’t stop, running down the stairs and pushing past people, ignoring their comments.
You can’t help but let the tears fall when you get outside once the music starts to fade. Your ears are ringing so badly, and your feet are moving you to your car. You let out a sob as you run, and you don’t even hear your name being called behind you. A hand grabs your arm, and you try to shake it off, but it tightens its grip.
“Let me go!” you scream, turning around to see Ukai, and the only thing you see is the guy that let you get bullied in high school. “You’re a piece of shit!”
“Just listen to me,” he tries, but you continue to fight him. “I don’t know what he’s talking about. I didn’t see him until that day!” he says, but you’re not listening.
You stop moving, and he doesn’t let you go. “You’re still that same guy. Nothing fucking changed and I fell for it!” You take the chance to slip out of his grip, and you succeed, making a run for your car. You unlock it, but right as you try to open it, his hand lands on yours.
“Just listen to me, please.”
“No! I don’t want to talk to you.” He turns you around so fast that it almost scares you, and he pushes you against your car door.
“Are you really going to listen to some people that you barely know instead of me?” he questions. Your lip is still wobbling, and you can’t stop the tears that are running down your face.
“It’s not like I have anything else to go off of,” you bite back, and he presses you against the car a little harder when he thinks you might move.
“Yes, you do. And you know it,” he declares. “I have no idea what the fuck they were talking about. I didn’t even know he was going here until I saw him that day. And I haven’t talked to her since that day in class.” You start to calm down, but your heart is still racing a mile a minute. “I really like you, okay?” he starts. “I have since I laid my eyes on you in high school, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell them to stop messing with you. I was more worried about myself.”
His words hang in the air between the two of you, and when you start to relax, he lets you go. “Nothing that I have said or done with you has been a part of some bet. Everything I did was my choice.”
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” you ask, and you hate how your voice trembles.
“You think I threaten to beat him up all for some bet? I’m better than that, and you know it.” He lets his hands fall into your hands, grabbing them soft but his grip is firm. “I would never do something like that to you. I’ve been thinking about telling you the truth ever since I saw you that day, but I thought if I did, you would hate me. I couldn’t live with that, so I stayed quiet.”
You don’t respond, sniffling heavily. “And now I’m realizing that that was the dumbest decision I could’ve ever made. Spending this time with you has been the best moment of my life,” he breathes. “Don’t tell me that you don’t feel the same.”
You can’t even tell yourself that you don’t feel the same. You know from the start that your feelings for him never left, and there was a part of you that just accepted it. But you were so scared to let your guard down, to be vulnerable with him like you are now.
“I really like you. I mean that. And I’m sorry for letting you be hurt all this time.” You let go of his hand so that you can wipe your face.
“It’s not your fault,” you eventually say. “I do feel the same way, but I was scared. Back then and now, I blamed you for the bullying, but it was never your fault.”
“Yes, it was,” he presses, but you stop him.
“No. It wasn’t.” You sniffle again, taking a deep, shaky breath. “I was letting the past dictate my feelings. I shouldnt’ve let their words get to me. But I was scared that you would hurt me if I let you back in.”
“I won’t hurt you again. I promise. I’ll never make you feel like that again.” He lets his head fall on yours as he speaks. “I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you, but I won’t let it happen again.” You pull away, looking in his eyes, and you lean forward to kiss him softly. He lets his hands move to your neck, kissing you back just as softly.
“I believe you,” you whisper when you pull away. “I’m sorry I didn’t before. I really like you, too.” He can’t help but smile, and he kisses you again just because he can.
“Thank you.”
“For what?” you ask, frowning a bit.
“For letting me say what I’ve always wanted to say. I thought I lost my chance forever.” You shake your head, wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing him again.
“No,” you say. “Now you have me forever.”
#keishin ukai#ukai keishin#ukai keishin smut#keishin ukai smut#ukai smut#keishin ukai x black!reader#ukai keishin x black!reader#haikyuu!! smut#haikyuu smut#hq!! smut#hq smut#haikyuu!! x black!reader#haikyuu x black!reader#hq!! x black!reader#hq x black!reader#haikyuu!!#haikyuu#hq!!#hq
123 notes
·
View notes
Text
An intro at last :,) Other stuff under the cut
last updated : 05/09/2024
Hi I’m Crow! You can also call me Ink <3
Pronouns : (He/Xe/Ink/They/Knife/It/Star/Paint/Bite/Fang/she) (THERES MANY MORE BUT THESE ARE MY MAIN LOL)
I’m Xenogender and Trans! (F->M), But I still comfortably identify as a Butch woman <3
I’m Bi-Oriented Aegosexual Aro/Ace
Im from South Dakota
I’m a Proud Furry
I’m Nonhuman! So please do not refer to me as one- I prefer Skeleton terms! I’m just your average paint drinking Skeleton <3
Very Proud Therian (Salt Water Crocodile, Snow leopard, Green tree Python, Lynx, Crow, Fox, German shepherd, and also Fictionkin (Dragon & Griffin) (I am completely aware that I’m human and have no problem with that, so don’t even try that “Your human deal with it” Crap)
My B-Day is August 23rd
Oldest of 8 Siblings
I speak German and English (tad Spanish as well)
favorite animals are Crows
favorite songs atm are : I should have stayed home by Ryan Mack, and Pure as a Lamb by Baby Bugs
Favorite colors Seafoam Green and Navy Blue
I am the Co-Creator of an Original Utmv AU called “Mythologyverse”, The second Creator is my dear friend @nightmare-verse!
stuff I like : Drawing, Birds, Reading, Gaming, Athro animals, Rp, Cosplay, Skateboarding, silliness, Skeletons, doing quads, Ink sans!, Errink!, My Moots and friends!!, My Flock and Pack <3, My Husband, and more stuff I can’t remember to put :,)
If you are rude to Furries, Therians, or Lgbtq+ people then fuck off. And if you harass people over fiction, then get away from me.
some fandoms I’m interested in : WoF, FPE, Horrid Henry, Fe, Wc, Undertale/Utmv, Deltarune, Lackadaisy, Tmnt/Rottmnt, Ramshackle, BBU, Owls of Ga’hoole, HH & HB, Pokemon, MD, Tadac, MW, Bluey, Sarah & Duck, Puffin Rock, Spooky month, Fnaf, LMK, Animaniacs, Etc.
Stuff you’ll find on my blog :
Utmv art
Occasional Oc art
Ship art
Ink sans fanart
Random Stuff + occasional rambling
Other fandom art (Rarely)
Cringe culture is dead and so is my sanity <3
Do NOT repost my art without my permission or I’ll feed you a chainsaw.
I have a separate blog where all I do is reblog my art so it’s seen easier! @theforgottencorvid
I’ll ship and draw what I want if you don’t like it just scroll past it/block the tag. Don’t harass me. (I’ll ship what I want and if u don’t like that ship cool, fiction is fiction sorry if it upsets you. But feel free to scroll past.)
I’m neither pro nor anti, I couldn't care less. I honestly don't care if a creator is Proship, because if I like their stuff then I’ll keep interacting/liking the stuff they make. Fiction is Fiction, if they condone that stuff irl then that’s where I draw the line. Do not go harass ANYONE. over fiction. USE THAT HOT SEXY BLOCK BUTTON ON PEOPLE YOU DONT LIKE GUYS. NEVER DOX.
Inbox is open! Don’t be shy I absolutely love getting asks/requests from people! They make me happy :>
Drawing requests are Open
58 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hi! This was a requested topic from a follower quite a bit ago, but due to some life restrictions I was unable to get to it until now. You may ask 'why are people attracted to me', but I asked what your attractive qualities are in general
(Left → Right / Pile 1 → Pile 4)
Decks Used: Tarot of the Divine, Archetype Oracle, Traditional Manga Tarot, Arcana of Astrology Oracle, believe in your own magic Oracle
Disclaimer | Pinned | Paid Readings
Please don't silently engage! You can support my work the best by either leaving feedback or reblogging
Pile One
Personality: Ace of Swords Rx, II of Wands Rx, Seeker (Shadow)
There’s a bit of fogginess present which makes me think of how people with Piscean energy tend to space out or get caught in their thoughts. It’s not a confused energy, but it’s how your brain is working so much, having an active imagination or very present thought process. The Two of Wands can stand for messy plans but it’s really not that I’m getting chaos or being unprepared, it’s more like an active energy, very excited and bouncy but it’s not loud like a fire sign. Also now that I’m realizing, I already forgot to get your archetype so how fitting. Aaannndd you would not believe it: Seeker in the shadow trait which says, “Inability to commit to a path once found”. It reminds me of Mutable energy overall, if I want to be specific then Gemini, but it’s the idea that there are a lot of neat and interesting things out there and you just don’t want to miss it. Due to this, you have a lot of facets that have been unlocked and you’re a very interesting person to talk to. You can be approached by a lot of people because you take interest in a lot of things. Now promising that you’ll be present, or you won’t be distracted mid conversation? That’s hard to say, but you can hold people’s attention, or have very intriguing ones because they don’t just die out. I like the art on the the Two of Wands because that’s what it feels like quite literally in your mind sometimes. You want to go in both directions at once, like you wish you could split up and then reconvene and share the stories between your ‘two experiences’ afterwards. Really strong Gemini Moon vibes but really it’s still just Mutable overall. Honestly some Aquarian / Air energy overall because there’s a feeling of being a ditz on the surface but you are very complex and intelligence underneath, there’s just some difficulty in taking all your thoughts and making a coherent or cohesive sentence with all of it. Regardless, everything in the world seems fun to you, and sometimes this can lead to a bit of decision paralysis because everything seems so tantalizing, but this tends to draw people in.
Physically: King of Wands Rx, IX of Wands Rx, Temperance Rx, Chiron, Eris
Interesting and Fun! You know how they always talk about how you can spot an Aquarius placement from a mile away? That’s you. There’s a chameleon? Lizard? There’s a reptile sitting on the King’s shoulders, the guy in the Nine of Wands is decked out in feathers, and Temperance is reversed. Whatever you choose to go out in, you wear it loud and proud. There’s a three different ways this is coming out. For the first group; there’s specific jewelery you like to wear or you like tattoos or piercings/jewelry that isn’t subtle. So, according to societal standards: septum piercings, full sleeve or back tattoos, gauge earrings — stuff like that. On the flip side it can also be a cherished necklace or accessory that you’re always seen with regardless of wardrobe, or you happen to dye your hair a lot (or your chosen colors are very striking). For the second group, you make sure you stand out, but in a more subtle way. It’s like everything that’s put together for the outfit is chosen very carefully, but in a muted sense. So you still fit in with the colors of the season, you’re not being brazen, but you make sure you can catch people’s eyes with the way you fit into the outfit or that when the outfit all comes together, it’s a statement or it’s definitely A Look for the gram (the type to dress up decently for a late night snack run). For the third and last group, it could simply just be that you’re a minority in your community. So someone black growing up in a community that’s mainly white, which will make you stand out. From the amount of intense rock songs that started to play as I got to this part, I’m thinking the majority of you will resonate with the first section, or eventually want to shift your style to that. Regardless, you are someone who wants to be known for you, it’s not really about being different, but you don’t like watering yourself down to being accepted by others. Which I think is so interesting because with these messages we have two Conflicting ass asteroids: Chiron and Eris. I believe you have to have some dreamy or bright eyes, or a bright smile. There’s also the feeling that when people see you presenting yourself as authentically as you please, it gives them some comfort that it’s not as embarrassing or as bad as it might be? Like they’ll stick out like a sore thumb and people will mock them for it like they’re cringe or something, but that’s not the case. So you help soothe other people’s worries even if they don’t actively tell you. I’m really getting the eye or smile feeling though. Like when you interact with others it’s really contrasting to the intense nature of your looks. Eris backs it up though that like, you do have an intensity about you at the same time. It’s not intimidating but it’s more like. You are who you are and no one can take that from you. Which is really neat. The girl in Temperance and Chiron really back up the energy felt within the first section though that there’s this somewhat soft and explorative energy to be sought within you. There’s also a chance of having a generational planet within your first house as strangers might sense some familiarity within you even though there...won’t actually be any.
What Do Strangers Find Attractive About You: Lavender — Surround Yourself With Love
Exactly!!! I think it’s quite obvious that you don’t associate with people that make you feel less than. You’re not one to quickly judge others and you give everyone a bit of a chance, but if people don’t extend the same openness and warmth to you then it’s over. Like I said, you’re quite sure of yourself and you don’t waste your time on people who want you to abide by their rules if it means abandoning parts of yourself. Iconic as the kids say.
Also! So many reversed cards, it’s like an active ‘I’m standing out I’m gonna be me’ statement it’s really cute!
Songs: Born For This – The Score, Big Yellow Taxi – Counting Crows, Beautiful Bride – Flyleaf, F**K You – Sleeping With Sirens
Pile Two
Personality: VI of Wands Rx, VIII of Pentacles, Child: Magical
A quiet hard worker. Someone who is okay with blending into the background and let’s their work speak for itself. It’s crazy how in sync all of these cards are because the princess in the Eight of Pentacles is sworn to silence until she is able to finish making the sweaters required or the curse will never be lifted (despite the toll it’s taking), the warrior in the Six of Wands is being rewarded for stepping from under her father’s light and making a name for her own (but it’s reversed), and the magical card talks about being enduring and always seeing the light within the most mundane and even in the worst of times. Being able to see the good end despite what’s happening. You are someone who is very co-operative with others, and I’m getting a strong sense of loyalty. It’s not undying, nor is it foolish, but it’s like...you don’t feel the need to always be the star of the show. Strong Virgo energy, that’s all that’s coming through. Also a very quiet pile as well. It’s a feeling of what you have you always share with others. There is a lack of ego, but it’s not concerning? You are a hard-worker and you always make sure whatever you’re putting your effort towards (relationships, projects, hobbits, etc) turns out polished and full of love, but you don’t need to be praised for it because it’s expected in your eyes. Considering that this is what’s attractive, you are really appreciated by those that know you. They realize that you’re a catch and no one puts in the work like you do. Especially unprompted. I keep glancing back at the princess crying in the Eight of Coins and the only thing is that you raise other people up while you— ah yes the song that’s playing. You support and raise others up but you shy or run away from the same thing, or you shrug it off as if you don’t need it. So people tend to see you as someone very strong and indomitable but you are still human so please be vulnerable so they can send that love right back when you need it. I also kept fighting the urge to go back and Actively work on Pile One, since I usually just go and make final changes once I’m done the entire thing, so please don’t be afraid to take up space or soak up the limelight guys.
Physically: The Devil, X of Swords Rx, Aquarius, Neptune
A lot of things are coming in so some might resonate or it might not. A good lot of you might have chosen this pile because the cards are very excited to talk, but I also think that you guys just don’t get the chance (choose) to vent a lot. So immediately I get the feeling that you might have a visible scar or birthmark. Doesn’t have to be big but it’s a ‘cute little quirk’ or defining feature. There’s something with the back that people or someone really likes regardless of the other messages I’m trying to talk about with this card because I keep coming back to physical traits. Those little angel wing tattoos? That people get on their backs are coming up as well. Anyway, you’re not how you appear is the second main message. Some might look at you like you’re a fallen angel (I always think of a back-stabbed angel with this card for some reason) who could solve all of their problems. Like you’re really innocent, but of course as we know your personality isn’t necessarily like that. It’s a calm muted energy but you’re not just an innocent dating sim NPC. You can come off as tantalizing to some people, or like it’s addicting to be around you (as in you have a fun energy), but I mainly get the feeling that you mirror people. In a way that you match whatever vibe is being thrown at you. Again, you really fall into the background by choice most times, so matching the energy levels would make sense because it’s along the process of making sure others are comfortable. There’s a feeling of containment, especially with expression, but sometimes your authenticity can come through. It could be that you maybe decorate your bag or desk with little objects of your liking so people can pick up on your personality, but I feel like it’s more tiny slip-ups.
What Do Strangers Find Attractive About You: Grey – Endings are Inevitable
You’re a realistic person. You’re the friend who helps ground others but not in a pessimistic sense. It’s more like; yes it’s going to rain, and it’s going to be cloudy for a couple of days, but then the sun comes out and then we get to go for a walk again. People like that you can balance coming off as practical while still being a sweetie and idealistic. This is such strong Sixth house energy it’s kind of crazy. There is a high chance that many people come to you for advice, or see you as somewhat wise—someone who has a lot of resources saved or has a lot of life experience. I will say that maybe this energy is currently happening because young forever started playing as I got this song so I hope you guys treat yourself kindly throughout this process.
Songs: Nesshoku Starmine – Roselia, This Day – Jingle Jangle (The Musical), Calm Me Down – American Authors, Life In Color – OneRepublic, Young Forever – Nicki Minaj
Pile Three
Personality: The Lovers Rx, V of Swords Rx, Midas / Miser
Oh no a goofy pile. Before I explain that, I immediately got independence and knowing when to walk away from disputes or a difficult situation. You use your wit, charm, and knowledge to avoid getting yourself into situations like those of the Five of Swords. The downside of this is that you don’t seem the most open or friendly? To be fair, when people think of ‘friendly’ they think of customer service friendly and chatty. You are quite smooth and flexible—you know how to work a crowd or your ‘audience’ when you need to and then you usually go into hiding right afterward. It’s funny because to strangers it’s like ‘ooo this person is strong and independent they don’t need anyone’ and you know how that draws people in, because they want to be the one person that you bend to. However from your end you’re just quite literally kind of introverted. You don’t really need to always be around people, if you’re around people then cool, if you aren’t then cool. You don’t feel strongly one way or the other, it kind of depends on the day lmao. So you probably have your Sun opposing your ASC, or strong energy in your Tenth that’s blocking out your personal planets or more muted placements that displays how you truly come across. People take delight in speaking to you or hearing your ideas because you’re ingenius and also just really funny? Quite literally if you look at the Midas / Miser card that’s how you come off. In public or when you’re flexing your abilities, you come off as the blonde (?) one. When you’re able to retreat you immediately start acting like the guy at the bottom haha. Also. Slime by Danny Gonzalez immediately started playing when I pulled your cards and if you’re not familiar, it’s a song poking fun at how adult youtubers who make very specific content for children have to navigate their lives offline which...was way too on the nose for this.
Physically: Page of Wands, King of Wands, Lunar Eclipse, First House
Oh you’re lying!!!! I was thinking about this when looking at The Lovers card but I always think of interracial couples because it’s represented by Beauty and the Beast, so with it reversed I was thinking “oh they’re probably conventionally attractive but that doesn’t really matter right now” but apparently it did!!! I guess so because I brought up the ASC up there but whatever!!! With the First House yeah I feel like either a Venusian or Scorpio Rising? I also keep thinking of Sagittarius thanks to these Wands but I’m putting that on pause and saying Jupiter/Venus in first. Venusians are usually the rising signs that people see as conventionally attractive, not because they are, but because of how they carry themselves and interact with others, there’s less of a push back on them. Scorpio Risings have that previous impression of “oh you’re not talking therefore you are alluring”, and people just enjoy the jovial energy of a Sagittarius rising. There’s just something about the way you present yourself that draws people in. I’m not really getting the way you dress with this pile, it’s more about the way you carry yourself. The Lunar Eclipse is definitely giving me this ASC-Opposition feeling. It doesn’t have to be the sun, but a very important planet (chart ruler or the moon) is being masked by your rising. It’s giving me strong Seventh house vibes though because that always deals with the “omg I didn’t know you were like that” “I literally said this five days ago” frustrated feeling. I think people enjoy getting to know you though because it’s refreshing? You seem very routine-based to them so when they get to see you act outside of that it’s very exciting? Now these wands...lost my mind. One part of it is that I think people enjoy seeing you grow. You’re never halting your progress and you always like to expand your knowledge or ‘business’ (idk why I keep using business as an example///). However for others, you just have a very light-hearted and free-spirited energy and a very good song came on for this! You’re never too bothered about appearances yeah. Both court cards look very extravagant but when you look closer it’s just kind of...it’s just some fabric. You might also have an ‘unsual’ pet. It’s not exotic or anything but it’s not someone’s first choice so think like ferret, birds, snakes, etc. Due to that, it’s not a forgettable quality.
What Do Strangers Find Attractive About You: Castle – It’s Time for Healing, Not War
You give good advice. You’re a little different from Pile Two in regards to this. People already seek you out for your charisma, but this is an unexpected element in the interaction. During conversations and interactions, you throw in little examples of your experiences and people begin to realize there’s a lot more to you. I think that’s why people enjoy when you peel back a bit of those layers because it’s a nice change. People seek you out for a lot more than the usual, because you have more to give than just your regular brand, whatever it might be. They enjoy just. Talking to you to be honest. I’m not sure how many realize this, but you’re not a perfect person. You are not an angel here to spread whatever gospel every other person is always trying to preach as if they’ve never done anything bad in their life, which is really nice to interact with from time to time. Also I don’t know why I want to say this but you can be a little blunt at times too, which can be funny.
Songs: Slime – Danny Gonzalez, Kyouran Hey Kids!! – THE ORAL CIGARETTES, Blowback – The Killers, smiling when i die – Sasha Alex Sloan, Nobody’s Home – Avril Lavigne, Tongue Tied – Grouplove, Spectrum – Florence + The Machine
Pile Four
Personality: X of Wands Rx, Knight of Wands, Knight
So interestingly enough, I was almost immediately denied access to get your cards, but obviously I’m here so I was let in, and then I get all these cards as well as your first song lmao. So quite the dramatic change. Your pile has such a light-hearted energy. I want to say pile because I. Feel like the authenticity is a bit protected right now lol. So for right now, the pile is giving off some fun and light-hearted energy. It feels like playing pretend, like if you look between the two knight cards (ironically), it reminds me of kids laying down their rules and making up their world and someone is going to go save the princess. There’s an romanticism of love movies and scenarios—it’s a very pure and cute energy. It’s not soft though, it’s very loud and brash almost. Your pile doesn’t like dealing with pessimism, or I should say they don’t believe that life or love has to be hard and heavy or deep. Not in an immature way, but like you can have a happy and breezy time while still be undying and intense like the way media always tries to talk about love. There’s a reckless side of your pile too that can be quite obnoxious. I always take this Knight of Wands card to be a bit loud and a sign of someone not knowing when to shut up because of it’s story haha. It’s also an energy of someone who isn’t afraid to go against the grain and be themselves. I feel like people are expecting the prim and polished personality and appearance of the first card, but what they get for life is the second knight card. Both are cute but the second one is just a lot more to handle when it’s unexpected, however both are true to who you are. Giving big Leo energy.
Physically: IX of Wands Rx, X of Pentacles Rx, Full Moon, Gemini
I’m not taking it for your song, but Dangerously In Love by Beyonce is playing right now. I think you really captivate people by your dualistic nature, but at the same time you don’t...it’s a bit difficult to explain. So there are different sides to you, but they’re both authentic. You’re not putting up a front, it’s just that sometimes one is more prominent than the other or you’re just feeling that mood more than the other. It’s not something you really hide either, like if you pay attention to conversations or details, it’s very clear that both the prim and proper knight as well as the rowdy knight are both you, and that bleeds over into your appearance as well. It’s weird because I need to interpret this Ten of Pentacles in both ways. The Nine of Wands just completely stands for you not really caring about appearances. Fully. It’s not something that you really give much thought unless you’re kinda forced to, which brings us to our Ten. On some days, you are looking Extravagant very put together 10/10. It could be that your outfit fits your style and look perfectly, or it’s for an event, etc. However sometimes there will be a few things out of place or maybe it’s like a bit messy—feels like those like ‘messy bun’ hairstyles? Due to the influence of this Nine of Wands. Then on other days you just go back to be completely natural full on sweatpants no attempt at wardrobe—complete contrast to what people are imagining in their head. I don’t know why I get the sense that people don’t immediately meet you first before they get to know you lol. However the way you can just jump from both ends of the spectrum at random moments and still look pretty good is really impressive to people.
What Do Strangers Find Attractive About You: Escapist – Come Home to Yourself
Yup! You have a great imagination and you don’t stress the practicality of it all. I don’t really get that you avoid things too much, even though this card does warn of it, but this is one of your strengths. You enjoy having a good time, and you encourage those around you to de-stress and just do something they enjoy every once in a while (or thrice in a while, fuck it). People are drawn in by that charismatic nature you have quite easily. I’m going to sound annoying, but I think just being careful balancing Fifth and Sixth house energies (so hobbies in contrast to stuff like daily chores) will give you a pretty strong mindset.
Songs: DOLLA SIGN SLIME (feat. Megan Thee Stallion) – Lil Nas X, Just Around the Riverbend – Pocahontas (Movie), Alive – Krewella, I’m Like a Lawyer with the Way I’m Always Trying to Get You Off (Me & You) – Fall Out Boy
472 notes
·
View notes
Note
hihi! <3 i love your works sm! you write the absolute best, but i honestly have a genuine question, why don’t you like silent readers? i hope it’s not a rude question to ask but i’m just genuinely curious because i understand that there comes to a limit of how people interact with posts, but i’d also like to hear your input as well :)
(you’re my fav smut writer hehe)
hi, first of all, thank you 🖤 am proud to be your favorite 🥹
secondly, in all honesty, its a little complicated. silent readers are only one of the issues on tumblr. If they’re truly silent, i won’t even know they’re reading for me to be upset in the first place, which sucks really fucking bad…
where i actually get pissed of is, well, it’s the people who spam like but don’t reblog, follow me, or leave me any feedback. additionally, it’s the people who beg and plead and demand i write more while never reblogging, or telling me why they like my work in the first place.
i write for free, and while i appreciate all feedback i get, reblogs are so important to writers here on tumblr and i urge you to peek at the ratios of my fics. likes vs reblogs, people asking for more without reblogging or liking etc.
i also have anon enabled specifically for those who don’t want to expose who they are in terms of feedback (silent readers). id like to think that after i spend days and weeks and months writing, people would at the very least either leave feedback or a reblog. yknow? but thats simply not rly the case.
i’m tired of begging for interaction basically, bc as shitty as it is, many writers only get likes and demands for more writing over anything else and it’s exhausting. i try to avoid that if at all possible because ill end up not writing at all. i am real a person. if you are consuming and enjoying my content, pllssss pls pls make it known to me in some way that isnt just an empty like or rude and entitled demand!!
this rly is why the writing community here is dying. arguably, silent readers do play a part in that as well, but they’re more neutral and don’t interact at all. half of the time they don’t even use their blogs ;-; which…if that’s the case why not give us a lil reblog then? like it’s not harmful and gives the author a lil warm and fuzzy feeling.
idk man. ppl basically just treat authors like machines, literal shit, and like we owe them more and more of our creativity so they can rub one out.
i will always stand by this: i do not owe anyone an orgasm. but if you’re going to make demands, or are simply hoping i write more without telling me, then please don’t be a silent reader, a serial liker, or a person who won’t even follow or reblog me.
13 notes
·
View notes
Note
the other anon has a bit of a point if I'm being honest, content creators create of their own volition and we don't own you anything. they may have come off a bit rude but I think what they were trying to say was if you really enjoyed writing you wouldn't care about reblogs because it's honestly just for your own self satisfaction knowing more people will read your work and not just your own followers, not everyone has the energy to go and reblog every piece you write. just be appreciative of the interactions you do have because I've seen writers with worse, my blog is a fic one and I don't get HALF the interactions you do so at the very least be considerate of small blogs who actually struggle. I'm just glad there's other people that agree like that anon.
Honestly? Yes it’s for my own self satisfaction. Because I’ve spent hours and days working on something and I want to know if people enjoyed it, I want to read all their comments and see all their silly little tags and interact with them about something that I have created. Yes, people reblogging and commenting on my fics make me feel good about myself and it makes me proud of what I have created. And most importantly, it motivates me to keep going. I love writing, but if nobody enjoys what I do, I might as well stop posting and keep all my works to myself. So yes, I do care about reblogs and I’m not ashamed to admit that.
What’s so bad about asking to show us authors some love for the things we do? You enjoyed it? -Let us know! Is it really that hard?
"Not everyone has the energy to reblog" … pls be so fr, it literally takes about 1 second and you only have to lift a finger
There‘s no excuse not to reblog and support others for their work. No, you don’t own us anything but as long as you consume our work, the least you could do is reblog to help us reach other people that might be interested in our stuff too.
And I’m not even talking about myself only, I’m talking about all the other authors too! You’re telling me about smaller blogs struggling, but if everyone would support their works, they wouldn’t struggle ??
82 notes
·
View notes
Text
So Sad, Beautiful, Tragic has turned a year old today — which is absolutely insane to think about for a plethora of reasons. And I tried to think of things to do, before eventually settling on this celebratory inbox game, and a very simple thank you.
Contrary to its title, this story has brought me… great joy, in the past year. I started it at a considerable low point in my life, mentally. It started as an escape — to think about someone so starkly distant from myself, to make mistakes and have them be forgiven. I wanted a story about forgiveness, about friendship, about resilience.
What I got was a very kind community around me and some very lovely friends who pick me up even unknowingly. Which is honestly more than a girl could ask for.
The last longfic I ever wrote was in 2019, and to this day it remains unfinished on its little corner of the internet. Just twelve chapters of unfinished fanfiction. If you told me a year ago that a story that was never supposed to leave my drafts would end up fifty chapters long, with people who comment regularly on it, who share the same enthusiasm for it that I do? I’d call you insane. But here we are. And I’m happy to be here :)
I do want to thank some specific people though, because where would I be without this community?
@softguarnere , @brassknucklespeirs , @liebgotts-lovergirl and @mercurygray : be it once or like five times, whether it’s a deciding pivotal plot detail , beta-reading, or just trying to name a chapter title , I’ve messaged all of you at one point and you’ve lended me your ear to spitball and find the next turn for the story to take. You’re all lovely friends to have, and when I think of the people who’ve helped this story along the way, you’re the first people that come to mind.
@galaxialuz , @mads-weasley , and @the-cinnamontography-is-amazing : my serial rebloggers / commenters , everytime you all comment on the story or reblog I gain ten years of life. Your reactions are some of the ones I look forward to the most. Seriously, eternally grateful to know how much you love the story, and to those of you who may comment on AO3 who’s users I simply don’t have : this is an acknowledgment for you too! Comments and RBs make the world go around and I’m so thankful for all of mine <3
@almost-a-class-act , @cody-helix02 , @wexhappyxfew , @derry-rain , @shoshiwrites , and @we-band-of-brothers : For letting me bang my pot and my pan, senselessly and loudly, about anything and everything that has to do with this fic of mine. I come strolling into messages going “GUYS BUT DAISY!!!!” and to be met with the same enthusiasm is a really lovely thing. Seriously, for someone who’s been told to, ahem, be quiet about their OCs several times, knowing that I have people who will listen whether it’s an AU I had in mind, a chapter I finished, or mindless rambling is such a gift.
And I am thanking you, person reading this post, for making it this far! Whether you’re a passive reader or one commenting on every chapter or just someone who happened upon this particular post, thanks for giving my words the time of day!
All of this to say: thank you for the support, thank you for the community you’ve let me into, thank you for every bookmark, and like, and reblog, and message. thank you to my anonymous pals and known ones alike — thank you for showing this story the support and love that you have. SBT isn’t perfect, but it is mine, and I’m proud of it, and it means the world to know that something I have created and put into the world is very very loved.
28 notes
·
View notes
Text
HEY HI IT’S ME
A Creature. An Absolute Gremlin. Approach with caution.
A more current list of my au projects(a work in progress) and my art without 30k ish reblogs sprinkled between them can be found at @feralssinbin
Welcome to my little hole on this glorious hell site. My ask box is always open for questions, pokes, suggestions/requests, or a fun little AU ask game where you throw me a bone(idea?Scenario?quote?Something?) and I unleash a wave of rambling at you in return as my brain runs wild with ideas :D Rude asks will be laughed at and consumed like the most delectable treats >:3
I am... Honestly super proud to have ended up as part of the DCA Fandom (and now FNaF by extention??? I avoided it like the plague for so long and now here I am lmao). The people here are so warm and welcoming and absolutely full of the kind of crack that makes me grin and I love you all! My ‘day job’ is pretty much doing furry art commissions and helping take care of my grandmother, but my free time and fun time is spent here, simping in the daycare and showering people with the little fragments of my soul that still exist in the form of scribbled art and drabbles of writing <3
As a heads up, I live in the Sin Bin, and while I will try to tag anything overly suggestive/nsfw leaning, I am also a complete space cadet and my judgement on that kind of stuff is horribly skewed on what’s safe and what’s naughty(see day job. my sense of shame is like wet tissue paper lmao)
Art Stuff~ #Feral Scribbles (I DONT KNOW WHY THE LINK KEEPS BREAKING i keep copypasting it from the address bar but it’s being dumb)
My AO3~ and also my writing tag #Feral Writes for various bits and pieces that don’t make it to AO3
Unorganized Tagging and current projects list Under the Cut
BELOW IS SORTA OUTDATED. MOST RECENT AU HEADCOUNT IS HERE.
Various AU tags will appear somewhere once they exist
Pirate AU that needs a name eventually~ New name is too long for a decent tag sooo yea (also name may change) - You and Me and the Devil Makes Three
Forgotten But Not Gone the abandoned daycare AU thing
VampireWerewolf AU Uh... yeah what it sounds like hehehehe
AU Hoard various AU things that just... exist? or the start of AU ideas that get tags later
*
And some more shit I need to organize and merge with above~ BUT these are some(most) of the things I’m working on for writing currently!
Forgotten But Not Gone - 10 year old abandoned daycare with one very lonely and unhinged isolated animatronic Fazbear Ent didn’t bother to pick up.
You, and Me, and the Devil Makes Three - PIRATE AU where reader is a dock hand that accidentally gets loaded as cargo on a pirate ship and now they’re a stow away. The captain’s aren’t thrilled
First Night Jitters - Boy, isn’t it a great idea to schedule the new hire’s first shift at closing time. When the lights go out. And the repurposed security detail is bored?
Dangerous Haven - Its hurricane season and your dumb ass was out in the storm(supposedly for good reason) gets hurt, and seeks safety by breaking into the pizzaplex when the powers gone out. Thank goodness the animatronics have an emergency override protocol in times like these, right?
Sometimes It’s Worth The Risk - You like robots. No. You REALLY like robots. And you just got an acceptance email you get to start working at the most technologically advanced pizza joint in the country. Jackpot. Time to woo the lanky boys, if only they understood why you were being ‘so weird’. (Surprise, they do)
Bite You Once, Bite You Twice - Vampire/Werewolf AU. SO. Sunny is a vampire, right? Well, he’s also a werewolf, because sure why not, and that side of him manifests as Moon (same entity, very different personality shift), and YOU are the new neighbor that doesn’t want to be here, but taking a job from him to help keep his yard tidy is at least something until you get a real job. What’s that? Lemonade? Sure I’ll step into your parlor mysterious friendly stranger. Wait why am I sleepy…
Once Upon Some BULLSHIT( >:C Language!) - A Choose Your Own Adventure style starting point that’s been backburnered for above projects that will basically be ‘commenters choice’ on what to do next, cause these are always fun to do between things, but this might also get scrapped BECAUSE I keep getting bigger ideas and this is a very side project thing.
Hands On Experience - Self indulgent drivel from me of the newbie finding out that the boys are just very touchy. No real plot, just some hands on time with the guys at various points of your employment. Some sweet, some awkward, some steamy, some uncomfortable. Look. I’ve figured out what this fandom is about with them and… Let me have this XD
The Doordash AU (title pending) - STAY AT HOME RECLUSE ARTIST ORDERS FOOD AND IT’S DELIVERED BY A FRIENDLY SUN ANIMATRONIC. Friendship. Angst. Romance? Bromance? I promise there is plot here, I rambled about it, the crack turned into a serious thing, why does this keep happening.
Strings, and Stripes, and Stars - AYO Red string of fate is playing mind games and you are more than confused about this pull that keeps yanking you around to a place of your nightmares. You have always hated big bulky costumes, mascots, those weird uncanny animatronics you see at themeparks and shitty kids restaurants. They make you uncomfortable on a level that borders into phobia territory. SO WHY do you keep ending up losing your mind and walking through the doors of THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE example of EVERYTHING you hate? Oh sweet fuck why are they so tall…
Let The Current Flow Under the Horizon(renamed, might get renamed again)- Self indulgent Mermaid AU that has fleeting bits and pieces of ideas and no real plot yet so check back on this one in like, a bit…The only thing I know for sure is I think I am going to make this one uh, naughty cause there’s so few decent nsfw mermaid fics out there. Team Monster Fucker, where you at? Tastefully, of course!
Face Value - Human disguise AU maybe? Maybe?? >w>; Not sure if developed enough to write yet but… There are many ideas that need to be sorted.
177 notes
·
View notes
Text
Anon Askbox Responses:
anon1:
losing motivation is the worst, but I just wanna say that it will come back eventually just try and not force it otherwise you'll feel like shit and that will make it worse. BUT IT WILL COME BACK and I'm excited to see your new works too since I love all your other ones :) but take your time and don't stress about others, focus on yourself and it's understandable to suddenly feel the need to get others to be proud of your work too but even if there's a small amount of people trust me those are the main people that LOVE your work. luv you <3
anon2:
Hi! I saw your poll and, I think you should write what you want to write. There are readers for a lot of different genres and scenarios. Personally, I like reading works that authors enjoyed writing, even if it's not what I usually read or even apart of the fandom, because I know that a human thought this up and put genuine effort into it. That alone makes any work worth reading. I myself am also in the situation of making my characters/scenarios too "edgy," but I think people should write something that they'll look back at and be glad they got out their brain. And tbh, I'll eat up whatever you cook because I enjoy your writing and I am starving for TKR content.
anon3:
i"d like to read everything ypu write, no matter confession or WIPs everything will be interesting, so you can post WIPs if you want (sorry tuat i wrote it here, i have some problems eith tumbler and i can etote under posts)
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯✦
First and foremost, THANK YOU! I appreciate everyone’s encouragement and support … I worry about spamming, and this decided to dedicate a response in this manner!:) even if these may be the same anon, I’m all the more grateful for your dedication thus far…
Honestly, as silly as it may sound… this little bit of interaction and support had really picked up my confidence some, and helped me in writing an entire Confession prompt…!
I will be posting it soon..! However, true to my previous Poll Post, I would like to revisit the older installments of my Baji x Tutor!Reader series, so that they may be more uniform!
Please look forward to it! I may reblog them, if the changes made and significant enough!
Again, thank you all very much once again! I hope to keep this motivation going for even one more work to see the light of day!:)
special thank you to the following blogs for their consistent support!:
@finleyfox , @imunknown894 , @keisukibaji , @goddessofwaifus , @w0lfeyc4t (I try remembering blogs I see regularly check on my page, but I am not always very observant…)
#thank you from the bottom of my heart#I will continue to try writing as the mood so strikes#ask blog#koiSpam
7 notes
·
View notes
Note
vent
hey okay so. one of my friends just made me really fucking mad actually
i was talking about guns (because another friend was designing one for an oc) and i offhandedly said "my dad was a cop and is also a veteran! i'm not bragging about that. i'm just glad he taught me the things i know now" because you know i really do like guns and i like shooting ranges and i like knowing about weapons and stuff man because it's just cool. i think it's cool.
and this friend that pissed me off, goes "oh it's cringe that your dad was those things but it's cool he taught you about guns"
and i. okay. look. if anyone has a problem with the choices my dad made in his past, it's me. trust me i'm queer and trans of course i have fucking issues with it. but he's my dad. i can also understand that the life he was subjected to ultimately led to making those poor decisions. he used to be like me. he used to be radicalized because he had experienced police brutality firsthand. he was abused, at home, at school, in public by unhinged strangers, criminals, and police alike. he was a failure to his family and he genuinely felt like his only option was to sell away his youth to the fucking military. he was in operation desert storm and he NEVER came home the same. all because he desperately wanted to make people proud of him for something he wasn't instead of them just accepting him for who he was, and that was WRONG both on his end and theirs.
i'm not gonna sit here and talk about my dad's trauma like it's mine but i'm also not gonna say there weren't a lot of factors that made him make those decisions that he genuinely thought were right especially because mental health resources were and still ARE very stigmatized.
but it just pissed me off. that's my dad. i love him very much and i can criticize his choices because i know what happened to him to make him that way. i know that if things were different he'd be in a much better place and god i wish that were the case because he's my fucking dad
idk. it really REALLY made me angry. there's nuance here somewhere, i don't have the words. i will never defend my dad's actions full stop i'm really embarrassed that he was a cop at all. i don't even like talking about it unless necessary. because people will always act like i'm defending the things he did or defending cops or defending the military if i say "hey don't fucking talk about my dad that way ever again please". do you support billionaires just because your mom works at walmart??? jesus fucking christ.
i don't have to hate my dad to hate the things he did
Okay, so. That’s your dad first and foremost. Full stop. That’s all it takes and that’s all that matters.
The job he has/had does not matter right now. Your family was criticized and that can hit hard.
And, honestly, it’s better to learn from someone that has training with guns to tell you everything you need to know and to keep you safe. That’s not a bad thing.
I’m sorry that your father had to go through what he did, but just because of those choices, it doesn’t make him any more or less human, it doesn’t make him any less good. He’s human. We all make choices we can regret later on or will look back on and say “why did I do this?” even if it was something that wasn’t really a choice.
That’s still your father and it’s perfectly okay to defend him because that’s family.
That friend sounds extremely rude and I hope things can get worked out.
If anyone wants to harass anon because of their father’s working areas, I’m deleting those comments and any reblogs saying anything negative is going to be me blocking your account. Look past the job and look at the man underneath who is teaching his kid gun safety with this post. Nothing else.
#anti endo#did system#system#osddid#endos dni#traumagenic system#actually did#endos not for you#actually traumagenic#did plural#did plurality#osdd plural#osdd plurality#tw gun#tw gun mention#tw gun use#anti-endo-haven-vent#anti-endo-haven-vents
8 notes
·
View notes
Note
Tip of advice from a writing blog too shy to come off anon with like- 5 followers XD. Write for YOU, not anybody else. And if you don't feel like writing, then don't. Writing is supposed to be a fun hobby, not a chore. I know that only maybe 1 or 2 people are going to see my work, but that's okay! Because as long as a single person enjoyed what I put out through my stories, I'm happy. Write what YOU want to write, when YOU want to write it. Do not feel obligated by anyone else and don't let others tell you how to do YOUR hobby. Trust me, you'll be happier. I was in your place once (Not long ago, actually ^^). And hey, for what it's worth, I love what you do. Gives me the feeeeels!
I appreciate this! Honestly I do write for me. I know I sound like a broken record here but I really don’t care about notes or attention lol. It’s more about the ache of watching the active community shrink before my eyes. Fanfic is about self-indulgence, but it’s also about sharing in an experience with a community. There’s just little to no community anymore, and that sucks.
Most if not all of us write because we like sharing with you guys! Writing stuff for our people. Hearing the shouts from the void that you all loved sharing in a fic and want to see more is so motivating and heartwarming. For me, that’s a huge part of it. Even when I write something I’m not 100% into or a fic I’m not super proud of, getting to share it with you guys sparks joy.
Not to sound like a bitter old man here but people used to write essays in the tags. That was the thing to do. I can’t tell you the last time I even saw a fandom tag on one of my fics. Likes mean anything from “I saw this” to “reading later” to “omg I loved this but I can’t reblog this”. Going from a thrum of conversation that you could share in with other people to dead silence is unnerving and really sad. It makes me sad.
There are quite a few self-indulgent fics I could probably spit out right now in fandoms no one would care about, but would make me happy. I’ve done that more times than I can count! For me, it’s hard to feel motivated to write at all when the silence I expect from writing for a niche little thing in an already niche community is what I get for nearly everything I put out.
I’m so grateful for this little community. I really am. I don’t want to sound ungrateful or sharp, I’m just really fucking bummed out that I feel this way.
#bug answers#anon#I’m sorry if I sound sharp here I’m not upset with you#you aren’t wrong!! you should write for yourself before anyone else#unfortunately this sort of community shift is blocking my serotonin and dopamine receptors from allowing me to do that#this is a very hard thing to put into words. especially for me. I don’t like that I feel this way. I feel very defeated.#and I don’t know if I’m even explaining the feeling correctly#I haven’t been here as long as some of our community veterans but I feel the weight of time fr
8 notes
·
View notes
Note
Do you have any advice for someone who wants to start posting Miraculous Art or digital art inngeneral? I want to make a tumblr for it, but I feel like I need to be good enough to do so in a way?
Yes! My advice is: just post it :) go for it! there is no “your skill level must be this high to post” rule.
honestly, sharing work can be scary for people of any skill level. it’s good to learn how to get comfortable with your own mistakes and just learn and grow and improve without feeling shame about where you’re starting. and you might be surprised by how supportive people are of beginners and how much they genuinely enjoy your work even when you don’t really know what you’re doing! Haha
here look at this
I drew this like 3 years ago and I was proud of it at the time but i despise it now and I think it’s one of the worst things I’ve ever drawn because chat’s arm is like TWICE as long as it should be 😂 the anatomy in general is Bad but that arm haunts me to this day!!!! Omg
But you know who commented on that mistake? No one!! This post got like 100 notes and it was just people being nice (and this was back when I had just started my blog and had hardly any followers).
^ this was one of my earliest pieces of ML art, which I drew on paper and then took a photo of and colored in with my finger on my phone bc I didn’t have a drawing tablet lol. I specifically remember flipping out bc buggachat reblogged it 😂 it is not a good drawing!!!
The point is that art doesn’t have to be super well done for you and others to enjoy it! posting your stuff is a great way to share what you love, make friends, connect with other creators that you can learn from, and just feel supported in your art journey. Improvement will come automatically as you just keep creating and having fun with it!
Sometimes i actually get excited when I see art that was drawn by a beginner because it’s just cool to see people learning new things and sharing things that they enjoy even if it’s not perfect. I know it’s intimidating to share your work when there are other artists who are more skilled than you, but realistically there is always gonna be someone who’s better than you, no matter how good you are, so you might as well get used to it now 😂 also, even artists you look up to make mistakes! i remember when I first started learning I thought everyone else’s art was flawless lol but when you train your eye better you notice mistakes more. Which isn’t a bad thing! It’s nice to remember that we’re all still growing and we can support each other as we do that. I could go through every one of my art pieces and point out mistakes I’ve made or ways I could improve lol and that’s just the stuff I even notice! Sometimes that’s a little intimidating bc I’m like “omg XYZ artist is SO good, they’re probably judging me” but honestly that’s probably not the case(?) haha. In my experience fandom artists are very supportive of one another whether they’ve been drawing forever or are just starting out. So don’t sweat it! Just share your stuff and see where it leads you :)
good luck!!! I am cheering you on! 💜
(also I’ll let you in on a little secret: if something is stupid/funny people don’t care how ugly it is. yesterday I posted something that looks like this and people reblogged it. amazing)
197 notes
·
View notes
Text
Fanfiction Year in Review 2023
happy new year. I’ve never filled something like this out… but as I published more fics last year than I did in 2022, and I have as many WIPs in the works right now, it seems like a good idea so I can reflect next year 😌
(thank you to kasienda and bbutterflies for tagging me in their posts!)
1 List of fics completed this year in the order they were finished:
sunblind - Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Luka Couffaine/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug/Kagami Tsurugi
hearth – adrinette, adrien & emilie
switching shenanigans - Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug & Félix Fathom
the clouds above (opened up) – emonette & emodrien
backwards walk – ladywalker bed sharing!!!!!!!!!
back to you (just one last time) – ladywalker bed sharing (spicy) !!!!!!!!!!!!!
a rose by any other name – loveydrien <3
2 Number of words written:
Published: 47,661
Unpublished: 67,068
Knowing I’ve written over 100k words in a year is pretty cool! Especially since I only wrote 20k the year before that. I wrote all the wip titles down in a spreadsheet at least.
3 Your most popular fic:
I think the clouds above. I definitely did not expect that kind of reception when I first published it! I’m really thankful people still checked it out after the Paris special aired, too. It was one of the more fun fics I wrote, and I feel I actually don’t talk about how much of an Adrinette girlie I am. Even pre-reveal Adrinette is incredibly meaningful to me! I wrote this fic in a few hours and I was buzzing with excitement. I have another Paris special idea, but it’s… very much an AU I feel. Like it would be somewhere between the clouds above characterization and more canon compliant. So I am not sure if it’s something worth pursuing.
4 Your personal fav:
BACKWARDS WALK SWEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually didn’t know if I’d ever write Ladywalker again after TBSYM? I had small ideas but something switched in me honestly after allowing myself to like… write them in a trope. I’ve reread this fic so many times and it still gets me at all the emotional beats, and I feel the prose is strong in this one. Sometimes I can get a little wordy…! Anyway. this is when I felt I could write them again, and write more.
5 Your fav scene:
Published: I think the last scene of a rose by any other name.
Unpublished: I think this takes the cake
6 A fic or scene that challenged you:
Honestly, almost all of hearth. I took like, a six month break from writing it. Came back to it because it kept itself burrowed in my mind, but I redid the beginning like, three times? And I feel the ending is not as strong as I want it to be. I don’t think I’ve actually ever reread it, either. I won’t say I dislike it, but I think it was one of the harder writing projects of the year for many reasons.
The good: the Adrinette is exactly my comfort flavor. I’m proud of the statue scenes.
The bad: the pacing, the plot is a little loose, the prose can be a little ‘can’t see the trees through the forest’ for me, the ending….
The comments on it, however, have been some of the most meaningful things to me, and I am endlessly grateful!!! I almost feel like this was such a tumultuous work for me, that every thoughtful comment that called it poetic, that they wanted to savor it, meant a lot to me.
7 A line of writing you’re proud of:
I could not pick just one. I got lost in my WIPs for like half an hour.
8 A comment that touched you:
how do I choose?
All the comments on hearth, as I said. I can’t put into words how I feel about this fic, but I see the reflection of the effort and love when I read hearth’s comments. I could not pick a single favorite out of all of those…!
sunny who has graced not just me, but a wide swath of creators and artists with their thoughtful, engaging comments. I could not for the life of me choose just one, but maaaaybe:
Everyone who left tags in reblogs like “NEW ASUKIESS FIC?” or when whiskers complimented my ladywalker.
When piso said the following:
And huey’s comment that just. It connected with me SO MUCH because they GOT IT. sometimes you just get a comment and all you can do is a funny little victorious dance and shake their hand because yeah. Yeah.
All of kasienda’s comments. Literally starstruck is all I can say hehe.
Oh and ALSO when rosekasa said this.
10 Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic; etc):
honestly just creating through a lot of life bullshit lmao
11 Do you have any writing goals for the next year?
I really don’t know! Knee-jerk:
Publish as many fics while keeping them solidly confident. Things I’m proud of.
Write a fic in the shape/form that I absolutely adore: non-linear, short chapters. These are vibe-excellent fics. Need to write one like this.
Balancing angst with fluff.
That’s about it really! <3
12 Anyone you would like to thank?
All of the littlebugs for sharing all their behind the scenes of creating; for offering support; for always been a positive support system; for always sharing in celebrating others wins and comforting when things are bad. I’ve actually never been apart of a creating community like this, and it was not only eye-opening at several points, it was quite a turning point for me, creatively speaking.
piso and blu for creating Loveybug and sharing her; for being just as brainrotted about Catwalker; for always being such wonderful people; for pretty much…everything?
sunny for yknow. all the things I’ve told you in the past six months! <3
mostmagical, bbutterflies, neurovascularentrapta, for being SO supportive and going wild with me over ideas and being SO SWEET!!! I appreciate you all enormously.
Literally everyone who has sent me a comment, on ao3 or in my inbox, or even just shared my work for others.
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
@benanazauce YOUR TAGS ON PART 8.1 ARE SO NICE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m making this its own post bc of a thing at the end but I figured I’d reply to all the nice things you said!!
She needs that hug so bad but she might melt on you. (Dw though she doesn’t soak into your clothes though)
AND YEAH COLORED MAGIC YAY!! Purple magic never gets talked about, so I thought it’d be cool to do something with it~ I really had to bend my brain to make some of those connections though sjsksjhs
Ehehehe~ THANK YOU
Yeeeeaaah that is because I have been in therapy for so many years. Channeling my inner therapist to analyze my own frustrations with myself and what I see a lot of other people struggle with. I also sent my therapist a link to this fic sksndjsjs so Alisa if you’re reading this hi
BUT ANYWAY THANK YOU I’M GLAD YOU THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD!! Tbh I was pretty proud of it myself
THANK YOU, I DID HAVE A NICE MEAL!
SNSJDNSJKSHDH I KNOW THAT LINE CRACKED ME UP TO WRITE! Mostly bc my friend says stuff like that CONSTANTLY, it’s so funny. It’s a good thing I didn’t work her “I want man like a pancake… a pan like a mancake” into this chapter. Though on second thought I should have, that would have been really funny. (Even though to this day none of us (her included) are actually sure what it meant when she said it…)
AAAAA THANK YOU YOU’RE SO KIND
But this is actually the main reason I made this post!! (I have to resist the urge to make this kind of post with screenshots of all the nice tags whenever anybody reblogs my stuff. Every single time. I just want everyone to know I see them, always, and roll around on the floor happily.) ANYWAY!
That line is actually more important than it seems, I’m glad it stuck out to you!!! It references a few different things, one of which hasn’t happened yet. But the biggest immediate references are actually…
And
She associates the crystals on the ceiling of Waterfall, the “stars,” with the feeling of home, and of comfort, of love. They make her feel safe. In part because of what she believes about what happens to a monster after they die, which she explains to Alphys, and so she believes she can sense her parents’ magic in them; in part because her parents loved the stars (and named her after them); and in part because the ceiling stars are constant. She actually does know them well enough to navigate home if she gets turned around in the winding caves there. If she were ever to get lost… she would use the stars to show the way.
Her subconsciously beginning to associate Gaster’s blue magic and glowing eyes with the same feelings of safety and comfort, of belonging, of home, is a marker of their deepening relationship. Whether the black rock represents the darkness of the teleport, with his eyes/magic being the unmoving (read: “steadfast,” “trustworthy”) guide home, or it simply represents how his glowing eyelights look floating in dark sockets, well. It could go either way, couldn’t it?
THANK YOU SM AS ALWAYS! Honestly maybe I really will start making reaction posts to people’s tags a thing I do… Is it weird? Was this weird???
#There’s actually quite a few lines in the last couple parts that are technically foreshadowing!!#or reference something#seeker talks#long post#⁂posting#⁂#asteri#seeker oc#I HOPE THIS WASN’T WEIRD TO DO
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
It got too long and heartfelt in the reblog, so I decided it deserved its own post XD
BOOM. MY OLD ART FROM LIKE 2018/19???
This is my bestie's Harry Potter OC that I drew for her! I actually had some similar drawings of both our OCs, but they're not in my possession right now XD and maybe they'll never be! But it's cool to see how very far I'll e come since then.here's some of my more recent art, just so you can see them side by side XD
For me, personally, seeing them side by side makes me giddy. They're so different, it's hard to link them together, hard to look at them and think the same person drew them. But I did. And as someone who grew up with another fabulous artist (@/rustic-space-fiddle), | was always impatient, always discouraged to look at my own art and see everything it was missing. I wanted to draw like Rusty, but I was so very unskilled. I was very eager to reach the day when I could match her skill, when I could look at my art and see in it everything that I saw in hers.
And today, I can honestly, confidently, gratefully say that I have arrived.
Obviously, if you go check out Rusty’s art, you’ll see I am by no means as good as her. But I learned awhile ago that I’ll never be, no one will—not only am I biased that she’s the best artist in the world (because she is), but Rusty draws the way only Rusty can, and the way only she will. Others may draw similarly, others may copy her, but art is like a fingerprint. Each style and piece is unique to the person who drew it. Therefore, it’s unfair for me to compare myself to Rusty when I could never possess her fingerprint in the first place. But that doesn’t change the fact that I used to compare myself to her so harshly—and the fact that to a younger me, I have achieved exactly what I wanted.
2018 was not the year I started drawing. Was it perhaps the year of my first exploration into the digital realm? Yes, but before then, I was drawing horses. I love horses, and I loved them so much they were all I ever drew. My walls were adorned with dozens of drawings of horses. I’ve since fallen out of the habit of drawing horses so regularly, but all those drawings are what started me drawing. I learned to hold a pencil and put it to paper drawing horses, and then from there, I just started drawing everything else. I only recently started drawing in seriousness, in the grand scheme of things. A year or two ago. And then I was drawing people most of the time, and the occasional dog or cat. And there were many bumps along the way—my discouragement at my own ability, as well as my inability to draw digitally, as I was quickly coming to love. The iPad I used at the time simply didn’t support Procreate after awhile, so I was using my sister’s iPad.
There are also the artists which inspired me. Obviously, rustic-space-fiddle was—and still is—my number one support and inspiration, she was my goal. But then I got instagram and I saw people’s different styles, and while I don’t know where exactly the inspiration from them comes from, it’s certainly there, perhaps in the courage with which I now draw. The second biggest inspiration in my life has been, without a doubt, Jojo. Her art style, which I adore, is something I have tried to imbue in mine—I’ve been told before that it can be seen, but I’m unsure of that. Still, even if I do not draw in her style, I think I draw in her energy. In the way that I draw Legend, that style, that goal, that love for him and her art, I think it’s there every time I draw Legend, and even in the other things that I draw too. She may never know, but she is perhaps the only other artist in the world I have ever really hoped to be like.
Anyways. I guess what I am simply trying to say is I’m happy. I’m proud. I’m content with my art, in a way I once hoped I would achieve, and while I know I have many things to learn, I approach them without that lost hopelessness I used to feel, but with passion, curiosity, and the determination to grow better.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. You didn’t really have any reason to read this—even if we have talked, even if we are mutuals, I’m still a stranger whose ramblings about her art hold almost no weight at all. But you did anyways, because you were curious, because you cared, because it was interesting, moving, inspiring. Whatever it was, thank you :)
I’ve come a very long way. And I’ll go a very long way more. I hope you’ll be here to see it all!
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hope’s Meadow (Inc) *Mirror’s Edge*
I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! hiya everyone E here! still kicking and alive.
So this chapter is exceedingly late. I got busy during December and honestly a lot of people who i don't normally see came by to visit and such. I did write actually but those were personal gifts to my friends involving their own ocs and worlds and all that jazz and I didn't feel right posting them because they're not mine. So yeah i was writing i promise I just can't share them. But I'm here now.
I get it. It's a lot right now and I want you to know it's okay. It'll be okay. Even if it doesn't feel that way. Just take it a step at a time, have fun when you can and enjoy the little things. Step away and lose yourself in a story. Doesn't have to be mine but I would appreciate it. haha be safe, take care of yourself and your loved ones. Wear a mask. I know. I know but it's still a thing and we still need to take care of each other. Get vaccinated if you can. Push for it worldwide cuz we're all in this together (feel free to sing this bit) and hey, I'm proud of you. We made it this far! let's see how far we can go. Happy New Year 2023! :)
That's it for me! Be safe, have a great week. I am gonna try to update this within a week, two weeks and be more consistent on that. If you are enjoying this, thank you for your time. feel free to recommend this to anyone, leave a comment, reblog. I love it all! E is out, see you soon!
If you need an update what happened last time on Mirror’s Edge, here’s the last chapter ---> https://archiveofourown.org/works/30599756/chapters/106456251
Here’s the current chapter on a much more reader friendly site riiiiiight here! ---> https://archiveofourown.org/works/30599756/chapters/111360014
If you’re curious what all this is about here’s the story from the beginning https://archiveofourown.org/works/30599756/chapters/75486005
And if you’re in the mood for more familiar pieces of media, I got a whole a03 with legend of zelda, Arcane, Soul Eater, A Percy Jackson AU. You can find all that https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrE42/pseuds/MrE42
And for those of us departing here, have a great day!
Summary: It's time to get to work and Casey is eager to get on the trail. First stop, after breakfast of course, is to visit the local cemetery and hopefully get the information out of some spirits. In the meantime a few more lessons about the other side wouldn't hurt especially if Casey wants to survive.
-----
“So.” Casey asked eagerly as he placed their order on the table before them “Verdict?”
Yorrick shot the young man working the cash register a disinterested glance before hungrily picking up her breakfast bagel “My-something was way cuter.”
Turns out Casey was both right and wrong: This trendy fast food coffee shop HAD once upon a time been a sandwich shop. Evidently it was recently bought by A Taste Of Faire, some sort of medieval themed coffee...thing. Honestly Casey wasn’t sure what to make of it and he was too hungry to care.
Casey took his own breakfast in hand“Hope’s Meadow is around corner. We’ll finish up and head over.”
Yorrick was too enraptured by her meal to give any meaningful answer beyond a nod.
Casey chuckled before taking a bite himself.
The two ate in a surprisingly comfortable silence, a quiet that was both peaceful and oddly relaxing.
“I have a question.” Casey finally spoke after a few minutes of consuming his burrito “Do all you-know-whats look like bed sheets?”
Yorrick titled her head sideways “Youknowwhats? What’s that?”
Casey’s gaze shifted to Kal. The ghostly companion floated openly in public, his translucent form bobbing up and down in the sun.
“Umm….” He gestured with his eyes.
“The window?” Yorrick turned her head, unsure what she was looking at.
“N-no. Umm….your friend.” Casey patiently clarified.
Yorrick stared blankly at him
Casey pursued his lips, unsure how to further ask Yorrick about her ghostly friend.
“Oh!” Realization struck as Yorrick’s ghostly greens went wide “You mean Kal?” she motioned to him with her thumb.
Casey could feel his ears burn as he felt the pointedly stares of the other customers at Yorrick’s outburst.
Yorrick remained oblivious “I wouldn’t know I’ve always been able to see them as they were. They look like people to me. I guess it’s the closest concept your brain can perceive their form to be.”
Casey bristled at the idea “Wait but I know about death. I experienced it when my grandma died. I’m pretty sure I would know what a ghost looks.”
“I blame all those cartoons. Bed sheets are simpler to draw. Easier to remember.”
“But I’ve been to funerals.” Casey frowned “I’ve mourned, I’ve grieved. How can I not see ghosts?”
Yorrick chewed her food slowly “Well yeah but have you talked about death? Really come to terms with what it means to die?”
An uncomfortable tingle ran down Casey’s spine as the idea began to swirl in his thoughts. Fear and uneasy prickled at him and he struggled to keep his face indifferent.
“See?” Yorrick pointed with her half-eaten sandwich “You haven’t accepted it.”
“I….”
Yorrick interrupted “I get it. It’s not a very fun thing to talk about. The mere mention of death kills any conversation.”
There was a pause before her lips broke into a smile.
“Haha death kills any conversation.”
And with that the Gravekeeper of Souls descended into a fit of giggles.
Casey opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. There was a strange mixture of embarrassment and shame burning in him. He was sure she didn’t mean it like that but he felt somehow she was making fun of him, laughing at a joke only she understood.
“Oh that was so lame.” she wiped a tear from her eye.
“Yorrick…”
She stopped and eyed Casey carefully.
“Oh I’m sorry.” Yorrick sheepishly smiled “I didn’t mean to make you so uncomfortable. It was a funny joke! To me at least.”
Casey gave a strained smile “Oh it was. I was just wondering.”
“About?”
“What you said before the joke.”
“What I said.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully “What I said. Before the. Oh! About your inability to see ghosts and how that ties in with your lack of acceptance about dying.”
Conspiratorial whispers from the customers but Casey did his best to ignore it.
Yorrick straightened up “It’s a normal thing. Nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I’m not.” Casey began but Yorrick clicked her tongue in disagreement.
“I am not making fun of you. It’s perfectly natural for you, me, anyone not to want their story to end. The unknown is the scariest fear in all existence and what’s scarier than the great unknown that awaits us all after we leave our mortal coils?”
Yorrick gave a reassuring smile “It’s okay not want to talk about the end. But that’s what I mean. I could see how awkward it made you feel, the uncomfortable thoughts that came just mentioning the word.”
Casey shifted in embarrassment.
“And I don’t think less of you for it.” Yorrick patted his shoulder “Because we’re all fighting for every extra second. And we should! Fight death tooth and nail. But with acceptance comes perception. Because spirits are entwined closely and tightly tied with death. You cannot remove one from the other.”
“So.” Casey began to realize what she meant “Because I don’t want to talk or think about it, my brain shuts out anything tied to it and that’s why I can’t see ghosts? Is that right?”
Yorrick gave a quick nod “Bueno! Estrella de oro para ti!”
“Umm excuse me?”
“Estrella.” Yorrick repeated, snapping her fingers in hopes of remembering the word “Estrella. You know. Es-tre-lla….Es-tre. Star! Gold star for you!”
“Oh okay.” Casey chuckled “I didn’t realize you knew Spanish though I’m guessing you know a lot of languages given how much you travel huh?”
Yorrick grinned proudly “Another gold star! Ghosts tend to stay stuck in their ways so to speak. And physically really. While they are capable of learning and adapting to their current…existence and settings, most just don’t and thus I need to learn how to communicate with them. Which means learning as many languages as I can.”
Casey nodded approvingly “That’s cool. Are you ready?"
Yorrick gave a salute, rising to full height with walking stick in one hand and the chain holding her tombstone in the other.
-----
Hope’s Meadow (Inc.) was the newest of the cemeteries that were inside the city proper and the only one to be blessed by a good-aligned cleric. Widow’s Weep up north was blessed by a cleric who followed the goddess of murder and Sunset Plains was covered by a cleric of chance. Casey wasn’t really sure who blessed Hope’s Meadow but he had a sneaking suspicion it was Doctor Carmichael.
Divinity and divine magic were interchangeable between the terms divine and holy. It had less to do with alignment or morals and more tapping into the positive or negative force of the gods. Every single paladin and cleric of any god could call upon the power and magic of their deity and have it considered divine. Casey was just as capable as any evil aligned cleric of drawing upon negative energy to harm others as a cleric of death was to draw up positive energy to heal or help others.
Honestly the only difference between the various paladins and clerics is the tenets of their god, a guideline to further their deities influence and power in this plane of reality. As a cleric of the Hearth, Casey believed in tending to the home, protecting others and caring for them as if they were family. There were many ways to act in the gods will but it was still a pretty rigid path. A goddess of murder tended to want murder done in her name, whether innocent or guilt-ridden blood did not matter to her. Casey’s god believed in devoting one’s self to others.
There were many benefits of course especially the free spellcasting. Clerics and Paladins didn’t know magic, not really. Instead their god of choice would guide their hand, providing them with the proper gestures and words to speak their magic into the world. No shortcuting powerful spells though. One still needed magical muscle to perform the higher levels of magic and the only way to build it up was to cast, cast, cast.
Blessing cemeteries was much about safety as it was a civic duty. Hallowed, blessed grounds prevent fae from entering and turning the place into their own personal playground. Shockingly, fae were pretty irreverent about everything.
It also prevented necromancers from raising an army of skeletons and zombies, a favorite pastime of theirs.
Most importantly, however, was the preservation of souls. Spirits were very valuable in all forms but especially in many dark spells. Blessing the ground not only prevents unsavory forces and creatures from wandering in but also offered a safe haven for any wayward spiritual beings. Even evil gods and goddesses agree that it would not be good for anyone if spirits were used to fuel terrible, dangerous unnatural magic.
It was still early so very few people were out and about here. Casey wasn’t exactly sure what Yorrick was up to but he figured it was better that less prying eyes were around to see it. Finn warned him the Council still hadn’t figured out what exactly the Veil blanketed or what it did not.
Yorrick stood in the middle of the walkway, her gaze fixated seemingly on some far horizon only she could see. She took a deep breath in before tapping her finger once against the top of her rusty lantern.
There wasn’t a muted thud like Casey was expecting but rather a single chime of a bell, a beautiful sound that vibrated the air itself with an ancient power. He could feel it wash over him, sending a chill down his spine and making his hairs stand on end.
The chime faded slowly but its effect was noticeable: The air was still but cold with a thick tension that had not been there a moment before. Hushed, hurried whispers echoed all around him while a fog rolled in from nowhere. A deep instinctive fear uncoiled itself in the pit of his stomach and the sudden urge to run far away from this place began to claw at his resolve.
Yorrick was unaffected. In fact she leaned closer, head tilted to one side as if listening to someone. She nodded a few times before murmuring something in return to the whispers.
It could’ve been his imagination but for a brief moment it sounded like the fog let out a sigh of relief and thinned ever so slightly.
------
It went on like this for an hour: Yorrick listened to the whispering of the invisible force and would speak in return. Sometimes it was a quick conversation, a few words back and forth. Other times it felt more like a heated debate as Yorrick spoke with a firm edge as if scolding to a fuming child. Once Yorrick only muttered a single word and a harsh breeze would pick up out of nowhere and vanished just as quickly.
Whatever Yorrick was doing did not consistently affect the mysterious fog that surrounded them. Mostly after each discussion (or scolding) the mist dissipated a bit. A few times, to him at least, it looked like nothing had changed.
“Yorrick?” Casey gently nudged her shoulder to get her attention.
Yorrick whirled around, clearly surprised “Oh Casey! Hi there. Sorry I didn’t really explain all” she gestured to thin air “This. I’m not used to people actually coming with me to work. Or watching me work. Or staying to watch me work.”
“That’s okay.” Casey reassured her gently “I take it you’re helping spirits move on?”
“Or updating them on the current year, events.” Yorrick added in “Or offering to pass along messages to their living loved ones.”
“The one with the breeze?”
Yorrick’s face turned deadly serious “Troublemaker. Well not anymore. Did you want to go do something else? I might be a while. Major city’s cemetery tends to have a large spiritual population and I don’t want you to sit around bored out of your mind.”
“Actually as I am a cleric I was thinking I could help you with all this. It is one of my duties though admittedly.” he looked around, unsure where to look “It is a little lacking and I might have trouble helping what I can’t see.”
“Don’t worry Casey I gotcha!”
Yorrick reached into her pocket, pulling a matchbox out. She struck the matchstick against the rough grooves of the box and lit the lantern. Orange flame burned a ghostly green within the lantern and crackled with a warm heat.
The light from the lantern washed over the fog and what was once cold frigid air became people. Different people and races surrounded them in a loose circle. Some floated midair lazily. Others had their feet planted firmly on the ground as they did when they breathed. Some were chasing each other in play, waiting impatiently for their turn. Translucent, pale spirits of various ages and walks of life. Normal people no different than anyone else Casey passed by every day.
Well except the giant knight that towered over everyone.
Casey knew his eyes went wide in shock and his mouth was agape though it was hard to blame him. This spirit wasn’t like the others: It was much more solid. While the others wore differing articles of clothing from across the ages, this spirit donned full armor, a sleek white shade that gleamed as bright as the sun. It was easily 8 feet tall with a shield half its size at the ready. Firmly planted in the grass was the hilt of an impossibly massive sword that Casey couldn’t ever hope to even budge. Two pure white wings held the spirit aloft The symbol of a scale emblazoned on its chest told Casey that Doctor Carmichael did not bless this place.
“Cleric of Justice.” Casey mumbled in awe “Okay. Eden maybe?”
Yorrick carefully pushed his shoulder “System shock buddy?”
“Yeah. The spirits I was expecting but.” He pointed to the massive armored spirit “Should’ve expected an angel and an archangel no less.”
“The gods do not mess when it comes to the spiritual world.” Yorrick stated matter of fact.
Casey took a deep breath in “Well we’re still alive. That’s good. C-can I get to work?”
Yorrick said nothing. Instead she gestured to the still shell shocked cleric and proceeded to speak with the next spirit in line.
A young man floated up to Casey and waited patiently. Upon realizing this, Casey shook focused on the task at hand.
“Y-yes?” Casey asked shakily, trying to ignore the massive archangel hovering overhead “How can I help you?”
"Hola senor! Mi nombre es…”
“Yorrrrrick! A little help!”
-----
One “English only” sign and a few hours later, Casey felt accomplished despite the fact he was unsure either of them had gotten any information about the crisis at hand.
He listened to the spirits, their questions and concerns. Their hopes and fears. Regrets and dreams long since passed. He offered comfort to them and prayed to the Hearth for them. Even cast the odd simple spell from time to time, a small blessing. He wasn’t very good at it if he was being honest but the spirits at the very least seemed to appreciate his efforts.
Some vanished just as they had done with Yorrick. The Gravekeeper explained that these spirits had chosen to move on with the next stage of their existence but could return if called. Some stayed, relived at Casey’s words but only floating off to wander the cemetery. Yorrick told him these spirits usually still had some sort of business left here, often waiting for their loved ones so they could move on together though some just liked Earth too much to leave. Still, informing them of current events was a good way to keep them calm and not lashing out in confusion.
He didn’t get any troublemakers thankfully though it seemed Yorrick did. She was ontop of it though, banishing the spirits with a single word before moving onto the next waiting in the wings. During their break Yorrick informed him that she simply forced them to move on. Unlike choosing to move on, however, it wasn’t permanent and they could easily return though it was difficult for any spirit. She did mention she could’ve made it a permanent eviction with the proper spells and rituals but these were normal people’s spirits and those extreme measures were saved for extreme cases.
Casey was curious on how exactly spirits were called back to this reality but luckily a family had saved Yorrick from explaining it.
It was a mother and her adult son visiting their father and husband. They brought him flowers and spent a few minutes cleaning his plaque. Casey wasn’t sure when he appeared but he did: an older fellow, translucent and ghostly like the others. They spoke of news and changes in their life with tears and grief in their eyes and while they couldn’t see him, he heard them. The old ghost cheered when told of good news and groaned at misfortune. He held them tight when the bad times came up and beamed with pride at their accomplishments. Perhaps some part of them could feel him because while they grieved, they felt more at peace. They hoped he was well and promised to visit soon. They left and so did the old ghost.
“Love.” Yorrick smiled softly at the family.
Casey smiled “Too powerful a force to be bound to a single memory.”
“He still sees them by the way.” Yorrick clarified “Watches over them from the other side. Most spirits don’t usually get enough strength to affect our lives but that one. Stubborn as a bull.”
“They still remember him at home.” Casey added in, piecing everything together “Their love keeps his memory alive.”
“And that allows him to watch over them. Even visit them there too.” Yorrick finished
Casey nodded in agreement but fell into silent contemplation.
There were still quite a few spirits wandering around but those were ones who had chosen to stay for the time being. It was nice and quiet, a peaceful calm filled the cemetery.
Casey decided to bite the bullet “Any leads on our end of the world event?”
Yorrick remained silent, her eyes searching for someone in particular but not finding them.
Casey was about to ask who she was looking for when he found a curious pair of eyes staring directly at him.
It was the spirit of a young boy, 6 maybe 8 years of age. It was hard to tell. There markings around his eyes and chin, messy lines and uneven patterns of tribal tattoos like the child had attempted to emulate some warrior’s markings. He had round chubby cheeks, seemingly never getting rid of his baby fat. He had a mess of black curly hair and he was an average frame for a boy his age. His bare arms had more messy tattoos running down them.
“Yorrick.” he nudged the distracted Gravekeeper “I think we got one more customer.”
Yorrick snapped her head in the direction Casey gestured, her eyes going wide with excitement as she bellowed at the top of her lungs “KAL!”
“Kal!?” Casey choked out, completely caught off guard by this revelation.
Kal did not move from his spot behind a headstone. He simply flickered out of existence and reappeared before them before Casey could even blink.
“How did he….?”
“Don’t let his appearance fool you Casey. He’s thousands of years old.”
Casey gulped upon realizing the implications of that statement.
Yorrick, completely obvious to Casey’s surprise, turned to her ghostly partner “Kal, what did you find out?”
Kal said nothing.
“The museum?” Yorrick tilted her head curiously “Are you sure?”
More silence.
Yorrick pursed her lips thoughtfully “Well that will be tricky but we’ve worked with worse!” She leapt to her feet, hoisting the tombstone onto her back with little effort “Come on Casey! We’re robbing museum!”
“That’s nice.” Casey groaned, struggling to resist the syrupy urge to sit back down “You know if Kal is thousands of years old, he must be insanely...wait. Did you say rob a museum?”
“Yep! Hurry up we’re burning daylight!”
And with a mad sprint, Yorrick waved goodbye to the spirits as she raced outside the cemetery gates.
Casey suddenly felt his legs turn to jelly.
“Sure. Just rob a museum. No pressure.” He mumbled to himself as he uneasily wobbled after Yorrick.
11 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hi, Aly! I’m Sarah. 😊 I just wanted and needed to stop by and tell you how much I love Psychomanteum. I’ve seriously been trying to figure out how to best tell you this for like a week now. That probably sounds weird, but I just really feel like you deserve the best praise I can give. I still don’t think I can even properly express to you just how fucking much I love it. I have to go ahead and try, though, because I can’t hold it in any longer.
I guess I need to first explain that my usual process when reading fics is to reblog after each chapter. This can take me some time because I try to pick out at least one thing about it that I really enjoyed and I don’t always have the brainpower to do that right away, so then I have to wait to move onto the next chapter. Anyway, I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit the past couple weeks that’s totally drained me mentally and I’ve been having a hard time gathering my thoughts and expressing them. Because of that, I read Psychomanteum all the way through. But I didn’t only read it that way because of my lack of brainpower, but also because I love it so damn much that I just couldn’t wait for potentially weeks to finish it all by going through my usual process. I most definitely will be rereading it more than once, and I promise you, I will reblog every chapter with at least a little feedback for each one. That’s important to me.
Anyway, here’s the part (telling you how I feel about your fic) that I don’t really know how to properly express because my brain sucks right now. But I’m gonna try my best…
Psychomanteum is one of my favorite things I’ve ever read. Like not just fanfic. Out of everything I’ve ever read. No joke. You can fucking WRITE! Holy fucking shit, you write so beautifully. I’m moved by every word. Everything about it is just wonderful. Dieter was already one of my favorite PP characters, but now, because of your fic, he’s even more special to me. I love your Dieter so much. And I love Reader/Lua just as much. I feel like I can fully immerse myself into this world because it feels so real. When I’m reading it, everything else around me dissolves and fades away and it’s just me and your story. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that I never want to get off of. I read chapter 10 last night and that’s when I decided I couldn’t wait any longer to reach out to you. I cried. It moved me so much, I fucking cried. But a good cry!
It’s truly one of most beautiful stories I’ve ever read. Thank you so much for sharing it. It’s been a huge source of comfort for me. Extra thanks for that. You should also know that I didn’t just stumble across it on my dash. A friend highly recommended it to me. She was blown away by it, too. I recommended it to another friend and she’s now in love with it. It’s absolutely incredible. I’ll spread the word about it to anyone who will listen. Thank you again. ❤️
Hi Sarah!!!
This made me cry so much. Happy tears! I wanna frame this and put it on my wall. Thank you thank you thank you! I’m super duper awkward and terrible at accepting compliments but I will remember this when the imposter syndrome gets loud 🖤🖤🖤 Psychomanteum is my baby and I’m so proud.
I feel like my response isn’t adequately expressing just how touched I am, but I assure you I’m so fucking stoked.
Don’t worry about reblogging all the chapters, honestly, you don’t have to do that. It takes up a ton of emotional bandwidth and I promise I see you and hear you and appreciate you. Thank you to your friend for the recommendation, and thank YOU AGAIN for reading and recommending it to other people. You fucking rule 😭🖤✨
5 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
123456sislover
sinan
imannaanna
It's never wrong to do the RIGHT thing.
victimeyez
Whump There It Is
indigodoc
Dr Christy
