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kathyprior4200 · 10 months

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Helluva Boss S2: E5: Unhappy Campers

Part One: Millie Finds Her Way

Blitzo shoved open the door to the I.M.P. office, a grumpy look on his face. His face was muddy and his clothes were dirty and torn, with lavender-colored leaves from bushes. Moxxie and Millie had been talking to a client at their desk when all three froze to stare at Blitzo.

“Sir, what happened to you?” Millie wondered out loud.

Blitzo slouched past the Hel-9000 fax machine printer and past the picture with a stick figure Blitzo with a gun and a pink pony.

Moxxie stood up. “Sir! There’s a client here who wants to…”

Blitzo ignored him and stomped straight into his office, slamming the door.

Millie chuckled nervously, turning to the visitor. “I’m sorry, you were saying?”

Their client was a tall aquatic sinner demon with a torn short white shirt and a green piece of a yin-yang symbol as a necklace. He had gray skin, finned fingers, and dark-teal long hair that looked like seaweed. He had dark long pants, dark shoes and his chest glowed teal blue and watery. One of his eyes glowed neon green, his teeth sharp. Formerly on Earth, he had been a regular man with white skin and long dark hair.

“Well, it’s just that I’m sure one of the other camp counselors killed me. I’m just not sure which one,” he said with a shrug, hands out.

“How could you not know?” Moxxie asked, raising an eyebrow.

The aquatic demon continued. “I was out on the lake when my boat started to sink. Someone had drilled holes in it. The counselors are the only ones with keys to the boathouse, and they’re the only ones who knew I couldn’t swim. It had to be them.”

“Hmm, we don’t typically do investigations,” said Moxxie, “I’ll have to check with the boss.”

Moxxie opened Blitzo’s door. “Uh, pardon moi, sir.”

Blitzo glared at Moxxie as he flipped through address files on a rotary.

“Not now, Mox.”

“Sir, there’s client that needs us to investigate his death and we don’t usually…”

“No tiiime,” Blitzo replied.

Moxxie rubbed his neck. “But sir, we really need the cashflow, and I was thinking maybe…”

“What part of ‘NO. FUCKING. TIIIIIME.’ do you not understand?!” Blitzo yelled, facing Moxxie. “Just handle it yourself.”

“You want me to lead? On a hit?”

Blitzo seethed and slammed his hands on the desk. “I swear on all that is evil, Mox, if you aren’t out of my office in negative three seconds…”

“Yooou GOT IT, SIR!”

Moxxie slammed the door and then turned back around to Millie and the client.

“We’ll take the case!” he beamed. “And I’ll be handling this investigation personally!” He jabbed a thumb to himself.

“Honey, are you sure? What about Blitz?” asked Millie, gesturing to the door.

“Honey, honey, please. Blitz put me in charge this time.”

“He did?!”

Moxxie narrowed his eyes and Millie quickly added, “Oh! I mean, he…HE DID!”

“Right!” said Moxxie to the client. “And this is going to be the cleanest, most well-prepped, most surgical hit we’ve ever had! Don’t worry, sir! We’ll find your killer and give him what’s coming to him. And/or her…or they.”

Moxxie and Millie later stood by a police investigation whiteboard where Moxxie had posted up pictures of fliers, boat outlines, and strings leading to different pictures around the white board and the walls. Moxxie peered closely at his work while holding an I.M.P. file folder. One flier had a picture of a magnifying glass and black footprints.

“Mox…” Millie began. “Are you sure this isn’t a little…much?”

“It’s my first lead, Mils, it has to be…perfect.” Moxxie said “perfect” in an accent. “Now in front of you, you’ll find a comprehensive guide to your cover persona. Memorize it, we’ve got a lot of work to do.”

They used the grimoire to make a portal to enter Earth.

0 0 0

Near a cabin in the woods, several kids were running around, laughing as they squirted each other with water guns. A fat boy walked holding a bag and wore the camp t-shirt with a “C” in a green triangle as the logo. Three preteen girls were sitting at a wooden picnic table. A camp counselor lady with brown hair stood wearing green shorts and a shirt with a whistle around her neck. On a wooden sign with wooden mountains on the top was “CAMP IVANNAKUMMORE.”

Millie and Moxxie stood off to the side with their human disguises. Moxxie wore a short dark blue tube top, torn pink pants, a heart collar, and magenta high boots. He had fake eyelashes and a wig of white ponytails covering his horns. Millie wore shoes, dark gray pants, fingerless gloves, a black shirt with a yellow lightning bolt and a circle on it, plus a wig of long dark hair and a yellow beanie hat.

“Okay, Millie, one last time for safety,” Moxxie said. He straightened up and pulled back his top, his claws covered by fake pink nails.

Moxxie spoke in a girly teenage voice, “I’m Moxxine, the hottest, most popular girl at my school, and you are?” He examined his nails.

Millie spoke in a low voice. “Your boyfriend Millerd, I like sports and fucking bitches!” Millie made thrusting movements.

“Hmm, you know these kids are a bit younger than I was expecting. Maybe lose that last part,” Moxxie mentioned.

“Check!” Millie said in her boyish voice.

“Alright, I think we’re ready,” said Moxxie.

“Hey, Mox!” Millie spoke, pointing ahead. “Check out that shady looking fella over there.”

Moxxie and Millie spied a blonde man with glasses glancing around by the log cabins. He side-walked near the bushes.

“I think that’s our guy.”

“Ahem, Millie,” said Moxxie in a girlish voice, “I hardly think pointing out the first guy you see is the proper way to conduct an…”

Millie peered through her binoculars. “No that’s definitely him. That bag’s full of money and drugs and what looks like a drill one would use to poke holes in a boat.”

Sure enough, the man scooped up the fallen money and needles and hurried off, a drill in his hand.

“But-but that’s all circumstantial at best! We need to methodically eliminate all suspects until we can be sure…”

“Now he’s looking around and heading into that locked boathouse we heard about!” Millie declared.

The man headed inside, peering around to make sure no one was there. Next to him were missing posters of the drowned counselor. “Missing: last seen next to the lake. If you have information please call (xxx) xxx-xxxx.” Another set of red eyes in the cabin glared outside.

“That would be the perfect place to…”

She glanced at Mox before sighing. “Fine, Mox, we’ll do it your way.”

Moxxie grinned. “With my sleuthing skills and your killer eye, we should have this wrapped up in no time. Now we just have to find the kids with the most influence.”

Moxxie spotted the three teen girls sitting at the picnic table.

“Oh, target acquired,” he said in a girly voice. He headed off.

The girl with long orange hair began, “So he snorted a whole line of ground up mints, and tried to convince us he was high. Can you even believe him?”

The girls laughed and Moxxie walked toward them.

“Ground up mints, you say? Derek must be a riot.”

“Who the fuck are you?” asked the leader girl.

“I’m Moxxine, the prettiest girl at my school. A more mature preteen who likes boys, hot cars, fancy jewelry…”

Another girl scoffed, “You call yourself the prettiest when you probably spent three years in a tanning bed.”

“It’s uh, natural?” Moxxie added.

“Yeah, you wish,” said the orange-haired girl. “That botch job looks like it cost five bucks in an alley behind Walmart.”

The other girls snickered.

“Have you seen anyone doing drugs around here?” Moxxie asked.

“Other than you maybe? I don’t think so,” said another girl.

“Get lost you fucking freak!” they all said, pointing off to the left. Moxxie slouched off.

Meanwhile, a volleyball rolled and stopped in front of Millie.

“Hey!” waved a blonde girl to Millie at a volleyball court near the lake.

Millie smiled and decided to play along. She carried the volleyball in her hands and headed down to the campers.

The girls at the picnic table watched as Millie passed the ball to her teammate, a dark-skinned boy.

“Oh my god! Who is that?!”

“Look how beautifully tan he is!” said the leader. The dark-skinned girl blew bubblegum and stood up to get a closer look.

“What?!” Moxxie called in disbelief.

The boy bounced the ball in the air.

“I got it!” called Millie in her boyish voice. She leaped into the air and spiked the ball over the net…

…hitting a blonde boy in the face and sending him crashing to the ground. Everyone gasped as the boy lay in a crumpled Yamcha-like pose in a cracked crater. The coach jumped from his stand and held the wounded boy in his arms.

“That was...” he began…

“…the best spike I’ve ever seen!” Tears were in his eyes.

The kids cheered and lifted Millie into the air.

“Please, I need medical attention…” the boy began.

“First Aid is for WINNERS!” the coach mocked.

All the girls admired Millie.

“Oh my god, he is so fucking HOT!” sighed the red-haired leader girl.

“Oh! Ya know he’s my boyfriend…” Moxxie began.

“FUCK OFF, TROLL!” another girl barked before the girls walked off.

Later, Millie happily leaped from a cliff and jumped from side to side onto wooden boards. She leaped onto a wooden high bar- twirled at rapid speed and shot into the air…

And in a fiery comet, smashed the blonde boy into the ground. Everyone cheered louder.

“Mox! Did you see? I broke the record on the course!”

“Mhmm. I saw.” Moxxie smiled forcefully.

“Can you believe this? Everyone LOVES me, they’re cheering, they even posted videos of me online! Look!”

Heart emojis popped up on her phone after the replay of Millie smashing the kid into the ground. Millie’s phone was red with flame designs on it.

A Millie icon appeared over the bold white lyrics as Millie sang karaoke style, amazed and also unsure of all the rockstar fame she was getting.

“EVERY DAY!

AS I WALK AROUND CAMP

ALL OF THESE GIRLS

FOLLOW ME AROUND

I DON’T KNOW WHY?

OR WHAT COULD IT BE???”

Millie smiled as she got into a group photo. The campers held out their phones for selfies around her. Millie danced with a girl with red hair.

A blonde girl came up close to Millie, wearing a cap with her face on it, a shirt with her face on it and a “MIL #1” orange cardboard glove showing a pointed finger on a hand.

“HEY MILLERD!

HAH!

WILL YOU TAKE A SELFIE WITH ME?!”

Her eyes bulged and her mouth foamed.

The crowd followed Millie and held up a banner that read “Millerd!” on it as they strolled by the cabins. One blonde boy replaced the American flag with a white flag with Millie’s disguised face on it. Millie posed on a picnic table.

“AH-WA-OH!

I’M A REGULAR JOE

AH-WA-OH!

I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW

AH-WA-OH!

I’M SIMPLE AND PLAIN…

WHY DO ALL THESE GIRLS

KEEP SCREAMING MY NAME???”

“MILLERD!”

Millie paddled a canoe and two girls stared admiringly at her. (Moxxie’s canoe tipped over and sunk).

“MILLERD?!”

“AH! MILLERD, I LOVE YOU!”

Millie led a hike and stood on a log, pointing forward. (Moxxie fell into a pit.)

Millie happily sat with two girls by a campfire. (Moxxie’s s’more stick caught on fire and he frantically smashed it around on the ground.)

Millie smiled as she wore gold sunglasses, a white Greek-style outfit and a golden laurel on her head. She relaxed on a lounge chair as girls fanned her with leaves. One fed her purple grapes.

“I’M SO ORDINARY

JUST A COMMON DUDE

BUT THEY’RE ALL UP IN MY DMS

THEY KEEP SENDING ME NUDES?!?”

Even the blonde naked man in the picture stretched out to kiss her, much to her disgust.

“I’M NOTHING SPECIAL

I’LL TELL YOU IT’S TRUE”

The comments appeared in the eight million + viewer video of Millie being awarded seven gold star medals, a trophy, and a Grammy award.

“I LOVE YOU MILLERD! <3”

“I’M NOT OKAY!”

(Flame emojis)

“OMG DESERVED”

“millerd is the best uwu”

“CLICK HERE FOR PRIZE scam.ly”

“I LOVE YOU”

“HE ATE!”

“Sub 2 my channel”

“Hermoso” (heart emoji)

“LOOK AT HIM”

“ILY MILLERD”

“he’s so hottt”

“I love him, I LOVE HIM”

“MILLERD: Sub 2 me pls”

“SLAY KING” (crown emoji)

The blonde super fan girl leaned over and yelled,

“BUT MILLERD, OVER HERE! I BAKED A CAKE FOR YOU!” She held a brown, orange, and white cake with a figure of Millie in her guy disguise on top.

Later as the sun set, an airplane flew overhead with a flag of Millie’s face on it. Her face was also on several blimps in the sky. With a microphone, Millie sang on stage under a large “MILLERD!” banner and more campers took selfies and videos on their phones.

“AH-WA-OH!

I’M A REGULAR JOE!

AH-WA-OH!

I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW!

I’M SO SIMPLE AND PLAIN

I WISH ALL THESE GIRLS…

WOULD STOP SCREAMING MY NAME!”

“OH MILLERD! LOVE YOU, MILLERD!” called the blonde fan girl.

Millie stood proudly on stage, glad to feel appreciated after feeling in competition with her brothers and sister.

0 0 0

TUESDAY: Moxxie climbed to the top of a pine tree, looking for the drug counselor through binoculars. He got hit with a volleyball and fell down from a tree.

WEDNESDAY: Millie led a team of campers canoeing across the lake. Moxxie searched for the suspect, wearing a mask and snorkel. Unfortunately, he got thrashed around by a shark similar to the one from the Harvest Moon Festival.

THURSDAY: Millie successfully shot her arrow through a red apple on a boy’s head as the sky turned a beautiful pink and purple. Moxxie peered through binoculars in a bush, dodging the arrow…but soon screamed as he was being attacked by a black angry bear.

FRIDAY: Posters were passed around, reading, “MILLERD: CAMP IVANNAKUMMORE, July 17th at 7PM.” The coach/lifeguard handed Millie the poster and he winked at her with a finger snap gesture. Millie beamed in excitement.

0 0 0

“OHH MOXXIE! THAT WAS SO FUN! No wonder you sing all the time!”

Millie twirled and laughed as she held a golden bouquet of white daisies in her hands.

“Not exactly a low profile…” Moxxie leaned against a cabin wall, eyes downcast.

“I know…but it’s kinda nice having people cheer for me for once, ya know? Instead of…”

She dramatically ripped the bouquet and opened her jaws, “…screaming in PAIN and HORROR!”

“Don’t forget what we’re here to do, Millie,” Moxxie reminded her, clapping a fist against his other hand.

“I haven’t. I’m just waitin’ until you’re ready. Have you been able to eliminate any suspects?”

“No.”

Millie held up two worn daggers. “If you want, we can off the guy right now! I think he’s alone in the cabin…”

She wandered forward.

“No!” Moxxie pulled her back. “I have to do this right.”

Moxxie swore under his breath as “BITCH” was spray-painted in black on his tent nearby.

0 0 0

Later that night by the campfire, Millie did an epic banjo solo. She leaped over the fire and posed on her knees as everyone cheered.

(EPIC BANJO SOLO)

(MILLERD IS REAL COOL)

(WOW, YOU GONNA CRY, MOXXINE? CRINGE.) (NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, MOXXINE)

Moxxie raced off and cried in an outhouse. Millie walked in the dark to the outhouse. Moxxie pulled out stickers and thorns in his pants.

“Moxxie? You okay?”

“GO AWAY!” Moxxie sobbed.

“Moxxie, what’s going on?”

“I’ve been having the worst luck imaginable! First, I try to eliminate any suspects and make it a perfect methodical mission. But everything is going wrong. I can’t find the guy! And all the girls hate me…and they all love you!”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Moxxie cried.

“Hey, you’re the best assassin/musician/preteen girl I know,” Millie encouraged.

“And investigator?”

“And investigator.”

Millie reached through the crescent moon window and touched Moxxie’s nails. “I know it’s been tough. Just keep playing to your strengths.”

“Okay,” said Moxxie. “Thank you.” Moxxie came out of the outhouse, facing Millie. Millie smiled.

“I have good news! Look Mox!” She held the poster in her hands, showing it to him. “They want me to perform on stage tomorrow tonight for the local news! These videos have made me some kind of human celebrity!” A pink bird flew happily around Millie’s head. Millie then gasped as several red-eyed crows attacked Moxxie around his head. He swatted the cawing birds away until they flew off.

Moxxie’s anger and frustration finally bubbled to the surface. “I’ve heard enough from you! And I’ve had enough of this place! Most of all, the attention you’re getting all the time is annoying!”

“Mox, what are you talking about? There’s no reason to be jealous of me!”

“Well, I am, alright?!” Moxxie sobbed again. “Being the son of a mob boss, you get used to the attention. And instead of focusing on the mission, you get distracted by swooning fangirls and dance for views!”

“What?! I only let the mission go this long, so I could do it YOUR WAY!” Millie retorted. “We could’ve completed this mission faster if you had just listened to me and let me finish off the guy in the beginning!”

“It was my first lead mission! I wanted it to be perfect!” Moxxie spat back.

Millie stomped toward him. “Well don’t blame me for it! It doesn’t matter how many views I get. What matters is how I feel about myself!”

She wiped tears from her eyes. “And for once, I feel like I’m…I’m important! Like I’m someone to be proud of! Not just some country girl blending in with her siblings.”

She stomped forward. “And I had hoped that my husband would support me better HALF as much as I’ve supported HIM this week! I’m not just your momma, you know!”

“Millie…I didn’t mean…”

“SAVE IT, MOX! Finish the job, go home if you want, I’m having my moment to shine, with or without you!”

Millie raced off in the dark, the Millerd flier floating to the ground.

“Oh crumbs…”

0 0 0

Later that night, the same night Blitzo entered the human world…

Millie peered through the red curtains at the crowd cheering for her.

“You ready to go on, champ?” asked the coach/lifeguard, holding a clipboard and holding out his pen.

“I guess…”

“Great, now get out there and put Camp IVANNAKUMMORE on the MAP!”

He lowered his sunglasses over his eyes and posed. More campers and kids cheered, wearing merchandise shirts and hats. The blonde super fan girl held a sign that read “MARRY ME, MILLERD!”

Millie took a breath and stepped onto the stage. More fans cheered, two of them were crying and hugging each other, waving a Millerd flag. A cameraman stood near the top off to the side. Millie flinched as a spotlight shone on her.

“Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls!” called a girlish voice. Moxxie rose up onto the stage from the floor and held a microphone. “ARE YOU READY FOR A SHOOOOOW?!”

The crowed booed and an African American girl yelled, “GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE!” Another girl flipped him the bird on both hands. Another yelled, “KILL YOURSELF, NERD!”

Moxxie continued. “I am very proud to introduce to you…someone with abilities never before seen on this Earth…”

Millie held her hands to her heart, smiling at Moxxie.

“Someone with the raw athletic skill of an Olympian…” Moxxie looked at her and smiled. “The voice of an angel…the acrobatic techniques of an indentured twelve-year old Russian ballerina…”

Millie waved her hands, saying “enough!”

“And a body that JUST. DOESN’T. QUIT.”

A few boys looked at each other, confused and disgusted at Moxxie’s butt.

Moxxie turned around and cleared his throat nervously. “The best and most supportive person I’ve ever known, and the love of my life. My wife…uhhhh boyfriend….Millerd!”

Millie sighed in relief as Moxxie headed her the microphone.

“Thank you,” said Millie.

“Knock’em dead, baby,” Moxxie grinned.

“Speaking of…” Millie added, as she spotted two figures heading toward a cabin with a bag.

“You sure?” Moxxie asked.

“Go get’em baby,” Millie smiled. They touched their heads and nuzzled.

Moxxie smiled as he pushed his way through the crowd, who glared at him. Millie did a Squidward/sexy look with her face and the crowd exploded with cheers. The show began.

Millie juggled four axes in her hands, much to the crowd’s amusement. She threw an ax into a target. Another ax hit a tree, which sent a beehive falling…

…into the blonde boy in the ground, who screamed in futility.

Millie then sat on a stool, holding a red triangular electric guitar in her hands. She began her song and stood up in a pose. She did a “rocker” hand signal as columns of sparks blasted upwards from the front of the stage.

Millie began her 80’s style rock anthem.

“OOOOH YOU’VE GOT THE POWER!

WAOOOOH!

OOOO! YOU’VE GOT THE POWER!”

Millie played a set of red drums, then yelled “YEAH!” as she strummed her guitar.

“A TALE AS OLD AS ROCK AND ROLL

WHEN YOU WIN, YOU’RE THE BEST

YOU WORK UNTIL YOU REACH THE GOAL FROM WITHIN

THAT’S THE TEST! WOAH! WOAH!

YOU FIGHT UNTIL YOU REACH THE TOP

TO RUB IT IN THEIR FACE! WOAH! WOAH!

YOU LOVE SO HARD, YOUR FLESH EXPLODES!

AND YOU WIN THE FUCKIN’ RAAAAAACE!”

She slammed the guitar down on the stage as white fireworks boomed.

She then spun black nun chucks in her hands.

“OOOOO! YOU’VE GOT THE POWER!”

Millie did a fighting pose as an explosion boomed behind her. A girl screamed as her hair caught on fire as the crowd did rocker signs and cheered.

“OOOOO! YOU’VE GOT THE POWER! WOOOAH!

“A HEAT SO HOT IT BURNS YOUR HOLE LIKE A FIRE WHEN YOU PEE!”

Millie breathed fire to light a torch and held a sword in her other hand. She swallowed the sword and it went down her throat point-first. She dropped her torch and dive-bombed into the crowd of kids. They all held her in the air as she strummed her guitar again.

“THE INNER FLAME INSIDE YOUR SOUL MAKES YOU CRY…VICTORY!

YOU FLEX YOUR CHEEKS UNTIL IT HURTS

YOU BUST OUT OF YOUR JEANS! WOAH! WOAH!

YOU BLOW YOUR LOAD ON ALL YOUR FOES!

AND DROWN OUT ALL THEIR SCREAMS!”

Millie jumped back on stage.

“OOOOH! YOU’VE GOT THE POWER!” Two streams of fire shot off to the left of Millie as she played. “WOAH!”

The coach smiled with his arms folded…until he got incinerated by the flames.

“OOOOH! YOU’VE GOT THE POWER! WOAH!”

More fireworks shot into the air and a red and yellow rocket flew off into the distance.

Millie smiled and posed on the stage, arms outstretched as the audience applauded. She bowed, before she saw Moxxie walk up to the stage, blood staining his wig. She walked over to him.

“Looks like you did it,” she said, referring to the death of the drug counselor killer.

“No…you did it,” Moxxie added, lifting her hands into his.

“I’m so proud of you, Millie,” Moxxie smiled. He looked to the side. “And I’m sorry I let you down.”

Millie picked him up in a hug and twirled him around. “Just don’t do it again, dummy!”

They kissed hard on stage until someone shouted, “Get a fucking room, high school sweethearts!”

Moxxie and Millie laughed and raced off into the bushes for some sexual privacy. The last thing they needed was to be infamous online for a scandalous public display of what many would assume to be incest.

0 0 0

Back at the I.M.P office, the whiteboard was covered in various drawings. “DIE” was written over a drawing of Loona killing the goat demon who had given her the shot at the vet’s office. “Days since last fuck up: 0” was written near small pony drawings. “Productivity brainstorm: CUM” was written off to the side.

“Gonna be honest, Moxxie,” said Blitzo, not too bad for your first solo mission.” He sipped hot coffee from a blood-stained white mug with “BOSS BITCH” on it.

Moxxie’s eyes sparkled and he gasped. “Reeeeally siiiir?”

“Nooo, no not really,” Blitzo deadpanned. “You’re a fucking disgrace.”

Moxxie slumped in disappointment as Millie glared at Blitzo. Loona was fast asleep on the table.

Part Two: Meet Barbie Wire

Back in the Sloth Ring, the sky a pale pink, Blitzo peered around a corner of the St. Ann’s (Satan’s) hospital. A thick canopy tree with giant yellow eyes in the leaves and a wavy purple trunk stood in the background. Seeing the coast was clear, he darted past a window. He wore his usual work outfit with a dark suit, dark boots and a torn dark blue cape trailing behind him. He raced across the grounds and climbed up a white downspout and inched his way, carefully sideways to the windows on the second floor. In the sky were floating trees on rocks and a few buildings. Blitzo peered inside and spotted silver Venus fly trap plants.

He lifted up the window, straining to get his horns through it…

“Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on…”

He rolled haphazardly inside…

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!”

…and landed on a heap on the tile floor. A poster with a happy cloud on it with a thumbs-up read “Enjoy your stay!” There was a nearby bookshelf, a pool table, a few red cloud-shaped couches, and Venus fly trap plants filled the room. Overhead was a chandelier of glowing lavender orbs, the lights producing a soothing atmosphere.

Blitzo was hoisting himself up when…

ZAP!

With a yell, the imp got tasered in the back. His butt stood up in the air.

“Well, if it isn’t the deadbeat,” scoffed a voice from behind him.

Blitzo stood up, brushing himself off. “Well, if it isn’t nurse pussy-face,” he responded.

The demon nurse stood with a hand on her hip, wearing a teal uniform. She had a nametag, and a pocket with the upside-down cross logo on it with a heart pencil and pen inside. She was heavyset, with floppy ears, pink skin, short dark hair and pointed black horns with white stripes. Her eyes were teal, her eyebrow thick and she had lipstick and a sideways mouth with sharp teeth. Like other denizens in Sloth, she had a candle at the top of her head and a pointed tail.

“You ain’t gettin’ in here,” she said to Blitzo, folding her arms. “How many times do I have to sodomize you with a taser before you take a hint?”

“As many as it takes to get me off, now enough with this foreplay, where’s Barb?”

“She checked out months ago, but that ain’t none of your business,” said the nurse.

“Wait, what?” Blitzo asked in shock. “How? This is…wh-where the fuck did she go?”

“Yeah, like I’m gonna tell you, ass clown,” she barked, holding up the taser in warning.

“You know I kill people for a living, right bitch?”

“Oh, I’m so FUCKIN’ scared,” she sarcastically responded.

“Ugh, fine,” Blitzo scoffed, stomping over toward the window.

“Blitz, she’s got a job now, a life,” mentioned the nurse. “Don’t fuck it up by finding her.”

Blitzo rolled his eyes as he climbed out the window. “Oh, that’s nice, why don’t you take that advice and shove it right between your pussy liiiipppps!”

Blitzo screamed as he fell to the ground. Amazingly, he survived.

0 0 0

Blitzo stomped in frustration into his office at I.M.P Headquarters, ignoring his employees. At his desk, Blitzo was talking on his cellphone and browsing on his red laptop. The logo on the laptop was a glowing white demon head. “RIDE ME” was written on Blitzo’s cellphone cover. There were two ads on the screen: one showed a pink succubus with her bare butt showing over blue flames. “Lusttinder (Tinder page for the Lust Ring, an app made by Asmodeus), “You’re right, your husband’s cock IS too small, find a bigger one NOW!"

And the other ad on Gaggle/Google: “CLICK ON THIS AD AND GET $100M! I’M NOT FUCKING WITH YOU DUDE, FOR THE LOVE OF SATAN JUST CLICK IT!”

Blitzo spotted Barbie Wire’s profile page. It had no profile picture and it read: “BARBIE WIRE: currently looking for work! Just got outta rehab. Previous Experience in a circus (performer). 217 followers. Barbie hasn’t posted recently. Experience: Acrobatics, Endurance, Stealth, Improv, Labor.”

“Why the fuck wouldn’t she tell you where she was going?! I mean did you even ask?! Wait hold on, I’m getting another call…hellooooo!” He paused. “Oh good, did you find…really? Where? Thanks, and I promise if we ever get a contract on your children, we’ll make it quick and painless…BYEEEE!”

Blitzo raced past his employees.

Meanwhile, In the Sloth Ring, Blitzo entered a room where pill bottles were stored on shelves. The wallpaper was pink and decorated with designs of hearts, pills, and health crosses. The double glass doors had a pill icon on them. The white-haired incubus was scrolling on his phone when Blitzo slipped up to the desk. He held out his phone with a picture of his sister on it.

“Hi, I’m looking for one of your employees. Her name is Barbie. Does she work here?”

“Wait, what? Who are you?” the incubus glared.

Blitzo grabbed him by his shirt and slammed him against the wall.

“Someone who’s gonna get reeeal creative if you don’t tell him what he wants!” Blitzo barked. He slapped the incubus on the face with his pointed tail. “Where is she, fucknut?”

Blitzo pressed harder. “I know you know! It only gets worse from here, asshole!”

The incubus raised his white hands. “Okay! Okay! She’s out on a pickup!”

Blitzo lowered him. “Where?”

“In the Lust Ring!”

So Blitzo traveled to the Lust Ring and slammed a smaller incubus against an alley wall. “Have a Robo Fizz personal companion!” was advertised on a flier. Another poster read in neon pink letters, “Welcome to the LUST RING! Have an eXXXtraordinary stay!”

“It’s here man, I swear!” cried the small incubus to Blitzo.

Blitzo raised his flintlock pistol threateningly and held it under his chin. “Open it!”

The long black-haired incubus raised his hands and pulled out a large crystal on a ring. It was a magical Asmodean crystal, used by succubi and incubi under Asmodeus to travel to Earth to torment humans. The incubus pointed the crystal and a diamond shimmering portal appeared to a forest on Earth.

“Thanks, chump,” Blitzo grinned. He tossed the incubus away (he fell into a dumpster) and jumped through the portal.

0 0 0

Moxxie peered over the bushes and spied on two figures entering the cabin and closing the door. Moxxie turned around and made his way through them. He stumbled downward and landed on…

“What in the…SIR?!”

…the back of his boss.

Blitzo shoved Moxxie off him.

“MOXXIE?! What the fuck are you doing here?!”

“Trying to finish the job you gave me,” Moxxie replied.

“Christ on a stick, you’re still working on that? It’s been like a fucking week. THIS is why I don’t trust you with dick, Mox,” Blitzo remarked.

Moxxie followed Blitzo and both of them snuck up to the cabin. They pressed their back against the wall.

“And what exactly are you doing here, sir?”

“Apparently helping finish your botched job,” Blitzo glared. “But mostly I’m looking for my sister…”

Knowing the killer camp counselor lurked inside, Blitzo kicked down the door. There was a small green boat in the middle of the water. Near the “Missing” fliers were packs of drugs stacked on top of each other off to the side. Sunlight shone through the holes in a cloth over an opening.

Sure enough, the counselor was there, looking like a surprised innocent white nerd. He had dirty blonde short hair, glasses, a small beard, and wore a camp cap, brown shorts, brown boots, and a green shirt.

But he was not alone. A slender woman stood behind him, wearing a short torn black sleeveless jacket and a torn dress with red and white stripes on it. She wore dark tall boots and a gold watch on her right wrist. Her fingers were claws and some white lines and Xs scarred her light brown arms. The woman’s hair was a reddish brown with two large ponytails that curled inward like horns. Blitzo spotted the black Mammon circus mark on her forehead, crossed out by a white X. It was the same mark that Blitzo, Fizzarolli and his family had on their foreheads.

As soon as he spotted the crossed-out mark, he knew who it was.

“BARBIE?!” Blitzo asked in shock.

“BLITZ?!” Barbie Wire cried, equally surprised.

“You know her?” Moxxie asked.

“Do I know her? That’s my sister, fuckface!” Blitzo replied.

“What the fuck are you doing here, shithead?!” Barbie barked.

“I should be asking you the same thing!” Blitzo fired back. “You check yourself out of rehab, no call, no note…and I have to track you down to this shithole with…” he paused, looking at the man. “…who the fuck is this?”

Barbie put a hand over his face. “No one, he works for me. And who’s the little twink here?” She looked at Moxxie.

Blitzo covered Moxxie’s face with his hand. “No one…he works for me.”

“Sir! That guy’s the target!” Moxxie called.

Blitzo smirked and folded his arms. “Oh shit, Barb! Looks like your little boy toy got himself into some trouble.”

“The fuck are you talking about?” Barbie asked.

“He killed our client and now our client wants to kill him back,” Moxxie explained. Blitzo nodded.

Barbie turned to the man in anger. “You fucking WHAT?!”

The man shrugged. “He found out about your drugs.”

Barbie waved a hand. “I don’t want to fucking hear it, kid!” She turned to Blitzo and Moxxie, pointing. “Look, you’re not killing my supplier!”

Blitzo put a hand to his head. “Oh fuck…supplier of what? You’re not back on that H-8 are you?” Blitzo pointed an accusing finger. Moxxie pulled out a worn dagger.

Barbie rolled her eyes. “FUCK NO, it’s just heroin!”

“Oh thank, Satan,” Blitzo sighed. “So now you’re peddling heroin? What’s the point? That shit barely gets rid of a headache.”

The three individuals stepped closer toward the middle of the space, save for the man who hid behind the drugs.

“It’s honest work, okay?” Barbie said. “And I thought it would be sure to keep me as far away from you as possible.”

Moxxie waved his knife. “And you teamed up with genius here because…?”

“Do you have any idea how easy teenage humans are to manipulate?” Barbie smirked, mentioning to her partner.

“Heeey! No, I’m not!” the man protested.

Barbie turned to him, widening her eyes. She moved her butt seductively, showing her black underwear, and spoke in a babyish voice.

“Oh Jimmy-wimmy, can you pwease keep loading up deez druggie-wuggies for me?”

Jimmy blushed, raising his eyebrows. “Heh, sure Barb. Whatever you say.”

“Sir…” Moxxie fumed to Blitzo. “I’ve spent a week on this…” He held up his knife. “I’m finishing it, one way or another…”

Barbie stepped forward, sharp teeth bared, her eyes briefly glowing white. “DON’T YOU DARE!”

The four of them then got into a brawl. After briefly noticing the fireworks outside, Moxxie growled and leaped toward Jimmy with his weapon. Jimmy flinched as Moxxie was thrown into the water by Barbie’s long pointed tail. Barbie pressed a button on her Asmodean Crystal and she morphed into her demon imp form. Her skin was red and her horns were black and curved with small white stripes.

“Come on Blitzo,” she mocked, using the “o” in his name on purpose to annoy him, “…Haven’t you fucked my life up enough already?!”

Moxxie reached out a hand and crawled out of the water toward Jimmy. Barbie pulled him back with her tail and he fell into her. He landed some fists near her face. The frightened Jimmy hoped over the drugs and raced toward the door. He frantically pulled on the knot holding the cloth and flinched back as Moxxie’s dagger hit the spot where he had been.

Barbie was chocking Moxxie and Blitzo was choking Barbie as they struggled to free themselves. Moxxie fell to the ground and Barbie held him down with a hand. She punched his head before Blitzo removed her hand. Moxxie crawled away from Barbie and raced toward Jimmy. He leaped off the boat and lunged for him. He punched him in the face before Barbie raced over and attempted to start the boat. Moxxie knocked her off to the side and moved Jimmy’s head toward the deadly motor blades of the boat. Barbie knocked Moxxie down with a hard punch to his head. Blitzo retaliated by pulling his sister up in a headlock.

Moxxie attempted to catch Jimmy again, the man screaming in fear. Barbie tackled Moxxie to the ground in midair. Moxxie stood up, accidentally stepping onto Blitzo’s head. Barbie leaned back and pulled hard at Moxxie’s wig. Jimmy shivered with fear further back. Blitzo’s eyes were swollen and he took tired breaths. Moxxie choked Jimmy again as Barbie growled and jabbed him in the face with her elbow. Eventually, Moxxie was thrown against the wall, eye makeup melting around his eyes. He pulled his knife from the wall and stalked toward Jimmy once again, teeth barred. As Jimmy stepped back, Barbie cut in front of Moxxie, landing punches of her own while dodging his knife. She also shoved Jimmy aside. She punched Moxxie in the face, holding his wrist and he jabbed her in the abdomen. The knife fell and he grabbed it. Moxxie was about to grab him when Barbie tackled him from behind. Barbie held Moxxie down as Blitzo shoved Jimmy into the water.

Not too long after, Barbie choked Blitzo near the steps. Moxxie had a cut on his forehead, staring with menace at Jimmy. With a bloodied mouth, Jimmy pleaded for mercy. Barbie tackled Moxxie again before he could reach him. All three imps growled and tugged at each other, while Jimmy crept up the steps. He grabbed a package of heroin and threw it into the imps. Their eyes turned black and they roared primal roars. Jimmy stood on the boat in fear. In a split second he spotted the firework rocket heading toward him through a window…

BOOM!

Jimmy’s head exploded and the imps got rained in blood.

“SATAN FUCKING DAMMIT!” Barbie bellowed in rage. “Thanks a lot, Blitzo, I’m out of a job! FUCK!”

She stomped off.

“Barb, wait!” Blitzo cried, wanting to make amends. “I want to help you…let me help you. Please? You’re clean now, right? Let’s grab dinner, we’ll catch up and we’ll talk about…”

Barbie let out a forced laugh and turned back to her brother. “You don’t fucking GET IT!” She jabbed her finger into his chest. “Just cause I’m outta rehab, doesn’t mean I wanna see you. I NEVER WANNA see you EVER!”

Barbie marched off and pressed her Asmodean Crystal. A shimmering diamond portal appeared, leading back to the Sloth Ring. She stepped through it and peered out.

“Next time you wanna find me Blitzo…DON’T!”

She vanished and the portal closed. Blitzo stood heartbroken and Moxxie had his head in his hands. Blood covered the floors, walls, and the imps. Blitzo couldn’t believe after all the time he spent searching for her, she had vanished again. What had he done to hurt her so horribly?

#helluvaboss

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