(it's like 3am but I'mma just dump all my thoughts for my Self insert here, fuck grammar and all that other stuff-)

((update: it's almost 6am but I got some shit done!!))

Sage Larkspur, also known as "Queen of Baked goods" is a young woman trying to make a living with her older Brother, Maximilian Larkspur, by opening their own little Café right in Big Jack's territory.

They would've opened one somewhere else if rent wasn't so expensive, and the place comes with an apartment right over it!

They get by pretty well, their pastries, cakes and pies and etc. sell well and they're happy, people start talking and more customers start coming. Everyone is happy!

Well, not *everyone*. Jack catches word of this café and pretty much is just like "da fuq kinda creatures can serve better pies than me!?".

He sends out a few of his men or some fuckn spies to check the place out, just to see if he *really* has to worry about it, after all, it's just a small Café, right?

It's true, It's usually pretty quiet but on the day he sent out his spies it was absolutely *packed*. They had a bit of trouble with just getting inside the place.

Once they were in and able to get their hands on some of the treats, they were blown away! Like damn, that's a mean fuckn pie for such a small (and kinda shitty) place.

The customer service is also great! No insults, no degrading comments or threaths, hell, NO ONE FUCKN DIES, and an overall pleasent atmosphere.

Sage and Max have a lot of work, being the only people that work there, but they sure do a good job! If a customer has an extra wish or something, they'll happily fulfill it.

Max is full of Energy and Joy, doing his best to make even the most sad customer whose having a horrible day smile! (And giving them an extra treat on the house) and he sure as hell ain't letting them leave if he doesn't see a toothy grin!

Sage on the other is more calmer, but still just as kind, calling customers by let names, for example:"Mornin Sugar" "hey there, lil sunshine" "how's it going sweet pea?" "Anything else, honey?" And so on, she does her best to make every customer feel like a part of the family (sometimes you just need to be treated like family by strangers, admit it, it's nice)

(only time when the get pissy is if a customer starts some shit or is hurting someone and other bad stuff. Better be nice, otherwise a big knife is flying right past your head. You go there to get a little bit of peace in your day and just enjoy your time there, NOT start useless fight!)

Anyway, once Jack's henchman return (right after getting rid of all their treats, yum!) They inform him that this little business is going well, *too well* for his tatse.

He sends em back and tells them to wreck the place once night comes around, how dare another baking business be better than HIS?!

They feel a teensy tiny bit bad about doing so, but they'd rather lose some baked treats than their life's.

So yeah, they go to wreck the place, but whatever they do, nothing happens to the place, throwing rocks at the windows? they bounce right back. trying to kick the door down? The door hits em right back. Trying to light the place aflame? Fire immediately gets extinguished. Yeah, whatever they try to do, it backfires.

They go back to Jack to tell him what's going on, he's beyond pissed and sends em away (after like an hour long degrading talk about how incompetent they are to wreck *one* tiny Café)

He takes matters into his own hands and visits the place himself a few days later, he's a little shocked when he See's just how many people go there. He sticks around the area because he wants to talk to the Owners. *Alone.*

Evening rolls around, the last few customers leave and the siblings are about to close up, until Jack enters. Max is the first to notice him, but when he See's *who* just walked his smile immediately drops, he stammers out a "W-we're sorry sir, but we're a-already closed ffor the d-day..." Jack gives him a look down and chuckles to himself, ("damn, this bitch be scared as hell")

Sage soon walks in and stops, stares at Jack then at Max, back to Jack and one last time to Max, nodding at him with a smile.

S: "Well hello there Mr.Horner, it's an honor to have you, but we're sorry, we're closing right now, you can come back tomorrow. When you do that, I'll be sure to prioritize you over the other customers!"

Jack of course doesn't take that shit and tells em to pack up or he'll do it for them, Max tells Sage that they maybe should do just that, but she ain't budging.

S: "Why should we? we're just doing our job. Knowing you, you wouldn't do this unless we might be an actual threat to you and your busin-- wwwaaaait. Is Lil Jack Horner scared of a little competition?? My, oh my, this day just keeps gettin better and better!"

Jack's probably fuming at this point, but before he can say anything, Sage gently pushes him outside.

S: "Listen, sweetheart. We don't want any trouble, we're just trying to make a living here. So do me a favour, and just leave us be. And please don't send your goons to destroy this place again, it ain't gonna work."

With that she smiles at him one last time and locks the door behind him, closing the curtains and leaving Jack absolutely bamboozled outside the door.

((I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I'll work it out somehow, btw. This is gonna be like an enemy to business partners to friends and eventually to lovers kinda thing. For anyone who read this horrid mess of thought: THANK YOU!! It really means a lot to me that anyone would have this much patience with my messy ass! I might post a drawing/picrew of her and her brother later in the day)

i’d love to hear your thoughts about nabu/helia’s dynamic 💔💔

dude,,, WELL fair warning this might get long i'm not sure yet this is all based on vibes but knowing me and how much i can spin about helia it's probably gonna be a feast

,,,

ANYWAY dude i'm obssesed with them. i think what really makes them interesting is how they bonded over helping riven! like,, the funny thing about helia is that you think he'd be the kinda guy to really only get close to people who are like him. maybe it's because he's an artist, maybe it's the pacifist comment, who fucking knows, but you see him and you think "he probably won't get close to people that are very different from him". BUT THEN!! it ends up being the complete opposite!! helia is much closer to riven and timmy than he is sky and brandon who, for all intents and purposes, are much more similar to him in terms of personalities and morals.

and while we didn't get a good handle on nabu, i think he's similar in that regard. which is fucking hilarious!! you'd think they would get really close since they have similar personalities, morals, and even interests. but they're really only friendly to each other because they aren't assholes, not because they're drawn to each other. and they only end up getting close because of riven being a mutual friend and wanting to help him

the way they go about helping riven is also really similar! they help when he asks, but try not to push him too hard. they give emotional advice and prep talks, as well as advice to fix things with musa. and they try to amp him up when their advice doesn't work (which also as much as i love s4 for all the interactions,,, the oocness for all of them really peeves because y'all know damn well helia's great advice wouldn't be Give Her Presents).

i just think it's so cute how they bonded over their shared interest of Must Help Riven!! like they really adore him so much, despite nabu knowing him for like a year at this point and riven being incredibly pissy with helia at first.

and then,,, the out of universe explanation is obviously just rainbow being rainbow but IN UNIVERSE the death scenes and mourning scenes are really interesting with helia? when the specialists are running toward everyone, helia is at the same pace/ahead of the others but when they pan the shot to when everyone is stopped and staring, he's behind the over guys. which means he either stopped before them (probably in shock) or took a step back. AND THEN during the mourning scene, he straight up isn't shown! everyone else is shown being sad except for florelia which is so weird to me??? but if i'm really thinking about in universe reasons, i'm thinking it's because helia is probably used to this, knew it was gonna happen at some point but was just shocked that it happened to the New Guy first, and someone as powerful as nabu for that matter!

i really do think helia knows the risks of being a specialist/hero in a much more realistic way than some of the others (like when sky says he never thought it would happen to them). they're just so used to being the Heroes That Save The Day and only come close to dying but don't actually die. and they're all just so young yknow? they've thought about it, they've been scared because of it, but there's always a hint of "not us though right?". but helia really doesn't have that. however, i don't think he ever expected it to be nabu who went first.

ANYWAY i just think they're so interesting!! and in my head, nabu is still alive so i love thinking about them in the future too. i have sooo many hcs for how they're relationship could've progressed (as well as them + riven) if nabu hadn't died and bro... i am mourning :')

like....I’ve never had a blessed birthday as this one...in a way? despite the home office situation I basically got to talk to most of my friends and many more which rarely happens on bd’s. corona is a bitch - a damn motherfucker. but ...it turns out that it can accidentally make for nice birthdays? 

Red Lights

Uzui x Sanemi’s Tsugoku Reader

Uzui’s a flirt, but it’s not like he means it. Right?

Mostly gender neutral but they do take the place of a “girl” in the red light district

Cross posted on Ao3 (sequel will be Ao3 only)

(1,584 words)

————————

“Why the hell is he here?” You stared Sanemi down, he’d recently taken you on as his Tsugoku.

Sanemi rolled his eyes at you before gesturing to your crow. “Probably got the same orders as us. Red Light district is his specialty after all.” You grunted and sat down next to the tea table the wisteria houses owners set up. Now at least you knew why you’d gotten sucked into this damn mission.

Sanemi finally got fed up with your attitude and Uzui’s smug grin, “What’s the plan Uzui?”

“They’re going to get dressed up and you’re going to try and sell them to one of the houses on the list I gave you earlier. Once they’re in I’ll pose as a customer, it shouldn’t take too long for the demon to show up after that. They have a type.” He slid his eyes over to you and you suppressed the heat gathering in your cheeks.

“What is that? Bastards?” You quipped. Sanemi rolled his eyes.

Uzui leaned forward, “No he doesn’t really care about the clients, just the pretty face of the girls.”

You snorted, “You definitely chose the wrong person for this mission then.”

Sanemi let out an agrivated sigh, “Too fuckin bad then. You’re here because it’s a high level mission. We can spare any more lower ranks to this.” If Sanemi said it was final, it was final. No more complaints allowed.

Why did you respect him again?

You dressed yourself easily and efficiently, but Uzui insisted on doing your makeup though. A simple stained lip, rosy cheeks, and charcoal to line your eyes. Sanemi gave you a mirror and it was kind of odd to see yourself looking so… nice. You ignored Uzui’s snarky remark about if you were sure you were still the wrong person for the job. He was just annoying you on purpose.

Sanemi held out his elbow and you latched onto it, these shoes were higher than you were used to and you needed the support. He guided you to the first of the houses and they talked about your skills. Good at housework—you prefered it to the Kakushi’s help, trained in basic medical aid—Sanemi wouldn’t survive with out you at the rate he rips himself open, and orderly—okay maybe you were a bit of a control freak with how you liked things to be set up.

They’d taken him up on his offer immediately. The Matron led you through the house to a room. “This is where you’ll sleep if you don’t have a client, the other lower girls sleep in here too so be prepared for that. Tomorrow I’ll teach you proper etiquette for serving a guest, then you’ll see to your first client. Today you’ll help around the house, the other girls may be able to give you a tip or two.” You just nodded and followed along. You couldn’t sense anything inside the house, so you’d keep your gaurd up, but try not to stand out.

The day was slow going, but eventually you were sent off to bed. You laid down to rest and slipped into the light sleep most slayers experienced. You woke up early the next morning and prepared yourself before the matron arrived.

“Oh how wonderful! Such good habits!” She praised you as she checked over your work, “Well balanced makeup, perfect posture, goodness I really got a deal with you dear. Come along, we’re going to teach you in the kitchen so we can work on cooking as well as practice.” God you hated this already.

After an exhausting day of training and cooking you were sent to bed again. Why the hell did you have to do this mission. It was worse than Sanemi’s training sessions. You fell asleep after just a few moments.

When you woke up you once again got ready. The matron arrived and led you to a small room where several girls sat and waited for customers. Just, sitting and looking pretty, what a waste. Soon enough an annoyingly tall figure walked into the building. Uzui was almost unrecognizable besides his height.

You could hear one of the girls whispering to another, “I feel sorry for the poor girl who gets stuck with him. Hopefully he doesn’t want any special performances.” You tried not to let their comments get to you, knowing he was just doing this all for the mission. You couldn’t hear him talking with the owners, but he was quickly led to a room and the matron case to get you.

“I want you to do your best today. He’s paid for a simple performance, he says he’s lonely and just wants a pretty thing to talk to. If he asks for more it’s up to you, I’d prefer if he paid, but you set your price, dear,” She fussed over your hair one more time. A sad look crossed her face, “Be careful. I’ve lost a lot of girls, these men, some of them are animals, taking a girl they can’t have and slaughtering her and himself. Just, be careful. I don’t want to lose anymore girls unless they’re going off to marry, you hear me.” She was crying by the end of her rambling. She wiped her face and patted your shoulder once more before letting you enter the room.

Uzui was relaxed, sitting at a low table. He smiled at you and you started your performance. The demon wouldn’t show up unless it was done properly, until Uzui—the customer— got handsy. This was going to be a nightmare.

Uzui was a great actor oddly enough, he played the part of a lonely bachelor with ease. Asking about you and your interests as well as making up a story about his own that you knew wasn’t entirely true. “Why don’t you come sit with me?” You listened despite the annoyance welling inside you. You sat next to him, enough distance to be modest, playing the part of a shy inexperienced girl. You could feel your skin crawl as something moved inside the ceiling.

He pulled you into his side and whispered into your ear, “Your sword is in that bag I brought, Sanemi will bring mine in as soon as I open the window. You can sense it too right?” You could feel your cheeks heat up as you nodded. He pulled you closer, almost into his lap. From here you’d be able to reach his bag and grab your sword.

“What a cuuuuute couple you two make~” The raspy voice that echoed through the room was revolting. It was enjoying this far too much for a normal demon. You attempted to look like you were hiding in Uzui’s chest, and reached for the hilt of your sword.

It was a good thing you didn’t care for a gaurd. You pulled the weapon out and sliced through the spike aiming for Uzui’s head. The demon hissed and Uzui moved to the window, he grabbed his own weapon and the two of you tried your best to keep the damage to a minimum. Neither of your breath styles was really tailored for that, but you had to try.

One of the spikes managed to catch your neck, slicing through it and leaving a burning sensation. Uzui grunted as one punctured through his shoulder. It only took a few more minutes for Uzui to finally find the demons weak point and slice off its head.

You sat down and held your head. You could feel heat surging through your body. No fucking wonder this demon chose the Red Light district despite its grotesque looks. It had an aphrodisiac affect on humans.

“Shit,” Uzui grabbed a cloth from the table and pressed it against your neck, “You alright? You’re not focusing your breathing.” You weren’t? Fuck your head was throbbing. Why did this have to happen. “I could try and help you through this, or we can try and sneak you out. I know they aren’t great options, but they don’t expect us to leave until tomorrow anyway.

He was offering to have sex with you even when he doesn’t actually like you. He had three wives, he only flirted with you on these types of missions, why would he be serious. “I’m not letting you fuck me just because you threw a few pretty words, you don’t even like me. I don’t plan on giving myself away to someone who doesn’t plan to marry me. I’d rather wait this shit out—” You cut off as your head spun.

Uzui’s face twisted and he grabbed your shoulders and made you look at him, “You think I’m fucking around? I kept flirting to see if you were even interested. If you’d ever shown anything, but pissy bitch I’d have proposed as flashily as possible. If you want to be my fiancé I’d be really damn thrilled.” Wow. Tonight was going a lot differently than you’d expected.

“Okay.” Why wouldn’t you? You like him, apparently he liked you, three hot co-wives, and you were already to exhausted to think of any negatives.

He grinned at you and kissed your forehead, “Stay here. I’ll tell the matron we were attacked. I’ll also tell her I plan on whisking you away, I’ll also pay your debts away. We kinda destroyed the room so I don’t think Oyakata-Sama will complain about it.” You nodded dazed as he left the room and tried to focus on breathing, you had a wound to heal after all.

aaand another - “If you don’t open up that door on the count of three, I will start huffing and puffing!”

Kat was talking with Albert and Race when the front door had opened, promptly closed, and another door slammed. Looking at the clock, it was 5:30, the normal time Jack would be arriving home. 

Looking at the two, she shrugged her shoulder, excusing herself before walking over to the closed bedroom door. Placing her hand on the knob, she tried turning it only to find it locked. 

“Jack, you okay?” 

“Leave me alone!” His voice was muffled, and it sounded as if he was underwater and tired. 

Putting a hand on the door, she sighed. “Do you need anything?” 

“No. Just want to be alone.” 

Kat flinched at the tiredness of his voice and nodded. “Ok. Race and Albert are here if you want to talk with them.” 

“I’ll be out in a bit. Just need some time to wrap my head around something.” He paused for a moment before adding, “I love you.”

She smiled, sadly. “I love you too.” 

Returning to the living room, she gave the two a tight smile. “Jack okay?”

“He said he’s wrapping his head around something.” Kat mumbled, looking at Race. “If he’s not out in an hour, you can go talk to him.” 

Race nodded, as Albert switched the conversation to something mindless. But Race and Kat were both concerned with the man locked in the room. 

An hour later, after Albert said his goodbyes and there were promises to keep him updated on Jack, Race and Kat stood in front of the door. 

“Jack?” Kat softly knocked on the door, waiting to hear a response. 

The seconds that followed were painfully quiet. “Yea, Kat?”

“You doing any better?” 

There were another couple of seconds of silence. “A little but not ready to come out yet.”  

Kat looked at Race, tears clouding her eyes. He smiled at her before his lips stretched into a grin. “If you don’t open up that door on the count of three, I will start huffing and puffing!”

A strangled giggle escaped Kat’s mouth as she gasped at her brother-in-law. “One …..”

Silence. 

“Two ….” 

Silence. 

“Th—-”

The door flew open, as the two of them jumped back in surprise. “You are worst than a god damn border collie.” 

Both of them took a moment to look Jack over. His eyes were red from crying, his face looked as if he had aged 10 years in 8 hours, and he was overall tired. 

He shuffled back to the bed before crawling into it, burying himself in the blankets and pillows. The two exchanged looks before walking into the room. Kat immediately climbed into the bed, rubbing her hand through Jack’s hair while Race stood there awkwardly, hands in his pocket, visibly upset at whatever had upset his brother. 

“It was a horrible day at work.” Jack started. “It didn’t start off that way though.” 

He opened his eyes, looking at Kat before patting the other side of the bed for Race. Toeing off his shoes, Race joined them on the bed as Jack reached for his hand. “Did you hear about that apartment fire in Midtown?” 

Kat and Race both shook their heads. “It started about 11am. I was already in Midtown, taking photos of an exhibit that’s going to open. So I was one of the first photographers on scene and it was just bad.”

He took several deep breaths, squeezing Race’s hand and leaning into Kat’s comfort. “People were stumbling from the burning building, covered in ash and soot. People were on the fire escape but couldn’t get down until the fire department got there.” 

“Was everyone okay?” Kat whispered, squeezing Jack’s other hand and leaving a kiss on his forehead. 

“As far as I know, yeah.” He nodded. “But some of the photos I took are haunted. Just raw and the details are kinda burnt into my brain.” 

Running a hand through his brother’s hair, Race smiled. “That’s what you’re so damn good at your job, Jack. You show the rawness of the human race and all with a camera. You don’t shy away from fear or sadness or happiness in your photos.” 

Squeezing his hand, Jack gave him a half smile. “So why is this hurting you so much more than any of the other building fires you’ve covered? You’ve covered so much more tragedies than this. Why is this one staying with you?” 

“There was a little girl. She couldn’t have been more than 5. She was pushed out onto the stoop of the apartment building and was too stunned to do anything - almost like she was frozen and couldn’t move. People pushed by her trying to escape but she just stood there.” He paused, trying to catch his breath. “No one stopped to help her. I was close enough so I picked her up and brought her towards the street so we were close enough for someone to find her but out of danger.” 

Tears clouded his eyes, silence in the room, giving him time to work through whatever he needed to. “She has the biggest brown eyes I’ve ever seen on a little girl. She clung to me as if she knew something had happened to her family. We stood there and watched people spill out of the building, not saying anything. I didn’t even get her name.” He sighed. “Finally after like 30 minutes, her aunt came out and she gasped and yelled her name. They were reunited - tears, hugs, and rushed thank yous to me before they left. I can’t imagine what was going through her mind in those 30 mins, not knowing if her family was safe or not.”

“Oh Jack. I’m so sorry.” Kat whispered, kissing his forehead. “That’s tough, and thankfully she had you looking out for her.” 

Race smiled. “It should be no surprise you did that.” 

“In what way?” Jack asked, looking at his younger brother. 

Chuckling, Race shook his head. “You always look for the needy, the ones that need help. You were always the first person we would go to at Medda’s - you were a best friend, brother, father-figure to everyone at that house. You were always looking out for us and protecting us, even when we were grown. It’s no wonder that little girl clung to you while she waited - she knew you were safe for whatever reason.” 

“Thanks, Race.” 

Squeezing his brother’s hand, Race just grinned. “Just doing my brotherly duty. Need to make sure your brain doesn’t get too big.” 

“And the special brotherly moment we were just having is over.” Jack shook his head. 

Race chuckled. “This version of Jack, the mopey and sad one just isn’t you and while it’s rare for it to happen, we’re always here for you. No matter what.” 

Jack smiled. “Thanks for the whole huffing and puffing bit.” 

“It always worked at Medda’s - figures it might work here as well.” Race shrugged with a grin. 

Kat looked between the two. “What was going to happen if he got to three?” 

“The door would’ve come off one way or another.” Jack chuckled. “Smalls was notorious for locking herself in a bathroom or a room so Race came up with that saying, letting whoever know that if the door wasn’t opened by 3, the door was coming down one way or another.” 

Kat laughed. “Did you ever take the door down?”

“Uhhh….” Race threw his head back and laughed loudly. “Jack you wanna tell the story?” 

Jack chuckled. “Smalls was being a pain in the ass and going through the typical teenager drama. She was the only girl in the house outside of Medda and Chance hadn’t arrived yet. She was in a pissy mood from the time I picked her up from school and none of my usual tricks were working to get her to chat. I must’ve pissed her off because as soon as we got home, she booked it to her bedroom and refused to come out.” 

“By this time, we had perfected the phrase but Race was the only one that could pull it off perfectly. So when he gets home, he walks up to the door and does it. It’s absolute silence and no movement at all.” 

Race is laughing so hard that tears are streaming down his face. 

Taking a deep breath, he calms himself enough to finish the story. “So I walk downstairs and tell Jack that we need to take the door off. Jack runs downstairs and gets some tools; meanwhile, Medda is just walking through the door and sees us all standing around. I clue her in just as Jack walks up the stairs and she tells us not to take the door off but just the doorknob. Well we do that and push open the door only to find Smalls passed out on the bed sound asleep.” 

At that point, Jack and Race both lose it and just start laughing which then pulls Kat into laughing until they all have tears streaming down their faces. 

“Oh my gosh I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.” Jack slapped Race on the back. “Thanks Race.”

Kat wiped her eyes from the unshed tears. “Do you feel better?”

“I do and it’s all thanks to you both.” Smiling at them, Jack shook his head. “I love you both.”

Race stood, out his shoes back on before heading for the door. “Love you too Jackie.”

“Where are you going?” Jack asked, giving a classic older brother eyebrow raise, questioning look. 

Sticking his hands in his pocket, Race grinned. “Spot’s been blowing up my phone wondering where I was so I gotta go make it up to him.” 

“Ugh never mind me asking.” Jack pulled a face while Race blew him a kiss. 

“Love you too Jackie and Plums.” He paused grinning. “If you don’t hear from me by the morning, check all the morgues and parks for a dead body.” 

Kat chuckled, shaking her head at the boy’s dramatics. “He won’t kill you, Racetrack.” 

“You never know what he’ll do in a fit of passionate rage.” Race cackled hearing Jack’s obvious disgust. “Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, Jackie!” 

Pointing to the door, Jack gave Race a look. “Love you, thank you for this afternoon but get outta here! And leave your comments about your sex life to yourself! There are things that myself and Kat don’t need to know about you and Spot!” 

“Why do we keep him around?” Jack looked at Kat, grinning at the scoff that came from Race’s direction. 

“Our lives would be so much duller without Race and Spot in them.” Kat patted her husband’s arm. “Besides you did say Race is your favorite brother.” 

Popping his head back in the room, Race grinned brightly. “See you love me and I’m your favorite.”

“I already told you I love you. Now get outta here before Spot really kills you and asks me to hide the body.” Jack shook his head at his brother’s antics. “Text me when you get home.” 

“Uh huh.” Was Race’s reply before they heard the door shut a few moments later. 

Cuddling into Kat’s embrace, he sighed in contentment. “Thank you for this afternoon. You knew when to give me space and when to engage Race.” 

“Anytime, Jack. I’m always going to be here for you.” Kissing his forehead, she sighed. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” 

So this is 1905 words got a little out of control! :-) Enjoy!! 

The dumbest post

I think y’all should be here to witness the dumbest post I’ll ever make, as I’m not all about getting into discourse and that, and any other self-identifying Vergil lovers please come here:

@creepyscritches, @brasspetalsx, @fandomhell97, @breezeinmonochromenight, @kaldea88, @xalmasyx, @hornyangrybean, @noir-sorrow, @catspook, @xenontrioxide, @zilla-may-cry, @boobble, @vergilshusband, @tifaroni, @littlebluewraith, @im-a-clown, @genovaempera, @neodicronus, @thelessiknowtheworse, @thriilsy, @jestermania, @bunny-girl-sweetseek, @darka3363, @witchkiid, @45, @manadebutt, @magsamaire, @spaghetti-queerghetti, @clairexredfields, @204863-yunglynn, @yuri-subtext, @miss-soso-25, @josuke-kujo, @cameguisada, @trionfi, @glitteryhumanfiretrash, @lewdbunbun, @journalofsparda, @complacentdevil, @infernokid, @emogodmatthew, @brit-o-raptor, @salsa-and-chips, @gemstone-enema

I’d like y’all to bear witness, as I take down this bitch-ass clown. As I’ve blocked the person in question that I want to call out - please tag them into this post to have at them ;) Also - to the other people that didn’t get this, tag your mutuals and get them here.

I’d also like to announce that @thephantomporg84 is now masquerading as @derelict-stranger, and I got a few messages a few days ago about how she was gonna take down her account, and how she wants me to block all of you, which is ridiculous as you are all blogs that I have known and followed way before her and also I don’t know you either. I told her that I didn’t want to be involved in her drama, but here I am. 

It’s kinda hard for me to make this post, as I genuinely thought that she was cool in the beginning - she helped to give me more DMC asks in my inbox, and she always reblogged my stuff, as I’ve been trying to make it with the big guys - like @myfairmidnightladyspade.

But I saw the stuff that she says online to you all, and I think I got some anon messages from her asking if I was a terf or not... and yeah - my heart broke. I feel like I have been deceived in some way. What I wanted to be there was someone who was cool, and funny to talk to, but turns out that person is petty, heartless, immature and straight up spiteful.

I may have to justify myself in why I got messages from her - I was only trying to console her, but to do it in a neutral way as I wanted no part in her drama.

Also - i’m probably not gonna show any evidence for how much she sucks cause there’s tags and anon posts dedicated to that sort of thing

I want you on tumblr, and you on Reddit to find her, and in the /v/ section of 4chan to block her and report her for all she’s done. I want you to wipe her existence from the internet until there is nothing left.

Now - I need to change the flow of the conversation by directing it to you, @derelict-stranger.

I’d like you to kindly log off, take a breather and think, for a second about the actions that you’ve done to the people that I’ve mentioned above. 

I’d also like to tell you that your suggestion to block all those people above is complete nonsense. Why would you make me block blogs who have perfectly decent and awesome content, and to those who I have talked to longer than you? why would you make me block blogs who I don’t know? Quit trying to get me on your side. I want no part in your drama like I said before, and stop trying to manipulate me into getting me to give a shit about you.

I’d also like to tell you that your situation is entirely self-inflicted. That you trying to talk to me won’t work, the only reason that people are apparently “attacking you” - is because you, in fact, are the instigator, are the catalyst of all this hatred.

You - @derelict-stranger, lack any ability whatsoever to disagree well. From where I’m looking, all of this started because you don’t like Vergil from the Devil May Cry games and you don’t like the plot of 5, which seems extremely stupid to me, as he’s only a small-ish part of 1, one of the best boss-fights in 3 and just a mere mention in 4. The fact that you need to incessantly attack content creators who merely like him is stupid. Either keep those opinions to yourself, ignore them, or do my favourite -> stick ‘em up your big stupid ass.

It’s also stupid that when people merely like him - you have to bring in your own shitty opinions. No one asked you what you thought, and I’m pretty sure you’re actively seeking out fights with people just to feel good about yourself. It’s also super hypocritical of you ragging on about how much Vergil sucks, when you go crazy for Kylo Ren, as they share some similarities in terms of their vibes and traits. (Yeah - I see you asking for smutty Kylo Ren x Reader requests online.....) Why do you get pissy when people like villainous fictional characters - do your knickers

What I just want to know is what kind of personal gratification you get when you actively hate on a character, and what kind of gratification you get when just because someone disagrees with you - that you have to result using death threats, rape threats, pedophilia threats, racism, slurs, and ableism,  transphobia, alt-right rhetoric, neo-Nazi shit, pro-Trump, and homophobic comments to content creators just doin’ their own thing. Is it just to feel like the bigger man, is it to make yourself sound smarter than the other person (Cause you don’t) - like what actually motivates you, what actually makes you want to shit on other people’s parades, huh? Sounds to me like you need to get a life.

The fact that you always need to play the victim is sad and pathetic too:

- That you’re on the spectrum: - Okay, there are a lot of people who are on the spectrum here on tumblr. But they don’t use it as an excuse to justify shitty behaviour especially if it’s unitentional. as I’m sure they and the people they know are. I’m sure they apologise and try to get on with life like how NT people do. As you know - a lot of people of the spectrum feel like they’re being treated as sub-human being babies that do nothing but screech all the time, and they’re taking action to change those perceptions. Your behaviours are not helping their cause.

- That you use depression as an excuse - I’m kinda sympathetic to the whole mental health issues thing. I have them too. In fact, I am a hot mess. But I don’t use that to excuse me hurting other people with intention, and I’m sure many others don’t either. At least 1/4 or 1/3 will have some mental health issues in their life, and yeah, it sucks, and it’s common but it doesn’t make them exempt from them being called out on their shitty acts. the fact that so many people are and can be mentally ill doesn’t make you special, and it doesn’t give you a free pass to attack others.

- The fact that you try to bait people into making anti-semitic comments, so you can call them anti-semitic. Dude, that’s low. I’m pretty sure that’s gaslighting and manipulation as well. You don’t get the right to use your religion/race in that way as a defence when you’re feeling attacked so that you come off a better person. I’m friends with many jewish people, and they’d never have the gall to do that. I know that your peeople have had it rough, but you can’t use that in an argument just to prove that the other one is a piece of shit, when it is in fact you. I’m muslim, a WOC, and ancestrally speaking, from a country that your so-beloved president essentially banned their right to seek a better life in the states. For as long as I can remember - I’ve seen news about my kind being universally hated, I’ve been brought up in a post-9/11 world where for as long as I can remember that me and our kind are the enemy (so I can sympathise) - but you don’t see me and other muslims here using those petty tactics that you use, because unlike you, we’re not myopic and we know that won’t get us anywhere.

I mean, this behaviour sounds bratty and childish - so I was thinking, she’ll probably grow out of it. Then I find that you’re in you’re mid-twenties, and I think “you really haven’t grown up at all, have you?”, and honestly it just makes the behaviour worse as you are resulting to middle school/high school tactics -> especially making me block all those people, calling them sociopaths and evil bitches. This ain’t high school or Mean Girls, moron, this is a fandom. A place where people can create, share, like and comment on content that makes you happy. I don’t think you understand what that means - cause all I see, and everyone sees is you spewing hatred everywhere. Fandoms are supposed to make you feel included, feel happy, feel safe, be a place to make friends. I don’t think you know that, and I don’t think you are even smart enough to realise that you are the reason why our fandom isn’t happy.

And honestly, at this point, the hatred you are getting is well deserved. You deserve to feel like shit if all you are going to do is make others feel like shit.

I don’t know what else to say but:

1. Get the hell away from our fandom

2. Get rid of your internet connection.

3. Get a life.

4. We don’t want you here.

5. You’re scum.

6. Go suck a dick, or flick a bean, whatever gets you off you troglodyte.

I liked you man, I really did. Then I saw how you treat others, and now I know I made a dumb life choice in making friends with you. If only you weren’t such a piece of shit, we could have been good friends.

I don’t want you here on tumblr. They don’t want you here. No-one wants or needs a toxic parasite like you on this website.

Yours sincerely,

sui-senka, who just sucked Vergil’s dick yesterday, and liked it.

RELATIONSHIP / CONNECTIONS  CALL  !      /     because  everyone  else  seems  on  this  band  wagon  so  i  thought ,  hey ,  why  not !     i  could  always  use  more  stuff  for  all  my  characters !    just  hit  that  like  or  comment  or  just  IM  me  if  you’re  interested  in  anything !

LINK     :     22 ,  human  (  prev .  hylian  ) ,  male ,  asexual .

ROMANTIC  RELATIONSHIP  /  OPEN      :      while  i  am  partial  to  some  loz  ships  (  particularly  link/zelda  but  also  link/midna  &  link/malon  )   &  would  lean  towards  those  if  we  got  those  characters ,  i’m  also  not�� against  simply  shipping  link  with  someone  he  meets  here  if  there’s  good  chemistry !     he’s  ace ,  sexuality  wise ,  but  for  sure  demi  romantic .   he  can  fall  hard  for  people  he  gets  close  to ,  male  or  female ,  he’ll  get  some  massive  heart  eyes .   plus ,  he’ll  defend  you  on  pain  of  death  always  if  he  has  to . PLATONIC  RELATIONSHIPS  /  OPEN      :      link  is  literally  the  softest  boy   &   deserves  all  the  friends  i  beg  of  you !    he’s  extremely  kind   &   very  easy  to  befriend .   literally  if  you’re  just  nice  to  him  he’ll  consider  you  a  friend  after  like  5  seconds   &  would  fight  god  with  a  stick  for  you  if  you  asked .

ROWENA  MACLEOD    :    300+   (  appears  roughly  40  ) ,  witch ,  female ,  pansexual .    (  @evliskank  )

 ROMANTIC  RELATIONSHIP  /  OPEN      :      open ,  yes ,  but  rowena  is  far  more  for  playful  flirting   &   meaningless  flings .    this  doesn’t  mean  i’m  against  a  serious  relationship  for  her  completely !    especially  after  this  event  as  rowena  will  be  losing  memory  of  most  of  her  life  including  when  the  man  who  would  be  crowley’s  father  broke  her  heart   &   caused  her  view  of  love  as  weakness .    so ,  she  won’t  despise  the  thought  of  being  in  love .   however ,  as  her  memories  slowly  come  back  she’ll  become  more  callous  towards  it . PLATONIC  RELATIONSHIPS  /  OPEN      :      want  a  powerful  witch  friend  to  gossip  with ?   say  no  more .    rowena  isn’t  easy  to  befriend ,  however ,  but  it’s  not  impossible .   if  you’re  interested ,  we’ll  work  something  out ! ENEMIES  /  OPEN      :      rowena  makes  a  lot  more  unfriendly  relationships  than  she  does  friends .    if  you  guys  want  a  rivalry  that’d  be  awesome !    plus ,  we  can  even  look  into  a  frienemies  kinda  deal  if  you’re  into  that ,  too .

JESSE  TURNER    :    20 ,  cambion  (  half  human ,  half  demon  )  +  the  antichrist ,  male ,  homosexual .   (  @anitchrist  )

ROMANTIC  RELATIONSHIP  /  CLOSED      :      sorry ,  boys ,  the  antichrist  is  taken !    or  he  will  be .    loey  &   i  have  a  plotted  ship  to  come  for  jesse   &   jack  kline . PLATONIC  RELATIONSHIPS  /  OPEN      :      jesse  is  pissy ,  emo ,  sarcastic ,  &  a  down  right  loner   . . .   please ,  force  friendship  on  him .   i’m  especially  here  for  him  being  befriended  by  someone  who’s  all  sunshine  &  rainbows !    that  dynamic  would  be  great .     plus ,  who  doesn’t  wanna  be  friends  with  the  antichrist ,  am  i  right ? ENEMIES  /  OPEN      :      it’s  not  like  he  means  to  make  a  lot ,  but  jesse  can  be  off  putting  to  some  people .    particularly  this  is  open  to  anyone  who  plays  demons .    jesse ,  though  half  demon ,  hates  demonkind   &   thinks  them  pathetic   &   obnoxious .     he  wants  them  to  leave  him  alone .

THE  COLT    :    183  (  appears  roughly  early  30s  ) ,  human  (  humanized  gun  ) ,  male ,  pansexual .   (  @dustsanything  )

 ROMANTIC  RELATIONSHIP  /  OPEN      :      he’s  still  learning  about  being  human   &   feelings  like  this  but  i’d  be  very  entertained  to  see  him  in  a  relationship  tbh .     if  you  like  cowboys  who  used  to  be  literal  guns   &   have  a  slight  god  complex  then  i’ve  got  good  news !  PLATONIC  RELATIONSHIPS  /  OPEN      :      him   &   friends  he  makes  are  usually  amusing .   not  much  to  say  on  it  . . .  but  also  if  your  character  wants  some  protection  i’d  recommend  him .   he  doesn’t  play  games  in  defending  people  he  likes ,  usually ,  &  he’s  the  most  powerful  gun  in  the  world .   he’s  good  to  have  on  your  side .  ENEMIES  /  OPEN      :      probably  mostly  for  supernatural  creatures ,  seeing  as  he’s  sometimes  salty  towards  them ,  &  he’s  whats  made  to  kill  them .   plus ,  he’s  a  hitman  it’s  his  job !   he’s  bound  to  have  made  some  enemies .

AZAZEL    :    10,000+  (  appears  around  50s  ) ,  demon  (  prince  of  hell  ) ,  male ,  pansexual .   (  @yellweyes  )

 ROMANTIC  RELATIONSHIP  /  OPEN      :      uh  . . .   i  mean  i  guess  if  you’re  into  . . .  horrible  asshole  demons .    don’t  expect  anything  super  healthy  though .  PLATONIC  RELATIONSHIPS  /  OPEN      :      there  are  people  who  will  amuse  him   &   he’ll  choose  to  spend  time  around  them  for  that .   doesn’t  mean  he  cares  much  or  he’ll  do  much  for  you   . . .   but  he  likes  having  friends  for  entertainment .  ENEMIES  /  OPEN      :      look  he’s  terrible  he’ll  make  enemies  with  everyone .

OBI-WAN  “BEN”  KENOBI    :    40 ,  human  (  force  sensitive  ) ,  male ,  asexual .     (  @jedirelic  )

 ROMANTIC  RELATIONSHIP  /  OPEN      :      it’s  gonna  be  hard  for  him .    especially  seeing  as  he’s  A.  ace  as  hell   &   B.  has  the  jedi  code  still  very  imprinted  in  his  lifestyle .   plus  he’s  just  mega  depressed  from  a  lot   . . .   i  will  say ,  though ,  he  can  playfully  flirt  like  no  one’s  business .    there’s  not  much  meaning  ever  behind  it ,  but  he  thinks  flirting  is  fun .    he’s  a  master  at  flirting  but  has  the  romance  skill  of  a  bent  spoon .  PLATONIC  RELATIONSHIPS  /  OPEN      :      god  he’s  so  sad  he  needs  friends  again .   all  his  friends  are  dead  please  befriend  him  he’s  so  so  kind  he’s  just  tired  bc  the  world  hurt  him .

CAPTAIN  JAMES  KIRK    :    27 ,  human ,  male ,  bisexual .   (  @flvbov  )

 ROMANTIC  RELATIONSHIP  /  OPEN-ISH      :      i  say  ish  because  i’m   . . .   i’ve  been  playin  lowkey  but  tbh  spirk  is  everything  to  me   &   i’d  die  if  we  got  a  spock .    but  like  i’ll  think  about  it   . . .   he’ll  flirt  too  he’s  flirty .    so  flings  are  for  sure  something  we  can  talk  about  or  friends  with  benefits .  PLATONIC  RELATIONSHIPS  /  OPEN      :      he’s  SUCH  a  good  friend   &   he  loves  just  having  fun  honestly ?    he’s  very  interested  in  this  place  as  it  is  200  years  in  the  past  for  him .   he’s  excitable   &   fun .   kinda  like  a  puppy .

MERLIN    :    1,500+  (  appears  mid - late  twenties  ) ,  sorcerer ,  male ,  bisexual .   (  @magicitslf  )

 ROMANTIC  RELATIONSHIP  /  CLOSED      :      if  yall  don’t  think  him   &   arthur  are  endgame  as  all  get  out  then  i’ve  news  for  you .    merlin  can  be  flirty ,  though !    he  can  be  a  saucy  minx .    i  mean  just  watch  the  show  he’s  a  dumbass  but  i’m  pretty  sure  every  character  on  that  show  was  at  least  a  little  in  love  w/  merlin . PLATONIC  RELATIONSHIPS  /  OPEN      :      be  the  sweet  magic  boy’s  friend .    if  you’re  earth ,  you’ve  probably  heard  of  merlin  as  arthurian  legend  is  big  too .    also ,  this  goes  heavy  for  anyone  with  magic .   looking  at  you ,  hp  characters !    there’s  also  not  a  lot  he  wouldn’t  do  for  his  friends .    OH  ALSO  WITH  ANYONE  WHO  HAS  A  MUSE  THAT’S  A  PERSONIFIED  DRAGON !    bc  ik  there  are  some  got  dragons  around .    merlin  is  a  dragon  lord ,  basically  he’s  able  to  speak  in  the  dragon  tongue   &   can  command  dragons  when  he  does   &   the  cant  disobey  him .   he  loves  them .     ENEMIES  /  OPEN      :      are  you  someone  who  uses  magic  for  ill  will ?   guess  what !    merlin  isn’t  going  to  like  you .    he’s  also  got  strong  opinions   &   a  big  mouth  so  if  he  doesn’t  like  something  you’re  doing  you’ll  know .

HENRY  JEKYLL  /  EDWARD  HYDE    :    37 ,  human ,  male ,  heterosexual  but  this  could  change  idk .   (  @viceindulged  )

 ROMANTIC  RELATIONSHIPS  /  OPEN      :      he’s  married  to  science  but  he’s  also  a  sweet  man   . . .   well .   henry  is  nice .    scratch  that ,  he’s  kind  of  an  absolute  disaster  of  a  human  being  but  he’s  trying  his  best .   &   then  there’s  hyde  his  counterpart  who  is    . . .   just  plain  terrible .   for  sure  a  ship  with  him  would  be  angsty  as  all  get  out .    he’s  a  bit  terrified  of  loving  people ,  what  with  hyde  coming  out  on  his  own  now .  PLATONIC  RELATIONSHIPS  /  OPEN      :      he  needs  some  friends  to  support  him .   there’s  also  a  million   &   ten  plots  we  can  draw  up  for  them  discovering  about  hyde  &   trying  to  help  him  through  this  because  it’s  driving  him  insane  almost   &   tearing  him  apart .    he  just  really  needs  some  support .    also  if  y’all  have  any  sadistic  muses !   you  can  also  be  friends  with  hyde ! ENEMIES  /  OPEN      :      when  i  say  enemies  i  mean  people  who  meet  hyde  before  meeting  jekyll .    jekyll’s  nice ,  doesn’t  make  a  lot  of  people’s  bad  lists ,  but  hyde  is  horrid .   people  who  meet  hyde  can  hate  him   &   then  it  leads  for  a  ton  of  confusion  when  meeting  poor  jekyll  later   &   it  has  him  deal  with  the  repercussions  as  he’s  always  cleaning  up  hyde’s  messes .    enemies  also  work  for  people  who  end  up  befriending  hyde  also  being  enemies  to  jekyll .    most  people  who  are  an  enemy  of  one  will  be  friend  to  another .    there’s  also  the  idea  that  someone  thinks  he’s  just  unstable   &   unsafe  so  he  needs  to  go  altogether .

CONTENT warning ⚠️

Adult conversation, mental/emotional abuse, sexual content.

situation i think I'm finally ready to vent about is the situation however long ago with my mentally/emotionally abuser.

I remember one day after posting pictures with him.

I had a girl hit me up saying she wanted to be friends but thought the same man was in love with her too, we'll call her E.

We ended up talking about it to which i found out he was flirting with her behind my back.

It hurt of course.

Feeling embarrassed, betrayed.

I had messaged him sending him screenshots, name and picture blurred out. He of course knew exactly who i was speaking with and messaged her angrily.

He got mad at me of course, they all do when they get caught.

She ended up blocking him, proceeding to talk to me about him how low he apparently made her feel about herself, how she couldn't stand him and that she was glad he was out of her life.

She would tell me about how she thought i should leave him because i told her about how he wasn't the best partner, i told her about the addiction he obviously didn't tell her as well, as well as abusive behaviour he had.

Mind you i never brought him up during our conversations it was always her bringing it up to ask me questions about him.

One thing i found odd was she seemed kinda odd and obsessed with the idea of him having an STD.

As apparently some girl, we'll call her H.

H apparently told E that he was on heroin, meth and had herpes.

Mind you the meth part is true that's his DOC.

Heroin i know nothing about and that STD he did not have.

She would often ask me about it, convinced of him having it despite me telling her he didn't.

She would also say things such as i needed to get tested (i get tested regularly)

Asking me if we used condoms or not, if i enjoyed sleeping with him, what it was like sleeping with him. Etc etc.

She made it clear age didn't believe me nor him on our STD status which i found weird.

Well sooner or later after her telling me for a bit to leave him i finally decided i wanted to leave him, it doesn't help when someone's in your ear.

The moment i decided i wanted to leave him she switched up, talking about how much she missed him, wanted him, wanted to sleep with him etc .

Despite her at the time having a boyfriend, that didn't really seem to like my boyfriend.

Of course it caught me of guard and made me defensive.

I felt as if she was trying to lure me away from him so she could try taking him.

I obviously changed my mind and decided i wanted to keep talking to him, i guess to "defend my territory" on some toxic shit.

She started telling him things differently, such as we didn't talk anymore, when we did apparently i was the one constantly mentioning him. Etc.

She would get jealous over her boyfriend, as to be 100 honest and clear i told her that me and her boyfriend used to be involved, mind you we had never actually met or been intimate together. I made it clear despite me having talked to him in the past that i wasn't interested in him, seen him as only a friend and did not want anything more from him. That i didn't even message him, we only react/share and maybe comment on each other's stuff.

To which she still would get jealous, asking me if I message him or asking me if we were messing around with each other. Of course i said no because we were not.

She made it clear she didn't want me talking to her boyfriend despite her constantly talking to and trying to get at mine, which he was absolutely no help not knowing how to turn someone down.

Despite her making it pretty clear she didn't fully believe us when we said we didn't have an STD she still would make moves on him and even started flirting with me, wanting to sleep with me. Which i found odd, if you think someone and their partner has an STD, thinks they're probably lying about not having it, why would you proceed to want to sleep with both of them if you do not trust them? Odd.

At one point i even told her that i didn't want to be friends with anyone who still talked to him. I didn't want him and i definitely didn't wanna be friends with her if she wanted to keep contacting him.

To which she pulled a bunch of bullshit saying she liked and trusted me more than him.

That she stopped liking him when he asked her to do ice with him, despite also talking about how he was her friend. Odd how you wanna continue to be friends with someone you don't trust because they offered you drugs.

We stopped talking, to which she later came back having blocked him saying she wanted my friendship more than his, i accepted and we started talking again.

It was a constant cycle of all of us having beef, blocking each other (her though I've only blocked once and have kept blocked since)

He didn't like me talking to her, i knew me talking to her was a bit reason he kept talking to her, he gets pissy when i don't do what he wants (he originally asked me to block her to which i said no)

I do believe that to a degree but i also believe he's grimy, i wouldn't have been talking to her in the first place had he not been talking to her behind my back. So that's on him.

She would constantly send me screenshots of their conversations, which always made me extremely upset, insecure, depressed and gave me thoughts of self harm/suicidal ideation.

He would often stop talking to me and talk to her instead.

We had another incident of when his dead best friends baby mom messaged her talking shit, because she was going around talking about him, how she wanted him, wanted to date him etc. But he was on some bullshit and was no longer mobile since he had his car put in impound.

I finally got sick of it all, i sent her a message and blocked her, I had deactivated my Facebook account but left my messenger active, he noticed of course.

He messaged me asking what was up, i told him i had deactivated since his side girl wanted to constantly upset me by sending me screenshots, we talked about it, i later told him that i blocked her and that he could have fun with his "lil girlfriend"

Then he apparently told her he would show up at her work and she blocked him.

I do not fully believe either of them, or trust either of them. He only got upset because he probably didn't like the idea of losing his girlfriend over it, i was fully ready to leave him. She's been gone since, she had messaged my baby dad over Instagram saying foul shit, about her not wanting him, that i needed to get my shit straight. Etc.

She definitely didn't act like she didn't want him.

I messaged back saying me blocking her for my mental health was me getting my shit together.

She just wanted to be toxic. She's been trying to befriend me again since, which i really just can't. No friend of mine would so blatantly fw my relationship knowing i didn't like it.

This situation has been on my mind heavy for a while. No matter how much i try to forget or move on it still hurts, knowing she would betray me like that while calling me her friend, knowing he would betray me like that telling me he loved me, cared for me and calling me his partner.

That situation has helped push this gao between us, a big reason as to why I've built a wall between us, why i became less affectionate, less trusting, more insecure and sad. And simply not believing he wants me.

He tries to "reassure" me. Well did technically (since we do not talk anymore)

No matter what though i could not stop the sadness i felt after it all happened.

Recently E sent me a friend request on a new Facebook i made, since my other two got put on postblock. It made me really upset and reminded me of the past. I've not known how to feel about it, i haven't accepted it. I don't plan on it, just upsetting she tried and still tried every once in a while to be my friend again after the whole situation.

lets get personal.

i know this is supposed to be an ask meme but i’m fucking bored & no one ever sends me them, so.  also i’m kinda pissy rn unfortunately so forgive pls some of my answers lol

01: 6 of the songs you listen to most?:  idk.  mostly i listen to everything on random anymore, and only in my car.  the only song i’ve listened to on repeat recently has been ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga. 02: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?:  speaking of which, lady gaga. 03: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.:  the only book near me would be all the books, as in my bookshelf.  unless you count my kindle, in which case there would be no line 17 because of the font size.  sorry. 04: What do you think about most?:  idk.  whatever my current obsession is i guess. 05: What does your latest text message from someone else say?:  “And you don't have to cook it”. 06: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?:  with.  i don’t like being naked and don’t understand those who do.  also i get cold. 07: What’s your strangest talent?:  i don’t have talents. 08: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence):  are soft and beautiful.  meh, have to earn my trust. 09: Ever had a poem or song written about you?:  a song, yes. 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?:  a very long time.  it’s not a thing i ever do lol. 11: Do you have any strange phobias?:  i don’t think so.  my phobias are pretty standard. 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?:  when i was a kid, yeah.  plenty.  once my parents had to hold me down and tweeze a chewed up wad of juicy fruit out of my nose.  i fucking love the smell of that gum.  three year old me may have been stupid but, hey.  i was being economical.  also i blame it on my parents for, you know, giving a fucking toddler some gum. 13: What’s your religion?:  don’t have one.  former christian, which is gross.  don’t indoctrinate children, please and thanks. 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?:  walking to or from my car.  that’s about it.  :/ 15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?:  behind.  no one deserves to see my face.  rip to everyone who sees me in person on a regular basis. 16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?:  jars of clay, jimmy eat world, the elms. 17: What was the last lie you told?:  that i’m not in debt lmao.  the only time i’ve lied to my psychiatrist :/ 18: Do you believe in karma?:  no but sometimes i wish i did.  so many people deserve their comeuppance. 19: What does your URL mean?:  doesn’t really mean anything, he’s a character from the flash. 20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?:  all sorts of things?  and idk. 21: Who is your celebrity crush?:  lady gaga, angelina jolie, carlos valdes, idk if shane madej is a ‘celebrity’ but him, brie larson, michael sheen... idk, i don’t really have “crushes” but those are the first ppl to come to mind. 22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?:  nope.  and no thank you. 23: How do you vent your anger?:  lol. 24: Do you have a collection of anything?:  funko pops?  but not seriously.  i mean.  i have a lot of them bc i love a lot of characters and there are some pretty fuckin dope funkos.  but it’s not my goal in life to have a huge collection or anything.  at least i can say i have less than a hundred of them lol.  (less than 75.) 25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?:  ew, neither.  but if i had to choose, phone.  bc, you know.  my face. 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?:  lmfao no.  i mean, i’m better than the person i used to be, that’s for sure.  (see:  indoctrinated as a child, including your typical conservative bullshit like racism for starters.) 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?:  so many.  i have misophonia.  and people chewing + mouth sounds is definitely a big one.  love?  idk???  music?  rain?  my cat’s cute lil meow? 28: What’s your biggest “what if”?:  what if my thyroid issues were discovered earlier on instead of a year or more after they started.  my childhood doctor was Not Great.  it took her two weeks to figure out i had a sinus infection.  i was in the fourth grade.  still bitter about both of those. 29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?:  no, ghosts aren’t real.  aliens yes.  not the stereotypical ones, but in a “given the size of the universe it’s literally impossible that we’re the only life out there” way. 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.:  right, the cat.  left, air. 31: Smell the air. What do you smell?:  nothing?  it’s my house/room, so to me it smells like nothing. 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?:  uh... i’ve no idea? 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?:  west, obviously. 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?:  no such thing as ‘opposite’ gender.  of a different gender, though?  lady gaga. 35: To you, what is the meaning of life?:  who the fucking fuck knows.  literally know one knows, though tbh.  they just think they do. 36: Define Art.:  lmfao how would i know.  i don’t have a creative bone in my body so i should be the last person to comment on the subject. 37: Do you believe in luck?:  nope.  i hope it’s obvious by now that i don’t believe in fictional things. 38: What’s the weather like right now?:  cool.  cloudy.  typical oregon winter weather.  i want rain tho :( 39: What time is it?:  3:04am. 40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?:  yes.  and yes, several times.  three.  two totaled cars.  the last one is the only one that was actually my fault, though.  driving too close after it rained.  don’t do it, folks. 41: What was the last book you read?:  the diviners by libba bray.  currently reading a short history of nuclear folly by rudolph herzog.  fascinating, but kind of  depressing af. 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?:  no. 43: Do you have any nicknames?:  hal (to a very select few bc 99% of the time i hate it, so fuck you if you call me this without permission), hals, hallie bird, hallie strawberry. 44: What was the last film you saw?:  i honestly don’t know.  haven’t done a whole lot of movie watching lately.  maybe the fall (2006).  (please watch this movie, it’s so gorgeous and lovely.) 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?:  i’ve never had a serious injury.  well.  i take that back, i guess.  in my first car accident i was stopped and rear-ended at like, 40mph.  so i’ve had back issues since i was 18.  usually it’s fine but sometimes it’s bad and sometimes i can set it off really easily.  idk if that counts as “serious”, though.  lots of people have back problems. 46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?:  i don’t think so? 47: Do you have any obsessions right now?:  i guess buzzfeed unsolved and watcher.  and ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga lol.  good omens, as usual. 48: What’s your sexual orientation?:  asexual. 49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?:  yes.  thankfully only a few (that i know of, anyway). 50: Do you believe in magic?:  no. 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?:  yuuup.  they deserve it. 52: What is your astrological sign?:  taurus. 53: Do you save money or spend it?:  spend it :||  every paycheck i tell myself i’ll be better at saving it, but............ 54: What’s the last thing you purchased?:  preordered chromatica by lady gaga. 55: Love or lust?:  if i had to choose, love.  lust and all that stuff is gross. 56: In a relationship?:  nope.  shocker, i know.  (this is sarcasm.  it is no shocker to anyone as to why i’m single.) 57: How many relationships have you had?:  just the one. 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?:  nope. 59: Where were you yesterday?:  work on my day off for a staff meeting, and then my psychiatrists’ office. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?:  a few things, yes. 61: Are you wearing socks right now?:  yes.  almost always. 62: What’s your favourite animal?:  cats, then birds.  mice are p adorable, too.  i miss having them.  i haven’t had mice since middle school or early high school i think :(  i’d love more but my current cat would definitely try to eat them... same with a bird.  i’ll probably never have a bird :( 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?:  be sarcastic and love stupid puns and bad jokes? 64: Where is your best friend?:  one is in ohio and the other is in massachusetts. 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.:  no idea lol.  i haven’t been on here much recently, and i’m never caught up anyway.  and i don’t usually pay attention to who is posting/reblogging. 66: What is your heritage?:  mostly german.  the rest is other typical white stuff that i can’t remember.  some irish?  either way idc. 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?:  uh, rewatching some buzzfeed unsolved for the 100th time?  and playing with my tamagotchi? 68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?:  he doesn’t exist so idc. 69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?:  nope.  also, Nice™. 70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?:  incredibly doubtful. 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?:  go to work.  i love my job way too much.  i’d probably try to get someone’s attention if there was anyone around, and/or call animal services.  (there are no canals around here anyway and i don’t walk to work and ain’t gonna.) 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?:  who tf knows, i hate this shit.  i’d really rather not think about it bc it stresses me out.  i probably wouldn’t tell very many people tho.  try to find someone to take my cat :(  i sure as shit wouldn’t leave her to my parents :(  and i wouldn’t want to leave her in a shelter.  she’s already done that once and it makes me too sad. 73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.:  trust.  you can’t have love without trust, though... 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?:  ‘sweetness’ by jimmy eat world, ‘fade to grey’ by jars of clay, ‘thunderhead’ by the elms, ‘bad romance’ and ‘g*psy’ by lady gaga (latter is... i hate the name but the song is so fucking catchy, ugh), ‘torn’ by natalie imbruglia, ‘bring it all back’ by s club 7, ‘... baby one more time’ by britney spears, ‘where’s the love’ by hanson, ‘who do you think you are’ by the spice girls, ‘as long as you love me’ and ‘everybody (backstreet’s back)’ by the backstreet boys, ‘black balloon’ by goo goo dolls, ‘spark’ by tori amos, ‘last beautiful girl’ by matchbox twenty, ‘push it’ by garbage, ‘i want you’ by savage garden, ‘minority’ and ‘she’ and ‘basket case’ and ‘macy’s day parade’ by green day... how’s that lol. 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?:  not giving out that kind of personal information lmao. 76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?:  i wouldn’t know. 77: How can I win your heart?:  you probably can’t.  idk anyway. 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?:  sure, but lack of insanity is a better way to go.  don’t perpetuate the bullshit notion that you need to be suffering to create Great Art™. 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?:  idk.  i haven’t made very many. 80: What size shoes do you wear?:  10 in women’s. 81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?:  i’m going to be cremated and you probably should be, too.  just don’t get embalmed, k? 82: What is your favourite word?:  fuck. 83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.:  ‘alone’ by heart. 84: What is a saying you say a lot?:  idk.  someone who spends time around me irl would have to tell me. 85: What’s the last song you listened to?:  ‘stupid love’ by lady gaga on repeat. 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?:  blue.  then green, and in no particular order, black, grey, purple. 87: What is your current desktop picture?:  it’s boring, just the default mac catalina background lol.  i was having issues choosing a background and was getting way too fucking picky, so i just said ‘fuck it’ and have been using this one for months. 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?:  donald trump. 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?:  idk?  how much in debt i am?  lmao. 90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?:  assume i’m having a night terror or am hallucinating.  and be scared. 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?:  hopefully teleportation. 92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?:  maybe when i met carlos valdes & got a picture with him.  he’s super sweet, is living sunshine, and gives amazing hugs. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?:  so many :/  idek where to start tbh. 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?:  i’m sex-repulsed so no thank you.  also, gross question.  get a life. 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?:  new zealand. 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?:  yes, my cousin bc he murdered my dad ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?:  no. 98: Ever been on a plane?:  many times. 99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?:  indigenous people aren’t history, they still exist.  shut the fuck up and listen to them.  build a time machine to go back in time and prevent colonisers.  just straight-up kill them, we deserve it.

TMNT S02E012 - The Catwoman from Channel 6

No, no jokes about Batman’s love interest. That is low-hanging fruit I choose not to pick. Probably. Maybe.

Splinter is trying to meditate, but is constantly distracted by the sound of the monster movies the Turtles are watching.

Splinter drops in to say that too much TV rots the mind and promotes violence.... so he says to the ninjas on a cartoon TV show. I can’t tell if the show is being ironically meta or not.

Meanwhile, Shredder has Rocksteady and Bebop standing on a transporter.

Yes, they call it a matter transporter, but I’m expecting someone to say “energize.” To demonstrate what it can do, he transports Rocksteady and Bebop straight to the city dump, where they are flushed down a giant pipe into the sewers... which is not how that system works, I think.

But guess where they pop up.

Unsurprisingly a fight breaks out immediately, with Rocksteady and Bebop trashing the place, including the TV set.

Shredder decides it’s time to teleport them back just then, as an orange cat comes in looking for head scritches and crawls all over the control panel. 

Rocksteady and Bebop are zapped back to where Shredder is, and the Turtles are left confused but relieved. Fortunately Bebop and Rocksteady have no idea how to backtrack to the Turtles’ lair, because they have six brain cells apiece.

The Turtles seem a little more concerned with the fact that their TV has been smashed, so they call April and tell her that they have an emergency, and that they need her to bring a spare TV set.

Splinter also fills her in on the fight with Bebop and Rocksteady, and she finds a carton of Chinese food from Woo’s Oriental Palace that one of the goons left behind. Apparnelty the idea of letting her go there alone is enough to stir the Turtles from their TV-induced fixation, because “That place is really bad!” “And the food is even worse.”

Woo’s turns out to be a restaurant almost entirely populated by Asian stereotypes of one flavor or another.

They also don’t take to April announcing she’s a TV reporter, so she lies and says she’s a food critic instead. They might hate her even more for that. She asks Woo if he has served two customers who look like a rhino and a warthog, and he unsurprisingly does remember such individuals. Methinks they would stick in your mind. He tells her where the food went to, and she heads off to an empty building at the end of the pier.

April finds the matter transporter immediately, and starts snapping photos.

Just then the orange cat comes in, steps on some buttons, and then scampers onto the transporter pad.

April feels really weird afterwards, and is horrified that her nails are just as pointy and claw-like as they were before.

She heads home and encounters Irma, while surrounded by a small herd of cats. She’s already acting weird, vocalizing a bit like a cat and referring to Irma as a human. And after Irma leaves, she decides to lap up some milk.

The Turtles, meanwhile, have also gone to Woo’s, and the mere sight of them is enough to inspire a fight with the patrons. 

April is still acting weird, and Irma is starting to clue in that there is something odd going on with her.

April blurts out a heavily truncated version of what happened to her, just as she fully transforms into a cat mutant.

Now she wants to go back to the transporter and somehow reverse what happened. Irma tries to stop her from leaving, but she just jumps out the nearest window.

Fortunately Irma finds her Turtle Com nearly, and is able to contact the Turtles, who unsurprisingly have zero idea who she is, but agree to meet her anyway. Also, that whole visit of theirs to Woo’s was just an excuse for a fight scene.

April gets back into the room with the transporter, but Shredder and his mutants have since returned.

Fortunately for him, Shredder happens to have a cage directly over where she’s standing. 

Meanwhile, Irma meets up with the Turtles, who are employing their usual trenchcoat disguises.

April seems to have gotten kinda muddle-brained from the whole mutation thing, but then Rocksteady plops a mind-control collar on her, which makes it all even worse.

Which raises the question: if that works on a cat-person, would it work on a regular person? The possibilities of this device are not being fully explored,  my friend. 

Anyway, he sends her after Splinter, and she decides to bring a tiger along for good measure. Or rather, she lets it wander off and corner the Turtles in an alley, prompting Donatello to ask, “April, is that you?” He must think she’s incredibly mad at them for the TV thing. The tiger tries to pounce on them, and nearly gets Donatello before he gets hoisted onto the fire escape.

And as if the theme of this episode wasn’t evident, look at the pillows and wall art.

Meanwhile, Splinter is wondering where the Turtles have gotten to when he sees the shadow of a cat on the wall, and freaks out.

He lets slip that he’s apparently afraid of cats, presumably because of the whole rat thing, but not necessarily. He’s trying to meditate away his nerves when the tiger and a mutated April appear... so I’m guessing, not successful. Actually, this is probably the kind of thing he has nightmares about.

The Turtles and Irma, meanwhile, are searching for the cat that was on the pad with April.... so it should take them a few decades to locate one stray cat. Raphael even points out how ridiculously against them the odds are.

Fortunately the cat finds them, and while it snuggles him, Donatello asks again, “Is that you, April?” Donatello, there was already a cat involved in all this. Try to keep up. And on the desperate-for-female-attention kick, Raphael seems oddly pissed when Donatello says that this proves he’s April’s favorite.

Splinter calls them just long enough to say he needs help, and Irma comments that the name “Splinter” sounds “cute.” Sigh. We almost made it through an episode without Irma being sad.

Splinter tries to talk April down, but the collar is affecting her mind.

Leonardo seems to have slightly better luck getting through to her, but the collar reasserts itself and causes her to start attacking Splinter once again. Leonardo dashes forward and cuts the collar right off.

Which, unfortunately, doesn’t deal with the tiger who seems to be in a perpetual state of pissiness. Fortunately, Michelangelo just happens to have a robot mouse on his person (why?) and manages to redirect the tiger into a nearby cage. Great, but how will the zoo authorities get it back without finding their lair?

The whole matter transporter plot thread needs to be tied up, so Rocksteady and Bebop chase a mouse onto it, lightly strike the pad and cause the entire machine to explode. Damn, Dimension X tech is fragile.

Meanwhile, April has just... sort of gone back to normal. Yeah, the Turtles don’t have to do anything to restore her to her human form; she just gets over it. This is the biggest disappointment in the episode, IMHO, because it feels like a cop out. Much is made of how she has to reverse the transformation, but it turns out she just needed to sit in her apartment and eat tuna for a weekend.

Irma then shows up... don’t ask me how she knew where their lair was... because hse’s convinced herself that Splinter is her dream man. Amazingly, Splinter is NOT having a complete nervous breakdown over the events of the last day, and comes in just in time to horrify her.

VERDICT:

This one gets a stamp of “okay.” It might have ranked a little higher if the resolution of April’s whole catness hadn’t been resolved with “She got over it, end of story.” But the fact that the main problem of the plot was handled so limply just left a bad taste in my mouth.

Is this the second episode to make reference to The Fly?

Actually, there are a few elements of the story that feel like they were never really dealt with. For instance, the Turtles’ fixation on their monster movies felt a little artificial, since they didn’t seem to care that their secret home had been invaded so much as that their TV was smashed. And it just sort of petered out, since they stop watching TV and never start again.

Admittedly it was interesting to see Irma interacting with the Turtles, since she’s been talking about them for several episodes (first with disbelief and then with increasing interest). She’s a very different character from April, so it was interesting to see a different dynamic there.

Grade: C

Racing

Last week was odd, and it bled into the weekend. Colby was stressed between work, HOA, baseball, and family stuff that his taking the lead to plan the group outing to Georgia Steeplechase was a bit much for him. We also learned that he is more an ask culture, whereas I am guess culture, which caused more friction as he wanted me to ask things (to a group email where I didn’t know half the people on it) and I was uncomfortable doing so. This turned into my educating him about social anxiety and reminding him why using the phone is something I really don’t enjoy. This then seemed to be when he decided to stop calling me. :( 

Friday afternoon he popped me up on Gchat to ask if I was still picking him up from work around X time. To which I said we had never discussed that, reiterating that I had agreed to (go out of my way to) walk his dog before meeting him at #1′s home for a final night Seder. He was a bit pissy, when I asked if he wanted me to pick him up, he gave a passive-aggressive “You do you.” *exasperated sigh* The sad thing is he realizes he has these conversations or plans to have conversations in his head and that they don’t always actually happen. I’ve noticed it happens more often when he is stressed. I got fairly pissy about all of it - I was already going out of my way to help him out (and got no thanks for it)  - and he expected me to do more, including to read his mind about that more. I was really upset, working myself up to tears, and feeling very under appreciated.

The seder was different, interesting, and ended up ok. It did last a while, so I didn’t say to help clean up like I normally do, or wait for when Colby was ready. Instead, I gave my thanks to #1 and SIL, and left around 10:30pm. I was nearly asleep when he got home, to the point I didn’t have the energy to even say anything or roll over when he got back, and he thought I was completely out. 

The next morning we had to be ready, as everyone was converging on Colby’s for the caravan to Steeplechase. I wasn’t exactly a happy camper to have to get up so early (as folks were supposed to arrive around 8:30am - moreso because they started arriving closer to 8am.) I didn’t get to eat breakfast or have any private time, I was lucky to get enough time to shower and be ready. 

It was cold Saturday. And I’m the idiot that had expected it to be in the high 60s, not mid40s. Needless to say, it was exactly as Colby explained it to me, only way colder. On one hand, I didn’t burn as I expected to. On the other, I was bored and frustrated as I had expected to. It was literally just tailgating - sitting in a field for hours eating snack food, drinking heavily, and the occasional horse race that you really couldn’t see from where we were. Sure Colby was there, and some folk he works with that I met at the holiday party, and some of our game night crew. But other than being frozen (hands literally turning purple) no matter wearing Colby’s fleece and being wrapped in a blanket, I was bored and frustrated. I am not a big drinker, and being cold didn’t want to drink because that could cause issues. They were being stupid with the drinking and no one was really talking. There was nothing to do, and I had a gazillion other things I could have been doing. And because of where we were parked, and how the tents were setup, I had to wait to leave until the very end.

The thing is, Colby knew in advance that tailgating and heavy drinking aren’t things I enjoy doing or being around. He knew I went to try it out but that I was extremely wary. I told him on the drive back that I won’t be doing that again. He was disappointed, but I couldn’t care less. There is no saying I have to enjoy or do everything he enjoys/does. It isn’t like something to be supportive of, like a family event or holiday. He can f’n deal that I don’t like it and won’t go. I’m not going to stop him from going. 

When we got back I took a long, hot shower to thaw out. Because I was so cold most of the day, I barely ate anything either. Of course, that was also due to the fact I wanted to limit consumption so I didn’t need to use the port-o-potties for the 7 hours we would be there (and 90 minute drive each way.) We watched tv while he unpacked stuff, and he was surprised that as hungry as I was, I didn’t eat much. He didn’t get that after basically a day of fasting I couldn’t gorge but needed to ease back into eating at normal levels. I asked him if he could at Break the Fast after Yom Kippur, he said he had no issues with that. *le sigh*

He ended up falling asleep on the couch, for three hours. It was odd, at first I tried to stay out of his way, but eventually, we ended up with legs tangled and cuddling. He woke up for about an hour or so, by then it was nearly 11pm so I went to bed. When I woke at 5:30am and couldn’t sleep, I found he never came to bed. This had me in a spiral of bad thoughts. I ended up getting myself together and out the door to the board meeting without waking him. I texted him (once at shul) about how his not coming to bed worried and upset me. 

After the board meeting, Colby texted me. He had been sporadically texting and planning to do lunch with a friend. Up until he texted I had no idea that lunch included me. He again made it sound like it was a given I was included. Dude, you can do things with your friends without me, it’s ok! I’m not going to assume that we do all the things together all the time. And he better not assume the same when it comes to me and my friends. :P

I met them at a restaurant up the street from Colby’s and we had a lovely brunch. The friend was one of the folk from the group birthday dinner when I first met some of his friends, the day I had the car accident. It took me a while to place him. It’s slightly frustrating that Colby expects me to keep the gigantic cast of people in his life straight, after meeting someone once, 9-10 months ago and have heard nothing about since.

After brunch, it was 3pm when we got back to Colby’s. He had more unpacking and cleaning to do after Steeplechase, I ended up taking a nap - until 8pm. I didn’t realize I needed it so bad, though not entirely surprising since I had slept like crap the past two nights and spent most of Saturday shivering. :P 

Colby ended up ordering a calzone for us to split and while we ate we chatted. His friend had reinforced to Colby my timeline about getting the best deal for my house, which in turn, made him be more on board. We talked about timing, what to keep, etc. He still is leaving it up to me, though we ended up with me in tears because it felt like he wanted me to get rid of everything that was mine. He didn’t understand how some of the things I had were things I had waited years for to find or saved months for to afford. He even mentioned getting rid of my tvs. He tried to frame it as we would get all new (and matching) stuff when we got the new house. But he didn’t get that we might not be able to afford that immediately. 

We also had a not so interesting turn talking about how after his ex moved out he never reused that portion of the dresser, and he just expected me to use it. I made a comment about how I was just filling the spaces she left rather than him making space for me. Basically, insert tab B into slot A. He turned that around into how he was filing Franklin’s space, which wasn’t fair or realistic since I had a whole different space and made it mine after Franklin, Jamaica, and Bear. I had no space, I made space for Colby in my life. I made changes to my home for him, if minor since he is never here. He isn’t making changes for me, just letting me take the space his last girlfriend took from him. 

While we were eating (as most of the moving discussion was after eating while he was doing his taxes and other computer stuff.) he mentioned something about sex, which I used as a segue to remind him that his not having sex with me had become an issue. A big one. And how it’s been over a month since I said that and I haven’t seen any changes. I told him how I had found, in a random way, that his ex was pregnant and how much that saddened and hurt me. He didn’t get why. His gut reaction when I mentioned this was “Ha, sucks to be her husband when she is off her meds.” Once I explained that my reactions were, “Well at least someone is getting sex” followed by “she is the reason he won’t touch me” he got it. 

I went to bed around 1am while he was still finishing his taxes. I don’t know when he finished up, but I heard him shaving off his beard (as is his tradition) before he came to bed. He cuddled up my side of the bed, but when I tried to cuddle with him he would turn over or back away. *head shake* 

This morning I feel like he was trying to butter me up. He made a point to say how good I looked Saturday. As we left for work, he said, “You really are amazing, you know that?” “Thanks.” He followed it up with looking me in the eyes and saying, “I love you.” I’m just in such an emotional spot that I first responded with the horrible, “thanks,” then followed up with, “I love you, too.” 

On the drive home I wondered why. Well, not too much since I feel like he is struggling to say/show it. He is trying. So I acknowledge that with a thanks. Though it still feels like a dick move on my part. And, the tagged on “I love you too” felt hollow. I still don’t feel that he does love me. And I feel kinda numb and angry/frustrated about it all. I don’t mean it right now. 

I wondered, while driving, if this is that Westermark effect settling in. Is it just all my anger, hurt, and frustration? Or is it just that I’ve reached a point that I can’t trust that he’ll meet my needs, show compassion for me and what I’m doing/going through, or be there for me. It’s like I’ve finally reached a bottom (not sure if it is the bottom) and that bottom is a barren ground where no fucks can be grown. He took too damn long to tell me he loves me. He took too damn long to try to show me he cares. He still hasn’t shown me that he understands or wants to meet my needs. Not just sex, but just being held, or more kissing. 

I’m back to the imaging him proposing and my just laughing at him how he isn’t trying to meet my needs and shits over me and my stuff, how the fuck could I marry that?