#have anything new to say about it. and thats okay :)
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unconditional love. ✧ park sunghoon x fem!reader genre: bittersweet fluff, coming of age angst
you liked park sunghoon, you truly did. he was kind, intelligent, and had that soft introverted persona on the outside.
when you got to know him, he became the most funny and loudest person to ever exist, which had your heart doing backflips.
it wasn’t him that was the issue. it was you. you always had commitment issues, never being able to settle down because of your past pulling you behind. i mean—how could anyone ever like you? you felt as thought you were too loud, too annoying, too irritable, just too much.
despite your brain constantly bringing you down, park sunghoon loved you. he loved every single piece of you, the way you’d blow your perfect hair out of your face as you concentrated on the textbook in front of you, the way your eyebrows would furrow when you didn’t quite catch a question or answer, the way you’d prop your head onto your knees as a way to comfort yourself.
god, park sunghoon swore you were the one. he didn’t care that his friends warned him about your earned title of being a ghoster when it came to relationships, he didn’t care that it felt like he was constantly putting in more effort than you.
as long as he’s got you, he doesn’t care. so how did the two of you end up in this situation?
“i don’t get it,” sunghoon frowns, “what did i do wrong?”
“you didn’t do anything wrong,” you say exasperatedly, “in fact, you were perfect sunghoon. you were everything i wanted and more—it’s just me.”
park sunghoon hated the classic it’s me not you excuse when it came to situations like these. but because it’s you, he lets it slide, even though he already feels the tears coming.
“i don’t want to hurt you any longer, hoonie. you have to understand i’m ending this because i care about you too much to put you through hell.”
sunghoon solemnly nods, knowing whatever he’ll say won’t change anything, that it’s already too late and you’ve already made up your mind.
it’s cruel, he thinks. life. how it could be so depressing and meekly all at once.
it wasn’t until a year later that sunghoon and you crossed paths again. you two were now sophomores in college, and had even attended the same university.
you had gotten a boyfriend, finally deciding to settle down after maturing and realizing how much of a piece of shit you were to all the boys at your high school.
his name was heeseung and he had treated you like a princess, reminding you of how sunghoon used to treat you back in senior year.
now here you were, sitting on one of the university steps with your head hung low. your parents had given you the call about them divorcing, right in the middle of your sophomore year. you were miles away, and was heartbroken knowing your family was splitting in two without you being there physically to support them.
“hey, you okay?”
you knew that voice better than anyone.
“hoon?” you sniffle. “i’m sorry—why am i even calling you that.”
“it’s okay.” he reassures you, patting your back as he takes a seat. “what’s wrong?”
“parents are getting divorce,” you scoff. “guess thats karma for all the things i put you through.”
“don’t say that.” sunghoon gently wipes away your tears, frowning when he sees more appear.
“you shouldn’t even be comforting me, i treated you like shit sunghoon, i got a new boyfriend right after i said i couldn’t settle down with you.”
“who cares?” sunghoon says, and for the first time, you don’t see the romantic love he used to have in his eyes for you. “we’re young! of course you’re going to find other people.”
you’re in awe at the maturity sunghoon is displaying. you knew it took a lot of courage for him to do so.
“why are you being so nice, sunghoon?”
“the world is already cruel, yn.” sunghoon sighs. “so therefore, i won’t be.”
and although his words won’t stop the divorce of your parents or the sadness filling your chest, it makes you feel a tad bit lighter, knowing that you had someone like park sunghoon in your life.
#enhypen x reader#enhypen#enhypen imagines#enhypen fanfiction#enhypen fic#enhypen fluff#enhypen texts#enhypen x female reader#enhypen x y/n#enhypen x you#enhypen scenarios#enhypen soft hours#enhypen ff#sunghoon x y/n#sunghoon x you#sunghoon imagines#sunghoon x reader#sunghoon fluff#sunghoon scenarios#sunghoon fanfic
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bouncing off of (hehe) 🐰 anon from earlier, what are the girls stripper names and what are their reputations at the club?
-💌
okay omg so stripper names hmmm lets have a group discussion bc i dont think they'll do anything tacky or corny? like they're v realistic like how in showgirls nomi goes by heather and all their stripper names are just like...regular names same thing here like this is outer banks nc...BUT IF WE WANNA BE FUN LETS GO THE P-VALLEY ROUTE
pup does something astrological...maybe venus thats her ruling sign. she's like the "welcome girl" every new dancer is given the run down by her because she's the sweetest and doesn't like getting into drama but she will fight if need be don't get it twisted nobody messes with her bc nobody wants to see her mad forreal
kitten's is vaguely edgy but still sexy prob nyx or something ik we all think of the makeup but thats the primordial personification of night it fits tew meeeee. i think she's the one thats the hardest to get to know, super intimidating and likes messing with the new girls. her and bunny are known for tag teaming and scamming and everyone knows shes camming on the side and they gossip about it but are too scared to say it to her face
bunny prob goes by bunny tbh it just fits her they think they're getting someone sweet and cute boy do they not know the truth about this one. THEE scammer has like 7 side hustles and multiple sugar daddy's on the side and everyone wants to befriend her for a piece of the pie but she falls out with everyone and causes the most fights over ppl tryna steal her regulars
foxy is the one who just goes by a name thats not her own she keeps it simple. is known as the stereotypical "stripping my way through college" but its true she needs the cash and has no intentions of getting wrapped up in the other girls mess at all she just wants to get in and get out.
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A splurg of questions if thats okay: What does VTA Lamb and Narinder do on a daily basis? What are their sleeping arrangments? Routines? How does Narinder navigate the touchy awkwardness currently? Does Lamb ever ask anything of Narinder outside of being put to rest when all is done? (Is there ever any hesitancy about that still, on either side?)
OHHHHH ASKING THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS I SEE
Alr lemme think UHHHHH….this is gonna be a long one brace yourselves
What do they do on a daily basis/their routines?
Well, excluding crusades…
Lamb: basically it goes like, morning sermon, checking on the disciples individually, checking on how they are doing on supplies and stuff like that, and just going around the cult making sure everything is working properly, sometimes sending a follower or two on errands to get more stuff if needed. They normally have a little checklist with them to not forget (which they tend to make the night prior). They also go on walks sometimes, in which Narinder usually tags along (I think I answered an ask about this before but am not sure). They walk in silence 80% of the time, and sometimes they stop by the Lamb’s favorite spot (a tree up a small hill close to the limits of the cult grounds). After this Lamb goes back to their room and does NOT sleep unless they really really need to (which can be up to 6 days without sleep)
Narinder on the other side: wakes up, Morning sermon, checking the protection he set around the cult is still working, cleaning the Lamb’s statue (and leaving offerings, usually flowers), following the Lamb around a bit, checking on the Lambs’ memorial altar (set up by the lamb when they first started crusading. Narinder started taking care of it after they died), and then if it is a silent walk day he just goes and tags along. Sometimes he tries to give gifts to the Lamb, but they are usually rejected or immediately disposed of. Still, doesn’t discourage him. After the walk or if there was no walk at all he goes back to his hut and sleeps. Lemme say that cat sleeps a LOT. Which brings us to the next question
Sleeping arrangements:
It’s basically like this.
Both their sleep schedules are concerning for very different reasons. Lamb doesn’t sleep nearly enough, practically avoiding it like the plague. It was easier when they had the crown cuz sleeping was more of a choice, but now that they are stuck in a semi-mortal body that has semi-mortal needs it’s not as easy as it was. They dread it. Because every time they go and sleep there’s a new nightmare waiting for them. About what? About what not, really. They are haunted. And funnily enough Narinder barely shows up in these dreams, and when he does it’s usually in the form of a memory or a comforting presence. Usually
So yeah avoid sleep at all costs!!
And then there’s Nari who just sleeps an unhealthy amount of time ever since he was freed. The cultists assumed he probably needed big amounts of sleep for some reason and just rolled with it. They were wrong. In fact Narinder doesn’t need to sleep AT ALL, but he enjoys it. He finds his dreams comforting especially cuz a certain someone tends to show up. Before resurrecting the Lamb this was his way to process his grief, but after resurrecting them he is finding it very hard to leave the habit behind and honestly? Why should he. Now,
How does Narinder handle the touchy awkwardness?
Oh boy does he struggle. Lamby here tolerates his presence but they made their point clear. They don’t wanna talk. And Narinder respects that, begrudgingly. He does however, bring them gifts as mentioned before, hoping this can somehow ease things a little between them (This is the way in which he knows to give affection, offerings.), but naturally it is ineffective. He is protective of them too, but mostly from afar.
Does Lamb ever ask anything from Narinder aside from their initial request?
Sometimes, but it’s rare. They do however ask him at one point to please take better care of himself. And other stuff later on in the story. But currently, just the occasional “Please go get this or that” or asking for his company during crusades, mostly cuz that’s both their responsibility.
And so we get to the best one.
Is there any hesitancy about it?
OH BOY IS THERE. A big chunk of the main arc revolves around what they both truly want and have wanted for a long time but their lack of communication kept them from. Narinder straight up hates the idea of having to let Lamb go again. While the Lamb is exhausted and feels betrayed, but a part of them wishes to remain with Narinder for the rest of eternity, so that makes things more complicated
See, they’ll eventually talk this all out but that’s after they actually start crusading and are basically obligated to spend time together. Everything I listed here eventually starts to shift as the story progresses , shifts that include Narinder getting into knitting to avoid sleeping all day, discussions about what ifs, lamb accepting some gifts and eventually asking Nari to please not go where they can’t follow. Fun stuff :]
HOPEFULLY THAT WASNT TOO LONG OF A RAMBLE (who am I kidding it was UHM.) and also hope very much it answered your questions :>!!!
#cult of the lamb#vows to ash au#ami answers!#they’re just silly#this’ll eventually all be covered hehe
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i keep coming back to 'i was a functioning alcoholic til nobody noticed my new aesthetic' because i do distinctly remember conversations about how taylor seemed to be drinking a lot more and getting drunk at like every awards show she went to. and those conversations were coming from a place of concern and of hoping that she was alright and that this wasn't a problem.
so to then say 'ugh i can't believe no one noticed this problem i had' when i know that people definitely did, and on the same album say that fans who are genuinely concerned about a new relationship that you are in are just 'bitching and moaning'? what do you want from them? you're talking about so many people who do at least believe that they are coming from a place of care and concern, and you are totally dismissing them on both ends of a scale!
not to mention that her implying that since nobody (???) was noticing her ~aesthetic~ drinking problem she just stopped having it is a bit of a kick in the teeth to people who do have drinking problems and can't just stop having them, since that's not how it fucking works.
#today on things about this album that make me want to scrEAM#just the word aesthetic even being in that sentence. please stop.#i think my cynicism has just been brewing for like a whole year at this point and i finally have something to let it out on#maybe even over a year. i have been saying since the tour was announced that she should do tour and finish the rereleases during it#thats the end of eras. the tour the rerecords all finished.#and then take a break. a proper break with no anything going on.#and then take the time to make a solid new album to be released in say 2025/26#obviously this did not happen lol#okay imma use anti tags i don't want the swifties coming for me but. these opinions are important to me and i wanted to voice them.#cannot guarentee that i will not have more to say on this matter at a later time#anti taylor swift#anti ttpd#mae posts#tw drinking#tw alcohol#tw alcoholism
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I have a big google doc thing where I keep track of media and stuff (putting everything in loosely ranked categories), which is mostly just for my own reference so I know what tv shows I've already seen before, etc. and I never really look back through it, typically just a quick "okay, watched two movie in the past 8 months, need to quickly slap them somewhere in the lists. okay. done. save document. exit". But today I was actually reading through some of the old notes and there are like... MULTIPLE places where my comment is basically "It would have been good if it were about elves" or "I wish there was a fantasy show made in this same style" or "It's well made, but I just keep thinking about how I would like it more if everyone was an elf or was in old 1700s costumes" or etc like...... lol.... Most biased media ranking system on earth blatantly made by someone with an extremely hyperspecific range of narrow interests. It'd be like if a food reviewer only had 5 foods they actually liked, so they'd just go to a pizza place and be like "eh, the pizza was okay, but I just think it would be better if it was cereal instead. :/ ...2 out of 10"
#Which.. I mean... I am allowed to be biased because literally it's just for my own personal reference (or occasionall#y to send to friends or something if we're discussing the topic) so like.. nowhere am I saying 'I am the god of perfect taste and these#rankings are objectively the absolute truth and everyone should have my same opinion' or anything#BUT still.. it's funny to me sometimes#'Succession would be 100x better if it had the same cast/character quirks and shaky camera style and#acting choices/weird dialogue and general concept etc. EXCEPT it takes place within an elven noble family or something#managing the family business and everyone is in fantasy costumes now'' like.....okay...... but it's NOT that way..soo... thats not the show#''I like the acting style/general tone of Fleabag but i don't care for any of the characters or any of the subject matter and I wish it was#set in the 1800s and had vampires and was about magic instead'' okay..... again... you are making up an entirely new show in that case lol#OR my other beloved typical complaint ''The concept is good but theres too much plot and action and not enough people just sitting#around doing nothing and exposition dumping world and character lore'' ''this needs more goofy sideplots and filler episodes''#''this Drama was too dramatic I think it should be more lighthearted & people need to sit around doing nothing just being weird more often'#''the Action Movie was ok except for the action scenes - which I skipped through all of- but I liked the costumes and worldbuilding'' etc.#ERM sorry your plot has too much plot. also elves have to be included somehow. bye#BUT SERIOUSLY!!!!!! I literally genuinely believe that any show I like (or even dislike) could ALWAYS be improved greatly by#putting people in fantasy or historical costume/setting/etc... why the FUNK would I want to see bland jeans and cars and cell phones#when I could see elaborate velvet cloaks and fantastical landscapes and interior design and innovative takes on historical or#magical technology or etc. etc. etc. I LIVE in the modern day. I see it all the time!!! BORING! stinky!! boo!!!#ANYWAY... another social divide for me.. People love to bond by discussing media. which is hard when I'm like#'I literally will not watch something at all unless it fits into one of these 10 extremely specific categories which are all i care about i#the entire world''.. I say this and yet I still dislike most fantasy or historical things I've watched lol. ok TWO main criteria then!!#it must 1. be in a different world or time period. 2. be goofy silly. Nothing ever has BOTH. It's always overly serious boring drama action#fantasy/history stuff OR it's comedic lighthearted but with modern day characters... WHY.. anguish and woe and so on..#ANYWAY jhjnk... at least I can make that divide. Some people seem to project their own personal preferences and get really emotionally#defensive if you say you didn't like something - as if the fact that they DO like it is some Objective Truth or something rather than just#opinion/preference based. I can still easily say ''this is well made/well written/acted/good in a technical sense/has a lot of#points of appeal that most people would be drawn to/etc'' and admit that it's a GOOD show probably. I just PERSONALLY think its#bad because my tastes are very narrow. Some things ARE actually made badly but. things are not bad INHERENTLY just bc they dont suit ME lol#Better to recognize/accept whats odd about you and be peacefully aware of it than just being mad at everyone all the time for not fully#agreeing with you even when you're the one with the Weird opinion in that case lol.. I am right though :3 but.. lol... still. i get it
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i have so many thoughts about gohan and goten its kind of unreal
#and what am i gonna do... write about it? get serious#what can i say i love siblings in media :(#gohan who hardly got a childhood and spent it solely around people twice his age and maturing way faster#than he should have and then his dad dies (again) and he has to take care of his mom and his new baby brother#and he is 10!#and goten who got to experience peace thanks to his mystical legendary warrior of a dad and everyone tells him he looks like him and#how amazing and great he was and all he grows up seeing is the damage done to his family and then BOOM he just. comes back.#and listen i love goku okay im not a goku is a terrible father believer. he loves his family. but hes not a good dad by any means#gohan is trying to grow up while taking care of his mom and making sure his little brother never has to go through anything like he did#and at least goten has trunks! the only same aged friend gohan gets is dende and thats only because#hes off on a space mission at SIX YEARS OLD??? and then he gets his fucking neck broken and almost DIES#i could keep going.
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cons of hyperfixating SPECIFICALLY on an oc: eventually you will be the only person who does not have fatigue from seeing this guy over and over again
#my stuff#i am aware.#like with rw or fr or something even if some people got tired of me posting it there are more fans than i can count so its not really#a big deal#but uh. well. my characters do not have a fanbase lol#and thats fine! it just means i have to accept that sometimes im going to be drawing things a lot and people probably wont#have anything new to say about it. and thats okay :)#if theres anything that getting less than 10 notes on my average original art post for the past 5 years has taught me.#its that i should just draw and post whatever makes me happy. because no matter how good or cool you think your characters/art may be#if you arent consistently active or if you just arent lucky or good at 'selling' your blog you simply wont get very much interaction on her#and thats part of why i want to follow more small art blogs!!! i want to be someones interaction!
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had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what
#lolaa.txt#what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!'#'i wouldnt lie to you!'#okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time.#its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa#also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!'#yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up.#i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men#and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man#so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up.#and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face#that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense.#shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin#you dont have to worry about anyone else.#im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to#never really have#im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are#if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box#then when would you have any space for self discovery#youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats#and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that.#and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names#and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy#and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares.#and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look?#then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness.#SORRY RANT OVER.#im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric.#tw homophobia#tw transphobes
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Trans kiryu is a genuinely funny hc because like trans majima is like oohh angst ohh she has to fight to be accepted she has to deal with people making fun of her for being a man in a dress she has to take into account her position and social standing and kiryu is literally just kiryu forever because the universe loves him too much to ever force him into a situation unless its to go to prison in which case hes like yayyy i love jail yayy yayyy
#Yakzua loveblog#im just talking to myself you guys dont need to read anything#in fact dont read this im going to talk about transphobic nishiki again anyway#my transphobic nishiki hc is the most important one to me because. like we all need to have some transphobic people in our lives#i do think that nishiki calls him ‘kiryu’ even though theyre best friends forever because when nishiki will always accidentally say his#deadname instead of ‘kazuma’ even though i know that nishiki is literally the one who gave him the name kazuma to make fun of kiryu for#thinking hes a boy and it just kind of stuck but nishiki eventually stuck. with calling him kiryu because thats how he prefers to be called#they are bestfriends for a reason .... and nishiki is the only one kiryu will let be transphobic towards him because theyve known each other#for forever and he knows he means no harm by it like he will still hit him but nishiki takes it in stride because its their thing and its#never not funny to make kiryu annoyed like for anyone else its an uncrossable line but once a month nishiki will lead kiryu into the womens#section to shop for new clothes and kiryus like Somehow i always knew you wore womens jeans and nishikis like HEY !!!!#but as kids they were always very cute because theyre always together and you can never really tell whos following who because it seems like#theyre on the same wavelength until nishiki realises that life is so much easier when youre working smart so he went to work on his INT stat#while kiryu never stopped being a wild animal like hes literally some sort of monkey to me sorry for dehumanising him because of his autism#like i adore his ‘own little bubble’ way of life as long as he’s physically okay kiryus not going to complain about anything. like when he#said ‘i decide to do things based on whether i love it or hate it’ im like Yeah i bet you do. he sits outside the orphanage all day playing#with rocks until nishiki comes finds him then they both go outside to smash open windows with the rocks kiryu has gathered and kiryus in his#little skirt and he always uses it to carry things in you know how it is and he stopped going to school to be a bigger menace than everyone#anyway did i mention that the universe loves kiryu. especially his genes he was very lucky because he never had a big chest or nothing he#was always going to get tall and thick in the shoulders and beefy and when he cut his hair it just sealed the deal he passed with flying#colours like young children are indistinguishable by gender unless they have a big pink bow in their hair but kiryu radiated masculinity#from a young age and his aggressive way of life didnt help. well it helped a lot actually. a lot of people were scared of him and nishikis#like dont be scared of kiryu shes nice when you get to know her and everyones like ?? thats a girl ???#in fact it made more sense for kiryu to be a boy at that point so he went to kazama and told him and kazama was like ok lets make it happen#like kiryu and nishiki are so special because there is nobody in the universe more transphobic to kiryu than his own brother but also nishik#was the one helping kiryu shop for boy clothes when he was clueless about it like hes not stupid but he really doesnt know about fashion and#he trusts nishiki to not make him look stupid and nishiki is of course like 😏 well well well youre having a girl moment arent you#nishiki is okay with kiryu being a guy because this means that now whenever kiryu hits him he can fight back without being misogynistic#okay im done talking my noodles are getting cold but kiryu as a kid would have been a veritable nightmare#oh yeah my trans beam extended to nishitani as well because just look at him. everybody majima wants to sex is trans
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movies right now are bad because people are embarrassed of making them. like you look at shit from the 70s and 80s and they just take a weird ass concept but really commit to it. it may not be the fucking cinematic event of the year but it can be a cult classic because there is passion behind it that engages an audience. but now even if you have a good idea it just gets couched in 10 layers of irony and self deprecation for even deigning to make a movie when there are already SOOO many movies!!!1!! what else is there to say?!!1! 🤪 that any spirit it may have had, any originality it had, anything they could have actually said with it just disappears and youre left with just a husk of a story meant to be megaadversited on netflix for a week only to be watched once and never thought about again
#trying to watch anything new nowadays feels like im just begging to have two hours of my time wasted#like. i watched the orig hellraiser the other day and like yeah its fucking weird its definitely not my favorite horror ever but they dont#give a shit. theyre like yeah ur gonna watch this movie abt an evil sex puzzle box who gives a fuck we are committing to the bit!!!!!!!#but today you watch something as innocuous as like. a teen romcom. and theyre like oh my fucking god sorry about this#sorry that we’re making a movie this is stupid i hate it. no you should go watch old movies because they did it better just turn this off#we’re so embarrassed ughhh sorryyyy sorry#LIKE. HAVE A SHRED OF FUCKING CONFIDENCE THAT YOU CAN WRITE SOMETHING WELL AND IT WILL SHOW. there are plenty of movies that are not the#most original thing ever. that are derivative. that tell a story thats been told before. but it can still be GOOD if you find a new way to#tell it. if you find something new to say about it. if you put in different types of people.#UGHHH UGH UGH UGH. okay sorry. just did some letterboxd reviews for recent watches and so many of them look the same bc i keep saying this
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god. i hate socializing and i hate talking to people . why cant i just look at someone i wanna be friends with and go hey ur cool let's be friends now
#i need . Friends. Desperately#but also i hate. HATE talkikign to people because i never have like. naything to talk about. ever#im in a gc with like ~7 other ppl who i was irl friends with at one point#and GOD. i wanna talk to all of them again#one of them reached out to me a while back n she and i talked but i just didnt. know. what to say#i am so used to talking to my gf and my best friend who ive known for several YEARS that when i try to talk to someone new#or someone i havent spoken to in a while im just like . okay. i have to act normal and not weird#i cant keysmash in response to everything they say i actually have to say WORDS. or else theyll be like . huh#and then it gets to a point where im just like ogh i dont know what eo even say anymore but i wanna keep this conversation Going#but then i just dont . say anything. and they dont say anything. and we go silent again for another couple months#recently lso i noticed one of my old old internet friends started being online on discord again#and i wa lsike oh my gOD its THEM!!!!!! i havent talked to them in like. 2 ish years? maybe longer?#but. idk. i didnt reach out to them. bc i was like. what if they dont remember me#thats another thing i feel like i come across old internet friends on here sometimes on tumblr and im just like oh i remember you but#ive switched accounts and changed usernames so many different times that im just like. oh. you probably dont remember me#and even if i told you who i was. that i was so-and-so from 4 years ago. you wouldn't remember me. so oh well!!!!!#so now im just . sitting here <33 i want friends but making them is hard and keeping them is even harder . dies
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I was going back through my old school stuff from like 1st grade and there was this like journal where we had to write like a couple sentences each day to practice writing and stuff and i had this one day where part of what I wrote was "I hate myself today because I had to change my card to yellow" (the cards were like discipline things so you started with green and if you weren't being good you had to stand up and go to the front of the class to change your card) and I don't remember what it was for but I'm sure I was just like maybe talking or something like that.
But like damn. Even just thinking about the times I had to change my cards in those classes makes me want to cry. I remember always being so upset anytime the teachers weren't happy with me and then I think about me now and how I'm always expecting people to think the worst of me or be hiding that they don't like me or always expecting the other shoe to drop even if they've been telling me I'm doing a good job because I'm bad and I need them to just tell me why and what exactly they're holding back
And I've got a review coming up at work soon with my bosses since it's almost my 6 year anniversary of working there and all I can think is oh good now they can stop telling me how great I am and how happy they are to have me there and just tell me everything I'm doing wrong because I know the compliments aren't right and they have to have been holding back what all my issues are.
And I think something in my upbringing may have kind of fucked my head up... just a little bit
#peeerrhaps i should start looking at therapists again to work on some isssssuuuueeesss....#the last one was not that helpful but she was the first person i looked at and tried and she did well enough#just didnt really get deep into anything under the surface#i literally cant take compliments. like idk if its like a youre supposed to be humble so dont let it go to your head thats turned into#dont internalize any praise ever but if anyone ever complains about you then its real and you should internalize it times a thousand#or maybe its just a i kinda hate myself and dont feel like i deserve good things or anything ever#i think some of it is im ashamed about my stupid inability to get to work on time. like if i force it and work myself up#maybe i can be on time like a few days in a row#but the momentum drops so fucking fast and then im back to well im here before we open even if i was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago#but also like i get there before stuff is going on and like its not that late and i havent mentioned the issue because#i feel like if i did theyd say oh well then just get here at the later time youve been arriving close to its fine#but then stupid brain will go okay so this is the new time which means that im going to shift to arriving even later#so i just have to keep relying on the shame and guilt and panic to get me there in the mornings#which is not fun#i just hope the review goes well other than my bad time management#i feel like it will... hopefully. theyve talked about possibly 'promoting me' which would be me doing the same stuff ive been doing#basically but then id just have the title (and pay 🤞) to go along with that#i dont want to get my hopes up but we'll see what happens#im going to like try super hard to get to work on time until the review though and like after but still#come on clarissa do a good job
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im just waiting until the day i can get married and be a mom what do you mean i have to “go to college” and “have ambitions”
#i do not want to#i do not want it#i do not want to be in the claws of the education system anymore#i want to learna and enjoy intellectual things on my own time#i hate school and i hate the way it works and i hate being there for 8 hours even if i enjoy what im learning i just hate the way#school treats its students and i hate how much is required of you i really really hate it#i hate that i have to write a 20 page thesis and present it in front of the entire school to graduate like BITCH IM PRETTY SURE MY ONLY#CAREER IS GOING TO BE MOTHERHOOD AND IM 100% OKAY WITH THAT AND WANT IT#i dont have ambitions i dont have special subject interests i dont have anything that i want to do in life except have babies🧍🏻♀️#bro i wanna have a family and play piano and thats basically it i am a Simple girl#maybe im just in a mood bc im on my period but these are definitely not new tjouvhts i have Definitely had these before#i would thrive back in the times when women didnt go to school💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀PERHAPS THAT IS A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY BUT#DO U EVER WISH THAT. YOU COULD JUST BE A SIMPLE LADY AND LEARN HOME SKILLS AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ESSAYS AND GPA AND STANDARDIZED TESTS#I DO NOT HAVE SKILLS I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO COOK WELL AND THIS BOTHERS ME BUT I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME OR EN#ENERGY TO INVEST MYSELF IN THESE THINGS BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS AND SAD BECAUSE SCHOOL REALLY FUCKS YOU UP MAN#god i hate it here i hate school all the girlies are depressed and this girlie wishes she was not required to be formally educated#froegis meep tag
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It is possible I have fell into an emotional pit of despair solely because it has finally hit me that in less than two months I will 19 and I have never even had my first kiss or experienced any form of romantic love, fuck I've barely experienced platonic love
#okay maybe thats not the only thing making me sad lately but its what i cant help but focus on#but like i generally dont know what i meed to do to go about getting a girlfriend#like i rarely meet new people#okay yes i recently moved countries which resulted in meeting nnew people but also i have only met like 2 gay people and neither were singl#though to be fairthe last proper crush (and maybe only like proper crush) i had was on one of my best friends#and ahe now has a girlfriend#and never liked me like that#like i say best friend but i dont think she ever really cared for me as a friend let alone anything else#i didnt have any other friends at the time tho so#maybe im just unloveable#no but actually what is there to love
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ah heem heem......
#literally my boss called me into her office and was like 'if you have anything to say tell me now'#'if we start the investigation and find anything we have to fire you'#and i was like 'you know me. you know that i have never taken anything and never paid for it.'#ive taken stuff and paid for it later that day or the next day#but NEVER?? no#i love this stupid job why would i steal from it#and in her defense she did say that there was no bad blood and we were okay#but like that means that if she sees something weird its like 'nothing personal youre fired'#i literally know she WONT fiind anything weird. thats the point. i didnt do anything#but it makes me feel suspicious and that me saying i didnt do anything is an admission of uilt#guilt#aand the more upset and nervous i get the less believable i seem#which makes me MORE UPSET AND NERVOUS#and i told a coworker about it and they really were acting like i did it#like BITCH IVE KNOWN YOU FOR YEARS YOU THINK I DID IT???#have i stolen before?? did i used to steal all the time and just dont remember???#what if i took something once and was like 'yeah i'll pay for it later tonight' and forgot and now its gonna cost me my job#because heres the thing#that VERY WELL couldve happened#my adhd is a fucking bad i very well couldve done that#she picked the perfect time to accuse me of this to retaliate too#last month we lost a lot of money at our snack market#which indicates a lot of theft#and i live here so it'd be easy for me to do#that doesnt mean i did it tho#god this is so upsetting#and this is gonna be a no news is good news situation bc i dont imagine they'll call me in and be like#'we went over months of footage and you have been found NOT guilty! :D'#like no if they dont find anything they'll just never bring it up again#but like that means im gonna be waiting for the other shoe to drop for the rest of the time im working here
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back 2 missing it 👍🏼
#dreams are evil sometimes#i didn’t realize how much its like. ripples would ripple on but i’ve been in the same zombie daze as before with the. random thoughts#n little like. ideas to my own detriment that just make me wish things would like. bippity boppity boo themselves perfect or at least okay#like it’s fine and i’ll be fine but it’s also. so different GDJDHDH#like sometimes it really feels like i woke up in the wrong timeline GDJDHDDH#like that one fragment thats like. my hope says this isnt how its meant to be and the world says but this is how it is#like it really feels like that sometimes because it just#like it doesn’t feel. right. it doesn’t make sense. i was supposed to make things better. but i feel like i’ve left all worse than i met it#i remember initially feeling so sure that i didn’t regret any of it regardless of where things went#but then i think of the guilt i’ve created too in the midst of all of it and like. i wonder if i can truly honestly say#that having what was had was worth what i have or mightve left them with#like the cost unto myself is worth it but i don’t feel like the cost unto them was#but more than anything i’m just. sad? like it wasn’t. i know there was little i couldve done but it still just. feels like i.#dunno#in any case dreams are. horrible sometimes and it sucks DHDHDHD at least give me. some sort of escapism. and not#like. watching what could be Not Be and then watching what probably will be and gettibg zoom ins on how different it is#i know im supposed to be open to new. anything. but its just. like. it feels so wrong HDJDHD like it wasnt supposed to be. someone else.#i’m just. mad at how things canve so unfair. again. and i held myself back from dwelling on it for 2 days#so i’m gonna let myself cry about it and then i’m going to get water and then i’ll decide if i ever wanna consider it again#mano.mindtalk#neg
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