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bearbluebooks · 3 months

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No Man is An Island

“Do you want children?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want.”

- Azriel Chapter 22 ACOSF

“Patience,” he urged as he ran a reassuring hand through her obsidian hair. With an exasperated sigh Catrin said, “Okaayyyyy daddy.”

The next day, her patience paid off. Before she could even ask the question, he said, “We’re going to the beach.” When it came to his daughters happiness, he didn’t know patience either. The smile on his daughter’s face was so bright, it warmed his heart to a degree he didn’t think was possible.

Gwyn and Azriel spend a day at the beach with their children, and Azriel reflects on his answer to the question ‘what do I want?'

Read under the cut or on AO3

Word count: 2371 words

Rating: Teen and Up

A bittersweet feeling washed through his body when he thought back to the moment in the dining room when Rhys told them about Feyre’s pregnancy. How Cassian had asked if he ever wanted children and that his answer was, “It doesn’t matter what I want.”

In truth, he didn’t think he would ever get close enough to someone to want to explore that aspect of life. To face every emotion that came with that decision- the fear, the shame, the lingering trauma.

More importantly, he didn’t think someone would ever choose him. Not once they knew about his troubled past. Or when they found out that the scars on his hand paled in comparison to the scars on his heart and mind. On his soul.

That’s what life had shown him, one failed relationship after the other. Five hundred years of pining after Mor became five hundred years of proving to himself that he wasn’t good enough.

Then there was Elain, who proved his two brothers were good enough to be mates to two sisters, unlike him. That didn’t stop him from chasing her in a desperate bout to show himself and the world that he was good enough. That he deserved to feel love. But all that gave him was more proof that love wasn’t meant for him- not in childhood, and not in adulthood.

Then Gwyn came into his life. Like a whirlwind on a calm day. Like that rare ray of sunshine in his cell. She was everything and she became his everything. Most days he still couldn’t believe his luck.

Today was one of those days, when luck couldn’t begin to describe what he was feeling. Standing on the soft sand which tickled his feet. With the sun high in the sky, casting its warm rays of light onto Azriel, Gwyn, and their two children.

Light brown sand separated the sea from the land beyond. Palm trees softly swayed in the rare cold wind. Offering a welcome reprieve from the hot summer day. A saltiness hung in the air, adding to the freshness of the air.

Summer court had the best seas, as proven by the enormous blue expanse in front of them. Light reflected off the surface in little dancing diamonds. The water was clear enough to hint at the mysteries that lay beneath.

The small paradise was empty save for them and a few others scattered across the huge sandy expanse.

Ever since he spotted the secluded spot on one of his reconnaissance missions, he knew he would bring his family.

Today was the day.

All the conditions were right, Azriel and Gwyn didn’t have a mission, their children had the day off, and the weather was agreeable. More than little Catrin who begged and begged to go to the sea. Ever since one of her classmates told her about the magical blue waves that hid nymphs, Catrin’s sole mission in life was to visit the sea. Gwyn used it as an opportunity to explain that she was part nymph, which made Catrin part nymph too. Catrin’s excitement only grew. So much so that it could barely be contained in her little body. “Daddy daddy daddy, please can we goooooo?” Catrin would ask with wide pleading teal eyes every morning. Every morning he had to answer, “Not today, my little shadow.” It hurt his heart to deny his daughter anything, but he wanted her first time to be memorable. He wanted the weather to be sunny and the waves to be patient. “We’ll go soon, I promise,” he assured her, hoping it didn’t break her heart too much.

Unbeknownst to her, every morning without fail, before he set foot in his daughter's room, he sent his shadows to check if the conditions were right.

One day, just as he opened the door, a small yet determined voice said “I will go by myself.”

“My shadows can take me too,” she said with an adorable pout and crossed arms. Azriel had to force himself not to chuckle.

He had heard about ‘childhood puberty’. He’d seen it. Nyx was a menace at that age. He vividly remembered the incident with the chandelier, when he just learned how to fly and got one of his wings stuck in the golden contraption.

Somehow he knew, with his Catrin, it had less to do with her age, and more with her personality. There was another teal-eyed female in their family whose will was so strong, that nothing could break it. And he loved them both dearly for it.

“Patience,” he urged as he ran a reassuring hand over her obsidian hair. With an exasperated sigh, Catrin said, “Okaayyyyy daddy.”

The next day, her patience paid off. Before she could even ask the question, he said, “We’re going to the beach!” When it came to his daughter's happiness, he didn’t know patience either. The smile on his daughter's face was so bright, it warmed his heart to a degree he didn’t hold possible.

“Let’s go, mom and your little brother are waiting downstairs.”

Her bouncing body and outstretched hands held the same urgency as his words, “I want to go. I want to go. I want to go.” At record speed, she got dressed and ready. Within minutes they stepped into his shadows which took them to the land of magical waves and hidden nymphs.

There was still despair. Beron still schemed to take over more territory in Prythian. And Koschei still formed a threat even though he was still trapped in the lake.

But on a day like today, all he could feel was hope- when he looked into his son’s hazel eyes, heard his little girls laugh, and felt his mate’s touch.

Gwyn looked amazing in her burgundy bikini. The color complimented her hair as much as it contrasted the teal in her eyes. Today, she wore her hair high in a bun, showing off all her freckles scattered across her body. Her long legs moved through the shifting sand with ease. Her hips swayed in a motion that resembled a song he couldn’t stop listening to. His eyes were transfixed on her full ass, her scattered freckles, and her confident strides. Azriel was so engrossed by her beauty, that he didn’t catch the male staring at her from across the beach until one of his shadows informed him, someone is looking at our mate, Shadowsinger.

Anger slowly made him see a different kind of red, as he balled his hands into fists and scanned the beach for the horrible male who dared to look at his Gwyn. On the opposite side of the beach, there was a male who slowly undressed Gwyn with his eyes.

There wasn’t much his hands could do, not when he was carrying their son. Luckily, five hundred years of existence taught him a thing or two about non-verbal warfare.

The rational part of him knew she was his and he was hers. The irrational part screamed mate, mate, mate, and demanded action. Demanded for that male to be punished for even so much as looking at his Gwyn. There was no rational part left when he expanded his wings to their full length and stared the man down with a promise of a slow death. His shadows gathered around him, like snakes ready to strike. He would take him to Hewn City and take his time. Ripping off- the thought was interrupted by a reassuring caress on his arm, reminding him where he was, who he was with. When he looked up, he saw such stillness reflected in her eyes, it rivaled the calmest seas.

A rush of stillness went through him, like a tidal wave of rest, taking away the rising anger with it. “I think you’ve scared him enough,” she said with a reassuring smile.

Most people would balk at the show of aggression. Would be scared of him. Would run in the other direction. Just like the male currently did. Not Gwyn. Never Gwyn. “Let’s go for a swim,” she said instead as she held his scarred hand in hers.

When Orrin touched the cold water of the sea, it became clear he wasn’t as enamored by it as his big sister. Cries of woe spread echoes across the water. Rippling its calm waves. The sound traveled through his bones, urging him to act immediately. “I’ll take him back,” Azriel said to Gwyn who was playing with Catrin in the sea, “Have fun,” he added before he gave Gwyn a quick kiss. Gwyn gave him a small smile in return.

Azriel held his little boy tight in his arms, rocking him gently as he walked them both back towards the safety of land. “It’ll be alright,” he reassured him as he bounced him up and down. “Daddy is here.”

The words temporarily brought him back to his own youth. Back to the little room and the horrors that occurred in the darkness that replaced his childhood. All the times when he wished his dad, anybody, would be there. Instead, his shadows kept him company. Replacing that warmth he craved deeply, with the cold touches of shadow, and whispers of all that occurred outside.

When Gwyn told him she was pregnant, terror filled his body before joy could. He was convinced he would fuck up just like his dad did. When Gwyn saw the fear in his eyes, she held his face in her hands as if he was the most precious thing to exist in the world, and said “You will be a great dad Az,” her thumb caressed his cheek, “I will kick the ass of everybody who says otherwise.” When he smiled she added, “Including you.”

When he looked back at the love of his life, he saw his shadows follow Gwyn like cats. Twisting and vying for a spot closest to her.

She always looked freer in the water, where she moved with such fluidity it was as if she’d been made from it. Where she could take in the freshness of the sea breeze, and feel the rays of sun on her pale skin. After every beach visit new freckles would appear out of thin air- kissing her nose, framing her long legs, gracing her breasts. That same night, he would make it his personal mission to find each new one and worship it like every other part of her body.

Her hair formed a stark contrast with the blueness of the waves, which allowed him to find her wherever she moved. Her eyes, on the other hand, were so bright blue, that he could easily mistake them for the sea. She looked so at home, that part of him was afraid the sea would claim her as one of its own.

When he averted his gaze to his daughter, he saw only excitement. Initially, Catrin grimaced when the coldness of the sea hit her wings. When Gwyn taught her how to swim, excitement quickly replaced the wariness.

Azriel watched the scene contentedly with his baby boy calm in his arms.

Catrin and Gwyn stayed in the sea for so long that their fingers were all wrinkly. “Look daddy, my hands are like grandma!” Catrin said excitedly. “Let’s not tell grandma that,” Azriel joked.

“Did you see a nymph?” Azriel asked. “I am a nymph,” Catrin replied with such confidence he couldn’t help but laugh. “And part Illyrian, Shadowsinger, and high fae,” Gwyn added.

“I am amazing,” she said.

“You are,” Gwyn confirmed as she placed a soft kiss on her head.

“Come here,” Azriel urged when he saw Gwyn slightly shiver. When she neared where he sat on a towel, the smell of Jasmin and vanilla enveloped him, beckoning him home. Gwyn gratefully snuggled into his side and Catrin quickly took up a seat in her mother’s lap. Azriel stretched out his wings to offer shelter against the coldness of the wind which made light flitter through the membranes of his wings, casting soft patterns onto the sand.

“Daddy I’m hungry,” Catrin murmured from next to him.

“Didn’t you catch some fish?” He asked in his most serious voice. “I’m just seven daddy.” She answered with crossed arms. “Fishies are my friends. I eat sandwiches and candy.”

Steel resolve that one, just like her mom.

“Open the bag,” he urged her.

“Sandwiches and candy!” She yelled excitedly as she jumped out of her mom’s arms.

“Sandwiches and candy,” Gwyn said just as excitedly. “Well done daddy,” she added with a smile so bright it rivaled the sun.

“Let me first, give your baby brother some food, and then your daddy and I will join,” Gwyn explained. With outstretched hands, she took Orrin from his hands. He made sure to cover them from sight by enveloping them in his wings. As soon as Gwyn finished, Catrin stood in front of them with the promised sandwiches and candy, “Eat, eat, eat.”

And ‘eat, eat, eat,’ they did.

Azriel ate his sandwich looking at the sea, when the answer to the question resounded in his mind. If it was up to him, he wanted to have a love that resembled the sea, infinite and unconditional. A depth unknown even to them.

But he never dared voice it in that living room five years ago. It seemed more likely to count every star in the sky than find the kind of love he dreamt of. To feel that he deserved that kind of love seemed even more impossible.

Then he looked at Catrin, who almost inhaled her sandwich, at Orrin, who still looked a little bit drunk from his mother’s milk, and Gwyn, who had such a bright smile on her lips, that he thought his heart might explode. And he knew he had everything his heart never dared to hope for.

“Are you okay, Az?” Gwyn asked slightly worried. Undoubtedly feeling the mix of emotions through the mating bond. “Never been better love,” he said as he ran reassuring caresses up her back. “I love you,” he added, hoping she knew the single word could never express the full depth of his love. She placed a searing kiss on his mouth and communicated everything words couldn’t, me too.

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