#grad school is in less than a month this is a terrible time to start new fics | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xiaq · 3 years

Note

That’s so cute that you’re dating your friend! ☺️ I’m curious though, how did that transition happen? Did you go from platonic friends to dating or was it like a flirty, I’ve always liked them as more than friends to dating? How does one even start that conversation to tell their friend that they like like them

What started as a quick answer has now turned into a small novel with a whole lot of sappy drivel at the end. So uh. Enjoy.

Once upon a time, X moved to Dallas, but dearly missed her rock climbing friends back in Austin. So every other month or so, she’d go back for a long weekend visit and climb. B was one of her climbing friends over the years she spent in grad school. She had a low-key crush on him because he was a genuinely good person (climbing with someone tells you a lot about how they handle physical challenges as well as the full spectrum of human emotion), but she didn’t think he had the slightest interest in her. When the pandemic hit, she moved back to Austin to finish grad school remotely. Due to the pandemic, she had a small group of friends who more or less isolated together; she and B started spending more time together— climbing, hiking, game nights, and playing D&D (you also learn a lot about a person through a campaign!), and generally hanging out and talking. She might have actually Attempted (likely terrible) Flirting was it not for her imminent move to Colorado.

They stayed in contact during the year that X was in CO, and after the relatively disastrous end to the nearly 5-month relationship she had while in CO, B gave her an A+ hug her upon her return to Austin over Christmas break. He also was extra nice to her during D&D despite the fact that their characters were usually fighting (She played a chaotic neutral thief-turned-bard. He played a lawful good ranger). He (and all of her climbing/D&D friends) (with varying levels of tact) did their best to cheer her up post-breakup and it was very sweet.

They started texting a bit more once she returned to CO, and he visited (with one of their other climbing friends) before she moved back to Austin. She still didn’t think he was interested, and after her prior relationship, she wasn’t interested in dating anyway (she actually said to her BFF, K, at that point, that she wasn’t going to date anymore and it was a relief to stop caring about what other people thought about her/expected of her. She cut off her hair and dyed it purple and told her dog it’d just be them from there on out)

Except, once she moved back to Austin, she was spending an awful lot of time at B’s place. At the end of a climb, he’d invite over for dinner, or to swim at Barton Springs. And then there weren’t even climbs involved and he was inviting her to play pickleball or watch hockey playoffs. It was a lot of time. Like, a lot. More than she was usually comfortable spending with someone because she liked her alone time and very quickly got “peopled-out” and needed to recharge by herself (preferably with a book). Except she didn’t get tired of spending time with him. But aside from hugs goodbye that tended to linger, she still didn’t get any indication from him that he was interested in a romantic relationship (ok, laying it out like this, I do feel a little dense, now).

Finally, after dinner one night, he carefully told her that he was interested in making their relationship a romantic one. X was conflicted. She’d liked him for a long time in that abstract it’ll-never-happen-so-it’s-ok-if-I’m-a-little-infatuated way and realizing that it COULD happen was pretty damn scary. Especially because she had some…not healthy expectations about what a relationship would entail, at that point. She laid out her concerns (tried to talk him out of it), and he validated those concerns while also telling her exactly how he’d like to approach them while pursuing a relationship. She was too selfish to say no. Because over the years she’d seen him in all sorts of situations and she’d talked to him about everything from religion and politics to moral/ethical dilemmas to the inadequacies of the film adaptations of the Marvel universe. And he'd seen her in all those same situations and apparently still liked her even when she was at her sweatiest, grumpiest, sleep-deprived worst, so she had a whole lot of evidence that they were compatible. Also, she really wanted to kiss the freckles on his nose and that’s not really a friend-sanctioned activity.

A month in, she was pretty sure she was in love with him.

Two months in, she was definitely sure.

Three months in, she is the happiest she’s ever been in a relationship. She’d always heard that relationships were work, and they are! Two people negotiating life together will always take work. But she always thought that the simple act of being with someone was also supposed to be work. She’s realized that’s not the case, now.

Because being with B is easy. It’s like having a best friend who you go on adventures with, but then at the end of the day you also get to lay on top of them while you watch the Olympics and they’ll pet you and give you a mohawk and talk about how you’d make a very lovely troli doll, and then you hold hands while taking the dog for a last nighttime walk. And when you get back, you clean the kitchen together and intentionally get in each other’s way so you have to stop to kiss for a bit with soap suds on your hands, and later you shower together without being anxious because you know that when they touch you it’s because they just want to touch you, not because they're going to demand anything else. And you go to bed and they sprawl on top of you like a particularly warm, fond, anchor, and ask you about obscure literary or history facts, or you ask them about places they’ve traveled or favorite memories until your voices are rough and you’re ready to sleep. And in the morning you wake up with your best friend. With your foreheads pressed together and your legs tangled and maybe you have sex, but maybe you don’t and it doesn’t even matter because the important thing is that you get to spend another day together.

Okay, I’m getting off track, here. But that was the transition in a not-so-brief nutshell. And I don’t know how one is supposed to start the conversation, but B started it with, “Have you ever thought about us dating?” Best question I’ve ever been asked, tbh.

10/10 do recommend dating a friend.

#answered asks #mylife #B #cute #friends to lovers #but irl

252 notes · View notes

wherethingscomebackx · 3 years

Text

Top 25 Larry Fics of 2020

h 2020 was HELLISH. So thank you to all the writers, and I mean ALL of them, who kept us occupied as the world continues to burn.

You may be familiar with these lists:

Top 25 Larry fics of 2016

Top 25 Larry fics of 2017

Top 25 Larry fics of 2018

Top 25 Larry fics of 2019

We’re going on our 5th year!! As always, I read a lot of fic and the majority of it is Larry. I like making lists and I like Larry so I thought I’d do some minimal research of the top 25 larry fics published/completed in 2020 in order of least to most kudos (with links). All of these fics are top notch so you should all check them out!

25.) a trail of honey through it all by @yvesaintlourent (27k)

The boy in front of him, well really, the man in front of him, was like something out of a confusing wet dream. Built, tall, tan and muscular, his skin glistened with sweat after a long day of working outdoors with his hands. He was wearing a cut up old American football shirt, the bottom hem was torn and the sleeves were cut off to the point where the t-shirt was really just a loose tank top. The shorts he had on had clearly been full length jeans at one point, and were now just crudely cut off above the knee. His white socks were pulled up too high on his calves, and the brown work boots he had on were old as fuck, the leather peeling along the edges of the soles. Curly brown hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards snapback, and there was a smudge of grease wiped along his brow bone. The smattering of hair along his jaw proved that he hadn’t shaved in a week or two, the hair growing in thicker across his upper lip and around his chin. His sinfully bowed mouth was pink and plump, and Louis was suddenly hyper-focused on the way that he chewed at the toothpick stuck between his lips. He looked like he needed a shower. Louis wanted to lick him.

Or, the TPH fic we’ve all been waiting for.

24.) even the best laid plans by @falsegoodnight (25k)

“Anyways,” Louis stresses, narrowing his eyes, “just let me say it and then rate how terrible of an idea it is on a scale from one to ten.”

“Alright,” Zayn agrees, sitting up expectantly.

“I want to ask Harry Styles to take my virginity,” Louis blurts, holding his hands out for emphasis.

The way Zayn’s eyes bulge is almost comical. “Negative infinity,” he says, voice choked. “Negative infinity times negative infinity.”

“Technically, a negative times a negative is -”

“Really negative infinity,” Zayn corrects himself, shaking his head wildly. “Louis, what the fuck?”

Or, Louis wants to have sex with someone and decides Harry is the perfect alpha for the job.

23.) A Distant Hazy Light by @greenfeelings (76k)

Life’s pretty ordinary for Harry. He lives with his best friend, got into university just like he’s planned, and manages to support himself just fine for an unbonded omega. If he sustains that lifestyle by getting paid to help alphas through their rut every now and then, that’s nothing to be hung up on. Until he’s hired by an alpha that turns everything upside down.

Or, Harry’s working on taking Louis’ walls down, until he builds his own up.

22.) Ghost Note Symphony by whoknows (96k)

Louis is on tour when he first hears about it. It’s all over the news – Harry Styles Attacked By Fan runs in headlines for days. It’s not even just the gossip rags, either. Actual journalists are covering the story. It would have been impossible to avoid hearing about it. Technically, Oli is the one who tells Louis about it, but it’s not exactly being covered up. Harry doesn’t answer Louis’ text asking if he’s alright, but that’s not really surprising. They haven’t spoken for months, and it’s been a lot longer than that since they’ve had a real conversation. The sting of the text going unanswered is still there, less painful than it might have been a few years ago.

It’s not that it’s easy to forget about, exactly. Louis has a whole life outside of One Direction now, though. So Louis goes on with his life, figuring that if Harry was seriously hurt he would have heard about it by now. He might currently be in the same country as Harry, but being on opposite sides of it puts enough distance between them that putting it in the back of his mind is easy. There’s nothing Louis could do, even if he thought Harry might want him to.

That’s why everything that happens next comes as a complete shock to him.

21.) Until by @allwaswell16 (38k)

Rural Eagle County, Colorado wasn’t the type of place to find a famous musician or actor. At least not until songwriter Louis Tomlinson showed up with pop star Niall Horan to visit his uncle’s horse ranch, and they just happened to find themselves next door to a reclusive former movie star.

20.) Strangers in Love by sweetums (42k)

Louis wakes up to find himself in a marriage with the last man he thought he'd ever end up with.

Prompt 51: An amnesia fic where louis and harry were enemies to lovers but after an accident, louis only remembers those memories that him and harry hated each other. now harry has to fix it. I think something like this less dark and less angsty compared to other amnesia fics and it could be funny

19.) A Long Way From The Playground by Pink_Sunsets (170k)

One Direction is broken up. They broke up five years ago. That should be the end of the story, right?

Harry is finished with One Direction. He now has a new life, one with two kids and a successful solo career. And he’s happy.

But a call one night from management flips Harry’s whole new life upside down, and he’s forced to face the life he had left behind.

As well as a certain blue eyed man who had left him behind.

18.) my love’s not simple (it’s fragile) by @falsegoodnight (27k)

“Can I take you out tomorrow?” he asks. “My shift ends at 7 but we can go for dinner at 8.”

Louis is silent for a few seconds and then, “Like… on a date?”

Harry swallows thickly. He hasn’t done this in years, hasn’t ever wanted to. “Yeah.”

He’s worried he’s misread things but then Louis raises his head to kiss Harry’s cheek. “Yeah,” he says easily. “Sure.”

Tension leaves his body swiftly. “Are you sure?” asks Harry. “I know we’re both so busy but I can’t not try with you, Lou.”

“Neither can I,” says Louis. “I think we can figure it out. I care about you a lot Harry. We’ve known each other for a week, but I already like you so much.”

Or Harry's new job is threatened by his impending rut. Desperate for a solution, he allows Niall to introduce him to Louis, an omega whose heat begins the same day. They click.

17.) Cocaine for Breakfast by @harryeatsburger (309k)

“It’s an easy job.” He continues, as if Louis wants to listen. “Like I said, a few trips. Parties, students, nothing dramatic.”

Louis gazes over to Harry. He’s looking thoughtful now, eyes on the green like he’s talking more to himself than Louis.

“Clubbing, drinks. Whatever, the business is just a side thing.”

That’s not how Louis remembers it to be, “You lying?” He honestly can’t tell.

Harry shakes his head slowly, meeting Louis' eyes.

“No,” He answers almost toneless. Harry clears his throat, “I won’t put you in any dangerous situation.” His voice is sincere, Louis can tell he means it, his jade green eyes glinting with truth.

or, - Louis Tomlinson is a drug addict, sent away from his beloved party-scene to recover. There, he discovers that small towns have just as much access to drugs as London did, plus something even better that he just can't get enough of. That something is a boy with green eyes and bouncy curls named Harry Styles. -

16.) Tastes like Strawberries by @sadaveniren (4k)

I’m stressed. I’m nesting and demand cuddles. Come over

Harry frowned and double checked who the text was from. Yup, it still said Louis - Grad, which meant it was from Louis from his grad school.

aka Louis texts Harry by mistake. It works out

15.) the way the storm blows by @rbbsbb (21k)

Louis doesn’t have a habit of thinking about Harry’s dick.

That would be weird, seeing as they’re best mates, and they share a flat, and they’ve spent holidays at each other’s family homes. Their friendship hasn’t ever risen to a point where Louis should want to see his mate’s dick, and he’s happy to keep it that way.

Except, all that Louis can think about is exactly that. The size of it. The shape. The amount of people it’s been in.

Maybe it’s the tequila talking, or the fact that Louis’ just recently walked in to an eyeful of Harry taking turns on some slags that he’s never seen before, but. Louis’ mind can’t stop obsessing over the idea.

14.) bruise you like a peach by @falsegoodnight (40k)

There’s two reasons Harry despises Econ.

The first is that it’s boring as fuck. The second reason is a bit more personal, a bit more focused in a way. As in it’s focused on one specific thing, or in his case, person.

His name is Louis Tomlinson.

13.) Watching The World Fall by whoknows (11k)

This segment has been going on long enough that Louis knows what’s coming before James starts in on it, trying to sell him on something he knows that Louis wouldn’t normally be buying. But there’s four cameras surrounding him, and an audience watching him expectantly, so if Louis wants to continue convincing people that he’s doing just fine, he’s going to have to go along with it.

“We have a whole host of single men backstage waiting to meet you, Louis,” James tells him. “We want to help you find love tonight, on Late Late Live Tinder. Is this okay? Do you want to play?”

It actually kind of makes sense that his first date after the break-up is going to be just as public as said break-up. Something like coming full circle.

“Alright, James,” Louis agrees, hopping down off his stool.

“Okay, come down to the stage,” James says. Louis can’t even tell whether the excitement in his voice is genuine or not. “Right now, come on down!”

12.) Quiet People Have the Loudest Minds by @2tiedships2 (38k)

Broadway shows were one of the few things that could keep Louis’ attention for a full two hours without needing to move about. But not tonight.

The alpha next to him was both infuriating him and practically turning him on at the same time. He needed to leave. The alpha, that is. Louis was staying.

Or the one where Louis is a nonverbal omega who has accepted the fact that he will never find an alpha that will treat him as an equal. On the other hand, he’s never met anyone like Harry.

11.) The Wrath of the Emerald Eyes by @purpledandeli0n (85k)

His chin is grabbed harshly, facing the two deep green eyes that have been getting on his nerves for the past ten minutes. The smirk on the man's face does not vanish. The grip of his hand on Louis' chin does not soften, his thumb at the side of his lower lip.

His smile widens as he answers Louis' question, ''My name is Styles, but you will call me Captain."

•

Pirate AU

10.) Canyon Moon by @eeveelou (40k)

For as long as Louis has remembered, he has been promised to be mated to Harry, his best friend and the future pack alpha. But Louis’s heart belonged to the forest and to the hunt more than he could ever imagine it belonging to Harry.

Then Harry’s father dies in a violent accident, and Louis’s future alpha disappears on the wind.

An A/B/O Lion King AU

9.) We Both Got Nothing to Hide by lovelarry10 (43k)

“Talk to me, Lou.”

“I can’t,” Louis mumbled, knowing he genuinely couldn’t say it. He couldn’t admit to what he was doing. “Don’t ask me to say it, because I can’t.”

“Then… I’ll try and guess. You’ve… got some stuff of Harry’s. Something of his to make it smell like him?”

Louis just nodded, eyes fixated on the floor. This was humiliating, but he knew Zayn wouldn’t stop until he found out what was going on.

“Okay. Like… a blanket, or a comforter or something?”

“Kind of…”

Omega Louis has a secret nest. Alpha Harry keeps losing his clothes.

8.) sleeping on our problems by @falsegoodnight (67k)

I’m in love with you, Louis thinks. He feels empty, weighed down by his sadness and the loss of Harry inside him just moments ago before his knot finally went down.

There’s moments where he’s sure Harry feels the same. Like now, when he’s gazing down at Louis with so much adoration and tenderness. It’s like they’re both on the cusp of something more, but neither of them ever say a word.

His confession is on the tip of his tongue ready to slide out like honey, and yet he remains silent. They both do, looking at each other and recognizing the reluctance mirrored in each other’s eyes. It’s then that Louis realizes they’re both scared.

Or Louis sleeps with Harry and they have more than just catching feelings to worry about.

7.) like it’s a game by @soldouthaz (32k)

there is little harry hates more than truth or dare.

and louis.

6.) before we knew by @falsegoodnight (39k)

“C’mon Lou,” says Zayn after a moment, He sounds even more exasperated than before. Louis sort of has a knack for exasperating people, especially people like Zayn who aren’t usually bothered by his brattiness. “Can’t you give this guy a chance? Harry Styles? Aren’t you curious about him at all?”

Despite his best efforts, Louis still flinches at the name. He really shouldn’t be so affected after all these years. He’s seen the name printed down the curve of his waist in obnoxiously and uncommonly large loopy letters every single day since his sixteenth birthday eight years ago. He’s very familiar with the name Harry Styles.

It sounds pretentious and Louis hates it.

He hates everything about his supposed soulmate.

He hates his large handwriting that stands out like a claim on his skin whenever he’s walking around shirtless. He hates his pretentious name. And now he hates his supposed curls and green eyes and dimples.

Or Louis has been skeptical of soulmates for years so it seems like fate when he finally bumps into the owner of the obnoxiously large signature printed into his skin since age sixteen: Harry Styles, a human rights attorney who is firmly against soulmates.

5.) Mine Would Be You by @crinkle-eyed-boo (114k)

Louis blinks his eyes open, his eyelids fluttering as the room swims around him. He takes several gulps of beer once he confirms that he’s definitely not hallucinating, that the very first portrait Harry Styles ever painted of him is hanging on that wall.

Louis stares at the wall, his heart jackrabbiting in his chest as he realizes that there’s not just one painting of him, there’s five, the portraits lined up like they’re some sort of storyboard depicting the rise and fall of his deepest love. His greatest heartache. A pain that cut him so deep that he left the fucking country, severing all ties with his life in New York, now suddenly surrounding him as if he’d never left.

Fucking shit motherfucker fuck.

Louis returns to New York City five years after he left it – and the love of his life – behind. He didn't intend to see Harry again, but fate has a funny way of pulling them together, whether they like it or not. After making a begrudging truce, they both start to wonder: Would it be so bad if history repeated itself?

4.) You’ve Got My Devotion (Hate You Sometimes) by @harryrainbows (95k)

Harry was in the biggest boy band in the world. He was also one half of the best (or worst, depends on who you ask) kept secret relationship in the music industry.

Now, almost five years on, after One Direction has broken up, and Harry and Louis' relationship has as well, a video threatens to put everything at risk.

One determined Irishman, a massive publicity stunt and two begrudging exes are all it takes to bring One Direction back to life and maybe, just maybe, Harry and Louis' mangled love life too.

Or: Harry and Louis are forced to fake-date after an old video from when they were dating emerges.

3.) The Space Between by @lads-laddylads (39k)

Harry Styles is the alpha rockstar who can’t sleep and doesn’t know why.

Louis Tomlinson is the omega PhD student who helps him figure it out.

2.) Nothing But You On My Mind by @absoloutenonsense (83k)

Louis Tomlinson is a PR manager hired to improve the image of royal bad-boy Prince Harry Styles. Unfortunately for him, that means being faced with the Prince's constant innuendos, incessant dirty jokes, and relentless flirting. Louis just wants to make it to Princess Gemma's coronation; once she's crowned Queen, his contract is up and he never has to see the Prince again.

1.) Collision by @tequiladimples (224k)

Mythology/Fairytale!AU in which Louis is a dainty fairy with a temper who wants to be intimidating and Harry hurts people. Naturally, they hate each other.

(Featuring Liam, the big and not-so-bad wolf who’s got a thing for humans, Zayn, a human with supernaturally good looks, and Niall, the cupid who just wants his job to be easier.)

#larry #larry stylinson #larry fic rec #harry styles #louis tomlinson #fic rec #one direction #1d #one direction fic rec #larry fan fiction #updated because I'm an idiot and added a zarry fic

967 notes · View notes

sheafrotherdon · 3 years

Text

How Academia Works in the U.S.

Friends - there’s a lot of professor!fic out there, and I enjoy it greatly, but I want to explain how academia works in the U.S. because . . . no.

Professors

1. Lecturer: someone who does not have a PhD or MFA (or other terminal degree in their field). An art historian who has a Masters degree and is teaching at a college would be a Lecturer, for example. Some large schools will still call you a lecturer if you have your PhD or MFA but aren’t tenure-track/tenure. Those schools are shitty and should feel bad about themselves.

2. Assistant Professor: someone who has their PhD but who has not yet earned tenure. If a person is hired “tenure track” then they’re generally an Assistant Professor for around six years before they go up for tenure and promotion. (While people can go up for T&P early, it doesn’t happen very often.) If you’re hired off the tenure track, you will not have the opportunity to apply for tenure. You are what’s known as an adjunct or contingent faculty member - you have less job security than your tenure-track colleagues although you have all the same qualifications that they do. You can in some rare instances be promoted to Associate Professor while not being tenured. (Non-tenure-track assistant professors are generally called Visiting Professors, as if they just stopped by for a while.)

To apply for tenure, you have to produce a portfolio showing your achievements in the areas of 1. research/creative work 2. teaching and 3. service. Different kinds of institutions value each of those three things differently. Harvard, frankly, doesn’t give a rats behind if you are an amazing teacher - it wants you to be an amazing researcher with a strong publication record. A liberal arts college is going to value teaching more, but still wants publications. (Service is expected of everyone, everywhere, and never weighed highly enough.)

If you’re tenure-track, and denied tenure, you’re out of a job.

3. Associate Professor: someone who has been promoted from Assistant Professor (after about six years or so). Usually they will also have tenure. Tenure is a commitment from your institution - it brings with it pretty fierce employment protections, primarily (although not exclusively) to protect your freedom of academic speech and expression. You also get paid more.

4. Full Professor: after another six or seven years at Associate Professor, you can apply to be full. Once again you have to submit a portfolio of all your achievements in research/creative work, teaching, and service. If you’re denied promotion to full, you keep your job, but stay an Associate Professor. You can go up for promotion to full on a subsequent occasion (if you want). You also get paid more.

5. Endowed Chairs: sometimes a donor will give an institution a lot of money to support a ‘chair’ in a particular field. That means they give enough money (millions) for the interest to pay that person’s salary, and that person gets to call themselves The Donor’s Name Chair/Professor of Thing The Donor Likes. Endowed chairs are very prestigious, but you can’t apply for one - it’s entirely the luck of the draw.

6. Graduate Instructors: grad students are often hired by their departments to teach undergraduate discussion sections and labs for large lecture courses. More rarely, they may be asked to teach an undergraduate course where they are the ‘instructor of record’ - meaning they design the class and do all the grading for a smaller number of students.

Publishing

Publishing is the currency of academia. There are two types of publishing: either it’s peer-reviewed or it’s not.

A peer-reviewed work is submitted to a journal (if it’s an article/essay) or a university press (if it’s a book). The editor of that journal/press will take a first look to see if it’s the type of thing that journal/press publishes, and if they think it’s a good fit, they send it out to other academics (usually three) in the same field who do not know the author personally. Those academics read the manuscript and write a review, recommending whether that the article/book be published or not. Some reviewers are amazing at this, and offer constructive criticism that helps the article/book become stronger. Some are terrible at it and make people cry. (They are known colloquially as ‘reviewer #2.’) If the reviewers recommend publication, their anonymized comments are sent back to the author(s) who must then revise the manuscript. If all goes well, it’s then published. It can take two or three years for an article to get published. Same for a book.

No one makes money from writing journal articles. Almost no one makes any money from writing books.

Some academics who are writing on very popular subjects might be published by a trade press (Penguin, Viking, McMillan etc). Trade press books are not subject to the same rules about review, and very often the authors don’t have to cite sources in a trade book. Sometimes, trade books make money.

Money

No one goes into academia to get rich. No one. Your chances of becoming wealthy while being an academic are vanishingly small. You would have to teach at a major flagship university (like, say, Harvard) and be a titan of your field. Most academics work at smaller institutions and make modest incomes. Adjunct and contingent faculty are paid horribly - sometimes as little as $2500 a course - and generally don’t get any health insurance or other benefits. Graduate students are also paid horribly. While many financial aid packages for grad students include a tuition waiver, institutions will load them up with fees for various things that can easily run into the thousands of dollars. Grad students can make as little as $10K a year (sometimes less!). Graduate student unions are desperately important in protecting graduate student rights.

Some professors win grants and fellowships to support their work. This is especially true in the sciences. Grants and fellowships can pay for all the people you employ in your lab, for example, or allow you to take a year off from teaching and relocate somewhere to do research. Grants and fellowships are extremely competitive. No one ever got rich from a grant or fellowship unless they got a MacArthur.

If you’re interested in knowing how much your professors make and you go to a public school (University of [State] or [State Name] University, for example) most states have public record laws that mean those figures are public. You can google them.

A word about graduate programs

No one gets a PhD in two years. No one. People in the sciences tend to advance toward their terminal degree faster than people in the arts, social sciences, and humanities because there’s a very regimented way of approaching science research. If you’re a sociologist, in comparison, you’re out in the field collecting data for god knows how long, and then you have to make meaning out of it, and then you have to write it all up, and we’re talking years.

Most graduate programs require 2-3 years of coursework, then prelims/comprehensive exams (where you prove you know an obscene amount of stuff in (say, three) different fields within your overarching subject), and then you do your research and write your dissertation, which is the length of a book.

People do not schedule their prelims/comprehensive exams or dissertation defenses a couple of weeks before those things happen. For a start, trying to get a committee of professors to all be in the same place at the same time is like herding cats, so generally these things are decided months in advance. There is also a mountain of institutional paperwork involved, and seventeen deans (roughly speaking) who have to sign off on things. It’s a slog.

In conclusion

It works totally differently in other countries.

\o/

#the old guard fandom I'm looking at you #how academia works #Fic

32 notes · View notes

tricktster · 4 years

Note

Do you regret your doctorate, or was it worth it?

WOOOOOORTH IT... but I am pretty aware that I’m something of an exception to the rule.

So, with rare exceptions, you can’t work in my industry unless you go through the other exact sort of program that I did, and it’s a tough one, and unlike other grad/post-grad programs (which you should really only do if your expenses are being entirely covered by the program, kids), this particular area of study doesn’t come with stipends - you gotta pay for it, it’s a LOT, and very little of it is fun. Even if you love the subject matter, it’s always a competition for the highest grade, the most prestigious extracurricular academic positions, the most speaking time, the best internships or research appointments... and because this field attracts a certain, uh, personality type, odds are good that you’re gonna hate a solid third of the people you’re competing against (not to mention the terrible people you have to impress...).

Now, there’s a carrot at the end of the stick, and some people do eventually get it. People in my industry decide to go into it because they have a pretty romanticized notion of what the day-to-day is like, or because they have a super rosy outlook on how much money you can make doing it, and neither of those perceptions are FALSE, exactly. For a small percent of people, they’ll make absolutely obscene piles of money... right up until they burn out from the endless hours and abusive treatment, quit their job, move somewhere far away, and consider becoming an homesteader but instead drink themselves to death.

The romantic version of the job actually exists too, believe it or not, and you can really truly do the romantic version! ... for roughly 38k a year - before loan payments - and essentially your tradeoff is that you never pay off your loans or buy a home or feel in any way financially secure and then you meet up with the rich burnout on his failing mung bean farm and you drink yourself to death with that guy.

But for most of us, how it shakes out is you make okay money, which is actually on the very low end of “okay money” after your loans, you have less free time than most people, your day-to-day ends up being pretty repetitive and boring while somehow also stressful, you drink more than you should, complain more than you should, sleep less than you should, and deal with the various types of people who you hated while you were in school who are now your bosses and coworkers, and everything just kinda goes like that right up until you get the hell out at age 65, look back at your life, and think “...the fuck happened there?”

That was almost my trajectory when I got my first proper job in this industry. Almost: I had the incredibly abusive boss, remarkably shitty pay, wild amount of stress... but against all odds, I stumbled into doing the one kind of work that wasn’t a repetitive grind? Normally, in order to do the kind of work I started out on, you need to do really boring stuff for years while you fight like hell to get any opportunity that brings you closer to the difficult, interesting, fun stuff. In retrospect, I got to start out doing the Fun Stuff because my boss did the Fun Stuff and needed help with it, but nobody with Fun Stuff experience in my field would ever work for that guy because he was so infamously awful, so he’d burn through someone fresh out of school every few years until he fired them or they quit. I didn’t know that at the time, I just knew that even though the environment was so bad and so poorly compensated that I regularly fantasized about quitting the industry, the work itself? That part actually ruled.

I stuck it out for two years, and then I hit my absolute limit one day. During the time I’d been there, I’d already seen a guy my age get hired, torn to bits, and then fired for a fuck up that was not his fault in the least (right after he signed a mortgage, and with a baby on the way!!!) I’d seen the only woman in a leadership role quit and take a new position because she simply couldn’t stand the abuse from my boss anymore. I’d had eight different people come to me in tears because they just couldn’t take it anymore. And one day, after possibly the hundredth time I’d observed my boss take credit for my work only to call me into a meeting an hour later to inform me that the thing he’d just stolen credit for was actually terrible (dude felt THREATENED by competent women)... I was just done. And by sheer dumb luck, I made the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire life: I texted the woman who had quit the word “Margaritas?????”

Three hours/margs later, I ducked my coworkers who had come out with us, cornered my former colleague in the bathroom, and said “I need to get the fuck out of this company. Does your company need a Me?” Two days later, I had an interview lined up, and on the night of that interview, one of the people who had planned on interviewing me had a conflict, so the owner of the company looked to see who was still in the office, and grabbed the first guy he could find to fill an interview seat. The seat filler in question went in knowing nothing about me, had absolutely no context for this interview, and had never hired anyone to work for him before because he did the Fun Stuff, and he had never encountered someone at an earlyish career stage who could also do the Fun Stuff. Still, one of the seats needed filling, and that, dear readers, is How I Met My Boss.

It was the single best interview performance that I have ever given. I was flawless. Boss told me several months after the fact that I answered one question so well that the owner started kicking him under the table. Interviews at this place normally take 3-5 rounds before the offer goes out. I got my job offer on the way home from the interview that night. And since then? Boss and I have accomplished things that were considered impossible. We’ve quadrupled our team’s business. Boss sets my salary so I’m finally getting paid. The actual work still rules, with the added bonus of getting credit for what I do. I am enjoying every single moment of this, the culture of abuse has been replaced with like... friendship? Friendly pranks? Genuine collaboration? And as a result, we’re kicking so much ass that we’re growing the team years sooner than we thought would be possible. We have a new graduate joining us soon, and with god as my witness, that new grad is never going to know how shitty this industry can be.

So, yes. TL;DR, for me, the luckiest asshole in the entire industry, dropping 6 figures of debt and years of stress and competition on this particular degree that granted me admission into this nightmare industry was worth it. With that said, even though I’ll personally do everything I can to ensure that the people who work for me feel the exact same way... I would certainly not recommend it for everyone.

92 notes · View notes

neednothavehappenedtobetrue · 3 years

Text

here are some scripts, ranked in order of how difficult the scripty thing will be to do.

easy mode: "hey Boss, I am, as you know, having a bit of a medical situation, it is not an emergency, but I will be taking X day off to do some routine maintenance"

do not overexplain! do not tell him anything additional! it would be fine if you did, but also, don't!

medium mode (I am terrified of haircuts and therefore hair stylists, sorry about the person I am) "hi! you will notice that my hair is quite dirty. this is because I have been having trouble washing it often because of a medical concern I have that I am getting fixed. I am sorry about this! no, I do not know exactly how long it has been since I washed it, but because of the medical stuff my memory is quite bad, you are probably best equipped to make a guess, as a hair expert person. the medical thing is not COVID-related or otherwise contagious, and I am getting it addressed ASAP. please do not make jokes about this, I am very self-conscious about it.

what's the medical problem? "they're adjusting a medication I take that can sometimes cause fatigue, and forgetfulness and generally make it hard to do stuff" be pleasantly vague! if they ask you really persistently, just say "depression" but probably they will not.

if at all possible, do not tell them that your last hairstylist made a joke about you inadequately washing your hair and you hated it. they do not require this information. practice not oversharing QUITE so much.

hard mode: doctor! (this part gets Really Explicit with the details of my ED, so it is under a cut, only read it if knowing how many meals/calories I eat a week will not trigger you, please do not trigger yourself, I'm sorry but I think if I do not put this here I will not say it, so it needs to go here)

-"hi doctor P, so I made this appointment to talk about a concern I have been having for some time, but now I have two concerns. my initial concern is that I have been experiencing some nausea, particularly bad in the mornings. I am definitely for sure not pregnant. I have been taking phenergan as needed, but not every day. I have only thrown up twice in six weeks, so it is not terrible, but it is also not great. I don't want to take too much phenergan because the hospital doctors told me it could cause heart problems and also I could get too used to it and have it stop working, how worried should I be about those things? sometimes in the morning, I do not feel nausea in my stomach, but I do start gagging or dry-heaving randomly. I have never thrown up from this but it is weird and also means I need to take Zoom calls with my camera off. do you have any ideas or suggestions?

also, a problem that might actually be a bigger problem is that I have recently-ish come to terms with the fact that I have an eating disorder. I have had it off and on probably since I was in my teens. it is not necessarily textbook, in that I am rarely or never preoccupied with my weight and rarely, although not never, restricting deliberately. it initially started when I got the idea that if I lost a lot of weight very quickly, my parents, who were refusing to let me do therapy or psych meds again, would consider it. I never got to a dangerous weight level and I do not remember how long or how much I restricted, but a problem that came from that is that ever since when I am particularly struggling with a mental health issue, like bipolar or depression, I tend to stop eating. part of this problem is that I am very forgetful and literally forget to eat, especially in the absence of real hunger cues. part of the problem is that it is hard to do multi-step tasks when I am depressed, and eating food requires me to stop whatever I am doing, get up, go to the kitchen, figure out what I want to eat, prepare it in some way, and then actually physically eat it. lately, I have been drinking a lot of delivery smoothies because they are easy and digestible, and sandwiches as well. the problem has been particularly bad this past month or so, in a way that I suspect is not entirely explained by those two factors. I am working with my therapist and psychiatrist to fix it. I know that ED can trigger or worsen gastroparesis and I know I should have told you earlier, but I haven't been able to be honest with myself about the severity of the problem.

-this past month, I have been averaging between six and ten meals a week, with some snacks as well. on a good day, I probably hit 1200 calories, on a bad day I don't know, but less than that for sure. on my worst day last week, I ate the meat and cheese inside of half a sandwich and drank some juice, but nothing else. on my best day I drank one and a half smoothies and ate part of a sandwich, which I recognize is still pretty bad.

I am working with my psychiatrist and psychologist on this issue. I have started to take Adderall again, but this is only the second day of me taking it, so meds-related appetite lost is not the issue here.

I cannot get ED professional mental health treatment because, since I am in grad school, my parents pay for all of my medical care and they fundamentally do not believe I have an eating disorder. this is because my mom, who probably has her own ED, thinks 1200 calories is enough for a human per day and also because I am overweight. I saw a nutritionist for three months pre-pandemic and we worked on getting me to eat three meals and two snacks a day, but my parents stopped paying for her because I was not losing weight. I have told them exactly and in detail how little I am eating and they still do not believe I should be eating more, so they refuse to pay for ED-related medical care for me. this is part of a pattern for them, I am working on it in therapy and part of working on it will be figuring out how to pay for my own medical care, but right now I am doing my very best.

I do not know how much I currently weigh or how much weight I might have lost. I do not keep a scale in my apartment, because I am certain I would get obsessive with it. my friends say I look like I have been losing some weight, but it is hard to tell how much.

I know ED is bad for gastroparesis and I am sorry, but I am doing my very best and still struggling.

what I need from you is suggestions on safe ways to get more calories and any other suggestions you have for successfully eating. I am happy to put you in touch with my psychiatrist if you feel that would be useful. my therapist is, just for this week, on vacation. I will see her next week and could connect you then as well.

I cannot see any ED-specific specialists, because my parents categorically will not pay for them. I cannot see a nutritionist or a dietician, same reason. I could potentially see a new gastroenterologist who deals with this stuff in more depth, but my parents will probably Google her, which might pose a problem, and also they have a specific gastroenterologist they want me to see, so they might just... refuse anyway to let me choose my own gastroenterologist. they are like that. however, if you know a GI doctor who knows a lot about both gastroparesis and ED and whose website is not too significantly ED-focused, that might be helpful, or it might not work.

I know this is bad, and I know I need to fix my life so they are not paying for my medical care, I am working on it, I promise. do you have any suggestions?

great! that is a script! also, if she is garbage about this, you can GET A NEW DOCTOR literally at any time, if it sucks, hit the bricks.

#ed for ts #disordered eating for ts #alex's parents #medical neglect for ts #I do not usually tag posts about my personal parents with words like neglect #that is what the tag alex's parents is for #blacklist that if you need #but this one is uh pretty bad #pretty neglectful #so! here we go

2 notes · View notes

victoriareyloficlists · 3 years

Text

Fake Relationship

Updated 20 October 2021 Rest of the Masterlist.

A Christmas When You Were Mine by TazWren (AO3 2018 Rated M Complete, 5 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey harbours a seemingly hopeless crush on her neighbour, until the day she lands him in the hospital and has to deal with what comes next.) A Fluff Piece by Hellyjellybean (AO3 2020 Rated M Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey is a late night TV producer. Ben is a zoologist who every once in a while is invited to bring his animals to the show. This week's theme is fur balls and he brings all his cutest babies. Rey doesn't know who is cuter: the animals or their handler.) All Bets Are Off by crossingwinter (AO3 2018 Rated E Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: “Fake girlfriend. What does that even mean?” Ben asks her. Rey rests a hand on his arm, feeling the muscles underneath his sleeve. “Babe,” she says, leaning close to him. “It means we pretend we’re madly in love. Think you can pull that off for your office pool?” Ben’s eyes flicker softly between each of hers and he swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.) and all i need is to be struck by your electric love by radioactivesaltghoul (AO3 2019 Rated T Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey’s supposed to fake-break-up with her fake-boyfriend, but Ben’s been pissing her off more and more lately. What better way to irritate him by showering him in a public proposal that he has to say no to?) Anything You Need by SuchaPrettyPoison (AO3 2020 Rated M Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben knows women don’t come to him for his lacking social skills and awkward nature; they want to see if he's big all over. He figures why not finally use his assets to his advantage and (try to) flirt with and impress trainer Rey by working out in only biking shorts?) as luck would have it by prncesselene (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, 16 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: When a case of violent food poisoning ruins Rose and Hux’s honeymoon plans, who better to take their place at a pre-paid Hawaiian beach resort than the Maid of Honor and Best Man? Sure, it’ll take some maneuvering, but a free vacation is a free vacation. They just have to pretend to be devoted newlyweds for a bit to enjoy it. There’s only one glaring issue, really: they can’t stand each other.) Be My (Fake) Wife by paynesgrey (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben Solo is in a bad predicament because of his father. He must produce a wife in order to impress the retiring President so he can take over his family's company. The problem is, he doesn't think he knows anyone who can help him...until Rey, his kendo student, offers to fake marry him for compensation. The only problem is... their marriage and feelings may not seem so fake as they get to know each other.) Christmas Eve Will Find Me (Where the Lovelight Gleams) by Love_andbalance (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, 3 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Christmas Eve. Ben stares at the train that he and his now ex were supposed to be departing on. A noise behind him turns his head, a beautiful girl yelling at the SOLD OUT ticket booth. He looks at the 2 tickets in his hand and back at the girl. "Fuck it," he says, walking up to her.) Conscience and Unconsciousness by pontmercy44 (AO3 2017 Rated E Complete, 20 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey's in love with the man who comes to the diner, after he gets hurt and she follows him to the hospital. A While You Were Sleeping AU, what happens when Ben wakes up with amnesia and can't remember his "fiance" Rey. TW: Immigration Officer and threats of deportation.) Crisis: Girlfriend by perperuna (AO3 2018 Rated G Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben had been in love with Rey for over a year when he asked her to go with him to his ex’s wedding as his date and ‘girlfriend’.) dancing in a swirl of golden memories by hi_raeth (AO3 2018 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: A long time ago, in a desert far away, Rey and Ben met each other and fell in love. But that was years ago, before they went their separate ways and grew as people and ran into each other in college a while later. Now all they have is a close friendship, fond memories, and… oh, what’s this? An opportunity to fake date in order to appease Ben’s parents for the holiday season?) daylight by sparklylulz (sparklyulz) (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, 4 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Coffee shop employee Rey has a run in with one of the difficult professors. Thus starts a very turbulent friendship until Ben needs a fake date to go with him to see his parents, the first time he's seen his parents in a while.) Deceit, Delusion, and Desire by AttackoftheDarkCurses, thebuildingsnotonfire (AO3 2018 Rated E Complete, 16 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: When Rey realizes her student visa is about to expire, she struggles to find a way to stay in the country legally. Her roommate has a terrible idea, and it's just risky enough to work.) Dreaming of a December Wedding by greywilde (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, 11 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: A Reylo modern AU based on the Hallmark Christmas Movie, "A December Bride" Rey Jackson was supposed to marry Poe Dameron and have her dream December wedding - until he fell in love with her foster sister Kaydel. And it's all Ben Solo's fault. Now it's payback and he's her fake date to the wedding, but when Ben makes an impulsive announcement, it sets the stage for an elaborate holiday arrangement.) Fleeced by Blueyedgurl (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: AU where Rey is a mechanic and Ben is her grumpy client. Ben is car shopping and asks her to pretend to be his girlfriend so the dealer won't screw him over.) Force du Couer by Stargazer1116 (AO3 2018 Rated T Complete, 24 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Kylo Ren is the CEO of a successful corporation in NYC. In a power play, his board, led by his uncle, demand that he marry to makeover his dismal public image. Rey is an art therapist working with foster kids in Harlem. When she contacts Kylo for possible support, he proposes a business deal that can benefit them both. He has no idea how much this woman with a fierce heart will turn his world upside down.) Get Rekt by Thelittlescrimshaw (AO3 2016 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: He was drunk, they all were, but slinging an arm around her shoulders and declaring Rey his wife was not how she imagined the first party of the semester going.) Happy to Help by SuchaPrettyPoison (AO3 2020 Rated E Incomplete, 13 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Sometimes you just need your neighbor to pretend to be in a relationship with you. Repeatedly.) heaven in hiding by blessedreylo (AO3 2021 Rated E Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: They say it's impossible for a guy and girl to be "just friends", but Rey and Ben had managed to discredit that throughout their decade long friendship. What they both have is special, that people would often arrive at the conclusion the two were made for each other. He's her safe haven, her rock. She gives him a sense of clarity and direction. Ben and Rey know each other more than anyone ever possibly could. Therefore on Valentine's Day, their friends decided to secretly set them up together on a blind dinner date.) Hey Sweetheart by SuchaPrettyPoison (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Anytime a guy flirts with Rey, her flatmate Ben swoops in and pretends to be her possessive boyfriend. She was never going to get laid. Six months since moving in with him, and he scared away all her potential ‘suitors’.) His New Girl by Hellyjellybean (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben Solo has a problem...he is completely unprepared to run into his polished princess ex-girlfriend Bazine. Now he is standing in front of her without an answer to her question regarding if he is seeing anyone because of course he isn’t but he doesn’t want to tell her that. Then he hears a familiar voice. Rey. Would she be willing to help in his hour of need?) Home for the Holidays by LarirenShadow (AO3 2016 Rated T Complete, 5 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Kylo Ren, in a moment of weakness, tells his mother he'll be home for Christmas and will bring his girlfriend. Problem is he doesn't have one. Enter Rey, his grad assistant. He makes a deal with her so she'll be his girlfriend for the trip home.) home is where the start is by sunshineflying (AO3 2019 Rated T Complete, 4 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben desperately needs a good grade on his philosophy exam in order to keep his GPA up enough to get into the master's program of his dreams. Thankfully, his friend Rose knows a girl who is a paid tutor on campus who can help him. But with Thanksgiving holiday just a few days away, and the exam looming on the following Monday, less than conventional tutoring methods must be taken.) How Much Can Kylo Ren Endure This Christmas by reylology (AO3 2017 Rated M Complete, 10 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: As the CEO of the number one commercial enterprise in New York City, Kylo Ren would think that bringing home a girl for his parents to meet should be the least of his concerns. But when a phone call with his mother takes an absurd, aggravating turn, he finds himself shoved headfirst into a lie. Desperate to prove his parents wrong, Kylo would do anything in order to see the shocked looks on their faces. Even if it means seeking help from the random girl that had just walked into his office for a job interview.) How to Keep Christmas by JaneNightwork (AO3 2018 Rated M Complete, 26 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey and Ben have had feelings for each other since she began teaching at Chandrila Elementary School earlier that year, but neither knows their affection is mutual. Rey plans to use the the Christmas season––her favorite time of year––as an excuse to spend more time with Ben, and to find a way to tell him how she feels. But can she convince the Grinch-ish Ben to enjoy Christmas with her? Equally important: will her friends Finn, Poe, and Rose be able to stop themselves from matchmaking and meddling and general mischief?) I don't want a lot for Christmas by Rebeccaseal (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: In which Rey helps Ben find presents for his mother and somehow ends up going to Christmas dinner with him as his fake girlfriend. Or at least, it's fake at first.) I don't want a lot for Christmas by Rebeccaseal (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: In which Rey helps Ben find presents for his mother and somehow ends up going to Christmas dinner with him as his fake girlfriend. Or at least, it's fake at first.) I Need You to Kiss Me by SuchaPrettyPoison (AO3 2018 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: “My cheating arse of an ex has just walked in with my ex-roomie who he cheated on me with, so if you can pretend that we are happy, and that you are madly in love with me - that would be grand.” She paused taking a breath before giving him a light airy smile. “Any objections?”) In Sickness And In Health by Theyna_Shipper (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, 8 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey knows it's not an ideal situation, but it's a situation thousands of people are in. It's not like there's much she can do about it right now, anyways. She can go a little while without health insurance. Until she gets breast cancer. The treatment will be simple if she can get it. But she's worried she can't, until her old co-worker Ben offers a solution: "We could get married.") In the Woods Somewhere by Verdantsolstice (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, 5 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Hikers Ben & Rey meet on the trail when they’re both lost. Hours of walking lead them to a convent in the woods. The sisters are very friendly, but refuse to let them both stay unless they’re married. TW: Mentions of ICE and immigration.) Just Kiss Me by SuchaPrettyPoison (AO3 2020 Rated M Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: At a party in Poe's house, a guy won't stop asking Rey to go out with him. Rey decides to silence him by pulling Poe's roommate Ben into a kiss.) Laid Between Words by jeeno2 (AO3 2019 Rated E Complete, 15 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey is nearing the end of her temporary work Visa. Her friend Ben offers to marry her so she can stay in the U.S. She says yes.) Let me Dream, Let me Stay by Melusine11 (AO3 2018 Rated E Complete, 12 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey has kept up a charade of a non-existant boyfriend for two years and now that Rose and Finn are getting married, she needs someone to pretend to be said boyfriend, enter her coworker Ben.) Look No Further by thewayofthetrashcompactor (BriarLily) (AO3 2019 Rated T Complete, 9 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey is spending Thanksgiving alone but a late-night Craigslist ad ends up with her agreeing to crash some asshole's family dinner. At the very least, she's curious what kind of people name their son "Kylo Ren" anyway.) Love is Strange by SpaceWaffleHouseTM (AO3 2020 Rated M Complete, 7 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Or the one where Rey lies and tells her coworkers she has a loving husband and a son. Now the annual picnic is coming up and she needs a fake picture-perfect family. Fortunately, her friend Ben fits all the requirements.) Love's a Game by darthswift13 (AO3 2021 Rated E Complete, 5 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Complete strangers Rey and Ben enroll in couples therapy as an academic experiment. How long before the therapist realizes it’s all a ruse?) maybe the night (holds a little hope for us, dear) by notkellymarie (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, 4 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: The inhabitants of The Loft have been invited to a college friend's wedding and Rey's ex-boyfriend will be in attendance. Wanting to avoid an interaction with him due to a messy break-up, she hopes bringing along a plus one will do the trick. Luckily, her friend Ben Solo from 4C is a trooper.) Merry (Fuzzy) and Bright by JaneNightwork (AO3 2019 Rated M Complete, 25 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: One night Ben finds a dog abandoned on his doorstep. She's cold, scared, and pregnant. Ben takes her to a nearby vet clinic and meets the beautiful veterinarian Rey, who promises to help him be the best caregiver the dog and her puppies could ask for. Throughout the holiday season Ben and Rey fall in love with the puppies and, of course, each other.) More Than a One-Night Stand by Eskayrobot, Poaxath (AO3 2018 Rated E Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey's having a pretty shitty night, to be honest. From the creep at the bar to the...oh, this rescuer of hers is pretty nice. And very attractive. And maybe he smelled really good, too.) My Heart Like a Kick Drum by Zoa (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, 8 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: In need of a date to his parents destination vow renewal but not interested in a real relationship, Ben Solo turns to an acting service specializing in fake relationships for a temporary girlfriend. But as he gets to know Rey Niima over the course of the vacation, Ben finds himself reconsidering his outlook on love...) My Whole Life by AttackoftheDarkCurses, thebuildingsnotonfire (AO3 2018 Rated E Complete, 13 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: The "Without a Hitch" high school sweethearts, fake-dating rom-com AU.) Nevertheless, She Persisted by dawninthemtn (AO3 2019 Rated T Complete, 24 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Junior campaign staffer Rey works for US presidential candidate Leia Organa and ends up with the job of babysitting her aloof and entitled adult son Ben.) Only Make-Believe by Hartmannclan (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey is in a car accident, so best friend Ben races to the hospital to be with her. What happens when she wakes up with amnesia and believes they are married?) Overboard by Biekewieke (AO3 2020 Rated M Complete, 10 Chapters, Overboard AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben Organa-Skywalker is a rich snob who hires her to clean his party barge, making her life difficult and fouls her mood. After a freak accident throws him overboard and Rey ends up saving his life. When he wakes up, it turns out he has amnesia. Rey sees it as the ultimate answer to all her prayers. She gets to take his arrogant ass down a peg or two AND she has someone to help around the house and with the kids for a while.) Overstimulated by adamsnackler (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben avoids going to parties because he doesn't like to get touched. Rey is intrigued by the mysterious man in the corner and swoops in to save him from a handsy flirt by pretending to be his date.) Peacock by AttackoftheDarkCurses (AO3 2019 Rated E Complete, 22 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Thanks to a series of misunderstandings, failed attempts at flirting, and loud Katy Perry music, Ben grows to hate his new neighbor. Proposing to her wasn't the best solution to his problems.) Plus Won by AmberDread, DarkMage13, Erulisse17, Trish47, venetum (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, 5 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: After a drunken night of complaining at a bar, Rey and Ben agree to be each other's plus-ones for a variety of events. As friends and family continue to invite them to things, they discover that they really enjoy spending time together. And holding hands. And... kissing. What happens when their relationship starts to feel a lot more real than fake?) Practice Makes Perfect by violethoure666 (AO3 2018 Rated E Complete, 3 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Grumpy Ben Solo gets asked out by Jessica Pava, the hottest girl in the office. The only problem is that he's a 29 year old virgin who doesn't wanna make an ass of himself with the aforementioned hottest girl in the office. Rey offers to help him get all the awkward and embarrassing stuff out of the way before his big date. Everyone can definitely stay cool and not catch feelings. No big deal.) Rey is Tired by mcloveproductions (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey Niima is tired. Tired of college. Of her shitty interning job at Plutt's garage. Ben is also tired of the job he just quit. When he meets and pretends to be Rey's boyfriend, maybe that'll be the answer to their problems.) Solstice Songs by Erulisse17 (AO3 2018 Rated T Complete, 4 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: A version of A Christmas Carol, with Kylo being haunted with his own ghosts; Past, Present, and Future.) Strictly Business by WinglessOne (AO3 2019 Rated E Complete, 11 Chapters, The Proposal Film AU, Quick Synopsis: Working for a nationally recognizable magazine is a huge honor, one that Ben Solo doesn't take lightly. His boss, Rey Erso, would be the first to agree and is thoroughly comfortable with her status as editor-in-chief. When her visa status is denied, she'll do anything to stay in the United States and avoid being deported back to England. Even if that means forcing her assistant to marry her.) Sugar and Spice by Rebel_Scum1221 (AO3 2019 Rated E Complete, 6 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey bakes when she's stressed, but unfortunately never has enough room to finish all of her baked goods. Thus leading her to give her neighbor- who she may or may not have the hots for- her leftovers. Shenanigans ensue.) The Fake Boyfriend Problem by INTPSlytherin_reylove97 (AO3 2018 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: When Rose accidently tells her parents her roommate Rey was bringing her boyfriend for Christmas, instead of telling them she was bringing her own boyfriend Finn, the girls run into an interesting problem.) To Play Pretend by SuchaPrettyPoison (AO3 2020 Rated M Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Single dad Ben Solo is tired of being hit on by some of the mums from his daughter's kindergarten class. He asks his friend Rey to come with him to pick up his daughter as his pretend fiancée.) Trouble for Thanksgiving by Biekewieke (AO3 2019 Rated E Complete, 40 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey Kenobi's temporary work visa is about to expire. She needs her boss' signature on her renewal application to get the extension she desperately wants and needs. Only her boss, the infamous Ben Solo, is an asshole. He's notoriously difficult and she knows this firsthand. Nevertheless, she needs his signature on those papers if she wants to avoid being deported by the end of the year... So when Rey tells her about her looming deportation, he finds a way to bend the situation to suit his own needs. Except, for the first time in his adult life, things don't go exactly as planned when he takes her home for the holidays...) Unexpected by incognitajones (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, 6 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey doesn’t want anything from her one-night stand Ben Solo, not even now that she’s broke, jobless, and pregnant. But he’s desperate to avoid a scandal that could derail his election campaign, so they agree to a cold-blooded business deal: she’ll marry him and be the perfect political wife—for a price, and a limited term.) Us or Them by MandyCandy (AO3 2020 Rated M Complete, 12 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey and Finn accidentally witness the Final Order clearing up a distribution issue at Plutt’s Automotive. To make matters worse, Finn is recognized, Rey got it on video, and Kylo Ren is out for blood. Now they have to go into witness protection. Separately. Thankfully, due to the high value of Rey’s testimony against the Final Order, a highly decorated FBI Agent, Ben Solo, is going to be taking care of her by playing house and pretending to be newly weds. Or is Kylo Ren going to *take care of her* first?) Variance by Stargazer1116 (AO3 2018 Rated T Complete, 23 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey is heartbroken when she learns her temporary visa is expiring...and is mortified when her office crush. Kylo Ren, catches her crying about it. He is a partner in Skywalker & Associates law firm where she is an assistant. One thing leads to another...and what started as a simple solution for each of their problems turns into something much...much more. Together they wade through their deep scars to love.) We Stand Just a Little Too Close by walkingsaladshooter (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, 7 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Benjamin Chewbacca Solo are you asking me to fake date you as revenge?) your name (twine it with mine) by lachesisgrimm (olga_theodora) (AO3 2018 Rated E Complete, 5 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: "Alone at Christmas? Mad at your dad? I’m a thirty-year old alpha with years of experience in dealing with difficult family dynamics. If you’d like to have me as your strictly platonic date for Christmas, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you to torment your family, I’m game." Beggars, Rey decided, grasping for any lifeline, can’t be choosers.)

#Reylo #reylo fanfic

21 notes · View notes

anexplanationofunfortunateevents · 4 years

Text

BUT HIS [SON’S] [IRRELEVANT AND PROBABLY FAKE] EMAILS!

In a world where people were trying to do their jobs, this story would not make sense to anyone, now or ever. But because we live in the dumbest fucking timeline, you need to know the shape of the Trump cartel’s latest disinformation campaign against the American democratic process.

Former Vice President Biden is being attacked through his family, which means that his family’s story is the vital context here. Back in the ‘70s, when he was Senator-Elect Biden, his family was in a terrible car crash. His first wife and their young daughter were killed. His sons Beau and Hunter survived, though Hunter suffered a traumatic head injury. The boys went about 80% Parent Trap to convince their dad to marry his current wife Jill, and both grew up and went to law school. Beau became the attorney general of Delaware before dying of cancer in 2015. Hunter went on to a lucrative career in the private sector despite an intermittent struggle with substance abuse, which is a common aftereffect of psychological trauma and brain injuries.

Republicans generally believe that being a Yale Law grad with a wealthy father and a history of substance abuse qualifies someone for the Supreme Court, but for some deeply principled and intellectually honest reason, they have decided that Hunter Biden’s employment in the field of transportation and energy can only be a sign of spectacular corruption. So nefarious and sinister was the Biden family’s treachery that they managed to destroy every iota of evidence before multiple investigations by Senate Republicans could find any of it!

Obviously this little tabloid narrative was derailed when Trump went and got his dumb ass impeached over it. But it’s the middle of October, Trump’s down ten points in the polls, and he made the mistake of replacing the wildly unethical FBI director who threw the last election for him with a guy who at least knows to act professional, so he’s looking for a Hail Mary pass. In the wackiest of coincidences, some random Trumper had what he says might be Hunter Biden’s various hard drives, one of which apparently contained a backup of his most sensitive videos and text messages, in his computer repair shop. Of course this man did the only sensible thing and, uh, copied every file in the drives one at a time before bringing it to Trump’s TV lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, and then the FBI. Giuliani, who was a former federal prosecutor before becoming the former mayor of New York City and current new bestie of Random Tech Store Guy, handled this situation with the assistance of someone who has a mere “50/50 chance” of being a Russian agent. (Poor old Rudy does appear to have limited communication skills beyond his personal safe space of a noun, a verb, and 9/11.) It’s unclear to me whether Giuliani or Tech Store Guy was the one who shared the hard drives with Steve Bannon, the white supremacist propagandist and former Trump campaign manager who is currently under indictment for fraud.

As with a lot of Trump trash, it’s impossible to describe without sounding like you’re exaggerating for comedic effect, but the stakes are too high for any of it to be funny.

Over the weekend, a right wing tabloid published what it said were emails from one of Hunter’s laptops. (Reporters at that particular tabloid do not believe the story.) The emails don’t show any wrongdoing by the vice president and seem fake for a lot of reasons – but never mind, the bullshit laundering worked well enough to get some supposed actual reporter to harass Vice President Biden about it, and then a bunch of other supposed actual reporters to collapse into their fainting couches when Biden responded with appropriate impatience.

That apparently didn’t have the hoped-for effect. The next day, what appeared to be a series of highly emotional text exchanges between the vice president and his son appeared. There was nothing even vaguely scandalous in these, to a point where it’s not immediately obvious why anyone would bother publishing them. My best guess is that it’s meant to throw Biden off his stride by trying to hurt and humiliate his son, though it may also be an attempt to soften the ground for an even more theatrical reveal.

A lot of Very Serious Politics-Knowers have deluded themselves that the But Her Emails debacle of 2016 was the legitimate kernel of a story that was “blown out of proportion.” But Her Emails was about people a) having some degree of misogyny, conscious or unconscious, which led to a bias against Clinton and b) wanting to tell other people and/or themselves that it wasn’t because she was a woman. They understand that the But Her Emails-ing was a) enormously consequential and b) incredibly dumb. They don’t want to think too hard about that tension, because if they did, they’d have to take responsibility for how the dumb thing became so consequential.

Meanwhile, Trump campaign insiders know better than the rest of us how much they cheated in 2016, but they’re still people and therefore susceptible to the cognitive bias that they got what they wanted because they earned it somehow. The closest thing they had to an above-board strategy was yelling “emails!!” a lot, so they expect yelling “emails!!” to be successful again. They’re just desperately throwing pasta to see what sticks – but Joe Biden is a man, so they’re throwing it at the theory of relativity instead of the refrigerator door.

There are differences between 2020 and 2016 which are significantly less depressing. Trump’s co-conspirators are resorting to ridiculous methods because so many of the key players who made the 2016 operation work are actually facing punishment for some of their crimes. Paul Manafort is under house arrest. Wikileaks guy Julian Assange is in jail. Social media companies, especially Twitter, were prepared to slam the brakes. Some mainstream reporters have refused to learn their lesson from 2016, but others were prepared to be critical. And, I cannot emphasize this last one enough, voters are more prepared for it. So Team Trump isn’t as good at doing the crimes as they were four years ago, even if they were as good at it they wouldn’t be able to use traditional and social media as effectively as they did last time, and even if they could adjust to that they’d have a harder time manipulating us. Maybe it got frustrating and boring for you to hear and talk about the 2016 attack for years on end, but the whole point of that was that we needed to be ready for exactly this scenario. So far, it seems to be working better than I would have hoped.

Obviously, this is infuriating. All else aside, putting this enormous, invasive pressure on a private citizen’s mental health and substance abuse problems is abusive and gross and genuinely dangerous. I don’t give a shit who his dad is, it’s fucking evil. We need to be ready to remember everybody involved in pushing this story – not just the con artists behind it, but the “mainstream” reporters who validated it in their behavior toward the Biden campaign or who spread what were (allegedly) entirely personal text messages of no news value.

But first, we need to win next month. On that front, I want to reiterate what I said when they first started cooking up this story late last year: it’s actually encouraging that they’re resorting to something like this, because it means they’re flailing. They haven’t been able to make FBI Director Wray abuse his power in the way former Director Comey did, despite the fact that the only real tool they had to manipulate Comey four years ago was taunting and pressure from conservative media. They don’t have a cutout like Wikileaks to launder the documents for them. Most importantly, they’re trying to influence voters’ opinions of Biden because they think voters’ behavior still matters. The only thing Trump knows in life is how to get away with a scam. If they thought they had it “rigged” they would be trying to act normal, because spending the three weeks before a heist reminding your marks of what fucking criminals you are doesn’t help you get away with it.

One last thing: this is a less obvious reason why it’s important to vote as early as you can. All these other increasingly desperate stunts depend on the ability to overwhelm everyone all at once, without enough time for them to be debunked or brought back into proportion. The more early votes are in the bank, the less effective their next stink bomb can be, and if it can’t be effective, there are a lot of people around Trump who would rather save their own asses from prison than help him throw it.

#trump russia #disinformation #joe biden #election 2020

12 notes · View notes

crimsondomingo · 4 years

Text

You are not the father AU - ColdFlash

Found on the following AU prompt list.

-----

Barry felt like his stomach had dropped below sea level, especially at finally seeing her—through the glass of the nursery, wrapped in pink.

He didn’t even know why he’d come here.

Well, he knew, but it just made the weight of the folded-up papers in his pocket feel like a brick.

“You look about as devastated as I feel,” a low voice said, another man taking the seat on the bench beside Barry, though he hadn’t been aware of his surroundings enough to see him coming.

The guy made Barry immediately self-conscious of his own appearance, because he looked like a model or actor, complete with chiseled features, slick dark clothes, and he smelled amazing.

Comparably, Barry probably looked like a schlub, having grabbed a ratty old hoodie on his way out the door.

“D-devastated?” Barry repeated, trying to recall what the man had said.

He gestured through the glass, as a nurse came in to set a blue-wrapped bundle in the bassinet beside the one Barry had been staring at. “I’m the father.”

“Oh.” Barry turned to stare forward again. “I’m not.”

He felt the weight of the man’s eyes on the side of his face—brilliant blue and piercing. It was easier to keep staring forward, as he limply lifted a hand toward the pink bundle.

“My ex-wife’s. Almost ex. She thinks ex, but I… I’ve been awful, and I never finished signing the papers. She was four months along before she told me the baby wasn’t mine. I guess I just needed to see it—her—in order to let this go.” Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the final divorce papers to stare at them instead.

“You brought the papers with you? Maybe you’re more devastated than I am.”

Barry sniffed, shaking himself from his reverie. “Sorry. But wait. Why are you devastated? Not ready to be a dad?”

“Hardly.” The man snorted. “I didn’t get the luxury of four months. My ex—long past ex—called me a few hours ago. Then I got here, and she split.”

“She left her baby?!” Barry cried, echoing through a thankfully empty hall.

“We broke up for many reasons, but her being less than responsible for her actions played its role.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to take it—him. But I have no idea what I’m going to do afterward. I’m not generally family friendly.”

Barry laughed. The guy seemed friendly enough, but then, he also had an edge about him that seemed to seep out of his dark coat. “You’re here. You’re going to take him home with you. That’s a good start. I couldn’t wait to be a dad. I’d always wanted a family. I guess I wanted it so badly, I didn’t realize how one-sided my marriage was until it was over. Now, I have to let her go. Both of them go…”

After taking a deep breath, Barry started patting himself down for a pen. He could have sworn he’d brought one along with the papers.

A very nice and expensive pen was thrust in front of his face. He took it, noticing the lettering on the side that said Snart Enterprises. “Thanks.” He signed the papers quickly—messily—but legible. “Snart, huh? You work for them? It’s like a really big player in imports or something, right?”

“Or something.” The man held out an empty hand after Barry passed him back the pen. “Leonard Snart, but you can call me Len.”

“You’re Snart?” Barry gasped, even as he accepted the gesture. “You’re like… a millionaire.”

“With a ‘B’, actually.” Len grinned, making him look even more handsome, his hand warm and solid in Barry’s grasp. “And you are…?”

“B. I mean, Barry! Sorry. I’m a mess on a good day, and you’re like… huge deal high society, while I’m trying to finish grad school, totally broke and jobless and… divorced,” he finished sourly, turning back to look at that pink bundle again. “Just what I wanted on my resume before thirty…”

Len snorted again. “If it makes you feel better, I didn’t just walk into my life. And while I can more than provide for that child, money and possessions don’t make up for time I don’t have to spare or how I am definitely doomed to be terrible at this.” He still looked handsome wearing a grimace, because his eyes said he didn’t want that to be true.

“Sounds like you just need to allow yourself a little leeway. Take the time you need from being a busy billionaire to also be a dad. You can do both. Though maybe also get a nanny.” Barry snickered.

“That an offer?”

“Huh?” Barry figured he was joking, but Len turned toward him, looking very serious.

“You said you were broke, jobless, and love kids, right?”

“Y-yeah but—”

“Any experience?”

“You just met me!”

“I run a multi-billion-dollar corporation, Barry. Anyone I’d hire I’d have only just met. And the last thing I need right now is to subject myself to a string of interviews. Experience?” he asked again.

“With kids? I mean, sure, I used to babysit when I was younger, but—”

“You’re hired.” Len stood abruptly, completely at ease offering a stranger to come into his home and take care of his newborn son. “There’s a coffee shop down one floor. I have a lot of paperwork to get through, and you have something to mail.” He pointed at the divorce papers still clasped in Barry’s hands. “Let me buy you a cup, and we’ll talk terms. Agreed?”

This was not how Barry had planned for his day to end.

But then, several months ago, this wasn’t how he’d planned for his marriage to end either, or where his new life might lead him.

Working as a nanny for a billionaire wasn’t the worst detour.

He stood too. He wished that baby girl well—and her mother. He really did.

“Okay,” Barry said, following Len down the hall, “but I am half-convinced you’re crazy.”

Len flashed his dazzling movie star smile. “Then you already know me better than you think.”

#coldflash #you are not the father au #crimson's fics #might do something with this someday #michael snart

46 notes · View notes

jasmine-cottage-uk · 5 years

Note

Aziraphale/Crowley prompt: one of them is hiding a secret talent from the other Can be as innocent or smutty as you like ;)

Back in September, the week before I got married and started grad school, I had the immense hubris to ask for fic prompts, and we all know how that went. Well the wedding is over and I dropped out of grad school so I’m now finally getting round to these.

Darling @ineffably-effable - it took me a while to sort out what exactly the secret talent would be, but I hope you enjoy!

-----

“I’m back! What have you been up to?”

Shit. Aziraphale’s voice reverberates up the stairwell and into the sitting room above the bookshop where Crowley has been whiling away the afternoon, quite moodily, on his own. As footsteps indicate Aziraphale is ascending the staircase to the flat, Crowley stands, frantic. Had he not been so distracted, had he not been so focused on the task at hand he might’ve remembered that he could miracle the evidence of this away, but instead, like a proper dunce, he shoves the trappings of his activities under a couch cushion, rearranges the soft throw in such a way that it almost masks the fact that the cushion is now on a sharp angle.

“Did you hear me, I asked what you’d been–” Aziraphale stops as Crowley spins around and runs a hand through his hair, breath ragged.

He places his hands on his hips in a fashion that he quite hopes communicates that he is extremely casual. “Oh, hi. Hello. I’m uh, just, shh, uh, hanging out.”

“My dear,” Aziraphale starts, voice laced in concern. “You seem winded. Are you quite alright?”

Crowley can feel his ears going warm and pink. These human bodies have a mind of their own. Defective, that’s what they are. “Yep. Just… peachy.”

“Oh, peachy? Now I know you’re up to something.”

Damn. He wasn’t sure when he had started adapting an Aziraphale-esque vocabulary when stressed, but it was the worst kind of give away.

Aziraphale’s eyes narrow, then land (very annoyingly) on the couch behind Crowley. He takes three steps, closing the space between them. He leans past Crowley for the blanket and Crowley, in desperation, launches a plan that is sure to be failsafe.

Placing his hands firmly on Aziraphale’s biceps, he pulls him in for a kiss. There is something a bit frenzied about it at first, Crowley’s tongue searching Aziraphale’s mouth, teeth nipping the sensitive flesh of Aziraphale’s lower lip in the way he knows his angel loved.

Aziraphale melts into him, releases the smallest moan, and Crowley could almost forget that this (while being extremely nice) is a tactic, a strategy, a–

“Aha!”

“No!”

The bastard has beaten Crowley at his own game, slipped from the kiss and shoved his hand deep into the recesses of the couch. The blanket lies on the floor, discarded. In Aziraphale’s triumphant outstretched hand, he holds a ball of grey-blue yarn and two metal knitting needles entwined in a half finished project. It was about 18 inches of a simple ribbed scarf, and Crowley has been working on it every single time Aziraphale has left the apartment for about a week.

“Oh,” says Aziraphale, bringing the knitting to his chest and running his other hand down the demon’s arm. “Crowley.” His face goes soft like when he sees a very new baby. It’s unbearable.

-----

In the early nineties (1990s, to be clear) Crowley had created the must-have toy, strategically released in the months before the Christmas season. He liked to describe it as high concept, and he was terribly proud of it. Tickle-Me-Elmos? That had been Crowley. Furbys? All Crowley. Parents throwing fists in department stores, little Billy or Sally screaming bloody murder on Christmas morning because Santa hadn’t procured the one thing they had asked for. Bloody brilliant if you asked him.

He had taken a break from the toy beat for a few years – quit while you’re ahead, you know – until he had a stroke of genius.

Fidget spinners.

Within the week something that hadn’t existed the month before was in the hand of every child. They were truly annoying and Crowley was impressed at his own brilliance.

Colour him surprised when it got back to him that they were, of all things, helpful. Apparently there were children that used them to help focus in school. Just needed something to do with their hands, was all. A discrete fidget spinner improved the classroom for all. That hadn’t been the point of course but humans were thoughtful, creative. His intention didn’t really matter once they got their hands on his work.

Curious, he bought a spinner from a pound shop. A surprisingly heavy, metal contraption that made a pleasant whirring sound when it spun, pinched between his fingers. He found himself slipping it into his pocket when he left his flat, pulling it out when he was stuck in traffic, when he went to the movie theatre, when he was waiting for Aziraphale in the park. Lo and behold, having something to do with his hands soothed his constant nerves. He liked the ongoing and even humm, the moving of his fingers in repeated patterns.

But he got tired of the spinner eventually and went to the internet for alternatives. A YouTube video featuring a sunny lady named Brenda who lived in New England extolled the virtues of knitting, and so quietly, alone in his flat with his phone propped up for instructions and his television on a rerun of the Golden Girls he had seen maybe two hundred times, Crowley taught himself to knit.

-----

“You knit,” says Aziraphale, voice liquid warm and tender.

“Stop it,” Crowley responds, chest tight. He makes a useless grab at the knitting but Aziraphale takes a step back, holds it away.

“Don’t be embarrassed, my darling.” Aziraphale examines the beginnings of the scarf, rubs the soft wool between the pads of his immaculately manicured fingers. “This is very nice. When did you learn to do this? It’s excellent work for a first crack at things.”

“Don’t,” groans Crowley, uselessly. He’d be found out now, Aziraphale would never stop talking about it. He collapses back onto the couch, defeated.

Secretly of course, he loves this. Aziraphale’s excitement at the things Crowley does, the nice things, the thoughtful things, the things very unbecoming of a demon that lit him up in Aziraphale’s eyes. But he couldn’t be seen to like it, could he? He had a reputation to maintain.

“Where did you learn to do this, love?” Aziraphale sits beside him, still holding the scarf as if it were a holy relic.

“Internet,” Crowley grumbles, crossing his arms.

“How marvelous.” He hands the knitting back to Crowley, and smooths his hand along the demon’s leg, as if to say there, there. “You’ll have to make something for me when you’re up for it.”

Crowley looks at the hand on his leg, considers the angel it belongs to. He had loved him forever. Since the world was made. “I already made you something,” he says, pushing himself to standing.

In the closet there were boxes of Crowley’s things. Things he had brought to Aziraphale’s flat when he finally stopped paying for rent on the place in Mayfair. He’d never gotten around to unpacking them, because what did he need anyway, other than Aziraphale?

Crowley unearths the box he’s looking for. An opaque plastic bin with a lid. Aziraphale hovers over his shoulder, curious as could be. With a dull pop, the lid comes off, revealing a packed mess of cable knit scarves, several pairs of woolen mittens, and a fair isle sweater that Crowley had knit and undone so many bloody times to make the pattern just so. They are all in Aziraphale’s colours. Beige and light blue and camel.

“Oh,” breathes Aziraphale, something of reverence in his voice. “My dear boy.”

-----

They are at a coffee shop when the barista handing Aziraphale his cocoa quirks her head to the side and says “I like that scarf you’ve got on. Looks cozy.”

She is maybe just making polite conversation, angling for tips, but Crowley doesn’t care because the look on Aziraphale’s face is transcendent. Brighter than the sun, than twin stars, then any stupid lit up thing Crowley can think of.

Aziraphale brings his hand up, touches the ribbed scarf that does not go with the rest of his ensemble, and says “Thank you, my dear. My husband made it for me. He’s very talented.” His eyes flick to Crowley, mischievous and proud.

Crowley musters up a less than minor miracle to keep the all too human blush from rising to his cheeks. “Come on, angel. Let’s get you home.” He offers his arm to Aziraphale, and drags him back in the direction of the bookshop.

#shortfic #ineffably-effable #good omens fanfic

335 notes · View notes

liskantope · 4 years

Text

Some briefer(?) reactions to major Disney films 1989-1998

I consider the Disney Renaissance (around the period I refer to in the above title) to have been the last official leg of my chronological journey through major Disney features through Disney+ (for this one I need to mention that I’m excluding CGI animated ones on this journey, except when I feel like watching them on the side). I logged some thoughts on the films I watched in the two earlier legs of the journey here and here, where honestly I intended my notes to be short and not turn into full-blown mini-essays for each movie. Those posts turned out to be major timesucks and I can’t afford that now, but I thought I’d jot down a hodgepodge of reactions and just be briefer and sloppier about it. I feel like I have overall less to say about this set of films anyway, since they’re pretty much all very high-quality and are talked about extensively in the cultural discourse much more than films from Disney’s earlier eras.

As I was still trying to stick to taking one day for each year in the Disney Studios timeline and major film production by Disney picked up pace a lot at the start of this era, I wound up doing a rather intense marathon of one full Disney movie each evening: over ten evenings (corresponding to the years 1989 through 1998), I watched the ten movies The Little Mermaid, The Rescuers Down Under, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Lion King, Pocahontas, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Hercules, and Mulan. I would have watched Tarzan the following evening, but I had very recently sort of re-seen it when it came on Netflix -- I didn’t see it for the first time until an outdoor event near the end of grad school not that many years ago; I didn’t bother paying full attention on seeing it the second time a couple of months ago and couldn’t much get into it on the second viewing.

The thing about the ten major animated Disney movies on this list is that, while I can’t say I love all of them, the uptick in quality is dramatic right from the start and never wavers. Every single one of these films just seems objectively better than Pete’s Dragon, The Fox and the Hound, or Oliver and Company. This will help me be a little shorter-written when talking about them, as it’s easier to expand on specific criticisms than to wax on about how great something is.

[EDIT: Okay, these still turned out pretty long and more on the polished side. Guess I’m just not that capable of being brief and sloppy.]

The Little Mermaid, 1989

Although we didn’t have the video at my house growing up, I somehow knew The Little Mermaid quite well; I guess I watched it quite a few times. I went a gap of many years before seeing it again in college (I’m fairly certain that my college girlfriend and I watched it together, in fact). My reaction at the time was that although it was well enough done with good music, the story was terrible. This was right around the time I watched a performance of Once on This Island, a musical based on Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Little Mermaid” on which, of course, the Disney movie was based. I thought the tragic tale told in Once on This Island was beautiful and scorned The Little Mermaid for cheapening it. In fact, my opinion was quite scathing in the way that my opinions more often were when I was younger. So I was a little wary on watching it again.

I’ve mellowed out since my college days and don’t hate the story quite as much now -- in particular, I can’t really blame Disney for Disnifying a mature tragedy into a more lighthearted tale with a happy ending -- but I still think it’s kind of bad. We’re back to Disney princesses (I think for the first time since my first round of Disney films?), this time with a Disney princess who had goals that didn’t involve meeting her prince, until she actually meets him and every other interest, including staying in the world she grew up with where to which all the people who ever loved her or knew her are confined, giving up her voice, and drastically changing her physical form. And this is all for a prince character of flatly generic personality who is superficial and dim-witted enough that he only knows his true love by her voice. (I don’t understand why this isn’t the Disney Renaissance-era film that routinely gets criticized for being anti-feminist rather than... a certain other one also on this list.) Also, while King Triton isn’t by any means a flat character, his sudden turnaround at the end and almost lightheartedness at saying goodbye to his daughter presumably forever doesn’t quite feel right.

I was very surprised at how much I’d completely forgotten among plot events and certain scenes in the movie. For instance, as the action neared the climax, I really had no memory of how Ursula would be defeated and watching it didn’t jog my memory.

This is the first of several films on this list where I noticed a sample of what I’m starting to think of a set of 90′s sitcom/romcom tropes, in this case the situation of the romantic leads courting very publicly with all the other characters watching and cheering it on and working behind the scenes to help it happen. This shows up again in Beauty and the Beast and (to a slight degree) Aladdin below.

Great music of course, even slightly better than what I remembered. Fun fact: you know that “Part of Your World” song, almost certainly the most widely popular in the film, the one that musical theater kids at my (and maybe your) middle school always used for auditions? Apparently it was almost cut from the film, mainly because it was shown to a test audience of little kids who all fidgeted and got visibly distracted.

The Rescuers Down Under, 1990

I don’t have too much to say about this one, the first Disney sequel ever. I had only ever seen the first Rescuers before and, as my previous set of reviews indicates, didn’t particularly like it, but came in to this one a little more optimistic since some consider it better than its predecessor. They aren’t wrong -- this movie was similar to The Rescuers but better, I think. Although the villain was just as forgettable, the setting was far more enticing (at least to someone like me who has never been to Australia and thinks of it as exotic), and the dynamic between the main mouse characters was more engaging. Here we have another subplot that somehow reminds me of a 90′s-ish sitcom/romcom, with the aborted marriage proposals and a love triangle -- not that love triangles hadn’t featured in movies for decades, but something about how this one was done felt distinctly more modern.

Beauty and the Beast, 1991

Ah, this is not only one of the Disney movies I saw the most as a kid but one which has only grown on me as I’ve gotten older -- I consider it one of the most groundbreakingly beautiful of the animated classics ever made, one of my very favorite Disney productions of all time. We got the video when I was only five or so; I remember distinctly that it came out on home video (right after coming out in theaters) right around the same time that 101 Dalmatians came out on home video and that my mom explained to me that she was choosing to buy Beauty and the Beast instead because of its superior music. She was right about this -- not that 101 Dalmatians has bad music, but it’s hard to measure up to Alan Mencken’s masterful compositions for Beauty and the Beast. For me it solidly ranks in the top three Disney movie soundtracks ever, one of the others being that of Mary Poppins and the third being from an easily-predictable film later on this list.

I’m pretty sure I remember watching portions of this movie every morning for weeks before leaving for kindergarten (this is what makes me think we got it when I was five), and I continued to enjoy it throughout childhood. I next watched it when I was much older, but I can’t remember exactly when. During college I got hold of the soundtrack of the musical, which since has been one of my favorite musical soundtracks to listen to. I never actually got to see the musical until last December when it was showing in my hometown, and I thought it was excellent. Interestingly, there were a number of scenes that I assumed had been added for the musical but I had actually forgotten were in the movie -- unlike with certain Disney musical films *ahemMaryPoppinsahem*, they didn’t take many liberties with the musical except to add a number of new (very good) songs.

Leaving aside the top-notch music and exquisite animation, the story in my opinion is one of the most beautiful and distinctively memorable stories Disney has ever told, not to mention entertaining without every being silly or over-the-top. It speaks of compassion, drawing out core goodness from an ugly exterior, and the fact that, to quote the enchantress from the start of the tale, “beauty comes from within”. Belle is also, to my mind, the most feminist Disney protagonist ever to be seen up to that time, which is why I get super super annoyed that so many people point to this movie loftily shouting “Stockholm Syndrome!” I feel it’s kind of inevitable that I quickly address that here, even though I’ve brought it up on this blog several times before. (Also, for an excellent takedown of the “Beauty and the Beast is a sexist story because Belle has Stockholm’s Syndrome” take, see this video essay of Lindsay Ellis.)

When watching the musical last winter I kept an eye out for justification for the Stockholm’s Syndrome take that I might not have remembered and couldn’t find any, but it pains me to admit that I did find a smidgen of justification, for someone determined to be a bit uncharitable, in a particular bit of dialog from the movie. I don’t recall it appearing with quite that wording in the musical, although it’s entirely possible that the musical has those exact same lines and I just wasn’t being observant. Here it is:

BELLE: What did you say?

BEAST: I release you. You’re no longer my prisoner.

BELLE: You mean... I’m free?

BEAST: Yes.

BELLE: Oh, thank you. Hold on, Papa. I’m on my way. [tries to hand mirror to BEAST]

BEAST: Take it with you. So you’ll always have a way to look back... and remember me.

BELLE: [in sweet, deeply moved tone] Thank you for understanding how much he needs me.

So okay, maybe Belle comes off as showing just a bit too much unqualified gratitude here, an oversight that the writers circa 1990 clearly should have avoided in case diagnosing female characters with Stockholm’s should ever become trendy twenty-something years later. But this could be remedied by a quick rewrite of the dialog in that one scene; it’s not as though the whole plot has to be changed away from its inherently misogynistic nature.

And that’s all I want to say on that one aspect of this absolute gem of a Disney production. Despite a few minor issues I noticed, such as Maurice being a little too innocent and helpless, and it lacking my very favorite line from the musical (“Belle don’t you recognize the beast within the man who’s now before you?” at the end), Beauty and the Beast comes about as close to perfection as it gets.

Aladdin, 1992

Although I didn’t see this major blockbuster hit when it first came out -- it was probably considered a bit too intense for me at kindergarten age -- this is the first time that I was aware on some level that a particular Disney movie was a new release. (One of my few sharp memories of kindergarten recess was a boy standing on a stump or low piece of playground equipment making proclamations to passersby for minutes at a time that alternated between, “You are a street rat!”, “You were born a street rat!”, and “You will die a street rat!”, and how this made me consciously contemplate the concept of present/past/future tenses for the first time.) When I saw it, I loved it -- it was clearly the most exciting animated movie out there. At some point in childhood I thought it was bested by its sequel, but a few years later as a teenager I decided that the tightly resonant plot of the original Aladdin made it the best Disney movie ever. I’ve definitely mellowed out my opinion on this, as Aladdin certainly has flaws and some other features are more deeply meaningful to me as an adult, but I still hold up Aladdin as one of the greats. I saw at least parts of it as an adult on TV and saw it very recently prior to getting Disney+ when it appeared briefly on Netflix, but I was perfectly happy to rewatch it yet again on Disney+ the evening after watching its predecessor as Aladdin is fun and entertaining every time.

In this animated production we have finally topped The Great Mouse Detective in terms of animated action. We have topped most movies that ever came out prior in terms of a manically funny yet also soulful character in Robin Williams’ role as the genie. The story is excellent, apart from having only one female character, and my being bothered just a little by the slough of magic tricks dominating the action towards the end -- I tend to prefer universes where magic requires scholarly study and careful training (e.g. The Black Cauldron) rather than “genie points his finger at you and now you have the ability to point your own finger and make anything happen that pops into your head”. The sultan continues the trend of old man characters who are portrayed as helpless and infantile -- in this case, even more intensely, since the sultan has none of Maurice’s brilliant smarts. But I’m mostly nitpicking here -- Aladdin is well deserving of its high status in the history of Disney.

The Nightmare Before Christmas, 1993

I was very glad to finally get a chance to see this movie, because I clearly remember knowing about it from the time it was being advertised back in 1993, and I heard about it during my entire childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. Although it seemed that most of my friends had seen it growing up, it didn’t look much like my conception at the time of a “normal movie” or even normal content, and so I don’t recall ever asking to watch it. But my recent-day self recognized that it’s quite a classic and was curious to see it.

I don’t regard The Nightmare Before Christmas as one of the really great Disney productions, but I strongly admire how original it was (particularly for its time) in every single aspect, including use of claymation, overall aesthetic, intriguing characters, and story. It was also fun to see what seems to be the only Disney musical that is done in the style of opera, that is, where the entire story is told in songs without any extended non-musical dialogs. And the songs are quite good in their own way, too. I don’t particularly want to see the film again, but I might not mind getting a soundtrack of it.

The Lion King, 1994

This is the first Disney movie -- and I believe the first movie of any kind, in fact -- that I went to see in the theater. I remember it as a powerful and sometimes overwhelming experience, but as a movie I overall liked even as young as I was. This is remarkable especially considering that much of the story feels more adult in nature than almost any other Disney animated feature.

What can I even say about this one? I think the general reaction to watching it is almost unanimously shared. My impression is that what its creators were going for, more than anything else, was epicness, and they succeeded in a way that had never been done through animation before. Apparently the entire (incredibly epic) opening number was shown as the trailer -- a questionable move, but understandably it got people very excited about The Lion King’s release.

One of many particular things that makes The Lion King stand out is the profound darkness of its main villain, perhaps the most chilling that has ever appeared in Disney. An argument can be made that not only murdering a major protagonist halfway through the movie but convincing the child that he’s to blame is the most evil act we’ve ever seen from a Disney villain. I’ve seen it pointed out that it’s vaguely ableist to give the villain an ugly scar and even make it his name. Some have suggested that they should have made the villain the handsome and strong one and given the scar to one of the heroes -- Simba or Mufasa -- instead. I’m definitely sympathetic to this point of view, and I totally agree that Scar shouldn’t actually have been someone’s name. However, without getting bogged down into something that could be a lengthy post all on its own, I strongly feel that in a way it adds to the depth of our villain’s depravity through the backstory that it implies. And by the way, his ending is probably my favorite out of the fates of all Disney villains.

The music also follows the film’s ethos of being as epic as possible (well, with the exception of a couple of the songs, but they were still fine songs). “The Circle of Life” and the instrumental music propel The Lion King’s soundtrack to possibly the very best in all of Disney.

To be sure, this movie does have more flaws than I remembered. As I said, Scar is a terrible name to give any of the characters, especially in a story where everyone else’s name comes from Swahili. Pumbaa is basically just one big fart joke. (Although, I give the writers major credit for managing to switch the tone to accommodate fart jokes within like five minutes of Scar confronting Simba over Mufasa’s death.) The video essayist Big Joel has pointed out interesting things about the story and made some rather troubling points about it, although to me that almost just makes the film deeper and more thought-provoking rather than actually worse (I see the Chronicles of Narnia this way). But overall, The Lion King has well earned its high rank on the list of highest grossing films of all time.

----------

At this point in Disney’s history and my childhood, apparently I decided that I didn’t care to see new Disney films coming out because I was content with watching my old favorites over and over, and anyway I was getting older and discovering that non-Disney movies could be quite entertaining as well. Therefore, I didn’t see any of these last four until adulthood, even though they all came out when I was still a kid.

Pocahontas, 1995

I was glad for the chance to finally see Pocahontas for the first time, unfortunately not before hearing countless references to it as being Problematic while I would have preferred to go into it completely uninfluenced by popular opinion. I had actually seen songs from it and Disney books of it as a child and it didn’t interest me at all. On finally watching the film, I found that I got what I expected on both counts: it wasn’t terribly interesting or gripping, and it doesn’t really pass the muster of today’s higher standards of responsible storytelling about colonialism.

All that really sticks out at me looking back (after some delay in writing this post, so that it was over a month ago that I watched this) is that the plot felt a bit atypical in two ways. One, a character, who is neither a protagonist really nor a villain, is killed off around halfway through -- a daring move that The Fox and the Hound chickened out of doing, but I shouldn’t have been all that surprised given that Pocahontas’ very predecessor did this with a protagonist in a much bigger way. And two, the story ends sort of anticlimactically: I can’t help feeling a bit disappointed when a big Disney animated feature doesn’t end with a lot of action, despite realizing that this more peaceful kind of ending being a reasonable alternative is basically the entire point the story wants to make.

The songs are sort of meh, at least by the high standards of Disney movies of this period. Nothing more really to say on this one.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame, 1996

Here is another movie that I had never gotten around to seeing before, despite having been somewhat more interested in it than I ever was in Pocahontas. And this turned out to be the main breakout attraction on this list, as I found it nothing short of spectacular (save, perhaps, the music, which was “only” quite solid, maybe not spectacular).

I would nominate this for the award of most mature movie among all the animated features included in this journey. I would almost say its ideal audience is adults, not children. It showcases an abusive relationship with enough intricate care to be worthy of analysis through abuse discourse on Tumblr. It displays lust and sexuality in a way that I don’t think I’ve never seen anywhere else in Disney animation. Its violence and political undertones are quite dark. It examines religion deeply (which is as far as I know unique in Disney), and the capacity of religion to bring out both the best and the worst impulses in humanity is exposed. Its main villain is one of the more multi-layered ones. It treats physical handicaps and deformities in quite an honest way and subverts expectations with its love plot.

Perhaps the only thing one might reasonably criticize this movie for is the characters of the gargoyles, which are clearly present to lighten the tone a bit so that the film isn’t entirely heavy and austere. But I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised -- I think the gargoyle stuff could have been executed in such a way that may have made the whole film sag, but instead they were done just right: the gargoyles are depicted as being animated only in the mind of Quasimodo. This means in fact that in a way, they actually implicitly add some gravity to his situation. (Consider that in a more typical Disney film there would have been some sort of cheesy sentient animal friend instead whose existence would not have been confined to the protagonist’s imagination.) Here I’m going to choose to ignore the fact that the gargoyles do seem to interfere in the final battle with some explosives, a possible inconsistency which is minor enough to be glossed over.

Anyway, I think before I unsubscribe from Disney+, I might just give this one a second watching.

Hercules, 1997

Although I never saw this one growing up, I did get talked into watching it by my college girlfriend who had been fond of it growing up. I distinctly remember not caring much for it when I saw it with her. My reaction at this later stage of my life is basically the same. There’s something about the animation style that I find subtly grating and distracting. And there’s something about the story itself that feels like way too light and cartoony a take on ancient Greek mythology (although it’s not like the ancient Greeks had a particularly heavy or dark mythology, and what else could I expect from Disney, really?). I guess that stories that are so explicitly centered around a young man’s quest for hero-hood and being godlike just don’t speak to me that well, and I didn’t find any of the characters that appeared to be especially memorable or engaging.

I did like the muses and enjoyed their singing but can’t say I love any of the musical numbers. So, I respect the effort and earnestness and general respect for ancient Greek culture that went into Hercules, but my overall reaction is still meh.

Mulan, 1998

I had only seen this movie once before, during a trip with some grad school friends back some years ago. One of my best friends at the time, who was with us on the trip, highly recommended it as pretty much her favorite Disney movie as she especially liked father-daughter stories. At the time, the film didn’t make a particularly strong impression on me, although I could recognize its quality. Watching it again on Disney+ has given me a deeper respect for it as having quite a good story and characterization, fine animation, and pretty decent music. I like both Mulan and Mushu as characters, and I enjoyed their dynamic.

I guess it’s telling, though, that I don’t really have all that much more to say about it. Maybe I don’t relate closely enough, maybe the movie didn’t imprint itself on me at an early enough time in my life, maybe I don’t engage that well with any plot that involves organized warfare, I don’t know. But I think I can only really like this film on a more dispassionate, intellectual level, rather than feeling touched in any kind of resonant way by it.

I think it’s interesting to note that Mulan is actually pretty rare among Disney protagonists in having two parents who survive through the entire story. And that moreover, despite it being billed as a father-daughter story to me (and I’m not denying that it is somewhere at its core), Mulan never directly interacts with her father except at the beginning and the very end.

Anyway... since watching all of these, I’ve been watching the more recent major films sort of sporadically: The Return of Jafar (a favorite of mine at some point in childhood, but with maturity I can now see why it was direct-to-video), The Emperor’s New Groove (quite good, better than expected), the first half of Home on the Range (about as bad as I expected, hence my quitting halfway through), WALL-E (as good as I remembered from when it came out when I was in college), Enchanted (one of my favorites, not on Disney+ so I got it through... other means), The Princess and the Frog (a real treat, slathered with Louisiana flavor), Tangled (sweet but nothing outstanding), Frozen (one of my favorites from seeing it in the theater; however I had never seen the first ten minutes which makes a major difference!), and Frozen II (which I had been sorry to miss in theaters last winter, a bit of a weird story but not bad and absolutely the most stunning animation I’ve ever seen). And, of course, Belle’s Magical World, the infamous mid-quel to Beauty and the Beast; this was not a major film but I just had to see if it was as legendarily bad as people say and, yes, it was.

I’m very glad to have been able to get a break from Netflix by taking a tour through the main history of Disney -- including many childhood memories, would-be childhood experiences, and more modern things from my adulthood -- thanks to Disney+.

18 notes · View notes

kinosternon · 3 years

Text

State of the turtle

Hey!

So it may go without saying, but I haven't been around very much since November/December. There's a few reasons for this, the major practical ones being that I'm doing grad school and also moved and, y'know, the world existing as it is at the moment. But a big part of it was also that I got really burnt out and have been struggling to figure out how to go about fixing that.

Details below (nothing too intense, but some mental health talk comes up). TL;DR, I'm quiet but still around <3

The experience of writing CSCG was fantastic, but it was A Lot. I was staying up late a few nights a week, almost every week, just finishing chapters—on top of work, school, another side project or two, and general life stuff. I can't say I fully regret doing things the way that I did them, because without weekly deadlines it probably would've taken me years to finish, if I managed it at all. It was a whole huge rush, and that left it sloppy in places, but it also added a lot of energy to the process. I think it had a good effect on the story's tone as well, in a way that would've been hard to maintain otherwise. (If anyone here followed me because of my Undertale longfic, that's what happened there. I have not given up on it yet, but I'm not quite ready to get back to it yet, either.)

I just made sure I posted Every Week No Matter What, because I was scared of stopping if I slowed down, and because there didn't seem to be any real consequences to pushing myself that way, and because I figured that stretching yourself to the limit is how you grow.*

But when CSCG ended, I hit upon a few problems all at once. I'd pushed myself to the very edge on writing, right before throwing myself into another huge writing event, NaNoWriMo. I'd been doing it for so long that I didn't really want to skip it, and stopping cold turkey after writing (what ended up being) 6k-10k a week, almost every week, would've probably messed with me too, like an athlete who just suddenly stops training altogether. I had fun, even if most of the words I produced were pretty much unusable.

I'd also pushed...honestly well beyond anything I thought I was ready to accomplish in my writing by actually posting and finishing a longform story. At the outset, I hadn't expected anything but relief and/or pride at the end. That...wasn't what happened. There was definitely relief, and a whole ton of gratitude, and some pride in the abstract, but mostly I just felt exhausted. And annoyed with myself for not feeling happier about it, because the joy about reviews was part of what helped keep me going through writing, and yet something about finishing the story cut off a lot of my positive feelings related to that.

It also hurt a bit because I'd thought of myself (in part) as a person who was unsatisfied with myself because I couldn't finish stories. When it turned out I could, it meant that the uncomfortable feelings that came along about my writing couldn't be blamed on the fact that I'd left something unfinished.

But I think the worst part of finishing the story was how hard those final chapters were—not because of plot considerations (though tying off loose ends was definitely a challenge at times!), but because of how hard the emotional notes were to hit. I spent a year—a really rough year, that I'd known going into it would be rough but that quickly got more worse than I could've imagined at the outset—writing an angsty story about exhaustion, breakdown, and recovery. And then, when I hit the happy ending, I was still far away from any happy ending to the challenges I'd been facing in my own life, and I realized it was hard to write the characters being happy.

I felt terrible about that. I still do, to be honest. These were characters who spoke to my soul, who I fond points of resonance in closer than just about any other form of media that I'd ever experienced. And yet, after literal hundreds of thousands of words explaining their dynamic and finding ways to repair it, I could barely find it in me to write their happy ending. I could barely believe in it long enough to write it, much less imagine what might come after.

I know that plot comes from characters facing challenges, which usually involves a certain amount of distress, but not being able to find the emotion of peace of happiness for them still really distressed me. And I hit the end of the story while still feeling that guilt, and still feeling the pressure to find more within me, to write happy sequels to keep balancing out the trouble I'd put the characters through. And I hadn't even begun to account for the grief that comes up when a story ends, which a post I saw today describes very well.

Basically, I hit some huge walls in the writing process, and blasted through them through sheer force of will. I'd been living that way in general for a year or two even before the pandemic hit, weathering every setback that came my way. The commitments I'd made only slowed down a little when lockdowns started, and some of their consequencess all came together in some nasty combinations a few different times over the ensuing months, which led to me finding out what starts to happen after I push past enough limits, which is: Not Very Good things, mainly of the depression variety.

And so I've spent the last few months (from mid-November on, really) trying to figure out how to deal with said Not-Very-Good-ness. I've persevered through a combination of stubbornness, inertia, and just sheer ignorance of other options, but putting things up on the Internet is one of the hardest things for me to do confidence-wise, so that was one of the first things to go. I'm making progress, but I'm still as intimidated by the idea of putting myself out there as ever.

I've made some changes to my living situation, and gotten therapy and medication, and all of those things have helped a lot. Unfortunately, because of my studies, writing can't be a top priority for me this year, and it probably won't be next year, either. I haven't even had it in me to write many rough drafts lately, which I'm trying to think of a fallow period rather than letting it discourage me too badly. Still, I'd like to find ways to talk with people online more. You're very nice and I'm very happy to get to meet you!

As I figure things out, there will probably be times I'll just vanish for a month or two (or several or more, honestly). But I'm still around; I just withdraw into my shell to rest every once in a while.

* What these past few years have taught me is: yes, pushing yourself can be great for you in small doses! But it's important to do it while valuing your safety, treating yourself and your efforts as kindly as possible, and prioritizing getting plenty of rest afterward. I do okay at parts of that, but I still have (ironically) a lot of work to do on the rest.

#posting this before I get too scared to lol XP #about the writer #cscg #ramblepost #depression mention cw

1 note · View note