being so honest I don’t understand how people can expect you to be doing things constantly every single day. I’m supposed to be on summer break but my university expects me to send in 80 sources for my senior thesis by next week

the very thought of doing school work right now makes me want to cry. I can’t even open a blank document and start writing for my own fics. I can’t even engage in my own hobby right now because I’m so mentally exhausted. how can you expect me to do thesis work? I’ve hardly had a break since finals

my personal life has been an ongoing shitshow since last summer. and has only gotten worse in recent months. how can you expect someone to function in society when you throw one thing after another at them?

I’m so tired and done. but I have no choice other than pushing through it because that’s what’s expected of me! that’s exhausting

the struggles of writing smut (series edition)

where were we?

going back to the previous chapter to see which room they were in 

“…as he lifts her up and presses her against the wall”; previous chapter: they were on a bed

vice versa for this version: “she clenches her fingers around the bedsheets beneath her…”; previous chapter: they were in the living room

did this character give the other a nickname?

going back to the previous chapter to see if they’re naked yet

“…he rips her panties off her skin”; previous chapter: he already stole her panties

and vice versa for this version: “she falls breathless as she watches him smoothly taking his suit off and start unbuttoning his shirt…”; previous chapter: he’s already shirtless

when they’re climaxed/finished and the main/male character wipes his partner clean with his shirt that was tossed in the other room a few chapters ago

“…as he runs his fingers through her silky hair”; previous chapter: her hair is thick and curly 

April 28, 2023

Despite everything, it's still you.

the thing i keep thinking back to over and over about i saw the tv glow is when owen is like "i have a family of my own now. i love them a lot" and then you NEVER see them, not even a sound, it's just a blip, they're just an empty motion...

i think twelve and clara are starting to make sense to me but i don't think it's what moffat intended or how the ppl that like them see their dynamic

winter depression is here and I am ANNOYED about it

thinking about Shang Qinghua as a calamity again...

I knew Micah wasn’t a great guy but I was a fool to think he had any redeeming traits.

Sorry for vanishing guys. I'm still alive, just... taking a break from social media. My mental health has not been kind to me these past few months, and I found that I... Just haven't been able to reblog and do things like I used to on here. Not to mention college. College has been eating up a lot of my time.

I don't know why things are like this for me, but like this they are. I keep telling myself I'll come back one of these days, but so far nothing has stuck.

So yeah. TL;DR: I'm still alive, just gone dormant. I hope to be back one day for real though. When? I do not know. But someday.

My therapist told me today that I'm one of her patients who's made the most progress in the last two years and honestly I have a feeling I'm getting a good grade at therapy

Look, I've spent my entire adult life advocating for voting as harm reduction, that candidates will never be perfect and most democrats are really just centrists who we have to scream at to get them to do damn near anything, but that's still preferable to the outright violence of the republican party. I get the point of voting as not the only step but the first step. But. But. But is in the middle of a genocide really the time to be hollering in people's faces about how they cannot vote third party in this coming presidential election? About how they *have* to vote for Biden, because at least he's not Trump? There is a time and place for the discussion about avoiding putting a dictator in the Whitehouse when we have a broken two party system where the electoral college does not adequately represent the will of the people. I would politely argue that time and place is *not* in the middle of the sitting president endlessly doubling down on supporting an active genocide. People have the right to be furious with the democratic party. People have the right to not trust the democratic party, or agree about them being "the better of two evils." The Clinton administration escalated the War on Drugs, gave us the deeply anti-Black "super predator" concept, and are the origins of today's ICE and the deterrence strategy that has led thousands of migrants to die in the desert. The Obama administration broke records when it came to drone strikes over Syria and when it came to deportations. Continuously using the threat of the Republican party as a stick to pressure folks into voting Democrat grows less and less effective every time the Democratic party makes concessions that move it farther center. Which they have been doing since the Reagan administration as a strategy to capture centrists and maintain power. The Biden administration has done good on a number of policy fronts. But it's also caved to pressure to end the public health emergency, ended eviction moratoriums and been slow on a number of fronts to address people's rising unrest at the soaring costs of inflation. Our current Congress has been a shitshow rife with in-fighting that has stalled out key policies, and yes, has seen Democrats make concessions to Republican extremists in ways that weaken bills that could have gone farther in providing relief and boosting our failing infrastructure. Then we hit October, and the US federal government throws its weight behind a genocide, ignoring the swelling outcry and condemnation from its citizens. The US government is continuing to fund Israel's genocide of Palestine and federal staffers are having to walk out on the goddamn job to get their bosses to acknowledge the calls coming through. Biden has been caught multiple times spreading misinformation regarding the genocide in Palestine. Representative Rashida Tlaib, the one Palestinian American in Congress, has been censured for daring to speak up on behalf of her constituents and condemn this violence. Funders of the democratic party are angling to force out Progressive members of the party like Rashida Tlaib, Cori Bush, Ilhan Omar, and others in the upcoming elections. Hollering at people to "Vote Blue no matter who" right now is profoundly callous and ill timed. It is also a remarkably ineffective strategy to try and ensure we don't have a red wave in the coming election. This is not a matter of "holding your nose and voting" this time. There is a 12,000 person body count in the last month. Americans are watching live on Twitter as Palestinians are slaughtered with our tax dollars. We are witnessing a Democratically controlled government still choose to fund imperialism over feeding, clothing, and housing its citizens. I beg you to consider how callous you sound throwing a fit about folks who no longer see supporting the democratic party as a valid strategy to fight Republican conservatism as we witness three genocides at once.

a doodle from many moons ago that I just found under a rock

I know that we've had a lot of Ashton-heavy sessions recently (which I love) but I've been trying to think about what tonight's session might entail after they changed the title for the previous one, and I honestly think the best things I can come up with are

They go back to the crater left by Ashton when the Hishari pushed the first shard into him because when they had the team split and they were sent to Issylra, they were so close to their old home but couldn't go and see it because of time crunch reasons. Taliesin and Ashton have both expressed interest in going back and seeing it, and Ashton has put it on their list of unfinished and important business

They go back to Basuras and meet the Nobodies, who are waiting for Ashton because Sally gathered them before Ashton left for Whitestone/Zephrah, so we might go back there so Ashton can give them a job which I think will result in some very juicy angst

I know that this is sorta self-indulgent, and if you follow my posts at all you know that these are both things I really want to happen, but I also honestly think that these are the most likely? I mean, even if we have a filler episode where the team can have a break and talk it out, I don't see them hanging out in the feywild for much longer and I don't see why that wouldn't go past Ashton's childhood home or the place the shard was implanted into them in the first place, especially given the last couple of episodes, and doesn't this awakening mean that Ashon has an important part to play on the moon, or have I misunderstood that? I don't know, this is probably just wishful thinking, but these are my predictions

Little Updates! + Music-Fics-Requests

Hello my dear angels, devils, humans and in-between creatures of the day and the night, I hope you are all doing wonderfully :)

So. I'm still behind on my writing/posting schedule because, to put it very mildly, I've been going through a breakdown hahahaha last month, it was my birthday which I don't quite enjoy, and a few days later my dad suffered an accident - and that, my dear cryptids, triggered chaos and crisis in my life HAHAHAHA

I used to be a skeptic of the earth-shattering powers of Saturn's Return when you reach your 30s, but lo and behold, it didn't take Saturn even a WEEK to make itself known

My dad is fine health-wise, but it was quite traumatic for me and I'm still trying to figure things out regarding the repercussions of everything that happened. So, things have slowed down a LOT when it comes to EVERYTHING in my life while I'm trying to put it all back into place.

I'm tip-toeing around the details 'cause I really don't want to openly talk about it, like I said, still going through the motions

I DO WANT TO WRITE THOUGH, I MISS IT.

I've said it before, writing is my therapy. I'm finishing last year's Vergil Halloween special, and I will be posting soon, I hope.

But I've been wanting to do the music writing thing again! SO!

For now, I'm gonna take my last year's Spotify Wrapped playlist as I've done before, but I want to add some songs didn't make the cut last year Ghost I'm staring at you, so I'll just make a playlist for writing here, with a bunch of songs I think would be nice/fun/interesting for the Spardaverse HAHAHA

SO! HOW ARE WE GONNA DO IT?

Just send me an ask, with a number and a character - just remember, I write Dante and Vergil with y/n s/o and Nero with Kyrie.

For now, I'll be doing just the three of them, but if you are an unhinged little fella and suggest something with another character that ends up having an interesting song attached to it, I might write it as well, ask at your own risk *side eyes*

Let the memes come

That's it. I just wanna go back to having a little fun with writing again and once I'm stuck again in survival mode after all that happened in the last couple of weeks, this little music game might help ^^

And it might be fun for you too! Oh, do put something like "hey, it's for the music-fic ask" so I know what's about as well! I might get lost on my asks forgive me

Hope to write a lot more so I can get back onto my bigger projects soon, like Nemesis and Survivor's Blood! I won't give up on them, I just need some ~time~

Hope to see you guys on my asks!!

the diehard clara hater/lover quiz is fun because some of the lover descriptions feel like they're describing the most toxic evil person on planet earth and it's like guys i think we have all forgotten the fact that canonically she is twelve's one tie to earth and has to remind him of how to care about people. and like she dies in a doctor-esque sacrifice to save someone. she just reflects the worst qualities of the doctor she is not an evil possessive selfish girlboss woman. i do wish she was more awful though i think it would be funny to have a sole companion like that making the doctor worse

i have so many people awaiting replies from me, but i have so little spoons to do so right now, yet the longer i wait the more guilty i feel about not responding, increasing the chances of me procrastinating even more