hhgfhgjkskjdf unfortunately i have to be brave and set a boundary for myself 🧎‍♀️

They’re So Pretty, It Hurts | Zoe

Plot:  Several minutes of the reader being a disaster

Word Count: 1,870

Warnings:  Pining.  So much pining.

A/N:  it’s woman loving hours, lads.  

Tags: @yagirlcheesely @moppetwithamanbun @tales-of-hisirdoux @blixeon

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Sometimes, you go to a bookstore, and you see a pretty girl.  You make eye contact, and it’s only for a second, but it still takes your breath away.  Her eyes are just so blue, the colour of the sky when the sun is finished rising.  You could get lost in them, you wanted to get lost in them, but instead, you look away almost instantly because being perceived is Not Fun.  Still, your cheeks are warm, and you’re desperate to steal another glance at her.

This is one of those times.  Except you worked at the bookstore, but that didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.  Bottom line, you’d made eye contact with a cute girl and instantly fallen in love with her.  It be like that sometimes, but we manage and move forward.  You managed and moved forward by hiding behind one of the shelves.  You were not the best at managing and moving forward.  You may have actually gone backwards, I’m not sure.  Either way, your heart was racing, practically beating out of your chest.  It felt you couldn't breathe, like oxygen was made of cute girls, which sounds nice but is, in practice, really impractical and very suffocating.

“Uh, (Y/N)?  You good, mate?”

“Hhjkjadfhkaljdfhakhfd-”

“Oh, fuzzbuckets.”

Your lovely, lovely coworker, Hisirdoux Casperan, had noticed you hiding behind the shelf, which wasn’t difficult at all, really.  You didn’t care though, you were mostly hiding from the cute girl.  Literally, anyone and everyone else who entered the bookstore could see you, but that didn’t matter.  As long as she didn’t see, everything would be fine.  Douxie, however, thought you may have had a stroke.

“(Y/N)?” he gave your arm a little poke, “(Y/N)?  (Y/N) darling, are you-”

“Alkjdhfalksdhfajlksdfhakjf, yeah, sorry, I just-” you didn’t finish your sentence.  You just kind of floated away into the void, attention stolen again by the cute girl.  Her hair was pink, her clothes very punk-rock.  Yeah, yeah, you were a goner.  God, she was pretty.  Oh.  Oh, fuck, she was coming this way.  

You jerked your head to face the books you were hiding behind (something about true crime?  It looked cool, but now was not the time,) while Douxie faced the cute girl head-on.  You would never know where he found the confidence, but you respected it.

“Zoe!  This is (Y/N), she’s the new one I was telling you about.”

Zoe.  Zoe.  You liked it.  It was pretty, like her.  Oh, god, she was talking to you.

“(Y/N), huh?  Cute name, it suits you.”

If you could think coherently, you would have been wondering if that meant she found you cute, but you couldn’t think coherently.  At the moment, your thoughts were mostly “AKJKDSFHKJHG,” and “KSHFJAHFKJHAKDFHKALDFHLAJSDFHKLJADSHFKLHASKDJFHKALS,” and you still couldn’t breathe!  It was very valid of you, to be honest.

“Uhh, thanks.  You too.”

Good, good, that was what a normal person would say.  This was a normal, average conversation.  You definitely didn’t have a huge crush on her or anything, nooooo-

“So, uh… true crime?”

You blinked a few times in confusion before realizing that she was referring to the shelf you were leaning on.  Oh, yeah, true crime.  Oh, god, she was looking at you, they were both looking at you, QUICK THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT TRUE CRIME.

“Uh, yeah, I like… crime.”

Oh, wow that was dumb.  I mean, it wasn’t the worst thing you could have said, but you would always remember that one of the first things you said to Zoe was “I like crime.”

She raised an eyebrow, “You… like crime?”

Too late to back out now, “...Yes.  I’m…  I’m good at crime.  I enjoy arson.”

It was stupid.  Really stupid, like, you didn’t even know where that came from.  But it made her laugh.  And you knew at that moment that you would do anything to make her laugh again.  Her smile was a blessing that brought light into your world, and you wanted to see it every day if she was okay with that.

“Ah, I like you, you’re cute.  Anyway, I have to get back to work, but I’ll see you later.  And you!”

You were trying to recover from the first six words of that sentence, but now she was pointing at you!  And looking!  Eye contact!  Ah!

“Stick around Arcadia, ok?  I wanna see you again.”

“I-I um-” you were straight-up dying now, ok, “Well, you know where to find me!”

Her smile was the most important thing in the world and you would die to protect it.

“Aight, I’m out!  Bye guys!”

“See you, Zo.”

“B-bye!”

As soon as she was gone, you collapsed against the bookshelf and buried your face in your hands.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, WELL, that could have gone better, but it didn’t go worse, and for that you were thankful.

Douxie stared at you for a second.  He’d seen friends in this state before, as often as the night prior, actually.  Zoe had had the same reaction when she first saw you that you had to seeing her now, and he’d promised to introduce you.  She’d been so calm earlier because she’d been practicing what to say in the mirror for, like, a day.  You, on the other hand, had not prepared for this.  It was finals week and you had not studied.  Shit, you hadn’t even known about finals week.  Your friend had just devised this gay little plot and it left you a flustered mess with no study materials.  There were no cue cards in this world, only pretty-girl-panic and fits of uncontrollable blushing.

He knelt down to get on your level, “You okay?”

“Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

“Understandable.  You wanna chill in the back for a minute?”

“Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

It wasn’t a verbal confirmation, but you nodded, and he took that as a yes.  He helped you to your feet and led you to the back, which was technically his house, but whatever, semantics. 

“Here, I’ll just let you chill for a bit.  I’ll be back soon, please don’t die.”

“I won’t!”

He smiled at that and walked back into the shop to continue dealing with the public.  F in the chat for Douxie.  In the meantime, you just curled yourself into a ball on his couch and made a low humming noise.  Man, were you bad at… everything or what?

“Mrowr?”  You looked up to see a familiar mass of black fur, his head tilted in curiosity.  

“Ah, hey Arch.”

“Mrp.”

“You know you don’t have to do the whole cat thing with me?  I know you can talk.”

“Well, it’s nice to pretend sometimes.  Besides, we don’t know when that door’ll open again or for who.  It’s best to stay inconspicuous.”

You let a small laugh escape you as you started to calm down, your lungs finally getting the oxygen they’d so desperately missed, “I mean, that’s fair.”

“Mrpt?”  which, in cat, meant, “So, what’s up?”

“Well, it’s this girl.  Zoe.  Pink hair, blue eyes, the most gorgeous human being I’ve ever seen.  I just… she’s really cute and I made an absolute fool out of myself in front of her.”

“Mrooooooooooooooooooooow,” meaning, “(Y/N), dear, I know this Zoe.  She’s friends with Douxie.  The bar for general foolery is pretty high.”

“You really think so?”

“Mrow!”  “(Y/N), I know so.  If you like her so much, you should talk to her more!  You’re a nice person, I’m sure she’d like you!”

“Thanks, Arch.”

“Prrbt,” “You’re welcome.”

“Well, I should probably get out there.  Go be a functioning member of society.  Thanks again, bud,”  you gave the cat-dragon a little scratch behind the ears, smiling again at how he stretched up to meet your hand, “See ya around, cat man.”

“See you, (Y/N).”

You gave the familiar one last grin before you slipped out the door, glad that you could breathe, finally.  And then that was ripped away from you by a cute pink-haired lady in the middle of the bookstore.

“Oh!  Zoe!  Hi!”

“Hey, (Y/N)!  I just realized I uh, sort of forgot what I came here for.” 

“That’s understandable!  It happens to me all the time!”

“Heh, yeah,”  she stopped talking and just stared at you for a second.  You did the same before remembering that she said words, and that meant something.

“O-oh, yeah.  What is it that you were looking for?”

“Oh, just,” she pulled a post-it note out of her pocket and handed it to you.  Her finger brushed over yours and you could almost feel a spark there, “Just this.”

“C-cool!  Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, I’ll be right back!”  you gave her a quick nod before running upstairs to grab the book.  While you were distracted, Zoe had her own little meltdown, but she composed herself as soon as she noticed you coming down the stairs.

“Aight, so here you go,” you handed her the book, fingers brushing hers, electricity running through them.  Literally, there was electricity.  You waved it off though.  It was a magical world, and this wasn’t the weirdest thing to happen today (nope, that little award went to “I enjoy arson.”)

“That’ll beeeee, nothing.  Take it.”

“Wait, that’s-that, why?

“I mean, it’s not something I’m allowed to do but, eh, you’re cute.  And I told you I enjoy crime, didn’t I?”

“I’m-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll pay for it,” you said, immediately losing any cool persona you may have had.  Zoe didn’t mind.  She thought you were cute no matter what you did.  That in itself was made evident by the blush on her cheeks.

“O-oh.”

You smiled a little.  You did that, you were the cause of it.  You could only hope that she was also okay with this.

“Well,” you bit your lip.  The longer she stayed quiet the more you doubted your flirting skills, “I’ll be seeing you!”

“Wait!”

Your head shot up, eyes immediately focused on her, ready to hear whatever she had to say.  Man, you were a simp.

“I uh… I was wondering if I could get your number?  With this?”

You were pretty sure you died for a second, but when you recovered, you stuttered out a, “Yeah,” and quickly wrote your name and number on the post-it note she’d handed you.

The smile she gave you when you passed her the note was quite possibly the best thing you’d ever seen in your life.

“Well, I’ll call you!  Or text you, or whatever…”

You couldn’t help but laugh at how nervous she was, because that was a solid mood, “I look forward to it!”

And with that, she was gone, but she couldn’t stop thinking about your laugh, and how she’d do anything to see your smile again.

Inside, you were thinking the same, or you were until Douxie re-appeared from wherever he'd been hiding.

"Congratulations!"

You jumped an entire foot in the air, something you didn't really think was possible until right then, "Jesus Christ, Casperan!  Don't sneak up on me like that, God.  That's the seventh time today, we need to get you a cowbell or something, my Go-"

"So, did it go well?"

Your satisfaction painted itself on your face, "Yeah," you hummed, looking out the window, "It went well."

The Girl Who Cried Wolf Chapter 7

Summary: 5 times MJ says ‘I love you’ and 1 time Peter says it back.

Characters: Michelle Jones, Peter Parker

AO3

The blaring of an alarm clock and a pounding headache woke MJ up from a restless sleep. Some weird dream involving marshmallows, tea and a spatula. She slapped a hand on the ‘off’ button and curled deeper into her blankets. But her blankets were too hot; in fact, her entire body seemed too hot. Was she getting sick? She tried clearing her throat but stopped when she realised how dry it was. Yep, she was definitely down with the cold. But the cold had never stopped Michelle Jones from getting to school before, and today wouldn’t be the first. Sliding her blanket off and gingerly placing her feet on the floor, MJ stood up and promptly collapsed.

Okay, maybe today would be the first day after all. No biggie, everyone had sick days. In fact, Peter had sick days where he wasn’t even sick, probably out webbing the world together.

She slid back into bed, making sure to text her Mum that she was calling in sick today, before slipping into much welcomed sleep. Yet it felt like she’d only gotten a second of sleep before she woke up to a thump. Slowly rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she forced a peak over the edge of the bed to find her phone on the floor. Vibrating. Picking it up, she gritted her teeth. Peter Parker. 23 Missed Calls. 317 Text Messages. Had her phone vibrated so much that it fell off her night stand? She was going to throttle the little twerp. Or punch him. In the mouth. With her mouth. Softly.

What time was it even? Looking at the clock, she grit her teeth in frustration. 2 in the afternoon. How did so much sleep feel like so little?

‘MJ where are you?’

‘MJ are you coming to school’

‘MJ it’s second period.’

‘MJ answer me I’m panicking.’

She sighed fondly at her phone, and had just enough energy to type ‘I’m alright, Loser, just sick’ before slipping back into slumber.

::::

‘Who the fuck,’ she thought with a grumble as she wrapped the blankets around her shoulders and begrudgingly trudged to the door, from which a relentless pounding was emanating. ‘I swear if it’s anyone other than Peter freaking Parker, I’m going to commit homicide. And if it is him-’

“Um…hey, it’s Peter Parker.” A hesitant voice called out from behind her front door.

‘-I’m gonna commit suicide.’ Mustering her most annoyed face, she opened a crack in the door and peaked out.

“How’d you know where I live?” She glared.

It seemed to work, as his frame visibly shrank.

“Um…I’m Spider-man?”

She narrowed her eyes further. This was too easy and too much fun.

“And you use your genetically enhanced abilities and multi-million-dollar suit to stalk me?”

“What?? No!” Liar.

“Geez relax, I was kidding,” she sniffed, pulling back and opening the door for him to enter. His eyes immediately started to shine like stars and she had to hold her smile back. “What’d you come here for anyways?”

“I got some tea for you,” he gulped, reaching into his backpack for a package of tea leaves that he’d probably swung an hour south for. “After I heard you were sick I-”

“You mean after I texted you,” she interrupted, staring at him straight in the eyes.

“Ok, yeah after you texted m-”

“After you bombed my phone with 23 calls and 317 texts.” Her gaze was unwavering. This was definitely too easy.

“I was worried!” He argued. “I’ve never seen you miss school and-”

“While I was asleep.” She could see his cheeks flush as his eyes darted around, looking at anything but her face. Why do you have to be so delightfully adorable when you’re nervous, Peter Parker?

She watched the clogs in his brain work furiously to find an exit from this predicament while she inwardly chuckled. Finally, he gingerly offered the bag of tea to her, smiling shyly. “I got you a book too,” he tried.

She counted to 15, and savoured the look of his conviction slowly diminishing before she rolled her eyes, sighed and let him in.

“What book is it?” She asked, bolting the door and shuffling to the couch – dear God her head was still hurting – and snatched the tea from his outstretched hand.

“Oh it was this tea book that the lady at the store recommended,” he fumbled and pulled it out. “It was on sale and it’s where I knew what tea to buy for a cold. Also the authors name is Mary Jane, but that’s also MJ, so I-” oh dear Peter Parker you wonderful idiot.

“That’s my book.”

“Um, I know,” Peter replied, raising an eyebrow questioningly. “I’m giving it to you.”

“No,” you idiot. She took a breath. “I wrote that book.” At his bewildered silence, she rolled her eyes. “I’m Mary Jane, okay? I couldn’t very put Michelle Jones as the author of a tea book, or everyone’s gonna think it’s a detective novel.”

Silence. It was deafening, and Michelle struggled not to break it. Now her cover was definitely ruined. He was definitely going to laugh and her reputation as the resident hard-ass and–

“You wrote a tea book??” Peter finally squeaked.

“Wow, that’s your takeaway from this?” She rolled her eyes.

“And it’s a bestseller!”

“I’m well aware, thank you very much.”

“Can I have an autograph?”

MJ froze. “Excuse me?” Her hope that he was joking turned to ash when she turned and saw his bright eyes sparkling again. Even glaring at him didn’t work – possibly because of her state of health.

“I mean,” oh Peter. “I’m sure if you’ve written one bestseller you’re gonna write many more in the future,” you magnificent loser. “And since you wrote the book I’m not gonna give it to you, and if I had an autograph I could brag that I was the first to get it.” No human being has the right to be that cute. Go reflect on your actions, Spider-man.

Count to ten, she counselled herself. Fill the kettle. Put it on the stove and turn it on. Grab a sharpie. Count to ten again before you say something you regret.

“You’re lucky I love you,” she muttered. Well fuck you too, brain.

“Wha-what?” He seemed to choke on the frog in his mouth. Ah fuck he heard me.

“I said, ‘you’re lucky I love the tea.’ Now gimme the book.” She replied without missing a beat. As impulsive as her brain had been recently, it had not slowed down any. It might have been increasingly active, if anything. She’d have to mentally prepare herself for these sort of situations when he’d left. But how was one supposed to be prepared for Peter Blessed Parker?

“Ri-right,” he handed her the book, but his mind seemed a million miles away. This was bad. Did she break him?

“You’re such a Loser,” She signed hastily.

“Here you go, Loser,” she grumbled.

“Thanks,” he smiled, returning to Earth. Was that fondness in his smile? He stared at it for a minute before blinking. “Oh yeah I’ve got some homework for you from Chem and some class notes from History today.” He pulled the respective worksheets from his bag as he stuffed the tea book back in. “Ned says hi, but he couldn’t come cuz he has to help his mum cook.”

“Hmm,” She hummed. She took the stuff from him before plopping on the couch and studying them intently. Or she tried. Even as she glared at the words on her paper, the only space left in her brain from her headache were occupied by the adorable Spiderling sitting across from her.  

“Anyways I’d love to stay and try the tea but I really gotta go,” Peter spoke up, getting up. “Cuz I gotta get some web hours in before dinner tonight.”

“Oh um, ok,” MJ looked up, trying her hardest not to seem disappointed, before something struck her as unacceptable. “Hold up, did you really just say ‘web hours’?”

“Yep see you get well soon bye!!” He chirped and closed the front door behind him, leaving a stunned MJ with a stack of papers in her left hand and a cup of tea in her right. She couldn’t go back to sleep.

Previous Chapter: Here

Next Chapter: Here

Masterlist: Here

Tags: @you-guys--are-losers​ @spideychelleforever​ @spideychelleee​ @spidermaninlove​ @tonystarkissist​ @spideychellefics​ @spiderxboy @spideychelle-4-ever @spideyxchelle @thespideychellelibrary @here-be-spideychelle 

Morgan Reads Dune: Part 1

So as I previously stated I’m attempting to read Dune again. I read the first two chapters years ago and bounced off it cuz I hated it so much. I still hate it, and will likely continue to hate it, so yes this is a hate-read.

If you like Dune: cool, I can see how you might even though I don’t. You might not want to read this live-blog tho cuz I will drag the hell out of Herbert and dear special Paulie boy.

This isn’t meant to be taken as serious critique. I’m sure there are plenty of people who have given measured and nuanced critique and analysis of the text who know a lot more than me and are way better writers. Dune clearly is a pillar of Old School Sci-fi, etc etc. The purpose of this live-blog is to help me drag my way through the book to finish it so I can say I did it. That’s it. Also, mild entertainment value for Radchdome.

Dune apparently has no chapters which annoys me further so I’ll be going by page numbers. Basically I’ll do a new live-blog post at every big Manual of Muad’Dib quote, assuming they keep happening consistently in the book. I have the mass marker paperback ISBN 0-442-17271-7 if that helps but probably not.

I would do readmores, but I’m gonna have to do most of this on mobile so I apologize for that.

If you want to blacklist this, I’ll tag all posts with #MorganReadsDune.

Anyway, here we go:

Pages 1 through 13:

“A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct. Except at Waffle House.”

Again I’m like 4 paragraphs in and all my brain is doing is smashing two pans together and screaming about how Paul should have been trans and it would have been a much more complex and satisfying narrative. But you know, Herbert.

Actually losing my mind at the names Paul and Jessica. This is not a unique or new thought, but god. This happened last time but it’s so jarring and I hate it. It’s worse juxtaposed to the Secondary World words like Arrakis and Atreides. Paul. Paul! He sounds like he could be on the Jersey Shore. Jersey Shore: Arrakis Vacation. Anyway I’m still on page 1.

“The awakened boy could see a bulky female shape.” 1. The gendered not-asleep human could see with his sight orbs a human person of exact gender that he knew” 2. Writin’s bad

“Gom Jabbar.” My brain: jabberwocky. Never ending gob stopper. Name of a shitty throw away side character in Star Wars.

Actually hold on I love that I read good sci-fi before any of the “old guard” cuz I just keep reading “reverend mother” and being like “Harrowhark’s corpse mom” so that’s who this woman whose eyes have been described with 3 separate terms is now.

“In all the upset during this time of change, the old woman was the strangest thing he has seen.” That’s just how Cishet men are.

Also: Kwisatz Haderach sounds like something Geralt of Rivia could slay with one hand behind his back just saying.

“There has been so many things to learn.” Head full, many thoughts. “Arrakis-Dune-Desert Planet.” Just keep repeating those vocab words Paulie it’s gonna be on the big Spicy Test later.

“Their mortal enemies, the Harkonnens.” Two households, both alike in dignity. In fair Arrakis where we lay our worms. Also the Harkonnens are my fav because if Paul hates them, I don’t.

“Under a CHOAM Company” Chode company, got it.

“The geriatric spice, melange.” OLD SPICE

“Arrakis-Dune-Desert Planet” stop fucking say that I do NOT need to be reminded.

“Arrakeen” CONLANG MASTER HERBERT OVER HERE. He’s said the work Arrakis 5 times on this page.

“Paul awoke to feel himself in the warmth of his bed—thinking... thinking.” What a window into this characters thoughts...he’s definitely having them. Thoughts.

“The faufreluches” And now we are German.

“Arrakis—Dune—Desert Planet” EARTH—SHIT HOLE—BLUE PLANET

Okay I’m not even going to quote this one but the part where he does meditation and Herbert just uses a shit load of ellipses. Extreme Boomer text message energy. “I’m picking up spice at the store... do you need anything... will be home soon... need to talk to you... bye... :))”

“The animal destroys and does not produce” No?? Animals constantly replenish the land when left to in their native environments?? For a book about ecology, this man knows nothing about food webs and sustainability.

“He studied the tallness of her” Herbert just say she is tall. God.

“... He saw the hint of tension in her shoulders as she chose clothing for him...” WHY IS HIS MOTHER DRESSING HIM. HE’S 15.

I am going to imagine Paul has a pair of shoes with little bells on them, and every time he goes somewhere, the words “here comes a special boy here comes a special boy!!” mixes with the sound of the jingling.

Herbert is obsessed with em dashes and ellipses.

“If only she’d borne us a girl as she was ordered to do!” Now-we-don’t-have-time-to-unpack-all-that.jpg BUT ALSO: Paul-should-be-trans Example-1.

“One gestalten flicker” whole book gonna be like this, huh

“Hair: the Duke’s black-black” Paul Atreides has Vanta Black Hair. Harkonnen House Is Banned From Purchasing Vanta Black Pigment

“...With the browline of the maternal grandfather who cannot be named...” Vold... Voldemort??

THE CUBE. “She turned and Paul saw that one side was open—black and oddly frightening. No light penetrated that open blackness.” VANTA BLACK just like Paulie boy’s special hair.

This animal talk shit... humans are animals. The Beliefs and the Philosophies My Dude... simply geriatric.

Paul with his hand in the Cube: “just like Minecraft”

“We seldom administer this to men-children.” Paul-is-trans example 2.

Fist My Box Or Die, Man-Child.

Ok we gonna replace the word fear with the word cum just to get me through this:

“I must not cum. Cumming is the mind-killer. Cumming is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my cum. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the cum has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

“No woman child ever withstood that much [pain].” A-CisHetMan-Wrote-This.jpg Paul’s special boy bells be a jinglin’!!!

My concentrated rage for this book is what powers the box. Also we get into the first titillating bits of ableism text: If you’re human, you can withstand pain and even override it. Get fucked!

“He senses Truth! Could he be the one? Could he truly be the one?” Jingle jingle jingle

Mommy is allowed back to baby boy’s side now that he has passed the Hate and Pain test. As you know women must always be tested for Hate and Pain.

“Thou shalt not make a machine in the likeness of a man’s mind.” Those kids on their damn phones! Ok Boomer.

“You did that on remarkably few clues.” Jingle jingle

“Separating human stock from animal stock—for breeding purposes.” Eugenics! In! Space!

“We look down so many avenues of the past... but only feminine avenues.” “It is said a man will come one day and find in the gift of the drug his inward eye. He will look where we cannot—into both feminine and masculine pasts.” Paul-is-trans example-3 but also, Herbert what the absolute fuck are you talking about.

what are your asoiaf (maybe pre-asoiaf idk) ships? also merci for being in this shit-storm we call a "fandom", you light in darkness

ahh thanks

i had a lot of fun with this.  i’ve deleted more asks than i can count asking me about what ships i don’t like, so getting to squee about what i do and dive down a rabbithole was great!

because i’m a fucking parody of myself, get excited for some layered bullet lists.

Stark 

Canon-era

Ned

Ned x Catelyn

Nedbert 

I like parts of Ned x Ashara, but wouldn’t say I’m #invested in it

Catelyn

Ned x Catelyn

Cat x Jaime was my first crackship and I’ve grown away from it but it holds a fond place in my heart.

Cat x Cersei would be incredible tbh

Cat x Brienne

Robb

Robb x Jeyne

I was big into Robb x Myrcella back in the day.  Less so now, but I’m distantly fond of it.

Throbb (I mean...how can you not love the ship with the name Throbb?  It’s like...perfect...as a ship name....and I hate...ship names....)

Robb x Margaery

I’m also casually into things like Robb x Meera and Robb x one of the Mormonts bc Robb x Northern Ladies is great.

I kind of like Robb x Roslin, but prefer Edmure x Roslin and don’t think the “what if the Red Wedding had never happened” AU is interesting to me at the moment.

Jon

Lately I’ve been super big into Jon x Daenerys (in case ya missed it l o l).

This I find to be hilarious because I think there are definitely receipts to be found somewhere on this website of me going “ew jon/dany is so boring ew” womp wompw omp wopm wopmw

Cackling @ my past self

This also happened with me and SanSan which I find similarly hilarious.

Other than that the main one I have is Jon x Asha (the good ship Crowken) because it’d be most excellent and you know it.  It’s been a while since I wrote it, and they have never interacted so it’s based purely on potential.

Which lends itself well to the mostly unpopulated ship of Jon x Asha x Daenerys, which like...hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah gimme.

Sansa

Hi I’m perpetually in SanSan hell bye  (no, this is not an exagerration)

I also am rowing my little Sansa x Edric rowboat come play it’s great and hits so many of my !!!!!!!!!!s about Sansa’s themework (and also Edric but he’s a smaller character so headcanons abound!)

I wish I shipped Sansa x Brienne more than I do; I salute it from afar tbh, and hope the books will give me more fodder for it.

Sansa x Podrick is heartcluchingly adorable

Sansa x Mya is the lesbian ship that Sansa deserves fight me

I have more emotions than shippy feelings about Sansa and Theon; I think what shippy feels I have come from Theon’s wistfulness more than actively shipping it.

On that note, I also like Sansa x Myrcella a good deal

I’m fond of Sansa x Tyrion tbh and hope they don’t get their marriage anulled in TWOW bc I think that’d be fascinating since everyone assumes it’s gonna happen (including Sansa). I’m down with it as an endgame ship for Sansa t b q h.

Arya

Hello and welcome to my Arya x Gendry tag

I multiship Arya a lot, actually, but AxG hits so many of my personal boners that it’s the big deal in my life and when I find myself in times of trouble, GRRM comes to me, speaking words of wisdom “you can be my forest love and me your forest lass”

I also like Arya x Aegon blame Jo she did this to me

Arya x Myrcella and Arya x Tommen are both wildly underrated ships imo

As is Arya x Shireen

Arya x Hot Pie is something I wasn’t expecting to like but then a few years ago an IRL friend of mine talked about how she goes out, does stuff, and comes home to freshly baked pies and how great that was as a life and I havne’t been able to let go.

Arya x Podrick sure why not

Bran

Bran x Meera = important

Bran x Lyanna Mormont = a big good thing

I respect, even if I don’t ship, Bran x Jojen.  Not so much my thing.  Bran x Meera is where it’s at for me and the Reeds.

Rickon

HI LET DADVOS BREATHE AND MARRY GAY RICKON TO HIS SON STEFFON K BYE.

Pre-series

Elia x Lyanna is v v v important

Arthur x Lyanna is also a good ship

Arya Flint x Rodrik Stark is a great ship too, I keep meaning to write more of them.

Brandon x Barbrey is a hot mess and I love that

Torrhen Stark x Aegon the Conqueror

Targaryen

Daenerys

As mentioned above Jon x Dany is a thing

I’m also into Dany x Tyrion

Peter Dinklage did this to me he’s so gd talented @ fandom please don’t be really gross and ableist when HBO turns this into a love triangle (since they already did).

Ok, let’s be real here, pissing off Tywin Lannister also did this to me though to a lesser extent than Peter Dinklage can you imagine how mad he’d be?  It’d be fantastic.  Fuck that guy so hard.

Dany x Asha also is a good

I’m into Dany x Daario because I like Dany having agency and she chose the actual human peacock so you know what girl I personally wouldn’t go there but I’m glad that you got to choose this particular relationship for yourself.

Everyone Else

As mentioned abouve Arya x Aegon

I crackship Rhaenys x Viserys idk man I just do

Big Into Aegon x Betha

I love Elaena Targaryen and all her love interests but if I had to Pick One it’d be Michael Manwoody

I mostly wish I had a ship for Rhaella.  Maybe Willem Darry??  

Brynden x Shiera is a good ship I have such specific headcanons for them that I did to myself writing a first person modern AU that I keep trying to get people to care about as much as I do.  

God I can’t think of other Targaryens, chances are I ship them lol

Lannister

Tyrion

I like Tyrion x Tysha, but am not sure I ever want them to meet again?  I’m very torn on that front bc both outcomes would mean such different things.

As I said above, I also like both Dany and Sansa as Tyrion ships

I also have a pointless AU in my head that is a Tyrion x Lyanna au, but I’ll never write it bc I don’t have enough of a plot so much as a “wow I’ve liked this for years.”

Cersei

Jaime

Also Cat as a crackship

Also Rhaegar as a “what if”

Jaime

Cersei

Cat as a crackship

I have very torn and mixed feelings about Jaime/Brienne.  It hits a lot of what I like about Brienne, but hits very little of what I care about with Jaime and Saw some Things that Made Me Mad a while back.  And then I read Bea’s thesis about Brienne and got even more confused.  So idk man idk idk idk.  idk.

Baratheon

Robert

Ned is basically the only acceptable ship for Robert tbqh

Though someone wrote a Robert/Cat AU that I liked?

Stannis

Big into Stannis/Asha

And Stannis/Asha/Jon

Also Stannis/Mel

Renly

Loras is it kids.

Gendry

AXG or bust.  I’m a multishipper on Arya’s end but am Not Really on Gendry’s.  Maybe a Heddle sister?  Maybe?  but AXG or Bust TBH.

Shireen

Shireen x Devan is the cutest

I also like Shireen x Edric

And Shireen x Arya

Myrcella

Myrcella x Trystane is adorable

Myrcella x Sansa and Myrcella x Arya are similarly cute

Tommen

I read a Tommen x Arya AU I liked--other than that I don’t have major shippy feels about him.

Other Ships

Alys x Sigorn is a top notch ship

Elia x Arthur is a similarly top notch ship

Missandei x Grey Worm is the best thing to happen on GOT tbh.

I’m at the end of my leash and can’t think of more and this is probably more than you bargained for when you sent this ask isn’t it?

If you’re reading this and you saw me miss something lmk??

Every Single Rupauls Drag Race Queen Ranked from 1 to 100 by David Mason You will notice as thece list goes it runs from HARSH to KIND being that we go from people who are wasting our time and perhaps not living an honest fantasy but trying to be something they FEEL they're SUPPOSED to be and talented artists who capture us as they reveal beautifully honest selves which bloom from their unconscious. The Top 25 are ICONIC GOLD and are identities who hold their own amongst all the queens. They are APEX PREDATORS and each could arguably be made number one depending on each persons values. This is MY list and therefore it reflects my values and needs. 100. Phi Phi O’Hara Shes actually the worst for being a horrible person who cant figure out why shes terrible and thats the worst part. I actually BOOED her in public when I saw her. Is it wrong to not like someone just because they were born??? I think it probably is BUT I dont like Phi-Phi because when they showed her mom her mom was like 26 and I just thought YUCK, unplanned pregnancy is just TACKY and I wouldnt have to deal with you if your mom just had the balls to own her own body and be responsible and kind to the Earth and abort you but apparently the apple doesnt fall far from the (say this in Goldie Hawn from Overboard voice) “short, fat, slut" and you come from a long line of short selfish inconsiderate people. Phi-phi is the best case as to why Planned Parenthood should be next to every McDonalds. 99. Kenya Michaels : Oh god Im disturbed by her. She was like that little doll from Trilogy of terror. I found her strong sexual identity so uncomfortable as it was just too obviously a defense mechanism from being a tiny rapeable person from a third world territory. Thats AWFUL to say but Im sorry its just what I saw. I didnt find it funny or sexy. I found it awful and cringy. Its NOT a reason to not like a person but it is a reason as to why I dont want to see her on my tv bending over and WAGGING HER TWAT at me. I dont want to celebrate her complex attempt at molestation management, Im sorry. Lets hope this is me just projecting. I know this is too much for the SECOND entry but Im just saying what I felt. I wish shed read a book instead of just GOING WITH THE SEX THING. 98. Kandy Ho: What gross name, what a skank not even a good skank like Samantha Fox, just a shitty skank. 97. Phoenix: Who? I really have to speed through this list I have to go to the gym. 96. Madame LaQueer: Id put her at 99 but I feel bad for her. Im a nice person. 95. Alisa Summers: i have no idea who this person is 94. Penny Tration: Oh fuck you for that stupid name. Get the fuck outta here. 93.Vivienne Pinay: Why did she think she was pretty or passable or fishy or WHAT? All I saw was “Hi, Can I get the lunch special? I’ll have tai Iced tea with Rad Prik Chicken and coconut soup. Thank you.” 92. Venus D-Lite: Venus is who I think of when I think of queens that dont matter. I didnt even say that to be mean. She just is. 91. Jaidynn Diore Fierce: ??? oh she was the one I think should be named PEANUT. 90. Naysha Lopez: What plane of consciousness thought this person needed to be seen? 89. Sasha Belle: Awkward entry! Rip off Mugler Chimera dress. HERES A TIP PEOPLE, dont try and copy the most amazing well made dress in the world that cost 300k to make and 900 years of 900 year old Parisian couturiers to make. I PROMISE YOUR VERSION WONT BE AS GOOD. If youre going to copy something also make sure said reference has a TEENSY bit of wiggly room for either styling OR improvement. The Mugler Chimeira dress does NOT. Stop looking at it, you cant have it. 88. Akashia: Maybe the first person to fall on the runway??? I dont know? I dont remember her exactly 87. Rebecca Glasscock: I went shopping with Ru once at Saks and a sales girl came up and said “Rebecca works here now!” Ru went from Cafe au lait to FISHBELLY faster than she could mutter... “Rebecca is here?…....now?” thank god the girl was like “Not today”… Cocoa pallor regenerated, shopping recommenced. Rebecca must have been INSANE. 86. Honey Mahogany: Who and Why and whatever…. 85. Derrick Barry: Nope. 84. Robbie Turner: I wish you were Tina Turner 83.Cynthia Lee Fontaine:The cowboy look was like a THANKSGIVING revelation that GRANPA IS A CROSS DRESSER?!?! 82. Darienne Lake: Dip into the cool water of Darienne Lake was the best thing about her and that was Rus doing so.. BYE and shes from like Rochester or some shit. YUCK mid/western New York is SKANK. 81. Ginger Minj: Just everything I don't appreciate. 80. BeBe Zahara Benet: She won season one and I think the prize was 10k and it shoulda gone to Nina. 79. Bob the Drag Queen: After the extraordinarily beautiful Violet won. The audience of sheep were put off by their inability to relate to her because they just arent as good as her so the next season they wrote the season about having a “peoples princess” win and that why we have SHITTY BOB the person who shouldnt have ever been invited. Whats WORSE and MORE ANNOYING is the LATENT worship of Violet after they realized JUST HOW GOOD SHE WAS ONCE THEY SAW BOB and Im sitting here with my fists clenched screaming YOU IDIOTS THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT?!?!?! Bobs season was the worst. 78. Delta Work: Shes the drag queens drag queen. Shes too bitter for tv though. Same reason as to why Jackie Beat isnt on tv, too sour for tv, but thats ok. There is certainly somethig to have the cache of being the type of queen you have to go out to see. When she botched the comedy challenge I felt for her. I could really relate. She has the comic ability and you could just hear the inner dialogue of self sabotage running in her mind. It sucked. Thats one of my challenges too. 77. Thorgy Thor: Funny smart queen that I like. Tv isnt a format that suits her. 76. Sahara Davenport : A sweet soul. 75. Yara Sofia: Ick… The best example of LEARN TO EDIT. Her styling is THE GOOP SHOW. You know how some people just have BAD VIBES? I just dont want her around me. I dont see her vibes swirling in a direction I wanna head towards. I kinda hate dreads, Id lie and not say it to sound cool but there just unsavory to me. Patchouli.. thats what I smell when I see them in my minds eye.They just make me ask.. Why do you deliberately choose to be kinda not so clean? Its some romantic notion I don't prescribe too. Im not earthy in that way. Im Earthy in a watermelons are fierce kinda way. 74. Kelly Mantle: This person is not Christine Baranski! Why are you telling me youre related to a baseball player like Im supposed to care? 73. Magnolia Crawford: ahahahahahahahahahah... that poor homosexual. He MIGHT be more disliked than phi-phi. THAT NOSE gets points.. it HAD to be a critique on nose contour right?! Does anyone ACTUALLY know her?! I feel like this might be some weird dare that a straight guy did and made it on the show. It was all so WEIRD?! 72. Jade. I really dont remember a damn thing but kinda thought she was a nice person maybe??? errr ummmm I just shrugged my shoulders to myself. 71. Lanaysha Sparks: She was quite lovely and even surprisingly talented on the craft contest but not knowing who Diana Ross is and your a drag queen is SATANISM. Poor bitch is from Puerto Rico, do you now Puerto Rico is twice as poor as the poorest state? That sucks. 70.Laila McQueen: Is this an OSBORNE CHILD?? Had she been on previous seasons she would have faired better. Seemed like a kid Id hire as an intern and could trust. 69. Serena ChaCha Oh my god Serena snook right by me?!?! AHAHAHAHAH Serena! Worst look of ALL TIME. how was SHE an art school student?! I cringed when she said that as Im an art school kiid and was like NO NO NOPE TAKE IT BACK CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! Serena was the victim of QUEEN ON QUEEN GANG BULLYING and what was worse is AMERICA BACKED THE GANG RAPE. It was like that scene in The Dark Crystal when the Skeksi looses the sword challenge and they all tear the clothes of him and banish him! Alyssa WENT IN on her….Coco even got a piece of Serena that day! Serena is lucky to be alive. 68. Jasmine Masters: Im disturbed by my own ability to impersonate Jasmine Masters. Its not THAT GOOD but its better than a 225lb Pollock should be able to do. Her Slinky worm routine makes me GIGGLE. She is ANGRY…...BLACK RAGE which I kinda appreciate in a way. I get it. I have gay rage so why cant she have BLACK RAGE?! 67. Tempest DuJour awww tempest.. We all like Tempest. Kinda funny shes a costume design teacher though no? She gave my husband a shirt and my husband wore it for her all day in Provincetown because my husband is like the sweetest person ever. I mean people were like “TEMPEST DU JOUR?!” they practically SPIT on him and he still wore it and he tagged her in the photo and she didnt even regram lolololol My poor husband, I love him so much. 66. The Princess: I made a comment about the Princess' look being shitty on Instagram once and all her fans went APESHIT. It was the two nastiest messages I ever deleted. 65. Monica Beverly Hillz I shoulda put her farther back. She was not so great. 64. Vivacious: Awwww the old battle axe of drag. I support her endaevor but her looks were so dated. I do however respect her respect for the art so… 63. Lashauwn Beyond: That name is so real. You can say she sucks but you can also say shes the spirit of drag taking you “up" so let her be. 62. Mrs. Kasha Davis: WOAH boy did she sneak by me?! She must have got here EARLY and just WAITED. She sucked so hard you kinda loved her for being honest. Kasha was like your olde gay neighbor whos taste level sucks but you respect her because she went through the AIDS crisis and is still smiling. Not even kidding. 61. BenDeLaCreme: I just did not like her. 60. Pandora Boxx: Oh god Pandora. Did you see that Unicorn video she made… bless this bitch. 59. Shangela Laquifa Wadley: Shangela was just cheap. Shangela is like the same taste level as like Paula Abdul, Mad Tv, Khols, a Sketchers Sneaker… I just never like what she does. I dont need it. Its poor person humor. Just because you say something LOUDLY doesnt make it more funny. ( as I type in CAPS) 58. Roxxxy Andrews: This poor bitch dug a damn hole… You know shes not likeable because she was shadey but she was more talented then anticipated in the creative challeges, and I thought she had nice skin. My husband HATES HER. 57. Kim Chi: One note. Refrigerator being pushed down a runway. I actually dont like her for not having the courage to be out to her parents. Its insulting to the rest of us. Buck up bitch, your mom already knows, shes known since you were 2. The fact you think she doesnt know is INSANE. Your non outness renders any talent moot. 56. Adore Delano: Thanks but Ive been to Hot Topic, NEXT. 55: Acid Betty: I don't remember much about the 00S BUT I STILL REMEMBER THOSE WIGS. 54. Courtney Act: Ok sure, but wheres the interesting part???? Her finale dress that was like rainbow hologram acetate was cool and nobody even mentioned it. 53. Trixie Mattel: I tried so hard to be nice to her in Provincetown and she was a cunt. Why are you a cunt to someone being NICE to you? 52. Coco Montrese : I could say mean shit but I wont. shes worked long and hard and deserves a clap. Shes not even a cunt. shes out of touch but shes from another world. Respect your elders. 51. Dida Ritz: Talk about out of touch. Her weird self loathing “Im a white girl” routine turned me into Jasmine Masters?! Like EWWW NO, learn to love yourself BITCH. We all know she did one of the best lip synchs ever. 50. Stacy Layne Matthews: Wait shes NOT black?!??? She was from BACK SWAMP, that gets TREMENDOUS "SWAMP CRED" She was so fat her hormones were just like "WHATEVER.. theres simply "NOT ENOUGH of us to go around?! WE DONT KNOW WHERE TO GO.. What do you wanna be today??? When was the last time youve seen your genitals because are you SURE youre still a male?? We dont know and could use some DIRECTION?!” and I appreciate that. I like people who are just like IM WHATEVER. Not everyone has to be a male or a female you know. 49. Jade Jolie: Jade is surprisingly the fishiest queen in my opinion. I saw her at the premiere party before her season started and we honestly thought she might be BIOLOGICAL. This holds some cache in an art of trying to be a woman at least SOMEWHAT. She made the unfortunate mistake of becoming Alyssas ENEMY which at the time was ACTUALLY kinda necessary because if you remember when Alyssa first started she was not the Alyssa we know and love and was kinda of a cunt who needed to get CLOCKED. BACK ROLLS has now been mutters a million times by ME ALONE and lets be honest WERE ALL now VERY CONSCIOUS of our back rolls now. I even got COOL SCULPTING and yes it worked. It works if youre like semi normal with a slight love handle or backroll but not if you have a spare tire because then its just like removing a brick from a wall, and no it didnt hurt, but get it done in Florida because procedures are cheaper there. Florida is basically LAWLESS, they also gave me a VITAMIN DRIP as I did it. That is not legal in NYC. Jade had horrible style and made what looked like NAZI MATRIX PORN but dont imagine that in a good sorta Night Porter chic Nazi way. Imagine it as a black vinyl raincoat that that greasy haired kid in high school who wasnt allowed to be a faggot because you already had that role and did it better so he sorta segued into FETISH GOTH would have and now imagine him filming himself masturbating with a NON APPLE iPhone to a Marilyn Mason poster… That was her porn. 48. Sonique: Sonique is responsible for one of the wisest self realizations to ever surface on RPDR to me. After getting the chop she said something along the lines of “Well I guess theres more to life than being better than everyone.” YUP. Stop competing, life isnt a competition. You do you and thats your challenge, forget about everyone elses storyline. 47. Mystique Summers Madison: DANGEROUS PERSON but such good TV. To me it seems Mystique has the kind of tongue that can only tell lies, which is sad because that means she thinks whatever the truth is is so terrible she has to come up with an alternative. Thats unfortunate. That said I dont want her in my home. If she lies to herself and others this means she feels she doesnt have to play by the rules and probably steals. Did I just imagine her a thief? Yes, I did. I imagined her at a party at my house slipping one of my Versace candy dishes in her pocket WITH THE SOUR PATCH KIDS STILL IN IT. 46. Gia Gunn: Gia to me really is the sorta line between the queens you care about and the queens you take the opportunity to go get a drink while they come on stage. I took my two assistants on that Drag Cruise as a present and I cant remember what exactly happened but somebodies sneakers were TEMPORARILY ABDUCTED and Gia was UNNFUCKED and SURLY ABOUT IT. Gia on the show was half gross and half awesome. I feel shed LIKE to be nice but has so much DEFENSIVE ANGER she can't. Its a mistake as shed be much more successful if she got over that. She really feels herself despite having a wonky eye, really short legs, and likening herself to Talapia and aligning herself to TIM GUNN??? Your fashion references are from TV????!… OH GURL… NO!.… I like her though. Shes a talented performer. I feel like Gia is that friend you have thats sorta like a bad dog on leash. You have to be careful with them when around kind people but theyre also helpful because theyre more than eager to be the bad guy if someone is bugging you. We all have that friend and theyre kinda fierce. 45. Mariah. Mariah walked into the room first episode and I thought DAMN shes FIERCE... and then she never looked that good again. If I was just going by tv, which Im 98% going by shed be placed lower BUT I saw her on that drag cruise and her performance was PERFECT. It was CLASSIC DRAG but executed flawlessly and she was nice when we got stuck in the elevator with her. I feel like she thinks she has to be mean or fierce or whatever when shed actually be more well received if she was the person I saw on the cruise who was down to Earth and chill. 44. Milan: Milan is one of the few New York Queens that Ive ACTUALLY SEEN OUT. These other queens im always like NEW YORK? NEW YORK WHERE?!? Im a third generation new Yorker who has lived here 18 years on my own and Ive never seen most of these queens who claim to be from NYC. Milan is nice and a talented performer. I was never into her drag because shes real STAGE oriented and real JULIARD STYLE ( I dunno if she actually went there) and thats just not my interest but she at least TRIED. 43. Dax ExclamationPoint: I feel Dax sorta made a mistake pigeon holing herself as “Queen of the nerds”, as soon as someone claims identity of something on camera queens for some reason HATE IT. I imagine its some kind of projected self loathing as gays are trained to hate themselves. Like how dare YOU assert yourself as something, you CANT do that youre a faggot. I seriously think this is the unconscious voice in 98 percent of gay guys heads and its why so many are self sabotaging or drug addicts and why there is no such thing as a gay gay icon and even kinda why DRAG EXISTS AT ALL. We cant like ourselves because straight society taught us to hate ourselves so we put it all onto a fantastic woman. Dax seems like a nice person who doesnt have that insane person need to “win” and therefore really shouldnt have been on the show as she just got used as sacrifice for hungrier queens. 42. Kennedy Davenport: Wait did I already do Kennedy Davenport because I really didnt like her??? huh I guess I didnt. Well maybe my unconscious mind liked her more than my reptile ego did and she got placed higher than anticipated. How can you hate on a hard working talent who has a retarded sister she has to support?! Jesus christ give the bitch a tip and never do less than a FIVE when tipping queens people A DOLLAR IS THE SAME THING AS A QUARTER! 41. India Ferrah: Oh god I worry saying mean things about India because I dont want to hurt her feelings as worry that she TEETERS ON SANITY but she to me is what drag is WHEN I DONT LIKE DRAG. Her “combat contour” is brutalist to the point of being vulgar. To me her styling concept is PUT EVERYTHING YOU OWN ON NOW BECAUSE MAYBE WE NEED TO RUN OUT THE DOOR AFTERWARD. I mean its the 8 foot braid with a giant bow, and the top hat, and the body stocking, and the thigh high boot, and the breast plate, now a giant necklace to cover the edge of the fake boobs, now put a spider SUCKLING THE TIT of the breastplate, oh wait I have TWO BOOBS and I NEED ANOTHER SPIDER, now add a couple jewels to the eyes of the spider OH WAIT spiders have six eyes so add four more… now what about belts, I only have TWELVE…. 40. Mimi Imfurst: OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! She fucking CAPTURED India ferrah like some kind of MOUNTAIN TROLL?!?!? That was one of the most amazingly insane moments on TV ever! Then when Raven WENT IN on her in All Stars …omg I have that segment saved on my phone and just watch it when I need to feel “myself” again. Mimi on the cruise actually did the best read on the Michelle Visage roast. Shes smart but lets her inner voices get the best of her. We all have inner voices but I feel chubby people are chubby because the voices are louder. Im not even saying it to be a dick but it seems like with people who suffer from body issues LIKE ME the inner voices are so LOUD you can see them reacting to them on their face. Hang around me long enough and you'll totally see this. This is called being a function insane person! 39. Morgan McMichaels: Ahhh the Morgan McMonkey! Did you know shes actually Scottish, like from Scotland? That didnt come off on the show. Ok Morgan to me is interesting because as a person Morgan is just not my kinda person, she even has a SUPERMAN TATTOO and you know how much I hate Superman as to me he is the OPPOSITE OF CREATIVITY and a HERO TO SHEEP but that does NOT discount her talents. Ive seen her perform live and shes VERY good. Do I want to hang with her NO, is she a solid talent YES. I met her once and she tried to tell me she doesnt eat pork because PIGS DONT HAVE KIDNEYS. She said this while chain smoking cigarettes and drinking heavily… hmmmm. I dont even know how to organize the judgements I have. All this said I feel if Morgan was your friend you could trust her and shed definitely not be afraid of taking a hit to defend you. 38. April Carrion: She is the best example of being chopped too soon. Shes very talented and pretty and makes her own looks and I respect her abilities. She had more to offer as Ive seen other looks of hers and they were good. Too much of a shrinking violet to survive a comepetition. Shes quite lovely Im surprised she hasnt got some rich old benefactor. 37. Nicole Paige Brooks Oh my fuckin god Nicole Paige Brooks?!?!? Nicole is so important as she is SO MANY THINGS. Nicole is the ESSENCE OF REGIONAL TALENT. She is THE small town coke head faggot drag queen WE ALL KNOW. My mom would have had her on PROBATION. The spirit that has possessed Nicoles body is an ancient spirit which haunts every rural gay bar! Remember how she had the hots for Raven and also had FRECH TIP TOENAILS?!…That BODY built EXCLUSIVELY by COCAINE. Ugh.. Ive never even seen Nicole but I know her sooo well. Nicole has that IVE BEEN TO PRISON and ALSO HAVE CHILDREN and ALSO HAVE A CLOSETED BLACK BOYFRIEND vibe that is SO PURE. Nicole is the queen who marches in the regional gay pride parade wearing flat sandals and a bikini and ACCEPTS TIPS while she does it! Nicole might also work at BEST BUY when “O.D” (out of drag). and when in drag theres also the worry that she might ACTUALLY O.D. Nicole is important. 36. Carmen Carrera: Ok Carmen is from Jersey where its NOT EASY to be a gay soul. Carmen once tried to tell me its ok that straight guys call you a faggot there because its not an isult its just what you are… EEEESSSSHKKK That is some HARDCORE Stockholm Syndrome. I could say more but its none of my damn business. Im not crazy about Carmen because I think shes made some choices based on where shes from but thats none of my damn business so I’ll shut the fuck up. To me Carmen is an example of an unfortunate situation. Ive had to deal with those hardened Jersey boys as a kid and as a tender gay boy its NOT A NICE THING and it would have been easier for me if I was just a girl too. Yes shes pretty, I wish her happiness. If I was raised where she was maybe I would have killed myself. In a way she sorta did I guess but also rebirthed herself.. maybe I need to give her more credit. Im going to add this. Most of us have to deal with being a "faggot" in a straight world and deal with it however we choose. I for example fetishisize it as for me its a safe place thats at least exciting as its FIERCE to have your hot husband call you a faggot as he bangs your puss hole out. At least that way youre dealing with the anxiety in a safe place and its HOT its also a lot easier than getting a sex change, pretending it never happened, and siding with your abusers in an effort to make the best of a bad situation. Maybe Ive made the wrong choice, see instead of siding with them and changing my sex I went punk and just write horrible things about them on St Patricks day and work out a lot so I can intimidate them on the street. SIDENOTE I have NEVER had someone make an anti gay comment to me when they're by themselves, have you ever noticed that? The comments are only made when youre out numbered... fuckin pussies. 35. Jiggly Caliente: Jiggly is real. 34. Victoria "Porkchop” Parker: Porkchop must be worshipped as she was sacrificed for all our sins. 32. Ivy Winters: Nobody ever put it together that Ivy Winters looks almost identical to Grace Jones AND Jean Kasem. That is POWERFUL MAGIC. Too bad she didnt know it either because if she channeled that spirit she could have won this thing so damn easy. 31. Pearl: 31. Tatiana: The day Tati steps away from low brow nineties references and learns to kick is the day Tati advances much farther. She NEVER uses her legs and her legs are AMAZING?! I wish she woulda had the self confidence to get tougher on Raven when Raven attacked her on her season because it was so clear that Raven was operating out of total jealousy being both have great beauty but for Tati it was effortless and for Raven its four hours of incredibly skilled painting. Tati was too green to have that wisdom. If she had it…ooooohhhhh it woulda been FUHEEEEIRCE! 30. Laganja Estranja: Oh god… I dont have the mental capacity at this point to go into the psyche of Laganja…Laganja is so important. Laganja is the litmus for bad faggotry because shes ACTUALLY TALENTED, shes got an amazing body, but OH GOD shes a nightmare. You can tell her parents felt guilty and coddled and spoiled their baby gay into a place where the only way she now knows how to operate is to be a needy indulged victim. Her comedy routine with the old people was a SURREALIST MASTER PIECE. Get off drugs laganja, they dont make you cool and needing the crutch of a vice does not a personality make. 29: Jinkx Monsoon: Does anyone else remember how bad she was at the beginning of her season??? She got the ONLY edit and they spun her into a storyline where theres was no way she could loose. Ive seen this storyline somewhere and it was called PRETTY IN PINK. They basically realized she both Molly Ringwalds character AND the Ducky character at the same time and spun a storyline for her to win because they hadnt a queen like her yet. She is talented, not my kinda talent but whatevs, to me shes the MACARONI ART of drag. She woulda been my friend first year of art school but then you have to change schools because you find out she has a crush thats a touch much on you and its weird because you thought you were just good friends. 28. Tyra Sanchez: In person I think Tyra might be the most beautiful of all the queens actually. You won't believe this but its true, she's a stunner. Too bad she just wants to be the best Beyonce, and not the best Tyra. Tyra, you be TYRA because Trinity K already does a waaaaaaaaay better Beyonce to be honest and youre actually so good on your own if you just owned YOURSELF youd be extraordinary. Its a shame she doesnt have the insight or desire to be HERSELF. Isnt that INSANE??? Its why nobody likes her, because SHE doesnt like her?! 27. Alexis Mateo: When you read her name do you also read it with a lisp? I do! Alexis is a sweet person whom I really appreciate and is also a victim of the pageant system. Pageant girls suffer from not fully grasping why the pageant system is bad. Ladies, we dont think YOU are bad, we think youre victims of a horrible oppressive system that wishes to put women into a structure of something like a DOG show. THIS IS DEGRADING NOT ONLY TO YOU BUT TO ALL FEMALES. It attempts to organize the female sex into ONE SINGULAR IDEAL based on the values of MEN and thats FUCKED UP. To organize females into ONE SINGULAR IDEAL is HORRIBLE and ROTTEN. It DEVALUES any ability that men might see as something THEY have to deal with and DENIES ABILITIES and STRENGTH to women creating an oppressive structure for females to operate in. Its GROSS, dont buy into it, its not cool! 26. Shannel: I know you dont agree but Shannel is important. Shannel wears VON DUTCH HATS. Shannels best friend is the WHISPERING FACE in the mirror that tells her to believe insane things. Shannel has THE BEST EYES of all contestants. Shannel belongs to a mentally ill race of people known as SHOW FOLK. Shannel thought JUGGLING while walking down the runway would be IMPRESSIVE. Shannel paid FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS for that garment and Shannel paid TOO MUCH. Shannel WAS NOT ELIMINATED... SHE CHOSE TO LEAVE!….. Shannel is important. OK the TOP TWENTY FIVE IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. These are the APEX PREDATORS!!! Have you noticed as the list has gone on the comments have gone from VENOMOUS and PUNISHING to RESPECTFUL ACCOLADE and thats because as the list goes the talent increases and Im grateful that these people are inspiring, not wasting my time, and are championing values that need to be championed! When I typed this I just got so excited I moved my ENTIRE BODY on top of my little clear desk chair and Im sitting here typing like a GARGOYLE! Every single one of these queens are a WINNER and I mean that. Im not just saying this shit, each one of these queens is a SOLID ARCHETYPE and depending on your own values you could place most of them in the top five and have a SOLID ARGUMENT. This list however is MY opinion and MY VALUES so this is much more about ME than THEM of course. Honestly every single queen on this entire list is a talent and deserves respect for making the effort!... yes even Phi-phi. To be in the top twenty five however means you can STAND YOUR GROUND AND OWN YOUR OWN CROWN. Remember this is MY list. Youll understand reading this list I value creativity and HEIGHT more than anything. Being fishy doesnt count for much to me and if youre dumb and dishonest it aint gonna work out…. Here are THE MOST IMPORTANT QUEENS OF RUPAULS DRAG RACE!!! 25. Jessica Wild: AHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAH How the FUCK did Jessica Wild make the top list?! FUCK YES MISS JESSICA you MADE IT!! Ahahah this is WONDERFUl. I secretly admit I LOVE Jessica. Ill go so far to say shes almost like a KINDER EN ESPAñOL version of Alyssa! Jessica live is FUN and shes VERY KIND. I met her and she was a doll. Jessica is GOOD VIBES. I can totally hang with Jessy. Is she creative? NOPE. Is she Edgy? NOPE. Is she fierce… actually she kinda is???!. Shes a good person who you can tell HONESTLY LOVES DRAG and has fun doing it and THAT is why she made top 25! Shes a pure soul who enjoys what she does and that its the SPIRIT and HONESTY rarely found on EARTH! 24. Max: Max CLEARLY is really into Kristen Mcnemany. Max served us upper middle class white privilege. She was NOT bound by the oppressive low class moral standards of gender and sexuality! Max allowed herself to be flat chested and have GREY hair and this says IM WEALTHY AND EDUCATED ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE TO PLAY BY A MANS RULES AND BE A BIMBO YOU POOR PEOPLE?! Max was well read and Max is probably the most well travelled person in the semi mid west sorta shitty small to medium sized city in which I imagine she is from NEXT TO HER SISTER that was in THE PEACE CORPS (I imagine). I bet Max went to a college that was previously ONLY FOR GIRLS. Off the show Max really gave some fantastic editorial moments. I appreciated Max, she was refreshing. 23. Naomi Smalls: The Praying Mantis of drag! Naomis skeleton is the best of all the girls and thats why shes here. TALL and THIN is SO IMPORTANT. She actually was a nice person and very creative too. I don't like how people discounted her, she was far more creative than most of these people. 22. Milk: Milk is kinda like Max but not as annoying as a person and more “boy aware". Like I imagine sitting on train with Max might be tedious as her affectations are what got her chopped, and Milk though shes a touch WASPY for my tastes is actually cool and smart and you could share and laugh with her. Milk was MY club name in the 90s so thats interesting as were both tall white people I guess that name just gets handed to you. Milk is sorta the Sandra Bernhardt of RPDR to me but maybe its just the STRONG NOSE. I liked Milks Pinnochio A LOT but if I remember correctly she used the same wig or a pair of shoes a few times and that DOES get a deduction. She was REAL "I have a mom who went to college and shes tall and for my birthday she bought me an AFGHAN (the dog)." . SMART WHITE PEOPLE LIFE… basically everyone I went to college with. 21. Joslyn Fox: Jossy Fox is not trying to be anything she isnt and that is her refreshing appeal. Jossy shops at Tj Maxx and has lunch at Panera because she used to work there and still gets a discount because her fag hag never left despite making a lot of lateral moves that took her nowhere. If I had kids Id hire Jossy to babysit them. Jossy asked to have my husband visit her at her dining table on the drag cruise, BUT NOT ME. 20. Willam: I really should have put Willam at a higher ranking place simply because shes a class act and one of the only queens whos never asked for a discount and buys my clothes. She is the one queen who decided to play by her own rules which sorta bit her in the ass ALMOST, but shes also one of the only queens who has her own career outside of RPDR. I like Willam, shes distant and calculating, but so am I. 19. Ongina: Ongina is important because shes the first one to show that to be successful on the show its not about your elaborately constructed artifice that you might THINK is what makes people like you, but about the REAL YOU you fear to show others that is what makes people like you and this TEENY BEING had the balls to do it. Ongina is all about the live performance as shes a total charmer. She can dance in the palm of your hand and sleeps in a walnut shell at night. Her charm is her human connection that you dont get from most performers and you can't really get from TV. 18. Manila Luzon: Manilla gives the best costumes in drag styling. Her puppet faces are great, but ONE TIME USE, so shes a little for the kiddies and straight people who only see her once and dont follow drag so thats why she isnt higher for me. Remember if youre top 25 youre iconic! Im just organizing MY VALUES here so its not about these queens abilities but more about MY PERSONAL AGENDA and how I would ORGANIZE WORLD VALUES should I be given the chance…. (echoing Skeletor laugh) 17. Latrice Royale: Latrice is the spirit of America. If you dont like Latrice YOU ARE ISIS. Watch her performance at the season finale where Violet wins, its sooo darn good. Id love to put her farther up but I cant because she only wears THE SAME PAIR OF SHOES with every look. Lady… lay out some coins stop “living poor”. The moment you spend the dough to move yourself forward YOU ACTUALLY MOVE FORWARD. Stop living in a world where you cant afford shoes, break out of that mindset where youre worried to spend a little cash because you might not have it. LIVE RICHLY…YOU CAN AFFORD SHOES. That said remember CREDIT IS NOT CASH BITCH, do NOT use a credit card pretend you have the fantasy of the security of wealth, but I KNOW you at least have 49.99 for a plus size pair of PLEASERS! 16. Katya. The first time I saw Katya I thought TOTAL FORMER COKE HEAD... and I was right. Thats not a read its just the vibes. I think shes very smart and funny and her finale “read ya” was the best of al of them BUT she got a TOTAL SWEETHEART EDIT BECAUSE ALASKA WAS SLAUGHTERING EVERYONE so they needed to make it seem at least a LITTLE like a competition (though detox was like on another level) but I REALLY dont like that FORCED self deprecation and FAKE NICE LAUGH she gives people ESPECIALLY Trixie.. Stop GIFTING her that reaction, we all see right through it! It comes off like less of a laugh and more of an APOLOGY for existing and you dont need to do it youre fierce, just stop. Before you get too big a head though I have to be a good person and let you know your finale look on All Stars was the THIRD worst look ever to go down the runway behind Serena and Cynthia. Don't believe me???.. check out the hemline. 15 Jujubee: Out of all the queens I think if I had to spend an extended period of time with them Id choose Juju. Shes smart and funny and hopefully that would give me the opportunity to teach her about STYLING because she needs some help. Damn your looks are CHEAP woman. They sell Vogue at the GROCERY STORE!? Im not even asking for the far superior Italian Vogue, Im just saying SHITTY COMMERCIAL GROCERY STORE FASHION MAGAZINE VOGUE. Pick it up and then look at your clothes and figure out the difference. I actually think Juju might be the funniest queen even over Bianca. Shes certainly one of the smartest, and dont forget her library reading was really good. 14. Trinity K. Bonet: I imagine youre suprised at Trinity ranking so high up. Trinity is something I respect.. QUIET CONFIDENCE. Trinity was too damn well mannered to get as far as she should have in the competition and the reason why is Trinity K is the personality type I really respect who is someone who is QUIET and TALENTED. She lets her talents do the talking and unfortunately for good tv you cant just sit there and wait to slay on the runway, you have to have provide soundbytes and dramtic facial gestures for gifs etc. Trinity respectfully minded her own damn business and let her abilities do the talking and I REALLY like that. I went on that nightmarish drag cruise and hands down the best performance was Trinity it was about a ten minute Beyonce number and it was BETTER than Beyonce. It was FANTASTIC and im not even a Beyonce fan. I also think shes very beautiful and has a total Angela Basset quality to her which Im charmed by. Trinity was well mannered and polite and I kinda wanted to be her friend because someone like that benefits from someone like me who isnt afraid to maybe NOT be so polite should the rare occasion call for it. I guess Bianca kinda saw that too. I kinda think for some weird reason Im sweet on her because Tina Turner was my first concert at 8 years old, which I won the tickets to answering Tina Turner Triva on the radio, and that remeinds me of my mom who I went to the concert with and so therefor I want to protect this “good woman”. 13. Nina Flowers: Speaking of good women the next is Nina Flowers. I have NEVER heard ONE person say ONE bad thing about Nina and the multiple times Ive met her she is KIND AND LOVELY. Nina endured that entire CONFLAMA of SEASON 1 and DIDNT EVEN GET THE PALTRY 10k she deserved?! THEN Nina got CURSED with being paired with RAVING MAD WOMAN TAMMIE BROWN and ROLLED WITH IT without complaint. In fact if you watch All Stars 1 instead of complaining Nina handles her like a loving mother who has a RETARDED CHILD who YELLS A LOT. Speaking of YELLING RETARDED PEOPLE one time my husband and I were in Miami and we bought BAD PILLS (is there any other kind in Miami) and were TWACKED OUT ASSHOLES and ran into her and we COULD NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP and she was SO TOLERANT, AND SO NICE, AND SO UNBOTHERED that we almost wondered if we PASSED FOR SANE. Looking back WE DID NOT, Nina was just really nice. Nina is also a great Dj who really gets that CUNT FACTOR and makes for a great night out. 12 Miss Fame: Drag being an art form that relies so heavily on the magic of transformation being the best make up artist of all the queens certainly gets you TOP THREE placement. Too bad Miss Fame is the SECOND BEST MAKE UP ARTIST of Rupauls drag race. If this was a BIOLOGICAL female make-up challenge Fame would be the best, but DRAG MAKE UP is a VERY different art form. Fame had fantastic looks and a greatly appreciate her. I just wish the brains matched the visuals because theyre SO sharp. She really is the Linda of RPDR. Linda was my SECOND choice of the Supermodels, my first was Nadja so you can see where Im coming from. To me alien proportions and snowgress fantasies trump “classic fashion perfection”. 11. Chi Chi DeVayne : Chi Chi Devayne is THE SPIRIT OF DRAG. Chi chi is POOR AS FUCK and still managed to teach herself how to do BACKFLIPS IN HEELS. THERE IS NO REASON FOR ALL OF US NOT TO BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME BUT WE CANNOT! She is THE DRAG ASSASSIN. I respect her SO much. Imagine if she was given the same opportunities any of us in the North East of the United States were given?! When I was a little kid I wasnt rich either but I feel in North Eastern America you can receive a great education and you dont have to be wealthy at all. A good education is just kind of built into the psyche just like our PURITANICAL JUDGEMENT. I mean as a kid I grew up in a tiny single parent home next to a pond and it certainly wasnt GLAMOROUS but if I felt like it my 8 year old self could wander over to the neighbors house which was basically THE ADDAMS FAMILY MANSION to me which belonged to the professor who established the local community college and Id just sit there in his living room while he and his wife watched JULIA CHILD Id point at the random objects hed collected from around the world and ask “Whats that?!” and hed reply “That is a TURKISH BULLWHIP!” FIERCE?! ..with that information alone not only did I learn of exotic locations I never heard of I knew I TOO wanted to go there AND had the ability too. Something tells me being from Louisianna Chi Chi didnt have the opportunity to learn how to cook LONDON BROIL (I still remember Julia saying “Ooh this roast is SPITTING at me) while sitting in the dark at a baby grand piano while a Grandfather clock gonged in the background like these people did. It would be VERY EASY to be an angry bitter person coming from her situation and instead Chi Chi took it upon herself to excel to the best of her abilities and BOY HAS SHE. I feel Chi Chi was THE BEST when it came to Lipsynch for your life. All she needs is 12 months, a handful of those McDonalds gift certificates you got at Halloween, a stack of VHS tapes of STYLE with ELSA KLENSCH, 6 National Geographic magazines, and everyone dies. Chi Chi is FIERCE. 10 Chad Michaels: Being the number one Cher impersonator in the world gets you top ten placement forever. Its not debatable its DRAG LAW. 9.Tammie Brown: Tammie Brown is an UNCONTROLLABLE FORCE OF NATURE. Tammy is the SWIRLING POWER OF CHAOS. GRAVITY DECIDES TO LEAVE WHEN TAMMIE IS AROUND! Tammies superpower is that she holds no power unto her own but EVERYONE ELSES POWERS ARE RENDERED USELESS WHEN SHE WALKS IN THE ROOM. NO QUEEN has any power over Tammie and for THAT ALONE she gets top ten placement. Have you ever seen those crazy cat videos of cats reacting to people who throw a cucumber on the ground? If you havent, check them out, but in a nut shell cats are for some reason TOTALLY FREAKED OUT by a cucumber sitting on the ground. They go from acting relatively sane to COMPLETELY BIZARRE at the toss of a cucumber... well TAMMY IS THAT CUCUMBER. 8. Bianca Del Rio: Bianca is a hard working professional and a talent and Im glad we have her on “our” side as I cant think of any straight comedian who could beat her in a "read off". She doesnt particularly check any of my boxes as what she is Im not super into but you cant deny her abilities. Shes the sharpest tack. My friend Bradford hired her for a dinner and it was fine and fun and all and as she was walking out the door my NUMB NUT husband brings up “but what about the movie youre making?” this of course lead her to go on about how shes raising money etc so then BRADFORD THE ASSHOLE makes everyone say how much theyre going to donate to her film putting me on the spot to donate 500 dollars to the fucking crappy movie?! It was well shot but UGH LADY wheres the funny? I paid FIVE HUNDRED GOD DAMN DOLLARS FOR THAT MOVIE?!?! FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS….. FUCK.... thats TWO tickets to see CHER?!?!?!? 7.Sharon Needles: When Sharon first came out I BOUGHT IT, literally, I bought the t shirt which was secrelty packed as a GLITTER BOMB.. FUCKING CUNT…She really gave us hope and spoke to so many and was a creative and funny star. Shes a great talent who has done some amazing looks. Unfortunately shes become super sour and nasty and nobody wants to work with her and former fans are made uncomfortable to be around her. Sharon Needles is THE BEST DRAG QUEEN nobody wants to be around. 6. Violet Chachki: Im pretty sure Violet was trained by a SITH LORD or something. Shes CURIOUSLY YOUNG to be so professional and SO on point and just soooo good. God I hated the idiot RPDR fan base who talked shit about her simply because they couldnt relate to her because she was confident in her abilities. A wolf does NOT consult the sheep as to what to have for dinner!?! Im sorry but thats NOT something to make apologies for and its CERTAINLY not something you need to change. Nobody should have to dumb themselves down for the masses and Violet has not. She consistently DOMINATES THEM with her BITCH GODDESS self and Im SOOOO THANKFUL FOR THAT. This icy goddess holds the title for the number one AND number two AND number three best gowns on RPDR history. Dont go against Violet you WILL loose. 5. Alaska: Alaska broke all the rules by being HER OWN CREATURE. You cant pin down Alaska as one specific thing. Shes is an entity unto her own and that is so important to recognize. Shes also maybe the smartest queen of all of them. Her drag is a critique of drag itself which makes her a more evolved creature compared to “lesser” queens. Like all these top five shes really carved out PERSONALITY in her drag persona. Shes maybe made me laugh more than any other queen.The only “negative” I can think of is I dont like her interest in nails, seems like something India Ferra would be into. Its sorta weird that she named herself Alaska when the biggest gay icon in Spain and many other Spanish speaking nations is Alaska but shes from Pittsburg, not Madrid. 4. Alyssa Edwards: Oh fuck is Alyssa Edwards important! The DON KNOTSS of Drag Alyssa is sorta just like Texas from which she hails… BIG AND WEIRD THINKING AND despite being the essence of AMERICA its also ITS OWN ENTITY and by its own design is flawless and also VERY FLAWED! Remember when ALyssa first started and she was mean and people did not like her?! This is important to recognize because Alyssa HOOKED US with a very special chemistry of herself as a real person and this SWIRLY KOOKOO TOWN that her psyche exists in where shes the MAYOR, THE RICHEST LADY, THE NOSEY NEIGHBOR, AND THE BEAUTY QUEEN! Shes all those things and we get to see them all exist in every gesture. The gif of her negotiating a sip on an extra long straw was just as responsible for us falling in love with her as was her UNSELFAWARNESS (is that a word?) upon the HARD REVEAL of her BACKROLLS. Those lips and eyes are insanely MAGNETIC but all of it would be only half as magnetic if we didnt know what a LOOSEY GOOSEY she is?! You KNOW that Alyssa PERFORMS FOR NOBODY when shes by herself…. OFTEN. Alyssa I think is the only queen Ive ever hired and she got out of a cab by herself in FULL DRAG wearing like a TEDDY and a SHEER DRESSING GOWN and walked down the street in broad daylight asking my assistant if the MEXICAN RESTAURANT ON THE CORNER was where she was PERFORMING?!?! Alyssas personal styling is: “Dress, not particularly expensive shoe, AND PIECE OF THING ON HER HEAD- but NOT a complete thing on her head just a PART of something on her head! Its the VAGUE ALLUSION that this is part of MAYBE SOMETHING GREATER, or maybe shes been to SPAIN, or maybe she shoplifts at CLAIRES BOUTIQUE?! Alyssa is an America treasure! 3. Raven: Raven is JEALOUS BEAUTY. RAVEN IS EVERY FIERCE VILLAINESS THAT EVER EXISTED. Raven VERY EASILY could be my number one BUT IM LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF and Im not going to SIT HERE and WAIT to be loved by someone I adore as they DENY MY EXISTENCE simply because THEY THEMSELVES are incapable of being loved. I already DID THAT SHOW its called ME AND MY DAD and thanks but over a lifetime as a child I sat there on the couch waiting for him to show up, which he often DID NOT, as I hoped that MAGICALLY ONE DAY this person you adore is suddenly going to take interest in you. GUESS WHAT… IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN!!! I might love Raven but RAVEN CANT LOVE BACK and instead of being MAD (like I was for a lifetime with my own dad) Im going to recognize that I dont hate this person at all, in fact this VILLAIN is a HERO to me and though I wish theyd be capable of liking me back theyre NOT and THATS OK. Im not the bad guy for that, and neither is Raven, and neither is my dad. Its something they cant do and MAYBE someday they will and if so THATS GREAT but until then Im gonna love myself and put interest in people who reciprocate my feelings.This all may sound like I had some kind of ACTUAL relationsship with Raven WHICH I HAVE NOT but Ravens entire DRAG CONCEPT HER VERY DRAG BEING is that story line to me. The even more twisted part is we love Raven BECAUSE shes cruel?!?! I think shes TREMENDOUS! Raven is THE EVIL QUEEN from Snow White, shes Alexis from Dynasty, shes Katra from She-ra. Raven IS jealous beauty. Raven is a cruel and powerful goddess and I LIVE for her. We have tried SO MANY times to hire her and it falls on dead ears. Shes cannot be bothered. She needs to GET BOTHERED because the reason why shes not an All Star is because she cant be. I mean I think its really because shes had a couple DUIs and theres no way a liquor company was gonna give 100k to a person who has 2 DUIS but you know what I mean.... Raven is also THE BEST DRAG MAKEUP ARTIST. All these future queens stand on Ravens trompe l’oeil bone structure. Ravens one word comments on fashion photo Ruview make me HOWL. Ravens astute observations are as sharp as her nose contour. Raven has the teeniest room for evolution spiritually I think JUST A TEENY BIT, like DONT CHANGE, but MAYBE get a LITTLE kind and Raven will be my number one and OH GOD I want her to be number one SO BAD. 2. Raja. Ok, now Im back to sitting on my tiny clear desk chair like a Gargoyle because its THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUEENS?!!?!? VERY SIMPLY without Raja Rupauls Drag Race would be MEXICAN TELEVISION! The show would be an FAR less elevated and be a GOOPEY SUNDAE of WIGS AND BOOBS AND WELL WORN DRESSES THAT SMELL LIKE B.O and ANGEL! Raja brings in references that lift the entire competition UP. Alyssa is Cosmopolitan but Raja is ITALIAN VOGUE AND NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. Shes still the best runway walker of all the queens which is like MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING. In her single season she gave us gold robot, amazon tribes person, Marie Antoinette, and when she walked in first episode it was the most obvious time someone was CLEARLY the winner from MINUTE ONE. Raja is the PUBLIC TELEVISION OF DRAG RACE! A FUNDAMENTAL NECESSITY to the CLASS LEVEL of Rupauls Drag Race and without her the floor would drop out. LETS IMAGINE AN AFRICAN WATERING HOLE with baboons squeeling, zebras making their weirdo sounds that you would never expect to come from a horse, hippos eating, hyenas laughing and all of a sudden the GIRAFFE enters the scene and everyone SHUTS UP AND STARES… Well RAJA IS THAT GIRAFFE... and yes Shangela and Yarra Sofia are the babbons. We need LESS BABOONS and MORE GIRAFFES. If I HAD to make a negative critque Id say Id just like to see LESS POT and WINE references on her facebook page because when I read that I think she might be mildly depressed and I dont want that from this creative talent whom I adore! 1. Detox. DETOX IS CHARISMA. Detox IS the MUGLER woman. Thierry Mugler is what saved me in college. Mugler is clearly what has saved Detox as well. The first time I saw Thierry Muglers work was at a newsstand in VALENCIA CALIFORNIA at CalArts and his robot suit was on the cover of STERN magazine and I grabbed it, and some suburban TWAT MOM shot me side eye because the robot suit shows nipple and of course she disapproved that because she was JUDGEY UNTRAVELED TRASH. I looked inside at his work and I thought I WANT TO BE WHERE THESE PEOPLE EXIST?!?!? I actually brought the magazine to my mentor and said "I NEED TO BE HERE." Well Detox takes me to that place! I can relate to Detox. Were really similar in many ways, both of us have tried to manefest that Mugler construct as best as possible and through ANY means necessary. If Raven is the Evil Queen from Disneys Snow White, Detox is Maleficent! Both are SO MAJOR how do you pick?! Well I will tell you how! Remember how in my Raven rant I was saying I was going to learn to love myself well putting Detox first is learning to love myself! Why?! Because Detox is the EVIL QUEEN who MAKES GOOD. When Alvaro offered to pay both Detox and Raven to send me a little happy 40th birthday message Raven didnt respond, and DETOX DID and REFUSED TO TAKE MONEY. You know when Skeletor feels the spirit of Christmas in the Heman Christmas special?? Well SKELETOR DETOX. Shes the VILLAIN we all love with A HEART thats open to be loved. Detox is the DAD WHO SHOWS UP. Detox takes great measures to embody the values that mean so much to me. Its actually HARD to be this GOOD. She is SOFT AS NAILS but you still wanna FUCK HER?! She had TREMENDOUS sex appeal without being soft, amazing style without being trend driven, and shes a bitch goddess without being bitter. Detox is number one, Detox is the good mommy.

Congrats on 900! if u r still doing the ask game can i request The Pacific (blurb) + BoB! face tag is /tagged/my-face + about page is /about INFJ, passionate abt journalism + truth. idealistic but realistic. compassionate but wont take any shit. i h8 disingenuous situations. integrity is v important to me. in a constant battle between my anxiety + doing what i think is right. v serious but i have a dry humor + swear like a sailor. have an adventurous spirit. just want to make a difference. thx!

NO MORE ASK GAME REQUESTS PLSNTHNX.

IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. ???? RIP IN PIECES. I have so much going on I swear aeoghajdfjgr. Anyway. Thanks for the ask, you got it!

The Character I See You As: Joe Toye! I love this kid so much. I’ve read a lot about him, about how he could be super serious and dry-humored and even scary sometimes, but how he also was very protective of his boys and the replacements. I feel like someone wrote in a book that one of the guys was being threatened and Toye literally picked up the dude doing the threatening and was like “never do that again” and juST SET HIM BACK DOWN and made sure the other guy was ok. Also, again, someone talked about how he was insecure about how he never graduated high school because he knew he was smart, but he was limited by his lack of education and HNNG JOE TOYE. SO PURE.

Your Three Best Friends: Bull Randleman, Carwood Lipton, Bill Guarnere

The One You Don’t Get Along With: Sobel. I avoided putting him as anyone’s just because it’s way too easy, but honestly I feel like he (and Dike) represent a real issue for INFJs–authority they can’t respect. And it’s not that you won’t respect them anyway, but rather it’s the helplessness of knowing that for duty’s sake you must respect them, but also knowing they’re a fucking idiot and you could do better given the chance. Like honestly it’s the worst of the worst and especially difficult for INFJs, who end up feeling strained and frustrated and bogged down by ineffective direction like Sobel, etc.

Who I Ship You With: Carwood Lipton! Gentle, patient, sweet, super smart, good under pressure, I literally almost can’t think of anyone better. Like fire and ice, tbh. Lip would be there while you rant about something, whether it be about justice, your anxiety, someone annoying you, etc. He’s the gentle voice of reason, trying to steer you in the right direction while also listening to you complain about what you need to in order to move on.

Wildcard: Staff Sergeant. 3rd Platoon. Easy Company.

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The Character I See You As: Bob Leckie/Hoosier Smith! ARE YOU LECKIE? ARE YOU HOOSIER? Journalism, idealistic but realistic, adventurous, serious, but super dry sense of humor. Anxious but still does what’s right even tho he’s internally screaming 24/7?? This is Leckie and Hoosier at the same time I feel like. This is also you I SWEAR. I mean I think in the show Leckie might get a little dramatic compared to you (though who am I to say?), whereas Hoosier has the overall salt but the COMPOSURE. But of course Leckie has the balanceof the idealism/realism and the love of journalism and adventure (whereas Hoosier just wants to sleep tbh and be left alone).

Your Three Best Friends: R.V. Burgin, Eugene Sledge, Ack-Ack Haldane

The One You Don’t Get Along With: EVERYONE. Just kidding. Just people who STEAL YOUR SHIT (looking at u larkin god). Disingenuous people, I know that goes without saying (you even said that), but yeah. Maybe Snafu since he’s a little off his rocker and almost nothing like you. 

Who I Ship You With: Chuckler Jeurgens. If this ain’t the realest….- Chuckler and Leckie are like mom and dad. So it would basically be the same for you two. Chuckler has a good sense of humor, is incredibly patient with everyone (despite the circumstances), always finds a reason to smile and goof around and boost morale. Whenever you’re anxious or despairing, all you have to do is crawl over to his bunk and lean your head against his bed and he’ll talk you out of it, talk to you about real world stuff, debate with you, anything to get your mind off things. He’s so pure….. I JUST.

Wildcard: Private. 1st Marine Regiment. Radioman.

Lil Blurb: You woke up in the aid station after Peleliu in a fit of sweat, cursing up a storm at the sudden chill. You realized you’d thrown off your blanket and sheets in the nightmare you assume you must have been having and reluctantly crawl out of bed, groaning as pain shoots up your spine like lightning. A mortar hit right behind you, sending you flying to the ground. That was one of the last things you vividly could recall before that that very moment, struggling to drag your blankets back into bed with you. Without another thought you crawl back into the cot, rolling onto your stomach, lulled into slumber once again.

The next time you’re awoken, the nurse is telling you that you’re being transferred to go home. You don’t know how long or how hard you’ve been sleeping. You’re groggy, muttering a few obscenities under your breath as you’re forced to change, gather your things, and join a host of other injured men (and a few women like yourself) to be sent back to the states. Your intestines seemed to twist at the thought, leaving behind the other marines. You felt almost guilty, wringing your hands. Hoosier, Leckie, Runner, and finally Chuckler. You were the last to fall. You had no idea where they were, where anyone was. You just knew you were alive.

You were transferred to San Diego hospital. It was the nicest facility you’d been in in probably a year, but that wasn’t reassuring. The white walls. The pristine decor–none of it felt right. It was all uncomfortable, oddly surreal after what you’d been through. You didn’t want to take it in. You just wanted to sleep until the wounds on your back turned into scars. The place in your shoulder where you were shot? That too. You’d almost forgotten about that, but it had happened so long ago, on Guadalcanal. 

After getting out of the wheelchair and stubbornly hobbling toward the woman’s ward (much to the nurse’s horror), a familiar voice called out to you from behind.

“Y/N?”

You stopped, shaking the grogginess from your head. You felt like you hadn’t escaped that feeling, the out-of-body, surreal feeling until that voice hit you like a brick wall, yanking you back into battle, into the memories suppressed.

“Lew?” You spin around on your heels. He’s still all height, hunched over slightly in pain; he couldn’t have been up long. Chuckler is one big crooked grin too big for him, ears too big for him, feet too big for him. He was barefoot, ridiculous as it was. You found him completely endearing. Two long weeks apart and all you wanted to do was throw yourself into his arms. He had done right by you, taken care of you, sacrificed for you.

“Holy shit, Y/N, I thought you were still in the Pacific.” Incredulous, he started forward, stretching out his hands to drag you into his chest. You didn’t resist (despite your aversion to public displays of affection), but leaned forward, burying your face into his hospital gown, gripping the fabric in your fists. 

“Jesus, fuck, Lew–Chuckler, I thought you were dead, god. No one told me anything.” You didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry, so you did both, finally releasing the gown and wrapping your arms around his waist. His nose was in your hair, eyes closed, waiting until he was sure you were done talking before he responded.

“Hey, hey now, we’re all good. Leckie and Hoosier too, we’re all fine, it’s all fine,” he soothed, dragging his fingers across your back. “Wanna go see them?”

You sniff, cursing yourself for crying on his shoulder. You left stains. Jesus, Hoosier would take one look and know for sure. You would catch hell for that. Wiping your nose and looking back at the nurse, who appeared disapproving (moved, but disapproving), you nodded your head. “Hell yeah, I need to yell at the two of them for leaving before I could say bye.”

Chuckler reached down pressed his hand into the small of your back, pushing you forward in the right direction. “C’mon then, Y/N, you have a lot of yelling to do.”

“Damn right, Chuckler.”