the applicant, sylvia plath // revolutionary girl utena

She knew she was “different,” telling her brother at one point, “What makes a few of us so different from others? It’s a question I often ask myself.”

She wrote:

“If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.”

She was born on December 10, 1830. She was labeled very, very shy, overly sensitive.

“Her Victorian upbringing included . . . doing domestic chores, and attending church. She spent her adolescent years studying locally at the Amherst Academy (1834–47) and at the Mount Holyoke Seminary (1847–48). Beginning at age 23, however, [she] began to withdraw from society and by the age of thirty, she became a relative recluse, spending most of her days indoors,” according to the Brooklyn Museum.

Some would say she became reclusive due either to her upbringing or from suffering from some type of illness such as agoraphobia (a disorder characterized by symptoms of anxiety in which the person afflicted perceives environments outside of the home to be uncomfortable or unsafe) or epilepsy. She was actually diagnosed during her lifetime as having "nervous prostration."

Although she had a brother and sister, she confided that her only companions were the hills, "the sundown, and a dog large as myself, that my father bought me. They are better than beings because they know, but do not tell."

There were rumors, however, that she may have loved her sister-in-law.

Many have also said she was preoccupied with death and dying, telling stories of the many people close to her who either left her or died. She would go through depressions, especially after the death of someone close, lamenting, "The Dyings have been too deep for me, and before I could raise my Heart from one, another has come."

In those instances, she would simply retreat to her room and disappear in her own little world.

No one knew what she was doing, some said she would sit for hours just writing in her notebook, about what, no one really knew.

When she finally died unknown to the rest of the world, of illness at the age of 55, at her request, her "coffin [was] not driven but carried through fields of buttercups."

Her sister had promised her she would burn all her correspondence, but she discovered a locked chest full of notebooks with nearly eighteen hundred poems. To honor her, her sister put a collection together and published the poems, one of which read:

“'Hope' is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -

And on the strangest Sea -

Yet - never - in Extremity,

It asked a crumb - of me."

~~~~~

“Shy but rebellious, recluse but unapologetic and independent – she was Emily Dickinson,” wrote Rudrani Gupta in She The People.

Emily Dickinson was born 192 years ago today.

The Peace Page has shared several stories of Emily Dickinson in the past, sharing her words and her influence. This is a new story with new insights celebrating one of the world’s favorite poets. The Jon S. Randal Peace Page focuses on past and present stories seldom told of lives forgotten, ignored, or dismissed. The stories are gathered from writers, journalists, and historians to share awareness and foster understanding. You can find more stories in the Peace Page archives. We encourage you to learn more about the individuals mentioned here and to support the writers, educators, and historians whose words we present.

~~~~~

“Throughout the nineteenth century, the nation obsessed over male authors like they were rockstars. Men like Poe, Thoreau, and Hawthorne were often seen as brooding, conflicted, and emotionally damaged,” wrote Allie Little. “They played up a persona of living separate from society or suffering for the sake of their writing. At the same time, the United States had a handful of women authors being published and spread throughout the nation, but they weren’t often granted the fame and acclaim their male counterparts were. Famous American poet Emily Dickinson wrote actively during this time period, but the world never knew of her talent.”

“Emily Dickinson is considered one of the most famous poets in the history of American literature,” according to the Brooklyn Museum. “Though socially shy, she was outspoken and emotional in her lyric poetry (short poems with one speaker who expresses thought and feeling), defying the nineteenth-century expectation that women were to be demure and obedient to men. Her honest and uninhibited writing made her an early feminist voice, even as she maintained an outward appearance of submissiveness. Nearly two centuries after Dickinson’s birth, her witty and frequently subversive poems are widely read, taught, and studied.”

Little wrote:

“Being from an influential family, Emily and her siblings, Austin and Lavinia, were taught to prioritize education. Emily excelled as a student at Amherst Academy, and often attended lectures at Amherst College despite women not being allowed to enroll. As seen in her poetry, her brain absorbed information like a sponge. Her areas of interest included chemistry, botany, entomology, astronomy, and various other natural sciences. It was this study of the natural world that helped Emily put into words specific emotions that were difficult to explain in poetry.

“It was after her time in the Seminary that her reclusive habits grew. Leaving Mt. Holyoke marked the end of her formal schooling. Despite her desire to continue her education, this was the time in many young girls’ lives that they would find a husband and take on the role of housewife and mother. Meanwhile, in a letter to a friend, Emily wrote, “God keep me from what they call households.” Clearly not the housewife-type, Emily Dickinson never sought the attention of a man and had seemingly no desire to leave her father’s home to become a maid in another. Instead, Emily spent her time being a mediator and confidant for her siblings and parents.”

“Busy about the house and garden, she began to write verse. The narrow boundaries of “woman’s sphere” were deadly limitations for many women,” according to the National Women’s Hall of Fame.

“Somehow Dickinson found within herself the imaginative resources to exceed and shatter such boundaries. Although untaught and virtually unpublished during her lifetime, she became one of the greatest poets in the English language.”

“The world would not realize Dickinson’s true artistic talent until after her death,” according to the Brooklyn Museum. “After her death in 1886, her sister Lavinia uncovered almost a thousand of Dickinson’s poems bound with thread into numerous booklets.”

“Emily Dickinson died at the age of 55 in the same house she was raised in,” wrote Little. “At the time of her death, only seven of the nearly 1,800 poems she wrote in her lifetime had been published, and all of them were published anonymously. Few people in her hometown of Amherst, Massachusetts knew what she looked like, and her talent for poetry was whispered around town like a local legend rather than applauded and praised.”

~~~~~

Gupta writes:

“This American poet’s poems and distinct lifestyle as a woman embodied feminism at the time when it was still beginning to gain momentum. The most important characteristic of her poems and personal life was the affirmation of a woman’s identity, independence and agency over her life.

“Emily Dickinson was born in a family where the father was the patriarchal figure and women were expected to be confined to the kitchens. The gender roles were divided between men and women – men occupying the financial space while women were confined within marriage, religion, motherhood and domestic work.

“But what made Emily Dickinson defiant was her agency over her life, the right to have privacy and her vigour to challenge the dominant and regressive ideologies. She is known for living a recluse life, within her parental home, writing and challenging the social norms through her radical poems. She had privacy in her life which is a privilege for many women even today because a woman who is in love with seclusion or her own company will never allow any power to govern her life. How many women can opt to stay at her parents’ house, unmarried, throughout her life? How many women have the freedom even to choose not to marry and spend life in her own room drowned in her thoughts and passion?

“Emily Dickinson valued individuality and personal space which a woman in her time and even today are expected to sacrifice if she wants to get married and live a life of significance.

“She changed the definition of a loner woman, which has nothing to do with insufficiency to get married but to assert your territory and choices and be a true rebel.”

~ jsr

The Jon S. Randal Peace Page

The Redwall Universe through Redwall and The Rogue Crew

Hi friends! I'm graduating highschool in two days (TWO DAYS!! ISN'T THAT CRAZY!!), and as a final project during my senior year, I did a literary analysis of the Redwall series! My final essay studies the themes in the Redwall universe as observed through the lens of the first and last (published) book, as well as through my own knowledge, and also examines the differences therein. I wanted to give insight into the series while explaining the background of all my points just a little bit :).

To start the project, I reread Redwall (well, most of it, but then life got busy. No matter, though, I've read it countless times before.) Going into this year, I had finished twenty-one of the twenty-two Redwall books. So, as part of the material for my project, I read The Rogue Crew for the first time! You guys should see my annotations in the book. There are at least four notes on each page, it's insane but also so rich and lovely. I also focused some of my studies on the I-Am That Is poem as its own unit, seeing as it's one of the most famous poems in the series, and I came up with some really fascinating notes.

I'll add a photo of my notes to my blog after this post because I just find them so interesting and I hadn't thought of a lot of the things I wrote beforehand. That's something about this project- diving into the books like this and writing my own thoughts about them has helped me understand them so much more deeply. I'm very grateful and excited that I finished this project and created what I have. Anyway, I'll get back to business.

I can officially say that it took me about a decade to read all the Redwall books and that I finished them by the time I was eighteen. I'm sure that no one is surprised I chose to do this project while completing senior year, these books mean so much to me and I want to bring them into my future with me. Here it is: The Redwall Universe through Redwall and The Rogue Crew. To read my work, scroll on through the break!

(P.S., There's more rambling after the essay. I can't resist talking about my creations and my love and all the other stuff I wrote this semester. See ya!)

I have been loving the Redwall series by Brian Jacques for over a decade; the books have always drawn me in with their world-building and depth. Redwall, written in 1986, starts the series in a revered sandstone abbey, the center of this world. After another twenty books, The Rogue Crew continues to expand the land of Mossflower and the surrounding country. As the very first and last books in the series, they are glimpses into the vast and complex universe of woodlanders created by Jacques. A universe that started in the real world, and grew to be full of adventure, joy, and tragedy- grew to be full of culture, history, and community- a universe that always invites its readers in.

The Redwall world was based on Jacques’ own backyard, and continues to be influenced by our reality. The series was originally written for children, the author wanted to use his stories to guide them growing up. Therefore, his books reference the reality that those children lived in. He has stated that the Abbey was inspired by the ruins of a church he visited as a child and that his experiences with poverty and food insecurity influenced the description of bountiful feasts in his books. He used his writing to illustrate beautiful woodland, grassland, and seaside settings for readers to experience. Additionally, descriptions of human churches and horse-and-buggies were included in Redwall, but scrapped for the rest of the series. Even though those ideas were discarded, Brian Jacques continued Redwall’s connection to humanity through an emphasis on the natural world, a connection to his audience, and the lessons he wanted to teach.

Although it is a series written for children, Redwall is often very heavy. Jacques’ desire to teach about morality through his stories meant that the battles in Redwall are battles between “good” and “evil.” The antagonist is always defeated when goodbeasts triumph in the end, but still, so many innocent characters die. Heroes and villains alike are killed without warning, shocking their comrades and readers of the series. As part of his lessons on morals, Jacques writes with the idea that “good” characters belong to some species and “bad” ones belong to others. This helps him effectuate his lessons on morals. Although this is a theme that the author only strays from when he wants to convey growth or individuality, his characters often hold different opinions regarding ethics. The Abbot in Redwall accepts villains because he believes it is right to lead with trust and love. Sometimes he is right, and sometimes he is gravely mistaken. The Rogue Crew, though, leads encounters with violence in all cases to protect themselves and everybeast on the High North Coast. In the Redwall books, some characters will always be a threat to peaceful life, and some will always be good and kind to all.

Equally as often as the books are tragic, though, they are daring and joyful. Each book is split into three (or four, in the case of The Sable Quean) subsections, the first of which is the discovery of a quest, the second the adventure itself, and the last the final battle. Of the adventures, the most famous is in Redwall, when Matthias follows a riddle left for him by Martin the Warrior to unearth the dead hero’s iconic sword and shield. As the books progress, more groups travel farther through Mossflower and the story delves deeper into its history. Villains arrive from overseas and heroes come from Salamandastron and even farther in all directions, traveling through the beautiful and unpredictable world. New and unique settings are discovered, new alliances are made, and goodbeasts explore all of Mossflower country and the land beyond. Characters quest, guided by their ancestors and comrades, to learn about the world and enjoy its bounty.

The most important value in the Redwall world, the one that Brian Jacques and all his readers emphasize, is community. Mossflower is steeped in community, culture, history, and tradition. Redwall Abbey is ancient and universally known as a sanctuary to those of good heart. Its Abbeybeasts support each other and provide for all of Mossflower with feasts, celebrations, a well-run abbey, and sturdy sandstone walls. They love and guide each other, but as a culture, they look to Martin the Warrior. Martin helped create the Abbey and is tied to it intrinsically. The goodbeasts within trust his guidance and protection, as he is the image of their home. His spirit appears to Redwallers in dreams and with riddles, but he also appears to would-be enemies, terrifying them into abandoning their prospects of riches and conquered lands. As much as Martin protects the woodland community, Abbeybeasts work through him as well, by invoking his image to raise their own spirits and frighten their enemies. Abbey society values the culture of community and love in Redwall, an idea that Martin helped grow, but that has been true forever and always.

Redwall Abbey is the center of the Redwall world, but is by no means the only community of value or impact. Another ancient location, Salamandastron, has been standing since the beginning of time. The warriors within have long-established teachings and traditions. Its Badger Rulers are summoned there by their ancestors to command the coast. The Long Patrol have a professional duty to protect every goodbeast from danger and to spring to battle at a moment’s notice, but they do so with good spirits and comradery. GUOSIM shrews are known to all woodlanders and warriors as they traverse and rule the River Moss. Throughout the country, small communities add to the tapestry of  Redwall characters. Their existences and relationships create the web that is Mossflower Wood and the surrounding countryside- they are all special and integral to their stories.

Redwall has been a big piece of my life for such a long time, which I have found to be true for many other readers- I have found real friends through talking about the books! Brian Jacques started writing for a small group of children, but the series has grown well past that in the last thirty-seven years. During his career, he shared twenty-two intricate, meaningful, and celebrated stories with the world. Jacques wrote fantasies about adventure, tragedy, morality, beauty, and joy. Although his works are fiction, he wanted his audience to find real values and a real home in them. Jacques loved his readers and welcomed them into the books. My friends like to say that Redwall lives on because of the community that has been brought together around it, that it will never really end. Brian Jacques likes to say that the gates of Redwall Abbey are always standing, always open to those of good will and a kind heart.

Thank you so much for reading! I always say this, but I'm quite proud of what I've done. I'm so happy to be able to use my own words to create what could vaguely be called literature or art, that comes from my own heart and from a series I love so much. I am also so glad to contribute to the community with something I'm proud of, something I think is valuable, and to have a community to contribute to in the first place! Love to you all, and thank you again for visiting.

I have a lot more resources I created during this whole big project, so let me know if anyone wants to see my write-ups and things on the books! In truth, I'll probably post things later if I decide they're cool.

Have a wonderful night! Signed, Sable Rose.

Works Cited

Jacques, Brian. Redwall. New York, Penguin Random House, 2010.

---. The Rogue Crew. New York, Philomel Books, 2011.

“Redwall.” Redwall Wiki | Brian Jacques and Redwall Information. https://redwall.fandom.com/wiki/Redwall.

The Princess Diarist. By Carrie Fisher. Blue Rider Press, 2016.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

Genre: memoir

Series: N/A

Summary: When Carrie Fisher discovered the journals she kept during the filming of the first Star Wars movie, she was astonished to see what they had preserved--plaintive love poems, unbridled musings with youthful naiveté, and a vulnerability that she barely recognized. Before her passing, her fame as an author, actress, and pop-culture icon was indisputable, but in 1977, Carrie Fisher was just a teenager with an all-consuming crush on her costar, Harrison Ford.

With these excerpts from her handwritten notebooks, The Princess Diarist is Fisher's intimate and revealing recollection of what happened on one of the most famous film sets of all time--and what developed behind the scenes. Fisher also ponders the joys and insanity of celebrity, and the absurdity of a life spawned by Hollywood royalty, only to be surpassed by her own outer-space royalty. Laugh-out-loud hilarious and endlessly quotable, The Princess Diarist brims with the candor and introspection of a diary while offering shrewd insight into one of Hollywood's most beloved stars.

***Full review below.***

CONTENT WARNINGS: alcohol, adultery

The aspect of this book I liked best was Carrie's honesty. Carrie holds nothing back and is quite upfront about her insecurities, her naivite, and her desire to please. The effect is that this memoir reads like a snapshot of a teenage girl who is starstruck by a much older man, and it's both hilarious and a little sad (in that Harrison Ford comes across as... not great).

Let's just get this part out of the way: this is not an in-depth behind-the-scenes look at the filming of Star Wars. The book jacket and marketing might be a little misleading on that front. If you're here for more Star Wars trivia or juicy gossip from one of the franchise's buggesy stars, best go elsewhere.

What this is, more than anything else, is Carrie's reflection on a number of things: her relationship with Harrison Ford while she was was a teenager and he was married and in his mid-thirties, how so-called "washed up" actresses struggle to make a living, the complicated feelings Carrie has regarding conventions and fame. For what it is, this book is endlessly funny, raw, and heartbreaking, moving from Carrie's characteristic humor and self-deprication to a hard-hitting insight into the workings of Hollywood and celebrity fandom.

Still, I don't think I can give this book more than 3.5 stars because there were aspects of Carrie's writing that didn't click for me. Some of her phrasing was a little awkward, and sometimes she would veer off in different directions (which is fine - that's the way her mind works - but it is also hard to follow sometimes). I also would have liked Carrie to deliver some sort of takeaway for each chapter - not necessarily a "moral to the story," but a clear(er) verbalizarion of the insights she gained by reflecting on the stories she's told.

The excerpts from her diary were also nice little insights to Carrie's headspace at the time, and if you care about Carrie as a person (not just Carrie as Princess Leia), they're a lovely look into the way her mind works.

But perhaps the section I liked best was Carrie's chapter on conventions. I found her honesty and complexity to be incredibly insightful and it shines a light on what she had to deal with for 40 years after the first Star Wars film.

Still, I'm glad I read this book. It's quick, it's amusing, and the photos are charming and nostalgic. The book perhaps hits a little different because both Carrie and her mother are gone, so some of my good feeling might be influenced by me being a fan who misses these icons. But if you love Carrie, you'll cherish this chance to "hear" her voice again.

have anwen and/or galaed for the ask game, if you’d like! :D (and hope you feel better soon! <3) @kerra-and-company

Thank you 🥰 It's already better than this morning but i'm not out of the woods yet 😅

Anwen, my beloved:

01. Full name: Vicountess Anwen Evergreen (if Snargle is to be believed, Faren would be a Duke... Anwen's bloodline is nowhere as prominent and influent as the Farens but her parents did bestow upon her a title – mostly honorific – to go with her estate in the Reach)

02. Best friend: Meryw 🌲💙 (though one could argue that Meryw is her sister and Canach is her best friend 😅)

03. Sexuality: Quarterly bi! (courtesy of @lilypixy) Demi but so slow to work out her attraction that she only gets half of that label 🤣 !

04. Favorite color : Sapphire blue

05. Relationship status: Taken (by Trahearne)

06. Ideal mate: clever, thoughtful, gentle, supportive... Trahearne.

07. Turn-ons: Neck kisses, being swept off her feet

08. Favorite food: Orrian truffle risotto, New Kaineng Noodles (the extra spicy ones), white chocolate and raspberry cake 🍰

09. Crushes: Sieran, Trahearne (insert 'not sure if' meme : not sure if bi, pan, or just really into sylvari)

10. Favorite music: Balade, sung poems and festive music (she particularly loves the bell choirs of Wintersday because the crystalline sounds remind her of Aurene)

11. Biggest fear: "That one day through my actions I'd condemn someone to suffer in agony." - Her worst fear comes true both with Apatia and Trahearne. In a broader sense, she's terrified of failing to protect her loved ones, of outliving them...

12. Biggest fantasy: The dragon cycle has ended, Aurene is happy and at peace, her friends and family are safe from all harm and she's living her life alongside with her loved ones. There's a library with more books, scrolls and tablets that could be read in a dozen lifetimes, and the more they read the more volumes appear. Running out of time is not something either of them has to worry about, though. There's a garden that needs tending, and a plum tree with a blanket underneath and fairy lights in it, and always a glass of wine or a cup of tea at hand. — a little sneak peek of their "after" 😌

13. Bad habits: Takes more than she can shoulder and hides it till she breaks ; inadvertently ghosts people because she has time blindness and picks up relationships where they left out

14. Biggest regret: Being unable to save Sieran and Blish... there were other deaths she wish she could go back in time and do things differently to avert, but none feel more unfair than these two..

15. Best kept secrets: A generous and totally anonymous donation she made to the Shining Blade, in hope to commute some of a certain sylvari's service time.

16. Last thought: as in... her last thought, or the last thought I had about her? For the latter I was wondering which Aurene legendary to give her before the new content drops... whether to finish Aurene's Insight – that I could use on a LOT of my characters – or finish the shield or get her the greatsword... I love her wielding Caladbolg and I don't want that to change but a branded Caladbolg would be... somewhat bittersweetly fitting. I don't really know how to explain 😅

17. Worst romantic experience: The amount of stress she was under when she realised she was in love with Trahearne, the fear of losing him and the dark relief she felt when the many deaths they encountered were, at least, not his.

18. Biggest insecurity: She wonders if she could have done more to protect Aurene from the crushing weight of her destiny... to buy her some time, some peace, some safety...

19. Weapon of choice: Greatsword and shield

20. Role Model: The people she loves have shaped her throughout her life and keep shaping her as she journeys forth. Violet and Conrad Faren, with their kind heart and sharp spirits ; the memory of her parents, a legacy she wanted to honour ; Logan Thackeray, with all the dumb courage and chaotic energy of a golden retriever; Sieran, for her unbridled joy in discovery and for being the first person Anwen could really infodump to without seeming to tire her; Meryw, for the constance of her heart, the brilliance of her mind and the valiance of her soul ; Trahearne, for his openness, his dedication and the brightness of his hope.

Both @dumb-dumb-mander and you requested some insight on Galaëd so I'll make an Autumn Birch centric post tomorrow and tag you both, if that's okay 🥰🍂 gonna hit the hay, now!

Hi! can i get a genshin, bsd and mysme mashup? :D

My pronouns are they/them, I'm demisexual demiromantic! I could give you my full typology and birth chart but i think that would be too much, im a ENTP 7w6 sx-sp, capricorn sun, piscis moon and scorpio rising.

I suffer in my 5'1, im tan(? let's just say im tan bc i have no clue how to describe skin tones in English, i have short, red hair but my natural color is more like a dark brown, i have brown eyes

Im spontaneous, observer, i want to say im funny but ngl idk, im anxious and ambiverted more on the introverted side. idk what else to say lol. I'm like 707, najimi osana, luz Noceda, reki Kyan and Entrapta

i love rpg maker games, typology, any kind of horror media, asmr, anime and kpop. im currently hyperfixated on ace attorney, genshin impact, fnaf and cookie run, my special interests are deltarune, undertale and cats. i love plushies, fashion dolls and that's it ig. my favorite animes are saiki, snow white with the red hair, Ouran Highschool Host club, komi can't comunicate, kill la kill and bsd. my current favorite book series is tian guan ci fu ;)

my favorite genshin characters are childe, all the anemo boyband and lisa

i hate red cherries, ren yamai, people that just miss the entire point of characters, homophobia, ableism and racism and i can't think of anything else tbh

i love reading, watching movies and anime, playing videogames, making art and sleeping.

i have adhd and possibly autism :D

anyways thats all

Hello! Sorry this took a while, I've just finished the first half of semester at uni and I'm on break now so I'm catching up on some writing. Hope you like your matchup!

In Genshin Impact, I match you with...

Kazuha is a good match for you in so many ways. He's just the right balance of introvert and extrovert so you won't have to worry about him crossing any boundaries or not expressing his own boundaries.

He's also one of anemo boys so that's also a big plus!

Your spontaneous side is something Kazuha takes great delight in. He's fairly spontaneous himself, often letting his next step be determined by what his heart says.

Having someone close to his heart that shares that nature brings him comfort.

People watching with Kazuha on a lazy afternoon? It's definitely going to happen!

He would also love to read with you and spend time together doing your respective arts.

He'll definitely write poems about your art. For example, if you're into painting, he would love to write poems about whatever you're painting.

Modern AU Kazuha would enjoy watching anime with you. He's not really into any shows in particular but he has a fondness for romcoms and romance anime in general. He'd probably enjoy watching Ouran Highschool Host Club with you.

A relationship with Kazuha is one filled with art and tranquillity. He'll always make sure you feel valued.

In Bungo Stray Dogs, I match you with...

I think Poe is a good match for you, despite you two being the exact opposite of the saying "opposites attract".

You and Poe are very similar but while he is a complete introvert, you have enough extrovert tendencies to help bring him out of his shell a bit.

That's not to say he's going to start going out clubbing every night. Poe is still very much the introvert. But he'll at least be able to have conversations with other people as long as you're with him.

Poe would love it if you would read over his drafts! With your observation skills he's sure you would be able to provide some insight that would make his writing that much better, no matter how small a comment it is.

He'd love to read with you as well. Whether it's one of you reading out loud to the other, reading the same book over the other's shoulder, or reading your own things, he loves the peace that comes with relaxing with another person.

Loves your fondness for plushies! They remind him of his connection with Karl (who loves you as well).

Poe isn't big into horror stuff but he'll sit beside you with eyes closed tight while you watch your favourite horror things. It's one of the ways he can think of to show you his affection.

Poe's not the best at expressing himself, but he'll try his best to show you that he truly cares!

In Mystic Messenger, I match you with...

Jaehee is the most supportive partner anyone could ever have.

She's already got plenty of practice dealing with people like 707 so she'll have no worries interacting with you.

There's no escape for Jaehee. Her boss loves cats. 707 loves cats. You love cats. At least she can go out for coffee with Zen and escape the cat manics (affectionate) for a while.

Okay, Jaehee is a huge fan of Tiān Guān Cì Fú! I don't know why, but I get that feeling. She loves that you love it as well and she would be so happy if you would spend one of her few days off reading the whole series together.

I feel like Jaehee isn't super into anime but it's mostly because she doesn't have time to watch it. Introduce her to some of your favourite shows and she'll cherish the time.

She doesn't get time off very often so most of your time spent together would have to be early morning or late night.

If it's early, Jaehee will be subtly checking her clock to make sure she's not running late. She gets caught up in whatever she's doing with you so she has to be careful so that she doesn't forget about work.

If it's late, you'll have a sleepy Jaehee on your hands. She wants to give you her undivided attention but sometimes her busy schedule catches up to her and she'll start to doze off. She finds your company far too relaxing!

Jaehee is a dedicated and supportive partner who will always take time to make sure you feel cared about.

"The reticent volcano is a symbol of the human psyche, which is also full of secrets and hidden desires. The speaker suggests that these secrets are "confided" to no one, and that keeping them hidden is a way of protecting oneself from harm. But at the same time, this secrecy can be isolating and alienating. The speaker asks whether human nature can survive without someone to listen to it, suggesting that the need for connection and communication is fundamental to the human experience."

I'm reading something, about that poem..

Things happened SOOOO fast that they didn't have the time to REALLY talk things out. So when Vision appears, Wanda feels like she can open herself again without the fear of reliving the pain?? Fresh start? Fresh everything? Like, she can live a whole new life. Grieving people takes distractions to escape. So 🧍

"Reminding us that there is something more important than the fleeting pleasures of life."

Did wanda subtly telling vision that, what's happening between them is just s3x. No feelings, purely for the sake of i guess "feeling/being alive again"?

"this is just fvck, never read more into it" kinda thing.

Maybe I'm wrong but, idk. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk 🏃🏻‍♀️💨

When Wanda wrote that, she wasn't really intending that to mean something to Vision... the statement speaks to her.

You can imagine Vision reading it and being all "huh? wtf are you talking about?" because it won't make sense to him.

Love your ted talk :* ;) thank you for sharing that very insightful analysis!

What I've wrote so far only comments on how it speaks to Wanda with just a sentence, so it's going to be a short reference, and people should totally read this to supplement that single sentence :)

Do you have any horror book recs? you are very big brained and I trust your opinions

OH BOY DO I. Standard warning that this is all horror so it's all like. Fucked up. I'll try to place warnings for anything specific but like. There's just going to be a lot going on in general. If you’re interested but maybe concerned I’d advise looking into any rec further before diving in, especially as some of these I read a while ago and may not remember certain aspefcts of!

I have to start by repping my fave novel of all time, We Have Always Lived in the Castle, by Shirley Jackson. It's maybe not as well-known as her short stories (e.g., the Lottery, which from what I've heard a lot of Americans study in school) or The Haunting of Hill House, but it's such a spectacular, dark, weird novella. It's about witchcraft, family, alientation in the American suburbs, and how fucked up a teenage girl can get. There is barely a second of wasted breath in it. It's funny, dark, creepy, and weirdly triumphant all at once. I love it so much. Warnings for familial abuse and murder.

Recently I also read Sayaka Murata's short story collection Life Ceremony, which I thought was absolutely fantastic. Murata's insights on conformity in Japanese society are fascinating, and while I'm not sure Murata has ever come out and identified as one way or another, there's a lot of queerness baked into her work (particularly from an ace-aro perspective). These short stories are fantastically freaky, sometimes funny and sometimes scary. A lot of it concerns s/ex, cannibalism, gore, death, and reproduction.

Speaking of Japanese horror, the short story The Human Chair by Edogawa Ranpo (https://pseudopod.org/2021/08/21/pseudopod-771-the-human-chair/) has been living rent-free in my brain since I listened to it almost a full year ago now. It basically is about a guy who wants to live in a chair and uh. It escalates. It's a bit of a weird horror in that it's one where when you read it you're like 'haha, this is silly' and then when you lie down to sleep later you're like 'DDD:'. Warnings for paranoia, sexual harassment, and uh. Being very fucking creepy generally.

I also recently finished This World Does Not Belong To Us (which, what a NAME, eh) by Natalia Garcia Frere. This novella is INCREDIBLY dark, grimy, and weird and I loved it so much that I wanted to eat it. This one is about a dude who is sold into slavery as a child and returns to his familial home to enact revenge. It's so so bleak, but beautifully written - almost more of a prose poem than a novel - and it's just so astoundingly eerie. I want Del Toro to adapt it to a stop-motion film. Content warnings for abuse, slavery, gross bodily functions, and SO MANY insects.

For something a bit campier and maybe more like, fun horror, I'd recommend Horrorstör by Grady Hendrix. Try and get a physical copy of this one, rather than ebook, if you can, because the entire concept of this it's a horror-comedy novel based entirely in an off-brand IKEA, and the book is styled after an IKEA catalogue. It's pulpy, spooky, a lot of fun, and I devoured it all in one day. I wouldn't say it's scary exactly, but it is a gruesome anti-capitalist ghost story so. Who can say no.

If you're after more 'terrible women being awful' horror, I'd recommend Tell Me I'm Worthless by Alison Rumfitt. This is about a fraught friendship between a trans woman and a recently radicalised TERF, following a traumatic incident they had together at a haunted house. While I do think this book suffers a bit from needing a more brutal editor (esp considering the author's relatively young age), it's really compelling and gripping. Content warnings for transphobia, discussions of geno/cide/naz/ism, r/ape, terrorism.

If you're a YA reader, I'd suggest Louise O'Neill's 'Only Ever Yours'. Don't be put off by the corny-ass cover most editions have - O'Neill is an incredibly skillfull writer and this a great, dark dystopian novel, exploring misogyny against teen girls taken to its absolute extreme. While it's very much an YA Novel in many ways (sometimes it does feel like it's sitting you down to Explain How A Sexism Works), I think that's just par for the course for the genre, and if you're reading YA just something you have to expect a bit. Content warnings for r/ape, eating disorders, body image, misogyny, and homophobia (I think, it's been a while since I read this one!).

Yeah, those are my big picks off the top of my head!

23 DAYS TO MAKING 12 YEARS SOBER;

Before I got sober, I used to see the world as; they have all that and I have nothing. Now, I see the world as; they have all that but I have this. Going out and seeing the stuff some of my friends had, especially those from Lincoln and other international schools put in my face in a very painful way all the opportunities I missed when mom decided to bring me back from America. I never got a chance to go back because my green card got issues after I left. That was a terrible emotional wound I got and it festered every time I went out and saw what they had. It hurt. I drank on. It was during this time when I started compiling "My Book Of Rhymes." It was from a hurting place. I wrote poems like, "I Am A Nobody," "Depths Of Solitude," "Fruitless Browsing," and so on to try to encapsulate what I felt into words. I honestly felt so out of place but I tried to fit in and the alcohol made it easier till I started getting drunk and becoming a nuisance. Now that I'm sober, I realize I'm blessed to have what I have. Yes, they have all that but I have all this. Getting sober gave me insight to deeply understand that I saw the world through a contracted lens. It seemed as if they had all that but they did not. They had places too in their lives where they were empty just like I did. It was just my perception rooted in envy. I'm content with what I have now thanks to sobriety. Looking back, I see this as the darkest yet brightest part of my life. Yes, I was feeling as a nobody. Yes, I was feeling out of place but it's also at this point where a flame of creativity was sparked into my life. It was at this point where I learnt to journal my pain and in a way it comforted me- catharsis. 'My Book Of Rhymes' has many poems that display hope, comfort, forgiveness, love, depth insight, wisdom, perseverance, patience and resilience against all odds at that point in time. You can get it on Amazon. Read the full article

🦇 Hope Ablaze Book Review 🦇

❓ #QOTD What books by POC have you read so far this year OR is there one on your radar? ❓

🦇 First, I just want to point out the irony that this SMP book approaches everything the executives at SMP still have not: Islamophobia and colonization. I'm not going to let the boycott keep me from praising this book, but I'd be remise not to mention the company's continuous silence.

[ Find my review below. ]

🦇 Though Nida's uncle was wrongfully incarcerated during the war on terror for his "radical" poetry, Nida has always found comfort in the written world. After a Senatorial candidate has her illegally frisked (her hijab torn off in the process), she writes a scathing poem in response; a poem she didn't intend for a mass audience, only for it to win first place in a national contest. When the poem in mentioned on the news, Nida must struggle with the aftermath, all while trying to demonstrate pride in her Islamic faith and Pakistani culture in a world of Islamophobia and racism.

💜 What a dazzling, thought-provoking, raw debut. As a Muslim who grew up in a post-911 world, I understand and empathize with Nida's fears and applaud her courage. Sarah Mughal Rana does a beautiful job at capturing so many familiar experiences; the power of a supportive community, the struggles of the immigrant experience, the conflict between wanting to hold onto your roots and culture only to be punished for what other people don't even want to understand. Hope Ablaze is a reminder that we must fight to find our voices, even when they're drowned out by oppressive, ignorantly righteous rallies of racism. Many of the layered themes in Nida's story reflect not only Palestinian experiences in America, but I'm sure similar experiences of other Middle Eastern and Southeast Asian immigrant families. While Nida is still a high schooler, this is a story many adults can benefit from reading. Nida's emotions BOUND off the page, not only through exposition or dialogue, but strongly through her poetry. I adored the use of poetry to describe scenes we didn't need full chapters of, giving us insight into Nida's emotions and thought process while keeping the pacing from stalling.

🦇 If you've read even a handful of my reviews, you know I thrive off experiencing other cultures through food, not because I'm a foodie, but because I think it's the easiest way for people to relate to one another. Nida's mother owns a catering business, so there's no end to Pakistani delicacies in this book. However, even with a modest understanding of Arabic (I can write it and pronounce it but not translate it, which is SO helpful), and a vast familiarity of Islam, I had to look up a few words. I'm worried that those unfamiliar with the religion or culture will have a difficult time relating to the story, even on a surface level. The magical realism feels a bit misplaced--was it the overactive imagination of a creative mind, or the ancestral magic of Nida's power over spoken word? Some sentences lacked context clues that would have helped. There are a few segments that felt repetitious--this novel would have benefited from an extra round of edits--but otherwise, a strong debut.

🦇 Recommended for fans of Internment, The Poet X, and All My Rage.

✨ The Vibes ✨ 🖋️ Thought-Provoking Debut 🖊️ Teen Muslim FMC ✒️ Magical Realism 📜 Poetry Letters 🖊️ Racism & Islamaphobia 🖋️ Immigrant Experience

🦇 Major thanks to the author @sarahmughal769 for providing an ARC of this book via Netgalley @netgalley. 🥰 This does not affect my opinion regarding the book.

Quotes ❝ The sharpest sword is the tongue. ❞ ❝ They cry, These are our human rights, but the right is just a pretty way of saying, We prefer the shade of white. ❞ ❝ "Mr. Daniels, it’s racist to think, a girl can’t have the right to her own beliefs, in a country that applauds itself on diversity, and multicultural plurality. Last time I checked, this is a free country, so let the Muslim girl wear her hijab and sweatpants in peace.” ❞ ❝ To write is to show the world your heart before letting them stomp all over it. That kind of permission was dangerous, because consent didn’t matter for our art when we never had ownership to begin with. ❞

Why is tomorrow morning, the 40th apartment is Denny Ja to read? Find the answers here

Tomorrow in the morning, Denny Ja's 40th apart, an essay poem that is very worth reading by everyone. This essay poem offers a story that arouses heart and full of inspiration, and gives a new view of the life and long journey of a famous character, Denny Ja. This essay poem gives us a deep picture of the life journey of Denny JA, an intellectual and activist who has made a major contribution in the fields of literature and politics in Indonesia. In his long journey, Denny JA had faced various challenges and obstacles, but remained firm in its principles. Why is this essay poetry so important and worth reading? First, this essay poem offers a unique insight about life and Denny JA's journey. We can see how he faces various difficulties and go through important events in his life. This essay poem provides inspiration and motivation for readers to overcome the obstacles they may face in their own lives. Second, this essay poem also gives an interesting view of the development of literature and politics in Indonesia. Denny JA is one of the influential figures in the world of literature and politics, and this essay poem gives us a picture of changes that occur throughout the journey of his life. For literary and political fans, this essay poem is a precious source of information. In addition, this essay poem also describes the relationship between literature and politics. Denny JA has fought for freedom of expression through literature, and this essay poem illustrates how literature can be a strong tool to convey political messages. This shows how important the relationship between these two fields is and how they influence each other. This essay poem also gives us a deeper view of the values and principles of Denny JA's life. We can see how he prioritizes integrity, honesty, and courage in everything he does. This is a valuable lesson for all of us, that by upholding that value, we can achieve true success. For those who want to explore more about Denny JA's life journey, this essay poem is a source of rich information. In this essay poem, we will get a deep insight about his personal life, his career journey, and its important role in the development of literature and politics in Indonesia. Do you want to find your own answer? Reading this essay poem will give you a clearer picture of why tomorrow morning, the impression is uncertain Denny JA to be read. Don't miss the opportunity to get new inspiration and insights that might change your life. In his conclusion, the essay poetry why tomorrow morning, the 40th apartment is Denny Ja to read? is a work that is worth reading by everyone. This essay poem gives us a deep view of life's journey and the great contribution of Denny JA in the world of literature and politics. This is an essay poem that will inspire and provide new insights for the reader. So, don't miss the opportunity to read this essay poem and find answers to the question why this essay poem is so important.

Check in full: Why is tomorrow morning, the 40th Denny Ja is worth reading? Find the answers here

We got alot to catchup on world. Miss you all. So I'm about to commit to one post a day at least & more social engagement in the most meaningful ways yall, not to accomplish some IG feat...but because I'm committing more to reaching people where they're at & to add more understanding, justice, peace, perspective, love, listening, breath & space holding. That's what I feel I'd like to add more of. Thankfully that I'm good enough at those things through poetry, acting, writing workshops and dialogue while always pushing world peace through inner peace as my mission statement feels right. Going to post more #acting work, #Podcast #Interviews #spokenword videos for sure. Travels, Q & A's of films & more. Also, I'm sharing more behind the scenes stuff on my new Patreon-like donation & private membership site...Link in Bio! Will do the subscriber thing on here too when I get that figured out if alot of you are interested! 📸 @litlightlovephoto One of the greatest photographers are coming back to LA. Follow them now to keep track if you like. Got more to post from my first shoot with them. So GOOD. Creative, fun, insightful, adventurous. #Photography #PhotoOfTheDay What do YOU need to do or accomplish or live out before you die...? Sincerely? Mortality isn't as scary when you confront it & embrace it, while being prepared to discuss it. So much of what we do to others that's negative can come from so much fear, chemical imbalances, lack of self love or sheer ignorance and not knowing. So I hope you journal or write a poem about what you want to do before your last breath is taken, tag me when you do or write some thoughts below if you want. Promise to read ALL of them. I hope you take each breath today like you're ready to live a full life with so much passion & presence & feel connected to yourself, this beautiful planet, & a beautiful community. Let's take a breath...? I love you all. Let's Bend more Reality shall we? 🙏🏿😌🙏🏿🥳💫 #WorldPeaceThroughInnerPeace #Joy #Passion #Peace #Dialogue #Truth #Poetry #Art #Artistic #Action #Be #Conflict #Confront #Present #Presence #Positivity #RealPositivity #Optimistic #LetsBendReality https://www.instagram.com/p/CpHVBJhuL0H/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Featured Post: Dare to Imagine by Leonard Eckhaus

About Featured Book: Dare to Imagine by Leonard Eckhaus Dare to Imagine is a cornucopia of wonderful children's poems, songs and fables. Follow the kitten Patches as she makes a new friend and learns how important it is to heed her mother's advice; read the fairytale of Sirius, the brightest star in our galaxy and how she taught all the other stars to shine brightly and light up the sky every night; go on a great adventure with Darby as he rides trolley cars and marches in a parade; and go along on an eight year old's journey to an ancient castle where he meets the king and the queen and eats blackbird pie. This book is for the children. Each poem and fable parallel events and activities all younger children experience. At the end of each narrative are some questions for discussion. These questions are meant to engender thoughts and greater insights into the topics, from the child's perspective. Additionally, each of the poems is also a fun lyric to a song that the children can sing along with and that you can enjoy together. When you purchase the book, you will be able to download these (free) songs so you and your child can enjoy the songs and stories over and over again. This Children's Book book is available in these Formats: Print Buy Book Here. Read the full article

CLoves: The Waking Up App 💙

It's literally not just a meditation app. No alerts to make you feel like a failure for skipping a day, truly scrumptious content for the mind body and soul, no charges if you can't afford it, no questions asked.

I love free stuff. Not only because I'm stingy (maybe), but I really believe the best stuff the world has to offer in life is free, and should be. So this is what really got me about the app before diving into its content. It doesn't stop at giving you a 30-day free trial without asking for a credit card, but you can get a full-year scholarship with no questions asked when you truly can't afford it. You just listen to a short message from Sam Harris, the founder and voice for most of the content, send an email, and a few days later someone sends you a very nice email saying you get a year of free subscription (normally $14.99 a month for people who can afford it). And you can do it again next year (which I did, went from student to graduate so it's justified). I really think all business models should be something like this. Sam says in his podcast (called Making Sense, which also has the same business model) that he didn't expect this to work out or be able to support itself, but I guess this type of radical generosity really pays off.

I've been listening to David Whyte's spoken poetry series on the app every night before bed, for a few months now. He reads his beautifully and deadly simple putting-together-of-words in his deep, soothing voice, but also gives background and context to each poem. Each recording is 5-10 minutes long, perfectly bite-sized, and a perfect balance of intellectually juicy food for thought as well as meditative insight. I love having poetry explained to me, telling me the state of mind in which he wrote it, where he was, who it was about, and just super insightful anecdotes that make the poems that much more memorable.

I'm not as good at keeping up a daily meditation practice, but Sam makes it really easy to get back into it.

This is the homepage of Waking Up. Every day, the daily meditation updates, with today's date and a new unseen artwork. You don't really know what you're gonna get every day, how much he's gonna talk, what instructions he'll give (all while sitting comfortably), whether you open or close your eyes, how theoretical he'll get, how much he'll just leave you be in silence. That really works for me, so I don't have any preconceptions of what may come. I just click on the beautiful artwork (the list of artists can be found here) and sit. I also love how it shows how many people are practicing with you at that moment. I don't notice it much, but it's such a nice feature and a pleasant thing to acknowledge. You also choose whether you want a 10-minute session or 20-minute session. I sort of switch depending on the day, but honestly if I don't do the 20 then I just skip it altogether lol.

The homepage is like Spotify, with recommendations and features to guide me on what next across my overthinking mind. Look at the cute artworks!!!

Excuse the lazy layout, but these are the different pages that are Theory, Practice, and Life. This is one of my favourite things about it. They're not just meditations, but crazy stuff like full-length exclusive Alan Watts talks and series by some of the biggest thinkers and practitioners, including my favourite David Whyte series. I started with his Consolations series where every poem explores the meaning, paradox, and complexity of everyday words, e.g. "Genuis", "Ambition", "Heartbreak', etc. They really really hit the spot for me, and I've learnt so much from them. Sometimes they just perfectly align with what you're going through and tell you exactly what you needed to hear. Now I'm on his Contemplative Action series, and it's sooo good.

When I tried Headspace, I hated that they reminded me every day that I didn't meditate and it keeps piling up in my notifications, I just wanted them to leave me alone. But with Waking Up, you get a little contemplative message every day with the title "Take a moment?", and if you click it it takes you to a ~40 second voice message from Sam saying something nice and deep. And an artwork. The one I got yesterday said, "Each of us is looking for a path back to the present. We're trying to find good enough reasons to be satisfied." Thank you Sam for the little bit of data that will go into my subconscious and feed the cats that are hungry for good thoughts.

But if you want to start with some kind of structure, the app starts with an Introductory Course that has about 30 sessions. But no pressure to follow day 1 day 2, they're just called Meditation 1 and so on, and the sessions vary from ~8-15 minutes. They're also accompanied by a nice non-compulsory theory session that goes hand in hand with the meditation for more conceptual backing. To kind of give a ballpark, he explores the sense of self, metta (loving-kindness), the power and necessity of thoughts, mindfulness and its usefulness, and much much more.

Waking Up has given me such good guidance when I need it without forcing it down my throat. I'm still trying to maintain an every day practice, but I also don't blame myself when I don't. Everything about it is just so soothing, including the amount of charity they're doing with the app. In their 100 Days of Giving, random members will be selected to direct $10,000 to one of 10 highly effective charities, with a total of a million. Their radical generosity is infectious, and they truly make the world a better place. I love them very much.

Thanks for giving your time to read this hehe, love you very much too and here's a closing note taken from their twitter.

P.S. I just realised I can pick a head for my profile !! and there are so many !! 😭🥺

Poem Section 

The first poem I wrote was about my current state and attitude, mainly a melancholic experience. The second is a look back on how I was raised by my parents or the people around me and how that influenced who I came out to be. The use of abrupt sentences impacts just how impactful it was to me. The third is a nostalgic look back into my past with a glazy and focused attempt to make it sound as imaginative as possible. All these poems give insight into who I am and used to be and how I was shaped into being who I am through the use of poems.

I'm good, but that makes me concerned,

For what will be bad in the future.

The last couple of years have been enlightening 

But also, extremely depressing 

Due to a sickness, I had for a week. 

This year I have a great apartment, 

That won’t let me sleep. 

I go to a school that I smile about and recommend,

But second, guess my enrollment. 

I have people that I care about, 

But I think sometimes they secretly hate me. 

I read beautiful stories, then

Scroll on my phone for twice as long. 

I go to a gym to fix my body, 

Then eat three donuts. 

I strive to be myself, 

Then ask if I’m just copying someone else. 

Even though I'm on my own,

I desperately yearn for a full home. 

Get on the bus in time so you don’t get to class late. Get good grades, raise your hand in class, and make sure to remember your book bag. Don’t be mean. Play nice with the other kids, and make sure to smile. Join a couple of clubs, put yourself out there, and don’t be afraid to fail. Put on your cleats; you're playing soccer, and play well at it. Be a starter, score many goals, and make sure your coach will like you. Get on the varsity team and run faster than the rest of the boys; make sure to run in your free time and have a good mile time. Why don’t you join the track team and get even faster? Now that you have been captain, why don’t you do cross-country and try running up a hill for once? Now you’ve graduated middle school, let’s move away, you’ll make new friends, and it will make you more experienced. Go to high school and continue getting good grades. Make sure to go outside enough and get sunlight. Don’t be too skinny but make sure you have enough muscle to help around the yard. And don’t get fat and lazy, so you had better go to the gym and eat the right food. Now you're older and bigger, you better start looking and smelling better. Make sure you take a shower every night and put deodorant on before school. Cut your hair short and style it a bit, so you don’t look messy. You better get a job soon, or how else are you going to buy those new sneakers and a car so you can drive to that job. Now you have a car, make sure to keep it clean and not break down. Have you looked at colleges? You need to get on that before your junior year. How about finding a nice pretty girl to take to prom, and what about getting a nice suit and shoes for that. Be in enough clubs to look good for college and serious ones with no games played.  Make sure to be one of the top students when you graduate high school. Make sure your gown looks good on you and that you decorate your hat a bit. Walk like a man you get to your diploma and have a firm handshake, smile, and wave to your family. Act like you had fun and that you enjoyed your time cause now you are off to college, and hopefully a serious one with good programs. Say goodbye to your friends before you move in and pack everything that you need. Study for your classes and look good for internships. Join more clubs and have a good network of people around you. That way, you'll get that job, and that house, and that car, and those shoes, and those fancy clothes. Make sure you make money for your family and provide for them. Fulfill that passion that you had and didn’t lose over the years. You're on your own with your own life. Now you get to choose who you are. 

I remember slow dancing three feet apart making trying to not make eye contact. 

I remember lunch boxes with Lego characters on the side that always found a way to destroy my sandwiches. 

I remember a boy who used to mix his chocolate milk and orange juice together with a hint of fries then dared others to drink it. 

I remember outside of our town a broken-down unused bicycle factory sitting unused. 

I remember in agony how to understand to juggle a soccer ball more than 5 times. 

I remember pondering on how people could drink coffee and hot chocolate and not burn their tongues off. 

I remember blue stores with halls filled with movies and video games that you could borrow for a little while.         

I remember arcades with lots of games, and in the prize box a “iPod” to play my music though with a sting attached.

I remembered at carnivals rides spinning around it made me sick to my stomach. 

I remember “ninja” and “Heads up sevens up” being played in classrooms and on the school yard. 

I remember getting shot in the neck by a 7-year-old who was way too young to be playing with a bb gun.      

I remember being distraught when I found a zipper on the back of my rainbow teddy bear and found that inside was mountain of fluffy white cotton. 

I remember twisting the swings around to the point that it strained and then let go and spun like a toy. 

I remember killing the bugs that would hide under the brim of my baseball cap leaving a trail of bodies. 

I remember biker gloves that didn’t go to my fingers leaving my hands cold and unusable. 

I remember “last day of school parties”.       

I remember “your mom” jokes not making any sense to me but still being hilarious for some reason. 

I remember “spin the bottle” and “bloody Mary” both with two very different outcomes. 

I remember mature songs bleeping the bad words I wasn’t supposed to hear. 

I remember laughing at extremely sad or terrible news which I continue to do. 

I remember the wafers we were fed at church during communion, I hated them, but I loved the wine, always trying to drink more than the priest wanted to give me. 

I remember being tired of singing at communion and started drawing on the papers and making airplanes to throw at my siblings. 

I remember movies in school about giving birth, I always sat in the back so I could snicker with my friends. 

I remember thinking my name was cooler as Zack rather than Zach, so I spelt it different for a day. 

I remember forgetting how to spell my name whether its Zachary or Zachery I had to check my birth certificate. 

I remember a dream of a big house with a smiling man who would never leave me alone; those were not pleasant dreams. 

Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

Can’t decide if this was the best book to have read this week or the absolute worst book to have read this week.

Elisa Gabbert summed it up quite nicely in her 2021 year-end roundup:

17. The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker (1973) — I heard about this book from a Louise Glück poem. It must be having a moment, because all my library’s copies were checked out already, so I bought one. I had the immediate sense that it belongs to the canon of books that, like Hyperobjects and Crowds and Power, explain everything. It’s all about how our motivation in all things is the fear of death, hence we have to align ourselves with some greater symbolic power, a big lie from beyond, that allows us a sense of “cosmic specialness,” allows us to feel heroic, to deny death, to deny our ultimate fate as “complex and fancy worm food.” Religion, in the past, made this easy, providing a ready-made meaning-of-life and assurance of immortality if we followed the rules. Modernity has made it more difficult, more of a figure-it-out-yourself affair, and many of us struggle our whole lives to find (or invent) a kind of meaning we can believe in, to feel like we have some control over nature. Art is one way; for worse people, there’s war. The language and some of the thinking around gender, sexuality, and mental illness is outdated and kind of ~yikes~ but regardless, this is full of good insights and writing and ideas. Really enjoyable in its sweep. Concludes on the limits of psychotherapy: “Not everyone is as honest as Freud was when he said that he cured the miseries of the neurotic only to open him up to the normal misery of life.” Here are some more choice quotes: “Religions like Hinduism and Buddhism performed the ingenious trick of pretending not to want to be reborn, which is a sort of negative magic: claiming not to want what you really want most.” “This is the paradox: he is out of nature and hopelessly in it; he is dual, up in the stars and yet housed in a heart-pumping, breath-gasping body that once belonged to a fish and still carries the gill-marks to prove it.” “The narcissistic project of self-creation, using the body as the primary base of operations, is doomed to failure.” “Man’s body is a problem to him that has to be explained.” “Full humanness means full fear and trembling.” “In a word, illness is an object … At least it makes us feel real and gives us a little purchase on our fate.” “Neurosis is today a widespread problem because of the disappearance of convincing dramas of heroic apotheosis of man.” “The jump doesn’t depend on man after all — there’s the rub: faith is a matter of grace.” “He has to go the way of the grasshopper, even though it takes longer.” “Life itself is the insurmountable problem.”