#gigs for recovering addicts
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This is based off this prompt from @stealingyourbones! Now this does have Hanahaki disease in it as well as blood and things to do with the lungs if y'all don't like that! this is also my first time writing for DC.
Edit: Here is the ao3 link
Blooming Death, Please Love Me
Danny never thought he would get Hanahaki disease after the accident. He was too busy with ghosts and general survival. He sees that he is wrong now, with burning lungs and the taste of iron on his tongue. Small red petals cupped in now bloody hands. Most would think it was a rose in his lungs, but Danny can feel they are not. His core hurts, lungs burn, and blood blossoms bloom in his lungs.
Danny sighs. He'll have to deal with this later, his break is almost up and he still has half of his shift left. He just hopes Tim doesn't come in while he's working, his lungs and core wouldn't be able to take it.
Danny usually works nights in a 24/7 coffee shop next to the Gotham University campus. It pays well enough for his shitty crime alley apartment, plus he can go there straight after his classes. He didn't expect to see any vigilantes during his working hours, but Red Robin's coffee addiction won't rest (much like the vigilante himself).
Now vigilantes aren't the only high profile people to tumble in during Danny's shifts. The Wayne family, for some ungodly reason, tends to stop in. According to his co-workers, they mostly stop in only during his shift. Danny thinks they are liars. Why would they only come during his shift, it's not like he does anything that would catch their attention. He's mostly retired from the hero gig and keeps invisible during his ghostly flights.
Danny is just a normal tired college student trying to get through his shifts. Really he should have known that could never happen. The thing with being a barista is that you get really good at recognizing voices. So, when Red Robin came in a couple hours after Tim Drake with the same tired but steady voice, well Danny didn't tell a soul.
It's a Friday night and his lungs burn. Danny is trying his best to stay calm. Fixing the mess his heart got him into might turn his half-life into a bigger tragedy than it already was. To think his second death was blooming in his lungs over a hot, too smart for his own good, vigilante. Danny coughs, petals brush and burn his throat. They sit on the tip of his tongue, like the words he has yet to say. Blood blossoms, the only damn flower he couldn't live through. He was going to die from the burning of his chest and core. Spitting out the poison of his heart's creation, Danny gets back to work.
It was a slow night, not surprising considering Gotham is still recovering from a break out at Arkham. The chances of Tim showing up should be high but Red Robin hasn't been seen in the streets lately. Danny really should stop thinking about him, his core aches, but he really can't help but worry.
___________
Tim was tired of not being able to take a full breath. He never had Hanahaki disease before. Never fell this hard for someone. This unexpected event put him out of commission for anything related to the bats and the birds. He hated it but couldn't blame them, not when he let it get this bad.
Tim's petals didn't start with the first time he saw Danny but damn was it close. A cute guy that doesn't even blink at the amount of espresso shots he asked for, isn't what kept Tim drawn to Danny. No it was his snark and brain. Tim often sees him working on some engineering project. If he has time, Tim will get Danny to ramble on what he's doing. Danny was brilliant. If he wasn't a full time student, Tim would have tried to snatch him for Wayne Enterprises.
He really hoped that the rest of his family didn't catch on to his crush, but hope can only take you so far. It was Dick that called him out on it. He is also the one to text it to the sibling group chat, like the trader he is. They make bets to find the person that has Tim looking like a love sick puppy. The first petal is coughed up, unnoticed by the family of great detectives, hidden under tongue and deflective words.
Tim didn't look at the first petal, or the second or third. He refused to believe that his heart was gone this quick, before his family even had a chance to look for the boy who wanted to touch the stars. Another cough, more petals.
Jason is the one to find Danny first, surprisingly. He wasn't even trying to look either, but hey he'll take winnings anyway. Since then the rest of his siblings stalked the coffee shop for the boy to make sure he was good for Tim. Honestly Tim wouldn't be surprised if Bruce knew what was happening and was helping them.
The commotion of his siblings hid his flowering lungs well, but at this point denial was useless. Tim fell hard for Danny, a cute boy with a brilliant mind to match. Tim coughs hard. Lungs rattling as a whole handful of petals fall from his mouth to his dinner plate past his poorly cupped hands. Everyone stops around him, it's silent. Tim for the first time looked at the petals from his lungs, white Chrysanthemums are the flowers suffocating him. Concerned chaos enraptured him.
Bruce pulls him from patrol, even after Arkum's break out. Everyone is walking on eggshells around him, well almost everyone. Jason doesn't feel the irrational guilt of worsting Tim's flower with teasing and the like. Tim may hate the situation he got himself into but at least someone is being sensible about it, (unlike himself).
It's around the time he would stop in to see Danny as Red Robin, when Jason checks in on him. Tim is coughing up whole flower heads, their roots pulling at the inside of his lungs with a long stinging sensation that turns into a stab with each convulsion. Hands hold him upright as the petals stop falling from his mouth.
Jason looks worried before sighing, his face shifting to a shit eating smirk. "It's been a week and here I thought you are smart enough to confess"
"You just saw me cough up a garden and that's what you say to me? Unbelievable!" Tim flat start is barely held as he fights a slightly hysterical laugh.
"Really living life here, Timbo. How's those flowers tasting? Not good I assume but clearly you like them enough to keep them so fucking long"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. I should confess and shit, but I'm on mandatory bed rest. If Alfred catches me going out, I think I'll die from the disappointment."
Jason smirks turns smug "Good thing I already told him I was taking you out so you can take care of your sad love life. Come on let's go before your boy toy’s shift ends"
This sends Tim into a panic. He is nowhere near ready to go outside the manor least of all talk to Danny, but Jason doesn't care. He throws Tim over his shoulder and turns to walk out of Tim's room.
"Wait! Wait! Wait!!" Tim pleads "I'm not even sure if Danny likes guys and I'm not meeting him looking like I've been dying the past week!"
"The dying thing is true and you know it but I guess you can get changed." Jason relents, setting Tim down. "Be out by my bike in 10 or I'm hunting you down"
Tim scurries to his closet. Okay, he's doing this. To think that out of all of his siblings it would be Jason that finally gets him to confess. Tim is going to make him pay for his coffee when this is all over.
___________
Danny's shift is almost over, and there is still no sign of Red Robin. Not seeing him for a week shouldn't worry him this much, Tim could be on a business trip for all Danny knows. Actually he would know, Tim has a habit of complaining about having to leave for them.
His core burns as a red vapor starts to trickle up his throat. Hanahaki disease shouldn't be taking over his lungs this fast, but life decided to deal him a bad hand. Danny painfully swallows the vapor. He just has to make it to the end of his shift, he'll call Jazz for help then.
He is resting his head on the counter with his eyes closed, trying to manage the blooming pain. He is the only one here tonight besides his manager Anna. The bell above the door rings out into the quiet shop. He stands up from his resting position putting on his customer service smile.
Tim is standing just in the door. Their blue eyes meet and red vapor fills his burning lungs. Danny is going to drown in petals and green flaked blood. Danny starts coughing hard, not even trying to hide the bloody petals falling from his lips, nor the vapor rolling up into the air.
Tim rushes to the counter, his own petals starting to fall from him. At the same time Danny's manager walks out from the back, stopping him from vaulting over the counter. She looks startled before seeing their collection of petals.
"Danny, you can take the rest of your shift off. I'll cover the rest just to figure your shit out before you come in next okay." She says while helping Danny up.
He glances at Tim then back at her before nodding. "Okay, I'll clean the mess-"
"No. I got it, plus I think that you'll only make it worse at the moment." She gives him a small smile, while shoo-ing to the back so he can grab his things.
"Well, since you are waiting for him, is there anything I can get you?" She asked.
Oh right Tim forgot Jason was there. His brain shut off when he saw Danny crumple from a familiar cough. The red vapor and amount of blood mixed with the petals was concerning but hopefully that will be fixed after this. Petals fill his mouth as he orders him and Danny coffee. Pushing Jason to the counter to pay as they discussed (argued) on the way there.
Danny comes out the same time their order is done. Tim grabs the drinks and walks up to the cause of the flowers blooming in his lungs. Danny looks nervous, but smiles at Tim with slightly bloody teeth anyway. That shouldn't be hot. Tim blushes as he holds back the worst of his coughs. Petals puff out of his mouth like the first fallen leaves in autumn caught in the wind. Danny giggles as his own bloody petals fall.
"Man, I guess we got each other huh." Danny sighs
"Yeah, wanna talk about it? It's a little late to take you out for dinner, unless you want Batburger?" Tim leads Danny out of the coffee shop, leaving Jason behind.
"Batburger for a first date doesn't sound too bad." Danny grins, and the pull in his lungs disappears. The last of the Chrysanthemums petals leave his mouth. He looks at Danny hoping to see the same, but Danny looks anxious and in pain still.
"But, before that there's something I have to tell you. If we are doing this it would be unfair for you to not know" Danny takes a deep breath and turns to look at Tim. He really shouldn't tell Tim but he'll have to trust him.
"I'm half ghost. I had a lab accident when I was younger that killed me but brought me back… mostly. Now I can turn into a ghost and have ghost power. Also fangs but that's less important and I'm rambling now. Please say something."
Tim blinked "Well that wasn't what I was expecting but at this point, it could be worse. I believe and accept you. We can talk more about that later in a different place." Tim said, looking hopefully at Danny.
The burning in Danny's lungs stopped with one last drag of red vapor and bloody petals fall from his lips. He relaxes and takes Tim's hand.
"Good, because the flowers that were in my lungs are like one of the only thing that can kill ghosts and they fucking burned. Anyway, where is the nearest Batburger?" Danny says, casual as ever.
"Wait, WHAT!!"
#dp x dc#danny fenton#danny phantom#tim drake#dc x dp#brain dead#dp x dc crossover#dp x dc prompt#tim drake x danny fenton#hanahaki#blood blossums#tw blood#danny phantom au#ao3 link#Petals and Arrays of The Dead and Those Yet To Be#Writing on the walls
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indierune au by @aspisera
so hold on hear me out, let me cook, au explanation:
okay so theyre future versions of themselves. Theyre past the dark worlds, the legend, hell maybe its even post-roaring idk i mean i could ask but i think its better when i claim something i do not know as fact. DUDE WHAT IF ITS LIKE A POST APOCALYPTIC INDIE BAND. aw man i shoulda drawn them on roaring-torn land. anyways theyre in a punk indie band called "Tamarisk" with Spamton (kris' pair of glasses) and Jevil (susie's microphone). After finally getting a gig, turns out its 3 towns over. So they pack up in their rusty green van and drive (ryan gosling reference). They get tuckered out from the travelling and take a nap in their car at a pitstop, but Spimgleton wakes Kris up to alert them of a mysterious figure that followed them. Thats about all the official facts i know.
now what I COOKED UP:
Kris tries to start up the car to drive away from the creep but it makes no noise so they want to check the engine but they decide to wait in the car for like half an hour just to be safe before waking up Susie and asking her to help them check the engine, but doesnt tell her about the stalker. and BOOM they find a dark world in their engine. Susie suspects Kris cause Kris is still a recovering dark world addict, even though it kinda caused the world to end/COULD cause the world to end.
might make a part two, i didnt even get to draw their stage outfits.
i really like this au.
#deltarune#deltarune au#indierune au#indierune#kris dreemurr#kris deltarune#susie deltarune#deltarune fanart#utdr#utdr fanart#utdr au#this might be my magnum opus
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Keep You From The Cold
First KIll (Prompt B1 )
Warnings: Vampire Eddie Munson, Blood and Gore, Gore, Serial Killers, Angst, Love, Fluff, Body Horror, Blood and Injury, Blood, Implied Sexual Content, Intimacy, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Word Count: 9,155
@eddiemunsonbingo
AO3 Link
Steve tastes delicious.
No.
Eddie scribbles it out in his brain.
Steve is delectable. His blood tastes so good he must be descended from the bloodline of the gods themselves. If he could, it would be all Eddie would consume for the rest of his immortal life because he’s never tasted anything that was wholly satisfying and never enough, all in the exact rapturous moment. Maybe a Reese's peanut butter cup might be close from his mortal life, but in this life, the stuff that keeps Steve alive and Eddie functioning is his greatest addiction, or at least that’s what he thought.
Lately, he can feel something else that he yearns for, and for the longest time, he cannot explain it. It always happens when Steve is in a post-pleasure haze, and Eddie is feeding because those times are when he tastes so good it makes Eddie's eyes roll back into his head and sends heated shocks of pins and needles all over his usually wintry pallid body. As if he’s consuming Steve’s sensations for his own, and as those feelings flow through him like he’s radiating pure bliss from the inside out, he’ll hit that peak with a full body jolt that makes him unwillingly detach and throw his head back.
Then right there, both of them dumbfounded and hazy, the darkest want of Eddie’s creeps its way to the front of his mind. Infernal invisible voices hiss their forked tongues into his ears, whispering at him to do the unthinkable, begging him to keep going. Just a little more. It won’t hurt him. Eddie knows its lies as he looks down at his lover. No, not simply his lover, his love, his heart, his cosmos, his reason for staying and not walking out into the sunlight the first chance he gets, because of the mere thoughts that Steve will grow old and he will not, torturously flay what is left of his very soul to ribbons. But no matter how he feels for Steve or how hard he fights it every single time, the temptation is always there.
Part of him doesn’t want to feed from anyone else. It wouldn’t be the same, it would feel like being unfaithful almost, but Eddie wants to take more with each feed. The problem is Steve always lets him, and each time he can see, it takes longer for Steve to recover. He’s so tired these days.
So Eddie’s tried spreading out the feeds, but that only makes him more hungry, desperate and irresponsible when the time comes, and those agonisingly tempting demonic voices only get louder.
Eddie knows what they want, and he’s suspected for some time that it is more than immortality that is the catch to this whole vampire thing. He’d never want to tell Steve or anyone, for that matter, but he has a hunger for power and control that no humanoid should have. He desires to take something’s life. And that goes against the very core of who Eddie is, or maybe that should be, was.
The only times Eddie had ever lashed out were in defence. He literally would not hurt a fly. Since he was a kid, Eddie was the bug-remover, self-appointed because he couldn't stand to see any of them get killed by a rogue newspaper, swatter or spray. Even when he’d been on the run, he only fought to survive, and even then, it wouldn’t have been to kill. It was simply to allow enough time to get away again.
The excuse he gives to Steve is that he’s concerned about feeding on him all the time. He should find other sources and save Steve for special occasions. It's a stupidly lame excuse, and at first, Steve protests, but then he ultimately buys it, but that's a pro to this vampire gig. The deception came easily, and people fell over themselves to believe you. He thought it might be some kind of subconscious hypnosis, but vampire lore was so varied it was difficult to know what to believe, and with no other fanged friends around to ask, it was very much reading plus trial and error. Even with a pile of excuses, it still feels wrong to deceive Steve, but the alternative is more than Eddie can bear. He can’t imagine the horror on his face if he told him the truth.
Eddie creates a code that allows him to eliminate only those whose absence could lead to a better world. He has a history of misjudging people, and being a vampire does not provide a clear distinction between good and bad people, only their current thoughts.
The other thing about telepathy is people don’t always think linearly. Some people have a thought, and then another will jump in on that making an impossible garbled mess, like many voices talking at once. Like the time he was practising with Robin and all she needed to do was think of a colour, and she totally did, it was lilac, but then Eddie could hear everything else. How some people believed it was bad luck to bring indoors, or how the scent of it was intoxicating, like Nancy’s perfume, she was sure there might be lilac or violets in that, or how the god pan had chased a nymph who disguised herself as a lilac tree. Robin wished she could pursue her nymph through Ancient Greece and…
“Oh my god, stop! Stop thinking! Jesus H Christ, it’s lilac,” Eddie remembers whimpering in distress and immediately stomping over to Steve, who was washing up at the sink, for a reassuring hug, “It's fucking lilac,” Eddie mumbled buried between Steve’s shoulder blades, who instantly dropped what he was doing and turned around to comfort him in an embrace.
“Robin! What did you do?” Steve scolded as he stroked over Eddie’s newly impossibly soft hair.
“I thought of a colour, just like he asked me to,” she protested, and Eddie turned his head to look at her and frowned deeply. He thinks about it, exposing her secret crush on Nancy because the pain in his head from all the overlapping thoughts he’d just consumed was awful, but when they lock eyes, she realises and blinks nervously, and her eyes shift to Steve. So he doesn’t say a word about it. He just tries to unlink their minds as quickly as possible.
So Eddie needed to enlist help, someone who could point him in the right direction, and that’s how he’d found himself here in the night's still.
Eddie smooths down his clothes. He hasn’t gone too fancy. He just made himself palatable. A plain black T-shirt with no scary band name or imagery on it. A not yet ripped pair of black Levi’s that Steve got for him, and on account of the walk from the roadside, his black army surplus boots. He could check how he looks in the window reflection but doesn’t for two reasons, he can’t see it (so that little nugget of lore was correct), and he’s had it confirmed by Robin Buckley, non-man-eater herself, that he was now beautiful.
He reaches out to knock at the door. It swings open with no one there, and Eddie steps inside. Calls out cautiously in the dimly lit living room, “Helloooooo, anyone home?” there is no reply for a few seconds until a face appears out of a door frame, nearly scaring him half to death, well, if he wasn’t technically dead already.
He smiles wide at the beaming face and curled hair of the girl in front of him and bows low, “Master Jedi Jane.”
“Pretty Dead Eddie,” She giggles, returns the bow and laughs as she disappears back into her room and re-emerges with some comic books.
Eddie flops down onto the sofa, “Where’s your Dad? I saw his car out front.”
“In the bathroom,” she nods towards it, copies Eddie’s flop down onto the sofa next to him, throws the comics in his lap, turns towards the bathroom, and yells, “Dad!! Eddie is here!!”
He’s probably not supposed to listen, but he heightens his hearing, anyway. An excellent vampire ability probably evolved for hunting, provided you remember deactivating it.
“God dammit, what the fuck do I need to do to take a shit in peace around here?” There is a shuffling of fabric and a flush, and then, “Now she’s invited Count Rockula in. He can just swan on in here any time he likes!” Eddie giggles, and Jane looks up at him with a big smile.
“You were spying!” She grins knowingly.
“Maybe,” Eddie says quietly with a big grin, “How could you tell?”
Jane cups her ear and makes a twitch motion, “Your ear moved, and you were staring straight at the door, not discreet,” she rolls her eyes.
Thoroughly charmed by her lack of apprehension around him and how far she’s come on the journey from lab experiment to superhero high schooler, he replies, “I’ll be sure to work on it,” chuckling he picks up the first comic and straight away Jane is raving about it in her earnest way. She was a great kid, he tried not to, but often he felt so sorry for her after everything she must have been through.
“Munson,” Hopper says casually with a nod whilst Jane sends a little frown his way, “Sorry, old habit. How are ya, Eddie? Things going ok with…” Hopper trails off a little.
“What with being undead? Yeah, it’s going ok. Well, there is this tiny thing I was hoping to speak to you about, actually.” Eddie gives a charming grin, which affects Hopper less than everyone else. Maybe he had vampire hunter blood or something? Eddie represses the urge to sniff the air to avoid freaking anyone out.
“And this couldn’t wait until tomorrow?”
“Uh, it could, but, um, I’d be back here at exactly the same time tomorrow. This is the earliest I can venture out at the moment on account of the sun and all,” Eddie waves a hand gracefully through the air, the movement of which seems to capture the entirety of Hopper’s attention until he shakes it off.
“Ok, shoot,” he shrugs and folds his arms.
Eddie’s eyes cast to Jane for a second, “Sorry, master Jedi, I’d just rather you didn’t hear some of this. It’s unpleasant.” Her shoulders fall, and she looks disheartened. Gathering her comics, she heads back to her room, and Eddie knows it’s for the best but feels like a complete asshole excluding her.
Eddie tells Hopper everything, he’d pull punches, but he is desperate, and he knows the truth will get him further with this guy than any deception ever could. Obviously doesn’t tell him the intimate details, just the fact he only feeds from a willing Steve, but he’s worried about its effect on him, but also the effect on Eddie when he does feed.
Jim leans back, running his hands through his hair, “Shit, Eddie,” he looks him up and down, “So, how can I help? Are you asking me to be lunch? Because I don’t think Joyce would be ok with that. Honestly, I don’t think I’m ok with that!”
Eddie snorts out a laugh, “You’re quite safe from my Menu. I’ll just get to the point. Do you know of any persons around here that, I dunno,” he shrugs, “The world would be a better place without?”
Hopper's eyes widen, “You want me to give you an execution list?”
“Well, now that’s a little dramatic,” Eddie tries to brush it off.
“Is it, though?” Hopper pushes further.
“I get how it sounds, but I can’t make that call myself. What if I make the wrong one? You know this place. You know the people that got away with things they shouldn’t. That’s why I came to ask you and not the bartender in town, like some D&D quest,” Eddie’s voice is a mix of desperate pleading and feigned confidence. He’s trying his best not to give into his baser instincts to hypnotise Hopper into just telling him.
“Eddie,” he waits until he’s looking him directly in the eyes, “You don’t want this on your conscience, believe me. And honestly, I don’t want this on mine either, maybe. What about blood bags from the hospital?”
“Yeah, because that’s so much better. Stealing from people who might need that to survive,” he snips. Doesn’t mean to. He’s just frustrated and getting hungry.
“Yep, you’re right. That was stupid,” he huffs and slaps his knees as he stands, “let me get back to you tomorrow, ok, kid?”
Eddie nods in thanks. It was better than a straight-up no, at least, and he takes Hopper’s standing as a sign to leave.
At the door, Eddie turns back, “Thanks, man, I know it’s a wild request, I just…I don’t wanna hurt anyone that doesn’t deserve it,” he looks up into Hopper’s eyes sadly and mainly mumbles, “Steve doesn’t deserve any more hurt, right? Even if he keeps offering.”
Hopper shakes his head, “I won’t say a word, and I will look into it for you. I promise!” He holds onto the door, “Say, is that whole invite into the house thing real?”
“Nah, I can go where I want, but I swear to never come into your home unless it’s an emergency or someone opens the door first, Hop,” Eddie means it too, and Hopper salutes him goodbye.
He leaves a little disappointed he doesn't have an obvious target, but Hopper would either come back with a name or something else he wouldn’t let him down. He hadn’t so far. Hasn't even tried to stake Eddie in his sleep or anything.
“Psst,” Eddie stops in his tracks and looks around towards the voice slowly and wide-eyed. It didn't matter that he could probably destroy most people that came at him. He was jumpy by nature. It would take a long time to unlearn it, “Eddie, I know you can hear me.” He pivots on his heel and runs far too quickly towards the voice.
“What are you doing out here in the middle of the night? This place could be full of creeps!” he says with alarm, looking seriously at Jane. Then he sees it, the red streak under her nose. He bites his lips together and pushes the primal hunger down, “You’ve been doing your own spying, I see? What listening against the door with a glass not good enough for you?” He offers her his arm, “Let's get you back home.”
She doesn't take it. Folds her arms and taps her foot, “You think there is a single person in Hawkins who I could not fight and win?”
Eddie considers this, “Well, now you mention it…. But, even so. Your dad would go crazy if he knew you were out here talking to me and not in your room where you should be!” He says in a stern parental-type voice he didn't know he had in him. Steve’s doing, no doubt.
She frowns deeply at Eddie, “I can help you. I know lots!”
Eddie looks sadly at the ground and has no doubt this poor kid knows enough bad people to feed Eddie for the rest of his life, but to put the gun in her hand is unfair. He didn't want her to blame herself for anything. He puts his hand up to touch her shoulder, thinks better of it and stops. Yeah, she could blast him into next week, but she’s still a teenage girl, “Listen, sweetheart, I appreciate it, but it’s complicated. The people at the lab. I know they’re bad and given the green light. I’d slay every last one of them for you, but it's all government bullshit, and honestly, I don't want them snooping around any of us ever again. Especially not you.” He hopes she can read his earnestness.
She searches his eyes, sighs, admitting defeat, and starts walking with him back to the house, “You know what though, Double J, I’m gonna ask Steve to make sure to get you something nice next time you all go get groceries, because even though I can’t accept your help. I’m really honoured you tried.” He clasps his hands to the centre of his chest and beams.
Jane stops dead in her tracks, “I know a bad man, Eddie.”
“I heard you first time, honey. I get it, you-” he steps forward, but she doesn't follow.
“Eddie, I know a bad man that wanted to hurt Steve,” He doesn't mean to, but Eddie’s head snaps around so fast at the words it makes Jane flinch. He blinks quickly and tries to shake off whatever that was, “At the store. The bad man is at the store. He puts sugar packets in the drinks and hurts people. He wants to hurt Steve.” Eddie blinks rapidly now, trying to put any of this together in his head, “He talks to us for too long. He grabs Steve sometimes.” She reaches out, grips the back of his upper arm, and lets go.
The first thing he feels is the plummeting of his stomach, then the hard stretch of his mouth into a sneer, his hands balled into tight fists, and it feels a lot like normal jealousy or anger. That is until a white-hot heat of pure rage surges through his body. Then he hears them. Those voices in his ear. Not Steve. Our Steve. He’s ours. Only ours. It feels like the entirety of his insides are twisting and squeezing against one another to the point of rupture, letting the venom spill until it saturates every part of him.
“Who is he?” Eddie says in a voice he doesn't recognise, “Where is this fiend?” he tilts his head in an unnatural snapping motion, and Jane looks a little scared with her hand slightly raised in front of her.
“I can find him. I just need to go inside.” She says a little shakily.
“No searching!” Eddie snaps, “You will bleed!” He’s almost scaring himself, he doesn't feel in control, but he is. His voice isn’t his. He’d never snap at Jane like this. It’s like he’s in the passenger seat and is reaching over, barely getting his fingers to the controls. “Show me him. Show me what you know,” he growls.
Eddie uses his powers to see what Jane knows; clear as day, he can see through her eyes. She and Steve are at the store. He’s talking about the importance of a nutritious breakfast and that she can’t live on waffles alone. Her eyes snap to the end of the aisle to a man, not that much older than himself, taller, kinda plain looking, but he holds himself oddly. As Steve reaches up for something on the top shelf, the guy swoops in and hands Steve the box. He’s chatting away, pushing up the glasses that are sliding down his nose, and though Jane might not be able to tell, Eddie certainly can tell exactly why this guy is looking Steve up and down like that.
He can feel the fear in Jane. He can feel her charging herself up to use her power against this guy. To get him away from Steve, but she’s looking around. She's scared too.
Then his hand pats Steve’s arm.
A fresh batch of fury pulses through his body like his skeleton wants to explode out of its flesh prison, and all the while, those inner voices are chanting, ‘He’s ours.’
Steve pulls his arm away sharply, glares at the guy, and turns back to Jane, busying her out of the aisle.
Then Eddie sees, well, nothing. It's completely dark here, save for glints of light off something on the floor. Then the guy comes back into view, sitting on a stool beside a bar. It's crowded with people, but the bar and its seats are isolated. The place has no walls, roof, floor, or anything else, just like a solitary stage set in a space devoid of anything else. He tips something into one drink and hands it to the unsuspecting guy next to him.
It goes dark again.
But Eddie can hear it, the sawing. He can see the back of the man hunched over a bathtub that is finely sprayed in red, and then he holds it up, the head of the guy at the bar.
He’s seen enough.
The urgency still surges through him, but he feels more himself, and Jane doesn't look so scared now.
“Hey, I’m sorry about that. I did not mean to scare you, ok? I never want to do that.” Eddie says, crouching a little, making himself smaller than her.
“That is ok. I understand. Sometimes the anger is too big. It cannot stay inside.” She says softly, empathetically, even if her words are blocky and stiff.
“Is that why you always ask to go to the store with Steve? Because of this man?” Eddie asks, trying his best not to spit out the word man because this vile excuse for a creature makes the bile rise in him without effort.
Jane nods, and he curses his past self for getting annoyed that this kid, who had been through so much, kept calling his house every day to see if Steve was going shopping. He thought it was just because Steve could be a bit of a pushover with certain kids, and he’d spoil her, and all this time, she was protecting him. He can’t tell Steve, but if he did, he’s certain he’d pinch the bridge of his nose and leave the room to do some chore that didn’t need doing.
Eddie smiles carefully. “Listen to me, whatever happens. I chose this, not you. You understand me?” She nods, and Eddie mirrors it to seal the pact. “Enormous and contained.” He says but is met with confusion. “A word for too big could be enormous, and when something can’t stay inside something, it cannot be contained.” She blinks a few times and smiles up at him.
“Got it,” she says as he walks her back to the house. They stop just under her window. Eddie studies her face. A concern wells up in him.
“Do not spy on me tonight. Promise me.”
“I promise.” She says back, and he has to trust that.
“Need a boost up to the window?” He says, dropping his hands in front of him for her to step into. She laughs quietly and steps in, wriggling back through her window into her room, “Be good.” he points at her and smirks. She’s a teenager, she's not supposed to behave, but he knows it's the right thing to say.
“Be careful.” She says as her eyebrows push together, and she waves him goodbye.
Eddie makes quick work of tracking this guy down. There is no grey area here. This guy was evil incarnate. He has to go, and Eddie could do that. Needed to do that.
He figures he doesn't have to worry too much about wearing himself out tonight because he is gonna feast on this monster, and there was something about knowing that and the fact he was ridding the world of someone terrible that excites him.
As the van pulls up outside the supermarket. Eddie mists his way inside the office and gets the details he needs. Heads directly for the address, does not pass go, does not collect $200, and does not call Steve, even though he knows he really should. He’d be worried. He’d let future Eddie deal with an annoyed boyfriend. Besides, he didn't have the brain space right now to develop a good cover story.
He gets to the apartment complex and, with no time to waste, again uses his mist form to bypass being buzzed in and up by the door. He could easily sneak under the door and attack the guy, but he wanted to savour his revenge.
He knocks politely, but his insides are bubbling with hostility.
The door opens enough for him to make out a sliver of the guy, who, of course, has put the chain across. He, of all people, knows how dangerous it is out there.
“Oh shit. Sorry, man.” Eddie looks away with a laugh before leaning his hand against the door frame and leaning in a little. “I was looking for Joey? Is he here?”
He watches the man slowly push up his spectacles and trail his eyes over Eddie. The simmering disgust within him threatens to boil over, but he stays in character. Returns the ocular assessment, undeniably licks over his bottom lip, and tilts his head with a smirk. “Or maybe I don’t need to find Joey so quickly?” He runs his slightly lengthened fingernails in a caress down the door frame, then turns his eyes back to the slice of a man and raises an eyebrow. “Are you looking for company this evening?” He locks eyes, or rather eye, with the guy. He’s not been brave enough to take the chain off yet. Eddie takes a hand out of his pocket and runs it down his own abdomen slowly until he can hook a thumb behind his belt buckle, tugging it down slightly.
If he has to, he'll use his powers to get in, but he’d rather not waste any further energy at this point when he just wants to utilise it all to tear this thing apart. Eddie tuts, goes to move away, and he hears the chain move hurriedly. The guy holds the door open wide, Eddie swings a stride in and he locks the door behind him.
The place is at odds with itself, much like the man who lived here, the unassuming-looking homicidal maniac. It is weirdly tidy, like a picture out of a furniture catalogue, but there is no fake plastic merriment of models here. Just dingy lighting and the most odious smell.
Eddie takes a stroll around and pretends to be impressed. “Nice place you got here….” he lets the pause hang in the air and looks encouragingly over to him.
“A-Andrew,” he flusters a little, “You wanna drink? I got beers in the fridge or some bourbon?”
“Nice to meet you, Andy,” Eddie grins as he flops down onto the sofa. “Sure, why the hell not? I'm sure one little drink won't hurt, bourbon on the rocks,” he work-laughs, knowing full well that all it would take is one drink. He’s not sure if he would be immune to that stuff or not, but he’s not about to test it out now.
Eddie checks his watch. He’d be home from Hopper’s by now. Steve would know that. He doesn't have time to drag this out.
Andy is back not a minute later with their drinks and sits down right next to Eddie, which he acknowledges as an extremely bold move for someone as nervous as he appeared to be moments ago.
“I didn't get your name?” Andy asks, as his eyes zig-zag all over Eddie.
Eddie leans close to his ear, draping an arm around him, “I think you know my boyfriend,” he purrs as he glides the cold glass slowly down Andy’s cheek.
“F-figures you’d have a boyfriend,” he looks slightly disappointed, “I don’t know many guys. I'm-meet ‘em once in a club, and then they just vanish on me, ya know?”
Eddie is glad he’s so close right now because he’s not entirely sure he has the capacity to hide the ire on his face at that comment. He takes a second to let the fires in him die down a little, “Is that what you’re looking for, Andy? A boyfriend?” he croons in his ear.
“Yeah. Course. Love, ya know, someone that won’t leave ya,” his voice is drowsy, almost like he’d drugged himself, but Eddie knows it's just their proximity affecting him. Andy’s hand reaches for a strand of Eddie’s hair and curls it around his finger, and it takes all of his resistance not to hiss at this guy and rip his hand off, but he stills because he wants this guy to know. He wants this guy’s last thoughts to be, I should never have fucked around with that guy in the store, and Eddie hopes for Andy there is an afterlife where he can tell all the fiery demons of hell, whatever house he haunts, whatever bug he returns as or wherever he ends up, that no one messes with Steve Harrington, “Where do I know your boyfriend from? Is it Joey? Cus I don't know a Joey, and I’ve lived here a real long time.”
“No,” Eddie says innocently, “You know him from the store you work at,” he brushes Andy’s hair away from his neck and rubs the tip of his nose against it accidentally when he leans in to smell his blood as it pumps faster through the vessels there.
“You know I work at the store?” Eddie feels the guy bristle, “I don't know any guys there, apart from the ones I work with, and they’re all s-s-straight,” he stutters over his words as Eddie lets the tip of his tongue seek out to taste the perfect puncture point.
“Sure you do, Andy Pandy, sure you know my guy,” Eddie whispers, “He’s really pretty, tall, strong looking. Great ass,” Eddie sucks in a breath through his teeth. He can almost see the artery and vein pulsing under there, snuggled up together, ripe for the taking. He ghosts a breath over where his tongue touched his flesh and feels Andy shudder against him, “You couldn’t miss him. He’s beautiful.”
A stuttered breath leaves Andy before his words do, and it only makes Eddie want to rip him limb from limb more, “Oh god, yeah, I know that guy, comes in with a girl, buys a lot of waffles. I always help him get that real expensive muesli off the top shelf. He can n-never quite get it,” Eddie hums and runs the cool glass along his prey’s jaw.
“Bet he tries really hard though, doesn’t he, Andy, huh? Bet he reaches up so high, stretches out those long elegant fingers of his, and his little sweater rides up an inch or two, doesn’t it?” Eddie’s hushed voice spills over his pouted lips that almost ghost against his throat. He hears a deep groan spill from the man beside him as he nods shakily.
“He does, yeah, every time,” he’s almost panting. It’s disgusting, but Eddie continues to play along and murmurs in agreement. “You-you aren’t mad I look at your boyfriend like th-that?” he asks as he slides a hand onto Eddie’s thigh.
“Do I look mad to you, Andy?” Eddie says, bumping his nose against his neck. He feels him shake his head in a no, “It’d be real hypocritical if I got mad about that now, wouldn't it? I’m just the same, really, apart from a few things, obviously.” Eddie nips at his neck, but the guy hardly flinches, just a tiny jolt of surprise, but his pulse says differently. He’s very excited.
“Oh? What things are they?” Andy asks, but Eddie ignores the question.
“You a screamer, Dee? Are you loud?” Eddie asks, flicking his tongue against the skin again.
“No. But I-I could be. If you want that?” Eddie presses his lips against his neck to let his canines innocently graze over the area again.
“Of course, I wanna hear you scream for me, but we don’t want any of your neighbours listening in, do we?”
“They won't hear me. I soundproofed most of this place. They don’t hear me when I’m working on stuff.”
“They don't? Well, that's good because I definitely wanna hear everything spill out of you. Every. Last. Drop,” Eddie drags out his raspy unhurried words into his ear, finalising with a pop on the ‘p’.
“You haven't even tried your drink. It's pretty nice stuff. For the price anyways,” Eddie’s eyes narrow at this guy’s lacklustre attempt at becoming the hunter here, and it is enough for Eddie to be bored of playing with his food.
Eddie fakes a sigh and clambers into his lap, “Oh, how positively rude of me. You’re quite right. I haven't tried it,” Eddie rotates the cool glass in his fingertips and can see the slight foaming at the surface of the alcohol. It makes him think about all the guys that wouldn’t have spotted this, who didn’t know what a fucked up freak this guy was, who innocently sipped on this drink to be polite and ended up dismembered, but who knows what else in between.
Eddie drops his facade, narrows his eyes, and stares Andy down, “Why don't you give it a try?” he smirks before sending the glass crashing into the side of Andy’s head with such force it smashes to shards that embed into the side of his face. He tries to push Eddie away, but he can’t, but he tries, he really tries. Eddie lets out a low chuckle, letting him try to push him away, almost letting him think he succeeded twice, but then pushes him back down easily.
He throws a few punches, but Eddie has already been building himself up for this the whole time they’ve been sitting here, so it’s almost like he just absorbs them as he smiles down at him.
“What the hell, man? What the fuck did you do to my face?” Andy struggles with his words and to get free.
“Oh, no,” Eddie mocks him with a pout, “Doesn’t feel so good when you’re the helpless one, does it, Andrew?”
“Get off me, you fucking freak,” Andy pushes hard against Eddie’s chest, and he simply grins down at him and leans down harder until his forearms snap, and for a moment, there is a stunned silence as his hands are now rendered useless, followed by a piercing scream of pure terror.
As the shrill noise hits his ears, an entire wave of pleasure rushes over him. Fuck. That felt so damn good. Eddie lets out a guttural grunt. Not the same kind of good as when he feeds usually. It's different. The voices are quiet. Eerily quiet. Almost like they know something he doesn't.
“Don’t struggle now, Squealer. Just lie back and take it like a man,” Eddie cackles at his sick joke before grabbing the hair on Andy’s head and pulling it sharply to the side to expose the hiding place of his two new best friends. He hardly ever feeds from Steve here, near here, sure, but never exactly here. For fear of something going wrong, but tonight, wrong is precisely how he wanted this to go for Andy here.
He stretches his jaw out wide. It feels like it's almost about to dislocate before he rushes forward and slams his fangs into the flesh. Bites down until they meet again and wrenches his head backwards with delight, spitting out the chunk of human and leaving a fine spray of red mist up the wall and the table lamp.
He doesn't waste much time sinking his teeth back in and gorging himself on the sweet red nectar spilling and spurting out of his conquest. His screams are whimpers now, hushed, pointless and devoid of hope. There is no escape for this wretch. His fun is at an end.
Eddie feels that rush coming, the point that usually forces him off, but there is no love here, only abhorrence, and he almost feels himself leap the hurdle that generally takes him out of the game completely.
He feels the body beneath him judder and shake, and he thinks it's Andy’s last-ditch attempt at life until he realises he’s ragging on his neck like a Pitbull with a chew toy. Then he feels an urgency. A desperation to suck and bite down, as if he was trying to remove this guy’s spine through inhalation alone. His cheeks hollow, and his grip on the body beneath him crushes the bones it has settled on.
Then it happens. It feels like a warm glow enters his mouth, travels down his gullet, and settles into his stomach. Nestled in there like a little dormouse, curled up, all quaint and adorable, a stark contrast to the visual aspect of this moment, blood, death, torn flesh, crushed bones and last breaths.
This guy was not good, he was evil, yet Eddie has managed to extract something innocent and precious from him, and the word fills his mind. Soul.
He has consumed this guy's soul, and it feels so overwhelming that Eddie almost cries himself as he lets go and rocks back onto the knees of the corpse beneath him. The warm glow within him thrums. It oscillates in size like it's breathing until there is a popping sensation, and Eddie thinks something is very wrong. He staggers to his feet as whatever it is spreads throughout him. He feels a pain in his back and feels overheated, unbearably so.
He hurriedly removes his jacket as excruciating pain runs in two strips on either side of his spine, making him fall to his knees, Eddie claws at his hair as it feels like a million bugs scurry beneath his skin, and the searing ache continues its relentless persecution.
He folds to the floor, the smell of bleach in his nostrils and droplets of blood spill from his eyes, and as the pain hits its peak, Eddie feels nothing. Only hears the tearing of fabric, and a vast shadow cascades over him.
He feels afraid of what might have burst out of him. What terribly monstrosity had formed from feeding on this vessel of pure evil.
Eddie can feel something there but tries to shake it off. It doesn't budge; he reaches behind his back to grab at it, freezing immediately when his fingers get to the root of it, turning his head a little as he does.
Nothing has budded from Eddie, and there is no other demon, creature, or otherwise lurking behind him. What he finds in its place is entirely unexpected.
Wings. A set of leathery but delicately scaffolded wings. The colour faded from the flesh on his back to a mottled grey, burgundy and abstract black arrangement. He gasps and should be horrified, but he is in awe and adores them.
This might take a lot more explaining than simply being late.
After figuring out the basics of folding these things away out of sight and spreading them back out, Eddie tried to make the scene look as accidental as possible and headed home.
It was late, and the drive was pretty peaceful, which honestly was awful. He could have done with some sub-par road users to fill his mind with insults because this quiet left him with the same stupid thought.
I should be more bothered by taking another life.
Scarily, he wasn’t. The logical thought path was there, but there was no emotion to it, making him feel hideous. Is this what he was to become now? Unfeeling? Cruel? Violent? A monster?
He pulls up outside the house and sneaks in quietly, using his powers instead of his keys. He feels fully charged enough. Like he might not need to eat for the next week or something, maybe longer, or at least he hopes so.
He is not a step into the living room when a lamp flicks on, “And just where have you been?” Steve’s voice is stern.
“I told you, I went to Hopper’s, and then I went to see if I could find something to eat,” Eddie tries to keep to the truth. He doesn’t want to lie to Steve, but he also doesn’t want to burden him with any of this.
Steve is out of the armchair and turns towards him but keeps his distance. One hand at his hip the other twisted so he can look at his watch for effect. It would be far too dark for him to see the face of it in the low light.
Eddie offers a small smile and moves towards him, but Steve steps back and raises a hand out to stop him. He wants them to be apart, and that realisation is almost enough to make Eddie panic. Ouch. Not once since they got together has this happened. Not when either of them were sick, sweaty, smelly, gross, grubby or annoying the hell out of one another. There had never been a reason good enough for them to not accept the other until now.
“It doesn’t take nearly five hours to do that, Eddie. So I’ll ask you again, where have you been?” Eddie goes to speak, and Steve quickly raises a finger, “No powers, no lies!”
Eddie attempts to deflect, “Could you keep your voice down at least? You’ll wake Robin,” he folds his arms as if to bolster this weak attempt at being annoyed.
Steve cups his hands to his mouth and bellows, “ROBIN ISN'T HERE TONIGHT. SO I CAN BE AS LOUD AS I FUCKING WELL WANT!” his hands go back to his hips as he sets his jaw, and his tongue pushes along the inside of his lip in annoyance.
“Can we talk about this tomorrow?” Eddie tries something else, ducks his head to avoid Steve’s eyes and out of pure shame of what he might have become tonight. He walks past Steve towards the stairs and gently brushes his arm to take it. The usual indicator that Eddie wanted him to join him. Steve pulls his arm away sharply, and it feels like a stab to his heart, so he keeps walking to the stairs until he hears a soft thud and a sniffle.
Eddie looks over his shoulder, even though the pure dread in his stomach is urging him to keep walking and not look at what he’s done. Steve isn’t pinching the bridge of his nose or walking away into another room to hide it. He’s down to his knees on the floor with his face in his hands and really crying. His body shakes with each hiccup noise that leaves him, and Eddie can’t bear it.
He rushes down the stairs, skids to his knees to take hold of Steve’s hands to pull them away from his face, and by some miracle, Steve doesn’t pull away. He just looks up at Eddie with those big beautiful eyes filled with tears, and it makes him feel like the very shit on the shoe of the scum of the earth.
With his hands out of the way, Eddie uses his own to hold Steve’s face, his thumbs desperately trying to wipe away the torrent of tears. He wants to say something, but the words won’t come, but Steve beats him to the punch.
“Were they better than me? Is that why you were so long?” Steve manages through intermittent sobs.
Eddie closes his eyes slowly in realisation, and he almost wants to punch himself in the face with how mad he is that Steve has probably been thinking about all sorts of gut-wrenching scenarios for the last few hours, all by himself.
“No, sweetheart. No! Never!” As he ducks his head down to capture his attention again, he says, “It wasn't like that at all. I swear.” He throws his arms around him and grips him tightly. Kisses his face and hair so many times he loses count like it could be the last time because it might be because right there, he resolves to tell Steve everything.
Eddie guides him to his feet and seats them both on the sofa. He holds and soothes Steve until he calms down until he’s no longer a limp weight in his arms.
“I didn't do what you think. I would honestly rather starve to death and disintegrate to fucking dust than do that to you,” Eddie tries again to hammer that home as they both sit up and then he creates a little space between them. It is barely a foot away but it might as well be the Mariana Trench.
He’s still tightly gripping Steve’s hand between them like it’s his last tether to all of this. He swallows hard, pats the back of it, and moves away. With his eyes still on their hands, he reconfirms, “I didn’t cheat on you. I didn’t prefer it. It wasn’t like what we do, not even close,” then raises his eyes to Steve’s red-rimmed ones, “But I did do something terrible, and now I think-I think I’m bad, Steve, like evil, a monster.” He sees Steve's fingers twitch toward his own, and then they settle back on the seat cushion.
“Can you tell me? Please?” Steve asks quietly.
“I’m scared. I’m scared you’ll go, and I know that's selfish as shit. I know you aren’t a thing I can just keep,“ Eddie looks to the ceiling for help, as a tear he can’t restrain drops from his eye, “You deserve to know. To make your own choice.”
“You’re right. I do.” Steve says gently, and though the fear coursing through him is worse than anything he’s ever felt, worse than a swarm of demobats, worse than seeing Chrissy snap to pieces on his ceiling, he tells Steve everything. The feelings he had when he was only feeding on Steve, the talk he had with Hopper and Jane, how angry and possessive he felt, how he got into that guy's home, how he’d lured the guy in, the feeding, the soul, the wings, all the stuff he found in the guy’s apartment afterwards, and how on the way home he didn't feel remorse for ending that guy, not one bit, even though he knew he should.
“I’m a monster now, Steve. The darkness is just spreading in me, you know? I should feel bad, shouldn’t I? I killed something!” Eddie drags his hand down his face and corrects himself, “I killed someone. Good or bad. I took their life. You know? What if it gets worse? What if all this evil just keeps spreading? Until I’m as bad as that guy, or worse?” Eddie doesn't look at him when he’s finished spilling his guts. He doesn't want Steve to stay out of sympathy. There is a long silence. It feels like forever, but in reality, it's probably only seconds, but everything already feels so cold and distant.
He hears Steve take a deep breath. It has a slight shudder to it, and Eddie expects the worst, “I don't want you to be kind about this, Steve, ok? Don’t lie to me. I can go. I would never hurt you or anyone we care about just because we can’t be together. Just be honest, and we’ll go from there, yeah?” He ensures his words are careful and gentle. Though he could roar with the pain of his heart being torn asunder, he’s proud that at least this is the best thing he can do. Assure Steve he has a safe get-out-of-jail-free card, and Eddie won't darken his or anyone around here’s doorway again.
“You want me to be completely honest?” Steve asks.
Eddie nods repeatedly, his eyes fixed on the floor, “Yes. Be honest.”
He feels Steve’s hand at his jaw, and he’s turned to face him, but Eddie struggles to look Steve in the eyes until he speaks, “Can I see them?”
“What?” Eddie says in surprise, almost double takes, if not for being held in Steve’s hand.
“Your wings, can I see them?” Steve says again, and there is the tiny crumb of a laugh that Eddie's heart gorges itself on, like its ambrosia of the gods. He nods, standing up quickly; Steve follows suit, leaving them some room. As Eddie removes his jacket and shirt, Steve looks wide-eyed when he sees how blood-stained it is on the front and back, but Eddie continues.
“Ok, bear with me. I’m still new at this,” he says, rolling his shoulders and squeezing his eyes shut as he keeps his mind focused on the wings. He feels them pierce through the fresh scabs that have already started forming, that he hopes will eventually scar so it’s not this fucking painful every time. Then once he feels the tip glide down the small of his back to a stop, he knows they are entirely out and slowly unfurls them, steps back a little to not knock the lamp over or rip the sofa.
He hears a gasp from Steve and shuts his eyes again because he’s just not ready to see the horror on his face. He can hear Steve’s breathing, he’s so close, and then he feels the strangest sensation, and it causes him to look.
Steve is looking over his wings, his beautiful mouth slightly parted, and his fingertips are reaching out to touch the webbing of them, so very gently, and then across the more structural parts, which Eddie isn’t sure if it's bone or cartilage or what they were made from.
“Wow,” Steve says in absolute awe as he traces over them, “Jesus, Eddie,” he says slowly with reverence.
Eddie huffs, “Pretty fucking creepy, huh?”
Steve’s head snaps to him with a frown like the time, he said that he didn't get all the hype around that new Kenny Loggins song.
Eddie raises his eyebrows, “Not…creepy then?” he tries.
“They’re beautiful, Eddie,” he says with a raise of his eyebrows that Eddie recognises easily. It’s the same face he pulls when he needs someone to really comprehend him.
“You think wings are beautiful?” Eddie tries to understand.
“No. I think these wings are beautiful.” The tenderness in Steve’s voice matches his touch as he reaches out to caress the other, which, oddly, Eddie had got the distinct impression felt left out. But it was a fucking wing. How could it feel left out?
“What? The colours? Thought it’d be a bit goth for you,” Eddie says, confused but feeling slightly better. Steve walks right up to him, puts his arms around his waist, and pulls him close.
“No, idiot, because they’re yours!” Steve says with a half-smile, that might as well have shot Eddie dead right there and then. Steve’s warmth against him feels so good, like when he’d get in front of the electric heater at home after doing the rounds in his ice block of a van in the dead of winter. Where they touch heats first, but then it spreads throughout him, dispersing the usual coldness in his undead self. He wraps his arms around him in response, sighing as he rests his head against his.
“No more secrets, yeah?” Steve says in his ear.
“You had secrets, too,” he replies quickly like it was even on the same level.
“You’re right. I guess I just didn't want to make you feel helpless because you can’t come with me during the day when I go with El, who I will also have words with,” he's trying to sound parental, but the grin in his voice is unmistakable.
“What about everything else?” Eddie mutters into Steve's hair, “You know, the murder and wanting to go too far?”
Steve tips his head back so he can look Eddie in the eyes, “That guy, I dunno. It didn't sound like him sticking around was gonna be good for anyone, but I agree you should have waited for Hopper, and maybe you could lay off of the theatrics,” he pouts a little and adjusts a few strands of Eddie’s hair, twisting them around his fingers and staring at them “And I do not like the idea of your flirting with anyone else, for any reason.” he raises his eyes to Eddie’s again, “Is that gonna be a problem?”
Eddie raises his eyebrows in surprise but shakes his head in a no.
“You think I wouldn’t do the same?” Steve says, brushing his nose against Eddie’s, “You think I wouldn’t have wanted to completely destroy a guy who was going to hurt you?”
“I think you’d see him brought to justice,” Eddie barely says, a little confused but mid completely enamoured, melting into his partner, who has bewitched him completely. Steve didn’t need vampiric gifts to lure Eddie anywhere. He had his own Steve powers that Eddie is yet to fathom.
Steve lets out a breathy chuckle, holds Eddie's chin on the crook of his finger, and wiggles it side-to-side, “Maybe you don't know me as well as I thought you did. With you hanging in the balance, I couldn’t let him walk the earth waiting for clowns like Callaghan to bring him in. No way,” Steve’s words should be worrying, he should be concerned that Steve would do something so reckless, but his mind does something completely different. It falls even deeper in love with Steve Harrington, pulls him in tight and smiles against his warm skin.
Eddie would probably opt to disappear into him entirely if it was an option. Sometimes being a separate being felt simply too far apart. He closes his eyes and rests against him, subtle head movements enabling his mouth to softly brush against his neck. Kisses and licks over his last bite mark reverently like it was communion on the tongue of a sinner. He feels Steve’s hum of appreciation vibrate between them both, making him feel stupefied.
The room suddenly gets darker, and Eddie feels something rub against his arms. He raises his eyes and sees Steve’s hair moving. Looking up further, he can see his wings looming over them, flapping and bumping against one another and his arms. Steve chuckles, and it’s almost a giggle.
“What's so funny?” Eddie asks.
“They’re clumsy like you were. You know, when we first got together,” Steve laughs as one of the upper parts tries to move through his hair, “I think they like my hair. Here, I think I know what they need,” he reaches for Eddie's arms around his waist and pulls them apart, places them around his neck instead, and as he does, one wing flaps gently a few times before it flattens against the back of Steve and settles down. Then the other slows and gently wraps around the other, pushing him closer to Eddie, making them both laugh.
“I think I could get used to this,” Steve smiles and kisses Eddie softly, and it feels almost like all the bad feelings and darkness melt away.
“You’re a freak,” Eddie teases, wholly hypnotised, as his wings relax, re-open and unwrap Steve, who rolls his eyes and playfully pats his chest.
At that moment, Eddie realises he doesn't need to fear the voices, thoughts, or darkness consuming him because he has his own night light to keep him safe, to always bring him back.
A knight lite, he muses to himself.
A knight in shining armour called Steve Harrington.
#eddie munson#stranger things#st eddie munson#eddie stranger things#stranger things eddie#steddie#fandom event#bingo event#eddie munson bingo#steddit ficlet#Eddie Munson ficlet#vampire!eddie#vampire eddie munson
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SNSD/Girls' Generation Reading/Information
This is based on whatever I can pick up from SNSD. This is a psychic reading. There may be tea so I won't list names.
Some members are really close and are best friends, almost like family.
1 member is generally very disliked by the members and most of them think she is very dumb and ignorant.
Most of the members are dating at least someone. A couple of the members have no interest in marriage or having children. A few members are only into casual dating/flings. One member is particularly known to have many backups/options.
One member enjoys picking her nose and then flicking her boogers at others.
One member is very self-conscious of her looks, especially her hair. She is fearful of balding.
Some members are heavy partiers and also drink a lot. These members have also experimented with drugs and are recreational drug users. They like going to raves/clubs. A few members may be addicted to drugs/alcohol/smoking - I'm sensing pain killers in particular for one person.
A couple of members cannot sleep.
One member is very spoiled and thinks she is better than the rest of the members. She is quite arrogant and makes a lot of sharp comments that are quite condescending. Staff are scared of her passive aggressiveness/vengefulness.
One member likes to use her mental health as an excuse for things and as a way to market herself.
One member insists to have hot/pretty bodyguards around her.
One member hates showering/bathing esp washing her long hair so she can go on without showering for days.
One member has a shopping addiction and cannot stop buying luxury goods.
One member is in a long-term relationship. The love between the partners has died out but they are together for the sake of their career. She doesn't want to marry him.
Several members have cheated on their partners.
A couple of the members are particularly kinky.
One member likes to eat a lot of different food but will not finish any of them, so there's a lot of leftovers and she doesn't pack them up. Lots of food waste.
One member likes to sit in a way that's considered impolite/rude in public.
One member litters a lot and also doesn't pick up after her pet.
One member has a dog and uses the dog as an accessory. She actually doesn't care about the dog at all and the dog has starved on many occassions.
One member likes to post on forums/Naver etc and spread bad stuff about the other members or other idols.
One member really hates a lot of male idols and their groups, including BTS and EXO.
Several members actually do not get along with their parents or siblings and a few have some money issues with the family.
Two members want to leave SNSD.
Several members suffer from eating disorders or mental health illnesses. One has recovered from an eating disorder.
A couple of members have dated within the company, including staff/manager.
Several members have had to do some extra stuff to get their solos/acting gigs.
One member has gone on a date with several popular kpop male idols.
One member likes to date younger people like a huge age gap.
One member likes to make fun of people too much; it's usually seen as a "joke" but really she's laughing at others.
One member in particular is super heavily in debt and is always borrowing money/forgetting her wallet at outings. Some of the brands that she has endorsed are angry at her because she promised to make some posts/videos but they were of subpar quality or never happened.
#kpop predictions#celebrity readings#kpop readings#celebrity predictions#psychic readings#general readings#friendship readings#snsd#girl's generation#sm#sm entertainment
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Addictive
Yet another story from the “A Significant Detail” series. I’m on a roll. This one takes place between “The Gardening Type” and “Mine.”
A Significant Detail
The Gardening Type
Mine
The Golden Cage
Consequences
The villain was the kind of target that ended careers. Not lives, as far as the hero knew, but definitely careers. They were a medium-risk, low-priority target—the agency’s way of saying that the villain was probably involved in the city’s intricate criminal network but they weren’t sure how yet. Before coming up with the idea that the hero’s super speed might be a good match against the villain’s super strength, the agency had already tried all their usual non-lethal strategies. Drugs, traps, threats—nothing had stuck. The villain had proven themselves to be practically impossible to capture alive, so the agency had handed the case over to the hero.
The hero’s official assignment was to take the villain in for questioning, but considering how no one seemed to care about their lack of progress, they were starting to suspect that they were never meant to succeed in the first place. Without even realizing it, they’d managed to land a distraction job—a dead-end gig that mostly consisted of preventing the target from reaching a higher priority level. At this point, the hero couldn’t help but wonder if the agency would even care if they found out that the villain had figured out the hero’s identity. The target was, after all, properly distracted.
The hero would have hated the villain on principle if distracting them hadn’t been so damn fun.
“Getting tired yet?” the villain asked, grinning as the hero dodged a kick that would have shattered their ribcage.
“I was just about to ask you the same question.” The hero used the momentum to deliver a swift combination of blows to the villain’s upper body. A normal human would have doubled over, but the villain was neither normal nor human. They did flinch, though. The hero counted that as a score.
The villain quickly recovered, throwing a punch that grazed the hero’s ear. Had the hero been just a millisecond slower, it would have knocked them out cold. It was a dangerous game, where even the smallest of missteps would send them straight to the medic unit at the HQ. The hero had to use every ounce of their speedster ability, moving faster than they’d even thought was possible, just to keep their organs intact.
Fighting the villain wasn’t just fun—it was addictive.
“Come on, love, you can do better than that.” The villain’s eyes glittered with amusement. They swung, and the hero dodged again. The villain’s fist slammed into the side of a container, leaving a deep dent in the wall. The narrow alley gave the villain a natural edge due to the limited open space, but an edge was a far cry from a guaranteed win.
The hero let out a breathless laugh. “You should focus on aiming.”
Another punch. Another dodge. The villain left an opening that the hero deliberately ignored. They’d already fallen for that particular feint before, which had led to them being swiftly pinned to the ground. The villain could’ve easily killed the hero that day, but they hadn’t. Just like the hero, they’d preferred a rematch.
The villain seemed to have developed an addiction too.
The hero’s body was moving on autopilot, dancing back and forth, dodging, punching, dodging, when they noticed a strange movement on a roof a couple of buildings away. A familiar figure was lying flat on their stomach near the edge of the roof, the nozzle of their sniper rifle pointing straight down at the alley. The hero’s heart skipped a beat. They hadn’t seen the sidekick since they went rouge a couple of months ago, but they’d heard the rumors. Out of the city’s many bounty hunters, the former sidekick was one of the deadliest.
The villain’s boot slammed into the hero’s stomach, sending them flying. They hit the ground hard, their body bouncing against the concrete. Gritting their teeth, they managed to roll back up on their feet. It was probably time for them to make a run for it. Dealing with two opponents at once was a bad idea—especially when one of those opponents was the villain. They glanced up at the bounty hunter again, and then frowned. Even though the hero was now on the other side of the alley, the bounty hunter’s aim hadn’t changed. Unease spread through their body as they reassessed the situation.
The hero wasn’t the one dealing with two opponents at once. The villain was.
“Someone’s not paying attention.” The villain sauntered toward them. Up on the roof, the rifle moved slightly to the side as the bounty hunter readjusted their aim. The hero cursed internally. Someone definitely wasn’t paying attention, but it wasn’t the hero.
“How fast do you heal?” they bluntly asked.
The villain came to a stop, eying them curiously. “Fast.”
“Fast enough to heal a bullet to the head?”
“Planning on changing tactics?” They snorted. “A little overkill, don’t you think?”
“I’ll take that as a no.”
When the bounty hunter pulled the trigger, the hero was already moving. They threw themselves at the villain with all the force they could muster, crashing into them like a human-sized bowling ball. Despite their momentum, they still weren’t sure if it was going to be enough—using brute force against the villain was usually like trying to wrestle with a mountain—but they had to try. The villain had once claimed that they were the closest thing the hero had to a friend. The hero’s response at the time had been to attack them with a shovel, because sadly, they hadn’t been that far off.
The collision was even more brutal than they’d predicted. They heard something crack, the sound originating from somewhere inside them. The villain didn’t topple over, but they did take a small step back. Relief bloomed in the hero’s chest. The villain had moved. The shot went off, but the villain had moved. The bullet missed their head with barely an inch to spare.
The villain, who clearly recognized the sound of a sniper rifle, grabbed the hero and pulled them both into safety behind the container. Pain exploded all over the hero’s body. Running into the villain at full speed had definitely left them with broken bones. Plural. They tried to force back a whimper as the villain gently lowered them to the ground and helped them into a sitting position, but judging by the villain’s expression, they didn’t succeed. Somehow, the villain managed to look both concerned and homicidal at the same time.
“Yours or mine?” The villain’s voice was calm, but their eyes glowed with fury.
“Neither,” the hero replied. “Bounty hunter. They were aiming at you, though. You’re welcome.”
For a moment, the villain, master of comebacks, looked completely speechless. “You did this,” they finally said, gesturing at the hero’s body, “to protect me?”
The hero wanted to shrug, but decided to go with a nod instead to spare themselves some pain. “You owe me one.”
“I do.” For a brief moment, the rage in the villain’s eyes faded, turning into something the hero couldn’t quite decipher. Determination, maybe, combined with a strange heat.
“You have a medic you can call, right?” the villain asked.
The hero nodded again. “On speed dial.”
“Good. Get yourself healed, love.” The villain stood up and gave them the chilling smile of a true apex predator. “I have a bounty hunter to catch.”
@whumpworld @yells-in-lowercase @scorpio-smiles @whumpsday
#a significant detail#heroes and villains#HERO X VILLAIN#bantering#fighting#my writing#snippet#writeblr#nanowrimo
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Upon first getting out, and recovering from that process, Ace goes back to his usual thing. It lasts about a year until The Trauma of the realm really knocks down his door. He ignores it until he physically or mentally cannot hold back the dam anymore.
Aside from the realm, Ace has to keep an eye out for folks who want to get his ass for shit he's not followed up on or double-crossed. I imagine he tries to settle somewhere, and gets some local gig hosting or some sort of job where he can lay low from everyone altogether.
At some point down the line, he gets really lonely due to the lack of constant company the other survivors provided. I imagine that before the realm Ace had "friends" but they never lasted too long as he was constantly bouncing around to other cities. Not to mention he fucked so many of them over for cash or flat-out stole from. So as much as he was a dick to most of the survivors, they were probably his closest friends (cough found family cough) and he has ever had.
He has moments where he misses them and might poke around to see who made it out. Part of him wants to reconnect in some way, and another part wants nothing to do with any of them. He might even freak at seeing some of the survivors upon a surprise encounter.
Ace is also pushing his late 50s at that point, so he tries to deal with his addiction issues but it's difficult to do alone so it never goes well. This is the same for substance abuse with booze and smoking. If anything he does it more now in order to shut things out.
This is very long but I got thoughts...
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– have you seen jacob christopher bancroft around los angeles? the twenty five year old is usually jamming to star walkin' by lil nas x. word around the city is that they’re compassionate, yet, they can also be restless, but you didn’t hear that from me. they’re currently a/an musician/ songwriter and are typically seen walking the streets of los angeles with his guitar strapped on his back. when i think of them, i think of broken promises within a broken home, late nights strumming on the guitar and the iron will of never losing hope. let’s hope the city treats them good!
STATS:
full name: jacob christopher bancroft
goes by: jc bancroft ( his artist name )
age: 25
date of birth / zodiac sign: June 14th / gemini
place of birth: cleveland, ohio
gender: cis male
pronouns: he / him
orientation: homosexual / homoromantic
current residence: los angeles, california
occupation: musician ( guitarist within a band ) / songwriter
BACKGROUND: tw alcohol addiction, domestic violence
As far as JC can remember his parents had always faught with each other. The Bancroft household was a loud, violent and unsafe place growing up. But JC was somewhat safe while his mother was around, aside from the yelling when he did something he shouldn't do. This changed when he was ten years old. He had heard his mother packing her things in the middle of the night and asked where she was going. JC wanted to go with her, but she didn't. The last thing she said to him was: "I can't, I'm sorry. You look too much like him." Words that kept echoing within the boys ears even years later. His father snapped when JC told him about his mom had left, blaming him for her leaving when his father was the only one responsible for it. It was the first time his father beat him and it wouldn't remain the only time.
Since his father was an alcoholic it was easy for JC to get his hands on the alcohol as well, drowning his sorrows and pain with it. When someone got on his bad side he let his fists speak for him as it was the only language he knew.
The only real friend he had, or so he felt at least, was a girl who was living a few houses down the street. Her family was gifted in music and they where the ones who taught JC to play the guitar. It was the one thing that brought him true comfort. That's why he spent a lot of time at their house, avoiding to go home at all costs, despite knowing it would only make his situation with his father worse.
Eventually the girl had formed a band and JC became part of it. When he was eighteen they put their savings together and went to Los Angeles. Travled across the country to chase their dream together. But Los Angeles didn't make it easy on them and they had to work odd jobs to get by, played as many gigs as they could and when most of the band was close to giving up, they finally found someone who took interest in them, saw their potential. Finally they began to walk on the path that led to them making a name for themselves and finally be able to live off the music they were making. Unfortunately, JC's alcohol addiction put a damper on their flourishing career as he kept spiraling downwards. Together they decided it was best for him to go to rehab. Something JC wanted himself as well. He wanted to get better and finally leave all the bad stuff behind him. So the band went on a break.
JC is now a recovered alcoholic. He has been sober for almost two years and he does everything to keep it that way. Music and his band mean everything to him. They give him the strength he needs to remain on the right track.
ADDITIONAL NOTE:
He has trouble to sit still when he’s stressed or nervous, either he starts drumming on any surface close to him, fiddles with his fingers or paces up and down
JC has never been in a relationship and is under the impression he's not made for it either. He has no problem with uncommitted flings, but anything more than that? He isn't sure. ( this might change though, now that his life is back on track )
CONNECTIONS:
Cillian 'Leon' O'Hara — current friends with benefits that has started developing into more.
WANTED CONNECTIONS:
fellow musicians
friends
former friends with benefits
former drinking buddies
former one night stands / flings
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In Case I Make It: a sentence starter pack
all taken from the latest Will Wood album! (apologies for length!)
feel free to change pronouns if need be.
warnings for: heavy emotions, toxicity, addiction, death. (all presumed; context may be changed as needed)
TOMCAT DISPOSABLES
“So here’s where I’ll be raising my kids, if I can find someone to start a family with.”
“Mind me not, and I’ll mind my own.”
“Do I belong in right and wrong?”
“One hungry day is nothing, come what may.”
“I’ll make it through again. I have before.”
“My dreams were finally reality.”
“They must want to be friends.”
“Something’s not quite right.”
“I held on so tight for so long, it’s just not right.”
“Was that all there was to this?”
BECOMING THE LASTNAMES
“I’ve learned to pick my battles by losing most I’ve fought.”
“I’ll always do it my way, even if that’s just the same way I’ve been taught.”
“I’m not sure yet myself, but I learned from a good father.”
“I mean, sure, they messed me up, but I think that’s just the gig.”
“Marriage always scared me, but I’d like to have a last love.”
“Love can last a pretty good long while, I’ve seen it around.”
“What do I know about forever, when so far I’ve been so fleeting?”
“Imagine me, just like my parents... Yeah, right.”
“I’ve made more mistakes than simple empty moments.”
“Why should you remember me?”
CICADA DAYS
“God knows crying ain’t gonna change a thing.”
“She said ‘take care’ but I take more than I bring.”
“It just feels inhuman to lose this much.”
“When you leave, you know, you take more than your love.”
“Do nothing, nothing works.”
“Don’t do that if it hurts.”
“Don’t let me leave, I’ll only take more than I gave.”
“My god, what have I done?”
“You’re worth it.”
“One day at a time.”
EUTHANASIA
“I was right there, while you fought tooth and nail.”
“Say you’re not scared, that you know it’s because I cared.”
“Say you know I love you.”
“Hope was just not there.”
“I know that I’m wrong.”
“I want to believe that you’ll remember me.”
“Can I stop by and say hello?”
“To love one from too far to call is not to love at all.”
“It’s okay, it’ll all be over soon.”
“I’d never let a bad thing happen to you.”
FALLING UP
“I’m gripping the grass and I’m pulling up daisies.”
“Would or could the impact kill me?”
“Shoot for the stars, be the next big constellation.”
“You make a wish upon the dead but turn and call it a weed.”
“Only plastic flowers never die.”
“What do you know of control?”
“Did I earn this stupid hat?”
“Is now really a good time for a new tattoo?”
“The larger they are, the harder they tend to fall.”
“Much larger than life, ‘cause from such a height, life looks awful small.”
THAT’S ENOUGH, LET’S GET YOU HOME.
“Grow up, be a man, ‘cause until then you’re nothing a but a short-haired girl.”
“Oh my god, what’s wrong with me?”
“Dream girl, come and sweep me off my knees.”
“I’d rather stay asleep than never see you wake up next to me.”
“You seemed fine just a few days ago.”
“Far too late came far too soon.”
“Go on back to bed my love, I mean, that’s where dreams are supposed to be.”
“Hold my hands and you’ll see that it’s me who cries mercy while your fingers curl.”
“Are you at all like me?”
“Alright, that’s enough, let’s get you home.”
UM, IT’S KIND OF A LOT
“I’m afraid of losing my mind.”
“I never been afraid of no one breaking my heart.”
“All my life’s a panic trip.”
“I’ve grown used to fear, but no, not to you yet, my dear.”
“I love you so much it scares me half to death.”
“I’m afraid that you’ll change your mind.”
“I’m afraid I’ll come on too strong, hold you too tight, and scare you too.”
“I never been afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve.”
“Spit me out, you don’t know where I been.”
“Please excuse my constant need to self-aggrandize.”
HALF-DECADE HANGOVER
“I’m no survivor, I only happened to survive.”
“I was drunk when I made my bed.”
“What have I done? Don’t know what I said.”
“If I can’t at least break even, then I’m leaving.”
“I been feeling this awful since I hit bottom.”
“You call that recovered?”
“Please believe me when I say that I’ve poured my whole past down the drain.”
“Say a second chance is a chance I can take.”
“I can’t make amends for things I can’t remember, I can only say I’m sorry and occasionally pray.”
“Guess you’ll just have to take my word that I’ve changed.”
VAMPIRE REFERENCE IN A MINOR KEY
“I’m turning over the same old leaf again.”
“If it weren’t for the everything, then anything could happen.”
“I guess you’re just my style.”
“I’m sorry for the things I’ve done and all I ask of you.”
“You could come knocking, and I’ll raise hell for you.”
“Maybe I should switch up the style of my mistakes.”
“Hold my hands, we’ll dance the 12-step on my grave.”
“I’d kill the man I am for one more chance to be yours.”
“I ain’t begging, I’m just saying it’s an option.”
“Don’t let the latest be the last nail in my coffin.”
THE MAIN CHARACTER
“I wrote the book about throwing the book at those who don’t do it by it.”
“Enough lefts don’t make the right, but two wrongs do.”
“If you shake your fists at snakes in grass, it looks like punching down.”
“God forbid I’m seen as just an average human being.”
“Villains are everywhere.”
“Ignoring me’s bad enough.”
“Judge me by what my cover shows, author becomes beyond reproach.”
“You don’t know the prose.”
“We all do what we need to to get through.”
“I ain’t done a fucking thing to you!”
AGAINST THE KITCHEN FLOOR
“You should know that I’m sorry for being careless with you.”
“Lord knows I owe you more than I ever could give anybody.”
“It just don’t come natural to me to think that you’d want me for me.”
“I promise, I’m doing my best.”
“I still don’t know who you are, I only know that I’m still lonely.”
“Honestly thought nobody’d want it, let alone notice it’s gone.”
“How did I cause so much harm?”
“I’m sorry, but this can’t go on.”
“I know you’ve got scars of your own.”
“I honestly wanna prove improvement’s possible.”
SEX, DRUGS, ROCK ‘N’ ROLL
“I guess I’m my own boss, but everyone’s my supervisor.”
“What kind of living legend only wants a living wage?”
“It’s not a gift if you pay for it.”
“I spent all my years to end up right here.”
“I really think I’d rather leave.”
“Call this hari kari as I kamikaze to my career suicide.”
“It wouldn’t mix well with my meds.”
“I hate to be ‘that guy’, but I’m not that guy anymore.”
“I made goddamn sure he’s dead.”
“I would dance on his grave.”
WILLARD!
“I’m not the type to step on ants.”
“I myself have been stepped on so many times, it’s started to feel like my place.”
“These people are animals.”
“You might seem behind bars, but this cage is inside out.”
“It’s awful out here.”
“It’s quite confusing to me, to try to connect.”
“They’ll call me crazy, but their words all seem made up to me.”
“Maybe they just need more friendship like yours.”
“Let’s go make more enemies.”
“I’d bring you with me.”
WHITE NOISE
“It sorta sounds like a retro top-40 but wrong.”
“You’re not meant to sing along.”
“You can hear the ocean if you hold it up to your ear.”
“It’s going places, ‘cause it comes from the heart.”
“It’s an experience for your seventh sense.”
“It makes no statement, but does so quite loudly.”
“Do you believe in the power of silence?”
“Well, if you walk the walk, you can talk more.”
“You fill your head with thoughts that you can’t even feel.”
“I know it’s hard, but they’re not who you are.”
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The singer songwriter, poet and folk musician Jackie Leven was born on June 18th 1950.
Born as Alan Moffatt in Kirkcald in the Pictish region he called "the Kingdom of Fife," a few miles southwest of the River Leven to a London-Irish father and Northumbrian mother, both Romany Gypsies, he was an outsider from birth. His mother played blues records around the house, and by 16 Jackie was playing in local folk clubs, and briefly married.
Though a prize-winning pupil at school (where Gordon Brown was in his year), he claimed he was the first Scots student expelled for drug-taking. A vendetta by a local gang forced him to flee Fife aged 17. During the late 1960s, he spent months huddled homeless around London's South Bank, and worked as a labourer in Kerry, Berlin and Madrid, where he recorded his first album, Control (1971), under the pseudonym John St Field. He also once mentioned he had married a millionairess.
He met his Doll by Doll bandmates while squatting Dorset farmhouses in the early '70s. "In some respects the best days of our lives, in a wonderful dream of Old England," he recalled. They reconvened in 1975, in a west London squat, Bristol Gardens, a street with "a huge contingent of badly damaged, but nevertheless wonderful fun Scottish guys ... prostitutes and petty thieves".
Doll by Doll carried their own "serious unresolved edges". Leven had a near-fatal overdose before they made Remember in 78, a blunt instrument of a debut which approximated their confrontational live act. "I can remember a couple of nights at the Marquee where I would have given anything to be in that audience," he recalled. "At the same time, there were people thinking, 'If I don't get away from this band right now, I might literally go insane.'"
Their second album, Gypsy Heart in 1979, was Leven's lyrical breakthrough. Its romantic Celtic soul music explored what would become enduring themes: identity, wanderlust and landscape. "I've never had my own place to live, I've always ended up living at other people's, and that continues to this day," he said in a 2007 interview. "But that record made me feel I had a place in the world, even if it was a very unpleasant place that wasn't going to do me any favours."
Record-company politics and their own unstable natures did for Doll by Doll after two more albums. In 1983, Leven was strangled and had his throat slashed in a mugging. Unable to speak or sing for over a year and dropped by his label, he found solace in heroin. He would sit for weeks in Marylebone station, silent and profoundly depressed.
Recovering in 1985 via acupuncture and "psychic healing", he co-founded the CORE Trust, a charity which offers holistic help for addiction. Through it, he met Princess Diana. Moving to Scotland's West Coast, he soaked up the "fierce warmth" of trawlermen in the bars at night, and began to write again.
In 1994, he returned to music with The Mystery of Love is Greater Than the Mystery of Death, the first of 24 albums for Cooking Vinyl. These formed a prolific, redemptive songbook about a cruel world, often sung and played with deceptive lightness. His own partial healing, and 1990s fascination with the "Iron Man" philosophy of Robert Bly, gave him new perspective on the scarred tough men of great songs such as "Classic Northern Diversions". He settled happily in Hampshire with his long-term partner Deborah Greenwood, but each year he took a sleeping bag, and wandered country lanes again. "My missus says, 'Jackie, you're a vagabond and I accept that'," he said. To me it must have been that Romany blood he inherited.
In concert he was a charismatic troubadour. Settling at the bar for a pint before the gig, he'd then leaven his songs with dryly hilarious tall tales. Four live albums released in 2009, under the general heading "The Haunted Year", give the fullest picture of his work. A yarn where he announces Sting's death on a Kirkaldy commuter train is inseparable from the songs. His last album, Wayside Shrines and the Code of the Travelling Man, was released in 2011, during which he continued to tour, until the cancer which killed him made it impossible. "I sometimes think I'm too connected to the pain of other people," he once said, unsure if this was a good thing. "Out of that, and anger about that, I find myself writing." This sympathy for often violent, stoic people who were rarely offered it had, in his finest songs, few parallels.
Leven died on 14 November 2011, aged 61, of cancer. Ever the performer and knowing he was dying, Leven had been due to perform at the Green Hotel in Kinross for Mundell Music on Friday night 18 November.
I’ve chosen a great song by Jackie call Exit Wound, I first heard this after reading the Ian Rankin Rebus novel, by the same name in 2008, Ian was a big fan of Jackie’s, I know this is the part of the post where most people move on and don’t bother listening to the song, but I implore you, please for a change have a listen to it, Jackie Leven is one of the most underrated geniuses of the Scottish music scene.
"If you could look inside my heart
You'd see a body without a soul"
Deserted villages - forget-me-nots
Blowing in the cold
"If you could look inside my heart
You'd see a body without a soul"
Deserted villages - forget-me-nots
Blowing in the cold
It was the time of spring and song
The lilac had already been and gone
I had just returned from walking
By the sounding sea
I came back from the hotel
Where you turned and said to me
White bars of heaven keep me from you
I know you're living in hell, but what can I do
White bars of heaven keep me from you
I know you're living in hell, but what can I do
I stood under the shattered star
And watched the drunks fall by
With every stumble that I saw
A picture cleared in my mind's eye
I see you walk away with your heels
Sparking on the ground
And though I lie alone
I feel your fingers deep inside
My exit wound
Now I have been on your side so strong
Though something in your kiss was all wrong
And now you say there's something
Something wrong inside my mind
You're gonna let me go
I hear you whisper from behind
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Posting this as a public service announcement. #Transparency #cardsfaceup #💯 #keepitreal #keepingitreal Lets go! #Gambling #🎰 #🎲 #🔢 #▶️ #Compulsivegambling also called #gamblingdisorder is classified as an #impulsecontroldisorder Be thoughtful on your comments 🏳️ It's been less than 2 weeks; but, 1st and foremost I'm "not" homeless, I got help, I'm safe and doing #🆗 #🙏 #🛐 #🤲 #📿 #👌#👍 Everybody post #livingmybestlife on social media nobody post #DebbieDowner That was my 2nd eviction. The 1st one was July 20, 2022; however, my #sister - #cousin (Nicole) stepped in and prevented it by 9am that morning. I was in my car 6am, I drove to Northern Virginia, lost & up in my head. I had my mother and my father's obituary in the front seat along with a bag of lottery tickets and some other memorabilia. That day could of went terribly wrong (If you know my story 🙏🏽) She said bring your ass back to Baltimore! I gotchu! Fast forward to my 2nd #eviction November 22, 2022; that actually took place, it was about to happen yet again if it wasn't for (Sabrina #♥️ )
Friday November 4th 5:26 p.m. I received a random phone call from a high school classmate of mine (Lorraine) she said that she was thinking about me for some reason and she had to call me and tell me everything was going to be okay. #🤙 #wow
Look 👀 at the reaction of the shorter Sheriff when he looked at the taller Sheriff when I mentioned #gambling His face/eyes lit up 🤔. Yeah, the taller one is all over it 😢. Is #Maryland @mdlottery ready for #sportsbetting #sportswagering & #dailyfantasysports that just went live on November 23, 2022 and all the #gamblingaddict #gamblingaddicts that will follow? I'm posting this to help save someone else from going thru this. I made it to the rooms of #alcoholicsanonymous May 17, 2015 with 2 black eyes and a knot on my forehead looking like a cross bread of a 🦝 and a 🦄 . My sobriety date is September 11, 2015 however other #💩 will show up to fill the void. Now I'm part of #GamblersAnonymous Gambling has the highest suicide rate of all addictions. You're not putting anything physically into your body. It's all mental 🤯🧠 which makes it even more dangerous. All of those near misses and me hitting Keno for $25,251.20 in 2019 is what kept me going. I almost hit Bonus Match 5 twice for $50,000 I was only one ball off each time. But what really kept me going was I almost hit Cash for Life; $1,000 a week for the rest of my life, I had four out of five white balls "and" the Cash Ball!!!!! I was only one ball away. Only got $2,500 for that 🤬 Now let's bring @uber @lyft into the mix. Being a #gigworker #ridesharedriver #rideshare I have access to 10 cashouts daily, 5 on #Uber and 5 on #Lyft platforms. I'm just going to leave this right here. It's not a good mix, trust me. I know there are other gig workers going thru this. Get help before it's too late. It's not like I didn't have the money to pay my rent it's just mentally you're constantly looking for that big come up ☹️ It never came! People have to #hitrockbottom #rockbottom to get that #realitycheck #me Twice now 🥺 #pleaseshare #share
The Maryland Alliance for Responsible Gambling #free #freehelp
https://www.mdgamblinghelp.org/
1-800-426-2537
The Maryland Center of Excellence on Problem Gambling
https://www.mdproblemgambling.com/
www.marylandga.org
https://gamblersinrecovery.com/
https://dmvgamblinghelp.org/
Maryland Lottery and Gaming operates voluntary exclusion programs for individuals who wish to ban themselves from Maryland casinos, the Maryland Lottery, instant bingo halls, sports wagering, or daily fantasy sports.
https://www.mdgamblinghelp.org/problem-gambling-info/voluntary-exclusion-program/
#avalon #avalonarundel #AVA #BWI #BWIbusinessdistrict #avalonbay #avalonarundelcrossing #avalonproperties #linthicum #linthicumHeights #21090 #baltimore #annearundel #annearundelcounty #dontgamble #gambler #gambling #addict #addictionrecovery #recovery #recoverytok #recoverytiktok #gamblingtiktok #gamblingig #gamblinginstagram #gamblingtwitter #gamblingfacebook #gamblingaddiction #lotto #ihitthelottery #mdlottery #gamblingman #gamblers #gamblersoftiktok #bingo #bingohall #bingojunkiess #sportsfantasy #dailyfantasysports #sportswagering #sportswager #lottery #casino #casinos #sportsbet #sportsbettingtiktok #sportsbetting #sportsbets #kevinhart #jamiefoxx #fanduel #draftkings #betmgm #sportsbook #betting #bettingtips #bettingtiktok #counselor #counselorsoftiktok #counselors #clinicians #clinician #clinicianofcolor #cliniciansofcolor #therapy #therapist #therapists #psychology #psychiatrist #psychiatrists #addictioncounselor #addictions #addictionscounselor #gamblers #psychiatristsoftiktok #psychiatristoftiktok #therapistsontiktok #fyp #fypages #fyi #fyip #fyipage #fyiviral #viral #makethisgoviral #stop #viralvideo #viraltiktok #viraltiktok #viral_video #viralvideos #fypbitch #fypシ #fypage #fypシ゚viral #fypdongggggggg #fypp #fyppppppppppppppppppppppp #fypdong #fypgakni #fypsounds #fypbetting #slotmachines #lasvegas #vegas #slots #casinolife #vegaslife #prevention #bbw #bbws #biggirls #biggirlsdoitbetter #lizzo #bbwsoftiktok #bbwoftiktok #biggirl #🥎 #⛸️ #🥏#⛹️ #🥍 #⛹️♀️ #🥌 #⛹️♂️ #⚽ #🎣 #⚾ #🎾 #⛷️ #🎿 #🏀 #🏉 #🏂 #🏏 #🏄 #🏐 #🏄♀️ #🏑 #🏄♂️ #🏒 #🏅 #🏓 #🏈 #🏟️ #🏸 #🚵 #🚡 #🤺 #🚤 #🤼 #🚲 #🤼♀️ #🚴 #🤼♂️ #🚴♀️ #🤽 #🚴♂️ #🤽♀️ #🤽♂️ #🚵♂️ #🤾 #🤾♀️ #🤾♂️ #🥅 #🥊 #🚵♀️
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NAME: Phoebe Rhodes
GENDER & PRONOUNS: Cis Woman / She/Her
AGE & DATE OF BIRTH: 32 years old / June 28th
HOMETOWN: Great Falls, MT
TIME IN GREAT FALLS: Returned 5 years
RESIDENCE: Canyon Point
OCCUPATION: Wranger at Ward Ranch, Singer at Neon Moon
BACKSTORY —
Born at the end of Spring in Great Falls, Phoebe Rhodes’ parents did their best to provide for their two daughters, despite the bills piling up and the peeling wallpaper and the creaking floorboards that were rotting. Phoebe was content with it all, trying her best to help distract her little sister from the weight of their families disadvantages Phoebe had been burdened with unintentionally. Their daddy called her ‘my little songbird’ — for she tweeted and whistled whatever song had been playing on the radio, and there was no stopping Phoebe when she got an itch for a new favorite song.
As a rambunctious child in school, Phoebe was extremely unfocused, and struggled in certain subjects that had her spending most of her time in the library trying to catch up on studying — since home wasn’t exactly her favorite spot to show just how stressed she had been. Throughout middle school Phoebe began spending a lot of time in the music room where she picked up an old acoustic guitar that was seemingly twice her size. However, seeing how quick her interest peaked with the instrument, her then music teacher allowed her to take it home, as long as she promised to come back each day with something new that she learned — and it was a promise she kept whole-heartedly. With her new found confidence, that blossomed with each new pluck of the strings, she entered into the many talent shows her school offered throughout the years, with no real mind if she won or lost.
Carrying her love for music all the way through high school, Phoebe’s grades improved, and by ‘some miracle’, her ma’ used to say, she graduated at the top of her class, with a full ride to NYU. With her new found independence, Phoebe said goodbye to her little ol’ hometown, and kissed her family goodbye with her guitar strapped onto her back and a lone suitcase that she lugged all the way to New York. With promises to write them everyday, and frequent returns throughout the year, it was a promise Phoebe couldn’t quite keep.
After a few months, her letter quit arriving and her holiday trips would constantly get pushed back until even the daily phone calls stopped. Her world had quickly become wrapped up in her ever-growing music career and the determination to be discovered was turning into a raw addiction. With gigs after gigs lined up for her and her then band (led by her then boyfriend), it was a lifestyle Phoebe yearned for, craved even. They were unstoppable with their name in lights almost every weekend and an onstage chemistry that was unmatched by the local talent. However, that had all came crashing down around after the news from home finally reached her.
Her father’s unexpected illness caused an ache so deep in Phoebe’s heart that she wasn’t sure how to recover from it. Her aspirations and dreams had been set aside, tossed on the back burner to rush back home to her parent’s side and care for her ill-stricken father at the tender age of 25; which in turn caused her then relationship to take an unexpected break. since then, phoebe has continued to take charge of her family once more — exchanging guitar strings for saddles and stilettos for a very worn in pair of boots; only fitting since she had taken over for her father at ward ranch. every once in awhile the thrill of singing in front of a crowd jolts her alive and she often sneaks away from her tiresome days to belt a tune or two down at neon moon, hoping her old beau would somehow make an appearance and bring that long lost spark back into her life.
Portrayed by DAKOTA JOHNSON, written by LIZ.
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How bad was purple hearts? I was interested in seeing it, it's on my watchlist. How bad is it?
Do you have any alternatives?
It’s one of the worst movies I’ve seen this year. It’s jingoistic, racist, misogynistic, and features some of the most annoying musical stylings I’ve ever heard. Neither lead is likable. The hero is a conservative who “both sides” a liberal woman and a guy who says he’s going to Iraq to “kill Arabs” and the heroine is a strawman liberal whose problems would be solved if she just focused on getting a job with health insurance. Which, yeah, that can be difficult to get, but she’d literally just rather play gigs so my sympathy is limited. She exists to be owned by his conservative talking points and learn to understand military life while he (a man who says some pretty rough shit about immigrants to her, the daughter of an undocumented immigrant, in their first meeting) learns nothing.
The plot makes no sense. He’s a recovering drug addict who owes $15k (which suggests an addiction to hard shit, which also would likely interfere with his physical performance as a marine but okay) to the least convincing dealer on earth while also exhibiting no signs of temptation or withdrawal. There’s an astoundingly tone deaf treatment of people of color in the film, from the way undocumented immigrants are condemned to the classic “marked for death black man”.
All the leads do is bicker and fight and then have randomly inserted soft moments that they did nothing to work for.
I would recommend watching Dear John starring Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried, tbh. It’s bland as fuck but the leads are likable and it doesn’t try to convince you that a liberal and a conservative can find love post-2016. Other than that…. I don’t really watch milspo fantasy romances, tbh? Being with a guy who’s in the military is like, a nightmare scenario for me, so I don’t seek them out and only watch them when they come recommended by people I trust. I only watched this movie because of the marriage of convenience factor. It was fun to mock it with my friends, but it’s horrible.
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Sound of Metal Commentary
Sound of Metal - Welcoming the Serenity of the Sound of Silence
Director: Darius Marder
Cinematography: Daniel Bouquet
Genre: Drama
This commentary contains spoilers as I describe the plot in detail!
Upon first glance at the poster, I had an odd feeling that this film would be quite like Whiplash, one of my all time favourites. It was likely my simple mind went "about a drummer who loves drumming, must be like Whiplash!". This film is not Whiplash, and I am glad for it.
The film follows Ruben (Riz Ahmed), a drummer in a heavy metal duo with his girlfriend, Lou (Olivia Cooke). They embark on their tour of the US, performing gigs at intimate but lively venues. It is after one of these gigs that Ruben begins to lose his hearing, eventually becoming almost entirely deaf. Desperate to get his hearing back, he visits the pharmacy, and then a doctor who tells him there is not much he can do apart from reducing his exposure to loud sounds, obviously implying he stop drumming. This is something Ruben is unwilling to accept. He sets his sights on saving up for expensive cochlear implants which, he believes, will 'cure' him.
After a poor performance during one of their gigs, Ruben admits to Lou that he can't hear anything. Throughout their heated conversations, it becomes clear that Ruben used to be an addict. Lou increasingly worries that he will use again because of the distress caused by his hearing loss. Ruben eventually joins a centre for deaf recovering addicts when Lou reassures him that they'll reunite and continue their music after he gets better.
The pacing of this film was incredibly clever, and undoubtedly part of the idea of 'achieving serenity' that Marder wishes to convey. We begin the film thrusted into one of Ruben's performances, almost immediately swept into the exhilaration of it all. Then we're bathed in domestic tranquillity as he and Lou drive from city to city in their cozy RV, making each other green smoothies and listening to soft tunes, driving through lush fields and countryside.
When Ruben loses his hearing, we are dropped into a strangely silent world of chaos and desperation. It is only when Ruben agrees to join the community for deaf recovery addicts that the film really slows down, that there is room to breathe. It's a shaky beginning for him at first, since he knows no sign language and because of this is painfully isolated. Joe (Paul Raci), the leader of the centre gives Ruben only one task: LEARN HOW TO BE DEAF. Of course, Ruben has still not come to terms with the fact that this is permanent, that he is deaf. We begin to wonder whether Ruben was right, whether this was a bad idea. But with the help of Joe and sign language teacher Diane (Lauren Ridloff), as time passes, he finally begins to integrate, becoming a valued member of the deaf community.
He's no longer alone, he's laughing at the dinner table with the other residents, he's teaching children how to drum, and he's making friends! In a beautiful way, he shows that he can continue to live out his passion for drumming while spreading this joy on to others.
But Ruben can't help but wonder what has become of Lou. He can't help himself when he sneakily uses the centre's computer to check up on her. With an expression that is difficult to decipher, Ruben watches a video of her performing, though the genre is vastly different from that of their heavy metal duo days. He resolves to return to recover his hearing, return to her, and return to the music scene.
To this end, he sells his RV and his possessions, including his beloved drum kit, all so he can afford the cochlear implants he was so set upon. He undergoes his surgery and returns to the centre. But there, he finds Joe waiting for him, saddened and disappointed by Ruben's decision. His opinion of what Ruben has done is probably best summarised by his own words:
"As you know, everybody here shares in the belief that being deaf is not a handicap. Not something to fix. It's pretty important around here. All these kids... all of us, need to be reminded of it every day."
And so Ruben cannot be part of the community, because he simply doesn't share this belief, because his decision to get cochlear implants goes against everything the community stands for. Ruben lashes out, asking Joe "why it matters", stating that "everything passes". Joe responds:
"The world does keep moving, and it can be a damn cruel place. But for me, those moments of stillness, that place, that's the kingdom of God."
Ruben is asked to leave the community.
For a moment, we have some hope as Ruben goes to his second appointment, this time to set up the transmitter, but our hope is soon dashed. Of course the implants haven't restored his hearing fully - it was too good to be true. Instead he hears the world as a collection of odd robot-like sounds that are scratchy and shrill, almost unbearably so for the audience who hear these sounds through Ruben's implants.
We see Ruben once again alone, plunged in miserable solitude, and though he can hear, it's almost impossible for him to make sense of the world. We are reminded acutely of when he lost his hearing in the first place, when he struggled to communicate with Lou and the doctor, when he first joined the deaf community and sat in silence whilst others conversed in sign language all around him.
Wanting to return to drumming and still believing he will be able to, in spite of his disappointment with the cochlear implants, he visits Lou's father's large home where she has been staying. Her wealthy father hosts a rather formal dinner party, at which he asks Lou to sing while he plays the piano. Together, they sing a duet in French while Ruben looks on. Her singing is beautiful to our ears, though we cannot understand the words. But soon the sound of Lou's delicate singing and her father's harmonising morphs into something even more indecipherable and unrecognisable, something robotic and digital. We are hearing what Ruben hears. He has recovered his hearing, but can no longer understand Lou or even bear to hear her sing because of the distortion caused by his implants. This time, he finally accepts that they're no longer walking the same path, that Lou has moved on from the past, and that he must, too.
The message of the plot is helpfully conveyed through Bouquet's beautiful cinematography and colour-grading. In almost all moments of peace and serenity in Ruben's life, we see bright colours, soft greens and gentle breeze. We see this when he and Lou are driving peacefully in his RV, when he finally begins to integrate into the deaf community, and when he realises that he can bring joy to the deaf children through the reverberation caused by drumming.
These lush greens are a stark contrast against the dull greys and browns we see when Ruben first loses his hearing, and again when he completes his cochlear procedure. The world has once again lost its colour and tranquillity, despite the fact that he can hear once more.
At the end of the film, Ruben leaves Lou's house and aimlessly wanders through a lush park until he finds a bench. Ruben sits, staring despairingly up at a bell tower that is chiming deafeningly, sounding unbearable to the audience through Ruben's ears. He takes off his transmitter and it's a relief to the audience as we are basked in peaceful silence. There are soft green bushes in the background, some pinkish flowers blurred behind Ruben.
The expression on Ruben's face is that of serenity, and like Joe said, "serenity is no longer wishing you had a different past". Ruben has finally learned how to be deaf. He has finally found his "kingdom of God".
I watched this on a plane, but a sorely wish I'd seen it in cinemas. Between the phenomenal acting, especially by Riz Ahmed, the incredible sound-design, the gorgeous cinematography, perfect pacing and surprisingly hopeful ending, I gave it a 9 out of 10.
Ellen's Rating: 9/10 (06/07/2022)
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It's November now. here I am trying to re-discover myself again while I'm recovering. October was a challenge for me as I'm facing my social anxiety, depression, mood swing, facing my guilts/sins and on the bright side, I've learned myself that I am highly sensitive person.
I've finally able to be totally vulnerable, slowly applying and control my emotions. I've been sober for nine weeks now and I'm not sure if it is a good thing for me. Despite my crying episodes reflecting the mess I've done couple months ago.
My ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder is awakening again. I, actually hate to take medications, rely on them and that's the reason why I turned myself into recreational drugs and alcohol, combined them together when I was 11. I've made my GP appointment tomorrow for a referral for psychiatrist. Hopefully, it works. fingers crossed.
I've been seeing reiki/shaman to heal my energy within me twice a week. They told me that I've got beautiful energy and there is energy which I haven't discover, waiting to be explode or unleash.
I went 2 metal gigs. Bury Tomorrow and Thornhill. First, Bury Tomorrow, at Max Watts. The vibe was great, chaotic and I managed to break the barrier. The setlist was great, playing the old-skool metal core. Dan, awesome as always since the last time I saw him at UK 2014. LIONHEART!!! I managed to chat with him after the show with my own personal problems and struggles. He's a lovely man.
Thornhill, went with DP, mental. Still, managed to break the barrier. I made Mil & Mas to do it as well. I'm still chaotic, in a good way. I bumped into B & C. B gave that freezing, stunned, grudge, hate, anger aura to me for what I've done to his best friend. Also, I bumped into Salm8, giving me the spooky, huh reaction. I, honestly, trying to avoid but I was anxious in social interaction, clenching my teeth, filling with the guilt. Bloody ell.
Up until now, I'm still wondering why most the people I've known hate C? What C has done to them? I'm not judgemental person. People can be complex which I find it fascinating or else we are not humans afterall.
A, the chaotic Heyoka empath, crashed to my place last Sunday. He hasn't sleep and his thigh was sore. I was helping him with dry needling and TENS machine, which contracts the muscle. He told me the goss, How HBR celebrate the 8th birthday party, the T-shirt print, OMG, so damn bloody covert-narc BNYV. I know A hates BNYV and B. He also told me how he found, a bag of K at HBR, and L, this witch apprentice , trying to be lawful and chaotic at the same time, losing her K. Well, I could gave her K for free tbh but K and Coke was my personal addiction. Coke makes me more aggressive. K, on the other hand, dissociates or alter myself.
This past few days, I've discover myself that I'm able to do astral-projection without psychedelic drugs. I haven't master it yet but at some point I will.
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I was right. I was and am becoming more uncomfortable in myself. A few things to think about: I was struggling with my mental health as well as my hormonal health when I got into a relationship. I was overweight. During my relationship I started to eat better, I was diagnosed with ADHD and I started taking meds after going off anti-depressants to help with my hormone disorder and OCD. I started taking hormone replacement therapy to balance my hormones.
I had quite low energy, low self esteem at times but I was becoming more positive in my relationship. Fast forward, my relationship began to break down and I was getting more and more depressive. It was now post-covid and many of my friends and myself included struggled with mental health issues due to the isolation of lockdowns. Honestly, I still haven't recovered from that and I think many others are in the same boat as me, struggling to reconnect.
My relationship ended after many broken promises, me feeling completely disregarded and alone and staying for too long because I thought the situation might improve. I found out my partner was a porn addict which affected my confidence and subsequently, my mental health even further. I was very down. I had a mental health emergency where I went into psychosis due to the stress I was under when my partner moved out. I was able to grieve my relationship finally after 2-3 months of trying to squash my feelings down. I attended emergency therapy with a counsellor and then went back to see my regular psych every week. I wasn't able to completely heal and talk about my situation, I hid some of my emotions and true feelings due to internalised shame.
Around this time I started a new job. I didn't take any time off work during this period. I was physically, mentally and emotionally drained and exhausted. Months went past and it became apparent my boss was manipulating me at work, and engaging in emotionally damage tactics purposefully. Maybe to make herself feel better, or to get rid of me, I'm not entirely sure. Possibly both. My attempts to repair this relationship weren't successful. I did speak to a work counselling service, and I took sick days to take care of my mental health.
After 6 month I was made redundant. Even though it was stressful, and I felt let down by my workplace and severely mistreated, I was also relieved that I was no longer in this situation and I could finally look after myself. I was lost when it came to looking for another career, and honestly I didn't know what to do, but I started tattooing and did my first gig at a studio. this did a lot for my confidence, it was also a job I really enjoyed and I had persevered and taken on the challenge.
But now, I am back in an office job and my confidence has plummeted and my anxiety is just so loud.
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I feel like I only come here to complain.
My friend is in denial about her marriage. He's never around, he literally is not home most of the week at night because he's out gigging. I would never be okay with my husband being out all night four nights a week fishing. And when I say all night he's not making it home until 6 am. She makes Excuses for it. Saying it makes him happy and she doesn't Mind him being away while she's just sleeping. I call bullshit. She mentioned she's been having trouble sleeping lately. I bet I know why, wondering where your husband is at all hours of the night.
Mind you, hes a recovering meth addict. Hes been clean 5ish years. Im not saying hes smoking meth again, but I am saying there is a reason hes away from the home as much as possible.
He has 2 boys at home.
I can't talk to her about it because she defends him no matter what, she will make an excuse and defend one hundred percent of the time.
she will make it ok in her head.
i have to mind my business, its not my husband, but its my best friend, so its hard.
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