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cxdemistake · 7 months

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—Time slips away!

Burn out, don’t fade!

Dance on my grave!

I will never be them!—

Indie multimuse, multifandom blog.

Canon and OC muses present

Currently mobile-only

Semi-selective, semi-active

Open to asks and messages

More info (link to OCs, list of canon muses, writer info, and rules) under the cut.

OC Links

*Note: A few characters’ appearances/voices have changed, so make sure to check out the tags on the blog. OCs are tagged with “; (name)”— for example, my character Myarel is tagged with “; myarel” (no quotations).*

Canon Muses

*Note: Many of these muses aren’t listed on my muse page due to being unable to update said page from my phone. Muse tags vary. Some are tagged with fancy tags but I may switch between those and regular tags. They’re listed here in alphabetical order by fandom.*

**Edit: I’ve also marked which fandoms/muses are most active. Very active fandoms will be bolded, semi-active italic, and dormant/needing some time before interaction are regular text. I’ll also put an asterisk after new muses/muses I haven’t played yet. I beg that if a fandom isn’t bolded or italicized that you discuss it with me before sending something in or making a starter— I have a lot of muses and it takes time to get into the swing of new ones when I’m not in the right mindset!**

The Arcana: Asra Alnazar*, Julian Devorak, Portia Devorak*, Faust

American Gods: Mad Sweeney

Assassin’s Creed: Ezio Auditore da Firenze*, Aveline de Grandpré

Avatar: The Last Airbender: Zuko*

Back 4 Blood: Karlee*, Evangelo*

Baldur’s Gate 3: Astarion*

Boondock Saints: Murphy MacManus*

Call of Duty: Simon “Ghost” Riley*, Johnny “Soap” MacTavish*

Chappie: Chappie*

Columbo: Lt. Frank Columbo*

Dead Island/Riptide: Sam B, John Morgan*

Detroit: Become Human: Connor, Markus*

Dirty Bomb: Vassili*

Disturbed (band): The Guy*

Dream Daddy: Damien Bloodmarch*, Robert Small*

Dying Light: Kyle Crane*, Rahim*, Karim*

FNAF: Cupcake

Hazbin Hotel: Alastor, Angel Dust, Charlie, Husk, Lucifer

Homestuck: Gamzee, Calsprite

I, Frankenstein: Adam

Into the Badlands: Baron Quinn*

Jet Set Radio Future: Yoyo*

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure: Jonathan Joestar*, Joseph Joestar, Jotaro Kujo*, Josuke Higashikata*, Giorno Giovanna*, Jolyne Cujoh*, Caesar Zeppeli

Kingdom Hearts: Axel

Left 4 Dead 2: Ellis, Nick

Marvel: Nightcrawler*, Moon Knight*, Eddie Brock/Venom*

Monster High: River Styxx*, Operetta*, Frankie Stein*

The Nightmare Before Christmas: Jack Skellington*

Obey Me!: Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub, Belphegor, Diavolo

Onmyoji: Yasha*, Hiromasa*, Susabi*

Pirates of the Caribbean: Captain Jack Sparrow*

Portal: GLaDOS

Red Dead Redemption: John Marston*, Arthur Morgan*

Rise of the Guardians: Jack Frost*

Skullgirls: Valentine

Stardew Valley: Shane*

Steven Universe: Garnet*, Ruby*, Sapphire*, Sunstone*, Sardonyx*, Rainbow Quartz 2.0*

Spiritfarer: Gwen*

Suicide Squad: Diablo

Undertale/Deltarune: Papyrus, Sans, Susie*

Until Dawn: Chris*

The Village: Ivy Walker

Walking Dead/Fear: Negan Smith, Daryl Dixon, Morgan Jones, Shiva, Victor Strand*, Qaletaqa Walker*, Crazy Dog*

Warframe: Excalibur Umbra*

Warm Bodies: R, M

What We Do In The Shadows: Nandor the Relentless*, Viago*, Vladislav*

Info About The Writer

Hi! I’m Alistair— you can call me that, or you can use my username for pretty much everywhere else, TheetyPie/Theety. I don’t mind either way.

I’m a trans guy, I use he/they pronouns. I’m panromantic/asexual, and I’m 27 years old.

I have 3 cats, they’re my babies. I also (as you can tell from above) have a lot of OCs, and the number is still growing. I want to turn my ideas into a bigger creation someday, still not sure exactly where I want to go with it.

I do more than write. I do art, I like video games, music, and just collecting stuff. Current obsessions are Monster High, Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, makeup, crystals, and jewelry.

Rules

The most important: I do not RP smut. In the past I’ve used the fade-to-black method, but I’m not entirely comfortable with that with most of my muses.

In the same vein, DO NOT FORCE SHIPS. I love ships as much as the next guy, but I would prefer to discuss it first, or for us to agree on it. It’s cool if your muse has a crush, totally fine— mine get crushes all the time! But make sure if you want to ship, we discuss it first.

In a similar vein to that one as well, no god-modding/powerplaying. If your character is strong, an immortal being, or whatever, cool! I have some of those too. But there should always be a limit. Don’t say your character is moving mine unless we’ve talked about that. Attempt to move them. Usually I follow along as long as boundaries aren’t pushed.

Don’t kill or seriously injure my muse without permission. Fights happen, of course, but again: discussion. I’m up for threads where my canon muses are injured or killed, but not where it happens to my OCs, unless we’re getting into a backstory and another OC that’s already deceased dies. Non-serious injuries are alright to come out of nowhere with, but if it’s a first meeting, I’d prefer to plot it out.

I’m semi-selective. I’m kind of particular about who I follow and who I thread with. I prefer us to be mutuals to thread, but you don’t have to be mutuals to send me things.

I’m very bad at keeping up with people. If you message me and I don’t respond, it’s usually bc I’m shy, I forgot, or I’m busy with work. It’s not you, I promise. Usually I don’t message first bc I’m nervous.

Back to shipping: I’m also multiship. Usually my ships are in different universes, unless discussed with all parties beforehand. The exception is a few of my OCs that are partnered together— ask about their availability. I love random ships, just talk to me about them!

I love duplicates of my muses. Whether it’s “x meets self” or I find someone I share a muse with, I love RPing with just about everyone. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if we have a muse in common!

One of my other most important statements, not really considered a rule, but it’s still important: if you want to know something about any muse, canon or OC, please tell me— ask or message me! I haven’t been able to write down a lot of info about any of them because I’m on mobile, but I will infodump for you if you need/want to know something. I love talking about my children, they’re precious to me.

If you send something in or make something for me when we haven’t even spoken, I might not feel comfortable responding. I’m very shy and nervous about not having any discussion beforehand. 😭

If there’s anything I left out or you need to know, just ask!

#cxdemistake #fjsjfjf this took a while #also look at all the muses #this is what happens when I consume tons of media on a break #I cling to 20000 fictional characters and need to write them #fhdjfj #also consider this my promo #pls reblog to help me find more active peeps #thx!#; promo

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deadguydeathmatch · 1 year

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The Dead Guy Death Match Bracket Is Here!

Round 1 will be split into 4 waves of 16 24 hour polls and each wave will be posted 24 hours after the previous. The first wave will start on Tuesday the 18th of April at 3pm BST

The matchups are listed under the readmore and will be hyperlinked to the polls when they go up.

The matchups were all randomised although I did make minor adjustments if I thought one was much too unfair.

Also tagging @tournamentdirectory as I haven't already

Wave 1:

Charles Foster Kane (Citizen Kane) Vs Gavroche Thenardier (Les Miserables)

Leif (Bug Fables) Vs Queen Serenity (Sailor Moon)

L (Death Note) Vs Jonny D'Ville (The Mechanisms)

Noah Czerny (The Raven Cycle) Vs Lee Everett (The Walking Dead)

Pat Butcher (BBC Ghosts) Vs Xerxes Break (Pandora Hearts)

Captain Orimar Vale (Skyjacks Campaign Podcast) Vs Laura Palmer (Twin Peaks)

Diallos Hoslow (Elden Ring) Vs Rachel Amber (Life Is Strange)

Andrei Grandier (Rose Of Versailles) Vs Constance Blackwood (Ride The Cyclone)

Spock (Star Trek) Vs Maria Robotnik (Sonic The Hedgehog)

Kravitz (The Adventure Zone) Vs Sal Fisher (Sally Face)

Mari (Omori) Vs Ianto Jones (Torchwood)

Nate (Leverage) Vs Max (Sam and Max)

Owen Carvour (Spies Are Forever) Vs Vylad Ro'Meave (Minecraft Diaries)

Neil Perry (Dead Poet's Society) Vs Sayaka Miki (Madoka Magica)

Flapjack (The Owl House) Vs Maes Hughes (Fullmetal Alchemist)

Loki (Marvel) Vs Adam Faulkner Stanheight (Saw)

Wave 2:

Obi Wan Kenobi (Star Wars) Vs Diggory Graves (Hello From The Hallowoods)

Hugo Oak (Kipo And The Age Of Wonderbeasts) Vs Leonardo Hamato (Rise Of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie)

Chara (Undertale) Vs Magnus Chase (Magnus Chase)

River Song (Doctor Who) Vs Micheal Afton (Five Nights At Freddy's)

Catherine Earnshaw (Wurthering Heights) Vs Tara Maclay (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)

Laudna (Critical Role) Vs Aerith Gainsborough (Final Fantasy)

Mia Fey (Ace Attorney) Vs Jay Gatsby (The Great Gatsby)

Meiko 'Menma' Honma (The Flower We Saw That Day) Vs Claire Foley (Professor Layton)

Grelle Sutcliff (Black Butler) Vs Skelly (Hades)

Ethan Winters (Resident Evil) Vs Portgas D Ace (One Piece)

Polly Geist (Monster Prom) Vs Hua Cheng (Heaven's Official Blessing)

Avatar Kyoshi (Avatar The Last Airbender) Vs Galivar Kholin (Stormlight Archive)

Pink/Orchid (Animation Vs Animator/Minecraft) Vs Lewis Pepper (Mystery Skulls Animated)

Gideon Nav (The Locked Tomb) Vs Stoick The Vast (How To Train Your Dragon)

Evelyn Hooper (Less is Morgue) Vs Manny Calavera (Grim Fandango)

Kokichi Oma (Danganronpa) Vs Silco (Arcane)

Wave 3:

Eurydice (Greek Mythology) Vs Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead)

Jack Twist (Brokeback Mountain) Vs Charles Vane (Black Sails)

Howard Hamlin (Better Call Saul) Vs Jason Grace (Riordanverse)

Nora Hildegard (The Vampire Diaries) Vs Gerard Keay (The Magnus Archives)

Manny (Swiss Army Man) Vs Matoro (Bionicle)

Wen Ning (Mo Dao Zu Shi) Vs Kikyo (Inuyasha)

Yuri Nakamura (Angel Beats) Vs Simon Kain (Pathologic)

Deep Throat (The X Files) Vs La Signora (Genshin Impact)

Esmeralda (The Hunchback Of Notre Dame Novel) Vs Ursula Zandt/Silhouette (Watchmen Comics)

Nageki Fujishiro (Hatoful Boyfriend) Vs Tuba (Infinity Train)

Beetlejuice (Beetlejuice) Vs Arthur Morgan (Red Dead Redemption)

Oda Sakunoske (Bungou Stray Dogs) Vs Rose Quartz (Steven Universe)

Duncan (Dragon Age) Vs Junpei Yoshino (Jujitsu Kaisen)

Quincey Morris (Dracula) Vs Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)

Deadman (DC Comics) Vs Breakdown (Transformers)

Draal The Deadly (Troll Hunters) Vs Castiel (Supernatural)

Wave 4:

Matsuri Kanroji (Demon Slayer) Vs Midori (Your Turn To Die)

Kelsier (Mistborn) Vs Peter 'Parker' Yang (Malevolent Podcast)

Tadashi Hamada (Big Hero 6) Vs Noriaki Kakyoin (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure)

Erik (The Phantom Of The Opera) Vs Matthias Helvar (Six Of Crows)

Tigerstar (Warrior Cats) Vs Boromir (The Lord Of The Rings)

Joel Miller (The Last Of Us) Vs Pedro Madrigal (Encanto)

Rufus Emeterio (They Both Die At The End) Vs King Arthur (King Arthur)

Bunny Corcoran (The Secret History) Vs Lenore (Nevermore Webtoon)

Sliver Of Straw (Rain World) Vs Bow (Inanimate Insanity)

Chidi Anagonye (The Good Place) Vs Nicholas D Wolfwood (Trigun)

Tiso (Hollow Knight) Vs Okudera (Yakuza 5)

Koki Kariya (The World Ends With You) Vs Horst Cabal (Johannes Cabal)

Mr Boddy (Clue) Vs Garret Jacob Hobbs (Hannibal)

Eddie Kaspbrak (IT) Vs Emily (Corpse Bride)

Ash Lynx (Banana Fish) Vs Ophelia (Hamlet)

Eddie Munson (Stranger Things) Vs Kili (The Hobbit)

#tournament updates #tournament dates #round 1 #tournament bracket #tournaments #dead characters #spoilers #also just like the elimination round i refuse to tag every series and spoiler in this post #but i will on the actual polls

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corroded-hellfire · 6 months

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10 Characters

Tagged by @munson-blurbs and @inourtownofhawkins 🥰

I would just like to say how insanely hard this was because I am in love with far too many fictional characters and I could’ve named like 50, I s2g

Eddie Munson (Stranger Things)

Sebastian Smythe (Glee)

Bucky Barnes (MCU)

Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)

Steve Harrington (Stranger Things)

Feyre Archeron (A Court of Thorns and Roses)

Quinn Fabray (Glee)

Ariel (The Little Mermaid)

Jesper Fahey (Six of Crows / Shadow and Bone)

Elphaba Thropp (Wicked)

Tagging @joejoequinnquinn @hellfire--cult @b-irock @big-ope-vibes @br0ck-eddie @jo-harrington @ghost-proofbaby @ches-86 @word-wytch @storiesbyrhi 😘

#tag game

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acircusfullofdemons · 6 months

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Ref Sheets 2/?: Crossfire Edition!

Crossfire is about a young man named Jake, who recently got amnesia and is trying to regain his memories. In reality, he's actually an Angel that got cast out of Heaven and put into a Human body as a form of "time out", which is also technically part of a bet some other Angels have going on. Tldr this is the angel/demon story lol.

I wasn't able to draw a lot more characters this time, mainly because they come in later in the story and tbh I'm not 100% sure on their roles n shit yet. Except for Daniel, he appears early on and SHOULD be here but. alas.

You can view their toyhouse profiles here.

🏷 : @burningivy @shrimpnymph

( 👻 ) Paige "Willow" Murphy (she/her): Ghost who lost her memories, Davy's best friend.

( 🍂 ) Brooke Winchester (she/her): Annoying ass cheerleader that framed Nox for murder once.

( 🔮 ) Nox Hyde (he/they): Reboot!Shadow/Shadow reincarnated. Has their own sideplot where their dad — aka Life/Vitalis — is tryna kill them for being happy basically.

( 🐇 ) Jake Rivers (he/him): Angel who lost his memories after getting put in the worst time out possible (stuck in a human body until he Learns his Lesson).

( 🗝 ) Veronica Devlin (she/her): Angel that lowkey helped start a cult.

( 🥩 ) Connor Wolfe (he/it): That Thing in The Woods. Cannibalistic werewolf that somehow adopted Willow after she died. idk either man.

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antihero-writings · 11 days

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Waving Through the Veil (Ch 1)

Fandom: Dear Evan Hansen (Book and Musical)

Summary: Evan is haunted by Connor. No, literally haunted. His ghost shows up after hearing Evan's lie about the Orchard, and Evan can actually see him. But, as weird as this situation is, maybe this is how they can become real friends after all.

Note: The one thing I’ve always wanted to see from this franchise, ever since first watching the musical, but even more so after reading the book, is the ghost of Connor being able to have a relationship with Evan. So...I decided to write it! This is written in the style of the book, and will probably mostly follow the book, (I even include some passages from it), but I will probably draw from the musical at times too, depending on what portrayal of something I like best. For those of you who have read the book, the fic begins in the middle of the first scene of chapter 9. I hope you enjoy!! If you do, please don't hesitate to leave a comment to let me know!! It's your comments that fics like this going <3

Chapter 1: All we See Are Ghosts

I didn't bother turning the light on as I flopped down on the couch with the signature groan of a man who’s hit rock bottom. Well maybe not rockbottom, but sediment bottom at least. I think we learned about that in science class; it’s where the fossils are get stuck…That’s pretty much how I feel at the moment.

I'm not sure why I keep reporting back to Jared after every new disaster. I never feel better after our chats. Jared has a way of highlighting my errors so they seem even worse than I first realized.

But I'm so lost right now, sitting alone on the couch in my dark living room. Jared is the only person in the entire world who has even the slightest appreciation for where I am.

I bring Jared up to speed with what happened at the Murphys. We end up texting for a while, and, at this point, my stomach is still churning from the conversation, especially the prospect of making fake emails. Fake emails...to continue the lie I didn't intend to start.

What is wrong with me? Seriously. Why do I keep fooling myself into thinking that the worst that could happen has already happened? Things always get worse. It's guaranteed. That's how life works. You're born and you keep getting older and grayer and sicker, and no matter what effort you make to reverse the process, you die. Every single time To repeat: worse, worse, worse, and then death. I have a long way to go before the worst. This is only the beginning.

And these emails...I'd be giving them what they want—what they need. I'd be helping them.

It's tempting. It really is. But it's also...sick? I can't keep doing this, deceiving these poor people. I'm not cut out for it.

At one point tonight it felt like I was sweating from my eyes—that's how anxious I was. Had I perspired another drop, I might have mummified. I can't go on like this. I'm all drained out.

I turn my phone over so it's facedown. The light from the screen waves over my cast. The memory of the story I conjured up for the Murphys hits me anew. They were talking about the orchard, and I guess the way they were talking about it made me think of Ellison Park. And I can no longer think of Ellison Park without thinking of the tree, and my fall. Connor wasn’t there that day, of course. But I guess...he could've been. when I was telling the story…it was almost like he was. Suddenly thinking of him being there to come get me…everything felt okay. Or at least not not okay. And 'not okay' is how I usually feel.

I’m considering going up to my room when I hear a voice speak:

“So you took my advice after all. It was a nice story, I’ll give you that. No racist-punching, but better than the truth at least.”

I fall off the couch and let out a scream that I’ll admit isn’t very manly.

I realize I probably should have turned on said light, because if I had, I might have noticed someone in the room. And that would have been scary, yes, but probably less scary than simply hearing a disembodied voice suddenly talking to me.

I’ve prepared—well, not so much prepared as worried, which masquerades remarkably well as preparation—for people breaking into my house longer than I’ve worried about the Murphys. Though, to be fair, I expected them to come with knives and/or guns and threats...not talking about advice and punching racists. (The people breaking in, not the Murphys).

The living room isn’t that far from the kitchen, I probably should be going for a knife. Instead I just try to scramble away on the couch and don’t make much distance.

“Who-Who are you?!” I demand, (or, at least, I try to demand, but it sounds more like a squeal), “Why are you in my house?!”

The perp makes a noise like a scoff. “So you can hear me. I thought you might have seen me the other day but I—“ He stops himself.

I stop in my scrambling too, because it’s starting to hit me, like spice that takes a second to set your mouth on fire.

I know that voice. It isn’t the voice of a strange burglar or serial killer—or at least, I don’t think he is but I guess I can’t rule it out, because it’s—

It’s a voice that can’t be speaking to me right now. Literally can't.

“Still,” He’s not disembodied after all, because his shadow walks over to the shelf. Despite the realization, or maybe because of it, I resume my scrambling, finally making it off the couch and onto my feet, (not without falling over first). “That’s some psychotic bullshit you barfed up. One moment you’re writing some creepy note about my sister, trying to make everyone to think I’m crazy, next thing I know you have dinner with my family, talking shit about how we were friends, telling stories about how we went to the orchard together. I’ve never been very good at math, tell me,” I can’t really see him but something tells me he’s turning to me with those blue death rays, “how does that add up?”

Somehow in my scrambling I’ve made it to the light switch, and my fingers clutch it like its a lifesaver thrown out to my pitifully struggling body at sea.

I’m not quite sure I wouldn’t rather drown.

I flick my finger, turning on the light.

I already knew I’d regret it before I turned it on, and, when I did, the regret hit me instantly and intensely, like the spice finally kicking in.

Standing there in his thick boots, and ripped jeans, and long, messy hair, and eyes that analyze my soul is Connor Murphy.

I cover my mouth, breath gaining about ten pounds, heart gaining a hundred, but still running anyways.

“Holy—Holy shit.” I say into my hand. “Holy fuck.”

Connor smirks. “At least someone has the decency to react.”

“You’re—but you—You’re alive?! You’ve been alive this whole time?!”

His eyes darken, dart away. “Not alive, no.”

“Well w-what else could you be?!” I stutter, reaching my tremoring hand into my pocket for my meds, my Ativen—maybe I’ll find my sanity in there if I dig far enough. He’s walking towards me and my heartbeat has gone past the hundred mile-per-hour mark to the speed of light. “I mean, dead people don’t just show up in people’s houses—!”

He leans forward and swipes his hand at me, and I tense, thinking he’s going to knock the pills out of my hand, but instead his fingers go right through me.

I let myself look up at him, finally understanding.

Up at the kid who I always tried to avoid. The kid whose sister I have a crush on. The kid who pushed me at lunch the other day. At the kid who took my letter in the computer lab. The kid I was terrified would ruin my life with that letter (well, more ruined than it already is). The kid who I'm pretending was my best friend. The kid who killed himself.

At Connor Murphy’s ghost.

“Excuse me for a moment.”

The pills scatter on the couch before I have a chance to attempt to get even one down, and I scramble to the bathroom to empty what little of Cynthia’s dinner I actually ate into the toilet.

In between heaves I try to think, to wrap my brain around this, to just have a second to breathe, not really able to do or have any of the above.

Step one: Connor Murphy steals my letter. The letter I wrote to myself. One that was more honest than it strictly should have been.

Step two: Connor Murphy kills himself.

Step three: Connor Murphy’s parents think my letter is his suicide note.

Step four: I can’t bring myself to tell the truth, so I end up going to the wake, and going to dinner at the Murphys’ house, and fabricating some crazy story about us having a picturesque friendship, and planning on making secret emails—

Step five: Connor Murphy’s ghost appears to me in my room.

Like an actual ghost. Yesterday I didn’t believe those existed. I think my mom does, and I always liked watching documentaries about haunted houses. But what I like about the documentaries is they often include a scientific explanation.

And aren’t ghosts supposed to be like…scary? I mean, don’t get me wrong this is scary, Connor is scary—he was scary before he died. But I always thought ghosts were supposed to be like something out of a horror movie, covered in rotting flesh, unable to do anything but moan and scream. Not the kid you happen to be pretending you were best friends with showing up in your room.

No, no, actually, I think I know what’s going on here. Yeah. There’s no ghost. This isn’t happening. The stuff with the letter didn’t even happen either. There was actually a step zero in there:

Step zero is I went insane.

When I manage to get the courage to come back into the room. He’s disappeared. I’ll admit, I was kinda hoping for that. I’m half relieved—more like fifteen sixteenths. Perhaps he was a hallucination after all. All those skipped dinners getting to me, when I actually ate something my body couldn’t handle it. I do my best to clean up the scattered pills on the couch, and the scattered thoughts in my brain.

But then I walk upstairs to my room I find I was wrong.

“I’ve gotten a lot reactions over the years,” he remarks when I get back. “Can’t say I’ve ever had that one.”

“Sorry, I—It’s just—I just—you’re…you’re here.”

“Not because I want to be, believe me. I’d rather be practically anywhere else.” His hand passes through my shelf.

“And you’re dead.”

“Come on.” He feigns offense. “A little respect for your dearly departed. I mean we were best friends, after all.”

“Oh god.” That’s right, the dinner. I'd tried to block out the fact that he mentioned my story earlier. “You really heard all that?!”

“Didn’t intend to go back to my house. Died to be rid of it, after all. But I did, and I saw you there, and I couldn’t fathom why. And here you were spouting the most incredible fucking bullshit about how we were friends.”

“Yeah-Um-So-Well—“ I breathe out, trying to get my lungs to work properly. I thought the Murphy’s house felt hot earlier. This is a couple degrees hotter than the Sahara.

I just want this day to end. What demon (if ghosts exist, those probably exist, after all) marked their calendar for Torment-Evan-Day? I mean, that’s kinda every day, but this is a specially-crafted brand of torture.

“The-” I swallow. “The-The letter? You know, the one that you took from me?" Then, realizing that sounds accusatory, I add, "I-I’m sure you didn’t mean to.” I shake my head. I’m trying my best to tell the truth without making him upset. It feels like a futile endeavor. “Your parents think youwrote it. T-To me, I mean. They think it was your”—I don’t know how or why, but I manage to look him in the eye—“suicide note.”

His eyes widen, but they narrow quickly afterwards. “So you just sat there and fed them bullshit about how we were friends instead of correcting them?”

“Well, no-They—they—” No, not the Sahara, I’m ninety percent sure I’m standing right in the sun. “I tried to tell them—” I swallow. “I promise I really did!” I wipe my sweaty hands on my shirt. “I mean technically I actually did tell them you didn’t write it—they were just…they didn’t understand. They wanted me—They were looking to me for help, for answers. I couldn’t—!“

Once again, I don’t know how I manage to look into those soul-sucking eyes. But once I do, I realize something.

An hour ago, I thought of him as the dead kid. The kid who killed himself. He was a concept, a symbol, more than a person I knew. But before that, as little as we talked, I did know him. He was Connor Murphy. He was real.

And in the second it takes to realize that, I’m replaying our conversations, and I’m realizing that’s wrong too. This isn’t Connor Murphy, and this isn’t the kid who killed himself. This is Connor Murphy…who killed himself. That is to say, the symbol, and the real Connor I knew, coalesce into one.

And I realize that those eyes aren’t analyzing my soul, or trying to suck it out, or hating me, or anything like that…they are so vastly, so perfectly—

“You...You didn’t give them anything else.” I don’t know how, where, I got this random shot of bravery. “I didn’t want to take away all they had of you, even if it was—“ I laugh a little, not because it’s funny, but because I can’t figure out what else to do. “Even if it was just some stupid letter I wrote to myself.”

His eyes widen. I think it’s because he’s surprised at, angered by, my boldness. I get ready to apologize, but he says:

“You wrote that to yourself?”

My eyes widen.

That’s right…I didn’t exactly let that on last time. Didn't have the chance. He thought I was messing with him.

“Y-Yeah. It…” I sigh. There’s no use denying it, and, well, it's not like he can tell anyone, right? Dead men tell no tales, after all...Except for the fact that one is talking to me. Right now. “It was an assignment from my therapist.”

Besides, if anyone’s going to understand…it’s him.

And...that's when it hits me.

Along with the realization that this is Connor Murphy, who killed himself, I realize I’ve been focused on the wrong thing.

I was worried—certain, really—that Connor would something terrible with it. All this time I was focused on covering my ass, I was focused on the fact that the letter was mine, not Connor’s.

This whole time, even after he was gone, it didn’t compute. I didn’t realize. The reason he took it. He didn’t take it because he wanted to use it against me.

Was it possible he took it...because he felt the same way?

“I bet he always brings things back to some shit that happened with your father.”

“Yeah…Yeah he does do that.” I laugh a little.

“Mine liked to equate my drug use with suppressed sexual frustrations. I told him I didn’t think they were very suppressed.”

I laugh, but quickly stop myself, remembering what happened last time I laughed at something he said, but when I turn to him he’s actually smiling. A little, at least.

“Into the Wild.” As far as abrupt subject changes go, that one might take the cake. He turns to my shelf.

“I’m—I’m sorry?”

He runs his finger along the spine of a book...or maybe just tries to. Or pretends to.

“O-Oh! You’re talking about the book!”

“I have a copy of it too—had," he scoffs, then mutters, seemingly more to himself than to me: "It feels weird to talk about myself in the past tense."

I'm sure it does feel weird.

I feel weird.

This whole thing is weird.

Even without the whole ghost thing, it feels weird to be in my room, talking about books with Connor Murphy. Like, to actually talk to him, as opposed to nervously and pitifully trying to defend myself, fearing I'll have a black eye in the morning.

“What were you and Zoe talking about?” He asks, changing the subject yet again, like that one hadn’t satisfied him enough.

“W-Oh, you saw us talking in the car. She—“ I grimace. “She wanted to know if we, uh, if we did drugs together.”

He snorts. “Always a charmer, that Zoe. My biggest fan you could say. You said we were friends and her first assumption was that we did drugs together. Can’t say her suspicion is unfounded. At least on my end. Though something tells me you’re not the type.”

“No—No I’ve never—“ I swallow. "No."

"So." Yet another subject change, it sounds like. "I had a secret email account, huh? I used it to talk to you all the time?

I freeze.

Yup. Just when I think the worst has already happened, I'm reminded hell has nine circles, and I haven't even arrived at the lobby.

When he was dead, he was a symbol. And, really—as terrible as it sounds—I could say anything about a symbol. I mean he wasn’t going to hear me. But now that I know he’s not dead—well, he is dead, just…undead, as insane as that is to think—and real (as far as I can tell), and he very much canhear me, I remember, despite the sadness in his eyes, this is still Connor Murphy, the kid who thew a printer at Mrs. G in second grade.

What the hell was I thinking?

His eyes darken. “Like, what? Secret lovers?" He shook his head. "Why the fuck would you say that?”

“Oh god, yeah I….I did say that.” Somebody just end it. “It was the only thing that made sense.”

“What kind of fucking sense does that make?!” There's a curl to his fingers.

Even though I know he can’t hurt me, my body doesn’t; it’s been trained to run away, and can’t help but stumble backwards like there’s a corporeal person in my room.

“Well they wanted to know how we could be friends without them knowing it.”

He scoffs. “I took you for some kind of loser. But now I see.” He leans forward so his eyes are level with mine. "You’re a diabolical mastermind, Evan Hansen.”

“I’m really—really—not. I just—” I hit the wardrobe in my backing up. I can’t believe he really thinks I intended any of this. My head falls into my hands. “Everything’s so messed up.”

“You saying I messed everything up?!” There’s a snarl in his voice.

“No—No!” I stand, waving my hands. “I didn’t say that! That’s not what I’m saying! I’m saying I messed everything up!”

I expect him to keep advancing, to try his best to punch me, but instead he stares at me, then sorta…falls onto bed (I’m both surprised he does this, and surprised he can) laying back, sighing. He puts his arm over his face and, to my even greater surprise, he begins to laugh. Not an actual happy laugh. I know this laugh: it’s the kind of laugh I laugh when my body doesn’t know what else to do.

“Sure, people always ignoring me, always treating me like shit, like I had some disease, that was your fault.”

“Well, I—“

“Me pushing you, that was your fault."

“Well that’s—That’s not exactly what I meant.”

"Me killing myself, leaving nothing but a letter you wrote to yourself…that’s totally your fault.”

I freeze again. I think hell might have frozen over.

He sighs. “You’re right about one thing: everything is truly fucked up.”

I sit on the bed next to him and look at my hands. I’d like to say something. To do something. To offer some words of comfort. But I’m well acquainted with the fact that 'comforting' words (like 'Chin up! It'll get better!' or ‘It’s not the end of the world.’) really aren’t comforting at all.

I’d like to at least say ‘It’ll be okay’ but…how can I say that? Maybe, for me, everything will work out in the end (…I think this is the first time that thought has ever crossed my mind) but he’s already dead. There’s nowhere for him to go. Except the afterlife. …If that even exists.

The world’s already ended for him.

I’d like to comfort him. To argue against him. To show him at least one nugget that has been unharmed in the fuckage that I could present to him. But I can’t disagree with him. Like…at all.

Like I said. Things get worse and worse.

And then...you die.

I realize something.

It's not truly comforting, but it's a positive, at least.

I jerk my head up to look at him.

“Hey, maybe-maybe you could help me!”

“Help you?” He lifts his arm a little so he can raise an eyebrow at me.

“Help me set things right! Help me tell your parents we weren’t really best friends! I’ve been wanting to tell them the truth this whole time I just—I can’t seem to get it out. You could help me figure out how to tell them!”

He sits up, studying me. “I could do that. I could help you set things right. Put an end to this charade.”

I nod profusely.

“Help you tell my parents that the only thing they have of me is a letter you wrote to yourself. Dash all their hopes and dreams, make them miserable, you know, all that shit.”

It sounds bad when he puts it like that. Maybe the truth won't set you free after all.

“Or.” His mouth curves into a smirk, and I smile back—not because I’m happy, not because it’s an actual happy smirk, rather because it’s the kind of smirk that makes me nervous as all hell, and when that happens my body picks from a wheel of stupid reactions. “I could watch you continue your little farce, watch you suffer as you invent more and more ridiculous ways to cover your ass.”

No, no, that sounds equally bad. Let’s not do that either. “Is there an option C?” My voice cracks.

He considers it a moment, sits back on his hands. “I suppose we could compromise. In your little stories about me, it might be nice if you actually portrayed me accurately. I could help with that. Right now your impersonation is laughable. I don’t know how it fooled my parents.”

“I vote for option C.”

“What’s in it for me?”

“I mean…What do you want?”

“Ohh you might just regret that.” He smirks again.

“Wait, I wasn't agreeing to giving you anything you want! I was just asking—!“

“Too late.” He puts his finger to his lips. “The deal is sealed.”

I keep digging myself into a bigger ditch without even saying anything. Let alone when I open my mouth.

“So what’s the next step of our little game?”

“Well…” I swallow. “Jared told me he could write fake emails. You know because your parents will...probably want to see them.”

“Jared, huh? Kleinman?" (I’m guessing he hasn’t forgotten about the incident from the other day.) “Good thing I’m here. If I’d left you to your own devices I’d end sounding like a—”

“Did you eat already?”

I nearly scream—well no, not nearly, I do let out a sort of strangled cry—at my mom’s voice. I had been so focused on all of…this craziness that I forgot she was heading home.

“I didn’t think I was that scary.” She laughs to herself a little, then she looks around the room, brow furrowed. “Were you talking to someone?”

She can’t see him. Good. I don’t have to explain why a dead kid is sitting in my room.

“N-Nope! Just uhh—Practicing.”

“Practicing? For what?”

“Uhh, for a play,” I say because what else could I be practicing? I can hear Connor stifling a laugh behind me.

She blinks in surprise. “Oh, Honey, you’re in the school play?”

She’s going to say it’s a bad idea. Because it is a bad idea. Because it’s not true.

“That’s fantastic!”

I blink. What?

“I always thought you hated public speaking. You know, from that time you fainted?”

“I do. That’s, uhh, that’s why I signed up!” I feel my face burning, I make a thumbs up with my casted arm. I know Connor can’t exactly use this against me, but him hearing me stumble through my lies to my mom in my own home isn’t something I signed up for today. Though, I didn’t sign up for any of this. Can I unsubscribe? “Yeah, I wanna get over that fear.”

“I’m so proud of you!” She clasps her hands together. “If you haven’t eaten yet, why don’t we have a celebratory meal?”

I’m shocked. Usually she’s the police on making sure I’ve eaten.

“Oh…Darn,” I say a little over-emphatically. “I already ate.”

“Darn.” She repeats.

“That was fun the other day, right?” She says. “Going out for breakfast?”

So much has happened since our breakfast it already feels like ages ago. “Yeah. Definitely. It was.”

“I was thinking, how about I bag one of my shifts this week. When’s the last time we did a taco night?”

I can’t remember, but I’m pretty sure those tortillas in the freezer have turned by now. “Oh. You don’t have to.”

“No, I want to. Maybe we could even start brainstorming those essay questions together.”

The essays. Of course. Her face waits expectantly. “Sure,” I say. “That would be great.”

“Oh. That’s exciting,” she says looking victorious. “I’m excited now. Something to look forward to.”

“Yeah.”

“‘Practicing’?” Connor snorts after she leaves. “‘For a play’? You? You really need some coaching on this whole lying business. I thought you were a terrible liar with my parents but this is fucking priceless.”

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” I bite.

Something dark enters his eyes. “I think hell will wait for me.”

"Well that's not what I—Oh never mind."

#dear evan hansen #evan hansen #connor murphy #deh musical #deh #heidi hansen #musical fandom

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godsdefied · 29 days

Text

muse list under cut. canon doesn't exist.

AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER.

( * azula. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * katara. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * ty lee. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * yue. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * zuko. ) animated, multiship (bi).

BALDUR’S GATE 3. most muses also have a bg3 verse, just ask!

( * arabella. ) tba/animated, multiship (pan) — original, irredeemable durge, drow/druid.

( * asteria. ) animated, multiship (pan) — original, tav, githyanki/wizard.

( * astarion ancunin. ) adam brody/animated, multiship (pan).

( * balduran / “the emperor”. ) animated, multiship (pan).

( * enver gortash. ) animated, multiship (pan).

( * gale dekarios. ) michael huisman/animated, multiship (pan).

( * halsin. ) henry cavill/animated, multiship (pan).

( * mystra. ) multiple, primarily anne hathaway/animated, multiship (pan).

( * orin the red. ) animated, multiship (pan).

( * raphael. ) animated, multiship (pan).

( * rosalie hale. ) dianna agron, multiship (bi).

BROADWAY.

( * annalise hughes. ) fandomless. zendaya, multiship (bi) — original.

( * cathy hiatt. ) the last five years. anna kendrick, multiship (bi).

( * connor murphy. ) dear evan hansen. mike faist, multiship (bi).

( * evan hansen. ) dear evan hansen. ben platt, multiship (bi).

( * mimi marquez. ) rent. victoria justice, multiship (bi).

( * zoe murphy. ) dear evan hansen. laura dreyfuss, multiship (bi).

DC. typically written as being in the same universe as marvel.

( * alexis kaye / “punchline”. ) bae suzy, multiship (bi).

( * arthur fleck / “the joker”. ) multiple, primarily joaquin phoenix, multiship (straight).

( * harleen quinzel / “harley quinn”. ) margot robbie / lady gaga, multiship (bi).

( * pamela isley / “poison ivy”. ) debby ryan, multiship (bi).

( * rose wilson / “ravager”. ) tba, multiship (bi).

( * tara markov / “terra”. ) tba, multiship (bi).

HAZBIN HOTEL.

( * alastor / “radio demon”. ) animated, ?.

( * anthony / “angel dust”. ) animated, multiship (gay).

( * charlie morningstar. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * lucifer morningstar. ) animated, multiship (straight).

( * vaggie. ) animated, multiship (lesbian).

LEAGUE OF LEGENDS / ARCANE. can & will be adapted to both marvel & bg3 if needed!

( * jinx. ) margot robbie/animated, multiship (bi).

( * neeko. ) gemma chan / animated, multiship (lesbian).

( * seraphine. ) jessica henwick / animated, multiship (bi).

( * xayah. ) emma stone / animated, multiship (bi).

MARVEL.

( * ava starr / “ghost”. ) hannah john-kamen, multiship (bi).

( * bruce banner / “the incredible hulk”. ) mark ruffalo, multiship (bi).

( * bucky barnes / “the winter soldier”. ) ➝ located at wintersghst.

( * christine palmer. ) rachel mcadams, multiship (bi).

( * clint barton / “hawkeye”. ) justin hartley, multiship (bi).

( * estelle fulbright. ) niki koss, multiship (bi) — original.

( * eugene roe. ) shane taylor, multiship (straight).

( * felicia hardy / “black cat”. ) liv morgan, multiship (bi).

( * garou / “hero hunter”. ) kento yamazaki, multiship (bi).

( * gwen stacy / “ghost-spider”. ) multiple, primarily emma mackey, multiship (bi).

( * juliette ferrars. ) multiple, primarily anjelica bette fellini, multiship (bi).

( * levi tate / “cloak of levitation”. ) yvonne strahovski, multiship (bi) — original.

( * liz allan. ) paulina singer, multiship (bi).

( * natalia romanova / “natasha romanoff” / “black widow”. ) multiple, primarily lauren german, multiship (bi).

( * olivia stark / “captain america’s shield”. ) rashida jones, multiship (bi) — original.

( * peter parker / “spider-man”. ) andrew garfield, multiship (bi).

( * ronald spiers. ) matthew settle, multiship (bi).

( * roxanne lewis. ) katelyn nacon, multiship (bi).

( * stephen strange / “doctor strange”. ) dev patel, multiship (bi).

( * steve rogers / “captain america”. ) chris evans, multiship (bi) but primarily in a relationship with holly.

( * t’challa udaku / “black panther”. ) multiple, including chadwick boseman, multiship (bi).

( * tony stark / “iron-man”. ) robert downey jr, singleship (strnza).

( * tori beaugrand. ) multiple, primarily emilia clarke, multiship (bi).

( * wanda maximoff / “scarlet witch”. ) franciska farkas, multiship (bi).

MAYANS MC.

( * angel reyes. ) clayton cardenas, multiship (bi) but primarily married to eliza.

( * antonia pena. ) alexandra barreto, multiship (bi).

( * bishop losa. ) michael irby, multiship (bi).

( * coco cruz. ) richard cabral, multiship (bi) but primarily dating hope or in a struggleship with ravenna.

( * creeper vargas. ) joseph raymond lucero, multiship (straight).

( * eliza kardel. ) inbar lavi, multiship (bi) — original, taking her off sophie’s hands.

( * ez reyes. ) jd pardo, multiship (straight) but primarily dating gaby or sofia.

( * felipe reyes. ) edward james olmos, selectively multiship (straight).

( * inez navarro. ) melissa barrera, multiship (bi) — original.

( * johanna juhlin. ) erika linder, singleship (thehollyverse) — original.

( * katie “kody” mcneill. ) stella maeve, multiship (bi).

( * kevin jimenez. ) maurice compte, multiship (straight).

( * leticia cruz. ) emily tosta, multiship (bi).

( * marisol reyes. ) jamie lynn sigler / gloria estefan, selectively multiship (straight).

( * manny. ) manny montana, multiship (straight).

( * mayra reyes. ) samantha boscarino, multiship (bi) — original.

( * miguel galindo. ) danny pino, multiship (bi).

( * nestor oceteva. ) gino vento, multiship (bi).

( * sofia. ) andrea cortes, multiship (bi).

( * taza romero. ) raoul max trujillo, multiship (bi).

( * tessa alvarez. ) daniella pineda, multiship (bi) — original.

( * xiomara ramos. ) sofia carson, singleship (thehollyverse) — original.

( * zoe davis. ) lauren cohan, singleship (untilthcyrot) — original.

MISCELLANEOUS FANDOMS.

( * ally maine. ) a star is born. lady gaga, multiship (bi).

( * ban. ) seven deadly sins. animated, multiship (bi).

( * dante myers. ) fandomless. jeremy allen white, multiship (bi) — original.

( * daphne blake. ) scooby doo. abigail cowan, multiship (bi).

( * hawk. ) seven deadly sins. animated, no shipping.

( * john wick. ) john wick. keanu reeves, multiship (straight).

( * liliana bennett. ) fandomless. elise eberle, multiship (bi) — original.

( * miley stewart / "hannah montana". ) hannah montana. miley cyrus, multiship (bi).

( * rhaenyra targaryen. ) house of the dragon. emma d’arcy, multiship (straight).

( * robb stark. ) game of thrones. richard madden, multiship (straight).

( * velma dinkley. ) scooby doo. sarah hyland, multiship (lesbian).

NARUTO.

( * akimichi choji. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * deidara. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * fuu. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * gaara. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * hidan. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * hoshigaki kisame. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * hyuga hinata. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * inuzuka kiba. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * kaguya kimimaro. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * kankuro. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * konan. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * nara shikamaru. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * nohara rin. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * orochimaru. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * sakon & ukon. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * sasori. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * tayuya. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * uchiha itachi. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * yamanaka ino. ) animated, multiship (bi).

( * yuki haku. ) animated, multiship (bi).

SONS OF ANARCHY.

( * bobby munson. ) mark boone jr, multiship (straight).

( * candy eglee. ) blake lively, multiship (bi).

( * chibs telford. ) tommy flanagan, multiship (bi).

( * clay morrow. ) ron perlman, singleship (murkyhazed).

( * galen o’shay. ) timothy v murphy, multiship (straight).

( * happy lowman. ) david labrava, multiship (bi) but primarily married to juniper.

( * herman kozik. ) kenny johnson, multiship (bi).

( * jax teller. ) charlie hunnam, multiship (straight).

( * jimmy o’phelan. ) titus welliver, multiship (straight).

( * juice ortiz. ) theo rossi, singleship (winterslght).

( * kendra kozik. ) ➝ located at hopeincarnaet.

( * lowell harland jr. ) cody christian, multiship (straight).

( * lyla winston. ) winter ave zoli, multiship (bi).

( * marcus alvarez. ) emilio rivera, multiship (straight).

( * nero padilla. ) jimmy smits, multiship (straight).

( * samara wellerstein. ) halston sage, singleship (thehollyverse) — original.

( * tig trager. ) kim coates, multiship (pan).

( * wendy case. ) drea de matteo, multiship (bi).

STAR WARS.

( * alara kitan. ) halston sage, multiship (bi).

( * bb-8. ) animated, no shipping.

( * ben solo / “kylo ren”. ) adam driver, multiship (bi).

( * jyn erso. ) felicity jones, multiship (bi).

( * qi’ra. ) emilia clarke, multiship (bi).

THE WALKING DEAD.

( * amy harrison. ) multiple, primarily isabel may, multiship (straight).

( * beth greene. ) emily kinney, multiship (straight).

( * brian blake / “philip” / “the governor”. ) david morrissey, multiship (straight)

( * hana jeong. ) pom klementieff, multiship (lesbian) — original.

( * lizzie samuels. ) brighton sharbino, no shipping.

( * negan. ) jeffrey dean morgan, multiship (straight).

( * shane walsh. ) jon bernthal, multiship (straight).

( * siddiq. ) avi nash, multiship (straight).

( * sophia peletier. ) multiple, primarily madison lintz, no shipping.

WWE. kayfabe only!

( * aj lee. ) aj lee, multiship (bi).

( * blair davenport. ) blair davenport, multiship (bi).

( * brie bella. ) brie bella, multiship (bi).

( * cm punk. ) cm punk, singleship (ruinreigns).

( * damian priest. ) damian priest, multiship (bi).

( * ilja dragunov. ) ilja dragunov, multiship (bi).

( * liv morgan. ) ➝ located at 0blivion.

( * jimmy uso. ) jimmy uso, singleship (thr0whands).

( * roman reigns. ) roman reigns, multiship (bi).

( * seth rollins. ) seth rollins, multiship (bi).

( * tama tonga. ) tama tonga, multiship (bi).

#sigh #* general — ooc.

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