The Tf2 Mercs opinions on these cookies:
Engie: That looks like a biohazard. But with milk it’d be alright.
Spy: Are you serious? That is an abomination of a cookie. Real homemade cookies and pastries always beat these cheap, disgusting knock offs.
Sniper:
*eyes red & visibly drooling*
Those are so dry but so damn good. I could fuck up that whole box. Just gimme an hour.
Scout: Dude same. Last time I had those I ended up dippin’ mine in water cuz we were all outta milk.
Didn’t taste half bad.
Engie: Now that’s just desperate.
Heavy: I agree. They are very dry. But with milk is tasty.
Medic: Ja. They are only good with milk or any other milk substitute. They taste amazing paired with vanilla almond milk.
Soldier: You queers with your nut milk. Only a true American can eat these cookies raw with no beverage! Just as God intended!
Pyro: I can only eat the pink ones with strawberry milk :3 🍓🥛
Demo: *leans into Spy’s ear*
Are ya seein’ this shit Spy? We’re the only ones here with any good taste.
Spy: Indeed. It is such a shame these men have never experienced a delicious homemade frosted sugar cookie. Or one from a proper bakery that is.
Demo: Yeah. Baked goods are best when made at home and not in some shitty lil factory. Real hands make the best desserts.
*folds arms*
Spy: Precisely.
…
I am going to make some and show everyone what the hell they are missing out on!!!
*clenches his fists & storms off to the kitchen*
Demo: I’ll help ya!
*follows right behind him*
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DUCKYYYY
Seven murders favorite type of cookies? (Soft cookies, frosted sugar cookies, those ones made by the elf's, vanilla wafers, macarons, etc)
OH YES. These are all homemade unless specified otherwise.
Elijah: Chocolate Chip. Reminds him what could’ve been.
Nadia: Specifically her own Macarons. She likes the feeling of accomplishment that comes with it.
Larke: Frosted Sugar Cookies. She likes making the frosting and eating the sprinkles.
Derek: These little fuckers. He can't bake to save his life BUT he can set an oven correctly.
Elsie: Store-bought Samoas. She likes the chaos of them.
James: Plain Sugar Cookies. He doesn't like the hassle of making the frosting and doesn't want to have to call Larke, but he likes the taste of the cookie.
Victoria: Plain Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Doesn't want to wait for the oven and eats it immediately.
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Life update that nobody asked for: I finally tried the frosted sugar cookies and you know what? I was wrong? they actually taste pretty okay? Will they be a go-to snack thing for me? Nope. but the unfair criticism of me about them will be redacted and I apologize for anyone who got offended by it and stans them (I'm looking at you, Niki 👁️👄👁️).
Anyways I do have some complaints: they're a little on the dry side, and taste like cake batter 1/3 baked. The frosting is really sweet though and kind of balances the dryness but not entirely.
Okay ramblings over.
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Actual Crumbl Sugar Cookie Recipe from a former employee who is no longer bound by their NDA:
makes approximately 55 cookies (or 200 minis!):
ingredients:
For Cookie:
2 pounds SALTED butter
1.9 pounds white sugar
1.2 pounds powdered sugar
8 eggs
4 cups of canola oil
4 tsps of ALMOND EMULSION. can substitute for extract, but use half the amount. can also swap for other flavored extracts like vanilla!
6 pounds of flour
*half ingredient packet* Crumbl uses ingredient packets to make sure that only corporate knows the recipes, but based on what’s missing from a standard cookie recipe and what happens if you forget a packet these are the approximate substitutions
5 tablespoons baking soda
5 tablespoons baking powder
For the Frosting:
1/2 a pound of SALTED butter
6 cups of heavy whipping cream (40% milk fat)
7.5 pounds powdered sugar
2 teaspoons ALMOND EMULSION *same as before can be substituted with half amount of almond extract or vanilla if you choose*
any food coloring of your choice but Crumbl uses RED. you only need *drops*
baking directions:
preheat oven to 290 degrees F or 143 C
soften your butters in your microwave, this step is crucial. you want them NOT at all melted, but soft enough to mold with your hands easily
put your butters and sugars into a large bowl, it’s easiest if this is a stand mixer, but if not an electric hand mixer is fine. you *may* attempt this by hand but i would recommend you don’t.
if you have levels choose your most medium level and beat your butter and sugar for 10 minutes. seriously. and it’s probably not done. scrape the sides, if there is any resistance it’s not done. the texture you’re going for is like passing your spatula through a cloud. you should feel no resistance, the mixture will be light, fluffy and if you feel it between your fingers it will be silky with *slight* sugary texture. imagine applying it to your face, it’s a daily cleanser not a weekly exfoliant.
when you think you’re done put it on for another 2 minutes to be safe.
turn down to level one and add your eggs, oil and flavoring. mix until it creates a creamy soup mixture.
add all of your flour and baking soda and powder.
mix until a homogeneous dough forms.
Sugar cookies at Crumbl are weighed at 4 ounces and scooped using a portion scoop to get their standard shape, then flattened to about 3/4 of an inch thick.
or if you don’t have access to a scale this recipe makes approximately 55 cookies so do your best with that.
*if you want to make minis like Crumbl does for catering the weight is 1 ounce & the baking time is 8 minutes!*
place on a parchment lined baking sheet 2 inches apart from both the other cookies and the sides of the baking sheet. This will be about 9 cookies.
bake for 14 minutes flipping half way.
if you are planning to frost these cookies here are the mandatory next steps to ensure you don’t end up with soggy cookies.
let cookies cool on either baking sheet or on a cooling rack for 20 minutes.
put as many as you can in a single flat line onto a baking tray or something that will fit in your fridge and put in the fridge for another 20 minutes.
now they will be ready to frost with the frosting in the next steps of this recipe.
frosting directions:
soften butter like above
add butter, 2 cups of heavy cream, 2.5 pounds of powdered sugar, food dye, and flavoring to your mixer.
mix on low for one minute or until mostly combined
mix on medium until smooth
mix on high for 3 minutes
turn back to low and add the rest of the cream and powdered sugar.
mix on low until mostly combined
mix on medium until smooth
mix on high for 3 more minutes.
viola! you have Crumbl Sugar Frosting.
now to frost your cookies like they do at Crumbl….
fucking good luck! — I mean…
If enough people request it I’ll do a little video.
you want a smooth flat top with a little flat swirl.

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