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bipolarbabyyy · 29 days

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Blonde is backkkk 🥰💛

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uncanny-tranny · 7 months

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I wish the world was kinder

I do, too, but unwaveringly, work must go into making the world kind.

You know, I've learned the kindness in the world isn't just reflected outward, but also inward. When you are kind to yourself, you are kind to the world; when you are kind to the world, you are kind to yourself.

You don't have to make the world kind on a grand scale. Nobody can, truly. But what you can do is be understanding to yourself and be understanding to others. We are flawed. We are so very deeply troubled. But that is what makes us shine, ultimately. Being kind is hard, but it's worth it in the end.

#ask #anon #kindness #learning that i am being kind when i am kind to myself changed a lot for me personally #i stopped fantasizing about Changing Everything Forever when i realized how lonely that is if that makes sense...#...why should the world be kind after only one person's actions? we all deserve to pitch in in our own ways #i'm not sure if this is what you were seeking anon but. i hope perhaps it helps somebody out there #being kind to yourself is part of making the world a kinder place and people tend to forget that

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derpinette · 2 months

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i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

#also i used to get beaten to finish my food nearly daily & it would take me forever to do that like literally hours with no exaggeration #just made me hate eating even more. now my technique is eating as fast as possible before i even realize how overwhelming #the sensory experience is & i can just be done with it VS the pain&dread of eating slowly -> disgust of Everything+hyperawareness #eating tightens my muscles like i hate it so fucking much catching the food putting it in my mouth CHEWING swallowing #what a damn chore #so i always liked cheese it was my “safe food” pretty much the only thing i liked #i even hated the foods autists usually like like fries & fried chicken meatballs ETC. HATED.#i was/am more of a soup & turning all my food into varieties of Slop kind of girl nothing hard for me please...#i experienced middle school during the like ♯Thick era of the world which was honestly a good thing like for The Populace #but i felt like killing myself because i felt like an unforgivable fugly genetic failure & people did not hesitate to let me know #anyway either way i would be unhappy caus if i did gain weight during puberty i would have a meltdown about all the Changes #so i feel content for the time being about only losing the fat in my face & getting age appropriate wrinkles really #trying to enjoy the privilege of thinness while i have it because it will not last forever 0_0 but that should not matter anyway...#the privilege of thinness: being way uglier than others & constantly looking like a gibbon dying of disease + no energy or strength ever #JK people are much MUCH nicer to thin people & they do things for me on account of looking physically incapable so um yay i guess #light at the end of the tunnel that is very significant in the grand scheme of things socially. ♯CountingMyBlessings #also i was raised on ♯HAES tumblr from 2014-2018 i truly believed in that & was so damn envious i was not curvy & beautiful LOL #so i never hated overweight people really i think for the most part the SJW tumblr values stuck with me #but now i know it depends on your base frame & genetics & there is no guarantee to what you choose to do (naturally) acceptance is peace #sorry for the gigantic Arse post i just needed to get that off my chest for a long time. not on here specifically just in general #oh & i am a ♯Grignoteuse but grignoter (grazing) is different from eating in my mind&body #& my insecurity was not a result of wanting to fit in really but kind of in the sense that i wanted people to stop berating me for my looks #like body wise only & also not understanding why every other girl looked like a girl blossoming into a woman #& i looked like i was transitioning to Malnourished (unsexed) Ape made worse by bein GNC.& like the need for control later on & erthang ETC

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m0e-ru · 10 months

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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to the day my brain was literally rewired and my gender was being changed by the second SO HERES A GAS STATION SPECIAL before this joint was even a gas station in the FIRST PLACE !!!!

FUCKING FREAK

#kommento #// theres a whole love letter in here dont open these tags it's a readmore equivalent #p4 #⛽️🌫#moel gas station attendant #tohru adachi #boot.tingting #arttag #// sneak peak before the manager became a manager and only put the uniform on to see how well it would fit and hasnt taken it off since.#// im tearing up because i hate how it's been three years and also i cant find the other notebook so i went through gphotos instead #// also that i miss blorbo so much i miss my old self so much she was so sweet and genuine and the passion and love and everything #// STUPID SEQUENCE OF PHOTOS the way my brain was so fucking rearranged i had to get up and make memes and take screenshots and then #// draw then COME BACK AGAIN to watch the thing that changed my life forever. AGAIN #// sorry was having technical difficluties in yokohama im back istok im normal (affirmation )#// this is literally all me before i started thinking about myself and wondering about my gender then the dysphoria came rushing in like #// some freshwater spring about to make a waterfall and i had to let it settle and get used to the ecosystem with two more years #// took a month where p4gsteam was booted up and i made my own save at some point and finished it on july 8 #// clasped my hands and had a honeymoon period over. mimi <3 then the day after rolled around and i watched the .chair car adventure #// literally my first p4 doodles were mimi and adachi theres no fucking denying it theyre the og. theyve been with me from the start #// theyre so important to me theyre so personal they made me who i am thats why im so mad with the community i have to share them with #// because theyre all so different from me and i took that personally #// IT'S KOKAY !! look at how far ive gone. this is the biggest archival effort ive ever done my entire life ive grown branches #// farther than ive done before ive put such a variety of skills to use just to make myself food and manage this damn station #// and keep some sort of love alive which was all from me and is still from ME !!!#// crying while writing these tags now sorry okyakusan i'll clean it up soon #// these doodles really explaining my mindset from the start and how the grindset has never really changed at all #// it was all friendship for three years and still will be i love adachi i love gas station attendant so much THERE I'M SAYING IT #// cherry on top friend just dm'd me to get an actual job at a gas station IM SHITTING MYSELF #// happy anniversary to my genderest best friend and the most problematic uncle ive ever had #// we're all holding hands and theyre treating me to topsicles because it's all i could ever shamelessly want

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transmechanicus · 1 year

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It is sunday night. I remain exhausted.

#my stuff #i tried everything this weekend and nothing is healing my Existential Ambivalence #like i know i cooked and i saw friends and i did my hobbies and normally i'd be proud of myself for all that but i just...don't care #i wanna call out sick or something tomorrow. I'm worried about my finances and i genuinely think im gonna have to move somewhere cheaper #like i was expecting my tax return to offset the slow bleed of money from my savings each month and that Is Not Happening #And its not like i have any way to Make More Money #bc im a grad student and we're contractually prevented from doing so #So that means i'll need to move when my lease is up this summer and i really don't fucking want to #i like where i live i just wish it wasn't so goddamn expensive on rent #even like $200 cheaper would be world changing for me #but no instead i gotta look at my bills after power and car insurance and food and be like oops guess i lost $100 this month #and god forbid i get coffee or eat out in the cheapest way possible bc somehow that adds up to like $100 the second i look away #im sick of being anxious about this!! im not eating enough as it is!!#i also don't wanna get a fucking roommate bc i don't want someone in a space i've come to consider my own #like sorry but im transgender do not fucking look at me stranger #so the only real solution is to move and that's such a fucking hassle and it doesn't solve the problem now and i just want this to get bettr #i wish all students a very $2000 raise forever #and all landlords a very Scrooge Moment that makes you cut my rent in half #ave omnissiah

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sunthroughtherust · 5 months

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made a cohost account which means i am severely over thinking usernames again and how nothing i have ever called myself online has fit me

#not even my legal name really #is this because i am an ever shifting person who dislikes things staying the same?#will i forever be changing my username every few months because i won't ever really know myself?#i just want a nice simple username that really fits #i dislike this username rn because i don't think it expresses my interests well enough.#like no sorry fellas not actually a big vivisection fan and i'm sorry if i gave you the wrong impression.#like i'm trying to come up with new usernames and completely changing my brand but everything i think of just.... doesn't fit #thinking maybe something-burrowed cause to me that's a reference to a horror story i read but my friend is saying it's too woodland creatur #and i don't care or want to associate myself with woodland creatures. i don't care. it's about the horror of being a tomb to me #ughjhhhhhh i hate this. i hate living in my brain #hey guys feel free to tell me some things you might associate me with i'd love to hear more ideas #maybe i should do something related to sleeping beauty or just something like sleeping-something idk ughhh i don't like this

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emmaspolaroid · 2 months

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what a long day

#through a series of events out of our control we had to change plans which meant i didn’t have the car today #and couldn’t take my nanny baby to story time at the bookstore i was like :(!!!!!! about it bc wtf!#I’ve been so busy that i had to dedicate every free moment today to finishing my book club book (which i did! right on time thank you)#also had to run to the grocery store .. I’m about to be behind on drawings if i don’t get at least one done by the weekend #agh and the house is a disaster we’ve both barely been home and have a Need to do our hobbies to feel sane so ugh #However i got caught up on loan payments this week and that’s important. I guess. so this must continue.#really i should give myself credit i nanny five days a week and am preparing for artist alley and also read an entire book today like Girl.#I’m kinda venting now lol but i don’t want to spread myself too thin and get sick and I’m trying to rest but I’m not very good at it #I do however want to be able to do everything i want forever and that kinda costs money

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arabian-batboy · 2 years

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You guys I think it’s finally happening, I think I finally lost all interests in DC/Damian lol

#it been 7 long years but I finally did it #I don't know why it happened today #new things dropped and as usual I had my issues with them #but then I realized that nothing will change no matter how much I complain #everything I like about Talia and Damian have been stripped away and replaced with wore version #worse version**#but it's me and 4 other people who think like that because everyone else either don't care anymore or are new fans who don't know better #so......why bother anymore lol?#I'm just making myself miserable staying here and going (THE NEXT WRITER WILL FIX THINGS!!!)#and only for the next writer to in fact NOT fix this #basically I'm tired of gas-lighting myself into believing my ideal version of the characters will appear one day #and it's not like the things I'm asking for are crazy weird concept or anything #I'm literally just asking for previous fan-favorite concept to return #so now I need to accept that the real Talia and the real Damian are dead forever and we only see glimpses of them here and there #gonna still pirate their comics and like/reblog pretty fanart but that's about it #everyone else enjoy the racist-incarnation of the most evil/untrustworthy brown woman in the world and her ugly weak dumb whitey-white son #I'm done

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sleepless-crows · 6 months

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im doing so bad rn :)

#i felt like i just lost all the progress that i worked hard on for months in like just a span of 4 days #i worked so hard to build my self esteem and my mindset and my everything and now it feels even way worse than when i started #and i just feel so awful and so tired and so disheartened #i dont know if i can change it back in 4 days too but i probably cant and i just feel so angry #i was supposed to be on a vacation and instead of feelinh rested i just feel like i shouldnt have gone on it #i feel so bad about everything i dont know if i have enough energy to catch myself back up to where i was #i knew this day would come and i wouldnt be up high forever but im just so tired

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the-casbah-way · 7 months

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i'm not doing anything !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm not fucking doing anything !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just sit and rot and worry and yearn whilst other people are out there living and feeling and breathing and experiencing and still i just do nothing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#'you're young there's still time' you do not understand #i don't do things because i'm unwell. chronically. it won't ever go away !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#that doesn't mean it can't get better i'm sure it will one day #but it will never be what i want it to be #i get so overwhelmed by all the things i'm not doing #i need to stop watching videos and films about people living the lives i want #been procrastinating my hrt shit for ages now even though all i have to do is send two emails and ask my friend for one link #i'm putting off the new tattoos and piercings i want because i always do that and then i get sad that i don't have them yet #i'm putting off my assignments for a degree that i actually enjoy and want to do well in and i do not know why #i'm just WAITING. what am i WAITING FOR. the change is INSIDE OF ME. why am i waiting #i guess i am holding onto safety and predictability because it's the only thing i have control over #i bounce between that and the image of a future me that is completely unattainable #and i tell myself there is no possible middle ground so i just give up #i can't be all the things i want to be. i will never been seen the way i want to be #but that doesn't mean i have to stay stuck like this forever wasting my life feeling miserable about everything #but i still choose to keep doing it every day anyway because i don't know how to stop #is it too much to ask to be a beautiful man who is not technically a man but is perceived as one and gets silly about it #is it too much to ask to be nice and well and attractive and successful #i don't want to be normal. i don't want to be cis. but i would like to be myself in a way that feels right #but i am not brave enough to start doing anything about it

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mrs-kelly · 1 year

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man after sitting down and writing 8 pages in my journal about Charlie I'm feeling so soft again 🥺💕

#i just feel rly connected to him you know #i know in th show he's basically just a silly guy who says and odes silly things and sometimes goes a little too far #but he's become much more than that to me like. i just feel like we've rly connected #he's inspired me so much and i get teary eyed about it #he makes me feel like i can do anything #he's the reason im going back to school #he made me feel so brave. he made me feel like im smart enough and capable enough to do it #he makes me feel unafraid to move forward with my life #knowing he'll be here with me makes me feel like i can do anything i want to #and when i think about that too much i get rly emotional #he's just. i feel like he's helped give me back to myself. if that makes sense #i feel like he saw me and said 'this is who you really are'#and ive been struggling to remember my identity for so long #but i feel like i have a more solid grasp on myself. all bc of charlie keIIy #a silly guy from silly show who's done some real silly htings #no one would ever think that someone like that could do what he's done for me #but all of htose things are surface level observations and his spirit is so amazing and sweet and #he's just. he's changed everything for me #ok ill stop talking before i gush forever 🥺#ren speaks #im gushing out here folks #renlie

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arthur-r · 11 months

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arthur fact as of today. high school graduate. not doing that whole thing anymore

#i won’t be walking at graduation so this is it for me #keep trying to say something about this and then i talk myself into a panic attack #so i’m gonna just step back and say yeah i’m done with that now #don’t understand how i’m the only person in the whole school who is freaking out about this #but here i am #everyone is staying in minnesota except for me and two other friends #and one of them is going to the same school as i am and the other one is going to canada #so everything changes now forever and i just don’t know how to feel #but hey. things are going to be good. i’ll be over by chicago that’s exciting #and i already changed my name in the system a couple days ago. kind of risky but i don’t want to keep putting it off #i figure i have friends i can move in with this summer if my parents find out and it goes over really badly #and otherwise they have to confront it sooner or later and i’d rather now than college graduation in four years #so anyway things will be good there hopefully. and high school has been bad enough that i should be happy #i dont know. things really got better just in time to go away forever #i’m gonna go to bed but everything is really strange and i’m officially out of there #so this is as much closure as i get #idk. i have a whole summer before everything changes entirely. everything will be okay #anyway gonna log off of tumblr. but yeah. this is where i’m at #me. my post. mine.#delete later #friends only

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alphalesbian · 10 months

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#its like every now and again i am brought down by a terrible loneliness and am forced to remind myself i have in fact more or less #been alone in some sense of the word for more than a few years now theres been such incredible lengths of my lived adulthood where ive #been to deal with everything on my plate entirely by myself for the most part. not to say that i have been like Alone ive kept busy and all #but sometimes i have to remind myself its been years and years since ive had what i would call even some kind of community. and its a #necessary pain to reflect that That is probably why routinely i am completely leveled by some loneliness. this goes of course without sayin #a lot of this is circumstance why i would maybe end up so alone but the reality is im often the only one who gets me im often the only ear #can open up to im often the only one there to catch myself slipping the only one there to take care of myself when im hurting or sick or #tired. and its not that i dont ask for help. something something circumstance where i dont get it from other people #hardly a thing worth stopping myself over but the moments where i have to pick myself up by my own bootstraps for the nth time completely i #the dark by myself its hard not to feel small. looked past. even though im really doing quite okay all things considered. still quite #unfortunately alone and equally isolated and drained of any energy to change this or get out and find community (if i had the space and #the time and the money of course dont forget about the money)#and at the deepest reaches of this feeling i can only see cosmically that this is what im supposed to be doing. to some strange effect that #I Am at least on the right path as tucked away small and hidden and invisible as this may make me feel. bc its never a hard contrast to mak #that if i did have the ability to truly embrace and make a change in that regard would i? would i do it right? could i keep it? where would #that take me? and of course the answer is in this state id just fumble it. and be right back here #when do i get to have that fire in my hands unequivocally where i may finally furiously rid myself of this isolation this loneliness either #forever or long enough to make the change from this lack of connection and community i truly have?

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chierry · 10 months

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damn depression is actually like. kicking my ass pretty hard

#i am so #sooooo #augh #everything is so much effort im not happy with anything i cant do anything that i like and just??? what am i supposed to do with my life #WHEN I CANT DO SHIT #writing in painful drawing is painful #i want to do both of those things and i just cant #i can read books in public transport and play zelda and thats pretty much it?#im kinda going insane bc i dont like my life rn at all #but i feel too weak and lazy to change anything #its like i want to rest forever because its never enough i never have enough energy #and just. aughughughgughugh. i dont want to die thank god i am not suicidal #but man i do not want to live as myself anymore right now #i guess i will write yaoi about it or something #gah i now this is my blog and all #but sorry for the constant depressing talk lately lmao #it gets better eventually

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doebt · 2 years

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Tbh i wish i could allow myself to become obsessed with anything but i like cant do that anymore it actually makes me feel awful. its like way too much instant gratification and dopamine it doesnt feel fulfilling to me it just feels kind of like gross and bad... Like do u know what i mean. I shouldve been born catholic or something

#like binging tv or eating too many treats or listening to 1 really good song on repeat #or like obsessing over a character or a band or an actor or a ummm anything #I wish i could explain it better #Maybe its just the baseline depression but i used to get pretty obsessive when i was younger #and arguably more depressed #maybe thats WHY i was obsessive though. Actually that was definitely part of it #but yeah Does anyone know wtf i mean...#Honestly the only things i fixate on and obsess over at this point is like umm #my own creative projects especially narrative ones OR Like sort of abstract concepts and feelings especially #as they relate to the season #Like the seasons changing. i obsess over that in almost the same kind of way as like media #But even like my FAVORITE shows and bands and everything EVER that ive loved FOREVER #like i love them SOOOO MUCH but i cant like drown myself in them like i used to #Like not only do i not feel compelled to but if i ever start to i just start feeling awful like eating too much candy #Like now my stomach hurts and i dont even enjoy the candy anymore. now it wont even be special when i have a candy...#Now i have to wait 6months to even think about eating a piece of this candy again

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nightly-ruse · 1 year

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I think I may be a little odd

#I’ve been thinking about like everything/neg/pos/breakdown inducing #and I think I’m mentally I’ll #like yeah no shit but also it’s very clear #I literally got out of breath the other day talking about wolves and Yellowstone bc I was talking so fast about them #also have very wild mood swings paired with abandonment issues constant shame for ppl caring about me and trauam over friendships bc #so many have gone wrong and I’ve been forever changed or abandoned (both in one case)#I mean I met this girl at a school meet and she just reminded me of a person who hurt me. they had the same same mannerisms looked similar #besides the hair and I had a full panic attack. I feel bad about that she probably was really nice #or how I feel sick just thinking about the local park bc it’s where I was forced to hang out with a ex friend that wrecked me #such a mixing bowl of bad traits #I can focus I can’t remember I’m either too lazy or too hyper to stay still I can’t regulate tone well and scare myself constantly just by #talking. relationships always end in a burning bridge even when they were so good bc I get so paranoid and scared they’ll leave that I leave #myself. jumping to crazy conclusions to the point I start hallucinating due to stress #I mean how do I even explain to my therapist that my only good friends ended with me skipping school the last days bc I thought one died.#she actually just left school early.#that one I kinda get even tho it’s fucking nuts bc tjat year has mentally burned me so goddamn much but still #and even tho I’ve kinda had a constant itch that something completely explains why I’m this way but am too scared to bring it up bc of #change and trauma related to bringing up my own mental health #I don’t even know what thsi is anymore sorry #should just shut up and sleep #I’ll be fine by morning anyways so what does it even fucking matter #ruse rambles #vent tag

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